Chubby Behemoth - Lung Diabetes

Episode Date: May 21, 2024

SPONSOR: Your summer wardrobe awaits! Get 20% off @chubbies with the code CHUBBY at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/chubby #chubbiespod BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth Matt Cobos at Comedy Works: https://comedyworks.com/comedians/matt-cobos   This week Sam is with Matt Cobos and Patrick Richardson. Sam explores the Croc smell, tells us about what his wife and Morph have in common, and tells us about a Playboy release party he went to. Pat looked like a pudding enthusiast, met a cool baby with a bucket hat, and doesn’t flirt before coffee. Cobos is headlining the legendary Comedy Works on May 31st! Matt also shoehorns in some bridge news, is worried about latching, and rented some shitty bikes.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

Welcome to this week's episode of Sam's Talent Does His Friends a Favor. We are joined today by a repeat guest, probably the number one guest on this podcast, Pat Richardson. And he brought his associate, my mentor, my father figure. Besides you of course. Right. We're co-parenting. No we're not. I've taken a lot more of the crux of him upon me while you're out fucking old broads.

While you're bumping dust off your old bag. You raise him but he wants to be like me. Right yeah because he gets turned on by opening up an old book and blowing the dust off the pages. Which is what you call cracking into your lady. No we're here with Matt. Happy birthday Kel. Happy birthday Kel. Matt Kobos has been in a long term relationship with a woman that we all admire. Sweet Kel. It was her birthday yesterday, two days ago. Yeah, Saturday, two days ago. Who cares?

And just say, yes and, Cobos. Yep. This isn't the Patrick and Cobos podcast. What do you guys call it, the number 10? You almost got it right. Cobos Patrick podcast. And guys, look, I get hit up all the time saying, what podcast should I be listening to

if I'm into Chubby Behemoth? And I never mention yours. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, I get flown in as an expert on what are cool pods that are just for dudes. I speak at these symposiums and I'm constantly forgetting y'alls. Yeah. I think that besides you guys, our two podcasts are the best for Denver comedy lore. You know, we lore to, you know, I mean, you're very green.

I use the word lore loosely. Yeah, we talk shit about people. Yeah, that's what you also need. Or soap loosely. The man stinks. Yeah. No, one of us does stink in this room. And I'm going to pull back the curtain a little bit. It's me. All right. I was in this Hanes B.P.T. yesterday. I'm gonna pull back the curtain a little bit. It's me. All right? I showered. I was in this Hanes beefy tee yesterday.

I'm wearing, I've been in the same undies and shorts for maybe four days now. You're rocking out. I like to push it to the limit. Right to the bleeding edge of what's okay. That's where I exist. And also these shoes. Crocs.

Crocs as we call them in the industry. They really, they create a unique smell between the foot sock and croc. Ooh like different than a regular shoe. Did you guys ever wear jelly sandals when you were little? No but they were awesome. I know you're talking about. Did they have those in Ciudad de Mexico? Yeah we made them. When you were like, Abuela Abuela, mas naranjas! Por favor, mas naranjas! Mi juego es no fuerte! He had weak juice, is what I was saying. He wanted more oranges, because his juice was weak. I don't know how to say weak, so I said not strong.

Yeah, no, the jelly sandals were huge. You remember? Oh yeah, for sure. Because you're my age. Yeah. How old are you? 38. 38. Wow, that makes sense.

Yeah. Makes sense you're Crip keeping in there. For sure. They're the same age. Yeah, I know. One of them looks good. They both look good in my opinion. One of them looks real good.

No, I mean, we were all in love with Kel. And I don't mean that in like a we want to pork it. It was like finally a cool girl in the crew. Yeah. Cause up until then we just had Mad Dog's girlfriend. Oh yeah. You know? Yeah, that's, yeah dude.

I don't want to name her. Yeah, please do. She somehow managed to live a very private life in Denver comedy. But yeah, we just had her and it was like, okay, she's down and then Kel fucking stumbled in holding two giant fucking NOS tanks. It was like like who wants to race for pinks? Let's get fast in the furious. We all had a shot with her. But none of us took it.

That's hilarious. That's so fucked. No I love your girlfriend, I love you and Kobos is on this podcast right now because he is friends with Pat Because you guys needed a place to pop And Pat woke me up right in the middle of I get these refractory like I wake up and I pee and then I go Back to bed. Yeah, and I just have refractory like I wake up and I pee and then I go back to bed Yeah, and I just have the most like violently lurid sexual dreams for like the last hour that I'm in bed What they're sexual that was it was very sexual. Who was you doing my wife, which is what's strange There was fun about my wife and sex dreams is she mutate. She's kind of like morph

That's kind of a thing you have in common. We have sex dreams about your wife. Yeah, I know. But in your dreams, you say mommy. She is somehow having sex with me and giving birth to a baby that's inside of me simultaneously. It's also you. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. She's fucking you while taking you out of yourself. Is that a dream you've had? No, no, no. I just have cool dreams where her boobs have a bunch of like sparkles on them. Yeah, they're wearing jellies. Right. They're wearing jellies. And then I have like a bike pump and I can just pump. And every time I pump, not only does my weenus tingle, but her hooters get bigger. Until eventually she floats away and then I keep pumping and she pops and she plummets to the earth. And then I get to stand over her and say, huh, no one saw this coming. I outlived you.

Yeah. Do you realize that it was plugged into your asshole so you don't know why every time you pumped her boobs got bigger? That's right. Yeah, dreams are sick, dude. Yeah. It turns out the magic was with me the whole time.

Yeah. Yeah, dude. Yeah, you woke me up. You were, there was trepidation in your voice. Well I had so much shit I had to pack up and it was 1040. Were you guys in different rooms? No. No.

Were you sleeping on the floor? No, it was two queens. Oh okay. Yeah, and we had two big beds. But you guys were sleeping in one bed. Two queens, two beds. It's fun to walk around and pretend to be gay. Dude.

And retarded. I was doing that a lot yesterday. I didn't care for that as much. You and Emily hated that. So Patrick was wearing... I looked retarded. Well, in the traditional sense, he did look like he was a pudding enthusiast. Black shoes with white socks is always

with giant basketball shorts. He's never opened a jar, but he has shattered it over a railing and then swallowed some glass. For sure. That's the kind of guy. He had basketball shorts on. He had a black t-shirt on. And he had Dwyane Wade's.

Dame 2's. He had Dame Lillard's, which are black shoes. You grew up in Colorado. Oh, yeah. Did you guys have to go to La Foray, that sleepaway camp? No. So in like fourth grade, we all went to La Foray. OK.

And I swear to God, every kid got on that bus with the same pair of brown Walmart hiking boots. OK. You know? Yeah. You know what? You know the ones I'm talking about. Like the Velcro ones?

Not Velcro, but right in the parameters It would make sense. Yeah, there was a kid named Richie side bottom who had velcro shoes Swear to God hand to death may I drop dead and let Odie eat out my ass until I my last thing that I do I was gonna say Odie's the one that stinks. No. No, I think it's me But yeah, these shoes were like it was like the state came by and was like, okay, you're 12 years old, here's your officially licensed state of Colorado hiking boots.

And Pat had that stomping around Denver while also doing, you know, this tall thing. Oh yeah. He's a lot of shake. He's really good at acting like he's developmentally challenged. I know, I mean, look at, it doesn't take much. No, it doesn't. You just gotta slack your jaw and like look above people's heads. I know, I mean, look at it. It doesn't take much. No, it doesn't. You just gotta slack your jaw

and like look above people's heads. I just love how method you are with it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, he hangs out with me. He does, but you're one of the least visibly retarded guys there is. Yeah, totally, yeah, yeah. Until he laughs and talks.

Right. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. Just walking around, I was like, oh, look at this board wax CEO Yeah, man. This guy made waxing the curb into a six-figure yearly income You look tubular Thank you cleared up you look great. Oh, thanks. Oh, you have to quit eating dairy

Yeah, you can know you want to eat the rest of this vegan stroopwafel? What? It's awful. It's a whole thing about you not being retarded. I take it back because you were just mystified by a vegan stroopwafel. He calls them Derek munchies. Yeah. Oh, let's talk about that woman at the coffee house. Okay. Well, she was going at the coffee house. Okay. Well, she was going to haunt me.

Yeah, she was tall. She was beautiful. She was tall, striking, harsh features. Harsh, interesting word. Well, like her eyes were definitely, you know, maybe not harsh, but they were all prominent in their own way. Usually someone's face is dominated like you have a mustache. Yeah.

That's your thing. That has those huge wet lips. Lund-esque lips. Yeah. You know. Me, I have a lot to offer. I have striking eyes when I don't wear glasses. You stink. Okay. Anyway, all of the different pieces of her face were very, they were their own thing. If you were gonna draft a face, they were all like first picks and she got them all. Yeah. And I walked in and I clocked her and she gave me like a, one of these. Yeah. Kind of like a.

The chin up, what's up? A look and then a hey. Okay. Kind of thing. And I was like, I fucking know this woman. So we wait in line, we get our coffee and then I go over to receive my coffee from her and I say, do I know you? She was like, of course not. No, look at you. How would we know each other? She just laughed in your face. I know that there's no God and the universe is chaos, but even those rules don't allow for us to know each other. You kind of look like a Gundam I used to pilot. I do, I do. I had like, I was a mech

for a while. You look like I could live inside you. That's what she said. A lot of people forget the mech years. This is before you guys started stand up. When Kel first came on the scene, I was actually doing a 10 foot Gundam act. Yeah, yeah. Have people from the crowd climb in you. Chris Sharpen tear mostly. Yeah, he occupied the crow's nest and he would yell, land ho and then pointed a woman. That's huge. They were set. There's like a period between the two. He'd say land ho and uh, and I'd get out my huge Gundam cock, which was new, you know, the pneumatic and it didn't, I didn't get a boner, but it popped off like a,

like a tarantula's penis, you know, like when they want to sting, that's how my cock would come out. out. Becker got a boner though. Becker got hard yeah yeah Becker was like finally a man for me. What for the what the what did he what was he talking about the in on the Gundam the word for like the turbines or something. Yes. Did you see the world? It was, yeah, did you see the... This is good. Anyway, so this woman, God, the king of podcasting, Pat Richardson, she works right down the street from you. I know, yeah, yeah. You live at 20th and Logan in Denver. Yeah. With your girlfriend and your dog. See me hanging out with all the homeless black dudes down there jamming tunes dude. Why do

they have to be black? Because they are. What's called the fountain. It's not a vegan. One time I drove by there and everyone in there was wearing Michael Vick jerseys. That kicks ass. They were all Eagles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were giving away all the white people with dogs. Bleep his address. It wasn't his exact address.

He was close enough. He's got a vulnerable sweet piece of ass. This is a job. You make Becker do it, bitch. I got an idea. I'm going to fucking wash my back so I can wash yours. But this woman was strikingly, she's tall and she had like a powerful like Amazonian elegance. And I was like, do you know my wife?

And she's like, what's your wife's name? I said, Emily. And she said, what's her last name? I said, Talia. And then she said, is she an actress? And I said, no, but she is quite dramatic. Oh, nice. And then she went, she went,

there was a crack in her veneer. Yeah. That was just. Dude, you're obsessed with her. I'm obsessed with these interactions with people. Every day I try and fill my day. You got it? You blow a gasket? This is me dying. I'll take the under. Yeah but then she was like, okay. And I got another laugh out of her.

And then we sat there on the couch and I just stared at Patrick. I stared forward as if I was having a peripheral conversation with Patrick. But I was just occupied with every movement she had. And I know that there was a point in my life, I'm guessing probably around 2006 to 2007, where I was obsessed with this woman. And I don't know who's trying to fuck her, but hey, let's peek behind the curtain. It probably was. But she might have been a girlfriend of one of my friends or we were in a class together, but I know that there was like a time where it was imperative that I impressed her for a long time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What did

you say? You said she had an Amazonian elegance? I'm sure she would love to hear that. I don't think she'd like to hear her body described or specific gender pronouns used. You're like, you know what? You would look great at the top of a tree. Yeah. You have a totem pole body. Yeah. And I'd like to carve it. Now that you've doxed her workplace. I haven't said the name of the place. And I'd like to carve it. Now that you've doxed her workplace. I haven't said the name of the place. Damn, I wanted to make a joke about the name of it. Why don't you do it in a fun, creative way?

Instead of the easiest possible way. She's gonna be working one day and it's just gonna be a line of wads out the door. Yeah, that's right. What the fuck is going on? We're here to meet the Amazonian. Yeah, we heard there's someone with Amazonian elegance in here.

We wanted to read her back tattoo. Yeah. Yeah, she has sharp features. She had a back tattoo that was available underneath her arm that said, make it hurt. Whoa, now I'm obsessed. Yeah. That's crazy.

Is that real? Yeah. Jesus. No. You think I'm just populating this world I've created with most delicious details. Yes, it was real, buddy. You know, that sounds like something you'd make up, but that's... Yeah. And then it was a tattoo of King Kong. Yeah. Yeah. She likes when a big giant man puts her in his mouth and carries her around the city. I didn't like the Calvin pissing on the NAACP logo tattoo. That was from a different time. Especially working that close to the chocolate triangle.

National advancement of child porn. Hey, ruin your own algorithm. God, you have a lot of edits you have to make. So, Cobose, me and Pat hang out all the time. I'm sure you're jealous. What is the deal? What's popping in the C-town? Cobose. You know, just chilling, getting ready for my headline date. That's why I'm on the deal. What's poppin' in the C-town? Co-boat. Oh, you know, just chillin', gettin' ready for my headline date. That's why I'm on the pod. That's why I'm very excited. Yeah, dude. You're on the pod because you're funny.

We don't have non-funny people on here. Yeah, that's true. Unless I've known them since I was eight years old. Yeah, yeah. And then we allow them to, they really take leeway with the allotted slurs. Yeah, dude, you shoulda heard Pat the other day, dude. I hear Pat.

I hear him asleep. I mentioned half of it. You did? I didn't mention the bad part because we were at Bori's house. OK, dude, we were at... I see you're only brave when you're alone. Well, it wasn't the right time or place. Speak your truth. I was quoting...

Don't do it on here. I'm sure you guys already did it on your pod, in which there's a hundred percent crossover between your listeners and our listeners. Well, yeah. You mean a hundred person crossover. It's a hundred percent crossover between your listeners and our listeners Yeah, even a hundred person crossover. It's a yeah our circles a tiny one inside yours You guys are a ghost nipple on the tit of chubby behemoth You're small, but you're the most important part of the of the duck. We're a cancerous lump on the tit Well, I don't like to describe him that way anymore

We're arguably part of the best chubby behemoth episode says the subreddit It's the gayest thing Reddit I'm hanging out with dick stinkly. I'm chilling dude. You mix it up in there. I mix it up I bully people. Yeah, but you can't ever say something nice they said about you because then that's weaponized. Yeah. That's, they do a Trojan horse where they're like, God, I love this podcast. Then you comment like, Hey, thanks, man. And then they're like, I'm going to rape your wife.

Oh, very good. Nice, nice twist on a new classic. Hey, Sam, the pod's great. Thanks buddy. Oh, your hands look like an 80 year old Asian woman's hands. Right, where's your penis? Yeah. I love Sam No Talent.

I've read that about a million times. Oh, I've never heard that. Fucking kill yourself. But Koblos is headlining the legendary Comedy Works on May 31st. Yep. Yep. And as the biggest podcast in Denver comedy. Yeah. Despite what the westward says, which makes me and what is it? Oh, it's a hundred percent. It's I'm assuming it's Grawlicks or City Cast Denver. The fuck is City Cast Denver? Brie Coco Davies hosts it and look I love her yeah but you want laughs per minute yeah you want to know where the sexiest

tall bitches work in comedy works headliners live and how old their partners are yeah listen to this yeah we fucking spit truth dude what the fuck are they saying they're probably't know, dude. They're probably just pumping fucking pumping like bridges and just random shit. Like, have you seen the bridge in Cuernavaca Park? Like fucking yeah. They update you on my 16th Street. I think Denver, I think Bridge News. Yeah, totally. Yeah, for sure. I know I'm supposed to yes and you, but I've been trying.

I don't want it to rail. But bridges. Listen, I've been trying to shoehorn Bridges in this whole fucking time. Oh, you're coming out as autistic. Yeah, totally. Yeah, dude. There was a girl who was a sophomore when I was a that's picking up a little bit. Not a bunch. Yeah. Oh, no. The fans heard where the girl worked. They got there early. This is live. The culling has begun.

There was a girl named Crystal Bridges who ended up being in Playboy. She was in my high school. That was pretty cool. And Nick Salazar just reminded me of a time where we went to her Playboy release party. What? Which was at a hotel convention center

over by ComedyWorks South. But it was back in the day like before ComedyWorks South. But it was back in the day, like, before ComedyWorks South was around. So it was just an office park. And then you could park, like, it was like, the building was an island and you could park on all sides of it. And Salazar told me a story about how like,

yeah, we went to that thing, man. And then like, someone noticed that they had a bunch of like, crystal silver, like good silverware and like good crystal on a shelf. So like you told me, like they told me, it wasn't me, it was someone else. They were like, move the car over to this door, but then we couldn't get the door open.

So I just like had all the silver. So we started smashing it. What? I was like, what? He's like, yeah, man, you don't remember that? I was like, no, dude. Yeah, but Crystal Bridges, shut up. That's cool.

She had a heavy pair. Yeah, dude. That's an awesome hot girl. I mean, we're getting older. She had back problems? I don't know. That's a thoughtful question. I assume she's passed away.

She was in Playboy at, I'm guessing, 17. So I don't think that usually pans out. Was she a CF? What does that mean? Centerfold. Oh, yeah. Sick. You can look her up. She was stunning. I see F. What does that mean? Centerfold. Oh yeah. Sick.

Yeah, you can look her up, she was stunning. Dude, a Playboy release party for your own, in your own hometown? Yeah. You're just gonna get horned up dudes that wanna bone, you're just filling the room with people that wanna bone you. Dudes who've wanted to fuck you since seventh grade.

Yeah, for sure. And now you're standing next to a life-size cutout of your nude body. And where your pussy is, someone has cut out the pussy. Yeah. Now they're wearing it around their neck. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And it's wet. Yeah, it's wet. They have the pussy hole cut out, and people put their faces in it and take pictures. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It fucking. First of all, it's like that stillbirth you had. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They have a spray bottle, they do them up real quick. I'm Donny Kragers' son. Remember the one that you passed like a stone behind the village inn in Parker? I'm coming out.

They've got a slip and slide that goes out the pussy. That'd be huge. Oh, I'd say, I think you're going to need a c-section. Yeah, you get stuck. You slide down and get stuck. Then you have to walk around the party wearing the cutout like a hat, like a crown. There's just blood dripping down your feet.

Right, yeah, just a mask of blood. It's pooling at your feet. You rented a funny shirt to impress her. Yeah, dude. Yeah. So I meant to ask you, do you want to go on a date or? I'd love to actually wear you as a hat. Yeah.

So I know that you're into like, uh. No. Just picturing the guy is so funny. Yeah, he has it on. You hear crazy towns playing in Boulder? It's like spitting her in the funny. Yeah, he has none. You hear crazy towns playing in boulders? It's like spitting her in the face. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. I've got two tickets around her somewhere. I can't see my pockets right now. So you have to leave. He just starts spinning. Totally. Beheading everybody. Paper cuts.

And that was the worst summer of my life. And that's how I met your mother. Her parents are there, her dad's got a bum. Yeah, the parents are there for sure. They're proud. They were. I shook the man's hand.

I shook her father's hand at her Playboy release party. It's just two clammy hands meeting. I was like, sir, I gotta let you know. I was on this early. I knew in sixth grade she was going to be in pornography. I need my ROI for buying in early. Sir, when you bought her that raspberry chapstick in fifth grade, we all had an inkling

that it wasn't going to go well. To see a sixth grader with a choker on. Yeah. Hey sir, thanks for fucking this up so that we could prosper. Holy shit. My buddy Nick's smashing all the crystal because he can't figure out the door. Woo.

It's so funny that it was his instinct. He was like, I can't steal it, I'm not gonna put it back, better just smash it. I know dude. That's cool guy logic. It's cool as hell. Holy shit dude. Salazar used to go to the, I probably talked about this, the Chinese Man Theater. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. In the summertime people would forget their sunroofs were open. Yeah. And Salazar would be like, I'll shit in any one of these fucking suburbans. Just 20 bucks. So we'd all like, you know, put a bunch of quarters in a hat and give it to him and it'd be like six dollars and he'd be like, close enough. And then he'd like climb up on a suburban or an escalator and shit in the top of it. And he was stoked. And we were like, the first time this was a great bit, Sally, but now we're driving out here so you can get $7.00. Totally. Yeah. We're sure it is giving you

the gas money. He's like, oh, I got a **** You guys want to drive down to the Chinese. You're like, dude, we do that when we're in the area. Right. Yeah. Dude, I can't poop without pooping into a **** moon roof. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? You guys don't want to go, I'll take a bus. Yeah. I'll take a bus. Yeah. You guys got 225 I can borrow.

You were lucky cause you had buses. There was no escape from Elizabeth. Oh, that's true. That's right. Yeah. Cause you grew up where? Aurora. Where'd you go to high school?

Smokey Hill. Smokey Hill. So you were over there, you went to the Chinese Man. Oh yeah, all the time, every weekend. Wait, we had the Chinese Man Theater and the Oriental Theater? Yeah, totally. And they were both your favorite places. Oh!

We knew it. We knew it was coming, dude. What? Let me ask you to challenge yourself. I didn't do anything! You have two great building blocks right here. You have the Chinese man in the Oriental Theater. What are we gonna do that's not just picking up

the two blocks and smashing them together until your fingers bleed? Like it's crystal outside. Dude, I'm a cool guy. For the fucking porn release party. Dude, it was nuts. After the episode, we're going to look it up. Because I know that she's out there.

I hope she used her real name so it's easy to find. Yeah, for sure. Oh, God. Your listeners somehow have picked up on this and they're fucking typing it in right now, dude. It's not even out yet. And they're like, okay, Crystal. Yeah, they have their soft dicks in their hand. It's only

a half hour until I got to get to the Spencer's gifts. Something's saying to jerk up. What is it pewter pewter roadway? No. Copper tarmac crystal bridges. There is hard and they ascend. They turn to light. Literally the initials of the podcast. It is it is literally the initials of the podcast it is it is pneumatic device it's also the name of a Walmart museum in Bentonville Arkansas Bridges is like a beautiful modern like art piece in Bentonville. That Walmart paid for. Maybe she was Jeff Bridges like accident. No, Sam said he met her parents.

Yeah. Maybe they weren't her bio parents. Oh yeah dude. Yeah. What are you saying? You know what I thought was cooler than the lady at the coffee shop were those babies. There were two cool babies. We met two babies.

Do they have like fucking wraparound sunglasses on one of them had a bucket hat on. OK, yeah, one of them. One was Asian, one was Asian. Yeah, that's the best way to deal with that. One went to the China man theater. Well, no, no, no. No. Chinese man was nutritious enough, and you had to be greedy and dip it in butter.

No, I didn't. It's the China Man Theater. You know. How is it any better? You didn't have to use your fingers to pull your eyes apart when you said it. Where'd you get a conical hat? I'm playing mahjong over here.

I remember my dad one time said the China Man Theater thing and my mom was like, it's already called the Chinese man, Dave. That's not good enough for you? That's not enough? And you're over there just laughing your ass off. Yeah, I'm over there just taking notes. And that's when you knew. Yeah.

But yeah, one of the babies was a real koala chunk of a baby. He was a cute little fat Asian baby. Right. One of the best styles of baby. Oh, what's better? Black female baby in a wig. That's the best. Oh, what's better? Black female baby in a wig. That's the best. That's the best baby. I don't know, a baby in like in blue jean overalls with like a straw hat.

Awesome. Baby in a big pumpkin. I'm a big fan of any time a baby thinks it's an adult and dresses like an adult. Oh yeah, totally. Yeah, tucked in shirt. Oh, that's funny. Fucking New Balance's. Yeah, Bluetooth phone speaker right here. Yeah, dude. Goo goo, God, God, God.

I like when babies are dressed like their hype beast dads and they have skinny jeans on. Oh yeah. I hate when a baby has cool shoes. Yeah, it's a waste. Like you got fucking forces for your baby. Yeah, dude. Just give a hundred dollars. Right and also like my sister and I didn't have shoes until kindergarten. My sister had jellies. Oh yeah of course. Yeah my dad had jellies and they used to reek to bring it full circle. I think that rocks. Yes. Being barefoot is cool. But the lady in there was

like the the the one who pushed the babies, the baby keeper. The baby, that dude. Was like, you wanna hold the baby? And I was like, I'd like to wash my hands. And she was like, yeah, I'd let you hold the baby because that was your answer. And then I was like, okay. And then she asked again if I wanted to hold the baby

and I just said, flat no. Yeah, I told you. No, you were like, I just said that I. I just said I have to wash my hands. And she's like, oh, yeah. And also I'd prefer if the baby washes his hands too. Well, it's like, there's all types of like, what if I fucking drop the baby?

I know, yeah, exactly. That's a liability. What if I have seizures? Yeah, what if the baby latches? What if he latches? What if the baby latches? What if the baby learns Chinese voice? What if the baby latches and then his first words?

Yeah, Patrick gets over there going, oh, you look really cool. If you want to hear more of that, May 31st, common word Denver downtown. Yeah, dude. They're doing the Chinese baby act. Yeah. But then I said, we're not going to do your job for you.

And she, I thought she thought it was funny. You know who was laughing in a lot of the antics? Was the statuesque blonde. Yeah, she laughed when I said, it was nice to meet you, babies. Right, and I said, carry on, babies, and she laughed. And I think that I saw her time travel back to a place where I mattered to her.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, where she remembered what it was to laugh and who gave her that gift Yeah, it was you I mean my favorite part of Being married now is I miss talking to women so now when I talk to women I like I Effectively hold my wedding ring right in front of my face Yeah, I talked to them like a human being. Women are so fascinating. Yeah. They really are. Yeah dude. You know. Well it's pretty easy to talk to them when

you don't give a fuck. You're not. I'm not gonna fuck you lady. Yeah there's no. Yeah I'm not even trying. I don't give a fuck. Yeah. I'm thinking you got some sick honkers but that's cool. I'm being polite about it. Yeah. Yes I noticed that there's a tear in your jeans. Yeah. Okay. I've read your hurt me tattoo. I'm being polite about it. Yes, I noticed that there's a tear in your jeans. Yeah. Okay. I've read your Hurt Me tattoo. I am gonna ask what the textile of your fabric is. Can I feel it?

Can I feel it? You know? But just because I'm sucking pained beefy tees, lady. But yeah, dude, I really enjoy talking to women. Without being lewd or lascivious. And you know what? Women, once they know you're not trying to fuck them, they'll tell you some wild shit. Totally. Women the craziest shit. So then they're like babies. They're like kids

They say the craziest stuff. They need to be fucking pampered and help. Yeah for sure. Yeah, you have to remind them to eat Yeah, teach them words. It's hard to find somebody that can hold that Amazonian woman now. Oh That's I could is like I assume you could. I'd hold her real good. Why didn't you make a move? I was fucking greasing it up all you had to do was get on the train. She didn't want that from me. You don't know that. I wasn't. I didn't want to do that. Project this version of yourself into the world it's not true. Oh yeah. I don't like flirting is not in the morning. I love flirting. Yeah. Like before. Hey, guys, it's for coffee.

Just to feel pretty. No. Oh, yeah. She's an actor. She's an actor. But aren't we all. She's probably a psycho. That means she's there can only be one psycho in the relationship. Look, you're definitely a psycho if you're a barista. And I ask if you know my wife and she asks, is she an actor? Yeah.

You want me to know that you're an actor that bad? Totally. Yeah, dude. That's immediately when I was like, I'm. You're fucking acting up right now. As the girl said. And I'm going to direct you. Yeah.

Hey, let me give you some blocking. Have you threatened to hit a woman? And then she's like, fucking try it, buddy. Yeah. Yeah. She had she's like, fucking try it, buddy. Yeah. Yeah. She had reach on you, probably. Man, she's like, she didn't have reach. I'm fucking crazy.

She had those bull bowl arms and legs, dude. Yeah. She did, yeah. Was that the kickboxer in Street Fighter? No, bull bowls, minute bowls. Bull bowl. I thought you said bull back. Oh, no, no, no.

Bull bowl. Odie's got a head of hers. Vamped, co-bos. Oh no no no. Bull Bull. Odie's got a head of hers. Vamp, Cobos. Say more names. Vega. Lou Vega. Lou Vega, that's a cool. A little bit of combo punch ins. Nice. You guys know that guy Alan who hangs out with Bori? I don't know if I do. I think his name is Alan Vega. At Bori's album recording he was wearing like a pork pie hat and I called him Alan Lou Vega and he did not like it. Really? Did he keep the hat on? Oh yeah all night long. I think he lost it. It was gone at 715. They probably didn't let him in with it on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They were like, listen, buddy, no guns allowed. Yeah. No guns.

No stupid hats. You're going to wind up a hat guy. Yeah. In your late forties, you're going to go hats for sure. I'm going to rock bald, dude. I'm going to rock bald beard. You'll have a big stupid hat. I'm going to get a funny head tattoo. You're definitely getting circle brim hats for sure at some point. Yeah No, I'm gonna wear go back to a flip phone. You're gonna have a circle brim hat You're gonna be wearing a little tiny circular, you know, what kind of hat I'm gonna wear a playboy bunny Yeah, what if you went into like stussy gear

What if you became a von dutch 50 old? Dude, yeah, that's coming back. The early 2000s has come back. You're ripping around in like a 1999 Nissan Pathfinder because you think it's cool. I'm here for it. Yeah. I'm here for it. You're ironically listening to like Crazy Town.

No, not even Macarena. Oh, mub-ub-ub. There's a dance from when I was a kid. Let's come over here. Let me teach you. And Ricky Martin. It's a dance from when I was a kid. Let's go over, let me teach you. And Ricky Martin. It's about three way and a guy's wife. Pulling up in the McDonald's drive through,

blasting it, dude. Can I get four McChickens? No, we scanned your chip. Your implant says you're not allowed that much sodium. Dude. Yeah. That's the Wally future. You're gonna be planted, bro.

Eat this vegan stroopwafel. It's gross. Yeah, you're really selling me on it. I probably will after the pod. We bet it. What makes it vegan though? Because a stroopwafel is what? Just wafer? Oh yeah. I'm trying to give a fuck about that. They could make good vegan caramel. I don't understand why that's bad. Well, by definition, caramel is sugar and butter or milk

cooked down. Well, dulce de leche, you know when you get that carnation milk in the can and you boil it? And then you're like, abuelita! Abuelita! Yeah. Yeah. Me gusta, me gusta.

Hoy es mi feliz de cumpleaños. Por qué no papa aquí? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You should have kept on Duolingo, stupid. I was following you were in the family plan. Duolingo doesn't even work. What are you talking about? It doesn't work. It doesn't even work. Oh my god bro. I speak of his cray. I've been working on my French. Bonsoir. Bonsoir. Merci mon ami. You were just down there in

the motherland? Yeah dude we were in Isla Mujeres. Yeah. Yeah dude that was funny this guy when we fucking when we rented our bikes to ride around the island we walked past one guy because on our map it said this other place had bikes that were better and so we walked by this one guy and he tries to sell us and then we go to this other guy and he's like he's like bikes and we're like yeah and we go in his place and he sticks his head out and looks down the street at the other guys and he goes, don't don't. It was amazing, dude. And then he rented us the worst bikes we've ever ridden

in our fucking lives, dude. If you bike brag after you seal the deal, you know that shit sucks. Were they Fixies with no brakes? Oh, I mean, they were Fixies where that has been left out in the rain. So they were so fucking so fucking you know they wouldn't change gears like they had they were fixies on accident they had gears but they wouldn't change. They were made fixies by time. Everyone becomes a hipster with time. Yeah. When we got back, I was like, dude, these bikes are terrible. And he was just like, uh-huh. It was like, fuck it.

Yeah, dude. They were a dollar fifty an hour. Yeah. I was like, I feel like the Tonto right now. Was it flat land? Uh, I mean, there's like some hills, but, uh, yeah, dude, it was the hardest bike ride I've ever fucking had. You could stand up.

We could stand and pedal. Uh, I mean, try to sometimes, but you know, it's up and down you're trying to balance try being a big fat guy yeah well I just don't have a license I would have gotten a fucking golf cart if I had a license you have to have a license for that? You're supposed to yeah. In Mexico? Yeah you're supposed to. What? Yeah I'm sure they would have rented it to us without a license, but if something happens, then, you know, and I don't have a license, the cops come. Yeah, you have 20 bucks. Yeah, exactly.

Well, yeah, dude, yeah. What about Kel? She can't drive at night because she's so old. Yeah, exactly. She sun downs. I'm not on a golf course. My grandfather. Yeah, she's sitting in the back seat facing backwards

Kelly you put your shoes on your hands again, baby. I'll be doing the driving That's why my head's down Bring me Matthew. I want oral pleasure Time for me to go to the library. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Mexico. Fun, right? Yeah. It rocks, dude. You guys. You guys shrug beers and stuff. Oh yeah. We just drank beer and hung out and **** Yeah. Yeah. Just laid on the beach. We went snorkeling. That was cool.

You snorkeled, dude? It's fucking cool. Did you see a tortuga? We did. I love it. How big was that turtle? It was huge. Yeah, at the bottom of the ocean.

It's probably like 200 years old. They're so magnificent. It's like older than the Union. When I was in Hawaii, I was swimming in the ocean and one popped its head out and went, it was the coolest moment of my life.

We're not so different, you and I. Yeah. It sounded like you and your fucking vape. It was an old one. Emmy shared a hotel room with Pat for a night and as soon as we were alone, she was like, we got to do something. That cough. We got him on the CPAP.

Oh, did you? The CPAP's great. Yeah. Loved it. You sleeping with one regularly now? Yeah, it drives me out. Oh, you have all you have is a complaint about it. Yeah.

It doesn't. It doesn't make me feel better. It's just for other people fucking hate my snoring Yeah, you know what it does is allow you not to be dead alone You're gonna find a lover now because it's calming. Yeah, cuz the the CPAP machine is a Yeah, it's a white noise machine yeah, yeah, it's night and day feel like I'm sure top gun yeah for sure cool Yeah, he said that last night and really cracked me up. Yeah.

Yeah. He looked over and he has his mask on. He's, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Do I look like I'm in Top Gun? He's like, yes.

Yes, you do baby boy. Yeah. Yeah, you're a goose. No, goose. No. Yeah. I was goose. Emily was like, Pat, you can share a room with us,

but you have to wear your CPAP machine. I get it. Yeah, and it was good. You didn't wake me up once. I didn't wake up screaming. I didn't want to kill you at all. It would have been nice to have another room though, so we could work simultaneously.

You ever strap it on your butthole, dude? Strap it on your butt, watch your penis get filled with air and then it's the heart hitting question. Shh, shh, shh. I haven't had it long enough. The heart-hitting question. I haven't had it long enough, Cobos. I have thought about putting Kool-Aid in it instead of purified water. Yeah, for sure, dude. We don't know how to tell you this.

We've never seen this before. I've been practicing medicine for 23 years. Your lungs have diabetes. Did you work in a sugar factory? Were you like an heir to some kind of candy floss fortune? Your lungs have diabetes. Did you work in a sugar factory? Were you like an heir to some kind of candy floss fortune? Because we've only seen this in elves. You don't live in a hollowed out tree, do you?

Your lungs have tested positive for strawberry? Yeah. They don't let me in trees. It's too much kinetic energy or potential energy. The aviola in your lungs have caramelized. Oh, that sounds good. Yeah. Yum.

Yum. Yeah. We have to melt it out of you. So with your mask on, oh dude, I'm so hungry right now. Yeah. It seems that your lungs are wearing compression socks. Have you put, have you been putting Sprite in your CPAT machine? Look, I don't know. I'm sorry

to have to ask you this. Black cherry Kool-Aid. We assume maybe you got you thought that it was just sweet water and but no, it was literally Kool-Aid. All right. I only put half the sugar that it says to. That was always I call it diet Kool-Aid. That always sucked. Dude, I got to do a huge drunken fight with my friend Hank because he thought you just put the packet in to make Kool-Aid.

And I was like, you're a psycho. Yep. He was doing no sugar. No sugar. And it was to chase booze. And I was like, you're an idiot. You're a psycho. It's the biggest fight we ever had Because you know what happened in that moment is his whole life he'd been drinking Kool-Aid without sugar Yeah, and then you told that him that he lived a lifetime Devoid of one and a half cups of sugar every two days. Yeah, so he was it was coming out of him

It wasn't you it was just the fact that his life had been proven empty for that long. Yeah yeah that's what happens when you grow up in the Netherlands. Netherlands. I'd rather be dead than Ned. Yeah it was. Yeah it was always bad when you would go over to the kids house and his parents made Kool-Aid with a third of the regular sugar. I'd rather have water. I'd rather have water. I've never said, look, look, I've never said this before in my 11 years on earth. Can I just get some water? Look bitch, I don't want to tell you how to run your ship around here, but it's fucked. So you can keep this weak fucking red gel. Just give me the water, Toots. You're just eating chocolate and shit. Can I just get some fucking water?

I'll be upstairs. Yeah. Just looking out the window. Look, bitch, I'll be playing Cool Borders. When you figure out how to fucking make Kool-Aid, come knock on the door. Bitch, you're SSX dizzy. Yeah.

I was going to go with SSX Tricky, but I thought Cool Borders was deeper cut, deeper cut. We used to rent that. I would rent Cool Borders. I could picture it in my head. She'd get mad if I got a higher score with the rabbit or whatever it was. Then her. Also, what's Tang was huge. Love Tang. Oh, yeah.

It was good. I agree on that. Yeah. Didn't need sugar for Tang. No, no. It's like the lemonade agree on that? Yep. Didn't need sugar for Tang? Nope. No, it's like the lemonade because you just like the country crock. What is it? Listen to this. It's not country.

And we've all put sugar on our checks, on our rice checks or our corn flakes. But have you guys ever dared to dream and put Tang or Country Time lemonade concentrate on your cereal? No. I'm not opposed. This is why I need a MacArthur Genius Grant. Because I hacked childhood obesity. You should get a Nobel.

You hacked it the wrong way. Well, I was just like, you're going to give me these instruments, I'm going to write a fucking song. It's not going to be the band. I'm going to put fucking song. Yeah. It's not gonna be the band. I'm gonna put out some fucking pop hits. You should get a Taco Bell Peace Prize for that. Thank you.

Not bad. It's amazing. What have you got? Besides the headlining date at America's favorite club on May 31st. I know dude. I'm just gonna be up there and be like, I can't stop thinking about putting Tang on my fucking cereal. Hold on guys Look Everyone gets their money back I have to go

Did you guys grow up with You guys have juice in the house growing up in the fridge mostly cranberry cranberry juice, that's my shit Yeah, I mean we sunny shit. Yeah, I mean, we, uh, Sunny D. Sunny D. Oh, Sunny D rocks. Sunny D was huge. Yeah. That like made you friends. People wanted to come to sleepovers at your house because you had access to SD. You're like, is this sparkly?

Like, what the fuck? Right. Yeah. But did you guys ever have the unfortunate experience of drinking orange juice concentrate juice? Oh, that you put in the freezer? It's the tube and you put it in the jug and you gotta smush it up and then add a little bit of hot water and then add water to it. That sure was never good. It was the fucking worst. I think

that's probably why I don't really fuck with OJ that heavy. That makes sense. Or orange juice. Yeah. Yes because we had the concentrate log in our house. Oh yeah. Until I think some of the first money I ever spent of my own was on full pulp orange juice. And I would drink it during two a days. I remember drinking, I had a fridge in my room. I swear to God. Okay, that's epic. Full size.

I had a, no, I wish. It was just a meat freezer. Yeah, my mom drew the line. Yeah, it was just full of venison. And I would lay a mat on top of it and sleep there. I had a no It was just a meat freezer. Yeah, my mom drew the line. Yeah, it was just full of venison And I would lay a mat on top of it and sleep there Because I'm protecting my kill Use fart there was at the dog god. I hope that was the dog

I have to rush you to the hospital Wow I'm gonna fart in your seat. Papaji that fucking snarf's got me farting. Don't give him that idea. I wake up in the tubes just in his butt. I would fucking kill you. And then I hand you my written will and I say, I've conquered all that I needed to conquer. You can kill me.

I'm done. Yeah, dude. And my last act is I die and I shit in the tube. My body expels into the tube. That's just a jackass. And then you're like, I have to breathe this chocolate. But I bought my own pulp orange juice, and I used to drink it right before bed. I would take it out and I would drink the whole fucking jug of all pulp orange juice and then wake up in the middle of the night and throw up.

My mom was like, you're just stressed from football. You're going to high school. It's normal, you're stressed. Mom, I'm 14. I don't need to have a gallon-sized drum of Tums next to the bed. It's from the orange juice. I'm just realizing that now,

that it's from the orange juice. It's a lot of acidity. It was, and it was like, chug it, lay down. Lay recumbent. I gotta let this sugar settle. Right, as the citric acid is trying to fight back up the tube one way, as I'm trying to fucking whack off to like, you know, Howard Stern's E show.

Nice, beetle juice. Crystal bridges. Yeah, I just wake Howard Stern's E show. Nice. Yeah, Crystal Bridges. Ah, ah. Yeah, I just wake up and like throw up. Oh, retard Dave, what's the guy's name? Retard Jim. Beetlejuice? We're thinking of Mark Twain's book. Dave the Retard.

No, there was one just called like Dave the Retard or something. Yeah, there was High Pitch Eric. Yeah. Yep, Beetlejuice and yeah, yeah. Beetlejuice. There was like Dave the Retard or something. Quit saying.

You just get off on saying it. It was like... We pick our spots on this show. And we've made a whole lexicon to get away with stuff like this. You're right. We don't say retard, we say spies. We don't say gay guy, we say Igbo. Igbo's.

Yes. Can you talk about your weekend? I guess you already did. I did on our Patreon episode. If you want to know what happened on the events of Reno this last weekend, go over to Chubby Behemoth, patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth. And also, summer's approaching. Yeah. We're kind of in the throes of summer.

What are you going to be wearing this summer? Well, Cobos. I think I'm working on shorts this year, dude. Are you going to be a short? I've never been a shorts guy, but I'm going to be a shorts guy. Short's got, short's got. Already got a couple pairs. Really? You shorts this year, dude Are you gonna be a shorts guy? But I'm gonna be a shorts guy. Shorts guy. Shorts guy. You got good legs, dude. Hilo Mujeres changed me, man.

I had to wear shorts down there. Do you have tattoos on your legs? No. There's no tattoos. No tattoos. That's cool. You know, when Kel finally comes to her senses and leaves, I'll be there so you can get that full sleeve.

Sick. You get your arm, that's the equivalent of like when a girl goes through a breakup and shaves her head. Yeah. A guy going in and getting a full arm done in like 12 hours. For sure. Totally. Yeah dude.

I'm like finally she's gone I can be covered in skulls. Yeah. I got a Sailor Jerry tattoo. Yeah. On a fire with a smoky woman coming out. That's right. Yeah dude with big jugs. Cause they all turn to smoke, don't they, boys? I got Marvel.

I got the Marvel guys on this side and the DC guys on this side. Yeah, dude. It's funny to think of an old-timey sailor guy going in to get a tattoo in a modern-day tattoo parlor and just sitting down and being like, there's a lot of pretty ladies in here in the non-Berit binary tattoo artist. It's like, oh, there's a lot of pretty ladies in here in the non-barrett binary

tattoo artists. It's like, well, actually, no, we don't. And then the guy just cut to, so you're neither or you're both. Come on. You're telling me you're neither or you're both. Come on. You know, when I was over there hunting Charlie, we were one and we were Americans. But this is what you need. Yeah. Because you need to get into shorts. I know. And I think the best shorts for you as a guy

who's all about shorts. Yeah. Look we've read a lot of ad reads on this, Bob, or I don't give a shit. Yeah. I'm so stoked. I've been pushing for this sponsor since we got sponsors. Summer's coming. It's time to show off a little thigh. If you're gonna do that, the best shorts for doing that are the ones I'm wearing right now. Chubbies. Chubby shorts are gonna be the most comfortable clothes

you put on all summer. And I know that. I've been in this pair of chubby shorts for four days. I'm wearing undies. You don't have to wear undies with them because they have this built-in liner right here. They have that spandex? That's part of it?

Well, so look, you have, this is, these are not underwear, these are built into the short. Okay. And then you have this on top. Yeah, look, there's no friction, you keep your hogs segregated. Dude, you're floating on air. It's the only way to walk.

Yeah. It's like you're an old timey prince and you've fucked everything. And now pleasure is just a memory. We were just talking about that, swaggy guys in ancient times. Right, so pleasure is much like that woman turning to smoke on your new arm tattoo.

Yeah, for sure. It's something ephemeral and ethereal that you can never touch anymore. And the last thing that you do before you sew yourself into like a live bull is you put your balls and penis in like a velvet little sack. Yeah. It's like having your dick and balls in a crown royal bag.

Ooh, that rules. At all times. Fancy. That is belacial. I know that's a big part of your culture. For sure. You know, first you put your dice in there, then you put your brass knuckles in there. I like, yeah, I have my coin purse in a coin purse.

Right. Yeah. And then at your boy quinceanera, your cousin Antoine comes up and he's like, eh, see. Antoine? Well, I don't know. I didn't want to go stereotypical. You mean Antonio? No, I mean, you know, yeah, if this was your pod, you know, it would be,

uh, Porgy Big. Whatever. It would be China Man. Yeah. Hey, China man. Yeah. Hey China man. Fucker. They have super stretchy shorts and a variety of inseams with bold colors and patterns as well as your basics. I'm all about black or blue but I like a little bit of fringe in the undies and that shows. So whatever mood you're in for

Chubby's has an out for you. Look I've given a personal endorsement. This is my favorite product. I'll only be wearing them all summer. Yeah. They sent Becker because they have a variety of lengths in their shorts. And they sent Becker the four and a half inchers. And we were on a zoom call for Chubby planning, Chubby Behemoth, this podcast you're listening to. And Becker was like, oh yeah, I got the stuff from Chubby's. And I was like, oh, they're at my PO box. Can you show me what they're like? And he was like, yeah, I'll go try them on.

He came back into the Zoom call with, I mean, Lieutenant Dangle from Reno 911 was more humble than what these shorts were providing. That's awesome. It was crazy. I know you got one of those like long fucking like rat dicks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Long and skinny.

It's wispy. That's right. Yeah. It's like a balding man's forehead. Yeah. It floats in the breeze. Yeah. Not quite like angel hair.

It's a little thicker than that. No, it's more like Bermicelli. And I've seen your penis, because you sent me a hilarious picture of it, which I have framed in the house. Yeah, that's a good pic of my penis. It's awesome My penis looks good. Is it the one where you're smoking a cigarette and it's pop through your zipper Yeah, I think I was getting sucked off like five minutes before that. So You get you had a fluffer humble

You sent me the one of your face was on the dick and then your head was the penis to that yeah Yeah, shout out to Mason for look we've we've pushed a lot of stuff on this pod chubbies is awesome They even have matching outfits that you can wear with your kid It's the last summer look you'll ever need All right Uniforms so far anything about the people who write this copy yeah have MFAs from Vassar Oberlin and they experimented with their sexuality yeah and now they're writing fucking chubby shorts copy for my dudes only podcast they marched whether you're getting dressed for your work day a workout or

a weekend getaway Chubbies has you covered for a limited time Chubby's is giving chubby Behemoth listeners 20% off your order that's great that's fucking gas it's awesome you can get yourself two pairs of shorts for like 60 bucks with this code yeah oh yeah 20% off your order with our code Chubby at ChubbyShorts.com slash Chubby that's code Chubby Ch-U-B chubby's shorts ch u bb i es Shorts comm slash chubby support the show tell them we sent you don't blend them with the crowd stand out with chubbies Awesome. Yeah, it's almost the name of the podcast you guys get 50 listeners. You're gonna

You're gonna have ad reads. It's gonna be for stuff that you guys use, you know, yeah We have Integrity. We will never take an ad read. What? We won't? Fuck, dude. You have an Integrity t-shirt. Yeah, I do like that band.

They rule. We get like 200 listeners, dude. We're huge. You guys should have more. It's a good pod. We're just lazy and inconsistent. When I'm trying not to come, I put your pod huge. You guys should have more. It's a good pod. We're just, we're lazy and inconsistent. When I'm trying not to come, I put your pod on. Nice.

For sure. Yeah. We have a- So does she. She doesn't need to try. Yeah. Ha ha ha. Would you say that you get yourself off better

than anyone else? No. Your wife can get you off better than you can? Yeah. Like quicker? Yeah. Much in the same way that when you do racial impressions. It's just two blocks Being smashed together at odd angles. That's me pleasing myself You there's no nuance to it. I know exactly the through one of the three videos that I'll utilize Or I'll go to my mind bank. I shouldn't have said better. Think about a former ComedyWorks employee. It's you Matthew. It's not Kel. It's Baker. It's Chris Baker. It was good to see him earlier in that stroller that woman was pushing.

Yeah. Just a baby dip in his finger into a little bag and put it in his mouth. Shut up. Shut up. It's not what we're doing here. The bag is fun dip. That's what he was saying. We're in our home barn.

I keep forgetting this isn't our. We're in our home barn. I keep forgetting this isn't our podcast. This is our home. I'm a visiting dignitary. Put on airs. We love you, Baker. My wife is, she knows all the ins and outs of my... So she could get you off quicker than you could get yourself off.

Oh yeah. It's impressive. Is that what having a wife means? Someone that can get you off quicker than you can? She's a better masturbatory device? That's what you think having a wife is? I just feel like I know how to get myself off better than anyone else in the world. You did have a fuck machine until you used it, until it busted. I missed that thing.

I busted so much it busted. Do you still have the fuck machine? I had to throw it out. It was the saddest day of it busted. Do you still have the fuck machine? I had to throw it out, it was the saddest day of my life. Do you have the pieces of it? No, I threw it out. Because you have that CPAP. Yeah. Oh, I could like rebuild it.

You can fuck your breathing machine, is what I'm saying. He just turned it on reverse, so it's sucking in instead of pushing it. God damn it, you've done it again. But don't forget to make sure you reverse the airflow. Otherwise, it's going to look like your dick is Marilyn Monroe standing over the sewer grate and your foreskin just blowing up

around the tip of your dick. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, no, I put on the cleaning function. Your mom walks in. She's like, Patrick, I got Sabaro. I know it's not your birthday. It's double decker. I know it's not your birthday. It's double deckeroni.

God, I wish there was a Sparrow and Greeley. Holy shit. Fuck. We usually have Panda for special occasions. Panda Express? Panda this weekend. This is the one thing we could agree on. Panda's good. We're probably, oh, it's at 59 and a half minutes. Oh, God, I'm so good.

I'm so good. So yeah, Cobos, May 31st at ComedyWiz. Yeah, dude. Yeah. I know what a big deal this is for you. So stoked, yeah. And I'll say this. 15 bucks.

Look, I'm so good. I'm so good. I'm so good. I'm so good. I'm so good. I'm so good. I'm so good. I'm so good.

I'm so good. I'm so good. I'm so good. I'm so good. I'm so good. So yeah, Kobos, May 31st at ComedyWorks. Yeah, dude. Yeah. I know what a big deal this is for you. So stoked. Yeah. And I'll say this. Look, you can see a lot of bad comedy in Denver. Go see Kobos. Is that the ComedyWorks on a Friday night? Yeah, Friday night. Friday night, 225 seats in that room.

Be one of them, because fucking Kobos is a great live comic. Despite his performance on this pod, he's very funny. And he laughs at his own jokes more than he laughed at mine even though he's told them a lot so it's crazy yeah it's great having a short-term dementia when it comes to your act yeah makes podcasting really easy I'm so great it's I'm so jealous I have the opposite of a lot you sure do yeah it's awesome dude I love you I'm looking into your eyes and telling you I love I love our podcast you should listen to the Cobus Patrick podcast oh yeah listen to their podcast but yeah go is there

just go to the comedy works website yeah yeah I'll be there come make fun of my CPAP machine and say what's up are you like that open I texted today to ask about it so yeah we'll see we'll see. We'll see. Who else would be on the lineup? Alan Bromwell, Chris Baker. Don't throw Baker into the conversation with Bromwell. I know. Jake Becker.

It's funny because they don't do stand up anymore. Well, I know. But when you include two people in one set of data, it doesn't make them think that. Sorry Chris, you were on my mind, we were talking about you being in this for a minute. We just saw you on Friday. Yeah dude.

Yeah, I'm gonna see if Steve Vanderplug and George Comstock will be on. Oh wow. Yeah yeah. It's real, who's that? Yeah. Wow, if you can get Plug. Yeah dude, yeah.

Are you getting Plug because he has that massive mailing list you want to explore? Yeah, exactly. I did that to him. I had him come down and host my shows. While you're at ComedyWorks buying Kobo's tickets, go buy my tickets, but you're already on sale for Thanksgiving. You can see me in Winnipeg coming up. Fort Collins this Thursday, there's like 30 tickets left for the Late Show. Come out to Rochester, New York, Lafayette, Louisiana, SamTown.com for all your tickets. Go join the Patreon. Yeah, the Wide World Patreon. Yeah. And Wide World, Pat, can you give an update on that?

Yeah. Episode one of season two of Wide World. Season two, the Fat Flanur live in Paris, not live, but in Paris. First episode is coming out this week. This week it's dropping. Yeah. We wanna say Wednesday. We have to honor our sponsor commitments, which means we have to have two episodes

out in the next 10 days. Oh shit. So old Robert Wadlow over here's got his work ahead of him. Yeah, I'm gonna be dead eyed. Yeah, you're gonna be sitting awake with the CPAP machine on working on your computer, dude It's cool. It makes me feel like I'm being a robot Yeah, so I know how you work which is laying as nude as you can be on your bed Yeah, so you're just in there with your CPAP machine on yeah laying in bed on blasting techno shaving

Yeah, it's basically that scene from Grandma's Boy. Adios turd nuggets. By the way, when I was with Lund somewhere, Emily showed her mom Grandma's Boy for the first time and would just send me videos of her mom watching Grandma's Boy on the couch eating popcorn. It was insane. It was so funny. Did she love it?

Her mom being like, that's too much. Just like scream, laughing along to grandma's boy, completely sober. Jonah Hill sucking on titties. That kicks ass, dude. That movie's awesome. It's very good. The main guy is so forgettable.

It's such a weird casting. Yeah, well, it was like a favor for Sandler's buddy. Yeah, he did a good job He held that movie But yeah, Kobos may 31st comedy works go get those tickies watch wide world. Thank you. Yep. Bye Adios turd nuggets