Chubby Behemoth - Longer Than Medically Necessary

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week the Sam tells the boys about a cool workout he saw on tv, cheated at games with grandma, and gives away the recipe for cookie cereal. Nathan saw the doctor and results are IN, didn’t tattle, and tells us why he was a volcano in Pueblo. Jake does tattle on his dad. Sam reveals his grandpa’s favorite episode of Maury. Nathan plans a new life on the open road.      Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

unique changes to the stylistic design that it's a unique character. I would like to press a dent in your head for boring me with that story. Just kidding. So I told Becker that this is our monthly spotlight on Becker episode. So it's going to be really Becker heavy. He's a buckle up. Now take it away, Becker.

No, you begged for it. He begged for this he begged for this i did yeah before you came in he's like hey man i just feel like i'm not getting my shit in enough and i really want to contribute more so he came up with like a list of stories he wants to tell i've yelled that let's have him try to come up with one story by the end of the hour. Okay. Yeah. All right. Impossible. Yeah.

It's Kim possible. I don't have anything going on. We need. Only thing I got going on is waiting for this doctor's appointment. Yeah. You need to know what kind of private war you're fighting in your organs. Yeah. What the, what my next steps are to like consistently keeping down water and food

so now i remember where we don't let you talk yeah i've just been walking a lot because i'm going stir crazy at my house i'm kind of losing it uh and i'm terrified of going under on anesthesia because that shit scares me because I'm a wimp. You're under anesthesia all day, every day. You medicate yourself into a trance-like state 24-7. Yeah, you're like one of those monks who spins until he reaches a picnic. You're a whirling dervish.

Yeah, we got it. And that's why we're the best. Welcome to another barn rocking badass beaters. It's Chubby Behemoth, everyone. Barn rockers. I appreciate you trying to shine a spotlight on Becker,

but we need answers from your journey last episode, and I have a bunch of shit that i have to get in so becker should probably suck it and shut up i got nothing okay well you said you've been walking laps in your house you know what that makes me think of did you guys ever watch that uh like it was it was before 30 for 30 and it on the, I think it was like ESPN Behind the Lines. Was that the name of it? That was a thing.

I never watched it, I don't think. They had one on the belt of fat theory for competitive eaters, and it was talking about how Kobayashi's ripped and how he can eat the most hot dogs because his stomach can be more unconstrained by layers of adipose tissue. And they showed this guy who was a competitive eater, and he lost like 150 pounds by just walking laps around his dinner table. His own house. Ugh, even weirder.

Yeah. He lived in an apartment in a tiny New York apartment, and he just walked laps around his table. And every hundred, he would go the opposite way because he was only walking one way for a long time and it was breaking down his inner knee on that side. That's so weird. Meanwhile, the guy

is screaming in every language that's been written down to please stop. He has a Duolingo subscription just to learn new ways to say, knock it off, fat man. Yeah, I'm going to have to lose 100 pounds. Is that what she said?

God, at least. I begged her to spill the beans on you with me, and she refused. Begged her to break HIPAA, the one thing. Tell me about HIPAA hippo yeah they're not allowed i know i'll just tell you this i need i need a lot of this water okay and i need a lot of this i need some help. Things aren't looking good. I have the body of four people, and they're all unhealthy. I'm clinically gross. A certified wad.

I was relieved. I told you. I was relieved to be, I think I was 304.8. Yeah, that's insane. I had you pegged at 335. Kilos, let me finish. Oh, I'm sorry. I am a brick and a half.

Oh, yeah. I'm a brick lard. Lard brick. You're a brick shit mouth. I'm brick lard. Hey, brick lard, thanks for joining us. That's your multiple personalities inside your four-person body. Bricklard.

The gross tard. Who goes hard until he ghosts snores. All right. You're talking my language right there. Hey, keep the front door closed, how about? I can't. Emmy's doing her laps around the house emmy's doing steps in and out of the yeah the house yeah she's on her seventh step

which is the apologies uh oh yeah i was gonna say i almost told becker when i saw him walking around town looking good until i realized why he looks good and it's because he's shit and puked up everything that he's put in yeah so it's not a good hey look at i mean you know he looks healthy doesn't look like he's dying but the way he got there was the gauntlet you had a gauntlet of your own yeah you've been like reverse kirbying pretty much yeah no power you're not and then oddly the best thing i've kept down was that bino's pizza stayed down forever that's like the one meal i've had in three weeks that i didn't puke up at any point you know what was interesting about our time in eastern colorado is that you didn't puke you didn't shit you didn't spaz once and i was with you for three days so i puked for

like an hour and a half at the first bnb is what i'm trying to say where did you be where did you at the first airbnb i slept in the living room got up in the morning ranched hard in the fucking bathroom i was r ralphing everywhere. Did they have you a wigum? Yeah, dude. Wigum out. The chief of ralphing. But that was it. And I don't know what I ate that first night.

I don't remember anymore. That first night, we did kind of jump you into the crew, because when you passed out, we fed you a cricket. Oh. I think it was a cricket. It could have been an albino grasshopper. But yeah, we put some kind of bug in you and you chewed it up. And then you said, thank you, grandmother, in perfect English, even though you were sleeping. Yeah.

Yeah. Wait. I think Dave's edibles might have helped me not get nauseous. Oh, yeah. We had those cookies. The cookies, the edibles from Dave. Yeah. How did that go?

I mean, good. I figured I was going to have like a hell night after we ate greasy pizza and then went to a diner that was really good. But it was also, we had greasy cheese pockets and then I had like most of a hamburger. Dude, he fed us sopapillas with like a brick of mozzarella in them and we each ate one of those things no not dave t javier larios who was uh this little mexican kid in elizabeth who couldn't speak any english and all he could do was go no no no no no no i'm like that was his entire thing for three years you'd be like javier what's up hobby and he'd go no no no when we'd be like all right it was working so he leaned on it oh that's all literally all he said he

couldn't speak english it went and it it got him by oh yeah and then when we walked into the restaurant the first thing he did to remind i think joe and uh bonzo who he was is he did you know kind of like rolled his eyes and shrugged and went no no no you know he's over it he never pivoted yeah it was like when you know you ask big Pete

from Pete and Pete if he was in Pete and Pete and he kind of goes yeah that was Javier yeah yeah And he kind of goes, yeah, that was Javier. Oh, I crushed that corned beef. And I think he heaped it on heavy because he wanted to impress upon us that he was doing well. He kept saying like big words.

He said ambidextrous. He said, he said ambiguously. He was letting us know that the english took he's still in the a's though he's leaning hard on yeah ambivalent ambidextrous ambulance i don't want to call an ambulance no no no no no no no no no leave on your own power please so lund i do want to know everything that happened with you and my wife because you called me bragging about being 304 pounds and uh i was like all right man that's that's very good yeah but it sucks to be relieved like the governor just called it midnight he was like like, hey, I got good news. I'm only 304. And I thought that he was going to say he was like 380.

I was like, this is going to be nuts. Yeah, right. I was worried. God, I really was worried that it was going to be. God, I don't know. I don't know what the high end could have been, but I was scared about 330. I don't know. I mean, Emmy was worried too, dude.

Emmy was worried for the scale because it's rental. You're going to lose the deposit on it because you break it. The two young women who had to take my vitals were both 4'10 and 65 pounds. And I'm just like, douche, douche, douche. Walking down the hall like fucking TikTok. Completely nude underneath the poncho. I'm full TikTok in Return to Oz. I'm going from one leg to the other.

I'm fucking, yeah. It's just, anyway. But anyway but yeah yeah we know how you walk i've seen you walk a lot that's how you walk i have to get on some medication to make me live longer you have to get on that's cool you have to get on a fucking yoga ball and just bounce around all the time that's what you're gonna be up to no more walking i have to do crunches i have to lift my weights that i have you're gonna do all of that for sure unfortunately the worst news of all is that i'm i have too much time left it's not i have two years left it's i probably if i do things right i have another 25 years left, so that sucks.

Damn. I thought you said that Emmy gave you four to five pods left. Oh, yeah. I was joking. I was trying to scare you. I was trying to make you think, wow, I got to help this guy. No, that would have been great. Me and

Becker could have gone into business for ourselves. We could finally do the sam and beck turtle cast where we just talk about ninja turtle related items i want to hear about what where we left you because we left you hold on what did it is your blood okay i guess i i'm not i'm tell me i'm almost pre-diabetic so i have to almost yeah so that's that's a victory good ish uh my cholesterol is a little high so again good ish could be worse uh for sure and I

I'm gonna try to not make it worse it could be worse I could be in a lot more trouble than I am To not make it worse. It could be worse. I could be in a lot more trouble than I am. Look, man, I know something about you, and it's when your back's against the wall, you start fighting. I mean, you have the most fucking stick-to-itiveness. I start biting.

Yeah. Grr. Grr. I become very primal. Yeah. And I don't know who's friend or foe. No. You start lashing out, and the scorpion is blindfolded. I give little nips

to let you know that I will bite harder if you don't fuck off. Emmie was like, Lund hasn't called me. I texted him and said, call me about your results. And I was like, well, you know what's something about Lund? He has a Tushy that he walks by every day. He has a Tushy brand bidet

that we all received and he knows it would take 10 minutes but he can't do it he literally said it's impossible and that he cannot do it and that's my way that's my way well so when it comes to calling you to find out how thick with cream his blood is i'm sure he's not in a hurry to do that either well yeah i just didn't know that she said nothing bad. So I thought, okay, I'll call her tomorrow. I thought maybe she was off today so I could call her tomorrow. I didn't know what she wanted to do.

But apparently she wants to make sure I get these meds sooner than later. Yeah, it's a race against the clock. We don't get stuff here quick so i'm gonna get those meds in like three weeks what meds did they put you on uh they she wants my blood to be uh blue instead of red so there's like it's like mostly dye in a pill that is good uh i'm on orange dye you're going orange all right well my blood's really yellow so we're putting some orange in there to red it out um uh no i have to take a statin i can't remember which one for my cholesterol not already 41 on a statin yeah that's when a lot of people start.

If they don't in college. It's called the old man's Mentos. It's usually for men over 65, but you're getting a jump on it. Oh, yeah, for sure. You don't know anything. And also, you're on a bunch of pills. I see you take pills. I'm not on a bunch of pills, but I would.

I'm going to start calling you Pete Davidson because you're the king of Staten Island. Yes. I might be on two hours sleep, but I still have it in me. But you're still talking too much. But I do want to know, you were so high. When we were talking, I was like, eh. Even when Becker said whatever he said that maybe you were on 600 megs i was like it's been two hours he has another two hours but when we got off the pod and i told megan we were both just like holy shit also you didn't tell emily were you keeping that

from her i didn't want her to be worried well tell her now because fucking you've been home for four hours and then i mention it and she's like what and i was like you tattled what it's not tattling it's fucking thinking that you told her stuff no and you hadn't for some weird reason because because i didn't want her to know that i was smoking weed while driving and that when i was smoking the weed that a pen exploded and then i drove over a bridge just completely gorked out of my dome you can't tell her that when you're home i literally told you at the beginning of that episode i don't want anyone to be mad at me i'm worried that everyone's gonna be mad at me and then you told the one person you were actually might be mad at me well so i didn't

tell her shit you can you can uh not say anything because all i said was that you talked a lot about how crazy the gig was and about your vape breaking that's literally all i said so lie to her well whatever you want because i thought i thought this thing of ours was older than our marriages i thought that we had an ancient pact but no i don't think some lady one lady puts her fucking finger up your ass and all of a sudden you're spilling all the goddamn beans she left it in there for i think longer than medically necessary yeah she was stirring the soup she calls it. She does that to you and you like it?

Or do you not like it, but you let her do it? But you let her do it. Because she's a doctor. Well, yeah, she also has a gun to my head. She says, soup's on. Then we watch your special and she fucks me in my butt. I, you heard what I said. So take that sideways take that however you want and uh yeah i figured i can understand you not saying anything yesterday but you're home now so yeah

i thought you could say oh yeah i got really high and it was scary no, not everything is up for public consumption. We talked about it for the whole pod. Right. I know she doesn't listen. She's not a Patreon subscriber. God. All right. Well. She doesn't support me at all.

She's quote unquote over it. She's quote unquote over my need for this guy to come help. She said that she's going to the gym and that's why we could podcast. It turns out she's going to some guy named Jim's house. You guys are getting freaky. Well, you're eight years into a marriage. You start to spice things up.

I would hate that. Yeah. Yeah, it's a weird move. You'd like it. No, it it's too much i've thought about it and it would be too much you would think about it too much you'd wonder you'd worry even when people say that they don't care almost all of them do if you truly didn't care it would be fun but it's almost impossible not to care to just be like yeah who cares just get blasted you've probably been in an open relationship before right how'd that go for you oh it sucks ass super producer becker was sideways for three minutes it told me it told

me to do that and never corrected and my volume hasn't adjusted on the app yet, so it should turn down for you shortly. But yeah, relationships are bullshit. They suck. They're terrible. Look, I have like Superman hair. I look like Clark Kent. That's exactly what you look like. Right?

Yes. You look like the moon in that French, that like first French movie ever. What's it called? The Rocket. The Rocket gets shot to the moon. It's like eight minutes long. It's not Clair de Lune, right? That's a song.

It's about me playing hearts with my grandma. I used to shoot the damn moon all the time on her blind date. Oh, all the time. her blind desk. Oh, all the time. She would cheat and gin rummy. I would cheat in hearts. It was a good thing we had. You would cheat and you knew.

Yeah. My grandma looked like an armadillo by the time she was like 65 and she couldn't see very well, but she'd keep driving us to school. And, uh, yeah, I would just cheat in hearts and say that i shot the moon uh but it would be like the queen of clubs she didn't know anything damn that's cold she barely knew english you know she knew it well she wasn't like

javier no no no she didn't know no no no she let you do whatever you wanted oh god i wish you would have said no no no and i wouldn't be obese that would be chasen lunn's record over here yeah she should have said no no no you don't need a fifth cherry pepsi no no oh god oh how about you don't open a second sleeve of townhouse crackers and dip them in ranch dressing you already had one you know the whole sleeve pal oh yeah that was a big one uh-huh go on sleeve yeah oh how about this what dude two uh two microwavable burritos wrapped up in a bigger tortilla and inside of that tortilla you just fill it with cheese like you're trying to mortar into bricks.

That was a big one. Yep. She should have said, no, no. No, no. Gordito Hoven. No, no. Two burritos.

The little ones, right? Like frozen ones, Monterey. Yeah, yeah. Uh-huh. Elray, like the worst ones. Yeah, no. Two burritos. The little ones, right? Like frozen ones, Monterey. Yeah, yeah. Uh-huh. Elray, like the worst ones. Yeah, dollar. That have ever been a thing. Dollar for sure.

Yeah, they were so cheap. Oh, God. I don't know if I got into that. Like 79 cents. They're like the green chili one just has like straight up horse meat in it. It didn't matter. Yeah. Yeah, it barely counts as human food.

Mm-hmm. Oh. Fuck i i called it cookie cereal i would just get oreos out and i would crumble them all up and then i would eat them with half and half oh my god cookie cereal man and now no one did anything no one stopped me everybody so many adults were watching it wasn't even that you were left alone and no didn't know any better i was like i sat down and ate it at a dinner table surrounded by three adults like yeah after we just had adult dinner i'd'd be like, oh, time for cookie cereal. Oh, shit. Cookie cereal. All right. Very good. Yeah. Dude, have I ever told you guys about fucking my grandpa laughing at Maury Povich until

he almost passed out? No. I don't think so. No? No. Dude. So, I'm writing this thing for this magazine, and I initially set out to start writing about like food, but then I just start writing about like food but then i

just started writing about my relationship with food and uh i remember this thing about my grandpa because i would like we would like watch mori and i would like fucking delete an entire six pack of cherry pepsi over the course of like a single episode of mori man fuck man dude the hardest I've ever seen anyone laugh ever for a prolonged period of time was my grandfather watching an episode of Maury called my baby weighs 99 pounds

and it was just like the most broken down like worn out exhausted hollow eyed parents. And then they're just preposterously fat kids. And the first kid, he couldn't walk because he was so fat. So they brought him out in a wheelbarrow. Like you last night with Bamsfield. Right, yeah. like you last night with bamsfield they brought this kid out a wheelbarrow and then just like dumped him out and then they had like a top down camera like overhead camera of all the kids in this like

pen they built for them and they couldn't sit up so they were just like on their backs because they're not walking yet no i mean well some of them were like three but they couldn't walk because they were so enormous holy shit oh my god i don't remember watching that and we never talked about that which grandpa dude my grandpa over my dad's dad uh and he would like rock and like like the night commercials would come along he would like try and get it together but uh he was just like wiping his tears and saying like shit god damn just throughout the commercial and then of course they would come back and like have a baby with a giant pumpkin next to it like for comparison

sorry yeah i just remember that he lost it for a whole hour so are you gonna tell us what happened or do you want to save it for patreon so that you can keep lying to your wife what are you thinking no no so did i talk to you guys before or after i did the show before after i did the show no you had two hours before the show was gonna happen did we talk i just told you we talked for two hours or we talked until you had like two hours before the show wait no we plotted on friday uh-huh right so i did we talked about like the show that i didn't launch that terrible yes Yes. Yes. Right. No, it was all that. And then you drive the vape breaking. Yeah.

Yeah. Allegedly. Sorry guys. And then somebody slurping it off of your hand. Maybe you, maybe somebody. Yeah. Yes.

So I, yeah. I'm a possible deniability. So on a Friday. Patriot deniability. You are the truth. You have to pay for it, bitch.

You're not getting anything out of me doctor yeah no uh friday night i did the show and i was like you know i don't know i was high but i was also in that come down it was kind of like when you come down from mushrooms and you just have like this like peace. But, you know, if you think about it too much, you're going to get anxious. So you just kind of have to like not think. And I had to do a show with like that type of mindset. I did really good. I got really far out there.

When were you at your highest? Oh, my God. I was at my highest probably after the pod no i probably like a half hour before i got on the pod with you guys and i think being with you guys like brought me down which was good wow because i also like hadn't talked remember like i'm in a car by myself just like pinned just losing it so yeah i'd be able to talk to you guys for an hour was very cathartic just telling yourself that you're driving so you don't forget i'm driving uh well because yeah that was another thing that was nuts was getting uh done with the pod and telling megan and wondering if you were about to be like twice as high as you

had been at your highest because who knows you know we didn't know how much you had had no except for i didn't need dinner math i didn't need dinner until after the show and then i felt like really exhausted and stupid because i think that all the fatty. I had a club sandwich for dinner. And I think that re-kicked in whatever was like caught in my pipes. And then I slept until like two the next day. And then me and Bamfield. Shout out Elena Bamfield, 27 years old. Did a great job.

But she's like 95 pounds and looks like a cheerleader. And I look like this. So just like everywhere we went together it looked like i had like kidnapped my daughter and we were driving north to canada because there's no reason there's no reason we ever would have been together unless we were that she would want to hang out with you no yeah and i mean like also why would i want to hang out with her she's a she's a baby and I'm a grown man, you know? Yeah.

But the condo, she would, like, have her pajamas on, and I'd be wearing, like, sweatpants. We have dual Becker vision. All right. He's having his own show over there. Yeah, I'm not about to burn my house down. Becker reaction video to the pod? Becker's pissed.

Yeah. Your internet's being weird again? It's my computer. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Okay. We just fire up one of those crazy blobs that keep you wrecked and wet. Another thing that's funny to think about is if somebody saw you in

bamfield because she as far as i know typically wears like baggy clothes so it looked like you you put her in clothes that were yours or used to be yours or are your fat sons that you like you're trying like you said you're trying to smuggle her away from like she's like your stepkid and you're trying to get her away before her mom knows that you're both gone and so yeah well hopefully she's my stepkid and i didn't just abduct a child because it could have been like an episode of svu where it's like i abduct a little boy that i make him wear a wig so he looks like a girl and they can't find him. Yeah, normally she likes to dress like cute, like a typical femme

young woman, but you've got her in a giant sweatshirt so that nobody recognizes her until you can get a couple states out. Yeah, I have her in a Hartford Whalers hockey shirt. My grandma did that to my dad, and none of us knew until we found the photos after she died. But when they lived in Guatemala, she dressed them up as a little girl so they wouldn't get kidnapped because little boys were worth more money down there in the 50s.

What? Why were they in Guatemala? Was your family part of the octopus murders no my dad's dad was like a crazy person but he laid roads back when that was a big deal

and he was he got really good at it and was like a test engineer for cat so he would test out new equipment for him cat Williams tested out new bits on him cat williams cat williams tested out new bits on him that would have been awesome why a little boy worth more money that's your cat him and another guy who worked with a cat worked out this deal to go pay all the roads in Guatemala in like 1953, 1954,

and they were supposed to go in 55. So he left without my pregnant grandma. She had my dad in Oregon, and then they immediately got on a train down to Guatemala to join him. And they were down there for like four years. But while they were down there, they had to leave overnight, left all their belongings and cars because the revolution started. it was like hey white people get the fuck out now

but we found pictures of my dad in like sailor dresses with long like shirley temple curled hair he was so mad it was like one of the best family days i've ever had. Why have I never heard about this before? I forgot about that story. My dad was dressed as a little girl for three years. That's all we needed was one story. I thought we were going to get zero. We got one. We got one, man.

Because you remember? Baboon. Okay. baboon okay soy una chiquita my grandma was mad about it as an old woman because of how bad it would shit all over her house in Guatemala okay it would come up and she'd get like freshly

pissed as if it had just happened the day before oh my god the ape shit the house too much that's megan's main complaint about lunch no she wishes i would shit somewhere other than the toilet because i trap her in the bedroom she can't get to the kitchen fuck uh sorry i i'm i'm i'm exhausted and i'm giggly and you just every fucking time you open your mouth oh so yeah the show went fine i kind of uh i wore it the first show Saturday. Oh, there were two. Holy shit.

Two Saturday. Yeah. Only one Friday. And, you know, I like opened up with a bit about how the condo that me and Elena were staying at looked like an episode of To Catch a Predator. Like she was the bait and I was the, you know, guy showing up with wine coolers. And that just turned them all off right away. Yeah, that was weird uh also emily's aunt and uncle were there and they just kind of saw me like eat it which was awesome wait when were you today i'm i've been super high for the last week you were super high

yesterday on i was super high on thursday friday No. Oh, on Friday. Yeah. Yes. Okay. On the drive back from the UP to Traverse City where I had my first show Friday, I got really high and I had a good first show on Friday and everyone loved it. And then all the comics like called their friends and said, you got to come see this guy. And they're at the first show Saturday. And I, it was like the crowd said hey are you hungry

for your own ass because you should eat some of it in front of us and then i did and mike mike and bridget were there yeah i would have pissed off becker's grandma because i was shitting all over the house and then of course i was furious. I didn't talk to anyone after the show. There wasn't a green room, so I just had to sit looking at the bar with my back turned. It was very bizarre. Cover, like, duck down. Yeah. Like, Bamfield's out there talking to people.

Big newspaper. Oh, yeah. And also, the people are so stupid that they say that was great. And it's like, no, it wasn't shut up there was a really drunk woman who kept yelling out cherries because i was riffing about cherry republic which is their big store up there traverse city's the cherry capital and then she kept yelling cherries and then i like uh you know wanted to stand on her until she was an inch. Smush her down. I wanted to freeze her. Yeah.

What are you doing, Lon? George Michael's here. He just got a haircut. He was all scruffy. Whoa. Emmy left your phone out. I saw your results. He's saying goodbye. He hasn't left my side for the last few days because he knows yeah uh that something's wrong that's a lot of times that's with cats but it's also george mike he was rolling around in my undies because it had the death sent in there

like i was carrying like he said horrific uh now guys i actually did something i had a couple things happen that i was gonna mention go ahead oh good yeah please go no you no no go ahead no no i what's your thing to go because what's your little thing well mine's a surprise that i did i had some people send in uh some questions that they wanted me to ask you guys. And I didn't Is that real or is it a fucking bit? Why don't you ever

If that's real, go ahead. If it's a bit that you just came up with, then no. No. Aaron McGinn asks, have you ever done something embarrassing around a former crush? Yeah. What? I'm sure. What was it?

I've been drunk. I don't know. Are you trying to set me up with a particular thing that I did to Aaron or what? No. Do you know Aaron McGinn? Is it not our friend from San Francisco? Isn't that her name? No.

No, I don't think so. Girl Aaron? Or is it boy Aaron? All right. I don't know why this bit would work. I went to random question generator.com and was just going to ask you guys random questions, but then I guess I biffed the name.

I couldn't come up with a fake name, I guess. Damn it. Fuck. I'm trying to see and then you just didn't trust me which was I guess right but hurts

damn huh yeah Aaron McGinn is our friend in San Francisco you fool yeah damn it I'm taking notes. I'm going to write down. I was like, what are you doing?

All right. So, let me tell you what happened to me. Please. Because on Monday, because I had these two things and then you just were on fire. So, we had to ride that wave. I was literally on fire. I went up to. I was like that guy protesting the war.

You were the human torch. Yeah. Whoa. So Monday, Megan and I went up to Pueblo so that she could get drinks and things, snacks for mutiny at Sam's Club. And we loaded up the Iguanpreza. What? She drinking again? Is that what you said? No.

Oh, sorry. Yeah. Are you super high again? Did you lick shit off of your hand? No, I'm just tired. I got like an hour and a half of sleep. Alright, so shut up. So take a nap. Okay. And I'll talk to Becker.

We go and she... We load up the car and we turn left to go on to I-25. And as we're turning left, we have the arrow. There are three vehicles coming the other way on to I-25 and none of them yield. They all just either stop, dude. God. I'm acting it out. Why? Because there's audio impaired listeners fine i won't do anything so the two trucks go ahead of me but the the car behind me that still tried to just go through me slams on his brakes, whatever.

And it's like, dude, okay, all three of you are insane. And the two trucks just go. But then the car fucking comes around, gets in front of me, and slows down to like 30 miles an hour. And I try to get around him, but I can't whip because I've got three 500 pounds of groceries weighing down the car. And Megan's with me. So I can't like be a maniac. But I'm so mad because I know right away he fucked up. And then he is shitty to me about it. And so slows down.

is shitty to me about it and so slows down and i it's funny too because i've thought about if somebody were pissing me off while driving the thing i would do is get in front of them and slow way down because you're not like it's not super dangerous but it is like infuriating right oh it's a ton of fun oh yes and i i haven't done this becker oh yeah i haven't done it but i've thought oh yeah that's a good move so he's getting me with a move that i have thought about uh employing myself and i'm so mad i'm not swearing i'm like a volcano you know i'm just like rumbling and i'm very quiet because i'm trying to think, what do I do? I can't kill him, but how can I hurt him? And I was – I got – so in Pueblo on the highway, instead of 75, it goes down to 55.

But we're doing 30, and there's traffic piling up quick, including a semi like right behind me. I'm just like, holy shit. Like, I'm so mad. What do I do? I have to be I have to get Megan home safe. But all I want to do is like ruin this guy, like not kill him, but maim him and make it so he can never drive again, whatever. Or, you know, he becomes a car like he can't leave the car. So he's never drive again, whatever. Or, you know, he becomes a car. Like, he can't leave the car, so he's a human car or whatever.

Like, cause a wreck that makes him fused to the car forever. And the only way he can live is by me driving that car. And I, like, only drive it enough to keep him barely alive. Just all these things. only drive it enough to keep him barely alive just all these things and he he stays in front of me for like three two exits for like a few miles of pueblo and i'm just like oh my god i'm gonna fuck it what how is this gonna how's this end you know me in jail both of us dead all three of us dead but no eventually he fucking decides to just like take an exit. But holy shit.

I was so mad because it was all his fault. I didn't do something stupid. Oh shit. I'm being an idiot. I'm not paying attention. And I almost, you know, caused a wreck and now you're pissed at me. No, he was a fucking moron. So yeah. That's also when I become the most dangerous.

It's like when somebody fucked up and then treats me like I'm a fuck up on the road. Like, you're the spy. You get accused of being a spy when you're the smartest person in town. Yeah, it was a lot. And, God, just that thing, that place you go to where you have to keep it together you can't become an animal even though every part of your body wants you to just be a baboon just yeah i get i have to get them out of the car so that i can hurt what wrestling move am i gonna do a submission or a power bomb type thing do i want big impact or do i want to work manipulate a joint until it snaps

oh my god and i couldn't see him he was in like a chevy bolt with super dark tinted windows so i couldn't see anything about the person the driver so you didn't even have anyone to direct to that just a car just a license plate that started with ugc i believe and i won't be on the lookout for that motherfucker for the rest of my life i go through i drive through pueblo all the time it's not insane to think that we could meet again when I don't have a bunch of groceries and I don't have a wife

in the car. Therefore, I can do whatever I want. No. It would be so hard to not follow him if I actually came across him any time in the near future. I want to do the pitman route. Every time somebody pisses me off that way, I like all i gotta do is line up our bumpers four inches and this is over i'm putting him in

the fucking media and then i have to like deep breath talk myself out of it sam thoughts yes i love it I love the story you built. You built upon what you put out there. Becker's contributions were great. I was just watching more as a fan than anything. Just, you know, when I literally leave this pod. I did too.

You wanted to be a car. That's right. And Becker is using new deodorant in his pits i was listening the other thing that happened that was funny hold on let me tell me no no what i thought was funny about what you said was no no uh you talked for four minutes straight now what i wanted to say nine minutes straight we had a long episode last time i you got i was entertaining i was telling you guys about my trauma i was sharing stories so they wouldn't be forgotten uh it's just funny to think that you didn't pull over

because your groceries he said you said the groceries first you said i want to find him when i don't have 500 pounds of groceries and my wife's not there. I think that you and Creech should go on a cross-country killing spree. I think that's what's next for you two. Natural born killers. You and Creech, one of the dogs. That's the first thing you do is you make that hard decision. It's a one dog job.

You kill one of the dogs and then you're like get addicted to the feeling and then you go into the hater free zone and you settle the score there you hey there's a hater here and you have an axe and you free him yeah hey who's there you better not be a hater oh we don't hate we're nothing but pure love i don't feel anything yeah yeah in the hellraiser killing pain is love creech creech covers herself with the blood Oh, we don't hate. We're nothing but pure love. I don't feel anything. Yeah, yeah. Go in there. In Hellraiser. Kill him. Pain is love.

Creech covers herself with the blood. You guys have sex. The mom walks in on it. You take that into your own hands. Next thing you know, it's a crazy blood-fueled three-way. And then you guys just hop in the fucking car with, I'm assuming,orge michael and you just hit route 66 and you just i never talked to you again until you call me from jail i know your phone number so yeah if if i get a call i don't know if i make it to the phone call

because that would mean i was taken in they would take you in for sure no oh yeah a lie yeah because you yeah They're gonna be like hey come out Let the hostages loose and we'll give you a crunch wrap supreme And you're like it better be fire sauce And they're like black bean Yeah black bean They'd probably get me to come in And like go undercover And like get some dirt on you guys

And I'd turn you over so you'd free Becker Then we'd be the pod from jail get some dirt on you guys and I'd turn you over so you'd free Becker. Then we'd be the pod from jail. If mutiny goes under, then yeah, we're untethered. And then we're just loose. We just live. Well, if that happens, we'll move to Detroit. That's what everyone's doing.

Yeah. With a trail of bodies between here and D-Town. D-Town Carlo, I almost said. D-Town Mishy. Yeah. You get away with a bunch of murders on the way there, dude. Super easy. No.

Like, it's... Yeah, like, as... There's cameras everywhere. Every gas station. Every traffic light. Every semi. I just had some fun in the UP. I wasn't worried about cameras then. Yeah, and you're going to get caught.

No, I won't. And if I do, I'll have another tale to tell. You have to be a cop, I think, to get away with a bunch of shit. Because then... Look at my fucking head. You got the whole system behind you. This is why murders are unsolved. Yeah, I guess that's true.

TV just makes it feel like they solve a lot of them. That is true. I think it's in the high 80s. Of unsolved murders? Yeah, I think like 85% of murders go unsolved. What the hell? Those are good stats. Lun, you can get away with it.

The trick is to not kill somebody you know. Yeah, and also don't leave behind a bunch of fucking Veggie Crunchwrap rappers, because then they're going to call you the Veggie Crunchwrap killers, and you don't want that. Crunchwrap rappers because then they're going to call you the Veggie Crunchwrap Killers and you don't want that. Let me say the other thing because it's quick.

Please. I got woken up a few days ago to the door. Go ahead. Barking real hard and so I thought maybe somebody was at the door and when I got to the door, I saw somebody. It looked like somebody leaving a sticky note like UPS or FedEx.

We missed you, but we need a signature. So I put a hoodie on real quick and go out there, and it turns out it's two guys. One of them's already outside of the gate one is leaving and i look down to grab the thing that i think is a note i turn it over it's fucking jesus those jehovah's witnesses two white guys in suits the two look like two of the most boring motherfuckers you could ever invent and i i woke up 30 seconds ago right so it's just so confusing and i when i bend down and see the thing about oh the good news huh your pants ripped no i'm like oh the good news i was i just go i just go, oh, all right. Well, have a good one.

And I go back to go back into the house and the guys get confused because I came out. I like close the door behind me to grab the thing because I don't want to deal with the dogs. dogs and uh so i they see a guy who comes out and bends over to pick up the the pamphlet and to get excited i think that they're going to be able to talk to me hey come on i want to talk to you guys and then they're like oh gross never mind there's not room in god's kingdom for you sir they left one of these and said hey you're gonna need this yeah where you're going uh you're gonna need two so they gave me a backup but no it's just funny because the guy one of them i think was excited and then when i immediately turned around and went back inside i heard the one say to the other oh he's going back in

thank god no no they were sad they got their suits on they're ready to fucking recruit there's a war that's about to happen and they need souls and they need big guys

I think that this was the time for the poncho no undies you should have gone out there shoeless bottomless poncho barely covering up your dangus and then when you say hey okay joe was witnesses and then you just hit him with the stump you just fucking whip that thing up and you you let him see where babies feed. Witness this. You came all the way down Fury Road. I might as well show you the master and the blaster. Did you say anything about your testosterone?

Oh, go ahead. No, we didn't. I'll have to ask her because I don't. I didn't bring it up but I might as well see it's probably a negative number which isn't possible

but yeah I'll have to ask I think there's an app another fucking app for bleep I mean bleep it uh that i haven't signed up for so i haven't i haven't seen my results but emily just said yeah i gotta change the blood color and then try to make less of it

they should take your blood and they should get like a strainer like a cheesecloth and just run all your blood through it and get all the curds out of it and then we could uh have the cheese curds with all the fat that's in your blood make butter out of it uh oh you know what's good speaking of being healthy you know what's good? Speaking of being healthy, you know what's good is Megan and I got Domino's yesterday. Oh, God. And baked feta. Oh, I thought you were going to say you have Dominican neighbors and you were trying to play a game. But no, you mean the pizza chain.

We got pizza and we got feta as a topping. Holy shit. Baked feta. It ruled. It's a whole other level of feta. It's one of the toppings on my namesake pizza. Oh, shit. I didn't even think about that. Yeah, the Becktown.

You've got a pizza named after you? But it's bacon, feta, and red onion. Yeah, man. I like it. I like that get rid i guess i never really was able to get the becker because of the bacon because of the embargo no and so i'd always get like treaty you signed mostly veggie pizzas damn but yeah feta as a pizza topping rules good job becker it's it's a bit much though it's a little much sometimes it's salty as hell you gotta spread it out my sodium's through the roof i believe it i believe nothing was through the roof yeah right we needed to through the roof. Yeah, right. We definitely needed to raise the roof in order to prevent it from breaking.

I'm excited for this weight loss journey. I'll go on it with you, man. I'll keep you in check on the road. Yeah, I got to try. The main thing I keep thinking, because I feel like I don't eat as much absolute trash, like fast food, red meat, whatever. Like, typical shit, but it's the volume. It's the amount of, God, if I could just. You're like Jaws.

You just open your mouth and filter feed. I'm just going for the record. I'm going to stop going for the record. You got to quit eating undercooked chicken out of the trash in arizona i mean there's just some things where you're like hey buddy no i want to tell you no at least once a weekend where i'm like just no buddy i'm sorry so that's what you keep thinking about is eating less i keep thinking about hiring noah to ride you around like a jockey and you just have to carry Noah everywhere.

And you get ripped from just carrying 130 pounds of redheaded semite just on your back. Yeah, that would help. Yeah, that'd be great. And then we bring him on planes as your emotional support human. And you have him on a leash. My buffer, because he's sitting in the middle seat. And I don't have to worry as much about getting up against him. That's part of his job. Just take it. Dude, that would

be so funny. Is to not say anything. To hire a guy to fly with me and sit in the middle. That's his whole job. He's little. I would like to hire Adam Gilbert to sit in the middle and that way I don't have to worry about crushing the person next to me. That's what

I want to do. Yeah, to not have to feel bad. That's the way we go. That's the way I don't have to worry about crushing the person next to me. That's what I want to do. Yeah. To not have to feel bad. That's the way we go. That's the way I go instead of losing weight so that I don't creep over. Can you hire a tiny? Just, yeah, get somebody in between. Well, I think we're going to need to put in, you need a shock collar and Becker needs the remote.

And then he's going to zap you and then you get up and you go on a walk. I could buy the seat and have nobody there, but I put Noah there. It's like a weird power play. Yeah, it's psychosexual. I'm getting off. Uh-huh. You dress him up like Becker's dad. Little sailorette costume.

This is my daughter. Shirley Temple ringlets. You make him skid a marinky dinky dink every day at noon to wake you up. Eatin' a watermelon in Guatemala. Guatemala, Guatemala. eating a watermelon in guatemala guatemala guatemala that sounds like an afro man lyric eating watermelon in guatemala yes i met him at the cincinnati airport how long did you talk to him about 20 seconds i said hey man i used to get laid to your songs and he said i think i need 10 of that pussy i think he said i need i want some

residuals on that pussy and i took a picture with him by his like lime green caddy he was sick whoa cincinnati is he living there i think he lives in kentucky i think he's one of these guys that has like a farm in kentucky and just like shoots guns at the moon and drinks Robitussin. You know, and his wife probably knits and doesn't shave her legs. It's a nice life. That's what Galifianakis did in North Carolina. You get a farm.

Yeah. I need a farm for you so I can charge people to come look at you. Just put me in the cornfield and I'll make a maze. I'll eat strategically so that we have a an attraction and we have corn and you could have you could drive in the cornfield like you liked during wide world you could yeah i can't wait to get that footage back dude that footage of me running across the field as the sun goes down and it's just a plane of like orange and

a plane of yellow is we're making fucking movies over here man i cannot wait i cannot wait until we're just given the keys to some kind of development deal and we can just make the fucking sam t and becker featuring lund movie it's gonna be huge we watched uh episode i showed megan episode two she liked episode one but she didn't laugh hard like throughout but episode two got her going pretty good amen so i was happy with that wait till you see some of the surprises we've got for wide world three my god yeah man this my God. Yeah, man. This episode alone, I've already sunk $1,700 into. So. On top of. It better all pay off.

You're saying in post-production. Oh yeah. No, not just in like, you know, getting you guys over to Japan, making sure my little princes felt like polished little keyboard pellets. Uh,

what? So, no, yeah. Go to bed. I gotta go to bed. Yep, go to the bedroom, Sam. Yeah, no, Wide World 3, this is gonna be sick.

And then we're going to a little place I like to call Aparu. They hate that you call it that they do yeah uh shit well i'm glad i'm gonna see you this weekend oh yeah lun what are you doing tomorrow monday nothing can you come up here and do voiceover for that bit we want to do for the next episode pat's coming down yes yeah all right man we got lun that's gonna be huge that's what i'm gonna say when you walk in the door uh emmy will be excited to see you she'll have her big boys will be the big boy squad featuring emmy is he gonna get there tomorrow oh yeah he's coming on the first train oh wait it might be looks like a storm is coming shut up

it's supposed to snow he's got a death wish he'll be fine maybe i make it up maybe i don't maybe you make up an excuse no but go to bed yeah i need to go to bed. Katarina's downstairs. What? No. No, I'm saying what I want. I'm glad that she's down there. I'm glad she's here, but I want to have intercourse with my wife, but we've got a 27-year-old

cock blocking. I just had nothing but 27-year-olds. It's a big house. Yeah, I know, but she's going to know. She's 27. She's be there she's gonna hear emmy scream oh my god it's so much i can't believe it all got in there gee whiz it's so i'm full oh my god I'm full Jizz whiz It's like someone's feeding me a Chipotle burrito

G whiz turns into we jizz Yeah that's I worked at we jizz for a while It was a communal masturbatory space Is Katarina going to be there tomorrow No Alright so yeah I can't make it It's already snowing like crazy

Shut up But we will be together this weekend in Fort Worth All right, so yeah, I can't make it. It's already snowing like crazy. Shut up. But we will be together this weekend in Fort Worth. I'll be with you in Bloomington. I'm about to have a poster for Tara Hote, thanks to Chad Textbook. I think I'm going to come feature for you in Tara Hote. Yeah, maybe let me do my own thing. No, you should.

I don't want to see you that bad. That'll be the first time I see you after my fucking trip abroad. I won't see you for three weeks. Yeah, that's right. That sucks. What are we going to do? Reunion. Maybe install that tushy, but no promises. Yeah.

Come see us in Dallas. Come see us in Bloomington. Come see me in Providence. SamTalent.com. Go over to WideWorld and subscribe. It's SamTalent on YouTube. Subscribe to that thing. Like, comment, all that shit. Is episode three coming out this week? Well, yeah, I mean, we're not going to

rush anything. Me and Pat were trying to stick to this whole, like, every two weeks thing, but that's impossible. So we've had three weeks, and whenever Pat's happy with it, because, you know, he's pretty much scraping the marrow out of the bones for this one. But a lot of Crow stuff. I'll tease that. A lot of Crow stuff in this episode. Nice. And patreon.com slash chubby behemoth.

My God, join up. We had one of the all-time episodes this week uh the gauntlet probably my favorite which i don't feel so strongly right away it's only like revisiting that i can be like oh yeah that was one of the best ones this one i knew right away it crazy. It was a wild story of a man fucking crushing his weed pen and then licking all the goo and then having to drive. So join up. We love you.

Pimps up, hose down, uh, Becker guys, unite Lund guys. Uh, there's still time to come over to Sam T nation. Uh,

one guys pick the bones.