Chapo Trap House - 882 - Election Eve Live (11/5/24)

Episode Date: November 6, 2024

We’re joined by Charles, Alex & Andrew from Episode 1 for a night of Election-themed spoofs and goofs live at the Aratani Theater in Los Angeles. Featuring the Dan Boeckner Christmas Time Players: Dan Boeckner, Nick Thorburn, Alex Fischel & Adam Halferty. And of course, a special visit from Santa.

I'm gonna be a good boy. Merry Christmas everybody, wow! Los Angeles, California, Little Tokyo, Aritani Theater, we have one thing to say to you tonight, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas and welcome to the Chapo Trap House, episode one Christmas Variety Special for all good boys, all good boys and girls. There's only one place to be and that's here for our Yuletide Variety Show. And we've got our elves working on a number of great presents for you. We hope that you're ready to chase away the Hanukkah dragon

and bring in the great Christmas and amazing new year with some exciting holiday romances and daring holiday presents. If you've never given anyone a daring present for Christmas, fuck you. Well, I can sense a pervasive sense of anxiety from the audience tonight. And I know why it is, it's that they don't know what presents to get their loved ones for Christmas. A lot of people wait till the last minute like this

and it is, you know, I call it stress miss when that happens. Like I have a perfect Christmas gift that I really want, but I don't know how to tell anybody. Oh, come on Branson. No, we share this with a few friends on stage. No one's listening. Well, it's a little corny, but well, I guess what I really want for Christmas this year

is world peace. It's a new street drug based off of original recipe oxy. It's crazy. It's great. It makes you go berserk. It's crazy that you say that because I also want World Peace for Christmas. Oh yeah? It's the new Common album featuring Amanda Gorman, whose brave poems always liven up

the inauguration. What was the big single on that? It's called the Microsoft Surface Pro, parentheses 10% off with album purchase. I actually got my family a limited edition Common Turtlenecks this year. Oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen, there's a feeling in the air, a feeling of Christmas. And helping us spread Christmas cheer today, I'd like to introduce our house band tonight,

the Dan Beckner Christmas Time Players, everybody! We've got... On vocals and guitar, Dan Beckner, everybody! On guitar, Nick Diamonds. On keyboard, Alex Rochelle. And on drums, Adam. Guys, I don't know about you, but like, every four years in Christmas time comes around every every four years I mean like a thing for myself my favorite part of Christmas is

every four years when you wake up that special Christmas morning come downstairs you see the stockings you see the tree and you see all the presents so like you know Christmas like the Olympics leap year it's just one of those things that like it doesn't happen too often. It's just one of those things that like, it doesn't happen too often. Oh, you're trying to think of things that happen every four years. Celebrating a grandparent's birthday.

I guess World War II if it was repeated on a loop. Yeah, yeah. I feel like we're forgetting something. Well, you know, even though Christmas is every four years, Santa is working hard that whole time. it reminds me of a phrase if you want to be Santa you got to work like an elf. Who said that originally? Who did say that? It seems to be someone... Wait a second I'm going to get my computer here. It's... What day is it? It says it's November 4th Wait, that's what I can do this month. It was Biden who said that President wait. Oh my god

It's the way it's We're fucked we're fucked God like 60 days away We're fucked. Oh my fucking God. Like 60 days away. Kwanzaa isn't even this month. All right. Oh, wait. Fuck.

The elf quote, that was Joe Biden, right? Yeah. Well, I'm glad. OK, this actually works out perfectly. We can scramble. We can fix it. Yeah, yeah. I think I think we can. I think I know what you're thinking, Will.

I think we can save this. We did book a big we did book a big guest for tonight and as it just so happens It actually makes perfect sense at the elections tomorrow because you know, he's not doing anything So I'd like to introduce our big celebrity guests for the evening if we could get him out here Ladies and gentlemen the president of the United States Joseph Robinette Biden. Let's bring him on stage everybody. Joe Biden. I'm not sitting downhill till he does. Mr. President, thank you so much for being here tonight.

And may I just say, you're looking wonderful. You look, you look spry, you look young, you look invigorated. How are you feeling, Mr. President? I know this is American bandstand. I want to thank you so much. I mean, I know you must be busy right now with Christmas season. You're looking very festive too, sir. I don't know who you are. Hey, Joe, what do you think

Jill Biden has lined up for Christmas at the White House? We have a long night together. I got some Spanish fly. Joe, you're a car guy. What would you say the official car of Christmas would be? Well, this guy in here. I say it's Limousine. I told you we were doing the show too late for him. I think we should have, if we'd done it at four o'clock.

He's fine. Yeah, he's doing great. Yeah. He looks great. You feeling good? You feeling good, Mr. President? I just guess this was almost so him. He doesn't have a PhD in Christmas studies.

He's just that fucking good. Mr. President, obviously people are very, people, there's a lot of feeling about Christmas and apparently the election which is tomorrow, so I guess I have to ask you, what's your favorite Christmas memory? I was with Cecil Hematoma. We were riding our sleigh. We were riding our sleigh through the creek when I was with Cecil Hematoma. We were riding our sleds. We were riding our sleds through the creek when it was frozen. He came, he, excuse me. I was with Tabitha Slots, our brother, Philip Slots, my good friend, my best friend.

We lived a long time we grew together he's us to pocket slut he hit his head I rescued him I brought the fireman to him I was a savager fireman at 10 years old he says a Christmas miracle anyway that's something I think everyone can relate to. 100%. This guy gets it. He gets it. But look, apparently there is an election tomorrow, and Mr. President, by all accounts, it looks like it's going to be a close one. So I guess I have to ask you, what is your closing argument to the American people about who they should vote for tomorrow? I should vote for me. LAUGHTER

CHEERING APPLAUSE Alright, well... He can still win if you vote for him, folks. Hold on, hold on. It's not what I said. LAUGHTER Listen, I have an election tomorrow. I'm gonna support an election It's not what I said.

Listen, election tomorrow, I'm gonna support an election in my lifetime. You have Donald Trump, we have someone else. I'm asking you, I'm asking you right now to vote for my wife, Dr. Kamala Harris. Well, Biden, are you worried about Elon Musk sort of taking sides with Donald Trump? Is that gonna affect the outcome? Is he going to swing the vote a little? Is President Biden you? Sorry, sir. I have a foreign affairs question for you, sir. Do you think that the Iranians are holding off on an attack until after the election?

Look, I've been clear on this. I've been clear on this whole time. The Iranians are not going to do nothing. Nothing to Brazil. We've been talking about this. I've been clear on this whole time. The Iranians say there's not going to be nothing. Nothing to Brazil. We've been talking about this. I suck on this. Mr. President, obviously you were running for re-election against Donald Trump, but after a widely panned debate performance led to questions about your mental and physical fitness to be in office, you chose to step aside and pass the baton to your wife Kamala Harris. How are you feeling about that decision? We can't forget we made a decision. That's what's been done. We said there was a decision. I'm so president, I'm so going to be president. President Donald Trump, he's up next, but right now I'm president. We were doing what we said we did. We did 9-11.

We did, we did, we did God's, what we were saying, what we were doing with God's goddamn thing. I've been clear on this. I've said that before. So, Mr. President, there are no hard feelings. I mean, you don't feel forced out of the race. You don't feel forced out of a second term in the White House potentially. Listen, shut up.

I've talked about this time and time again. I don't want to hear that question one more time. You're asking me a bunch of horseshit. I'm sorry. Listen, but it is what it is. And you look like a monkey. Okay, it's getting a little contentious, Mr. President. Maybe we should go to something a little more lighthearted.

You know, I saw you in the green room. You said you were a little parched. You were looking for some treats maybe. And did you notice we have ice cream in the freezer if you're interested? Listen, anyone who knows me knows I like ice cream. Back in my day, we had an ice cream truck, it had no song. There's no music in the ice cream truck. We had to sing the song ourselves. So wait, wait. You would see... When the ice cream man came, you would have to sing him a song when you were... To the ice cream man.

To the ice cream man to get ice cream? You'd have to sing Happy Birthday who got ice cream have to individually sing happy birthday to him? President Biden, uh, he knows what I'm saying. President Biden, do you have anything to say to the people out there who are considering, who are going to vote for Donald Trump or like, cause they don't like ice cream? Joe. We gotta let him recharge. Check his nose. Uh-oh.

Oh. Joe. By the way, if you are sitting in the first, if you are sitting in the first four rows tonight, Joe Biden may touch you. And if you- There's tarps under your seat. Yeah, they may touch you, but in buying ticket,

you have consented to being touched by the president. If you are a woman with a ponytail, tuck it into your shirt. I mean, we did warmups and there were some people sitting out here and he found them and he yanked them, so it's not even really a veiled thread. It's going to happen. Put your ponytails in your shirt. I thought I had a sleep paralysis demon last night. No, he was just touching me.

Joe, Joe. There we go. You have a dual-wielded microphone. You have your own microphone there. steaming last night no he was just touching me Joe Joe yeah yeah you have a real microphone that you have your own micro on there all right well we're gonna be spending time with the president all night tonight who's gonna be he's gonna be on stage with us all night tonight we do have we do have some more guests for tonight and I thinkix and branson are gonna go collect our our next guests Yeah, when they come out at him right could you go get them? I think their uber is outside right now All right fucked will how are we gonna hold it down without them? Well?

I'm glad you asked well look riff like felix I mean, I don't know how I mean I don't know how to fucking do this show without you like to be to be completely honest But good thing is that we prepared for tonight we've prepared for our Christmas variety show. And look, we got a house band here. We got a beautiful theater full of people. So, Chopo and E1, we have put together a sort of an all-star team, the dirty dozen of late night comedy writers. We got this great set here. We have a crack team of late night comedy writers. We've got this great set here. We have a crack team of late night comedy writers,

veterans of, you know, Jay Leno, Letterman, Bill Maher. And we've come up with some top tier monologue jokes for you about current events. And Mr. President, feel free to chime in if you want to. Yeah. You're just saying I'm Louie Louie. All right, so myself and my co-host Charles, President, feel free to chime in if you want to. Yeah. You're just saying Louie Louie. Alright, so myself and my co-host Charles Austin here.

We're going to give you some topical comedy humor in light of the election. So I think you'll catch some of these references if you pay close attention. Just keep in mind that we didn't write any of these, so if you don't like them, blame our writing staff. So I hear Gavin Newsom likes to cheat on his wife. He loves it so much they should call him Gavin Threesome. Folks, I don't know if you've noticed but my hair is longer than it's ever been. Many are saying I look like Charles Manson. Folks, I would have completed the look and carved a swastika in my forehead, but I don't want to be associated with anyone voting in tomorrow's election.

So Joe Biden's in the news. No, I'm not. Okay. Moving on. Okay, folks, I don't know have you heard about this one on a recent appearance on the Joe Rogan podcast Vice presidential candidate JD Vance says he wouldn't be surprised if Trump wins quote the normal gay guy vote What's that someone who buys their ketamine at Costco? What's that someone who buys their ketamine at Costco? So I hear virgins are voting for Kamala and Chad's are voting for Trump and if Trump loses the chads are gonna kill themselves

Because it brings a whole new meaning to hanging Chad According to a recent article in wired Elon Musk's America pack fired and then stranded dozens of election workers in Michigan after driving them around the state in a seatless U-Haul truck. Folks, is this a get out the vote operation or a lesbian couple planning their second date? Sorry, I just have to break late night show character here for a minute to just bring you some latest Elon Musk news. Folks, I know you heard about his million dollars to vote for Trump plan in the state

of Pennsylvania. Well, this is just coming in from today from a courtroom in the state of Pennsylvania. I'm reading here, Musk's lawyer says that his $1 million giveaway is not a lottery. Quote, there is no prize to be won and winners are not chosen at random, Musk lawyer Chris Goeber said. Instead the $1 million is a salary they earn to be a spokesperson for Musk's pro-Trump super PAC. Winners are picked based on their suitability to serve and their personal story, Goeber said. In response, Philly DA team called this a complete admission of liability that Musk

is running an illegal lottery under Pennsylvania law. Remember, when Musk announced the giveaway in Pennsylvania, he said, we are going to be awarding $1 million randomly. DA showed this in court to the judge. Gober argued there's a difference between randomly and by chance, which is why he argued that this isn't an illegal lottery under Pennsylvania gaming laws. Folks, that's why you go to law school. You can argue that there's a difference between randomly and by chance. And this is like a perfect Lionel Hutz moment for Elon's lawyer, because your honor,

my client wasn't running an illegal lottery. He was merely committing fraud. They need to give like Giuliani and Kenneth Cheesebro and all these guys, give them their law licenses back. They look so competent by comparison. Where were we? So Donkey Kong hasn't been talking to his nephew lately yeah apparently he's been having too many

diddy parties who's writing this who's writing this folks heard about this one after the longest court case in the state of Georgia's history rapper young thug has reached a plea deal with the state and been released on parole. Yeah, you heard about this? You heard about this? Young Thug, Dan, Young Thug. Fan? So yeah, unfortunately the case took so long, he's now called Middle Aged Thug.

Yeah, so Young Thug, he just beat his Rico case. Tony Hinchcliffe's still fighting his. Mr. Biden, I'm kind of curious about your thoughts on what's going on with Thug right now. Do you think he should collaborate with Gunna again? Is that a good idea? I don't know much about any of that. I can do this right now. We're gonna win this election.

Tony Heathcliffe, what was Garfield not available? And folks, what's the... No, not for that one. Heathcliff, Garfield, what's up with MAGA people and loving big fat orange pussies? Yeah, you know, we've been talking about comedian Kill Tony here. know maybe if you didn't hear he's in trouble for making racist jokes at a Trump rally and I know we had a shooting at a Trump rally but I wasn't expecting a bombing too. You folks saw this you heard about this one Trump worked a shift at McDonald's did nobody tell him there's an election maybe he

should focus less on flipping burgers and more on flipping states. So the Hawk Tuah girl's in the news again. Back in my day we just called her Monica Lewinsky. Like that one? Okay, uh, Liam Payne died recently. He fell to his death. Talk about pain. Ouch. I guess it turns out the One Direction was down. But seriously, he is survived by his girlfriend and his child.

Rest in peace. So Frank Ocean's in the news. You know, he had channel orange, then he had blonde. What's his next album going to be called? Donald Trump? You fan of Frank Ocean, Mr. President? No, I've heard of him over here. Mr. President, I heard you're in the news. I know you denied it earlier, but I heard about this. Oh, no. Well, what I heard was that you were photographed eating a baby. I've heard of the Atkins earlier, but I heard about this. Oh, no. Well, what I heard was that you were photographed eating a baby. I've heard of the Atkins diet, but the infant diet?

Come on, Mr. President. He's a good sport. He's a good sport, everybody. French star French soccer star Killian Mbappe is in the news again. Mbappe, what is he, a member of Hanson? A recent poll of Iowa by political scientist and s Seltzer showed a 12-point swing to the Democrats. But what they haven't told you is about another poll showing the opposite by pollster John Rootbeer.

Hey, President Biden, if Kamala wins, who's going to be put in charge of Health and Human Services? Dr. Pepper? Let me talk with Dr. Pepper and she's very excited. Does Dr. Jill know Dr. Pepper? I was just going to talk to her. According to news reports, multiple children waiting to receive a polio vaccination in northern Gaza were injured when Israel bombed the clinic where they were waiting to be vaccinated.

Bombing children at a vaccination clinic? Or as RFK Jr. Calls it saving them from autism That one wasn't funny Lena would never yeah. All right. Are we ready to uh to bring in our next our next guests? Let's do it All right Well look our data shows that the state of California and the city of Los Angeles in particular is very much in play this election and could be decisive tomorrow. In light of that we've arranged the final debate of this campaign between the Republicans

and Democrats to help you, the undecided voters of this audience, make an informed choice tomorrow. So if they're ready to come out, representing the Democratic Party is Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro. And representing the Republican Party is the Terrahawt, Indiana recorder of deeds, Gilroy Monsanto! The Republican Party sent me here to talk to young people. I don't know where they're at. I see middle-aged people.

How y'all doing? My name is Gilroy Monsanto. Gentlemen, you each prepared an opening statement. Governor Shapiro won the coin toss back... It was a dice game. Governor Shapiro, you have won the coin toss backstage and elected to go first. Your opening statement, sir. Evening, y'all. When you go to Main Street, Anytown, USA, you notice things. Everyday stuff. Restaurants trying to create the next delicious dish

that will surprise everybody. Businesses, hustlers, preachers, church, amen, faith, B-boys, everyday people, doing everyday things. I know how hard it is out there. I know what it's like when your slime needs to beat a body. But the body is his wife. I know what it's like giving Unc that call.

It's not just smiles and cries out there. It's the bad times. It's the good times. Anytime you need to make a payment, good times. Anytime you need a friend, good times. Anytime you're out from under, not getting hassled, not getting hustled, keeping your head above water, good times. Scratching and surviving, good times. Hanging and jiving, good times. Defending Israel's right to exist and defend itself against Iranian aggression, good times.

I believe that's my time. Thank you, sir. Gilroy Monsanto, your opening statement, please. Well, let me tell you a little bit about who I am. My name is Gilroy Monsanto. I was born in a secret town in Indiana named New Adolphton that only can be seen by millionaires. My father, Valencius, was a Confederate soldier and an alchemist. My mother, Helen Jackson Warlock,

is the inventor of sperm jacking. My parents sent me to a sort of reverse Montessori school where I was expected to teach myself to read. Instead, I ended up teaching myself the birds and the bees when I was 14 years old, sitting on a washing machine in a tight pair of docks while listening to the song American Girl by Tom Petty. That permanently made all political things

to me inherently sexual. My political career and my political philosophy is to always imagine the country as a beautiful buxom woman. I have envisioned myself climbing up America's tawny hair, Rapunzel style. That's right, in my head America is a blonde woman with dirty blonde hair and I use her ponytail as my private elevator. If a lesser man had to

hold a single one of my hypersexual thoughts in his head, he'd turn his white briefs khaki with all the stress sweat of his sensuality. I dream of America approaching me on a gravel road in the form of a beautiful woman, her high-heeled shoes draining over the difficult terrain, nails done, hair teased high to hell, yelling at me from a distance, wait for me, wait for me. I imagine America popping her bubble gum as she lowers her heart-shaped sunglasses at me, winking as my pupils American rose of consummation. The fantasy ends with me taxing her on behalf of the IDF.

I'm getting a little heated up now, bear with me, I did take some Spanish fly earlier. I'm letting it roll. With my red shaft and my blue nuts all I need is a rotten little white brine to complete the American flag that I paint on my own stomach. Lord, it's time for a Republican sexual revolution. God lost. Missionary lost. I'm getting wheeled into a Hooters in a custom wheelbarrow, rigged with stirrups. The Spanish fly is really kicking in. I want you America. If we win tomorrow, I'm quietly withdrawn from public life for about three months and then reemerging with a completely new personality. If we lose, this is the new

face of the Republican Party. I'm proud to announce, changing course. The Republican Party, if we lose, will be woke now. My boy talked to me, showed me some charts and some graphs, and now I'm woke. We're off abortions, you can be gay, you can be poly, you can be trans, hell, you can even be a black guy. The new Republican Party is a huge tent. It contains everybody but the country of China. We will be focusing politically on an ethnic group within China that I don't want to say the name of them because I haven't been trained on it well enough. But think Machine Gun Kelly, Yellow Wolf, et cetera. We don't need your help.

So what are the Republicans going to be up to? That's right. We're focusing exclusively on international business, macrochips, deep state occult magic, Caribbean assassinations to give them white presidents. We're going to be creating hypothetical new nuclear elements with names like kaboomium and Reaganite, and we will be secretly depositing these new resources in third world countries to justify invading them. That is the future of the Republican

Party. I hope I convinced you today. Before I get into debate questions, I just want to, I would just like to note that it's a rare thing in American public life when substantive political issues can be debated in a reasoned, non-vitriolic manner, and I'd like to thank both Josh Shapiro and Gilroy Monsanto for agreeing to hold this civil, intelligent debate tonight. All right, so first question.

I want to begin tonight with the issue that voters repeatedly say is their number one issue, and that is the economy and the cost of living in this country. When polled, voters say inflation is the number one concern in this election. Beginning with Governor Shapiro, what will a Harris Walls White House do to bring down the prices of everyday items like eggs, milk, beer, weed, and cigarettes? Shit. Glad you don't ask me that. When I was a Jit, I had my Christian Bar Mitzvah.

Back then it was about enough to pay off a car note, maybe get something for us, buy us, if you know what I mean. Maybe hit the town, paint that shit red. Nowadays, same amount of money from your bar mitzvah for Christians won't even buy you a washcloth. I know times is tough, but I think once we in the White House, we taking over DJ Khaled. Mr. Monsanto, your rebuttal. Now Will, you know I love my Nobu. I'm telling you what, the King Salmon Wasabi Salsa is $36. David Chang and I couldn't believe it. What I'm suggesting is we got all these prices, food keeps going up and down. Now I want to advocate for a system. Y'all

know how gas stations work. They got a big sign says the name of the gas. We need that for the McDouble. As long as we have standardized pricing on the McDouble, it's got to be posted above, then that's going to solve most of our inflation problems. At least the people who complain about that. I eat at Checkers. All right. Next question. We're going to turn now to immigration and border security.

We know it's an issue that's important to Republicans, Democrats, voters across the board in this country. So Mr. Monsanto, what is your message to voters who are worried about the crisis of Latinos in America? I'm gonna say this plainly and risk whatever vitriol comes my way. There are too many immigrants in this country. In fact, I was remodeling some of my villas and the foundations full of immigrant bones. We have these immigrants come to these countries and they're leaving all their bones in all

of our most important buildings. If they can't even be accounted for to take care of their bones, then how are we supposed to let them in this country? Governor Shapiro, your rebuttal. Now, understand the frustration. People coming into the country not knowing our culture, whether it's B-Boy, freestyle, graffiti, or any of the other five pillars of hip hop.

They should be learning our culture. But at the same time, I ain't discriminating against no butter pecan recons. I ain't scared of you motherfuckers. And finally, it's been over a year now since the horrific events of October 7th, which saw the brutal slaughter of thousands of innocent Israelis. Since then, we've obviously also seen a handful of Palestinians drop dead of undetermined

causes and the war expand into Lebanon and possibly Iran. Some voters are concerned about this. What can be done to defeat these voters? Josh Shapiro beginning with you. Israel is under attack. If we do not storm the campuses now it will be crystal knock times ten. It is an open season on anyone who has ever eaten a rutabaga. Students are not safe to eat potato pancakes without being faced with a kefaya which is the modern-day swastika. I would not feel safe sending my son to an Ivy League college without air support.

We have to take out the snake-worshipping Rafita Shia of Iran! Cut down the tall trees. I mean, uh, uh, I was talking to my preacher man. Cut down the tall trees! I mean, I was talking to my preacher man, whatever religion I am, and he said all sides need some faith. Mr. Monsanto, what would you do to bring peace to a war-torn region? Well, I'd say first of all, I think me and Mr. Shapiro here are in lockstep. A lot of people assume I'm racist or anti-Semitic just because I'm racist and I am not anti-Semitic.

My golem is Jewish, all right? But I want to say this, I come from a long line of evangelical mystics. I don't know quite how to say this, but my family's been around for a long time. And we've been working on this red heifer that I think is gonna blow everybody away, regardless of your feelings on Middle East diplomacy. We have a rare opportunity to do deep Kabbalah evangelical mysticism, deep within Al-Aqsa Mosque, where we flow to the red heifer and gain some kind of liturgical dominion over the world. Now it may sound crazy, but if you read the good book like I do, little old Gilroy, I'm gonna go put my faith in there

and think maybe it ain't so crazy that we can slaughter a genetically engineered bovine in order to get godly powers in the mortal realm. I'm sorry to break the debate format, but President Biden, did your administration do anything in terms of like a red heifer program to bring about dominion over the world? There's a red heifer in Wisconsin. It's made of strawberry ice cream.

I asked him if I could eat it. He said it's very sweet. I mean, what did you say to voters? You said you've had four years in office and there's still no red heifer. What have you been doing? I'm technically not clear to say this but I'm just gonna say it real quick Clifford the big red dog is real There is cap in your wraps What's he saying is he saying him? What does that mean? I grew was a great guy from Looney Tunes. His name is Gossamer. Excuse me.

They assume he's a rat. He's a Republican. Every single, he showed up for me every single year, full stop. Is this Gossamer from the Looney Tunes? That's what I just said, what do you mean? What are you listening to? Is he a Republican, is what you're saying? What a dumb fucking question.

You think Gossamer's a big fella, but two wine coolers, he's about falling right over. We were on David Geffen's yacht. I can't say it, It ended with a woman dying. I can tell you something about that. All right. I want to thank our debate participants, Gil Raymond Santel and Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro, ladies and gentlemen. You can be Republican just saying you can do it. Republican just saying you can do it. Now to

take the round out the first act of the show here I thought you know we would check in these of the waning hours of the campaign and there's been some good sort of campaign reporting and I think for the second the last act before intermission I'd like to do sort of a classic chopper reading series, and I wish this could be more sort of bipartisan, but unfortunately all of the funniest news coverage is about Donald Trump's campaign Including an article today in the independent. I read it before I came on stage that said he's worried that he's going to die in jail But I mean you've probably seen this. The big article was in the Atlantic by Tim Alberta.

The headline is, Inside the Ruthless, Restless Final Days of Trump's Campaign. And it begins like this. At the end of June, in the afterglow of a debate performance that would ultimately prompt President Joe Biden to end his campaign for reelection. Donald Trump startled his aides by announcing he'd come up with a new nickname for his opponent. The guy's a retard. He's retarded. I think that's what I'll start calling him, Trump declared aboard his campaign plane on

route to a rally that evening, according to three people who heard him make the remarks, retarded Joe Biden. Mr. President, how do you feel? How do you feel about that? How do you feel about being attacked that way by Donald Trump? Listen, Donald Trump can say whatever he wants. No one cares. No one listens to what he says. The fact of the matter is, this retards the president. It's a shame that they didn't go ahead. It sucks that the adults

in the room kind of stepped in because it would have been fun to game it out. 50 red states. If I could kind of game this out Mr. President, if I was your advisor, I think I would suggest you react to that by coming forward and saying, you've actually self-diagnosed with ADHD, and that's what's going on here. You get a lot of zoomers. Oh!

Mr. President, no, Mr. President, no. No, please sit down, please sit down, Mr. President. He'll be fine. Okay. I think damage control for Donald Trump too, and interesting, sort of like Gilroy here being a woke Republican I kind of feel that uh, if Trump came out as by it'd be a very interesting way to to settle the score there I feel like that would work

Honestly, the staffers present and when within hours others who'd heard about the epithet secondhand pleaded with Trump not to say this publicly Trump not to say this publicly. Boo. Whoever is on the Trump campaign and doing that, like trying to fill out the Jared roll, you fucking suck. Russia, China, pick a gate. Convict them of something. Send these people to federal prison. They warned him that it would antagonize the moderate voters who'd been breaking in their

direction while engendering sympathy for a politician who, at that moment, was the subject of widespread ridicule. As Trump demurred, musing that he might debut the nickname at that night's event, his staffers puzzled over the timing. Biden was on the ropes. Polls showed Trump jumping out to the biggest lead he'd enjoyed in any of the three campaigns for presidency. In his three campaigns for presidency.

Everything was going right for the Republican Party and his nominee. Why would he jeopardize that for the sake of slinging a juvenile insult? Why not? Yeah. What's, what is the point of being ten points ahead if you can't try things? It would suck to work for Trump and just be like thinking you're going to be like him and do all this. And then you have to be his fucking RA. Well, the article in the next paragraph, it says,

he didn't appreciate normalcy. Above all, he couldn't stand being babysat. Well, I mean, you know, did he not notice until now that he had like more minders than any other 77 year old has? I think if you wear a diaper it's okay to babysit you. Yeah. People are calling this the most disciplined campaign they've ever seen, Trump remarked to friends at a fundraiser this summer according to someone who heard the conversation.

He smirked at the compliment, what's discipline got to do with winning? Mr. President, do you think that there's a connection between discipline and winning an election? My secret is wonderful sex with my wife, Dr. Joe Biden. I like eating dog, I like eating cat. Is that a reference to oral sex, Mr. President? A lot of Spanish fly tonight. It's funny imagining a bizarre world where like Biden hit the retarded nuclear button first. And now, like, all the Trump people

would be wearing shirts that say retard. The garbage comment was so funny, because like, in the article, like, OK, so the Tony Hinchcliffe thing is largely regarded as a disaster, because there's something like a half a million Puerto Rican vogers in the state of Pennsylvania. And then instead of just like moving on, he did a photo shoot the next day with him getting in a garbage truck. And apparently that prolonged the story a little.

Yeah, because like the normal voter doesn't know about a Zoom call that Biden did. The only people that are watching that are like the people that are going to write Biden in like us. So they see all these Republicans dressing up like garbage and they're like, oh, so they're doubling down on it. I saw it was sort of like a Q adjacent thing where these conservatives came up with this acronym for garbage, and it was Great American Rebels Believing God is Everything. And they skipped the second A in garbage, but they got close. They're so willing to own it. Or that Ben Garrison cartoon. I don't know if people saw that. It was like the devolution of the Republican Party as seen by Democrats, and it just like

goes from rhino to Nazi to just a pile of shit. That's how you see us, but this is also me. You should go to McDonald's for a dirty diaper. You say you want to go to McDonald's for a dirty diaper? All right, so I know I already mentioned I know I already mentioned the Ann Seltzer poll out of Iowa that's got Democrats feeling pretty good about themselves, but Ann Seltzer's like, she was the one who predicted Trump winning in 2020. But now she shows this big swing in Iowa, and Felix, you pointed out that all of the

replies to the poll were like, I hope the ddy money was worth it, Ann Seltzer, 60-year-old political scientist from the Midwest. Yeah, this like 67-year-old grandmother was ducing Kevin Hart with Diddy. Diddy is sending kites from being on suicide watch? Make sure to pay off Aunt Seltzer. Just a little bit further in the Atlantic article, it does have some great details about a favorite of ours on the show, so I'm just going to read this here. Several days earlier, Trump had fielded a phone call from one of his super fans, Laura

Loomer. Yeah, let's give it up for Laura. We got some Loomer heads in the audience tonight. Laura Superhead Loomer. Man, we gotta get her on the Maxim Hot 100. A right-wing agitator best known for racist and conspiracist bombast, she has celebrated the deaths of immigrants and called school shootings fake events put on by crisis actors. Loomer had

remained one of Trump's most loyal and vocal supporters even in the darkest moments of his post January 6 exile at Mar-a-Lago. That loyalty gave her a direct line to the former president. After she had joined the candidate aboard his plane during crucial trips to Iowa and New Hampshire earlier in the year, campaign officials discussed ways to sideline Loomer without causing a scene. They neutralized the volatile situation at the convention this summer, for example, by providing Loomer with a front-row seat for Trump's acceptance speech, putting her in close physical proximity to her idol while keeping her far from the VIP area that cameras would be shooting live.

I love how they're treating her like an autistic child that has to get a haircut. Okay, if we just put on like 30 TVs that are playing like specific episodes of Thomas. But now in the first week of September, Lumer was getting antsy. She called Trump and demanded to know why the campaign had been keeping her at bay, why she hadn't been allowed back on the plane as the Republican nominee toward the country. School lunch drama. Trump told Loomer not to worry. He would personally see to it that she was invited aboard the plane for his next

trip. Later that day when Trump relayed this request to Wiles, who since the beginning of the campaign had controlled the flight manifest, she registered disbelief. Sir, our next trip to Philadelphia for the debate, Wiles told Trump according to two people familiar with the conversation, are you sure that's a good idea? Trump shrugged. I don't know, he said.

Just stick her in the back of the plane She's holding up to a wheel axle Dude I love the move of just like your friends don't like me to Trump Loomers in a giant fucking hoodie in the back of Trump's Honda. Just fucking, why do you fucking like me? Oh, you're great, you'll be in the back of the plane. Lowell Loomer is hanging on to the fucking wing and the campaign aides are looking out the window like William Shatner in the Twilight Zone.

Sorry, it's the last bit here, it says, when Trump's jet touched down in Philadelphia on September 10th and photographers captured Loomer disembarking, some of the former president's allies were apoplectic. Republican elected officials began texting campaign aides demanding to know why she was traveling with Trump. But outside of Wiles and La Civita, Trump's own staffers hadn't known she was on the manifest.

They were as bewildered and furious as everyone else. Why Trump's employees find Lumer uniquely noxious when their boss consorts with known racists and traffics and cruel conspiracy theories himself is a separate question. As the night unfolded with Loomer watching the debate backstage and then joining other GOP surrogates in the spin room, campaign leaders weighed their next move, yanking her from the plane risk turning the story into something bigger and messier. A jilted Loomer lashing out against corrupt rhino deep state simps in the aftermath of Trump's miserable debate performance. The only problem, they were headed straight from Philadelphia to New York City for a memorial ceremony the next morning honoring victims of 9-11, which Loomer naturally described as an inside job. It goes on to say that, it says here, what

sealed Loomer's fate, according to two people who were part of these conversations, wasn't just her racist diatribes, but also her appearance. Trump, who is generally appalled by plastic surgery, was disgusted to learn about the apparent extent of Loomer's facial alterations. When asked for comment, Chung told me, Laura was a hard worker in the primaries

and President Trump appreciates a fighter. Okay I'm calling big cap on the idea that he's disgusted by plastic surgery. Yeah what did he think happened to her? Oh maybe her dad was a pencil sharpener. And like he spent the last four years at Mar-a-Lago being surrounded by some of the most beautiful women in the world. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my, I would love to make out with one of those leather balloons he consorts with.

Making my hands more calloused as I touch them. Those are the polls for Matt Arnickle. I got one more bit of Trump late campaign October surprise in the second act of the show. But we will wait until then because it's intermission time right now. Stick around. We'll be back in about 15 minutes. So let's give it once again for Dan Dan Beckner Christmas Time players, everybody. I'm gonna be to the bathroom. He don't come a-dem Brother Billy's got both guns thrown He ain't been right since Vietnam Sweet home Alabama

Play that dead band song Turn those speakers up full glass Play it all night long Daddy's due and his sister's sale, your grandma's died of cancer now. We'll all have brucellosis, we'll get through somehow Sweet home Alabama, play that dead band soul Turn those speakers up for the blast, play it all night long I'm going down to the tube, drop him, see if I can drink enough There ain't much to country living, shit, piss, shizz and blood Sweet home Alabama, play that dead band song. Turn those speakers up full blast, play it all night long. Sweet home Alabama, play that dead band song.

Turn those speakers up full blast, play it all night long. I'm a miserable wess playing on my own Let's keep it going for the Dan Beckner Christmas Time Players everybody! Play it all night long! Thank you. One of my favorite songs of all time. Thanks again to Dan Beckner and the boys. Alright going to the second act of the show here. Mr. President are you enjoying yourself? Feels like Christmas Day. All right, well folks, this election year has seen both

campaigns go outside the bubble of traditional institutional media by seeking out appearances on podcasts hosted by comedians, athletes, and influencers. With Kamala Harris being interviewed on Call Her Daddy and by Shannon Sharpe on Club Sheshe, and Trump making stops on Joe Rogan, Theo Vonn, the Nelk Boys, and others. These shows are particularly useful for reaching young male voters who feel underserved by the softer, more feminine touch of traditional political reporting. Joining us now to explore this phenomenon and provide insight into the issues that

matter to young men in American politics is a collection of influencers, streamers, and podcasters who sit at the intersection of streetwear and politics. Ladies and gentlemen, from the dopeness, please welcome Kayden Tumili, Paper Chaser, and Faze Polanski. Let's bring them out. Yo, this old man is real as fuck. I could outlive you eight days a week. That one's Joe Biden. Oh, from FaZe Clan?

FaZe Joe Biden? What's up? That's right, that's the original FaZe. Bro, I don't even know what we're doing right now. We just got off the plane. We were just in Dubai. SoundCloud sent us over there to see if we would get kidnapped You know we didn't get kidnapped because we vibe with everybody really good and shit and like you don't think that like those guys

Are cool and shit But they're like those guys will have like six fucking tigers knows like seven fucking lions and like you can fucking throw them around Wrestling with them shit, and if they wrote you and shit like that They won't even put them down you like there's like so many like Saudi fail Sons that like fuck with us cuz they're on you know they're on steam all day They love us you know what I mean like we divide over there is basically the same as over here like these Saudi fail sons They're basically living in cloud houses over there Just like we are over here. You know just because they follow like the Karang like people think that like

the shit they're doing because they have to like fucking face like McDonald's like five times a day that it like fucks up their life and shit and it's like no you can be a fucking doctor you could be a teacher you could be like a money printer at the bank and you could be a fucking mulsome and it's straight up like one thing I learned in my fucking life is like it could be either the guy who's wearing straight up, like, one thing I learned in my fucking life is like, it could be either the guy who's wearing straight up like robes and like a hat, he could be the nicest person in the world, and then a guy who's wearing like a fucking suit and tie

could be the biggest piece of shit who's out to fuck you, and there's no difference. And basically like the krang is cool as fucking shit, because we were talking to the guy about the crank and stuff cuz like like what he was saying is like basically the the the crane has like It has like the fought like it has like the five pillars of hip-hop But it's just a crank it's just it's not a hip-hop at all Yeah, you can be you could be a currying follower and you can like you Oh, I don't know how to spit. I don't know how to fucking dance. I don't know. It doesn't matter

It doesn't fucking matter because all that matters is that you give like 10% of your friends money to them And they fuck with the Bible too Yo, yeah, yo, we actually we got to like study the Quran with like crown crown prince Muhammad from the Bible Oh my god You think guys from the Bible are gonna be old as shit, but he was like 24 He said he fucked with us like he knew who we were straight up like he like he took my phone and had me follow him back and Like once once I like, you know

Whatever like legal things are happening when I get control of my phone back fully from this date I'll for sure be DMing him and shit. Bro he said when I came back home he sent me the eyeball emoji at 2 a.m. I thought he was trying to hook up but I forgot it's like a time difference. He was just watching me scream. I bought one of those houses on the line and shit like that and I was like Okay, like if you're gonna have a town that's a line you should have a house that's a line and he says what do you mean? And I said I'm gonna have like a fucking house. It's like half a mile long and it's like I can barely even fucking fit in it

Because they're gonna have a river that's what the line means is they're gonna have a river there and that's gonna be next to my House so basically like my whole house is gonna be like like a path, but like with a house That's so fucking tight because so many cities. They just don't give a fuck what type of water they're near They're like, oh, we'll put the fucking lake over here. You can't even drink out of most lakes, bro That's why I love being in California though. I'm drinking that California clear straight out the faucet, you know No, California's dope, but you can't get good popcorn here straight up it's always burnt dude I swear I walked down the street just yesterday I smelled burnt popcorn everywhere I thought I could fuck with California but like also like fucking

everybody here is too real and shit like that and I'm like low-key fake as fuck and I know I'm not gonna get the fucking like every time I smell here it's like fucking burnt popcorn and everybody said like you smelled burnt popcorn once and you can't just say it's the whole city but that's all the popcorn I fucking smelled in California has been burnt. Bro I've been watching my back lately too though because like you know we're starting to get a little bit political like over there when we talked to Muhammad from the Bible he was talking about like

politics and and I realized we have politics in America, too That's true. That's fat. Now that I've been paying attention to shit I realized like how really gets cuz like you see what they did to diddy right a political prisoner. He was trying to rock the boat Let's see where that got him voter die and like he's not voting anymore. So He tried to get people on the voter offender registry and they said you can't do that anymore because it affects change because it's like a totally 100% freeway to affect change and they said okay you can't do that anymore just because like you stuck your head up

Kevin Hart's ass this is what's that against the law. Well, I thought it. Jerry Mandarin did it. I thought Jerry Mandarin. I thought. Chairman, what was the documentary we were watching that was about politics. It showed like the flag. It showed the eagle and shit. And there was Jerry.

Yeah, I actually lived with Jerry Mandarin in a abandoned cloud house once. We were in there. We were in there because I don't know who Tupac is. And I was hoping his ghost would show up and like explain to me who he is. Oh shit. Because he died in a car which means like his ghost has unfinished business which means he could be anywhere. Shut up.

Dr. Menacher has something to say. Well gentlemen, it seems like your perspective has been broadened from recent international travel and newly minted interest in politics but like let me ask you let me ask you let me ask the gang this question why do you think it's important for dope young men to vote this election because like fucking straight up like a president isn't something that's like you know gone today here tomorrow like it's not like herpes where you could just get rid of it. It's forever.

And like, the changes that you affect, there are so many fucking societies in the world with so many laws, and like, if you just let that shit happen, you're like the guy at the party who lets them, like, straight up, like, come on you. Well, you should be the guy who's doing the coming on your friend. Like, if, like, I see? I see it in a very simple way and shit because basically if I don't vote, the vote go to

a fucking... If I didn't fucking vote, my vote would go to some fucking pussy or some fucking idiot or some guy who doesn't know how to do shit good and stuff guys some guys don't know how to like do shit good and something like Some guy doesn't know how to get girls so it's like it's really important to vote and shit like that cuz like if you don't fucking vote and you get girls and Shit, you don't want to go to the polls because you're getting too many girls And then all of a sudden all the fucking guys that vote don't get any fucking girls and you're fucked Yeah, what just go without girls for like one fucking day and you can fucking vote

What if what if like what if you're like a dope individual, you have a McLaren, and instead of you voting, a guy, a straight man who drives a Subaru gets your vote? I mean honestly though, I respect you guys' opinion, but I don't really fuck with voting. Cause it's like, it doesn't make any money. It's a problem. I mean, you know, you see what I'm saying, if they paid me to vote. But my joke, president, but what would you say to paper chaser, he says he doesn't fuck with voting because it doesn't get him paid clear I'm clear about this is day one young man

These days they can't afford a fair for her for the plus for the subway when in today you have you have a pretty dope relationship with your audience and you're sort of you know like you can connect with them so like what are the issues that are resonating the most? With like dope young men this election Well first of all shout out to Ricky Tang who put us on to vote yeah, Ricky Tang push out of really hang Oh, I fuck it like I straight up did the vote already like I've like I did it for like the first time and shit And I got it fucking perfect. That's true. Even though I don't fuck with it anymore I did vote once with you guys. And you have three perfect scores.

That's why I kind of feel like there's no point anymore. I don't feel like fucking it up, because it's like the first time that you, like, I don't know how to change my oil or do stuff like that. So I figured voting is like a thing like that. Or you go in there and everybody knows how to change their oil. And I don't. I don't want to ask nobody.

But I went in there in that voting booth and you just touch it with your finger and shit. And I just had to wipe my fingers off on my pants and I got it perfect. I mean, I had a few problems because like that like fucking dark-ass curtain is so hard to like get out of and it gave me like a PLT like flashback to like when my mom put me in a vending machine so she could go to Atlantic City but the people who were like working in like the voting center of like politics were actually like so fucking sweet and like help me get out of the curtain and everything

Yeah, but like I that's the issue of like are you of just the physical act of voting but like You're voting for a candidate based on like the issues that they support or like that reflect your values And I'm just wondering, what is your audience? What do they respond to? Is it immigration? Is it abortion? Is it war? Coins.

Coins? Mostly coins, honestly, what people are talking about. Gold coins. Lost gold coins, mostly. What are the candidates? What are their positions? I mean, did they take a position on the issue of coins? I don't think anybody said anything about coins. And it's like a day away from the election. Well, it seems to me, on one hand, it's kind of seemed like Trump likes coins, but instead he turned all his gold shit into like a building instead of coins. Like he turned his coins into a building.

That seems kind of, I should have bothered. That seems kind of what he has a gold building. I mean, it's like, I don't know. I mean, it's like, I don't know. I mean, it's like, I don't know. I mean, it's like, I don't know. I mean, it's like, I don't know. I mean, it's like, I don't know. I mean, it's like, I don't know. I mean, it's like, I don't know. Trump likes coins, but instead he turned all his gold shit into like a building instead of coins Like he turned his coins into a building that seems kind of I should have bothered that seems kind of what he has a gold building He turned a coin into a building. Yeah, wait, so how big was the coin? I saw as big as a building. Sorry I would have been so much money just if I could just be clear

Are you talking about crypto currency or are you talking about actual physical coins? No, we don't fuck with Crips or blood streamers. We don't we don't fuck with cryptocurrency I know I support like every gang in like every war but like No, honestly, like I don't understand Bigfoot Is he a dog Is he a dog? You ever like feel your nose and it's windy even though there's no wind? What? Like, is that-

Do you feel the wind? I don't smell it if I blow them That's so fucking weird how it can like have like wind come through it, but it's not always smelling like how does it know? not to smell sometimes President president Biden What is your administration and where would a Kamala Harris administration stand on the issue of coins? We're making the balloons for years Every young man who votes in this election gets a good gold to bloom They're edible

So, are you, is there any initiatives to get more gold doubloons in the hands of young entrepreneurs like these gentlemen on stage? Like treasure chests? Yeah, yeah. I mean, this is... I don't know where else to find coins for real though. I mean, if you're lucky, you can can like kill sonic but like good luck They say I grew up a Sylvester gold bars Scram pencil a

Just finally get the gold bar store work there. It's a boy He wouldn't pay me he paid me ice Damn like most people I meet out here like straight up, I would sell them if I could. But like, there's just something about you that just like is so fucking like real. Like, I don't know if you have a job, but like someone should give you one. Another issue in this election is that should she win tomorrow, Kamala Harris would be the United States of America's first woman president.

Fellows, do you think that some young men still have a problem with voting for a woman to be president? And how do you feel about that? I think it's like dope if a woman's president and stuff, because if somebody was like, hey, Kayden, you want to be president and how do you feel about that? I think it's like dope if a woman's president and stuff because like if somebody was like, hey, Kayden, you want to be president and stuff, I'd say fuck, like I wouldn't want to do it and shit. So it's like basically if they're doing it and shit

and they're saying that it's cool to me and they're saying that they're a woman in doing it and like, you know, because at the same time, just because somebody's a woman's president doesn't mean like they're going to talk about like their butt or their pussy or whatever stuff like that So you can just be really cool with it and just be chill with them and they'll be like chill with you. I think like from the standpoint of like the perspective of like who she is which is like

If I'm not mistaken a stepmom I think people are like having trouble with the fact that she could very well get stuck in a dishwasher. And if WW2 happens, who the fuck is going to get her out? And then there's, because she's a stepmom, what if she's on Tinder and she matches with her stepson? Because then she wouldn't know. Like she would just get married to him and like fuck him. But then their kid would be like too cold

when it came out or something. And we'd have to like do a charity for like kids that need to be like under heat lamps. But President Biden, you've been very successful with women voters. I mean, what's the key to connecting with women in America? I think they speak for themselves. Yo this guy's funny as fuck.

He gave us a ton of fucking Spanish fly. Bro the thing I learned about politics is it's all about making choices, right? Yo. Yeah, yeah, in fact. Democrat, the other one etc. But it's like maybe we could help this audience make some political decisions by giving them some choices some hypotheticals that are a little bit political in nature. Right. And help them kind of figure out where they're

at voting wise. So a lot of like the people here and stuff know stuff about like bills and stuff that have been passed and stuff and we start from like a more baser level where we do hypotheticals like would you rather like go with Bill Burr and all the battle bots to the White House or would you like? Okay okay. Would you rather fuck every member of Congress as much as you want on David Geffen's yacht

or get to vaccinate Aaron Rodgers with any vaccines you want? Okay, I think I see what you guys are putting down. If you were the president, would you rather use your powers to make the world's loudest song? Or to have a war that never ends so nobody loses? Okay, okay. So you could either live in the White House as president and your roommate is Sonic the Hedgehog and he lets you collect coins with him whenever you want. Rings, sorry, rings.

I only got coins on my mind. Or, or, you get to sing No Flex Zone with Kaisanet at the DNC. Yo, that's tough, man. That's really tough. Shit. Wait, wait, wait. Should I have voted for Donald Trump or Joe Biden?

Yo. Would you rather, like, sing Not Like Us for 24 hours in the White House with John Fetterman and Richie Torres? Or would you get, like, a one-on-one JOI from Dr. Joe Biden? OK, OK, how about this? OK. You get to filibuster the Senate for 100 hours with B.O.B. and Hurricane Chris, and you get as much Doritos as you want.

Or would you want to be in a three-legged potato sack race with Donald Trump? Would you like to be able to like go to Target with Gwen Stefani like on a moment's notice or would you like it so that vending machines also had cars in them? Sorry just real quick I've been inspired by these hypotheticals here I'm just wondering is Jill Biden good at JOI? Has she ever given you JOI? I give the instructions.

Okay, this one's for you, Mr. President. Would you rather have all, you get to try all the CIA's newest drugs first before they hit the street Or you get to go band for band with Vladimir Putin at Mall of America Oh My god, can we do that? Can we vote for this guy? Is that like illegal? You can write him in, you can write him in. Would you rather have it so that like

you could erase things that you accidentally did to a girlfriend? Or make it so that like you're fun like you're you know what you're gonna look like as an angel okay would you rather be jelly rolls next tattoo. Oh, shit. Or pack the Supreme Court with the whole roster of Cash Money records. Yo, for real, though, I had a studio apartment,

like, when I was, like, 21 inside of Jelly Roll. Did you record music in your apartment? Yeah, yeah, and Jelly Roll was a super chill landlord. Like, he basically let me play music whenever I want. Oh my god. You should rather have, like, endless ice cream. Or you're able to climb to the top of a water slide. I got a last question for you guys here. Something young men really like these days is gambling.

Oh yeah. Yeah, this election has seen the combination of politics and gambling. According to news reports a quote, French whale has bet $40 million on the betting website Polymarket on a Donald Trump victory. Wait, whales, wait, wait. How does he get his fucking phone in the ocean? That shit's stupid. No, they got like iPhone 13s.

You can take like pictures in underwater and shit. Yeah, but like, how? Basically, they got like, they put the whole camera in like a bag, but like they shrink it so tight you don't even know it's there. Damn. I didn't know that France was underwater. Like Atlantic or something. Okay, you're getting hung up.

But let's just say like a French- The Eiffel Tower isn't because it's tall as fuck. A French investor bet $40 million on a Trump video. I'm sure Trump victory. Have any of you bet on this election and you have any tips on for gambling on politics? basically with like gambling is you got to look at like the slot machine and shit and you have to look at it and like kind of go cross-eyed and like Like vibe out of your body for a little bit and try to like go inside of it and shit and then basically like if you See, you know once you're at that state if you see like young Sheldon or something

You're fucking good that that slot machine is gonna be fucking hilarious yeah like a lot of times people think like the like probability comes from like outside like what slot machine you're at or like what the like what mood like the numbers in that you're betting on but like it's also matters like what you're doing like I like what I do is I like I combine like Percocet because it comes from a hospital and doctors made it and I combined that with Molly because that comes from a gay guy and they sort of like work together to give me like both perspectives and that way, like, you're gonna have fun gambling and get your money back 100% of the time.

Like, if you lose money gambling, it's your fucking fault. Straight up. Just win. Straight up, like, most people who, like, lose their house gambling, it's because they wanted to move. You guys have provided an invaluable perspective on this election and youth culture in America. So can we give it up for the Dope-ness, everybody? All right.

All right, I promise, I wasn't quite done with the sort of like waning Trump coverage, which you know, I mean it could go on another four years we'll see tomorrow, but there's this election is seen in the like I said in the last week the return of An old character an old friend in something of an October not really a surprise but an October not really a surprise, but in October, remember this? And I'm referring to journalist Michael Wolff releasing his many recorded interviews with Jeffrey Epstein, headline,

I was Trump's closest friend. I'm just gonna read here, Jeffrey Epstein describes himself as Donald Trump's closest friend and claimed intimate knowledge of his proclivity for sex, including cuckolding his best friends, according to recordings obtained exclusively by the Daily Beast. The convicted pedophile even boasted of his closeness to Trump, and now wife Melania, by claiming,

the first time he slept with her was on my plane, which was dubbed the Lolita Express. Did he clarify what the name of his plane was? Or was that added by you? Because if he's just leaving a paper trail while he was there, we should have saw that. Going on it says, Epstein also alleged that Trump had an elaborate scheme to procure sex with his friends wives. He would call the men into his Trump Tower office to ask them about their sex lives and offer them sex with beauty pageant contestants, the pedophiles had. He would.

OK, editorial, I think. He would do this while the wives were unknown to their husbands, listening on speakerphone so that he could then seduce the wives on the basis that their husbands had betrayed them, Epstein claimed Epstein can be heard acting out what he alleged was Trump's elaborate seduction technique to wolf Using wolf's name and that of his wife Victoria to demonstrate it Epstein said and he'd say what's it like to do that Do you like having sex with your wife?

How often do you have sex with her Epstein claimed Trump would also say you must have had a better fuck with your wife? How often do you have sex with her? Epstein claimed Trump would also say, you must have had a better fuck than your wife. Tell me about it. Then the pedophile alleged Trump would say, we can go, you and I can go upstairs or tomorrow come over. There's this girl coming in from Los Angeles, part of the whatever, Hawaiian Tropic Contest. So come over and we can have a great time.

I promise you, Michael, you know it's just me and you. We can have a great time, Epstein added.. You know it's just me and you we can have a great time Epstein added the whole time your Victoria's with us on the phone Then he would use the wife's anger to seduce them he claims That's an interesting technique because like he's like your husband betrayed you with my help This seems like a game of telephone between like two guys with an 82 IQ Like this is something that phase Polanski would come up with well Why was the apprentices show like this should have this is a way better show. Why don't they just film this?

Okay, a show called wife wars. Yeah, exactly The tape mixes sexual allegations with other aspects of Trump's life. Early in the recording Epstein is heard to say, you probably already know he had scalp reduction. He's getting the same male pattern baldness that we all have. He had his scalp reduced. It's hysterical. Trump has long refused to release full medical records while his White House medical reports

did not disclose any prior surgeries. I wasn't aware scalp reduction was a thing. So basically they just, they remove some of your scalp and then pull the remaining scalp even tighter over your skull to move your hairline forward. Yeah, it turns your hair into a nice snare drum where you hold nice and tight. I can't imagine anything going wrong from that.

Yeah, if it's a big enough cut. Well, it just snap I thought LeBron cured hair loss. Like why didn't he just do whatever he did? Let's say this is he says Epstein also told wolf he had positive things to say about Trump. He's charming in a devious way. He's charming He said to some extent. It's a typical tragedy where he believes his own bullshit. Yeah, typically tragic He has delusions of grandiosity. Then he takes it on board. He added that he had a self-deprecating nature and was not vulgar He's funny Epstein said self-awareness means you're self-aware. He's aware of that person Donald Trump He talks about the Trump the Trumpster quote Trump's getting laid

Are people who are self-aware talking third person? So yeah, that's the October surprise. Are you surprised to learn any of this? I don't know, but. Yeah, I mean, ever since we saw the video where they're like doing the Macarena and like nervously giggling, pointing out like 14-year-old girls at Mar-a-Lago. This is...

If you stuck a gun to my head and were like, what do you think they did together? It would just be this. I didn't think anything could top this depravity, but I didn't prepare it for the show, but I do want to mention probably my favorite post of this election season happened to drop the other day. And it was from one of the Navy SEALs who killed Osama bin Laden or claimed to kill Osama bin Laden when he was running through a door with three other guys, like the three

Stooges and then probably shook it over themselves and accidentally killed them that way. But basically he was threatening young male supporters of Kamala Harris with sexual slavery, quote, if social media didn't exist. He said, if social media didn't exist, you all would be my concubines. And then people were like, do you know what the word concubine means?

He waited 12 hours and then said, I'm trying to make a point about what will happen to beta males like you you will be used for food or sex but mostly food is his point mostly is his point like oh like you know I would make you my prague I would make you my sex slave I would fuck Harry Sasan and all the Biden lads from TikTok. But there are just too many funny memes on X and I get distracted. Well, I think it's basically like a Roman thing here, right, of like fucking young boys. I think if men think about sex every six seconds and you think about Rome

every six seconds, it's more efficient to just combine those things. You have less to think about. I think our Navy SEALs spent a little too much time working with the Northern Alliance in Afghanistan. But to close out the show tonight, I would like to talk about an issue. And in the w waiting hours of selection This nation has coalesced around something that is sure to be the defining moment of this campaign that issue empathy For human beings, of course not. I'm talking about a rodent

I'm speaking of course about peanut the squirrel Peanut the Squirrel. Peanut the Squirrel, the beloved pet of a man who simply wanted to have a squirrel that he could use to promote his jack-off videos on OnlyFans. Before evil New York state governor, Kathy Hochul executed his pet squirrel and raccoon, which has become probably the major issue for Trump supporters in the last days of this campaign. Is it immigration? No, it's one rodent being killed.

I mean, it's crazy because the squirrel bit a cop. Either blue lives matter or they don't. You know what I mean? It's crazy for Republicans to turn on our law enforcement officials at this crucial moment. If there would have been a video of the squirrel biting the cop then there would have been plenty of Republicans who would be put the squirrel in the fucking blender he's got rabies for sure maybe the squirrel saw Joe Biden bite the kid who is dressed as a turkey he's getting ideas from you mr. President. Donald Trump couldn't eat a peanut if his brain is bigger than one.

Mr. President, do you have an opinion on Peanut the Squirrel? Should Peanut the Squirrel have been put down or should people be allowed to have squirrels to promote their only fans? Look, Peanut the Squirrel will not go to prison. He never said he was going to go to prison. He's with his wife and kids. He's with all his home. He's safe. He's home. I kind of feel like, like, Elon has really taken this as a personal cause where he's posting about it nonstop.

And I kind of feel like he missed out on being a focal point of like Harambe. And now he gets to have his own thing. You know what I mean? It really is like a forced energy. The AI images came out immediately. We squirrel head abs yeah like this energy is exactly like the Harambe energy like 10 years ago but they're not even getting how shitty that was they're not even like they just don't not even like you

know they love it I feel like Elon probably has a dicks out for Harambe bumper sticker like on his cyber truck that he just put on there, you know? I mean, obviously these memes are pretty dope and epic. I made that one, Felix made that one. And like, look, it is pretty terrifying to imagine armed agents of the state coming into your house and killing your pet. And thankfully this is the first time

that's ever happened in American history and it was unfortunately to this road. If it happened to me I would thank the cops. I just have a, just one post I saw here that was so good I had to read it here. This is from some tech shithead, I don't care, his name is Paul Baum. He says, because peanut is so incontrovertibly good, his killing is a Christ-like sacrifice. Humans are flawed, but this squirrel represented nothing but happiness. If you were in favor of killing peanut, you can't be good.

And if you are good, you can't stand with those who think killing peanut is good. Now I guess like, I think this is a, oh, by the way, the House Judiciary GOP's official Twitter account tweeted, justice for peanut. What would that look like? Yeah. I know, someone, someone like texted me and was like, I bet this will swing the election. And it's like, I just don't think most Americans

who are outside of the conservative Twitter bubble will know about this. But if they do, does it outweigh, we're going to force 11-year-olds to give birth at gunpoint? And also, what's their plan to rectify it? Like Chris is saying, is Trump Trump gonna resurrect peanut if he wins Trump is gonna make pet cemetery real

Is there a way to get my ballot back I think I'm gonna change it It just it just like over it gives me like an overwhelmingly like pathetic feeling to watch everyone force this turd out and like It reminds me of the guys who are like I had my friend over and we try it We tried to come up with a creepypasta But it's like half the country is doing that And this is something like you talked about on our show a lot is the sort of the evolution of you talked about on our show a lot, is the sort of, the evolution of reactionary

conservative sentiment in this country be sort of becoming what they beheld and like the rise of the soy right. And I guess like my closing statement for this election is I'm using this as like the perfect example of it. Is it like, I don't follow the polls, I don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow. But it does seem that there is a certain narrative

coherence and satisfaction to the idea that this election could be the perfect mirror opposite of 2016, in that Republican voters have cosseted themselves so thoroughly into a world in which apparently people care about a squirrel getting killed. And then like, are we getting on the cross talking about how The goat Ben Garrison the goat

I like that like I like he actually drew this Yeah, he drew it Ben Garrison has like a fun distinct style all the AI shit and like the playing dolls with woe Jax I'm a cool Nordicic gamer and I'm gonna kill the state. No, but this is fine, I like this. Yeah, this is nice. This is the closing argument. And like there's like less than 24 hours before voting starts.

And people are being encouraged to vote to avenge the death of a rodent. All Republican policies are just chosen by my aunt Sharon now But you see what I mean like this could be a Mirror reflection of 2016 in terms of how like fucking self-righteous these people have gotten about absolutely nothing Well like for it to fully be a mirror of 2016 in like the last day of the campaign Hillary would have had to have made the campaign about like I know something so low percentage and so like

in the book like saying that Donald Trump didn't watch the net like that's the only equivalent I could come up with the Sandra Bullock movie? Donald Trump's voters haven't seen the O.A. Well, maybe we should ask you, Mr. President, what do you think is going to happen tomorrow? I won't be in town. Alright, I don't have any more thoughts on this election. I can't believe there's like a couple more months to go of this bullshit. Yeah. Well, look, I know we prepared a Christmas, it was supposed to be a Christmas show, but

apparently there's a fucking election we have to talk about, but we didn't want to leave You Find People in the Audit Center without a Christmas present. So we're going to give you a Christmas present tonight. And to deliver the Christmas present, we all know who delivers Christmas. Please join me in welcoming to stage Santa Claus, everybody. Thank you. The reading the squirrels. The reading, the cats that are in there. Santa Claus, it's so great to have you back. It's obviously been a long time since you've been on the show.

It's been about a year since you've been on the show, so I just have to ask, how have things been? How you been doing? I'm just chilling. Laughter Applause Applause Applause Applause

Applause Applause So Santa Claus, obviously I've been struggling with this election I've been struggling really with trying to come up with anything to say that's meaningful about this election or the last seven years, or the future, and that's largely being given because we haven't had Santa Claus on the show in a while.

But you, Santa tonight, you have prepared a poem. Yes, that's right. I really want to express the quantum ironic Twilight Zone weirdness. But unfortunately, my brain is soup. So I composed a poem. And I just want to thank to Amber Rallo for translating honestly like the last testament of Dutch Schultz.

So this fusion if you will, a poem, Because the Internet. Freak like me. Dr. Gonzo once said, when he going gets tough, the weird, the weird turn pro. Reaching into the darkness, weird connecting to weird. Yet the weird needs a nucleus, a pole for the tetherball to swing around. Every action Newton and blithely eating an apple has an equal and opposite reaction. So what is the opposite of calling JD Vance a

couch fucker? Or worse, publishing that he drinks Diet Mountain Dew. Or are these already the reactions to weird Twitter? Classical mechanics in the pop culture war of the sexes. The internet warping Newtonian mechanics into a quantum fantasy. As McClunand predicted, the TV has been transubstantiated into cool. The influencer killed the TV star by recognition. They tried to beat Trump with a finely tuned political critique, but Trump is a cool media and we just wanted to be entertained. The mass is rent. We have no stake in this decaying system.

We don't have a slice of pie, so who cares what thumb it is? It's impossible to rise to the level of fever pitch loss when we don't have anything to lose. A voting sticker does not constitute a plum. But in our craze to be entertained, we accidentally split the atom. Just because they built it doesn't mean we share custody. Unsatiated by weddings endless appetizers, we are now haunted by Banco's hungry ghost putting the Q in Banco, telling

ourselves a bedtime story but be getting nap mares. Mutually assured weirdness has knocked for us from the apple tree. Normalcy might not as fantastic but pays dividends. We may not have patios, but we still have our bodies grieving the promise of the American dream Bernie was delusion a Kubler Ross Cope Turning and turning in the widening gyre we awake in wreckage these things play themselves We bought the tickets. We're just along for the ride We bought the tickets, we're just along for the ride. Weird is infected with terminal alienation.

The right are the true radicals. Being an outlier is not people power. We have the numbers. I sanctify with normal. In the name of the football, beer, and a little bit of chicken fry. ["J.D. Vance's Voice Echoes into the Darkness"] Yet, JD Vance's voice echoes into the darkness. Oh, is a sports ball happening? ["J.D. Vance's Voice Echoes into the Darkness"]

["J.D. Vance's Voice Echoes into the Darkness"] Peace out of here! Peace of our nation! Los Angeles, Aritonni Theater. I wanna thank you guys so much tonight. Merry Christmas. Once again, let's give it up for Santa Christman. Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Once again, I wanna thank Chris Wayne, Amber Rallo, Matt Christman, Alex Branson, Felix Biederman, President Joe Biden, Charles Austin,

and me, Will Medica, and the Dan Vector Christmas time players, they're playing us off tonight, people. Love you, out! ["Dream of the Dream"] Dreamin' a dream, dreamin' a dream Dreamin' a dream, dreamin' a dream Forever Keep that dream burning, believe it Keep that dream burning forever I'm coming for you I'm coming for you I'm coming for you Why are you doing so much for one woman, babe? I'm going to be a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a dream Dream of a dream Dream of a dream Dream of a dream Dream of a dream Dream of a dream Thanks for watching!