All Fantasy Everything - Places To Pee That’s Not a Toilet (w/ Tyler Parker, Shane Torres, and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: June 29, 2023

This episode was produced from the dark side of the yard.   Episode Guests: Tyler Parker @tylrparkr (IG: @tparker30) Shane Torres @shanetorres (IG: @shanetorres)   Support the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.   Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel (IG: @IanKarmel) Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan (IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan) David Gborie (IG: @Coolguyjokes87) Isaac K. Lee @IsaacKLee (IG: @IsaacKLee)   Show Email: [e-mail] omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. What's up, everybody? It's your boy. It's your host, Ian Carmel. And I have a last second stand-up tour date announcement. I am going to be coming to Toronto, Ontario, Canada, July 13th, 14th, and 15th to perform a little stand-up comedy. I'm going to be at the Comedy Bar, Danforth location.

Again, that's the 13th, 14th, and 15th of July doing stand-up. Only one show a night, so make sure you snap up those tickets now while you can. Can't wait to see you there in the one Toronto. Jewel of the North.

I mean, your motto is We the North, and even though Portland, Oregon is technically a more northern NBA city than that, I'm not even going to bring that up. I'm not even going to bring that up during the show. I might bring it up. I might do like 15 minutes on it. But that's it. But that's it.

And then outside of that, it's just going to be me respecting Pascal Siakam unless he's traded by then. At which point I'll destroy him. Unless it's to the blazer. You know what? Just come to the show. I'll see you there. Comedy Bar Danforth July 13th, 14th, and 15th. I love you so much.

This is all Fantasy Everything. The podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture and beyond today because today we are drafting places to pee that are not a toilet our guests today are shane torres and tyler parker i'm your host ian carmel and joining me as always is my friend and comedian sean jordan david borey locked in a Bolivian prison, but has navigated himself to basically running that Bolivian prison.

And he's having Wi-Fi put in later today. Let's get into it. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that is drafting places to pee that aren't a toilet. He's Sean Jordan. Sean is Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on Instagram. Sean, drinking alone on the patio last night in your hearts. Yeah, man.

Pretty, pretty simple stuff out there. Admiring the lawn opinions on wheat. God, Laura's doing yard work right now. Oh, I feel like such a coward when that happens. Yeah.

Wow. I'm just sitting here with my feet up, sipping a coffee, talking about middle school shit. And, uh, she's out there slamming how long would you feel like you had if you weren't doing this if she didn't know you were doing this how

long would you feel like you had to stay in the house if you didn't have it never get upset about it but i can't do it for more than 10 seconds as soon as i know like an episode of yellow stone out there she's just fucking clear brush. Yeah. Yeah. Then you hear an old song. It's like by Johnny Paycheck or something. It's like, I'm just an old violin is playing in the background. She comes in and lays her

giant thick gloves on the counter. She had to kill a man last night. She puts them in her back pocket and cracks open a beer. She's settling border disputes just outside of Gresham and then you come in humming like Lefty Frizzell like oh it's Saturday

yeah it's Wild Wings she says things like that'll figure like that'll sometimes it'll work out where like I'll get out of the car or something're like i'll get out of the car or something and like we'll get out of the car with our daughter and all i'll just look over and it works out to where she has the stroller the backpack her purse and like our daughter's

bottle and i have nothing i'm just holding my phone or something and i'm like we can't i can't go i can't go anywhere like this. I need the backpack or something. Y'all are living the kind of life where if you were working 50 hours a week in a coal mine, basically. Yeah, anyway. But you're working two hours a week on a podcast. If you want to come see me be this lazy sack of shit that you hear talking, I will be in Sacramento, August 3rd through the 8th with the one Kyle Kinane. I will be in Minneapolis,

Minnesota, August 18th and 19th, I believe, at Comedy Corner Underground. And then something coming up or dates in the fall, whenever, whatever. Those are the only two that I have nailed down right now. Beautiful. Shane Torres is here.

On Twitter. What is it on? Shane Torres is on everything now. Cross-platform. Are you on TikTok? No, I am, but I don't ever post on it. My butt fell off on TikTok? I don't know

if I need another thing to have to worry about. If I do TikTok,ok i'm gonna hire someone to do it i'm not fucking with it anymore it's making me sick i've been out here on tiktok dude i've never felt older in my life than the first time and only time that i got onto that app i got on there and was literally like what do i touch i don't know where do my fingers go it's a mess i was just on vacation with my nephew. And the way he interfaced with every single thing I was unfamiliar with on his phone was mind blowing. I was like, he's a genius.

And they're like, no, it's just inherent now. Like they all grew up with it. It's fucking insane. like kind of, you know, a chill down my spine kind of moments as a parent was whenever like she was two at the time was looking at a picture of herself because she wanted to look at a picture of herself on my phone. And I got a text that came in and just without thinking, she took her finger up to the top of the screen and got the text out of there and cleared it out just by herself. And she, that was the first time I'd ever seen her do it and i was just like jesus christ she's never even seen minority report how does she know how to do that she likes she likes late period cruise minority report is a classic film to her

it was made at the same time as casablanca all the yellow sepia tones that's kind of her black and white you know yeah yeah yeah it'd be oh god with those instagram filters dude i was holding a roadmap i just wanted to have one when we were in hawaii and my nephew was like what is that because the reception is so spotty out there in parts of it yeah that i was like yeah like and he was like, what? And I was like, ah, it's a paper accordion. You don't, you'll never know. That's how we're getting out of here when your phone does.

Yeah. Yeah. It's fucking, you're going to run out of water before the rest of us. And have no clue. Getting on TikTok feels like, like walking out of your hotel room and you're all of a sudden in the middle of Shibuya crossing in like Tokyo. You know what I mean?

It's just like so busy, right? It's just like, there's no ramping up into mean? It's just like so busy, right? It's just like there's no ramping up into it. And the other thing is, the irony of it is like our shit is on there all the time being used by other

people. Like my bits are on there all the time. My videos are on there and I don't know who's putting them up there. You see it a lot where you have no idea who the person that posted it is. I mean, I know. I don't. I mean, I see their profile, so I know who they are. But you don't know the person. No, no, no, no, no, no.

It's fucked. It's fucked. When I was in Austin, I got a cut for my special, and I fell asleep drunk because I had a bunch of margaritas and I had my headphones in when I was watching my special, and I could hear the special playing in my head while I had the subconscious like I'm

dreaming brain and the dream going on. It was that's what TikTok feels like to me. It's three things happening at once that you are that are familiar, but none of it is under your control. That's right. Shane taped a special. That's right. It's not that in there by produced

by Leanne and Bert Kreischer. So we'll see where it ends up but should be coming up we're gonna see if that ends up now if they want to see your comedic stylings before that dropped where can they frequent this comes out when 29th yeah june 29th oh june 29th that's great because i got some dates coming up i can plug i will be in bridgeport connecticut at the stress, their second location. You can see me at Bottle Rocket in Pittsburgh on the 15th of July, Fort Collins Comedy Club, Comedy Fort in Fort Collins and Montreal just for less. Going back for the first time since Ian and I were new faces 10 years ago.

Wow. Yes. And then that was maybe the darkest day of my career up until that point was when I came home. Ian was the bell of the ball at New Faces. He did. He came back. He came back. I swear to God, with a stack of business cards. I saw him back to Portland. Yeah, you left him on the windowsill for when I came in a day later.

I had I had one business card from a management company called Apostle by a guy named Jim Serpico, who never called me back. And then finally, they call me back like three months later. He sends out his assistant to take a meeting with me in the lobby. So, yeah, dude. So this is this is going to be a real Duran Leonard, too. I'm coming back to knock the shit out of montreal when i met with caa who ended up signing with at uh at just for last montreal they had been meeting with dave chapelle right before so he walked out and i walked in baby yeah but look at us now people are fucking yeah turns out they were right

i've still never been so shut your pie hole well yeah you're not welcome in french canada and you know why that is and it's a it's a beautiful city with a because i'm a patriot it's because you drag martin brodeur's name through the mud all through the all through the 1990s drag it through the sand can't be fucking with the abs man they're serious about that guy i'll drag it wherever i want to drag it man we won so i don't need to go up there they're uh they're the comedy nest or comedy club is uh is a mall but it was where the canadians wherever I want to drag it, man. We won. So I don't need to go up there. The Comedy Nest, their comedy club, is a mall, but it was where the Canadians used to play.

Yeah. It's cool. And they have a statue of Rocket Richard in there. It's very sad to see what hallowed ground has turned into. I don't need to go up to a country that spells January 6th with an extra O.

It's like a favorite joke. Fav-oo-rit. into. I don't need to go up to a country that spells January 6th with an extra O, you know? It's like a favorite joke. It was a little... It didn't work. Isaac, go ahead and cut that out. Isaac, cut everything but that joke, and let's just drop that joke. Go ahead and put something dope in there. Isaac, go back and give Sean saying that kind of an echo effect.

Like, really, really make it feel like a used car commercial. Another one! Just go acapella to start the show with that, I think. By the way, it would be a U, not an O, an extra U put in there. Well, where were you before I said it, buddy? Where were you on January?

Where are we sitting? See, everybody would have got it if you would have just been here. You guys want to see him talk about the Trump indictment now or something else? No, I'm in a good mood. Yeah. We're a bit, after our 300th episode, we went far right, Tyler, just so you're aware of what's going on here. Well, no, I mean, there is a tie-in with all the boxes in the bathrooms of, at least in the pictures I saw.

Yeah, that's true. One good place to pee would be on a box of contingency plans for the U.S. Navy. Okay, okay. Tyler Parker is here. At T-Y-L-R-P-A-R-K-R on Twitter. Oh, you're like The Weeknd. Yeah, we got these out of there.

There's a lot of Tyler Parkers out there. It's a pretty boring name. And I kind of wanted to leave the numbers out of it. Yeah. Get out of here, Ease. Are you on Instagram in any way that you would like people to interact with? I am on Instagram. And as soon as I say that, I think there are numbers in my Instagram handle.

But this is how often I post on Instagram. I have to look. It's tparker30. That's what it is. There he is. There he is. A lot of good stuff on there. You can tell I interact with it frequently.

Author of the sense released. It comes out tomorrow as we're recording, pub day. Yeah. The book, A Little Blood and Dancing, which I'm going to let you talk about in a second. But first, I'm going to talk about it. The best, I think I technically read it last year, but the best book, not by my wife, that I have read, you see me slide that in there? I'm smart. The best book, not by

my wife, that I have read in the last year. Not by my wife. Not by my wife. I fucking loved it so much. It's fantastic. It's like an Elmore Leonard-y, like it's crimey. Shane, you would love it. Sean, you would love it sean you will

love it when they make it into a movie or a tv show not a big reader oh by the way sean michael mann wrote a book and it's heat too and the audio version of it is insane whoa they didn't who who's who's doing the who's who's the cast it's cast? I only heard the first 10 minutes of a narration and it is fucking wild. That's fucking rad. I'll send you guys... I'll put it in the text, but I'll send you the audio blip from Spotify. You're going to listen to it

and laugh your fucking balls off. That's amazing. It's clearly a script that they just funneled into a book. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're already making the movie but i'll tell you what's a better book than heat too a little blood and dancing by tyler parker well that's sweet of you i don't know he too sounds pretty fucking good and you know i i you know i heat was a fucking fantastic piece of work but no i mean you're a fucking sweetheart ian for having

me on here and for blurbing the book. Like, that was massive. So, no, I'm stoked to be here, terrified that everybody's going to read it. But, yeah, hopefully it goes well. Can you give the elevator pitch on the book for the listeners? We do have some people who read who listen. Yeah, elevator pitch on the book. What, five-year-old girl watches her dad get shot. Then the book follows her and then the guy that shot her dad, kind of parallel narratives. You see a woman that he marries falls in love with. You see her kind of, their paths sort of diverge.

She starts to get very religious and gets a lot older, realizes, oh, dude is still around and doing quite well for himself. And kind of snaps and is like, hey, God, I know thou shalt not kill for sure. Totally. It's bad. But this guy sucks, right? Like, this guy's terrible. That's how I would talk to God. And I don't do anything wrong.

Thank you for giving Sean the cliff notes to this, by the way. That's good. That sounds tight, dude. It does sound really good. No, it's basically her trying to talk herself into it. And then, yeah, that's kind of it. That's the book. I love the title.

Thank you. It's fantastic. There's Hakeem a Kim Elijah on references. Yes, there are, there are, there are exactly 34 Hakeem Elijah one references in the book. And I include,

I include dream in that number. Um, because sometimes he's just referred to as that, but yeah, there were, there were like 31 or 32. And then I realized that there were, Oh,

there should be 34, you dumb ass. And so then I shoot, and then I shoe that there were oh there should be 34 you dumbass and so then I shoehorned in two more or whatever and so we got 34 does it take place in Houston or something? it takes place in Oklahoma and the books well I'm not going to read it now

you weren't going to read it before I've been reading a book a month that was my goal this year. What'd you get through a fucking Archie magazine? Shut up. Shane, I think you'd love this book. You should read it. It sounds like right up my tea.

Right up my tea. Right up your tea kettle. Right up your tea. That sounds great. I'm going to, dude, we are, Shane, I do apologize, but we are going to blurb that and put that on the Penguin Random House page. It sounds like my, it sounds right up my T. It's right up my T.

Go ahead and do it, though. No, yeah. Thank you, Ian, for having me, dude. I'm, yeah, stoked, stoked all around. This is, this is fun to be here. It's fantastic. People are going to love it. They're going to, they're going to buy it.

They're going to read it. It's, I can't believe it comes out tomorrow. You must be so excited. You also write for The Ringer? I do, yes. Yeah, NBA final. Yeah, it's like all coming to a head now. Like the finals could end tonight, and then the book comes out tomorrow.

So, yeah, Tuesday is going to be a little busy, I think. We can just say Denver won the finals at this point. They won it Monday night, June 12th. It's going to be a better time for your book to come out, I think, because this is like the worst sports time of the year. After this series ends, it's going to be nothing but baseball for two months. Yeah, I tried watching some baseball last night. I went to my first Yankee game this year.

I love going to see it in person. If I'm there, for sure I'm there for sure that's the only way though I think that might be one of the biggest swings just in terms of enjoyment of any activity yeah and one I would I wonder what other things are like I have absolutely no interest unless I'm there in person concerts next time you're on this show, my friend. That's a good draft. Oh, yeah, you're right. There you go. Dude, concerts for sure.

You ever see somebody filming? I mean, of course you do on their phone and you're like, who are you showing that to? Where they wouldn't be like, I'm just going to watch the music video. And I don't want to see your concert footage from your phone.

I've seen some good concert films. Obviously, there's some legendary ones, but I don't know this it's a rarity it's a rarity but that they're worth watching yeah yeah uh my name is ian carmel at ian carmel on twitter at ian carmel on instagram at ian carmel on tiktok at ian carmel on oh god i gotta keep coming up with these i've done like 300 of them Ian Carmel on Jewish MGM oh that's a good one the MGM points

app on my phone because you can see me at the Jimmy Kimmel Comedy Club in Las Vegas Nevada July 7th 8th and 9th I will be there during the first weekend of Summer League doing stand up comedy yeah dude I gotta come can I come I would love for got to come. Can I come?

I would love for you to come. I want to come watch. That would be great. I'll be at the Jimmy Kimmel. I'll be at the basketball games during the day and Jimmy Kimmel at night. And then we'll see after that. Hell yeah. We'll see after that. It's going to be a lot of fun.

So come see me there if you're in Las Vegas or if you're going to be in Las Vegas for Summer League or otherwise. And you will have seen us in Denver and you will see us in Denver again probably. We're not supposed to announce it yet, right? Not yet. No. Isaac, put that January 6th

thing right there and act like Ian said it. AI, Ian's voice, even though he's a liar, he can do it. Please, Allen Iverson, my voice. We're talking about Denver? Denver? Not Fort Collins. Not Fort Collins.

Denver? Not Boulder. Not Boulder that I love. That I love. Not Boulder. Shout out to Deion Sanders. Shout out to Shane's boy, Deion Sanders. That's right, good friend.

Must be the money. We used to play crafts together when he was in Atlanta, but it was a different time. Used to fly to Miami and bet on Highline, fly back. Same day. Shane and I saw Highline fucking alley or whatever you call it in Boise.

Remember we were walking around in Boise and we were like, they play Highline here and then they let us go in and look at it. You remember that? Yeah, it's a fucking violent looking sport. It's crazy. Highline in Boise? There's a place where they play highlight and we're like it's a weird place though yeah just a long hallway and we're like they showed us the thing and i was like so they just fling shit goes all the way over there and they're like yeah it goes fast this is interesting what are they how is it violent though what are they what are they like it's just like if you don't

know what you're doing when i say violent like the proximity of it looks like if you don't do it right, the injury is going to be fucking horrible. In Boise style, they let one of the guys have a machete. Yeah. And also there's a lot of cattle branding. It's very, it's very, they keep points on the side of a cow. It's primal. Boise style is a good

I think you add Boise style to any menu item. I'd probably give it a shot. Oh, sure. God, it's not going to be smart, but it's going to be good. I'd probably give it a shot. Sure. God, it's not going to be smart, but it's going to be good. It's going to involve a lot of shaving. I think.

I don't know. Tyler, have you been to Boise before? I've never been to Boise. We've all been to Boise. I would love to go. I would love to go to Boise. I love,

I was just there. I would, I would love to go. I've never been to, I've never been to Idaho. Never. Shane and I shared a hotel room. We were done with each other by the end of the week yeah

that's great I was driving through the mountains in Colorado this weekend I saw a Taco John's and I thought about that Sean made me go fucking like six miles out of the way to stop at a Taco John's cry me a river dude so we get there we go through the drive-thru and then shane this is

how done with each other we were i know i told this poor but we he goes in parks and he starts eating and i was like what's up are we not gonna drive or go in and shane goes he goes and i you you can say you didn't say this all you want he goes i don't like to eat inside places liar so i don't like to eat inside fast food restaurants i don't like to eat inside fast food restaurants. I don't like to eat inside fast food restaurants is what I said. Shane sat in the car like we just got divorced or something. And then I came back out. I got in the car and then we drove six hours home. And then that woman was trying to get across the sidewalk and we were blocking it because we had to get out from the Chase Bank.

And she goes, I guess I'll go around. And he goes, yeah, I guess you fucking will. She was shitty. I know. That was the chase on 39th and Hawthorne, right? I remember it like it was yesterday, my friend. She was like, I guess I'll go around. I was like, yeah, you will.

I can't see. Fucking Sal. It was great. Anyway. It feels like you've gotten over it. No, the cloven-hoved wolf. She was so mean for no goddamn reason. Oh, yeah, you run into those kind of people.

I ran into one of those people outside of the Rose Bowl in Pasadena. She was pushing a stroller. I might be the bad guy in this episode of the podcast. That's all right. Now, we are gathered here today not to impugn the character of people who aren't able

to appear on microphone to defend themselves, but to fancy draft places to pee that aren't a toilet. Now, I came into this thinking it was places to pee that aren't a bathroom, but we're about to find out. Well,

I mean, I can play jazz with I just have some stuff that might sometimes be in a bathroom. Yeah, sometimes trust me, dude. I done peed. I peed a lot in my life, so I'll get it done every day. I pee every day. Yeah, dude.

You don't even know how much I know. You guys have no done. I pee every day. I pee every day. Yeah, dude. You don't even know how much. No, you guys have no idea. I'm on blood pressure medication. I pee more than anybody, dude. I'm peeing right now. Does it make you pee? More? Yeah.

The way some of it works is it gets the water out of your blood. So you're just like constantly pissing, dude. Piss city over here. Piss-a-sippy. Piss City, what's that Tammy Wynette song? Piss City. Have you ever listened

to that song, Piss City? Piss City's an unbelievable song. It's so great. It's about a woman trying to sleep with her husband. It's like, if you don't stop, I'm going to take you to Piss City. She's like, I'm going to beat your ass

if you don't stop coming around my house. It's unbelievable. Well, the man I love puts garbage in the can, and that's what you look like to me, Fifth City. Whoa, really? You serious? Dude, Tammy Wynette and Loretta Lynn have some absolute bangers

and lines that'll make your eyebrows wiggle. Both of them have total heaters. Yeah, they're like, they are tough, tough country room women. They're barefoots. That's Tammy Wynette, right? Oh, dear.

Or is that Loretta? Maybe I'm wrong. Honestly, they probably both sang it. I'm going to get my country card revoked. Tammy Wynette. That's Tammy Wynette. She's just like, yeah, even if they suck. you know, it's just, it's just her being a hard ass where she's like, whatever. I just do what I just got her heels dug in. Loretta wrote a song about the pill, like in like the early, early days.

Like she was like, she was like, you know, hard, hardcore. Yeah. Do they still, are they still country artists artists doing that kind of thing? Oh yeah. Carrie Underwood kills a guy in almost every song. It's awesome. She gets all about dudes. One of them, she poisons a guy that hit his wife.

I mean, it's dope. She's always killing dudes. Amanda Shire's album from last year was really good. She's amazing. Her husband, Jason Isbell, is fantastic. Maren Morris has some good shit. Went to high school with her. Did you really?

She went to high school in the same town or same time, and so we'd see each other. She used to go to punk shows and stuff. Oh, that's rad. That's super cool. Maren Morris. Jessica Lea Mayfield's really good, but she's kind of like not ass country, I would say.

She's got some weird stuff, but she's fun. There's a guy named, I mean, Sturgill's amazing, obviously. Oh, yeah. One of the best live shows I've ever seen. He's like a 10 even on YouTube stuff. If you just see him in a guitar with some other dude, or him on a banjo, it's unbelievable. I don't even like the banjo and it's just like incredible.

I don't know how people play that thing. That's fucking crazy. That's like Steve Martin. That's Steve Martin? Yeah. What I'm going to ask Steve Martin is where would he like to pee if it's not a toilet? Yeah, let's get smart. Let's not talk about that. What do you think he would say? There's one dirty rotten scoundrels reference there.

Oh yeah, there is. Yes, yes there is now the way we determine the order of this draft is through a rollicking game of rock paper scissors play between the three of you and we throw and shoot here we go rock paper scissors shoot Shane wins he throws a rock against two scissors Shane Torres

as the winner of rock paper scissors it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft before you do that I will remind you it is a serpentine draft and what does that mean? It's an excellent question I just saw a garter snake slither away yesterday

is that when Laura was in the yard? when I was sipping my mint julep with my big hat going, there's more weeds over on the corner, Laura. Honey, get the shovel. Gave it with the shovel. Laura, you know a snake scares the death out of me. It went over by the other weeds

on the dark side of the yard. Bring it here so I can take a look at it and then send it into a neighbor's yard. Sean, you sound like an 80-year-old man learning to read. That's what's going to be happening. I'm already terrified of the dark side of the yard.

I don't know what that entails. But that sounds terrifying. If it's me and I'm at that house, I'm exactly like that guy. I'm like, y'all go to the dark side of the yard. I'm going to be over here standing in the light, baby.

I got no interest in the dark side of the yard. So it's like watching a snake. Is that part of your youth group? Is that part of your youth group? Is that part of your youth group sermon? The dark side of the yard? You can stand in the shed of Christ. Or you can walk over to the dark side of the yard. Where the snakes are.

And the heaven is a hammock between two mighty oaks. Before you're married, you're going to want to go to the dark side of the yard, young people. Don't do it. You will burn in hell if you do. It's like watching a garter snake slither away. Little to the right, little to the left. Heaven is a woman working for you, doing manual labor in your yard, while you have some tasty beverage and just kick back.

She's still out there. I'm talking about the most immature shit i think i've talked about weeks and she's just out there working on the yard it's also it's pretty she's a fair-skinned woman that son's not going to be easy on her also shouldn't she be like fixing the plumbing right now like i mean is there more important they're probably more pressing you have some taco johns ruined it we don't have Taco Johns up here. The closest one's in Spokane, I think. How's your roof?

Is she getting up there next or is that still all good? Dude, I got up there and painted the chimney box. You want to see some baby giraffe legs, you get somebody who doesn't know how to paint on a roof painting the tallest thing on the roof. I was terrified. And then our roofers came over. I was like, people fall off the roof, right? And they go, oh yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Like a lot. Anyway, did we get an explanation in there? Shane, basically what it means is if you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second. Now with that in mind, what will the order of today's fantasy draft be? I'm going first.

Tyler will go second. Sean will go third. And Ian will go second. Sean will go third. And Ian will go fourth. Hot corner. I'm going last. Shane Torres, you have the first pick. And the places to be that are not a bathroom, all fantasy, everything fantasy draft. And we're going to get to that first pick right after this short break.

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pre-roll and mid-roll content. But right now, it's time to figure out where we're peeing that isn't a toilet. And the first person is Shane Torres. Yeah, Shane. Where are you draining that dirty little pickle at? You think

beating off and taking a leak are the same thing? That's what you call beating off is draining your dirty little pickle? I thought you said, were you jerking that dirty little pickle? What are you going to masturbate to pee? Oh, my God. You can see me jerking my little dirty pickle at my goobies in Baltimore on June 27th. Or on the G train with everybody else. I live in New York. I'll be jerking my dirty little pickle

at Stress Factory in Bridgeport, Connecticut. Come get tickets for that. ChainsComedian.com The one thing I don't take a piss on is the stage. I value you spending your evening with me. Yeah, you don't take a big shit on it. on is the stage. I value you spending your evening with me. Yeah, you can take a big

shit on it. Go, dickhead. For me, I never like to go first, but I wanted this one badly, so I'm just going to do it. The Wimbinyama of this draft is Graves. What?

I told Laura that. I was like, if I have to, if it gets down to 19, I'll pick Graves as my last pick. Graves? You're a lunatic. That's the weapon, Yama? I can't believe that went first. That is the dark part of the yard right there.

That is amazing. I've never done that. I've always been scared. I've never done it. That's because you're afraid to live. You pissed on a grave? You psychopath. Don't worry about what I afraid to live. You pissed on a grave? You psychopath. Don't worry about what I do.

Have you ever pissed on a grave? You know, I will amend that. I peed out of my eyes on my dad's grave. Don't you mean you came out of your eyes? I couldn't even say it. Yeah, I've pissed on a grave. You have pissed on a grave? Yeah.

What grave did you piss on? That's between me and that person. Some guy that cut you off in traffic 10 years ago. Oh, it wasn't that lady's grave, was it? Was the stroller when we got back from Boise? Well, nobody ever saw her. Nobody ever saw her again. You just got lost in the dark part of the yard and started going and there was a grave there.

Yeah, there was a grave there. It's hard to... It's just some cat that was buried, some family cat that was buried in the back yard. It's hard to find space on the dark part of the yard

that doesn't have a grave in it. I had Robert De Niro do a voiceover for my doorbell. It says, a lot of secrets buried in the dark part of the yard. A lot of secrets.

A lot of secrets buried in the dark. But it's in the dark part of the yard where a lot of those secrets are buried. There's a lot of secrets. You have a. But it's in the dark part of the yard where a lot of those secrets are buried. You have a child older than Robert De Niro's child. She's in the yard doing yard work right now, too.

I think she's there with her mom pulling weeds. Secrets in the yard. Secrets in the yard. Graves. Number one. Graves. Yeah, man. Was that not on anyone else's list? I didn't have it on my list. graves number one graves yeah man we can stop talking about

was that not on anyone else's list? I didn't have it on my list I had a dead last on my list it was not on mine but I honestly Shane I'm devastated it wasn't on my list and I think it says a lot of bad things about me that it wasn't on my list I figured with the synopsis of your book

you gave that was the cover of it the stream of it. A stream of piss coming out of the top right corner? It should be. I mean, I like flamingos. Maybe the flamingo is the one doing the pissing. Which non-evil person? Let's do a little mini draft here.

Non-evil. We can't all pick Hitler. I don't know if he even has a grave. He doesn't even have a grave site. But like, whose grave would you like to piss on? Oh, you mean so? You mean an evil person? Not an evil person. No, somebody who would think it was funny.

They can't be like evil. They can't be actually evil. Like, they can't have been responsible for a bunch of death. Do you have one? You posed this. I'm trying to think, yeah. I'd like to piss on the grave of the person who invented Miracle Whip. I find it disgusting.

I don't like it. I don't like that it's an option. I'd also like to pee on the grave. Whoever invented Sweet Pickles, I piss on your grave. So it's all culinary stuff. It's an inferior pickle. I'd like to piss on the grave of the person who designed those packages that CD players came in in the 90s.

Because I consistently injured myself trying to open them. Big ones. Every locksmith I've ever had to call, even though they've done the job. Fuck you. Yeah, that's probably one of them. You piss on locksmith graves. Yeah, because whatever, this was $300. Yeah, that's true. Oh, anyone who owns a framing business, I piss on

your grave. Also, why is that so expensive? Dude, frames are so expensive. What is that? so expensive. What is that? They are. What is that? They are. It does not seem like unless there are wonderful designs that someone took a lot of time on. Yeah.

Right. If it's a beautiful frame, fine. Whatever. Like if it's art itself. That frame there, this one up top. Yeah. It's a standard size print concert poster. Yeah. How much do you think it should cost to frame? I think it should cost up top? Yeah. It's a standard-sized print concert poster. Yeah. How much do you think

it should cost to frame? I think it should cost $10. Yeah, $10, $15. Yeah. Is that with or without the picture of you in high school wearing your Letterman jacket tucked in the corner like I can see right now for all the listeners? What are you talking about? I was just making that up.

Oh, this is for the listeners. This is an audio medium. Sean's out of evil, medium definitely on his grave i'll wake up and rip your pickle off pee on my i didn't buy the frame it was a custom job and if he was 100 bucks too much yeah 50 cool shane's out here getting custom frames i get it yeah yeah there were some people driving through uh eagle rock that were like one of those like Trump car parade things back before the election. And I remember and I'm not a confrontational person at all, but I remember I like flipped him off like double birds out the window, like something like Papa Bear came over me sort of thing. And even now, when I think about it, I'm like, man, I really don't like those people at all. And I think I would be happy to piss on most of their graves.

Yeah, I'd be on their graves. Yeah. Piss on their graves. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of them. There's a lot of those. Like, there's a woman that outside of a Chase Bank.

I haven't thought about her in years, but I know how mad I was in that moment because my mouth tastes acidic right now. Just thinking about every single time I see. I know that's I was in that moment because my mouth tastes acidic right now. Just thinking about it. Every single time I see it, that's a very popular intersection. Every single time I go there, I'm just like, I give a little chuckle. We were so done with each other. Tyler Parker, it is time for your first pick. Where are you peeing? Mine is not as exciting as that, don't think and i hope it's

not too vague but i'm gonna i'm i'm saying in the ocean yeah sure yeah that's great yeah fantastic i love a good ocean pee because there are no consequences for it whatsoever and it's the way it's the way to get back to uh the beach the. You don't got to go find a bathroom wherever. Remarkably convenient for what it is. There's something, and this might come up again, but there's something I don't know what it is, but like

I'm just peeing. I'm just surrounded by water right now, and it's just coming out. I don't know. And I don't know. And I don't feel dirty. No. I don't feel dirty. It's not really going anywhere.

I mean, it is because you can feel warm immediately, too. That's also kind of fun. I would like to be more evolved than to say that that's a part of it. But that's part of it that I enjoy is that it does feel nice and warm whenever it happens. You know, I'll say. Do you ever feel like someone's going to call you on it? Like in the,

like, are you like, if you're out there with someone, they're just like, why are you so quiet? What are you daydreaming about? There is the being in the water. There is the being in the ocean face where you're just like,

and the only way to like, things at office just to like, look out and be like, I'm taking in all this beauty, but really you're pissing on it. Your brain is like kind of quietly closing the door to your face. It's like, we're going to leave him out of this.

And this is just between me and my penis. You know, sometimes if it's, if it, if it's deep enough and you know, the waves are, the waves aren't too much. I even like to doggy paddle out a little past where I can stand

and kind of, you know, pee on the move. Kind of crop dust a little bit. Yeah, for sure. Kind of second level of Mario if I were peeing sort of thing. You know what I mean? You know those jetpacks that have the water hose that, like, it's kind of like that, the poor man's version of that. Shane has great prostate health.

You're propelling yourself with a mighty stream. I think that the version of peeing Shane has great prostate health. You're propelling yourself with a mighty stream. Yeah. I think that the version of peeing in the ocean that Shane's talking about is just walking up, getting your feet in, and then just peeing in the ocean. He goes up to his ankles

and pisses himself and then walks back to his blanket. To really complete the picture, he is wearing denim shorts. And they're white. He's facing the beach, goes out, gets up to his ankles, turns around,

faces the beach, points at somebody, pisses his white denim shorts, and then walks back to his blanket. I just look like a kitty litter box when I'm underneath it. And then he finishes his chili. I face towards the beach.

And then you go back to your towel and you finish your bowl of chili that you brought from home. My towel just says respect the moose on it. Your beach chili. Got a hot pot of beach chili stewing in me. Before you leave, you walk over to them

and say, never go in the dark part of the yard. You're just pointing at your chili going, don't touch my chili! And then I put non-coral safe sunscreen all over my body. God damn it. In the right ocean, sometimes I'll just be going for a swim swim like you'll jump off a boat or whatever

it can also be like you pee right away when you get in the water it can help take some of the sting off of being in a really cold water ah yeah it is a nice it is a nice uh on ramp into the into the cooler temperatures i agree yeah yeah all right Yeah. All right, Shane, waiting out. That was Tyler's pick. Even though it was Tyler's pick, Shane waiting out facing the beach. I don't know how you guys picked me for the toilet humor episode.

Sean Jordan, where are you peeing? It's not a toilet. The snow. Yeah. I don't know if it had to be a first round pick. I don't know if it's first round talent. Oh, it's a big left tackle. It's a big left tackle. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if it had to be a first round pick. I don't know if it's first round talent. Oh, it's a big left tackle. It's a big left tackle.

Absolutely. Fun, baby. Solid for solid for years. Going to get your consistency every year. A lot of starts. A lot of. You got three Pro Bowls out of this guy. Yeah.

Yeah. This isn't Tony Mandridge. This guy's going to play. I think you get like six Pro Bowls, like one All-Pro, but just like an anchor. Yeah. A lot of intangibles with this guy. The whole family went to college off of this paycheck. Little fat kids are going to wear that jersey for the rest of their lives.

I think can probably play a lot of different positions on the line at different times. He can go down. He can slide down to a guard, even play center and some. You know what's great about a Snoopy? I'm going to say this. Awesome, sober or drunk. Oh, yeah. Only gets better the drunker you are. You get to go like

when you're doing it. It's the best. Like you're breaking into a safe in a Mission Impossible movie. I do it. I think it's more like a, I call it polar ice capping when I pee in the snow. Yeah. I'll just get out there, do it in the snow, and I'm like, I still know how to write in cursive.

Look at that. It says my name. Cursive. Big cursive S. It is a lot of fun to try to write a word in the snow with a P. Yeah, dude. You got to really know your bladder. You got to be like, all right, how long do I have here? It's a cousin of writing on a P. Yeah, dude. You gotta know your bladder. You gotta be like, alright, how long do I have here?

It's a cousin of writing on a sign. Now you're like, am I running out of space? Yeah. Do you put a heart on the top of the eye when you do it? Little emoji P's? Alright, malintent, and then a smiley face afterwards.

I've been working on my thumbs ups, and they really are hard to get the knuckles right. If I was on TikTok harder or at all, it'd be fun to start a little TikTok trend. Emoji peas in the snow. When do you kids do that? Get out there and do it. I'll do it.

I need a break. Shane's hook. The problem with it, like you got to... Call it dick talk now. No, sorry. You gotta remember when you peed because, like,

I'd be eating snow, too. For sure. You gotta keep a clean house. Snow is the sushi of South Dakota. I grew up around it when I've been eating

in my whole life and so I don't really... I don't clamor to eat snow like a grown man, like you would say when you're around snow a little bit. just i grew up going to the beautiful male hood mount bachelor the pacific northwest has plenty of places where you can eat snow my friend all right yeah so to sioux falls the street any one of the streets uh you just pick up some snow

and eat it might have some salt in there a little freshly crushed by a ford f-350 somehow the snow's racist yeah red light red light packed tighter than a constipated snow cone sean you feel you you feel sincerely troubled by the fact that your wife is doing yard work right now there is a there is a a paw hanging over you i feel like a dark cloud. See it in the winter when she shovels the driveway. I like shoveling. I just hate doing yard work. I mean, I would be doing it. It's probably because I know I'm going to go do it right after this.

I can't. Sorry, honey. It was a real long episode today. You didn't hear. We were really breaking some new ground in there. We did seven. And then I'm just going to go go pick one i'll come inside and be like is this a weed max is hungry tell her we drafted museums or something you know she'll believe you had trouble coming up with a list yeah i just the museum from the score that

might be the way to get out of this shot is to be like, is this a weed? And then have it just be a rose. Give it to her. Like you can cute boy your way out of it a little bit. Nails that hold the house together. Is this a weed? You're my emotional support.

The snow. Time for my first and my second picks. So this is a serpentine draft and I'm gonna take side of the freeway yeah dude yeah great yeah these tough because he's like these last two are mainly just for dudes I you can do both if you're a woman but it's I think it's much harder to do a side of the freeway piss

yeah if they can write in the snow with a woman I'll marry her if you got a piss you got a piss yeah yeah and a woman you know what I mean like my values that i put into a places of piss that aren't a toilet is how bad do i have to piss when i'm pissing there how so like therefore how satisfying is it when i actually do yes uh how fun is it how much mischief is there to the pig yes and and for me this one had there's a high mischief quotient and there's

a high i needed to piss and there's a high, I needed to piss here. Well, no one's ever getting mad at you though. It's the fun part about the mischievous part because you get to do it and no one's ever going to be like, hey,

because you have to do it. Sometimes, sometimes you get the semi-truck honk honk and then you're like, that is a triumphant piss. Yeah. Yeah. Well,

and the relief is also like a thing, not how bad, but like, how good will I feel? Oh, yeah. When I'm, yeah. Back in the car, you're not hissed anymore. But if it's the side of the road, you know it was a real one.

People are like, a thousand people are driving by and none of them get to judge you. There is a beautiful ceremony to it. And it starts with, the first thing is it's your decision to do it. A thousand percent. Then you start to, and you're like, great, we're doing're doing this you start to slow down you start to hear wheels on gravel on the side of the road and then that slowing of the wheels on gravel you know like come into a stop right and then you get to walk out kind of take a look around you're like okay where can i stand so nobody's gonna see my dick what's the best place for me to do this? Nowhere, bro.

Nowhere, dude. Yeah, you don't want me getting that Leviathan out. Also, Instagram, living my dick while I pee. No, but you, like, and then just, like, it starts happening. You walk, you know. It also depends on the freeway. Sometimes you've got to open the passenger car door to act as a buffer. I love that move. I think that's a great that that's a move that really that's like when you walk into

a stall and the the doors and everything are all the way down to the floor yeah i really i really feel comfortable in that glendale gallery oh man best public bathroom in the city of los angeles interesting or not the gallery the the Americana. Village Underground in New York, the Sellers Village Underground has individual stalls. Love that. Love that. The Starbucks between Seattle and Portland

near that town that has the... You actually referenced this before. I know what you're talking about. If you're driving from Portland to Seattle, that's the place to do your business because they have single occupancy bathrooms. It's fantastic. What is it about the bathroom there that makes it so

alluring? It's clean. Every time I've been in there, it's been clean, it's well-appointed, and it's single occupancy. Single occupancy is so big. It's massive. Just a true privilege and pleasure to be there yeah keep up the good work people unsung heroes i'm gonna adopt a highway in your name i also like if it's dark

you know you wander off to just like the underbrush sometimes and you'll pee over there also you're it depends you know it can be a beautiful view sometimes sometimes it's sun sometimes the sun is setting and the sky is clear and it's, you know, it's great. And look at you peeing out there in the world. Again, I'm imagining Shane facing the highway. Shane is standing in one of the lanes. I'll do it. HOV lane.

That's my next fight piss. White denim shorts. I think you're on top of the car. I think you're on the roof. I don't even unzip. I just go over the fence with everything. Belt buckle included. Over the fence? Is that what he said?

You just hang your hog over the fence. You go through the gate or over the fence. Now, if we're talking spite piss, I'm going to go ahead and make my second pick here. I'm going to make my second pick. I'm going to take on the side of a business that wouldn't let you use their bathroom. Oh, God, man. That is.

I knew this was going to get competitive. Your big daddy. Big daddy in them. That's great. This piss is going somewhere. This piss is going somewhere. And you got to look at me right now and think, you know what I mean? It's a little bit of a, it's a standoff.

Yeah. Take a look at my eyes and examine, is this guy going to walk outside and pee on my business? And I am. And how important is your time? Do you really want to call the cops while you're at work? Do you really want to do that? Why are you being this petty?

Yeah. Like, why are you being this petty? It's so stupid. i didn't like i tried it i was in rome and i asked to use somebody's bathroom and they were like you have to buy something and i get that because i was an american tourist and like i'm sure they're so annoyed by that but like if i'm if i'm just in the city i'm like hey can i use your bathroom and you have to be a customer fuck fuck you get out of here one the, you talk about like feeling relief on a piss. One of the, one of the, like, that's just ingrained in my mind was in New York.

I sprinted up out of the subway because I had to go pee so bad. And there was a Pret-a-Manger that was right there, right when I got out. And I went inside and I said, I'm so sorry. Well, where's your bathroom? And they said, I'm sorry. It's for customers only. And I said, I have to go. I have to pee so bad.

I will buy something. Can I just please go use the restroom? She said, no, people say that you have to buy something first. And so I grabbed water and I put my card down on the thing and I went and peed. And then I was just like, I don't care about my finances at all. Take my money, cut my card up. I'll die before I got a pee.

I will franchise this place. I will buy a Pret-a-Manger if I can pee. Is that what it's called? Pret-a-Manger. Oh, dear. I said Pret-a-Manger. My country ass. I knew we were from a similar place

when you said it wrong. Jesus Christ. That wasn't a subtle correct. I forgot. Never heard of any of this. So I... Pret-a-manger kind of rules, dude. What is it? I don't like it. It's a corner store? You don't like it? It's like a...

They do little sandwiches. It's like a... It's a more sandwich-forward Starbucks. Yeah. Yeah, and like everything is kind of pre-made, but it's like a they do little sandwiches it's like it's a more sandwich forward starbucks yeah yeah and like um everything is kind of pre-made but it's fresh like it i just don't it's like all um it's like an elephant delicatessen or something where everything is you kind of just grab and sounds like i would love i have i have to be honest if i just walked in there fresh off the street having no prior experiences with them i would think it was a wonderful establishment considering my run-in with them i would piss on the grave of mr pret-a-manger or whatever the hell he is because like i'm not gonna i'm not gonna go in there and like shit on the floor let me go pee like come on come on i gotta go i gotta i sprinted in here do i look

like a guy that's wanting to do that i don't want to run ever have some emotional intelligence some of us aren't gonna do that and some of us do look like a guy that would do that that's great i like i'm just saying i get when i walk in sometimes but I'm not that guy but like I got a lot of long hair and a scraggly beard you know yeah I'm imagining you walk in and using the restroom desk use the restroom but just saying I know I know but just hear me out don't judge this book by its cover I just got out of boxing class. Also with me, they're never going to be like, yeah, it's just a number one.

No, I know. That's what I was thinking. I got a shit face. Yeah, yeah. We all got I got a shit face. I don't have I got a shit face. You 100% do. No way.

You're the front of this canoe. Absolutely not. Nobody thinks I got a shit anymore. No, you drop a few pounds, forget who you were. I drop a few pounds, now I don't have to drop a few pounds. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The front of this canoe and the dark side of the yard are two, honestly, just all-time couplets. That's what Shane calls his fists.

The front of the canoe and The front side of the canoe and the dark side of the art. Which do you want? You can handle it. It sounds like prison slang. Through the gator over the fence. That's what I'm getting out of this. There we go. Yes, that's great too.

Sean, time for your pick. Here's where the bathroom's gonna come into play The shower Can I pick that? Well, there are showers that are not in bathrooms So I'm 100% I tend to not piss in those ones Those aren't the ones I'm talking about

I'm talking about the one in my bathroom Yeah, yeah, I don't face the beach When I piss in the ocean Now, I don't have to beach when I piss in the ocean. I don't have to pick this, but to me it was obviously... You can pick the shower. I think it's a high quality pick. Very good.

It happens. I do not do it in shared spaces. I won't pee in someone else's shower or if I'm in a hotel room with other people, I won't do it. But if Laura's gotten in from a long day out in the yard, just like removing stumps and pulling weeds and she's like ready for a shower. I don't even take a shower when I go in there.

Yeah. She might find that shower full of your piss. Yeah. And full of me wearing clothes, you know, where I'm like, yeah, this is just, I was just making sure. We have. I'm sorry. A shower full of your piss. Oh, God.

Yeah, it's all code red. It was like a volume vision. Yeah, I shut the door. It's like one of those opaque showers and then it looks like a dirty dump tank that hasn't been cleaned in a while. The amount of Mountain Dew Sean's drinking,

you know what that piss looks like. Dude, someone messed around and gave me a case of Mountain Dew and I'm drinking him. I just started chipping away and you get halfway through a case and you're like, well, I'm going to drink the case. Laura might like a nice

cold Mountain Dew out in the yard right now. I doubt it. Me too. She. I doubt it. Me too. She went once a month. She gets really bummed out when I help. Hates flowers, you know. She's out there planting a Flamin' Hot Cheetos bush for you.

That's not like she's burying Flamin' Hot Cheetos in the yard. You water it with the rest of the case of Mountain Dew. That's how it grows. And then a 7-Eleven of Mountain Dew. That's how it grows. And then a 7-Eleven franchise pops up. The shower. I just, it's like, you know, it just, it pops. That was the first thing where I'm like, you just, you go through the period in life where you say you don't do it. Then you get old enough.

You're like, yeah, I do it. Yeah, I pee in the shower. Y'all ever hear that rumor that it's like good for an athlete's foot to pee on your foot? I did not hear that. I heard that rumor. I've heard that. The jellyfish thing, that's real, right? your foot? I did not hear that. I heard that rumor. I've heard that. The jellyfish thing, that's real, right? That's very real.

That's real. I've seen people do that. And it helps. Yeah. What, if you put a jellyfish in your pocket and go to Las Vegas, you're going to win on a slot machine? Is that what you're talking about? That's right.

Yeah, that's what I was saying. Yeah. Well, you know, Sean, you know, if you get stung by a jellyfish. Yeah, you're supposed to pee on it. If you could not repeat me again for the rest of the pod, that'd be great, man, you know, Sean, you know, if you get stung by a jellyfish. Yeah, you're supposed to pee on it. And Sean, if you could not repeat me again for the rest of the pod, that'd be great, man. You know? Yeah, I've heard the jellyfish thing. Yeah.

But yeah, the shower. The shower. Yeah. Tyler, time for your second pick. Sean, I like the idea of you being like, hey, babe, heads up. It's going to look like a melted highlighter in there just don't freak out cause you know pee is clean

pee is that was the rumor that I always remember about pee is like did you know that when you pee it's actually cleaner than right after you wash your hands yeah I've heard that too that was my favorite pee related rumor unless you've been drinking so much Mountain Dew that your pee looks like brown butter yeah

I haven't even looked at water in about a week so related rumor. Unless you've been drinking so much Mountain Dew that your pee looks like brown butter. Yeah. I haven't even looked at water in about a week. Your pee like brown butter. Yeah. It looks like something that would kill Spider-Man. Your pee looks like New York City last week when the Canadian wildfire smoke came through. That shit was wild. I mean, it happened in Portland three years ago.

That's where the sky was actually Terminator style. Yeah, it was nuts. Yeah. That's wild. Anyway. Yep. Shower. My number two pick, I will take off a back porch at night.

Yeah, dude. Oh, yes. take off a back porch at night yeah dude oh yes i feel this is to me i really thought about making it my number one overall but i just love a tinkle in the ocean but yeah you gotta get a quarterback yeah you know you i you know you gotta get somebody that's gonna lead the lead the team but this is this is obviously a burner who people are going to have a hard time staying with on the outside because i think we're going to stretch some defenses and i think we're going to catch a lot of people napping early on that's not a that's not a defense that's your scrotum that you're stretching you know what i love about this pick it's what it implies about the people you're with when it happens because Because it just says like, you're amongst good company.

Nobody cares because we're all going to do it too. When we have to go, we're going to do it. You are comfortable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that. I think it implies that you're all either already out there or we're in the room that's right off the porch and it's kind of a indoor outdoor situation. There's usually like drinks,

right? It's just very communal, very fun. And honestly, air on the testicles is really feels fantastic. So especially when you're like outside at night, you know? Yep.

And also the splash downdown if you get to hear it land that's an amazing oh yeah yeah fantastic because you don't want to you want to you don't want grass you want a rock or something you want to hear some first officer torres splashing down well you kind of want to explore i think well you know you like you want to find that rock and then you're like let me give it a little swivel here let me see what else i can find i love the giving myself little challenges when i have little elevation and i'm paying down You want to find that rock and then you're like, let me give it a little swivel here. Let me see what else I can find. I love giving myself little challenges when I have little elevation and I'm peeing down into an area that I can see. Let me see if I can hit this little piece of mulch.

Let me aim here. Let me see if I can go between the slats of the fence. Let me see if early on I can go up over the top depending on where we fall on my waistline, the fence. You know what I mean? That rock has some bark dust on it. Can I clear the bark dust? Absolutely. Yes. Start going like pressure washer challenges.

I think it's a lot of fun also to water the plants. I think if it's a big leaf and the lighting is right, it can honestly be pretty beautiful, I think. I think it'd be pretty scenic. You know it's cleaner than when you wash your hands. Yeah. So you might as well. What if plants have like spirits or whatever? We just don't know about it.

And they're like, they're just, every time they're just like, again, again, with this guy, like one of those people that's in a coma and they're just like, they're awake,

but the doctors don't know it. So they're in there and be like, God, this sucks. And like, I can hear you the whole time. I think if plants have spirits and souls, they are advanced

enough and exist on long enough timelines that they are completely at peace with being peed on. Okay. It's a good thing. What if they're sick little freaks, dude, and they love it? Yeah. You dirty little ficus. Filthy little ficus.

Bitch- ass oak tree Don't be done Don't be done Drink more water, you little Speaking of sick little freaks Shane Torres, time for your second and third picks Okay I'm gonna say this and I completely understand

If it's a no I wanna see If I's a no I want to see if I found a loophole here because it requires a toilet on a dookie streak peeing away a dookie streak you can't pick it but I did literally almost just bring it up

okay that isn't a toilet but you see the satisfaction it is another fun challenge almost just bring it up. That isn't a toilet. That isn't a toilet. You see the satisfaction. It is another fun challenge. Another fun, let's see what I got. I get why I can't take it, but I couldn't not try. I think if you do that in public, it should count towards community

service hours. Okay, so no dookie shake. I'm going to go. I'm glad you brought it up, though, because it is one of life's true pleasures and one of the most altruistic things you can do. I'm imagining you walking out of the bathroom, Ian, of these places and being like, so let me tell you what I just did for you. And you can tell me what you're going to do for me. Not only did I do that, but I also noticed that you have an onion ring tower on your menu.

Yeah, I cleaned the bathroom. You'll pick up the check. I can go ahead and put a dookie streak back as quick as I took it away. And then some of the manager goes, that's why he's our best customer. There's some training. There's some training. There's some training in there. And they're like, okay, so this is Ian. You'll see him on.

Yeah. Like, not everyone gets to do this, but Ian does get to do this. P and Ian, they call him. P and Ian, dude. So since I can't do that, I am going to stay right outside the bar. Like, just

wasted. And then just... Only ticket I ever got for P&E is for doing that. I gotta take a few steps back because I've got a real puddle going on. Yeah. Starts to get towards your feet and you're like, no, no no no yeah you got a shit yeah this is a primal p this is a prime this is your lizard brain yeah here because you just walked out of a building that had a

bathroom in it yeah it's the closest to like medieval times you get where you're just like whatever you just stumble out i find that those i find that those also often accompany the i'll even at least early until it gets until the puddle gets too great i got my arm on the wall a lot of the time oh yeah i got one a photo of me i was with canane right before the pandemic we were in tampa we ended up at some strip clubs and all this other type of shit uh wherever we were in tampa how did you find a strip club that's crazy a needle in a stack of needles i just followed all the hummers i just went to the i think it was tam but there's a photo of me just doing this it's my back and my arms are in the air and i'm taking a wild that's fantastic yeah yeah we two hands up, piss?

Yeah, we went and saw... You were fire hosing? Yeah, we went and saw Lucero, which is like one of my favorite bands. And I got all rip-roaring junk. But this is how pissed drunk I was. The next morning, I was wearing the shirt I bought and it already had stains on it.

And Kyle was like, did you eat in that last night? And I was like, no, I just put it on this morning. And then I remember there were just hot pockets all over my room. Bought a new Eaton shirt at the Lucero show. Well, if you like country music, they're a great band to check out. They're amazing.

Yeah, they're good. Yeah, they're great. Yeah. We were in yankton south dakota and we walked outside at back of the bar and did that and we got me and my buddy got tickets i was so it was like 400 we had to go to court and the dude was doing it he was giving us the tickets and there were 40 people probably doing it and he picked us and i was like bro it's probably your baby why are you doing this, man? You really got to do this.

It's two o'clock in the morning. It's a college town. It's a Saturday night. This has to happen all the time. Anyway, don't know if I ever paid it. You're probably going to prison. It's Daddy Yankton, bro. I wrote about this on The Ringer once, but I almost got arrested for public urination on the night that the Thunder got beat by the Warriors in the 2016 Western Conference Finals Game 6.

All bets should be off. It should have been. I was with my wife at Princeton for her reunions, and I was watching it at a townie bar. You scumbag. And I had gotten there to the bar like early her friends must think you fuck like a champ because i can't understand like if she went to princeton dude one of her one of her friends who her name is ruth and she is wonderful she showed up to watch she 80 years old she showed up she showed up to watch uh the watch the game the second half of the game, and she's a Warriors fan, and I was so pissed drunk.

And I'm not a confrontational person. I think I even said that earlier. But she was trying to say goodnight to me after the game, and apparently I wouldn't turn around. Good man. And then I was hammered and went down an alley, and Blythe shouted after me right as I was about to drop Trout. She just shouted, cops. And I got back to neutral before they came around the corner, and the cop came around with a flashlight. And I was just like, oh, I'll play smart.

And I shouted at Blythe. I said, no, Bly blight it's not back here and and that was that and that is like the i'm tom cruise hanging from a ceiling yeah and like yeah like and then one drop of sweat lands it was and i it was one of those things like the cop didn't buy it at all but but I also hadn't peed or anything. There was no he had. He also had nothing. You know what I mean? He's got nothing on you.

He had nothing. It's not illegal to scout for a place to be. No, no. I feel like that's what I'm doing most of the time. Any cop that's giving you a ticket for that. You were such a fucking asshole. Especially on like I'm not bothering anybody there. I'm going down this. Just let me go home, man.

I'm trying to not be your problem anymore. I'm trying to go be somebody else's problem. Yeah, right. I'm actually getting more sober if you let me do this. Yeah. I'm trying to go be 7-Eleven's problem and then my bed's problem. The way to make everything copacetic would be for you to disappear so I could just piss right now like I was about to. And then everything's cool.

They should have to bag up the evidence if they're going to get you in trouble. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they should. Yeah. Golly, man. Shane Torres, third pick. Third pick.

To be fair, I wrote this down, Tyler, before I knew you were from Oklahoma. It's okay. But that state, anywhere. Are you serious? What's your beef? I'm from Texas. Holy shit.

Shane, I'm so excited. Please read just the first page of the second chapter of my book. Oh, do you go... You had something coming already? I kill Bevo in the second paragraph, I think.

No, you can't kill Bevo. He's an idea. Not a... Now, Bevo, this is some stupid Texas thing. He's the Longhorn, baby. It's a mascot of a Sooner. Change after the Yellow River shootout. We're not winning any ideological battles with the Sooners nickname on that.

I've never been to... Oh, I drove through Oklahoma. I drove through it once and the whole time it smelled like shit yeah texas there's a place that never smells like shit drive through west that's right because it don't stink where i'm from motherfucker feedlot country in texas like just dump a porta potty into my fucking mouth driving through that area my god i've never seen anything more desolate than west texas in the middle of winter oh you're like the cultural mecca of oklahoma city hey everybody we got two arby's across from one another dude sometimes the one is out of the turnovers and And so if you go to the other one, they've got them always.

The turnovers. A little Arby's birthday treat for you. Yeah, man. Jamocha Shake started there. That's not true. The only thing they're turning over in Oklahoma is rights. Which is also my state, so I can't say shit about that. Can you spread a five for five across two Arby's?

I think you should be able to. I think if youby's? I think you should be able to. I think if you can produce a receipt, you should be able to. It's all going to the same spot, right? Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. You got to some, some, sometimes they don't have potato triangles. It's all going in the same big hat.

I think if it's, you got a 24 hour window. If you've, if you've done it in a 24 hour window. So you could, you could do that over a lunch and even a dinner, you know, I'll take that to the Supreme court. I would leave home and I'd get us i'd get coffee at starbucks and then i'd get on the bus and i'd go to a different starbucks and try to go in and get a refill because they're only 50 cents and they let it ride for like a month and then one day i go in and i was like i just need a refill and they were like you need to give us a receipt from here on out i was like

jesus dude you can't it's starbucks you you a month to get back on your feet. They did. I needed longer than that. Go sleep on your friend's couch. We'll give you refills for a month. Ian Shane, you know it's a long bus ride for me to get home. Let me pose this to you. Can I sleep on your couch yet again tonight? And for probably four months.

Always a pleasure. Always a pleasure, yeah. Yeah, dude. That was the best. Anyway. Ian McShane, dude. Tyler, time for your third pick. I mean... Oklahoma is off the board. I know. I'm going to save

Texas for my fourth pick because I think it'll still be on the board. No, you can't pick a toilet. Oh, you motherfucker. Oh, you sweet boy. What a good guy. Yeah. Well, there's a shit streak right above the toilet of Texas.

I'll tell you that. Well, Dookie Mark. Yeah, boys. But is there not so much character in those? Lives well-lived, hard-earned. Let's do the continental divide. Sure. Not just the view, but also a science experiment

and a way to see. Your pee just goes right back in. If it does, in fact, go down either side of the mountain, I think it's, I've done it. It's an absolute blast. Highly recommend to anybody else. Yeah, Continental Divide. Where's the Continental Divide? Colorado is where I was

interacting with it. Wow. Because it's like up in the Rockies, right? Yeah. I think I drove through it past it this weekend, actually. We left out of a little tiny town called Creed, Colorado, where my grandfather used to like, he used to work at a ranch there sometime in the summers. He would be like a guide that would take people back up into this kind of like, it was called, I think, Squaw Lake that was like up at the way, way, way top

of this one little part of the range, I guess. And yeah, we rode horses up there like when I was like 13 or something. And yeah, I peed on the Continental Divide. It was terrific. Wow. For everyone who's listening who doesn't know about that, that is the point in the country

where every river to the west flows into the, west to the Pacific. Every river to the east flows east into either the Atlantic or the Gulf of Mexico or into other rivers that do the same. The continental divide. Yes. So fucking funny. You got some well-traveled piss. Yeah, man. Your piss is then starting a journey that will take it to the ocean.

It's the farthest point your piss can travel. It's like liquid stars. It's every, yeah. You know, some people, some people, they try to hold their offspring down and I'm like, you know what? Y'all get out there. Y'all go see what the world has to offer. I want them to be able to really spread their wings and fly. Travel. You have both parts of that journey. You have in the ocean and in the continental divide, it's all getting to the same place eventually anyway. Thank you for, thank you for pointing that out i wasn't smart enough to make that connection and i appreciate that it's poetic it's a poetic uh it's a poetic twist speaking of poetic twist we go now to a man who thinks the music of twisted is poetic sean jordan saying it wrong it's twisted yeah the visionaries pull your head out of your ass

they started doing the z thing before anybody else. They're like, you know, these Zs. S is kind of like Zs. Next thing you're going to tell me, you don't know who Mushroomhead is. I know who Mushroomhead is. And nobody's copyrighted the Zs yet, so we could do that. Since we're going down that road, I was going to save this for later, but into the Grand Canyon.

I did that one time. You did? I did. It was dope. I mean, so when I went to the Grand Canyon. I did that one time. You did? I did. It was dope. I mean, so when I went to the Grand Canyon, I wasn't quite at the age where I should have, where I still was like, yeah, whatever. This is cool. Now it would like, you know, I'd be thinking about greater things and all that. But yeah, I just was like, we should piss into it and probably get out of here. And so we all, me, big torque daddy, Adam, I think Nick, we all took a squeegee right into the Grand Canyon.

It was dank. How far down did it get? Or was it a gradual? Did it only fall like a few feet? Or were you able to piss in such a way that this shit went on? It made the goofy noise. It was like, oh! We were a little more adventurous.

I went definitely to a part of it I wouldn't step up to now. So it went out a little ways. i wouldn't step up to now so it went out a little ways it didn't like hit the river or anything but like could you could you hear could you hear it landing i can't remember i don't know you can't remember if you could hear it landing huh i can't remember we kind of don't think you did it now i sure did my piss doesn't land, dude. It just flies away. It floats like I'm in a spaceship. It's so hard that it's like everything falls at the same rate.

It doesn't freeze when it comes out. It just starts turning. His piss comes out hot. It goes up to the sky and becomes a bunch of stars. There's like an actual picture of it at my mom. Like somewhere in my old room, there's a picture of that or took, I think of me actually doing it, which is funny. Do you remember, was it busy enough that you were nervous while you were doing it? Was there other people around?

Nobody around. Okay. No, no people were, it was crazy to me. Cause you like, we, I hope we paid to get in, but then you drive for like 15 20 minutes or something to before you're like at the grand canyon and then yeah for some reason there was nobody where we were yeah and we just all i think that was pretty much the goal was to go do it because we were on our way to mexico i think i mean i think you did the exact right thing there i think like the next time i'm in the grand if i'm ever at the grand canyon by myself now going forward i really am going to try to do the same thing why you got to be alone i don't know i don't understand that i don't know i don't want hands with someone else life is about shared experiences if i'm just with my wife i'll gladly do it she'll she'll take she'll take off sprinting in the other direction

but you know you got to turn around and be like hey blithe it is back here well you gotta do is tuck your penis between your legs, pee backwards, and face her while you're doing it. Then say, ta-da. Then you can piss on the western side of the continental divide and the water will still go east. Sean, I don't know if you've experienced this, but with now having kids, there are decisions that you make with them in mind that even boil down to like, oh, I don't want them to think you can just like pee in public whenever. So like I should go try to find a public restroom here. I shouldn't. A lot of stuff.

I'm not going to steal another potential pick, but I'm just saying, you know what I mean? Yes. A lot of stuff I do. I'm like, oh, yeah, I can't show her. You can't make her watch training Day in the middle of a Saturday afternoon. It'll need more if she discovers it on her own. She's a very good barometer for how

upset I do, in fact, get in the car. Even when I thought I wasn't upset. Now, if I do anything huffy, where I'm just like, what the fuck, dude? And then she'll just be in the back like, why? I'm just like, sorry. Sorry and then she'll just be in the back like why i'm just like sorry sorry sorry sorry uh into the grand canyon i once peed into i've never been to the grand canyon but i peed into hawaii's grand canyon uh wyomea canyon i know i had a grand canyon that's a wing spot in in pasadena right why i'm making a hawaii's grand canyon

it's in uh it's only pineapple and mango flavors. But I peed where there was nothing. I found a place where I could pee where it went. I don't know. Who knows where it went? It just went forever. It's like when they drop a rock off of something in a spy movie to see how far down the thing goes, and they just never hear it. They just never hear it. That's great. And they're like, well, I don't know why I dropped the just never hear it. Never hear it. That's great.

And they're like, well, I don't know why I dropped the rock. I'm going down there anyway. And then somebody looks at their watch and they're like 12 seconds. We got to go. Yes. All right. Okay, here we go. It's time for my third, my fourth picks.

I'm taking just far enough away from your tent. Yeah, dude. Just like five paces or something. Just far enough away from your tent. I think I need a little more than five paces. Really? Yeah.

Well, yeah. Piece of shit. Five paces to the right or left of the door. Yeah, but you're sleeping in the tent. Yeah, no, no. Not five paces. Are you nuts? Why are you calling them paces?

Listen, fuck both of you, all right? I originally wrote down 30 yards, and I thought, ooh, maybe that's cutting it close. There is no chance you're getting up. So, okay. 30 yards is about as far as somebody from oklahoma can throw a football see the tricks definitely it's been oklahoma that has not had the good

quarterbacks lately texas texas has for sure been loaded with good quarterbacks recently. This pick is a high reward pick. So being done, getting back into your tent is the best part about peeing. If you're doing this, you have to pee. Yeah. You have to pee. It's usually cold, but you also have to get... I think you need to get more than five paces.

You're sleeping in there. I don't think it needs to be 30 yards. 30 yards? 90 paces? You think your gate is three feet? Well, this is why I changed it to just far enough away. Yes. So, perfect phrasing.

You need to get... And that's a geographical... Things come into question. If there are geographical features, if there's a rise and then like a little ditch and then there's a log, I'll pee on the other side of that log. And if that's 10 yards away, that's okay. What if you're camping with Shane and then you just go over to Shane's tent?

You're like, Shane, it's raining out. It's a raining on your tent. I think the way that works is Shane gets to breakfast in the morning and he says, did it rain in the middle of the night last night? Yeah, dude. Then I go, something got on my tent when we're going back. Yeah, try to get in your tent. I will say this, too.

When you get back from the just far enough away pee, it leads to dialogue. Because someone sometimes might be like, all right, where'd you go? And you're like, oh, over past the log. Like, the log's out front? No, not the log's out front. The log's closer to the beach. Don't talk to me like I'm an asshole. You gotta piss downhill. You gotta piss far enough away.

There's a strategy to it, but you gotta get just far enough away. And baby, it is more than five paces. Especially if you drink in the way you drink when you're camping. Five paces? Oh, you know about a darts is how fucking i'm right outside the tent i've been drinking alkaline water all night my pee's gonna come out like crystal clear fine but like if i'm camping i've been drinking you know what i mean like it's been coors lights and shit yeah and i think the camping meat yeah and it's like you've also been drinking water all day because you've

been outside and you're like i know i'm gonna be drinking tonight and i was drinking all last night and i feel dehydrated now so i should be drinking a lot of this great it's just a day it's days full of p the day is full of p it's gonna smell if you're only five paces that's my that's my contention yeah well we have different contentions what's your next pick Sean the bed myself it'll be your joke book

again we can't draft toilets I'm going to take off a boat yeah man I've never done that that was going to be my last pick that's great it is a great feeling

you just want like usually maybe off the swim like ladder area on the back of it if it's got one of those if it doesn't you just stand up face God and piss or off Ivan's old porch my dad used to live on a floating home a houseboat

you could just pee off the back of it it was a great spot Ivan's old porch. My dad used to live on a floating home, a houseboat. Oh, my God, really? You could just pee off the back of it. It was great. It was a great spot. I mean, Ian, that's a combination of my second and your fourth pick. That's a superhero of a pee situation there. It's like Blade. All of their strengths, none of his weaknesses.

It's a daywalker leak, baby. But, yeah, pissing off a boat, you have to. It's the Wimben Yama of it. It can do everything. Only problem is that it's French. It's when you can't get in the water, you know, you're not in a place where you necessarily want to get in the water but it's just it's just great there's also no guilt to it you're just standing there totally you're letting it you're letting it fly it just feels great i feel if i'm peeing off the back of a boat i feel royal i feel there's something very relaxed it's all the more

relaxing for some reason that whole body of water becomes your toilet yeah that's it you know that's it you did so well in life look how big your toilet is it's all it's fucking lake superior it's the a g and c that's my toilet welcome to the Gulf of Mexico. AKA. Paris and Hector and Ian on their way back from Troy. Pissing in the Aegean. I recently pissed in the Mediterranean Sea.

You know what I mean? I'm peeing all over the place, dude. Yeah. It's kind of like Wall Lake for me when I go back home. I get it. About the same thing. What the hell is Wall Lake? It's a lake, dude. Where the Kind of like Wall Lake for me when I go back home. I get it. About the same thing. What the hell is Wall Lake? It's a lake, dude.

It's a dirty pond. That was my take on what the hell is walled rug. Whatever, dude. I missed it, but that was good. No, it wasn't. It was dumb. I've been dropping bond moths all over this episode. Wait till you listen back. They're in there.

Sean Jordan, come for your fourth pick, bro uh on the car handle of an enemy yeah dark have you done it i have i don't i'm not trying not to lie i'm not gonna say who's but i've done that a few times and i've also done it to a stranger's Hummer door handle once. Wow. For no reason. Is this the day you started to take up recycling and you're like, fuck this person? My buddy yelled at me when I did it. And he's one of the gnarliest dudes I know. And he yelled at me and he goes, we don't do that.

And I go, yeah, you're right. I'm sorry. I felt bad immediately. Also, that guy has a gun. For sure. It wasn't in the car. And he's begging to use it. Yeah, but he could have been walking out of that Giant Eagle or whatever.

Where do people shop when you live? We were outside. We were in the mall parking lot. It was shenanigans on a Thursday night. Yeah, so I did it and he got so mad at me and I go, you're right. Because it is a thing. It's so cowardly to mess with people's cars, especially when they're not around. It's just like, it's weak.

You're not about that life. You're not the remake of point break no and i don't gosh the ozaki eight bro don't even get me and shane started we watched that at the fortress one night anyway uh yeah it's i've put it on again just to have something on and it is real bad it's garbage especially when the first one is perfect anyway Anyway, yeah, it's been rare. I've done it a lot, and I have not done it in at least 15 years. But yeah, I've done it. It's pretty funny. Hitting on the car door of an anime.

Also, you're not going to get hurt. I don't hate it. I like it. It's going to cross my mind now. If I'm in a parking lot and I've had some sort of issue with, especially if it's a car like that, it is going to cross my mind now. I've done it to friends' door handles

more than I've done it to enemies. I will say that. Because it's hilarious when it's your friend. And I've told them about it like the next day too. Be like, you getting your car at all yesterday? And they say, yes, of course. And I was like, yeah, I pissed on the door handle.

Well, guess what, dude? It's a little treat for me. Yeah, we both partied last night. Did you take a shit last night? No? I put Saran Wrap over the toilet. That's a gnarly one. A little poop on the door handle.

That's if you really want to go nuts. Oh, yeah, yeah. That starts to get into actual crimes. Yeah, that is. Anyway, just, yeah, a little pee on the door handle. Pee on the door handle. And we're going to get to Tyler's next picks right after another very short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Policy Genius.

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and see how much you could save. That's PolicyGenius.com. And we're back. Welcome back to All Fantasy. Everything already in progress. Sean Jordan just drafted peeing on the door handle on the car of an enemy.

It is time for Tyler Parker's fourth pick. I'm going to go with what I feel is a classic and an old standby, and that's Behind a Tree. Oh, yeah. Not necessarily a last resort, but it's always going to be there for you if you need it, the tree. Even if it's a busy park, it does provide some coverage. And I think that it's a p that we're always going to have in our lives peeing behind a tree says to the world look i'm not some sicko okay yeah i'm not yeah yeah there's an amount of indignance attached to it that we can be like

oh you've never been where i am now i did that i'm doing the best i can given the circumstances okay you don't think I'd rather? I would rather be in a bathroom. I wasn't going to make it. You know I wasn't going to make it. If I had tried, I would have had to stop in the open space and just handled it there. Maybe you wouldn't have seen me peeing if you weren't up there in that ivory tower.

Fucking got to drag everybody across the finish line for this piss. Your nose is bleeding on me. Listen, I just came over to tell you that you forgot your phone on the picnic table. Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. Oh, my bad. Just hold it for a second. I got to just let me. I don't want to grab it.

I don't want to grab it yet. Did Jovan text? I have read this. I gotta just let me, I don't want to grab it. I don't want to grab it yet. Cause did Jovan text? I have read this. I have read receipts. I don't open the phone, but like, did I get a text from Jovan? I'm sending this natural life back to whence it came.

Give me, give me, give me about 35 seconds here. If the text just came in, then wait a few seconds. It let the screen go black and then open it up again. And then you'll be able to see more of it than you would. Oh,

it's on my shoes! It's a nice park, man. I've never been here. It's good. Could use an unlocked bathroom, but you know, COVID, what do you do? When I first bought my house, I would walk into the back. I am cool. I'm cool. I'm a homeowner. I'm a homeowner. I'm responsible. You know what I've noticed about Ian's house that I love? That Dana's never doing yard work at it. Like, I've never seen that.

You'll never see that. I also bag myself an Ivy Leaguer, and she looks down her nose at yard work. Yes. Well, I mean, my Ivy Leaguer, anytime I go onto our back porch at night to pee, she always says, really? The bathroom's closer. You're taking longer to get your, it's not even more convenient. You're just doing it because you like it.

And I say, that's exactly right. That is exactly. Also, it's better for the environment than you flushing. Exactly. These cactuses need me. Saying the bathroom's closer is like saying we have food in the fridge at home when you're trying to go out to a nice restaurant. You're going for an experience. Absolutely.

Part of it is the... That kills me. That's great. Well, we got stuff to eat at home, and I'm like, I'm aware of that. I didn't think when I said, let's go to Burger King, I didn't think that we were in a bone dry... Yeah, but we're talking about going to a restaurant. You're talking about going to Arby's when you have that same Arby's sauce in your fridge.

They sell it at the store. What I'm supposed to do? I'm supposed to not buy it? What I'm supposed to do? What you all want to do now? Jesus. What you all want to do now? Chick-fil-A's got their condiments there. Buffalo Wild Wings has their condiments

there. Fire in the Mountain got their condiments there. Those places are all got their condiments there Buffalo Wild Wings has their condiments there Fire in the Mountain got their condiments there Those places are all selling their condiments in the grocery stores now? Yes, they're all at Fred Meyer And I have all of them in the fridge Why wouldn't I? That's the least surprising If this was five years ago You'd have all of them in the fridge and one onion

It's so funny telling a doctor what I actually eat I bought a package of six Teriyaki pepperoni sticks yesterday. They were gone by early afternoon. I bought them in the morning at a farmer's market. They were gone almost immediately. Ooh, that farmer's market one, though. They are so good. That's a good fucking pepperoni stick.

Preserved meats can be very great. Like a high-quality one? Yeah, like a great jerky. I'm standing on a podium trying to watch my sodium these days so i don't do it quite as much but like i do fucking love them and on a podium trying to watch my sodium look at him get a load of him be somebody one of the smoothest implementations of a of a line to a song that I've heard. That was like when you don't realize you're in an ad read when someone is like, you know, and that's so true.

I love going and getting wings with the guys. And then they just go and you're just like, wait, why are we, why do I feel comfortable here when I'm getting sold something? And what better place to go get wings than Fire on the Mountain, Portland, Oregon. That's not even an ad read. That's just a shout out. A lot of great memories in that place.

Woo. That's an unbelievable name also for a restaurant. Grateful dead themed chicken wing restaurant. That is in Portland, Oregon. And there's one location in Denver and it's the best wing I've ever had in my life. It's true.

They do kill it. Yeah, I gotta go. You know, it's good because they're spicy stuff still tastes good, even though it's too hot. Like, the flavor's still good. So you keep eating. Fried pickles, too.

The frickles. The frickles. Eating frickles like I'm over here like Don Rickles? Eating frickles like Rickles, dude. Stepping off the porch for a trickle. Shane Torres, time for your fourth and then your final picks. Come at me. I'll take your head off with a sickle. Oh, I'll do it for a nickel, and I'll do it a trickle. Shane Torres, time for your fourth and then your final picks. Come at me, I'll take your head off with a sickle. Oh, I'll do it

for a nickel and I'll do it real quick. I like that whiskey dickle. You like it? Not really. Then I'll give your little butthole a tickle. Doesn't one of you have cell sickle or something? I don't know. Just play around back there. Give it a little whiffle.

Okay, it's line rhymes now. All right. Yeah. Oh, little B rhymes. Little B rhymes. Okay. The list is getting like, the fat's been trimmed off the brisket right now. This is where grave would have been a good pick.

Where are you peeing, bro? I'm going to say on the logo of a rival sports franchise. I like that. Yeah. Don't let me catch you wearing an Eagles jacket. Are they still wearing it? Is this on someone's back?

Yeah. Get on your knees. I'm going to pee on the back of that jacket. Where is this? So this is, this is kind of an esoteric pick. So where like, bring us to the real world. Where's this happening?

Sometimes like, like there'll be a sticker of a franchise on like a, on, you know, like that kind of, yeah, that kind of stuff. So the side of like the wall of a high school sometimes.

Yeah. Back in high school. Yeah. Okay. I see. I see. Yeah. Who do you identify? Where, who are the chief rivals of yours? So you're a high school sometimes. Yeah, that kind of stuff. Back in high school. Yeah, okay. I see, I see. Yeah. Who do you identify?

Who are the chief rivals of yours? So you're a Cowboys fan? Yes. Who are these rivals? Power rank these logos. For my parents' generation, it was Washington. Yeah. For my dad's generation.

But like, for me, it's the Eagles. I fucking hate them. All my Cowboys fans' friends, it's the Eagles hands down. I mean, they hated the Giants because of Eli Manning almost. But it's generational, too. The thing is, like, because, I mean, when they used to be called the other thing, that was like the team that everybody in Texas hated. And now they've been bad for so long, it doesn't matter.

But, like, the Eagles, yeah, for sure, because they're fans. I mean, Philadelphia is essentially Australia. It's a penal colony. It is fucking. I love it. It's a great city. But man, fucking urban white trash through the butthole. I love Philadelphia.

I'm not wrong. Fuck a show we've ever done man that's true citywide you got a hotel room for two hours for us that was insane yeah well we needed it bud I'll tell you that I was I woke up and my eyes just felt salty

dude I was cooked flight from Philly to Omaha on Frontier at 6am and then drove from Omaha to Sioux Falls it It was so lame. Shane Torres, it is time for your final pick. A lightning round. Oh, I am going to say this for a very specific reason. Say it, bro.

The sink. Okay, yeah. High quality pick there. Yeah, yeah. The sink is like, I did it. You know, like if somebody's taking up the john, I'm going in the sink yeah like that's one but i um did you guys see comedy punks it's the uh kids in the hall documentary no there's a part where they talk about when they filmed their pilot and they're

doing two episodes or two shoots and on the set the first one went really bad and on the second one scott and dave peed in a sink for luck uh And then I did that the night of my special. Oh, that's great. That's great. Yeah. So, yeah, peeing in a sink. Yeah. Clutch.

I remember Tony and I telling Heather, because we lived in an apartment. Those are the things Oklahomans don't use to wash their hands. Oh. They're disgusting people. For sure. That's my pick. And I in the sink uh tyler time for your final pick i'm gonna go with beside a campfire is that allowed is it because i know you said far enough away from the campsite these are different different. These are different. So mine is like a tent pee. This is a wake. This is a middle of the night tent pee. Yeah. Mine

is sort of like an extension of the off the back porch pee where you're in comfortable company and or by yourself and you just don't have to walk far away to pee and the flames are very nice. And so you get the warmth and relief

feeling without having to pee your pants. So you basically stand up and turn around. Pretty much, depending on, not stand up and turn around, but you don't have to walk too far off. It's really, there's not, the campfire's the only light, so you're not getting even really seen too much,

and if you turn your back and it's all dudes, who cares? There's a dramatic shadow of you pissing being cast from the campfire still. You're still within shadow range. I like to think there's something intimidating about it, too. I like to think that people are like, okay, I see. He's not going to stray too far. Okay. It makes you feel like you're hunting predator, like we need to stay together.

I can't wander too far off. It's a good way to deter wolves, too, I think. They won't really surround you if you pee at different points along the perimeter. Well, you speak in their language at that point. If you're an alpha, yes. Yeah, well, you're from Texas, so you wouldn't know about that. Did you think that's what I wasn't implying? Subtext writer.

I only deal with just the words. Whatever's underneath them, that stuff's too complicated for me. That's why I have a tattoo of Nolan Ryan on my back beating up Robin Ventura. When he was so old. My God, Nolan Ryan's dope. Watch that documentary, Facing Nolan. It's fun.

Throwing heat as a geriatric. Dude, crazy. I bet he could still get it going 80 no one no one ryan's one of those like clint eastwood level guys for like i feel like probably especially for older dudes like old white dudes who are like oh man you know who's a tough guy he's like one of those one of those nobody asked me He is of like a Clint Eastwood. He's not as old as those guys, but he is of like a Clint Eastwood era of like, this is what

a man looks like. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was like about Nolan Ryan. Men wear Wranglers. He will be that old. Yeah. Yeah. The Hank Hill of baseball, dude. He ain't dying. He'll be 160 years old, Nolan Ryan. Oh, God, yeah. He'll be 160 years old, Nolan Ryan.

He'll be throwing that fast, too. Sean Jordan, time for your final pick. Sneaky little Midwestern house party trick. Pretty rude, but a sump pump. I don't know what that is. It'll be in the laundry room of the basement of a house, and it's to drain if there's water in the basement or if the laundry room of the basement of a house and it's to drain. Like if the, if the water gets,

if there's water in the basement or if the laundry room floods or whatever, it's just a hole. It's a hole in the ground. And so I've, when you're at house parties back in the day and you just don't want to fuss with much and you're a little tossed, you're like, I'm just going to go in the sump pump and call it a game right back into the

room in the basement where the bar is or the foosball table or the dartboard or whatever. So yeah, it's, it's rude.'s uncouth uh but it's happened and it's sneaky little trick and it just goes away that'll get you there and it's not your house it gets you off the sidelines and back into the game fast i think it's i think it's a smart move in and out like a robbery man also it's called a sump pump i I'm not supposed to pee there? Are you sure about that? Are you sure I'm not supposed to pee in it? It's called a sump pump. All right.

Time for my final pick, the final pick of the draft. I'll do it. I'll be the one to do it. I'll fucking take it. I'll take the thing that we've all done. Let it ride. I'm going to take in the pool.

Yeah. Fantastic. All right. Yes. I wanted to bring this up. You were with me and it was the one Andy Wood pool party that I ever went to. He's a comic in LA for the listeners. A great, great dude. But he had a pool. He'd have these big parties and so we got there and the pool was blue.

And by the time we left, I did not notice it, but we were there for eight hours or whatever. You get out and the water looked like salty. Yeah, dude. I'm like, man, but we were there for eight hours or whatever. You get out and the water looked like salty. Yeah, dude. I'm like, man, these scumbags, myself included, have all been peeing in this all day long. You could tell. That was the only time I've ever been like, whoa.

It feels great. You got to swim around a little bit to kick your leg so it can't be traced back to you. It's not a lot of getting rid of the evidence, but it's just enough. You got to spread it. Because that water's losing its temperature fast. Once it's out of the pants, it's almost mixing with the ribs.

I've been cranking pina coladas all day. I'm in the Ace Hotel in Palm Springs. I ate a rib submerged in water while I was submerged in water for the most part. You think I'm going to get out and use a toilet? We're all pissing in that pool. We're standing there in Las Vegas with our whale part. Yeah, you think I'm going to get out and use a toilet? We're all pissing in that pool.

We're standing there in Las Vegas with our whale bones. I'm like, I ain't going nowhere, bro. Yeah, I'm living like a Kennedy on a bender right now. In Vegas, you don't have to get out of the water for eight hours. No, you don't. You can handle all your business from that pool. You have to get out of the water when you have to poop or want to lose money. No, you don't have to get out of the water when you have to poop or want to lose money no you don't have to get out of the water if you want to lose money that's situation where if you don't do it someone else will if you're not going to pee in the pool in las vegas the person that will take

your place in the pool is going to be peeing in the pool for you and then you're just going to get back into therapy yeah your vote doesn't count so go for it that's exactly right being in the pool love it isaac lee do you have a pick for places to pee that aren't a toilet yeah um i recently did this at uh one of my friend's house up in the hills in los angeles here and like off of a hill you know like yeah off of a mountain yeah greatest feeling in the world you're like looking at nature you You're looking at the sunset. It's amazing. A lot of nature, Pease. You're conscious of everything that man is capable of in those moments. All the good things. All the promise.

That P is Manifest Destiny, the Golden West. The Golden West. The Hollywood Hills, too. That's always a treat. Just being there when you get to go into a place. Looking over at Ron Howard's house. Home of the Entourage theme. Home of the entourage theme. Home of the entourage theme. Oh, yeah!

Yeah! Excellent pick, Isaac. To recap, Chantoris, you went first. You took Graves right outside of the bar, the great state of Oklahoma, the logo of a rival sports franchise.

You don't put great in front of that. The sink. Tyler Parker, author of A Little Blood and Dancing, available everywhere. Books are sold right now. May I recommend going to powells.com and ordering through there?

Yeah, do that. I'm going to pick it up at the Strand tomorrow. There you go. Thanks, buddy. You took In the Ocean off a back porch at night the continental divide behind a tree and beside a campfire

excellent picks Sean Jordan you took the snow the shower into the Grand Canyon on the door of an enemy and into a sump pump I went last I took side of the free and into a sump pump. I went last. I took side of the freeway on a business that just said

you couldn't use their bathroom just far enough away from your tent, more than five paces, off a boat and into the pool that you are currently standing in. Not into the pool, just the pool.

Right. Yeah. Into the pool is a wild one. That's a wild pick. That's a wild pick. that's a wild boy pick that's a wild boy pick that's like that's I think that they do that to a Mexican gangster in Breaking Bad

yes they do right next to him after they kill Gus's homie they yes that's right old guy he's in the pool next to him shit that's right we want to hear your picks hit us up at all fantasy pod on twitter all fantasy podcast at gmail dot com next to him. Shit, that's right. We want to hear your picks. Hit us up at AllFantasyPod on Twitter, AllFantasyPodcast at gmail.com.

Shout out to the A-F-E Patreon, the A-F-E Shaslacky, the A-F-E Subreddit. Shout out to Super Producer Isaac Lee on the ones and twos. I said forget about it, cuz. Shout out to Saint, Sue Carmel. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to Haji Beats. And more

important than all of that, tune in again next week to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Sha-clack-a-tee. that was a hate gun podcast