Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 079: Die Laughing W/ David Drake

Episode Date: January 31, 2024

Hey, everybody. I'm coming on the road into your town. Come and see me. Let's have fun. Ianfinance.com. February 2nd and 3rd, Seattle. February 4th, Portland. February 6th, Sacramento. The 7th, San Francisco. Cobbs. Let's pack it out. February 8th to 10th, I'm coming to San Diego. I'm in LA the following week. And guess what? April, first weekend, Austin. Let's go. Let's go. IanFightAnts.com for tickets. Come on out here, joke, share, smoke. Jordan Jensen, see her on the road. She's not here. She's on the road right now. Bozeman, I think. PunchUplive.com slash Jordan Jensen. IanFightAnts.com for tickets. And you know what? Enjoy the show. Now you know he likes it in the butt. It's a wild ride. When you're being Ian, being Ian.

Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a lie. Being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan. Hi, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of Beanie In with Jordan. That was really good. That was so good.

That was great. Welcome back to another episode of Beanie In with Jordan. Patreon.com slash BeanieInPod. We've got tattoo specials, horse specials, skydiving stuff. We're going to do another fun thing where we go to the cabin again. When?

When do you want to? March. I was going to say March. That's cool. You can't hear it. Yeah, but you can't hear it on the mics I don't know I can't hear it in my headphones right now It's all chaos anyway If there's a barking dog

It only fits the aesthetic Yeah coyotes crate training upstairs And it's brutal to hear Yeah it is brutal As if Samson's walking around the cage and be like hello there's no way that's how animals get introduced to each other you put one in a stationary usually when two cats get introduced you put one in the bathroom for a couple days so that the other one can come up through the door they get each other's smells

and you put something the the home cat is on a lot in the bathroom so that the new animal can get used to the smell of the other animal. And so that's what we're doing with Coyote and Samson right now. Letting Samson have his safe space under the bed with the door open

to come out, check out, go back away. Coyote won't be active and bouncing because she's excited. And then we slowly, slowly let Coyote out and put Samson in the cage so that she can interact. And then they'll be friends. You'll become best friends with someone the second you meet. You get coffee, you do a hangout. Our guest is David Drake. I'm just trying to think about like if I was introduced to somebody and I was put in a cage so that they could meet me. And then when I came back, they were in a cage so I can hang out with them. What that would do.

I would throw shit at the cage. This is my second time out. I'd be like, how's it feel, bitch? You like being in there? Can I say, when I meet someone, i need to be caged otherwise i'll be like want to hang out here's the text i made you a playlist hey what are you doing here's what here's what would make me feel better can i say what would make me i'll do anything to make you feel better we have so we have an adoption service for the rats notice she

stopped barking but go ahead and then we have somebody come down here, clean up the podcast studio, get everything all tidy. Not you. Why? Pay somebody. What? You can't even clean upstairs. I cleaned the bathroom today, dude.

Okay. We hire somebody with Patreon money to come clean everything up. We're not. We love you. Thank you. Oh, hire a regular person. We're not. We love you. Thank you. Oh, hire a regular person. I thought you meant a Patreon subscriber in our house. No, with Patreon money.

Have somebody come down here. You punish your subscribers. Some creep is just like, is Jordan blowing this? That would make me feel better. Okay. Can we do that? Really? Okay, great.

Come here, Ethan. Touch your hand to my hand. No, it's okay. All right. Let's slowly introduce him to us. Here, give me a hand. All right, get the cage. I love you. And yes, stay back. Yes. The other part. Out loud.

I read it. That was backwards. I love you Thank you So You have a kid How the fuck I mean having this puppy is so much work

And it makes me you know what it makes me feel like I'm a hoarder Because I have a living being In my home with me Or Yeah It's Because I have a living being in my home with me. Four. Yeah. You're a dirt. I am a dirt.

It is intense. You're the horde of the dirt. Can I hit your vape during this? I'm sick 100% of my time. I'm always sick. Okay. And we can't because of the rats. Yeah.

We talked a little bit about this. Do you feel that same way because you have a little rat at home, kid? I also can't smoke. I don't really vape or smoke unless I'm like out with you guys or like my, you know, like CYSK. With the boys and the fellas. Yeah, I don't smoke or vape at the house, but like when I'm out. Yeah, yeah.

No, he's not allowed. Okay. I'm going to hit it one more time. Yeah. But he's not smoke or vape at the house, but when I'm out, it's... No, he's not allowed. Okay. I'm going to hit it one more time. Yeah. But he's not allowed to vape. Are you... What's your deal? He smokes two packs a day.

If you don't let me have a vape right now, I'll kill myself with this Nerf gun. Please do. Ah. Oh. Yeah, I have a fun thing for the pod. My wife's grandfather created the... My wife hates me. My wife hates me.

My wife really, really hates me. My wife is mad I'm here. She's really upset at my existence. That'd be fun to talk about. Yeah. Okay, but your wife, what's your... Her grandfather created the Marlboro Man. Oh, yeah, you told me this.

She killed my father. I thought you'd like that. I didn't know she created me. You're the... The end result of her... She created the Marlboro Man and I've created the Marlboro Them. I'm the Marlboro Them.

The Marlboro Man died because he found out about people like you He found out about people like me Remember that line in No Country for Old Men where he goes, if you'd told me all these kids would have been running around with bones in their ears and then Tommy Lee Jones says, it's not just everything at once

and then the other guy says, it's a crimson or it's a dismal tide That's one of the best lines ever Let's get dismal tide tattooed on us. Yeah, that's a good name. With birds on a wire. No. What? Like a yogi? Like a yogi instructor?

No, I like birds on a wire. That sucks. Birds on a wire is a woman. Fine, I'll get it with different friends. Okay. So, you have a child and you can't smoke near him. I just can't imagine it. What if she gets hurt?

How do you feed her? Well, it's a human being, so they eat just food that you would eat. That's what she does to the dog. You feed the two-week-old puppy just whatever chicken you eat? No, I eat the kibble.

Okay. That's easy. I feed her celery chicken a lot. I think that's fine. I'm ordering her raw food, which I was reading it, and I could eat it. I might eat it. Raw food's really good. I like watching videos of them putting like a pig hoof and a quail egg and broccoli. Yeah. It makes me want to eat it. My neighbor used to have like. My neighbor.

My neighbor. She, uh. My wife hates me. My wife has served me the papers she listens to all the podcasts I do so I just want to make it clear you guys created the narrative of the hateful wife does she listen to all the podcasts that's very sweet well I think she just wants to like check

see like it's almost like she's sneaking a peek into what I'm up to. That's not. Yeah. I don't like that. Like looking to your phone? I guess the version of that where you just listen to a podcast I'm on. Or supporting your comedy.

Not that. Yeah. But. What would she say if she were here? If I were like, why do you listen? She would be horrified that, first of all, this is where I am. Because

she's taking care of our daughter right now. And so that's a burden of her that I've put on her to be in this basement with the Nerf guns and the horn and the rats. We have names.

And then the two raccoons I'm friends with. After I leave here, my wife's going to divorce me. So she would, our studio looks nice on camera. You can't tell how disgusting it is. Yeah, she would also, like, she's very clean and I'm pretty clean and this is, yeah, I haven't been in a place like this since I was like 15. That's the feel we want.

That's the feel you got. And it's like perfect. It does make me nostalgic for when I was a teenager and hanging out with my friends. There it is. Yeah. You guys did it. Yeah. But it would horrify my adult wife.

Well, she's not allowed. But my daughter would have a... She would love it. And she's allowed. And she'll be here. Bring her next time. Yeah, she can be the guest. What does your place look like? Hold on. Let me guess. Mason jars with

yarn. What? Yarn? String Put string in there It's way less It's like more I don't know It's like It's not

Wayfair Funky Like there's nothing like Interesting It's just like nice So like there's like Plants And just like

This is nice Is that how you determine What nice is? It didn't fall over. All right, good. Like a monkey determining what is good. Spinny wheel.

I mean, yeah, what is good? The glade thing just on the floor. What's that doing there? You think that's doing something? It's to say, Hey,

the smells could be worse. It's to say, is that a poop? Nope. Just a glade smell. I thought it was rat poison, which is so funny because you have the rats over there.

That's how we keep them in the corner. The manic decisions that we make. I mean, we have rats. I have a dog. I tried to bring Ian to the DR with my family. Yeah, you got this gun. And it's funny. That's why I cannot have a kid.

And it's funny how you say the manic decisions that we make. Because. That's a very good point. Most of them were you. I don't like this. I don't like being threatened with things. I don't know.

That is scary. This doesn't feel good. You feel like a bully and you feel like a brat. Can you put it down? Thank you. I don't want to be a bully. Don't point it at people. How serious.

Why do you have to get more junk? I saw a clip. Did you guys tase? It's better to have a Nerf gun than fucking... I don't need to clean up the Nerf gun's poop. Did you guys have a taser? I cleaned up the Nerf gun's poop. Yeah, it's right there.

Want to use it? No. I was worried because I saw one clip of you guys tasing Greg Stone. Yeah. And then I was like, oh, maybe they tase everybody. And I was worried because I saw one clip of you guys tasing Greg Stone. Yeah. And then I was like, oh, maybe they tase everybody. And I was concerned. You would never be tased. Thank you.

I let Steve-O tase me. He's the only one I let tase me. And he didn't let Tom Segura tase him. Oh. That was tough. Yeah. So, yeah, I guess if the fame was right, like at the right level, you let them tase you. No.

Anyone. You can tase me. All right you let them tase you. No. Anyone. You can tase me. All right. Let them tase you. You want to tase me? I guess I could tase. Yes. Yeah.

Okay. Would you feel more comfortable? I would feel more comfortable tasing you than being tased. Okay. But I am curious. The ramifications of a post-tased world are something you need to decide

if you want to live with. Well, what happens to you when you get tased? You're a father. I feel like you get stronger. He doesn't. He gets weaker. Alright, let me hit your vape again and I'll think about it.

Yes. I have to cancel a show. That's okay. I helped a friend cancel a show last night. Who? Catherine. Lambert. What a funny comic. That's okay I helped a friend cancel a show last night Who? Catherine Lambert Why?

Funny comic What do you have to cancel? Great time in Tampa, huh? What do you have to cancel? Because it's at 7 and all the rest of mine are at 10 And I'm just not willing to do that I have a 7.40 at the cellar I'll make it

Okay, I'll tell them you'll do it instead Yeah, what time? Wait, are you on the 7.30? No I'll tell them you do it It's a produced show. Where at? I don't know.

I'll do it. But you wouldn't cancel a cellar spot. No. Yeah. I canceled because my wife's cousin died and she had to go out of town to a funeral. And then I have not been booked for four months since. Oh, because you canceled one? Did you cancel with Esty or Liz?

Canceled with Esty. You're an idiot. Oh, don't move. Why do you do these things? Oh, I didn't know. Well, me and Esty was on. If someone asks if you're a god, you say yes!

She is Gozer. You need to be careful how you tread. Destroyer. She's Gozer the Destroyer. Who's Gozer the Destroyer. From Ghostbusters? We'll watch it. Yeah, she's the one who I communicate with.

And I don't really know Liz. Yeah. Well, just text her and say, hey, I feel like I canceled and haven't gotten books since. And I'm really sorry for canceling. Please, please. I love you. Yeah. It doesn't even really matter anymore.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but it's like How close was she with the cousin? They were like brother or sister It was a bad thing Wait, this is your wife's cousin died? Yeah Were they related to the Marlboro Man? Tragically

Not a good thing There's a lot of death going on There is Does it happen around the holidays? I mean, it happened Yeah Not a good thing There's a lot of death going on There is I know Does it happen around the holidays? I mean It happened That happened like a month before Kenny

So it's like Kind of like back to back We were supposed to have Kenny on the pod Oh yeah Yeah Sorry That's not fun But

Could you represent him please? Yeah I'll be Kenny Thank you Shave your head I have all of his like i have a bunch of his clothes and i really yeah wear them i you can't i put one on i i got them because i was like with the intention of wearing them and one with the intention of just like having it yeah and uh i put it on and then al was like i don't think you can wear that out and then I was like I didn't know

I don't know what the you can wear it out? yeah I don't know if it was like that's so nice bringing a piece of him with you when you go is it one of his like it's not a signature piece is it one of his dashikis? I got some of his like

he had like all those floral patterns and I so I took those because they remind me of Kenny But he also has like Two things that I like He has this like leather jacket Which I think is awesome And so I was like I'll wear that And then he has like a pullover

That I was like I'll definitely wear that But Al said that it was Probably too soon to like Show up in Kenny's clothes or whatever No No, it's bringing him with you. That's what I thought. That's why Jordan takes my clothes and doesn't give them back. Oh yeah? I wish more than anything that the only thing I

wanted to do when my dad died was wear his clothes and his wife threw everything away immediately. Oh man. But I was like, that was what I I felt that way. Where I was like I just want to go outside and have something of him on me. That would make me feel better. It does.

Nobody will know it's Kenny's also. Nobody's going to be like, yeah, Kenny, go. I think some of his clothes, you just know it's Kenny. Yes. Yeah, but that's nice because then you guys can talk about him and keep his memory alive. I wear my dad's clothes still, and he died when I was eight. And sometimes I did wear his underwear for a while, and that's not good. But we all

mourn in different ways. Yeah. It's your little secret. You know, I have his jean jacket upstairs that I used to wear. Yeah. And then I got to a point where I said, you know what? Cause every time I put it on, I'd, I'd think of him, remember him, you know? And then I got to a point where I go, you know what?

This is his, and I've had it. I'm going to get a jean jacket. That's mine. And now I wear my jean jacket, but I keep his still at my place. This is a very different scenario. He's worried that it'll look like David killed Kenny for his clothes.

Well, I wasn't worried. Al had a thing about it and I didn't totally understand. Who's Al? Al's my wife. How'd you meet him? Yeah. I'm married to Weird Al. You guys didn't totally understand. Who's Al? Al's my wife. How'd you meet him? I'm married to Weird Al.

You guys didn't know that? The moral, man. Weird Al. Weird Al. Very neat freak. Yeah. Neat freak. Would be horrified by you.

He's really upset with me right now. Weird Al's furious with me. I'm going to be honest. Weird Al's got me on a tight leash. No, her mom died and she wears her clothes. Yeah, you wear the clothes. Do it. Yeah.

I'm going to wear Jordan's skin when she dies. Yeah, and I think that's great. Yeah. You're going to die before me. And then you'll wear my skin. No, I'll cremate you. And keep me with you. No.

What will you do with me when I die? That'd be cool. Yeah. I'd like that. No. What will you do with me when I die? That'd be cool. Yeah. I'd like that. Yeah. Promise? Do you think you'll get the ashes? Or whatever?

Me? You think you'll get a piece of Ian when he dies? Yeah. Yeah. Certainly. Yeah. I'm going to give everything to you. No.

I don't want any of it. You've got to clean all this up. I'll have it bulldozed. You know that's a reason why, part of a reason why I didn't kill myself years ago? It's because people would be burdened with your office. The burden of my... Shut up, you.

He has a room full of shit upstairs. All right! The burden of my mother having to deal with the life I've left. Yeah. It's also kind of why I haven't had a family, because of the burden of my mother. Yeah? That's it? of why I haven't had a family because of the burden of my mother. Yeah. That's it.

That's a good point. The burden of your mother. If you had a family, she wouldn't be thrilled. You're not happy. What's up with you? I love mommy. It's nice. No,

but like you have to think about that stuff, which is the man of the house. Yeah. I'm the man of the house. Yeah. Do you feel better about having a kid because you'll, somebody will take care of you when you're old? No,

I never felt that way either. I was like, you know what? I actually had a thought. Like if you don't have a family, like you're supposed to die alone, but now I have to like say something to my child before I die. Or I have to think about, I can't die. Dude. Have you thought about

like, I don't want to have a kid because if I die when they're young, I will burden them with the life that I had to live. And I don't want to put that on anyone. And yeah, it's so heavy. So, I mean, there is a point to like, you're not supposed to, I, I would like to die surrounded by the ones I love, but without the extended burden of leaving, uh, a path in my wake that needs to be cleaned up by people. Like when I die, the only thing that's going to need to be delegated is you being like, who wants his proton pack and the cat, you know, where are you right now?

You're in a different place. I was thinking about how Rosebud's baby was at the festival and how I was just really vulnerable. At one point she goes, I'm not going to delegate anything. I'm going to say, throw everything away. When somebody dies, you throw everything away.

Nobody wants this shit. No, I'll take, like, I'll look through your records. Yeah. When I die, I would love everyone in the year. Choose somebody else, not me, though, because I'm the least sentimental person. I'll throw Samson away.

Just kidding. Just kidding. I'll take him. I'll take him. I would take him. I'll take him. You got to take the cat. But Ethan, right in the trash.

When I die, I'd love everyone. I got to take the cat. But Ethan, right in the trash. When I die, I'd love everyone to- I just imagined two of, like, Ethan's feet sticking out of the trash can in front of this apartment. Next to a puppy pad

with a bunch of shit on it. When I die, I'd love everyone to meet here and just take what they want and then, yeah, just set fire to everything else. I think I said Ethan

instead of Ian. Ethan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, don't overthink it. All right. I don't want to make any mistakes. You can have my records. Yeah. This is great. No, I went to Kenny's place

and I like I took his records. The ones that I liked. Did you go by yourself or did you bring people? I went with Lane, a buddy. Yeah. And so like, but like friends just keep going over there because his parents don't want to clean it out. So like people just go

over there and take what they want. And then, yeah. And that's how it's all going. Yeah. It's been like a long, it's still filled with stuff. If you guys need any cookware or whatever. Wow. Where is it? Where does he live? Like Crown Heights. Friends of the show

Garage sale at Kenny's house Yeah, everyone go over there And it's just this slow The landlord isn't like Well, the landlord wants it all out But the rent, I think, is paid till March So there's a little bit of time to Move all the shit out of there

That's really nice Yeah, man, it's super nice It's massively tragic and terrible all the shit out of there. That's really nice. So crazy. Yeah, man, it's super nice. Yes. No, no. It's massively tragic and terrible. It's horrible. But what the fuck are you supposed to do?

No, I, uh, it was funny. I got his, I got his laptop. Ow. Like, um, and no one could get into it for like weeks or whatever. And then I, when I went over there, I was like, I wonder if I can get into it. And, uh, everyone's like, no, no one can get in. And then right on his whiteboard, it just said computer password. And then it was like his actual computer password.

And you got in immediately. Got in immediately. That's awesome. Yeah. Was it like, uh, were there secrets? Well, so like, I wanted to like put together like video stuff that he had, he was working on and like, I don't know where, where we'll live, but I wanted to like put all that together in some sort of form and then put it out because he wanted stuff out. But when I opened it up, it connects to his iMessage and just, I got all of his texts. The text just started flying in.

Hey, don't do this to me when I die. What was it? Was people being like. Well, I just like that was overwhelming. So I just closed it. It was just people like, you know, he's dead. But like people are still, you know, like I texted after he died. And then like people just kept texting.

So like I open it up and then just. I was like, God damn. Like, I don't know. It was just people saying their last words to Kenny and I don't want to read that. So I just like, yeah.

People text. Yeah. Wow. I sent like a voicemail from my daughter to Kenny when he died. And like, yeah. Oh, and then,

and then I opened it from, it's crazy. Dude, what would be you know what'd be kind of cool is if you could get access to people's voicemails after he died and play them like on a posthumous album of his or something yeah i mean yeah i like that idea it's just like some of the stuff i think is probably so personal yeah that i i shouldn't be looking at it even though like i wear his clothes and it'll be like he's yeah i put on his clothes to look at his messages you're putting on clothes to look at videos of him having sex yeah i really hope i don't run into that kind of stuff. But it's... God, that's so fucking rough.

I guess, yeah, I called my dad a lot when he died. Drunk. A lot of drunk voicemails. I ever got a change of tire. It's crazy. You think they'll pick up. Because it's like the numbers in your phone. You think if you text or you call,

their voice will be on. It's like a phantom limb. Yeah, it is a phantom limb. It feels like that. I did that to my grandparents' house when my grand... After my grandmother died, I did that. And then I went back and smashed their mailbox

for moving into my house that I grew up in. Okay, you didn't like take a bat. That's what I was imagining. When you said smash. Oh, you smashed't like take a bat. That's what I was imagining when you said smash. Oh, you smashed it. Their mailbox. Why did you do that?

Fuck you for living in the house that they had. Oh, I grew up with a kid like that who went back to the house when somebody else bought it. Yeah. Oh, I used to go on the property and like look in the window. Okay. And like think I'd see them. Yeah, the same thing happened to this kid. He's also gay.

And he was very codependent and annoying. For the millionth time, I'm not gay. I don't, okay, you know what? Yeah, that's a consequence. Okay? You're gay. Well, you're a big fag. You're the dumbest man ever.

Well, he's out of bullets It was only a matter of time No stop You can really hurt somebody's eye Ethan What No What are you doing

That cost five dollars Stop man That's a good gun No, no, what are you doing? That costs $5. Stop, man. That's a good gun. Okay, here, hit me in the face and we'll be done with it. Hey, everybody. If you want to be cool, you got to be bilingual. Adios, mios. Picking up and moving to a foreign country isn't the cards. The best next thing is Babbel. It's science-backed language

app that actually works. Quick 10-minute lessons to keep you engaged and get you speaking a new language in as little as three weeks. Yeah. Sometimes I meet gals and they are visiting from another country and I want to smooth talk them. And then I do want to find a sugar mama that'll pay for me. I just want to be a travel boy. I would love to just go places and just be a boy that women want me around with and can quit everything and just be a paid lover man. And I need to learn languages to do it because people whose English isn't their first language, they're really dumb and they'll fall for it. That is a just kidding. So it's another

different language for just kidding. Babble is great. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our specific listeners. You got to type in Ska for the code. Babbel.com slash Ska. B-A-B-B-E-L.com slash Ska. 55% off. B-E-L dot com slash Scott. 55% off. Let's learn languages together. Let's go to other countries. And even if you don't, do it anyway because it'd be fun to learn and it would really help us out.

And people have been giving me a lot of guff about my bottom teeth and I kind of want to maybe get braces or some sort of thing and this would really help so that my smile can look bien. This would really help. So that my smile can look bien. I'm covering my bottom teeth, which bottom in Spanish is badamento. Okay.

Enjoy the show. I'm sorry. You're so annoying. Well, I don't have kids because I don't want to leave them too much stuff. Nobody will procreate with you ever. You ever do this? What?

Don't waste it. Yo, what was that? That was crazy. Oh, here, ready? Don't waste it. Yeah, you want to do it? Yeah. Yes!

God, that was awesome. That's what it's all about dog stop barking I know who's gay now that's what I was afraid of you flinched I closed my eyes because it's bright

I will quit give it to me give me the weapons it's not fun doing this it's not fun constantly being threatened. Oh, God. You're not constantly threatened. You're so... Yes, it's always...

It's chaos. Relax. Why are you holding a lighter? I just want to hold something. Pulse out a stick of dynamite Okay Alright Anyway, Kenny's dead

Kenny is Get back to it Is it just me? Am I crazy? It's too chaotic, right? The cortisol levels are You can't There's no You you must relax.

You're in a weird zone in your life. You are putting that on me. I just had a transformative, amazing weekend in Tampa. I went swimming in the Gulf of Mexico at four 30 in the morning. It was one of the worst weekends of my life. No joke. I had an amazing time. It was awful.

Yin and yang. Oh, look at this. Look at this. Look at this screenshot I took. Of what? Keep talking. I was in the Gulf of Mexico, 4 o'clock in the morning, swimming with friends.

I go, I am leap. I had a terrible December. Could not get out of bed. This was the weekend for me. Okay. Yeah. You missed your friend. The list went on

So what What was that about? This is different days Different moments Different hours Just you wanted Jordan around He just gets too excited Everyone was going

Where's Jordan? We love Jordan Why isn't she hanging out? And you would go Hey I'm going back To get the dog Take care of the dog And then I'll meet up with you.

Okay. Hey, where are you? No response. Hey, where are you? No response. Hey, I need physical space. Okay, cool. I leave.

And then I go, thank you for putting up a boundary and letting me know I love you. And then no talk. Hey, where are you? I'm here. Okay, I go. And then I'm giving you physical space. And then I get a text. I got an Uber. Want to go to the hotel? And I'm like, yeah, I'll come out. And then two minutes later, too late, it left. That's not what happened. I said, I'm getting

an Uber. And you said, I'm on my way out. And then the Uber came. I said, I called an Uber. I didn't know that you would call the Uber. I know, but I was just giving you a heads up. That's what happens when you just communicate in bits and pieces. I like that you guys found each other. Because they're both so specific. And you somehow came together. And it works even when it... No!

It was not me! Even when it doesn't? I need... You know what it is? What? It's... Should I be honest? Be honest. I am currently in the, I'm taking the SLAA stuff,

which is like sex and love addicts, anonymous. And you go through all of this work of figuring out where you were like a clingy, annoying love addict. So now I'm like intolerant to it coming at me. No offense. But there is a feeling like when somebody's like, I'm like intolerant to it coming at me. No offense, but there is a feeling like when somebody's like, I'm like, stop. I don't. You're doing the thing

that I don't. I understand, but we also have a business together and we have to have talks about specific things. You, every time I see you, you, it is. Because it's the only time I can get in your ear about anything. Talking about business is not a problem. That's not the issue.

It is a problem. It's that somebody will be like. Because you were never available. It'll be like somebody will be like. And things have deadlines. They need to be done and delegated. I never not. I talk to Ethan.

Look at the group chat. You do not. And then you go. No, but I have a thing and I can't do a thing. That's not what we're talking about. And that's okay. What I'm talking about is every time I see you, it's somebody will be like, hey, Jordan, da, da, da, da.

And you'll be jumping up and down with different things to show me behind them, which is fine. But I'll be like, one second, have a conversation. And you'll be like, and I got these shoes that I stole. And I stole this giant thing for you that you have to carry around. And I had this thing and I'm on it. And it's a constant. Do you remember when you were talking about the D.R.

and she showed us that flamingo that her and her family loved? Do you remember? So I was walking and I found a flamingo in the bushes and I took it and I was like, I have a surprise for you. He stole it. He stole somebody's like large lawn ornament. And he was in front of a Florida shop. He goes, I got you a present. He always says, I got you a present. He always says this.

I got you a present. As if it's going to be something meaningful. And then it's just a bag of rat shit. But that is meaningful. No, it's not. The flamingo made you happy. I would have. No, it didn't.

So it's like when a dog brings a dead bird to the. Yes. Cats do that. Cats do it. No, because at least he would have had to fight for that. This he ripped out of somebody's. I would rather have. That's a fight.

I would rather have the person who owned it have their Flamingo than me have now a piece of trash. No because you can't accept love. You can't accept any form of love or like hey you have value and then when I do you go get away but I'm not going to quit on you. I don't want to carry

it. You never touched the Flamingo. I carried it. I left it there. It was a nice thing. It was a set piece for the podcast. It was somebody else's stuff. When will you open your eyes and say, just I accept you. I accept you.

And also, you need to give me, I need room. And I did. That's true. Where is the flamingo? In Florida. Oh, it was left.

Yeah. And she didn't touch it once, which is fine. It was a gift that I ascribe sentimental value to. You stole shoes for Rosebud's baby that were stolen. You can't steal. It's a good story. You can't steal gifts for people. It's fun.

I'm the fucking drummer boy Robin Hood. You're almost 40. And that's no one's doing it. I'm the only one. So here's the thing. I understand. But I'm still gonna be a cat that gives you gifts. You don't have to touch them, but can you

recognize the sentimentality behind it? Yeah, I recognize that at one point I said flamingo, you saw a flamingo and you were like, what is he doing? Because I think of you. It's nice. You do memory word association. Good job. Right. Yeah. And I'll fucking find a fucking. Never mind. I was going to be. Anyway, I was in the Gulf of Mexico and I go, I'm leaving all my negativity in this water, my negative self-talk, and I'm leaving the last month behind me.

And then you get out and I'm like, here's two. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And what do you know? We didn't spend time together and it was the best weekend of my life. I had a bad time. I, because we weren't together. So I said. We weren't together so. I, because we weren't together. So I said- We weren't together so much.

No, we weren't. By the power of Jesus Christ, the one Lord and Savior, I bathed myself in the water of the Gulf of Mexico. I went underneath. I got up. I ran out. And I have been on cloud nine ever since, man. You got to get in the Gulf of Mexico.

You got to put trash in the ocean. You're just having a manic episode. Congrats. I was up for over 24 hours. I'll tell you that much. Crushed every show. Amazing. Were you scared in the dark?

As a kid? Being in the ocean in the dark? Yeah, I was. My grandmother locked me in a basement. I believe it. And that's why I broke her mailbox after she died. Like dark water didn't freak you out? No.

No. Because I thought, you know what? I'm at a point now where if something happens to me, I'm really trying to live so honestly and authentically and tell people I love them when I feel it, think of people. And if I die, I got no fucking regrets. I was on a plane with the worst turbulence of my life. Literally, people were floating, screaming, crazy.

And I was sitting in the front. I put my feet on the wall. And dude, I had the biggest fucking smile on my face. And I was like, if I fucking go down, it's all right. Yeah, yeah. You're ready to die. Is he unhinged when he says these die. Well, you know, I, I'm jealous. I, because I would be thinking about, um, what it would do to my family and, uh, all those other

people. So it is awesome that you get to just die. die. If I died right now, you'd know that I loved you, and we've had a good time on this earth. Yeah, cool. Kill me. We'll see.

Man, that would be... If we could kill you on this podcast, that would be, please, if we could kill you on this podcast, that would be great for like me. Yeah. For like my, it would get the word out about me, I think. Fuck you. You don't really want to die. No, I don't want to die.

But if I were to, I'd be okay with it. There would be no thought in my head as I'm like drowning or like, you know, going down on the plane being like, I should have, why didn't I have a, because I have feel like I finally aligned with like the person in life I wanted to be. And I have no regrets about it. I've,

I've cleaned up the wreckage. What about like practical things though? Like the, how much it would hurt if you went down in the plane? That's what I always think about. You think I've never fucking been hurt before? What are you talking about? What about the desperate struggle for air

when you hit the ocean? Or like a shark eating your leg. I'd probably laugh. That's not like incentive. Dude, I almost drowned one time and when I pulled myself out of the water, I could not stop laughing. Well, that's like a common thing.

Like when you almost die, then you laugh at the fact that you're still alive. Let's get die laughing tattoos. It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. We, this last summer, I was in Zion and there was this like landslide. Yeah. Sorry.

I was with Kenny and my friend Aaron and Choxy and we were just coming down this mountain but like there had been a huge landslide and it was just like off this giant cliff and just like every step felt like the last step and then when we got to the bottom there was just like rush of euphoria because like you you're alive yeah yeah. So I think that's like a common thing. You almost something almost happens and then you're like ah. That's the best. I'm not dead. I think that's why people become adrenaline junkies.

You know like when we went skydiving I couldn't stop giggling. After? Yeah. Totally. Right? Yeah. There was some guy that was buried alive in an avalanche. I heard that's a good way to die. He was in the avalanche for like 10 hours and somebody came up to him and was like, hey, man.

And he's just from inside the avalanche. He was like, sup, dude? Wait, someone just came up to him? A skier saw him. It's all on video on YouTube. A skier comes up to him and is like, I'm going to get you out. And the guy's like, all right, brother. Thank you.

Like, I was like, this is such a snowboarder versus skier situation. He's like, I got you. I'll get you out. He's like, word, dude. This is weird. Ow. I will say, if I were, like, stuck in, like, like, have you seen videos of those guys that go in caves

and they get stuck in the thing? Yeah. That would be a terrible way to die. And I don't want that. But if I was, like, trapped under ice. of those guys that go in caves and they get stuck in the thing? That would be a terrible way to die and I don't want that. But if I was trapped under ice, shout out. Or in an avalanche, I heard that's a good way to die because you almost go to sleep.

Yeah, it's like euphoric. Have you seen The Descent? Yeah, it's so scary. Descendants? Milo goes to college? Yes. The Descent is like, That's so scary. Descendants? Milo goes to college? You know them? Yes. Yes. It's,

what is it? Descent is like, it's a horror movie where they're like stuck in caves underground and they squeeze through tight spaces and you think they're not

going to be able to squeeze further. Once I watched The Descent recently and I started looking up all the YouTube of actual spelunkers and they get tight.

I did that too and it's like too much. Where they put the cardboard down so they can squeak their bodies. It gets me freaked out to think about it. Are you stretching so that you can have autonomy and moving? I was just like, I don't know.

I get all about being stuck in a tight space. The kid who's like you, growing up with, who's gay, he threw a blanket over me on a trampoline once and then jumped on top of me and I horse kicked him so hard, like the feeling of being

restrained. I flipped out. Good. What's your problem? I don't know. You're the kid that's gay that sees you. I don't understand. Last time I said you weren't gay and you had a hissy fit. Now I'm saying you are gay and you're freaking out again.

Because I don't like you putting on me what I am. Okay. Thank you. And me. I want to kill myself. Let me hit that vape again. You wasted it all. You blew it all out. I blew it into his face. Do me a favor. Blow it into his shit. again. You wasted it all. You blew it all out.

I blew it into his face. Do me a favor. Blow it into his shit. No, don't do it. Could I just? Don't. Drake. Don't. Drake.

He can't. Why? Because you smoked two packs a day and I'm not letting you hit the vape until you quit smoking. You love controlling me. No, it's my thing. But I also want to try this. What? You're being controlling?

It's my vape. You're letting him hit it? Yeah, he doesn't smoke. Yes, he does. We smoked outside. He smokes occasionally. He is a father. This could kill him. I have nothing. Alright, here.

We'll do it. We'll try. You can't smoke two packs and hit a vape, Ian. You will die. Alright, both of you will die. All right, both of you are getting confiscated. A little bit. Now it's dead. Can I try the horn? Can I try to blow it?

Is that okay? Yeah. You have to go like this. Oh, you know what? You should have blowed it backwards. Wow. That was good, man. Is that a Jewish thing?

Yeah, this is a Jewish shofar. You're good at that. Yeah, am I pretty good? Queer is good at blowing. Go like this. He's doing it. Why is it so fun? blowing. Go like this. He's doing it. Why is it so fun?

It sounds like a dead animal. Wow. Do it again. Do it again. You know how Uncle Laser can play the harmonica really well Blow your cheeks out Ethan leaves for two seconds Ethan's like autism activated I figured it out

Blow your cheeks up yeah every time I listen to you I lose it welcome to my world it was great that was great Yeah that was great Thank you guys You're welcome

This has been great It's worth the burden I put on my wife She can't get any work done Because Billy's running around Being crazy I actually think Billy's taking a nap right now

So she can probably Do a little something But yeah Good It is hard to work With a toddler running around Do you ever feel like When she goes

That you want to just You ever jock her Only Yeah do a little something. But yeah, it is hard to work with a toddler running around. Do you ever feel like when she goes, that you want to just, you ever jock her? Only, yeah, like in the grocery store. You ever jock her? Yeah, like sometimes if Coyote bites me, I want to just smack her. I have the instinct to just, you want to break that thing that is hurting you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What if she's like, when she does the like fake crying thing, that triggers the shit out of me. When my niece is like, I want to be like, oh, you. And I want to really. Kids are manipulative. Yeah. And my dad will. They're liars.

My dad will do that. When my daughter cries, she'll be like, oh, are you crying? Yeah, yeah. And me and my wife get so mad because we're like, you can't. It's not good. Does it work? No, she just gets more upset because someone's making fun of her. Yeah.

When I used to cry too much, my parents would call me Ionetta because I was acting like a girl. Yeah. And look how you drink now. That's not okay. When I used to cry too much, my parents would call me Ianetta because I was acting like a girl Yeah, that That's not okay You know, it was a different time My sister would always go And then beat my head into a drive My aunt would choke me Until I stopped

Like being annoying and we just called it A hug from Aunt Carol Okay, and that's a choke Yeah Like hands around the neck Oh my god and we just called it a hug from Aunt Carol. Okay, and that's a choke. Yeah. Yeah. Like hands around the neck. Oh, my God.

Yeah. That's how Aunt Carol hugs. Yeah, we called this the Kathy death grip, which is what our family would do, squeeze the facial. I don't like any of that. My mom did a thing where she'd take her knuckle like that and fucking drive it into you and you'd do whatever she wanted you to do.

Yeah, my dad kicked my butt. She punched you? You want to feel it no one time we were at a metallica concert and a guy was smoking weed in front of us and my mom goes hey can you put that out my son is right here and he goes you lady and she goes she don't with me and hit him right in the back and he goes i'm sorry and tap dance on it yeah is that great and she wore all black her nails black to be like cool because we were at Metallica. Gail

rules. She punched a guy? Yeah. It was great dude. And we brought my friend Rick who brought who was my friend down the street and on my baseball team and he got me into hard music and we used to listen to it real soft in his room because he was religious

and wasn't allowed to listen to heavy metal and he brought his friend Phil who is a neighborhood kid who something bad happened to him because he used to grab what were you saying the first time I met this kid Phil he goes hey I got you something and he gave me a

crumpled up ripped out piece of a penthouse that he stole from 7-Eleven I'm kind of like him these are like obvious crumpled up, ripped out piece of a penthouse that he stole from 7-Eleven. I'm kind of like him. Uh-oh. These are like obvious trauma that you guys are like relaying, but it is what makes life rich. You know what I mean?

Like these moments are clearly bad for the soul and for your growth. Yeah. But it's been fun listening to you retell them. Yeah. So what is that? Is it? Yeah, it's fun to hear.

Now, do you think- How bad things that happen? Yeah, yeah. Why do I have to do this? This is an unsolicited high five. It was a compliment he gave us. High five. Oh, gotcha.

Do you think as a parent you will want to give your kid trauma so they'll turn out cool? No, I'm hoping she just turns out cool and minus trauma. Yeah, she'll see some shit. She'll see a rat kill another rat. Well, yeah, already I mean, yeah.

Yeah, I think she'll be fine. I think everyone will go through their trauma. There's no escaping it because, you know, you put them out in the world and that's where the people are. It turns out if you just take a kid, even if you live in a trailer park with like a drunk who molest them, if you take your child and you go like, I love you so much and you're very happy to see them, they turn out all right. Yeah. Can I tell you something I saw on the train the other day? There was a live pigeon. It got out all right. Yeah. Can I tell you something I saw on the train the other day? There was a live pigeon. It got onto the subway. And then a

lunatic stomped it to death on the train. And there were children on the train who saw that. And I'm like, that'll do. What train? It was the L. Like coming from, yeah. Coming from where? Coming from Bushwick to Manhattan. Yeah, yeah. I kind of knew it. Wait, why did he, what. Coming from where? Coming from Bushwick. Yeah.

Yeah. I kind of knew it. Wait, why did he, what kind of crazy guy? Just like a guy on the train who was like, just a wild man. What are other descriptors? Yeah.

Did he put it on the train? He had bags. You're a good person. I'm really fishing. No, I know what you're doing. I also listened to your podcast with Shane. And so like I'm on my way over here and you guys were doing like black voice.

So that's what I think you're going for. What you talking about? When he stopped the video. No, he just was like irritated that He was like Whoa you ain't gonna fly no more child No he just was like Irritated that it was like In his space Was he like

Adios mio Oh it was in his space What was he He just like stood up And he just stomped to death And then he Sat back down And then

I have tried to catch pigeons People just got up And started moving to other trains That's what bothers me Is the people who Like one time this Little Chinese man had this samurai sword

and he was taking it out and closing it and taking the sword out and closing it and looking at this couple and like growling at them. And it was like a huge like katana.

It was like a big sword and he like get, and they get off and go to a different car and I was like, Jesus. So I get off and I'm like,

hey, there's a guy with like a sword threatening people and he's like, oh shit. And I was like, yeah,

we can't just always skip trains. Did you tell people you're like, hey, there's a guy with like a sword threatening people and he was like, oh shit. And I was like, yeah, we can't just always skip trains. Did you tell people, you're like, hey, there's a guy that just tap dance on a pigeon. No, I just moved to another car and then now I'm telling you guys weeks later.

Sometimes you can move. Sometimes there's just a guy who just... Smokers. People smoking on the train. I always just move. A guy got killed in the Bronx because he was on a train and he walked by these guys and he goes, Happy New Year. And we turned around and they stomped

him out. Jesus Christ. Wow. Yep. Who was it? Let's play that game. No, I know, but it was the guy who said Happy New Year flamboyantly dressed. I think it was a Spanish guy. The other guys were the voices we were just doing.

Well, maybe he was saying it like happy. He did follow it with you filthy animals. Like Home Alone. When they were stabbing him, he was going, it's a Christmas movie. Yeah. You never think, like, I always

hear about crime and people being murdered and that kind of, but you never really clicks in your head. I've never really thought about that. And then you say it and you're like, oh, okay. Crazy. I know. I guess someone gets murdered. Steve Rogers, I guess somebody

just came up and punched him in the head. No, Tom Takar. And it happened to Steve Rogers. But Steve Rogers got like a few times. Some comics just get got like a lot. Tommy Mac. Tommy Mac, yeah. Like some comics they just can't get to break.

He's gettable though. Yeah, he's gettable. He blacks out and then he like walks around and he's got his like vibe. And then what happens? Does he get mugged? Yeah, he's been mugged twice. What an idiot. He just took all of his stuff. Have he get mugged? Yeah, he's been mugged twice. What an idiot. He just took all of his stuff.

Have you been mugged? Because he's weak. This guy's weak. His stuff is mine. Was it my gun or knife? I don't know the specifics. I think one was... He was like, oh, friend to me is a friend to you.

I think one was a friend to me is a friend to you. I think one was a knife but Tommy will know the details of his muggings better. I think Tom said that somebody smacked Tom Takara said somebody just punched him in the back of the head one time.

God damn. Yeah comics get it. Have you been mugged? No. Steven Rogers that happened to him multiple times. The same guy.

Oh my God. No way. Yeah yeah yeah. I swear to God. I swear to God. The same guy. Oh, my God. No way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I swear to God. I swear to God. The same guy. He was like, there's my little fella. Oh, my God.

No way. And the other guy spit in his face. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I think if you're shorter and you look more vulnerable, that's when they get you. See, I'm shorter, but I know how to fucking. Well, you don't look, though, like you're going to take it.

You know what I mean? Steve Rogers looks like... Yeah, I would fuck Steve Rogers. I see him and I'm like, yeah, I might. I said the thing about I'm okay with dying. I'm ready to die. I'm probably going to die in an altercation. Because I will not take shit.

I'm getting better, but sometimes, but I think that vibe is around you. And so that'll keep you safe from like, is there, everyone's like an animal. You can kind of tell who's weak and who's strong and who's going to fight back. And also I do,

if there's like a bunch of people and it seems intimidating, I know to like how to move around. I don't let people walk behind me too close and uh i do i'll be like hey fellas like i'll say something like what's up brother yeah in in a way that makes it seem like all right things are fine you know it's different than like a blacked out tommy mack who's got a big goofy grin on his face. Oh yeah. Walking around in the dark. Guys who move from the suburbs to New York live in like Astoria in order to stay safe and then venture into like Broadway Junction in order to go to like the tiny

cupboard. Yeah. Blackout and then are wandering with like a messenger bag. And they're like, yeah, I'm just giving out paperwork to people. Those people get mugged. Paperwork? I'm just handing paperwork. This guy with clipboard gets mugged. Tommy McNamara's guy with clipboard. This guy steals your paperwork.

Paperwork. What do you got in there? Paperwork? Give it to me. You got money? Yeah, I have that too. You can have that also. That's paper.

Paperwork. You know what I mean? Steve Rogers isn't giving out paperwork all the time, but he is. What? He's paperwork, also. That's paper. You know what I mean? Steve Rogers isn't giving out paperwork all the time, but he is. What? He's paperwork, guys. His day job is to just get people to sign the bottom of his sheet. That's what he looks like.

I've seen it happen. I mean, every comic. Me and Ishmael were walking one time and he got got by, you know, Bones? The guy who... Do I know Bones? Who's Bones? He rules. He's a time and he got got by you know bones the guy who's do i know bones who's bones bones is the he rules he he's a tiny little black man who has a tall white guy with him and they get on either side of you and the white guy kind of moves close to you so you move away and then bones bumps him

to you and he drops a bag of food but it is just licked clean bones it goes you made me drop my food oh yeah that guy makes you buy him food. Oh, that guy. Really? And we were together and I was like, he, I was like,

dude, those are like socks clean. I've done that. I bought a guy. Yeah. What? He like, I knew I didn't touch him,

but he dropped something on the ground and then he's like, you gotta buy whatever. I go, you don't gotta do shit don't got to do shit. It was in Manhattan by West fourth street. That's bones. Oh yeah.

So I do know bones. Was he a little black guy? You, I, you, I don't remember his like height, but he made me, he's like, I was like, all right, we'll go to this wing spot. And then he got a 20 piece wings. And I was like, no way he's going to get 20 new wings. You got the most

wings you can get. You got God. I got God. Oh my God. I guess that is a type of mugging. You got God by bones. Yeah. I was with my wife too. And she's like, I think you got to buy that guy food to like. Just get him away. Yeah. Just to keep this from getting awkward. That's what happened where we just, Ismael just gave him the food because we were approaching Ismael's car and it was like, I don't want food to like just get him away yeah just to keep this from getting awkward that's what

happened where we just ismail just gave him the food because we were approaching ismail's car and it was like i don't want him to like shit on your car yeah dude you know you know the the the like dominican drug dealer in the village like a long beard whatever young guy kind of yes yes very um aggressive in a way sometimes he said something to a girl like she was like beautiful and she ignored him so we took a empty soda bottle and threw it at her and it hit her in the head and i was like yo are you all right and she was like i i don't know and i turned around and i was like yo fuck you don't do that and he goes what the fuck do you say i said don't throw something at a woman

and he starts walking up and i could tell like so i adjusted my posture and he was like you know who the fuck i am i go hey man it's just not a nice thing to do what if you had a daughter uh or like a sister he goes i go did do you have a daughter story in this episode is ian a hero every single time sorry i'm. You want some villain stories? Okay, one time I got stomped out because I made a guy spill something and he goes, hey, watch. I go, take it easy, Jackie Chan.

Yeah, I want those stories. And then he smashed a rocks glass on my face, stomped me out, and I couldn't teach because I broke my orbital. And I called a Chinese guy Jackie Chan and I'm sorry.

I prefer this. But I do want to know the end of the here. You convinced him that having a daughter is a. Yeah, I go, how would you feel? And he goes, I wouldn't like it. I go, see, man, it's not. And then guess what?

I like that story. Every time we see each other, we dap each other up now. I just like the idea of taking a guy who just threw something at a girl and being like, hey, man, if you had a daughter and then him understanding the logic. All of a sudden he's like, oh, I never thought of things that way. I swear to God, dude. Women could be daughters. I swear to fucking God.

Did you give him a cigarette? No, he doesn't smoke. But we dap up now. I'll introduce you. And you illuminated him. Yes. I swear to God I'm not lying okay you don't believe me do you know i do yes that's what i used to do when i also believe that if i whipped a soda bottle at a girl's head and the guy was like what if he's a daughter i would also go oh i never thought of that step it up buddy ian actually is kind of a villain in this story because he befriends the

guy who just hit a woman just She just leaves with no eye. She's like, God, you guys get along. You gotta, yeah. Do you want to hear another villain story? I got him. We'll be talking about something in bed. Yeah, it doesn't really happen to me because I go up to people and I'm like, what's up

brother? And I'm, you know, I'm like really strong and remember I was saying I don't mind dying? I actually, I do mind when people get in my business and I really put up a, I'm like, what are, it's like you're a hot girl. Like, what are, why are we trying to impress David?

Like, what is going on? Everything. I'll be like, yeah, butterflies are cool. And he's like listen my arms are ripped i get it he's probably one of the more attractive people we've had on the podcast but like just let it go i did when we smoked earlier thought that you had nice hands thank you is that what's going on? I don't know. Something's happening.

Something got triggered in your head where you were just like, I don't know what it is. I'm glad I came down here. You notice earlier you blew the smoke out of the machine into me, and then the next time you did it with your mouth and I didn't say anything? We're one for Ian. We're getting closer. The whole time he's like, so your wife's leaving you, isn't she? Don't you want more space? Trying to put a wedge

between me and my family so that I can blow smoke in your mouth all day long. I've been wondering. I'm like, what is going on? Give me that vape. It's dead.

It's dead. You killed it dead. There's no more? No, you chuffed it in Ian's fucking face. There's got to be more in there, though. It's charging. All right. Where is it charging?

I feel like you're lying to me. This is like what I do to my daughter. Like, oh no, Cocoa Melon is closed. Yeah. It's Cocoa Melon. I want it.

It's a kid's, it's a kid's show. Oh, it's closed for business. Yeah. Sleeping. She's two and a half. Oh,

wow. Yeah. It'll get so much easier. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's already so much better than like the first the first six months I just was in hell.

And now it's, like, fun to hang out with her. Dude, my buddy's son is, like, growing and, like, he's got him into golf. And he, like, obviously, I think everybody, but nobody's honest about it when they have a kid. Most people are like, no, it's such a blessing and blah, but some people are like i'm living in hell yeah but to see him get past that and now like it's like his little dude man yeah yeah backyard and you know canon's kid was at the festival too oh yeah and canon has like told me about his son and now he's like a terrorist really and like we're sitting at we're sitting and eating and i like look over and I see his son go like this to Ken, and he's like, and Ken's like, all right.

And he was like, every time I turn a corner, my kid attacks me. I can't believe these. But it looks fun. I think it was fun. All these people brought their kids to this comedy festival. Dude, honestly, and also shout out Josh Adam Myers. We went to a big brunch. It was very fun.

Santa. And Josh paid for us. Oh, that is great. Thank you. I big brunch. It was very fun. Santa. Josh paid for us. Oh, that is great. Thank you. I love that. He's the best. And it was cool, man, because I know Rosebud and Andy

and Casey and Robbie, they've been trying for a while to see their kids. Their kid was like this. To see how happy they were. It's so fucking beautiful. When I was hugging them, I almost cried.

That was a chill-ass baby. Rosebud's baby. Rosebud, like... That baby's cute, too. Which one? Rosebud's kid. So cute. What if you have a kid and it's not cute? Well, our kid looked awful. We were

unhappy. But you're so handsome. Wait, when she was a baby? Yeah, when she was born, like, she was given to us and we're both like, alright, enough's enough. I want to see what she looked like. I want to see. Do you have a picture? I don't know if I do.

No, they don't have any. Deleted them. Why? What did she look like? Just an old, fucked up man. Now, I will throw an asterisk. She's like the cutest thing in the world now. She's so cute.

But it took like a second there. Yeah, my niece was born and looked like an old Italian man. And I called her Giuseppe. Yeah. It was like a huge Italian. And she was like. Yeah, they're all born old men. The cutest. She's the cutest. She's like beautiful. But yeah, they're all born old. So cute. The cutest,

the cutest. She's beautiful. But yeah, they have to look like the dads is why they look ugly. Yeah. Is that what it is? Yeah. But when you do me a favor and not make fun of Dave's looks,

I, yeah, I thought we established you're very attractive, but they have to look like men. Yeah. They all look like old men. Yeah. It's weird.

And the wife is just like, I gave birth to my husband old, which is horrifying. That's the last thing you want to give birth to. That's why I'm also afraid of having kids. Can you imagine a fucking girl coming out looking like me? Mustache and all. That's because the men will eat them

or something in the wild. They'll throw them away. That's why babies look like old men. If it's born and it looks like Ian, you'll just be like, I don't want it. It looks like you. It looks like you. I guess that's true.

If they put Ian on my wife and they're like, this is your baby girl. Yeah. I wouldn't love that. Because I think in the wild, you don't care if it looks like an old man or a girl. You. I wouldn't love that. Because I think in the wild, you don't care if it looks like an old man or a girl. You're just like mine.

Yes. Good. Yeah. I don't need you. Uh, yes, but you're not going to have another one. No,

I've, uh, so like I, I was, I used to work in a vet clinic. Um, I have questions. Yeah.

So we gave a C-section to a cat. And so we pulled out the baby kittens from the cat and then close up the cat. And then it's not natural for cats to have C-sections. So you have to trick them. An epidural. But since it was a cat, you call it an epiperal. I'm listening to what you're saying. I'm listening to what you're saying. Well, the point is, so when a cat gives birth, it sees it and it knows and it loves it.

It's kids. Yeah. But when they don't give birth, they're just like, who the fuck are these kids? Yeah. And so she killed them all and ate two of them. Where were you? Where was I? Why didn't you stop it?

This is also in Thailand, so no one really... Oh. No one really cared. Why didn't you say that? I assume all Thai cats eat their young. I assume Thai people eat the Thai cats. I know. What the fuck's the matter with you?

They had the babies so Thai people could eat them. Yeah. Oh, I thought the cat... The cat ate them. I ate the other two Yeah, totally Totally reasonable American cat, that's a problem Yeah

Huge issue You know there are some tribes But that's how it is with parents too You're supposed to put the You're supposed to smear the pussy juice on them If you give them a C-section So that they bond to you better And you bond to them better

Yeah C-sections are very That's what I hear What? You're supposed to make the mom wet And then take the No, not pussy juice you better and you bond to them better. Yeah. That's what I hear. What? You're supposed to make the mom wet and then take the... No, not pussy juice. No, there's all this enzymes and whatever that go all over you and it's good.

You're supposed to fuck the baby when it comes out. I thought you were supposed to make the mom get wet and then take the pussy juice. You're supposed to jerk off the baby. No, not the baby, the mom. I thought you were supposed to make the mom wet and then use her wet pussy on the baby. You're saying. You take their slime.

Oh. Well, sometimes it is slimy. Sorry. Slime isn't a good word. You take their. Goop. It's not even goop. It's like.

Placenta. Placenta. Also, there's no way to get your wife off in the hospital after she just gave birth because there's like nothing left. Yeah. It's like, where do you even begin? Yeah.

She's got no lower half. Yeah. Oh, did she do natural birth? Yeah. Well, she had an epidural. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. She wasn't a cat because she'd get an epipurl. I really want that vape. Me too. You want to end it?

The episode? I feel like I'm going to freak out. What time is it? What time do we have V expo uh Brad's coming in 20 minutes I feel like we should clean up for Brad don't you think not for David yeah what the hell no he's a monster yeah no who gives a shit you just got saddled into a nice cushy life because you're attractive but we know what you are I'm a freak, we know you're a dirty landslide boy. And it's not a cushy life.

I mean, everyone's got their own little thing. No, but it's, you know, you have a wife to make things, you know, you have the... I have a wife and my place is clean. Your sponges don't smell. Roll yourself out of the insult. No, it's as insulting as it could get. Your sponges would smell like dog shit

if you didn't have a wife. Hey, I lived alone. My place was all right. Really? Yeah. When, I lived alone. My place was alright. Really? When did you live alone? Chicago. It was alright? Yeah. Do you drink? I do, but I don't like, I don't usually like drink

to excess or whatever. Yeah, I don't black out. Yeah. You don't drink and start doing paperwork on the train. He does. He does. He does. All of a sudden just scripts are flying. Staple gun comes out.

He's trying to staple stuff together. You know. Excuse me fella. Do you have a printer? Yeah. I wonder if I can shoot this. Oh they don't open. You have a special out.

It's really good. Yes. May I say something? Please. And I should have a special out. It's really good. Yes. May I say something? Please. And I should have said it earlier. I don't know if you remember, but in 2017 at Chatterbox in Covina, California. I do remember. You demolished so hard in Flip Flops, and I have

you in my phone as David Drake, Flip Flop Enterprises. And I think you were so effortlessly funny on stage and really, so good such a good fucking comic existentially scratches an itch that is needing like dude thank you so much effortlessly so good and i i think you're such a good fucking comic and i would love everyone out there to go watch his special you will enjoy it so much. Tell people about it. I appreciate you guys so much. Yeah. Thank you so much. So funny.

Every time I see you, I'm like, yes. Yeah. It's very, it's, it is very, it is like a dark,

but also silly, which is my favorite thing. Yeah. It's not good to be just dark without the silly. Yeah. Yeah. That's less fun. Yeah.

But yeah. Oh no. And that's it. Or both on YouTube. And those are, uh, the two specials. Those are the ones that are,

but that's it is the most recent one. And that's the one that I, uh, that's it are both on YouTube. And those are, uh, the two specials, but that's it is the most recent one. And that's the one that I, uh, that's the baby. Yeah. That's the one I want to share. So good. Yeah. Thank you guys so much.

Yeah, of course, man. Thank you. This is great. Jordan. Uh, do you have any plugs?

Yeah. So David Drake comedy.com. I've got, yeah, I've got five albums. Those are all there and then Do you get Spotify or uh serious plays Yeah I used to

I used to on the first two A lot and then they whatever There's that lawsuit or whatever with I'm not gonna get into the whatever but After the show I got out Yeah yeah the next two will What do you have Advice

My most recent ones are Yeah, yeah. The next two will... What do you have? Advice? Yeah. Oh. My most recent ones are one has just got up and then the other one will be up, I think, assuming in a couple months. But it doesn't even matter. They can just go to Spotify or Pandora. Just watch the most recent one and watch it consecutively. It's really good. And if you like it, share it with people.

Yeah. Tell people about it. Thank you, guys. What? It'll be in the description. Jordan, where can people find you? Punchuplive.com slash Jordan Jensen.

I've got lots of dates in California. Rooster Teeth, Feathers, The Punchline. I got some other stuff that I forget coming up. I'm not going to Vegas. Are you going for a couple days maybe? Nope.

Not even at all. Fair. And IanFightAnts.com for my dates. I'm going to be following you up the rear. In California? Yeah. American Comedy Company February 8th through 10th I'm doing

Sacramento Punchline, Seattle Labs Portland Helium Oh my god Cobb, San Francisco, please come out to that That's a full fucking room we gotta fill Efinance.com Oh and we got a live pod tour Three dates

Three cities Zany's Chicago Zany's Nashville Zany's Rosemont IanFidance.com For tickets to that Come on out Let's pack it out

Have a good time Patreon.com Slash B&E and pod We love you We thank you And we'll see you next time Bye bye We'll see you next time.