Aware & Aggravated - 73. Your Days of People Pleasing Are Over

Episode Date: April 23, 2023

In this episode Leo shares how to stop being a people pleaser. He breaks down how this learned behavior starts, how to stop prioritizing everyone over yourself, and new ways to handle situations in your everyday life. This episode includes refreshing perspectives that will make you feel safe, confident, and READY to finally be your true self. Leo also prepares you for the backlash you'll face when you switch from only thinking of others, to adding yourself in the equation to be taken into consideration, and demanding it.  This episode will force you to see that you DO matter, and prevent you from feeling bad about believing that. Get ready for an entirely new way of life. ✅ FOLLOW ME HERE:https://www.instagram.com/theleoskepi https://www.tiktok.com/@leoskepi 👕 MERCH https://shopleoskepi.com/collections/all-products📱 MY APP POSITIVE FOCUS Apple: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/positive-focus/id1559260311Google: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.positivefocusapp 🔒 MY PRIVATE FACEBOOK SUPPORT COMMUNITY https://www.facebook.com/groups/851294735925522/ 💎 1-ON-1 COACHING AND MENTORSHIP*Taking on new clients again soon.📝 ACCOUNTABILITY TEMPLATES/WORKSHEETS https://leoskepitemplates.comBusiness Inquiries: [e-mail]

Hi friends, this week I'm coming at you a little sideways with this video because I'm going to tell you how to stop being a people pleaser and why it's hurting you. And the truth of the truth is if being a people pleaser worked, people would be pleased with you by now, but they're not because it doesn't work. You haven't been able to make people happy because being a people pleaser is not the way to do it. And I'm someone who suffered with being a people pleaser for so long. I have tried to become every single thing everyone ever could possibly want to love me

and it never worked. So first I got to break a couple things down and kind of like unlock your brain so I can feed new ideas into it. So I'm gonna go in a couple of explanations real quick and then I'm gonna jump in to giving you tips on how to actually stop being a people pleaser and how to navigate certain situations in life. But first on how to actually stop being a people pleaser and how to navigate certain situations in life.

But first things first, to stop being a people pleaser is to learn an entirely new way of living and going about life. You know life as a people pleaser. You know how to behave that way. You know a certain way of thinking and how you prioritize things and what you take into consideration. And the biggest thing with being a people pleaser that you've not learned how to consider is yourself. You know how to consider other people, but you don't know how to consider yourself.

So you moving into not being a people pleaser and completely changing everything, you have to realize what this is. It's not quick, it's not easy, it's not simple. You're about to have to change the entire way. You know how to live. You have to learn a whole new way of life. But the biggest thing to get about being a people pleaser is it is a way you have learned to be. And the reason you've landed on this video is because it no longer serves you. You take care of everybody else, but no one takes care of you. You're only going to be able to live in that for so long before you get pissed the fuck off. Hi,

I bet you are. So the first thing you have to dive into is how it came about that you became a people pleaser. And it's going to go back and start in childhood. I don't mean to sound like a wack ass fucking therapist. It's like, oh, it's all rooted in childhood drama. But this is a learned behavior that starts very young. Because when you're young, you will do anything for approval and acceptance and closeness with the adults in your life and the people around you.

When you are a child, you have no way of meeting needs for yourself. If you do not remain close to the caretakers in your life, if they like, discard you and don't take care of you, you don't know how to take care of yourself. So a lot of people don't understand that closeness is the number one need of a human fucking being. There's no way around it because you cannot take care of yourself when you are a baby. So a lot of people don't understand that closeness is the number one need of a human fucking being There's no way around it because you cannot take care of yourself when you are a baby If you don't do things right and appease the people around you to get your needs met They won't get met you will die

So your mind and body have been conditioned to have acceptance and approval be your number one priority And if being a people pleaser, got you acceptance, got you approval and got you looked at as good. That's a behavior that was positively reinforced when you do what I need from you. When you don't do anything that opposes what I need or what I want or what I feel, if that's a yes, you come close to me. If you have an opinion or if you have feelings that I don't like, or if you need something from me that's an inconvenience, I'm gonna push you away because it's an inconvenience.

So anything that got you pushed away, when you were younger, you've stopped showing to people. So like if you like something your parent didn't like, that caused a little bit of a conflict. If you had needs, and your parent didn't wanna meet them, or you needed something and they didn't wanna do it for you, that of a conflict. If you had needs and your parent didn't want to meet them or you needed something and they didn't want to do it for you, that caused the conflict. If you had feelings, like you were upset

or anything was going on with you and your parent got mad at you for voicing that, you learned to stop fucking talking about it. You learned to show only what got you closest to other people. And that's what a lot of people's personalities are built around and a lot of people pleases don't even know who the fuck they are. That's totally normal.

You've had to cut off from so much of who you truly are because it got you rejected. This is a behavior that helped you at one point in your life. And the reason you're frustrated with it now, and you see it as a problem now, is because you're no longer in the environment where that behavior and that way of being benefited you. But this is the biggest thing about learning to change behaviors.

Take the example of someone in prison. People have to learn a certain way of surviving in prison. That set of skills and that way of being saves you and makes sure you're okay in prison. When someone gets out of prison and they try and behave the exact same way they did while they were in prison and the outside world everything that helped them when they were in jail is going to hurt them when they get out.

It's going to cause chaos. It's going to be bad as fuck like you have to learn to adapt your behavior to your new environment. So the first thing is realize the behaviors you know no longer serve you because you are no longer in that environment You're not a kid anymore. You no longer have to depend on people's approval to stay alive And I want to give you a personal example from my life So my sister and I were basically raised like attack dogs like we were raised how you raised an attack dog to be by our dad We were basically raised to stay out of the way,

don't be inconvenient, sit there and shut up until I need you. When I need you and I call you, you drop absolutely everything you're doing and come and defend me or be there for me and help me. That's actually a very common thing in European households because we're Albanian. A lot of European parents will do things for you, but there's so much shit attached to it, like they'll hold it over

your head. So like my dad allowed me and my sister to live with him, paid for our bills, paid for us to eat, we were comfortable, we were fine. But that came with so many strings attached to it of if I call you or if I need you, you are expected to drop absolutely everything you're doing and come and help me. You are not priority, I am. When I have an issue, I don't give a fuck what you got going on, you drop it and you come do what I need you to do.

Whether it's handle an altercation, or help him with something, like if you don't know how to use something with a computer or the fucking printer breaks, like you have to go fix it. But, if we weren't there for him, what happened was our self-concept was on the line because if we didn't drop everything and run to him, we were disloyal, we didn't care about him, and we were ungrateful and didn't deserve shit he was doing for us.

Like there were so many things attached to not discarding ourselves and prioritizing him that if we were to think of ourselves we were an asshole we were selfish We were this loyal we were ungrateful That's a lot of weight to hold and carry and that's a big manipulation tactic a lot of people do to make people Act the way that they want them to act that's how a lot of people guarantee you will prioritize them is by Pitting your own self-concept against you if you don't help them. So for a long time in my life, I never thought of myself first.

I haven't for a long, long time. It didn't start to like a year and a half ago. Because it was just so painful not to put other people first. Like, I wasn't ungrateful. I wasn't this loyal. It's not that I didn't care about my dad like I didn't want to have to face any of that so for me to be working on something or doing my own thing and he calls me It's so much easier to just throw everything I'm doing away I don't care about the way that I feel I don't care what I have going on I'm gonna come be there for you because the damage is gonna do to myself a steam and how bad it's gonna make me feel Is not worth dealing with.

I'll just throw whatever the fuck I have going on to the side and I'll just go be there for you. But this is how resentment is built for people pleasers. Because you're constantly sacrificing everything you have going on to be there for other people. You're not gonna feel appreciated, you're gonna feel taken advantage of, you're not gonna feel cared about,

you're gonna feel like no one gives a fuck about you And you're just left to take care of everything plus yourself because people pleaseers don't explain what they're having to give up to be there for you They just shut up and fucking deal with it and come and help you with whatever you need They don't want to be a bother because people pleaseers were taught the way that they feel is inconvenient. And anything they have going on is an excuse of why not to be there for you. Like I fully understand this concept from both ends and I had to explain this one so that when I explain the flip side of not being a people pleaser, it all makes more sense.

All right, so let's jump into my first tip on how to stop being a people pleaser. I'm gonna tell you some things to stop doing and things to start doing instead for this flip to occur. So the first thing is around doing shit for people because when you're nice and sweet and there for everybody, like a typical people pleaser, they're just going to take and take and take and take. So you need to start like governing that.

And if you're going to do something for someone, this is the switch you have to make in your mind. You are used to thinking that you can only pick up one person at a time, so you can pick up yourself or you can pick up other people. You don't understand, you can have yourself and have other people too. That's the biggest thing I never understood. That was the biggest disconnect in my head. I felt like it was always a sacrifice, me or them. There's no space for both of us. So the biggest practice you have to start is holding space for you and other people. And what I mean by holding space is taking you both into consideration. So if you're going to do something for somebody else, you can't do it.

If it's going to take away from you, you need to care that you're impacted by shit. And this is not selfish at all because you're not picking yourself up and dropping them that's selfish You're taking you both into consideration what you both want matters how you both feel matters what you both need Fucking matters and I'm gonna scream this at you until you fucking get it. You are important goddammit You are fucking important So that's gonna help you deal with the guilt because you're gonna feel a lot of guilt when you start Prioritizing yourself. You're not just swinging the pendulum from only thinking about other people to only thinking about yourself You're swinging it back to a neutral point where you're not picking yourself up and throwing everybody else away

You're holding both of you and it's totally possible. It's just not something you've experienced yet. And starting to demand people, take you into consideration is totally fair. You take them into consideration. They're just not used to taking you into consideration. And I'm gonna hit on backlash in the end of this episode. Like I'm gonna prepare you for the backlash you're gonna face when you do start taking yourself into consideration as well as other people. So I'm gonna go ahead and prepare you for all that too, but like I have to knock out all my

points before we get there. And my biggest point with doing things for other people and putting yourself to the side to be able to do it and like discarding part of yourself to be able to be there for others is you will never truly feel cared about as long as you do that. Because what's important to you, what you feel, the part of you that's uncomfortable, you don't pay attention to, you pretend it's not there and you push it to the side. You tell yourself to shut the fuck up and deal with it and you discard everything about yourself and you just go do for other people. Your reality is a mirror. A lot of dip shit's talked about this but I don't know what the fuck they're talking about I'll break it down for you how you treat yourself inside is gonna reflect on the outside

So if all you ever do is discard what you feel and what you want and what you think and prioritize other people and things Over yourself that is all that is going to reflect through other people other people are a mirror of you So the way you treat yourself inside is going to reflect. So the whole feeling discarded and not prioritized thing that you're doing to yourself is all you're experiencing in your life because it starts inside. As soon as you flip it inside you and say, okay, no, how I feel matters. I'm not discarding what I want. I'm not discarding the way that I feel. I'm not discarding shit that makes me feel uncomfortable.

It's important. I look at it as like bringing it to the table with me. Like the part of me that wants something or feels a certain way. Because I'm at the table right here like in the conversation with someone who needs something from me. I'm bringing that part to the fucking table. You're gonna come up next to me and you're gonna sit here. And we are both gonna be taken into consideration by this person or both getting the fuck up and walking away. Stop pushing yourself away from the table.

Stop pushing your needs away. Stop pushing your preferences and your opinions and your feelings away. Take all of it and bring the entirety of who you are to the table with the conversation of the person that needs something from you. If you need something from me, I need something from you. Consideration. And if I don't get it, kick rocks, bitch. The reason I'm so mad about this and I get so fired

up is because not taking myself into consideration led me to so much heartbreak. You are the only one that you can depend on to consider you and to make the way that you feel matter. So step the fuck up and do it. And once that deeper with this you will never be good enough while you're trying to be what everybody else needs you to be or wants you to be. You will never be good enough for anybody. I've fucking tried it. I am so skilled in so many areas and so many things because I spent so long of my life trying to perfect and become the ultimate version of everything everybody wanted from me. I know so much shit and I have learned so many skills and I can do anything you put in front of me

because I've people pleased that fucking hard. It's never gonna be enough. If you are trying to be anything other than yourself, it will never be enough. Ever! So I'm gonna go ahead and save you from that heartbreak, knock it the fuck off. If you're being anything other than yourself and expressing the truth of who you are, you're never gonna be enough. It's never gonna work. And if people do love you and do like you, for the image you've put on, you will never

truly feel cared about because that's not really you. Your only option is to be yourself and be who you truly are. And the people who find you while you're being your true self are the ones you will be more than enough for. And the most important part of you to stop hiding from other people is the fact that you need people and that you have needs. And I know a lot of people are so resistant to that because you feel like it's annoying for you to have needs

and you feel like you're a nuisance and you're a bother. What you need is never too much. The fact that you have needs and have feelings is not annoying, it's not inconvenient and it's not a bother to people who truly care about you. Let that sink in. You're not asking for too much, you're asking the wrong fucking people who can't hold space for you.

And for the people who are scared to express that they have needs to people, it's such a crucial part of relationships, friendships, anything, any type of relationship that you have, people have to know what needs you have, so that they can meet them. People like to feel of use, so if you present something that they can do for you, or something that you like, that they can do for you to bring you happiness, they get to feel useful to you. The fact that they have value and they're able to contribute something that helps someone else is reflected by doing something for you.

So by hiding yourself, you're robbing other people of the chance to feel of use to you and to see that they actually have value. And if you think about it, if all you ever do is shit for other people, imagine it was the other way around. If someone always was just doing things for you and never let you do anything for them, you would feel so in debt to them, it would make you squirm. No one likes to feel in debt to people. No one likes to be the one constantly getting shit done for them and being taken care of and being the one that all the energy is put into. People like to give back. People like to contribute back. People enjoy feeling of use to you. So you have to give them that. You have to

allow them to see what needs they can meet for you and how they can be there for you in return. Because just flip it. Like think about it. You'd be uncomfortable as fuck if all people did was always just give, give, give to you. So the next step to be less of a people pleaser or to knock that shit off completely is to have a sense of self. Because you're not used to that. that shit off completely is to have a sense of self because you're not used to that. You have to stop trying to be liked by people. Everybody can smell it. Everybody can fuck a figure out that. You know when someone's bullshit like you need to become someone with your own opinions,

preferences, likes, dislikes, needs, you need all of that because that is your sense of self. All your preferences, all your thoughts, feelings, desires, that's all you and that's what sets you apart from everyone else. And you'll only feel like you relate to someone when you honestly share an opinion with them. Not the type person that just goes around and like agrees with everybody and pretends they have the same opinion. They know when you don't actually agree with them and you're just bullshitting. Like everybody can sense it. I know you think you're hiding it. At least I can sense it. When someone's bullshit in me, I know it. But something big to get about hiding your true opinions and thoughts and feelings is

if you hide it, it sends you the message that those are unacceptable things that need to be hidden. And that's gonna damage your self-esteem. So a way to kind of navigate this in real life is before you say something or do something. Don't only do things that other people will approve of. Ask yourself what is the truth of how I feel in this situation, what is the truth of my opinion, what is the truth of my thoughts and feelings and preferences here. Don't just go along with what everybody else is saying. This can be related to clothing and your style the way that you look. If you have certain preferences for that and you like certain shit, you're allowed

to like it. It's not bad or wrong to have different opinions from other people. It's what makes you you. It can also go into like sexuality and career and like job and shit like that. Everything about you. Don't do shit just because other people will approve of it. Because their approval is not what's gonna make you feel fulfilled. What the fuck do you like? What the fuck do you think?

What the fuck do you wanna do? That's what's important. And the biggest thing with voicing like the truth of like what you think about things and how you feel about things is nobody likes a yes man. Because they're not like safe people to be around. I don't want to be around somebody who always just gasses me up and I know it's bullshit. Like if you're always just like saying yes to me and agreeing with me and like nodding your head and like oh you always look cute. You always shut the fuck up. Literally tell me when I look bad. Be honest. Like if you don't like something that I'm wearing, say it. If I look stupid, say it. If you don't agree with something that I'm saying, speak the fuck up.

Because for you to just sit there and not say anything, it makes people not trust you. And if you're always just saying yes, yes, yes, everything is good, good, perfect. When you compliment me, I'm not gonna believe it. I'm not gonna believe shit out of your mouth if I think you're just a yes man. Like if you don't tell me I look bad, I'm not gonna believe you when you tell me I look good. You have to have that contrast because it builds trust. I don't like to be around people that I feel like are hiding shit and if you're hiding the true way that you feel in your opinions and stuff like that, that's

mad weird and I don't want people like that near me. You're not safe to care about because I can't trust you. I can't trust when you'll be honest or dishonest. Are you always just saying what you think I want to hear? I don't like that. Also differing opinions and differing interests make you interesting. I don't want to be around people who are only like me. Like a little bit like me. Like mostly like me. But I like some differences. It helps you relay. It like spices of life. It brings in something new, new perspectives. Like I love that shit. So stop hiding that.

You're robbing the world of like new shit that you're thinking of. And the last thing I'm gonna throw at you about learning to speak up about the truth is like the way you feel and expressing yourself and stop worrying about everybody else rejecting you because you like certain things. Oh my God, it's just so bad.

Is this prevents the people who would appreciate who you truly are from finding you? You're walking around with a mask on if you just pretend to be what everybody wants you to be. The people who are actually looking for you, the real you, are not gonna be able to fucking find you if you keep hiding who you are. So make it easier.

Make it easier for the people who are truly capable of loving you and appreciating you for you to find you by being your damn self. Take the mask off. The next thing I want you to get, my next little tip kind of, is being yourself is not offensive. And it's not an attack on people. If people are offended by you expressing yourself and being who you are, so fucking be it. People despise the fact that I'm gay.

People fucking hate it. Like it makes him like physically angry. My comments on all of my social media, he's fucking faggot. These men get their little panties in a fucking twist when they see that I'm gay. And I have a couple of speculations of why, but does me being gay hurt them or impact their life in absolutely anyway? No.

I'm over here minding my fucking business. And they're offended by it. Can I control that? No. Am I gonna sit here and make myself small and not be who I am because other people can't handle it. You got me fucked up. I'll die before that happens. A lot of men's frustration with me and being gay is I completely shatter their idea of what being gay is because I'm not the typical gay, I'm not the stereotype. I show being gay in a whole different way. I'm very strong and I'm tougher the typical gay, I'm not the stereotype. I show being gay in a whole different way. I'm very strong and I'm tougher

than most of these fucking men who are intimidated by me. They see me, they admire me. They wanna be like me. And then they find out I'm gay and their little brain can't handle it. How the fuck can I look up at someone gay? That's weak. They're beneath me.

And they fuck up their brain. I genuinely fuck up their little straighty brain because they can't fathom it. They're not meant to look up to gay people. They're not meant to admire gay people. So when I have traits that they admire, they can't handle it. Is that my fucking problem?

No. Same thing goes with my style. People are constantly up my ass, telling me to wear color and telling me to like change my style. But the thing is, I dress how I feel comfortable. And if the way that I dress makes me feel comfortable, that's how I'm gonna dress. Why the fuck am I gonna go make myself be uncomfortable so that you guys like it?

What the fuck do I look like, a puppet? I'm not your little doll, you get to go dress dress up and that's what a lot of these people do when you're a people Pleaser they treat you like a fucking doll like be there for me be what I want you to be sit on the shelf be quiet Have no needs have no thoughts need nothing for me But when I want to walk over and play with you I can play with you and then I want to set you down when I'm done with you, and you be fine with it. Like that's how people want you to be. That's not how people fucking are, and that's no longer how you're gonna be.

I'm not gonna let you. You're no one's fucking doll, and you are no longer gonna just do shit to a piece people. If you don't wanna do it, don't fucking do it. Your life, your rules, your decision, live that shit. Quit doing it for other people. Literally, I'm getting so riled up in this episode because I've spent so much of my life suppressed. Like I said, and trying to be everything everyone wanted,

it doesn't work, do not waste your time. I'll say it again. So my next tip is around talking about the way that you truly feel and being scared that it's going to piss people off or make them not like you. That is a risk you're going to have to take. But from your experience you only see how that goes negatively. I'm going to show you some possibilities and some perspectives where sharing the way that you feel is actually really useful. Hiding the way that you truly feel robs people of the ability to not be alone.

So like when I'm struggling and going through shit, if I go talk to somebody and they just stand there like they have it all together and like nothing's wrong with them and nothing's like going on and I'm over here like breaking down and I feel so overwhelmed by everything that I'm dealing with and I'm in a lot of of emotional pain, whatever it is.

When you're someone that's suffering and you look around and all you see is people who have their shit together, you feel even more alone in your pain. So when someone comes to you in vents and talks about shit, for you to just stand there and be like strong like you have everything together, it's gonna make them feel more disconnected from you.

And they're gonna think you're just like weirdly not impacted by shit, even if you're inside breaking down. So the biggest thing is to try and start expressing the way that you feel to people and the attempt to relate. So think of now sharing the way that you feel and sharing back with someone as a chance to connect with them and to make them not be alone and to make them not feel so fucking crazy. Like they're over here in pain, they're freaking out, they're voicing it and they're looking around and everybody else is perfectly fine.

When you say I'm actually struggling too, I'm dealing with XYZ girl, I'm just the fuck out too. You want to go smoke? Like, that's a very bonding thing and it makes them not feel alone in their pain. So it's very important to share the way that you feel and it's gonna help people relate to you and feel more connected to you and hiding that part of yourself is robbing the connection.

So share the fucking way you feel for you and them and people please there's not good at doing something for themselves yet. So share the way that you feel so that they don't feel alone in their pain. Look at it like you're doing it for them until you get comfortable with doing it for yourself. The next thing I really want you to get is voicing the way that you feel does not hurt

people. Now certain people just might not be able to hold space for that type of stuff. So something that was common when I was younger was like, if I told my dad I didn't feel cared about. It was met with, what the fuck is wrong with you, how the fuck could you not feel cared about? And it turned into a whole thing about shaming me that I even could say that when he does care so much.

But, a mature person, and someone like me, if you came to me and I loved you very deeply and I cared about you a lot and you said I don't feel cared about, I'm not going to take it as an attack. I'm gonna understand and recognize there's some kind of disconnect because I know how much I care about you. You told me you don't feel cared about. My immediate response is concern.

It's not to attack you and feel attacked. It's okay, hang on. I know how much I care about you, but you don't feel cared about. So let's evaluate how you're looking at things, how I'm looking at things, how I'm showing it, how you're seeing it, how you're used to receiving love, what you think love is. There's a whole conversation that needs to be had to help you see the love that I do have for you. I'm not going to shame you for not feeling it. That's the way a mature person will communicate with you

when you voice the way that you feel. They don't make it mean anything about them and how they're bad and attack you. The people you've been voicing your feelings to have not had the capacity to hold space for you. That's their fuck up. The way that you feel is not bad, it is not harmful. These are just people who are fucking stupid.

Sorry. And another thing a lot of people do when you voice the way that you feel is they take it like it's their responsibility to do something about it. Like a person will get stressed to fuck out. If you come to them and say you're sad and they make it frustrated and annoyed that you're sad, because they feel obligated like they have to do something

about it. You're gonna have a whole different experience when you finally sit down with someone one day and you say I'm sad and they don't immediately feel like they have to do something about it. They're just like why? What's bothering you? What's going on? Let's talk about it. That's a whole different fucking experience. Then oh god damn it, you're fucking sad again. What now? And that's one situation I wanna flip for you. As a people pleaser, when someone expresses the way that they feel to you,

you feel that instinct of like, I have to do something to fix it, I have to make it better. Like you're not gonna be able to relax when you see someone you care about, is uncomfortable or not feeling good. You're not gonna be able to just sit there. You're gonna automatically feel this inclination

to like do something and sort it out and help them. But what I want you to understand is when someone says something about the way that they feel and your immediate reaction is to like change it and fix it. When you look at someone like the way that they're feeling needs to be fixed or changed, it sends them the message something is wrong with them. Don't fucking do that. One of the most helpful things you can do for someone is to just give them your presence. You don't have to get up and change the way that they feel. Don't focus at people like there's something to fix. It sends them the message they're broken. Okay? That's the main thing I had to

get a long time ago because I was always like, I'm a problem solver. If you come to me about something, I'll fix it. That's not the way to emotionally like care for someone and cater to someone. Because a lot of the times when I'm upset and dealing with shit and I'm just like, down or whatever it is, all I need from someone is their presence and some comfort. Like just hear me out. Give me a fucking hug goddamn it and just tell me things are gonna be alright. Give me some words of encouragement and send me on my way don't try to like fix the way that I'm feeling just like let me talk to you and just comfort me just validate how I'm feeling make me feel like you understand and get it and I'm poof back on my

way I feel better I'm ready to go but the whole thing is your intention is not to change the way someone is feeling when they're talking to you. It's to just sit with them with it and help them feel understood and validated. Because if you don't validate it and you just try to like move forward from it, everything you do to try and move away from that emotion is going to feel like invalidation until you fucking address it. So the biggest gift you can give to someone is not try to change how they feel. Just sit with them with it. Alright, my next tip for the people pleasers is to start taking your time and energy into consideration. Your go-to is to prioritize everybody else and not worry about how much time

you spend and effort and energy you give to people. You just give it. But a big flip you have to make is to start to respect your time and energy because it is valuable and it is useful. Because your energy and time can be spent on the things that you want and what make you happy and the things that you need. You can be putting energy into yourself and figuring your own shit out and achieving your own goals. So for you to take that energy and put it into someone else, you need to make sure

that's worth it and you need to respect it. So if you're working on something for yourself and every time someone calls you, you just snatch all your attention and energy from it, you throw it away and then you come put it on me, that's going to make you very, very unsafe to care about. And it's going to push a lot of people away. Because when you ensure that you will get done, what makes you happy and you will get done, what you need to do for your goals, it allows everyone to relax. Because if I'm dealing with someone who will sacrifice themselves for me,

that's fucking draining. I don't wanna deal with that shit. I don't wanna have to be hyper considerate of you because you don't consider yourself. So if I know you're working toward these goals, but you'll discard them at any moment that I say I want something or need something. I'm not gonna ask you for help Because I know you're just gonna throw it away. So like I have to kind of like babysit you because you won't consider yourself That's draining that's fucking annoying to be honest Because when I care about someone I don't want them to throw themselves away

I want them to achieve things and work on what they want to work on. I don't want to feel like asking them to be there for me is going to hurt them. That's not going to make me feel good and that does not make someone feel good who genuinely cares about you. So if you have people in your life that are perfectly fine with you sacrificing everything for yourself to come be there for them, they're a selfish prick. And I don't want to say that they don't care about you, but If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it's a duck. So basically you take and carry yourself allows everyone to relax and be able to take care of themselves and have you in their life

without being drained and tired and having like life without being drained, and tired, and having to like, hyper-fixate on you, and over-manage you because you won't manage yourself. Prioritize what you want, make sure it gets done. Be clear around what it is you're working on, and when you are and aren't available, like where your time and energy goes, you need to make sure it's in your own shit, and you're getting your own shit done,

so you're easier to care about. But the biggest thing to get about not making what you want important to you is your life completely falls victim to everyone around you not needing shit because if you're working towards something and every time someone needs you you drop what you're doing and run to them. It's gonna take you 10 times longer to achieve absolutely anything in your life. You're not gonna achieve jack shit and your life is gonna be constantly yanked around and you're gonna feel like you have no control and no power and you're gonna be left with nothing but headache and no energy to put into your own shit. Sometimes you

have to prioritize things differently. I get it but don't make a habit out of it. Care that what you need to get done needs to get done and do it. Unless you want everything that you want to achieve to be dictated by no one needing you. That's the powerless way to live and I'm not going to tell you to do that. My next tip for not being a people pleaser anymore is to stop forcing yourself to be uncomfortable or like suffer. Like if you're out somewhere or doing something and you're hanging out with someone and you're uncomfortable, speak the fuck up, say something. Stop forcing yourself to just be in

pain and be uncomfortable so that other people aren't potentially mad at you and to make sure that people like you. Making sure that you're not uncomfortable is actually such a relief for other people around you. So the first thing we're gonna hit is the part of you that's uncomfortable. I want you to imagine the part of you that gets uncomfortable in certain situations as a kid. Because it's way easier for me to conceptualize compassion and being sweeter and protectiveness over the child aspect of me.

So imagine yourself as a kid or just imagine like a little kid and they're uncomfortable. And you're in a social situation where you're scared if you speak up, people are gonna get mad. Like if you do something to make yourself more comfortable, you're worried people are gonna get mad at you. So fucking be it. Because for you to look at that kid and say no,

you deserve to fucking suffer. Sit there and shut up so these people like you. What the fuck is that doing with your relationship to yourself? Hurting it? How are you ever gonna feel safe with that doing with your relationship to yourself? Hearding it? How are you ever going to feel safe with yourself if you force yourself to suffer? How are you ever going to feel safe with yourself and feel cared about if you force yourself to be uncomfortable and put yourself second to other people's perception of you? That's just one thing I want to bring up but I'm gonna pop this fucking bubble because it's very false. The last thing I want is someone around me to be uncomfortable and just make themselves

deal with it. Like if I care about someone, or even if it's just a fucking stranger, if they're uncomfortable, I don't want them to just suffer thinking that I'm gonna get mad at them if they speak up. I would be glad and happy to accommodate them or help them with anything, to make them feel better. up. Like I'm I would be glad and happy to accommodate them or help them with anything to make them feel better because I don't want you to be sitting there building resentment and getting mad at me and no longer wanting to be around me because you have to just shut up and be uncomfortable.

It makes people feel safe around you when you will voice when you're uncomfortable so that you can do something about it or everyone can help you do something about it. That makes you very, very safe to care about. Stop hiding that shit, stop forcing yourself to suffer and be uncomfortable. Speak up, advocate for that little part of yourself, and give people the chance to relax because you don't want to be around a friend who is like secretly uncomfortable with shit but they just hold it in. Like you don't want them to have to deal with that and people don't want you to have to deal with that. So the next thing to stop doing, if you're a people pleaser, is thinking that you're responsible for the shit that people get themselves into.

And I got a story with this, my friend the other day, he has an unreliable truck. Like it breaks down all the fucking time and he just likes having a big truck. He can easily afford to go get a fucking reliable car and be able to get from point A to point B but he likes the little vibe of his like truck and he doesn't care he likes working on it, he likes rebuilding shit but he chooses to have something unreliable. That is not something that I need to take responsibility on to be inconvenienced by.

If you want to have an unreliable ass truck, you deal with the consequences. Because he was like an hour away from me, like on a road trip. Broke down, calls me, and like 10 a.m. And asked me if I could come get him in the middle of like a fucking Tuesday. I don't have five minutes to spare during the week. My schedule is so fucking strict. For me to go block off Four hours of my time an hour to drive there two hours to take them to get the parts

Fix the truck and then drive back and then try and continue with my day I don't have the fucking time and I don't feel bad because you got yourself in that situation He called me. I said I've got too much shit to do. Me coming to get you is not something I'm gonna do Like it's gonna fuck up my entire day like you got to take that and handle it on your own And I literally was like call postmates have them postmate you the part to where you are on the side of the road And then fucking fix it and then get back on the road like for me to come inconvenience myself and get all the fucking way out there Put all the shit that I'm doing to the side, no girl, unless you are like dying, I'm not rearranging shit.

Like, my life is structured for a reason, I don't have time to spare, I don't have time for little inconveniences. That's why I have a reliable car. You want the little vibe of having a car that's not reliable because you like to fix it and do all that shit, I'm not letting that seep into my life and cause me fucking headache. It's like when people have dogs and they want to go out of town. That's not my fucking responsibility to babysit your goddamn dog. It's gonna get hair every fucking where. It's gonna smell. I gotta take it out to fucking piss and shit four or five times a day because I live in an apartment. No bitch, go put it in a doggy hotel Just because I'm your friend. It don't mean I have to take on the responsibility of that

You wanted the dog you are responsible for fucking taking care of it You want the shitty truck you are responsible for all the consequences that come with it Don't try and put that shit on me. Don't inconvenience the fuck out of me and don't even ask because it's gonna be a no But that's something you got to stop feeling so for. Is the shit that people get themselves into. You fucking deal with it. You chose it. Not figured out bitch. There are times where I'm very helpful.

I'm sounding like an asshole right now. Like I'm very helpful when I can't help. But I'm very diligent about making sure all of my shit done is first. Any spare time and energy I have at the end of the day, I spend it helping as many people as I can, but my shit comes first. Any spare time and energy I have at the end of the day, I spend it helping as many people as I can, but my shit comes first. So I just really hope that helps you alleviate

some of the guilt that you feel for not constantly saving people. And that's one thing I wanna talk about is saving people. If people face shit and you're always there to save them from it, you're robbing them of learning how to handle shit on their own. If you're always just there as their safety net to catch them and handle things for them,

you're making them dependent on you. Stop doing that shit. People have to learn on their own. As soon as you're not there to help them, what are they gonna do? Learn a new way to figure it out for themselves. Ask somebody else. Actually learn how to handle the shit on their own. They're gonna learn so much from it and they're gonna grow.

So for you constantly just saving people because you feel guilty, you're preventing them from the growth that they need to be more self-sufficient. Like I said, I'll always help if I can, but that'll help you with the guilt of focusing on your own stuff when people need you. They gotta learn, just like you've had to fucking learn

everything and be there for yourself and handle everything and everybody else's bullshit. They can learn too. Alright, so now let's jump into the backlash that you're gonna face and I'll tell you how to deal with a lot of it. The first thing to get is people benefited from you not considering yourself.

The version of you with no needs, with no preferences, with no thoughts, and the version of you that just prioritized everyone else and had nothing of your own to consider, a lot of people benefited from that and for you to take any Time and effort and prioritization from them and what they need and put it on to what you need They're gonna feel it and a lot of people are gonna get fucking pissy and you can let them get fucking pissy Because what was going on is they were benefiting at your expense

Don't feel bad about that shit. They like the version of you that's disposable and able to just do everything for them and that's there at their beck and call. They like that version of you. They're not going to like this version you that can't help them and save their ass constantly. But the thing that will help you with the guilt around that is you're not selfish and you're not asking them to prioritize you. All you're asking for and demanding now is to also be taken into consideration. So you're going to force them to hold space for both of you and not just themselves. A lot of people are going to have mixed reactions to that, just prepare for it, and don't

fucking feel bad for two seconds. You 1,000% deserve to be taken into consideration. Like I said, you're not asking them to prioritize you, you're asking them to consider you, and that's very fucking fair. The next thing is around people calling you selfish. If you take in care of you, because no one else cares to, if that's selfish, so fucking be it then. You've been pushed to this point where you've been so discarded and no one has taken care of you. Babe, if you went full flip the fucking script and went fully selfish,

that's justified too. But you're not even going that far, you're just demanding to be taken into consideration. So people want to call you selfish for it, they don't fucking get it, who gives a shit? Who gives a fuck? Genuinely. Like what are they not seeing? And why do they feel so entitled to expect so much of you for you to discard yourself and sacrifice yourself for them? Who the fuck are they? I don't even give a fuck if it's your parents. That's not realistic. You don't have a child to be a servant. They're their own fucking person. You need to support that or you're fully free to cut your parent to fuck off I've cut both my parents off multiple times. I am gonna place with them now where I'm good But it's because we have a mutual respect now. We all take each other into consideration, and we're good.

That's just something you have to teach people, is how to fucking consider you. But if your biggest fear is being looked at as selfish, I want to assure you, the people who get it, the people who truly care about you, and the people who are the exact same way, and who are going to be supportive, are going to get it. They're not going gonna call you selfish. And the last thing I want to say is something that's gonna like come up and it's the feeling of being fucking annoyed when you start taking yourself into consideration because you've lived your life this whole time where

gaining acceptance was easy. Being everything everyone wants like it's easy but to now fact the ran and taking yourself into consideration to, you're gonna get to points where you're fucking annoyed. Like if I just didn't have feelings and goals and desires, like I could easily just be there for them, but you're only doing it for acceptance. And I just want to like prepare you for that because a lot of people don't talk about that. Like when you kind of like get mad at yourself, like why the fuck do I need shit? Why do I have to take myself into consideration? It would be so much easier if I could just throw myself away and be there for this person. Like it's causing so much headache with them because I always don't want to think about myself.

But what I want to reassure you of is you know that way of being no longer works. Do not slip back into your old behaviors. They don't fucking serve you anymore and you're done with it. And that's all I got for this week's podcast. This was a fucking long one. Jesus Christ, I'm tired. Leave me a comment down below and let me know what you thought. And if you're on the YouTube version of this, leave me a thumbs up. And if you listen into this on the audio version on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, leave me

a five stars rating. Thank you. All of my social media and everywhere you can keep up with me will be linked in the description. I have some new things coming out from March soon. I'll be teasing them. 5 stars rating. Thank you. All of my social media and everywhere you can keep up with me will be linked in the description I have some new things coming out for merch soon. I'll be teasing them But I'm making tote bags because it's like beach time and crop tops So everybody get excited. They'll be coming in a couple of weeks But I'll be posting on all my social media when that's all gonna be coming out

I'll be posting pictures and all that so just follow me on Instagram and That's it. Stop being a people pleaser Everybody take care of yourself and I will talk to you guys next Sunday and all that. So just follow me on Instagram and that's it. Stop being a people pleaser. Everybody take care of yourself and I will talk to you guys next Sunday.