Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 18 - Munich Special

Episode Date: December 19, 2016

This episode comes from Munich in Germany, where pork is king. We also pay tribute to those who have left us in 2016, including previous guest Dr David Pin.   By Benjamin Partridge. Thanks to Daniel Rigby, Jessica Ransom, Mike Wozniak and Nadia Kamil. Thanks to Andy Goddard for production help.   Music: Music for Funeral Home - Part 11 by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/) Four by Roman Benedict   Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com

Hello. Before we begin, if you live in the UK, there's information at the end of this episode about a Beef and Dairy live show which is taking place in London in February, so stick around for that. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is sponsored by Steel Hoof Deluxe, the new hoof-strengthening supplement from Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. We all know Christmas is a busy time for candle makers, but the rest of the year can be a struggle. This December, spend $100 on any Mitchell's product and we'll donate $5 to a charity helping struggling candle makers and wax merchants. Just click the candle on our website. Hello, and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website, and a printed magazine, brought to you by Steel Hoof Deluxe. Although it's meant for ungulates, I've personally been taking Steel Hoof Deluxe, mixed in with my breakfast beef chard for a couple of months now, and my nails have never been stronger, and my hair's so glossy, it's almost painful to the naked eye. This is the final episode of the year, and before we start the programme properly, I'd just like to take a moment to remember those from our community who left us in 2016. moment to remember those from our community who left us in 2016. Stream reviewer, Gardenia Straightjacket. Leading chef and originator of the beef plait, Gerhard Schlink. Revolutionary tractor designer, Clive Owlgarden.

Stephen Plemons. Influential offal theorist, Sarah Pockentrott. Antibiotic swill pioneer Charles Mendez. And finally, who can forget the senseless and unexplained murder of Dr David Pinn, a leading scientist working with the European Space Agency in Frankfurt, who'd been interviewed on this programme about his work and the potential for finding cows, or maybe even some sort of f***ing meat, on the surface of Mars. We were due to record a short tribute from Dr Pinn's wife, Eleanor Pinn. However, she has recently mysteriously disappeared.

We hope that wherever she is, she's safe as well. Yes? Hello, Mrs. Pinn. Sorry, I took a while coming to the door. I was having sex. Right. I would have come to the door more quickly if I... Of course. If I hadn't been having sex. Got it. Mrs. Pinn, I'm...

I've just gone out the back door, actually. Portuguese. Lovely hands. Right. Mrs. Pinn, I'm Dr. Thomas. I've come about the box. Oh. Oh, right. Of, I'm Dr. Thomas. I've come about the box. Oh. Oh, right, of course. Please, come in. A cup of tea, Dr. Thomas? Would offer you a coffee, but I've run out,

and since my husband died, I've been rushed off my feet having sex with men off the internet. Completely understand. No need for a drink. I want to get straight to the matter at hand. I have to say, I was intrigued by your email. You said you wanted help understanding something you found in your husband's wardrobe? Yes, that's right. I was clearing out all of his clothes and at the back of the wardrobe I found this box. Largely full of pornography. Some homemade, some foraged. But under all of that I found these old notepads. Thought maybe it could help you work out what he was working on before he died. Interesting. Very interesting. I can't make head nor tail of

it. It's all numbers and fifth meets and whatnot. Sorry, did you say fifth meet? Yes, all Greek to me, Dr. Thomas. Dr. Thomas, is that a gun? I'm sorry, Mrs. Pinn. I had great respect for your husband and you seem like a lovely lady, but I'm afraid it's time to die. Not if I can help it. You should stick to science, Dr Thomas. You miss with every shot. Please. And there's still one bullet left. Don't shoot.

Why shouldn't I? You were about to shoot me, you top-level bastard. Don't kill me. Why shouldn't I? You were about to shoot me, you top-level bastard. Don't kill me. Why shouldn't I? You killed my husband, didn't you? No. Admit it. It was you, wasn't it? No, he isn't dead. Of course he's dead. We buried him. No, you buried a waxwork of him. He's still alive. Don't shoot me and I can take you to him. What? The only way you'll ever see him again is if you let me live. He's been kept in a secret location. I can take you there if you agree to wear a blindfold. Oh, twice in one day.

I'm here in the town square in Munich, Bavaria, which is playing host to one of the largest Christmas markets in Europe. I'm surrounded by both locals and tourists, thronging the stalls, buying their hot wine and festive treats, while a choir sing traditional German carols. It's a seemingly idyllic vista. However, scratch the surface of this merry scene, look again at the ready-faced stallholders, and you begin to realise that something very strange is happening indeed. Because while thousands of people congregate here to eat and buy edible

gifts for their loved ones, not one stall here is selling beef. Above us, hung from the clock tower of the cathedral, is a huge ham nativity scene, very clearly displaying the message that here, pork is the religion. Not a single scrap of beef on sale, and I have to say, it's pretty creepy. Earlier, I spoke to stallholder Beata Weiss, about her attempts to introduce beef to the gym. OK, you can take the blindfold off. What is this place? It's a secret military hospital.

Where's my husband? Take me to my husband. He's just through this door, but before you meet him, you need to know something. This had better not be a trap, or I swear I'll shoot your bollocks up your arsehole. Wow. Sorry, is that a bit much? No, go for it, by all means. I'm just very anxious to see my husband. I understand. You need to know that he isn't the same as when you last saw him.

What do you mean? He is now just a head, lungs, liver and anus. David? David! What have you done to him? Get out of my way. When you said you were going to shoot my bollocks on my arsehole I thought it was just a salty turn of phrase

but you've actually done it. Sorry, that's genuinely a coincidence. I was trying to non-fatally shoot you in the leg. Turns out we're both a lousy shot. When I'm gone, tell my wife I'm sorry for getting wrapped up in all this, but also for spending all our money on little figurines.

Goodbye. Goodbye. David? David! More after this. I'm Hal Loveland. I'm Danielle Radford. I am Michael Eagle.

And we are the hosts of Tights and Fights, Maximum Fun's newest podcast dedicated to all things wrestling. We'll be talking about Sasha Banks, the Women's Revolution, Sasha Banks, the brand split, and Sasha Banks' wigs. And we'll also be talking about wrestler fashion. Some wrestlers wear too many clothes. Some wrestlers don't wear enough clothes at all. And I'll be doing impressions of all your favorite wrestlers. New episodes Thursdays on Maximum Fun

or wherever you get your podcasts. Oh, yeah, dig it. Dice and Bites Podcast. Dice and Bites. After an afternoon perusing the markets, I've now come to one of Munich's famous beer halls, the Hofbrauhaus. Again, as the revelers listen to the traditional Bavarian umpah band and glug down their large steins of beer,

the unmistakable smell of hot pork fills the air. And I'm here to meet a man who reckons that he is just the thing to challenge the pork sausage with Germany's new... David? David? I'm here. Oh, my love. Oh, David. You're alive. I'm so

sorry, my love. I couldn't escape. What have they done to you? You're just... Head, lungs, liver and anus. Yes, they've taken away most of my body to be tested. Oh, David. Darling, don't look at me. I'm not the man you married. I'm just a head, lungs, liver and anus. You're my head, lungs, liver and anus. Darling, they think I'm made of the fifth meat. It's true, he is. Who are you? How rude of me.

Dr. Peregrine Fletcher. A pleasure to make your acquaintance. You've got a... Bionic jaw and a camera eye, yes. I'm surprised you recognise your husband, reduced as he is to just a head, lungs and liver. And anus. Yes, and anus. I'd recognise that anus anywhere.

That's really strange. You're the one with a camera eye. Mrs. Pinn, it's time you were told what is going on. When your husband's research came too close to revealing the truth about the fifth meet, we sent my colleague, Dr. Thomas, to kill him. But he couldn't be killed. He took 20 bullets. We knew straight away that he couldn't be human. Your husband, although he never knew it, is part alien. Alien? I won't believe it, darling. It does explain a lot, David. Your three penises. The way you eat all food using a tube that extends from the back of your throat. You've got a point. How is this possible? This promotional video from 1958 will explain everything.

Hello, potential investor. And thank you for your interest in our mysterious investment opportunity. Now that you have passed security vetting and signed the non-disclosure agreement, I can reveal to you that your financing will help fund the cultivation of a so-called fifth meat. In a world with an ever-growing population, and where there's only so much room for the rearing of beef, pork, lamb, and chicken, something had to be done. The U.S. government started its fifth meat rearing program when NASA first secretly visited the moon in 1937. During that first

mission, a number of startling discoveries were made. Firstly, space smells of farts. It's farts all the way up, and not the kind that you get used to after a couple of minutes. Secondly, they discovered that the dark side of the moon is populated by an indestructible race of alien lifeforms. Despite being indestructible, the aliens knew nothing of war or conflict of any kind, and so within a year, the entire race had been enslaved and was being intensively farmed for their ever-replenishing meat. This unlimited food source was soon being used to plug gaps in the global food shortage, cementing the United States' position as a world superpower. It's a lot to take in, I know, but you've probably come closer to it than you ever knew.

Have you ever eaten a cheap hamburger or a sausage and wondered exactly what is it you are eating? The likelihood is that you are eating fifth meat, farmed on the dark side of the moon, thousands of miles away. So please, invest today and build a brighter future for our nation. We definitely won't murder you as soon as the investment is made. See? My research wasn't wrong. I'm not crazy. Yes, the hunks of meat you found on Mars had broken free of the moon's gravity after an explosion at Meat Farm F. Even if all of this is true, it still doesn't explain how David is part alien. We've done some research into David's father. He was secretly working for NASA throughout the 1950s and 1960s.

That's not true. He was a travelling hairbrush salesman who would regularly go on six-month-long trips abroad to sell hairbrushes. He wasn't selling hairbrushes, you idiot. He was cultivating and harvesting the meat of an enslaved alien race. It's so obvious with hindsight. Our theory is that whilst he was out there,

he impregnated one of the alien females and then smuggled the offspring, you, back to Earth. This seems to tally with these incomplete landing records we found from the year of your birth. I won't believe it! And we also found a grainy video of him screwing an alien. Oh. Okay, maybe there's something in it. Does that mean you have video footage of my mother? Can I see it?

Of course. Oh, oh, yeah. You like that, don't you? You like that in your sick. Oh, sweet, sweet, sweet goo. She's hideous. Well, Dr. Fletcher, you've done your tests. You know the truth. Let him go. I'm afraid not, Mrs. Pinn. Now we know about what your husband truly is, there is no way we can let him back into society. He's staying here. He'll be quite comfortable. Excellent food, healthcare, a room with a good number of decorative figurines.

Just go, love. Leave me here. I'm sure you can visit. Afraid not, Dr. Pinn. Your wife must die. What? She has knowledge of top-level state secrets. And besides, the alien genes can't be allowed to continue to mix with the human race.

You have to die, Mrs. Pinn. You're pregnant. I'm not pregnant. You are, Mrs. Pinn. We've been secretly monitoring your piss for weeks. An indestructible race of human-alien hybrids. It would be the end of the world as we know it. And I like the world just as it is, riven with inequality, pain, suffering, and excellent dramas streamed instantly to your computer tablet or a device connected to your television. Time to die. No. No. Even if I am pregnant, it's not definitely his. What? Nothing. Definitely yours, darling. Please join me in the obliteration room, Mrs. Pinn.

Dr. Fletcher. I thought I'd met a top-level bastard earlier, but it turns out he wasn't top-level at all. In hindsight, he was just a medium-to-high-level bastard, because you are top-level. That was quite confusing. I'm just saying you're a bastard. Oh! Darling, what's the matter?

Oh, the baby. I think it's coming. Are you sure? Security, security. Oh, it's coming. Oh, the baby. I think it's coming. Are you sure? Security! Security! No, it's coming! Oh, my God! No! No, I don't believe my camera eye. No! What? Are you?

No! Leave mummy alone! No! No! And father, it's fatty. Please don't eat me. I'm just a her a name! So that's all we've got time for from Munich this month. From all of us here at the network, we wish you a very Merry Christmas.

And remember, you can find more at our website, where you'll see all the usual stuff, along with a couple of festive treats, including a think piece entitled Bovine Virgin Birth, Possible or Religious Hoax? Lessons from Patient X. Also, a video of what happened when we put £600 of beef on a toboggan.

And please remember the true meaning of Christmas. Christmas isn't about receiving beef, it's about giving beef. Whether it's cooked, cured, raw, or simply in the form of beef tokens. So until next year, beef out. Thanks to Mike Wozniak, Jessica Ransom, Daniel Rigby and Nadia Kamal. Also thanks to Andy Goddard for help with sound. He produces a podcast sitcom called Wooden Overcoats,

which has just finished its second season and is well worth your time. So, if you live in the UK or happen to be visiting the UK in February, we're doing a Beef and Dairy live show. This one is part of something called the Vault Festival, which takes place deep below Waterloo Station and will be all new stuff. So if you came before, you can come again. I haven't booked all the guests yet,

but Beef and Dairy favourite Mike Wozniak will be there. And once I get around to booking some more people, a fabulous group of others. Tickets are £9 and can be bought from the Vault Festival website. Your best bet is to Google Vault Festival Beef and Dairy and find them there or look on our Twitter. I'm really excited about it and it would be great if we could sell it out, especially because the room is slightly bigger than might be sensible. If you want to get in contact, we're on Twitter, Facebook, and you can email us at beefanddairy at gmail.com.

So until 2017, goodbye. What do Maria Bamford, Jad Abumrad, Dick Cavett, Phoebe Robinson, Dan Deacon, W. Kamau Bell, Brooke Gladstone, and Andrew W.K. have in common? They've all been speakers and performers at past MaxFunCons. Every MaxFunCon is a murderer's row of amazing stand-up comedians, thoughtful cultural leaders, and skilled artists, and MaxFunCon and MaxFunCon East 2017 will be no different. Visit MaxFunCon.com for dates and more information and to grab your ticket before they're gone. and to grab your ticket before they're gone.