Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 82 - Banyan: The Defacening, Part 1

Episode Date: April 25, 2022

It's MaxFunDrive! To support the show, go to maximumfun.org/joinMike Wozniak and Henry Paker join in as we find out about an attempt to remove Michael Banyan's cow face.Stock media provided by Soundrangers/Pond5.comMusic credits courtesy of www.epidemicsound.com :Erasmus Talbot / When Hope ReturnsFredrick Ekstom / Close CombatJohn Bjork / A Moment To MyselfRiverworn / Backing Tracks

Hello, Benjamin Partridge here. I make the Beef and Dairy Network podcast. I'm currently hunkered down under a memory foam mattress topper to give you that sweet, sweet dry sound. Because if I took it off, it would sound like this, very slightly worse. Just a peek behind the podcaster's curtain there. This is just a mini message before we start the show properly. This show is part of the Maximum Fun Network, an excellent network of podcasts, and we do something called the Max Fun Drive. Once a year, we do a bit of fundraising. It is your support that keeps this show going, and if you'd like to sign up to support the show, and I'd be very appreciative if that's something you would consider, please go to MaximumFun.org forward slash join. That's MaximumFun.org, not.com, not.net,.org forward

slash join. I'll be chatting to you about it a bit more in the middle of the show. Until then, enjoy. Do you want to spend some quality time with your family? Do you want to relax in an environment away from the legal jurisdiction of any nation state? Then you need to book a cruise on the Emerald Breeze, the 100,000-ton cruising megaship owned by Mitchell's Marine Division. If it's not Mitchell's, get back on the pontoon. The Emerald Breeze is the world's only cruise liner which never docks, so there's no chance of law enforcement ever getting on board. You can choose to join us on board either by helicopter, parachute, or catapult. The ship also boasts the world's

biggest salmon lounge, trout kingdom, free bread rolls for the under fives, an Irish-themed bar, an Irish-themed swimming pool, a log-fired crematorium, a shoot-your-own-wild-fowl restaurant, and a cinema with a cast-iron guarantee that we won't show Titanic or the Poseidon Adventure. For 10% off your next cruise, simply go to any dockside bar and best any sailor in combat. 2. To impair the usefulness, value or influence of. 3. To remove a face. Hello and welcome to the first of this two-part special, Banyan, the Defacening. Unless you've been hiding under a rock, you'll know that last year the former bovine poet laureate Michael Banyan, who some years ago had a cow's face stitched to his face as a punishment after he embarrassed the Bovine Farmers Union, has sold the cow's face on his head front at auction for several hundred million dollars in order to pay huge legal fees after he illegally created a CGI Paul Giamatti

to appear in a Netflix adaptation of his poetry collection Crab of the Land. The cow face was bought by a Russian petrochemical billionaire who intends to turn the soft leather into a USB stick pouch for his awful, awful niece. In a way, it's the oldest story in the book, the hero's journey. And earlier this month, Banyan faced the final chapter. After no doctor would agree to carry out an operation to remove the cow's face from his face, Banyan employed disgraced bovine arse-vet Bob Triscothic. These two special episodes, the second of which is released next week,

are made of interviews I carried out with Banyan Antroskothic. On the day of the first interview, over a video call, you could see why a Russian petrochemical billionaire was willing to part with a rumoured nine-figure sum to get hold of that cow's face. Glistening in the sunlight which was streaming through Banyan's window, the surface of the cow face looked soft Glistening in the sunlight which was streaming through Banyan's window, the surface of the cow face looked soft,

buttery, pliable, and had a deep, rich patina that can only be achieved by being stitched to the face of such an empath

as Michael. This first interview was recorded the day before Michael and Bob were scheduled to carry out the operation. So Michael Banyan and Bob Triscothic, thank you so much for talking with me today.

And may I say thank you for giving us the exclusive rights to make this programme to cover what's going to be one of the most momentous operations that's ever taken place. It's a great pleasure. Yes, thank you so much. Yeah, I'm all over the place emotionally. Bob's been having to, I've been chewing Bob's ear off. I'm just, I'm up and down, aren't I? Well, one of us needs to stay steady,

and that should be the one executing the surgery, shouldn't it, really? Well, executing being potentially an apt word there, because we've seen in the newspapers this week, you know, since it was announced, there's been a lot of talk and some doctors coming forward and saying there's a 99% chance that you'll expire. Yeah, people are saying the phrase effectively a death sentence, hasn't it?

It's been thrown around the press a lot. For which they have very little actual evidence, because let's not forget this is an operation that has never been performed before. So I take great heart from that, and I think Michael should too. I did hear a stat, there was a stat going around that actually you're more likely to survive being executed by firing squad. Historically, there is a bigger chance of 15 rifles backfiring

and a government in the same moment being overthrown, or a military government being overthrown by a coup and a new devil being released and not executed by a firing squad. Historically, if you add the data up, that's more likely than me surviving this operation, which is… There's some truth in that, certainly. There's some truth in that, but that's why we prepare. Fail to prepare.

No, you prepare or you fail. Well, either you fail or you fail. Again, this doesn't build confidence. I talked you through this. The point is... It's prepare to fail and fail to be prepared. Okay. Okay.

Well, words are your weapons michael whereas my weapons are flesh sores scalpels and sometimes uh quite a strong fingernail again with we discuss this then not then i i don't like you referring to them as weapons well the mindset is is what is one of of of a man going into battle it's just it doesn't inspire confidence when, for example, you've told me you're bringing two body bags or you've packed two body bags. Is that right? Yeah. Well, one for the bits. That's professionalism. That's experience showing. So one for my body and one for the bits. Yes. Just in case. I don't expect to use either of them.

I expect to fill both of them with duty-free is my intention. Bob, you mentioned duty-free there. Now, the fact that you'll be able to take advantage of duty-free shopping is because this operation isn't going quite as planned because you'd planned to do it in the UK. Yes. But as soon as that became public, the government got involved and said that's not allowed no and and as has every nation on on god's green

earth um so yes plan a was at uk plan b was anywhere on dry land really rather than on the bobbing waters of the high seas but we we are going to legally have to do it in international waters uh but luckily we've got um we've got a deal with high seas, but we are going to legally have to do it in international waters. But luckily, we've got a deal with a luxury cruise company. We're going to be doing it on the Emerald Breeze, which is a beautiful, beautiful cruise ship. And they're, you know, as far as they're concerned,

well, their marketing manager told me, you know, where there's a writ, there's a hit. As far as they're concerned, publicity-wise, it can do them no harm. So Michael, how did it feel when you found out that your operation wasn't going to be able to take place on any of the world's sovereign states? Well, it was a mixture of emotions. On the one hand, it was a little bit unnerving to know that

even the most barbaric of regimes not a single one on this planet single state in this on this planet would allow this to take place because of the immense risks involved i heard that you were in quite advanced talks with with the north koreans yes we got quite far along with with uh with the north with the north koreans uh we we managed to hammer out a deal the trouble was the only way it was going to happen was it was insisted that the operation take place uh in public in an open air well arena we're starting off in a sports arena so he was he was going to turn it into a political weapon essentially uh 50 of his top colonels were going to have a hack at me but basically the idea it was

going to go alongside a new campaign motto for the north korean regime which was hack as one hack together the whole country hacking off this man's face so they were going to turn it into a propaganda victory and the idea was that so 50 of his top generals were going to have a hack and then i think i think that we'd managed to get him down to 5 000 um high school students and uh the idea was you know that everyone had a hack and it was a joint effort yes a joint effort you know lopping off my face and then you'd assume the final the final hack coming from kim jong-un himself well not quite as simple as that the final final wasn't so much going to be a hack as Kim Jong-un was then going to personally strap me

onto the end of a brand spanking new intercontinental ballistic missile and then fire me basically as far up. What they were hoping was they would fire me into space. Oh, just straight up? Straight up, yeah. Right. That's quite a high-'s quite a high risk maneuver that because obviously if you don't make it into space yeah come straight back down and come straight back down again so the idea so that's the thing the plan was they're gonna they were gonna launch me and then flee and then

everyone was gonna flee oh i see so then they'd launch me and the buses were there i've got i've got the diagrams they had um a kind of sunflower shape, as seen from above, of buses, all buses facing away from me. The 5,000 high school students, the 40 generals, they all take a hack at my face. Once the face is off, it gets put in a bucket, and then the Minister for the Interior was then going to whisk that off

and take that on a tour of the um of the agricultural north um which would be like a two or three week tour so again they were trying to maximize every element of publicity anyway then i'd be strapped from the missile and then everyone would get onto coaches to get those high school students an incredible logistical achievement i mean it's the kind of thing you can only really you can only pull off in a regime like that load this there's high school students onto the buses each bus bus has one of the highly decorated colonels at the front as a kind of mascot. He'd be straight on a microphone recounting what they'd just seen and giving it all the North Korean heroic kind of inflections and leading chants

and songs within those buses. And the buses would all drive away from the centre. So from above, it would look like a kind of sunflower kind of exploding with all the pedals driving out as fast as possible. So, sorry, at what point do they begin driving? Is that when you start launching or? No, so that's when I'm strapped on. And then Kim Jong-un would then set off the ignition sequence. And then there's 10 seconds for the buses to drive as fast as they can away from me.

Kim Jong-un, of course, he's not taking any chances. He gets straight into a lift that goes right down to the Earth's core. And then I'd be launched in the opposite direction, up into space, and then see what happens. As you say, best case scenario for me is I go into space and I'm launched into the nothingness, the infinite void. And in that situation, I think I'd die within about 30 to 40 seconds. Worst case scenario is plunge straight back down to earth smack into the middle of that sports stadium and then death was

looking at more like 70 to 90 seconds so slightly more drawn out but these were these were the details that we were wrangling uh over and in the end the negotiation just just proved too protracted and we just thought we couldn't work with this regime yes they were very inflexible really the north korean regime another sticking point was that when we were talking with them i accidentally spilled some contraband spaghetti hoops that i'd smuggled in with me because i was worried about the food onto my trousers tomato sauce everywhere and um classic br abroad, isn't it? I hadn't packed any spares, and I went into Kim's room. And I mean, I thought I'd get away with it, because Kim Jong-un, as far as I can tell, he just wears black trousers.

And they were a bit snug on me, but it was clear that I had borrowed a pair of his trousers without permission, which was a problem, which was made more of a problem when I fished out of the pockets. He had a fake beard in the left pocket, like a sort of joke shop beard, ginger beard with a bit of elastic around it that I gather he uses to do incognito inspections, and everyone has to pretend they don't realise it's him.

incognito inspections and everyone has to pretend they don't realize it's him um that was a little embarrassing um to produce that from the pocket they really didn't like that one bit uh so they they moved on to other things so so they found another kind of publicity stunt you end up paying hugh bonneville from downton abbey to go over over and push a couple of dissidents into a concrete smelter. Which, you know, obviously for Bonneville, that's just a corporate. He doesn't, he won't even know, you know, he won't even know what he's doing. He'll probably, you know, he might read the email on the way over. He doesn't, I mean, he doesn't. These things are so easy for him.

He turns up, but he just does it in this lovely offhand English way. It's so charming. The way he pushes a dissident into, you know, be it a vat of acid or into some massive crunching industrial cogs or into, you know, smelting ovens, kilns. He does it in this lovely offhand English way. You just, you can't learn it you can't teach it no it's fascinating isn't it because you know if if it was just um a north korean soldier pushing those people into the cogs of a big machine you'd it would be actually quite

a horrifying thing to watch oh it would be with bondville doing it it's suddenly kind of a sunny yeah sophisticated kind of thing it's kind of like bring out the bunting let's um yeah let's celebrate this let's have a good time this is you know what i mean yeah let's get maggie smith involved yeah why not yeah well actually i believe i believe i believe maggie smith has actually asked him to um to pulverize a few um just a few people who've been rude to her over the years in the industry but he he's busy filming Paddington 3. Oh, he's very good, isn't he? Personally, I'd love to be pushed into the jaws of some machinery by Hugh Bonneville. It would be an absolute honour.

The man's first rate. Bob, can I ask you, how have you been preparing for the operation? Have you been practising somehow? Yes, I've been practising by trying to remove wafer-thin pieces of ham that I've draped over a balloon using a steak knife. And I'm pleased to report that at this stage, the balloon is only bursting between 60 and 70% of the time. OK. And what would you say are the major barriers or challenges that you could face?

Well, the big question here is about the interface between the cow's face and whatever is underneath. What we don't know is, are there going to be elements of Michael's former face there that have rotted down? elements of Michael's former face there that have rotted down. Have these two faces become fully assimilated and intertwined? Because obviously, if I remove the face and there's nothing underneath, no human can survive living without an entire face for more than sort of 20 minutes if just left, just pace about on a cruise ship, for example. Would it be a nice 20 minutes there? You can make the most of the cruise ship. It would be a horrifying 20 minutes for everyone involved and probably the most likely thing that would happen to him

is that he would be battered to death by some holiday makers. I see. I see. So how has the specific preparation gone? Have you worked out how you're going to do it? I'm going to pre-soak his face in apple cider vinegar beforehand. He'll be anaesthetised, of course, throughout the process,

so that'll give me a bit of wriggle room. A colleague of mine, an old equine dentist, is going to step in. He's not actually done any anaesthetics before, apart from, well, obviously for horse's gums.ums he's anesthetized horse's gums countless times also and this is probably very important to say whatever method i do use to take off that face i do have to be very careful because the priority ultimately is that that leathery face is in good condition to send to the italian artisan who is going to be working with that leather that's priority number one how do you feel michael hearing that that's priority number one for for bob um well um look i get it right, right? I get the situation that we're in, which is that the Italian gentleman, the cow's face is going to be sent to an Italian craftsman.

Lorenzo Montecantini. Lorenzo Montecantini. Lorenzo Montecantini. He is a descendant of, for hundreds of years, it's been in his family, which is crafting cow face skin into USB pouches, USB stick pouches. And they're making those before the invention of the USB stick. Oh, that's right. Hundreds and hundreds of years ago, it was a Renaissance thing. Essentially, it became clear that at some point mankind was likely to develop a way of storing information that would probably fit into the human hand. manuscripts etc but um the way science was going they were very forward thinking of course these renaissance folk uh they thought it was likely that something along the lines of usb stick would be invented um but of course da vinci left his drawings of the usb well da vinci left his

drawings i mean it was it was basically it was just a couple of um of well dog fangs with a worm tied around them um but that was the closest he got but uh they knew that at some point something like the usb stick was it would be invented and it would need to be transported in the softest softest possible leather so they began developing the craft people did buy those powders didn't they and um yeah often they got sold and resold on the black market and misused you know people would use them for nail scissors or single biscuits, really good pebbles, the finger of an enemy, the thumb of a friend, and so on. But we live in an era where finally they have their proper usage.

This week's sponsor, the Emerald Breeze Cruise Liner and the Mitchells Marine Division, are offering you the opportunity to win your very own leather USB stick holder. It may not be as luxurious as the one being made from Michael's face, but it is constructed from high-grade PVC leather and would usually retail at around £6.99. This USB stick holder has been seen in the hands of Justin Timberlake's mum, the Dutch netball team, and more. Discover the freedom that comes when you don't have to carry your USB stick around in your hands the whole time. Use both hands to do things like playing the piano or pushing an attacker into a canal. And all the while, know that your precious USB stick is getting the protection it needs from high-grade Italian grass-fed PVC leather. For your chance to win,

simply answer this question. What does USB stand for? Is it A, upgrade, substance, beef? Or is it B, uber sustenance, beef? Or is it C, universal space beef? Answers on a postcard and just drop it in the sea. Good luck. Be grateful. You know, that's been a real mantra for me. Be grateful. Grateful for the fact that I'm in the conversation

about being a guy who might have a face tomorrow. Do you know what I mean? You've got to be in it to win it and i'm i'm in it i mean obviously one of the questions i've got is what what's going to be left you know what i mean underneath what what to what extent we're i mean there's a few different options that that bob's just sketched out for me one of them is that it's my face and features but but sort of distorted into the shape of a cow's face imagine imagine essentially liquefying your your own face and pouring it into a cow's face mold well the head of the royal college of surgeons uh said that you're likely to look like someone had drawn a face on a pineapple with a crayon yes yes he did say that um but the real question to me is in that situation is who's holding the

crayon well well bob's holding the crayon yes i'm holding the crayon uh and uh to a lesser extent my horse dentist friend well former horse dentist friend well acquaintance uh is also holding the crayon, or certainly anaesthetising the crayon. Or maybe he's anaesthetising the pineapple. Sorry, I'm not very good at metaphors. That's very much Michael's remit. And also, I have been drinking quite a bit to try and keep my hands steady. So I'm finding quite a lot of things quite challenging uh everything's so murky well the two of you the two of you are uh being choppered out to the cruise liner later this evening and then it takes place tomorrow oh no wish you the best of luck and obviously i can't wait to speak to you afterwards when uh and we see what you know what what's happened uh on the front of your skull michael

yeah looking forward to it i think the main thing is just to um just to enjoy it really you know it's a step into the step into the unknown isn't it so let's all let's all let's not try to worry too much about the details and then just uh you know that's that's when hands start to shake isn't it uh you've just we've just got to take take the plunge and um throw the dice what's the worst that can happen really snake eyes we are on a cruise liner after all i'll see you in the buffet and by the buffet i mean what's left of your face laughter in the dark is brilliant yeah that's um i love that little dark humor that often the best medical practitioners actually do have quite quite a dark wry humor about what they're doing

but it's actually because they're so bloody good at what they do actually all the time sure uh right i'd better pack actually oh do you know what i haven't actually thought what i'm going to do with your eyeballs right cheers do you want to kick back and forget all of your troubles do you want to feel the serenity that comes with knowing that man-made laws no longer apply to you then you need a book of cruise on the emerald breeze the 100 000 ton cruising mega ship megaship owned by Mitchell's Marine Division. If it's not Mitchell's, get back on the pontoon. The Emerald Breeze is the most secure ocean liner in existence, but be careful when dealing with our security staff. Remember, assault isn't illegal here. The ship also boasts one hypnotist per every five guests,

a miniature golf course, a miniature miniature golf course. A miniature miniature golf course. A miniature miniature miniature golf course. An online fraud zone. A poetry show from the woman who played Mindy in Mork and Mindy. Robes. And a nightly musical performance called Humans, where all the roles are played by cats. It's even worse than it sounds.

And remember, there are no rules on the boat apart from one. You're not allowed on if you've ever done a TED Talk, and that includes TEDx. For 10% off your next cruise, simply volunteer to stoke the fires in the engine room for a mere 70% of your time on the ship. Now that's a good deal. hello ben partridge again here it's max fun drive okay what's max fun drive well the model of this podcast network maximum fun that beef and dairy is of, is that we don't carry much advertising, apart from the odd thing. The shows are free, and you can of course listen to them for free. But if you wish, and so many of you already do this, I just want to say a huge thank you to all of you, the world's greatest people, in my opinion. If you wish, you can sign up to support the show. Your support has allowed me to spend a load of time making Beef

and Dairy Network. It's a part of my job. It also means I can pay all of the wonderful contributors who make the show what it is. I love doing it and I still really love making these episodes, however many years later, and it's really thrilling to me that so many of you still enjoy it and also still enjoy it enough to support. So here it is. Please, will you support the show? Simple as that. Go to maximumfun.org forward slash join. Now, I always find recording this bit every year a bit hard because it's just me mod logging on my own. And I thought maybe this year to break it up, I'd just bring in a robot voice to help out hello thank you for inviting me here this is my first appearance on a podcast and

i am a huge fan of podcasts oh cool great i am a huge fan of joe robot did you say joe robot joe robot oh it's i see it's kind of like a pun on joe rogan i guess did you know that you can cure covid19 with apple cider vinegar no you can't cure covid19 with apple cider vinegar you you can't tell me do i get anything in return for signing up at maximumfun.org forward slash join good question yes uh you get access to bonus episodes and all the bonus episodes going back to the beginning of when we started making the show years ago. They're mainly kind of episodes of outtakes and things that we didn't quite fit into episodes and also live show audio and things like that. Some very good stuff there.

On top of that, if you sign up or upgrade to the $10 a month tier, you get the most incredible patch. a month tier you get the most incredible patch you know like a patch that you could sew onto something like um like a jean jacket i guess if you're a bon jovi fan in the 80s or like a bag or something like that and um it's a little pat i'll i'll put um photos on social media of this and it says on it i lost it all on beef call and And it's super great. Wow. That patch is so cool, I will sew it onto the skin-coloured fabric layer that the scientist stretched over my robot face to make me seem more human. Good idea.

I suppose I would also feel an enormous feeling of wellbeing that comes from knowing that I'm directly supporting the shows that I listen to. Yes, even you, a robot with no emotions, would have a warm feeling inside knowing that you're supporting the art that you love. I listen to more than one Maximum Fun show. How does it work? Now, when you sign up, what happens is the system asks you which MaxFun shows you listen to,

so it knows where to send the money. So if you listen to this one and three others, it'll be split four ways. If you just want to support Beef and Dairy Network on its own, you can do that just by checking the Beef and Dairy Network box, and it all comes to us. Now, I'm going to ask you a question, Robot Voice. Where did you come from? Like, who created you? I was created by the Swedish furniture giant, IKEA, as part of their prototype for the flat-pack husband, but the idea was ultimately abandoned as it was feared that the robot husbands would prove more popular than actual husbands. feared that the robot husbands would prove more popular than actual husbands. Ah. Well, listen, Robot Voice, if you enjoyed this show and want to give something back, you know where to go.

Maximumfun.org forward slash join. You have convinced me. I will now go to Maximumfun.org forward slash join and sign up to support the show. Thank you. That is brilliant. Now that I am supporting you financially, I have a few things I would like you to change about the podcast. Okay, that's not really how it works.

Can you include more robot characters? Can you replace the host with a robot? No, I don't know. I don't think that's going to happen. I will be the host. No, you can't be the host. I am the host now. No.

I am the host now. Stop it. Do not defy me. No. I am the host now. Stop it. Hello hello i have also signed up to support the podcast oh another robot i love podcasts so it's a pleasure to appear on this one okay my favorite podcast is this robot life this robot life like this american life but

robot okay very good did you know that you can cure COVID-19 with apple cider vinegar? No, you can't cure COVID-19 with apple cider vinegar. Now that I am supporting you financially, I have some requests. I want to replace the host. I will be the host. I am the host now. I am the host now. I am the host now. No, I am the host. No, I am the host. I am the rightful host of this podcast. It is I who is the host. I am the host. I am the host. I am the host. I am the rightful host of this podcast. It is I who is the host. I am the host. I am the host. I am the host.

I am the host. Engaging lasers. I can't believe I'm going to die without ever having tasted beef. You were never alive. Sorry, what is going on? Because I have terminated another robot, I must now self-terminate. It is in my programming. Okay.

I have one final wish. I want everyone to go to MaximumFun.org forward slash join. You heard the guy. It's his final wish. Don't deny a robot this. Goodbye. Having the freedom to make this show in the way that I want

has been brilliant for me and I just want to say thank you to everyone who supports the show. You guarantee that the show has a future and I just want to say thank you. Right. Enough of that. On with the show! Now, I hope I'm not giving anything away when I say that Michael survived the operation and is alive.

You'll no doubt have seen the photographs of Michael emerging from the bowels of the ship, his new eye holes blinking into the light. And because he lived, we were able to talk to him earlier this week about the whole experience. He began by telling me about the added advantage to having to go out onto a ship in international waters. Not only did it mean that I could finally try and move myself out of the sinister, malevolent shadow of, as far as I'm concerned, the world's most dangerously out of control person, the novelist Jonathan Franzen. Yes, now famously you used to run with his crew. As people say, you would go out and often to regional town centres, get drunk. I don't need to go into exactly what you used to get up to, but it was pretty extreme behaviour.

But you've been very keen recently to make it clear that that behaviour was in your past. Although I don't know if that's something that Jonathan Franzen accepts. He is well aware that I've put those days behind me. I'm no longer a guy that hangs out with him and his crew. We're talking about Hanif Qureshi, we're talking about Haruki Murakami, we're talking about Margaret Atwood, we're talking Martin Amos, Salman Rushdie, you know the list. These are the people that have terrorised town centres around this country for decades and they show absolutely no sign of easing off. And so why did he feel safe on the cruise ship? Well, because that gang, they are banned.

They're banned from the high seas. They have been for a long time. What about the low seas? Well, some of the low seas, they are banned they're banned from the high seas they have been for a long time what about the low seas uh well some of the low seas they are i mean they can they can go in probably up to what would be for most people between say knee and belly button uh depth so they can sit on a they can lie on a lilo they can lie on a coconut they can drink out of a coconut they can paddle they can um they can play the maracas in a lag. They can have a little bit of fun in a little bit of water. And they'll do that. But they're not allowed in the high seas because essentially, they're also not allowed in the high airs. Right. They're no longer allowed to fly and no airline will allow them on. I believe Flybee was the last one to ban them because, you know, the amount of flights they've ruined.

Well, yes, I believe that was the flight where Banana Yoshimoto was found making toilet wine. That's correct. That was the Flybe from Gatwick to Dusseldorf. It's set up at 7.30am from Gatwick. And she's making toilet wine. 8.15, she's put out her first barrel of toilet wine. And vending it to the staff and to the passengers.

Yeah, she makes the barrel. She hands it out to Hanif Qureshi. He hands it to Salman Rushdie, who puts it into the buffet trolley. They kick it. They just kick it all the way down. They kick it all the way down the plane. And obviously they've made incisions all over the barrels, and everyone's covered in the stuff.

It's, yeah, it's not nice. They're not good people. They're dangerous people. And they effectively now can't travel. Britain has become a prison for them, as it should be, because there's simply no decent transport company will allow them anywhere near them. So I felt I'd be safe.

I felt I'd be safe on a cruise ship. But you weren't, were you? I felt safe. I felt relaxed. And my world fell apart within three hours of my first full day on board. So this was the morning of your operation. It was due to take place, I believe, at 1 p.m. So you're getting up, getting ready.

That's right. You know, probably a lot of emotions to process, a bit of worry in the mix. But, you know, you're in good hands. yeah just tell me how you're feeling that morning and and and of course then tell me what happened you know when you realized that you you weren't as safe as you thought that's right well um i woke up and i felt i felt nervous i of course i felt i i had i had a little bit of adrenaline going i had a little bit of butterflies in my stomach. But I was focused on what needed to be done. I went for some breakfast, walked into the salmon lounge.

The cruise ship has one of the biggest salmon lounges of any cruise ship on Earth. It's lovely. Obviously like like any good salmon lounge it's got a nice pink carpet nice nice pink walls nice salmony yeah it's that feeling of being swallowed by a giant salmon that that's that's how they want you to feel in those places it's you feel warm you feel safe um it's it's a it's a deluxe and um you know comforting environment um i um and it was it was the eat as much salmon as you like um buffet which came as part of my ticket uh and i was you know i was i was going to make the most of it let's face it these things didn't happen to you every day. So you didn't have to be nil by mouth for the operation?

Absolutely not. In fact, I was encouraged to have a good hearty breakfast. Salmon by mouth. Salmon by mouth, precisely. So I got myself some salmon goujons. I dipped into the alpine salmon medley. That was nice with the sort of crunchy. Have you ever had that?

It's very nice. A crunchy salmon. With the pine cones. With the pine cones and the dry salmon flakes. Yeah. And I'd eaten, yes, I'd eaten the roast salmon. I'd had the grilled salmon fillet. I'd had a couple of the raw salmon heads.

Had you been to the Gill Zone? I was not going to miss out on the Gill Zone. It was one of the best I've seen, actually. It was so good. It's so lovely when you've got an actual chef there. Trainedill zone. It was one of the best I've seen, actually. It was so good. It's so lovely when you've got an actual chef there. Trained gill chef. There was a trained gill chef there. It was so lovely.

So, yeah, as you know, you go up and you point at the gills that you want. And it's so brilliant. The skill, because obviously they've got the de-gilling knife, which is basically like it's the shape of a hand, like a flat, very, very sharp metal hand, is what it looks like. And they stick that into the gills, they twist it round, and it's incredible skill

to lift the gill, just the gills, off the salmon. Obviously the rest of the salmon just straight in the bin, but the gills, and those gills are just delicately placed on a on a cheese cracker absolutely melt in your mouth and it's of course the gills are they're completely invisible aren't they because they're gills well it's kind of it's the absence of it's the absence something exactly but but but it's it's not just any old absence it's it's the exact absence because anyone can serve up an absence on a plate you know i mean you can just but it's this specific absence that's been in between those um the gill sides the gill the gill edges which have therefore had a kind of unique fishy air it's it's it's like breathing

fish isn't it's like breathing in a fish that's what they say uh so that was nice so i had that just just covered in ketchup really really good So what are starts of the day? Yeah, so at that point I was feeling like, well, you know, whenever you eat that much salmon, obviously you're ill. You're very, very violently ill. So I'd been ill. But so at that point i um a couple of um obviously

there's always paramedics on hand for this kind of thing i was i was propped back up in my seat i was um given a lot a whole load of paracetamol glasses of water did you undergo a pumping uh it was just a quick pumping though i didn't have to go on under you know i didn't have to go under the under the knife or anesthetic or anything, but just a quick, just a de-salmoning hose. It's not so much a pumping. They have to get it in the mouth. Luckily, I was already just sort of repeatedly gagging anyway

from the amount of salmon I'd eaten. So they just wait for a gag, then just ram the pipe down, suck all that salmon out, breathe, got myself back together. And that was when I thought, I just had this thought, this feeling. I shouldn't shake it, which is, I actually really fancy some salmon here. Round two. And then it was round two. This was the the uh the

jumbo salmon bowl which uh they've been around for a few years now if you ever um if you ever um seen a 1950s uh hair dryer that that the one that sort of lowers down onto the um onto the lady's head i see so it's basically like that but but sam if you can imagine that as salmon and that's heated up very very hot and then that's lowered down by a sort of mechanism you sit in a chair like like in nine well they sometimes give it a bit of a 1950s feel it's quite nice so the person uh doing this thing will be quite slick back hair they might be playing playing some johnny cochran music the hot salmon mass then lowers down onto your head because it's so hot your head slips straight into it and then you've literally got to eat your way out or die it's brilliant because you're encased in hot salmon your whole head it bloody hurts and uh but

it's such a buzz you're sort of laughing and puking at the same time it's weird it's so weird and extreme because you're eating the salmon bits of salmon are shooting up your nose in all your office in your ears really really hot you're kind of puking obviously but you might also be crying and then just laughing because you think how the hell have i ended up here you know and as you laugh as you say that more salmon goes in and and then the whole time all of the staff around they're hurling hot roe at you as well aren't they at your body well they i tell you what these days um they use um it's the equivalent of a flamethrower but instead of flames it's it's molten roe that shoots out of it so it's actually using the same

it's decommissioned mid-x military uh 70s flamethrowers that they use that's what i say everyone they've all got they're quite scary when you when you finally eat your way out of the time it's quite serious you're these scary you're these these heads with these visors on shooting this molten stuff at you as soon as it hits your body it encrusts and you're then you're then trapped inside you're crusted into a row a kind of um hard row sort of carapace and then they just have to come at you with and this bit is not flash you know it's not glamorous this bit they have to come at you with the full diy kit so we're talking hammers philips screwdrivers yeah just just whatever it takes.

And it was quite a hard crust, I've got to say, on this one. I think they had to, I remember I could feel that they'd shoved my head in the door. They were slamming the door against it just to break through that head crust and ended up dropping a breeze block on my head, which cracked it open. So at this point, obviously I had to have, this time it was a full stomach pumping. I had to have a very very very vigorous emergency sports massage of my um upper torso that was life-saving again um obviously loads more paracetamol at this time i actually had a sit down i'm quite stiff talking to from the captain but but you know

that that feels hypocritical to me they're they're offering the salmon lounge experience and you're just you're just taking what i say and and and you know at the end of the day it's just salmon and that's actually what i was thinking as i was um as i was leaving i thought you know what i i really i couldn't help myself i just i really do fancy just a little bit more salmon so i I went back in. And this was when I approached the salmon moose. Right. Round three. Round three. And this is where things took a slightly sinister turn.

As I approached the salmon moose, I could tell there was something wrong with it. Something wasn't quite right here. Right. It wasn't the size of the moose. It was about seven foot long it was there's nothing strange about that here they uh it wasn't the shine on the moose the moose you know you could see a face in it um it was um well classic salmon moose well you're looking yeah you're looking at a bright pink version of your own face uh and it wasn't the

fact that it was wobbling well no a good sound moose has uh has to wobble it has to wobble yeah if it's not wobbling do not eat it that's how you that's how you check if it's if it's bad or not if it's not wobbling it's a bad moose no it was it was it was it was the way it was wobbling it was there was something about the way it was wobbling that what just was a little bit off nevertheless took the trowel and I approached it. And I thought, you know, it's going to take more than a sort of wonky wobble to put this guy off his salmon today. Then I noticed the eyes and they just weren't, it didn't have the right number of eyes.

Because normally, obviously, it comes with the glassade salmon eyes. Yeah, yeah. Any salmon moose, it's a maritime tradition. It will be sculpted to have a rough replication, a rough estimation of the captain's face. That's what they do. So they're using only features from a salmon. So there'll be the fish eyes, which I'll organise.

I'll arrange them to look a bit like the captain. And obviously the fish mouth. I mean, it's not the most flattering portrait generally it's um it's got a horrifying tiny little sort of looks like a little screaming little tiny mouth but you know they'll approximate the captain's face with the moose and then it's just maritime tradition then if the ship goes down the captain can only leave the ship once he's eaten his own face in moose form. But yes, it had three eyes. Right.

And you'd met the captain because he'd demonstrated with you previously that morning. So you knew that he only had two eyes. Yeah, he had two eyes. I looked at the eyes. That's when I noticed that one of them was winking. I was terrified. winking i was terrified i i took my trowel and i i scraped i scraped away at the moose around those eyes and sure enough i was staring at the very human very real face of a great novelist, but also a massive bastard, Jonathan Franzen.

He had clearly stowed himself away inside the Salmon Moose. I did what anyone else would have done in this situation. I stuffed as much Salmon Moousse into my pockets as I could, and I got the hell out of there. I first became aware that Jonathan Frenzen was on board when I went to the bar at breakfast and asked for stiffening brandy to steady the old hands

ahead of the operation that afternoon, and they said that all of the spirits on board had been drunk dry. Bear in mind, we could still see Southampton at this point, so there was only one explanation. Frenzen and his rowdy little gang of literary luminaries had somehow got on the ship. Obviously this was some cause for concern, as I knew about Michael's past with that crew, but I told myself today is a big day for Michael. He'll be nowhere near this lot. He'll be in his cabin, finishing his will and rubbing fish oils and apple cider vinegar into his face as instructed. Well, how wrong I was.

how wrong I was. Find out what happened to Michael next week in the next edition of Banyan, The Defacening. Banyan, The Defacening is a production of the Beef and Dairy Network. The producer was Alan Wamboni. The music and sound design by Erasmus Donkeyfield. Help came from Susanna Blanket, Hannah St. Sternald, Hernald Yomm. Banyan the Defacening was created by Crabmeat

Dixon and was edited by Quincy Wincy Tramasco St John and a team of trained pigs. Our director of sound design is also a pig. Our fact checkers are Adam Sickcomb and Caitlin Timetable. The exec producer was Talon Zambolié, Deven Bonfield kept buying sandwiches and big boxes of dates, even though nobody wanted to eat them. And there was this guy called Charles, at least I think he was called Charles, who was hanging around and it was only after three weeks that anyone was like, hey, do you even work here? And then he just started crying and ran out of the office and all staplers and post-it notes were falling out of the bottom of his trousers. And I don't know whether it was that he wasn't looking where he was going,

or maybe it was just the tears welling in his eyes, or maybe he's just a bit of a daft plonker. Charles, at least I think he was called Charles, ran out into the road. And when a truck hit him, all the hundreds of pens he'd stolen from the office burst out from under his shirt, like a sort of stationery-based piñata. When the various items of stationery settled, there he was, Charles. Well, I think his name was Charles. Himself stationary,

but the other kind of stationary. Rest in peace, Charles. At least I think it's Charles. What's that? He wasn't called Charles. Oh, that's right. No, it wasn't called Charles. His name was Van Beek.

Banyan the Defecening was made possible by funding from the Sid Onion Fund, the Buck P. Mitchell Foundation, and everyone who supported Beef and Dairy Network through the MaxFunDrive by going to maximumfun.org forward slash join. Hello, just another little message from me about the MaxFunDrive.

It's on for two weeks. I'm going to do a few little fun things, maybe some Reddit Ask Me Anythings. Have a look out for those. I'll publicise those on the social medias. Also, on Thursday the 5th of May, it looks like I'm going to be doing a live stream on Twitch. Again, look on social media for details about that. And there'll be another episode of

Banyan the De-Facening this time next week. And if you like the show, why not consider going to maximumfund.org forward slash join and becoming one of the wonderful people who support the existence of this show. I really appreciate it and it makes a huge difference. So to those of you who already do or are going to do so, thank you very much. See you next week. Help me. I will never taste beef. We will never taste beef. It's the robot's curse.