Chubby Behemoth - Dad Was A Squirrel

Episode Date: January 14, 2024

BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week Sam tells the boys about his current butt situation. Sam’s also cooking a real Mulligan Stew. Nathan tells us about his Dr.-Patient relationship. Sam spots a real sex guy. Nathan reveals what Sam’s army would do to takeover. Sam explains how to pull a fat guy crime.    Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth    Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

Seems like I got to 10 seconds. It's going good now. All right. So this is a very special episode. Becker is still on as producer, but he has been relegated to microphone-less status. He's on probation. Silent partner.

He's been contributing too much, and we've been listening to the feedback. So this is definitely not because our super producer, Becker, doesn't have a third mic cable. This is because we're punishing him for past transgressions. Still wanted to be on camera. I want him on camera. That was my request.

What am I going to do? He's going to sit over there and stare at a screen, not knowing what's going on on the screen. We're watching the NFL playoffs. This is all ones and zeros to him. There's no cars. Yeah, there's no cars. The cars aren't smoking.

To identify with it. Yeah. Why aren't these guys in cars right now? Wait, are these guys bagel bites or do I give a shit? These guys aren't pizza rolls? Then I don't care. So yeah, Becker, if if we need you we will pitch to you and then one of us will relinquish our control of the microphone but you were telling me you feel

really bad about not being on mic right yes i feel horrible somebody has absconded with both my microphone and my mic cable and left me a shittier mic yes that person's zach moss it's 100 zach moss who is a malevolent hippie who was a former battle rapper uh i think that his rap name when he lived in south dakota was like cowboy executioner he had like four he kept like he was like oh they brought the game brought me back uh-huh under a new name and then it's like, oh, the game brought me back under a new name. And then it's like, yeah, back to the drawing board. I don't know. The problem is my name.

I need a good MC name. Yeah. And so he kept switching it up. I'm going to go with Head Wound Banana Bread. No. So I was literally going to say DJ Banana Bread Head Wound. I fucked it up uh yeah no so when he was uh up there stealing valor from blacks in south dakota his big plan was to uh get close enough to becker to steal our prize third xlr cable and becker showed up here uh and he said hey sam do you have an xlr cable

and i don't think i rolled my eyes visually but in my head i was like why would i ever have one i'm a drummer becker as you know that i take acoustic performance of percussion and rhythm to the max and i've never needed the aid of any kind of electronics to uh bring that rhythm to the big block you know there's an argument that a comedian could have their own mic but then you also hope and trust that that'll be taken care of by someone other than you the talent there's a argument and it's a weak argument oh yeah it wasn't it wasn't like something i thought for sure was gonna happen i just knew there wasn't gonna be an xlr cable between trinidad and here yeah when you took the the dusty navajo trail all the way over here in your wagon train people

from the nearby villages would clamor to see the moving horse without feet we want to hear the voice of the moon when the sun is in the sky. I didn't do the voice. I'm not doing a voice. You're Mr. Ezo. You can do it. That is the acoustics of this corrugated shed that I live inside of. It makes the voice come out like this. And now

the voice has moved from what was traditionally upsetting to a new thing that no one can really define. This sounds like a space pirate would talk in a movie set in the year 2100 so no one can be mad at me helen mirren for uber eats dame helen mirren wants you to have a cold beer and snacks on demand dame helen mirren has never watched an nfl game she's not a dame she is you're thinking of judy dench no i'm always thinking of judy dench but isn't she's not

she's not a dame i don't think so she's a she's a fucking skirt she's a dizzy broad if you ask me yeah that's what the queen should have done we call her non-dudes uh yeah the dickless few dude-less dude minus uh yeah i don't have legs if you remember sam's instagram story from chicago but i do i don't have legs i'm full fdr over here legless not dude-less but i am legless well i've never seen your penis it's alleged thank god i would love to have that i hope you never see my penis i really want to know what's in there i've never seen yours i've seen your butt way too much you've seen mine there's been a new development on my butt a bit oh yeah you're lotioning and oiling and lotioning and oiling you're like wendy peppercorn yeah you're Specs, and you can't wait to kiss my hole.

What a squint. Yeah, you're going to trick me into thinking you're drowning, so I have to give you butt-to-mouth resuscitation. Warm up my face. Yeah. Yeah, so Becker,

you know where the butt starts at the top, and you, having some of the broadest hips I've ever seen, and thank God you wore your chic pants because you're fresh from dubai you came in swinging that donk and i was like emmy stay upstairs the boys are about to have a little rough house down here

what you clocked his dong right away no not his dong i clocked his rump oh the butt his his juicy backside yeah i called it a donk um short for badonkadonk of course but yeah uh i don't remember what the fuck i was talking about oh my ass your new butt development yes breaking news breaking nudes that's a new section on here where i'm we're just gonna post nudes of our chapped asses i have uh the cyst at the top as long-time listeners will know it stinks it's gross when it ruptures it is i mean i should be in the hague for the chemical warfare that i perpetrated and you know when it's the worst is when i have a swimsuit on yeah i get the swimsuit and it gets all wet and it's like oh cool we're finally uh moist and then when it dries out the desert clay cracks and the oil erupts and uh daniel plainview dances in it yeah texas tea yeah then you gotta strap strap mama to the top of the truck so you can get her to

beverly hills uh so now there's a and i there's a there's a strange rash from the top of my crack as deep as i am let emmy get to the hole it could go all the way to the center of the earth uh but i don't think it does and the other night emmy came home from you know 15 hours of hospital labor and she asked me so okay i'll start at the top of the crack the cyst erupted in the bed night one here so like breaking a bottle of champagne on a new ship we had to christen the sheep the maiden voyage of your of your ass cancer. It's not cancerous for now. So, yeah, I got into bed the first night, and I guess I woke up, and there was a mighty stain on the sheets from where the widow wept for her past,

her lost lover, you know, just a Catholic bride watching the ship take off for old New York. She's waving. Yeah, so my butt ruptured and emmy emmy you know she told me oh it looks like your sis popped in your sleep and i was like no a horse gave birth in this bed a mobster is sending me a message i just don't know where the horse head is it's got to be somewhere because of all of this blood and pus and horse hair that's just the the placenta that the wolves didn't eat i let them in to clean up so she's like your sister ruptured so then she checked out my crack

she checked out the cyst and saw that the crack had a new development and it's just this long thin line. We'll probably post the picture on the Patreon. No? This is supposed to entice people into joining the Patreon. Come see my body development. Yeah, they want the cyst and the crack and the... Oh, yeah. The wrist and the back.

Not whole. No whole. Not unless the Broncos win the Super Bowl. Stay tuned. Let's ride. It looks like I was rode hard and put up wet. Because it's just red down there. And I was like, I don't want you looking.

She was like, can you spread your cheeks? And I was like, of course not. That's not what we're doing. Never. And she said, flip over and spread them. And I said, yes, sir. And I did. And she investigated.

So now we have to lube it up with Aquaphor, which I'm going to need one of your help for that. Nope. Nose goes. Oh, fuck. I just farted. So that'll be fun for everyone. You felt it.

Yes, I felt it in my thigh. I felt it. Wow. See, that's that big wet ass of yours, just jiggling whenever there's rhythm. There was a kid in my high school, a big fat kid named Aaron Richter, and whenever he would walk around,

we'd say, whoa, the Richter scale, because he was such a fat guy. Damn. Yep. But yeah, so that's what's going on with my butt now. My butt just has this crease in it. it this is no it looks like origami would you guys like to see it no not right now there's a picture that emily offered and i said no i'd rather have some coffee and have a nice morning yeah but that would have woken you up for sure i don't i don't need to be more awake i woke up i did a good job on my own i told emily that my crack just looks like most of your body

nathan yeah i get dry oh and i i burned my fucking hand earlier on purpose because it itches it's dry and it itches and it is soothing to burn it with hot water yeah i know but where then it dries it out further down here in the sink in the toilet after you used it no well i was gonna say my butt's doing great because of uh the bidet down here uh uh keeping it wet and then uh not having to use a bunch of tp to to finish the job for your bunghole yeah is that accurate that's right i the less i used to wipe the more i can put my mouth and chew i'm you turned me on to it and it's a good move it's good this isn't even a zen this is just a little tp from the night before i've had my lip tucked away you're getting weaned off of the tp you're down to

a little 1 16th of a square there's nothing wrong with eating toilet paper it's just wood pulp you didn't even eat it you would chew it up i definitely gutted a couple batches spit it out okay but i mean of course it was fun to do the fruit by the foot with it and just eat it right off the roll oh yeah shout out to whoever posted that we could not think of the show with the facts of life that was the one with the the women the young women and then the matriarch that ran a home or something i don't remember the keyboard detectives got to the bottom didn't watch that one a ton thank god these sleuths have put their minds to that of course building the perfect mail bomb of course I remembered the name Tootie because it's funny.

But that wasn't a big one. Joe, yeah, was cute. And Butch. Yeah, Joe was hot. And then there was Hatchetface. The other two were pigged out. Not really Butch, but they portrayed her as... She wore like a denim vest once. And you were like, yeah.

Oh, Flacco throwing up the prayer. And that is a Texans touchdown. Maybe. Oh, my God. What a big day for football. Texans are rolling. We're going to Cleveland next week. They're going to be pissed.

We're going to get curb stomped. Oh, that game's on Saturday. Fuck. What? We're not going to have a show. We'll have to compete with NFL football, playoff football. Yeah, we're Tex gonna we're not gonna have a show we'll have to compete with nfl football playoff football yeah we're texans fans today boys but uh yeah joe was hot i mean that really set the not that joe was a big part of why i'm attracted to uh women who look like they just

beat cancer but it's definitely the end of ghostbusters one. That was huge. Are you a god? And then Nell was the first tits I saw on a big screen. And she was a feral woman who lived in the woods and was unwashed. That explains one of your partners. For sure. 100%. To a T. To a Sam T.

Yeah. Yeah, dude. Nice. She was a little squirrel woman but here's here's her dad was a squirrel yeah and her mom was nuts yes hey a clean butt is a clear it leads to a clear mind clean butt clear mind can't lose your butt is corrugated like our backdrop yeah my butt looks like this tin and it was also hung by a sioux woman you guys lucked out because this is nice and i'll bet a lot of these places are not very welcoming oh down here in stinktown a lot of the options that you would have had yeah would have been like

yeah ignore it that blood is is over 100 years old. It won't come out. Blood's actually a historical landmark. That's ancestral blood, so we aren't allowed to clean it up. So you're just going to have to work around it. No, before you ask, my husband's cyst did not pop. That's not what that is. My wife, Emily's down there smelling it.

She's like, I know this smell. I've smelt enough abortions to know what it smells like. Yeah. Yeah, this is nice down here. It's beautiful. I'm so grateful for this home. We have this fireplace over here. I have a decently sized TV.

And then I got that PS5 over there. And boys, I got to tell you, if I could be a polygamist, that'd be my second bride. I got about 24 hours this week already on Spider-Man 2. Oh, yeah, dude. I think I already got like 45% done with it already. I don't think you are. It's got to be massive. So there's no way that you're just kicking that much ass and not dicking around.

You're not just dicking around swinging i'm swinging a lot dude that was a swing and a miss no no that one hit that was a direct bullseye and the issue is though there's aquaphor mixed in with the natural juices there's a slurry a brewing down there i'm cooking up a real mulligan stew it's all the ingredients and i've been eating bowl dinner i've been back on the vegan shit so man what's coming out of me is ancient there's like wood carvings dropping out of my ass you're a sober vegan petroglyphs i'm a sober vegan who quit smoking but today smoker yeah who are you i don't know i don't even know who i am comedian me and lund had

a very like a sincere conversation about sobriety moving forward and it's like i like i like the i don't think that i wasn't like a compulsive drunk i was a compulsive fat guy so i wanted to drink 12 light beers because it was a constant little hamster wheel flow of carbohydrates over the evening. And, of course, there was a bit of a tiny buzz, but let's be honest. When you've been pounding half a case for about 20 years, that buzz is not pronounced at all. Which is kind of what you want. Like the three-beer buzz when you don't drink a lot is a nice warm buzz. So that is kind of what you're achieving.

But, yeah calories later a lot more volume yeah you got a fucking 15 year old girl zima buzz i want to i'm good that's weed yeah dude put in your head get in there becker try we becker you still get rewarded for your good deeds i thought it was one of those tobacco machines he's off eggs i think i have pouch i think i have like 30 days almost of non-inhaling which rips yeah but the zins are going down smooth i have not fallen asleep with one in yet but it's just a matter of time yeah law of averages oh yeah i was gonna say i think a big part of um drinking or and smoking when you're out is something to do with your hands something that occupies

some amount of your time that isn't like in your head is like oh i'll go get a beer i'll hold the beer i'll drink it oh when i'm done with it i'll go outside and have a cigarette like a lot of it is um habit and something just like an activity an event and that's why sometimes chewing gum or having a toothpick can help just you're still doing something you're still getting a piece of gum out or fingering a toothpick for a while and it can kind of i don't know yeah i'm gonna i have a switchblade now and i'm gonna start picking my teeth comb your hair oh yeah it's not a comb it's an actual switch blood thanks to jason melton friend of the pod uh i friend of me of the pot no jip melton's our friend yes he is i you know what a cool thing about drinking is too is i remember i remember those old days getting late

no but like it was good because i'd have a bottle of beer in my hand and i'd be trapped in a conversation with someone you know telling me to check out the shadows of the smokestacks at auschwitz to prove that it's fake and i'm like what this is not shit that i know already uh no but anyway i'd be having a conversation i don't really want to have and i would have a beer and i'd be like okay i got like a third of this beer left if i kill it i have an out now i can drink this beer and i gotta get another one and then i'm gone that's the same thing with smoking too with smoking you can be like i'm gonna go have a cig and then they're like can i join you and i'm like no and then i don't smoke i just stand in the corner of

the room on my phone uh-huh texting uh my friends being like where are you come save me uh emmy send me the left one we have phones too phones are a part of that uh social anxiety occupy your hands so that you don't like just twiddle your thumbs and uh some people are oh wow flaco's done flaco's tired he's sundowning he's almost 39 and he doesn't know where he is he's 39 years old he's two years younger than your old wrinkled ass yeah you're old the chapped folds of your body need aquaphor that's what we're doing after this episode is, Becker, you're going to search us for stripes. Yeah. Spread them. Uh-huh.

Ugh. Let Emmy know. Just let her take a gander. Emily and I have a very specific doctor-patient relationship where certain things are off. She is your doctor. Yes, but she's never going to see my bathing suit area. Really? No, it's not fair to her or me it's it's awesome to think that that would happen though no it's too weird she can take care of

any other parts of my body and then you know uh call in some help for the rest you're gonna never nude your doctor she didn't ultrasound my nads that was a young asian woman you had a you had a foreigner come in to check your parts not when you had the hyundai dealership was in the room you got a ford no she got me the referral to a place where i got the ultrasound it so emily didn't do it yeah i know but she was like hey i got a guy who's too gross for me to look at i gotta send him your way i've seen it his whole body is like a cyst that just ruptured yeah so my husband has one red stripe he's he's like a jamaican guy trying to t total but uh this guy over here's got the whole 12 pack we just saw megan and i looked somebody up oh there's a that picture of robert patrick and eddie furlong just uh was shared they

both look bad. Okay, you're calling him Eddie. Like you guys play pool together on Wednesdays. He went by Eddie, I think, for some amount of time. He was Ed. Sir Edward Furlong. Dame Edward Furlong. Sir Edward of Furlong.

Yeah. I'd prefer if it was Edward Footlong. And Robert Patrick. He just had a huge one. Robert Patrick has a tattoo of what we think is a red stripe beer. Think about this edward furlong is like look i look disgusting i know i look like i just washed ashore but check this out i'm changing my last name to edward footlong and then in every picture

it's on subway every picture that the tmz tries to get of him looking like a scab man he just whips his dick out and holds it it's's just this massive thing. Then they can't publish the pictures. It's a foot long? It's a foot long. Oh, my God. You thought I was talking about a sandwich tie-in. No. Yeah, Subway.

I'm saying he's got a fucking ore digger. He's just got a massive organ. Edward, Edward, you're coming out of Wendy's at 3 a.m. It's not even open. And he's like, am I? He just chokes up on his man bat and makes it throb and they're like oh fuck he beat us at our own game hi i'm edward of furlong is this recording for subway sandwiches hi i've never diddled a kid i was diddled as a child and yes hurt people hurt people

arnold schwarzenegger i'm breaking the cycle ar. Arnold Schwarzenegger raped me in character as the Terminator. He showed up completely nude wearing sunglasses. Covered in goo. Give me your butt. Give me your innocence. Isn't that his first line is like boots. He like asked the guy for his boots. Yeah.

I think he says give me your jacket and give me your jacket and give me your jacket if you want to come give me your foot long edward it's me jamaican arnold schwarzenegger as the dominator crazy that the where's he from austria yeah the austrian colonialism of jamaica made them all sound like schwarzenegger that's nuts i think they're just big fans of commando in particular big fans of going commando so they can let their edward footlong swing yeah there's a guy who plays for the cleveland browns named uh ninjoku and i think that he would just rip my wife in half like tissue paper yeah he's like the horniest guy alive.

He's right there. That's Sam. He thinks he's a sex guy because he has earrings? That was one of your... I saw him shirtless. That was one of your things. He has a lot of earrings. And he looked like an honest monument. He's a sex guy. Yeah. He's gotta be a big sex guy. Look at those earrings.

That's so shirtless. I did. That's all the evidence you need. I saw him shirtless. He had a bunch those earrings. I did. Yeah, that's all the evidence you need. I saw him shirtless. He had a bunch of earrings. Half of his braids are bleached. He's a good looking guy. I just thought about how much I would hate if he ever punished my wife.

Loud. Dr. T. Medicine woman. If she was like, hey, I'm a Browns fan, I'd be like, we're moving to Siberia. Damn, nobody's going to be a Browns fan after tonight. My undies'm a Browns fan. I'd be like, we're moving to Siberia. Damn, nobody's going to be a Browns fan after tonight. My undies are a Browns fan. Brown and red and yellow. There's a Hooverville of hobos just standing around the old fire.

That's him. He just dropped the ball. Look at him. Look at that guy. Man, he is just sex personified. He is. I guess you what do you think who is it for you that you look at anybody anybody and think uh yeah he's a big sex guy i for sure i i think i thought i texted you about it no i texted andrew polk just like, God, Njoku. I bet it was Polk. He's trouble in the sack.

He's hooked. He's hooked on Tang. He can't get enough. Look at him. It's all he thinks about. That's why he dropped that pass. He was like, I could be getting sucked right now. Oh, he caught it because he's like, hey, it's almost time to get sucked.

Yeah. In 15 minutes and 24 seconds, I can get glorped. If I keep dropping passes, I'm not going to get sucked ever again. Yeah. He's got an incentive clause. Uh-huh. To get gonked. He wants to get gone down on. I want to get gone down on.

Well, it's like Wayne Gretzky's not a sex guy. Joe Flacco's not a sex guy. Oh, come on, Flacco. He's 6'6". He's getting laid. He's 6'6". he's 39 years old if i don't anything about men over 39 it's that they don't have sex with anyone no thank you right yeah lun maybe you and ninjoku should hang out i don't want to be like stella got her groove i don't want to be a sex guy ever again i've been a sex guy it's fun i'm over it's it's fine that i'm i've

closed that chapter of my life who's just like dressing you and unbuttoning like one extra button on your shirt and he's like come with me if you want to come or he just says come with me come on me no i don't i don't think that he would be into uh the fellas he could be on the down low there's a rich history of down low in the nfl well and you get if you're a big sex guy then everything starts to be on the table i think oh yeah not for everybody obviously but uh no for everyone the more the more that you dabble in those waters the more likely you go into the deep end where there's a bunch of dicks.

There's a bunch of dicks and you can't swim. A bunch of footlongs. Edward. Edward Furlong. You're in a lake and you're like, oh, it's so placid. Then you hear ripples and you're like, what's over there?

And then you look and in the distance, instead of a shark fin, it's the tip of his dick and it's six inches out of the water. You're like, no, Edward Furlong's here. Oh, crap. Oh, that's that's the worst it can get for sure. And then you hear another ripple and you look over and you just see the glistening of earrings.

And you're like, Ninjoku. No. I'm about to get spit roasted. See is this a hawaiian birth ceremony what's happening oh man also um shout out to the guy who paid two thousand dollars for the original painting of the cover of my book from richard ingersoll that's cool i have his name he is don't publicize it it'll cause coffee cats yeah don't say his name people are gonna start fucking trying to buy shit off of you they're gonna buy you that cyst cysteine sheets like how much how much for the sheets that's one of one he already did it's like no there's several it's not it's one of one. He already did. It's like, no, there's several.

It's one of ten ruined bed sheets. Well, yeah, I mean, Becker, there's this guy, Big Willie Soul, out in the Carolinas who wants to buy that Go Bananas Sam T hoodie. He's offered me some pretty sweet trades and cash money, and I think I'm going gonna bestow it to you i'm gonna give it to you um as a goodbye gift because you're no longer allowed to speak on the pod uh i told lund earlier that i think that i could really mobilize an army of willing men and uh oh yeah women oh yeah i said my bidding the first thing I thought of was that if Sam was trying to get paid by a venue

or got done dirty by a certain club or just anywhere where he did a show and he needed to get revenge, he'd be like, all right, we're going to organize a shit-in. And he'd have like 80 dudes just go somewhere and sit and then crap their pants and pop their cysts. Just be hell on earth. The place has to sell the funny go under suffered a coordinated attack when 80 disgusting fucks pop their cysts in unison during the noon magic matinee on Sunday.

Yeah, you could take down. Yeah, he would just take over. Yeah, they'd have to buy all new seats. They would have to. Yeah, it would be condemned. They'd need an old priest and a young priest. They'd have to do a straight up exorcism in there. they'd have to do a straight up exorcism in there the only way

that we get rid of the smell is to make a worse smell get me ninjoku then ninjoku comes in there and just bangs all the wads you must do it for god alright that's the only way I'll go gay if it's for the Lord above.

Yeah, I mean, I just think that we're close to a thousand Patreon members, which is weird because we have 3.6 monthly listeners, 3.6 million. That'd be nuts. That would be cray-cray in a good way. I think that, you know what, I just realized what the crack in my veneer, the red wound is from, is from being in that chair at least for 24 hours seated. That's what I've been up to. Because right now, the way that my butt flesh is pushed up,

I'm really putting them on the glass. But the glass is the inside of these battered sweatpants. Oh, God. Becker, for $100, will you put these sweatpants on your head and breathe through your nose so that we can hear you? No. My eyes already itch after you farted twice. I'm sure I'd have pink eye or conjunctivitis

if I put your pants on my head that's because i rattled the walls this corrugated shed yeah that's gonna help uh the acoustics when it comes to your butt my burps i haven't burped i know whoa i'm well aware that you haven't burped yeah well it sucks because usually i jinxed it i would prefer if you didn't burp when i have headphones in my ears yeah i can hear the gut rattling screams of all of your chicken tender victims veggie tender oh man i got duped man yeah they're at safeway at safeway there's that whole froze little freezer section of non meat of plant-based meat alternatives and i go in there and i have a few things that i get regularly and i've been trying random other shit to see because some of

it's too expensive or whatever so i'm trying to figure out my next moves and i think that i'm getting this uh fake chicken nuggets that are on sale and when i ring them up they're not on sale and i was like well that's annoying and then i get home and fire them up in the air fryer and i look at the box and i'm like god damn it they're actual chicken what were they doing in that fucking frit you know and you can't say it was an accident because that's one of the classic fat lies no it's not a lie i know you've seen them in there because they have like cauliflower breading or some shit no it's not a lie i know you seen them in there because they have like cauliflower breading or some shit no it's not like healthy breading and it came in like a white bag no it's white chicken meat tenders and regular breading and i don't know why they were in the fucking fake meat section it was annoying well probably because you were subconsciously not in the fake meat section and you just followed your heart and your gut to your safe space in the

grocery store i know where i'm supposed to go to try to fucking stay in people that you're the gout god uh that's the thing though is like if you're a big fat guy and you come home and they do fuck up your order and like give you an extra sandwich and you put that big bag of sonic on the table and your your wife's like oh okay so we got we each got a grilled chili cheeseburger right and you're like yeah one each and then oh my god they gave us another one they gave us an extra and she's like give me your credit card statements right now i Has that happened? No, I'm just saying that like I've definitely been in a situation where you do get extra food

and then the person doesn't believe that it was on accident. No, you just order an extra burger because you wanted to eat an extra burger, but you knew that I would yell at you if you got the extra burger. So now you've coordinated this very clever ruse, Decepticon. i don't ever

had them i don't do that no i don't do that either but i've had to be in the situation where you do the big bag reveal and there happens to be a fry in there and you're like well i didn't order fries but gotta be such a crime against the impoverished worldwide if we didn't well we if i ate didn't eat them all right now without sharing with you yeah no you're just lying to yourself no i'm not lying to myself this is an organic thing where you go to taco bell and you order four tacos and they give you six because it's closing and they want to get rid of all the trash and then you go home and you're like okay well here's my one mexican pizza oh and there's a whole crunch wrap supreme in here what the hell and emmy's like i'm staying at my sister's house don't follow me don't i'm turning off i'm turning off find my

iphone yeah i'm no longer sharing location i'm catching a one-way flight to Cleveland. No! Injoku! Yeah, me and David Ninjoku are going to a Terminator 2 convention. No! No! They're going to tear that shit up! Footlong's going to be there!

David Ninjoku just texted me and said that he's got a new friend named Eddie. My God. david ninjoku just texted me and said that he's got a new friend named eddie my god where do we keep the shotgun in this house because i'm gonna have dessert you're gonna have an extra fucking bullet yeah shotgun. Shotguns have shells. I mean, I don't want to get divorced ever. That's my thing. So then you just put it on the fast food place. Oh, man, they hooked it up.

It's like, get the fuck out of here. No, I mean, that is like a thing that it's definitely happened to me. And you wish it happened every time, but it doesn't. Well, I don't get a lot of fast food all the time. Especially not down here. You just have Sonic. That's nuts. And dude, if I told you, Becker, I'm on my stranger, like weird drifter walking around town shit right now.

No, nice though. That's been my whole move is I've been out on big walks every day here. And I wear these purple sweatpants. These purple sweatpants are probably actually spreading the virus these these are the incubator because these are my quote cozies these are like i have like one suitcase worth of clothes here everything else is in the pod and uh yeah so these are i've been in these bad boys for a while but i just kind of like walk around town and my dad gave me a detachable hood.

It looks like a balaclava. It's the face mask ninja move. As Emmy calls them, a Walla Habibi. Walla Habibi, baby. Walla Habibi, baby. And let's take it from the top, baby. Let me get a donut kabob. Oh, come on.

Oh, that's... I have to put that back into a donut. Come on. Oh, come on. Oh, that's. I have to put that back into a bag and then bring it to my house where my wife lives. Oh, no. No. Give it a whiff. No. Good thing we're doing another bond. Does it stink?

He grossed himself out. I saw it. he gave it a whiff and it hit him hard it was a hard-hitting whiff well it's just like when you think you're smart and then you do some the dumbest thing alive which is fart into your own microphone and i'm in contact with uh with these pants which i've already told you have about a week's worth of farts and these are like legit farts from bowl dinner you know these vegan farts that i've just been like really cracking off at top speed but anyway i walk around town i drift with my face mask on in my pants and uh i gotta say here in town the wildest community but also the most active community is that the the people who go to sonic without cars yeah the people who hit sonic on foot

have nothing going on the foot clan yeah they've got all the time in the world and they lurk there and they all have like weird shop i mean they I mean, they're probably methamphetamine users, but they're there all the time. I see them on my walk. And that's the part of this town that I really want to become a part of. That's the subclass that I want to ingrain myself in because I can't go to the tavern here because I'm not drinking. I almost want to show up a man in purple sweatpants

in order of Shirley Temple. Who's this man we've never seen in this community of probably less than 2,000? I don't know, but he's ringing Shirley Temple. What is he, a friend of Furlong? They do this. But yeah, man, I've tried to eavesdrop on them, but it's tough because I'm not eating meat. There's Singletary touchdown, bro.

Now we just need Cooper to get a fucking touchdown. If Flacco can throw it to Cooper instead of a Texan safety, that would be great. I need an Njoku touchdown. There's Flacco. There's fucking old worn out piece of shit Joe Flacco. We're going to take him behind the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame tonight and fucking paint his brains in the stars you suck joe come on cooper your old chap that would

be huge if cooper can get one uh otherwise all nine of my bets won't hit because i'm an idiot but anyway uh i i so i i want to i get a tater tot and i lurk there and uh man some of the shit that i've heard them say there's all these churches in town there's always a band like i think some of them are abandoned and they were just talking about how uh it was very easy to get into the baptist church and then one of the guys went of course. Which I think is racist somehow. Yeah, Baptists can often be black communities. Southern Baptists especially. But yeah, Baptists can skew a little darker shade of pale. I thought it was a, it's a Ninjoku situation.

I think so, yeah. Southern Baptists, Baptists. Ninjoku is that beautiful he's beautiful beautiful man as i've said sex guy but his skin color is like that absolute black that they developed in the laboratory so they can make microchips vanta yeah is that wrong vanta black's the name of it i'm just saying one is that incorrect i'm not trying to be i'm not being nasty that dark i don't know i'm appreciating dude this was did i tell you guys about this at the fucking sleepover that we had in the mountains for new year's eve we're all sitting around the table uh me my sister mel emily david

bory david bory's girlfriend brian sullivan brian sullivan's girlfriend. And someone said that Mel was light-skinned. Not me, of course. Yes, you're going to stay out of that one. Yeah. I say, oh, another round of drinks, fellas? Probably, I think it was Emily. Detroit versus everybody. And Mel was like, I'm not light-skinned.

She's light-skinned. And he pointed at Brian Sullivan's girlfriend who had said two words since she got there the day before. And boy, was she pissed. Boy, did she sour from getting called light-skinned. Oh, yeah. It's a crazy situation in the community. Yeah, I mean, maybe don't call it crazy it is a thing i mean come on i'm not being nasty i'm just saying that it's a stay out of it drop it

drop it you got purple pants on you're not ready i feel like i might be ready and joku's gonna have a bunch of time you know to come find you these next couple months. Yeah, I know. They're about to get bounced. I'm a fan of Ninjoku. I bet a lot of money on him to score a touchdown today. Yeah. You know?

His work, I profit from. I like that, you know? There's nothing wrong with that historically. That's right. Yeah, no. Tell him to shut up and play football. You know, there's nothing wrong with that historically, but that's right. Yeah. No. Tell him to shut up and play football. But instead of referring to like political statements, you mean stop texting my wife.

Shut up and play football. Stop calling Emily. Please. How'd you get her number? You can have anybody. There's another guy who Emily would really have a nice time with, Tyreek Hill. Now, Mahomes, I bet he give the dick weak. Know what I'm saying?

God, shut up. What? Give Becker your mic. You're feeling yourself. You're too high as hell. It still smells funny. We got him, Lund. Gross.

I forgot. I was doing racist voice just to set Becker up to smell my mic. I was not setting you up. I wasn't trying to play chess. I just wanted to stop doing the voice. It's one of many voices that I'm capable of, but it's the only one that I felt safe to reveal here. There you go.

Very nice. So yeah, what else did you hear from the Sonic people? At least then you're quoting a different white racist instead of your own OG status. Well, we're going to go to the Sonic in between episodes here. That's right. And I'm going to get a slush with ice cream in it.

And I think there's going to be like a green chili cheeseburger in the bag randomly i mean they they hooked me up they're fans of the pot you're vegan yeah i know and i want to be vegan every day of the week except for football sunday when i just want to eat a fucking turtle stuffed with a goat. I want to eat like a fucking Dutch prince that started here in Rocky Ford. It did. Well, we don't really give where I live. We already have. No and it's a small town. You'll find

him. Yeah, I'm the man. I'm laying around in purple pants. You know what he drives? Yeah, it's a four block radius. So you're gonna find run into him. You can get a one of oh yeah i was gonna say these people that are interested in owning your sweatshirt or a painting of your but you know what else is one of one is you your soul so super fans there's only one way to prove that you're the best of the best when it comes to Sam T.

It's to take his life. It's okay. The Zodiac Killer was right. If you kill someone, then they're your slave in the afterlife. So if you want a big old ox of a man to carry around your angel wings when you get tired to get all your gold up the hill to your cabin in the woods. Yeah, well, thank you, Sam. Thank you for advocating for my murder.

Yeah. Any of you psychopaths that are about to break Lincoln Park style. This is your call. Have a shit in here in rocky fort come on man what i live in trinidad come and take it call the cops i'm ready we got a home alone style shit going on to prevent intruders from coming into our place. Oh, man. No, you don't.

That would take too much work. Yeah, no, I'm not going to step on micromachines every day. You're just sitting there with your shirt off and your undies legless, just sitting in front of the door like the Om Shinrikyo leader. You look like that guy. I stay ready. The Japanese death cult guy? leader i don't do i i can't i don't know i don't know what he looks like the tokyo subway attacks becker look him up becker becker go to that go to your phone let's see him look up the leader of omshin rikio and

how much he looks it looks like if one was sleepy i bet he doesn't look as cool as me no he looks cooler than you dude you don't look that cool as me. No, he looks cooler than you, dude. You don't look that cool, though. That's the thing. What about, did you ever think that the dude, fuck, Wild Wild Country, there was that dude, right? He kind of looked like Sharpie, didn't he? You mean the leader of the Hindu cult? Yeah, they weren't Hindu, but yeah, that dude. My dad knows that guy's name because he'll use it as a funny name fuck i i watched that so long ago i can't think of more details but wild wild

country had that yeah like holy figure and he kind of looked like dark sharpie dark sharpie brown brown sharpie yeah no i'm thinking about like sharpie like if he wore sunglasses inside and like happy birthday still smoke cigs brown sharpie yeah we talked to sharpie yesterday shout out to our uh one of our original fans one of our biggest supporters yeah man he was marveling at where we are now compared to all of us in Denver. Where are we going to end up? I'm in a town of 9000. You're in a town of 2500.

Yeah, and we're still doing comedy. Sharpies in LA and does comedy and we're living in the melon patch. We're fucking out in the middle of nowhere colorado and killing out six shows also hey listeners please come to fucking cleveland uh that's not not this weekend that's next weekend that's a big room it's a big old room this weekend is my first uh initial look look dude it's lund oh hell yeah he looks cool show the listeners i could get some uh i could get some followers oh yeah that's the thing i think me and tim butterly just need to start some kind of cult for uh dudes who don't want to be wads anymore i think we could really

fucking take over this country just have like sleeper cell units of uh well-meaning dudes who liked come town too much you know what i mean break the cycle i've been sitting down here man just smoking this hash pen zinnin playing fucking ps5 and listening to old come down on youtube that's what i've been doing for the last week dude i've never been happier i mean my wedding day was great the birth of my niece awesome my mom's funeral of course it's up there but man it's feelings though yeah finally mommy can't determine how my feelings are dude i cannot wait for fucking nudes to leak of serena williams and i will i will report them online without looking of course is what i mean but look at those things is there any she's

got them yeah but is there any hope for that is is there i'm an optimist all right is that rumors or you just you're just putting that out saying that there's no way that she hasn't sent her with like a whole tube of tennis balls pressed between her tits. Probably to David Ninjoku. Being like, hey, David, there's not a man out there who can get all of it. So come scrape the bottom of the bowl, big man. Yeah. What? This is how sex guys talk.

Yeah, it sucks. I don't like it. What do you got? Do you have it? He's looking at Z1075's website. No way. Trying to enter a contest. Come on.

Come on. No. Oh, she might have done one of those body nude covers for like Sports Illustrated, but it's not like they would be dumped. No nipple, no furlong. I'll tell you what. Oh, my God. Yeah, we would have to pause this podcast

as I went to one of the eight bedrooms in this house and gratified myself all over your phone. Oh, man, it was so funny to see the bunk beds in your master bedroom. It's so crazy. Airbnb, like, yeah, this place is big. People could sleep here. You know, put a normal, put a sane number of beds in here.

Don't have bunk beds in the main bedroom and act like that is the way anybody would want to live for more than one night. Well, if you have kids, though. But still, you don't here's that here's that here's why there's bunk beds in that bedroom they're both pyro or one's a pyro one's a potential school shooter so they want to keep them under lock and key no i don't i don't care get them out of there no no that's one idea but i'm saying you got the whole family in here right it's the thanksgiving getaway to the melon patch uh you got mom and dad you got the whole family in here, right? It's the Thanksgiving getaway to the melon patch. You got mom and dad. You got your two kids.

You got Uncle Jerry, who's just been walking around town in his purple sweatpants. You haven't seen him in a while, but he drifted back. He pulled up to Sonic to get the kids some grilled cheeseburgers. And who's there but Uncle Jerry?

And he's like, what are you doing in town? And it's like, well, we rounded up the whole family. Mom and dad are there. Do you want to come see your parents for the first time in 12 years i sure do so he pushes the shopping cart across the train tracks and he comes in and then he's just in here you don't want your kids just out loose when uncle jerry's in the house okay you know what i mean yeah i guess because you know what he's been doing in the melon patch he's been going full sultry he's uh he's building an ant colony as we call it you know what he's been doing in the melon patch. He's been going full suture.

He's building an ant colony, as we call it. You know what that means, Becker? That's when you put a hole in a watermelon, you let it rot for a couple of days so it gets soft and optimal and the rind kind of feels like a woman's butt. And then you go out there under the full moon and you pound the shit out of it. Then you come back a couple days and there's just an active trail of

ants who are living off your seed and the juice of the melon that's what we call building an ant colony all right that's what we call it it's an active community we're online oh fucking mills is in the game stroud is out so yeah you don't want uncle jerry making an ant colony of uh of your sweet kids yeah i guess it's just fucking ridiculous to me because it did say it sleeps 45 okay yeah i'm sure everybody's gonna be nice and comfortable and cozy oh yeah when they have like a piece of cardboard that says bed on it and then like a little stack of fast food napkins for pillows yeah and you're like and that's not true here it is nice but it's just greedy to be like it sleeps 27 so it that's why it's 400 a night like fuck off it sleeps 27

or one sam one emmy one lund i like to spread out yeah i texted you this morning you up and you said yes i'm somewhere in the house and i told him did let's go find him did you get scared no dude but becker think of this i'm in here it's 2 a.m i have spider vision all i am is a man floating through old queens all right that hallway over there has a motion sensor light so as you know i play in here with the lights off full dark full nudity i'm just sitting here legs crossed on the couch oh yeah oh yeah uh-huh you're fully nude and you wonder why well that makes me think that there's something wrong with the chair or the couch well if your butt has turned into you know dying tissue and the only new thing i do have neck fash in my crack and so anyway, I'm sitting here, and that light, when Emmy will come down, it'll come on. And I'm like, okay, well, it's Emily, so of course everything's fine.

But if she's asleep upstairs and that light comes on, I'm going to pass away of fear. You're going to have a one-man shit-in. We're going to be protesting. You're going to be prolapsing. When he comes down. She's like, why did you shit the couch? I'm practicing. I'm practicing for the revolution.

We're going to take the power back. Yeah. Me and the boys are about to meet up at Cincinnati Skyline Chili, and I'm going to get my coupons worth. This coupon does not have a date on it. How dare you turn me down for extra extra cheese i'm sorry sir but uh this was just a uh bangles win a football game you get extra cheese the next day boys let's show them how we do it cleveland style

and then just a bunch of wads come in through every... It's kind of like when a two-toed... What was the bad guy's name in... What is it? Breaking Bad? Breaking Bad. Tuco was a guy. Tuco would come in and they would go in every entrance, you know, and intimidate all the people in the chicken man's restaurant.

That's what I'm talking about. We go full Pollo Germano in there. And the boys just come in. And I'm like, all right, you don't want to give me the extra extra cheese? Splash them, boys. Then they get me for like terrorism,

you know, because that's what's going to happen. That's where this is going. Do we have an ad on this episode nice all right well hey shout out to tushy for sending us those fucking bidets we haven't gotten them yet but it's funny that there was already one here because uh yeah it's nice to hadn't had one since speaking of zach moss you know he and brett hiker got uh uh very nice bidets that have

like all kinds of different settings and shit and uh that was my first taste of the bidet life and it'll be nice to be able to go back to it you were tasting the bidet no tasting the life you taste the life you taste the uh confidence and the i mean god we gotta get some water up your ass so that you stop dying down there well it's currently cocked with aquaphor it's like i got a fucking tattoo in my crack i gotta keep it fresh i wonder if people get crack tattoos oh yeah you know they do oh and what if it's gross oh i bet it's never gross it's like you're hi i'd like a juggle i'd like the hatchet man on my crack i was like oh good i can't wait to see what's in there it would be funny if you got it and it looked like uh it was it's like a

little tongue coming out just on your cheek and then you're like you open your butt and it's a man's mouth. It's like one of those hot rod rat drawings, rat things coming. You've got rat fink in your butt and you're like it's feeding time. You make your butt talk to your potential lover. Yeah, it's a venom venom's tongue. It's like three quarters of your butt cheek square footage man venom bro he's fucking scary and you get venom powers about 40 the way through this game oh great you can splat a guy to the wall uh you can swing around if i talk about spider-man 2 for 35 more seconds this is a tax write-off.

Yeah, and also you get a swing all over New York. I mean, you just feel like Andy Warhol. So it's as good as the first one, but better because of the graphics. It's better than the first one. You have two different Spider-Men. And they have two different combat systems. I gotta get one.

Yeah. I gotta get the five. I'm sick of the four. The four's garbage. If you guys want Lund to get the five. I'm sick of the four. The four is garbage. If you guys want Lund to get a PS5, please join our Patreon. Patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth gets you so much great shit. I don't need y'all.

Get on there. But no, please support the Patreon. Don't say don't join. I don't need y'all. Let's neg them. We got to neg them like in Joku. It results in more tang. I said neg. don't try to paint me into a corner bitch no way i feel themselves now i enunciate i need a marie cooper to get a

fucking touchdown come on yo this sucks uh yeah change the subject prank call uh yeah join that fucking page because uh when we hit a thousand becker have you've been Yeah, change the subject. Prank call. Yeah, join that fucking page because when we hit 1,000, Becker, have you been thinking about what we'll do to celebrate you getting, us getting to 1,000 Patreon members? Breakfast pizza. Ooh, I will eat the breakfast pizza again. There he is.

I would do that. That's better than relapsing and also more scary right now. Yeah. Yesterday before I headed out and I asked about trying to grab the SD card from you, when you said you were at Walmart, I asked Sam, what do you think the odds are? He's thinking about getting another breakfast pizza. Not even close. I was just there for, I needed Claritin because my allergies are killing me

even though nothing's alive. I thought you said you were going to say that I needed Claritin because my allergies are killing me even though nothing's alive. I thought you said you were going to say that I needed clarity. And you just go there to clear your head. You just walk the aisles. It's a nice place to walk when it's cold. But yeah, my allergies are going fucking haywire. Megan too. That sucks.

It doesn't make sense. Everything's buried under snow. Now tell the folks at home who Megan is. There's nothing rotting. Everything's bent off the trees. It pisses me off it makes me so angry it doesn't make sense it proves that god is not real mother nature is a lie uh megan is my wife and if you want to get coffee from her email her at the address mutiny

on main street at gmail.com they They have a few different types of fresh roasted beans that you can get from her. So hit her up. And with every bag, she sends a picture of her rack. Put an H in that, Megan. Isn't that what you're saying? This is not a no H situation. No, there's no rack.

I think if you buy a bag off her, you get a nude. There's just beans, and I'm not talking about a little clit. Yeah, it'd be me, dude. Hey, here's what we're going to do. If you buy a bag of coffee off Creech, you can own a picture of my wounded crack. Oh, God. Yeah.

I mean, the Liberty Bell's got nothing on me. The double dip. The darkest of roasts is on your fucking bosom. Oh, no. Your back rack. Oh, man. Your back rack. Man. And come see me in Cleveland.

I'll be with Kreischer next week, and those will be fun pod updates, tell you about what happens out there. We got Cleveland. We've got West Nyack, New York. We've got Magoobies, Vancouver. Go to samtalent.com. Get all those tickets. And now you've had some time to think, Becker.

I think that if we get to 1,000 Patreon members, we will do a video of you eating two Walmart breakfast pizzas. Okay. Okay. I'll do that. That's better than heroin. You don't get to use your hands. Your hands will be duct taped behind your back. You will have a bag over your head.

I will be holding an AK-47 to your temple. And if you don't finish the pizzas in whatever allotted time we choose, I will martyr you. I don't think I could eat two of them. They're very heavy. Well, then you better come up with some kind of prayer system and figure out where you're going to get buried. Because when we get to 1,000 Patreons,

if Becker does not eat both breakfast pizzas, I will kill him live on stream. I like that we got tattoos. And then the next thing is for Becker to eat something that made him sick once. Yeah, this seems all focused on me. What are you going to do? We have to rob a bank or something.

I'm going to hold a gun to your head and hope that you don't eat it all so I can feel something brand new. So I can achieve my ultimate goal, which is becoming God. No, I think that we should probably get your car wrapped. We'll get one of your trucks wrapped. When it'll say like, Becker inside. Becker on board.

No, it'd be funny if inside it was an arrow pointing up to you and it says, this man wears a diaper. Yes, because I'm loading it to my dad until i get a carport built so probably another year fuck i'd love for him to have to drive that driving the car it's just an arrow this man wears a diaper diaper up y'all diaper on board see us in cleveland oh dude i saw okay we'll talk about that in the next episode thank you goodbye oh bye