Aware & Aggravated - 66. Doing What's Right Even When It Hurts

Episode Date: March 5, 2023

In this episode Leo shares a personal experience with a  love interest he recently had to end things with even though it hurt. He shares his experience, how he navigated it, and his tips for always handling things in the best way. He also shares how to take care of yourself and the emotions that come up, and how to truly comfort yourself through these painful situations. Doing what's right won't seem  hard after you hear this, and you'll learn how to be certain with any decision you make. ✅ FOLLOW ME HERE:https://www.instagram.com/theleoskepi https://www.tiktok.com/@leoskepi 👕 MERCH https://shopleoskepi.com/collections/all-products📱 MY APP POSITIVE FOCUS Apple: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/positive-focus/id1559260311Google: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.positivefocusapp 🔒 MY PRIVATE FACEBOOK SUPPORT COMMUNITY https://www.facebook.com/groups/851294735925522/ 💎 1-ON-1 COACHING AND MENTORSHIP*Taking on new clients again soon.📝 ACCOUNTABILITY TEMPLATES/WORKSHEETS https://leoskepitemplates.com

Is the natural sunlight making me look fucked up or is it giving cute? Like is it giving like yeah, it looks good or we look stupid? I can't tell Hi friends, so this week we're talking about how to do what's right even when it hurts and I got a personal Example to share with you and the reason we're talking about it is because I'm going through it. I met a guy Recently and we all know that I do not meet people. I do not date. I don't like that shit But I ended up meeting someone that I really connected with and everything was going great It was peaches and cream and then I ended up having to cut it off and it was a very hard decision to make So I'm gonna share everything in this episode about doing what's right

Finding out which decision is the right one to make how to make it and then how to comfort yourself after Because dealing with the consequences even when you do the right thing, when it fucking hurts, that's some people don't tell you about. So I've got you, I'll tell you how I dealt with my self-fingued. So before we jump into this, my birthday is next week. I'm gonna be 25. I'm giving old fucking geezer. I know I look 40, shut up.

It's the trauma. It aged me. But for my birthday, I'm dropping a very limited merch design. It's gonna be a t-shirt and a hoodie that's say in Leo we trust It's only gonna be available for my birthday the 24 hours of March 7th Mark your fucking calendar bitch cuz I don't know if they're gonna sell out I don't know we'll see if they sell out if they do sorry But it's only gonna be available for 24 hours even if they don't sell out So you only got 24 hours to get it.

So it's gonna be midnight to midnight of March 7th. The link will be in the description to get one, if you want one. But I like the idea of doing something very limited for my birthday. Like if you're around at this time, like you get it. Like if you fuck with me like that, it's like, oh, we have like a little piece of like

our like journey together, you know? Cause my shit's like blowing up right now So it's like I want to have a way to like know who was like around and I've talked about doing that design before and you guys love it But I wanted to make it special so it's only gonna be for my birthday I will be posting about it on Instagram and TikTok and all that so if you forget I'll remind you But set it in your fucking calendar bitch because last time I did a drop I had 200 orders in the first 20 minutes and girl. If my birthday is anything like that, we're selling out.

So before we jump into me talking about the guy, I'm gonna tell you a couple of really hard decisions that I've had to make in my life because I've had to do it a lot since I'm very young. This is a skill I learned very early on handling adult situations and making very hard decisions from a very young age. And the first one started when I was 12 and I chose to move out of my mom's house and move in with my dad. There's so much taken to consideration and to be at such a young age to have to do that shit, girl, that was just the beginning of it. Because when I was 16, I moved out of my dad's and back into my mom's. And then when I was 17, I moved out of my mom's again and back into my dad's house.

And every single time, it's such a hard fucking thing to navigate. And it's such a hard thing to do. And it's a very hard decision to make. Because when you have your parents like that and they're split, they kind of take it as like a betrayal. Or at least like one of mine did, they would make it like this huge fucking betrayal of like picking the other one over the other.

So along with making the hard decision of what was best for little me at the time, every time I'd have to choose which household to go to, it came with repairing the relationships with my parents. So there's a lot of reasons why that was a very hard decision to make constantly. But then my senior year of high school, I wanted a fresh start and I wanted to just kind of like, say, fuck it and change school.

So my senior year of high school, I literally switched to a whole new school, whole new everything and didn't know anybody, didn't know anything, and I did it. It was a hard decision to make, but my tolerance for making hard decisions is very high. And I don't regret that decision at all, but it was very scary. And there's a lot of decisions people want to make. There's a lot of things you guys write into me about and ask like what to do. And I want to share some of the hard decisions that I've made so you can get like inspiration, but also know that I'm credible to talk about this shit with you. But another hard decision I had to make was quitting my first nursing job. And I went through

nursing school, graduated, started working where I precepted. So basically at the end of nursing school, you work in a hospital for six months for free under a nurse, but you're basically doing all the nursing responsibilities. It's just not on your license. And then when you graduate, you can go work wherever you want. Typically, people get hired on where they precept and that's what I did. So I started working with who I precepted with and that department at that hospital. And coming to the decision to leave that job

after literally like three weeks, I think, I think it was like a month. I made it a month as an actual nurse there, but like when I was a student there, it was way different. So I basically was there for seven months. I worked there six months for free, not as like an official nurse. And then when I was a nurse, I will ask it a month.

And coming to the decision to fucking leave that job was the scariest fucking shit. It was like, it felt like everything I worked for to get through nursing school was there, and I had to choose to leave it because I wasn't happy with it. But honoring the way that you fucking feel will never bite you in the ass.

But you can't just blindly trust your feelings. You have to be very logical. That's what I'm saying. I'm gonna help you with everything I share in this. How to make the right decision. Another fucking hard decision, probably the hardest one I've ever made in my life, was to choose to leave an X of mine, who was able to give me a lifestyle I've always dreamed of. So like, spending $100,000 a month flying all over the world, eating the nicest shit, buying the nicest shit. Like anything that you could fucking dream of as living it. And that was probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make was to choose to leave that person because it was leaving that lifestyle too. And a lot of people think

that making a decision is just like, oh, you lose one aspect. There's so much more that goes into it. I'm going to teach you how to handle all of it. that was a really hard fucking decision. Am I happy? I made it now? Yes Was I happy for the first year after I left? Fuck no, it felt like the wrong decision. I felt like a fucking idiot But I stuck to my values stuck to what mattered to me and got myself out of a very bad situation Even though it was so fruitful and then the last little decision that I wanted to talk about that I made was choosing to quit nursing entirely and pursue all of my own personal dreams

and desires and things and it's worked the fuck out. So let's jump in and talking about the guy I met. You can tell I'm avoiding it. So when I was in LA, I met this guy. And we hit it off from the immediate moment that we met each other. It was like one of those like you just feel it. And like the feelings was intense bitch. Like everything

was just good. The chemistry was there. The conversation was there. The kissing was there. Like everything was fucking great. We didn't kiss till like the second or third night. But this guy met was like really fucking cool. We vibed very well and it takes a lot to catch my attention. And this motherfucker definitely caught it and Feelings came to my Pisces. I be funny in love in two seconds But this was all heightened like everything I was feeling about this person and about this situation was heightened because it was someone I also saw value in it was someone who's like in the lifestyle I'm in and like doing all the shit that I do someone that gets it and like And like the way that we connected was just like, weird. Like it was so crazy

how fucking good it was. And I've been single for the last two years. And something that I, was it like two and a half? Wow, two and a half years has been. What the fuck? I was traumatized. But I truly forgot how good it feels to have someone you're interested in romantically. Like just that connection and the feelings and all the romantic shit, like everything on that front, I forgot how good it is. And when I got it again, my picky ass who I am now, it's like when I finally met someone that matched it,

I was like, what the fuck? Like it was nuts. And it was just like, I forgot how overwhelming and good it feels to have a person. But basically, we were compatible on all fronts. Like everything was fucking great. But there is one thing about myself I didn't know fully yet. And usually I'm into masculine guys.

That's my fucking preference, that's my type. Myself is my type. Myself just shorter. And you can have hair. But the guy that I met was not masculine. that was the only real hang up that I had, but I was so overwhelmed by how I felt toward him, I was blinded by it. And it made me question if I even had that hang up. Like is masculinity really something that I'm after because of how good I felt and like the way

that shit was I was like I can't overlook it and I literally was like having to call into question is this even something I'm hung up about like it made me question myself and what I like and what I prefer and what I desire and feeling so many things so fast made me think I didn't care about it and I fully was just like in the moment and was just fucking feeling it and had a good ass time. No, we did not have sex. Nothing like that happened. The most we did was like make out in cuddle. I don't fuck like that.

And I make that very clear to everyone that I meet. You don't get access to me like that. It takes a lot. And it takes me getting to know somebody and like a lot more than that. You know, it's a commitment I made to myself and you don't just get access to them more. Nobody, I'm gonna go the fuck.

But when I was in LA, we hung out every fucking day I was there. And then when I came home from LA, we were texting and talking on the phone all the fucking time and like four hours a night, I was talking to them on the phone. And we were having like deep ass conversations. And that shit that like gets me off

is like when someone can keep up mentally, he keep up and a lot of people are scared to talk about certain topics and deep things he was with it he liked it just as much as I did and I was so taken back like what the fuck like you mentally stimulating me oh my god that's hard but also with that like having someone to talk to and feel cared about and feel checked in on and like having the excitement to like talk to somebody that's about and feel checked in on and like have any excitement to like talk to somebody that's something that I didn't realize that I missed. I forgot about that.

Like I said, I've been single for two and a half years. There's a lot of things that came up that I forgot how great they were and I forgot how strong those feelings were. But one of the biggest things that I miss about like having a person is someone to call when you're upset and like get comfort. Like comfort from your partner or like your person that you're interested in or dealing with, that feels so good. I don't know how to fucking explain it, but like I have plenty of people I can call.

I call my mom, call my sister, call my friends. Like I have people I can go through for comfort. I just forgot what it's like to have like an intimate person comfort you. And it's good, it's different, it's nice. I didn't realize I missed it. But now going through such a long period of being single, I appreciate these things when I have them even more. So this whole situation was just like,

too good to fucking be true. And I was so into it and I was like eating it out. But the way we communicated was so fucking adult and mature and like, like I said, he kept up mentally. He kept up with everything and was just able to hang. Like the emotional maturity, like the conversation style, the communication, like everything was just like on my level,

which is extremely hard to find, like according to my past, I don't know if it's hard to find, but I ain't found a shit for a goddamn while. Well actually I haven't found it. It is hard to find, but basically he asked me one night, like everything was great and he asked me and was like, will you give me your word that if something comes up where you no longer want to like pursue things romantically and get to know each other like that, just tell me. And I said yes, like I'll give you my word that if something comes up I'll tell you but I don't see anything right now. And we both expressed how much we liked each other and

everything was so like literally fucking perfect. But I did give him my word that if something came up, I would tell him and then something came up. So one night when we were talking he asked me if there was anything he needed to be concerned about dealing with me in a romantic way and I said the only real concern that I have, not that you need to be concerned about anything but the only thing going on with me, I was just honest about the way that I was feeling was typically my type is masculine guys but I'm starting to question if that really even matters because of like the way I feel toward you. So like the only thing I would think is like once all the excitement wears off and the whole like overwhelming feelings thing settles down and we get more logical,

is that gonna come back up? I don't know, but I will keep you posted and like tell you as I find out because I wasn't fully 100% set and like okay, I like masculine guys because of how strong the feelings were It made me question it But after we talked about it everything was fine like the whole thing of like me becoming aware of shit Didn't set into the couple days later. So I was still happy It's could be love talking to him and like hanging down and like face time. You know, it's so cute After a few days my concern started to set in about the masculinity thing.

Because the whirlwind of emotions was calming down and like I was on a high from going to LA and like everything that fucking happened, literally life changing. Then meeting him was a high and it was like all these huge emotions were like so up in the air and so much was going on in LA.

I didn't have time to process shit. So when I got back home and I finally could like check it with myself and like for a second and like sort through what I was feeling and thinking my logical side kicked back in and that's when the masculinity concern came back up and I was like fuck like Leo like I really think you do prefer masculine guys. And that preference isn't wrong or bad. Like it's just a preference of mine and it's a desire of mine. It's what I'm attracted to. I can't fucking control what I'm attracted to and what I'm not. Because if I could, I would. I wouldn't like men. But basically after sitting down and thinking and like assessing the way that I'm feeling like a separate from

everything else what I like what I desire is masculinity and a guy if I'm gonna date you. So once I was certain and all that awareness hit me in the fucking head I was just like god damn it because everything is so fucking difficult when you're aware. Like when you are more aware everything seems more difficult because you have so much more to take into consideration. You're aware of all of the parts of like the moving piece, not just like your part. But once I knew masculinity was non-negotiable for me, a big sense of doom and guilt set in.

Because I knew I'd have to end it. And I really didn't fucking want to because like I said It felt so good and all of the emotional feelings and the mental things were still there It was just a matter of like a physical hang up where I wasn't really gonna be attracted To him physically, but like everything else was connected and there and it was the weirdest kind of like mind fuck where nothing had gone wrong and nothing was like bad and I still felt such strong feelings for him It was just a matter of my new awareness and

What I was gonna choose to do because of it But the doom feeling and the feeling of like dread was like fuck if I do decide to end things I'm gonna have to like cut off all these good feelings that I have now Like having someone to talk to and all the romantic shit that I talked about that I missed so much This all made me realize how much I missed it and now I was like potentially gonna have to get rid of it and like Cut all that off that fucking sucks and it's not that going back to being single and like not entertaining anyone is bad I like that because I'm busy, but This whole situation made me aware of a lot of voids

I didn't know that I had and things that I would like to experience So it's like okay. I had this fucking void come to my awareness full and Then I have new awareness that makes me want to change the situation. And now I have this fucking void. I didn't know that I had. And I'm about to have to fucking empty it. Ah! So here was my thought process around coming to the decision around ending things or just continuing forward. So basically I asked myself how long are you gonna be selfish? Now that you know this person is not someone you would ever like fully date,

how long you're gonna be selfish? Because to keep going forward, yeah, you get all these positive emotions, you get to feel all these things, you get to have the safety of knowing it's gonna end so you don't get too attached. You're gonna have this person getting attached to you and it's gonna feel good for you.

But you feeling good is at the expense of them. So how long are you gonna be selfish? How long are you gonna allow this to go on? Because now I'm a fucking piece of shit if I let it go on too long. And when you truly care about other people, a lot of people have a fucked up version of love and caring about someone. When you truly care for someone, you cannot feel joy at their expense. If you know the person you care about is going to be hurt or is hurt, you cannot feel joy at the same time. That's a giant disconnect.

There has to be so much disconnected in between you for you to be on such different pages. If you truly care about someone, you hold the way that they feel right next to how you feel. So if something's fucking with them, it's fucking with you. So there's not gonna be any, you feel good, they feel bad when you truly care. So you know how I always overthink things and I read too much into shit?

This is where I read into the situation and got very clear about the reality of it. Because your decision you need to make becomes very clear when you face the fucking truth of it. Because in this situation what was truly going to happen was like a choose to make myself be okay with him even though it doesn't fit my standards and make him enough and live with that. And that means in the collecting the desire that I have and living with that.

Or I can choose to cut it off and then deal with all of the painful emotions that are gonna come from losing all of this. Both sides are painful. Which pain that I wanna choose. And that is something you need to fucking get about making any decision. There is pain on both sides, you're just not seeing one of them.

So that's when you feel like torn, is you don't see the truth of each side. So when I looked at it like torn, as you don't see like the truth of each side. So when I looked at it like that, I was like fuck, because it put me in a position of choose him or choose myself. I could choose to honor my desire and honor the part of me that is attracted to masculine men, or I can discard it and go for him. It became a me or him situation and I will never fucking pick someone over myself again Everyone can eat shit me and little Leo come first I talk about myself like multiple parts because I fucking am me my little protector aspect

That's another one No one will come between us because anyone I've let come between me and myself and all the parts of me has Fucking ruined everything and fucked all of us up So I've got me and all my little parts and no one's getting in the way of that. I've made a commitment to myself a long time ago, I will never choose someone else over myself again and that's fucking standing until my day I die.

Unless I have a kid, didn't they come first? But this is a point I really want to fucking drive home. When you become aware of shit like this in a decision, it becomes very, very clear what decision you have to make. So I knew at this point, like I knew I had to cut it off because for me to neglect my desire and not take myself into consideration and choose him and force myself to be okay with it and have that void in me for the rest of my life is living out of alignment with myself and when I desire. Like you're supposed to live in line with your desires and what you want, what you value. And for me to neglect part of myself is living

out of alignment for authenticity. And that is one of my biggest commitments for this fucking life. So after all that, I knew I had to fucking cut it off. And was it fucking hard, bitch. Yes. And with realizing all this, it put me in a whole different reality. How before I was like, Oh, I might have to cut it off me in a whole different reality how before I was like Oh, I might have to cut it off now I knew I did have to cut it off because I faced the reality of the entire situation and it put me in a whole new one My relationship with myself was on the line my character and my values were being tested Was I gonna act in line with them or not and you best believe I fucking did so I knew I had to call him

And if I wasn't person I would have done it in person, because I would have given him a hug so that he knew how much I did care and can feel it, you know what I mean? But I couldn't, so I had to face time. And I was so fucking anxious for the call, and I knew what I had to do, and I felt so bad because I knew I was gonna hurt him.

But lying was not an option. I don't do that. I had to be very straight up and honest like I said authenticity. You gotta be fucking real. You gotta tell the truth even when it hurts you or them. And this situation it was gonna hurt both of us. Like I said I'm gonna have to literally get rid of all these great things I've just experienced and like the feelings that I didn't know that I missed. But also I was gonna have to hurt him. It was a double edged fucking sword, but when my relationship with myself was on the line,

I'm fine throwing it. We'll both get cut. And one thing about me is when I start feeling anxious, I'll just do what the fuck I need to do. So I was so anxious for this call and I was like, oh, I call my mom, I call my sister, I called all my friends and was like, oh, I have to do it. And they were like, yeah, you have to fucking do it.

Like this is who you are are like act in line with it And I was like I'm going to I just don't want to so I was like all right I'm gonna call in tonight and it was like 3 p.m. And like as the day was going on I was just more and more anxious about it So I was like fuck it just call him now so I text them asked if he was free and called him immediately was I ready? No, was I fucking wanting to have this conversation? No. But I just did it instead of waiting.

Like instead of forcing myself to deal with that anxiety and like the all day long, I wanted to like relieve myself from it so I just face the fucking challenge up front. Like let's just get it over with. And one thing is he was having a good day. Like when he answered the phone, he was having such a good day and I felt so bad

because I was like fuck I have to ruin it But basically I told him straight up and honestly What was going on what I felt and what it meant like it's not gonna go forward anymore In a romantic way and I was very honest like just genuine and honest I was sure I didn't sugarcoat shit But I said things in a way where he knew it wasn't about him and nothing's wrong with him For being this way. It's just my preference. You know what I mean? Like you have to be

Considerate and I wanted to make sure he didn't start beating himself up And I wanted to make sure anything he was thinking I could clear it up before he made an assumption or like a judgment I would hurt himself and then run with it like I wanted to prevent him from turning the knife at himself for like not being good enough XYZ. I don't fucking like that shit. So we had a really good conversation and he handled it very well and he appreciated the honesty, but I didn't ghost him and I didn't lie

and make up some excuse. And I'm gonna tell you why. First with ghosting, if you just like, remove yourself out of someone's life, it's gonna fuck them up bad. And like I said, you can't do something to someone if you truly care about them knowing it's gonna hurt them and walk away being fine. So to go someone gives you no closure, it gives you no explanation and someone's brain

is just gonna run fucking free trying to find all of the reasons why it could have ended or what happened or what was wrong. And if you're insecure, your brains automatically can jump to all of your insecurities. Ghosting someone literally traps them in like hell, their own personal hell of questioning over evaluating, over analyzing, and it will run your brain fucking stupid. So I didn't want to do that to him. And then to lie to him and make some kind of excuse for like why we couldn't be together or why I wasn't looking for a relationship or any bullshit like that. Is it would do kind of the same thing of like leaving him wondering and

attacking himself like why he wasn't good enough or like if I was good enough Leo would make time for me. So for me to just go about oh I'm not ready for a relationship. That's an excuse because if someone's good enough and they value you enough they'll make time for you and I preach that shit and I stand on that shit so I wasn't gonna just say that because he would have been like oh I was enough but I wasn't good enough to date like I wasn't worth putting the effort into and I didn't want him to have that because that sends you on the scavenger hunt of oh what's wrong's wrong with me? Why wasn't I enough? Why didn't he like me that much? And I also reassured him that this conversation was very hard for me to have and I didn't want to end

things and I didn't want to like lose the connection that we had because it felt so fucking good and like the same way he felt I felt and I reassured him of that. I was like, you're not the only one hurt by this and it fucking pains me to say it and I don't wanna do this, but I have to look out for you. And I don't wanna hurt you more than I have to. Like for me to tell him as soon as I became aware of it would hurt him a little bit. But for me to just go months down the line and let him get more and more attached

and us keep like being a thing and like I'm over here kind of like detached because I know it's not going to go everywhere but he's getting attached. I have to fucking crush him in the future. So the quicker I could get it out was sparing him and me because you do get invested no matter how like long things go. But I made it very clear that my decision was like to look out for both of us and especially him. And it caused me a lot of discomfort and a lot of pain to even fucking say this and do this. But like, but I made it very clear it was in both of our best interests. And he really appreciated it. But honestly, when you're trying to make a decision about something,

when you look at the true reality of the situation, it makes it a lot less enjoyable. Because I was so blind with all of my good feelings and all this shit, and I was just able to like freely just blindly run into it and feel all these good things. But when I truly sat down and looked at the reality of the situation, how I'm getting enjoyment, but he's on the line. Like his feelings are at the expense of me feeling good.

When you see that, it becomes a lot less enjoyable. You can't just blindly just go and like feel good and be a happy dick. You're a fucking dick if you go along with it. But you have to wake up. That's why like looking into shit and reflecting is so important. And going forward with all the new awareness that I had of him being at the expense, for me to just keep it to myself and talk to him like normal. It's no longer gonna feel good to talk. It's no longer gonna feel good to have him in my life knowing this shit in the back of

my head. Because it comes with guilt. Like the longer I go along, I knew I was gonna hurt him worse. So even for me to just continue talking again like nothing happened, he didn't know what was going on in my head. But a relationship is a commitment to communicate. Speak the fuck up. Don't get in one if you're not ready to communicate, even if it's what's going on inside you,

your partner deserves a fuck of no, because for them to get romantically involved with you, you're both on the line. But I couldn't have just kept talking to him without feeling guilt, without feeling like shit, and I didn't want to have to deal with that. But that's where I said I shifted into a whole new reality once I became aware of all this. My life before where I was blind and happy was gone Once I became aware of like my true desire I was like fuck and like switched me into a new reality where I'm like Shit, you know there was no going back. There was no going back to what we had and

How things were like once that awareness is there? It's there and that's why I always say awareness is a fucking curse It's a bitch,, it's there. And that's why I always say awareness is a fucking curse. It's a bitch, but it's a blessing. But it's just hard to see it sometimes. But it's really easy to try and just focus on the good times. And if someone is not aware, they're gonna try and like, focus on the good times

and focus on how it felt when we were first together. And discard the fact that, like, you're not into them, physically, for like like the masculine, the aspect, they're just going to try and jump back and think, oh, if I just don't tell them I can keep having this, you're checked out of the way that you feel if you can do that. But basically, I had to accept the new position I was in and base my decisions off of that. Not what could have been and not what we did have. It's like I had

to get square in the reality of right now. Once I realized this desire of mine is not one that's negotiable, it put me in a whole new standpoint and you have to make your decision based off of that reality. Not a past one, not how good things were, not what it could be, not how can I talk myself out of this desire and make myself just accept him and like him? How can I neglect myself to go forward? Don't waste time doing that shit. When you want something you can't not want it There's no way around it. You're desire is your desire for a fucking reason you can't get rid of it You can meet it in certain other ways

But you can't unwant something and it's just gonna cause you more and more pain if you go against it So the only option you have if you truly want to have a good life and be happy is to follow that shit. So I have one more thing to say and then I'm gonna tell you how I comforted myself through this situation because I boohoo'd like a bitch. Flip the rolls. If you don't know what decision to make right now or you don't know what to do about something, flip the rolls. How would you want someone to handle you if you were in the opposite position? So like if he became aware that he only likes feminine guys and doesn't like masculine guys or he doesn't like guys who are six foot seven my big ass He's like, oh, I like guys who are short

What I want him to make some excuse and Lie to me so it saved my feelings or what I want him to Ghost me No, and when you make up a lot of trying to save someone feeling you actually hurt them worse. Like I said, you send them on that goose chase of like trying to figure out why they're not good enough. What I appreciate, if homeboy would have just came to me

and said, I like shorter guys, I would get it. Like I would fully appreciate that way more. So that's another way I knew I needed to make that decision. I knew I needed to do it, but that's just a good way to know how to handle something is flip it. How would you want to handle it if you were on the receiving end? So the night that I ended things, um, when I got off the phone, I felt relieved that I handled the situation, right? But it lasted like a few hours of like feeling okay, and then at night I got very, very sad, because that was the time that I typically would like talk to him for four hours. And a big thing people don't realize about relationships or dealing with someone

romantically or anything like that, you get into routine of talking to someone and having that person in a certain spot in your life. And when they're out of it, you're still used to that routine. So it's just going to take you a minute of building a new routine and adjusting to their absence before it becomes okay. It's gonna be uncomfortable for a minute, but as soon as you get out of the habit of talking to someone and living with someone and interacting with someone, you don't only think about them that much. You're gonna think about them a lot until you break that. But that time came where I usually would call him and I just got super fucking sad. And so I tapped into the shit. I put on some sad ass music, put on some Ethyl Cain,

and I just fucking like laid on the couch, and I was like, lily, you're not crying over this. But I was just sitting there, and I was running through everything in my head, and I knew I handled it right. But I still had the feeling of like loss, because I did just lose something that I valued a lot. And the thing that sent me over the edge

and made me start fucking bawling was that I hurt him and I knew I had to and it was just part of it but I still just felt so bad that I had to hurt this person because they were very good to me like everything was great and I saw so much value in them and I'm like to have to hurt them I felt so bad about it but like I always say when you are emotional and you're upset, do not fucking act. Do not act. Do not do shit. Don't reach out to them.

Don't talk to them. Don't fucking post on social media. Lay your ass in the couch and fucking cry. Put on some music. Put it up louder and fucking cry. Do not act when you're highly emotional because you're not rational. How'd I want to text them? It would have made shit just way worse. I had to just get myself through this wave

of heavy ass sadness. And the more you do this, the more you'll get better at comforting yourself. So like I was literally just sitting on the couch and I was just like thinking like I'm so sorry that I fucking hurt you. And I was having to talk to myself and comfort myself and tell myself it was okay.

And I was like I'm just feel so fucking bad. And I was like talking to myself, like I know, like I know I'm sorry. And like being there for yourself will change everything for you. As soon as you can kind of like do the two points of perspective and comfort yourself, shit. Everything changes.

And I literally like just fucking boo-hooed and cried and was sad and I felt through it. I didn't try to get away from it. I just felt it all I let myself just fucking cry it out and get these feelings out Just let that energy just purge itself and then I felt better and I got up and I had a little snack and then I did some work and then I went to bed and I haven't cried about it again because I felt it fully and I'm so relieved and so happy with how I handle that situation.

Like looking back now, I know it was hard, and while I was going through it, it was so fucking difficult, but I do not regret it at all. I know I heard him, but it was a matter of heard him a little or crush him in the future. And I'd rather just like take the little, I'll just hurt you a little, like I'm fucking sorry. But my confidence in myself has boosted too.

Like all my morals, all my character traits, everything that I value still stands because I act in in line with it. Had I gone against it, I'd feel like dog shit, and I would be so worried. But now I get to have no guilt, because I handled it right. I have no guilt or worry that anyone can go and talk bad about me, or talk down on my character. You fucking can't. You could try it. Everybody knows you're full of fucking shit. And I'm not talking at the person. He don't even watch my shit.

But I'm not talking at them. I'm just saying like anyone who's gonna try and talk bad about me, try it bitch. Try it. My character just speaks for itself. Who I am. The interactions that I have. The shit that I do, the shit that I say, people just get it. Like, I am so the opposite of what people say about me, everybody knows to just ride it off. But I get that confidence that I always will do what's right, even if it fucking hurts. And I feel closer to myself. Like, every time I have a situation happen where I'm very emotional and I'm sad and I comfort myself, like I said, I talk to myself, I feel so much closer to myself and I comfort myself, like I said I talk to myself, I feel so much closer to myself

and I feel safer with myself and I feel safe that I will do things that are difficult and I will be there for myself when I go through them to help me get myself through them and I got myself through it and I'm happy about it, like I'm so happy with myself, I'm happy with everything really. I have no doubt, I have no guilt,

like I completely got to like put this situation to rest properly. And one thing I want to say is you will never regret looking out for people. So if you make a decision where you look out for someone, don't neglect yourself. Like look out for yourself, but look out for other people too. If you can find a solution or an answer that takes both people in a consideration, always pick that one. You don't want to just do what's best for you if you hurt someone else and you don't want to only do what's best for someone else if it hurts you. You have to take you both in a consideration, but you will never regret doing that. And one thing I want to say that I learned from my last

relationship, and I just fucking proved, bitch, I just fucking proved bitch I just fucking proved I learned don't do it to me again do not wait for someone to fuck up for you to cut things off if you become aware of something and you no longer want to be in a relationship take yourself and show yourself I'm getting the chills like I look like a plucked fucking chicken take yourself and show yourself you do not need to be hurt for me to do what's best for you you do not need to have someone hurt you for me to value the way that you feel if you no longer want to be in this relationship nothing has to happen for you to feel justified the way you feel is enough to be

taken into consideration and I will take you into consideration because with past relationships I would wait. Like I would come to the conclusion I want to get the fuck out and then I would just sit there and I would wait for you to do one last straw and I was out and do not do that. Do not fucking do that. It damages your relationship with yourself and it will completely fuck up the way that relationship ends because it's gonna be something small. So if you've been like tolerating shit and it's just building you're like one more thing and I'm fucking done with you. Typically it's an overreaction and you're jumping onto that one thing that they do wrong. So you look fucking crazy. Had you communicated the way that you actually felt, the person wouldn't feel so blindsided,

and that's one thing that's really important. Like, don't force yourself to be hurt to feel justified to leave. You're allowed to leave just because you don't want it, and because you don't feel fulfilled, or you don't feel happy, or you don't feel respected, or you don't feel pretty. And especially if you don't feel appreciated.

You're allowed to leave. You fully are allowed to leave. Just communicate it and talk about it and leave right. Don't wait for someone to fucking hurt you. To leave. I proved that I won't do that. So stop sending me situations like this. Bitch. But that's one really big point I want to bring up. Because the way that I feel right now is so much better than how I feel when You do get that one last straw and you get to end it off that like that

The justification through anger of someone doing something to you. You're like, yeah, now I'm done with you Fuck you. I'll cut all ties that only lasts so long the anger will only make you feel justified for so long, but when you come to a logical decision and act based off of that, you never have to think back. You properly deal with the situation. It's not like you just throw a bandaid on a fucking stab wound. I'm like, oh, like it's done. No, that's what that is.

When you wait for that last straw and then cut it off for that. That's not the right way to handle it. I've learned. So just take yourself into consideration, show yourself you care about the way that you feel and you will not stay somewhere or with someone that you don't want to be with. Do not neglect yourself for anyone. And that's all I got for this podcast episode.

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