Best Friends with Nicole Byer and Sasheer Zamata - Nicole Hates Hotel Dresser Drawers

Episode Date: July 10, 2019

Nicole shares a story of a recent Tarot card reading and opening herself up for love, and Sasheer encourages her to explore her spiritual side. They discuss what they learned from a documentary on circumcision, Beyonce + Gwyneth Paltrow’s best friendship, and the time Nicole tried to joke her way out of a speeding ticket. They take listener questions about apologizing too much (it doesn’t matter) living with your best friend (Nicole and Sasheer could NOT), and “trash-ass” boyfriends (They suggest Thelma & Louise).Email or call Nicole & Sasheer with your friendship questions at:[e-mail][phone]‬This episode is sponsored by Gryphon Home (www.gryphonhome.com code: BESTFRIENDS), Instacart (https://www.instacart.com code: BESTFRIENDS), and LOLA (https://www.mylola.com code: BESTFRIENDS). Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link https://siriusxm.com/friends and code FRIENDS.

Good evening, and welcome to another episode of Best Friends, with Nicole Pyre and Sashur Zameba. Hi, Nicole. Hello, Sashur. How are you today? I'm good. How was your day? My day has been pretty good.

I did a little voiceover. Yeah. Oh, me too. Yeah. What a day. Friends who have things in common. Okay. I imagine like.

Imagine. Could you imagine ever talking like that for real? No, I could not. I would feel insane. And there are people in the world who talk like that naturally. It's oh boy i had my tarot cards read last night and are you dying because of it yes um so it was like really interesting because uh i had my tarot cards read in um where the fuck oh new orleans for your when we went down there for your special and the guy was like i don't really know you really pulled some interesting cards i don't know philip no i just went to the man that was there he was like i can tell you what each card

means but they don't seem to really have a correlation also you pulled everything upside down let's do it again i pulled the cards again they're all upside down he was like huh i think you need to just like get some some away time from people and like just spend some time alone and i was like i paid 65 for someone to tell me to go to like palm springs and then um a lot of times i pull card like a lot of upside down cards what does that mean i don't know what that means um i also cut the deck weird i didn't realize that cutting the deck means you cut it like three times. I cut it like a hundred times. I don't know. It was fun.

But so last night it was like I'm a confident person with a lot of masculine energy. And people are attracted to me. And that was like in my past. But that like influences your future or whatever. And then my, like, current card was a heart with, like, a bunch of swords in it to signify that I'm going through heartache and I'm sad. And then another card was I need to feel sadness and feel my heartbreak in order to move on but the heartbreak's not my fault uh and then i got i pulled a lot of coin cards where it was like you know how to make money uh money is not going to be a problem for you which i was like that's nice um and then my future

card was like um oh it was like monetarily I'm like good, but spiritually I'm not solid. And I need to acquire spiritual abundance and that I'm resisting moving on from things. And because I you're supposed to have a question in your brain. And, you know, the question on my mind is always uh when when will i find somebody will i ever find someone is the person i found who i like going to be the person for me and it was like you have to it was like you're confident making money you're not confident spiritually and you're resisting things and i was like well i know how to make money i just don't know, I can't make someone fall in love with me.

And then my friend who was reading my cards and her roommate were like, that's not it. That's not love. You can't look at it as making someone fall in love with you. You have to look at relationships as like, you learn something from someone and like your heart is open. And I was like, yeah, but, and then like I was literally resisting in the moment.

And I got home and I was like, oh this a lot of this makes sense to me. So I wrote a letter to a couple of gentlemen, like including my dad, like who've been in my life, who have affected me negatively. I put my dad in there because he's affected. I have daddy issues, you know, when it comes to romance. So I like wrote things that he did that affected my love life. And then I wrote a letter to a couple gentlemen. And then that felt good. And it felt like I was releasing something.

So I feel very good now about my love life. Even though I'm still single, I know that this year I will find somebody. I just, I'm putting that out there. Yeah. And then I'm trying to like just keep my eyes open spiritually. And then I address the envelopes, but I didn't put stamps on them and I'm going to put them in the post office and just see what happens. I don't know.

But won't they come back to you? No. I'm not going to put any addresses on it. I'm just going to put their names on the front. Oh, no addresses at all? Yeah. No return address? I'm just going to mail it.

And wherever it lands, it lands. I don't know. I'm just putting my feelings on an adventure. Mm-hmm. What? That's stupid. You hate it. No, no, no.

No, I was honestly so on board the whole time until you got to the post office part well I don't want to keep the feelings I want to mail them out oh why don't you just burn it or like rip them up no I think it's funnier to put it in a post office uh little box and then maybe maybe the mailman will give it to someone with uh with that man yeah I don't know maybe someone will read it who needs to hear it maybe I'll just end up in the trash but like. I don't know. Maybe someone will read it who needs to hear it. Maybe I'll just end up in the trash. But like maybe, I don't know, maybe someone at the post office will go, there's no address on this.

It's just a man's name. Men are dogs. I'm opening this up, see what it's about. And maybe they'll read it and go, oh, shit, these are my feelings too. I should move on as well. I don't know. Yeah. You're going to really empower some post ladies maybe life maybe they'll read the dad one and be like you know what my dad fucked me up too

yo what up dad you fucked me up i don't know all right or nothing could happen yeah but you're not gonna put your name on it no okay and then their real names aren't on it. Okay, good. I changed them. Yeah. Cool. To names that are close enough. So close. That's funny. Yeah. Oh, and then last night was just like a pretty good night. Like I felt good with my spiritual side, my feelings and stuff. Yeah.

Because I don't know how much I actually believe in tarot cards, but like they've been pretty on point with things. Yeah. And then my friend Jason also had his pulled, and they were so on point for him. It was, like, kind of wild. And then I had a pole dancing class last night. My whole right side is very, very fucking sore. We learned how to do a Peter Pan spin, which is so hard. Yeah, I didn't know what it was until you showed me the video. A peter pan spin is as if you were laying on the ground on your stomach with your legs spread, but you're not on the floor.

You're on a pole suspended in the air. Yeah. It was so hard. But then we did this around the world. But instead of completely stepping, you put your thigh onto the pole so your legs are straight and you pull yourself up. It was really fun. And that one I got pretty quick. I was like pretty floored.

Oh, I can't wait to see it. It's very fun. Wait, I want to go back to this tarot card stuff. Oh, sure. That sounded like a really great reading. Yeah. Do you have an idea of how to get more spirituality into your life? I try to do mindful thinking when I'm upset.

So like if I'm upset to just like take a break, breathe and go, what's really making you upset? Is it the thing that's actually happening or is it something that happened earlier and you're bringing it into this? I think I spend a lot of time alone on the road. I think I spend a lot of time alone on the road, and I think, well, I've been trying to work out while I'm on the road just so I do something that, like, releases endorphins or, like, makes me feel like I've accomplished something. And I think I need to do a little bit more. I think I need to go on walks by myself when I'm in these weird places. I don't think it includes like, because when I was out of town last weekend, I was like, oh, you haven't talked to anyone today.

That's bad, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, well, that's not that bad. Maybe if you just like got one with yourself, you would feel a little bit better. I don't know. I think I need to be nicer to myself when I'm on the road. For sure. Yeah. Rituals. For sure. Yeah. Rituals are cool too.

Yeah. I mean, whatever you want, but you know, some people like. Like cutting the head off a dog or something and like praying to Satan. Like a ritual. That is, that can be someone's ritual. I mean like, I mean not to be like LA, but you know, like, putting your energy towards something or, I don't know. I, like, make this, like, apple cider vinegar concoction every morning and then, you know this. You don't know this.

I didn't know it was an every morning thing. Yeah. Apple cider vinegar, hot water, honey. Are you trying to live forever or something? Hell yeah, dude. Fuck yeah, dude. You're trying to get out of here, honey. You trying to live forever or something? Hell yeah, dude. Fuck yeah, dude. You're trying to get out of here, but I'm trying to stay. I'm really trying to get out of here.

I'm like, I'll eat day-old hamburgers, and hopefully that's my ticket out of here. Truly, you do live like you're trying to live forever. Why not? I'm just trying to take care of myself. I'm having a good time. Okay. I'm having a little longer. Now I'm trying to take care of myself just because I feel like when you're unhealthy and you get older, like life gets really hard for you.

Yeah. Where you're like, you move too fast and you're like, well, everything's broken. Now I'm just a bag of bones. Oh, no. My bag of bones is rattling. I didn't brush my teeth for 30 years and now I only have gums. Oh, it's so hard to chew with just a gum. But easy to suck a dick.

The old prostitute. Yeah. I mean, if I were to become a prostitute, I would pop out all my teeth. Oh, God. I absolutely would, because then I'd be known as, like, the young gum. And everyone would come from big and small towns to get sucked off by me. Do you think you would incorporate your gums with it? Yes.

Like rub the dick with your gums? Yes. Especially around the sensitive parts. On a circumcised penis, it's right under the head, right where the foreskin has been cut. We know because we watched a documentary on circumcision. Yeah. And it was fully intense it was really intense and maybe and it also like totally explains why men are so crazy yes because their

first uh memory is trauma yeah sexual trauma sexual trauma they get they get pinned down yeah they get i didn't know that yeah i mean i guess i don't know how I thought it happened. I call them brisks. A brie? A brisk. A brisk? No K. A brisk. The baby's held and then they cut it. But in a hospital,

they pin them down, strap their arms down in a star and then do it. And the machinery they were showing was crazy like archaic yeah just like old school shit and then um can opener one the the reason why they don't give babies like a sedative or put them under any sort of anesthesia is because they were under the impression uh oh josh what are you pulling up yeah that first one that's what they yes isn't that nuts the what's it called uh they were under the impression that circumcision clamp scream and

then stop crying because they don't actually feel the pain but they stop crying because they go into shock yeah which is like i'm not a mom but like i. Yeah, I don't want my baby to go in shock immediately. And then, at the end of the documentary, they top it off with a bunch of men trying to reclaim their foreskin. Yeah.

And not to laugh at them. I know, but they just, but what a crusade to like, they need some rebranding, honestly. A little bit. They need some like,

cool people to be on board. because it was like a strange man in a rocking chair who's like, I wear a weight on my dick for 10 hours a day it takes a long time for the foreskin to come back but you know what i can jerk off and it's good for me it was so wild and then there's that man who's like i can come just by the wind hitting my oh manins. Oh, man, yeah, he was intense. He gives talks.

Yeah, he does like TED Talks on like having foreskins, which just sounds like he's like bragging. I can cum whenever I want. He's so wild. Josh, are you circumcised? I am. I'm Jewish, so. Do you hate being a producer?

Very invasive questions. I'm ready for whatever. Okay okay i think most men in america are circumcised um you had never seen we went to a fucking movie and there was an uncircumcised dick on the screen and so she leaned over and went what's wrong with it and i said what do you mean what's wrong with it she goes why i know that's you mean what's wrong with it? She goes, I know that's a penis, but why does it look like that? I said, you've never seen that before? And you said, no. I said, it's just an uncircumcised penis. And something changed in you.

And you were like, oh. And I was like, that's the foreskin. And you went, oh. And where does it go? And I was like, when it gets hard it like retracts and you're like retract it was really funny to see i never you understand it all i guess yeah i don't and i don't know how i never saw it i guess it makes most men in america i think are circumcised i never saw a picture of it before i never saw a picture of it before. I never saw a video of it before.

Never in my life have I saw it. And this was recent. This was like last year or something. Yeah, it was last year. I was like, I just don't know why it looks like this. It was just so funny. What? What's wrong with it?

Why does it look like that? Just so quiet too but um now i know now you know now you know what an uncircumcised penis looks like i like them yeah i mean i like them uncircumcised i like them circumcised like dicks i really do i love a dick yeah but uh like a uncircumcised penis is easier to jerk off because it gives you like the extra sleeve. It's like a sleeve. Yeah, it's like those old toys from the 90s that Zany Braini's used to sell. I mentioned it on my podcast and people sent me a bunch of pictures of them.

Can you look up Zany Braini jelly tube toy? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. tube toy yeah oh oh okay yeah it's i believe this was invented by a man who was uncircumcised and he was like man i'm having a time i i think kids are gonna love this little boys who are missing out on their foreskin should play with this does it roll in and out? Yeah, it just makes it really easy to like just kind of jerk. Can you put your dick in it? I don't think the hole is big enough for that.

Now we're watching a video. Yeah, of a little girl. Yeah, see? It just, it's like never ending. Yes. That's what it's like. Yep. It's also so wild.

Yeah, why is that a toy? It's so weird. This looks very sexual. Isn't it so phallic? The video we're also watching is like, this is definitely for pedophiles, right? This is a little girl. The camera is crotch level. The squishy toy is in her hand and she's just like rolling around.

Yeah, it's a little wild. Do you think it says anything for those like i grew i had one when i was a kid i had one too oh maybe so have people practice jerking something off so when you grow up the men don't have to explain it to you yes the boys get good at it and the girls are open to it do you remember the first dick you jerked off let me think about that do you do you remember i'm now that i'm i've asked i'm trying to think um i mean i yeah i guess it was my first boyfriend because i didn't really do anything before that i don't remember i'm also not even certain it was him maybe after that hmm do you remember the first time you were fingered?

Yeah. It's not a good story. Mine was outside a bar. Fun. Awesome. Not a great story. Yeah. Oh, boy.

Well, let's move on from that. Oh, boy. The history of Beyonce and Gwyneth Paltrowvere's friendship this is a segment that we like to call celebrity best friends wait where's the we don't really need it so this segment is called Celebrity Best Friends. And I didn't know this, but she brought it to my attention that Beyonce and Gwyneth Paltrow are best. They're very good friends. They're best friends. Seems like they're good friends.

Yeah. They're like always talking about each other. Not always. I don't think either of them do any interviews anymore. But for a time they were best friends. I honestly sometimes believe that Hollywood best friendships are not built to last. For a time,

you have something in common. Yeah. And then you grow apart because you are very famous and like really living. Yeah, things happen. You travel. So we got this picture

of Gwyneth telling Beyonce something funny, which i don't buy beyonce's got a an okay wig um let's see the meet cute this is the meet cute there's speculation that they met through their husbands jay-z and chris martin and gwyneth ultimately explained that they met the couple at a benefit in New York some years back. We just kind of hooked up and became really close, she told Ellen DeGeneres in 2010. So this is a little old. They're incredible people.

They're very kind, generous, good, good people. Good, good. They got that good, good. That good, good. I don't normally do that. Oh, so this is till 2015 they were friends. And now we got Beyonce, Jay-Z, and Gwyneth clapping at a... At a concert? It's probably a Coldplay concert.

Mm-hmm. And I'll tell you something. Oh, Beyonce also performed with Coldplay at the Super Bowl. Oh, at the Grammys sports. The Grammys of sports, yes, the Super Bowl. Not that long ago right yeah although gwyneth and chris split by that by then but maybe they're still friends maybe they're still yeah maybe they maybe well they consciously uncoupled this true so conscious uncoupling yeah and i think

that means they they didn't end on bad terms i guess so right so yeah so i guess they didn't have to split up their friends because it was a conscious effort. Oh, so Beyonce said that she's incredible. She's a great friend on every level, which I think is really wild because Beyonce is not known to talk about anything in her personal life. I know. But it was at the premiere of her documentary, Life is But a Dream,

which there was billboards all over LA and they split up her name to make it spell Bayonce. And I was like, who is this Bayonce? And I felt so stupid. Also, the movie Widows, John and I thought it was Windows. So every time we pass the billboard, we'd be like, who's in the window? And then we were telling our bit to his boyfriend, and his boyfriend his boyfriend

goes widows the movie is widows damn you've made multiple times that's like a mistake that you definitely want to make by yourself and now uh-huh and now john's right there with me i think i screamed windows and then i think he just never double checked it. I was on a date once and there was a drink. We were at like a tiki bar and it said bowl drinks. But I glanced at it and was like, what's a blow drink? And this man looked at me, looked at the menu, looked at me again. And I was like, is he never going to tell me? And he went, Nicole, it says bowl.

And then I threw my head back and laughed really hard. And I went, maybe I'm dyslexic. And he went, Nicole, it says bull. And then I threw my head back and laughed really hard. And I went, maybe I'm dyslexic. And he went, um, maybe. But guess what? He dated me for a little bit after. So I guess jokes on him. Jokes on him. I'm still dumb.

I'll never get smarter. There was one time we were driving. You were driving. I was in the passenger seat. And the speed limit said either i think it said 35 and you said 55 and i was like 35 it's just a whole other number it's not even or maybe something else where i think both the numbers are wrong you just completely read a different number and i was like no just no it's not that

uh i think what happens is i like something, and then I just start talking. Do you remember when we got pulled over in Washington? Uh-huh. And we rented a drop-top BMW and immediately went to a thrift store. Uh-huh. To stun on the poor people. Which was our joke, but, like, we— That's not why, but like, that's not why we did it. That's not why we did it.

We love deals and we love thrift stores and we bought things. But we got pulled over because I was speeding and the officer goes, do you know why I pulled you over?

And I said, no. He goes, you were speeding. Why were you speeding? And I said, uh, look at this car.

You did. And then, I don't even think you hesitate. I think you're just like, look at this car. It's a top bmw it's cute he's like okay and just like walked away and then you were like i didn't know i was speeding um i'm sorry yeah any of these other options just lie and then i said what if he comes back and i said i was trying to take you to freedom because you were wearing

oh yeah i was wearing a headscarf headscarf i'm trying to take you to freedom because you were wearing. Oh yeah. I was wearing a headscarf. A headscarf. I tried to take my sister to freedom. And you were like, don't you dare. Yeah. And it took everything in me not to say it. It would have been so funny. I'm just like,

just limit our interaction with this cop. I'm fully just trying to die. You really are. I'm black getting pulled over and being like, let's see how funny we can get before I get shot. we're two black women in a fancy car i don't think he likes that like let's get the fuck out of here and don't talk to him anymore and then he came back and he gave us the did he give us a ticket yeah he gave me a fucking ticket and you're like i promise i won't do it again i was like now you're admitting that you knew you didn't did it

well i figure if i'd have paid 400 to the state of Washington, I'll let you know. Okay, so Beyonce. Oh, yes. Okay, the greatest perk of being their friend is I have a relationship with people who are also, who have similar, I mean, obviously I'm not as famous or successful as they are, the Oscar winner, added humbly. That's so funny. So, yeah, she likes them because uh they're famous they're both famous yeah i mean gwyneth really loves talking about her she's a powerhouse gwyneth described blue ivy blue ivy's a powerhouse blue ivy's a child she's like the boss of everything

and she can do all the choreography. See a chandelier video. And she's just super smart. And I love her so much. That's hilarious. Do you remember when Beyonce was describing Blue Ivy to Oprah, I think? And she was like, she's fire. She is fire. Wind.

She is. I love Beyonce. The way she speaks is truly like she is God. But she kind of is. It's slow. It's calculated. That is smart, though. I want to be better at interviews because I feel like I'm always like, um, and, uh,

like, and, um, uh. It is hard. Interviews are hard. Especially when they just transcribe what you say. Totally. And they leave in all the likes and the ums and you're like, cool. Now I sound like an idiot. Or they don't rephrase what you said to make it make sense. I mean, there was a sentence earlier

where Gwyneth was like pausing and saying if you hear her, I'm sure it makes sense, but reading it, it's like, what is she saying? Let's see. Oh, so Gwyneth revealed that she got in touch with Beyonce and Jay-Z after the whole Met Gala elevator incident with Solange. I never say, what's going on?

She recalled her reaction to the news, meaning she wouldn't just sit there and speculate. If any of my friends had anything like that, I call right away, absolutely. If someone's clearly going through something, I'll always go straight for it. Now, why is she talking about that? Because they probably asked her about it?

Yeah, but I'd still be like, that's their privacy. Like, that's their business. I think people have a really tough time with that. Like, when you were on SNL, I had an interview where this guy was like, so, so she got SNL and you didn't. I said, yeah, that's how that happened. And he was like, and how do you feel about it? And I was like, I'm really proud of my friend and really happy for her.

But, you know, I'm here to talk about my show. And he was like, yeah, so, like, how is she doing there? And I was like, you'll have to ask her. And he's like, so you're not friends anymore? I said, no, we are friends. We talk every day. But it's her experience. You'll have to ask her.

And he goes, oh, so you talk every day. So you are still friends. And I was like, yes. And he's like, so you don't, but you don't know what's going on with her and you don't talk about it and I was seething in that moment because I was like I already told you in all of the words I know possible that you have to ask her yeah I'm not going to talk about somebody else I try not to ever have a comment on something that's going on in pop culture just because like why I don't maybe I have an opinion about it but like honestly ask them yeah it's really like what the whole Kevin Hart thing was happening I have an opinion about it but like honestly ask them yeah it's really like what

the whole Kevin Hart thing was happening people kept asking me about it and I was like you'll have to ask him yeah I mean he apologized he said he wasn't going to but then he did I don't know people just love clickbait and it's like like this person's not even here no I've never worked with them we're not talking about this project we're talking about something else now like i mean i guess heaven forbid have a article that's just about the topic you're talking about but it's like i hate having to do all this like conversational gymnastics to be like i'm not talking about this right now like we're talking i want to talk about this movie i'm doing or this or the stand-up that i'm like especially stand-up where i'm like i'm only in this town talking about stand-up.

And yet you're asking me about these other comics who are not here. Or my old job that I haven't worked at for two years. Or, like, just, like, so many things that are not necessary, but they're just waiting for some clickbait. It's like this is the time that you're going to. You're the person I'm going to tell all my secrets to. Right? Oh, yeah, you're right. Big mama in the gang in Huntsville, Alabama. That's exactly who I'm going to tell all my secrets to. Right? Oh, yeah, you're right. Big mama and the gang in Huntsville, Alabama.

That's exactly who I'm going to reveal all the tea to. Get out of here. So annoying. Let's see. Should we do some voicemails? Oh, yeah. Why are you rubbing your eye? I think there's a hair in there or something or like a lash maybe. What would your parents do when you got a lash in your eye? Blow in my yes that's not it i don't think that you tried to do that to me and

you got really mad but i wouldn't let you like a freak what you don't remember this you were pissed at me this is when bb was in town and we uh god or we're trying to get drinks or dinner or something at that place downtown. It was like not that fun of a place. There was a pineapple drink or something. Tom George's in downtown LA. One of the worst places I've ever been in my life. I hate Tom George's in downtown LA. Wow.

All right. Now, what would you like to say? Well, we were waiting for a table we're at the bar i had i was rubbing my eye at something in my eye you i guess as you do called it out and uh i was like oh it's fine i'm just gonna rub it off and you're like well let me just blow in it and i was like no not at this bar you're like let me look in there let me blow in it i was like no i do not want you to blow in my fucking eye as we're standing by the bar holding our drinks.

And you're like, well, your eyeliner's gonna come off. And I was like, I don't give a shit. I'm only talking to you and PB right now. I'm not trying to look good for anybody. And then you like shut down and were so cold the rest of the night. And I was like, because you didn't blow in my eye. I don't, you're not my mom.

Let me blow in your eye. No, you weirdo. I don't want you to blow in my eye. Let me just get some wind in my eye i don't you're not my mom let me blow in your eye no you weirdo i don't let you blow in my eye let me just get some wind in my mouth no and push it out into your eye so weird and i was like i got it if i need help i'll let you know blow in your eye no i can't explain why i got mad it was so weird you just chose to be mad about that. Well, what a treat to talk about Gwyneth and Beyonce and Jay and Chris Martin. Who's Chris Martin dating now? I don't know. He was dating Jennifer Lawrence at that point, and then that stopped.

But then she started dating Darren... Aronofsky, for sure. The Black Swan Man. Mm-hmm. But they're done, too. Oh, Dakota Johnson. Wow. The black swan man. Mm-hmm. But they're done, too. Oh, Dakota Johnson. Wow.

So his type is white. That's three white women in a row. Can you imagine? Can you imagine only dating white people? Well, you can. I actually can well let's listen to a voicemail yes my name is kate and i am in college and i see my best friend all the time and when you see your best friend all the time sometimes you get into this weird roadblock of when you're both just apologizing because you feel like you've

weirdly offended each other um so sometimes you get stuck in a you get stuck in like a little bit of a cycle where like i say i'm sorry and she says she's sorry that i feel bad and i say i'm sorry that she feels bad and so it never ever ever stops so what's a good way to put a stop to that you guys are both fantastic whoa that's literally never happened to me before um a cycle of apologies hmm i mean that's a nice problem to have at least they're both yeah apologizing for something um what are y'all doing tossing each other down the stairs well they're in college so so probably not much. You know? Hmm.

So one person's apologizing, and the other person's like, no, I'm sorry I made you feel bad. No, I'm sorry I made you feel bad. I mean, honestly, what a dream. I can't even... You know how many times I wanted someone to say, I'm sorry I made you feel bad? I can't even imagine what that's like. But I guess one of you just stopped saying sorry

maybe get to the root of why you keep apologizing to people yeah what is going on that you guys are so apologetic yeah it also feels like i guess when you're like close to a person you don't have to apologize so much yeah i think you only really need to apologize to someone you see all the time and are super close with is if you see a change where like like if if i'm with you and you're quieter than usual after i've said something maybe racy maybe racy'll go, did I cross the line? Do you, are we okay? Mm-hmm.

I don't, also, I feel like we don't really get mad at each other. No, I don't, no. And it also, I feel like, gets squashed very quickly. Yeah. This sounds like a young person problem, honestly. Yeah. It feels like. Sorry, we're too old.

Sorry. Honestly, when you hit 30, you stop caring about, is this person that okay? Because I feel like that might be a situation where it's like, someone said, this bothers me. And you're like, oh, sorry for making you feel bad. Oh, I'm sorry I even made you feel uncomfortable by bringing it up. That part's not necessary. You don't have to apologize for making the other person feel bad because you brought up a thing that made you feel uncomfortable by bringing it up. That part's not necessary. You don't have to apologize for making the other person feel bad because you brought up a thing that made you feel bad.

As long as you're on the same page and that person is aware of it now, that's the end of it. There's nothing you need to be sorry about for even bringing it up. You bring it up because you need to bring it up. Not because, yeah, whatever. That's not a moment for either of you to feel comfortable. It's okay if it's uncomfortable. Uncomfortable moments happen all the time.

It's a relationship, and they will continue to happen relationships are like underwear you know they'll be uncomfortable sometimes they cover your pussy but sometimes you'll get a frontal wedgie that's not where i thought that was going oh where did you think it was gonna go something about being uncomfortable or like yeah frontal wedgie is uncomfortable okay have you ever had a front wedgie where there's fucking fabric in your pussy and you're trying to walk around an amusement park very specific and it's fucking the day before new year's eve and everyone in florida is hideous and you your underwear is just like maybe two sizes too small and you have to wait an hour to

fucking like even get to the front to get on a fucking ride and then some of these rides aren't even good fucking rides oh actually that has happened to me now that you said it all out loud that actually the exact same thing happened to me okay let's read this email do you would you like me to read it i'd like you to read it, please. Nicole and Sashir, hello. I have a best friend who I met online 12 years ago. We have never lived in the same town, but we visit each other once or twice a year. Sometimes for a weekend. Sometimes for a few weeks.

It never feels like enough time with them. Last year, I moved to the Bay Area. After that, my bestie moves to san diego circumstances have arose recently and now i'll be moving down south to live with my best friend i am both excited and nervous i have lived with friends before and also lost friendships because of budding personalities and habits budding budding but that's a little what the person typed that's all

yes this isn't me trying to do a joke have you two ever had to share space for a long time with each other did you have some rough patches

had you both work through it thank you so much Maddie P.S. I've been such a big fan of both of you forever and root

for your success daily congratulations on being beautiful and thriving and thank you for feeding us excellent comedy content. Maddie, what a treat. Thank you. Keep us in your prayers

every fucking day. Thank you, Maddie. How long has it been since we've been in the same space together? When we went to Mexico and then Palm Springs. I think that was like two weeks together. Pretty uninterrupted.

I think we did get a little snippy sometimes but it's two weeks uninterrupted. It's just the two of us. In Mexico it was truly just the two of us. We couldn't make any friends at this fucking resort. No matter how hard we tried. Except for that one old lady. Oh my gosh, she loved you.

There was this old lady with her daughter and they were walking and she had this big necklace. Or no, her daughter had a big necklace and she had like a cute tank top or something. So I went, oh my goodness, I love your necklace to the daughter. And then I looked at the older woman. I went, I know you need a compliment too.

This tank top is very cute. So just so you know, you're cute too. I know you needed to hear that. And she was like, ha, you knew it. You knew I needed to hear that I was cute, too. And she was like, ha, ha, ha. And I was like, oh, let me get the fuck away from this woman. She loves me too much. So then we ran into them later. And I was you and i told you the story and the lady was like it's you you knew i needed a compliment i told my sister my brother my son-in-law my other son i called canada flight distance and then the daughter was like trying to push her away like

come on mom like let's go leave these nice ladies alone. She loved it. She really did. And I think it's just because I like, I don't know, really just read her fully to her face. Yeah. She's like, you know it. You know I'm selfish and can't even see my daughter get a compliment without trying to steal the compliment. Well, what was this? Oh, okay. Yeah. i guess the question is like

we could never live together i agree and i fully know that yeah it's like when we share a hotel room one side is messy it's very terrible and then i'm like complaining i can't find anything and it's like well yeah because you dumped everything on the floor. And then yours is very neat. You don't use drawers like a psychopath. Everything is very neat. If I ever saw you put a thing in a drawer in a hotel, I would probably rethink our whole friendship. Like if you hung up things other than a coat, I would rethink our relationship.

Wait a minute. Sometimes I do, though. No, I've never seen it. Wait, but are you saying you like that or you know i do not it'd be crazy you put your shit in drawers at a hotel it depends on how long i'm staying you don't live there that's not your home those are not your drawers yeah yeah why would you put things in drawers you just take out later keep it in the suitcase baby so it's not like a huge pile on the floor. Wait.

So you do use drawers. Yeah. I've never seen this. I guess. This is sick. I don't know. This is disgusting. I don't know if it was an option before.

Wait, do you use drawers in hotels? No. Jordan? Nobody does. Yeah, you're sick. Y'all are ganging up on me. You're sick. And I bet you if we found anybody roaming the streets outside they would all say no we're not psychopaths you know what though my mom

always uses the door to the hotel she always like puts uncompletely impacts the suitcase uses the closet uses she's an older woman but i if you're gonna be somewhere for a while how long how long i don't know like Like a week or so? Then you don't want to just keep rummaging through your suitcase. You want to have your stuff out so it's organized and you can see it. You fold shirts and put them in drawers of hotels. I don't fold shirts. It's insane.

This is the wildest thing I've ever heard in my life. This is nuts. I just put them in the. I'm so mad. I'm steamed. I'm steamed. I'm riding an alligator. I'm so mad. I got a pop off.

My lid is blown. I'm so angry. All right. Oh my God. Guess I'm weird. Sorry. Guess this is a crime. But honestly, I don't think I would ever live with my best friends i don't think i would either

but i well i have lived with best friends i lived with my best friend evan on and off for like i don't know five years or something but it was like more often on and when we lived together we would get into a lot of fights uh so like we just we did not work living together but like he's my dear friend and i love him dearly um jen jen became my best friend after we lived together um john millhiser also became like my best friend or like my dear friend after living together so i think but also it takes a very special person to live with me. A very special person. But yeah, like friends that I was friends with before we lived together. I don't, that's, I can't do that.

Yeah. Like Mateo and I became really close while we were living together and after. But we didn't know each other at all before he moved in. I couldn't live with Mateo after knowing him. That sounds mean. at all before he moved in. I couldn't live with Mateo after knowing him. Yeah. That sounds mean. What I mean is like his, how do I say this nicely? I mean, it's not mean.

It's just like I know I couldn't live with him. Yeah, that's okay. Yeah, like I think we would really grind each other's gears. Really grinding my gears. I think that's like you find similarities in friends, and that's where your friendship really kind of starts with things you have in common and stuff. And then having too much in common with somebody, and then you have full-blown other thoughts than that person. Like you putting your stuff in hotel drawers.

Deal breaker, man. I could never live with you. I think you also need a caretaker slash roommate. You need someone who's going to, like, wake you up, find you food, clean up a little bit after you. You are clean. You're not, like, disgusting. No, I'm cluttered.

Yeah. I'm a very cluttered person. Papers and stuff like that that takes me a long time to go through my mail oh I mean when I saw John folding your laundry I was like could never could never would never definitely no I didn't even ask him to and and but you know I'm sure something happened where he was like I feel like I have to I never asked asked him to. He just did it. Well, then I don't want that either. I don't want to be like hypnotized into something. What?

I left stuff in the dryer for the last two days. You just remembered that? Yes. Fuck. Because I got home Sunday. Well, it's dry, right? It should be. Well, then it's fine.

It's not like wet. Yeah. It'd be worse if it was sitting in the washer. I'm just really trying to like finish tasks yeah oh sunday i didn't take my medicine this explains it okay yeah sick sick all right um okay hi nicole and sashir my best friend and i have been like sisters since we were 13 years old we've remained extremely close despite residing in two different states and having polar opposite lifestyles she was engaged to to a couple, oh no, to a complete asshole.

And after going on vacation with me, she decided to end the engagement. After the breakup, she was doing really well, meeting lots of new people. But the asshole found his way back into her life. And now they're back together. Uh-oh. He blames me for ending the engagement and becomes enraged when he hears her on the phone with me. Oh my god. She's unhappy in their relationship, but for some reason can't leave him again.

Oh, no, he's beginning to drive a wedge in our friendship. It stresses me out when she calls because, oh, my God, I don't want him to yell at her for being on the phone with me. I hate that we have to sneak around in order to continue our 14 year long friendship. So she's 27. Should I distance myself from her until she finally leaves him or should I continue to speak my mind about how toxic he is? I love you both so much. Congrats on the podcast. This is tough.

Damn. I think, honestly, your friend needs to get into some sort of therapy. Yeah. Because that's abusive. Yeah. That's fully abusive. Yelling at her for talking to her friend. Yes.

Because he thinks that if she continues talking to her friend they're gonna break up again which is like him like him setting limits on who she speaks to on the phone is fully abuse but that's not the person who asked us the question i think you need to tell your friend that she needs to talk to someone who's not you about like fully talk to a therapist about the relationship because I think she's an abusive relationship. Yeah. Um, and if you tell your friend this, tell her that,

um, it's not just like therapy therapy. She can do sliding scale therapy, which she just has to bring a pay stub. Um, and they'll just, you know, based on what she makes that week or whatever,

like you pay like, you know, 20 bucks or whatever. There's also an app on the phone where you can text a therapist. I don't think that's too expensive. But I do think you need, like, a third-party person to, because if you say this is abusive and if you say he's bad for you, then, like, I, it's a tough thing. Because, like, they get married and then you're the one at the wedding who wedding who was like I was the one who was shitting on this whole relationship.

And then. Yeah. You can't force this friend to do anything. You can. Bring forth the topic. But it's up to that person on their own to decide if this relationship is serving them in a healthy way. Yeah, I was in a bad thing and I would talk to you about it a lot. And I would say two out of ten times you would go, I really don't like this and I think this is bad.

But the other eight times you didn't say anything, which I mean, like I'm not saying, helpful or whatever, but, like, I know it's bad. I didn't need you to tell me all ten times. I just needed you to listen to me. Yeah. Yeah, there was, like, there were moments when I realized you weren't telling me stuff, and I was like, well, I'd rather hear the stuff than not hear it at all, so I'll just listen, and then when I think it's getting really bad, I'll just be like, hey, this is something I think should stop.

Yeah. This is tricky, though, because it's him being like, I don't want you to talk to your friend and him yelling at her. Yeah, and the friend's like sneaking conversations. Yeah. Like, ugh. And then maybe you say to your friend, are you like sneaking this call? Like, are you talking at full volume inside or are you sneaking?

And if she goes, I'm sneaking, be like, listen to yourself. You're sneaking to speak to anybody on the phone? That's wild. Yeah, just point out what's actually happening. You feel like you can't openly speak in your own home to your friend? Maybe there's something wrong with that. And then if that's a thing that you have to do like it's kind of like improv if that's true what else is true like what other weird shit does he do that

you don't realize is bad yeah it might take some like tricky word play but just helping her see like instead of you pointing out he's doing this he's doing this, he's doing this. Yeah, be like, point out her reactions to his insane behavior. Yeah. I think would probably be helpful. Yeah. I can tell you're feeling this because this happened. But I do think a therapist or a third party needs to intervene. I think so, too.

Yeah. Or just, like, grab her, put her on a bus, and get the fuck out of town. Y'all girls get your ass to a different side of the country. Or, that's one option. Second option. We got pretty lax gun laws here. Get thee to a gun store. Thelma and Louise this shit.

Fucking shoot this man. And drive off a cliff so you don't go to jail. That's what you should do no but truly a therapist yeah okay hey love y'all both can't wait for the podcast my questions about my best friend's trash ass boyfriend okay they did it for two years before i met her and all i ever hear from her is about how trash she, including the fight they had in the middle of the street where he said she was too fat to ever find another guy. By the way, he gained 200 pounds since they got together. So this is clearly a sore point for him.

After we had been friends for about a year, they broke up. She talked about how good she felt and that she felt like her self-esteem was so much higher and she deserved better. Fast forward to a couple months ago. The inevitable happened where your friend gets back with their shitty ex and you have to pretend like you didn't say horrible things about them anyway i decided that if she's happy i'm happy i won't say anything apparently i'm her only friend that's done that though last week i was hanging out with the two of them and for the first uh for the first time since they got back together and this trash ass man started treating me like shit i've spoken to her about it and she was appalled by it but like i don't know how much longer i can pretend to be fine with this relationship uh the other night she complained

about him when we were drunk but she would never talk about it sober i know she has family pressure to get married and have babies now that she's 30 damn we gotta stop doing this to women that's me nicole saying that so i'm scared she'll end up with this garbage person out of fear so how do i help her getting uh to get out of this rut without being unsupportive sincerely trying to take out the trash yeah i mean this again is like the last letter yeah but i do think pointing out how shittily he's treating you in person while she's there is helpful yeah to be like hey girl get your mans did you hear what he just said to me that's disrespectful yeah i can't hang out with you when you do that yeah

so i can't be with you to get like i think that's a very helpful thing to be like, to just point out the shitty things he's doing. I think so, too. He gained 200 pounds. Like, not to be an asshole, but that's a lot of weight to gain in two years. And then he's yelling at her for losing weight. At her that she's too fat? It's his own insecurity, for sure.

Yeah, seems like you're both little fatties. And then, did the friends react to her saying that he was mean to her? She was appalled. And that was it. Oh, yeah. So she probably was like, I can't believe you said that. And then friend was like, yeah, I can't believe he said that. But instead of someone being like, hey, you can't fucking say that.

You can't say that, yeah. Also, I don't know if you've told your friend this, but like all women should know that you don't have to get married by the age of 30 and you don't have to have a baby by the age of 30 yeah there are different ways that you could have a baby later in life society puts this insane pressure on women and it's not fair no uh. And also, why? So you have to get married, so you're going to marry this fucking nasty ass dude? No, just like, I mean, I don't know what your friend's financial thing is, but I'm about to start looking into freezing my eggs.

And it's nice to just have that off the table. Like, it's like, oh, I don't have to rush to get a partner right now so I can get pregnant by this age so my eggs are healthy. If you can, if you do have the means, maybe look into it. So you just have that security blanket. And then when you're looking for a partner, you're truly just looking for someone who you love and who actually treats you well and that you want to spend your life with and not someone to get you pregnant real quick. I'm never going to freeze my eggs. I'm going to see if they're going to be cracked up by the time I want kids. See if there's yolk everywhere of me. What?

What? What? Do you remember when we did improv? And I can't remember what led into this, but you were like something about having two eggs. I was like, yeah, Megan. I mean, we only have two eggs. And then you, the improviser, went, wait a minute. Hey, friend, I mean, we only have two eggs. And then you, the improviser, went, wait a minute.

Hey, friend, do you think women only have two eggs? And I was like, yeah. Like, still kind of in character, but, like, Nicole was like, yeah, there are eggs. There's two. And then you were like, no, there's millions. And I was like, what? There's. So, okay. Not millions, but there's, like, definitely like what there's so okay not millions but there's like definitely

thousands i don't know here i'll explain to you where i've where the fuck i was coming from okay so if you look at a diagram of the female reproductive system you got two eggs and then you have the ovaries yes but to me they like eggs. They're shaped like fucking eggs. Okay. So you thought that. So I thought the ovaries were two eggs. Okay. And I thought they would suck up into the fallopian tube. And then we would no longer have an ovary.

No, you'd grow a new one. Like chickens lay eggs. What? I mean. What? I mean. That's totally irrelevant. What?

Yes, chickens lay eggs. So I thought we would lay an egg. The egg would go to where the egg left. And then, so, okay, to me, I thought the egg would go through the fallopian tube, land in the uterus, and then the sperm would swim up to the egg. The egg would crack open. And the sperm would, like, fertilize the yolk or whatever is inside the egg. And then a baby. And the egg still cracked? Yeah, the egg cracks and then, like, disintegrates or something.

And the sperm fertilizes the yolk. And then a baby is born. That's what I thought. But I have since learned that they're called ovaries because it's latin for ovum ovum means egg and eggs are inside yeah girl and i learned that last year on my podcast in real time with uh megan nerringer who i fucking adore well i'm glad that yeah you learned yeah thanks you also used to think that a hamburger could get your... Great, yes.

So did you not want me to bring that up? No, it's fine. So when I was younger, I thought sesame seeds on hamburger buns would implant into a woman. And then a baby would grow. So I used to knock seeds off my bun. Because I didn't want

a seed to grow inside me I'm not getting pregnant you're not tricking me and then I I asked my mother where babies came from and I explained that to her and she went who told you that and I was like nobody I just like really figured it out on my own and I think what happened was like my mom would always be like well what do you think and then i go um well and then kind of like figured it out i was like went along and be like well yeah obviously yeah that's it that's gotta be it well i'm glad i can't believe you didn't think that like eggs that that was like an egg and they cracked open stuff like yeah i didn't think well i guess i saw um look who's talking really young yeah

that's what the babies talk or was it look who's talking now there's look who's talking and look who's talking too which one yeah the one one is dogs one's babies what it's look who's talking too right it's the intro yeah the intro where there's a sperm swimming to the egg and they're all like racing and talking to each other and they're like, I'm going to get in there! And then the sperm goes inside the egg. And the egg doesn't crack open? It does not crack open. There's a split for the sperm to go in there. Then I think it closes back up.

And then the baby grows inside. Imagine if we could lay eggs. Okay, sure. Wouldn't that be funny if you could eat from yourself ew what you wouldn't eat your own eggs no because that's like cannibalism not when you eat yourself what are they do are there humans inside these eggs no there's yolk but if a chicken lay no stop it if a chicken lays an egg yeah what do you think the yolk is? Yolk. Where do you think a chicken... It's like chicken jizz.

It's like the chicken juice. No, it turns into a chicken. The yolk turns into a chicken. It becomes a chicken if you don't eat it. Oh no, you're going to cry. I thought sometimes chickens would lay eggs with yolk and then sometimes they laid chickens with eggs. And you just didn't know what you were going to get. Wait.

How does the yolk become a chicken? How does the yolk become a chicken? How does the yolk become a chicken? How does the yolk become a chicken how does the young become a chicken I need a tissue oh no yeah do we have any tissues she's truly crying I'm so embarrassed I don't understand

how chickens work if it's a fertilized egg uh huh uh if the chicken has been impregnated and then it's like warmed and shit

and like they hatch into a chicken but have you ever cracked an egg and sometimes there's like a little red dot you look so scared no I think that's like it was like on it's way to become a chicken but like if I

it's okay take your time it's okay there's no okay I don't understand why not why not why okay so a chicken lays an egg we yes this is true how does the yolk become a chicken i feel so dumb right now no it's okay it's okay um i think if it's a fertilized egg like if the rooster impregnated yes uh a chicken yes the egg would have a chicken in it yeah and sometimes so like what a chicken has a period and the period is the egg with the yolk in it i found a video that might help okay yeah okay let's watch the video i'm gonna explain how chickens reproduce

this woman go welcome to becky's homestead yes becky two million people have watched becky's homestead that's not two million oh wait those eggs will not be fertile and they will never hatch into a baby. The rooster does his little rooster dance and then he jumps on top of the hen and breeds her. The egg gets fertile inside the chicken before she lays the egg. Hens are not like fish where they lay a pile of eggs in the water and then afterward the boy fish comes and fertilizes the eggs.

Chickens are not like that. They need the egg fertilized while it's still inside. Okay, I feel good about this. Alright. Alright. Why did we even start talking? Wait, we were talking about ovaries, but why were we

talking about that? Fertilizing eggs. Why were we talking about fertilizing eggs uh freezing eggs i mean oh wow so this woman doesn't feel obligated to stay with this dude yes yes yes yes okay her eggs go dry or whatever wow so ultimately just go get a chicken Chicken. Okay. Well, you can leave us an email or a voicemail. The email is N-I-C-O-L-E-A-N-D-S-H-E-E-R at gmails.com or gmail.com. And then the number to call is 424-645-7003. And honestly,

we're done. That's it. That feels really good. It feels good. Goodnight, Sashir. No. Goodnight, world. Goodnight, Sashir. Goodnight, world. Goodnight, Nicole. And we're back this episode's not ending we're here that's how we start no bye bye