Chubby Behemoth - Don’t Make Nathan Mad

Episode Date: January 22, 2024

SPONSOR: Support the show & get free breakfast for life at https://www.hellofresh.com/CHUBBYFREE with code CHUBBYFREE BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week Nathan tells us about his trip to Chuck E. Cheese to see the drummer. Sam looks like he is in a jail cell. Nathan reveals why an amusement park in Anaheim didn’t make him angry. Sam teaches us a new trick involving bubbles, tells us about the six sets of taters he saw, and how he had an adult dream. The boys debate hot vs cold water cleaning techniques. Sam attempted to see a country show.    Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth    Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]  

sweet yeah hey so i'm calling from jail i don't know if you can tell but oh damn you got locked up i am locked up and they are using me and abusing me in here they're calling me swiss cheese because all my holes are open doesn't this look like I'm in prison? Yeah, I wish they were pencils. Yeah, it looks like you're about to get food on a tray shoved under the door. It looks like someone bigger than me is going to come and demand the phone. I'm about to be extorted. I'm going to get punked out live on my own podcast. Yep, this is my cell.

That's the toilet back there. It has its own door latin kings yeah i wish i was sponsored by ramen soup i don't have any money you'd be a king no i would not i would be in a pickle, though. It would be tough for me. I meant you would run that place with ramen. Oh, no. I also mean, of course not. That would never happen. I would be on all fours on a leash made out of an extension cord.

I would be being traded around for fucking nerds rope. They wouldn't even get cigarettes for me they'd be trading zins they'd be like all right one for your mouth and one for his hole put it in there it tingles it's fun you would uh yeah you'd probably have some zins so you could be the cool guy first couple days well yeah but then a fucking prison guard would come up and be like what's in your mouth what are you smugglinguggling? And they'd knock all my teeth out. And boy, would the boys be excited about that. That'd make you more popular.

That's like the first thing they do. That's how you would survive. They do that to the bitches. Yeah. And then instead of titanium teeth like Kanye, you would get tungsten teeth, get something magnetized. Yeah. And then they would take my tungsten teeth, pry them out of my head,

sharpen them into a knife, and then hold it to my throat as they sodomized me. I wouldn't do well. What is that room even about? This is an auxiliary room here at the Amarillo Arena. I literally just walked off stage in front of 4,200 people. And you guys might think that this life is glamorous and exciting. But no, you just go back to the room. It's 15 minutes of just like pure bliss. And then here I am trying not to join the aryan brotherhood live on my pod

i know it's gonna upset a lot of our listeners because they're actually you know full patch members but guys i'm a quarter mexican i'd have a tough time i'd have to pick a side uh what how how big is that arena? Probably 4,500? Uh, no, I bet it's like a quarter, because they have to set up the stage at one end of it, so I bet a quarter of it's blocked off, so I bet it fits like 5,500, and typically they have ice hockey in this arena, that's why it exists. Because when I think the Texas Panhandle, I think ice hockey. And they've been through so many mascots. They're currently the

Wranglers. They used to be the Venom. Before that, they were the Omaha Steaks Presents the Bulls. For a while, they were the Sweethearts of the Rodeos. That was their name for a while, they were the sweethearts of the rodeos. That was their name for a while. Oh, boy.

I feel like I just got off stage because I was at Chuck E. Cheese for three hours, and so I'm exhausted. It is the Thunderdome in there. They run border town. Did they let you put on the Chuck E. costume, or did you just have to go in raw? No, but I could not stop laughing, because when we got in there, on the stage is an animatronic band, of course, consisting of Chucky Cheese, a mouse, also... Charles Entertainment Cheese. entertainment cheese that's right also a dinosaur and a duck and a dog wearing a cowboy hat and then on the drums an italian guy it was so fucked

four anthropomorphic animals and then an italian man are you sure it wasn't just a rat because they look very similar oh yeah no they had it what he wasn't chuck and yeah it was just a dude and i posted it was it wait hold on was was it an italian guy costume or was it just an italian guy and uh animatronic italian guy and i posted I posted it to Instagram and like seven comics hit me up asking where is this and I guarantee at least half of them

want to try to come up with a joke about it and it's like hello I'm going to talk about this so back off yeah excuse me but their costume is not a costume. This is my lived experience. It's their culture.

So quit trying to steal valor. Yeah, I never get any engagement or feedback on my stuff. And then all the comics are like, ah, gimme. And it's like, no, get your own nephew, and then this could be your joke. But I got to do something with it. I don't even know it was so funny though why is there just a guy up there let's explore it here on the pod that's why we started this podcast it's kind of like an open mic feedback situation so uh lund

take it from the top what's the bit me and becker will punch it up. No, I don't want to. I don't know what I'm going to do with it. Okay, that's a good start. I'm excited. But what if instead you were like, hey, I got a good story for you guys. Listen up. I just did that, remember? Remember when I explained it and said it?

That's it. What more would I do? Okay. I kind of like the tag, but it's kind of meta. Yeah. Going lock upup crazy. It's on Instagram. Oh, yeah.

It's lock-up raw and uncut. By meta. Meta world peace. There you go. Remember him? Did you have any money on yesterday or today's football games? Hold on. Hold on. That's all we got out of the chuckie cheese

i figured you'd come in hot with a bunch of chuckie cheese stuff i figured we explore for 20 minutes you know did you have a pizza did you lose eli in the ball pit how was the pizza it was mid everything is mid and that's not just what the kids are saying uh disneyland most of the rides pretty mid the food also mid uh and then chucky cheese yeah pretty mid for sure did you see any like alex creasy-esque sexless adults at disneyland i mean yeah there's a bunch of Sims. There's a bunch of Sims at Disneyland and NPCs. You can walk right through them. They don't even count. That's why I didn't get mad there.

I didn't have to get frustrated because I could just walk through most of them, you know, or they would just, like, disappear as soon as I stopped looking at them. And then, you know, I could make my way through the throngs. Also, you speak Sim. You're very fluent in sim how do they talk oh yeah yeah they followed me around uh yeah it's creasy's birthday i wished him a happy birthday is it yeah oh shit all right well you know how I'm going to celebrate? Not fucking my longtime partner. Creasy, I love you, buddy.

You know how I'm going to celebrate? By not having sex with Sarah. That's nice of you. Yeah, she wants it bad. Chuck E. Cheese, we were in Pico Rivera. So lots of Latino and latina families and uh it was a good time uh it was a lot man it was a lot a lot of kids latinos come in they're like oh can i meet a chucky is a chucky a here and uh okay they look Mm-hmm. And they try to look hard, a lot of them. The parents try to look hard.

But they're, like, drinking soda pop and eating pizza and cake. So that was pretty funny. Like, nobody could look tough in there. Yeah. Just getting mad at their soda water. These bubbles have tricked me again. No one sneaks up on me, bubbles. God, okay.

Two Patreons this week. I can do the voice. Because you're in jail? No, that's not how it works. No. No. Not cool. Nuh-uh.

That's what you're... That's what you implied. That wasn't me. Uh-uh. That was... No was no i i can do it because i'm quarter latino you just showed your true colors yeah purple latin kings i'm in i just got the email oh oh congrats man i remember when you sent away you were worried you were going to get put on the wait list for the latin kings i didn't have a lot of extracurriculars, but they liked my interview, and my GPA was low enough. Oh, no.

Gabriela. They don't want you to be good at school. This rat is eye-fucking me, man. We got to go beat up this rat. Javier, that's not a real man. That's a robot. I have said it many times, but, man, having kids, if you do it, God bless you. You said it.

Good luck. Because I would have two guns in my mouth. I wouldn't do my typical thing, which is one gun to the head and one to the penis. They'd both be in my mouth to make sure that I didn't miss the cerebellum or the spinal cord. It is crazy. It's tough. Shout out parents. Yeah, I don't.

I don't. I don't ever want them, man. And if I have one, I'm going to use everything that Emily has taught me about abortions to take it into my own hands. That's why I'm in here. You'd have a hemorrhage in your hands like you were in my own hands. That's why I'm in here. You'd have a hemorrhage in your hands like you were in the band Fuel. Yeah, I would hate to do that to anyone. Be careful, please.

Don't just pull out. Wrap it up. Wear two. And pull out. Have you seen this? Do you know the Japanese treatment for how to get rid of premature ejaculation? No, I don't think so. They dip their penises, their cocks as they call them,

they put them in a cup of like a bubbly or like a LaCroix, like a bubbling water. And they put their penis in. And I guess the bubbles like teach your dick how not to be so sensitive. Where did you hear this? Lies.com? What are you talking about? One of the fellows in the bunk told me. No, I saw something about it i think on reddit about yeah it's like and it's like they put their

peen in a glass and i just made me think like i would have to use a fucking shot glass you know what i mean like when i when i historically got jalapeno juice in the tip of my dick i used a saucer you know what i mean because like when my dick is in jeopardy it shrivels up and it tries to hide it tries to go away and say hey we're not going to have four more weeks of spring you know it goes full groundhog and And I'm Bill Murray looking for it every day. So I just, do you, I wonder if you want to get hard first before you try and desensitize? I mean, what's the move? If there's any Japanese listeners, please let us know. It can't be based in fact.

It's got to be like, it can't do anything, right? Or where there are positive results. It seems like it's been, they've had it since they've been able to put bubbles in water that's like that's why they invented it actually was to try to quit coming so quick damn i'll what if what if you go what if please do what if you what if you dip your wick and then you come in the glass and then your wife walks in and she's like what are you doing fucking that glass of water? And you're like, oh, no, don't tell anyone or I'm going to have to go back on the inside. I'm going to get another trip to county.

You have an open relationship, but your third is a glass of soda water. You're at the club. Yeah. Somebody's like, hey, you mind if I take a sip? Like, whoa, whoa, that's my partner right there. Hey, that's not for drinking. No one kisses my girl but me. Yeah, I am curious if there's any real results that you can get from dipping.

Maybe. I think we should try it. Are they a circumcised culture? No. I don't know. I don't think so. Because I know you lose a lot of your dick sensitivity when you get circumcised.

So I wonder if you're not circumcised, if the bubbles would make more of a difference because you're operating at full sensitivity than it would to like one of us who's trimmed already i feel like and this is just based on data sets that i've seen they don't have a lot to give you know what i mean i feel like you don't want to trim the hedges if they're not very tall you know that's a myth does that makes sense across all colors and creeds there's big ones and there's small ones and there's everything in between so no no there's like there's like

statistics to back this one up i guess indian guys got it the smallest they got it tough over there there's so many of them there's no room i know the big the big dicks get get pushed out of the uh out of the buildings and into the streets and then from the streets to the sewers so they die out if you thought the if you thought the buses were full already just imagine if we had big ones that's right it'd be hell on earth over here. A dozen less people per vehicle. Yeah. The GDP goes down. But there'd be a lot more things to hold onto on that bus.

People would have better balance. Did you guys hear when Chrysler just went on? Could you guys hear that through the concrete walls of my cell? Yeah. I didn't notice. Yeah. It's crazy. I forgot to tell you guys this. Well, let's keep exploring this let's keep mining this vein

it's it is weird that like italian guys who have giant ones they've got you know fucking a whole bag of rigatoni noodles down there they don't circumcise you know but they have the most to give. The Albanians, the Italians, the whole Mediterranean people, they just have historically, for that community, obviously, historically, we know who has the meatiest mallets. But yeah, you'd think that they'd want to do a circ job on that. No, not less is more.

Or I'm so blessed, and then they give their foreskin to somebody in India. If you got it, you hold on to it. Well, I just don't think they need to be greedy. That's all I'm saying. I think they're spiking the football. What were you going to say about Bert? Was it about his penis? Well, hold on. I think there's more to explore

here no we're good i'm i'm full call me an italian because i'm full they do the tops off cam before burt goes on or before i go on or shane goes on it's it opens the show is the tops off cam and they have cameras in the crowd. And they pan around the room. And they get dudes to take their shirts off. And it's a lot of fun because it's a lot of guys who look like Lund. They take their shirts off. They wiggle their bellies around. They chug a full beer.

It's pretty cool. But then every third one is like a hot dude with abs and he does not get the pop that the fat guy does it's been fun to study when a fat guy takes his shirt off people are doing the fucking worm you know just like beach balls appear they're patting him around and then a hot guy takes his shirt off and he has his you know those like those ab muscles that point down to where he should be circumcised if he wasn't from a European beach culture. Well, of course, I was trying to think of something novel to say. And the crowd couldn't give less of a shit. They are quiet.

It's like it's like in San Antonio. It's the equivalent of like if someone held held up a Go Dallas Mavericks. They boo, they throw cans at them. And it's fun to go first because I get to go up there and call it out. But this is something. This is a phenomenon that no one talks about out here on the Fully Loaded Tour. Every now and then, a bold woman will let freedom ring. And I have seen six sets of taters.

Call me Ron White, because I'm making tater salad. And it has... Okay. Guys, the bus is horny. It's me. It's Kreischer. It's Shane Torres. And then it's two young bloods who are Kreischer's assistants.

And last night, I had a dream about my 14-year-old girlfriend. And it was a horny dream. She was an adult in the dream but like she had she had an adult body but in my head i just kept thinking about how i knew her when i was 14 and it was it was kind of complex you know what i mean because she was an adult woman in the dream but in my head, it was like... The perfect crime. It's just cool that your brain gives you an out.

It protects yourself, you know? Legally. Did that come out correctly? Do you know what I'm saying? Yes. Yeah, dreams are nuts. Okay. They're very complicated.

Yes. And this was a girl that I never consummated because we were like 14, but I did. I think I rounded second, and then I hit into a triple play, you know? She was like, what are you thinking? No. And I was like, ah, okay. In the dream? I did go up on this lady.

No, IRL, In my boyhood. My youth. Yeah. But in this dream, I got what I wanted. But she was an adult. How old were you? 14? I was an adult, too.

We were both adults in the dream. That's cool. That would have been cray-cray. If I was a little boy, and I was banging an adult 14-year-old? Hell yeah. Hey, boys, I got some fan fiction. Hold on. I'll be out at the spades table in a minute.

Wait, so you were second tonight? You were after Shane? I was first tonight. Oh, okay. And, hey, when in doubt, when you're in Amarillo, bash El Paso. And it worked like a charm. Oh, yeah, I was going to say Natasha Leggero dumped him out because she followed Kreischer or was on the same show as Kreischer.

So that's cool. Saw a little bit of that online. I knew about that before tmz did i'll tell you what yeah was that was recently obviously she's got them oh yeah it was like i don't know last week but she's got them they're not they're not a bountiful they're not a cornucopia of tit but there's enough to get the job done. You could push them together and not get a paper cut. I've said this before. That's when you were 14?

I'll say, I've said this before. I cannot wait until they can just put a vagina into a woman's chest, and then it's like, hey, we got what we need right here, all above the belly button. Keep your pants on sister am i crazy becker you're nodding you thought about this yeah that could work becker so it's been a morning on the bus okay yes sorry you said before we recorded You got a doctor's appointment coming up, huh? Yeah, I got I'm seeing a GI specialist On Tuesday

And they're going to schedule My biopsy And figure out where all they want to cut Parts of me out They know that they're going to do that? What do you mean? Yeah, they have to do biopsies They got to figure out what's wrong But they don't know Where they're going to do that? What do you mean? Yeah, they have to do biopsies. They've got to figure out what's wrong, but they don't know where they're going to check

or how many different ones they want to take, so we've got to go do a preliminary appointment. So that's fun. Sam, you're horny on the bus. Let's get back on the bus. Yeah. Let's get back on the bus. So here I get off the bus in Old Amarillo, which we got caught up for like four hours overnight because there was like a roadblock

or some militia was trying to reclaim Abilene. I don't know. But we got into, it was like not very good sleep. And then we got in here pretty late and I slept some more and then woke up like halfway through the first game. Wait, did you sleep on the bus or in the arena? What's that? Did you sleep on the bus or in the arena? Slept on the bus.

We sleep on the bus. I know, but you said. And I had the dream about the adult, the adult woman. All right. And I said, fellas, I think I need to take a shower. And they said, but Sam, you're such a big fan of football. Don't you want to watch this game that you woke up halfway through? And I say, no, no, boys, I really got to take care of some business. And I went into the shower in the arena and treated myself to a handful all right into the sink okay what and then i took a shower and i got out and i don't remember if i cleaned up my mess so i get back to the bus

and i think okay that was a mission accomplished, no big deal. I'm sitting there, I'm thinking, no one knows, everyone's playing it cool. And then I start to think, oh, did I clean up my mess? So I say, I left my wallet in the shower, and I went back, and there was no mess, but I'm about 99% sure that I did not clean up the crime scene afterward, which means that whoever set up the green room might have had to scrape my load out of the sink. No, that's not.

I mean, that would be one way to do it. I would imagine, like you, could have done, should have done. You turn on the faucet, and maybe you do a little, you know, you get a little cup, a little hand cup of hot water, and you... No, no, use cold water. Use cold water. Okay. Hot water makes it congeal. No, no. Use cold water. Use cold water. Okay. Hot water makes it congeal.

No, no, no. Always use cold, boys. Cold... Well, cold might make it less sticky and so it would slide down. Correct. Hot would be fine. Hot would melt it. It wouldn't make...

Bro, I'm telling you, based on years of independent research, use cold. I'm five years older than you, so why don't you sit down under the learning tree? Yeah, and you blast into the toilet. Oh, yeah, because I'm smart. You go into the toilet. I'm smart. You're in the sink. No.

And then you don't turn the faucet on because you're so excited to wash your body in the shower. You love showering. You do that like when King Kong is at the top of the building. That's what it looks like when you're jerking off into the toilet. It's just, oh, oh, oh. You're holding on to the tip of the Sears Tower while the other hand's fucking going for eight seconds.

It's crazy. I've seen it. It's fucked. You haven't seen shit. What are you talking about? Oh, I haven't seen shit. You haven't seen me, What are you talking about? Oh, I haven't seen shit. You haven't seen me jacket. That's for sure.

I have. I have. You wish. You're my little rodeo cowboy. That's so nuts that you would. That's how much you hate washing your hands. When you're supposed to be washing your hands, you can turn the faucet on. When you jacket, you don't turn the faucet on

you don't wash your hands when you're done man that is wild that's too much yeah i'm i'm very nervous i'm not going to get asked back for the another week i'm doing on this because they connect the dots because i woke up and definitely mentioned that I had a horny dream and then so they had to know why? because it's good bus convo it's boys being boys you should hear what we say on that bus you'd make Cat Williams blush

that's tough that's tough in that community it's tough to tell well god I guess if there's somebody that you figure would be the one that had to clean it up just see if they don't make eye contact with you then there's your answer if they're you know acting normal and stay in the room when you enter then maybe yeah you actually did clean it up but i'll bet you didn't because you're a real piece of shit. I don't think I did. I don't think I did.

I think I was just so giddy to be clean and empty. You're a jizz monster. And also I was in a hurry to get back to watch football. God damn it. Just saying. I know. And no one's tipping their hand. No one's let me know that they know that I know that they know.

You know? Yeah, well, eventually. What am I, Gary Goldman? Eventually, you will know. If they have it on you, it'll be used. I'm going to. Whoever set up the green room, would that be Bert's staff or venue staff? It is Bert's staff.

It's someone that I've probably eaten dinner with here today. Fuck. Fuck is right. It's going to be Shane and Scrooge. And they're going to probably go on the bus after the show. It's going to be Shane and Scrooge next week. You're done. They're going to be like, did anyone in here brag about being horny when they woke up?

I'll be like, no. I just sent you guys a picture to the group chat. Last night I got off stage and I ate an edible some guy gave me. He said it was 10 and i was so fucking high this is this is a photograph of me uh from last night and becker i know i was high because this guy has an auto body shop and i let him talk for about 40 minutes about fenders and crankshafts and loved it oh i was engaged baby dude his shop looks pretty sick he's got a sick shop he says if i ever need any work done come on down to san antonio he'll take care of me if your car all right car in colorado has any issues drive it 12 hours and i'll help you out yeah toe it on down uh yeah i was so fucking gorked last night i asked my own d with this

edible how much do you think it was 50 i don't know dude but i was fucking zoot suit riot throw back a bottle of beer hey pops let me get another one of those crazy apples i must have had in the green room after the show we were in there for like a half hour i probably had i know i went through one bag of nerds clusters just to my dome and then i ate an entire entire bar of chocolate and then ate like six pork ribs and three servings of macaroni and cheese and all that while this is going on i'm just fucking cracking black can liquid deaths the bubble waters i'm drinking them like i used to drink bud light and then this dude came in there's like there's two venues at where the spurs play there's where the spurs play that's where we did

the show yesterday and then around the corner there's like a rodeo hall and there was a country western star and his name was russell dickerson and he came in and introduced himself to everyone to invite us over to the show and when he said his name was russell i giggled a little bit then he said his name was russell dickerson and i lost it in the corner I threw my hands up and just walked out and everyone was like, all right, I don't know what that was about. And then I had to come back in and they were like, what's so funny? And I was like, I, I'm sorry, man, I'm really high. And you said your name was Russell Dickerson. So like my bad, but it's you, it's on you kind of because you said your name was russell dickerson and you knew that was your name so i don't know let's call it a draw so i blew it with russell

dickerson and then he leaves and we all laugh about it it's cool but he invited us to come over and stand stage side at his fucking show so i'm'm like, all right, let's do it. So we walk over, dude. And I don't know if you guys have ever experienced this, but Shane Torres said it was a normal thing. And it was me, Torres, his two female friends, Bert, and then the two dudes from the bus. And we walk in and I'm in my fucking Spurs sweatsuit you know like i could not be less

dressed up um i look like fucking i'm reading for the role of rob and big you know like they put them together that's what i look like i look i'm black deer deck in this situation and it's a bunch of white tables with white tablecloths and cowboys and cowgirls and those are the only two genders and they're both fucking studded and dutted they're all zooted out they look great and i have to go stand by the stage and the stage is a in the middle of the room and it's slowly spinning it's a revolving stage and we walk in and who's on stage of course russell dickerson so i'm giggly again and he is singing a song like over an acoustic guitar like a love ballad cowboy song and i start laughing again really hard and I can't control myself and I'm like I turn around

I look at Shane I tell him like dude I'm I'm too fucking high to be in this room right now what the fuck is this this looks like a fucking modern day slave auction I've never seen anything like this and he's like it's okay this is how it looks they do this it's a fundraiser and i'm like laughing at him talking and i turn around still laughing and who is eye to eye with me russell dickerson he's made a revolution and he sees it's me again and i'm laughing at him singing a sweet song well at least at least the second time he knew that you were stoned but yeah that is perfect you're just his whole life is a joke to you yeah everything he does is hilarious to me this next song means a lot to me i wrote this song after my wife unfortunately passed away due to leukemia

and so uh my baby i know you're somewhere watching and I just hope that you're having a good time and you're saving a seat for me. Here we go. And then he does the revolution. And then you're just. She's dead. That rules. You're never going to open for Russell Dickerson. I can tell you that much.

That is the truth of the matter right there, brother. And, like, of course, I'm in the way of every waitress because we're standing right next to the revolving stage. So I just keep hearing, you know, and I'm like, oh, lo siento. And then I'm laughing at that. And then the way that I, a little game I like to play, of course, is that I like to pretend like I'm Burt's security.

So people will walk up, and then I'm making Shane's two female companions laugh, because someone will walk up, and I'll put up my hand and be like, all right, come on through. And then I'm approached by a guy, and I do that to him, and he shows me his gun, and he's like, who are you? Like, why are you here? I'm security for the building. So then I have to explain to him that I'm pretending to be bert's security because i'm bert's opener and then when i say that i out that bert's standing right there and they fucking swarm people swarm yeah why didn't they know already so just blowing it i just blew it so bad in san antonio because we're standing like where the sound guy is We're like in the cage and I say in front of one

of the tables that I've been blocking with my enormous back for the last 20 minutes. Yeah, sorry. I'm just open for Bert Kreischer and I point to Bert and then I hear some guy say, Bert Kreischer, let's fucking go. And then he's swarmed and then we have to leave. Oh.

Blowing loads and being a chode the sam talent hitting the roads story yeah i just blew it all night long and then all morning too damn well as tough as i have said uh sometimes you do have to jack it because otherwise if you uh would have tried to roll the dice and just like held it in maybe tomorrow morning you wake up stuck to that tiny bed and then it's somebody's job to like throw the mattress away burn the sheets and get you another pad so you gotta take care of it before then. Yeah. Oh yeah, we just... Someone jizzed their bunk, and then they just start siphoning gas, and some guy

lights a match. He's like, oh, we gotta fucking torch the whole bus. Which one of you fat guys jizzed your bee? Sorry. It was me. But in the dream, she was an adult, so don't worry. They're like, what the fuck are you talking about? Three years ago was the anniversary of me jizzing the bed and then finding out my dad had died that was three years

ago oh today well so last night last night was when was when it happened and then i woke up happened and then i woke up morning this the 21st and uh checked my phone in the bathroom so fun stuff so you guys went to chucky cheese to celebrate no it was for my nephew's birthday obviously and your father's death date yeah they wanted to do we would have done uh yesterday because it was closer to his b-day but uh the uh cousins couldn't do yesterday so it was today so wait your dad died and then your nephew was born immediately are you at all worried that your father's been reincarnated as your nephew no he nephew was 2019 dad died 2021 okay okay yeah damn because what i said would have been stuff we could riff on oh yeah i should just perpetuate a lie for your amusement. Yeah. People want the facts.

They do. They come to this podcast for the truth, the whole truth, and doesn't love the truth. Oh, you know, you reminded me. When you were talking about slamming liquid deaths, I was drinking a lot of soda water and sodas at Chuck E. Cheese, and so I had to go to the bathroom a lot, and hopefully nobody was clocking the fat guy in the flower shirt who was maybe there with a kid, but was definitely clocking a lot of hours in the bathroom.

Yeah. I couldn't help it. They had Bubbly. They had Bubbly on tap. I couldn't help it. They had bubbly. They had bubbly on tap. You come out and you're like, in the dreams, they're adults.

We were both 14, and in the dream, we were both grownups. It's fine. Nobody can be mad at me. Everywhere I look, staff is pointing at me and then pointing at my nephew and so that just everybody some woman's like really yeah yeah yeah oh thank god yeah oh yeah i was all right okay okay i was also laughing at the idea because when we showed up they have a red like velvet rope that blocks the entrance and exit so that they can like you know confirm who's who you are what party you're with and then they give you like a glow-in-the-dark or like uh uv light stamp

and it so it's like a club and then i pictured like a kid bouncer who determines like which kids are cool enough to come in and which ones it's like no we can't have you in tonight. You got to come back during the week. No baseball hats. And it's like, come on. Yeah, we've got a rule here that says you need to have non-Velcro shoes. I'm sorry, Dakota. You got to keep it moving. You two are fine.

You, yeah, no shorts. And the kid's like, fuck, I don't have any pants in the car. Well, you know what? You don't need to be wearing pants or to be able to drive or even be an adult to enjoy today's sponsor, HelloFresh. You have to be fresh to get it. You guys love HelloFresh. You have to be fresh to get a hello at the door to Chuck E. Cheese. You have to be fresh to death.

You know, this time of year, everyone's looking to revamp their eating habits. Lund, you've been talking about how you're... Never. I had a double cheeseburger yesterday. I'm fucked. I'm an idiot. How many... I'm not even. How many... I'm not even going to say slices. How many whole pies did you dome today

while the boy was in the ball pit? No, no. I was pretty good. I'm starving now. But I had maybe... Yeah, right. Dude. Three slices of cheese

and then I snuck a pepperoni. I am fucking so dumb. I had a couple of fried shrimp at the house. At Chuck E. Cheese? They had fried shrimp and you ate them? At the house. No, yesterday. Oh, you better puke off camera.

Oh, fuck. Dude, it's just funny to think about lund being like where's eli oh i think i saw i went in that tube i'll get him and then lund goes in there and gets fucking stuck winnie the pooh style and there's just kids at one end like they your pants come down of course because your ass is always almost exposed and then there's just kids up there like painting on your butt and drawing with markers and you're like hey who's back there you don't don't make me mad because when i get mad i get diarrhea and then you just fucking shit all over the kids and then they're all crying and you're still stuck too so you can't get away. I ruined seven birthday parties. Several families.

Mostly Chicano. That would have been bad. No, luckily no kid ran into my crotch or got a crush on me and followed me around. I'd be like, get out of here. Everything was pretty chill. The kid comes up to you and he's like, in my dreams, you're 14. Well, even if you are having dreams about kids, HelloFresh can help. God.

Goddammit. HelloFresh is America's number one meal kit. They send pre-portioned ingredients with delicious recipes straight to your door. Wow, they come to your door? They drop you off? Also, this hat now looks like I've joined the Muslim Brotherhood. So that's good. I'm riding with the law.

It's a backwards hat. Well, you know. No, I'm saying that if there's no brim, it looks like I'm wearing a kooftie or whatever they call it, right? Sure. Okay. You know who, this is all direct copy, by the way, from HelloFresh. Put a hat on. Put a hat on, spin it around, do the diarrhea story.

Have a bean pie in your hand. Do the diarrhea story. Have a bean pie in your hand. Lund, how much did one of those pizzas cost you over there at Chuck E. Cheese's today? God, I don't even know. It is a racket for sure. It's crazy. It cost a few bills to get in there and get out. Okay, well, Hello hello fresh is way cheaper than takeout so if you're going to

chuck e cheese just to get pizzas to go you know honestly just park the car in the garage and leave it running if that's what you're doing if that's where you get your fucking sweet pies is from charles entertainment cheese i know they got an italian drummer all right but don't be like me don't be tricked me. Don't be tricked. That guy's not actually real. He's a robot. He's not actually back in the kitchen rolling out matzah. With over 45 recipes and more than 100 seasonal add-on items to choose from every week, you'll keep finding new meals to love. Guys, this is my favorite part of the ad, meals to love.

Guys, this is my favorite part of the ad, the personal endorsement. Becker? I regret not getting HelloFresh anymore. I'm excited to get the boxes back. They're really good. They're delicious. Did you start having your violent vomiting and diarrhea

fits before or after your use of HelloFresh? After I quit for over a year. Even somebody with the stomach of a child can enjoy HelloFresh. Diarrhea worry-free. Megan and I did HelloFresh for a while

in Denver. It rules. A lot of great vegetarian options, which I had to do because of my fried shrimp addiction. And yeah, it is fun to be able to make a meal knowing that you have the right amount of ingredients seasoning it's uh easy to do even the biggest of wads and the dumbest of dog people would be able to enjoy hello fresh yeah even even man child points to himself yeah can can flip fuck his way to a nice meal.

Yeah. And they have a lot of great flavors that Becker loves. They have cigarette butt salad. They have bong resin scraping with mushrooms. They even have breakfast you can make in a pinch and fast 10 minute lunches. Because I know that I love to eat lunch in a hurry, standing over the sink, just wondering about when the housing bubble is going to collapse and take me down because I've been selling fake mortgages for years. And since breakfast is the most important meal of the day, because as you all know,

dinner is done. In 2024, it's time for breakfast y'all so quit eating at night if the sun's down shut your fucking mouth you pig all right that's what hello fresh has to say hello fresh is giving all subscribers free breakfast for life with every single hello fresh delivery oh. Oh my god, can you guys believe that? Holy shit. On a shingle. I did not know that. That rules. I mean, breakfast is the trickiest

meal. Where do I put this bread to make it toast? Are these eggs? Or are these yoni eggs? Did Lund masturbate in my breakfast? You know? know so go to hellofresh.com chubby free and use code chubby free for free breakfast for life one breakfast item per box while subscription is active that's free breakfast for life at helloFresh.com slash chubby free with code chubby free.

HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit. Put it in your face, bud. I know we've been a Factor pod for a long time. Don't say it. Don't say it. I'm following the money. HelloFresh bought Factor. It was after the ad read.

Oh, yeah, it's the same. What? HelloFresh bought Factor. Oh, shit. We're good. it was after the ad oh yeah it's the same what? oh shit I thought Factor would absorb HelloFresh into its endless void of an eye Factor serves only one god and it is the CEO

of HelloFresh a Cisco corporation brought to you by Monsanto and Halliburton a Raytheon joint guys i don't know about you but god i am so excited to watch after midnight with taylor tomlinson said no one ever i i was very excited i don't appreciate that dude Dude, I get it. It can be fun. What I have enjoyed is seeing the amount of groveling and butt kissing that's going on on any, like, the comics that are like, check me out on After Midnight. And then there's like 12, you know, struggling comics who are like, hey, good luck, man.

Can't wait to check it out. And it's like that. Okay. Please don't you're not gonna get on there because you commented first that kill it i can't wait to watch you kill it dude yeah i'm not excited nasty there was some gal on there robbie hoffer shar? I don't want to say it wrong. Hofferman? Hoffernan? Robbie Hoffman, who is actually funny.

He's dead. Dude, that chick blew my fucking mind. That lady rules forever and always. Okay, are you purposefully wrong-gendering Robbie? Robbie's, I thought, female. I looked at, I Wikipedia'd her the other night when I was watching it. Yeah, I bet you did, you perv. Yeah, Becker! If she had any, like, any like if it was okay to do what you wanted to do no and they did have a special that i could watch i was thinking of matt hoffman who is uh dead

gentleman yeah no this is an extremely funny possibly they is Is that what Sam says? No, no. Robbie's a lady. She just cut her tits off. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Which is, what's the point, you know? He's got the worst part of the whole operation now. The bleeding uterus.

Was that the? What if she had them? Was that? I don't know. I don't know this person. You would know better than I. Robbie's funny. Was it an Angelina Jolie, like uh breast cancer in the family mastectomy thing or do you know i i don't know as

soon as they lop them i quit listening that's what i say change the channel yeah delete siri delete after midnight from recording schedule. Anyway. Yeah, no, I'm glad, you know, there'll be 10 comics that'll get to do that show every other night and

thrive the same 10 that get every opportunity forever as an up and comer for like 15 years. Yeah. I'm excited for all of them to shine dimly. It's funny that I just i'm sorry that i just bashed this and i bet i could probably get on get on there but i could send a message i should get on there and i'm gonna be like i cut my tits off too and i'll reply here tonight can't wait to watch sam kill it on at after midnight hosted by at taylor tomlinson i'm on. I'm on threads. I'm on threads just to

try to suck up to everybody involved. After seeing what Robbie was allowed to do in the edit, I think you would thrive on that show in its new format. Naughty? It's naughty. I can't wait. I can't wait to be on there next week. She was as naughty as I've seen someone be and is like purposely derailing

a show in years cbs years cbs yeah and she and they did it on like the third episode she they just showed up and were like i'm gonna do whatever the fuck i want tonight it ruled well i bet the 12 people who forgot to turn their tv off loved it um wait have here is have either of you watched the floor do you know about the floor it's a game show no kim and evan watch it it's like the one show that they have been able to watch that isn't you know youtube influencers screaming about their kids you know buying fake shit or whatever and uh i thought ads for it, and it looked dumb. Rob Lowe hosts it, and it's like a dumb game show with random rules.

But it's trivia, and all of those people pick something that they're super knowledgeable about, and so they challenge each other to go head-to-head answering, naming different college mascots or breakfast foods there's a bunch of good ones and then a bunch of bad topics for sure but it was pretty

fun I got into it because I'm competitive with any like general trivia and yeah I will probably keep watching it even though it's one of like those dumb game shows that was produced because of the actor and writer strikes. They were like, oh, we'll just get Rob Lowe to get out of his sarcophagus and give him some poppers and then have him host two weeks at a time, and he's done for the year. I wonder if I could get on that show.

year but they got i wonder if i could get on that show it'd be like uh okay and tonight's competitors representing vice presidents it's claire from rio ranch our new mexico and all the way from rocky ford colorado sam talent with who's got him all right competitors and i'd be like well to start not cla Claire all right glad to be here big fan Rob dude oh you had you had a double mastectomy oh okay all right did you have sorry Claire I could get a half point yeah it's like a half chub all right Claire they should take it away they should have been more discerning I I'm hosting the show, Sam. Quit trying to host the show. I think I got it, Rob.

Take a lap, sleepy. I wish they would have been a little more on top of who got to pick their topics. Because one was moguls. One was junk drawer items. Come on. You couldn't do better than that there were some bad ones oh and the mogul guy got pissed because uh some of some of them were fictional so like montgomery burns was one and dude was not happy about that he was like uh i

don't know fake i don't know i don't watch oh't know. I don't watch. Oh, yeah, he said, I don't watch TV. Because he didn't know Logan Roy from Succession. And he was not stoked. Because once you lose, you're gone. You're off the show. So he got whacked. He sucked his own dick, his own mogul dick. He's like, oh, Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk.

And then hit a wall and struggled. Because some of them were just, yeah, fictional characters. But I would have been pissed, too, because if they were like, you know, if they were like Marge Simpson, Vivica A. Fox, when she was Jessica Rabbit, you know, if these were the answers, I'd be upset. What? For who's got them? Have you seen Vivica A. Fox recently? Jesus Christ. Yeah, of course.

Who's got them? What's going on with Vivica? Amelia from Hey Arnold. What did you say? What's going on with Vivica Fox? Oh, she is so hot. Oh to nut god damn it what if that was that's uh that's if bill that's if billy madison was uh was an r-rated movie want to fuck the hiney veronica vaughn

I've got this new system where like 10 minutes before she'd be on there 10 minutes before I go on stage I eat an edible and then when I get off stage I have all the adrenaline and then the adrenaline is replaced by being high and it's the best also

the Buffalo Bills just lost the playoff game by a field goal going wide right. No way. That's right, the Chiefs. Oh, yeah, the Chiefs are in, baby. I thought about hitting you up to hit up Dave T about taking the Bills.

I thought they're in Buffalo, Mahomes' first away playoff game. Oh, my God. Wild. Did you bit? I'm glad you didn't hit me up because I took Mahomes' anytime touchdown score, which was plus 500. And guess what? I'm going to have to earn cigarettes the old-fashioned way in here tonight

because there's no money on my commissary. Damn. You're going to have to earn cigarettes the old-fashioned way in here tonight because there's no money on my commissary. Damn. You're going to have to go. This is another scene from Billy Madison, R-rated. That Veronica Vaughn is a sweet piece of cunt. Jesus Christ. I fisted her. No, you didn't.

I know a guy who fisted her no you don't well you can imagine what it would be like to fist her right okay so that's that's a new bit save it save it for after midnight you can get naughty on there

according to the Beck man. Yeah. God, it looks like Jason Kelsey's getting so drunk that he's going to bang Taylor tonight. He's been shirtless for like three quarters. Really? Yeah. In the crowd? In a box? In the box with Taylor smelling the top of her head and grunting.

When you go out and you open for Kreischer after after the shirt's off cam the top's off cam people yell out to you take your shirt off when you're on stage and it's like do you guys know how fucking stupid you would have to be to take your shirt off opening for kreischer what's the matter with you that's his thing i would be done in show business what about this what if you all right told or you know mentioned to kreischer that i used to do that bit where i would come out holding a shirt and say does this shirt make me look fat he might he might buy it off of us or just take it because what are we gonna do lawyer up well first of all i'm gonna tell him it was my joke. Yeah. And I would not tell you. And I would keep the money. Give me a cut.

No. Okay, well then I'm going to sharpen a pencil. I'll see you in Cleveland. Don't do it. Don't do it. Oh yeah, hey, Cleveland listeners, buy some fucking tickets. All right, we're doing five shows instead of four. And my eyes were a little bit bigger than my

tummy. You're going to get beat up by 80-year-old Nick Papadopoulos. He's buff. He could kick both of our asses, bro. He's seen some shit. He looks like an old sailor. He's probably got a ship tattooed on his chest.

Oh, for sure 100 oh bircher started the his closer nice okay what do we got left on this seven i gotta go off a curtain call and get my flowers get those accolades like troy walker used to say r.i.p he probably still says that he says a lot oh he was yeah i'd always are you going to go out and get some accolades? Where would he say that? Like at the 404 open mic? He's waiting by the door handing out business cards? In the green room.

But yeah, you do have to go press some palms. You do have to go press some palms. Yeah, can you guys either feed me seven minutes worth of hilarity or just finish up without me? We don't need seven minutes. We're good. No, we need seven, baby. Not by my watch. Not by my watch either.

Yeah, what are you looking at? Mine says 53 minutes. No, it doesn't. We need two minutes. It's just your it doesn't. We need two minutes. It's just your timer's off. We need two minutes. Really? Yeah.

Yeah, we're... Well, what if... What if I send this to you and we've lost all the great bits from tonight? Lund getting his butt painted and then shitting on kids. That's not how it works. It just makes it worse.

My great whack-off story. Who... The mystery of the missing mess remember that we came in there's been so many me and fucking russell dickerson is an all-timer this is yeah this is gonna be a mad scramble to get these both up by midnight well yeah you better fucking pull your tongue out of your ass and get to work all right because i'm gonna be rolling in the town and i'm gonna i'm gonna fucking whip you with a radiator cord awesome where are you headed next you'd love that are you headed home tomorrow yeah i head home tomorrow i fly into old denver and then connect in colorado springs even though

i could just drive four hours from amarillo and probably be home by midnight. But no, I'm committed to the hang. I like the party. I like the after-show pork chops. That's why I'm here. I'm headed home. Kreischer domes a steak when he gets off stage. There's a steak waiting for him, and he just houses it, and it rocks.

Oh, man. You ever seen a millionaire eat a steak? I don't think so. No, yeah, I haven't. I have. It's awesome. You try to get a little... I've got that on you.

Get a little piece of fat, and he's like... Here's another scene from Billy Madison, if it was R-rated. You know, when that guy's hosing down that little boy with the hose? Yeah. Mister. You know? And the kid's like, why are you doing this? Who are you?

Yeah. Who are you? But the guy's not using a hose. He's peeing on the kid. Your worst fucking nightmare, kid. I'm a fat character actor in the 90s. You'll never see me again. You guys got anything?

Miss Lippy's car is fucking green. That's all I can think of. is fucking green. That's all I can think of. Miss Lippy's ass is fucking brown. What about you, Sideburns? You want some milk? I'd rather have some cum.

Shampoo is superior. No, shut up. Shut up. There's no swearing. Conditioners better. How about that? Count it. All right.

All right, that'll do. Please, come to Cleveland. Come to West Nyack, New York. Come to fucking Magoobies in Baltimore come to Governors in Long Island come on my please hey all right that was deleted see check out

the patreon oh yeah what about what about happy Gilmore but it's r-rated go I think that uh happy Gilmore, but it's R-rated. Go. I think that... Well, what was the name of his coach?

His golf coach? Chubbs. Well, not in this one. He's got a different name. Comes. Chubbs. He's got a different name. Comes. Chubbs Peterson?

Is that a Chubbs Peterson? It's Scott Peterson. He kills his wife. Puts her in a lake. She was pregnant. I was sure you were going for a Huck Finn joke. I'll bet he was. He's in the AB.

I'll never tell. Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a fuck? Join that Patreon, everyone, so we can support Becker through his surgeries and get Lund even. Becker, you're not working right now, you're on sabbatical yeah i've been out of work for a week and probably this whole week too so yeah in all sincerity if you do want to help becker in his time of need he has no source of income right now uh and he refuses to sell all of his antique action figures even though that'd be a pretty easy solution so please join the patreon right now in our time of need to keep a roof over Becker's head.

All right. I don't, I don't know. We don't like sincerity on this podcast. We're never telling you the truth, but this is the truth in the dream. She was not 14 and Becker. Also,

I'm this, I'm, she was not 14. And Becker also... I'm dead serious. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about that whole story. Because she was an adult. And Becker also does not have a job right now. So please, do everything you can. Join the Patreon. It's patreon.com slash chubbybehemoth.

This is really... We need you. We need you right now. Please. Thank you. Bye. Later, y'all.