Chubby Behemoth - One Was My Passion, One Was A Task

Episode Date: February 18, 2024

BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week the boys are joined by Jordan Doll! Sam tells the boys how to get to VR heaven. Jordan reveals the Jersey Mikes - DeVito connection, his modes of transportation, and paying drivers. Sam plans to leave behind some papers. Coach took as much as it gave. Nathan is the hero the city deserves, let him fry whatever he wants. Sam has some taste test relationship envy. Despite his best efforts Jordan DOES talk a little about entities. The boys conjured The Body Building Half Man of Crater Lake.    Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

okay hey three across welcome to three across the new york crossword podcast companion you do look like you write and design podcasts in your sweater jordan i feel like it this is my podcast design and sweater emanating heat yeah you're radiating you look cool though i've been trying to find one single garment in the fifth largest mall in the world today that fit me and unsuccessful you got to go to that weird store that sells like only only quest items they got a jeweled panther i'm sure they have some kind of sarapa right there's a flute made of bone yeah exactly uh-huh bring me antlers off a female deer and they're having they're having a clearance too which i can only imagine like is all the time.

Just like, please, somebody come buy this bejeweled panther. It's not moving. The bejeweled panthers aren't moving. No, we can't get a fucking single jeweled panther out of here. I told you, Terry, it's not bejeweled panther season in America. They're going to come around. It's the year of the goat, Terry. People need bejeweled panthers in Nyack. How are they going to welcome people to their yurt unless they know that it's the year of the goat terry people need bejeweled panthers in nyack how are

they gonna welcome people to their yurt unless they know that it's been blessed by the bejeweled panther dude there was like a fucking uh store we walked into called like virgins only or like uh dickless puds united it was some forever in cell yeah it was like an otaku store or whatever and they had a penny wise like full size figurine not the band i wish i would have dropped 1900 on that bro it was 1900 dollars dude yeah that kratos from god of war was 1500 who's just like window shopping in the mall and they're like oh full-size kratos yeah i don't need to pay the car note for the next three months. It's for practicing kissing, obviously. And seeing how your outfits fit on a man.

You feel his abs. You put a jacket on him. You have dinner with it. It's just chicks walking out with Kratos under their arm and then a big bottle of lube. Off to Spencer's Gifts to get you a girdle, Kratos. Let's go play a mini game. Let's go do a fucking quick time event, Kratos. No returns on Kratos.

We know what you guys are up to. Why is he so slippery? Do you have his little boy? No, sir. Beat it. Quit asking if we have his son. They hang up a sign in the store. We do not have Kratos' son.

Do not sell Kratos' son to this guy. It's a picture. It's mugshot. They moved immediately. They were gone day one. People lined up at the door. People, everyone, a line of men in fake mustaches. Yeah.

It was funny yesterday. We're in like the largest mall in all of the Western Hemisphere. And you hit me up and you're like, hey, I'm by the Best Buy. Where's the club? I have no idea. I'm not the Oracle. All right. Three miles north.

You're going to cross through the valley. Yeah. You've been playing Witcher 4 too much. Yeah. And you're like, he'll tell me where it is. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, Witcher sucks.

I'm sorry, dude. Witcher's great. I tried so hard. Wait, the show or the game? The game, dude. Oh, you're wrong. No, you told me to get Witcher. Oh, you're wrong.

And I got it. And then I was like, this sucks. Is it the first one? The first one sucks. No. The first one's bad. Second one's bad. Third one is one of the best games in, and I got it, and then I was like, this sucks. Is it the first one? The first one sucks. No. The first one's bad. The second one's bad. The third one is one of the best games in existence.

I think it was Witcher 3. It was the one you and Uris lost yourselves to. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Uris gained a lot to that game. Here's what happened to my copy of Witcher 3. I sold my grandma's car to make rent. She gave me a car, and I was down bad.

Jesus Christ. Down bad in LA. Whoa. And I ended up having to sell my car on Craigslist and these kids came and bought it. They seemed very nice. And a couple of days later,

they had propeller beanies where they dressed like Dennis Domenes. Hey mister, we're here for a car so we can go to the zoo. We want to go to the pickle museum. I want to go to the lollipop store. It's only a drive-thru.

And sold it to him. A couple of days later, I was like, oh, shit, I left my Witcher 3 in there. And I messaged him on the app and he blocked me immediately. I was like, what the fuck happened? And then a few months later, I got a call from the LAPD. on the app and he like blocked me immediately i was like what the fuck happened yeah and then a few months later i got a call from the lapd saying that that car had been used for crimes

almost exclusively crime and then you went full big lebowski you're like was there a witcher 3 in there yeah we got him working in shifts you go to the impound Lodge full of bullets. Listen, it's one of the best games of all time. Some people will tell you it's not. It's a little too dense. The magic system sucked. The magic system does suck, but the witcher isn't a magician.

The witcher is a swordsman. Hey, you guys can go ahead and tap out right here. No, no, no. Turn it off. Thanks for listening. This is going to be important. Crank it. We're getting somewhere.

Yeah. What do you mean he's not a magician? His name is The Witcher. He's not. He witches. Yeah, but that's for fun. He fights witches. Yeah.

I'm going witching. Right. He goes out and he fights a bunch of ghouls and goblins. Yeah, yeah. Super ghouls and ghosts. His magic is merely surface level. But then you go and you try and hack and slash, and you're like, this sucks too.

The hack and slashing is cool. I hate the camera angle. No qualm with that. How long did you play it for, 15 minutes? No, I tried to play it for like three hours. I got through the academy thing. I got into the village. I think he boned some chick.

I was like, swish. Jordan was right. That sounds like the Witcher. How do I play this with one hand? He's a weird hot mutant boning chicks throughout the fucking fantasy land. Yeah, there's like hooters in that game. There's tons of hooters. Yeah, which is cool.

And then there are repercussions for the hooters. Right, yeah. Like sometimes he'll be like, I'm going to have a threesome with three magic ladies. And then he like gets tied to like a mast and paraded in front of the town for being a hornball. And he has a boner the whole time. The whole time? You have to control it with a touchpad? I've never seen someone hung on two masts. That's interesting. Yeah, no, I wanted to play Witcher a lot,

but then I just got back into Ghost of Tsushima because it was cooler. Ghost of Tsushima kicks ass. Dude, I went full samurai for a while. It's fucking great. Yeah, it was great, dude. I want to play that VR Assassin's Creed. You're running, you're jumping. I want to play that too. i want to watch you play that from the first person i want to be in the room as you're playing vr assassin's creed dude when we got those uh heart attack we all got them yeah you've been dead forever but the dmt blast that comes in when

you die just has you trapped in there he's uploaded the way to go he's in there he's still playing his heart's not but he's still in there yeah it's like child's play if you die just has you trapped in there? He's uploaded. That'd be the way to go. He's in there. He's still playing. His heart's not, but he's still in there. Yeah, it's like child's play. If you die while you're playing VR, you go to VR heaven. Yeah. You're just up there. And then they just cut to you in your grave, and you're just like. What do you think happens in Assassin's Creed?

He gets laid like Witcher. Yeah. In heaven, he better get laid. I'm here to stab you. It's not just jumping in the bales of hay from up top. VR in general, like I want to like it, it's not

there yet. You're talking about the apple? Because everybody's saying the apple is where it's at. It's heavy on your head, it hurts after a while, and it's disorienting. I don't know if I'm just an old man about it, but if you're in there for long enough, you're like, oh. I've been playing for hours.

No one's witched anything. Who cares? I'm not built to be an assassin. He runs too fast. It's too kinetic. One of the greatest gifts that I ever received was David Borey got an Oculus and me and Mel

and Jancicok were sitting in the room as David was playing his Oculus and him like turning slowly and then crouching and his whole ass is out and then him like hopping up and like shooting over his head. Oh my god, dude.

Watching Borey immersed in the Matrix was the greatest. Incredible. He ate both pills. There are games that are cool, but they're small, one-room games. Work Simulator is a lot of fun. I know it sounds stupid, but it's really fun. What is it? Like Power Wash, but you work at a

car wash? Or like goose simulator? It's like robots are trying to interpret what human work is. Like this is where humans would go to work in an office. And it's fun, and you stand in one room, and there's like little puzzles. But anything where you have to

run and jump and leap, it just doesn't i don't know it doesn't do it for me because you can't jump in real life exactly you have to like move forward on the pad and you look you feel like you're moving but your feet aren't moving so you're kind of like it makes it makes me motion sick i tried to play some war game with tommy pope over oculus yeah it was so stupid because he'd be like all right run 100 yards up and then i would find myself just leaning into it as i'm pushing forward yes like the wind is bracing me and i was like dude this sucks i'm sorry i think it will happen i think eventually it'll get there you need you need a track you need a treadmill did you see there's disney unleashed some kind

of track thing yeah yeah they cracked open walt's grave after 100 years and he had the blueprint they had to fight him for it. One day. Wasn't going to give it up. Is that Walt Disney? I'm Walt Disney. I have returned from the grave. The Disney vault.

Bring me Mickey. As soon as the Steamboat Willie trademark becomes public domain, use this so that we try to do some damage control with all the porn. Yeah. We'll bring Walt back. He wants to see the steamboat. Put him in VR. Cleveland steamboat, Mickey. It's just like I imagined.

I am Walt Disney. Yeah, he's gotta be a vampire, right? Yeah. He doesn't want to be woken up until there's vampire technology. Hey guys, don't thaw out my head until I can live even longer. Don't thaw out my head until you can put it on Arnold's body.

And I want Danny DeVito's thick cock. Twins. Not a lot of people know this. He's all dick from the waist down. It's like a Jabba the Hutt situation. He's like Slurms McKenzie. He's just slithering around. Dude, Danny's cashing in.

He's crushing in. Well, he's doing the Jersey Mike. He wants to leave money behind. He has been a huge proponent of Jersey Mike's. He went to the first Jersey Mike's in Jersey and used to eat there as a kid. What? Yeah. Oh, that's cool.

He's like a friend of Mike or something. He's like, bake me into the bread. I don't want to cough. I want to burst out of a sandwich. Yeah. Do you guys do a dang DeVito calzone? No, this is a sandwich place. Do you do a Danny DeVito calzone?

Yeah, he loves those singers. Me and Steven Fine Arts pitched Danny DeVito on his final film. We actually came up with a real nice romantic thing where his wife dies, so he tries to fall back in love with his high school fling. And she's living in Berlin as an artist, so he goes to Berlin, and Berlin's the backdrop.

And she turns him down, so he has to kind of have his lost in translation, lost period in Berlin in the nightclubs with all the old freaks who live there. Yeah. Yeah, we didn't make it more than five minutes into the pitch before he was like, click. The Zoom window went blank. What? Yeah.

I got to go. I got to eat a sandwich. I got to get baked into a sandwich. I get a free sandwich a day, but I have to get there before four. Yeah, I'm sorry, guys. This is a great little thing you guys worked real hard on. What a fucking power move, though, if somebody is pitching you something and a long- jersey mike's just starts poking into frame yeah but then somehow you see his hands aren't touching it

he's typing he's got an apparatus i'm gonna tune my guitar while i eat this sandwich real quick that is a fun idea i thought you were goofing and then you got to the end and i was like oh that is that's a sweet idea. Oh, yeah, if you had some kind of appendage you could attach it to. Oh, no, no, no, about the movie idea. Oh, it's a good idea. Don't take that, listeners. You and who?

Danny. And Steven Fine Arts. Who's that? He directed Bitter Buddha and a couple other things. Him and Borey have been collaborators on stuff. I was like, man, you live a whole life without me that I don't know about. Danny DeVito's involved briefly. Yeah, there was a Danny DeVito interlude that you weren't privy to.

Did he just click off? No, no. He was very nice about it. But he's like, I'm looking for something more for kids. Because he wants to do his last film. He directs it. He stars in it. And we were told he wanted it to be

his Oscar win, his push to the top. No, it ended up he wanted a kid's movie he could leave behind that would be a revered classic. Steamboat Danny. He did Matilda. Steamboat Danny. When I think about you, dude, I often think about you on one of those hand carts going through the mountain.

Yeah, that's how I travel. That's why it took you three and a half hours to get here from Brooklyn. With a chimpanzee or a donkey or something. Yeah, the chimp's in charge. He's yelling at me. The chimp's blowing on the jug so Jordan can keep time. Have you been on this podcast before? No. Jordan Dahl, everyone.

Hey, hello. Sorry. We're good at talking people up. The room's filling with pod. Have you been on this podcast before? No. Jordan Dahl, everyone. Hey, hello. Sorry. We're good at talking people up. The room's filling with pod. We make people read the description so that they get the promo codes, they get the name of the guest. Hang on, someone's tunneling in.

There's 75 people working right now. There are 75 people on staff. Yeah, there's 75 people coming to the show. It's a one-to-one we're in the we're in the panic room of the west niac levity live yeah which don't god forbid you call it the improv yeah i kept i kept trying to tag the west niac improv i mean it's the improv yeah we're in an improv here i've had i've had those buffalo boneless wings somewhere before yeah in your nightmares dude when he dropped off those fucking red pellets i was like oh this is gonna be fun to watch the meat the very least i was hoping that there would be

actual pieces of meat and it's like no these were printed right these are these are full-on spheres right when the gobstopper machine yeah when they're out of sugar they just put in the fucking chicken paste yeah it was it was a paste i told jordan last night i'm so glad that you are the host this weekend because you know me and him being together it's great we know exactly what we're getting but then the there's still the wild card of sure local host big mel out rise of the lycan he was like it's the third underworld movie but i didn't know who signed it big mel signed it in 2022 and it just says rise of the lycan and jordan was like oh that's a weird name for a comic and i was like no that's the thank

you for having me the guy's name is is Big Mel. Because backstage, there's all like, hey, thank you, Wes Nyack. Five sold out show. I love being here. Guy Torrey. Yeah. And Big Mel's version of that was just Rise of the Lycan. Rise of the Lycan. Like he had just seen it or something or was like really pumped about the Underworld series.

Does he have a bit? Is there a bit about Rise of the Lycan? That was what I was thinking. Maybe he looks like a werewolf, so he has a joke where he talks about Rise of the Lycan? That was what I was thinking. Maybe he looks like a werewolf, so he has a joke where he talks about Rise of the Lycans. What a fucking set that would be for his closer. You just metamorphosis. Remember that movie where it was the first time

they had the guy go through the werewolf transition? And they showed it on Entertainment Tonight a lot. Just that and his face growing. American Werewolf in london yes terrifying it's a terrifying scene it's a fucking great movie that may be the best werewolf movie there is well don't say that to stefan williamson what is he like i told jordan i told jordan last night i saw the first underworld world with stefan williamson in theaters yeah and like at the end of the movie like stefan like wasn't talking and was like, we get out and we're walking to the car.

And I was like, that was pretty good. And Stefan said, pretty good? It was werewolves in the Matrix. He was trying to fucking process it. He was so mad at me for the ride home. He's like, pretty good. What are you talking about? He dressed in skin tight leather for the next two months.

Yeah, he did full blade. His shades got ever slimmer. Yeah, I mean, that was a good movie. And that chick was so hot. She was a real babe. Kate Beckinsale. Kate Beckinsale. That was Kate Beckinsale.

Oh, yeah. Shit, dude. God. Fucking. What was the name of the chick who was in? Keira Knightley. V for Vendetta. Natalie Portman.

Oh, my God. Sure. I got Natalie Portmania For a while Yeah She bit me She was like a tick She burrowed in

She didn't have them She got Lyme disease Oh yeah She didn't have them She didn't need them She didn't need them That was the crazy part Yeah she looked like

Kratos' son She had that She was like give me She had that intensity She had them But they were eyes Right yeah I was like well I've never

Seen a face before. Double D eyes. Her eyes have them. You know, I want to talk to you about someone who has them after the show. Okay. Because you said that there was a person with the initials MY who had the best ones. Oh. Remember you brought this up to me one time?

No. Because we were talking about a former fling that we both shared. Oh. And I was like, those were the best ones. And you were like, no, no. M-Y. Oh, okay.

You don't want to explore this any further? No, no, no. They're all a blur. Yeah. They all just run together for old Jordan over here. She lives in Denver. Blonde performer. Singer.

No. Come on. I don't know. Bartender, singer. Work at the Metal Ark. God, you just know. Oh, you were just blacked out. I forgot.

You were neckless. No neck, no memory. Remember when you tried to pay my mom like she was a cab driver? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I tried to pay a lot of people. Back in the day, I was a bit of a boneless buffalo wing myself. Yeah, you were like, tut-tut, driver, make haste.

My mom was like, where are we going? Jim's house? It's my house now, bitch. Yeah. Yeah, you were a necklace ghoul, but now you've come a long way. Yeah, it was a very specific kind of drunk, too. yeah yeah you were a necklace ghoul but now you've come a long way yeah the old the old it was a very specific kind of drunk too i'd hit like one too many shots right and just it was your 11th jameson somehow those little those little wooden dolls that you press the

button on and all the bones go out that was you yeah your neck you would just go from like swinging the funniest guy in the room to hunk. Yeah. Like, okay, let's get him out of here. Get the cart.

Boy, I can remember it happening like mid-conversation a couple of times. Where people, I was like, yeah, it's a great time. Hunchnerf. Yeah.

Hunchnernt. Hunchnernt. Here's another thing about StarCraft, boys. Never played StarCraft. God god that was the big one for all the dorks i knew never played it never got into magic the gathering yeah that's for losers shut up we went we went to slime world first today oh my god and we were disappointed because it was almost only like children being taught or making a craft it was like appointment you have to pay it was slime

school not yeah not look around the slime of the world i wanted to get my fucking masters in slime i love slime i don't know if you know this your slime head like the uh like the ones the kids make online yeah like when i lived in vegas and i was so alone because emily was in med school i was writing my novel while making slime while making And one was my passion and one was a task. I made so much slime, dude. Emily would be like, I'm going to the store. Do you need anything? I'd be like, yeah, shaving cream,

clear Elmer's glue. See if they have borax. She's like, what are you making? A bomb? I was like, well, that'd be better, honestly. I'm making something that is the bomb. I'm making a replacement for you. Yeah, that was the other novel that got sidelined was the slime makers burden. The slime Smith's gamble. Yeah, they're going to when I die.

There's going to find my papers. You know how like Hemingway would write to like Kerouac. Yeah. No, this is going to be slime. We're going to get some really heady shit here. Sam slime. The perfect slime. It's got some really heady shit here. Sam Talent, the perfect slime. All day today, we have walked around a mall, stoned so many of the same stores from when I... My first job was in a mall.

So all day, I have felt... He worked at the lemonade stand. He was with a lemonade girl. Yeah. Remember the hot dog on a stick girls? Oh, yeah. I was one of those. Oh.

I had to go to court because they didn't want to hire me. Oh. I was like, guess what, bitch? Equal opportunity goes both ways. He was like the first male server at Hooters. That's why you have an unlimited supply of corn dogs to this day. I had an old joke that was based on real events, which was I worked in the mall like 16 to 16 and a half. And you had at the Cinnabon, you could get a soda for 75 cents.

With your employee discount. If you worked in the mall. So I knew that, took advantage of that. And then like 10 years later, I'm visiting my parents in Henderson. And I go to the Galleria Mall. And I want a soda. So I go to the Galleria Mall, and I want a soda. So I go to the Cinnabon. Hey, large soda, please.

And also, I work here at the mall. And the woman goes, yeah, I know. And it chilled me to the core. I was like, what do you mean? I haven't even been in this mall in a decade. And I must have looked like some loser. Somebody else. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You look like a GameStop manager. I look like I manage a footlocker. No, you look like an associate manager, and you really want the boss's job. But you've got to ride that shit. You've got to be like, yeah, that's right. I do work here. I want two sodas. I want a Cinnabon.

I want a Cinnabon I can drive home. I want your hat. Give me your hat. Give me your apron, toots. Give me your social security number. And the biggest Cinnabon imaginable. I want something that's an affront to God. Yeah, it was wild.

It scared me. You've always worked here, don't you? That's what I used to do on stage. You've always worked here, Mr. Torrance. Mr. Torrance. Spare the hot dogs. Spoil the child. Her face turns into a skull.

It was crazy. We went to Spencer's today. We went to a fucking Wexel's Pretzels. We went to a goddamn... Hot Topic, of course. Hot Topic. We kept asking if they have Chevelle shirts in all these stores. And they were like, what's Chevelle?

Chevelle's not hot. Yeah. Did you know that GameStop gets robbed more than any other store? I didn't know that. It's like way high up on the list of like armed robberies. Loss prevention nightmare. Got all those video games back there. One got nervous at the Wetzel's Pretzels because there were five young black men in front of us.

No, I thought it was like, let's bail, bro. I said let's bail because I thought it was going to take forever for seven dudes to get a pretzel and a drink. You're going to eat all the pretzels. They'll be all gone by the time you get there. I wasn't nervous. Let's get out of here, man. I was a little nervous. Did they have face masks on?

They all had balaclavas on. It's freezing outside. So almost immediately I was like, yeah, that's fine. But maybe we should ban them. Philadelphia's right. They shouldn't be covered up. Yeah, I'm with Paris. Get that's fine. But maybe we should ban them. Philadelphia's right. We shouldn't have. They shouldn't be covered up. Yeah, I'm with Paris.

Get rid of the whole headgear. Philadelphia's trying to ban young black men? They want to get, like, any type of face covering. Oh, the balaclava. It's illegal, yeah, which is insane. They can do that, but if they try and ban the baklava, I'm going to war. I'll be right there. I'll be armed to the teeth.

Front line. So sticky. We'll go to the Pete's Kitchen like it's the border. We almost stayed at Pete's Kitchen. Seal the windows. Thursday night we were in Denver and we thought about sitting down at Pete's Kitchen but we didn't do it. That's the thing. Pete's Kitchen

while a staple, it's not somewhere you want to like go visit. It's not like I crave like, oh, I want to go get a weird omelet with sausages that have been clearly cut up with scissors in it. Remember the coach? Yeah, fuck. I mean, no. You got hypnotized. It took as much as it gave.

Tell the folks at home what a coach was. The coach was they had a breakfast burrito at Pete's Diner in Denver. Colfax and Williams, I believe. Yeah. Not Williams, Race. Breakfast burrito was already a monster. It had like a full omelet in it, tons of potatoes. They put green chili on it most of the time.

Right. And if you went in and asked for the coach, which we named they'd be like what are you talking about and then it would but eventually it caught on yeah and they would make their shirts all the waitresses had them on they would put uh corned beef hash and cheese and chili on top of it so it's a fucking breakfast burrito gravy the size of your younger brother when he was born, covered in gravy and fucking corned beef hash and cheese. And depending on who was working, sometimes just a handful of something else. Yeah, yeah. They put caramel dressing on it.

Peppermint candies. Yeah. There's pennies in it. Handful of free condoms. Be safe, kids. And we'd go in there after the squire. kids. And we'd go in there after the squire. Because like we were saying earlier,

and we've said before, Sam and I, you were maybe even ahead of us as far as being gross, but getting laid. Yeah, dragging it around. You weren't as gross, but you were definitely getting in there. Because you're 6'2", or whatever. You were more whimsical.

Yeah. That's what the chicks love. The chicks love when you ask them a riddle yeah and if they do if they can't pass your riddle yeah they have to go on a date with you yeah you did the equivalent of like what's this behind your ear it was like a rose instead of a coin they were like oh that i ate a coach last night it was barry switzer like i got real drunk and i woke up i blacked out and i woke up and i burped and i like tasted like gyro meat 17 things yes six meats and i remember thinking like man that's the fucking

that's the hack dude that's the way to do it it doesn't count you don't have to think about it you don't have to remember it but you get all the nutrients yeah it's like it's like a guy who smokes a bunch of crystal meth so he can go to the glory hole and not feel gay that was lund but it was pbr and the coach it was was $17 to $22 depending on... Remember, it depended on who rang you up. Yeah, it was a whole situation. Remember that lady with the ponytail who'd be in there late? If you had her at the counter, you were fucked. You're paying for

water if she's at the counter. And it made your hair grow two inches every time you ate one. Yeah, my fingernails came back. I got to be a little Batman at Pete's Kitchen. I don't know if either of you were with me you mean fat man no no no fat batman uh both uh two youngsters two young uh dickheads tried to walk out without paying and i grabbed them and nice brought them back in

i said oh no you don't i only grabbed one incredible i grabbed him by the hoodie and i pulled him back in, and I said, fucking pay this woman for whatever you ate. They were also rude to her. They were like, fuck you, bitch. I'm not paying. And I was like, nope. Yeah, nice.

And pulled him back in, and I ate for free that long arm of the wand. Good for you, man. That's fucking great, dude. I ate pussy for free. I'll have the pussy. Number four? Yes. They're like, how can we repay you?

You're like, I want 20 minutes in the kitchen alone. Give me the keys to the pussy. Number four? Yes. They're like, how can we repay you? You're like, I want 20 minutes in the kitchen alone. Give me the keys to the freezer. Keys to the chili vat. I know you got a room back there. Have Pete sign a piece of paper that says, I'm allowed to fry whatever I want. If I bring it in, someone will deep fry it for me. No charge.

I want that frame. I can eat it here or take it to go. Bunch of Carl Budding ham, a flip flop. Dude, you know about Carl Budding? Yeah, of course. Dude, I've talked about Carl Budding on here a lot. It was like a quarter. It was fucking so nasty, dude. It was paper thin. It was literally like a slurry of meat that they

poured into a cube and then shaved into a packet. And it was. It was like 25, 35 cents at a certain point. And it was perfect because you just fucking open that packet and you put it on the bread with some mayonnaise and you got a sangria with the fish and whole. If you even need bread, eat that shit straight out of the thing.

Just tickets. Slice of cheese on either side of it. It's the keto treat. It is the most processed of meat. It was like gritty. They didn't even take the bones out. My grandpa loved it. He meat it was like like gritty like they didn't even take the bones out no my grandpa loved it he thought it was like gourmet sure old dudes love weird loaves well my grandpa also went through the uh the canned hash and then also the vienna sausages yep yep the

canned hash is better than almost any diner home fry it's all sorts yeah i do like it though yeah the fucking vienna sausages have a loose consistency that I don't enjoy. They fall apart in your mouth. They do. Oh, what about this? With the Carl Buddig, ham and turkey, slimy, weird. Yeah. Pastrami, not bad.

Interesting. Corned beef. I couldn't disagree more. I think the darker the budding, the worse the juice. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah. But the turkey was all about. A rift in the podcast.

Yeah. Thank God you're here. Yeah, I don't think I agree with that. We would get the salted meats. We're good, man. Thank you. Fuck, are we going to have to eat Carl Budding after this? Are we going to have to do a blind taste test?

That's ham. That's pastrami. That's a dollar bill. You can't fool me. That's a roofing tile. Nice try. I've taken the budding challenge before. Sure, they all taste like thumbs, but this one has a one on it i always get jealous of the guys who do this the cola taste

tests oh yeah like they have set up there's like four of them jealous like you couldn't do it well go ahead no go i just i get jealous of the fact that their girlfriends are the ones filming them yeah and they'll be like oh that's quok and their girlfriend will be like keep tasting No, go. I get jealous of the fact that their girlfriends are the ones filming them. Yeah. And they'll be like, oh, that's Quoke. And their girlfriend will be like, keep tasting. Keep trying. They're leading them. And they're like, OK.

And they taste this one. And they're like, oh, that's RC Cola. And she's like, she's all stoked. I love you so much. Just a relationship involved soda experiments. Yeah. For Valentine's Day, we had soup. My girlfriend would be, she'd be bothered that I took her away for this. Right.

And she would be exhausted by the second soda. Well, also. Rightfully so. You need to make the secret display case. Come on, I need to put it on TikTok. I need 16 likes. Jordan, what are you doing with all that fiberglass? Shut up.

You get the workshop from two to four. Becoming legend. Yeah. you get the workshop from two to four becoming legend yeah sam you did you and emmy did a soft uh soda water taste test oh interesting a lacroix it was a bubbly it was a lacroix it was a uh polar polar and then there's the one that's like seltzer aid which i thought would have chunks in it but was remarkably fluid There's no chunks. Pimento. Clam chowder. Pimento.

A little water. Remember Orbeez? Oh, Orbitz. Is that what it's called? Orbitz. No, that was the gum. The gum was Orbitz. Yes, I remember.

Was it called Zorbs? Zorbs. Something like that. It was a drink. It was like a Fruitopia. Yeah, but it had little gummies floating in it. Balls. Early Bola.

For people who like something bumping them in it for people who you know like something bumping them in the face when they're sipping a soda yeah they want to chew their beverage it wasn't early boba but they didn't lean in enough so it wasn't like boba size it was like little gummy upsetting flex they tried to put it with like gamer fuel type thing yeah yeah i remember seeing it a lot when we would go snowboarding in like the ski shops. You gotta jam a 50-50 rail. You need to drink

some Orbeez. Is it a funny shaped bottle? Yeah, kind of a clearly Canadian thing. Yeah, I don't even know if I tried those because I knew I wouldn't like it. Dude, if they had

those for sale in the mall and we stumbled across those i'd be sure i was dead how many zin do you have in right now that's none of your business i'm rocking i couldn't understand you i've got one hit it sounded like a lot sam you went to japan we were just talking about it did you have the um the soda with the marble in it push the marble down that shit's good what ramune we didn't come across it's good it's got a weird fruit flavor that's hard to distinguish what about you know about picari sweat i know about it i haven't had it it's? Oh, my God. It's like its own weird little Gatorade flavor. Yeah. And so it's not like it reinvented the game, but it's tasty.

I like it. You know what it tastes like? You remember the Bomb Pop? The red, white, and blue popsicle? Oh, yeah. It tastes like the white. Whoa, crazy. Yeah.

Yeah. It's really good, dude. It is about that. We went to wrestling in Japan. Nice. And we went to a gas station afterward and me and bonzo got like end of day shoot beers and lun got a fucking gallon and a half of picari sweat and drank it in the parking lot you come across it a lot in the machines and it's a little normal

like 10 ounce whatever but then yeah but then there was a giant one and i was like yeah fuck yeah and we had we had we had been walking so much. Oh, it's like electrolytes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that, it really was like, and not super, super sweet, which was nice, too. I've heard. I don't want a bunch of sugar in my gallon and a half. The chillest of exotic fucking gamer fuel.

Man drippings, yeah. I've heard that Japanese convenience stores are a thing of wonder and beauty. They're the best, dude. They have eel on a stick in there. And then you can buy tickets to the wrestling show. And then there's the room upstairs behind the curtains where it's just straight up bondage.

There's one of those vending machines with women's panties in them and social security numbers. I desperately tried to find a panty vendor, and I couldn't find it. I wanted to do it for the gags, and also I wanted Emmy to make a couple moves and pay for our hotel room. Get in the game. Yeah. I think it was a stunt that somebody did, and they were like, they got this all over Japan.

And I was like, no, they don't. Well, Emmys are like a Rose Arch test by the end of the day. So I was like, Emmy, put those up in the window and see what people think subconsciously. Yeah. She looked like she was gonna fucking be in The Watchman. Lord. Yeah, no, Japan's cool.

You should get over there. You'd love it. I wanna go. Yeah, you would look like who goes there, though. Yeah. And I don't mean like riddling people behind the drawbridge. I'm huge in Japan. Literally. You think you're big. Dude. I want to eat all of the food that they have.

I watch, I'm obsessed with those weird like Netflix shows that are like comedy, drama, food things. You told us about one. Dude, Contaro. Contaro. Contaro, sweet tooth salary man. You know it would be funny if it was sweet tooth from Twisted Metal. But he works a desk job.

Just eats omakase every day. Once I am done with my deliveries, I will bring hell to the parfait shop. Did you watch Heavy Metal? No. Have you watched Twisted Metal? No, I heard it was good. I will bring hell to the parfait shop. Did you watch Heavy Metal? No. No, I heard it was good. I watched it. People said it was good. I watched the first episode.

Fucking Thomas Hayden Church was in it. Whoa. From Wings. I love Thomas Hayden Church. Yeah, lol. Lol. Yeah. Lol.

And famously hangs dong in the wine movie. What's the wine movie? Sideways. Yeah. You see it? Oh, yeah. He gets chased out of a woman's apartment. He has a mean piece, too.

He's got the piece, dragging it around once again. Yeah. Straight doll. Yeah. Tripping over it. Gets a cop in the spokes. Plugs up a bottle of wine. Yeah.

It's stuck. You got to save me. Help. And then what's his name? Old googly eyes. He's like, I can't help you. What are we doing? Pig vomit.

Because he looks like a pig and it makes me want to vomit. We fleeced my mother. He's good in The Left Behinds. It was great. It was great. The Holdovers. The Holdovers. Even better.

The Left Behinds. i don't know left behind was the christian book series yeah yeah we know it was important to both of us yeah i read wasn't candace cameron i read him no kirk cameron is in the movies yeah i read those books and i was like whoa that maybe this is how it goes down yeah i've heard that they're good that's how dumb i mean i was a i was probably 16 when i read fearing god and i had already read like stephen king and stuff so it didn't really hold up but the story was solid and then by like the fifth book it was just kind of off the rails i don't know now i know that i said i wasn't going to talk about entities but there's a thing happening in the ufo community what's up that i need to tell you about yeah

please the idea are they out there is that humanity is an experiment it's the alien ant farm yeah yeah um just like the movies. Exactly. And that all human religion was planted here by extraterrestrial intelligences to make us follow some sort of order, some sort of innate thou shalt not kill kind of thing. Give us something

to look at, to pay attention to, to believe in. And the reason they can't reveal aliens is because if they do, then the experiment's over and they'll wipe us whoa yes please so that would be that'd be the shaking of the etch-a-sketch yeah they'd melt down the planet and start over as they have so many times before what that's what they say you mean we're just an echo that's what they say whoa they're trying again i like this kind of stuff because you brought this up with my dad, he'd be like, no.

No, they're fucking alien ships, stupid. What are you talking about? My dad's such a hardline aliens are out there guy. Yeah. But that's Jordan saying they're out there. Yeah. I agree they're out there, but I don't think that they're going to come through

and just start over. I don't think they're going to crumple up the blueprints and throw them in the cosmic trash. So the kind of understanding at this point is that they're here and they've been here for a really long time. Right. And they live like in the middle of the earth. They live in the middle of the ocean.

USOs. Yes, exactly. They're doing something with humanity where either vessels for souls, they're harvesting our soul, our organ energies. Yes, some kind of chi. Exactly. Organ energies. Yes, some kind of chi. Exactly.

Or it's some kind of, you know, something more than a zoo, but less than a mine for souls. They're coming to visit their experiments, right? Right, exactly. In the same way that we study, you know, the pandas or the chimps. They're like, look at them go. Isn't that crazy? But at the same time, it's like, why don't they help? Well, why don't you help the ants when the ant pile is getting destroyed because you don't care when you're pissing on that and you're pissing on that ant which i've been doing non-stop down in southern colorado oh my god ant families

destroying entire generations you know how long it takes them to build that network of caverns i'm not even looking at i'm on my phone my phone. Like, oh, wow. Cool. I pissed on another one. Donovan McNabb highlights. I'm just like eradicating. They have religions based on the time Sam pissed on the anthill. Yeah. The great pissing.

It's because of the gay ants that we had the flood. Well, I took Emmy down to where I walk around in the public space, and I was like, oh, look at all these ant piles. We have to find some grasshoppers come spring. And she was like, why? And I was like, you rip the legs off, and you walk around in the public space, and I was like, oh, look at all these ant piles. We have to find some grasshoppers come spring. And she was like, why? And I was like, you rip the legs off, and you leave them in the ant pile, and you watch them fight.

And she was like, I have no interest in that. And it makes you feel like a god. Yeah, exactly. We used to do that so much. You get half of a worm, put it in the ant pile. You tear apart, you make an animal helpless, put it in the ant pile, and then you get an erection. Yeah, and then you show it to them.

And you say, the eclipse is here here look at your obelisk it's like 2001 oh no oh those poor guys yeah the obelisk was just god's dick i've told sam but uh and i don't know if i've ever told you but like after college uh spent a lot of time in henderson nev Nevada with my high school buddies and we would capture we somehow got like a little terrarium I think we found one that somebody put on the curb and so we had this little terrarium and we would get like a camel spider

nowhere near the size of in Iraq but still an actual camel spider, yeah they're fierce and we'd have two of them fight in the terrarium or one time it was a camel spider. Yeah, they're fierce, whatever. And we'd have two of them fight in the terrarium. Or one time it was a camel spider versus a scorpion. Oh, huge. And it was so fun.

Yeah? So stupid. But we had so much fun, dude. Bunch of 13-year-olds pumping dollar bills in the air. This is 22. Oh, OK. Tamale! We could drink and smoke weed while we watch the insects battle.

See, that's something else. That sounds like a pretty good time. Oh, dude, yeah. You thought mine sounded bad? No, yours sounds good. Okay, thanks. It does. I just mean at 22 it's different than when you're 13.

Yeah, he fucking organized some kind of Yakuza event. He was 37 pissing on the anthill. 36. It's fun to bore a hole in one side and then watch them all flow out of it. If you can get all the way, like, you know, this is me racing the train. Guys, I think we can

I'm John Henry. Put all of these activities onto one ant pile. Yeah. A camel spider fighting a scorpion. Sam's pissing on it. Us pumping dollar bills in the air. There are 13-year-olds there. Smoking and drinking.

We let them come over. They can't drink too much. They can have a little weed. Enough to make things significant, you know? Yeah. Make it real, damn it. Yeah. Speaking of significant, I think we need to do an ad read.

Great. Do you have it on your phone? Picari Sweat. No, you guys don't send it to me for some reason. Oh, yeah, we can't trust you with it because you always try to, quote, unquote, punch it up. We'll get to it. Give me my phone. Give me my phone.

Here you go. Oh, yeah. I wanted to ask you something, but I forgot. Oh, yeah, you inhabit New York City. I do. Yes. Have you... Oh, that was the question.

What was your mall growing up? Oh, dude, our mall was the fucking Glenwood Springs Mall. It was dominated by a Kmart and Mark's Toys and Pets. What? Under one roof? Oh, yeah. There was a JCPenney's at one end and a Kmart at the other end, and all of it was dying, Sam.

Oh, yeah. For sure. Constantly. We had a sword shop. The sword shop was constantly doing booming business. Oh, my God. We went there together. Because of you.

We went there. Yeah. Yes, dude. And that's where we found Gunsword Cane. Gunsword Cane. Yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. It was a cane that had a gun as the grip.

But then you could pull the gun out, and there was a sword attached to the gun sheathed in the cane. How many did you buy? We backed up the truck. It was a bad gun. It was a bad sword. And it was a bad cane. Ah, that sucks. But still, it was a gun, sword, cane.

God. What if the sword was also an umbrella? A penguin special. And a radio. They call that a cobble pot. The cobble pot. Get down the cobble pot. We've got some serious buyers here.

That was also the same trip where we had two legendary zing arounds. There was Rick DeSimone staring at the night sky at Brett Hiker's parents' house as we're all having laughs. And then Rick out of nowhere just said, the stars are dead. We thought we were having such a good time. Oh, no. And we were like, look, Rick's communing with nature.

And he was thinking about the heat death of the universe. All the stars are dead. Yeah. It's like, okay, Rick, we're going to go and eat some more venison. Let's get you to bed. Yeah. It's like, okay, Rick, we're going to go and eat some more venison. That's a wrap on Rick. Let's get you to bed. Yeah, that's a wrap on Rick.

Round of applause, everyone. And then, of course, the bodybuilding half-man of Crater Lake. The bodybuilding half-man to prepare to struggle. He's like this big. Yeah.

He's ripped, but he doesn't have any legs, so he runs around either on a skateboard or on his knuckles and comes at you and gets you gets your shins and your knees yeah he like grab he like wraps you up and he says prepare to struggle you can shake him off kind of an urban legend we cooked up but at the same time it was a bit of a slender man we felt like we conjured him into reality yeah

yeah like oh no what have we done what's that called? A talkie? Oh, a tulpa. Tulpa, yeah. What, half man? No, when you... Speak something into existence. Yeah, yeah. It's like a weird, I think, Buddhist idea that you can concentrate your mind into a thought form, like you can make a being. Like if we all thought about Annana nicole smith on all

fours right now we might be able to bring her back to life for like hundreds of years but we had like rotating monks doing right i'm thinking it takes at the same spot being like and a nicole with three, like in Total Recall. And a triple. And she'd come back screaming like, Help! I was at peace. You freed me from my cosmic heaven. Total Recall, baby.

We also did that morning show. Oh, yeah. Have you ever seen a dead body, Trisha? Yes. It was Trisha, right? It was Trisha. We were standing around talking shit.

It was like three in the morning. We were fucking each 40 Keystone Lights deep. And we were talking about how we had to get up and go to this... And it was real early in everybody's comedy career we were just hitting the road having a ton of fun and we were like we're doing a morning show tomorrow to promote our shows

to promote the shows and we were like and you were like what should I say what can I say to her and we were like ask her if she's seen a dead body and we laughed and we laughed and then we forgot about it and he did it he did it. He did it. It ruled.

It was really good. Because in her talking notes, it's me, you, Brett Hiker, and Nate Balding. And Nate Balding was dressed insanely, if I remember. Yeah. Leather jacket. Yeah, leather jacket. And it's like 6.30 a.m. Hiker had been drinking on the drive.

Yeah. Road soda. On those runs, I would wake up to him sitting on the edge of the bed drinking a beer with his shirt off and he'd be like you ready to go he's like what so we get to the studio and i'm working on the anna nicole tulpa yeah we're working in shifts in the basement my dad made a pot of coffee get in the tulpa seat yeah and then we got there and she's like so sam you host the squire lounge i heard that's pretty rough we got there, and she's like, so Sam, you host the Squire Lounge. I heard that's pretty rough.

What's it like? And I was like, well, you ever seen a dead body, Trisha? We had the video for a while. You can see me physically pinch my face to stop from fucking scream laughing. Nate Balding has that thing where his chest implodes. We couldn't believe it. You guys all, I think, got to shine a little bit in that segment.

She loved it. She also just plowed through. I don't think she clocked it. It didn't register. I think she was just like, he said a thing in a funny way, and it's going on TV, and it did. It went on the morning show in Vail. So people, millionaires getting up ready to hit the slopes. Yeah, they get to see me. Oh, what's Trish up to? What's Trish on the morning show in Vail. So people, millionaires, getting up ready to hit the slopes.

Yeah, they get to see me. Oh, what's Trisha up to? What's Trisha in the morning talking about? Oh, they ever figure out those moose tracks out by Avon Vale? No, it's just four wads hung over in bleary eyes. You ever seen Dead Body, Trisha? Nate Balding. Dude, you know who we should speak into existence is that AccuWeather woman.

Oh, my God. Who's that? Last night, we walked back into the hotel lobby. We're waiting for the elevator. The TV's on AccuWeather channel. Okay. And there was a meteorologist who ruled. Yeah.

Yeah. We went up to the room. Two big fronts approaching. Sure. I'd like to meteorologist. Yeah. And also, her being a meteorologist turned me on more because she's smart. Yeah. Yeah. We went up to the room. Two big fronts approaching. Sure. I'd like to meteorologist. Yeah. And also, her being a meteorologist turned me on more because she's smart. She's smart.

She knows the patterns. And she was wearing a white dress, kind of like the one in Clueless, like that sweater-type dress, you know? Oh. Big sweater dress. Yeah. Oh, my. And you kind of had, you really need, this was a veteran's eye. You had to have a trained eye to spot that she had them due to the cut of the dress.

But I did, and then one was like, what? Yeah, you're such a genius. Oh, man. Just saying. It was super obvious that she had them. It was not hard to tell. Don't hide your light in a bushel. This is like you guys are talking about seeing Bigfoot

and nobody's story quite lines up. It's Carl Budding. Back in action. I'd like the Zimmerman film on her. You know what I'm saying? I'd like to slow that down. Zimmerman. Frame 43. Zapruder?

What's Zimmerman? The Kennedy assassination. What are you talking about? That's the classic Bigfoot in the woods. It's not Zimmerman, but I knew what you meant. Zimmerman's footage. It's great deli in Ann Arbor. I can't remember.

Zucker? I can't remember. Zuckerberg footage? Was it Airplane? I can't remember. It was Kentucky Fried Movie. I asked Becker if we have an Ed Reed, and he has not even seen the message, which means he's gone.

He is dead. The Patterson-G gimlin film oh yes yeah that's patty they called her and you know what something patty had him oh yeah there's film that's how she that's how they knew it was a she she turns around and she's like Let's go, girls. We had... Sam and I agreed last night watching The Iron Claw. I haven't seen it. Well, early on, Don't Fear the Reaper plays.

It was the perfect song for this fucking scene. It's a great song. Yeah, we both agree. This was opposite of a buttock situation where we both said, yeah, this fucking rocks. Blue Oyster Cult, right? Blue Oyster Cult. And I don't know if you had the same thing as me, but probably a dozen times, more than a dozen times, I would be listening to the radio and would catch the weird little breakdown in the middle.

That bow. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. And every time, so many fucking times, I would be like, oh, yeah, this song. What is this song? This song rules. I don't hear it. And then it goes back into the most of the song. And every time, I'm like, you dumb fuck. You always think that's some the song. And every time I'm like,

you dumb fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You always think that's some other song. Well, it's like when Radar Love, they play the non-radio edit and it has the middle

of the and you forget and you're like, oh, this is Radar Love? I forgot it was nine minutes long. Two songs in one. What was Blue Oyster Cult's other one?

Godzilla. Yeah. Godzilla. That's a great fucking Blue Oyster Cult's other one? Godzilla. Godzilla. That's a great fucking song. They're all bangers, dude. Do you remember the movie Stoned Age? Yes. Okay, quick question. Dazed and Confused or Stoned Age? Stoned Age. 100%.

Remember Tack from Stoned Age? Yes, dude. He hit me up. He follows me. I saw that Clifton What's his name junior and i like clicked on because he had the blue check mark and i was like yeah oh my god it's tack from stone he's like a hell of an actor he's in some other shit he's really good i hit him up and i was like hey man saw that you followed me wanted to let you know i've seen stone age like a hundred times tack rules ox 45 forever and he responded with some wild shit, man.

I wish I had my phone. Yeah, because he hit me up and he just started going off. He's like, I watched your set, man. I love a dirty joke. I was with this chick for a while. She would bleed every time I fucked her. Good lord. Like right away.

He went full tack. I'll show you. I'll show you. If we weren't filming on my phone, I could reveal what Clifton Gonzalez Jr. or whatever has to say. He's the man i hit up bonzo it was like i told bonzo sean kemp was coming to my wedding he was like no wow yeah remember sean kemp of course you don't no i know he played basketball you don't know

anything about him i knew the name he had like 40 kids out of wedlock no you don't sure he's in the patterson gimlin footage he's the guy easy the back. Easy. He played in Seattle. Oh, okay. I should make that joke about a black man. He was part of the team in the back. He was on the wires making the puppet walk. What time are we at?

A guy claimed it. A guy was like, it was me. We got about eight, nine more minutes. Yeah, we got to do that ad read at some becker is currently you know about becker getting the plug pulled uh he hasn't seen this message he's jughead i wish he was jughead oh no what happened now he's just he's barely head at this point oh no he swallowed a jug yeah so it's not in his head it's in his belly oh no and they can't get it out it's like a light bulb situation it went in his belly and they can't get it out it's like a light bulb situation

it went in just fine but they can't get it out without doing some damage whenever he breathes you hear real Looney Tunes scenario yeah remember Chuglin with the Chug? sure, that was another morning show we did we did so many great media

Chuglin with the A-Train a-train his name was like aaron or something he was like i'm the a-train and he had a whole like little he had a whole little world set up in there and we came in and we were like fuck the a-train i did i did first time comedian jeff strickler oh my god you did dude becker uh hiker has that footage. Good lord. He has it on like his. Heady days. Yeah, those were the days, man. I was going to say earlier that me and you and Hiker did a show in, I think, Eagle Vale.

Maybe Bobby was there. Yes. And it was one of the worst shows I've ever done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like an Irish bar. It was a bar. There were like 12 people there. and everybody was mean and heckled. They hated it.

We were all very alternative comics. We weren't edgy. We were alternative. We were dark. Jordan Dahl, alternative? Well, dark, silly, talking about very random things, and they didn't like any of us. And it was very frustrating because we were all doing well in Denver. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kind of impressing, competing with each other to write. And it was also like, it was a fucking, it was like a shit show. It was one of those like, it was a bar. We were standing on the same level as everybody in the audience. There was no stage, there was no lights, there was TVs on.

And they were just kind of annoyed that we were there it was like all right now here's some guy they're gonna do a show for you guys bring all the parents in the kids are gonna do a show yeah it was rough it sucked it sucked shit but we had a lot of fun i think that's where you did the devon 89 thing devon 89 you're like why were six hamburgers afraid of of devon because devon 89 that's where you did the Devin 8-9 thing. Devin 8-9. You're like, why were six hamburgers afraid of Devin? Because Devin 8-9. That's not me.

That was you, dude. I wish it was. That was you, dude. Whoa. Absolutely. I was blackout crushing. It's like 11 in the morning, so yeah. Poor Devin Davis. Devin put me on his shoulders once when we were playing flag football.

He's a little meat stump. The dude is powerful. I was like, there's no way. And he was like, I'm positive I can lift you like that, no problem. And he could. Devin. He's nuts. I still talk to him.

I still play video games with that guy. Oh, good. A raccoon got into his house. And he grabbed it and put his hand in its mouth like you do with a dog when it's biting. And he had to get like seven rabies shots in his stomach. It was a real dumb thing to do. And then he like

he's one of these dudes that like is on a mental health journey. And so when I talk to him about that shit, he'll be like you need to do this and you need to do that and I think you might have Steve. When I talk to him about that shit, he'll be like, you need to do this, and you need to do that, and I think you might have ADHD, and I'll be like, dude, I saw you fist fight a raccoon.

Yeah. Doctor. You beat up your own dad. There was a while where Devin- That was Kyle Buffkin. That was Buffkin. Yeah, Buffkin, me, Roger, Kevin, Kevin Schultz. Kevin A. Fox, sorry.

Kevin A. Fox. One time at the Squire, Devin was feeling himself, and he was like, yeah, all these girls are into me. And he was talking to three different girls, and then I kissed all three of those girls that night just to be a dickhead to Devin. Yeah, it was so shitty. And then we stole his fucking Xbox. Oh, man.

Remember? He loaned us his Xbox, and we never gave it back. He didn't want it back. He wanted it back. That was part of the stipulation. He had another one, or he had moved in with a woman, and she had one, so it was fine, I think. Maybe they broke up, and then he wanted it back,

and we said no. We definitely didn't return the Xbox. We're keeping it, and we're keeping your girlfriend. You're reminding me that he wanted in with an old uh flame of mine who chela oh the big c he was interested and i was like i don't think she would go out with you yeah i don't i don't think that's a good one of the hottest babes ever yeah you got a shot sure meatball man Hey falafel guy Maybe a few 5'10 Great guy That's his problem

Sir Mix-a-lon Only a few 5'3 He was 5'3 Remember him and Wardell ran the rover And it was guy with the biggest ass And then a man who was shaped like an ottoman upright And they hosted that mic Jason Wardell told a joke that I thought about recently.

Take it. Which was... It's yours. He was in a terrible relationship with this woman who was just... How bad was it? How bad was it? She was cheating on him and jerking him around and just a bad time.

And he was at Comedy Works, and he was a wreck. He was like it was like dark side fucking jason it was great oh no and he got up and he was like he was dressed like balder he was like how don't go to school tomorrow yeah how soon is too soon to tell jokes about breaking up turns out two weeks before that's the answer to it oh god bless and then she dumped him he's married happily now he's married happily with a kid yeah yeah no no what's her name juicy jen uh i don't know i don't remember um but he's got a kid he does he plays live music for our for our dnd stream oh sick it rules he's great he's like jason on the ones and twos and

the synth jason war turtle i'll tell you this we did one of those mountain shows one time and we would like rotate the headliner and man two one of the hardest follows i ever had was you in what was your hometown oh eagle eagle that bar yeah you went up before me and just did all this shit about local stuff. What do you guys think about no-nos? Yeah, exactly. Has Ted closed his garage yet? Pulling their fucking eyelids off. God, my clothes are dirty.

I had to take them up to the washboards on Road 158. And they were like, yes! And I went up there and I was like, I was in an ad for rape whistles? Boo! Boo! Fuck you. It makes sense because you rape.

Let me finish the joke. Yeah. We have no ad read, but I do want to shout out Mondo, which we saw a commercial for a few times. There's a woman made a body deodorant called Mondo. Sweet, for every crevice. Immediately, I was like, all hail Mondo. She spoke a god named Mondo into existence.

Yeah, that was her tulpa. His lotion takes your body odor, but then it's absorbed into him. It replaces it with Mondo mondo's it makes him stronger oh okay yeah you smell like mondo mondo is the stink mondo is the future stink the future it was getting me man mondo she just said it funny that feels like some fucking like some like fucking i am become death. Destroyer of worlds. Who's the guy who wrote Total Recall? Philip K. Dick. It feels like some

Philip K. Dick. Like they were all wearing Mondo deodorant. You could smell it through the vents. It was the company town. The compliance nanites had made them do it. Splinter's like, you must have fight a Mondo. Shredder

poured some ooze on top of what? An armadillo. And then Mondo was born. Mondo the stink lord. The stench tulpa. Tulpa, yeah. Mia tulpa. Mondo.

Oh, before we go, one of my favorite gags ever was that New Year's Eve party where we kept counting down randomly and singing the beginning of Odd Lane Sign throughout the entire night. Someone would walk in. I don't know if it was you or Hiker, but someone would walk in and we'd be like, 10. It was like 9.30. We did it at 2 a.m. Yeah, we did it at midnight. And it had lost its sting.

And then it kept coming back. Right. Because we were up until like 4 o'clock and we just kept doing it. Why do it once? It's the best part of the night, so do it a bunch of times. Also, we didn't know all the words.

You sing the first two lines and that's it. I like to count it down and then back it up. 10, 9, 8, 9, 10, 9, 8, 7, 8. A lot of people hated it. I remember that. It was not universally loved.

It wasn't acclaimed. Oh, yeah. We enjoyed the hell out of that. Where were we? A house party? Yeah. I know whose house we were at. I do, too.

Yeah. All right. Yeah. Second best on the Jordan Doll Top 100. I still don't know who M.Y. is. You're an idiot. Man, he yucks. Nah.

That's who you... You said it to me, too. Not me. Yeah, you did. Not me. It was you. Not me. You're nuts.

I remember... Gentlemen, I remember every lip. Every smooch. Every Mondo creased crevice. Slick with Mondo. Jordan, tell them where to find you. Oh, shit. I do Werewolf Radar with some of the boys who were on those. Don't put Werewolf Radar. We love werewolves. We love Werewolf Radar with some of the boys who were on those. Don't put Werewolf Radar.

We love werewolves. We love Werewolf Radar. Yeah, it's where they talk about werewolves who also have developmental disabilities. Yeah, sure. Yeah, exactly. Oh, that was radio. It's a podcast. You can listen to that.

It's a paranormal preparedness podcast. I'm Razor Lou all over the internet. I'm on uh instagram and uh and twitch and if you can can i shout out talk would you accept graphic design work from anybody yeah he jordan made uh soups on oh yeah cover art i sent him people have seen it shut up i sent him i sent him i sent him like two messages and he sent me something that was almost exactly what i wanted i asked him to tweak two things and then boom uh because you sent me the uh you were like it's a thought out thing it's that you sent me exactly what you wanted

but you also sent me a reference of an album cover you were like kind of like this mountains album cover the the font of the last waltz. Yes. And then, yeah. Which is all the questions, man. A crow and an axe and a big truck. It's all the questions. Yeah. Yeah. It's all you need.

So yeah, hire Jordan. Yeah, hit me up. Affordable, quick turnaround. I'll draw you something. So talented. I'll draw you a furry. I don't care. Hit him up.

What were we saying? What if you, could you draw us Anna Nicole Smith with three yeah it'd take a while I'd have to take a lot of breaks you know what I mean my both wrists are gonna hurt what about Better Than Heroes oh yeah yeah on Mondays on twitch.tv

forward slash Better Than Heroes we play Dungeons and Dragons with some of the funniest people that I know and you can come check us out and watch Aaron Urist TV forward slash better than heroes. We play Dungeons and Dragons with some of the funniest people that I know. And you can come check us out and watch Aaron Urest make us all laugh until we pee. Funny thing of Urest. This is Colonel Kurtz. Like no one's seen him in a long time.

He's just in a dark room. The warrior poet. Yeah. Just sitting cross-legged all the time. Completely nude. Hey hey come see us at magubi's next week in baltimore and then go see us in phoenix and then see us at governors in long island and then traverse city uh dallas fort worth hyenas in fort worth hyenas i'm forgetting one uh i got it okay and also hey go to that patreon

patreon.com slash show behemoth we need four more subscribers and we will hit our goal and we will tell you what the new goal is i'm gonna shoot up the mall we only need three more people and i'm gonna shoot up this mall traverse city march 22nd 23rd Fort Worth March 29th 30th Vancouver No Arcata No

That one just says The Dunk Tank Yeah You guys are gonna be In a dunk tank At an Elitch's God I wish You know I'm used to

Referee little people Wrestling at Elitch's I did What the fuck I did That's incredible Oh when you were The Babadook

That Halloween House party When they played Their first show Big City Drugs I came directly From Elitch's I was half zombie Half You were the Babadook that Halloween house party when they played their first show, Big City Drugs. I came directly from Elitch's. I was half zombie, half clown. I remember that, yeah.

I was ring announcer, referee, MC for two little guys beating the hell out of each other three times a night for all of October. Who won? Everybody. They switched it off. It depended on which one. Hey, protect the business, brother. Well, they switched off because they were evenly matched. There was a size advantage for one guy, a speed advantage for the other.

Back and forth. You didn't know who was going to win each night. They put it all on the line. Deadly game of cat's eyes. And then they talked about potentially taking me with them. On the road. He came back and he was like, hey, I think I got a new opportunity. I'm going to hit the road with these little fellas.

I thought about it. I was like, dude, you're married. I wasn't married yet. Yeah, but I'm married to the game. I could have picked these little guys over my now wife. Back then she was just some slam piece. She was just two to three tits. I don't know.

It's dark in there well your wife famously is two little people in a dress dressed up speaking of my wife if you want some coffee email thanks for listening she can she can send you uh some coffee they have a few options available the email address is mutiny on main street at gmail uh hit up megan uh don't call her creech it's megan with an h and uh don't ask her if she's got them don't ask her to dump them out just uh get her spiel about coffee coffee and then order some beans do us a quick favor go to the youtube page and subscribe for Chubby Behemoth. And while you're there, subscribe to my YouTube

because I think I'm launching something pretty exciting over there. Thank you for listening. The Slime Lord's Gambit. Thanks, Jordan.