Chubby Behemoth - Family 2.0

Episode Date: May 13, 2024

SPONSOR: Over 3 million butts love Tushy. Get 10% off Tushy with the code CHUBBY at https://www.hellotushy.com/CHUBBY ! #tushypod BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week it’s a podcast for guys. Revenge on father. The boys talk about things that don’t make sense, family theft, and Biden doing the Forum. Nathans white whale is back. A tale of an exploding gallbladder and restless eggs. The guys talk about pika and the forbidden white gum. A ghost in the shell gives the guys a thumbs down. Sam shares about sleeping at a jungle party. Nathan dreams to marimba. A who has ‘em update. Sam is having special dreams.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

and hey and welcome to the first podcast for guys. Finally, a podcast just for dudes for dudes by dudes. It's that rip roaring adventure, everyone's favorite weekly sabbatical from thought and reason. The chubby behemoth brand podcast. Dudes chubby dudes tits weeds sports do drinking just kidding getting sober being honest share feelings letting it out. Let it real talk time slide freestyle rapper not our thing anyone like my father And that's my biggest grievance that he'll never know the pain that he gave to me And now I must kill him. That's what it is to be a dude. It's all about getting revenge on father Yeah, showing him. Yeah showing him What's how would you do it? I?

Beat my dad almost to death and then kicked him out of the house when I was 15 years old wow What was he doing looking at your Ninja Turtle comics? Before he calmed down and like got his life together used to like relentlessly beat my mom and me well What did she say that you're not wrong? Oh Becker As a kid who was also gonna get beat there were several times I was like just shut up Have you considered shutting up? Hey mom not to interrupt but if you considered shutting that big yap of yours read the room up. Yeah

This isn't a new dance. It's a tango. Yeah, he was more wrong, but they were both wrong. Oh no, dad. Daddy would come home. Yeah, just with a criminal blood on his hands and nabbed another one out because he was working 24 hours a day and it like lost his mind. Jake, have you ever captured a loation before? Well, your father has because he's a man. Yeah, damn. So yeah, I he like came in and started to what my ass. He Allocation before well your father has because he's a man yeah damn so yeah I he he like came in and started to whip my ass he comes in and then I music hits the breath the glass the glass breaks Yeah, Darno Barbershop what you were Sean

He was the genetic through the end hall like threw him into the end hall There's divots in my parents hardwood floor from me throwing him around. So he was he was battling wrestling hardened criminals but then a 15 year old whooped his ass. We laughed about it a couple years ago because I was like so you sent me to the most aggressive jujitsu school on the stage knowing you were gonna beat me. Yeah. That just seemed like a plan you wanted to sign up for. He's training me to kick your ass. He's a stand-up dude. He didn't want he wanted a fair fight. Yeah. Dad why did you send me to time-traveling sensei Chuck Gordova's school of pain and torture? If you didn't want me to fucking tune you up a little yeah

And then he moved Arizona and sold RVs for like two years Yeah, cuz you kicked him out for real like you're like you're done. I'm fucking mom. You're grounded for life I'm the man hunter now. I'm Donna Logue and you're grounded for life. He got it together and I'm the man hunter now. I'm Donna Logue and you're grounded for life. He got it together and Figure it figured his brain out I love Donna Logue and then like quit but quit doing male bonds came back and just did process serving and whoa and Bounty hunting because you were sitting at his desk with your big old feet kicked up on it. Don't make some money Yeah, you can't work 21 hours a day, yeah Yeah, he was like if there was

an extra hour in this goddamn day I'd work that one too yeah now hey get my wife in here so I can smack the shit out of her well and then she was yeah my mom was averaging like a hundred and twenty hundred and thirty thousand miles a year in her car driving all over the state to do bonds uh-huh in 24 hours a day yeah working she was a dizzy bitch saying shit like shut shut up, when her and my dad were already in the middle of a fight, and they're getting popped. And it'd be like, yeah, well, I mean. Don't call him that.

I'm eight. Not cool, mom. Yeah, like they're having like a back and forth actual fight about something. And then she'd say that. And it would be like, what the fuck? I'm going to get hit now, too. I think you just broke the F seal on this podcast.

I think we went four years quoting his mom. Yeah, okay. Oh yeah. This is a free one. Isn't it? That's feminism. My dad's good for the algorithm. Becker blasts a slur and then honks one my dad. My dad, my dad smacked me around, I think a couple times when I was young. Oh yeah. And then he stopped after I asked my mom, why does daddy hit so hard? And so he stopped. Yeah. Are you auditioning for a

role in like a lifetime movie? That is straight up precocious. You saw someone say that mama Guess what? I don't think I exactly said that because it was forty five years ago I thought it was an exact quote my bad. No, okay. Give me a little artistic Liberty novelist. Okay. Hey, that's fine Documentarian working for a living Yeah, he he uh, he stopped. My mom would, uh, would use a wooden spoon on paddle less broke a couple of wooden spoons, but she wasn't constantly. Yeah. But she wasn't like constantly whipping us or anything. She was tiny. So, you know, who cares? But what if my mom hit me?

I had fucked up. Yeah. I was doing something out of line if my mom decided it was time. Yeah, that was justified If my dad did it it could have been any number of reasons. Yeah throughout his day. God damn it. The McRib is back Get over here Jake. I'm told over your father's knee. I'm gonna use this big wide palm that Should not ever have a McRib in it because that's dog food that's dog food with barbecue sauce on it Jacob where you go it's funny to imagine that your dad looked like looked exactly like dog the bounty hunter like that was just the look of a bounty hunter so he copied him like yeah me too he just walked up behind him. Alright here's your bounty hunter license here's your wig he looks like here's your sunglasses let's get papa into the chat I'm gonna pull him up he's probably hunting men right now

no he's retired well he's off the clock so he's out at shaboogies he's toe tapping in the bathroom at the Colorado Springs airport Colorado's small airport and that's our sponsor for today if you live in Colorado and you're tired of flying in and out of that jungle known as DIA, that's my dad's old goofy ass. That guy beat the shit out of you. Yeah, what he does look like you smiling John Tash, my my dad is seventy and still has like twenty four inch biceps. Yeah. Whoa. Why is he wearing like I love cops glasses Because he's 70 and white and drives hot rods. Where do you think he stands on cops?

He drives hot rods when he's 70. He should have a huge hat He does I know one thing that he needs a big old top hat with like the top coming off of it and smoke coming out of it Uh, he's not as a rat fink variety. Yeah. Hey daddy with the top coming off of it and smoke coming out of it. Cause of Rat Fink. Right, yeah. Hey daddy, get behind the wheel and drive away. I'm tired of you hurting mommy. And if it continues, I'll be gay. And he leaves.

Mommy uses the F slur all the time, but it's not as bad as you touching me, touching you. She's from like the very south side of Chicago in the 50s. Yeah, she's black. The F slur is probably one of the nicer things my mom says on a regular basis. Okay, outing mommy for slurs. She's retired. That was my mom's last word.

Yeah. I remember she got me out of the deathbed and she took her little her little hand like a bird skeleton and she said don't be a f***. All right. Two bleeps. Yep, two of them. Three. Well, while we're talking about things that don't make sense, Becker has been here in Seattle with us and he has had his... Well, Becker, why don't you explain what's going on?

Because you have been joined by a lovely companion who is so funny and so sharp. Yeah, I feel like we've maybe run into each other once or twice over the years, not a long amount of time. This was the first time we had, uh, you know, ample like conversation. She's fucking quick, very funny, nice. She's talking about, she's like reading books. You guys are very, uh, different because she said something about like reading a couple of books. One was about like French architecture or something. She beat up her mom. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I used to be a big reader Yeah, we know what you read. It wasn't about French architecture. Yeah, it was how to get behind the pages of Mad Magazine

How to turn into a Ninja Turtle? Yeah. What if you were a car a thought experiment in three parts? Yeah, we've been a room. Vroom goes my heart. We dated in high school and then she moved out here and then we broke up like a year after that and then have been kind of seeing each other on and off. Seems like more than kind of. Well, someone was pretty late for this podcast because they were quote, porking. I was not porking. I love you guys so much that I could have been and I decided to do this instead. Yeah but you definitely you definitely got your gork dorked earlier this week. No. What? No last night she

passed out we were wasted. When is that stuff? And then gentlemen in Seattle and then tonight we were like just get you you got like I threw the phone when you texted me What yeah, yeah, it was thrown across the room. I was like fuck the first time in four years. They were super responsible Oh, yeah, you thought we'd yeah. Yeah, I thought we were good ice cream. Yeah. Oh, yes Yeah, yeah, so you be tough tomorrow to you did not engage Was there any I don't know. I don't want to be vulgar was there any throbbing gristle Sure. Yeah, was that cockney rhyming song shave the wombat? Yeah, let me see if I can figure out no there really was a rhyming slang we went and adventure around the city this morning

Yeah, we never did you talk. Did you tuck her nut? Some cockney rhyming slang? Yeah, I don't want to be. No, nut doesn't rhyme with nut. Tuck her nut. We didn't. Did you tuck her in the nut? Very little. I think there's usually more nuance to cockney rhyming slang. It's not a direct translation. I'm like seeing each other for twenty years. It's not always like yeah, it's always yeah, it's not necessary. It's more like I think that you should put a ring on it bro. Yeah, what yeah. No shit. Well, why? She listens. Hey, we're big fans and I don't know what he's fucking holding this breath for. I'm not holding my

breath, man. It's her. Oh, all the ladies who independent. Let's get her back in here. No, she's the bow. Call in. We need to get to the bottom of this. Clear the phone lines. Yeah, stop my calls. Yeah. We're looking at pictures of your dad in focus. No, I'm pulling the ad back up just so you have it. Oh, sure. Yeah.

Why not get out of that? Yeah, no, we were both thinking, like, god, if a **** and that guy's ****. Yeah, that's fine. If **** and Becker would settle in to a nice life where he gets to have like a figurine shop. She's retired. She's what? She's retired. She said she retired. Yeah, she's the best. She's always been the best. Why did you think it was really good? I don't

know. Now that I said it aloud. She's younger than 65. She's a woman. Why is she retired? I mean, there's a lot of elements to the mastery. It was just kind of on display. Kind of fine. Like it was okay. She's do do 35 or whatever. And WNBA player would might retire then. And we had back. So it was just kind of accurate or something as opposed to the best jokes on downtown funny, but accurate. Now, Becker, what do we have to do to put you in a Ford Raptor? What is that? I got it on my shirt, that just made me immediately break a sweat. What is that?

It's a car. It's a truck. It's a truck. A truck. Yeah, it's whatever you want it to be. It's a Raptor. It's the Raptor. It's a bird, it's a lizard. It's a truck. Yeah, it's whatever you want it to be. It's a Raptor. It's the Raptor. It's a bird. It's a lizard Gonna be fun to listen to

Okay, yeah, all right save it for your other Car questions She's weird. She doesn't operate on like the normal Spectrum of like emotion. Now the Ford Raptor is supposed to have emotions? What are you talking about? The Raptor is supposed to have tons of normal humans. Wait, I don't understand. I was... Oh, I thought you were still talking about this. Now you want to sell me a Ford truck.

Well, yeah, I was trying to... I don't think you were stoked on the conversation. Oh, no. So I moved to something you love talking about. I do like the Ford... I don't like the Ford Ranger, but they named... I said Raptor. Give me some a Ranger the hey Chevy named their new truck that's ignorant the I the meteor meteor yeah cuz dodge named there's the t-rex and Ford names there's the Raptor and his lunch was called the meteor it's 70s muscle car shit talking and I love it

It's like the meteor killed all the dinosaurs. Yes when you're ready for big boy shit Oh, yeah, so I have to get one or I'm not a man. Oh, don't they get like six miles? We my dad gonna steal my family. No, I've been laughing really hard about there's a comic named Drew Morgan and You know Drew Morgan. No, very funny. He's married to a lovely woman named And you know drew Morgan no very funny. He's married to a lovely woman named So it's not impossible and they have a child and I texted drew to say that you're in this like YouTube Documentary at this timestamp and he responds and he's like hey by the way we moved back to Nashville and I was like yeah, I know he's like how he said told my dad He's like what and I was like yeah, my dad texts your wife all the time

They send baby pictures like they talk constant my dad's always giving me updates on you and your baby and your wife She's checking in. Yeah, and then I was like my dad's gonna steal your family Airplane laughing to myself audibly about the idea of Drew Morgan having to go public and be like they're like Drew where it happened to be in the baby Sam Talents father stole my family stealing a man's family my dad's now raising his baby the only thing that'd be better for that news came out the same week as his cameo in wide world oh my father yeah father? Yeah. I mean, you better not watch.

Hey, you're a lady. You better keep your eyes to yourself when old Dave T comes out on Wide World, because he is majestic in that thing. Yeah, the heartbreaker. I mean, what if my dad stole a man's family? And then my dad comes to Thanksgiving dinner, and he's like, family? Meet family 2.0.

I stole a man's family. And he's not even into? Meet family 2.0. I stole a man's family. And he's not even into raising the baby or loving Andy. He just likes telling people, 70 years old? What'd you do? He could do it. Oh yeah, you went to the Kentucky Derby? I stole a man's family. And it's your peers' family.

Yeah, it's my friend. I'm still going to see Drew. Yeah, that's fucked. Yeah, like, Drew featured for me in Nashville at Zany's's and the next time I do it, he's over there featuring and my dad comes. He's like, the dread bastard Dave Talon. You stole my damn family, you lizard son bitch. And I'm gonna cut you from testy to throat. Because he's from the south and that's how they talk. Oh yeah poetic. Yeah. Gothic. Southern Gothic. You dirty dog. I'm gonna shave you and get rid of the lice you call children. It's his own kid. My dad's southern now. Yeah I was like what he matched he matched Drew's intensity right? Yeah, my dad's always just hitting me with updates on drew and So that's been funny and also what's another fun thing this weekend the smells

Let's just say a possum owner came to the show. Oh, yeah. Yeah Mm-hmm Yeah, but you know who didn't stink the good people of Eugene in Seattle who helped us sell a lot of tickets Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But you know who didn't stink the good people of Eugene in Seattle who helped us sell a lot of tickets to sold out in Eugene, allegedly sold three sold out in Seattle. Although I don't know the room. There might be some particular term that is a sellout.

Well, I think they sold the tickets, but they didn't show because they kept saying first beautiful day of the year. Everyone's in a kayak right now. They're fishing for salmon with their bare hands. And Biden came to town and there was a Mariners game. I was competing with Biden. Yeah.

And Biden was like kind of a last minute thing and they shut down. Who canceled. Amazing. No, I shut down. Canceled. Amazing. No, I mean, like, you know, the Biden filled in for someone like, oh, shit, Coldplay can't do the forum. Who are we going to get? Who's available? How about the president of the United States of America? That's Biden. That's his opener.

Biden comes out. He comes out when takes his shirt off, like Chrysler. Yeah. Biden comes out, he comes out, takes his shirt off like Chrysler. It's all wrinkled and fucking white hair thatch on his chest. He also comes out to Stone Cold's music. They hit him with a cold one. It bounces off of his forehead. He puts his hand.

Good to see. Yeah, doesn't re fall down. Is he's doing it doesn't react at all to the can hit him and then his hand goes up. You guys want universal health care. Give a hell yeah. It's Jill with a fucking stunner. Happy Mother's Day bitch. Doctor. Cheers Kamala and then stuns her. Gives her one as well. I don't even want I don't want this shirt on but oh fuck I don't even want I don't even want this shirt on but oh fuck I don't even want I don't even want this shirt on but oh fuck I don't even want I don't even want this shirt on but oh fuck I don't even want I don't even want this shirt on but oh fuck It starts coming out of his dick. Yeah. You can't have layers in here, man. I

don't even want, I don't want this shirt on, but fuck it's been a dude hanging out with your hanging out with Steve Vanderploo. We were in the lot, the hotel every single retired. Uh, yeah. What the women's pro bowling is so weird. Hey now that's what I'm talking about. She work like a truck, truck, truck like what the last fifteen minutes of this just of maybe move you, but becker keeps getting more and more nude.

Drop another one now, but hanging out and say Hanging out in the lobby for a few hours, dicking around, getting some food with the fellas ruled. We've had so much fun as the two of us a lot of the time, Becker, when you're with us, whatever, like great. But like, I don't know, Yuris was such a big part of the Denver scene when we were just giggling and hanging out and Vanderplug as well.

And he just had like comedy works, both comedy works, which is cool. You know, yours said he's been doing like a bunch of like gig work writing like comedy stuff. I don't know. You know, I think just whatever comes in, he's writing a Koran for everyone, which he's making the Torah funny. But yeah, just spice it up. Made made him laugh so hard. Make some edits, cut it down a little bit. I don't know if we can say this on the pod, what I made him laugh.

Never mind. But yeah, it was awesome. Well, I think that he was dying. It's a bit much. It was really funny. Yeah, it was just really cool to have Plug here, you know. God, you're just out of the woods. He was so just important.

He was over at your house when you lived by the carriage house. He was always at your house. Yeah, we played a lot of Catan. Constantly playing Catan, smoking a lot of weed. FIFA. Singing stupid songs together. Singing, yeah, funny voices. All right, and we're back.

We had a little hiccup there, battery related hiccup, but it wasn't a salt and battery, and that's all that matters, remember. Whatever you do, don't injure the people you love physically. A salt and pepper. Yeah, sorry, hopefully everything's cool. We're having a good time. You know what's really cool? This week's sponsor. Yeah, sure, sorry. Hopefully everything's cool. We're having a good time

This week sponsor yeah, sure yeah, you know I when I get the email from our ad person I always just say God. I hope that it's a really good Solid product American made and I hate to break it to you But wiping your butt with toilet paper is literally just smearing poop around so you're doing now whoever wrote that Jackson Pollock Mfa from Vassar I guarantee whoever's writing this copy is a very highly educated person and they came up with hate to break it to you But wiping your butt with toilet paper is literally just smearing poop around. I know what I'm doing down there All right. Why do you think I keep pooping? To get it out of me? No, because I like to smear. I like to finger paint with my own. Okay? And those days are over. Because this week's sponsor. Sponsor. Clean things up with tush she travel. It's a collapsible, durable and discreet portable

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president, so you could stand up in front of the country and smear your own dump around those days are over Joseph, Joseph R Barden. What's the R stand for? I'll let you guys figure that out. All right, regressive like his policies with a three stream nozzle. How many streams Nathan three one for each hole? That's right. You get a total clean an anti corrosion carabiner and key ring. What the fuck are they talking about? Keep it on your hip. Keep it on your hip pocket. You gun slinger, keep that

thing on. All right. You never know when you're going to have to clean your own ass drop. Tro I'll take on anyone clean off anyone. Yeah, what the fuck an anti corrosion carabiner. My big issue with carabiners constantly getting corroding. I know it's like what am I so melting you turning to dust? Yeah, just turning into a pillar of salt and I know you were worried becker. There's an air mesh bag. Oh thank God you can carry it discreetly and let it dry quickly on the carabiner. Wait, wait, you have to let the bidet dry. Oh no, after you've had the shit water

falling to it. Is that what we're saying? But at least no one will know because there's an air mesh bag and let it dry quickly. They're not gonna like this ad. They love it. Whether you're in a grimy bar in a porta potty or doing your business in a bush somewhere. Oh yeah who hasn't? I did my business once in the alley on the way home from the Squire. Oh, yeah, I think I knew that I went up against the alley. I leaned against the wall and I splattered But there was a lot of blowback No, yes, it got everywhere

We wasted you just like a bunch of fucking mimes used the wall to clean their face. Oh my god. Yeah. And my pants were wrecked and my shoes. I was wasted, yes. But if only I had the Tushy on the go travel Tushy. Your carabiner. If only I had this on my keychain instead of that picture of the man I needed to kill to get back my daughter.

You can at least keep it classy with your own personal bidet. Yeah, keep it classy. You. That's right, you. The listener. The guy right now who's listening to this while he's watching on a different fucking MacBook Pro. Just the most violent fucked up pornography he can get his eyes on.

And the sound's on on that too you're listening to people get burned with cigarettes and branded while hearing my voice right now And now there's a psychosexual confusion. You'll never solve you can keep it classy with your own personal bidet and look London How's your bidet going? Are you enjoying the tooshie product? I'm sure it'll be great. I have not yet installed. Yeah, it's my white whale. It's by a walk by it. How many times a day my porcelain whale? I think about doing it several times a day and then I don't because it's what quote homework impossible. It's what he said. I have some type of mental disease. You know what I'll do for you at your funeral. I'll take that to

show late on top of the casket like it's a single flower. I don't say you know what the man has convictions, the American flag. Yeah. No, I will say that I have used other people's tushiba days. You have one at your house. Yeah, I use it every day. They're great. I use it when I pee. I need to put it in for my wife. Yeah, yeah.

And for me. Think of someone else. And I just fucking have not. How dirty is her butt because of you? I'm sure it's all right, but. Get in there. Give it a taste test. God, no.

That's what tushie says. Come on. It's finger licking good You could eat your dinner off of your asshole Endorse it personally the talking up even it rules I gave the one they gave me to my mom who just had back surgery. She's got the dirtiest hole in town Yeah, oh, yeah I was trying to save not my dad or anyone else in the family from having to get in there

Right because she was banned from the Broadmoor for having a quote Reek and all that Yeah Yeah, and she loves it and I've used it at their house and it rules. That's good, man Yeah, it's super super nice. Well, my wife's hole is fucking pristine Hmm. It's great. It's like someone took a piece of molten glass and just like a rod of molten glass and just put it into a snowbank. That's what her hole looks like. It's perfect. So stop wiping until you bleed. What? How is their line crazier than yours?

Shit coming blood on my hands. Are you making a little tool video every time you go to the bathroom? Does it look like there's been a bunch of prison sex when you're done going number two? Get a tushy Maynard. Stop wiping until you bleed. This is verbatim too. I have to say this. Stop wiping until you bleed.

Join the two million butts who have already made the switch to Tushy for a limited time listeners get ten percent off your entire order with code chubby at checkout. That's ten percent off your order at H E L L O T U S H Y dot com promo code chubby t u s h y cuz I got because you had skyline chili you pig because you don't know how to wipe yeah caveman I mean look we all wipe until we bleed I believe to wipe whoa yeah think about that Think about that. Think about that listener. We hit him by Zins.

Yeah. No Zins. We had a good time in Eugene too. Thank you to old Seth. Sethy baby. Yeah. Real good to see him too. He's doing well. He's doing great.

He's sober just like me. Funny. Funny as ever. Yes. That's great. Give old Seth Milstein a follow. Yes. Luke Miller was down there. God, fucking Luke. There's a real wild young freak down there. Eugene Way named Luke Miller who's as broad as a barn and dumb as one too. He's smearing it around.

He's smearing it for sure. He's smearing it all over. Yeah. He had the tushy installed and he uses itaring it around. He's smaring it for sure. Smaring it all over. Yeah, yeah. He had the tushy installed and he uses it to clean his teeth. I'm telling you, the kid's dumb. No, he's very funny and very smart and he was lurking and he told us that he ate so many cheese curds that his gallbladder exploded.

He had a full pound. He ate a full pound of curd. He's a pound pounder. And that blew up his gallbladder? Was that directly related? He probably already had slugger stones. He said that literally the next day. Curd that broke the camel's back.

It's not like he was super healthy before that, but yeah, that was the lynchpin. Fuck, that's terrifying. Do you want to tell our audience what happened with a joke of yours and Luke Miller? That was so fucking funny. You want me to? I'll tell it. You tell it. You were there. I was on stage. Well yeah, so he did the guest set for the second show and he's backstage and you're up there.

We're listening. Yeah, we got the door for to the to the From the green room to the stage open so we could hear you. This was first show, right? Oh was it I was on the drums did this happened? He did the second show, but he was hanging out during the first show i'm playing the drums doing one-liners Yeah, so yeah, you'd go into Restless egg syndrome and when you when you say the line, he's like fuck and I was like what and he goes I've been doing restless egg syndrome as a tag for like a joke about eating eggs or something and he's like fucking he was he was very dejected Like bro, yeah, I loved it it's not the hill I'm dying on his restless egg. I'm surprised no, no, dude Hey, so happy to I know I know it's not the hill you're gonna die on but you're just happy to let him have it

Everyone's been telling me to stop doing restless egg. You also did it tonight. So maybe you can't work say goodbye You also did it tonight, so maybe you can't say goodbye. It worked in different markets. Well, and you did it to tell that story. Yes. Yes, indeed. But yeah, it was, I never would have guessed that he, that that joke would have been duplicated, have to... I can't believe that any other human mind is as beautiful as mine.

Because this is like a very unique matrix up here. I can't believe that any other human mind is as beautiful as mine. Because this is like a very unique matrix up here. There's the power of 10 Tushiba days and old Luke over there. You know, he runs on mud. The cheaper the chocolate is what he told me. And yeah, so what? That's unfortunate for him. What is that? That's a disease. Oh, is, it's tough. He's got a problem. What is that? That's a disease. Oh, pica.

Pica, pica, pica. When you eat. You, it's like a compulsion to eat things that aren't food. Yeah, the only cure is to be shown the sun stone. Huh. To evolve into Pikachu. Ah. Ah.

I didn't get it. No, I'm thinking about, I remembered this, don't you, they eat hair? I didn't know. Hmm remember this. Don't you they here? I didn't know. Yeah. If hair hair is a thing, it's like drywall. I think it's usually a specific thing for some people. Toilet paper, toilet paper out of this. I didn't need a lot of great American. I didn't buy need a whole roll today. He's up on stage. He said, bring me my white gum.

Your defense is always, I didn't swallow it. So it's technically, technically not eating, eating, ain't cheating. Swallowing, ain't wallowing. Uh, yeah. Pika. Uh, I, I, I worked with, uh, special needs adults in college, and none of them had PICA. You were in that class. Yeah. I was a student teacher. None of that player coach is what I meant to say.

No, but I did not work with anyone with PICA, but I think a resident before I came before I started working there did have Pica. And so some of the employees that had been there longer told me that that was a nightmare because like you had to be aware of like where this woman was at all times the wall she could eat whatever. Yeah, there were I think some some people it'll be a certain thing. Some people it could be anything and I think she was down for whatever. I remember hearing that she was like very small and wide like big but like a little tiny person. Yeah, I'm sure similar probably.

Didn't she get any nutrients because she was just eating insulation. So she got, she's like, and they get blocked up too. Oh yeah, that's you can die. Yeah compact Impacted bowels. I was trying to remember where it came from. I remember the heroin on my strange That's right and those people being like, oh chill. Yeah, they eat people's ashes. It's pica. I know that and Emmy Emmy Oh, I said pica. It's fine pica. It's pica. Yeah It's ice a lot of people do it with ice. Is it an acronym? I don't know. Ice is not, that doesn't count, does it? Doesn't have any nutrients. I think pica is defined by eating things that are lack, don't

have any nutrients. Right. Like pregnant women get pica a lot and usually it manifests as like pickles with peanut butter, like weird shit that still has nutrients in it. Some people think that when it manifests in pregnant women, it's them having a lack of a certain electrolyte or nutrient and their brain tells them to combine these things. But a lot of pregnant women is them having a lack of a certain electrolyte or nutrient and their brain tells them to combine these things but a lot of pregnant women will eat ice a lot of pretty women will eat pogs you know that was that's where they had to get pogs off the market because they were

fucking down and I'm like lays potato chips and you know what lock them up put them in the slammer so that's a joke for not many. I like that. I like that. Thank you. From the WNBA. Thumbs down. What is that? Why is it giving a thumbs down? Do you guys see that?

Yeah. It was right after that joke. What? Yeah. You guys saw that, right? Yes. I did after you said it. Yeah.

It was a thumbs down. What the fuck is happening on there? Becker, don't click anything. There's a ghost in the What the fuck is happening on there? Becker, don't click anything. There's a ghost in the machine. That was wild. There's only one way to do this, and that's swallow the computer whole. I have Pica.

Pica Pica? Well, they have that big rally for motorcycle enthusiasts. You know, Pica Bicas. And they travel around. All right. Becker's back. Pica Bicas? Yeah, Pica Bicas.. What? Becker's back. Pika-Bikers? Yeah, Pika-Bikers.

And what, Becker? I don't know why that thumbs down happened. That rattled me. Yeah, it kind of rattles me too, because we're not live. We're live, yeah. We don't know what you'd be able to thumbs down us. Yeah, only the voice in my head can weigh in right now,

and it manifested on the screen. The new MacBook Air, now with cunty feedback technology. Now with personified self-hate on the screen. I don't hate myself, that's the issue. You know who I love are the fucking dudes, we were talking about this on the walk home. You went home, but they met you before you left. And I do want to say this,

you didn't have to come to the shows, and I'm sure you didn't enjoy it as much. No, she demanded we come to the second show tonight. That's sweet of her but yeah people were legitimately stoked to see you and I really get off on that. Yeah it's fun meeting fun folks. And tonight we had a couple of young studs in the late show who came up and they were like doing like the I'm so sorry I'm just you guys mean so much to me you know like very sweet very sincere. Vibrating like shaking with nervous excitement all the

way to calm them is to engulf them much like he had to prevent that small white woman eating the bathroom here get the newspaper out of your mouth it's the Sunday edition she'll die I'm finishing the crossword literally yeah but both these young men babes they babes with them oh yeah oh yeah the first kid that walked up to me yeah did he say Bacchus Reigns yeah yeah yeah yeah no his chick walked up behind him a couple steps later and it was like this doesn't get what she had them em yeah yeah I almost passed out making eye contact the whole time it was like they know where my eyes are trying to go because their boyfriends listen to the pod and I'm not gonna give them the

satisfaction huh I'll give myself the satisfaction later with the help of my friend the egg and I'll be in the ring to your girlfriend and I'll be in here only sweetens the tea we're gonna leave every light on Our rooms also a hundred degrees. So that's fun, dude. Yeah, I don't want to have a shirt on right now, but I Know they get they get sick of it. They want a little decorum I don't the podcast listener. Yeah, you don't want to dump them out all the time or else it's like, yeah, what changed the channel? You know, let's see what else is going on because there's a fucking rerun. You should take your shirt off but have like something cool on your nipples.

Well, if you had like like you taped on like Anna Nicole's tits on each nipple Cool. If you had like, uh, like you taped on like Anna Nicole's tits on each nipple and the dudes are like, Oh no, I'm hard for Lund. This sucks. This is worst podcast ever, but Hey, it is a podcast. Jack, guys, Jack Black over here, Kyle gas over here, Edison and Tesla, Kendrick and Drake. Oh, by the way, make them fucking Kendrick podcast. We're on the right side of fucking history on this one. Come on, man. Yeah. Release the tapes. Kendrick put them in the goddamn body bag. Zip it up. Zip it up. Someone was ardently defending Drake in our presence recently in Providence. the host of the show was the Drake guy

and then Devin Costa repping Kendrick. And they went back and forth for way too long. And it got a little heated. He goes, I like Eminem. They were, yeah, they were both just kind of not letting it go and just kind of again, then warned him to, he's like, whatever you do, if you, if you defend Drake, we're going to be talking about this for an hour and Kendrick, uh, yeah, yeah, I don't know.

Rap hip hop, you know, dubstep, heavy jungle, you know, I Like all these musics nice house I don't know what I actually liked was jungle music I go to jungle parties and like eat ecstasy and wake up on couches of people. I didn't know nice Well, that was like one of our first things we did in Denver We fell into the jungle community JJ Hilger was involved in that Okay, friend named like DJ Stein ski and they would go to these jungle parties on Alameda. Just in a warehouse. I'm 19, drinking jungle juice out of a man's hat, eating ecstasy, falling asleep on the ground. I literally woke up in the middle of a party one time faced down as people were like throbbing around me.

Throb, orgy? No, no, like dancing. They were just like, well, he's dead. We're not going to let that ruin the evening and I just woke up had like glitter all over my body Yeah, like rolled on your side. It was she after that. No. No, I was face down Ass not up though That's good. Yeah covered in piss and shit. That's right. It was my own That was a relief only I had the to she on the go They could hose me off instead of having to just throw me in the backyard.

Now I spent so many time in the yard. The dog was off the train. What else is there? What else do you have? I don't have much else. Very good, Becker. I went to the COVID clinic. They ordered a bunch of tests.

I think we talked about that. That's the update on my health. Oh yeah. Becker Becker watch day 109. Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep my penis in Becker's butt. Whoa. All right. Okay. Alright. God damn. Yeah, it's been a very fun, very fun trip. It was nice to have some time in the car. You know, we haven't done that. Well, yeah, that part. Yeah, that part sucked. It would have been nice if it was like four and a half hours. You listen to

like two of our albums, five hour drive. drive. Yeah, crank some tunes. All the words Eternal Cowboys still You know nice. That's just in there. Yeah, I don't know my mom's birthday anymore, but You know Cavalier Eternal Lives forever right up here locked on. Mm-hmm. Nice. Yeah me and London thinking about starting a band Yeah, I I always likeize, for a long time now, I have fantasized about us being like a two man band, but I would have to learn guitar and or bass, and he would be on drums, and I...

Maybe I push myself. I mean, I can't install a tushy that would take seven minutes, let alone learning either of those instruments that would take a decade. Just do like your leather daddy spirit animal, and you two just singing dance that would take seven minutes, let alone learning either of those instruments that would take a decade. Leather Daddy Spirit Animal, and you two just singing dance while you have a backing band.

No, I'm- They're bringing in other people. I'm gonna learn the chords. Their egos. You learn washboard. You do some scratching. Marimba? Squeeze box. Marimba, sure.

Is that the? No, no. What's that that it's called a quiche one no it's it is yeah now one is a Brazilian instrument it's actually supposed to replicate what a conch shell looks like yeah the corrugated and then you drag a stick across it yeah like God cleaning a roof it's not a cookie schnau or whatever There's another name for it. I think there's another name for it. What do I have to gain from lying to you?

Everything. On this podcast for guys. You get off on it. Guys lie. We're changing the name of this to Turn It Off, Bitch. Don't listen, bitch. I'm sure we made that joke before, but it always gets me going. That was going to be your special. That was going to be called that, yeah. Not for you. Sure, we made that joke before but it always gets me going that was gonna be your special

Not for you, yeah No, I love women and hey the women come to the shows and they come without men and it is perplexing but exciting we had a Three Sophie's we've had several well, I was gonna say we we have had quite a few guys who bring their girlfriend or wife and then say I'm a huge fan and then she says he can't stop talking about you or he listens all the time But that has also been flipped. That's right a couple times this weekend where the the woman is the one that is the fan and The guy says yeah, she's been excited or whatever enough of you guys and you know we used to make love to songs by like Prince or like Belle Biv Devoe but now man she did not get ready to go unless you're doing

alabaster P. Merkin if you can do me a favor and just prime the pump a little bit do a little of the voice oh dude we we met the dude who posted the glossary of terms. Yeah, I can't remember his His handle his reddit user name and not username. I just remember his name say his name John clee. Oh What I thought it was John clee I thought it was John we met a jab Riel So I thought maybe we met a John clee is with the norm shirt on. Yeah. Yes Donnie what was it pretty sure it's Alex. You're sure it's not John Cleo John you want to go out in that limb that could be his tag John's last name. No, no, no, no It's it's nothing but yeah, he said he made the gloss

Just don't hit me daddy, I'm for here to slur. All I know is pain. Don't throw a shoe daddy. Yeah, but turns out I stink. What to it? I read a little bit. Yeah, you smell like a durable dog who smells the smell man.

Yeah, yeah, that was helpful to have a glossary with some of the bullshit that we say. Especially for the average of new listeners we're receiving because they don't know. We've tried to avoid saying Spike, Gui Guo, you know, Gwangus, a burlap baby, you know, all the all the hits, you know, Ice Cream Sunday Man, Smooshow, Smooshow of course, yeah, but we will, you know ice cream sundae man Smush oh smush. Oh, of course. Yeah, but we will you know, we haven't been doing we've been derelict in our duties We have not really said who's had them recently. Oh Dude, how about the post I sent you from Instagram?

Several pictures of the venue Trump the AT&T Spokeswoman a on the red carpet somewhere a very nice dress Maybe the Met Gala. I don't know if it's a recent well a picture but my Instagram for you is ladies who have them and wrestling the hard bodies and then the sweetest softest of me soft supple bodies Yeah, dude Both ends of the spectrum and then I'm in between you know supple bodies. Yeah, dude. Uh, both ends of the spectrum. And then I'm in between, you know, uh, sexy to no one. That's right.

I want to come back as soft line is to she on the go travel. Oh my God. I want to come back a super day and just spitting her butt every day. Back from a bike ride. I'm right there. Feed me Seymour. Hey, hey, Vilon, Melania, quit smearing your shit up there. You're just pushing it all around. You're just spreading it. And you're Greek. So we know there's a lot of hair in there. Oh, hello.

Oh, blind item. Becker fucked her. Whoa, that'd be nuts. Yeah, that would be insane. That is all a little joke. We do not objectify that woman for having the Yeah, that would be insane. That is all a little joke we do. Do not objectify that woman for having the sweetest pair in the game.

Well, it's like anything. She's Squirrel Girl. Huh? She's Marvel's Squirrel Girl. Oh yeah? As I could, it hasn't come out? No, but they've like re-upped her contract once even though they've delayed production.

So she's been announced to be Squirrel girl for I think like five or six years. She's gonna be like crawling around on all fours a lot? It's her with a giant squirrel tail and like a headband on like that's the whole costume. Gentlemen bring me my egg. It's Quailman and Squirrel Girl. Somebody's gotta play Doug Funny. You guys remember Duckman? Yeah, Jason Alexander. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I had a Duckman dream the other day. What? Yeah, dude. Have you been watching it? No. Since I was a little boy when it was on the USA Network. USA.

Apropos of nothing, Duckman. Yep, and his little pig friend, Hampton. What the fuck? Is that his name? Hampton's the pig friend from tiny tunes. Okay. Well. So duck man and Hampton. No, no, no. He had a little pig friend who wore a suit.

Duck man did. Oh, it could have been Hampton. I remember I got hired to write the reboot for duck man. I had to watch a bunch of duck men. So the fucking dream is me sitting in front of the television in my grandparents' house house watching duck man tapes So I'm watching a cartoon in my dream, but I can see me watching the cartoon How many cartoons did you watch in your dream that you were like?

Dream conscious of I don't know. I mean there was like other things going on and stuff You know It wasn't one of those like horror stories where you watch TV for seven hours and then woke up and you'd- That's a dream you had? You'd taken an hour nap. No, I've never had, I don't think I've ever watched TV in a dream before the Duckman incident. Or you dream you worked a whole shift at work

and then you wake up and it was a two hour nap and then you're like, oh, I'm gonna kill myself. I have no reprieve. No, the stress dreams I have are I can't find my shoulder pads.. I have no reprieve. No, the stress streams I have are I can't find my shoulder pads or I can't find my locker. I don't know which lockers mine in the locker room. Yeah. The only, the only, I used to have, I used to have a joke about having the classic naked in high school dreams.

Had a few of those and it was just always so funny to wake up and be like, why did my parents let me leave the house? Nude. Hey, bye mom. Bye dad. I got practice. I'm gonna catch the bus what? Have a good time, hon. Yeah, you're completely new. Don't forget your backpack And then those kind of went away Thank God because it was always so fucking stressful like what do you do you cover the front or the back? You can't fuck you have to go to your next class and you don't go home for some reason. You don't. They let you into school. Right. Everybody's fine with it. So why am I upset by it? Why is it so embarrassing for me if everyone's cool

with me completely naked? Yeah everyone's like, okay another day at the office get in here pig bed get into your special desk Don't eat the yearbook But now the the nudity got replaced and and and and more common of a stress stream now is just a Big test or or it's not the first day of school but I just don't know where at the fuck I'm my classes are that happens all the time I like wander I don't remember most of my dreams but if I do and it was a stress one it's like I don't know where any of my classes are and there are tests there's big tests or

whatever so I have to go and figure it out but like I'm completely unprepared and it doesn't make any sense because it's like why don't I know where the fuck I'm going if there's any Test of note that means I've had that class first at least a few weeks or whatever. What the fuck? I have no idea. I hate those. I haven't had one in a while. I'm really new to my dreams. I wish I could watch Duckman Yeah, that's so funny. So strange. I barely remember I know it was funny and he was like mean to his wife was transgressive and like as a child It was kind of upsetting, you know

You don't get all the jokes and it was drawn in that like gritty kind of like it was this way It wasn't for kids. Yeah, it was definitely an adult show drunk Comedy central probably I think so. I think that's where I was seeing it more like 12 or 13. Don't put anything on that fucking network. Yeah. Because I do remember seeing it like eight or nine and being like, what the fuck is this?

Yeah. Yeah, being a little weirded out and disturbed. No, I didn't like it, but it lives in my head. It's up there. It's like a bat in my belfry. I think I liked it. I was five years older than you. You were five think I liked it. I was a little I was five years older than you You were five. I was ten. Mm-hmm

You're a little baby when I was ten you were 22 We talked the other night for a while about like our nascent period and stand-up like starting Yeah, it was just how funny like when I met him I was like 19 or 20 and he was five years older 24 25 He joked he was like, yeah, you were a boy. I was a man joked he was like yeah, you were a boy I was a man like yeah, I was a boy Thought about that when I was pulling at your fucking cuffs. I was a boy. Yeah, I was the child I couldn't drink a beer

Yeah, and you were like a man Yes a young man, but yes that bad five 20 that five is yes that five years is a is a big one. I like the gap from 15 to 20. It's practically nothing. Legalize it. I've got a bunch of shit. I've said this, but I was like barely 16 and I dated a girl briefly who was barely 15, or not barely 15, but was like 15 and a half. We had like eight months between us and my friends, they called her jailbait and they acted like I was a fucking douche and not really but

they gave me shit and I was like man she's got a more than any 17 year old you can imagine yeah so she's dumping him out at a 12th grade level we're all in high school yeah that's insane wait she wasn't one of the seniors in the class right no no she didn't fight yeah that was very normal when I was in high high school? Yeah. That's insane. Wait, wait, wait. She wasn't one of the seniors in the class, right? No, no, she didn't have FICA. Yeah, that was very normal when I was in high school, I feel like. It was celebrated. I remember when we got into high school, we were freshmen and like the quarterback and the star receiver from the team both immediately had freshman girlfriends. There were seniors and everyone was like, damn, fucking Waymire's the coolest guy alive.

damn fucking way. Myers, the coolest guy alive, you know, which isn't stating a girl my age. Awesome. Yeah, he picked up that thirteen year old. Yeah, her mom still buys her clothes sick. Good for him. Yeah, she's wearing a bra that damn he's cool. Yeah, a lot of that. I don't even know why we got started. Oh us. The two of us. The boy. Duckmen. You were just a boy. Literally just a boy. I was kind of a man. Gee whiz Mr. Lon, won't you show me the ropes? And you were like, yeah, he was the first rope kid. Learn to light a cigarette for me. Keep my, your lucky strike. Keep my glass filled. Yeah. I was William F. Buckley.

Be sure to keep the scotch coming. As if you got it mister. What scotch? I don't have any tape. Little duck to do. Duck man. Duck man. Duck man to the floor. You like wrestling. Speaking of what's burning your brain, Bobby's jokes, Jordan Doll's old stuff just burned in. And it was cool that you said that you liked a few of my jokes and felt like they were the real thing as opposed to like an attempt at figuring out. That was just for us. That wasn't really for the audience. Never mind. Yeah, yeah. No, yeah it was funny because like I didn't listen to

stand-up when I was a kid. Yeah. I thought I was gonna be a second city guy and go do sketch comedy. Right. So I come in and I start taking classes at the Bovine. I took a second city class at the DCPA, Denver Center for Performing Arts. I took a another class at CCD, Community College of Denver, the comedy class, but I didn't know stand-up. You know, I watched like the Comedy Central half hours or whatever, but it's mostly Pablo Francisco going like, in a world, you know? Yeah. I was like, that's stand-up. And then bomb Yeah. I was like that stand up and then bombastic. Yeah. The fucking rag collector over here, the tinkerer, he's up there

talking all these big stories, these big long tales. Sniffing like, yeah. I was like, what the hell? Cause I didn't know he was just doing Stan Hope stuff. No, no, no. Yeah. I was like, this guy's good. He grew up in Boston. He doesn't have the accent at all. It was bingo. No, but it was like very important to see Lund

do these like long storytelling bits for me. Like those are some of my favorite bits that are burnt in my brain. Pumpkin. Pumpkin, of course, is one of my favorite bits of all time. It's so funny. It's not, I know, but I mean like if you want to ask me my the bits that were important to me What am I gonna say like oh?

Greg Giraldo life at the Apollo no I've never listened to any albums of comedy what I have is The written oral language, you know before me from the descendants of times past yeah, yeah No, I remember I loved the Oklahoma City Thunder joke. Yeah. Yeah, that was great. Yeah, that's a long one. There's a lot to it.

If you wanna tell it, you can get that third, you can complete the slur circle. No. No, I'm not gonna, but. If you wanna see Lunn complete the slur circle live, you can come see us live on stage at all the great places we're going. Winnipeg, Rochester, New York, New Orleans, Lafayette, Louisiana. June is packed full of giggles and wiggles.

So go to samtalent.com and find those tickets. Becker, tell them about the Patreon. Go to patreon.com slash do it. He myth you get four extra episodes a month a month. That's a dollar twenty five an episode. When do we get our big bag of money? Give me the money because we have to get becker a wedding ring Patreon do it now Please go. Thank you give you a