Anything Better? - There's Two Types of People

Episode Date: December 3, 2022

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what's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast with your host me paul bursey bill burr and producer andrew themless And today you guys listening to episode 73. We want to first thank everybody. I'm sorry, 72 guys. We've just talked about it before and I thought it was 71. They told me 72 and then I jumped and say 73. What can I say?

I'm excited we're back. Listen, we want to thank all of our listeners from the Anything Better podcast and we appreciate you listening. You can get the Anything Better podcast where you guys get all your podcasts, Spotify, iTunes. We want to thank everybody who is making the Spotify lists

of their top five favorite podcasts, and I saw Anything Better on there a whole bunch of times there, Bill. So we want to thank everybody for that. And now we will get into who is the biggest, best 72s in sports. All right. As a Red Sox fan, I got to go with Carlton Fisk, even 72s in sports. All right. As a Red Sox fan, I got to go with Carlton Fisk, even though he was 72 with the Chicago White Sox. He was 27 for us.

Remember that? I'll do it the right way so it looks the right way because it's backwards on my thing. Stay fair. Stay fair. Stay fair. One of the great games ever played. As far as in football

dan deardoff uh ed too tall jones matt light bill george henry jordan uh who else i'm just gonna say because i love this guy's name jim dombrowski you know that guy's fingers were pointing every different fucking way at the beginning of his career. Oh, dude, yeah. That name just sounds like a mistake. Mack the Sat, Tony McGee for the New England Patriots. That brutal roughing the passer call against Ken Stable. I believe he was number 72 also. And there you go, Paul.

I'm not doing all the other fucking sports. I'm still getting over my fucking minor's cough here um so dude i wanted to tell you something so fucking hilarious i was talking to you yesterday what you you called me when i was in a pc richard and son and we were talking and i told you that i was shopping for a refrigerator. And by the way, I don't like shopping for other things, but for some reason, appliances or things like that, I just enjoy it. I enjoy walking around and going, hey, man, what's the square footage of the refrigerator in there? So I've been shopping for cars and I've been shopping for refrigerators and dishwashers and I'm having a i'm having a time of my life what's

your top three appliances paul my top three appliances has to be now i really really enjoy a nice fridge i enjoy a nice fridge spacious but nice access to the freezer elegant but no here's the thing we did something different everybody, a lot of people have, I should say, the two French door. Okay? The typical is the two French door, and then the bottom, you pull out the freezer. Dude, I have a fucking chandelier hanging on the top of it. It's so fucking classy. Get this, Bill.

It's all white, inside and out. Dude, for some reason, they figured out how to put leather in the back of my – I got white leather in the back of my freezer. Hey, I got the most expensive refrigerator I could find. Back up. We're moving. Yeah, that's great. The white Christmas tree.

But, dude, I go like this. So I'll just give you – It's actually funny that you said the Italian thing. I go to PC Richard. They just didn't have the selection. The guy did a thing where he goes, hold on. I can get it for you. We got a shipment coming.

You know, one of those. I'm like, no. And that's the other thing about me. When I go to buy, I'm buying now today. I'm buying today. I'm going to buy it today. And I want it to the house as quickly as possible. And if that happens to be today, I'm happy.

The best I could do is Tuesday. So I go to Best Buy. No good. I go to PC Richard and Son. Best Buy, dude. You go in there, man. It's like they don't have anything on. There's nothing on the shelf anymore.

And I heard, and I hate to say this, but I heard that if you buy something like that at Best Buy, if something goes wrong, a customer service is not going to be. So then I go to Home Depot. I didn't realize Home Depot has refrigerators. Then I went to Lowe's. They have refrigerators, nothing. So somebody goes, no, there's an appliance store. Go to this appliance store. So I go to this appliance store late. It's about, it's getting dark. It's like five o'clock. I go in there, dude, you're going to love this. I go in there, this dude comes out and he's walking like this, right? And he's got white

hair slicked back. You could tell. I was going to say some old guy with hair coming out of his ears. No, no, he's white hair. And he walks in and he just had the thing. As soon as I walked in, he goes, can I help you with anything? And I go, yeah, man, refrigerators. He goes, follow me. I instantly liked him, dude. He was, I instantly, he just goes, come with me. So I go, yeah, I'm having a hard time with the dimensions because, you know, that's the one thing about, we have a space in our kitchen.

It's got to be like 33 inches deep. It's got to be, you know, 68 something inches tall. So I go, listen, buddy. I go, I just went to PC Rich all these places. I go, the dimensions are hard. He goes, give me what you got. Dude, he was like a stockbroker. He goes, what do you got? What do you got? I go, all right, I got 68 high. I got this and that. He goes, come here. Yup. Come here, dude. He gets there. He shows, I got this one, dude. He was like a car salesman but he he knew exactly what i wanted i go listen i go i need the ice and the water in the

front you got i want the cubes i go they're trying to sell me cubes that they make inside the thing i like the cubes outside you know like you know i'm not going to be opening doors yeah it goes moscow mule at three in the morning exactly exactly he goes i go no listen if i want a cube i want it right there because you know the other salesman we're going no no you get the ice you just got to open a bomb it makes it today i'm like okay i was like can i get the cube up here though and i like the you know it so he goes you want the cubes come here so then he goes dude he was so funny and i just go like this to him i swear to god i go you italian he goes of course he goes and then he goes, dude, he was so funny. And I just go like this to him. I swear to God. I go, you Italian? He goes, of course.

And then he goes like this. He goes, I swear to God. He said, there's two types of people in the world. I just started laughing. I didn't even know what to do. Dude, this guy. Then once he knew that I laughed, then he started cursing. He goes, yeah, dude, come here.

I'm not going to sell you a fucking thing. Dude, Bill, I was like, I'm buying my appliances off this guy and then i go listen my wife would like the dishwasher to match the thing he goes yeah dude it was like dude this guy and then so what are we doing here so finally i'm laughing so hard it's all true it's all true this happened literally like 12 hours so finally i'm laughing so hard i go dude i go i literally like 12 hours so finally i'm laughing so hard i go dude i go i'm i i don't tell people this i gotta put you in my act i go i'm a comedian i go dude you're fucking hilarious because yeah oh he goes i used to go to the clubs i used to go to the comedy clubs all the time you know back in the day he goes you know who my favorite is right

and dude of course i knew and he just goes dude the dice man the dude i was gonna say rodney the dice he goes he goes oh dice i used to see dice in the city dude this guy was so good and then he goes like this what's your name so he searches me up and then dude this is the weirdest thing andy milanakis is you know andy mil? Oh yeah. His cousin was working at the thing. So this guy, this guy's name is Tony. He goes, Hey, this, this Paul Verzi right here, one of the top comics. And the other guy goes, dude, it was yeah. V I R is it dude?

It was. And then I, uh, I call him last night. I said, I got to just talk to him. He goes, yeah. I go, listen, my wife, I go, I'm not trying to be that guy. He goes, he goes, you can't, he goes like this. He didn't say it like a dick, like testing my man talk to him. He goes, yeah. I go, listen, my wife. I go, I'm not trying to be that guy. He goes, you can't. He goes like this. He didn't say it like a dick, like testing my manhood. But he just goes, OK, so you can't pull the trigger right now?

And I go, I go, I'm going to pull the trigger. I said, I just want it. My wife's home sick. I just want to tell her because she wanted it to match. So he goes, all right, no problem. He goes, I'm going to print out both for you, all the specs, all the details. I'm going to print out both. You go home.

He gives me his car. You call me. He goes like this. He goes, call me anytime. He goes, you call me anytime. all the specs all the details i'm gonna print out both you go home he gives me his car you come he goes like this he goes call me anytime because you call me anytime he goes and i'm watching your special tonight so i go home you don't get that at best buy and lowe's home you get a fucking zombie it was one of the best shopping experiences i've had. I was like, if Christmas shopping was like that, people wouldn't just be online at Amazon. Like, you need a sweater? Get over here.

What color? That's what you want. So I ended up buying a dishwasher and a refrigerator from the guy. He got commissions. He made some money. It was great. And now I refer people to him. Did you think about giving him a little extra cash?

Did it cross your mind? I like this guy. Let me put a 50 in his hand. No, and here's why. Because I saw the same model refrigerator I got for $100 less somewhere else. And instead of me saying, hey, Tony, not for nothing. Because I almost did that. I go, Tony, not for nothing.

I said, will you match that? What am I going to do? I'm not going to fight the guy for a hundred dollars you can't do that plus he's running a smaller store those bigger ones yeah dude you're paying the extra hundred for the experience yeah dude it was like oh my god you know who my guy is goes dice i was just like yeah i'm buying from you were watching dice's new thing that he does on instagram it's one of my favorite things that the picture people listening he fucking picks somebody out just randomly in the street hey excuse me i i saw you looking at me and they're immediately weirded out and he just goes i i know you want to get a picture and they're always like no no i don't want to get he starts following him down the fucking street.

I don't know how he keeps a straight face when he does that. It's so brutally uncomfortable. I can't watch the whole thing a lot of times. I started to watch that one where he went into the flower store with that Asian woman and the other one, and they're just like all funny, and he's all bundled up. He's got his glasses on and his thing on. I saw you looking at me. I love when he goes, you know, it's a little cold,

so if we could make it quick. And then he goes, no, but you're a fan. And the guy goes, no, I'm sorry, I don't know who you are. And he goes, no, but you want it, dude. It's that level of Jim Florentine. That's why him and Jim Florentine, those guys have a thing where they could sit in on comfortability like that. It's amazing, dude. No, it's unreal.

So Jim Florentine with the fucking pepper on the piece of fish. It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. I can't believe how fucking stupid those people were. At some point, I'm not giving you any more fucking pepper. They never did. They did two and then went in and he said they were in the kitchen and he told don jameson at the beginning of the sketch they go nobody look at him so they're all looking down and he just goes more because they don't want to make i go this is going to get real awkward they went through

two of those pepper mills and then another one and he goes all right turn it over okay go ahead what about the one where jim florence um jim norton and club soda kenny went to go look at luggage at one of those tourist shops in times square and the whole thing was to curse as much as they possibly could and kenny's following him and kenny florentine goes yeah we want to fuck you i need to make sure this thing can fit all my fucking luggage. Club Soda looks at him and goes, what cocksucking color you want? Yeah, that was him and Norton. Norton's like, yeah, can this fit all my fucking shit in there?

And then Kenny goes, hey, he asked you a fucking question. Oh, God. Kenny's another one.'t fuck no no kenny's uh kenny's fucking really really funny man he'll yell stuff i got one for you the biggest thing in my life you got the uh the new uh refrigerator and uh dishwasher yeah biggest thing in my life right now is I got a new garage door opener. My last garage door opener, it opened it up and the sound it was making, I was afraid to not walk. I wouldn't walk in until the garage door was all the way up because I just felt like it was on its last legs and I was going to walk in. It was going to come down on my neck, you know, and then they would just find you. What was it making noise later hours later your family finds you like where is he and it's just your neck down is in the driveway

with your legs at some weird angle so they know you're they already know you're dead when you're walking up what was it making noise stupid fucking deaths used to hear about those dumb deaths oh it was a guy like two towns over all the time fucking garage came down hit him right on just you know it just hit in that right spot it hit him in the right spot he's just dead yeah family of four they gotta move i always never i never really liked people that gave that news. Like, dude, did you hear about Ted? And as soon as you hear that,

you know, as soon as you hear, dude, you know, Ted Smith from so-and-so, you know, the next sentence is bad. And it's just,

it's like, I'd say that's old lady shit, but the bunch of guys do it. No guys do it for Jim. Jim Brewer had that joke where he would go. Yeah, but I just saw him yesterday. Dude, you know what's fucked up?

There was this guy I knew. He had like a townie bar. And I remember his deal was you'd go in there. Wait, what's a townie bar? Like a dive? A townie bar is just like where just the locals go in. Okay. Like you literally know everybody who comes in.

Got it. Like what Cheers was supposed to be. Yeah. So you'd like go in and he just had fucking awful stories about everybody. And then he would try to get more stories out of you by asking awful questions. Like how so-and-so doing? I heard,

is he diabetic? Is he, I heard he's a diabetic now, like shit like that. How's he doing? Is he still gambling? Yeah. Did he put on weight?

Yes. Did his dad die? And it's just like, did you ever hear anything good about anybody? Yeah. A guy's cheating on his way. He heard what happened to his family. It's horrible. It just like, did you ever hear anything good about anybody? Yeah, a guy's cheating on his wife. You hear what happened to his family? It's horrible. It's like, is it?

Hey, total this car, man. Yeah. No, that's. And a high deductible, too, around the holidays. It's just like, all right, buddy. It's a face you made. Yeah, like, they're like almost enjoying it. It's, yeah, it's.

The Germans have a word for that. Scheiden Freud. That's how fucked up a culture I come from. We're just south on the Mediterranean where everybody seems to know how to live. Although let's not, you know, Italy's corrupt as hell. Who's kidding? Who? All right.

You know what? I'm just saying the scenery, the way people fucking eat the coffee oh we got to go to italy just to get a cup of coffee i can't believe i went there and it wasn't a coffee drinker what a fucking asshole then i go i go to france i didn't realize that was a tea country i ordered an espresso over there dude i swear to god i almost fucking just spit taken through the cup i didn't do i mean i didn't almost do that. I don't even want to do that. I'm speaking in hyperbole. It was disgusting. I will stand by that. All right, everybody. It's Thuma. Introducing the bed by Thuma, handcrafted from eco-friendly,

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There's no reason for a bed, a bed ad to say minimize noise. What are you doing? Otherwise, yeah. A lunatic. What are you jumping on your bed? Um, vigorously masturbating. bed um vigorously masturbating the visual of that is brutal and uh hilarious uh made for how you live the bed by thuma is backed with a lifetime warranty ships right to your door in three easy to maneuver boxes and takes about five minutes to assemble with no tools required. You can easily build it yourself.

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Upcycle means we're planting trees. Can they make one bed out of every tree? I don't know. Probably. They made a nightstand. These trees you think you need to... By the way, the way they were describing that bed made me want to fuck it. All the qualities you want in a woman.

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Dude, you don't need tools, and it takes five minutes to put together? Bring some whore home? It's curvy, and it's supportive. Take the whore thing out. I've been married 20 years, okay? You feel like you're at a hotel? You can see your wife while feeling like you're having an affair.

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Okay. Hey, it's got a punch, Bill. You know what I mean? Hey, listen, if Joey Diaz is getting behind it, that's got to be rocket fuel. Let me tell you something, cocksucker. I got the fucking coffee for you. All right. Where am I here? something, cocksucker. I got the fucking coffee for you. Alright, where am I here?

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coffee and they have great stuff so check it out and uh enjoy it for the holidays um dude my son was talking lucas was talking about france he goes, dad, he goes, he goes, that baguette that I had, that baguette that I had across the street from that place. He goes, he goes, dude, he was just eating it. Like just eating the bread. He was like, this is the most. And he goes, he goes that Italian restaurant. I'm telling you, man, Paris was the food in France from everything,

from breakfast croissant to, to, to the baguette, the bread, the dinners, the drinks. And another thing that i didn't know about europe is especially the places that i went in london and france it's big on gin drinks so like in london london is all like gin bar go to the gin bar oh do you want this gin and it was all like and i'm like oh, gin is the last time I drank like a lot of gin. I was arrested. Like gin gets me fucked.

That's what I was saying. Like I always, gin to me is that's, that's a, that's a mean liquor. So you have two gin and tonics. I don't care who you are. You have two like stiff gin and tonics.

You're fucking hammered, dude. Yeah. It's something weird. It's like you're drinking flowers and then all of a sudden you just like half clothed missing a shoe um yeah man so uh wait what was i gonna say there was another thing that that guy's talking about in france yeah no dude uh we went to this Italian restaurant called Lino. I L I N O. And we sat outside under this dude. It was literally one of the best Italian meals I've ever had in my life.

Any city can rival any meal I ever had. And then me and Stacy, we had the dessert and the dessert drink. And she was just like, I would literally fly. Like now I know when somebody goes hey they flew on a private jet just for dinner and people like that so i'm like no no if i if i had access to that billionaire type shit and i was like hey let's go to leno in paris tonight

that's the shit that i would do that's still fucking a fucking horrible disgusting thing to do even if you had the money to do it yeah it's ridiculous and it's completely grossly overcharged it makes no sense it's bad for the environment here's the thing paul you know what the fucking hardest thing in the world is is trying to help out somebody less fortunate and actually getting the money not only to somebody less fortunate but somebody that is then going to take that money and do the right fucking thing with it. That is one of the hardest.

People just act like, oh, that guy's got all this. Why doesn't he just fucking give it to them? It's like, because that dude's going to go to the liquor store. That guy's going to go to the track. They're going to go out and go buy a fucking, you know. Because nobody, like, dude, the amount of fucking people actually in this business that I see that end up doing well and they get money and they literally don't know what to do with it like i think that's done on purpose the fact that no one knows like i still

don't know i just don't i just don't buy a bunch of dumb shit and I pay off the stuff I have. That's like the remedial level I have of understanding money. But then you see these other people, like, you know, they know how to like, you know, buy places, fix them up, do all of that shit and create a little fucking empire. Yeah. I don't understand why it's like that. Yeah. You talk to these people it's like that. Yeah. You talk to these people and they're like, dude, you got 75K? Here's what you do, dude. You go down south.

You buy a little house. You fix it up. Somebody goes in there. You sell it. And then all of a sudden, like, and it just keeps going. You get a guy to manage the property. You fucking dick. It's like, what?

And then they're like, after eight properties, you're all liquid. And you're like, all right, dude. All right. Where do I buy? My thing is every time I think to go do that, the people around me talk me out of it. You don't want to go out there. They fucking got dropped. You don't want to do this. You don't want to do that. It's just like, I mean. Yeah. I just have my house, dude. And I'm paying Elvis taxes. yeah i just have my house dude and i'm paying elvis taxes hang on a second paul i'm sorry no no no it's all good it's all good dude everybody is getting sick my house everybody's up dude my my as we speak right now my wife is under the covers in bed like this i had to get her tea she's got gatorade next to

her medicine my daughter's been out of school and i'm just and i'm going you know i'm going guys i love you but there's no kisses good night and i'll be downstairs because you know i don't want any fucking part of that. I was crushing it at the gym. I was on my way back, dude. I was, like, doing, like, body weight exercise. I was getting ready to do a pull-up, dude, so I can win this fucking bet. I haven't been in the gym in three fucking weeks, dude.

Three fucking weeks. Spent Thanksgiving by myself. Oh, I was going to say my family over to uh my mother-in-law's they made me like a plate and I laughed dude I sat by myself watching football and then I watched that movie cat people from the 80s I don't know why I went on the criterion Channel they had 80s horror but it was criterion so it wasn't like any like the friday the 13th shit that you saw was all this obscure stuff and i was like cat people i remember that movie i remember that movie being a little slow but i like the soundtrack and i watched it it was the same same thing again um the other night i watched an old movie i was sitting up and i go let me just

fucking scroll through this and i decided to watch because i have my nights now where if i'm home late and i'm taking some you know i'm home for the holidays more than less i don't like to go running around during december time and everything oh you know how to live so yeah and i'm ready for i'm gonna go on a big tour tickets on sale paulverzi.com um and next year but um i watched uh any given sund Sunday with Al Pacino, the Oliver Stone movie, and here's what I got from it. I didn't really, the second time around, I didn't really like it as much, but Al Pacino's things that he says, even to the owner's daughter in a meeting,

and then things he says to the team, and then things he says privately to Jamie Foxx as like the backup who's now the quarterback dude I gotta tell you some of the lines in that movie from Pacino movie's not movie I didn't love love especially to be honest with you especially the second time around I liked it less the more I watched it but dude some amazing lines by Pacino as the coach in that movie as far as like life lessons and also like what a good coach would say i thought it was pretty i thought that was cool to watch it you know but yeah i remember seeing that at the movies yeah i don't remember the movie i just remember that guy standing there with like a fucking two-foot dick for like nine

minutes it felt like on screen just standing with this giant hogan hanging out oh and she walked into the she walked into the uh the locker i don't remember anything else other than this guy had like a fucking two foot dick and for some reason oliver stones is like you were gonna look at this two foot dick yeah like nine it felt like nine minutes it's like jesus christ yeah um the movie had some shit in it though when you look at the year because it was like early mid-90s uh ahead of its time as far as like the concussion and protocol and stuff like dennis quaid was the starter who was all fucked up and they wanted him back for the playoffs and it ends up going to jamie foxx and some of the things that dennis quaid says to him like yeah why don't you fuck like basically

like you're a flash in the pan you're all about this hype you don't want to win you don't have it it was pretty like and then it was like then he realized he's bitter and shit it was cool it was cool but um dude i watched something last night that really fucking freaked me out. Peacock has a thing now where they did a three-part series where for the first time since the trial of Casey Anthony, she actually talks about everything. And dude, I saw Anthony Jeselnik said something like, wow, that just got flipped on its head. And then I watched it. And after the first episode, I'm like, all right, dude, halfway through the second one, I'm going, what happened? And then after the first episode, I'm like, all right, dude, halfway through the second one, I'm going, what happened? And then after the third one, I'm going, what?

And I was just going like, dude, if that's the public perception that the media had, and then that shit happened and you're going, oh, fuck, dude, I'm never judging. I don't know. What is who's Casey Anthony? Casey Anthony was the girl in Florida who was two year old daughter. She was they said she was out partying for 30 days and the two-year-old daughter was missing and then they found the body 31 days later

and everything like that. And then she got acquitted. And everybody was like, they were protesting. They couldn't believe she got acquitted. And she's basically, since she got acquitted, been in hiding because her defense team had to set her up and make sure she was okay because there were death threats for the defense team

and her calling her baby killer, this and and that and then she's just making these allegations and and uh you know about family members and stuff people it's wild man fucking wild you know it's yeah it would almost be like if the oj trial if oj did a three-day documentary and then all of a sudden you found out some shit that made you go, well, maybe it wasn't all him. But obviously in that case it was. Yeah, but I always feel like with the documentary, that's the job of the documentary.

If it's just going to show you what you already know, you're like, yeah, I already saw that, I already knew that. So it's got to be like, huh? And you always fall for that shit, Paul. I remember one time you called me up i was walking my dog rest her soul and you fucking called me up absolutely convinced that courtney love killed court kurt cobain i actually had to question my friendship with you that i was sitting there going paul so you're telling me

a junkie that lived in los angeles flew in the throes of addiction flew to seattle killed a world famous uh uh uh rock star and the local police could not figure this out they couldn't figure it out but but this guy in the documentary did that's what you're telling me dude guilty as charged man if you give me even a compelling i love true crime shit so much if you give me a fucking diet coke and a compelling story on a on a, I'll buy it, dude. It's like a guilty. I'm like, yo, maybe that didn't happen. Maybe that.

I used to be like, you know, you go through a phase of that, and then you kind of figure out like, oh, that's just like what they're doing. This isn't really a documentary. It's just presenting an argument. I will say this. Courtney Love, though. Courtney Love fucking a long time ago, was on a red carpet. And they said, yeah, what's one of the hardest things in Hollywood? She was like, yeah, trying not to get raped by Harvey Weinstein.

She fucking said that. Wait a minute. She said that before all this shit came out? Way, way, way before. She said something. She basically said this guy's a fucking. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Wow, dude. able she said something she basically said this guy's a fucking wow yeah wow dude that's fucking nuts yeah but she also was you know

fucking on heroin and running around just fucking being crazy you can't walk around all sweaty and shit and be on a heroin have people like listen to what you're saying around all sweaty and shit and be on a hero and have people like listen to what you're saying it's tough it's a tough one it's tough it was like it wasn't like a functional heroin like there's actual functional people on heroin that are they function like i don't know if they get high they just stay like level and they go to work and they're like this is what we need to do in the next quarter yeah it, it was like when Flava Flav would talk about love, but he had like Viking horns on, but he would actually say something that you were kind of like,

chicks are into that. I love Flava Love. You know who loved it? My dad. He's like, this is incredible. That was a great show, man. I love it. She should have picked hoops.

She was the clear fucking winner. Right? I think so, yeah. If I remember correctly. Why did I feel like he ended up getting with Brigitte Nielsen? She called him foofy. Oh, yeah. One of the worst nicknames ever.

There was nothing about him that was foofy. No. I love when he tried stopping a fight like he when he was the voice of reason but with like viking horns on it was my favorite you always cut back to me you just go wow remember that wow i. I do remember that. He would be so like, but he was like a happy, like he was a type of guy that I feel like if you had a beer with Flavor Flav and you talked to him, he would just be fucking awesome. Yeah.

Did you ever get into that shit you like start rooting for like a celebrity couple? There's like something about them you just root for them. I was actually rooting for Shaq and Hoops. They look like they were both silly, laughing, having a great fucking time. And when they broke up, I actually got bummed out. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on with me? Like what's missing in my life right now? My wife does that. Like my wife loves Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez was like, like she was like over the moon when they got back together like winnipeg was when they got their fucking hockey team back she was like that level of excited uh dude i'm working on this thing i'm working on this thing now where and i don't

know if i should do it but i want to do it on stage where the dudes that I know, like I know, I just want to basically say a lot of the dudes in your life, your friends, their wives can be annoying when you hear this. You know, you got to ask the general, got to see what the general says. Right. And I got a lot of friends, dude. And this is when I don't know if I could do. I got a lot of friends who have wives who were like a decade or more younger. So I want to compare like when the friend is at Duke, she's fucking in sixth grade. And then I want to say something that he's doing.

And then something she's doing. I go, gotta ask the general. You gotta ask the general you gotta ask the general and then have him be like dude i just i'm trying to get my masters man i gotta get and she's like she's doing too many crayons you gotta ask the general that's the general and i actually i actually say gotta ask the boss to my friend i do but when i don't want to do something i just act like I'm not, I act like my wife isn't cool. I go, I got to ask the boss first. My wife, my wife is like

literally pushing me out of the house. It's just beyond me. And I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but it is beyond me that a grownup, a grown man has to say, can't say, Hey, I'm going to do this. And then when the person goes, well, what do you mean? Like, no, no, I'll take care of the thing. But after I take care of dinner and everything, I'm going here and then have to like, have to fight that. I don't understand that. And I'm, and, and by the way, I have to, I still have to fight. Like, I'm not saying I don't have to fight. As a matter of fact, the reason why I came up with this is because I have to have an explanation. I would love my wife to go have a girls' night.

You know, have fun. You know, have fun. Go, go to the casino. Yeah, that's how my wife looks at it. Because if I'm having a guys' night, that means I'm not home. She can have a ladies' night. Yeah. I will say, though, I think those guys who go, hey, you know, got to ask the general, got to ask the boss,

those guys who have completely capitulated like they're the happiest married guys ever but i think a lot of them though kind of wanted that like they wanted like i feel like those are the guys where they're like not looking for a wife as much as they're looking for another mother not looking for a wife as much as they're looking for another mother. Like, I just give you the money, you fucking. I mean, I don't even know what's going on. That's that old Bill Cosby bit where it's like, that's a genius. Because they're doing that thing where they're acting like they're dumb.

And then they're giving her all the power so she can feel comfortable that she's running everything. And then he doesn't have to deal with anything. You and I both do the same thing, though, ordering a UFC fight. I got to call the general. You know me. I can't just look at a screen and fucking follow these simple instructions. Actually, I can get it. No, dude, my wife does the manlier shit.

My wife will put the fucking. One time I said, Stacy, give me a second. I'm going to help you with the Christmas tree. Give me a second. And, dude, she managed to hold this fucking Christmas tree and get it in the stand and screw it in without me. And I go, why did you? And she was like, I just wanted to get it done now.

And I was like, all right. She moved couches and shit. It's like, all right. So I was fucking you know i mean it's not a bad thing paul no no listen i wish my wife would do shit like that she doesn't even bring in the trash barrels paul they're empty plastic containers on wheels and for some reason she's acting like that's like a guy job like you can't do that i mean things like lighter than a stroller hey ask me if you if i want to get a cigar with you tonight hey paul yeah tonight you want to go grab a stick oh that was okay gotta ask the general though i'd

love to i would really love to because i could use one but if she says no, I guess it's no. It's like, no, I'm going to Smokers to Go. You know what's funny, too, is but they're happy, Paul, because there's a bliss. No, she said no, so I got to stay home. Yeah, yeah. What is that? Did you not want to go anyway? Because that's the only time I'd say that.

See, I'm a dummy where I'll go, yeah, like if you ask me that question, you go, hey, Paul, man, do you want to go anyway? Because that's the only time I say that. See, I'm a dummy where I'll go, yeah. Like, if you ask me that question, you go, hey, Paul, man, do you want to go out? I'll be like, yeah, dude, I'll meet you and Themis. I say, yeah, and then I say it. And then she goes, but you can't because we have this. And then I go, cancel that. And then it's a fight. Stupid.

Yeah, I kind of do the same thing. It's stupid. You said you were going to do this. It's like, no problem. I can fucking drop you off. and then I'll go do that. But I thought she was going to be at the event with us. Yeah. I'll get there towards the end.

Come on. You know I always say something dumb when I'm there. No, I'll be like 20 minutes. I'm going to just take care of it, but I'm going to be there. We always do that. Like, I'll show up. Oh, by the way wait for me the second i get there anyways what's the difference if i'm fucking there or not

yeah uh because they love us they just want us there bill um guess what tonight is tonight is the first practice of me as an assistant coach for my fifth grade daughter's basketball team and dude we just pictured you throwing your hat down the court. No, no, no. I got drills. It's funny. The girls love me because I'm just like, I'm one of those where I go, look, I don't care if you don't.

I'll give you a speech I'm going to give tonight. You ready? When the coach says, I'm going to go, guys, I was thinking about this in the car today when I got my coffee. I go, guys, I want everybody to know on this team, I don't care if you make a mistake. As long as you make a mistake trying to be better and helping your teammates, that's when you should make a mistake. It's the people that don't make mistakes that play it safe that aren't going to be playmakers. So don't be afraid. You make a

mistake. It's fine. How about that one? Does the head coach know that you've designated time for a speech or is he just going to be like? I'm going to say like if he throws it my way and I'm always going to keep my speeches down to like 15 seconds. As you undo everything that he says. And remember, let's do this the way we practice it all week. Paul, what are you going to say? Hey, I don't give a fuck what we didn't practice this week. As long as you're out there trying.

The guy just said, hey, Paul, come on. You give a fuck a little bit, right? Paul's practicing in his car, but then right when he starts to talk, the coach just blows his whistle. Okay, let's get out there. We're not going to play scared on this team, okay? Fear never did anything. We're not going to play scared, okay? scared on this team okay fear never did anything we're not gonna play scared okay all of a sudden like hey paul dude i was gonna say that i was

i actually i actually had the i was queued up for the fear thing let's not take any stupid fouls either hey i don't give a fuck if you foul out tonight all right as long as you got your fucking. A game out there. Are you going to undo everything he says? Oh, dude, I got it. I'm going to take a picture of me. I'll have Stacy take a picture of me coaching on the court while the girls are running down. And do this.

This is the first year. Fifth and sixth grade girls. They're running full court, dude. They're going five on five. It's going to be great, paul because you understand how to connect with people and then you have that need to be liked so you're not going to be a dick about it you know well i don't want even if you're getting somebody's grill you're still going to do it in a good way dude one dad was fucking hilarious one dad goes dude i heard you got you know you got

my daughter and i go yeah and just joking because he knows i'm a comic and he's a funny guy he goes listen i just want you to know you could get physical i just want to put that up bartnick said that to his kiss his uh said don't be easy on her don't be really make her play the game yeah won't be good just let him know that he could coach her he wasn't saying abuse her he's just like fucking teach her how to play the goddamn game how funny would it be if I go guys listen this is and the coach his name is Bill

too but guys this is coach Bill's team I'm just the assistant you need any help you talk to me this is his team but tonight I just go into my I like it better if you plagiarize the famous fucking head coach's speech.

Oh my God. The girls are too young to know whose it is, but the head coach knows. New Brockney from the Notre Dames. I just give the Notre Dame speech verbatim. They might beat us any night of the week, but not tonight. You do the Lake Placid one.

Oh, did I cut out? Did I freeze? Verzi froze. I think you froze there, Verzi. Let's wrap this up, dude, because I'm going to have a coughing fit that I don't want to put. Did I freeze? Am I right? All right.

We're going to wrap up. What time are we at, Andrew? We're good? I got it? All right. We're going to wrap up. What time are we at, Andrew? We're good? I got it. All right. We're good to wrap up, right? Yes. Yeah.

Okay. Well, this has been a fun- Hey, Paul, listen. I don't care if you wrap it up or if you keep going. As long as you're on that microphone trying to tell some jokes. Dude, how funny would it be? Guys, guys, I don't care if we make mistakes and he comes in, but we don't want him.

Hold on a second. I don't care. If you guys need to foul, just, guys, we don't want to foul. Listen, I know it's a team sport, but if you're feeling it, you know, a shooter shoots. Just two completely different philosophies we don't suck we just gotta start hitting our threes uh all right man well guys this is oh man this was such a fun one um this has been uh anything better episode 72 like i said get anything better where you get

all your podcasts spotify itunes got a big tour coming up uh oh december 10th i'll be at the fairfield comedy club working a new hour two shows december 10th fairfield comedy club and january 28th guys toronto toronto canada i am doing the royal theater in toronto canada it's about 400 seats i need you guys to come out tell people i'm bringing a new hour tell everybody about that and uh for all other tour dates of next year, go to paulverzi.com. Bill, check out Bill. Bill has six dates left. Bill has six dates left of his fucking-

And then that's it. I have nothing on the books, Paul. I have nothing. I'm taking some time off. This movie's going to be done. I'm going to have to promote it and all of that stuff. But I am taking a well-deserved- Listen to me, Paul.

I'm fucking sick here. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know what? You still look good. And you know what? Thanks, Paul. You deliver, always. All right, guys.

This is till episode 73. We are out of here. Take care. Good to see you. Good luck tonight with your Patriots. Let's go, Pats, dude. Maybe I might take the points, okay? All right, talk to you guys later. Thank you.