Chubby Behemoth - Blow It Up And Blast Em

Episode Date: January 29, 2024

SPONSORS: TUSHY Support the show and get 10% off with code CHUBBY at https://www.hellotushy.com FACTOR Support the show & get Factor for 50% off at https://www.factormeals.com/CHUBBY50 and use code CHUBBY50 BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   The boys are joined by James McCann this week. Nathan presents the fellas with the apple juice truth. James met a man with many uncles, pitches a new direction for PBS, and defends Iggy Pop. Sam talks about big vs long, questions the makeup of the host, and teaches James about T-shirts. James keeps mixing up Jon and Jon. Nathan had a one on one with a priest.    Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

We're rolling. I feel like that meme where there's a little white girl and all those big black men around her who are going to be having sex with her later on. Yeah, but you're her. I know. Yeah, we're going to use you. It's my dream.

Don't you want to make it in show business in America? I suppose I do, but I don't know that she's making it in show business in America. She made it. She's in a meme. She's more famous than any of us in this room. What's her name? I don't know.

I don't want to know. I don't want to know. It's not Piper Perry, is it? I wouldn't know. I wouldn't want to know. But if it is, she's doing all right. Piper would be an apt name.

She's popular. Yeah. That's what they said they were going to do. Yeah. We're going to Piper. They follow through on their commitments

in that business. Hey, so great to be here. Look at that. Well, this is just how we would normally have a conversation. That's right. Sitting between the two big beds. This is how we watched the New York Knicks game earlier with you between us.

And you would look over there and then I would come very close to the back of your neck and give it a little whiff. That's all I ask. Yeah. We did watch Man on Fire. We did, yeah. Which I'd never seen before, which the back half of Man on Fire Man in Flames. Dude, the edits on Man on Fire were too did, yeah. Which I'd never seen before, which the back half of Man on Fire, Man in Flames. Dude, the edits on Man on Fire were... Too much.

A lot. 2004 style, yeah. Phrenetic. Very busy. Like a Prodigy music video. Yeah. And I believe they played Prodigy at one point, that the Hispanics were dancing

while he was shooting into the air. He did. And they didn't know it wasn't part of the song. So they kept dancing. Because Denzel, I don't know what it is, but he got that rhythm. He couldn't shoot off beat. That's why they actually started putting gunshots into rap music was to get away with clandestine kidnappings into club.

Gunshots says fast forward. We're joined here today by longtime fan of the pod, James McCann, everyone. A pleasure and a delight. Thank you for having me back in your hotel room. Glad to have you. Well, you took over one of our hotel rooms. You annexed my room, so I had to come over here and sleep with Lund.

It was an annexation that the people were very happy to facilitate. It was sort of an Austria situation rather than a Ukraine. That's right. But I really appreciate it. We love sharing a room. Yeah, it's more natural. It gave us an easy out. Across from each other.

If any of you want to come and sleep in your room tonight, I would love the company. And if we could all sleep in here together, that would be my dream. Well, you're going to be out rocking and rolling late

doing the Secret Society show. Thank you for getting me that late show. I'll try to be respectable. Oh, I don't care. All right, I'll let it all get loose. And I'm going to, I think I'm going to

go back to bed and then catch the afternoon bus. Yeah, you have the whole room to yourself tomorrow. Yeah. You can probably have it till like 1pm. Oh, I can go to an art gallery. You're not going to do that. You're going to get fucking smashed at the Secret Society show. Then you're going to come ambling back with some young ebony minks

in your loo. It's good to know now that I have no free will and thus surrender to it in the evening to follow. What did you call it? Young ebony minks? An ebony minks in your loo. It's good to know now that I have no free will and thus surrender to it in the evening to follow. What did you call it? Young ebony minks? An ebony mink. Oh, an ebony mink. Yeah, yeah. You're going to go black.

There's a word that I won't say. And you're never going to go back to your family in rural Ohio. I don't want to out where you live. Oh, no, Steubenville. I tell everyone, Steubenville, Ohio. I heard they changed the name when you got there to Stupidville. It sounds ever so much like Stupidville already. But it's not. It's a beautiful town and there's

a beautiful revitalization effort happening there. No, there's not. Many murals. They're bringing in foreign Catholics. They are. And domestic. Foreign and domestic Catholics. That's what the FBI call. And there's Chesterton's Cigar Bar. New Polities, a great magazine there

The Hi-Hat We've discussed it at great length Our dive bar, The Hi-Hat Is there anybody famous from Steubenville? One You know You know It's going to be here

It's my Dean Martin impression It's really good He was just drunk for the back 30 years of his career And they were all talking about it Like it was Well, it was admirable, you know Like back then, you get drunk You hang out with a black guy and an Italian, you know 30 years of his career. And they were all talking about it. Like it was... Well, it was admirable. You know? Like back then, you get drunk,

you hang out with a black guy and an Italian. You know? I think he pretended to be Italian. Walla habibi, baby. Walla habibi, baby. Don Rickles as well. That was actually a very multicultural group for the time that was happening. They had Jews and Italians and...

Yeah. And a Jewish black. Yeah. Disabled black Jew. Well, I wouldn't say disabled just because he's black. Is that what you're saying? Check out disability. And then he'd start singing.

I think Dean Martin drank apple juice for some of the... You think it was a put on thing? Later part of his career. I'm pretty sure that that's true. I don't know if it was a shtick. I watched his... In anticipation of going to steubenville i watched the christmas special he did with frank sinatra and you know

their kids are there you know like their daughters and their children and dean martin is fucking done he's moving around like this you know hey it's going to be and then their daughters get up and leave the room right at, at the end of that sketch. And then the hot women come in and they're both, no transition. They're like, oh, this is so nice. Get out of here, kids. It's time for dessert. We'll get some more cigarettes.

Yeah. Remember to rip the filters off. But it wasn't considered, I mean, America is very puritanical, I find, about drink to the extent that, you know, in certain places you can, yes, you can even drink outside because it's such a non-drinking culture that you you you are happy to risk someone having a bud light and a ferry you think that america is a non-drinking culture i think you have a uh you have a shame about drunkenness what that not proportional just because you guys down

there all wear diapers so you can fucking get pissed on 4X all the time. You know, full well, there's that English thing of the tarts and the harlots in the street and their little gowns just passed out so, so drunk. That's a Japanese thing. Well, you've got to pay a lot of money in Japan to get a child to do that. But you don't have... It's actually a lot more reasonable than you think. The yen is down.

It's all blurred when you get a film of it. No, it's not as bad a drinking culture. Well, there's two, that's what you guys forget down there. You're from where? Adelaide.

Adelaide, Australia, which is where we first met. Our courtship began. You have 20 million of you guys down there. Roughly, yeah. Yeah, so anything you guys do really doesn't count

in the grand scheme of things. It's a blip. Yeah, you guys don't't matter i think that's a very bad thing to say about roughly the same population of black america who would do great things it's roughly they've got 30 million we got 25 yeah and what did they give us things great things what have they given you they gave us rock and roll they gave us dance they gave us barbecue exactly what have you guys given us i come from a land down under yeah exactly men at work uh the veronicas who were they that's uh they had um exactly untouched you have to explain all of your references to us no steve irwin's a great man he's dead he was tricked by the dumbest fish weak world yeah if he wanted to live he would have lived

It's hard because culturally We don't have I mean you don't know Dame Edna The best Australian comedian We know Dame Edna It was a man who wore a dress Yes

That's a drag queen I can get behind Yeah exactly So Dame Edna was great Okay Barry Humphries Recently also dead The Barry Humphries

Yes No idea Oh great writer Doesn't count Doesn't matter Barry Humphries' autobiography More Please Is my favorite section in a book When I think of barry humphrey i say less please

this is a man you for a man who loves to read you would love barry now you were telling me about your you you absolutely have to cut that out so we will becker make a note of that right there. No, let's delete it now. I'll delete it off the SD card. We'd lose six minutes of awesome stuff about Barry Humphrey. No, no, no. Hold on.

What is that? 7.30. I'll remember. So the edit has been made. And we are... Well, see, here's the thing. James came in yesterday. Why don't you tell us about your day yesterday

I feel terrible I've got anything in my life that has to be edited out you know I'd like to be an open book quit bringing it up alright let's make a clean edit

so yesterday you had a big day yes I did yeah well tell us oh yes well I went to get a look at you

you've turned pink you're ruddy cheeked now I went to get a... Look at you. You've turned pink. You're ruddy-cheeked now. I went to go and get a rental car. Yes. So that I could drive from Steubenville, Ohio to here, Mary Cleveland, and they wouldn't take me, which is good because I couldn't... I realized the insurance wasn't included in the quote. You never get the insurance on a rental car.

Well, I would have thought they wanted to protect their rent-a-car rather than just have my ability to pay for it later speculated as to. Right, they want you to ding it up so then they can charge you full price on that car. So it's one of the grand schemes of American enterprise. I'm glad to have been rescued from it by not having the credit card they wanted me to have.

I had a debit card. And also you don't have a social security number. I'm waiting on a social security number. The one you bought on the dark web ended up being fake, right? Why don't you take Lund's? Lund's not using his. He lives off the grid. Social security number? Yeah.

We could share it. Can you do that? Like a Netflix account? I'm told it's very, very exclusive. It's an exclusive club that only about 80% of the country qualifies for. Oh, yeah. But you can still get a gun? At Walmart, you can buy a rifle

here was a weird thing the guns you can get a gun less expensively than the toy gun the gel blaster costs more than a rifle well you get a gel blaster it's very exclusive you have to do kill tony that's where you get the gel blaster what did i do oh i well so i went to pittsburgh someone gave me a lift to pittsburgh and then I spoke to a wonderful homeless man for three hours. I thought he was going to jump me, but he didn't. We just had a great time. You made all the mistakes of a foreigner on the bus. Well, yes.

Then I was – You let him use your cell phone. You bought them beers. Man, a lot of people were trying to touch my cell phone yesterday, mobile, smartphone, telephone. It's because your screensaver is so gorgeous. It's my boy. Exactly.

It's my sweet boy. And yes, then I was on the bus. And I feel, I don't know, he was going through a hard time. But it was a guy who was on speed and sat next to me for the two and a half hour ride and told me about all the famous people he knew. And some of the, I don't know that, he said so many people were his blood uncle. Stone Cold Steve Austin's his uncle. And Chris Benoit was his uncle.

And this was the one that got me, is Chris Benoit only kills his child to send him to God. And you can't blame a man for that. And it's like, well, what do you say in response to this? Would you rather be living in Chris Benoit's compound in Atlanta or within the realm of heaven and paradise immortal wait do you know what chris benoit did yeah oh good yeah oh yeah we heard about it yeah yeah it made the news down here if it made it to you we heard about it like

three days beforehand if only someone else had found out three days beforehand and stopped him engaging i think eddie guerrero did know three days beforehand no wait him engaging in that spree. Well, I think Eddie Guerrero did know three days beforehand. No, Eddie Guerrero died. It was Chavo then. Eddie Guerrero died first. Yeah. And they still were looking for his killer. Eddie Guerrero was not killed.

Was he? No, it was an inside job. His heart exploded. He's in the El Paso Sports Hall of Fame, Eddie Guerrero. Nice. They would always talk about Eddie Guerrero's addiction

with drugs and then they'd be quite wishy-washy on what the drugs were. I think it was everything, man. Wrestlers absolutely rule. They're the cowboys of the West. Yeah, a lot of pain pills.

I think the cowboys were the cowboys of the West. Uppers. Somas. Cocaine. Somas, yeah. Do you guys ever get Somas down there? Only in an Aldous Huxley novel. Soma is the drug that's great to keep people passive.

No? Okay. And you can get it over the counter in Mexico, Only in an Aldous Huxley novel. Soma is the drug that's great to keep people passive. No, it's okay. And you can get it over the counter in Mexico. And it is a muscle relaxer, non-paralleled. This is the bottom opener that the homosexuals use? No, no, that's amyl nitrate. Anal nitrate? Amyl nitrate.

Don't look at me after you say that. Look straight ahead. Look in the camera. Chica Chappies, having a good time. What a ribbled afternoon this has been. So you were trapped on the bus with a man named... previous to the bus. Oh my God, I don't want to out him. Why?

Well, I'm afraid of him. You should be. 7.30. He listens. We're not editing two things out of this. I'll do it. Just because you live a shameful, deviant lifestyle that you don't want your many fans to know about.

Well, it's hard because I don't think he was doing well. And you think our fans are going to look up... 666. Well, I gave him my Instagram. So he's following me on Instagram now. So if this does come out, he'll hear it. He'll be fine. And I know he's motivated travel-wise

and he knows where I'm from. He's motivated. Yeah. He's going to have to find someone else to borrow their phone to listen to this podcast. So I think we're okay. He had many phones. He did.

I wouldn't worry. They're giving out free phones at the bus station. Greatest country in the world, man. What do they give out down there? Xylophones? So you can call the wallabies from their nest? Ding, ding, ding. Welcome, hop on out.

Oh, mercy me. It's a great country. So much poverty. So much beautiful poverty. We call that the freedom to fail. Freedom and its consequences. We don't have the social safety net that you've been coddled by your entire life. Made you weak.

Well, and it's a floor and a ceiling because we also don't accelerate the greatness and we don't kill as many children in schools. But I'm not sure whose system is better. Well, you guys killed what? There was one shooting and you guys all bent over and let the PM fuck your freedom away? Yes. Yeah.

Not up Australia. That is John Howard's one great thing, but I think it was the one blight. Yeah, I mean, I think that a free country has the right to arm itself. That's not quite how the Second Amendment's worded. What is it? It says blow it up and blast it.

It's like come and take it. Yeah, exactly. Fuck around, find out. Pull them if you got them. I don't know that you could describe current gun ownership in America as a well-regulated militia. No.

Oh, no. They're going down to the Texas border to be a militia, it sounds like. Yeah. So we'll see what happens with that. Such a strange divide between things. When I look at my news sources of america even now and they're going like there's a war happening on the border you know that it's going to be a civil war and then i you know just walking around in cleveland people just seem quite happy to sell their little coffee and

smoke their little cigarettes yeah it's very there's no air talking to people in normal society that a war's coming right i mean we've been on the the edge of a civil war it seems in this country since you know 1950 as it should that's what they want us to believe they want us to believe that we're all ready to fucking kill our neighbors and steal their teeth for the new currency but no we're not we're good we're good people. Nothing's wrong in this country. There's no racism. Everyone has money. People walk around the streets.

They sing songs. They do dances. This is the public good that PBS could serve, right? It's just, instead of having, you know, their Poofter Mafia nonsense, they could come out.

That's Barry Humphries' line. He's a great writer. Poofter Mafia. They should just come out and go, America's fine. People are relaxed. Families people are relaxed families it's great that doesn't sell fucking nicotine touches if it's pbs they don't have to sell anything that should be what the state media takes as its responsibility rather than going thomas the tank engine was sucking and fucking all day long and i think that the state media has negative connotations i don't think i would

describe the network that shows us... PBS is a state media. Yeah, but it also shows us Sesame Street and Zoom. Yes, that's your propaganda that you're shoving down the throats. What, teaching kids to read? What, you think all propaganda is men in a steel mill with grease smiling and raising their fists in the air? No, it's teaching

children how to read. This is the most pernicious propaganda. I am a very antiquated Catholic, and I think the printing press must be destroyed, gentlemen. It's so funny that you're Catholic. I mean, I love you, but it's crazy, your belief system. There was a man last night who came up to me, and he had heard that I was a Catholic.

He said, you're a Catholic. I'm a Protestant. And I was starting to launch into, well, what about this and this? And he was like, I just wanted to tell you that I'm thinking of converting to Catholicism. And I felt like a real asshole. We had a drink, and he's a nice guy this and he was like oh i just wanted to tell you that i'm thinking of converting to catholicism and i feel like a real asshole we had a drink he's a nice guy and he's got my number i feel safe with him having you blasted him with the reformation i was like so a scriptura where is it in the book i've got 99 problems for you right here pal you know there's something i always wanted to ask you about. Do you think that we should get more active in our anti-religious fervor?

Should we start burning people who share the word of Christ? You mean on the pod? No, no. I mean, should we gather up gas cans and sticks? The state. Yeah. No, I wish that we would, you know, prosecute pedophiles more regularly. Because, yeah, there's a bunch of people

who are religious who aren't hurting anybody. But just the ones who are pedophiles, not the ones that liars accuse of things they didn't do. Kids get confused. A lot. I've said it a lot. Yeah. It's like a game of leapfrog.

It's not necessarily a game of, whoops, it's all sodomy. Also, I don't think there's a bunch of kids who are like, man, I'm sick of having to sit here in Sunday school. I'm going to make up that I got rammed so I can get out of here, go to the arcade. I think. I don't think there's a bunch of liars. Maybe this will be controversial.

I think there are. No. You have to think there are. You remember the satanic panic in the attic? Your God is dead. You remember satanic panic in the attic? Well, he's not dead. He's merely very sick.

That's a piece of graffiti that I've seen. He has AIDS. God is kicked. Yeah, from fucking all those kids. No, please. Satanic panic in the attic. You know about in the 80s, kids came out and very reliably said, there's Satan rituals and dungeons and sex magic,

and it's that guy doing it. And then there's no dungeons. Right. But there are convictions. There are people put away. Children love to lie. Right. But there was a lot of blood sugar.

There wasn't a lot of sex magic. Huh? Red Hot Chili Peppers? Gosh, I hope that no sexual impropriety ever come out of allegations toward the Red Hot Chilis. I love them so much. Oh, I bet that they were. They had to bang.

They would have had so much intercourse. I think they were deeply Catholic off stage. Hey, better, better. Hey, well, as in open to everybody. As in they were. They would have had so much intercourse. I think they were deeply Catholic. Hey, better, better. Hey, well, as in open to everybody. As in they were banging 16-year-olds. At least they were 16. If only the problem the church had was men having sex with beautiful 16-year-old women. Girls, girls, girls, which is not good, but it would be a step forward.

I think America would be willing to look the other way if like the Red Hot Chili Peppers bagged like Sydney Sweeney when she was a day under 18 I think they would build a fucking statue for old Kiedis do you remember when

David Bowie they were coming for Bowie yeah no one cared because the group and everyone everyone was like if I was 14

to have Bowie's there goodness me all the ladies it's a different time yeah and her life ended very badly but I don't think that was necessarily to do with you can't put that on Bowie's there. Goodness me. All the ladies were there. It's a different time, yeah. And her life ended very badly, but I don't think that was necessarily to do with it. You can't put that on Bowie. No.

And I bet he had a long wiggler, too. You know what I mean? You think he had a big, long penis? I don't think he had a big. I think he had a long one. Oh. Yeah. Like those country boys.

A little Q-tip for your ears and mouth. Yeah. I reckon he just had the perfect... Imagine the hairstyles of his pubics. Glitter. You know what I bet about David Bowie's's penis i bet it didn't curve at all i bet it was a straight piston pipe that birds could land on right yeah uh-huh yeah you could use it to like not a child not a big bird no yeah yeah a little sparrow or like some starlings i bet there's a picture of his penis out there right now.

I can't believe David Bowie went through those cocaine years and no one got a penile snap. I bet it was sheathed in some kind of silk pantaloon, though. You know what I mean? Like, I bet he had a glove on his cock. Iggy Pop's penis, surely. There's Iggy Pop's penis. Yeah, but you know it's not big. Iggy Popsicle.

I bet Iggy Pop has a beautiful penis. I bet that he has a great utilitarian penis, but I don't think that it's like a gaper. There's some glass in it. Yeah, exactly. It's covered in peanut butter and scars. It too has looked like that since he was 22, and it's just never aged.

Dude, I love the Ig Man. Heroin preserves people. Isn't that strange? They're terrible young and great when they're old. It's because they're all skinny. They are. And they're always walking around the city trying to find things to sell to the pawn shop. They're still terrible young and great when they're old. It's because they're all skinny. They are. And they're always walking around the city trying to find things to sell to the pawn shop. And they're active.

They get eight hours sleep. Oh, they get more than eight. Yeah. They're a bit gluttonous. They're like old Lud today. They get lots of sleep. Lud, how much heroin did you do? I could not wake up.

Jeez. Well, I got woken up by a housekeeper coming in because that's a scam, isn't it? They make the do not disturb sign come off every time you open or close the door so that they can get in here. They want to disturb you. Steal some stuff. Right. Wash some towels so they can justify their paycheck. Get out of here.

I was so happy when I came back and saw the clean towels. I thought I might have two showers before the show. Did they come in and make up your beds? Yeah. While you were gone? Well, no, they gave me more towels. I don't know if they're mad at the bed because I had stuff on the bed. You allowed them into the room.

I had a big favor for one of you. I forgot to put up the thing. Yeah. Can I borrow a t-shirt for tonight? Yeah. Thank you. I'm out of clean. You know you're going to be swimming in it from either one of us.

I'm going to put on a jacket over the top and tuck it in. Okay. Because you're going to be putting on a dressing gown. I'm a double XL. You're a couple of. i'm gonna put on a jacket over the top and tuck it in okay but uh because you're gonna be putting on a dressing gown i'm a double xl you a couple of i'm double xl you are yeah wow good for you that sucks good i wish i was more truncated like you more smush you're a big and tall man i know yeah b and t went into, I bought a pair of big and tall pants in old Sweden, and I walked in, and they were very eager to serve. Because everyone there's so skinny, and they haven't sold a big pair. They haven't sold one single pair of large pants.

They have the tall, yeah. They got the tall flying off the shelves. Yeah, when they shook out the pair of pants that they bought, they whipped it out, and a bunch of dust and moths came out. Finally, a super trooper has come through the door. Are you Farva? What's Farva? From the film Super Troopers.

Oh, no, I was referring to the Alba song. Oh, okay. I was talking about the American comedy classic. Wait, is Super Troopers? No, I'm thinking Starship Troopers. I haven't seen Super Troopers. Starship Troopers. Your big Starship Troopers, man.

I used to jerk to that, man. I committed the lonely sin to that fucking movie over and over. Did you believe that it was... Did you understand the irony, or did you just think it was a cool movie? No, the three minutes that I kept rewinding, I didn't really pick up the subtext and semiotics. I didn't know there was a sexual...

Denise Richards is nude. I might have missed that part of it. There's a few... Her Funko Pops are on the shelf. Yeah. The dumpening is what they call it. Triumph of the movie. The dumpening, yes.

And then I did the dampening of that T-shirt I kept between my mattress and the bed springs. Get that under control. Have you committed the sin of Onan in the room? Well, you know, the sin of Onan is... I'm really trying to get on top of that. I'm trying to put it in biblical terms. I tell you, the hotel room presents difficulties.

It is. It's kind of like a, it's between time and space. There's no rules. It's a liminal space. God can't see. Yeah. Right, yeah.

God can't see. It's one of the reasons I would really like to be traveling with people and be in the room with them because I don't think I could masturbate in the room

with another person. Lord knows I've never done that. Sam. Oh, shame, shame, shame, shame. A guy at the bar last night, a comic, reminded me of that wonderful event and I was like

yes, yes, thanks for listening. Did you know? He told me the next day. He's like, I jacked it. But you didn't know at the time. He was asleep on the ground like a dog. I had an air mattress.

You're not successful enough to get Louis C. Cade yet. He would never air mattress. I put some food in his dish. You're not successful enough to get Louis C. Cade yet. He would never tattle. I also tattled on myself. What are you talking about now? I tattled on myself. It was nothing wrong or lurid. You tattled on yourself and then you were tattling about it. Yeah, I tasted my own tater and I tattled. Oh no, I would never do that. You tasted it.

I did. I would never, I would never, ever try my own load. No, I wouldn't. No, I don't know. Isn't that like the whole sacrament thing, though, is you're eating Jesus' load every day when you go to church? No, that's not true. And that, frankly, I'll have you know,

is one of the few offensive things you could ever say to me. Oh, yeah? I shouldn't have even let you know so that you'd not desecrate further. I'm going to be desecrated. Well, don't broadcast it. I'm going to do it on stage. I'll be like, that guy eats Jesus' load or something. I don't understand.

Do you want the theological response? It's cultural. Every atom of the host is every atom of Christ. You're going to eat the MC? You eat the entire body of Christ with the entire bread host. Okay. It is the body of Christ. It's all of Christ.

You know what's in that body? Cum. Well, presumably. Wad. And blood. Not blood. The blood's separate. But bone. Mencys, yeah. Because didn't he have both? Wasn't he a herm? He was made flesh. And so all the horrible things about our bodies,

he had to suffer also. I don't know if they're in his risen body. So you're saying that JC also had boils on his thighs? He was a little wad. Yeah. I think Corfey was a little wad. There is some tradition that he was incapable of illness. I don't know how I feel about that.

He suffered what we say. And this is why early Christians and people who had been in the pagan movement found it implausible. It was impossible to think that the divine could be in something as ugly and fleshy and sweaty and farty and strange as the human body. So they had this like, this was an early heresy.

Yeah, what if he came back and he was like, I'm the son of God. I don't think people would line up to eat his body. Wouldn't we all be surprised by that? Let me touch you and you'll be healed. They're like, no.

Not on your head though. Yeah, don't touch me at all. You have to heal people by honking them. I can only heal ladies. Get over here. I don't want to spoil the story, but a lot of people felt this way about our Lord. Yeah. That he was making it up, and he was a strange dude as well.

You just went Budokai when you took your hat off. You're full Super Saiyan. I want to get that SS3 big down the back. Oh, yeah. I'll pray for you. What's that? SS3? Super Saiyan back. Oh, yeah. I'll pray for you. What's that? SS3? Super Saiyan 3.

Oh, okay. You know what? Save your prayers. Hey, the Catholic wave, it's on. This atheist thing, that Dawkins thing, that's in the past. I'm hip. I'm on the hip new wave. You're in the lazy old silly part.

I'm surfing for Satan. He's certainly surfing for you. Fun where he may devour. Hey, man, guess what? I'm a little morsel. Eat me up, Satan. Come get me, behemoth. You're welcome, man.

You know the name of this podcast is The Chubby Behemoth. You'll make that dream come true for you. Yes, but what is a behemoth? A behemoth is the land creature? No, a behemoth was one of the... A satanic thing? He was one of the lesser demons. He's like a Baphomet type.

I don't study demonology very much. You don't read the cool part? You just read the boring part. Satan is real and we should be very afraid of him. I say, come and get us. All three of us. No, hey! Come on.

I don't fuck with Satan. Oh shit, Satan's here. Oh no! You're taking advantage of where I'm sitting in the middle of the room. Oh no. He's here. Well, I'll pray that you get saved. I think Satan's under here. Hold on. Oh please.

What a silly... James, do you like rock and roll and pussy? Answer. Yes, Satan. Do you like pussy and rock and roll? Of course Cool Then why are you wasting your time with all that gay god shit?

Come down here and get slurped Come down here Lonely in a flesh prison Satan's cool Turn away from him All the unhappiness in your life Oh yeah I want to get chastised I'm going to go hang out with this guy with six tits

Satan can I see him? You can touch him. Whoa. Rock and roll forever. Damn, dude. David Bowie's down here. And he's banging Dakota Fanning. She's not dead.

Oh, then who's this? I think maybe you can conjure up a likeness. You know what? I'll pivot on rock and roll. It's probably JonBenet. Rock and roll is not worth it. JonBenet's in hell. I kept saying that instead of Jean Baptiste recently.

Really? But no, rock and roll, I'm against. Look, I've enjoyed some rock and roll. I think in my core and my spirit, I'm against rock and roll. Because there comes a time when you're sad and you're down. You've listened to a lot of the rock music where it doesn't. It's unsophisticated. It can only get you to a lot of the rock music where it doesn't, it's unsophisticated.

It can only get you to a certain place. It doesn't touch the parts of the soul that the music is meant to get you to. Yeah, it speaks to the animal. Yes. I mean, don't we have enough animal in us already that we shouldn't be talking to it? All we've been trying to do as humans for the last thousand years

is domesticate ourselves beyond pleasure. That's all we're trying to do. No, what we need to do is we need to get in the mud and we need to eat it like it's chocolate, baby. I've seen... Let me ask you this.

You've seen poly people and how they look. There is something about that. I've seen Pauly Shore. He looks great. That's who you're talking about? That's Pauly Shore. I think so.

Polysexual. Pauly Pocket. People in an open relationship look revolting. There's something wrong with it. Not always. That's not true. The ones who approach me in Lund?

That's not true. Sometimes they're hot. Oh, yeah. And it's everything you'd want. It would be tough to say no to the couple because even though there's a dude involved, he's hot. Yeah, no, it happens. Is that because we watched that Paul Rudd scene last time? Yeah.

Already a brother involves. And it would be the same thing where it's like, I wish I could. Yeah, no, it happens Is that because we watched that Paul Rudd scene last time? Our Idiot Brother involves And it would be the same thing Where it's like, I wish I could For me, I don't think I could be like Oh yeah, get down there I'm gay, so we have a different I see that scene And I feel very differently

Get off of me Get those hot tits out of here Trying to bang this dude over here. Yeah. Hey, beat it, sister. Trying to copulate with the fellas. No, yeah. They're not all wearing Invader Zim hoodies.

Yeah. And popping each other's back acne. There's some hot poly stuff going on, and I'm happy for them. I think it's not worth uh the headaches because once you get into are there any rules almost certainly there are but then isn't breaking that rule part of the fun probably so it would be tough to nail where both couples are or both side both parts of the couple are uh agreeing on these rules following them and it works i'm sure there's if only someone had given us a set of rules

that we could stick to. Well, that's the thing. In a situation where there's no taboos, you have to create your own. And that's why these poly people get so freaky deaky Dutch. Where do you think that yearning for a taboo comes from? Why should we yearn for a taboo?

Because it feels good. Good to be bound. Good to break the taboo. To break the covenant. Hey. Oh, well. Hey, James, you're a busy man with a bunch of kids. Too many.

Because you hate condoms too, right? I do. Where's that in the old book? You don't want to spend... You don't remember the go raw, leave it in section? Yeah, it's like don't spill on the ground because the devil will take it and make a milkshake out of it. The argument against contraception is largely natural law

rather than scriptural. But please, let's continue with this read. You don't want to spend your whole day figuring out what to eat, going to the grocery store, waiting in long lines, cooking, and doing dishes. No. Waiting on a bread line. So what I need to do is become successful enough to have a valet.

You do, yeah. You need a little, like, chattel slave that you keep there in your compound. Indentured soup. Well, sure, yeah. Potato, yeah. You need a little, like, shadow slave that you keep there in your compound. Indentured to me. Well, sure, yeah. Potato, potato. You know how you can help with this? Factor. Yes, that's right.

All hail Factor. God smile upon half man, half God Factor. Factor is the only deity that I pray to. Provider of food. They're ready. From the earth. And you don't have to pretend like you're eating his body. What do they do?

What is this thing? We don't pretend. They have a ready-to-eat meal delivery sense. Chef prepared, dietician approved meals straight to your door. Not gay to your door. Which is in the copy, which is crazy. So this is Jenny Craig for fat people. It's not even for fat people. It's not weight loss.

It's just healthy. It's just ready-to meal kits Well, you know, if you wake up and you hit the gym When I wake up When I go to hit the gym And Factor sends me a meal kit You got a whole day ahead of you You don't want to worry about What do I want to eat, you know?

What soups are in the cupboard? What am I going to eat? What am I going to eat? Soups in the cupboard What am I going to eat? I'm hungry. Factor, factor, factor, factor. You need a spoon. All you have to do is heat them up in the microwave

or as you guys call them, the electro radio kiln or skillet for two minutes, which you guys call a stove. You guys call an opulent house dressing, the skillet over there. And you've got yourself an awesome meal. Now look, I love fact to work.

And you know who eats the shit out of these motherfuckers? Old Dave T. My father, Duddy Dave, that guy is hiking with his companions. He's going on long bike rides. And good God, does he need to have his energy up. He's the opposite. I'm surprised he doesn't want to have some of his day taken up with deciding what meal to eat.

Well, my dad makes meals and they're fucked, dude. Yeah. My dad's been making this like, he has this like kind of like a tortilla that's like 40 calories, but it's huge. It's like a manhole cover. And he makes pizzas out of them, but he puts like blue cheese and sardines on the pizza. They're totally, they're riddles. They're more of a dare than they are a meal. And then he's like, hey, I'm going to, and then guess how much black pepper is on this pizza way too much all of it all the

available black pepper in albert county you can't say that oh i said it black pepper in a dad's pizza dish so i love them and also they do that juice thing too which is really fucking juices are really really tasty now me when i'm at home i'm a vegan and factor provides for me all right and lund you don't give a shit if you live or die so you get the protein plus meals right i can have maybe one or two a week before your foot explodes before my toe gets i need to avoid gout i know we've been around here yeah it's hot king henry I know. Yeah. It's hot. King Henry. Keto, vegan, vegetarian, calorie smart, protein plus meal options. If you're mourning the loss of a wife and you haven't processed it yet, Factor is perfect for you.

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Get Factor. James, we're going to get you some Factor. Yeah, I think we'd enjoy Factor. I don't know if they deliver to my area, surely. Yeah, that war zone. Yes, the Midwest is young and restless. You think the rules

only exist to be broken? Yeah, why else are there rules? To obey? To guide you to obey. The only obey that I do is the giant Andre. I don't understand.

Shepard Fairey. Shepard Fairey. Are we talking about the obey shirt? Which is what they've done into the church. Oh, is that Andre the Giant on the shirt?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never knew that. Well, see, you come to America, you learn stuff. That's a really great look. Because it's the Rowdy Roddy Piper sunglasses with the word Obey. Do you know what I'm talking about? They live. They live.

Yeah, yeah. And Andre the Giant. What a great... I didn't know that. Yeah, that was... We're big Andre the Giant guys on this pod. Oh, I mean, he's a big guy. He is, yeah.

Was he bigger than the big show? Yeah. I think he was 7'4 big guy. He is, yeah. Was he bigger than the big show? Yeah. I think he was 7'4". Yeah. Andre was the biggest. Ever. So good in The Princess Bride. Yeah, yeah.

He could barely move. He could barely move in that film. He was in a lot of pain, yeah. You know the scene where he catches the woman? Yeah. They had to put her on ropes because he couldn't physically lift her off the ground. All 120 pounds of her frail frame. I mean, my ears were in pain trying to understand that accent.

All what? All of us. All of us. Move. That's such a good scene. Yeah. Move. I love that.

That should be. That's a flawless picture. There's nothing I would change about that movie. Some people don't like it, and it makes me mad, because they try to say, this is what they say, I didn't watch it as a kid,

and it's a kid's movie. It's like, no, no, no. I watched it as a kid and enjoyed it. Watch it as an adult, also enjoy it. Which is the hallmark of a great film. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a classic. Yeah, I'm surprised when people reject it.

Also, why were these fucking people looking for more from a fucking movie? I keep thinking of Steve Vanderplug, and I don't want to falsely accuse. I can't quit thinking of Vanderplug. But I understand that some people are very enthusiastic about The Princess Bride, and revulsion of them could... The same way I feel about polyamorous people having met some bad ones, and then casting the whole thing into...

Yeah, throw it all in the trash. It's like, no, no, no. I can see that about Prince of Wales perfect I hear people saying negative things about it's a wonderful life but I never saw they say it's like a hokey or something right it is it's the darkest most beautiful film I've ever seen. It's for people who can't watch Death of a Salesman without having a night terror. That's what it's for.

I mean, thank you. It's a six mil. Have you watched the Death of a Salesman with... I've seen one with Kurt Angle. No. Pittsburgh's own, yeah. He stepped out of wrestling, he got clean and he went live doing Death of a Salesman

on Broadway You're fucking with me Welcome to the world of illusion It's me, Satan I've created a world of a dark matrix I found out about the trick early on Suck it

Suck it That'd be. Suck it. Suck it. Suck it? That'd be funny. Meet Satan. Suck it, Satan! Suck it, Satan! Then you hit him with a stone-cold stunner and he turns to dust.

Yeah, it is. What's that, Paul? That's the suck it. Oh, it is the suck it. Crotch chop. Yeah, it is the crotch. It's interesting. Crotch chop.

Yeah. And three in a row, right? It's not a cross. It's like an X. It's not a cross. An X is a cross. It's a St. Paul. The horizontal bar of a cross isn't in the middle of the vertical

axis. It's up above. Obviously there's a funky 90s skew like wearing a hat to this guy. Unless Jesus was like me and smushed, then you could have the cross bar along the middle. So the X cross is, I think it's the Saint. I think it's Saint Peter or Paul.

I'm very hung up. I like Saint Vitus. But he was upside down, and that was done in an X. Because he didn't want to be killed the same way as Christ. Wasn't burying someone upside down like very... He was asking to be degraded. So the whole world can kiss my ass. He wanted to do something worse.

Oh, no, that's... That was Paul Lind. Well, you know Jimmy Savile? Of course. Big fan. He was buried on a slight angle on a cliff, I think, overlooking the ocean so that he'd be able to see the sea. Wow.

Yes. I think it's also pointing at a children's hospital. God. He was a good man. That was a rough one. I'll go ahead and say it. I think he was bad. It was a rough documentary, especially because and say it i think he was bad it was a rough documentary especially because like you were saying earlier uh so many so many people i think you were talking

about david boy everybody loved him yeah so he was and he did a lot of good publicly you know like he was at those children's hospitals and and places under the guise of caring for underserved you know people that's rough, man. Just fucking... That's why I'm worried about John Cena because he's all out there just fucking granting make-a-wishes. A lot of make-a-wish. And his only wish is that they lock the doors.

It's a cage match. They die right after he leaves, so they can't say anything. No one with that amount of testosterone could be attracted to a child. That's a very good point. He would have to fuck a woolly mammoth. It is always the fey and brittle.

Yes. Who are the pedophiles? I've got a real pedophilic spindly arms big belly. Gacy. Gacy.

Gacy was a wad. Dahmer was hot. He didn't like children. Dahmer wasn't hot. This whole Dahmer fucking retcon doesn't work for me. He's rugged.

He's thin. Thin does not mean hot. I know that an R perverted mind cut. You want to come back home with him? Yeah. I got people to come back home for me. He's rugged. He's thin. Thin does not mean hot. I know that in our perverted mind cut... He got people to come back home with him. Yeah, I got people to come back home with me. I often crashed at people's houses.

Yeah, people let him in. A stranger. All the time. You slept your way around to find a bed for the night. 100%. We shared a bed in a house,

a punk house, and our whole thing was like, we got to get out and get heads. We don't have to sleep in the bed. I heard someone told me that at our homeless shelter but you know you know some sometimes women will just have sex with someone to have a place to stay and yeah i mean i think we've all we've all done that in our time haven't we oh yeah oh yeah we were talking about the uh our paramours before we met the loves of our lives, and you were saying that you had avoided

the short-haired subset for a while. Then I told you that I made a fucking meal of it. Hold on, I don't remember this. You have to... Remember at breakfast? Yeah, in the open mic scene coming up, and with the edgy alternate comedy thing, yes, with a few exceptions.

Right. I did... Lar I did largely I was sufficiently shy to not have made the mistake of fucking my way through comedy scenes

oh I never banged comics but I'm saying that I did gorge on the short-haired women oh yeah look they were all I mean a lot of the

girls that I dated turned out to be lesbians shortly thereafter they were lesbians before for sure and sometimes during

but um yeah on your birthday just it's the joy of being a man boobed creature as you can please everybody come in feast upon me i never i never bahamut i wouldn't fuck how about that how about that? Baja men? Yeah. Now we're doing it. Get that dog out and let him out. Drop him.

The show last night when you mentioned the Cleveland wolfing, you could not put those dogs back in the cage. No, no. They refused to be in the kennel. I had to put them all down.

Yeah, you were a little stern with the wolfers. Oh, yeah. You have to be because they want that they want they want to have their hand bit when they put it towards your mouth when they ask for a shoey in australia this part of the country that wants to be told to fuck off oh the shoey that was the biggest issue with doing stand-up in australia was how much they demanded the if you say no they will respect you more drinking out of a boot yeah yeah okay i remember hearing about that yeah what about uh shit that just reminded me of something what oh you told

this about uh when a comic often goes long sticky feet say they have sticky feet i like i like that i was like hearing slang that i don't know about dude i loved it when i heard sticky feet i would like was laughing about it for a while i didn't know that was one, I loved it. When I heard Sticky Feet, I was laughing about it for a while. I didn't know that was one of ours. Yeah, it's one of yours. That's great. Yeah, didn't make it over here, of course. Other than Bluey,

nothing will enter the culture. Is Bluey one of yours? Of course. You do a joke about Bluey. What's your Bluey guy? Oh, I just say how when Sam and I were in Dublin and London, I lost my phone right away. And so for the whole trip,

I was like a seven-year-old and Sam was my dad because every day before we left to go on our adventures, I'd have to be like, what time is it? Do I need a jacket today?

Let me watch Bluey on your phone. And that is not a euphemism for porn. I want to watch that little blue fuck. So yeah, that's been doing well.

I've done that a couple times, two of the three shows. It's very humbling to have to be a child again i'm carless in steubenville yeah so i had to ask everyone for lifts and help and and it's uh they've been very good about it it's a wonderful americans love helping a charming foreigner yes and you guys are the most charming because your accent is everyone's favorite and it's far enough away that it's not we don't have a big... I think what's nice is we're not threatening to you

because we don't have a geographically located diaspora. Right, yeah. But if there are a lot of Australians and they lived in, I don't know, Queens, people very soon would go,

these fucking Australians. Yeah. They wouldn't sound like that, obviously. We'd come up with something mean. Yeah, we'd come up with something... you don't even have a slur for us right and you guys don't work that hard you're not stealing our jobs we'd love a slur yeah I know you guys do

we've been giving slurs to everyone else just so someone will give one to the white Australian well yeah we call you zonkers no you've made that up no I would never live in a world of deception. You'd love to have Satan behind you,

pounding away while fishhooking you. He already is, and my duty is to endure that until I get to die. So do you fear that Satan's going to come for you? Satan is coming for me all the time. Isn't that a bit narcissistic? To think that Satan, the Lord of Lies, is after you, James, in your secondhand sweater?

Well, in the... I mean, it's sort of comforting to think that the Dark Lord is pursuing everybody equally. Yeah. Because that's a reflection of the fact that God loves us all, and he wants us all to live in him. Get off of me.

Get off of me, you false prophet. Priest fucked me. I am. You apostate. You're probably a hot kid. You think I'm lying? You're probably a really beautiful, sensual child, and you shouldn't have dressed so uncharitable.

He did. He had frosted tips. I came up against a pedophile priest when I was in high school. He didn't touch me. That's going to make you feel unwanted. He touched others. No, I felt lucky. And I was dating a girl who went to that church.

I didn't go to that church. But when I was dating this young woman, I went on uh a retreat you know a couple days of of get together and it involved a one-on-one like talk with this guy and he was creepy and old and i just kind of you know said i i went to a church with my mom and like liked that church or whatever so i was like like, yeah, I'm not going to come over here to the Catholic church just yet, but I'm real happy with Lisa. And then I found out later that a guy I went to high school with was one of his victims.

It was awful. Look, I'm sorry for making you laugh. I had a manic episode, and one of the big – Yes, he did. Yeah, Sam knew about it. I was there. He was climbing trees like a panda. One of the big things was like –

He was like a drop bear. I wanted justice for these victims. I mean, it certainly happened a lot. And maybe some of it was made up. No, no, no. There's a real problem. It's so awful. Yeah.

And obviously, it wouldn't have just, you know, it's not like I just have it out for the Catholic offenders. I wish they all could get rounded up. I wish those Methodist priests to be executed also. no, I want those Methodist reputations to be executed also. Yeah, I'm at war with capital G God. And not even all just the religious ones. Those regular old pedos, we had something. The unregulated pedos are the worst. Instead of just putting them in a box where they get just fucked and killed.

I don't know. I don't know that that's the answer either, right? I mean, I don't know. That's not getting rid of them. I had this uh it's not eliminating the problem when i was when i was dealing with drug addicts and schizophrenics face to face on the bus i had maybe the more i don't know warm tender-hearted version of that which is can we lock can we lock these people up somewhere nice some more nice can we can we get them in a reasonable bed or something? And I tried to find a monastery for this man in

Pittsburgh and they weren't taking anybody because it's all just been outsourced to awful homeless shelters. I'll tell you something. This is something he told me. I told you before. But he said, I don't want to go back there. These guys come in at the end of the day. They stink so

bad. then they put on cologne that's two smells I was really not supposed to be a throw rug used to cover up a spot on the floor I mean that you see it you see you feel in America a lot because I mean both criminals and people who need help and they're either so hopelessly locked away or not. Just, I want that tender middle locked away. Yeah, God forbid we have a little... Trying to help people.

Yeah, a little sensible... A little compassion, empathy. And, you know, people act like throwing money at the issue is coddling or it would increase. And it's like, no, no, no. It would, you know, most people don't want to be in that situation. They want more freedom than that. Living in a group home is better than being on the streets,

but it comes with its own problems and headaches. So if they have that as the base, the foundation, then they're more likely to get out of there than if they're continued. It's the whole hierarchy of needs. Having shelter allows you to then pursue a little higher up the pyramid Of old Maslow

You majored in Maslow over there at UNR I studied under Dr. Maslow's Granddaughter Zoe Zoe Maslow You can throw money at it But you get a diminishing return eventually It has to be love

It has to be you loving and helping people. And you have to teach them how to love themselves, honestly. That's the answer. Sometimes people love themselves a little too much. Yeah, I know. You were loving yourself in that hotel room. Shush now, shush, shush, shush. There wasn't another person in the room other than our Lord.

He's everywhere. Well, the issue with pedophilia is not only that it's the most terrific crime, but everyone agrees that it is revolting. So no one cares. No one cares if they can figure out how to get better. You want them included in the plus? I do not want them. I do not.

I totally agree that to commit that crime against any child, anyone vulnerable, but especially a child, to misuse the trust of that is repugnant. And it's so abhorrent that people just totally write them off. And I'm also in that camp. That's the issue, is I don't have any empathy for the pedophiles.

We need to give them a nice neighborhood. Not the most posh area in town. We need to know where it is. Yeah, a nice neighborhood. They need to have trackers in them. Where they have child-sized dolls and, in the future, robots. I don't believe in these child cum extraction machines that you're planning on designing.

You can't beat it out of them. I don't think that's the name. We're not going to go with child cum extraction. You can't beat it out of them and they can't beat it out of themselves solitarily with a robot. Oh, yeah. That would be the compromise.

Allow them to be aspirational. Chastity is achievable for all people. Chastity is achievable for all people. No, it's not. Chastity is achievable. We're animals. For all people. I mean, I've achieved chastity. It's a beautiful thing. Not anymore.

Your precious Satan, he's in favor of the child sex. I'll tell you that. He doesn't just draw the line there. I don't think that's true. I don't think Satan likes exploiting the vulnerable. Oh, yes. Satan really cares for the vulnerable. I think he draws lines.

He wants to look after them. Oh, sure. Well, I mean, what? There's not a lot of room for him in the Satan church. The Church of Satan doesn't open arms to pedophiles in skirts and blouses. I think it shows that they should return to their roots. They need a reformation in the satanic church to get back to the one true Satanism. Satan bought pool tables for the kids, ski ball.

He lets them have a good time. He lets them smoke every now and then, you know? He lets them smoke on purpose to build trust so they won't tell their parents all the secrets. I don't think Satan's fucking any kids. He's busy. He can fuck adult monsters. He can fuck Pol Pot if he wants to. Well, Pol Pot obviously gets to go to heaven.

He was trying to build a non-spectacle world. What a beautiful thing that would be. Was he? He wanted to eradicate glasses? He killed people with glasses. Did you not know this? Because glasses were a sign that you were intellectual. Okay. And he wanted to destroy the intellectuals and have just a pleasant class. Even if you were just like a cross-eyed guy named Augie?

They did not describe this. That's why the killing fields are so bad. They would just come to the town. If you got glasses, bang, you're in the field. Did you not know this about Pol Pot? I would take my glasses off and I would put them behind my back. And I would say, hello, Mr. Pol Pot. I can see. I can see very good. He's not a bad Camb, hello, Mr. Pol Pot. I can see.

I can see very good. He's not a bad Cambodian. No, I do. I see good. I do see good. They're not literate. Well, I don't want to seem smart. I'd say, me see good.

Me see real good, Pol Pot. I call him Pol Pot. Yeah, how dumb is that? Who's a Pol Pot? You think that everyone who has glasses got them from reading too much? Yeah, they came with your degree. I know, and I know.

They were graduation president. Man, there was a picture in the office to get my visa in Auckland, but it was an American office, and all these things, and one of the big signs was no glasses in the pictures. And then they had a picture of a guy who looked Cambodian in the anti-glasses pose. But I couldn't take a picture because I didn't want to fuck with my visa and be like,

oh, look at me. I wanted to be very well behaved. But I thought it was dead funny. It is very funny. Why is he Cambodian? Because America opens its doors. You get the government you deserve. Them people should have risen up.

Do something about them. Pulp up know something about him I've been getting into Thai do you know Thai rock and roll get the glasses

into my heart wang bang boogie let the love in start you take the glasses off your head

you get to live you won't wind up dead in a grave. Do not rave. Do not see. You're a slave. Raining blood.

Yeah, dude. You like Sepultura? I don't know Sepultura. You gotta get into Sepultura. You're American now. What's Sepultura? You're a Brazilian speed metal band.

Okay. Yeah. They're good. I've had enough of speed and metal after being on that bus. You were trapped in a speeding metal tube. I was next to a man who was on speed. I told you not to ride the bus. I didn't have a choice.

Well, I know, but you said you could take the train or the bus. I will be catching the bus home. I thought about it and I'd like to sleep in, so I'll take the bus again. You're going to take the bus? I'm going to take the bus. It's only a two-hour ride. And I'm going to try and the bus again. You're going to take the bus? I'm going to take the bus. It's only a two-hour ride. And I'm going to try and do that American. You're going to prostitue on that bus.

I'd prostitue on the bus to that speed, man. A little bit. Not enough. But he wasn't really listening. But I want to do that white American thing of, no, you can't sit here. Excuse me. This is mine.

Sorry. That's good. Yeah, I'm working on it. That's good. Put your bag in the seat next to you. Go to your seat. Say your buddy's coming. My buddy Hank is on his way. He'll be here any minute. My friend

Hank is approaching. I'm saving a seat for my buddy Tom Hank. Hank. Hank Tom. T. Hanks. No, no, no. Don't say that or else I don't want to meet him. Be like, I don't want to tell you who it is, but let's just say he's been cast away.

Let's say he's pretty big. Yeah. Let's just say his son is the coolest rapper. Well, I told you that you should wear big headphones because then they won't bother you. I'm going to wear my headphones even if I don't have the connector to put them in my telephone right now. Because I think 80% of the people on that bus play by prison rules.

So they walk in, they try and find who's the weakest, and then they exploit them for their minutes on their phone. It was my two and a half hours in the Aryan Brotherhood. That's right, dude. Yeah, you didn't have to get the swastika tap,

but I appreciate you committing to the bit. Did you go to New Zealand or did you just send the bus? New Zealand. A New Zealand. No, I did not. I don't know why I have that song

in my head lots of Maori in Maori's in gangs sometimes get the swastika so you see quite a lot of swastikas on

Pacifica because it's just the most badass sign makes people afraid yeah that's why I have Calvin peeing on Samoa

tattooed on my back to let them know that I'm with the movement now that to me would be the scariest tattoo to have oh yeah because if Samoan sort that would they would rip it off my back and then you know I don't like that who knew I can't do Samoan hold on yeah oh oh oh oh oh oh oh yeah I just start talking like the

earth like Mondo. Moana. Where are we at on this? We have to do an ad read at some point. We should do the ad read. We will, but I don't have it. My phone's recording. Hey, if I open my legs, light comes out.

Isn't that cool? Whoa, look, you have the light of the Lord inside of you, bro. The sun is shining out of my ass. Wow. Now, I will say this. We've had a lot of fun with your belief system, but you being in America means that we accept and appreciate your antiquated...

It's more coded SOS. You do. You do. Yeah, you really do. We accept all, man. The strippers backstage at Kill Tony were really... Someone said, this guy's a conservative Catholic. And they were like, that's so good.

I thought, this is a different culture. Yeah. Strippers back in my country, when people tell them that, they don't love it. Well, yeah, because they don't speak English. They wouldn't know what you mean. Me too. Yeah, they're all from Myanmar.

Yes, there's a, you know what you don't have as much is the handjob parlours on the street, the Asian. No, we don't. Penal masses. No, but you know what? If you walk through most alleyways in any major city, you'll see a sign. I'm sure there are.

Up on a, you'll see like a hand. Don major city, you'll see a sign up on a... You'll see like a hand-crafted sign up on a telephone pole that'll say massage, and it's a phone number. Well, for a good time call. I don't like a hand job, so I've never been... A hand job, hand job. Do be a hand job. You get the lotion into your palm.

You pay 20 bucks, and won't take too long She spits on her other hand She's doing double duty and it makes you a man Another guy in the room Do not worry, he's coming too Pulled pot I thought after hand you were going to be with You Can't Finish So She Rubs It In, the Mamma Rigland.

Oh, hey, all right. I like that too. Sorry, yeah. I love Mamma Rigland. I kind of got selfish there, but I wanted to finish the couple. When you went with the balm, what did you say? You said palm. Palm.

I was worried for you for having a palm rhyme. I had no idea what you could possibly go with. This man's painted himself into a corner. Well, tomorrow's Palm Sunday, and you're going to have the room by yourself. It hasn't even been lent yet. Let me read this real quick. Okay, I think we have two this week. I got one.

You know our listenership has gone up 61% in the last 30 days? No. Yeah. It's about to come right back down. No way. People love James. They were stoked last night. Oh, yeah, yeah.

You were a pleasant surprise for several fans. I'm going to make a moment of sincerity in this. You're very funny. And I think that any listener out there would be lucky to have you at the comedy show. Oh, no, I appreciate that. Yeah yeah you smoked lond lond came out and was like hi crikey who was that guy shane does it a lot shane does a lot of fuzzy gear off the top yeah yeah it's uh and it's nice to be able to do that i look i appreciate that you've actually you gave me a lot of help today with gigs i can reach out to. I'm,

look, I'll do, I'll just, I'll do an ad for myself. I'm unemployed in America and I have no money. So, Classic immigrant story. Happy to do comedy for work.

Came over here begging to get on the dole with his three kids, with his half white wife. Yeah. Sorry. James Donald Forbes,

McCann, catamaran plan. Yeah. Listen so I can feed my fam. And you're selling merch on there, right? About to launch the merch. Yeah. Mystery merch.

I'm excited about that. You told me a bunch of great ideas for what you're going to ship out. A couple of beans. A saucepan. Sock. Whoa. You put that barf. I'm going to put that in a jar.

Exactly. Sound like bathwater. Lund. So yeah, James McCann. You can find barf. I'm going to put that in a jar. Exactly. It's like bathwater. Lund. So yeah, James McCann. You can find him online. Yeah. Do you want to plug your socials? At JDF McCann.

James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. At now, all digital platforms. That whole thing. All right. Good luck. Good luck. It's good for SEO because you have to type in 12 words. And one of them is a word we don't have here. luck It's good for SEO

Because you have to type in 12 words And one of them is a word we don't have here So that's good Catamaran? Forbes Oh yeah You got Scots don't you? Yeah

Listen to that They're here for you Finally the police of Cleveland doing something Yeah Well you don't want to know What the police of Cleveland are typically doing I'm told that they're very racially violent Oh god

They murder Get them down the club What? To murder on stage To kill I understand typically doing. I'm told that they're very racially violent. Oh, God. They murder. Get them down the club. What? To murder on stage. I understand. James, shut up so I can read this. Let me tell you about Beyond Blue. I don't know if I agree with this, but it says going number two isn't always the greatest.

What? It's true. Sometimes I go to a restroom and it's a non-restful experience. Sometimes you're on the bus. There's a guy on speed knocking on the door. Now, James, you were telling us that you had some kind of insight on the American toilet system. That's what I call the government. I love the government. I love this country.

I love going number two. I told James in the hallway because he said that he had to go, what do you say, take the Duke to the ball? I don't know. Take a shit. Right. Yes. But I was saying that it's one to the ball? I don't know. Take a shit. Right, yes. But I was saying that it's one of the few pleasures

that everyone's allowed. Yeah, I mean, I guess sometimes it's not always literally the greatest. Overall, it's cool. Someone with a colostomy bag listening right now

going, oh, hell. Oh, hell. It's not always the greatest. No, what sucks is wiping. Yeah, that's right. Only we can eliminate wiping. Maybe you, or maybe you've had some Taco Bell with a little too much fire sauce.

Yeah, maybe. Yeah, imagine. But whatever the situation. I like my hot sauce with a side of burrito, if you know what I mean. Oh, yeah. Well, and then you pay for it. Okay. And then you're praying to Satan to take the pain away.

Don't pray to Satan. You don't have to beg to him like you do Yahweh. I'll be good. He just helps. But whatever the situation, the Tushiba Day is going to save your ass. It gives you a fresh stream of water, the same water that's in your sink or shower, to clean up your butt after you go. Thank God it's not just fucking poisonous groundwater.

It's not the sewer. No, it's not going from the sewer. It's not brown water going into your brown hole. It's your neighbor's dirty diaper rash. Tushiba Day. Blast it into your hole. Not just for the gay. No. Get it in your neighbors dirty diaper rash. She but they blasted not just for the gay. No, get it in your asshole today. That's good. Yeah,

do it to the camera. What do you quit video podcast? That's why we're up and Adam. Yeah, that's why I'm barely visible. Well, my I started getting sick of sitting up. My legs were getting tired sleepy. I was cutting off tired. They're getting sleepy.

I was cutting off circulation because of my big belly. What a world is underneath that blanket. I have had several great experiences with the Toshiba Day, including at your new pub. You're unlisted. Jesus Christ.

You're unlisted off the grid. Shut up. Compound. Two edits now? No, I'm kidding. But yeah, it is great. It saves you from using a bunch of toilet paper every time. You don't have to get as many butt wipes involved.

The only issue is you don't get to eat the TP as you're going for it. Well, no, you have more TP to eat. Oh, good point. Exactly. Not use toilet paper, but do you ever munch on any toilet paper when you were a child? No, no, no have more TP to eat. Oh, good point. Yeah, exactly. Did you ever eat toilet paper? Not use toilet paper, but did you ever munch on any toilet paper when you were a child? No, recently, no, no, no.

No, but as a boy? When you were a kid. I don't remember anything from my childhood. Giraffe. It was all the ripes. Good call. It's crazy that you had to get jumped into the church. Yeah, you got to get fucked in or fight in.

The Tushy Bidet has been a revolution in our home. Oh? We're fighting over the downstairs toilet now. My wife and I. Middle Eastern toilets, Middle Eastern politics. That's right. Yeah, well, she is from Dearborn. Also, Emmy has been fucking posting today.

Yeah. Have you seen her stories? No. She has chosen a side in Israel-Palestine. Well, given the haircut and the age, I'm guessing it's Palestine. Hey, she's a doctor, though. She goes against you because she believes in science, not witchcraft and magic. She goes against a lot of good things.

I liked her so much. I know. She likes you a lot, too. We really get along. We had a nice time together. That night really cemented, I want to be friends with this guy. This guy's a blast. You did that bread chunk?

Your bread jokes were amazing. In America, I'm struggling to make it work because you don't have the same bread. I've got to change that. I do have to change the words because $6 bread. The prices are different and also all the bread sucks. Well, here's the thing. You know what you don't have to stress is... Oh, my asshole.

Yeah, it's pissing me off because you already did. Not only will you feel way cleaner throughout the day, thanks to Tushy, but they're going to save you some serious money, Sam. Dinero. A typical Tushy user

goes through 75% less toilet paper on average. And God knows that most of my budget is toilet paper. Yeah, you're going to have rent money again. You're not going to be paying on the 7th and pissing off the property management. You're going to be on the right side of history. Just replete with TP.

And yeah, it's great for your wallet and the environment. You're saving trees from being turned into butt wipes. And every Tushy bidet comes with a 30-day hassle-free return and a 12-month warranty. And hey, you know the easiest way to get a Tushy bidet? with a 30-day hassle-free return and a 12-month warranty warranty and hey you know the easiest way to get a tushy bidet is to have a very successful podcast they send them to you for christmas yeah it's the best i can't wait to get home and sit on the toilet all day and night until my feet go numb as if i have some kind of neuropic nerve pain hey i Hey, I can't wait. I'm excited to have my own. I can't wait to go in the toilet as soon as we're done. Yeah.

Dibs. I'm going to go in our room. I'm good. But let me say this. I want to sit on you all day, all day. And never have to wipe. Because of Tushy.

Works out the kinks. Yeah. Get that fresh out of the shower feeling at hellotushy.com for a limited time chubby behemoth listeners get 10 off your entire order when you use the code chubby at checkout that's 10 off your order at h-e-l-l-o-t-u-s-h-y.com with promo code chubby it's time to back that ass up with confidence. Did they put that in there?

Yeah. You did just freestyle that? I did not freestyle that. Do we have another one? I don't think so. I think we have another one. I think we have a secret another one. I'll check after this.

But hey, you know what you do have to check? You have to check out our Patreon, everyone. Patreon.com slash Shubby Behemoth gives you so much value for your $5 investment. And then if you want to get even further into the chubbosphere. Don 20 bucks a month lund will send you something in the mail i actually won't yes you will yes you will no i'm over it so we're gonna get rid of that so don't sign up we can't we literally can and will we're almost at a thousand patreon subscribers which is really cool it's really great it's been neat to have have. I remember back in the day when we had like 12, and it was like, what are we doing?

Maybe we should join the military. Right, yeah. And now. I'm going to get my teaching degree. Uncle Sam can suck my ass because we are almost to the big time. That's right. I love our veterans. And if you want to see the big time,

you want to see me do a new exciting 45 to 50 about. It's not for everyone uh two women last night i was told yeah they one of them said i didn't sign up for this what when how long into the set during about 12 minutes in when i launched into the abortion chunk uh which is i avoided the show rightfully named yeah um did they leave? Yeah, they left. They walked out. And you heard them. Someone told me after the show. Some kid came up and he's like, I loved it.

You were unaware. Sam T, you're walking bitches. They were barking like dogs. Dog people. Hey, look, if you're out there, if you come to the show, maybe come to a show in West Nyack or at Magoobies

or at Desert Ridge Improv in Phoenix, Vancouver, maybe Bloomington if they'll give me more money. Come out to those shows, everyone. SamTalent.com's got all the tickets. James, will you be begging stage time for many of your allies? Oh, yes. I'm opening for Matt McCusker, I think, in Nashville and Pittsburgh. That rules.

He's a great man. Great man. One of the best hangs I've ever hung. Dude, McCusker, I think, in Nashville and Pittsburgh. That rules. He's a great man. Great man. One of the best hangs I've ever hung. Dude, McCusker is the best. And the new comedy's great. Yeah, buy James' book. Buy my book, Sam Talent. Wrote a book.

Nathan? Where's your book? Where's your book? No book. Read 1984 by George Orwell. Do you know he was anti-condom? There is another one. anti-condom? There is another one. Anti-condom?

Yeah, he has a great book called Keep the Aspidistra Flying, which is more or less a whole novel about how awful condoms are. Really? Yeah. What's Aspidistra? It's a kind of plant popular with the British working classes. The main character is a poet poet and he just fucking hates people and their small-minded, stupid,

espadrille. Well, well, well. Oh, well. Well, well, well. I do want to say this. Here at Cherry Behemoth, we validate all belief systems and we're very glad to be able

to have this open and honest dialogue. Oh my goodness, I certainly don't do that. Hold on. I just want to say it's been nice to able to have this open and honest dialogue. Hold on. I just want to say it's been nice to honor and have this open and honest dialogue with a traveler, a free spirit, a renegade,

a iconoclast, James Donald Forbes McCann, America's newest resident and we're grateful to have him. It's great to be here. Thank you for having me on. I pray for you both. He's the newest part of America. He's been here two and a half months. Thank you for having me on. I'll pray for you both discreetly alone in my room later on. He's the newest part of America. He's been here two and a half months.

You think nobody else has gotten in since then? I don't know if you know what's happening at the border right now, but you've got lots of beautiful new Americans. We're buying a giant stop sign for the southern border. You've got to ask them, please stop. And then underneath it says, collaborate and listen. Well, the issue is we keep putting stop up there, and they don't speak English.

Yeah, it should say alto, which means tall, which is weird. It's a complex culture. And you're just another thread in the rich tapestry that is America. I saw what a seatbelt is called in Spanish on this bus because they had it there as well. What is it? It's like Centurion. Yeah, belt. Yep.

So nice. Thank you for listening. Join our fucking Patreon. Join the Patreon, please. Bye.