Andrew Schulz's Flagrant with Akaash Singh - Ricky Gervais Jokes Transphobic & Homophobic?!
Episode Date: May 27, 2022Ricky Gervais new special has ignited an old free speech debate... can transgender jokes be funny? INDULGE! #TrendingNow 0:25 - Akaash's Chairgate 6:32 - old gay priest 19:36 - Kelly Anne Conway 43...:30 - Ricky Gervais' jokes 1:12:00 - Schulz' upcoming vacation
Transcript
Discussion (0)
What about this person isn't a lady?
Well, his penis.
Her penis, you fucking bigot.
It's funny.
It's funny.
Objectively, from a joke writing standpoint, it's good.
Let's start it out.
Feelings, no facts.
Should Akash have his own chair?
Go.
You motherfuckers, bro.
Why are we getting so much hate?
Like, we're not thoughtful about things.
You don't think that we have multiple fucking setups?
You don't think that this ended up being the one that fits the space the best?
Assholes.
I think they want us to eat our snack stuff.
Say what?
We have three fucking couches.
I spent half of the money that I own on Crate and Barrel and CB2.
Say again?
What do I slap when something is funny?
Mark's thigh?
That's too hard.
That shit is.
It's flammable, though.
It's not soft like a chair cushion.
Okay, they're going to be furious when we have a guest and Alex is back at the booth with Miles.
And it's somehow going to be my fucking fault.
They've never seen the booth, either.
Those little fucking dicks, say again?
They've never seen the booth, either.
Oh, that's right. No, maybe they... No, seen the booth either. Those little fucking dicks, again. They've never seen the booth either. Yeah.
Oh, that's right.
No, maybe they, no, yeah, they did.
No?
No.
Okay, fair enough.
What if when we have a guest,
we can just put Al with the plants like a shirt?
That'd be fine.
We could just pop you back there.
Is that, is that good?
I feel like that's kind of where you belong.
Like, you'd be blending in perfectly.
Oh, did you hear?
That's where you belong.
Wait a minute.
Are you saying he should be in, like, the forest or something?
What are you trying to say?
He belongs.
Why a forest?
Wait, why would you, why should he belong with the plants? Why should he go there? Don't do that. Why would he go something? What are you trying to say? He belongs. Why a forest? Why should he belong?
Why should he go there?
Don't do that.
Why should he go there?
Why should he go there?
Why should he go there?
I'm going to go there.
The fingers!
Now I know!
The fingers!
That shit.
Yo, that shit.
Yo, I've never got a cow bite.
You never got a cow bite in his life.
He likes it.
That shit turned him on, dog.
Hey, hey, hey.
What are you doing?
That's not a normal person response.
That's dad shit, yo.
What?
The cow bite.
Really?
Way to rub it in.
Fucking God.
I know.
What's wrong with him?
Fucking God.
You don't want this on the couch?
Y'all don't want this on the couch?
You don't want to be able to see that?
Okay.
It's God, bro.
How's dressed like a couch?
Jeez, that's perfect, bro.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
We can take that off the couch.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, we're going to put that in the fucking booth.
You bomb, you go to the fucking booth.
Exactly.
That's what it's going to be.
These motherfuckers.
So angry, bro.
This is what fits the space.
There's another setup that we have that when we have two guests, Akash's seat is here.
In a chair.
In a whole chair.
A chair. Right? And Al
and
is Al. If it's two guests, I'm out.
You're out. You're in there.
Even one guest, you're in there.
I thought one guest
or whatever. What if we have five guests
then? Then what? We don't have five guests.
But what if?
We don't.
But it could happen.
Barstools lined up behind you.
Oh.
Yeah.
The Nick Cannon show.
The Nick Cannon show where they have the bleachers of people.
Anyway, so that's what it is.
How do you feel?
Are you scorned?
I'm scorned.
I'm incredibly scorned.
Yeah.
I'm resentful.
The last time my gosh was on a couch getting interviewed, it was not good.
I think that's why.
It's PTSD.
Is that what it is?
Why are you bringing up this trauma for me?
If you were in a chair, it wouldn't have happened, dude.
If you were in a chair, she would have been feeling you.
Now, I will say this.
Don't you, not appreciate, don't you think that this arrangement is better
because now you can at least see the guys?
Yeah, before I was just guessing what Mark was saying.
Yeah.
Like, you wouldn't know when they were going to talk.
No, never.
And now it's like...
Me and Al were talking mad shit.
You guys didn't know that.
No, you weren't talking shit,
but I imagine you have a line you're about to say
and then someone behind you just says something
and then you have no fucking clue.
Look at them talking all that fucking shit.
Yeah, we can't do that anymore, bro.
Before we could do it.
Yeah, but I actually got a little defensive.
I didn't comment to anything, but I was seeing the comments.
I was like, God damn, bro.
I agree.
Now I agree with them.
I think we need to bring back two paintings.
I think we need to put you guys on different size seats right next to it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think we need Dove's shitty shoes
that look like they're expensive
popping into the frame every once in a while.
How much are those?
Dove knows how to buy the least expensive,
look expensive shit.
He's great at that.
Dove's like the studio a little bit.
This guy's fucking mania.
We had to cut something from the main episode.
The first thing, I'm like, how do you cut something From the main episode The first thing
I'm like
How do you guys feel
About the studio
The first thing Mark says
He just starts trashing
The Brooklyn studio
And making up lies
What lies
You go
You go
Yeah
Well you know
Now it's different
Before nobody wanted
To come out to Brooklyn
Why is that a lie
You know how many people
I gotta ignore
You know how many text messages
I get on a regular basis
And I just gotta be like
Oh yeah about that
We'll definitely have you on Insert the video You know how many text messages I get on a regular basis And I just gotta be like Oh yeah about that We'll definitely have you on
Insert the media
You gotta be text messaging
I gotta say
I gotta say
Hey ask Andrew
I don't really handle the booking
Yes
Now you can be like
I don't even have a seat
It's hard out here
Recession
It's a recession
It's a recession
In this economy
You know what
Fuck it
Y'all crazy
Oh let's go
Y'all are fucking crazy
This is how we do
In the episode
This is a fun podcast.
Come on, come on, come on.
What?
Come on.
There's no space.
White boys fun.
Come on.
Let me just move over.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Welcome to the June 10th episode.
Hold on, hold on.
Okay.
This is just Oprah now.
Run the app.
Yo, is it fucked up? No, let him run this app. Yeah, yeah, Al. This is just Oprah now. Run the app. Yo, is it fucked up?
No, let him run this app.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is when Oprah interviewed Tom Cruise.
Can you let him run this?
He's got it.
Stop bailing him out.
Nice, bro.
Yeah, you like that?
Yeah, it's a little nice.
That'll say something funny.
Yeah, I don't got nothing to go with.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I didn't get paid a big buck.
Topics.
Come on, Al.
Let's go.
Topics.
Rapper dead.
I'm terrified against that. Get up to the end of. Come on, Hal. Let's go. Rapper dead. Take the fight against it.
Get up to the end
of the fucking couch, bro.
Can we all just...
No, Mark's running it.
No, come here, come here.
Everybody, can we just
do the episode here?
This is the fun game.
Do the episode here.
Come on.
Mark, just be here
so we can all be together.
Come on.
Okay.
No, you don't.
Can we just leave that alone?
Is that possible?
Which camera are we in? This one and this one. Okay, listen. No, you don't. Can we just leave that alone? Is that possible? Which camera are we in?
This one and this one.
Okay.
Listen.
So here's the thing.
Is everybody happier?
Is this a more comfortable situation?
I'm cozy.
I'm not going to lie.
This couch is fire, bro.
It's cozy.
I know.
That's the person he said.
He sat in here.
He was like, man, this couch is really nice.
This couch is kind of nice, bro.
This might be the new podcast setup.
Yeah.
Fuck it.
We bring on a guest.
They interview us.
Yo.
What do you want to know?
Talk to your boys. Talk to your boys, bro. guest. They interview us. Yo! What do you want to know? Talk to your boys!
Talk to your boys, bro.
Okay, so what do we got today?
Let's do some feelings, no facts.
Yes, feelings, no facts.
Okay, what about this priest
that's now doing porn,
dicking down?
Wait, really?
Yeah, bro.
Yo, yo, not just,
I don't think it's just porn
because he also came out as gay.
So I would assume
this is gay porn.
He's right.
He's right.
Derek?
Yeah, huh?
Yo, son.
How is Derek posting gadgets?
Y'all did it first.
I didn't hear.
Y'all did it first.
How is Derek posting gadgets?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
We hung out with him every weekend.
You didn't have any of that same energy when he was there.
Was this on podcast?
No, we were on pod.
No, I mean.
You got a pink hat.
Calling guys gay.
Before, when y'all were calling him bi, was that on podcast or on podcast?
Where was that?
That was Akash calling him bi.
I think y'all.
Look, Derek, I just have a question.
If you're not.
What if I just kiss Akash right now?
I'm like, Derek, it's okay.
But I'm gay.
I'm openly gay.
Derek, we miss you. We love you. And we need you back, gay. Derek, we miss you.
We love you.
And we need you back, Derek.
Derek, we need you back.
I'll see you June 3rd and 4th.
He's really going to stay here the whole episode, huh?
He's really going to stay here.
I refuse to have my boys slandered.
No, you just thought it was having so much more fun.
That's what it was.
This side is fire.
We made a fucking decision that fit the space well.
We knew there was going to have some scrutiny,
and people are doing a fucking hashtag.
Like we're abusing Akash.
Get Akash a seat.
It's like, buddy.
I'm a piece of shit.
You're a piece of shit.
You know what?
I assume the comments
would be slandering the audio.
If they're slandering Andrew,
I got to read them.
I got to see what's going on.
I'm not leaving.
I'm not leaving. Who asked you to leave? Hey, hey, hey. I'm not leaving leaving Who asked you to leave?
Hey, hey, hey
I'm not leaving
Who asked you to leave?
Nobody tried to kick him out
I'm not leaving
You left on your own volition
I'm not leaving
You can stay right here
I miss y'all
I feel far
You don't have what we got over here
It was like 90 degrees
Just on my thigh, bro
You run
You got a hot ass
I'm at least 98 degrees
Yo
Yo Son Come on, Al Guys, let's just be comfortable My thigh, bro. You run, you got a hot ass. I'm at least 98 degrees. Yeah, yo!
Yeah, son.
Yo, son.
Come on, Al. Guys, let's just be comfortable, bro.
Can't we just be comfortable?
Let's just be comfortable, bro.
All right, bro, duh.
Why'd you say 90 degrees like that's a lot, bro?
We're all 98.
Nah, we at 73, right, though?
Your body temperature's 73?
Yo, shut up.
What the fuck is this guy talking about?
Will you shut up?
Oh, Bill Nye. Hey, Bill Shut up. Oh, Bill Nye.
Hey, Bill Nye.
Hey, Bill Nye.
How hot is our body, Bill Nye?
I don't know.
I'll take my temperature.
Yo, Al, that was wild, dog.
That was wild, bro.
Are we going?
Are you embracing?
Are we going?
Are we going?
Are we going?
Are we going?
We're going.
It's crazy, son.
We didn't bring Al
to the fucking couch for him
to just chill and do nothing.
No.
He don't got his laptop
to watch fucking video games
and shit during the episode.
So now he actually
got to contribute.
He's a wild-ass boy.
Oh, my God.
I didn't know Al was a priest.
So tell us about this, Al.
What we got?
Al, yo, Al too pro-abortion
to be a priest, dog.
Come on, let's be honest.
So apparently this dude
He just bounced from the game
He's like, yeah, I'm slinging dick now
Serving up dick
He said he doesn't
Yo, Mark's Catholic eyes are so tight, bro
It always is, yeah
Always?
Always
It has to be
Or else I'm gay.
Nah, he made it so close to heaven.
He must have stopped believing, bro.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, he had to stop believing, right?
He's that close.
He's 97 years old.
He rides that belief out.
He goes to heaven.
Yep.
Oh, wow.
Right?
Like, you're right there.
Wow.
He's 83.
He's 83.
He can switch back. Damn. He's an old 83. He might be doing a room springer. Nah, but you right there. Wow. He's 83. He's 83. He can switch back.
Damn, he's an old 83.
He might be doing
the wrong springer.
Nah, but you can beg
for forgiveness.
Yo, that's a big
Catholic loophole.
You want to talk
about loopholes?
You do whatever you want to
and then right before
you just be like,
yo, you know what?
I feel bad.
You don't got that?
Nah.
What happens when you
and your friends
rape a lizard?
Oh, my God.
Damn.
You get some bad karma,
that's it.
You better be careful
dressing like that around him.
Yeah, for real.
I'm about to take that down.
He's about to take that down.
You can have it.
You can have it.
Don't talk to me dirty, Al.
Don't talk to me dirty, bro.
I see your chest poking out.
You know what I'm saying?
Al out here in the fucking gym, bro.
I'm butting one more.
Is that not a thing in Hindu?
That you can't just ask for forgiveness and get it?
Hinduism?
Not Hinduism.
That's like me saying, is that a thing in Catholic?
It is.
It is a thing in Catholic.
If you are fucked up and you do something bad.
No, you get bad karma, that's it.
Build up a karmic debt.
But you can beat that karmic debt by doing something good, right?
Yeah.
Like good karma outweighs bad karma.
Yeah.
Well, it's the same. What's your karmic debt by doing something good, right? Yeah. Like good karma outweighs bad karma. Yeah. Well, it's the same.
What's your karma credit score right now?
Yeah.
How do you know?
I don't know, man.
I thought it was pretty good until I was sitting next to y'all on a couch.
Now who the fuck knows?
You know what I mean?
Yeah, it was your fault.
Yeah.
Maybe it's karma.
That's a good point.
This is karma.
Hindus get gaslit so much, bro.
He's the guy with the big trunk.
You can dance, bro.
I can dance, bro.
You fucking asshole.
Hey, you fucking asshole, Alex.
Hindus get gaslit.
If anything bad happens to you, it's karma.
Oh, yeah?
So if any bad shit happens over here,
if any bad shit happens, that's on you. It is. So if any bad shit happens over here, if any bad shit happens,
that's on you.
It is.
So if any shit happens,
it's like, yeah, I fucked up.
Yeah, I hear you.
I'm going to punch you in the leg.
Do you want a knuckle sandwich?
You want a knuckle sandwich, dude?
I don't know what's going on.
I'm going to punch you in the leg.
It's like, don't be violent to me.
No, I'm trying to be serious
and make an interesting point
about religion and culture,
and Andrew doesn't want to hear it.
Man.
He's just trying to be a scoundrel.
I swear to God, bro.
He's trying to be a scoundrel right now.
I swear to God.
He looks like he's about to go bowling right now.
Somebody just bowled a perfect game.
Dude, he just robbed the picnic table.
What is his whole fix?
This is crazy.
What happened?
He just bowled a perfect game.
Don't ever disrespect me acting like you didn't
just get a turkey.
Okay, but for real,
can we have a conversation?
Yes.
All right.
We're trying to be serious.
You just upset...
Oh, my bad.
I'm fucking up the mic already.
Instead of having an aneurysm.
Did I spit on myself? You've had spit on your chin for 20 minutes. Bro. You just upset... Oh, my bad. I'm fucking up the mic already. Instead of having an aneurysm out there. Spit on yourself, too.
Did I spit on myself?
You've had spit on your chin for 20 minutes.
Bro.
This guy's crazy.
Yo, you know what's crazy?
Tell me something.
To lubricate a vagina wall.
I don't ever spit on my hand.
I thought you were going to end it there.
I take saliva sometimes to get my fingers wet. I don't ever just go my hand. I thought you were going to end it there. I take saliva sometimes to get my fingers wet.
I don't ever just go, because that seems rude.
Yeah, I don't want to disrespect myself.
Right, though?
That's not the one I'm trying to disrespect.
Oh, it's disrespectful to me.
Yeah, why would I do such a thing to myself?
Yeah, I didn't think about that.
I just thought the act of like spitting is so like.
Really?
Vulgar.
You little vanilla bitch.
I know.
I treat that pussy like a 90s handshake, bro.
Yeah, it's like, put it there.
A 90s handshake?
Yeah, bro.
How fucking old do you think the 90s is, bro?
That's our best friend's handshake in the 90s.
You just dissed us just now.
That's a 90s handshake.
This guy's a real asshole.
Yeah.
He's a young asshole.
Like, we was walking around in the 90s.
I was 18. I'm walking around at 18 years old, spitting on was walking around in the 90s. I was 18.
I'm walking around
at 18 years old
spitting on my hands
shaking hands
with people making data.
We had cell phones.
Yes, if you watch
a 90s movie,
that's how they all
handshake.
It's not standing by me,
motherfucker.
This is Rookie of the Year.
90s movies about the 40s.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Fucking idiot.
So how old are you guys?
Rookie of the Year?
Anybody's fucking shaking.
Did you only watch
Disney movies, by the way?
I was a kid in the 90s.
Yes. I was not watching. I was watching.? I was a kid in the 90s, yes.
I was not watching Eyes Wide Open.
You weren't a kid until 97, bro.
What are you talking about?
Yeah, I know.
That's my point.
I wasn't watching fucking all your old movies and shit in the 90s.
They be hating, bro.
They hate us, but they want to be us, bro.
That's what it is.
You're wearing 90s sneakers.
You're wearing an old retro jersey.
You're wearing the best war ever pants.
Which one? That's Viet, right? This is? Oh, maybe. You're wearing the best war ever pants. Which one?
That's Viet, right?
This is?
Oh, maybe.
I don't know.
Which camel pants gone in and out of style three different times.
That's true.
To save fit.
No, we switch up.
Yo, what are you trying to be camouflaged from with your shirt?
Women?
What?
That was good, though.
When I just met you at the set.
Real talk, bro.
Do you cut my hair?
Yeah, it's doing that one.
It's doing that one, bro.
I just don't get it.
Sorry, Alex.
Is that a test to your point?
I know, I just hit my own father by accident, bro.
But he looks like my gay Cuban one before Alex.
I had a gay Cuban one.
Oh, that's a reference we'll all get.
Yes, yes.
He explained it in many words.
I'm going to the dugout, bro.
I'm going to the dugout.
I'm going to the dugout.
I want to see him on a comedy show.
Slide it down.
I want to see him on a comedy show.
Slide it down.
I'm going to the fucking dugout.
I got to start it over.
All right, let's go
Bro
Shows that a Comedy Central
Rose would be legendary
This guy looks like my uncle
You guys know my uncle
Right?
This is my conscience
Oh my god
Okay
Guys
What are we talking about?
Damn Al
Come on son
I be running hot bro It's soaking wet I run hot You sweat? Okay, guys, what are we talking about? Damn, Al. Come on, son.
I be running hot, bro.
It's soaking wet.
I run hot. You sweat?
I be telling you.
He's been complaining about the temperature since he got here.
Yes.
Literally since he sat down.
He's like dove about everything else.
I'm running hot, bro.
Just constant complaining.
Yo.
But only about temperature.
Yeah, this is crazy, dude.
See?
Okay.
Should I buy a backup couch?
Huh? Should I buy a backup couch? Huh?
Should I buy another couch?
Oh, we have three more in the other room.
Yeah, what are you doing with those?
What are you doing with those?
What are you doing with those?
Stop it.
Al already robbed the other one, bro.
He's taking sound panels.
I know.
I got a message from Wheezy.
Thank you so much for the sound panels.
I was like, uh.
You're welcome.
I got it.
Maybe I can take it.
I was wondering why Al was helpful moving
I was like what's happening right now
What is this other truck for
That's weird
Y'all just packing shit up
We did
Dove did
Dove signed off on it
Dove is very giving when it's not his money
He almost let me take the water cooler
Until I said it
I didn't know if it was
a subscription-based cooler.
Stop just giving away
your money, bro.
That's why you called me
about the fridge.
Yeah.
But the funny,
the way that you said it
was hilarious.
He was like,
Al calls me,
he goes,
this guy is so fucking fake,
dude.
It's crazy.
It's so fucking fake, dude.
No, I asked you
the way you asked.
It drives him the craziest
to be fake.
You just got to ask him.
He goes, are we taking a fridge?
Like that.
What does that mean?
Are we taking a fridge?
I mean, are you?
Because you make the decisions.
I'm saying...
No, no, no.
It's the motherfucking thing.
It's not your fault.
Thank you.
It's not your fault.
That's perfectly reasonable. He's saying, are we It's not your fault. That's perfectly reasonable.
He's saying, are we taking it?
Shut the fuck up.
Yeah, thank you.
Shut the fuck up.
Thank you.
It's so easy.
Shut the fuck up at the end, yo.
You don't even know how to fuck about the end.
Am I the crust?
You call me the crust?
You the ass piece of the bread.
God damn, bro.
I hate y'all motherfuckers.
How many phones you got, Al?
How many phones?
Yo, Al, no, that's not mine.
I got my phone right here.
Why do you got two phones?
That phone.
Just snitches on himself.
That's his phone.
It is your phone?
No, it's not.
Now he's sweating, though.
Everything good?
He's sweating, too.
Look at you.
He's like, get out of here.
Yo, yo, yo.
I quit.
Not with that white boy shit.
Yo, come in, get your dick stuck.
Yo, come in right now, get your dick stuck.
Stop playing, bro.
You need to stop playing.
Come in, son.
Come in.
I wish Al had a dick on his arm, bro.
Come on, son.
Come on.
Yo, Al wants a dick.
That's some girl shit.
No, I can control tickle. Tickle issue. I can control it. You can control it? You can't control your arm. All right, let's your dick. That's some girl shit. No, I can control tiglish.
I can control it.
You can control it?
You can't control your...
All right, let's find out.
Let's find out.
Let's find out.
Go control tiglish.
Go.
All right, ready?
Go.
Get in there.
Get in there.
Dig in there, buddy.
Yo, this is...
Oh, this shit got a lot here.
It's like you turned the autism on.
Oh, this shit got a lot here.
It's like you turned the autism on.
Emotions?
I've never felt them.
I can turn those on.
Never felt emotions.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Yeah, I can turn it on.
Little son of a bitch.
Okay, Akash, what are we talking about?
What would you like to talk about? You guys heard about Kellyanne Conway?
It's the seat!
It's the seat!
Yo, I'm telling you.
Yo, something about these two ends.
Listen, with big seats come big responsibilities.
Okay, don't be fucking that shit up.
It's fire over here at the end, bro.
I'm going to call my wife.
I ain't got no responsibility on this goddamn show anyway.
Hey, WTF Media Studio, yeah, you can book that shit.
Yeah.
Yo, can I take the chair one time for a whole time?
Yo, hit that ass. Giddy up, yo. Hit that ass. Giddy up. Okay, what've had to share it one time for a whole time. Yo.
Giddy up, yo.
Hit that ass.
Giddy up.
Okay, what are we talking about?
Kellyanne Conway.
Okay, what she do? I hit it that time.
What she do?
Yo, this bitch wrote a book
trying to shit on her whole family
to look good.
Have you guys heard about this?
Why is this so funny?
Because it is good.
She did a good job.
He tried to be serious so bad.
Because he did do a good job.
No, he did a great job bringing up the topic,
but it was something so phony about the way...
I'm paying it because I was like,
they didn't read this shit.
I'm the only one that read this shit.
I thought she retired,
Kellyanne Conway,
doesn't her daughter?
Her daughter openly hates her.
And was like exposing her parents.
What does a pipe got to do with it?
Yo, that scene is mad far, bro.
We need to bring that shit a little closer.
We got to relight the whole studio.
Yo, we might got to bring that shit a little closer.
Yo, she would play the TikToks
when her mom's just fucking going nuts.
God, see, if I'm not controlling it,
I can't do it.
You're not a goose, bro.
Let's go.
How old is Kellyanne Conway's daughter?
In 2021, she was 16.
In 2021, she was 16.
So now she's 17.
Come on, son.
Why are you talking about these little girls, bro?
Back it up.
Back it up.
I didn't say anything sexual.
Yo.
No, no. You got to go to the dugout.
Go there, Mark.
Go there, Mark.
You got to hit the dugout for that one, boy.
I'm telling you.
Sit back down.
Go.
There you go.
That's good.
Yeah, but your shoes are dirtier.
And you got to tilt your head up because it's reflecting so much.
Oh, my God.
Yo, Miles. Miles, stop ganging up Miles stop ganging up
Miles still homeless cause of you
Fuck you
He really a piece of shit
Wait me?
Why?
What did you do to be a piece of shit?
When Al points it's different
You're a piece of shit? No, when Al points, it's different. Al points at that motherfucker. No, no, no, no.
Point, dog.
Give him a hard-ass point.
You're a piece of shit.
You see that?
You see that, bro?
I would cross the street.
I might cross it.
Perhaps, though.
Perhaps.
You never know.
Do you know what I mean?
Is this Patreon?
Can I tell a story?
If it's related to this, yes.
Okay, last night I'm talking to Charlamagne, right?
And I'm talking to Charlamagne, and I'm just on, and I have my dog.
And we're chilling outside of this building across the street from my building, right?
And I'm just leaning up on a building, right?
And I got the AirPods in, and my dog's right here.
And this guy comes out to take his trash out
in front of Billy
and he says something.
My dog is barking at him
so I just grab my dog's mouth
and I go,
yeah, sorry,
but I'm not really hearing
what he said.
Then he says something
and I think he called me a bitch.
This old ass man.
I'm pretty sure he called me,
I was like,
excuse me?
He goes,
oh, do you have the time?
I go, oh yeah,
it's 1130.
I put my AirPods back in.
I start walking away, and I hear, bitch.
He goes, bitch?
And I go, I'm sorry, did you say something?
Because I got the AirPods in.
I'm talking to Charlotte, right?
I go, I'm sorry, did you say something?
And he goes, no, no, I was just asking the time.
Yo, this guy is hilarious, man.
I go, I was just asking the time.
He goes, I just told you the time. That's when I know he said, bitch, I was just asking the time. Yo, this guy is hilarious. I go, I was just asking the time. He goes, I go, I just told you the time.
That's when I know he said bitch, right?
I walk away.
I hear him go, bitch, bitch.
Because I say, don't say anything to Charlotte.
I hear, bitch, bitch.
I'm walking halfway down the block.
And I think I lose my mind.
And I don't know if my ego, I feel a little vulnerable because Charlotte's on the phone.
Some guy's calling me a bitch and I'm not doing nothing.
I also have a golden fucking doodle.
You know what I mean? Like my masculinity's in check.
He's not.
It's an old man in front of his building.
I'm like a quarter of the way down the block.
I turn around and I get outrun straight for him.
Like this, hoofing right at his thing,
knowing that he's going to get scared.
Where's your dog?
With me running.
We're both running for this
motherfucker and the guy immediately looks
at me, goes inside and closes the door to his
thing. And I'm just start cursing. Who's the bitch?
I live right across from this guy. I'm going to see him
every single day of my life. What?
No, no, no. Wait for it. Wait for it.
We got to get these guys out the
neighborhood.
What the fuck, bro?
What the fuck is that?
Yeah, you can't take them nowhere, dude.
They're violent.
They're prone to violent genetics.
This is why they say New Yorkers are rude, bro.
Like, this shit.
Joe, you might be right.
No, but Al, you don't understand.
I'm not done yet.
I go walk the dog thinking I'm like, yeah, I just told that motherfucker what it is.
I come back.
He's still outside of his apartment.
He's going, bitch. Bitch. I thought he said it from the window. No, back, he's still outside of his apartment going, bitch!
Bitch! I thought he said it
from the window. No, no, no, no, no.
He's still outside. He goes, bitch, and then we just have a fucking
back and forth. I actually know someone who lives in his building.
I won't say on his butt, whatever. So, uh, now
I got fucking beef with somebody right next door.
Why was he calling you a bitch?
My boy who lives there that you guys know,
my boy that I won't say.
No, no, because I was walking the dog.
Yeah, and?
And then I had to walk back to where I live.
Yeah, but when you came back and he's called your bitch again.
You clearly have no problem breaking your route to chase this guy.
That's a good-ass point.
Wait, what'd I do wrong?
Your bitch was confirmed the second time, I think.
Yeah, but then I chased him and he went back in his house.
And then you came back around.
And then he kept saying stuff. And you said he was outside. And you said nothing. No, I started cursing at him and he went back in his house. And then you came back around. And then he kept saying stuff.
And you said he was outside.
And you said nothing.
No, I started cursing at him and talking and blah, blah, blah.
Was he in his window?
No, he's like standing in front of the doorway to the building.
But the crazy thing is my boy, who lives in it that I'll tell you guys after that you guys all know,
told me he's just a wild ass old man.
And he sent me security footage.
He's like a wild ass old man And he sent me security footage He's like a racist and shit
And he sent me security footage of him just cursing at some dudes
That were like delivering shit to the building
And then the dudes pulled a fucking United Airlines on him
And started beating this motherfucker's ass
And they got it on the security camera footage
So he's just like an old man
Who's like probably a little bit crazy
Probably lived in the building forever
For sure crazy
For sure mental illness.
Had a mask on.
What?
You look really cool when you tell this story.
No, I'm not trying to look cool.
It's funny because I don't look cool
because the guys call me a bitch.
Yeah, you should have hit him, bro.
Really? No.
No, dude, he's clearly fucking crazy.
Why you chasing him the first time?
Well, I just wanted to scare him.
That's the crazy part.
That's what's crazy.
Because what you could have done is went home.
Yeah.
He's old.
And then not chased after a crazy man.
Old, angry, mentally ill fuck.
You are a young millionaire.
He's 70.
What are you talking about?
This is how mature people deal with stuff like this.
You could have killed him.
I could have got the meat.
Al, Al, you acting like you're Behind a desk right now
You're on a couch, dog
Handle this shit
Like a man on a couch
You're not doing nothing, bro
Oh, yes, sir
You learned your lesson, bro
No, he's getting a slap
Open hand slap
What if
What if when you go to attack him
He runs inside?
And it was not my intention
To attack him
But you wanted him to think
You wanted him to think
It was your intention
It was not my intention To attack was your intention It was not my intention
To attack him
Okay
It was not my intention
To attack him
It was in no way
My intention
You got a nice tit
You got a nice tit
You got microphones
Microphones
I ain't going front
Microphone
Microphone
But that tit had a nice slap to it
That felt like butt cheeks
I ain't going front
That tit felt like butt cheeks
Right there bro In that moment I think I realized
Al could fuck up Andrew
Close
Close quarters
If he gets a hold of you
Alligator
Alligator
If I can keep the distance I got a chance
But right here just that
He's spinning bro
That's a death roll dude
It feels far away over there don't it Nah I'm having a great time But right here, just that? He's spinning, bro. He's spinning. That's a death roll, dude. You're getting drowned out.
It feels far away over there, don't it?
Nah, nah.
I'm having a great time.
I'll be honest with you.
If I'm next to the fucking Komodo dragon.
You're having fun, bro.
Bro.
Okay.
What else are we talking about?
Yeah, Mark.
All right, hypothetical.
Yeah.
Would you rather go to jail for something you didn't do
Okay.
or have your father
go to jail
for something that you did?
You're asking
two of the wrong people.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's an easy decision.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bye, pups.
But I couldn't send my dad to jail.
No way.
Yeah.
What would you do?
You'd go to jail?
For what?
For something you didn't do. Whatever it is. Bullshit. No, I'd go to jail. No way. Yeah. What would you do? You'd go to jail? For what? For something you didn't do.
Whatever it is.
Bullshit.
Nah, I'd go to jail.
And I'd run jail.
I'd be the king of jail.
You wouldn't even let your shorty
get first class.
You're not fit.
Get the fuck out of here.
You're talking about my dad,
not my wife.
What the fuck are you doing?
What is he talking about right now?
Andrew's the dude
you tell hypotheticals to
and he's like,
no, I would go to jail
then I'd break out
and now I'm out of jail.
I would break out of jail.
I would break out of jail. I would break out of jail.
You can't break out of jail.
I could break out of jail.
It's hypothetical.
Someone else did it.
Who?
Someone who probably didn't invent subtitles.
In that case.
You know what I'm saying?
No, no.
Some guy broke out of jail.
He's probably not even that smart.
Okay.
You don't think that we could break out of jail, bro?
How would you break out?
Oh, did you see the girl that broke the three dudes out?
Yes.
She was like that.
You piped down a CO.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Crazy.
Hell yeah.
20-year-old white girl
against these three black dudes.
Damn, you'd cheat on your wife, dog.
To get back to her.
God damn.
Only time I would cheat on my wife
is to get back to her, bro.
Damn, yo.
I would fuck dog
the bounty hunter's wife.
Whoever the CO is.
God damn ugly ass COs, bro.
All right, now what if it's
you go to jail
Okay
Something you didn't do
Or your girl goes to jail
For something you did
How long?
Shit
Cause girl jail ain't that bad
Yeah it is not that bad
How long we talking about?
They just do each other's hair
That's it
You get your nails painted
You get a girlfriend
All of a sudden life is good
You're hanging out
Low key I feel like
Girls might like prison
Low key yes bro
100%
Teach me how to use some paws Teach me how to, bro. 100%. Teach me how to use some pulse.
Teach me how to use some pulse.
Hey, bro, teach me how to use some pulse.
Come on, I'll press the buttons.
Do some button pressing out here, bro.
You know what I'm saying?
This is what it is.
Slap.
You got butt cheeks on your chest, bro.
That shit's easy to get slapped.
Don't put me on the couch.
I've been doing push-ups, bro.
And I do them on my knuckles sometimes. What? Come on, bro. I've been doing push-ups, bro. And I do them on my knuckles
sometimes. What? Come on, bro.
I've been trying. I got an offer for you.
Okay, go. Would you drive backwards
in reverse from
New York City to Los Angeles for $1 million?
Yeah.
The whole way reverse.
What? You gotta drive
backwards the whole way.
That should be mad annoying, Brian.
There's no way he'd do it.
What's the $50 million?
Is it a million dollars for charity?
That would change it if it was a million dollars for charity.
$50 million for you.
All money is charity.
You can give it to charity.
That's not true.
Yes, it is.
Because all the money I've made, none of it has went to charity.
So you can't save it.
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Black lives matter.
Black lives matter.
Black lives matter.
So does Blue Square.
Something.
Free the farmer.
I'm sure your accountant
has donated quite a bit.
No, we out here donating, bro.
Donations.
Donations.
Donations.
But you can take the money
and donate it yourself.
I could also flick my clit.
Don't.
What?
There's so many things I could do it yourself. I could also flick my clip Welcome to the Jimmy Pays, baby. My guys love the games. This is my life now.
Okay?
That's what you get.
You felt that right there?
What, you scared of it?
Can you fuck up so I can open it?
You scared?
You little scurvy?
Come on, bro.
Move over so I can smell your seat.
Yo, move over so I can sniff your fucking seat, bro.
Yo, all right, you go, you go.
Let's do one more rotation.
Okay, one more rotation.
Hold on.
You are so sweaty, it's unbelievable.
We're going to need to buy another couch.
Al's a slug, bro.
He's a full slug.
He's just fucking slithering around the studio.
Dude, he is.
Leaving a fucking snail trail.
Okay, Al, can you give us a topic?
No, you can't.
You got it.
What are we talking about?
All right, young thong.
It's the seat.
You're kidding.
There's no fucking way, dude.
I'm telling you, it's the seat, bro.
I haven't loved a word since I moved.
It's the seat.
There's no way.
It's the seat, bro.
There's no way. It's a seat, bro. There's no way.
Young Thug?
It's a different rapper.
Oh, you guys thought
I was talking about Young Thug?
Yeah, who's Young Thug?
Young Thug.
He's like Frito Bang's
like co-writer.
Do you know Frito Bang?
No, dog.
Yeah, I know Frito Bang.
Of course I know him, bro. If you don't know him, you don't know him. I know Frito Bangs. You know Frito Bangs. Of course I know him, bro.
Yo, yo, yo.
If you don't know him, you don't know him.
I know Frito Bangs.
I know mad songs by him.
That's it.
Cheese, paper cheese.
Come on, son.
Frito Bangs got the heads.
Do you know what I mean?
Do you remember this?
Sell the packs.
Sell the packs.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, I know Frito Bangs. I actually pecs. Yeah. Yeah. No, I know Fredo Banks.
I actually know him.
I met him.
That's a rapper you made up, I think.
No, Fredo, Fredro Banks, man.
Fredo Banks?
Went to Bronx School of Science?
He did.
That fucking dork?
He did.
What kind of nerd-ass rapper are you friends with, bro?
Wait a minute.
I didn't go to Bronx School of Science.
Where'd you go?
I can't believe you forgot what high school I went to.
Oh, Baruch.
Yeah, I know what high school you went to. Which high school?
San Francisco.
No, Frisco. Frisco, hey.
Frisco High. Yeah. See, that's how his brain
works. Like, he knew he was close to that
word. And then I had to get there, yeah.
I know you went to Frisco. What did you go to?
Bard. Bard High School. Bard High School. You went to Frisco? What did you go to? Bard High School.
Bard High School.
You went to your living room?
Yeah.
It looked like this, actually.
This is what my school was.
Is this the motivation?
Bet you wish you had a fucking chair, huh?
I would have liked that.
I would have learned way more.
Damn, bro.
Motherfuckers shamed us.
Okay, can we please have another topic
to discuss with our dear patrons?
Yes, I have a video I want to show you, okay?
Yeah.
If you laugh, you owe me a million dollars.
Okay.
Okay?
And what if I don't laugh?
I'll give you a kiss.
All right.
Oh, boy.
Here we go.
Here we go, but we need some volumen on this puss.
Yep.
You can't laugh the whole video, okay?
Understood?
Yeah, I understand it.
All right.
I need my cuss.
You can't laugh either.
Hoodie mellow in the corner, son.
Yo, son, don't do that, Miles.
He looks like a stock image of a hacker, doesn't he?
No, he doesn't.
He looks like a pumpkin.
Bibbidi-bobbidi-boop.
Is that Cinderella when she date cherries? It's a fucking dick, though. Bibbidi-bobbidi-boop. Is that Cinderella when she dates
Charizard the fucking thing, though?
Bibbidi-bobbidi-boop.
Where is that from?
That's not Cinderella.
I thought they changed it
into a fucking pumpkin.
Oh, my bad.
Come on, son.
I'm sorry, my bad.
You can't laugh either.
Okay.
He's already seen this.
I can laugh at this.
Oh, you've seen it too.
Man, well,
you need to see the guy
who's clearly retarded
or something.
No, no.
God damn.
Go. All right. Wait, no. Goddamn. Go.
All right.
Wait, what?
I'm just waiting for you to play the damn video.
I'm trying to build some anticipation with Andrew, okay?
Knees weak, arms are heavy, this vomit on the surface.
I wish he had a camera.
You fucking...
On the surface, he looked calm and ready to drop bombs.
But he keeps on forgetting what he wrote down.
The whole crowd is full of
spaghetti.
You know, ain't it funny this is the one rap song
he actually knows? I know mad rap
songs, bro. Be honest now. White people
hear that song, Lose Yourself, I am him.
I'm Eminem. When that song comes out. Every white
person knows those lyrics. I don't know those lyrics.
I just
freestyled that. Six is in the crowd already.
Six is in the crowd already, and their the crowd already And their tits are fucking furious
I'm going to grab their butt
And touch it
Alright here's a video
You can't laugh
Alright go
I'm being serious
How many questions
Do you think I asked Miles today
And he answered a different question
And it drove me fucking crazy
It's so funny
When he does that
Here we go
I'll ask you
Can we do an impression Can we do an impression?
Can we do an impression?
I know I'm stressing Miles out,
but he's stressing me out too.
I'm not stressed.
I'm not stressed.
I've been feeling so bad.
I'm just like,
I'm just in a corner.
Hey, Miles,
did the light move?
Alphabets were originated
in ancient Sumer,
and if you look back
at cave drawings...
No, no, no, no, but did the lights move?
Well, it depends.
If a cave actually has the natural light,
then people could draw the alphabets
as well as other animals inside the cave.
No, but this light right here,
did it just move a little bit?
What I'm trying to say is that
I will be able to do the alphabet for you
in an ancient Sumeric tongue
if you just give me a moment to try to do it.
Oh, my God.
That was four different conversations.
At least four different conversations.
Guys, take your leave.
Okay.
All right.
You can't laugh at this video.
I'm not going to laugh at it at all.
I really hope it's fine.
Love you, Miles.
Thank you so much for all your hard work and your dedication.
Miles is going to shoot this place up.
He's ready, bro.
He really is.
Knees weak.
All right.
Ready?
No.
Miles never shoots up to me like that.
Stop it.
Stop it!
Stop! Stop!
Oh, Millie. Oh, Millie. Oh, Millie. Oh, Millie.
Just running back there.
It's so good. Look at you guys. Just running back and forth.
It's so good.
Look at you go.
Stop it.
Stop it.
I love this kid, yo.
All-time legendary video, bro.
Stop it, bro. Stop it, bro.
Stop it.
Stop it.
Stop it.
Yo, have you ever been that excited in your life?
Never, no. Has anything ever made you feel like this?
God bless this kid.
Bro, it's awesome.
Imagine that.
Ow, what is that like?
What is it like?
You know, after you take the trip To the little clinic
Like yeah
You guys are wild bro
Yo you're crazy bro
You're crazy man
You are fucking insane
Sweating all over my seat
Yeah
Come on Miles
What's up there boy
You're not like
Jammed up between
Y'all niggas
Yo how much more room Is there on the couch Without that It's a little cool. Yo, how much more room
is there on the couch
without Al?
It's unbelievable.
Look how much space
Al has.
They're fucking
tapping knees right now.
That's just because
we're close.
Yeah, they like that.
They're not afraid
of being homophobic.
Look, we'll pretzel it.
Look, it's a braid.
Look at that.
How do you feel?
Do you want to join?
Nope.
Why not, dude?
I should circle drink
right now.
Joe, you know what
Tom Cassetta said
about your peeing?
He said it is evident
of a guy with a small dick.
Oh, yeah.
He said...
But he didn't mean it
in a mean way.
Yeah, he was just like,
he was like,
oh, does he have
like an abnormally small dick?
Like he came...
The fact that you're
talking about my dick,
I know that shit is heavy.
Heavy.
Heavy.
But the stream was so heavy,
it was like...
All right, stop.
What the fuck?
I didn't know
what happened.
Go to the booth. Yo, go to the fucking... I was trying to get out of it. Yo, Go to the booth.
Go to the fucking
Go to the booth with Miles.
Yo, go
in the fucking
booth with Miles.
Damn, I don't know what I was doing just now.
Miles, you want to come sit?
I don't have a mic.
Miles, that was
crazy, son. Son,. That was crazy, son.
Yeah, I don't know where I was going with that.
Son, you got so defensive, son.
Yo, you don't got to get so defensive, bro.
I feel too far from y'all over here.
What do you mean?
Should we just get one couch that we all sit on?
I feel so far.
I would love it.
Right?
You feel the distance?
The energy has changed?
I miss you, dude.
I miss y'all, too.
Are you taking his water?
Yeah, what the fuck was that?
Yes!
Oh, why?
Oh, thank you.
Hey, thanks, buddy.
Oh, thank you.
Yo, that's such a boss move.
Yo, that's a big-time move right there.
That's a boss move, yo.
Yo, he lets you know.
Yo, you knew to the couch.
Yo, you knew to the center shot.
You knew.
This is how newbies get treated over here, bro.
All right, you want some water? Jesus. All right. Yeah. You're going to spit it out of your mouth. Give him that sal is how newbies get over here, bro. You want some water?
Jesus.
Give him that salivate. Mark won't drink it
either. He won't drink after people.
Alex, get the fuck
out of my shot, bro. Come on, son.
Be respectful of my fucking shot, bro. Remember.
My bad. You know what I'm saying?
I'm back in my motherfucking chair, bro.
Talk to him. I'm a fucking
cunt.
I'm a douchebag.
I do need to bring...
You almost slipped up.
You almost slipped up.
You almost made the cast.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You almost made the cast.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Miles, what are you doing?
Don't stress me out.
Don't lean forward so much.
I won't have to refocus.
Oh, God damn.
God damn.
Now we got an answer for you.
Wow.
Very clear. Very direct. Wow. Notice how Now we got an answer for you. Wow. Very clear, very direct.
Yo.
Wow.
Yo.
Notice how he still didn't answer the question.
It wasn't the question.
That's a very...
The question was, what are you doing?
Refocusing the camera.
That's it.
That's the answer.
Fucking dick.
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And now let's get back to the show.
What do we have?
All right, you want to talk about Ricky Gervais,
brand new stand-up?
Yo, Gervais had a fucking great take on cancel culture.
Yeah, dude.
We can play the clip and insert it,
but basically he's like,
if you don't let me improve
from the shit I said 10 years ago,
I'm going to just keep saying it.
You want Al to see the...
Al hadn't seen it.
Oh, yeah.
I saw the other one.
It was his best day ever.
He was on Twitter going,
oh, I've wanted to do this
all my life, right?
And then someone found
these 10-year-old tweets.
It's about Kevin Hart right now.
They were sort of childish,
sort of shitty, homophobic tweets. It was about his son son he was mucking around he said oh my son's doing so and
so i hope he's not gay there was a massive backlash he went oh sorry that sounds i'm not
homophobic really sorry he deleted them all right and said i'm really sorry um 10 years later
someone finds a screen grab and goes look he's done this oh the officers go oh you gotta apologize
again he went no i've apologized I can't keep apologising.
And he's right.
If there's no value to saying sorry and evolving,
you might as well just tweet him again.
That's how I deal with shit.
Anyway.
But if you're the type of person to revel in someone getting cancelled
for something they said ten years ago,
you're just ensuring that one day you'll be cancelled for something they said 10 years ago, you're just ensuring that one day you'll be cancelled
for something you said today.
You can't predict what will be offensive in the future.
You don't know who the dominant mob will be.
You know, like, the worst thing you can say today,
get you cancelled on Twitter, death threats,
the worst thing you can say today is,
women don't have penises, right?
Now, no- one saw that coming.
There are no 10-year-old tweets that people say.
You won't find a 10-year-old tweet
of someone saying women don't have penises.
Do you know why?
We didn't think we fucking had to.
It's great.
Okay, let's get to the trans thing after,
but the first part of it.
This idea, it's like,
what world do you want to live in?
Like, if you want to live in a world
where people are no longer saying these words,
if they're not saying them,
they said them 10 years,
but they're not saying them,
then you have to let them evolve.
Yeah, they have evolved with the times,
which is what you want them to do.
What world do you want to live in?
Yes.
Because otherwise, just keep saying it, and now you're in the world that you don't want to be in.
Yeah.
So shut the fuck up.
You have what you want.
Yes.
Cancel the people that are still doing it.
Yes.
Okay?
I don't even want to say cancel them.
But like—
You want punitive action or shout them down or whatever if they're still saying it?
Cool.
If they said it in the past and stopped saying it, that's exactly what you want.
You want people to evolve and learn and grow.
That's what you demand. We have statute of limitations
on everything. Yes. Like, I don't
even know. Murder? I don't know.
I think outside of murder, maybe rape.
Yeah. You shouldn't have it for
those two. Everything else? But everything else,
like, I even think with taxes. Like,
if you didn't even pay your taxes, like, back in the day,
there's only a certain amount of years that they could get you. After that, suckers. How many years? Say again? How many years? I'd be paying too much money with taxes. If you didn't even pay your taxes back in the day, there's only a certain amount of years that they could get you. After that,
suckers. How many years?
I'd be paying too much money in taxes.
We pay a lot.
We're sitting in a write-off right now.
I'll be writing this thing off for the rest
of my fucking life.
But still, if everything has a
statute of limitations except the words
that we use, even if you said it and you meant it in a fucked up way,
if you've changed, you've got to let motherfuckers change.
You don't got to do business with them anymore.
But bringing them up is just going to stop people from ever making the change
because the costs are too high.
How do you measure if someone's changed, though?
They're not saying that shit anymore.
Yeah.
They could not have changed in their personal life,
but if publicly they are, then what do you care?
Yeah.
And if they're in your private life,
then tell them privately.
Yeah, or remove them from your private life.
Or remove them from your private life.
And there's a lot of people who say the right thing publicly
and then privately they're pieces of shit.
We elect them to office with regularity.
So if human beings, if it's not live and learn,
it's be born perfect and evolve 100 years
like right now
we're all fucked
none of us are going to know
you're disincentivizing change
yeah
I love this
it's wonderfully said
okay give me a push back
what if we said some
real fucked up shit
like super
like oh let's exterminate
this group of people
I think we would all
call that
no longer say that now
was it a joke in any given time in any given time let's exterminate a group of people. I think we would all call that... No longer say that now. Was it a joke?
In any given time,
in any given time,
let's exterminate a group of people,
you're not allowed to say that.
It doesn't matter.
There's a fighter
named Sean Strickland
that was part of some neo-Nazi groups
or something like that in his youth.
And through fighting,
he realized that there were
all these non-white people
that were really helping him out
and showed him a lot of love.
And they were loving him and helping him
and supporting him in ways that his neo-Nazi buddies
or white supremacist buddies were.
And then it made him relinquish that shit.
Now, I'm not saying that those views
are absolutely abhorrent,
but we let him change, and now that's for the better.
This person is out here, and he's, let me just get the point out.
This person is out here, and he has become the person that we want him to be.
And he's been very open and honest about it.
Instead of hiding it, he had a conversation with Ariel Helwani about it.
And Ariel Helwani is a Jewish guy, and they had this conversation.
It's like he had these horrible views and then he's changed these views through talking to people and being allowed to
change. What do we do? Do we say, hey, when you were a kid and you thought these fucking horrible
things, you should never be allowed to do anything else in your life anymore? Or do we say, hey,
that was great that you left that horrible shit aside,
and I hope more people also do that?
Additionally, that's the guy that can make the most change with the group of people whose mind you want to change.
He can go to these white supremacists and say, guys, I used to be this.
I understand what you feel.
I empathize with you.
It's not the way.
The idea of scared straight for kids who are like troubled youth
is taking them to prison, and then a prisoner says, yo, I am what you
were or whatever. You know what I mean? It's the same
kind of idea here where you take a guy who has
changed and then talks to these people who
are still in that shitty state and be like, yo, this is not
it. But like Mark's question, how do you
know they've changed? Just because they stopped saying
it doesn't necessarily mean they don't believe those things anymore.
They can just be like, hey, I'm not going to laugh.
But how can you judge a man by his beliefs? It's impossible.
None of us can do that, good or bad.
I can't say a person says bad things,
does bad things, is good because of his thoughts.
You know what I mean?
I can't say a person is good because he says the right thing,
does it, or he might do fucked up things in private.
We don't know about that.
Let's assume they have changed.
Do we still punish them for these past beliefs?
Let's assume they have changed. Do we still punish them? What do you mean by punish them for these past beliefs? Let's assume they have changed.
Do we still punish them?
What do you mean by punish them?
Like social, like, ostracization?
Yeah.
Or, like, that's illegal.
Or, like, you don't get to be on the team that drafted you.
They look back at your tweets when you were 16 years old
and they see that you were tweeting rap lyrics
and they're like, oh, that's it.
We can't have this white guy who tweeted some rap lyrics.
Or if you're a black dude and you tweet some wild shit,
we can't have you on the team.
Yeah, I mean, of course, I don't think that's necessarily the solution.
But I do think people bring up, like, yo,
how do you actually rehabilitate someone that believes fucked up shit?
So people point out, like, this is a quote that will go around the internet
where it's like, okay, if there's one Nazi at a table
and nine people around them, there's ten Nazis at a table.
That's like a thing that people will say, like,
obviously to try to get people to stop disenfranchising with quote unquote Nazis.
But it's like, it depends what the context
of that interaction is.
Like if you're trying to bring someone out of a,
like a social situation or like there's some type
of cultural pariah and you bring them into a new situation
where you're able to like change their thoughts
on some like Daryl Davis shit.
Yeah.
Is that helpful?
You know what I mean?
Yeah, I think that's helpful.
I think that's a much more helpful thing
than ostracizing the one person
and then they find each other
and they just feed into that hate
and get one more power.
I think what Akash was saying earlier
also makes a lot of sense,
which is like,
I want that guy to share his story
because his story could help
so many other people
that were like him.
Yeah.
Right?
That's a powerful story,
but if he's afraid to share that story
because he's like, oh my god,
my UFC contract is going to be taken, all my
sponsors are going to go away from me, everybody's going to hate
me, and they're going to paint me now
as this person that I was,
then he's going to be completely silent
and nobody else gets helped.
If he did horrible things based on
those beliefs, like he broke the
law and did some foul shit back then,
that's different. But we're talking
about believing something. Mel Gibson
is a good example. Okay, go. He says
as much racist shit about Jewish people.
Sorry. And then they
who went and vouched for him? I forget
who. But someone went up in front of the academy and was like
guys, Mel Gibson's changed. We're sorry.
Take him back. And they stuck their neck out
and they're like he's a different person and tried to bring him back
into the fold. For the longest time, he was pushed out.
Do you remember who that was? No.
The last thing I remember about Mel Gibson, not even
making a joke, was the audio recording that his ex-wife
released, where he's saying more racist shit.
Yeah, exactly. So to me, it's like,
you didn't change, but I would also say ostracizing
didn't work. Right. Because he got ostracized,
and then you got him on tape a few years later
saying more shit. Because it's like,
what, do you really think that helps?
It makes us feel good.
It really makes you feel good, me included, to ostracize someone.
I'm okay ostracizing people in the moment
for foul shit that they do.
I'm ostracizing Will Smith.
Will Smith, you're not cool to me because of an action
that you did.
Ten years from now, if Will Smith or a few years,
whatever it is, he goes, man, I fucked up.
That was so stupid. Look at the trends of shit that I caused. Look
at all these people at Newark
that are getting fucking harassed because
of me. Look at what I've done. Look at the avalanche
that I've caused. The gay agent union is
in shambles right now. Shambles, bro. People bleeding.
Right? So it's like
if I
at least admit and take accountability for what
I did, right, and
then change in the future and recognize that.
Yo, Will, come on the pod, bro.
Like, I got you.
Let's talk it out.
You're cool.
I don't know if forgiving is the right word,
but like, yeah, we're going to move on.
You realize what you did?
You worked it out with Will?
Or you worked it out with Chris?
Okay, let's go on.
Let's figure something else out.
So the thing with the Oscars and Kev,
I think they were just like,
hey, we just want you to apologize
so we know you don't have
those thoughts that you had
10 years ago. But he had already said, he said,
I already apologized. They wanted that motherfucker
to kiss the ring and they were protecting themselves.
They were basically like, yo, look, they're gonna
make a big deal of this because we live in
cancel culture right now, so they're gonna find these tweets.
Somebody probably already showed them. They're like, if
you allow this guy to host, what we're gonna do,
because it's all about getting the corporation to bend. It's not about the person. So somebody probably found the them. They're like, if you allow this guy to host, what we're going to do, because it's all about getting the corporation
to bend. It's not about the person.
So somebody probably found the tweets and they're like,
I can get this corporation to bend. Watch.
Right? It's a power struggle. Yeah, I didn't
know he already had a power struggle. Yeah, so he explains
that in the joke. He might not have caught it early on, but he says
he apologized. He said, I'm wrong.
That was wrong. I'm not homophobic. I'm sorry. So they hit up the Oscars
and they basically said, yo, listen, I'm
going to do this and I'm going to expose this and you you guys are gonna look crazy because you have a homophobe
this host in the oscars so the oscars freaks out and then they go and and the oscars might not have
even done their due diligence the oscars might not even look to see if they apologize yeah and
then it becomes this public fiasco when kev could have just hit him be like yo i already apologized
for this i'm not going to be held up on this forever now he did end up apologizing again well that was kev's statement when he already apologized for this. I'm not going to be held up on this forever. Now he did end up apologizing again.
Well, that was Kev's statement when he stepped down.
He's like, I'm not going to be hosting the Oscars
because they're asking me to apologize
and I've already apologized however many times over.
The onslaught is just so fucking relentless.
I don't blame a guy for caving in a certain sense,
but to me, he apologized, he didn't make the joke again,
and then you're asking him to apologize again for this.
Yo, we're all going to make bad jokes.
Anyone who tries to be funny, you will make a joke that hurts somebody at some point. If you feel asking him to apologize again for this. Yo, we're all going to make bad jokes. Anyone who tries to be funny,
you will make a joke that hurts somebody at some point.
If you feel bad and you apologize,
cool, done. Now move on.
I'm not going to keep apologizing for this.
I've apologized. I understand it was wrong,
but you're going to just sit here and
flog me or whatever over and over because I fucked up once?
I've changed. Give me that credit.
And if you don't, I'm going to start to resent you.
And that's what I think these people don't have the sense to know
is these people, you're just creating more enemies.
You're not creating more love for the group of people
that you want to help.
Yeah.
When you're exercised from society, you become radicalized.
Yes.
And then you get brought in by all the other group of people
that have been exercised, and you're like, oh.
And that's how they get stronger.
You keep saying exercised?
Excised, yeah. I think I'm going to say excised. I think he kept saying exc been exorcised. And that's how they get stronger. Do you keep saying exorcised? Ex-cised, yeah.
I think I meant to say ex-cised. I think he kept saying ex-cised.
No, I said ex-cised.
I said ex-cised, dude.
Check the tape.
Check the tape.
You've 1000% said ex-cised.
I thought you meant like exorcism and I was like, I guess that works.
You meant to say ostracised.
No, ex-cised, like a cyst.
Like cut it out.
That's like a medical term.
I meant it. Nah, nah, nah.
He said exercise.
Nah, he's flinching it.
He said exercise.
He said exercise. I'm not
going to let y'all fucking shit all over Al
and never me when words
get fucked up. And then you say exercise.
Dude, that fucking noodle hand.
He said exercise. Listen to that fucking noodle hand. What are you talking about? Noodle hand. Look here.
Listen to that fucking spaghetti breath over here.
Fucking camel hump motherfucker.
That's facts.
Okay.
What else?
What else are we talking about?
So, I mean, he also had the trans joke that came out.
Do you want to touch on that?
Yo, the trans joke.
Yeah, we can watch it.
Those fucking dinosaurs.
No, I love the new ones. I know the new ones, they're great aren't they?
You know the new ones we've been seeing lately?
The ones with beards and cocks, they're as good as...
They're as good as gold, I love them.
No it's the old fashioned, and now the old fashioned, they go like
Oh they want to use our toilets.
Why shouldn't they use your toilets? For ladies.
They are ladies.
Look at their pronouns.
What about this person isn't a lady?
Well, his penis.
Her penis, you fucking bigot.
What if he rapes me?
What if she rapes you?
You fucking turf whore.
It's funny.
It's funny.
Objectively, from a joke writing standpoint, it's good.
Yeah.
The interesting thing about this and the way he positions it is that he's not saying the things.
He's basically having the online discussion in real time.
So he's positioning the groups against each other as if they're having that discussion.
And it's kind of cool because it absolves him of any of the guilt.
This is what the trans community is saying.
This is what the people are saying.
And it is ridiculous when they're having that conversation because if you don't see trans people
as what they say they feel they are,
then it sounds ridiculous.
So, yeah, I think he will catch some backlash.
I don't know why it won't be as much as Chappelle.
I think he does a smart thing of playing.
He kind of does the Colbert thing,
but he does it to liberals.
You know Colbert, back when he was funny, used to mock extreme conservatives
and play that character and then make them look kind of foolish?
That's what he's doing with extreme liberals.
He's like, what's her?
What if she rapes you?
You fucking bigot.
You idiot.
He's playing that character, so it's harder to get mad at.
Because he's actually saying the right thing.
You just know what he really means, so fuck you.
Right, right.
But he's saying the right thing, so you can't...
It's clever, dude.
That's the thing.
Chappelle's anti-trans jokes weren't as clever to me as this.
I found this more clever.
This is also silly.
And he's great at that.
There's a difference when you're just being silly.
Yes.
Silly, absurdist, ridiculous.
And I felt like Chappelle was like,
I'm going to teach these trans women once and for all.
Gender is a fact.
They are not women.
That was like the conversation.
It was almost like, this is how you know.
Or you might have a struggle,
but it's not like black people struggle.
So not only do I not believe you're women,
I also don't believe that your struggle is that big a deal.
So if you are someone struggling through that, you're going, well, fuck this.
Do you think he meant it that way or do you think it just came across that way?
I think it came across that way.
I don't know what Chappelle really means.
But if I'm a trans person, I can see how they might feel that way.
I can see trans people being upset at this too.
Oh, they are.
They're like, yo, you're mocking me.
They're like, I am a woman.
I'm curious what Daisy feels about it.
Because she's like, yo, I're mocking me. They're like, I am a woman. I'm curious what Daisy feels about it because she's like, yo, I am a woman
and you're saying I'm not
just because of these body parts,
which 10 years ago seemed completely reasonable,
which is what he said in the other bit.
Yeah, this is really good.
I wonder if you can acknowledge the irony in it.
Even though you believe that there's a certain
now cultural change,
you can acknowledge,
oh, things were different back then,
therefore I can understand why it's funny.
You know what I mean?
That first joke that we played is harder to get upset at
because his point is logical.
Yeah, he's just saying, oh, the discourse has changed
and now there's a funny thing happening in language.
Yeah.
You know what it is?
It's like you understand bigotry much more
as you have those people that are the victims of it
in your friend group.
So what we're going
through right now is like
what I imagine, right?
White people, I imagine
white people were a little bit more
casually racist. Even the whites that
didn't identify as racist.
Casually racist before black people
were in their friend groups. They were just saying
things that were racist. They didn't even
know they were racist to even say.
And then you have a black dude enter the friend
group and you see a black dude either get offended by that
or see how they react to it or see
them not live up to all those stereotypes that you
thought were true. And then you're like,
oh, fuck, okay, I got it. And I think
that's what we're doing now with trans. We have this community
who's deeply offended, but
very few people have trans friends in general.
Trans like 0.01% or whatever the hell it is.
So it's like, you don't even have a trans person
to know how they feel about these certain things.
Having Daisy on was a wild experience for me
because it was the first time I'm actually,
well, maybe a second time,
but I'm like sitting down with a trans person
and going, oh wow, they really do feel
like they are a woman.
And it was convincing to me.
Yes.
And they're in this wrong body.
That was convincing.
Now, you know they say sunlight is the greatest disinfectant?
For bigotry, I think exposure is the sunlight.
So exposure is what cleanses me of this thing that's bigotry.
Exposure to a trans person being like,
yo, this kind of hurts my feelings when people say X, Y, and Z.
You're like, oh, shit, my bad. I didn't know. Before, I knew a trans person being like, yo, this kind of hurts my feelings when people say X, Y, and Z's. You're like, oh shit, my bad, I didn't know.
Before I knew a trans person, these were just jokes.
Now I see it and I see how it hurts you and that's a different thing.
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Let's get back to the show.
Sunlight's the best disinfectant?
That's what they say.
I've never heard that one.
That's a saying.
Sunlight is the greatest disinfectant.
I've never heard that one.
I feel like we've said that on this podcast.
I've never heard that one.
I've never heard that one.
Sunlight is the best disinfectant?
Yeah.
Why?
That doesn't disinfect anything.
What about salt water?
What about Robitussin?
Hey, what can you say with these old sayings?
It's back when all we had was sunlight.
He's not a doctor, bro.
Yeah.
That's how you got disinfected.
You went to pre-med and shit.
Look it up right now.
Come on, bro.
Sunlight is.
First of all, stop saying you're pre-med.
Everything's pre-med before you go to med school.
Yeah, are you pre-med?
I'm pre-med.
I take the MCAT.
I study business.
I'm pre-med. You take the MCAT. I study business. I'm pre-med.
You take the MCAT?
You failed the MCAT.
Bravo.
You can't fail the MCAT.
That's why I didn't.
Did you take it?
What was your score?
27.
What do you need
to get into school?
34.
You can get in with a 27.
What, 34
or get into Harvard?
Where are you going
to medical school
with a 27?
You could be a DO.
You could be a DO.
You can't get
into no fucking medical school
My cousin got a 27.
No, DeVry,
you go to like Jamaica. Yeah, you go to Caribbean medical school. My cousin got a 27. That's when you go to Jamaica.
Yeah, you go to Caribbean medical school.
Have you met one of those doctors?
Get out of here.
Have you met one of those doctors that's like,
yeah, man, I studied in Kingston?
Yeah, sure you did.
You don't think I've met those doctors?
That's where you learn the sunlight.
You can't even be a dentist with a 27.
I would have destroyed the DATs.
Sunlight is the best disinfectant
is a quote in a place
where they don't have disinfectants.
Is that why it says
sunlight is the best disinfectant?
Quote investigator.
That's the quote investigator.
Malaria, for instance,
which is one of the most
difficult things to contend with.
I didn't say it was
a scientifically accurate quote.
I'm not going to lie.
Before he shitted on it,
it sounded fire.
It did.
It really did.
Like shine the light on it.
You know what I mean? Like, it was really beautiful.
Next time you have a surgery that she gets infected,
it's like, yeah, it took a walk.
COVID. COVID. Vitamin D.
There you go. Eat my dick.
Argue with Rogan. Don't argue with me.
You know what I mean? No, that is true, but it don't
really disinfect. It's true now.
Once I said Rogan, that's not.
I got him back.
I got him back. Now what? back, dog. I got him back.
Now what, bitch?
You know how to get me on your side, for sure.
But for real, though, keep saying trash quotes.
I'm sorry, my quotes are too deep for you to know.
No, no, that was a great quote.
Great quote.
But then Mark cut the legs out from under it.
But if you did get your legs cut off,
there would be a great disinfectant I can recommend.
That would help, actually.
Hey, what can I say?
I know quotes from back in the day,
you know?
Yeah, you got to stun.
I'm not a doctor,
but I'm good at quotes.
Have you heard about
stunning your butthole?
That's a new thing.
People use this
as like a medical thing
where you go outside
and you're supposed to
put your ass in the sun
and apparently it gives you
like energy.
Who knows weird ass facts?
That's a real thing.
What Tucker Carlson
documentaries do you watch?
No, that's Red Light.
That's Red Light.
You know some weird ass facts. That's season three. Yeah, no, this is a real thing. Wait a minuteson documentaries do you watch? No, that's Red Light. That's Red Light. You know some weird
ass facts. That's season three. Yeah, no, this is a real thing.
Wait a minute, what is this, sunning your butthole?
Yeah, perineum sunning. Oh, now you trust Google all of a sudden.
Yes. When it's your shit, Google will be right.
If it's.org, I trust it, okay?
You were talking about.com. The UI Healthline.com,
dickface. Yeah, okay, no, this is government.
This is their different satellite one.
But yeah, this is per...
Perineum sunning. Hey, Dove. Tell me. Can you ask Shubh what a This is their different satellite one. But yeah, this is Perinium Sunny.
Hey, Duff.
Tell me.
Can you ask Shubh what a respectable MCAT score is?
No, Shubh, what a respectable MCAT score.
You don't even know what a respectable score is?
Not 27.
A 25 is as mid as can be.
Really?
25 is mid, yeah.
That's the 50 percentile.
That's 50 percentile?
Well, like average to above average.
I don't believe it.
No, I don't think it's 50 percentile.
I don't believe it.
I think he got below like a white score.
Can you look up the average white people score in the MCAT?
Go ahead.
I don't believe this.
If he got a good score to get in, you'd be in med school right now.
I didn't say I was good enough to get in.
You just said it was good enough to get in.
I said you can get in.
My GPA wasn't good enough to get in.
Well, it's not just an MCAT.
Don't let this nurse... Hold on, hold on, hold on.
So you failed pre-med.
GPA. Those are the two
things. MCAT, GPA, and then extracurriculars,
which don't matter. Yeah, everybody at Justice AC is like,
oh, we got him. I'm not going to let
this nurse talk to you like that.
I think this might be our first... A 27th
and 60th percentile. Sixth? You... A 27th is a 60th percentile.
60, you failed.
You did fail.
60th percentile.
Oh, I thought it was 60th percentile.
Meaning the highest 60...
I said above average.
There you go.
I didn't say it was good.
Above average.
Slightly above average.
I said above average.
Barely above.
I counted, bro.
I counted.
It's above, though.
It's above.
So you wouldn't have gotten into med school?
No, not with my GPA.
If I had a great GPA, I could have gotten into med school.
Do you think that you didn't get into med school because you believe dumb shit like light is the best?
That could have something to do with it.
That could have something to do with it.
You could use some sunlight, though.
I need sunlight, bro.
Yeah, you got to get disinfected.
Yeah, maybe disinfect that face a little.
Real talk, I need that shit.
I really, can you hit me off with something?
Something nice.
Oh, there you go.
Did you just turn off all the lights in the studio?
This fucking guy, bro.
Go back to the hero shot.
We learned it.
We learned it.
Okay, so Akash has kind of like wiggled out of the...
Because laughter is the best medicine.
That's why.
Ooh.
Technically, you are a doctor in a way.
Laughter is the best medicine.
Hey, you got to tell your parents that.
I tell them that all the time.
They don't believe it.
If I had a diploma
that said that,
maybe they'd agree.
What did your mom say
when you told her
your MCAT score?
They didn't know.
You didn't even bother
to tell them?
No, they don't know
what it means.
They're just numbers.
Are you in or are you not?
That's what we need to know.
Your parents don't know
what a good MCAT score is?
No.
Even though your uncle
is a doctor?
Yeah, but he came from India,
so he didn't have to take an M.
We don't count that Indian doctor.
He took a board when he came.
They're all driving Ubers right now,
the Indian doctors.
No, they're coming here to be doctors.
Exactly.
We don't take the Indian doctors over there.
Yeah.
Yes, you do.
If you're a doctor in India,
you don't get to transfer that shit over here.
You have to redo it over here.
No.
Yes, 100%.
You take the boards.
So you think the doctors from the Caribbean come back to medical school over here and then. Yes, 100%. You take the boards. You think the doctors from the Caribbean
come back to medical school over here
and then take the boards again?
I didn't say that.
I didn't say that.
Go ahead, nod again.
Keep nodding harder.
Listen, 27.
I didn't say the fucking Caribbean.
It was tremendous.
27 out of here.
What's your SAT? 27.
What's your SAT?
1020?
No, I got 1130.
I got 1130.
It was 1110 because I was 1140.
No, I was 1130.
All right.
I got 1130.
Mark got the highest score.
I'm 1240.
But was you 14?
I did a lot of tutoring, though, bro.
He took it like six times, though.
My parents paid for it.
Oh, no.
I took all that tutoring, too, just to get 1130.
Yeah, but his scores was like 2400 by the time he took it.
Oh, yeah.
His is super mid.
It's 14.
Inflation, bro.
Inflation.
It's inflation.
1240's a white.
Indian 1240's like a white 10 point. Yo, but to be fair, you were trying to be a doctor.
Yeah.
I wasn't like trying to master an SAT.
What kind of medicine were you trying to do?
Whatever.
Okay.
Get my parents off my back practice.
That's what I want.
Just be a doctor at all.
Yes, that's it.
I would have done podiatry.
I don't give a fuck.
You would have done lip injections.
I feel it.
I feel like you're a lip injection kind of doctor.
Really with that weird feet shit, bro.
What?
That's your first go-to right there.
Oh, yeah.
That's a good point.
Why not fix feet?
He needs it.
He needs it.
I would get you too.
Remember when your bunion was sticking out of the fucking shoe?
I would never let you and your fucking 27 touch my feet.
Never in fucking life.
In the fucking camera too?
Never in fucking life.
But your hand feet, you do definitely need some sort of adjustment.
I saw a guy that had hand feet.
Aren't you flat footed?
What does that have to do with hand feet?
You got fat kid feet.
You're fat.
I know.
You got fat feet.
That's why you have hands.
How do you get my feet?
So you can eat more fucking food with them.
How do you get my feet?
How do we know that they're not just arms?
And you're one of those Indians that wasn't even born with legs.
Get it out.
I fucking stumbled.
You were there, though.
You were there, though.
Fuck.
I almost had it.
Okay, listen.
What else we got?
Why do you got to go to Italy, by the way?
I have a honeymoon.
Oh, that's a decent point.
Because now you're going to Italy.
Yeah.
Now my girl's like, oh, where are we going?
I told you guys to book this already.
Yeah, I know.
And Akash's like a fucking piece of garbage.
What?
Books the week before.
What?
Books the week before I go on the honeymoon.
I was like, let's all go on a vacation.
You actually didn't have that conversation with me.
That's not true.
No. That's literally not true. You didn't with me either. Yeah, that's 100 go on a vacation. You actually didn't have that conversation with me. That's not true. No, you didn't.
You didn't with me either.
Who do you think is more likely to forget something and remember something?
I'll tell you.
I found out about this honeymoon like maybe two weeks ago.
I'm saying.
No, no, no. That's actually not true because I texted
the group the week off.
So everybody knew.
Nope.
Nope. Who. No?
Who's likely to tell everyone, hey guys, don't work?
Who would I text?
Who's likely to say that? Was that me?
I don't know if he would say that. Was that me?
Yeah, and you know like booking last minute
in the summertime?
It's impossible. It's not the best time to book.
Yeah, we are doing it currently.
Fuck me. I swear to God
we had this conversation.
Who did I talk to about this then?
I think your girl.
No, because was it just you, Doug?
No, because...
We were talking about the two weeks off
that everybody shuts down for.
I know, right?
I had no idea this was happening, son.
What?
I had no idea.
So by the way, what's going through your heads
is what I went through with you in the conversation.
So the first week was Christmas.
We always shut down for Christmas.
Yes.
Yeah.
And then the second week was honeymoon.
Okay.
Good to know now.
We always shut down for honeymoon.
Everybody knows this.
I figured we all take the vacation.
It's like June T. There's a new holiday. I got to knows this. Oh, shit. I figured we all take the vacation. It's like June T.
There's a new holiday.
I got to keep this up then, huh?
Read them for more.
I got to have a new honeymoon
next year.
Okay, I'll figure it out.
So basically,
yeah, I figured
we all take that week off.
Fuck, I thought
everybody knew about this.
I figured I would take
a different week off
because I didn't know
about your week off.
And it just so happens to be the week before when we have to record all the podcasts
to fill the week that we're not going to be here.
My wife has to be at her
new internship that week that you start.
I'm sorry, did anybody ask that?
Did anybody
ask that?
About your free work thing.
We're talking about making money
out here, bro.
We're making money right now.
Yeah, you could have told us about the vacation, though. I thought I did.
Okay.
Genuinely.
And now this is my girl's idea.
Now that you, I think I'm going to be away from you finally.
Maybe that's who he texted your wife.
Yeah, I think so.
Hey, we're going to take two weeks off the studio.
Who did I talk to about this?
His wife, yo.
Yeah, I think so.
Because she knows.
And now I think I'm going to get away from you. Guess where she wants to go? Scotland. wife, yo. Yeah, I think so. Because she knows and now I think
I'm going to get away from you.
Guess where she wants to go?
Scotland.
Oh, boy.
Damn, bro.
She's like,
yeah, summertime.
Guess where I'm going?
Scotland.
Yo.
Summer vacation.
I don't know what happened, bro.
I'll be honest with y'all.
I don't know what happened.
But someone fucked up.
I don't know what happened
between me booking a vacation
and y'all not finding out,
but we got to figure out
who fucked this up.
Yeah, we should.
We really do.
I think it was you.
I think it was you.
I think so.
I think it was me.
I know I told you, Duff,
so you didn't tell the boys.
You didn't tell us?
You didn't tell me.
How long did you know?
Because I booked two comedy shows those weeks, so I didn't even guess? How long did you know? Because I booked two comedy shows those weeks
so I didn't even get to know. How long did you know, Dove?
I'm finna look this shit up right now. It's in the calendar.
Dove, oh, wait, wait. How long did you know?
I could not find it in the calendar. It's in the calendar.
Andrew Honeymoon. You act like
we get notifications. I told your ass
to tell everybody, didn't I? Nope.
I told his ass to tell everybody.
No, that makes sense because everybody looks two months ahead
in the calendar for notifications that might pop up that they didn't know about.
Yeah.
Did you hear him talk about his honeymoon?
Yeah, blame me.
It's okay.
June, when am I going to see it?
Who put it in the calendar?
Not me.
Who put it in the calendar?
Nobody, dog.
No, it is in the calendar now, but who put it in the calendar?
Who do you think?
Who do you think?
Who do you think did that?
I think Duff.
No?
Yes.
Oh, Duff, where are you going that week?
Oh, so you had enough time to
book something. See what I'm saying?
See what I'm saying?
I told him to tell all y'all.
He didn't.
And this is, if you're going to sell
me out, I'm going to sell you out. Please. The thing that I'm
going to say is. Sell me out. Sell.
Sell me out. I'm already sell out.
I'm already sell out. I'm already sell out.
Well, now that I know that Akash already booked something,
I got in a conversation where like,
I'm doing my trip at the end of July.
And then he's like, no, you're...
Just a little bit.
You're going when...
We're all done.
The end of July.
And I'm like,
hold on.
You see this?
You see this?
Go to me right now.
Go to me right now.
You see this? You see this? This is what we now. Go to me right now. You see this?
You see this?
This is what we try.
We try so hard.
Everybody wants to take vacations.
Look at how much notice I'm giving you.
We make a whole goddamn new studio.
And everybody wants to take a goddamn vacation.
You see this?
I'm not taking a vacation.
I'm taking a honeymoon.
That's my answer.
You think I want to do this?
Do you think I want to do this?
Yeah.
You're taking two weeks.
I went on half of my, I'm going on half
of the vacation
that my friends
are going on.
Oh.
But that's not
Oh, you're on a vacation
that your friends
are probably going to pay for.
Where are you going?
You're just going to be
on a boat or something.
Where are you going?
Let's compare vacations.
How about that?
I did it that shit
real fucking quick.
I was tight, bro.
I was like,
we'll have to go
on a different week
because all my friends
are going to go on this. And I was like,
I don't give a flying fuck.
Because
his friends are in the business. They represent clients
too. And I'm like, oh, oh, are their
client schedules more important than your
client schedule?
Oh, one of it,
there's birthday.
That was terrible.
Go to the other room, son. Go to the other room, son.
Go to the other room.
Go to the other room.
I don't know what to do.
You got kicked out.
Go to the other room.
I'm high right now.
I've been high for two hours.
I'm very high.
What is high at work?
What is high at work?
What's going on?
I had to admit it.
I just had to.
What if there's birthday?
That must be nice.
What if there's birthday?
They were calling me out for college. Birthday. That was fun. Okay, so what's birthdays? That must be nice. What if there's birthdays? They were calling me out for college.
Birthday.
That was fun.
Okay, so what about birthdays?
What if there is birthday?
Yeah, what is that?
Come on.
Can y'all answer the motherfucking question?
Who put it in the calendar?
You did.
I swear to God.
You did.
You did.
You're high on drugs.
You have no idea what's going on.
It's CBD.
Whoever put it in the calendar knew.
What are you saying?
Stop.
You said you were what's going on. It's CBD. Whoever put it in the calendar knew. What are you saying? Stop. You said you were high.
On CBD.
But the second I knew my schedule, I told him.
Because I have to tell him for films and shit.
For example, he knew I was doing it because we had to make sure that I wasn't going to be doing the film.
Exactly.
So you knew all this stuff.
Stop acting like you didn't know.
And you didn't tell them.
And I asked you to tell them.
I wish I also told you because I didn't know he was a nincompoop.
Right?
Like now that I know he's a nincompoop. Right? Like, now that I know
he's a nincompoop,
then I'm going to make sure
I tell you all this shit.
What's worse?
What I did or what Akash did?
Because I didn't even do it.
What you did?
Don't do that.
Oh, I'm going to do it.
I'm going to look you in the eyes
when I do that.
I'm talking to both of them.
I'm talking to both of them.
Don't do that.
Want me to do you next time?
Remember we were wondering
what karmically he did
to lose his seat?
I do remember that.
Yeah.
I'm going Wednesday through Sunday. I'd have missed
one. We had to record on Tuesday.
That's it. You are a scoundrel.
We would have recorded one Tuesday, been out.
That's it. How dare we take
vacations? I'm too far from you guys.
So yeah, last week in July.
Where you going?
Oh yeah, I'm both taking vacations the same week.
You said I was going to take a trash vacation. Let's compare vacations.
Come on. Yeah, he's going to take a trash vacation. Let's compare vacations. Come on.
Yeah, he's going to ride a fucking pontoon boat in Venice.
Take your shirt off.
I'm going to the slums of Spain.
Who is?
You are?
Yeah.
Where?
Where are you going?
My shorties.
And a family.
Guys, am I known to take time off?
Honest question.
I mean, you missed a week ago.
That wasn't time off.
That was work.
That was time off the podcast. I didn't say... week ago that wasn't time off that was that was work that was time off the podcast
I didn't say
am I known to take time off
general vacations
like just not work
end of every year that's it
but I'm not
Miles can you
give me a point for a second
we don't want to give you this point
can I go to the back of the fucking am I the idiot we just don't want to give you this point. We don't want to give you this point. I don't want to give it up. Should I go to the back of the fucking game?
You're forcing us to try.
Am I the idiot?
We just don't want to give you
a point on this.
Am I known,
do I ever,
am I known to not take,
am I known to take time off?
Am I known to take vacations?
Hardest working man
in showbiz, everybody.
I didn't say I was
harder working than y'all.
I didn't say I was
harder working than y'all.
Okay, many of you, yes.
But not,
but I'm just not known to take just, oh, I'm going to take time off.
Is that correct?
Fair to say?
Yes or no?
Sure.
How can we not admit this?
We don't want to give you the point.
How can we not admit this?
Why?
You just brought it up for what reason?
I just gave it to you.
I said sure.
What?
You interpreted sarcasm.
That's you.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
He's basically saying you guys don't deserve vacations.
That's how I'm reading it.
No, no, no, no.
Dove is our attorney.
Can I tell you what the real thing with Dove is?
Dove.
Like, he is.
That's the real thing.
No, that was coming.
Listen, listen, listen, listen.
Listen.
You're on drugs. And what about
birthday, Doug? What about birthday?
You guys were calling me an alcoholic, so
I just tried to lead, but I can't do that anymore.
I like it better.
Can I just have an honest conversation?
Yes.
Can we please have an honest conversation?
Can you guys please name the hardest working guy? Can we please have an honest conversation? Okay. Please name the hardest working guy.
Can we? No.
Can we just acknowledge
No, I'm not saying that.
I'm not saying that.
What I'm saying is
I'm not looking to take time off.
Okay?
I have been forced to do such things. Okay? I have been forced
to do such a thing.
Oh, wow.
By a spiteful wife.
You know what?
I'm going with that too, yeah.
Okay?
My wife has spite.
She has spite.
She has spite.
Boom, clap.
Boom, de-clap, de-clap.
Why are you blaming your wife for this, yo? Because I'm pussy, bro. God damn, clap. Boom, de-clap, de-clap. Why are you blaming your wife for this, yo?
Because I'm pussy, bro.
God damn, man.
I'm really excited for this vacation.
We're going to go to Venice, man.
We're going to go to Amalfi.
Bitch.
Yeah, we're going to go to Rome.
I'm very excited for this vacation.
What do you think his Instagram story looks like when he's there?
Be honest.
Oh, my shit's going to look crazy.
What do you think his Instagram story looks like?
My shit's going to look crazy. Okay. All right his Instagram story is? My shit's going to look crazy.
Okay, all right, let's make some predictions.
Go, go, go, go.
Let's make some predictions.
Let's make some predictions.
All right, all right.
Tell me if you're right.
First one, first one, go.
So he's going to post a hotel window
when he gets to wherever he's going,
looking at the water or some shit.
Canal.
You know canals, right?
I already planned that.
That's going to be the first one.
That's not bad.
I do that.
You got to send me that, right?
Why do you want to send me that?
My man never been on vacation.
He's going to Sparta.
What are you going to take pictures of?
Come on, son.
Stop it.
You're going to post that one?
Oh, you're going to have the one of like,
it's going to be a zoom in.
You want to ruin my honeymoon?
You see what you did?
You want to ruin the joy of my honeymoon?
Keep going, keep going, Mark.
I can't even enjoy my honeymoon.
You don't start.
Remember when he rented a dinghy?
Remember when he rented a dinghy? Remember when he rented a dinghy
and he put that shit on his close friend's story
trying to flex like he was doing something special?
Motherfucker was on a life raft.
He went tubing.
He went tubing.
It was like the taxi of that.
It wasn't even a taxi.
It was what they have on the side of the taxi
in case shit went wrong.
Motherfuckers from the Titanic
was still in the goddamn boat with him.
Women and children.
The fucking boat said women and children only.
We can't do it like this.
We had to ship Elian Gonzalez off that children only. Can't do it like me. Yeah, they should have Elian Gonzalez
off that thing.
Can't do it like me.
Son,
there was African refugees
on that boat
and he had to tip
them motherfuckers over.
You're a piece of shit.
Okay?
Yeah,
we're jealous.
We're jealous.
He doesn't know
Dos Evita like me.
He doesn't know.
You do know that.
He's gonna be stressed out.
That's why I called him
before.
This is what he said to me.
He started venting to me. That's why I was talking about is what he said to me. He started venting to me.
Like, that's why I was talking about,
like, I don't take vacations.
He started venting to me.
He goes, here's the thing.
Like, I'm working my ass off.
I'm fucking grinding.
I'm working to the bone.
I'm doing 10 different type of things.
He goes, you have to understand,
like, I need, like, my summer's in Italy.
Like, I need, like...
He said this to me.
Oh, my God. Like, and was serious. Like, a dead serious. like he said this to me oh my god
like it was serious
like a dead serious
like
he looked me in the eyes
and it was like
I need my summers
in Italy
like I need to be
on the lake
and I need to take
out my dinghy
with a girl
that won't fuck me
I need to do
these things
right
and I just couldn't
believe that it was
coming out of his mouth
I'll make it come
out of my mouth again
I need
my summers in fucking Italy.
And I'm taking it.
He's such a white bitch.
I just want to break the tension.
That's dope when he doesn't have his summers in Italy.
I know.
Yeah, enjoy Scotland, bro.
Hey, listen, I got mad love for the
homeland of shit, but...
Summer in Scotland.
You didn't have to diss.
It's so trash.
You go to Scotland.
The Edinburgh Riviera.
Where are you from, Al?
What?
Oh, that got uncomfortable.
Yeah, Puerto
Rico.
That's way better
than Scotland.
Fuck out of here.
What are you
talking about?
I guess he's
fucking right.
They had no
electricity for a
little bit.
Oh,
how much I get
pants?
I still wear
skirts and shit.
Fuck out of here,
bro.
Oh, my God.
Oh, you're going to take a pic on the gondola for sure?
I told him not to also.
Nah, nah.
Tourist.
Nah, nah.
I don't need no gondola.
Tourist.
Y'all really going to ruin my time?
Y'all going to ruin my time?
I can't be a hacky tourist for a little bit?
Drunk with a cigarette?
Nah.
You're going to get a cigarette?
When he gets a little drinky-drinking him?
Oh, my God.
It's going to be the whole time. Yo, I'm going to be on my vacation about to get a drink with a cigarette? When he gets a little drinky-drink in him, oh my God. It's going to be
the whole time.
Yo, I'm going to be
on my vacation
about to capture a moment
and then just think
of y'all laughing
in the other fucking
hot house while I
drink back and fuck you.
Yo, guys, guys,
this is every vacation.
He gets a little
drinky-drink.
He just has his phone
up the entire time.
Oh my God.
It's almost like
you're live streaming
but you don't know
how to live stream
so he just holds
the button down in the story.
I mean, I know Al's not talking about stories.
I know you're not talking about stories.
I do it.
Yo, every time we're on the road, yo, yo, Mark, can you come take a picture with me on the beach with a pineapple?
Yo, yo, Mark, yo, Mark, let me just hold the pineapple like this.
Let me just get my ass.
He takes pictures.
I have to pop it.
Stop it.
His little thirst traps and his toes out
in every fucking picture.
Oh, I need another one of those,
by the way.
He doesn't even know
what mush is right.
Okay.
Our story every time, bro.
Feet up just like on a beach
or some shit.
Just toes out.
Yeah, son, we get it.
You live with the view of Manhattan.
Every time.
Okay.
God, no.
You like that shit.
And then the monitor.
Yo, that was...
That was the view of Manhattan.
Yo, he's...
You don't even know if he's shitting on you so hard. Yeah, look at the view. He's shitting on you so hard.
He's shitting on you so hard.
You got a view of rats running by.
No, no, no.
He lives in rat-free Queens.
It is rat-free.
There's no rat in Queens.
Look at my group, terrorists.
I'll be cropping all the 300 other people
on their bar
and killing this shit off
so it'll look like
just Al's hair
I do
two Japanese people
excuse me
listen
hey Lai
listen
fuck you all
for ruining my vacation
nah I'm looking forward
to that shit
to mine
he's going to Venice
where they created
Aperol Spritzes
that'll be the first photo
oh
yes oh you had that one I can't get that you fucked it up he's going to Venice where they created Aperol Spritzes that'll be the first photo oh yes
oh you had that one
I can't have that
you fucked it up
I can't have nothing
were you going to do
the two lay flats
with you and your
bride on the honeymoon
on the way out there
you don't have pics of it
what is that
I'll be telling that shit
what movie should I watch
what is it
oh yeah
when I get a lay flat
should I watch this movie
yeah
yeah
yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah a lay flat, should I watch this movie? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me tell you something.
I know if Al's vacationing on a budget because I don't see no pictures.
If Al's doing anything nice,
we all know about it.
Yeah, a sharp knife at the restaurant.
Is this for steak?
Eating good.
Oh, fuck. Applebee! All right, all right good. Oh, fuck.
Applebee!
All right, all right, all right, guys.
Come on, let's do a pot.
Actually, I think we have something.
Guys, this has been Flagrant.
Peace.