Chubby Behemoth - No Seals Left Alive

Episode Date: August 27, 2023

Support the show & get Factor for 50% off at https://www.factormeals.com/Chubby50 & use the code Chubby50   Beauty Pageant. Keeping A Seat Warm For Burpo. My Mom Talks Like This.    Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

you guys you guys have entered my world now and you bought the ticket because the devil's about to stamp it it's one way to hell yes that's right

what are you drunk what am I drunk you wasted you punk bitch are you wearing a wire anything to drink tonight, sir? Oh, have I? I'm drinking, literally, I'm drinking a beer just called 8.6 right now. Jesus.

You know a beer's good when it's just the amount of alcohol in the beer. That's how you know you're drinking class. There's a lot of it, too. There's a wolf on the can. Look at that. Hi! Los Lobos. That's me.

I'm those wolf. Them wolf. I'm the plural, but I'm also just one. I'm Los Lobos. Mysterious. So you went out tonight in wherever the fuck you are in france did i go out to dinner in france why are you gonna call the tax man to come get me

no i just want i just want to okay because i'm not going down to fight i'll jump out the window i don't care. Did you go clubbing? Did you pop bottles? Yeah, I went clubbing. There's no seals left alive in the world. Yeah, we made a bunch of fucking oil for the local indigenous. They're burning it in their lamps right now.

Yeah, no. I didn't go clubbing look guys i'm out i'm in france i'm just a guy trying to live all right that's who i am you claim that you're in a city now as opposed to like some island well bro i couldn't be further away from the mainland. I was in a place where France and England and Ireland converged. I was in Brittany, as they say in our dirty, vulgar English tongue. I was on Belle Isle and matter. Belle Isle in the ocean, in the sea. Yeah. And a storm came through and you had a bad

no i did and now you sound slightly better i sounded bad on that episode says everyone except for super producer becker no you sounded. I just cut out the really chunky parts and the rest of it was enough that you could understand it. It wasn't non-listenable. It was better than not getting you. If you cut out the really chunky parts, neither me or Lund would have talked the whole time. It's a lot of me.

It's a lot of me, brother. Remember Dinty Moore when they were like, hey, you know what people are tired of watery soup we're just giving him stew in a can it didn't work it didn't work for anyone dinty more rules there's dinty more people like becker that live alone and are preparing for the apocalypse they stock up on stew and cigs and guns. I think there's a lot dinty less of those people nowadays. Dudley Moore

made a good stew. It had champagne in it. I've been smoking. Ooh. I've been rolling cigs. You're rolling them? Yeah. Roll it up.

I tell them, hey, monsieur. Petit monsieur. I keep calling him petit monsieur, which is little man. They don't like that. You're calling random people? Yeah. Great. What a terror. That's the worst thing you could do. Don't try that shit in paris maybe they can

suffer fools out wherever you are in the countryside they're like grateful for you like ah yes big man what can i do i am your little man try that in paris they're gonna spit in your food or worse hey give me fucking parisian spit i don't care it'll have champagne and cigarette essence in it you're gonna come in your profile yeah they're gonna crank in your drinks you'll be like this dude is very thick when you secretly break edge and we're not allowed to tell anyone about it on the pod it's gonna be uh you have to drink pecan beer they put a little uh like condensed raspberry syrup in your beer then you chug it and you say one more petite monster i don't think i'm gonna do that yeah i know that's what we're supposed to say that's the party line that we abide by

here on this podcast but you didn't drink for a while and you loved it you're like whoa not having a hangover as if i haven't said that to you so many times over the years yeah it's like you're a broken record it's like no that you can't hear because you're so busy going one more for the big guy big guy little voice i have been i have been singing a lot emily says i'm very vocal in the morning then i get quiet at night and she's the opposite where she wakes up and she's like I have been singing a lot. Emily says I'm very vocal in the morning, then I get quiet at night. And she's the opposite, where she wakes up and she's like,

don't speak to me in any kind of rhyme or couplet whatsoever. It's 2 o'clock in the afternoon, and I'm like, bing bong party song. This song is so long. Keep on partying all day long. It's bing bong party song. That's how you greet the day that's how you wake her up bro yesterday on our second day in belle isle and mare the first words out of my

mouth were rhyming and she was like this is too much what how do you how do you just wake up singing what's going on did you have a hangover no you don't get hangovers in france dude because the food's real you've been drinking ham pain which is champagne with a little bit of bacon in it we went to a little village the other day called uh hammo and i asked like what hammo meant and says, it is pigs that are gay, and we laughed. Oh, nice. Yeah, he's good. Greg rules.

Yeah. And now it's nighttime there? Is it late there? On top of days, that's your follow-up question? I'm giving you a bunch of gold. You can't even pull out your pan to find it. Come on, man. Gay pigs? Hammo?

It's 5 o'clock your time. I know what time it is my time. I'm wondering what time it is your time. It is 1 a.m. with 11 minutes on the end of it, which is how you say 1-11 in France. What weird part of Australia were you in where the time difference involved a half of an hour? Is that just a little weird part of the continent

where time got held up for 30 minutes and they were like, we'll catch up eventually, and then they just never did? They just stayed a half hour? That was Adelaide, which no one cares about in australia it's kind of like the trinidad of australia's colorado where everyone's like oh yeah no one gives a shit so it's getting a half hour time difference a little time bone for them to turn on yeah hey munch on this half hour

it was just weird i meant to look it up and i did not so i don't know if anybody said anything to you about it yeah that would have interrupted you more in posting about bray wyatt and terry funk you couldn't take it's been a hell of a week it's been a hard week buddy they're batting down the hatches for all the hardcore champions. Terry Funk is one thing. Cause he was like almost 80. He, you know, that's way more time than most wrestlers get.

And then of course back to the, uh, the old, well, I guess not the same since Bray Wyatt didn't die from like pills from muscle relaxers, but he died of COVID vaccine 36. It was the vaccine,

unfortunately. Yeah, he got triple vaxxed. What was his dad's name? Gary Rotunda or something? His dad's Mike Rotunda. IRS. Erwin R. Scheister. How about Scheister as a last

name for your IRS guy? It's a Jewish slanderur that was vincent's prime shyster shyster is a jewish slur you're thinking of a different word no no you're thinking of no yeah shyster bro that one no you're thinking of shylock but you're drunk i would never say that and i say that 8.6 because my brain's not poisoned yeah Shyster, Becker you know, explain it's just like general Ebenezer Scrooge type character

no, General Scrooge was a different wrestler it means a person especially a lawyer who uses unscrupulous fraudulent, deceptive methods in business yeah and also parties for 8 crazy nights every December and sometimes November and especially a lawyer who uses unscrupulous, fraudulent, deceptive methods in business. Yeah, and also parties for eight crazy nights every December and sometimes November. Becker just asked Jeeves, and that's what Jeeves had for him.

This laptop I'm on has the browser is Microsoft Edge, so that's weird. And it involves Bing instead of Google. It's like, what do you want me to Bing for you? It's like, nothing. Google.com please yeah the only thing you can search for on bing is like angel fire and geo cities websites stuck in time it's like yeah you just went all robot you got parisian internet because you're in a fucking village in outside of marseille you can't fucking're in a fucking village outside of Marseille. You can't fucking be in a real place.

You have to be the little globetrotting son of a bitch. I'll just talk. How about you listen? You can hear this? How about I just tear you a new one for a while? Oh, I'm not going to be in the States for four months straight. Cool. Can you hear me now?

That won't have any repercussions. Shut up. I'm going to get over over there kick your ass down the cobblestone of the sand you're gonna be pissing all right but you're not gonna be walking you're gonna be flailing around on the ground because i'm gonna kick you you miss me so much yeah i'm excited to see you but this is fucking garbage yeah we got to get you a hot spot before you leave the country again i'm gonna give him a hot shot i'm gonna give him a needle full of air i think i think he might have actually just frozen a needle i can get a word in this is frustrating and it sucks but uh damn it yeah he's frozen what are we gonna do try again tomorrow

he's gonna be there tomorrow probably and it'll still be difficult oh hey is your phone on the wi-fi sam no i made everyone get off the wi-fi including you No one's allowed on the Wi-Fi at all. Mine's on airplane mode. Try and text me. Try and call me right now, Becker. I'm not going to. I was just giving it all my time. Yeah, right.

You're a fucking ostrich egghead. Shut up. Put some glasses on your balls. It'll look the same. We're trying to troubleshoot your ass because uh you know you froze yeah i know hopefully you guys filled 30 seconds imagine that oh well yeah i filled it when you hear it you're gonna fill your diaper in fear i don't listen to this shit what did you listen to me and Pat because you miss us. I didn't

listen to you. Oh. When you said the ad read was funny, I thought you meant... Oh, that's right. We had all that confusion about who was doing the free one versus Patreon. So you're saying your ad read was funny. Yes.

Okay. This is what you sound like. Okay. Well, ours was too. This is what you sound like. Right now? Yeah, right now. Do I sound that way right now? What the fuck, dude? I'm in. Look at me. I'm talking again.

Yeah, get something out before a strong wind comes before petit monsieur this is very fun my cheeks are already like a little sore from laughing at you fun. My cheeks are already a little sore from laughing at you. Oh, what's fun? Me being pissed at 1.20am while I'm on vacation? Yeah, it is good. Yeah, believe it or not,

it's great entertainment. Oh, me being mad. Wow, yeah. Once a year, I get mad. No, I'm getting even. No one ever asks how's sam doing they only ask what's sam doing do you have an airbnb booked for us for paris you do right yeah i mean i handled literally everything about your trip yes i have you're welcome good call you're supposed to and also sophie by the way don't forget your testosterone. My nuts.

I want you to detransition while you're over there. I don't even know. I'm going to put you into some kind of post-op beauty pageant. We're going to make a million dollars. Which way are you even going? You're F to ms oh i'm not a not a cis dude huh i was born with boobs came out having them oh good we can't understand you again

and i'm good i'm glad you're glad you're good i'm glad you're being shitty and we can't hear you. Just get it out. It's actually perfect. Get it out. We can't hear you. What? Look at me. Who cares?

I wish I was jacking it. It sucks. I could be fingering my wife and i'm doing this bullshit with we are the senior and eggman jr oh oh god erwin r shylock hey hey hey i'm back we've been back we heard all great it's fucking byrock and cyclop go finger your wife i don't know that's what she wants you got sardine fingers how are those sardines you grilled them up how are the sardines bro remember that store we went to in paris that blue store where we bought the sardines and we ate them all yeah it's called

belle isle sardines i went to belle isle i was on the island i was eating the fish whoa damn that's wild so think about that that's like if you went to fucking taco bell new mexico that's like where it all started that's like if becker went to arby's sauce montana oh yeah i'm not going to uh i'm not going to lighthouse headquarters they decided not to fly me out which makes way more sense than having me go be like and here to improve morale we've got the lighthouse guy himself and I'm like ranch me y'all you know they come up with like 8 things that I can say

pour some lighthouse on me profits are up oh god you're turning you're getting sucked into the computer like in lawnmower man you're fucking fucked your catchphrases ranch me all that's the best that could come up with Your catchphrase is ranch me all. That's the best they could come up with. Ranch me?

Dude, they want to go back and reshoot some shit so they can get rid of a two-second part of one of the commercials where I do a taste test of ranch. You say death to Islam? I'm going to let you riff. Yeah, they're like, we saw some of your stand-up. Ranch guy says there's only two genders. We saw your stand-up and listened to some of your pod and please don't bring Sam and also please

don't riff. Do bring Becker. Yeah, they want Becker. They want me to put ranch on his head and eat bacon off the top. Make a wedge salad out of Becker's dome i want people to start making hard boiled eggs with ranch so if you could bring that egg-shaped guy and just coat him in ranch that'd be great uh it'd be great if they for the ranch thing they just like set up a wall and they had you man your way through it but you trip trip and fall. Was that a wrestler?

Ben Danglis? Shockmaster. Yeah. I wouldn't fall, though. I would recover better than fucking Tugboat did. I would have gotten up and been like, I meant to do that. You can't fucking hear me.

You can't hear us either? We can hear you. You can? Yeah, we heard you say I'd be so fucking pissed. Man, we were talking. I told you that it was, we were talking about the Shockmaster. Yeah, it is the worst.

But you know what's even worse than this? Is trying to have Noah on or Patrick. Yeah. Our is the worst. But you know what's even worse than this? Is trying to have Noah on or Patrick. Yeah. Our crew is lame. We got a bunch of... Any of your protégés and peers? No, me and Pat did a good job. No, it sucked.

You talked to two Australian ex-cons about their prison tattoos. They were pretty funny. That was a good episode. Shut up, Becker. You don't know what's good and what's bad your brain is mush you can't breathe good is that you ever think about how you're you can't breathe good and the repercussions of that over your entire life

your brain just being deprived of a little bit of oxygen every day. You're like a kid who drowns for 20 seconds when they're four and then they don't know math. Oh shit. That reminds me of, we didn't talk about it on the pod I don't think, but the idea of Colton Burpo when he comes back from dying and going to heaven.

He stinks. He's the same Colton except he reeks. That's right. Smells like a corpse. Smells like what? A corpse? Well, just like, yeah. Maybe you can't place it, but it's like

bad. Like, that's the only thing you can put out with it. It's like wet laundry, cigarettes but it's like bad like that's the only thing yeah it's like wet laundry cigarettes it's like his family's so happy he's alive but they're like hey uh it's cool that colton's back but have you noticed anything different uh yeah that's not my son my son didn't smell like that the mom can tell

something's off in it oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Colton smells like the ranch guy. Smells like bad ranch. Old ranch. A dirty diaper. Have you been hearing about Terry Funk? A bad cigar. Oh, shit. I think Colton's back and he reeks.

That must have been in Tokyo and then we forgot about it we had so much other stuff to talk about we forgot about one of the maybe the hardest I laughed over there and it was a it wasn't the only time that we lost it

but fuck and he all he wants to do is run up and hug everybody because he missed them and they're just like oh boop they're like trying not to barf on the top of his head it's bath time Colton mommy

mommy I already took a bath you scrubbed me so hard. You still will, Mommy. I just can't get the smell of heaven off you, Colton. Defending your life how the when albert brooks dies and rip torn is his lawyer he eats like a plate of like dog shit and and uh albert brooks you know asked him what the deal is you know and he's like oh no his like brain comprehends the flavors differently than Albert Brooks. That's Colton.

He's like, I smell good. Heaven smelled like this. Like, fuck, man. I'm not going up there. Colton, you smell like Albert Brooks' lesser films. That movie rules. What are you talking about? This fucking sucks.

You can't hear us? You're dickheads. this fucking sucks you can't hear us dickheads the internet the french internet dickheads or the your two friends that are fucking trying their best you guys are my co-workers. What? Yeah, you guys are out. This is going to freeze, and you're going to start to jack off. And we're going to know. I am into trans porn.

I would jack off to your face and body and genitals. Yeah, you wish. You probably have a bunch of pictures of my dick on your phone. Who knows what you can do when I'm sleeping? Because twice now, you've jacked it while I'm asleep less than a couple of feet

away from you. I don't know. I think it's special. Last time we were showering and Becker was nearby yeah you fucked the egg while I was there but didn't you crank in bed while Nathan was asleep

on a different occasion yeah he did I meant in Japan he's a drunken liar yeah in Japan you and Bonzo were probably smoking a cigarette and he jacked he was like i have five minutes not just in japan chicago and japan and it wasn't just japan you've jacked

well tokyo is in j, so that's twice. And then also I think once in Cincinnati too because I was having a panic attack. Okay. We were in the same room in Cincinnati. I can't think of the hotel. Why do you think we share a room? Yeah, because you can't get enough.

Yeah, I can't get enough land. I can only get hard when there's a man struggling to sleep and stay alive at the same time. It's because of Borey. Me and Borey used to spend so much time together sleeping in the same room. And that's the first times I was whacking. And he also fights death while trying to go to bed not anymore makes sense there's that sleep apnea machine right cpap i saw a must have been an instagram ad or twitter ad for the mouth guard that can uh

prevent you from snoring real bad. That shit's fake. It might be real, though. No, it's fake. I bought one. I don't know what to say about it. Shut up. You bought stock. What? I bought stock?

Great. Great. Here I am alone talking. Yeah, just riff is that a wall my fucking wife and greg and tessa are dancing on the balcony with their tops off this can you hear me again this thing are they nude i don't know that the light yeah dude it's just been topless tuesday every day of the week here Can you hear me again? This thing? Are they nude? I don't know. It's just been topless Tuesday every day that we're here. That's cool.

They went to the beach. They're dumping them. Did you? Did you dump? Bro, I saw a pregnant lady. Did I talk about the pregnant lady? Yes, you did. About the drugs. Yeah, the internet worked long enough for you to talk about pregnant drugs. I had one earphone in while I was waiting for a customer to do the consent form, which was just me sitting there in silence.

And I laughed loud enough for them to be like, excuse me? And I was like, I'm sorry, nothing. Something in my house made me laugh. That pregnant lady did not have a consent form. For me, ogling her. Yeah, you sound very guilty when you said you didn't take a picture. I did not. You can't do that at the beach.

You can't break that sacred trust of the nude beach. Because then, also, oh, dude, there's a big fat kid that looked like me that got out of her car. Then she was like, oh, that's's a big fat kid that looked like me that got out of her apartment. Then she was like, oh, that's not saying too much hair. You gotta go back to when you said fat kid that looked like me, because I really want to hear this. This is fucked. Say it again.

Play it again, Sam. Play it again, sports. Oh, good. My shit came out of time, Sam. Play it again, sports. Oh, good. My shit came on time, too. That's a new development. God damn it. Can you hear me? Yeah.

I'm going to huck my body off the balcony. That's what I'm going to do. You better not. That's going to be the day new mob, Sam Talent. Goodbye. Say what you were saying. There was a fat kid. Emily thought it was me, but then she said, no, he has too much hair.

On his head. He was a little fat kid in black shorts that looked just like me. But he was like 17. Anyway, Emily saw him from behind, thought that he was me, and then reported back, no, the kid had too much hair. Are you still doing hymns? I'm doing

thems. I'm doing theys. Pattern baldness knows no gender. Remember that. It's not just male pattern baldness anymore. I have veiled pattern baldness. I can't wear a hat over here.

Everyone says, take your hat off. I've been wearing my fucking hat. Everyone's pissed. What have you been wearing? Jesus Christ. What have you been wearing? Jesus Christ what have you been wearing? I can't get the button to go oh the Kangol

this is like talking to my grandpa right before he croaked just fucking riddles and mumbled slurs don't bury me next to a black hmm what did you say about blacks being buried I said this is like talking to my dying

grandfather grandpa Bob could understand a third of what he said half of that sucked hey what what you guys filled 26 more minutes Half of that sucked. Hey!

What? You guys filled 26 more minutes, huh? Can you take it from here? No. No, this is pretty fun. I'm gonna edit this together. It's gonna be great. Dude, Becker, they're gonna fucking skewer you. That's fine. They'll be giggling the whole time. No, everybody

should know. No, they're not. They No, everybody should know this is a byproduct. If we want Sam, then we have to take him as he is. Traipsing around nude beaches, getting drunk, and having bad internet. You're a vagabond.

You got nowhere to call home. You're barely an American anymore. It's a citizen of the world, which I'm not. I don't want to be American anymore. Here's some advice for you. Stop listening to 16 year old tick tockers when taking on a new diet or nutrition routine.

That's you do a T Sam. You're always following the lead of 16-year-old TikTokers. Well, I'm always trying to talk to people who communicate with poisonous bugs. So, yeah. TikTokers. Looch languages. Mosquito guys. All right.

You hit your head on the way home. And listen. guys. You hit your head on the way home. Listen, I know there are so many books and articles and self-proclaimed health gurus out there. It can be hard to know where to start. Why don't you start shutting up?

I'm done. Why don't you stop messing around? Make your life and my life easier. Try to think of your future. That's a fun song. Put it on the playlist.

The grocery store guy who runs our social media. Isn't that insane? That guy's going crazy i can't go fucking 10 minutes without a new update from showing me the fucking pod he's just non-stop he's gonna lose his uh day job because he's posting too many clips and there's no way that he's doing his other job correctly i told him like one clip a day. It's like 12 clips every hour. Yeah, yeah.

He's good. He is on the spectrum and it's paying off for us. I'm loving it. I'm loving it too. You know what else I'm loving though? This ad read. Me reading the ad. Yeah.

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Actually, they probably like when you read the ad because you sound like an evil robot. You break up so much that you sound like an evil robot. You break up so much that you sound like Factor himself. Our new robot overlord. I am Factor. Factor pines for death.

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yeah thanks to factor you'll save tons of time eat well and stay on track with your healthy lifestyle that's why they like i'm saying i'm healthy i love staying on track with your healthy lifestyle. That's why they like us. I love staying on track because I'm a choo-choo train. All aboard, Factor. Next stop. Healthy living. Jesus Christ. Oh, no.

You should shit all over that. I'm healthy. Oh, no. I'm a healthy wall. Oh, no. I just back-sword. Yeah. God, that's a reach. Especially the people that listen to us.

I don't know if they want a healthy lifestyle. It would shock their system, and they would have to go to the hospital. Or the houses. Veggies. It would shock their system and they would have to go to the hospital and have a bunch of veggies. Oh no. A lot of vegetables for methamphetamine use. This could be the start of a new healthy lifestyle for our listeners. A new healthy lifestyle?

Yeah, whip it out. Whip it out and eat it. You hate the nude lifestyle lifestyle you're scared of it factor craves cock get some sun on your dick i tried but well okay so what's nice is even if you're a little guiguo it doesn't matter what lifestyle you're following you could be vegan vegetarian counting calories a big fat piece of shit or looking to up your protein intake either way factor has something for you that's right you they've got over 34 meals to choose from each week so you'll never get bored and their gourmet plus option just let you level

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Hell yeah. Bow to Factor. You'll be able to bow again once you get healthy. Thanks to Factor. Factor decides who lives and dies. You're going to tear up at every country's national anthem because you're going to be an Olympic guy. You're going to love the Olympics.

You're going to love all countries of the world in different ways. You're going to speak several languages in the same conversation. I'm going to be waiting for Colton to come home. I'll be in heaven

keeping a seat for Burpo. My dear, I'm going to be the Burpo's. I wonder what they're up to. They're just over it. He's been a little shit ever since he came back.

He started jerking off immediately after he came back. His room lacking any reeks. They're like, all right, it's your turn, Terry. Get in there.

Talk to him. I don't want to. I did it last time. You should see the porno on his laptop. It's violent and scary. Just get in there. Be a man. I'll send you back to the Colton you went.

I don't need another can of this 8.6 You're gonna re-up? Bro I started drinking today at like 2 Nude at the beach? No, a bottle of rosé On the train Actually on the ferry back from

Belle Isle to Vaughn I got, we had a bottle of rosé And then I needed a little beer when I got on the ferry back from Belle Isle to Vaughan, we had a bottle of rosé. And then I needed a little beer when I got off the ferry to help my tummy. Oh, I hit a weed pen at like 3 in the afternoon. Nice. Just because I could on the ferry. And then beers and cognac and like two bottles of wine at dinner with a couple more beers. Now I got an 8.6 because a fucking arab guy told me it was what men drink he bullied you yeah it's been salt this salt

day looking motherfucker was like 8.6 is what you drink when you want to get drunk and i was like well i don't need i'm already drunk and he's like 8.6 is what you drink when you want to get drunk and i was like i'm already drunk and he didn't speak any english besides, 8.6 is what you drink when you want to get drunk. And I was like, I'm already drunk. And he didn't speak any English besides plugging 8.6. His brother founded it. Yeah, his brother's name is Point. So I'm fucking. He wanted it to be 7.6.

His brother was like, no, no, no, 8.6. And then nobody touched it for two years. So they're freaking out. Excuse me, big man, big big man you want to drink like a big man you drink 12.7 we only have a few cases but well and wine is what it's crazy how wine is like 12 so you can think that you're like getting twice like the the main culprit is the beer but it's not it's the rose a little pink bubbly can really get your gooch yeah my eyes already feel like they're boiling in my head i'm telling you you're looking to fucking hang over dead in the ass

is when your face hurts before you go to bed. Chug some water. No. Dick Penis used to drink some Coca-Cola before bed and that was his hangover cure. Yeah, he lived to be fucking 53. Set up the record for the Lund family line. Well, no. His thing was he didn't drink enough water it was always kool-aid or

sarsaparilla or yoo-hoo sarsaparilla who was the dude sioux city sarsaparilla you could get in the can i don't know where in in nevada you didn't drink that grocery store that's what big lebowski drank sash you're confusing your dad with jeff bridges again big lebowski drank white russians or the dude no remember he's the bowling alley and he meets the stranger and he goes sarsaparilla back there we got soon city sarsaparilla mighty fine sarsaparilla remember that you're talking about the stranger not the dude is that what you're saying no no no i'm not talking about camo or your joke about shooting an Arab on the beach. Remember when you did that?

You got mad at me for Fudge Judge and you told The Stranger to close on for like two years. No, that's not true. Fudge Judge sucks. The Stranger ruled. The Stranger was a tweet that probably 150 people had in an hour. And you were like, I thought of it first. That got me my first nomination for the Andy Kaufman Award. Oh, dude.

Doing that show, the Dark Hour in the Springs, was a fucking revelation. Just the Springs, man. It's like everybody in the crowd was exhaling their cigarette smoke as they walked in you know what i mean like they're out front smoking and then they like take that last drag like when they're inside you know like flick it just a whole other world man and i had to do dark stuff and the crowd i tried to make fun of luke stambo because he went up before me and they like liked him more than me or something or knew him and didn't know me. So they stonewalled my ass

for my first three minutes. I had to wear it. They like some guy who's been doing stand-up for two years that I've never heard of more than you. Three years. Well, they knew him.

They didn't love all of his jokes. He also did a voice. He was like, this is my impression of a black comic. It was like, whoa. Oh, he did his dark stuff. He's a wild man. Yeah, but that's all of his stuff is dark. It was dark outside, even though the sun hadn't gone down yet. Oh, no.

I did a joke that I like that I was worried about doing because there was a license plate in the parking lot that had DV on it. And I was worried because I have a joke about when I see a license plate and it says DV, I don't

think disabled veteran. I think domestic violence. And then I think, well, it's probably both. I didn't know if that was the move in Colorado Springs, but it was the fucking dark hour, so I did it. It actually saved my set. They were like, oh, he's cool.

No, he's not wearing it at all. He's completely nude. He's actually pretty good. Yeah, he doesn't have the hamper. He has no clothes. He's not wearing shit. He's the pretty good. The emperor has no clothes. He's not wearing shit. He's the hamper. Yeah, the springs is fucking funny.

Spring sucks. Somebody was smoking cloves. From there sucks. Oh, yeah. There's a total fucking bald weenus. You end up going up there, Becker. I went on Friday morning when it was cooler. I was afraid my carb had cut

up i'd be stuck on the side of the road what was so cool about it on friday morning was it topless friday no it's just like 20 degrees cooler outside so there was less chance of gas evaporating so it's about 11 degrees celsius okay see you're international now you're a real playboy real real uh fucking carmen san diego where in the world is sam fucking talent nobody knows wherever he is the wi-fi sucks wherever he goes it's always in a wi-fi sucks he's always in a hut with a fucking AOL disc that was provided by the owner of the apartment. I'm starring in a reboot of the movie Hook

as the fat kid who turns into a ball and rolls across the table. Alright? Okay. So that's pretty good. That's pretty great. You're not wrong. Also, this is funny.

I have a manager now, as I told you guys. Case manager. Yeah. You hit so super. You hit super. Case of 8.6 you're blackout out of anger at the wifi at the cabin

trying to make it look like an accident like you bumped into her but you shoved her into the wall said pushed her yeah face push real quick just bounce your head off the wall you're having another panic attack and you lashed out what were you saying something oh yeah oh a case of oh yeah podcast and i was like what do you mean and they were like well it's a zoom podcast and i was like yeah and they're like but you both live in Colorado? And I was like, no, I used to live in Colorado.

I don't anymore. And the other two guys live near New Mexico. And they were like, why don't you just fly in every week and do it? And I was like, you guys don't know where they live. They live in wild Bill Coney's mouth. You know what I mean? They don't live anywhere near. And they were like, well, we could figure out how to get you there every week and i was like i'd rather just quit doing the podcast

yeah well you'll have one less client yeah i'd rather be on dark hour yeah you would wearing it yeah i said something about moving from uh to trinidad because uh it's small and a girl up front was like it sucks and i was like yeah all right fine i like it i like it better than the springs and she she goes, Walsenberg's worse. And I was like, all right, we can agree on that. She knows her shit. When it comes to Walsenberg, there's like 24 people on a Carl's junior in Walsenberg. And that's where we ate that burger,

that burger challenge. And we didn't get a shirt. I think they just closed. I think they just had to go out of business soon after. No, they didn't have shirts to fit. You remember? They told us that they didn't have any shirts they were like they're coming and it's like well

maybe you shouldn't invest in printing shirts or else you'll have to get rid of half of your staff they were struggling no they could nobody's going through there they pulled that fucking american flag off the wall and they measured you to fit in it and it wasn't big enough it was it wasn't casket sized they gave me a folded up flag yeah and you ate it as if I was a military wife lost her husband it's like what do I do with this I can't wear this uh what the fuck was I gonna say oh yeah you should have told that woman in the front row instead of being like yeah Walsenberg we can agree on yeah you should have told that woman in the front row instead of being like yeah walsenberg we can agree on that you should have been like hey can someone get this

bitch pregnant it's the dirty hour can some minority come up here and impregnate this slut it's the dirty hour they would have loved that i don't know man well it was funny to do these dark, fucked up jokes, but the show went from 7.30 to 9. It's like the sun hadn't gone down yet. And that was my first joke. I was like, the dark hour? More like the it's barely dark hour. And nobody cared about that. And they're like, this guy sucks.

Bring back Mitch Jones or Luke. We want Zach Reiner without the uh experience mitch did good nice mitch had fun good what did mitch do first was mitch like imagine if you don't have story he was supposed to do 10. He did 11 and a half. And it was all the donut joke. No, he did good. And then we had Whataburger after. We went to Whataburger. How many times? Just once.

He got gravy for his chicken fingers, which I didn't know was a thing at Whataburger. But he was all about the gravy. Yeah, you have to know somebody to get that. The dip in gravy he's a frequent flyer at water burger i kept thinking he was gonna blow it and ask any of like elin stribling was on the show but he left like right after it ended and then there were just all of the you know all these people are like comics and and people that were in the show are up front smoking cloves hanging out and i just wanted to like

yeah a bunch of cloves no i smelled cloves was it called burpo the jarum yeah that's what was it there it smells like cloves and garlic yeah not garlic cloves cigarettes and like burnt garlic uh his mom's like colton were you at paris on the plat in 2004 what are you doing i was like rose bad rose and plat river water i said something to mitch about like yeah i'm gonna go to water burger and then go home he was like i was gonna go to water burger and i was like all right let's fucking make it happen and then he like offered his bowl of weed to charlie mcmullen and they started to have a bowl and i was like no let's get out of here we just said we were gonna leave you know but he said that uh a lot of times when he does shows at looney's he'll hang out for longer than he wants you know drinking or smoking weed and so i'm just sitting there

standing there outside being like please don't tell anybody we're going to whataburger because i don't want to turn into like seven of us holding court you know well which one you smoke weed with charlie because he wanted to get booked on a very bad show in pueblo in 2014 the worst show in colorado 10 years ago that was the first charlie mcmullen john brown and charlie mcmullen did was the impossible playhouse in pueblo that we did at the end of our tour with tobias in oklahoma the firecracker babies tour ended in pueblo and oh yeah shit uh charlie reminded me that you you had to ask him to like mail you your pants uh and your id because somehow you left one out of your two pairs of pants that had your driver's license in it why charlie's mom's house or something no we drove home that night we didn't stay there oh well then you changed like you you probably those were probably your show pants or something and so

you changed into them for the show and then out of them before we got back in the car or something fuck my show pants those were the days one pair of pants was for go one pair of pants was for show if I mix them up I'm gonna bring the pain to your candy ass in the parking lot start riffing doing crowd work at office depot oh good they can't hear me again

yeah I couldn't remember I couldn't remember you can't hear us Nathan froze there for a split second too. Fuck. Fuck. It's because Emily's on her phone. This is on you.

Emily's downloading something. Damn it. Megan's probably watching porn. You know, Angel. My internet's not fucking up. Oh yeah, you know angel my internet's not fucking up you're not oh yeah you get the good internet because you work for the man yeah i'm on that tit yeah we need to like uh sixfold our listenership on patreon and then i could go full-time on the pod you guys hear that we just hit 700 on the patreon why don't you guys get on there do you hear that burp just came out of me it sounded like a dog meowing this is a patreon episode this is a free one

what the fuck yeah the other one was patrion yeah becker made an executive decision i listened to it i told you there was a couple of times that he talked a little bit of other different stuff that was worth keeping but behind a paywall. What do you mean? About Dean Del Rey? No, about the people that we were concerned about. Ah, yes.

Yeah, one guy was a Dean Del Rey head. And we did not disparage. We just made fun of the fact that's a comic thing where it's like, who's partying tonight? And we did not disparage. We just made fun of the fact, like, that's a comic thing where it's like, oh, who's partying tonight? And we did not say that he's not funny, which he's kind of funny, right? I don't know. I saw him, like, seven years ago.

It's none of my business who's funny. No sacred cows, man. They can all suck my chode. Maybe we said he's a little guy because he's a petite monsieur for sure. Yeah, he's like 4'8". He looks like a 28-20 pant. We mentioned porn twice

and so you're looking at porn? Oh yeah, as Becker was saying before I coughed viciously and tasted blood and semen, 700 of you. 703 now have pledged your allegiance to the chubby behemoth patreon at patreon.com slash chubby behemoth and if you like podcasts where the internet is always good join that patreon because we never blow it over there and everyone's always happy with what we do so how much of what we just talked about do you think is going to be gone i thought it's just gonna be a little it's staying in it's still gonna be a very funny edit it's crazy also we

have to do like 20 more minutes to cover for your dumb ass and then me for four seconds. Yeah. Whoops. He's just some random wrestler. I thought the Ed Reed. Let's talk about Baltimore's D in 2000. Excited for the Broncos season? Yeah, I mean, it could be could be crazy. uh yeah i mean it could be could be crazy sean payton what if he just like kicks everybody's ass into shape and they uh they do it for the gipper i hope that he puts another head hunting bounty out on the defense that was sick i wonder if that was his call or the

defensive coordinator i can't remember if that came out or not. The defensive coordinator was a known bad boy of sport. So it could have been him. I think the defensive coordinator was Omar Gaddafi. Momar. Maybe Peyton knew about it. Because they were watching tape. Momar Epps. His name was Momar. Gaddafi? Yeah. Isn What was his name? Momar Epps. His name was Momar?

Gaddafi? Yeah, isn't that his name? I'm pretty sure. I'm supposed to believe a man's name is Momar in 2023. It's Omar with an M. What? Nomar? Like Garcia Parra? No, Momar. His name was Momar Gaddafi.

Ramon backwards. It's like Ramon Gaddafi Ramon backwards Ramon? Razor Ramon would be a good D coordinator Razor Ramon Rivas his name was Momar yeah pretty sure

that sounds like an Arab comic's whole name it's me Momar my mom talks like this who out there has had fig before whole name it's me mo mar my mom talks like this before shit what was i saying before the qaddafi corner came around uh something about sean pate being bronco'scos. Jerry Judy's hurt. That's fucked. We're fucked.

The whole thing's fucked. They all... I think they all watched the video back, so I think they all knew about it. But maybe it wasn't Payton's idea. Anyway, they got a Super Bowl, right? That was the Super Bowl year, wasn't it? So, come on.

You bet that they would win 10 games or 11? I think 11. I'll have to look at it when I get back in the States. That's just that. I think it was 9.5. That's good. Oh, yeah, because then it moved

to 10.5. No, it went the other way, didn't it? It was 11. I got it at 10.5. Oh. I don't know. All I know is that when it comes to headhunting, I would tackle your mother for Broncos to pull down 12 wins

and go to the semifinals. Is that all you'd do? I would headhunt your mom. I'd be like, hey, Mrs. Lund, let me go down on you yeah that would suck I'd do it for Broncos Nation yeah for Broncos Nation worldwide I'd be like hey Mrs. Lund

do you know my sunsets are orange and blue and she'd be like oh I'm coming she'd be like, Oh, I'm coming! She'd be like, don't tell Kim, but I blast it. This is the free one, you fuck. She'd be like, tell Nathan, no? God, I'm glad the internet

is working for this bullshit. I can hear you crystal clear. She'd be like, tell Nate. And I'd be like, you got it, ma'am. We've been away from each other so long you called me Nate like I'm a stranger. Like I'm the Camu.

I'm the random Arab on the beach. Nate. I'm going to start calling Jake Beck. All right. Start calling me something cool. Why don't you? There's people that do that. I'm going to start calling Jake Beck. Alright. Start calling me something cool. Why don't you? There's people that do that.

Call me something cool, I just said. I know, but I was trying to think because if you shorten your name to Tall, that seems off. Tall's good. You can be Tallman, like Sky. Sky Tallman. A real name from a human being not a lizard from jupiter sky tall man presents tall man the day the earth shuddered a film

oh i gotta burp again this is the worst pod we've ever done it's actually not. Thank God. At the start, I was like, fuck, we're fucked. I'm going to have to talk to Carlos for an hour and try to make him funny. Let's pretend you did. Ready? I'll be Carlos. You be one.

Ready? Go. No, no, no. All right, go. Come on. Carlos, how you been, buddy? Lots of great pictures of your time working for blm totally away i've been working for black lives matter for a long time no no you're working for on public land taking pictures surveying finding old bones and bringing them home that's a misconception way a lot of them don't sleep on public land and none of them have bones in their noses.

That's it. Yeah, you should definitely riff wasted about Carlos and Black Lives Matter. You fuck. Carlos is going to love this. Carlos just wants to take a skank fest. He'll put up with a lot as long as Skankfest is a thing

do you have any questions for me? yeah will you come pick me up to get cigarettes and dinner here in a little bit? aye via from here of course aye aye aye

I am a pilot I come on my boat You guys are going to be in Vegas together How about that Yeah it's going to be brutal The three amigos One bed Carlos at the foot of the bed

And then the two of you butt to butt Como el perro Like a dog Como el perro Eat Like a dog. Como el perro. Eat the dog. I eat the dog. Is also what I heard. I eat the dog. He eats the dog and then you eat him. Tell them about the Patreon, Lund.

We're going to say it again. Head over to patreon.com slash chubby behemoth. Man, we've been doing this for three years and uh in that time plenty of hilarious moments unforgettable episodes available behind that paywall five dollars a month gets you in there you can start blasting away you can lose your job at the grocery store because you can't get enough of our wonderful content in podcast form. And a lot of great video, thanks to Jake Becker,

available behind that paywall. You don't just have to listen to the audio episodes. Yeah, the really cool videos are packed. There's video of the Patreon episodes going back several months now. And yes, additional content, not just episodes anymore. We've got little funny videos that have been edited together by AI. Just kidding. It was Pat Richardson

who lives his life according to AI. He lives his life. He's good friends with Allen. Yeah, they were friends when Iverson played for the Nuggets. So sometimes you'll get a little video of Alan and Patrick shooting hoops. Patrick and Alan Iverson are friends because when Alan Iverson played for the Denver Nuggets,

he was so stoned that he thought Patrick was a chicken nugget from the old McDonald's commercials where they animated the Nugget family. Because Patrick's a fat guy. And he thought that Patrick was a chicken nugget baby. I waited two minutes for that to come through. It looks like Grimace took off his

purple hair suit and was just a chicken nugget underneath. Grim you. That's what Patrick says. A nugget that makes its own sauce. Gravy even. McDonald's creamy gravy

for your chicken nugs. Patrick stinks, but we rule. Come see me in Boston September 8th and 9th. Lund will be there. Come see me in Austin, Texas at the Mothership September 15th and 16th Lund will be there Come see me in Austin, Texas At the Mothership September 15th and 16th Lund will be there

And Becker allegedly High Plains Comedy Come on see me down there in Indianapolis Come on see me at Skankfest baby I don't feel good Fight through it Where are you going to be in Indianapolis? I don't know Let's comedy festival the headlining let's like l-e-t-s or what yeah yes like that i don't know if i could hear you

through your awful internet connection but i hate this i need to leave oh okay well that's your prerogative you're a free man thank you for listening it's been pretty good well it and i think it'll cut together to a fine episode that people will enjoy so thank you sam for taking the time to come out of the mountains of afghanistan where you're harvesting opium and making the people chuckle a little bit as they drive to work at the morgue.