All Fantasy Everything - Death, Taxes, and...

Episode Date: May 2, 2024

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This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of popular culture. On today's episode, we're drafting death, taxes, and dot, dot, dot, a topic voted on by our beloved patreon members my name is ian carmel and i'm joined as always by my friends and stand-up comedian sean jordan and david borey let's get into it Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that is coming to you from a hotel room in Austin, Texas. At least me. Not everybody.

I'm in a hotel in Austin. Are you really? I'm really i mean i was 10 feet behind you and shane all night last night just keeping a low profile barfing up red wine on sixth street just trying to puke on your calves oh man so much red bull that trip which doesn't it's like a band-aid red bull right i don't a band-aid on a gunshot wound it is a band-aid on a country it's out it's also it's the gunshot wound sometimes yeah yeah yeah that shit has me feeling like if you it took me a long time to realize if i get one and i would like get one sometimes in the morning to get going and be like why do i feel like shit is your microphone

low or am i crazy mine low uh yeah it feels it sounds really uh far away or low or something how is this is this better is that better check check check one two three better all right leave it all in zeke show me why not made dude i don't, dude. Let them know. It's just the four of us today. Just let them hear it. Us and our zins. We gotta be one of those podcasts. Do you guys zin? What is that shit?

I've never tried it. I don't fucking know. It's a cigarette, right? It's just a cigarette tobacco. It's like a tobacco pouch. It's a nicotine, like... Nicotine pouch. Not like...

It's not like Redman. It's like... It's like a nicotine mint nicotine pouch not not like it's not like red man it's like nicotine mint i'm truly just talking shit i don't think it's tobacco though i think it's tobaccoless nicotine the rock wilder that kind of red man no like the chew like the cha red man was a bad one to say i should have said like kodiak or something no red man is a chew. I know, but it's racist. Levi Garrett? It is racist. Is Levi Garrett a kind of chew? Yeah, it's the same thing as Redman, like whole leaf tobacco chew. Yeah, it's the real it's that raw shit. It's the only kind of chew I like.

I've done a bandit. I don't think I've ever had loose chew in my mouth, except for when that girl pulled me in the bar bathroom and made out with me. That's the most disgusting story you've ever told on this podcast. Oh, I can get grosser, but I won't. There's grosser ones. Ron Funches once had

a joke about how his spirit animal or whatever is like a French poodle sitting on a pillow, something like that. I'm not quite that, but I'm glad I'm closer to that side of the spectrum than to dude out there chewing raw tobacco leaf. You'm glad I'm closer to that side of the spectrum than to like dude out there chewing raw tobacco. It's I actually it's pretty good.

It tastes like raisins. Oh, well, I do like I've only had the mint shit. The whole leaf one. It's so much better than like those like skull, like the flavors, like wild berry and shit. Those things. Wintergreen. That smell of like a wintergreen skull you could that's worse than pepper spray on an airplane i swear just crack one of those have the urge to swallow it

you do i know it's a lot of people it's a lot of people do it's so gnarly though like if you do it you could you'll be you won't wanna and you you're buzzing so hard like so hard especially if you're not used to that shit it's like a crazy buzz it feels like your float i swear it feels like your head is 10 feet above your body it's just it's so buck because it's straight you're jacking it you're your main jacking it right in your right in your bloodline stand up could you like put a chew in and then go to stand up or would you be too disconnected from your body i haven't done it in 20 years on colonopin once so i think i could do it but it wouldn't it sucked that was the end of me i don't you notice i don't really take recreational pills

ever that was pretty much the last what is colonopin what's it doing to you what's colonopin to me it just made me feel like a passenger. I was in the passenger seat of my own life. In your own box. It's a knockout. It's like a- I fucking hated it. It's like Xanax. It was awful.

Worst feeling in the world. I did stand up. I tore my knee and I did stand up on a couple hydrocodone, but I imagine that's not a Klonopin situation. Hydrocodone just mellows you, right? Yeah. Vicodin. Yeah, it was fun.

I'd like to do it every time. I'll take a beta blocker sometimes if I'm feeling very panicky. At this point, I can't do anything. I can have a beer. I do nothing. I have water. Maybe two, but I can't. No food even.

I had two drinks. How'd it go? Before I went up the second time last night. Well, okay. So, Moon Tower rules. I had two drinks How'd it go? Before I went up like the second time last night Well okay so Moon Tower rules I love it Six minute sets After you've been headlining That's ass

I'm on a show last night and like So everybody's doing six minute sets And it's me, Shane Torres, Blair Miss Pat Sam Jay Six minutes sets and it's me shane torres blair uh miss pat sam jay like six minutes miss pat i can't imagine do six minutes sam stuck pretty close to six minutes though yeah she's been touring a lot too i bet it was all you guys are touring a lot i feel like that's the hardest shit almost everyone on that show was like a headliner. I'm, I know I'm leaving some people out too, who are like six minutes is that's,

that's LA time. That's LA. If you don't leave time. Uh huh. Right. Exactly. It's hold on. I took a picture of the,

who else was on it? Just cause I was like, how are these people going to do six minutes? Oh, Andy Kindler. Six old six minute Kindler. Huh? That is a good show though adomian chloe trost

from snl that is a good ass show jeremiah watkins joyelle uh nicole johnson amos gill it was like a great lineup but everybody had six minutes because it was so packed in there why do they do that it seems like you got all those hitters why don't breathe yeah nobody nobody had time to breathe everybody like to their credit like other than miss pat who should not ever after the time you're miss pat do like this is not a criticism at all take my time like the crowd would be much happier if you did in a heartbeat i'd take that seat right up front and watch miss i've never got to see her i'd love to see miss she's so funny did you ever tell you that story where she worked with her a whole weekend and she just called her little girl she never she never learned her name she was like little girl

oh that's very funny yeah it's hilarious um it ruled the show was super fun but like six like I don't even know what to do so the first set I crushed the second one um was at the creek in the cave less of a crowd 10pm on a Wednesday but like I just went up and did new stuff and you just can't tell so I couldn't tell if the

booze was affecting me at all new stuff because you're all jacked anyways yeah I love doing new city I couldn't tell if the booze was affecting me at all. New stuff because you're all jacked anyways. Yeah. I love doing new stuff. Oh, it's so fun. New city, new, like just new everything. Austin is a new city too compared to what it was.

It really is. This place feels so different. Have you been down there? Maybe we should talk about that off air. Oh, yeah. But yeah, like you get you like you're jacked on the new stuff you're super stoked a couple drinks isn't killing you you got your homies around everything feels nice i had a big dip in the whole time yeah this is texas it's so closely i'm doing

shane's uh shane and blair's ribs and a mechanical bull show on Friday. Oh, nice. Get a dip for that. For sure. I might get a dip for that. I'm worried because like, I mean, I know I'm not going to win because Natalie Palamitas is doing it. And like the audience votes. And that person is just a fucking hurricane of joy and insanity.

But Shane's like, you got to bring it. I'm like, there's no amount I can bring it. That's going to make a crowd like me more than Natalie Palomitas. Shane, you got to bring it. You got to bring it. Bring what?

Extra barbecue sauce. I brought a cowboy shirt and he's like, that's fine. Like you can wear your cowboy shirt, but you're going to need like more than that. What are you going to do when Natalie does? I feel like Shaded Texas is super Texas though. You got to realize you're dealing with shane activated i am i am dealing with an activated you know what i mean he's like the fucking mayor yeah he's at home because it's like all these new york comics for you

it's a ton of new york comics and then it's all these texas people so shane is just like in his element dude yeah the new york guys never roll deep out this way either you ever notice that yeah like they don't get too far west like five six seven of them at most i feel like they're rolling deep here yeah that is it is when you go out there too it's always like i i love it when you go to a region and like different comics are popping regionally then you know what i mean like you know how in the west you'll have like your they're not small comics by any means, but it's like if you go to Seattle, you're going to talk about so...

I don't want to say names because I don't want anybody to feel bad. I know what you mean. You know what I mean? But then when you go to... You're doing a gig in Philly or Buffalo and they're like, have you ever heard of Slappin' Sammy? And you're like, what? No. He's a career Philly comic. Are you you serious you're telling me

you come to poughkeepsie you don't know ragu jake or whatever their names are randolph randolph yeah you're like the white bruce bruce he owns poughkeepsie you can't even do a show without talking to him man Randy, Randy. He owns Poughkeepsie. You can't even do a show here without talking to him, man. Also, Randy, Randy, super horny guy. It's not in a problematic way, but, you know, be glad he came up in the 80s. No, he's just, he's ready to go.

He's horny in kind of a Alan Strickland Williams way, where you're like, well, look at him. Yeah, look at him. He'll have sex. What are we drafting? Oh, look at him. Yeah, look at this guy. He'll have sex. What are we drafting? Oh, so we put... Yeah. Well, let's do our... Sean S. Jordan is here. Sean Cougar...

Sean Cougar Mellon Jordan on Instagram. Girl dad out now. She's available. She's available. Now, I'm going to bring it up again, but the boys are going on tour. We're going on tour. If you don't have the dates,

if they're not locked in yet, you're fucking up. We'll run down them. June 11th, a Tuesday in New York City. A Tuesday. Now, I know there's people in New York on Tuesday. So, see you at the Bell House, June 11th. Philly, Underground Arts.

I know somebody lives there. I know you're going to be there. There's people. It's 9 million of you motherfuckers. Let's pack out the bell house on Tuesday. Wednesday, Underground Arts at the Philly. At Philly. That's... Yeah, that's going to be dank. Thursday, back at the bell house. June 13th.

Friday, June 14th. DC, the Black Cat. June 15th at the Randolph in T-Dot. Maybe coming up to Toronto. And then bringing it back down to the States. Sunday, June 16th at the Randolph in TDOT, baby, coming up to Toronto and then bringing it back down to the States Sunday, June 16th, Day of Our Lord in Boston, Arts of the Armory. I feel like I've never been in Boston on a Sunday.

We'll be at church all day. We're going to go to that Catholic Mass. And by that, he means Fenway. Fenway Park, baby. They are playing the Yankees kid the whole time we're there. Really? Yeah. But not the Monday.

The Monday they go to Toronto so we can't go see a Sox game. They're all concurrent. I think we go to Pittsburgh a day early is what I'm saying because Pittsburgh on the 18th at Bottle Rock at Social Hall. Then we're going to Cleveland on the 19th. The Roxy at Mahal's going to Detroit Rock City

Thursday, the Magic Bag, and then Chicago at the Den Theater on the 21st, closing it out. 22nd, Parkway Theater in Minneapolis. Those are the dates. Come see the boys. It's going to be dank. That Chicago show will have sold out by now. There's like six seats left or something. A lot of them,

a lot of them, if you're in, let's say you live in Detroit or Cleveland. Let's go to those. Or let's say that you're in New York on that Tuesday. If you live in New York on a Tuesday, let's go to that. Is this your way of telling the listeners right now that perhaps

those are the shows that aren't selling as well as the others? I'm not worried about it. I'm just saying, if you live in Detroit or Cleveland, I don't see why you wouldn't want to go. I'm not worried about those shows. I'm not worried about it. I'm just saying, why wouldn't you want to go? Detroit, Cleveland? Shit's fun, man. I'm going to get a

dog with the dog on it. Is that a Detroit thing? Oh, that's in Chicago. Maybe I'll get a dog with the dog on it is that a detroit oh that's in chicago oh maybe i'll get a coney in detroit too who knows they have they got coney's up there have you guys seen that meme going around that says if you're if you're in a clown posse you don't need to tell me you're insane that shit no that's very funny i've had a couple probably 100 people send that to it is it makes me laugh every time don't stop I uh anyway I'll wear an ICP shirt in Detroit and a Bernie Kosar jersey in Cleveland very nice dude hell yeah

do they have Bernie Kosar shirts Sean does yeah I got I'll wear an I'll wear a Kevin Mack jersey didn't he play for the Browns that one's going over my head I don't know

I'm sorry I wish I feel bad now pretty sure he'd jersey? Didn't he play for the Browns? That one's going over my head. I don't know. Yeah, I don't got it, bro. I'm sorry. I wish. I feel bad now. Pretty sure. No, no. No, Bernie Mac didn't play for the Browns as far as I know.

Noted Browns tailback. Tailback, right? Yeah. Yeah. No relation to the comedian. Those are the dates. Those are the dates. David Borey is here.

Cool guy jokes 87 on Instagram. When does this one come out? Uh, a couple weeks. Yeah, May 2nd. May 2nd.

It's three days before my birthday. Yeah. You excited to be 30? Oh, I'm gonna be 29. So I got another year. So maybe don't be a dick,

but yeah, I feel okay. My fault. Yeah. My fault. My bad. I apologize. I don't even so maybe don't be a dick but yeah I feel okay my fault my bad I apologize I don't even remember the Broncos back to back Super Bowls I'm losing the references

that's how far I'm getting I can't even tell I was born that means you were born in 1995 i didn't see the rise of and sing no right they canceled kindergarten on 9-11 for you i was too young to even really fully engage with the emperor's new groove when it came. I don't remember the Arch Deluxe at McDonald's. I thought the iPod was me saying, I'm going to the bathroom.

iPod-y. Come on. I'm sharp. What the fuck happened to you halfway through that joke? Who did you turn into? I didn't think you'd get it. I turned into Simon Gibson. Your face was crazy. I've never seen your face do that before because nobody was gonna get it i didn't realize

until halfway through no one was gonna get it so i had to be like come on you know why nobody was gonna get it because it was too good it was above your head just like the kevin mack pod nobody says i went pod i potty i potty you know well that's why my face did that thing what do you want i'm just gonna anyways uh patreon.com backslash david borey you can go and sign up for free and then you can get my special birth of a nation how do i spell it well you'll have to buy it to find out i got uh some videos up there already a couple trailers uh a welcome video. I'm going to be dropping at least a video every week until the special's out. I got

tour footage. I got some interviews from people. I got some interviews from me. It's all very fun. It's exciting. And the link, most importantly, if you want to come to the taping on May 18th in Denver, Colorado, possibly May 19th, because it's a

tiny room. The ticket link is going to be on there. Everybody's wearing a Bernie Kosar jersey. Just remember that. Actually, everybody's wearing all black. From when he was on the Raiders, though. Bernie Kosar on the Raiders. I was more of a Woodson

guy. If you can find a Tui Asasopo jersey, you get in free. That would be crazy, right? Did they make a lot of those? There were a few different Tui Asasopos. So I think between like the three of them, you might be able to get your hands on one. I'm thinking about Marcus. Yeah.

Washington State football legend. Most of them went to UW. Yeah. I think because of Marcus. Yeah. Or no, there's an older one though, right? Marcus was the quarterback. Anyways, go to UW. Yeah. I think because of Marcus. Yeah. Or no, there's an older one though, right? Marcus was the quarter. Anyways, go to that. There's a lot of good

content out there and you know me, I hate content. Slurp it up while you can because this is not a regular thing. It's like I'm already irritated at how exposed I am. So, you know, come if you want to watch that. Watch me break down slowly

oh royal crackers on hbmx that's right my name is ian carmel at ian carmel on instagram twitter tiktok youtube everywhere pre-order my book t-shirt swim club available everywhere now uh come see me do stand-up comedy live in Burlington, Vermont tonight this weekend. I'll be at the Vermont Comedy Club and then next weekend David Borey and I will be at Comedy on State in Madison, Wisconsin and then come see us on tour

the aforementioned dates especially if you live in Detroit or Cleveland apparently I'm not saying, I'm just saying they're fun cities why would you not want to enjoy the nightlife in those towns? We're going to have a great time. Fun city, Cleveland. Yeah. No, I do have fun in Cleveland.

I can't wait to be there in the summer. I've only been in the winter. I want to go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame with Sean. I think that would be a good time. I'd love to. Because those drives are skimpy. I'd love to get there early. I was there for 18 hours last time.

And I did not get to do anything except look at it from the outside and then go to the hotel and take a shower and go do the show and then fly out. I didn't get to do shit. Was that a good story? Yeah, it was great. Nice. That was tight. Tight. Tight. Riveting. Tight. Working on it. Working on it. Isaac, do you have anything to promote?

Emotional. The basketball podcast that you and I do together. Can we promote that popsicle you were eating earlier but you call it a fruit bar yeah yeah was it called outside whatever it's like a fruit bar like a outshine right i was trying to lie yeah i was trying to lie my ice man true to his name popped on the uh the zoom this morning fruitopsicle on hand, bro. In mouth, actually. I want to get a Popsicle for solid day. I got some. Go get some, man.

I got spicy Popsicles in the freezer. We have spicy Popsicles. You got a hot sauce Popsicle? Ish. What's it called when you do this stuff on the fruit? Tahin? I mean, if it's not called hot sauceicle, they're missing it. A hot sauceicle? Sean Jordan's hot sauceicles?ucicle, they're missing. Hot Saucicle? Sean Jordan's Hot Saucicles?

That was my rapper name before I changed my major. Hot Saucicles. When I went to college to major in rapping. Hot Saucicles and you were majoring in philosophy. Can't define who I'll be dropping these. Hot Saucicles. Oh, man. Lyrically performed

on robbery. Isaac, you're going to have to put another song together for Sean. I can feel it these hot sauce. Please. Oh man. Lyrically performed on robbery. Isaac, you're going to have to bet you're going to put another song together for Sean. I can feel it coming. Oh God. I mean, speaking of which I am working on an album, English shores,

wherever you stream music. There we go. Yeah. There it is. Yeah. And once again, emotional, we're this NBA playoffs.

We're going to be talking about basketball. Come on. Fuck the Lakers. That's exactly right. Let's go. Yeah. Let's fucking go. Come on. Fuck the Lakers. That's exactly right. Let's go, baby. Yeah, let's fucking go. Round one. I don't give a fuck.

Slash emotional hoops. It's funny because it'll be two weeks from now by the time this drops. Which means the Lakers will have been swept by the Nuggets. Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed. Baby. Fingers crossed. Oh, man.

It's week one. When we won, when we won them, the Lakers win was bigger than the finals win to me. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Plus, they started talking all that shit. LeBron Kennedy is going to retire. To get it in the first round is like, oh.

Delicious. Num, num, num, num, num, num. I hope they heard every smack that's nasty actually hot sausage please I hope they heard every smack that's the name of the first single and the return of the smack

once again up on the world one small pearl that's what he says right one small pearl scholars maintain what he says right one small pearl no it's been scholars maintain it's been lost in time that language is no longer no one no one no one speaks mark morrison anymore quit laughing about your big break he's british right ah he better be

otherwise highly problematic yeah i don't think we're claiming that it was that hearing was a little bit too big to get away with in america yeah yeah yeah somebody would have said something you couldn't do that in a country that has guns man what a good song it's the best that's the song of the summer going back to whoever asked us that on a couple weeks ago it's a return of the mac again oh man that shit will make you feel like you could do anything really i might listen to it tonight and have even more drinks yeah we are gathering here today not only to talk about mark Mark Morrison's seminal work from the 1990s, but also to fantasy draft a Patreon suggested and Patreon voted upon topic. Basically, certainties, death, taxes, and what else, bruv?

And that's what we are drafting is the what else. Sean Jordan looks like he's either about to sneeze or say something. Sean. I'm trying to look for who, I'm trying to be better about looking at whose idea it actually was. And I'm sorry, there's a lot of comments. I'm going through it right now. I should have written it down. I will find it,

but I'm also going to be present, but yes. So go find it, go find it right now. David and I will banter. Isaac, you can get it on this too. Sure.

What's your guys' favorite bird lately? Bird. I love an ostrich. I like a heron. You love an ostr Bird? I love an ostrich. I like a heron. You love an ostrich? I love an ostrich. I feel like that's barely a bird. For food or fun?

For both. Have you seen ostrich eggs cooked? No. They look gnarly, dude. I don't want to see an ostrich egg cooked. Gigantic. Do they have a yolk? They probably have a yolk in everything.

It's a giant chicken egg? It looks like a giant chicken egg. I'm not ready for that smoke. I googled it. Holy shit. That is too much yolk. Oh, no. Isn't it nuts?

That sucks. I don't know why that sucks, but that that fucking sucks I'm not even looking at it and I feel like it sucks I feel like it would put me off regular chicken eggs bro they got a picture here of a deviled ostrich eggs with deviled chicken eggs around it for like this sucks you don't want

any part of this I got a new pot to boil this thing this is crazy it has enough cholesterol it must crazy. It has enough cholesterol. It must. It has enough cholesterol to kill a giant man, I think. I don't think you should be eating giant egg yolks. Well, that's how we're going to take on Anthony Davis.

We're going to send him an ostrich egg. That's a great way to do it. Is the yolk, is it like a solid? You got a job to do, bro. We're bantering while you're doing your job. You can't expect me not to wonder. I'm just one man. I want to know.

I'm going to jump in here and say my favorite bird is Larry, probably. Oh, Sue? That's good. Sue's a good one. Sue Bird's another good one? Yeah, shout out to Sue Bird. I like the brand of custard. Yeah, that's a good custard. Charlie Parker?

Oh, the bird, yeah. Yeah. Oh, not Chris Anderson. No, no, no, no, no. The birds, the band, the birds, they sang Mr. Tambourine Man. Oh, yeah, that's a good name. Okay, okay. A British woman?

Oh, yeah, you can call him a bird. Oh, I like that. The one who was all sixes and sevens? He was all sixes and seven Oh, yeah. You can call him a bud. Oh, I like that. A bud. A bud. The one who was all sixes and sevens. He was all sixes and sevens, mate. Surely you found the person by now. No, it's running slow, man. I'm going through these comments on Patreon.

I will find it. We don't have to keep doing this. My computer is making the fans on my computer. Something's going on. Coming in hot? It's kind of coming in hot. What computer do you have? A MacBook. He's got Sam Talen's Acer fans on my computer. Something going on. It's coming in hot. A MacBook.

A Lenovo Chromebook. Yeah. No, he has a Lenovo. A Lenovo Chromebook. A Lenovo Chromebook. A guy with money. The way we determine the order of this draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. Play between the three of you and we throw on shoot.

Here we go. Am I drafting? No. You want to draft? No. Play between the three of you and we throw on shoot. Am I drafting? Do you want to draft? The two of you. Sorry, I just went into autopilot because I was looking up. Head to head. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Whoa.

Sean wins. The scissors against the paper. Sean, as the winner of rock, paper, scissors, it isn't coming upon you to determine the order of today's wrap. I had waffles for breakfast. It's like syruping a waffle. tight. Sean, as the winner of Rock, Paper, Scissors, it isn't coming upon you to determine the order of today's wrap before you do that. I had waffles for breakfast. It's like syruping a waffle. You guys fill in every little hole when you have a waffle?

No. Yes. I don't have waffles at all. Yeah, I do too. Even though I just got the Belgian Maker, I had to put that on ice. Belgian Maker, dude. That's what I call this right here. I got it. Because I punched France so hard. You're Belgian. I punched France so hard, a separate kingdom dude that's what i call this right here because i punched so i punched france i punched france so hard a separate kingdom yeah shakes off you're like 200 years old yeah you punched france so hard

they they decided they belgium did that i was some kind of a passive sit out of the war thing yeah they were gonna go commit atrocities the point is i got a belgian waffle maker and you just probably shouldn't be doing that all the time no that's i got into some say i got into some savory waffles and then i was like but i still got it i got the good one too like the one at super eight the flip shout out to target satisfying shout out to target great deals up there man we got our waffle maker from target they got it they got it we got a little heart one too for a little mini you're calling tarjay if you're having a hard day sometimes my mom my mom's a big tarjay proponent anyway if you're

serving a waffle you get every little hole so you start on the bottom and you just there's less holes on the bottom because it's circle obviously so you go from right to left and then you go up one line and then left to right, up one line, right to left and just syrup every single hole. The only real way to eat a waffle. Do you double back with the syrup? That's a lot of syrup.

No, I just fill them. I make sure every hole is filled up. So just, I don't need to double back because they're already full. I try, also there's a little goal for myself is I try to not spill any on the plate until I cut into the waffle. But I like to look at it with all the holes filled that try to not spill any on the plate until I cut into the waffle. But I like to look at it with all the holes filled up with syrup and then

nothing on the plate. I think you got to write a book, man. No, I got to read one first. I don't think you can. I don't think you can write one without reading them. I don't know if that's true or it.

Yeah, I'll be the only, I don't think you'd be the only one either. I think there's some people out there with some memoirs. Basically, if you pick third in the first round, you pick first in the second round. Now, Sean, with that in mind, what will the order of today's draft be? I'm going to go first, and then

David, and then you. Hot corner. Middle. I'm just going to go first because I feel like i'm sillier and i want some time to think up some serious ones if you guys are being serious so i'm not i'm coming from all over the mat all right i'm gonna i'm gonna draft crazy shit dude stuff that doesn't even apply yeah stuff that only comes up every now and then if you're lucky you know it's like getting drafted in the nhl is one of my picks. It's coming for us all. It's a certainty.

I ain't dead yet. So we're drafting certainties, death taxes, and, and we're going to get to Sean's first pick. But first, we're going to take a very short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Babbel. If you want to learn a new language, the best way is to uproot your entire life. You drop everything you're doing, just go to a brand new country, you figure it out from there. But this isn't

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Podcast-wise. Sean Jordan's about to make the first pick in the Certainties All Fantasy Everything draft. Sean, what will that first pick be? Death, taxes, and I'm always going to be a little bit colder than I think I am when I'm camping. Okay. I mean, it has never, it's never, it's always been the case. Every single time I've been camping, even if I bring whatever I do, I'm always a little

colder than I think I'm going to be. Do you ever go camping in the summertime? It's been a long time. I have, but those mornings and just in general, I'm just a little colder than I think I'm going to be. Like at night, even when it's 70 out or 75 or whatever at night,

you're still just cool. 77, dude. It could be anything. Dude, any of those numbers. 81? 79. 76? It could be 76.

It could be 74. And then I'm way colder than I am. 75, bro? Could be. Who's to say? 82? Okay. 82 is a little much.

Yeah, I think you're probably fine in the morning. I'd be pretty warm, but I'm not camping. It ain't 82 where I'm camping. You sound crazy. It ain't 82 where I'm camping. The whole experience, man. I don't even know what that means. Let me tell you something, brother.

It ain't 82 where I'm camping. That does sound like you owe me money. Well, I'll tell you what, it ain't 82 where I'm camping, so you better pay me. It sounds like it's a lot more than it does sounds like somehow a fight's about to break out at dinner yeah it sounded like you're weirdly bragging yeah yeah i thought you guys were doing so good i was gonna go camp wherever he wants but it ain't 82 where i'm camping i'll tell you that oh you guys you've been together for so long you

got the kids and everything yeah well it ain't 82 when i'm camping so i went on a boy scout kid i was in boy scouts for one year i did cub scouts all the way through absolutely loved it went to boy scouts it was at a church heavy religious overtones really very very heavy i thought they weren't religious i thought that was their thing i think they aren't supposed to be i think they get kind of like whatever area they're in. Conversely, my older brother went to Cub Scouts at the Middleman Jewish community center and it was a bunch of Cub Scouts wearing yarmulkes and stuff. But it like,

it felt like Cub Scouts for me felt very like fun and just creative and like, let's go in the outdoors and have a good time. And when I got to the boy Scouts, this particular troop felt very like future Republican leaders of America for whatever reason. So I only did it for a year, but we went to a sleepaway camp up on Mount hood during like August. So I packed light. It was like shorts, t-shirts, all that stuff. And at night it like dipped down

to like 40 and I was freezing. I did not, I had to like borrow other people's warm clothes and like an extra sleeping bag. Cause I just prepared so poorly for it. Cause it was colder than I thought. Well, and you're like, you get a little wet every now and again, just randomly you'll get a little wet and it doesn't go away. Yeah.

They do. Or like you go swim and you don't dry off completely. I mean, there's just like, you piss yourself instead of going, leaving the tent, piss all over yourself. Yeah.

I went camping one time and we forgot the tent piss all over yourself yeah i went camping one time and we forgot the tent because we're fucking idiots then you then you get real cold it was like a huge group and just our part of the group forgot the tent for the three of us oh yeah so we slept one person slept in the front i slept in the back of the other guy slept on the hood of the car and that was cold but it was in the summer yeah it was in the summer it was just we were just drunk and stupid that's another one also kissed my buddy's aunt that trip oh yeah i think she kissed me but either way i had a friend's mom kissed me one time i won't be saying who what one of my buddy's moms. How old were you? No, I was 22 probably.

Yeah, same. I was like 20. He don't know. He don't know. He doesn't know? Adam Neuroth knows. That's about it. So it's not Adam. Wait, she kissed you like nobody's around? Like, are we doing this?

Okay, so we had to go pick her up from the bar and I was the only one old enough to actually go in and find her at the bar. Everybody, Adam might have been with me. Everybody else was like 20 or something. So I went in and found her and she just yuck. I mean, right there, like, oh, it's so good to see you. And then like went in, but like a real for real. I was like, whoa, holy cow. Now with my mom's group of friends, the fact that you had to go get her from a bar would be enough evidence to eliminate all but one person

but I'm sensing in your group maybe not the case or did you just build a variance if you really wanted to know you could probably figure it out if you know me but yeah it's more fun not to know but it was i mean it wasn't i wasn't upset now it could be anyone did you guys ever talk about it again

did you like see a couple weeks later so hey so what are we yeah i just go to my buddy like hey man you're gonna want to start calling me dad i just start driving i start driving his car hey Hey, give me the keys. You buy him a baseball mitt? Yeah. No, you can't tell your friend, though, right? I would not tell. I'm in there smoking cigarettes, looking at their bills.

She's like, yeah, when I get a second, we'll go outside and play catch. Naked bacon breakfast? I never told him. Yeah, like Ving Rhames. I never told him. I mean, that just seems insane. Why would you do that to someone? Some shit shit you could keep to yourself but hey dude it ain't because i wouldn't handle it well if you kiss my mom fuck no i would not handle it well

who i can't think of one person who i'll tell you i had a buddy that used to flirt with my mom and it used to drive me up the fucking wall when we were in high school like actively well so you know you know for a while when you'd walk up behind someone and like kind of poke their ribs a little no no no no no to your mother he would do that to him we gotta fight

no no he did it to my mom a few times no fucking are you do you don't ever I'm coming up behind that guy in a different way if I see that happen that's insane absolutely not he's gonna be catching the Belgian maker

in your house? he came into your house? if you're gonna flirt with my mom you can do the like when's your 29th birthday you can do that kind of stuff that's the same way you flirt with a waiter or a waitress. That's in play. That's totally fine.

Tickling, that's way out. You don't come up and coochie-coo on my mom, bro. Absolutely not. Yep, you did. I'm filling a sock with some rocks right now. You better hope I get to you before Bear does. That's all you better hope about my situation. She's got a son named Bear.

Rethink it. Wait, do I gotta go kill my buddy? I think you do. I think your other buddy has to kill you. I think there's a very complex Sioux Falls situation happening right now. Oh yeah, wait. That's literally a Sioux Falls situation. You kushy-cooed my mom.

You kissed my mom. Looks like we got a surreal Sioux Falls situation. I did not kiss her. She kissed me. There kissed my mom. Looks like we got a surreal Sioux Falls situation. I did not kiss her. She kissed me. There was a kiss. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Check this out. I was doing stand-up in Sioux Falls

and this woman who I was best friends with her kid when I was real little. Anyway, I'm doing stand-up, but she comes up. Her husband's right there. She gives me a hug. No, no. This is a kid I don't hang out with anymore. He was a dickhead. She gave me a hug, and she's like, you're so funny.

She leaned in to fully kiss me in front of her husband. I turned, and she did the open-mouth kiss on my neck. Whoa! It does get weird post-show. We were talking about this there are some times

that vibe post show where it's like do you you're the center of attention after a show though where there's like a wife who's really nice to you and mean to her husband and then she's like gripping you in the picture and she's like he doesn't give a fuck and you're like

I love it I just want to take a fuck and you're like I love it I just want to take my wings and go to the room yeah I just want to go I just want to go away and he's like yeah she's crazy oh that just happened to me in a city that we were all in I saw that happen to you in a city

that was fucked where you're just like man you gotta come brother this sucks twice that happened to you That was fucked where you're just like, man, you got to come, brother. You got, I, this is, this sucks. Twice that happened to you in a city we were also in. It happened to you to a lesser extent in the bigger of the two cities, if we want to keep being vague. But where the woman was basically just like on you, she kind of did it to me too, where she just put her whole body on your whole body. Are you talking about in Phoenix?

Yeah. You can say in Phoenix. Oh, I thought we were talking about Phoenix.oenix oh no we're talking about a different one yeah yeah oh that girl in phoenix she was all over everybody yeah yeah yeah yeah anyway she was jewish she told me her whole story yeah she didn't tell me she could tell i didn't want to hear it anyway you're never gonna be yes older probably in her 60s oh yeah was i there that night no you were gone oh i see i see and we were out keeping it going the name of the town got dropped in the chat yeah just for all the listeners i don't know why we can't say it i don't

want it because i don't i know they're gonna listen i don't want them but i don't want the dude to feel bad she feels feels fine. The lady in Phoenix is not going to listen. That lady just happened to be there. There's no way she was an AFV listener. She don't know what a podcast is. The one in the other city was a David Borey fan. She knows what a Mazda Miata is.

I'll tell you that. She knows what a Winston-Salem 100 is. Goddamn right. So yeah, you're always a little colder camping than when you think you're going to be. All right. Yeah, I found that to be true. That bears out. David, time for your first pick.

I thought about it as things you can't escape in life. Yeah. You can't escape death. You can't escape yourself, man. Yeah. You just, you can run from it. You can hide it. You can cover it.

You got to, God damn. It's fucking snowing. I hate that. You got to. You were just talking yesterday about you're just like, bro, I'm excited for the nice weather. Everything. It's straight up snowing outside. I think you could see it. Dude, Denver's nuts.

Holy shit. Yeah. Can you tell? Oh, it's snowing. Yeah. Heavily. Yeah. I don't know, man.

Sorry. But yeah, yourself, man. heavily but yeah yourself man it's just like I'm not like trying to preach or anything but like if you don't take that time to it's gonna come out it's some way or another and it's like

it's better to just know how you feel if you don't take the time to what what do you mean to like work on yourself no to even just sit and really be with yourself and know what you think and how you feel and you know your values and goals and just what are you i mean i think especially how you feel a lot of people be like not feeling shit and it's like nah you gotta like you can't beat

that you know you can work you can do whatever but you can't you gotta you'd say it's colder when you're camping in your own psyche than you thought it was going to be a lot of times sometimes we both have pretty deep accurate personal sometimes sometimes yeah i did do it right okay cool and sometimes you gotta be able to accurately assess your temperature and understand that that's okay and you still love yourself and it doesn't make you any and if you forgot your tent for your emotions that's okay. And you still love yourself and it doesn't make you any worse. And if you forgot your tent for your emotions, that's okay too. You can, your emotions have to sleep on the hood of the car for a night, but that's okay. Yeah.

No, I lost it. Yeah. To quote the end of Mary Oliver's perhaps most famous poem, the summer day. Oh yeah. I like her deeper cuts, but tell me what else should I have done? Doesn't everything die at last and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do

with your one wild and precious life? Whoa. And to quote Drake, tell me what's really going on. Drizzy back on the list. Hey, what's ready? I'm having it. I wonder what's going on with Drake

when this releases. Who knows, man? Two weeks weeks there's two weeks of movement that shit is like the most mediocre thing that i would have been excited about 10 years ago it feels like so the the what is above it all the wrestling of it all seems so naked and evident now where i'm just like you guys are all just doing this maybe it's that what what is happening he's he's beefing with everybody i i guess and then kendrick is in it and rick ross is gonna be the most old guy i've said in a while but like this to me was the funnier shit was the shit he just said when he was talking yeah that was the end of the song over the anything he rapped drake telling metro woman

to go make some drums was funny that was pretty that was the funniest thing shut up yeah that's great well it also makes sense to me i i get that i bet a bunch of people don't like drake i love his music doesn't seem like the coolest guy or anything well he can't lose that's like my kind of thing about it which is so like he can but he'll just out fame you which is like right doesn't feel like true to the sport like i don't care what anybody says push a t beat him that diss was hard to listen to him i listened to it again the other day and i was like oh and then the picture and all that is like oh my god drink didn't couldn't touch that you are hiding a child is one of the most ruthless things i've ever heard uh also your dad ran away hell of a dad thing uh your mom not finding love in her life there

was a lot of shit that was who you chose as your be Pusha T that was crazy yeah that's true but he can't I likened it to I tweeted this so forgive me for repeating my headphones are so bad I don't have Twitter you can flip all the jokes you've been getting off on there bro

here's a thought that just occurred to me like Drake getting involved in a rap beef is like when Deion Sanders on their road. Here's a thought that just occurred to me. Like, Drake getting involved in a rap beef is like when Deion Sanders played baseball, where you're like Awesome. It's cool. It's like entertaining, but you're like, you're not really looking at Deion's baseball record. He's like a football

player. Drake is a pop star. You know, and like, so when he gets involved in that kind of thing, thing like he can lose those games he can win those games but ultimately that doesn't really affect the way we think of him too much or the way we like hold him in a scene when you're battling too there's like a different core audience that you're like going at and i don't think that he realizes that those people don't give a shit how many they don't really care that you could sell in japan no they like you know what i'm saying they yeah they don't they don't give it that's like not okay you're a famous pop star that's not what they you know what i mean

you don't listen to loaded lux because of his hit making potential you know what i mean you listen to the guy because he's in a room with 150 other dudes yelling about different ways his gun is giant that's somebody do you think drake is in touch with himself i don't think so i don't know i think he's like the worst of our the millennials he's like i think he might be the worst of me the reason reason I like Drake is because of all the worst shit in me. He's the most millennial person. He's the best and the worst of us at the same time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The poetry book? I have it. It's terrible. It's Instagram captions. It's Instagram captions. Yeah, it's so bad. You really can't escape yourself, though. That's a great pick. Yeah, and maybe he is. Maybe really can't escape yourself, though.

That's a great pick. Yeah, and maybe he is. Maybe it could just all be a facade. There's the possibility of that. It would be good to be his friend, I think. But maybe not a protege. Those people all seem to disappear. I don't see him as being like a good...

Like, I don't... Do you think, like, you call up Drake at, like, midnight? Like, man, I'm fucking going through it, bro. No. No. No. But I do think you get to go on the tour. That's true. That's probably a great time.

So you get that slice. And then you make a friend who you can call at midnight on the tour. Right, right, right, right. They'd be like, dude, Drake sucks. He wouldn't answer. I'm going to make my first pick. I'm doing death, taxes, and the dentist oh god man you think

you think I avoided taxes longer than the dentist and it's still the dentist will get you I've said this on here before and I'm going to repeat it again you are going to spend if you are fated in life to spend 100 hours of the dentist

you are going to spend 100 hours of the dentist and either you can spread that out over a decade or you can do it in one year. But it's going to happen either way. So you might as well go. You can spend nine grand in one year or you can eat it and spend 150 bucks

twice a year or something. Nine grand in a year? you can eat it and spend 150 bucks twice a year or something yeah nine grand in a year is what it was what it cost me for god i started going again when i started like when they do that because you go in and you think they're going to tell you that your teeth have cancer or something it's like i was prepared for the worst i was like they're gonna have to amputate my jaw and then it's like the doctor still right yeah where they're like they're gonna have to amputate my jaw and then it's like the doctor's still right yeah where you're like they're gonna say my liver doesn't work right so yeah she she put a map and they show you all the teeth two-thirds of my teeth were red on this map i'm like oh there's like republican teeth yeah being trump teeth dude old trump mouth jordan the teeth were january 6th yeah dude so was the rest of me baby

no that that was that was funny man anyway it's your pick utah i'm trying to work on that utah no please what are you talking about that's what the entire point of this podcast right it's just so she laid out a plan for me somebody got my head about it adam did fuck you adam so she said she gave me a bill, and I was like, dog. And thankfully, it was at a point where that wasn't like, because for a while, it would have been like, well, okay, so no. So what happens if I don't do this? But we did it, and I was like, should I get insurance?

She goes, insurance ain't going to help. It was that cold-blooded. Yeah. It would have earlier. Shout out to the Writer's Guild. Had to get it done man they go in there and they numb i'm like make my head numb i don't want to feel a thing make my whole body numb yeah i really as someone who was not i didn't even think i was heading towards it wasn't even on my like vision board dental you got great teeth too

i think i'm very lucky but yeah i it was not and then and then i did get it on and i was like oh gotta go eventually zeke how are the eye doctor they're pretty good they're perfect i think yeah i also i floss twice a day i brush three minutes you. You floss every day, all day, dude. We've seen you. I've seen that Alfa Romeo. That Alfa Romeo. I've flossed. That's what my dentist said saved a lot of the time. I've been flossing ever since I can remember. That's the one thing. It's easy. Made a habit of

it. I do that no matter how tore up I am. Whatever. I floss. Really? You floss drunk? Every time. I bring floss on the road because it's so it's just one of those things it's easy to me i mean i use the little i use the little floss picks and the funny thing about those is once you start you can't stop like we were at a restaurant the other day at the end of the restaurant i was like i was like do you have any in your purse

because i'm fucking yeah i need to, I need to get down right now. Your teeth start to feel tight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are those biodegradable? I don't know. I hope so. They feel very wasteful. I'm sorry to the whales, man, because I've been going through them shits.

Okay, on the other end, though, getting a shot of Novocaine doesn't hurt as bad as I thought it was going. I mean, I've had them plenty, but like. It hurts like a shot hurts for a second you know i think it hurts worse than an arm shot yeah for sure i don't know man i i they i always like grab like whenever i go to the dentist my hands are sore because i'm gripping the seat so hard but like when they put the novocaine in they start doing the cheek rubbing she's pretty gangster though she's very straight up, she's very curt but at the same time I'm like hey I can't

handle mouth pain, she's like I got you and she'll do whatever she's gotta do she's a G about it, she gets it done when you say you can't handle mouth pain you mean that's the guy who you went up against in that rap battle who cleared you right? and what was my name again? I forgot my rapper name.

Hot Saucicle? Was it Hot Saucicle? Hot Saucicle. That's his mouth pain. That's Scribble Jam 98, dude. I don't remember that. That was huge. I wouldn't.

Man, it'd be tough if the dude's name was Mouth Pain. For real? Isaac, we need to record a Sean Jordan Jordan under the name mouth pain I'll do it who's who am I dissing no Isaac and I are a group called mouth you're doing it

you're gonna do it then spark the fire we're coming after you bro spark it you drink too thick I've been to a scribble jam you ever been to a scribble jam no aren't they like in Omaha or something like the Midwest right yeah I've been to one what's a scribble jam you ever been to a scribble jam no aren't they like in Omaha or something like the Midwest right yeah I've been to one what's a scribble jam

I'm from Oregon it's a hip hop fest that had like b-boys and like graph writers and MCs and freestyle battles and everything you thought that I would have been doing when I was about 19 where you would go see the invisible scratch pickles I mean all the old rhyme sayers stuff all that old

All of it they'd have scribble jams in Minneapolis And it was fantastic I would be My mouth would be open a little more if I went now As opposed to when I was 19 Mouth pain but they were dank man All I'm saying is go to the dentist You can't avoid it because the pain

Eventually I mean I guess cowboys did by drinking Whiskey and like tying their tooth to a horse. But like in this modern day and age, I know it's expensive. I understand that. It's expensive for a reason. It's worth it. Floss.

I'm just saying floss too. All that stuff too. Floss. I mean, I've had multiple dentists tell me that flossing is more important than brushing your teeth. If you're going to do one, they say floss.

Yeah. Death, taxes, and gaining holiday weight. There you go. Let it happen. I understand. I understand it's May right now. It feels far away. Maybe you're telling yourself, I can manage myself this holiday season.

I'm not going to let it happen to me again. I'm not going to gain 15 pounds. Let it happen. It's okay. That's what it's for. Yeah. That's what the holidays are for. Eat those cookies.

Go ham at Thanksgiving. Eat ham on Thanksgiving. Go turkey at Thanksgiving. Go turkey at Thanksgiving. Go twice-baked potato on December 14th for no reason. It's the holidays. It's the holidays. It's the holidays. Does it really? We've talked about this. Hanukkah starts on Christmas this year. It's the holidays. It's the holidays.

Does it really? We've talked about this. Hanukkah starts on the 25th this year. What's your window? So what's your holiday discounts windows? Like not doing type shit? Well, like letting it ride. I feel like it's like show business rules.

Two weeks into December to two weeks into January. Yeah. It's like, that's like when the business is, because then it's like, then there's no calls coming in, right? Everything's shut down. It's so nice.

The industry is shut down. I call myself the industry. Yeah. And then it's like not as much standup either. Uh-uh. It's just, I don't have a ton of December dates usually. I might put on a little holiday show in the PDX this year though.

Yeah, well, that's alwaysX this year though. Yeah. Well, that's always fun. Just like Santa Claus or I don't, you like, I just realized I thought you guys had Santa Claus for like five years in a row on the late, late show.

There you go. I count before Thanksgiving. So I start holiday time a week before Thanksgiving. And then I go all the way through, but I go, I end a little earlier. I end like January 3rd. Then you have a bigger holiday

coming up in a couple of days. My birthday is October 9th. I got to get back to my invite and wait for January 6th. So in a way, the holidays start October 9th for me and then they don't end until Dana's birthday,

which is January 7th. So that's cake season for me. Yeah, yeah. It's just the gauntlet. I try to lock it down after my birthday on the 28th of October Laura's November 16th then Thanksgiving then Britney Spears

birthday is December 1st and then Christmas and then December 6th is Normandy's D-Day and you celebrate that I eat a whole cake on Armistice Day what's that November 11th? I can't not. I'm in a military family now. What day was D-Day?

Hold on. Oh, June 6th. I was way off. You're thinking Armistice Day. Armistice Day, I bet. Right? Veterans Day? Isn't that what that is? Veterans Day is in a different month.

What did they change Armistice Day? I don't want to say that word again. November 11th is Armistice Day. I might be thinking of Pearl Harbor. Well, when are you? I'm always thinking of Pearl Harbor. There, when are you? I'm always thinking of Pearl Harbor. There's so many things I can't forget. Dude, Michael Bay made a bitchin' movie about it, bro.

You gotta check it out. December 7th, that's what I was thinking of, dude. Ben Affleck saved us. Bro, Josh Hartnett, that guy can act his dick off, bro. You gotta watch Pearl Harbor. It's sick. Who's that? Who's this character?

I don't know. I think it's Sean. the guy that likes pearl harbor that's me it kind of is you you guys finally met the real me he's getting caught up in the heart net i didn't hate it as much as the south park guys but i didn't i didn't love it i can watch it though it could have been better asked and answered could have been better yeah it could have been less of a love story you see i'm just saying let yourself gain the holiday weight there's no point in putting it you want that cookie baby don't have 30 cookies but you want that cookie have the cookie you did it all for the lucky just come on i feel like you're walking in front of the tv and dana's trying to watch something you're like you

want that cookie you want that cookie i don't have to talk her into eating a cookie. That lady likes sweets. Not speaking metaphorically here at all. No, I know you're not talking about your butt. Last night I was sitting on the couch. Whoa, I didn't even see. Laura's in the room. I was just going to tell the story about her. She was right next to me.

And then she left. She didn't say a thing. Oh, my God. Is that what being married is like? Because that sounds scary. She just came and grabbed her bag. I don't know. She looked at me.

Anyway, we're sitting on the couch. I was like, I kind of want something sweet. And she giggled. She goes, I always want something sweet. I mean, like, I was just such a fool. So I went to the grocery store and got us cake and a cupcake. Oh, yeah. Wait, a cake and a cupcake? A big piece of cake and a cupcake.

What kind of cake? QFC, I think. Something like that where they have a cake and a cupcake. QFC's got good cookies too. Good cookies. I thought they invented white chocolate macadamia nut cookies for years. I thought Subway did. I did too. Oh, okay. I bet neither of them did

yeah for sure yeah only place i ever saw them i want to go back to hawaii and get some macadamia nuts they're just so cheap down there my time spent in macadamia was well was well you bring shit back from hawaii like that or is is it you can't is it like um state it's an american state i know but i'm wondering i'm wondering like can you bring stuff there i think you got a keister um but yeah you got a keister don't look into that you just know that you have to i just man i'm just blindly take your word for a year and just do whatever there are things you're not supposed to bring like i think there's like flora and fauna but you can bring macadamia nuts and back and stuff all right it's more bringing stuff to hawaii than taking stuff back i think that makes sense sean david time for your second pick bro never been uh see sean i have

a funny one diarrhea yeah dude just it always for me it strikes me down when i'm at my highest when i'm feeling the best i've been eating good i've been you know what i mean just like being on my p's and q's out of nowhere lady d comes to visit yeah what are you doing here and you're just like god and then you have to i hate it when you do it and you're just like and people if people are at your house or you're at somebody's house and you just gotta like you're like in your head you're like i'm a nasty pig it woke me up uh two nights ago i woke up my stomach was like hurting and i this is why i i needed a house with two bathrooms because i was like

i'm gonna go it was three in the morning i blew it up and i was like where's this diarrhea coming from i your butt why Your butt, dude? Mine is coming out of my nipples. You don't ever get diarrhea out of your nipples? That's gross, dude. That's a gross even joke about. Anyway, it was a bummer. Woke me up. Is no one going to address the fact that Ian

is laying on the bed while podcasting now? Honestly, I'm really jealous. You think I don't know the guy? He laid down like 40 reps one time a while back when he lived at the fortress i was laying on the bed one day when i met my wife or e40 right whoa really yeah was it the first time you guys talked in person yes yeah wow right here on i had a problem i was laying on i was just straight up laying on my bed podcasting. Met my wife. So the three of you need to watch out.

Yeah, when you say that, it makes you sound like possibly the luckiest guy in the world. What'd you do? How many people met their spouse laying down? Just me and a lot of people in the 60s. Yeah, yeah. That's fair.

Yeah, man. Diarrhea. park yeah man diarrhea diarrhea yeah there's nothing to it i just i i and i thought about it because i got it the other day i was like i've been doing so good i was feeling good i was coming back from the park it was a beautiful day outside me and my girl had had a good day everything was going great oh i gotta go to the bathroom sit down just like it was coming out of a water slide yep i'm at the point now that's just terrible where i'm like a tracker where i can put my ear to the ground and hear like diarrhea coming 100 miles out you're like chuck norris when he tastes the ground he's like a plane crashed here yeah yeah exactly i can like feel it like i'm about to shit myself something's not right in my body i'm gonna have diarrhea in the next 24 hours where i'm like

my something feels off i feel like i'm sweatier than normal i can feel it i can feel it coming like a storm on the horizon and i'm like once i have diarrhea though it's gonna feel amazing it's a little bit like when you have to barf yeah you get it out man you get the you get the poison out i also feel like it's just like it's almost comforting at this point that you're never going to get that far from it yeah it's just with you for the rest of your life ideally yeah it makes me feel so helpless that my body can take complete control like that where you have no you know where it's like it's going to happen. Doesn't matter. You can't do anything about it. Like you can stay up or whatever, but like

you just, you cannot. It's going to get you. So you find out. Stay up. I ate a bowl of cereal. That was all the dairy I had. A bowl of cereal the other day. I got dairy ria. What's that, Sean?

You know, I potty. I go to Ria. What's that, Sean? You know, I potty the bathroom. It's like I potty. Death taxes and Sean's a mixed pick and his third as well. Back to back as it is a serpentine draft. Death taxes and traffic.

Oh, you do hate traffic. I i'm trying to pete holmes of all people i heard on a podcast the other day give a pretty good like you know there's going to be traffic it's unavoidable he was talking about los angeles specifically but and he brought up a turn that i spit where it's like you're leaving this neighborhood and ways or maps will make you take a left on los feliz into traffic where there's no yeah you have to wait forever to i we've i'm sure we've all been in a car in that very specific scenario but whatever you just have to accept it i haven't yet learned how to accept it i don't know it's like it gets to you in a way that's actually i always find it surprising

how much yeah it really pisses you off and it's i it's like i know it's gonna be there it's the only thing i see you like that it's the only thing to that extent with yeah it gets to me it gets to me or just bad drivers really you get you get really pissed off i yeah i do i just get traffic i just i'm getting i'm getting miffed thinking about it i'm working on it's like the one thing i actively work on because max is in the back and so i i mean i learn real quick i can't no more horn no more because now she'll dime me out even we'll get home and she'll say i honked the horn and then i gotta like explain why it happened two days ago this is your friend from la a very friend from

la thing to say but have you thought about meditating seriously i tried so everything is so much funnier with you being laying down there get that thigh in there have you thought about meditating i've thought about it have you thought about it i so I tried to meditate, but when I'm meditating, all I'm, cause all I'm thinking about is how I'm not supposed to be thinking about the stuff that is getting me all cranked up.

That's acknowledging the, uh, intrusive thoughts. You acknowledge them and pass them on their way. I had like, I recognize the thought and I send you on your way and I get back to thinking about breathing. Walking is kind of meditative for me. I mean, I just like getting active. Skating can be that way. Like if I just

do something that takes my mind off of all this, I mean, now it's a bigger than traffic issue, but I don't really have a lot that traffic was a mouth pain. I'm surprised you acknowledged it. I don't, I don't like talking about his first album, but it's undeniable. If something's gold is gold, you know, what am I going to do? Five mics, dude. Bigger than,

yo, check out mouth paint, bigger than traffic. I wouldn't, I mean, shit, I wouldn't put a pass that being made. Anyway,

traffic is just, I don't know. I don't see it going anywhere. It's even creeping into like Sioux Falls. There's traffic now. It's just, i don't see it going anywhere it's even creeping into like sioux falls there's traffic now it's just i don't really i mean it's a thriving metropolitan on the way out easy i can see that easy on my city bud no on my city, bud. No, I won't. I will not. Death taxes and always getting tired in a car around sunset. Tired in a car around sunset.

Always unavoidable for me. I just get a little sleepy. It depends on the situation. I know what you mean, though, for sure. That is situation dependent because sometimes I'll be the most juiced I've ever been in my life if I'm in a car around some set. Same, same. You're in the back of an Uber heading out.

You've had three cocktails at home. What's about to happen? Yeah, or like going to a big show or some shit. You know what I mean? Or like, you know, like sometimes like when we do shows, right? Yeah. And it'll be like leaving the hotel, and you got to take an Uber to the venue,

and you're like, oh, it's about to be be i didn't think about any of that bad pick sean bad pick it's all it's all it's all coming to light because it's funny right when you said that i was like the some of the times i've been the most jacked is when we would leave the fortress and we'd be going to whatever show on friday a lot of times good heroin and the sun would be setting over the hills in glendale and i'm like man this place is perfect this is amazing this night it's gonna you know like the start to la night is is exciting very it is because the start to it's like always the weather's nice and like you said yeah the sun's going behind the hills and you're like oh the sky looks like expensive ice cream. It's awesome.

It's LA. For all, whatever, however you feel about it, myself included, it is Los Angeles. And then at dusk, you're like, anything could happen. I could meet, I could get discovered tonight. Or whatever. I could do shots with Dave Ross. For being realistic.

I could get shushed yeah well uh damn all that aside i was just thinking about driving around at dusk and getting sleepy in the car seemed unavoidable until all those valid points were brought up but i have to stick to my pick so death taxes and half the time bad pick dude wanting to fall asleep in the car i had a hypnotist this is interesting i had a hypnotist one time that's it that's interesting that on his own i was trying to have a hypnotist explain hypnotism to me because i didn't i'm not sold you know i just don't i'm not sold on it and he said he's like you ever driven in your car around dusk and you don't remember how you got to where you went you just like were like zoned out the whole time and he's like that's when

you're hypnotized you're that so on those drives you're hypnotized you just don't realize it because you're just so disconnected you know what you're doing and you're thinking clearly but you just don't you just don't care pay attention to that part your body's just throwing it into auto yeah which it kind of thing. Yeah, which it kind of makes sense, but now sometimes I'll try to do that, and you can't just do it. But it's an interesting thing.

It made me believe in hypnotism a little bit more than I once did. So good on you, bud. Hell yeah. Good on you, mate. Good on you, mate. Dave, what time for your third pick? I'd pick diarrhea last.

Okay. Yeah, shelf and diarrhea. Yeah this one is kind of goes hand in hand it's almost like diarrhea is this of the asshole i'm picking failure oh yeah that's a great one man you just have to like know that that's how it's gonna go sometimes i think for me a big problem i always had would be not acting on something out of fear of failure you know what i mean and that would really inhibit me a lot and it's like and you know obviously perfectionism is like a low self-esteem thing or whatever but the point is like uh failure you just that's how it is. You're just going to fail at stuff. You don't take it personal. It's not like, it's just,

it just happens, man. It's you don't beat it. There's no way around it. The only way you just got to go through it, you know, you're going to fail it in all kinds of shit. And like not starting something because you think you're going to fail is

worse than doing it than failing every time. And it gets, it's like murder or some shit yeah well even that i don't know i don't want to start murder because you think you'll be too good at it i don't think i'd be good at it at all you're very cleanly i get caught so quick it's crazy how quick I'd get caught. Honestly. I believe you would bleach up a crime scene pretty good because you are fastidious. I think I could help somebody

get away with a murder. I think I'd be really good at that. I think this is far away from what I meant by this pitch. It is. Failure. You have to try. Failure, I mean, it hurts, but that doesn't mean you have to go through it. It would hurt worse to be on your deathbed looking back and not having tried anything.

This is more me too with putting the special out and doing it. Like I hate putting out stand up. I like doing it. I like writing new materials. Everything about the act of putting it out is like every edge. I'm like, why are you doing this? You know, I've been meaning to tell you this. And I'm sure I did that day when we were sitting in Boise, but

I'm really proud of you for doing it. It's really cool, because I know you were hesitant, trepidatious, if you will. Okay, the dirt. I saw you pull the trigger. I was sitting at the table, and you're just like, you know what? I'm doing it. And then you did it, and you're doing it.

And that's a very good thing. Oh, you were? Yeah, you were there. We were sitting right there. Me and P were. Yeah. Yeah. You were there. I was like, yeah, I was like, yeah, fuck this.

I'm not waiting around. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause what's the point? It was such a, it's so the opposite of what was ingrained in us as important. Both ingrained in us.

And like, I think maybe even values we just all authentically hold. And now it's the opposite is like the trip where it's like, put out as much as you can all the time. And it's so weird to go from like, it goes from one to the other. Yeah. I spent so much time just in the incubator of like, I want this to be so,

you know what I mean? And that was like how I thought you were supposed to be good at this. And it's like, you know, it's neither here nor there, but like it switched up at some point and it's like, right but you should also have and i like you know rick rubin talks a lot about not being so precious with it there's just like a lot of like there's a lot of stuff this isn't about me my special patreon.com backslash david borey all the info there uh yeah

i have failure man it's in right in like creative pursuits just like in like writing scripts and patreon.com backslash David Borey, all the info there. Yeah, just failure, man. In creative pursuits, just in writing scripts and sending all that, it's like perfection is actually not as hard as you think it is. It's not as big as you think it is. Right. Watching the most successful people in my life, I'm like, oh, so you just did that on a Saturday and Sunday, and then you sent it to someone and they bought it? But gotta see that though it's hard it's hard to see and we're in writers rooms every writer's room i've ever been in two where it's just like oh people

just toss some shit at the wall man it's not that big a deal it doesn't have to be like not everything is your fucking mr holland's opus you know right it doesn't have to be dana works with these guys i. I could say their names, like Dan Hernandez and Benji Samet, who are like big writers. Benji Samet? Benji Samet. I wish he was Benji Samet. They're awesome. They're super funny. They're like incredibly hardworking

people. And they work on like a ton. They wrote that Ninja Turtles animated movie. They wrote Detective Pikachu. They like work on a bunch of stuff. But also I'm just, I just see how much they do and like how much output bunch of stuff but also i'm just i just see how much they do and like how much output they have and then i'm like and like with dana as well and then i look at that compared to like how long it took me to actually build up the like i guess courage is the wrong word but like the motivation to actually write this script and then i finally

sat down but watching them work, I was like, you know what? I can fucking do this. I can try to do this at least. And I sat down and I wrote it in like three days and then immediately had it like picked up by a production company. And I'm like,

oh, that's, you just have to do it. Oh, okay. And also many times I've been rejected over and over and over and over again.

But it's like, you have to build the ship. You know, you have to send out the message in a bottle enough times for someone to like pick it up you send your sls to the world that's right i mean remember when it was like just a comment not just but like you submit to a comedy festival they reject you and it ruins your world but oh my god well back then it was because I did not have that $30. Yeah. That's what was going on, man. I had one,

I had one comedy festival where I wrote in the bio, David Borey won the money to submit to this festival in an all night dice game. Did you get into that festival? No, no. It was one of the years I didn't get into Bridgetown actually, but I think it was because it's hard to get in three years in a row. And I got in my first two.

Don't mean to brag. It's an excellent pick. Failure, yeah. I'm going hard practical on this one. I'm going back to hard practical. No, we came back from Sean. My bad. Yeah, it was that heater pick about getting tired in the car sometimes, all the time.

I'm going hard practical. This is a lesson I learned once. I learned it hard. And I will never have to be taught it again death taxes and changing the oil in your car that happened to my mom did your shit fuse because you didn't do it yeah my shit fused because i didn't do it and it ruined the whole car happened to my mom when i was a kid and she was like yeah that's it man you mean you never i thought you meant you tried to change it yourself you never do no no i didn't change it i didn't take it to an oil can henry's i didn't take it to a jiffy lube i was just like i got to the point in my head where i'm like i don't think you actually need to change your oil

yeah like you just told yourself did you think like in general are you ian carmel i've just thought like one does not one doesn't have to we've all been lied to it's a big scheme it's a big scam and you don't have to change your oil and then my fucking whole shit fused together my car was smoking and i was like what happened oh you didn't change your oil i kept putting it off and putting it off and putting it off and the whole off. And the whole car was shot. Yeah. Yeah. That went on long to the 87 Camry. I was putting oil in occasionally, but I never changed it. So like I'd stop and I'd say low oil. I'm like, I'm gonna put some oil in, but I never changed it. Do you ever put oil in? No, I didn't do shit, man. The hood is a mystery to me. I don't know what's going on in there.

It could be a fucking ferret on a wheel. And I wouldn't do shit, man. The hole underneath the hood is a mystery to me. I don't know what's going on in there. How long did you have it? Fucking ferret on a wheel, and I wouldn't be surprised. Well, because it's like if there's no oil, it's like no lubrication. The pistons are just slamming on each other. Yeah, and it just gets hot. I didn't even know that. I didn't know what the oil was for. You could tell me it was set on fire in the engine.

Anything. You could tell me there was a gnome in the engine who drank the oil and then sort of pulled cranks. Like, I would have believed literally anything you told me. How long did you have this whip? How long did it make it? I knew you when this happened. I must have. Maybe it was right before. Really? I feel like I would have made fun of you a lot more than I remember doing

because I don't remember this at all. Maybe it was before. Maybe it actually was before. I remember when your car got totaled with no insurance on it i do remember that too i did that too speaking of uh you didn't do that things that are unavoidable yeah i've ridden dirty without insurance i can't even i'm not gonna i avoided a license for a long time i got caught riding dirty with neither. No license, no insurance.

I didn't crash it. My girlfriend at the time crashed it, but I was the one who did not insure it. That was my fault. But I also didn't think she was going to be taking my car. I was not driving my car at the time. No, you weren't. It was a spider web, my friend. She took it. I think I had fallen asleep because I was working at Netflix at the time.

I wouldn't say i was stoked you weren't you were not upset uh either i mean you whatever you weren't happy but you were not about the coolest i've seen someone be in a situation like that where you're like well because it affected her it was my fault for not insuring it and i did not communicate to her clearly that the car was not insured. I just didn't think she was going to be driving my car. Yeah. Ever. And then she got in a car wreck. So you can't.

Yeah. She got smoked at like a uncontrolled intersection. And you're like, you can't yell at someone for that. It was my fault. She caught the worst of it because she got in a wreck uninsured. I had to deal with some shit because of it. But like, it would have been super unfair for me to be upset with her the thumbs up just came out of your head like a bunch of eyes tight because you're laying down it looks like you're having thumbs up thoughts

yeah the fuck doesn't mind do it dickhead you don't have you don't have joy in your soul that's why it knows dude maybe this could put some in there there i'm taking oil change change that oil change that oil straight up uh and we're gonna get to my fourth pick right after a short commercial break this episode of all fantasy everything is brought to you by schedule 35 now microdosing is an absolute game changer i have never heard a bad word about it. And like we said, this episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35, our partner in getting things done. Imagine if you could. Let me just take you on a walk. You got a tool, sharpens your focus. It's going to clear your mind up. It's going to keep your anxiety at bay,

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Some stuff that's non-negotiable. Some stuff like you can't... I got buddies. They can't skip leg day. Myself, my schedule is completely packed out with hanging out with my daughter. You try to pepper in work in there. It's really hard to find the time for those things that I want, that self-care stuff. I like to walk a lot. I know that sounds ridiculous. And I don't know what fun means,

but I do like walking. I love to skateboard, but it's hard. I got to drive to the park. I got to get warmed up, which takes your boy a gentleman's half hour these days because these gams ain't what they used to be. But I know that's what makes me happy. And it's hard to make time for it. When you feel like you don't have any time for yourself, it can weigh on you more than anything else. You know, non-negotiables like therapy are more important than ever in that situation. You need to set time, get it like I keep saying, get a new set of ears on it.

If you're having a tough time finding time for yourself, if you just talk to someone, you say these things out loud, you will realize that there is time. You can make time for yourself. You just have to prioritize it. It happens. You can talk to someone,

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and you can switch therapists at any time for zero additional charge. They got your back. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash allfantasy today to get 10% off your first month. Again, that's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash allfantasy. Hey, welcome back to All Fantasy, everything already in progress. We are drafting Death, Taxes, and,

a.k.a. Certainties. And Ian Carmel is in the tee box about to make his fourth pick. I'm taking heartbreak. Oh, yeah, that's on my list. It's going to happen. It's fucking terrible. We've all been through it in monstrous ways. Some of us more recently than others.

But you get over it. You get over it. You get over it. You get over it. Slowly. And much like David's pick, I'm kind of, I mean, it's kind of coasting on the exact same principles

as David's pick of failure, but it is the byproduct of putting yourself out there and enjoying the full spectrum that life has to offer. And if you don't do it, you're only robbing yourself. It's also like, but it's different than failure in that. Like, so specific because it's like whatever it just whatever that type of love is whatever you want to call it romantic love it's just that specific type of heartbreak

that's different than failure that's its own right like that's its own feeling and thing and unfortunately remember the first one? Oh! Dude, I was. How old were you, David? Uh, the first big one? 18.

18. 18 years. Yeah, I was about 18. That was last year for me. That was the first big bad? first big one yeah oh that makes sense I didn't know that was your first one

well then I gotta give you more of a pass cause I was hurting a lot longer than you seem to have been that first one is like it's the first time something happened to me that I thought I couldn't bounce back from yeah where you're like in it where I was like I don't think i'm gonna get better i remember several different

crying episodes specifically i remember where i was i was like okay i'm on the burnside bridge weeping all right i'm here like yeah in the front seat of my car i remember the song how a flower and a hailstorm by eels iels I remember Just thinking like I'm the flower Just like weeping Dude it was fucking brutal You think no one else has ever felt Not in the way that I felt it I'm different there's no way anyone else

The ceiling and the floor The ceiling is so much lower You know what I mean The ceiling is so much higher The floor is so much lower You feel things so much bigger in ways that are beautiful and terrible i also did not know and it took me quite a long time to realize that rehashing it doesn't do any good either though so it broke and then i kept going back to the well dog yeah dude for a few different

relationships like just like no no i'll get i'll get beat up again right that's what love is I kept going back to the well dog for a few different relationships. Like, just like, no, no, I'll get, I'll get beat up again. Right. That's what love is.

Right. I'll go in and get my ass beat one more time. It secretly feels good in a way. Feel at least, you know, what's going on. Yeah. You know what I mean?

It's like, it's not great, but it's like, it is like almost a control thing where you're like, I know exactly what's happening right now. I was sitting at the time. It happened to me, multiple crying, like multiple friends showing up while I was crying times. But one time I was sitting out front of Micah's house. We used to go there and kick it all the time. Nobody was home. So I just sat on their front steps, waiting for someone to get home, waiting for his mom to come home. So you could smooch

somebody, someone, let me give me a kiss. I need it. So our buddy Mark comes up and I was sitting there crying. He didn't notice I was crying by myself in the dark on the front porch. And then he sits down. He's like, what's up, man? And I pulled my hands out of my head, my head out of my hands. And I looked over and I was like, why doesn't she want me? And then he goes, because he knew who I was talking about. And then he goes, he's like, I don about and then he goes he's like I don't know but

I gotta go and he just he was there for 10 seconds and I just sat there that's also such an 18, 19 year old way to oh buddy because I remember because before it happened to me and it happened to some friends and I had nothing to say

I had no advice what am i i had no like they're like i'm saying i'm like i don't sounds like i used to i was just i was this kind of a dick sounds like you're a fucking loser you know what i mean sounds like she was right suck it up idiot and then i had a few of those a few of those even last year now i'm fucking crying in the parking lot at loaf and jug before my shift bro having to go into work because it physically hurts when you get your heart broken it just somehow hurts you can't call in heartbroke no but you can't be like look at my look at my heart it's broken but it hurts for real and you can't think straight and you're a dick like there were people

i had to work at a call center and i was such a dickhead to everybody i got in contact with every my managers my co-workers nobody could everyone was catching smoke dude the first three months of me producing this podcast i was deep in the breakup and i could not think straight you were screaming at us too all the time all the time flying off the handle record record i'm sorry god's a man sean nobody wants you to drink katsa sean i must confess there were several episodes of this podcast where we were recording where you guys were recording and i had my camera off and i was weeping and then you guys would throw to me and i'd be like oh yeah this comes out why doesn't she want me

close the zoom your screen gets bigger so you can see your face more oh god but heartbreak you gotta go through it it's where it builds you up like nothing else i could looking back on it that's the the stuff where you're like okay i did that anything else is possible if you can get through that it's the it's the loneliest you're ever gonna feel it's the it nothing can fix it no money no hanging your it can help your friends can help it also unites you with other people in that it is a shared human experience

because like when you're going through it sometimes you'll get that talk that you need where somebody's like it'll be somebody you didn't expect who's like hey man I've been there yeah my problem was that I got that from people where I was like oh now I know why you are like you are yeah oh shit am I gonna end up like that i remember i had one friend who was like hey man

i've been there and now look at me and he was just like a guy who was just used women as objects and i was like oh no oh this is your origin story i turned into that guy in a low key way. You know what I mean? An emotional ghost dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, look at me. Now I get laid all the time because that's what you're crying about, right? The hardest part is having to tell someone like, you know, how long it really does take. Because I remember when I when I first got my heart broken and some older friends, they were like, it's going to be a year.

And you're like, what? Because it's crazy crazy you can't see a year at that point you're like i was thinking a week or something you're like no it's year year two you know a long time someone said to me it's twice as long as or it's half as long as the relationship as you were together right yeah but there's no rules i think i think that's for people who aren't as sensitive as i am yeah also i thought i thought i was with this girl a lot longer than she thought we were together apparently sometimes i'm like well so we're talking four years what are we talking you gotta put miles it's experiences it's not time that's what i found to be the case it's like it's life lived and not and not time you know and it also it also is like kind of beautiful in the fact that like that's your

testament to knowing you could get through some shit yeah exactly it starts off feeling like it's never gonna be better and then it does get better life goes on you know it's so sweet when it starts to feel better and you don't even care anymore yeah i mean swingers baby they put it it's perfect in swingers it's exactly how it does go. Well, heck, David, it's time for your fourth pick. All right. Fourth pick. I'm going. This is weirdly harder than I thought it was.

It's like the ones I want to go like serious. What was my last one? Failure. Failure. OK, so I'm going to go with a lighthearted one now than laundry. Oh, yeah. That shit. And even if you don't do your laundry, even if you do wash and fold or whatever, which I do a lot. I'm not going to lie. I do a lot of wash and fold.

There's still those two days when it's gone where you don't have shit to do. Every stage of my life, even when my mom did my laundry, which she stopped in like fucking fifth grade so i did not get a not did not get a long runway with that uh but even when my mom did my laundry you'd be like where's my rocking shirt or whatever it just never it's always humbling there's always more of it than you want it piles up it's just shrinks for something is missing. It just works. It's just forever. I like doing laundry. Oh, really? I hate it.

I got a washer and dryer. It's I do, too. I do. This will make me sound like a piece of shit. I do wash and fold. I have washed. I have laundry in unit. Yeah, I've seen it.

I got my eyes on it before dog my friends do laundry in my crib more than i do i have friends who regularly come over like and my girl does laundry here too me not i i do the big stuff so i do towels and bedding and shit like that but the day-to-day sorting it out i'll do it especially if i have to go on the road or something like that, but I fucking hate it. I throw on a TV show, I like folding, I separate, I do everything. You like, oh, you like folding.

Oh, folding is the worst. I hang my shit. I hate hanging shit. I hang all my shit, and I don't separate. I hate every aspect of it. Every shirt, everything that's not pants. I hang them all, yep. Wow, I fold up my t-shirts. I have a big dresser.

Fold pants. I got a shit ton of underwear, too, because of years ago. Do you find, I mean, I guess you guys go on the road, though. I wear a lot of Mack Weldon underwear. There we go. Do you find that over the years, because of just going on the road so much, I have, at any given time, I have to have two weeks of clean underwear and socks that I can, because that's what you need on the road so much i have at any given time i have to have two weeks of clean underwear and socks that i could because that's what you need on the road everything else you can kind of

chill but like i have so much underwear and so many socks it's the only thing that has to be fresh every day yeah and uh and uh what do they call her wife wife pleasers now i have pleasers dude yeah yeah yeah i have a little wife yeah i'm weirdly not because i just got out of the shower when i did i uh i will do this though and i've told you this but every if an underwear if an underwear if a pair of underwear doesn't feel right or has a hole i throw them away immediately so as soon as they don't feel right even for one one where i throw them away same thing with socks one hole i just toss them because i have so many and it's such an easy thing

where I can get new underwear if I have to. So I'm buying new underwear probably once a month. I get a new four-pack. Really? That's a lot. Once a month? A lot. Because every time I go to Costco and they got these Puma ones or the Calvin Klein

ones. I've seen them. Yeah, they're dope. So I buy those a lot. I get new underwear every time Mack Weldon re-ups their sponsorship of our show. And thanks, I mean, now this seems like... I got the long ones. I got the ones that are like biker shorts. They're like down to my knees.

There are... Really? I don't want to get... You did? You have the long ones? I have some of those Under Armour ones. You can only wear those with pants. They stick out from your shorts.

They're like 50 bucks. I was like, yeah, I'm going to get some $50 underwear real quick. Get the long ones? I got the long ones. Under Armour ones that you can only wear those with pants. They stick out from your shoulder like 50 bucks. I was like, yeah, I'm gonna get some $50 underwear real quick. There are certain. I'm not going to say anything about. I'll just say this. I fucking fuck with Mack Weldon. So do I. In every aspect. I bought a Mack Weldon shirt to potentially wear on TV.

Yeah. It didn't happen, but I like I love their shit, man. I'm wearing them right now. I'm stoked they're on board. You know who else is a great sponsor? Aeropress. I got one. The best coffee I've ever made. It rules, dude. The Aeropress coffee.

Oh, yeah. I got that at my house. But I've made it for people. And whoever's sponsoring this episode. It gives you a perfect cup, though. Aeropress. That's why we sound like pricks. But I'm serious. Mack Wilman Aeropress, our dankest shit.

I think we're pretty lucky with most of our sponsors. Zen, dude. Sorry. Zen it to win it. All families see everything. It's so funny to me. Sorry, I won't do that.

Today's zinner is Zen. I saw an empty pack of Zins at the skate park yesterday and I rolled my eyes. I was like, these fucking kids. Like I wasn't that kid. Get the all kid everything mesquite flavor is in available now nothing like a barbecued cigarette taste

uh laundry though yep yeah man for days you just can't get away from it sean time for your fourth and then your final picks as it is in all serpentine draft. Fourth pick is death taxes and me always thinking I can run faster than I can. I can't relate to that because you are you and I'm not. Are you talking about race wars? I'm just talking about anytime I

sprint, I swear to God, I think I'm fast. How often do you go full speed? I do it every, I don't know, once a month. I did it like four days ago speed i do it every i don't know once i did it like four days ago just to see because so you want to know why i did i heard on a podcast that most people if you're over 40 you're never supposed to run full speed if you're a normal person over 40 because you might tear something which that shit happens like crazy if you don't stretch you could pop your like achilles or a hammy or something and have it be like a real big issue but every now and again i just i just do it where do you go i walk all the time so i know you walk all the time i walk all the time too but where do you

break into a full sprint if there's no one around like i did it at reed college the other day if you go i love that someone might be looking at their window just just take it like 40 somebody's just making a tea a cup of tea looking out their window oh it's so nice i actually have a thursday off this never happens and i see you i had to hold my wallet and my keys too because they were you know i got loose pockets so i'm running with my wallet my keys and my it looked like i stole it from a college kid probably yeah that's also scarier because that feels like that feels like something bad is happening yeah like if you have your wallet and your keys and it's like oh no shit what's happening you know i'll go i'll go like full bore on the treadmill sometimes to close it out like i walk at three whatever 3.0 is i think

it's like 20 minute miles so So sometimes I'll ramp it up to like eight for 30 seconds just to do it. And that's me. And like, well, dude, see what happened. By the way, I don't ever hook up that thing to where if you were to fall off the treadmill, the thing that disc that shuts it off, you know? So sometimes I'm like, man, there's a scenario where I do pop my Achilles in the garage and I eat shit on the treadmill and Laura just hears me go flying into the garage and has no idea. I treadmill and laura just hears me go flying into the garage and has no idea i think she'd figured out pretty quick what happened out of curiosity how come you don't pop the thing how come you don't put the thing in if i'm being honest which i i don't want

to i don't want to lie just like it's the same reason i didn't wear a seat belt in high school where i'm like nah just stupid you know i'm not a i'm not a wuss. You guys go through that phase where you were like, seatbelts are whack? No, never. I had electronic seatbelts in my probe that would just buckle for you and I'd take it off. I was like, nope, seatbelts are whack.

Same thing with the little clippy thing on the treadmill. I'm like, fuck that. Something about being able to drive to the ocean makes it, I don't know, it must be. On the west coast, it didn't seem to hit Isaac and I. Nope. I drove to the ocean. Drove to the ocean on a donut, baby.

Yeah, well, always thinking I'm going to be faster than I am. And for my last pick, I'll do something bright and cheery. Death taxes and barbecues always being dank. That's true. It's hard to have a bad barbecue. I don't think

I've been to a bad one. I've been to okay ones, but I don't think I've ever been to one where I was like, this sucks. I can always find the dope part in a barbecue where I'm just like, this is tight, man. It's's always tight somebody's at least bringing a grocery store tub of potato salad and if that's there i can have a good time yeah there's a dude and it's like you kind of really have to fuck up burgers and dogs on the grill yeah a dog especially you can't i don't even think it's possible because

you need them raw i don't even think it's possible to fuck up a dog. If they have any heat, they're fine. I've been to a barbecue where somebody's blown it. I've been to a barbecue where multiple people have blown it, but I've never been to one where everybody blew it. So there was always at least something. There's always something. And if not, you know, it's the summertime. There's something in that cooler that's going to make you feel better.

Absolutely. It's the barbecue. You're in the grass. I don't know. Sometimes I'll sit on the cooler. If we're grilling in the park, sometimes I'll sit on the cooler just so I get to talk to everybody. Yeah. Hey, David, can you hand me a... Yeah, man.

I'm right here. Underhand tosses of some cans. Oh, yeah. All right. Okay. How's your mom? Yeah, man. Barbecues are always dank haven't had the first barbecue of the season we haven't really had a barbecue at the crib yet we're talking about grilling out on this Sunday

me and the team we'll see I mean it's snowing right now which is not awesome that might mess up a barbecue but they say it's supposed to be like 75 I think on sunday so we'll see right yeah man more power to you david your final pick i am gonna take last

oh okay this one sean's maybe gonna hate it a midwesterner i just i thought you thought you could avoid it for work everything's work everything's work and like maybe your job's not your work but you have something that's important to you that you do work on you just can't like i always wanted to be like no i'm not gonna work in an office i'm just gonna and it's like nah man everything it's it's fun it's nice it's it's it's like great you know you don't beat that some work sucks some works hard some works great some work makes you feel incredible exactly it's just just work man i remember it's so funny you were talking about camping my friend's dad told me years ago, he's like, camping, it's fun because of the work. It's fun to set up camp.

The rewarding. It's fun that we all have our roles to play when we cook breakfast or you cook this meal and I cook this meal. It's fun getting the boat ready and taking it down and taking it out or the jet ski's broke and we're going to all fit. It's like, that's the fun of it. And it's like, I kind of take that and put that into life where it's just like, yeah, it's just fun.

It's like, what a not doing shit. That's kind of a bummer. Yeah, it is. I feel you that it, God, that is a really good point. It doesn't have to be your job. I want that on the, some people love their jobs. Some people hate their job job but it's just like outside of that you know you can love your job and it becomes work it's unavoidable it's almost

it's almost kind of ends up being sort of a bummer to them yeah what am I doing why is it it's an excellent pick that Cypress Hill documentary man Sendog he got he gets on he's like it's a fun job but it's still a job I think it's like talking about how to be a rap like when he's talking about how to be a rap superstar or even a rock superstar live large yeah cars yeah they put that in there but it is true it is very true still a job no matter what people think too i feel like especially what we do listen it is very fun but it's also like it's just any it's like anything else you know what i mean some days you don't want to play well we just talked about this

I'm gonna eat I ate breakfast at a coffee shop I'm nowhere near my wife or any of my things you're gonna get diarrhea I'm gonna get diarrhea a festival so it's not all bad that's guaranteed a one 2d weekend at least oh yeah it's all in so far

the poop has been solid? The poop. That's what I meant. Hanging with Shane was diarrhea, but the poop was solid. It'll loosen up. It'll loosen up. Time for my final... These fucking headphones.

Wait a minute. Now I can hear myself. You can hear me. It's me hearing you. That's the thing with headphones. You fucking idiot. Sorry about the dusk pic. What do you want me to do? I'm going to take decay.

Yeah, man. That's the nature of shit. Death, taxes, and decay. And you can interpret that however you want. It happens to you it happens to the things you own it happens to the people you love we we fall apart a little bit and we get better as we decay you know like in some ways in some ways but you also like these just aren't coming back oh no my ankle's gone rebox yesterday and now it feels like my big toe is sprained just because i

walked in shoes that were wrong ill-fitting ill-fitting yeah it's just shit you fall apart a little bit and you can't help it it comes for us all aging and decay they come for us all but it's beautiful because the alternative is nothing we know about for sure like who knows what it is but we could be any number of things but we don't know the decay is beautiful and you have to you have to kind of learn to own it and embrace it and mitigate it however you can uh it is the only the hardest part is just the fit i mean i'm maybe this is all decay but like just the physical just the i don't mind looking older yeah boners man if i could just have sex again that'd be so awesome but i think i got my last boner about six months ago i don't

know what's happening if i had known there was a finite number no uh man i wonder if yeah throwing them out on the street during adolescence the hotel rooms would have seen a lot less on the street during adolescence. Street boners? The hotel rooms would have seen a lot less on the road, I'll tell you that. Hotel boners are unavoidable. That's going to happen. That was my last pick. That's my honorable mention.

And seeing to them is kind of unavoidable. And seeing to them? Is that what you're calling it? No, excuse me. I have to see to my boner it's unavoidable decay is the final pick Isaac do you have a pick death taxes and I'm gonna take

a hopeful pick death taxes and life life is also inevitable life is also perpetual life always goes on you die you pay taxes but life always goes on. You die, you pay taxes, but life always goes on. Life finds a way. Clever girl.

Now, Sean, you've had about two hours to find the name of the person who suggested this topic. I'm telling you, my computer so the way the Patreon comments, they're not loading. There's 217 of them. Shout out to all of you for putting.

It's amazing to me. Every time we put up a poll or something and you see all the engagement, it really is humbling. So thank you, everybody. You know, there's a finite amount of times you can put up a poll in life. That's what I heard. Yeah. Boners. Boners.

Boner shit. Boner shit again, dude. Yeah. Boner shit again, bro. So I keep getting the thing that says reload the page or wait or exit or whatever so nothing's coming up did you reload the page i'm trying i've been trying this whole time i've been toggling right now it's just i wish i could show it to you it's just sitting there uh rt fern suggested 80s song shout out thanks for your suggestion

gunner conway suggested life hacks but it's been on this page for about an hour and a half it's okay though man why isn't it seriously isn't doing shit anyway it'll get solved well what if we just end the podcast like that now we want to hear yours oh wait i gotta recap for god's sake i'm laying i'm reclining like it's passover all right what does troglodyte mean a simpleton a it's like a someone whose brain is more cave man than man i was gonna do it's a dragon with dude arms do the recap you troglodyte which is what i was gonna say burninating the countryside burninating the peasants. That website, that couldn't fly it again anymore, right? I loved it.

I loved it so much back in the day. No, there was some... Homestar runner. Yeah. Sean, you went first. You took being cold when you're camping, traffic, tired in a car around sunset, not being able to run as fast as you think, and barbecues always being dank.

David, you went second. You took yourself, diarrhea, failure, laundry, and work. Sounds like my Friday night. I took the dentist, holiday weight,

oil changes, heartbreak, and decay. We went deep on this one. We also went very, very shallow. Yeah, it was very shallow. I'm proud of us. I'm proud of us. I asked Laura, I was just like, what would you say? And she's like, I don't know, global warming?

And I was like, yee. Yeah, dude. Keep it wide, El Boogie. My God, this is a comedy podcast. We want to hear your suggestions she likes a cigarette she might be in the room you be careful Sean we want to hear yours hit us up at all fantasy pod on twitter all fantasy podcast at gmail

dot com shout out to everyone on the all fantasy everything patreon where you will get auction drafts we're about to do one mailbag episodes bonus episodes live episodes, and of course, Isaac's tasteful nudes. Tasteful. They're beautiful.

They're absolutely gorgeous. They really are. Shout out to super producer Isaac on the ones and twos, crying through all fantasy everything for three months and never, never telling us. Never dropped the ball. Never telling us. Never dropped the ball.

Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sidney. Shout out to Sidney. Shout out to Haji Beats. And more important than all that, tune in next week to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Shukrakity. that was a hate gun podcast