Chubby Behemoth - Raichu Was Underrated

Episode Date: February 25, 2024

SPONSOR: Support the show & get 20% off your 1st Sheath order at https://www.sheathunderwear.com with promo code CHUBBY BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week Pat joins the boys. Sam tells the boys about old time mushroom vendors, his idea for a destination show, and is dying and didn’t finish Ozark. Nathan tenders a guess, only does two things right handed, and found out Palermo is in Sicily. Knee to knee violence. Sam might get into rock gardening. Patrick gets carry on advice from Sam.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

What? What, Pat? You're barely in it. People like that. I'm really sick. What do you have? Oh, shit. Okay. Are we recording? He has AIDS. Adult Intelligence Deficient Syndrome.

We're going. Is the audio recording? Yes. Speak louder. I can't hear you. I'm so sick. I have feline leukemia. We're in a hospital room. It looks like a hotel room because it's a nice hospital.

Hospice. Well, that's what the doctor says is the next step is hospice care. Make Sam as comfortable as possible. We're going to read him Hatchet. He's a Paulson head. Dirty work.

Though screenplay, not the book. The library didn't have dirty work on VHS so we had to get the screenplay. Saigon whore bit my nose off! Is that Artie Lang? No, that's Chris Farley. I've never seen so many dead hookers.

Lord knows I have. Yeah, we're just playing Dirty Work nonstop 24-7, because I don't want to die without dirty work on. It makes you feel better. It's palliative care. I've been chewing up mushrooms and baby birding them into his mouth. Well, I'm mama birding them into his baby bird mouth. Yeah, but you just should give me the chewed food.

You don't have to swallow them and then vomit them into my mouth. You are supposed to do that with mushrooms. No, you're not. So not we can each get a little bit of a blast off oh yeah you actually you're like the simpleton that the vikings used do you know about this no they would use amanitas mushrooms which are the ones that look like santa claus like the mario ones yeah the berserker mushrooms and they would have like a uh you know like a real quirky romano type in the village you know a man you guys want some mushy yeah he like lived on a bale of hay and he ate his bed and they would have him eat the mushrooms and then he would piss into their beer and then that would like filter it so that they would not get the truly loco and la cabeza

and then they would just get like the the parts that enhance their senses their sight their sound their hearing and then they would go and like raise and sack a village huge yeah pat you would have been that you would have been that uh piss filtering simpleton That's your role in our operation. That's fine with me. Then I don't have to drink piss. Why are you doing little girl voice? You are making me be on the pod and I have to use this little lav mic. We're making you?

You're getting a huge opportunity. I'm fresh off the Adam Friedland show. I'm sure all these newcomers are going to be really good to you and love the sound of your voice. No, I sound like a little girl. I sound like a little girl. At least you're not dying. Nut up. At least you're not dying.

So far they've amputated what? Arms, legs. Right ear. All the comments are going to say is, wow, i'm glad that sam could sit up for the video it's just his nose in the shot they like when he lays down they want us comfortable also less sam it means more blonde which is what the people really want i fell out of this chair 45 seconds ago yeah and we weren't filming no No. I already forgot about that. That was awesome.

Yeah. That brought me back. I was actually in the River Styx. That gave you a couple more minutes on this plane. I had one coin on my eye. You told, what's his name? Card? Carnophage.

The guy that... Maximum Carnage? Rose the boat. I think Carnage rode the boat. It wasn't Venom, it was Carnage. People the Boat. I think Carnage read The Boat. It wasn't Venom. It was Carnage. People think it was Venom. His name is like Chiron or something.

I think it's Cortichrome. Don't take my Cortichrome. Don't take my Cortichrome away. Isn't it James Wood? Yes, from Falling Down. No, that was Michael Douglas. Anyway, the nurse should be here any second to give you more morphine. I told them to take my penis.

Because I wanted them to dip it in amber and then sew it into my mouth. I wanted them to put my penis dipped in amber in my mouth and sew my lips shut. So that when I got up to heaven I had something to tell God I'll sit up for that my dick's on my tongue hello God you can have your present back

thanks for this gift joke gift a gag gift except nobody could gag on it I've gagged a lot of people that'd be sick because it reeked not because it was shut up i'm dying that's why well there's one time to be nice to me we have to lie to you because you're dying any second can you just tell us when you can see your mom okay when betsy shows up and is like guiding you in like an air traffic controller then uh we know it's time to be nice

my mom has to work on the runway in heaven that sucks she's working her way up yeah she's in uh angel traffic control in that joke i've been doing about abortions i say i you know i don't know what denomination in church it was, but I think they all agree on one thing. No more baby angels. It's not getting a big laugh. Yeah, but hey, if only they knew I was dying, they'd feel pretty bad. They'd feel terrible. The best laughs are sympathy laughs.

Yeah. I should just go up there tonight and be like, look, everyone, I gotta tell you guys. I am really sick. if you wanna juice it tonight that'd be huge let me go out with a bang and hey chicks if you wanna throw your brows on stage please

and we can't get mad cause I'm gone you know I bet I could tell the difference in smells between an areola and a nipple if you could isolate the two and separate them the fuck what the fuck said the girl on the bed they smell like two different you smell two different scents often 100 100 no way yeah that's how good i am i like the idea of you getting yanked up the stairs in a hospital bed like onto the stage it's just completely so awkward and you're violently like getting hit you know hitting each step the orderlies you know all white just

you're just getting rocked yeah i'm full nugget i don't have any arms or legs yeah you bring me up there in a big wicker basket fall off this you know what'd be fun to do would be do a show at the Wisconsin Dells with everyone standing in the middle and then there's a lazy river going around it and then my quadruple amputee body is just put into a basket and I float around doing crowd work.

Now that's a show, dude. That's a destination show. A little baby Moses in the river. It's a destination show. Little baby Moses in the river. That'd be fucking sick. Around the bend over here. What is this?

The uggo corner? I don't have any arms. People are just pushing you away. Yeah. People splash me. Stop splashing. Read the signs. Why did I buy the signs if no one's going to read them?

Don't splash the water. There's one rule. Don't splash the nug. I'm going by the nug. Real nugs know. Waterworld added a nug guy to the Lazy River. The Lazy River was getting a little too lazy to sort of wake everyone up. They got a flotation

of Sam the Human Bowie talent. He's bobbing around the West Bend. Look, I'm a turtle today. You dress up like a turtle. Flip me over. I got snacks in my shell. I would go to that show.

Yeah, you'd be featuring. You'd be the basket. I would be on an inner tube that looked like Homer's donut. No. If it was my, like, I'm dying show, you would be in... Tiny boat sailor outfit. No, that's good, too. But I'm thinking, you know, that, like, surfing wave thing they have set up where you can surf it?

Oh yeah, I'm really bad at it. You'd have to do 25 minutes on the wave. I think they had that at Wet n' Wild in Las Vegas and I was bad at it. Yeah, just you wiping out over and over again. Wipe out. I'm already in heaven. Pissing into my mouth. Pissing into your own mouth.

Yes, Sam's dying, so I agreed to do all his favorite bits. You can piss in my mouth while I'm trying to surf for five bucks. No, you can't fill up a jug and whip it at me. You have to pee from your dick into my face. If you get it in my mouth, you get a prize. Yeah, step right up.

Have you heard about the turd? Everybody knows that the turd is the word. No turds. No. I know he's dying. I said no turds. I mean it. I have to dance every time.

Kill me. I want to join him. There's not room in the basket. This is worse than hell. Pat, what are you doing? You're rummaging around I see. Just looking for my vape. Oh yeah, been there. Just looking for my vape. You know what got me in this position, Pat? Looking for my vape.

Is that why you're dying? He got hit by a bus when he was looking for my vape. Is that why you're dying? He got hit by a bus when he was looking for his vape. I'll miss this, guys. Emmy's flying in. Hopefully she'll make it in time. She had to pick up her boyfriend. She's moved on.

It's alright. It's good. I didn't know it was going to be Paul Dano. The actor? She's dating the actor Paul Dano. Okay, I did see them hanging out once. What? Well, I'm just saying. I had no idea, but I saw them somewhere, Denver, I think, after a bar.

I didn't think it was either of them. I thought it was two people that looked like Emily and Paul Dano. I watched Little Miss Sunshine with Emmy and she was really... She kept pausing it all. And he's like 13. She was like, wow, a guy who doesn't talk. That's the opposite

of what I have. An inanimate object that won't shut up. I've got an even paperweight who won't fucking stop blabbering why are they gonna cut out his tongue when they took his arms and legs pat you're talking really far away from your little nub is that normal it was a different style of mic oh and it's uh when i put it here it's really loud so i should be should i be further from this thing i asked you guys to arrange the mic. No,

because you have a silkworm. Why are you acting like you've never used a mic like that before? I went full cocoon on this thing. You know, it really pissed me off if I died and then I'm like watching Emmy 24 seven from heaven. And she started stating that guy from, I think you should leave who's in the play so i auditioned

for a play and i got the role because that guy looks like pat yeah if she left me for not pat but a guy who looks like pat i'd be like what the fuck i mean what the fuck god put me down there in one of those chinese babies i I went the reincarnation route. And then I would just wait until I was like 15. Then I'd hop a freighter to America and I'd kill them both. That would be cool. Yeah, that'd be great. That's my revenge arc.

I'd watch that. Pat, we told you you had to be on the pod so you could carry the weight. Yeah. Carry my weight. What did you say you were? 354? If I had to be on the pod so you could carry the weight. Yeah. Carry my weight. What do you say you were? 354? If I had to guess. 372. Wide out.

Yeah. Wide out. Wide gout. Wide world is about my feet. I'm going down in weight. You're going up. It's fun. We went and had so much crap yesterday. I couldn't have a little.

I had to lick the fucking paper that was on the table. They were like, don't eat the lungs. Don't eat the intestines. And I was like, what? You look like you're covered in lungs. I already had. I started with the lungs. What about the crispy outer bark?

You mean the shell? What about this salmon skin they have outside of the delicious crab meat? The crab bark's so good. Crab bark. The crab bark. I peeled the bark. The crab bark. Crab bark stuck in my teeth. Let the purines enter your heart.

The uric acid starts to spurt around. It goes down into your toes. It goes bang, bang, bang. Now you can't walk around. You're too fat to be alive. Can't go outside. Crab bark. You're eating the paper on the table

oh yeah I munched the paper like I was Sam in the bathroom shut up I'm dying I'm dying ow ow my nub thank you is it hot or cold it's cold which is worse

that means the fever wasn't able to do anything and now everything's just shutting down. Your brain is turning the lights out in each room. Saying bye to each room. Yeah, the soul is moving out of the house so it's like, alright. Goodbye left arm. We had some good times

when your right arm was sore and you were still horny. Cleaning the baseboards. I actually use my left arm for that. Do youaning the baseboards. I use my left arm for that. Do you? Switch hitter. I jack with my right, and it's one of the only things that I do right-handed. Wipe and jack.

See? We complete each other. I do that, too. I'm right-handed. I jack left. Yeah, but you don't wipe. What is going on? What is going on with that? I don't know.

I don't know. Huh. And then when you go right-handed, it's kind of fun. Because it's like, oh, I'm cheating. Who's this guy? Yeah, what are you doing here? Who's this guy? Who's this guy jacking me off? You must be the new guy.

When I'm jacking off, I just pretend it's a different guy jacking me off. Yeah. Guys, not only am I dying, I'm also exhausted. Because I had a big week in new york doing every podcast ever yeah you did fill them up with uh phil margera uh-huh you did uh r.i.p uncle vito with with ape ape yeah you did a lot of jackass adjacent you You did Brandon DiCamillo. That's what I was going to say next. You're going to drop in. You did Rob himself himself. Yeah, I did.

Rob himself and the boys. Ryan's done. It's an in-memoriam pod. You could hang out with Ryan. Ryan who? In heaven. He's not in heaven. You guys are both going to the same place.

You think so? If you don't think that's heaven. He's in purgatory I'm in purgatory? What is he Homer? I'm in purgatory? Do you want some coffee? Can I have some coffee Marge?

Me too Homer you're dying Oh me Me too No that's for me That's how I got sick. Strah's going to be so wet now. Fucking zins are everywhere.

You just spit them out. And you're sick. Shut up. Shut up, bitch. Don't touch me, bitch. Don't touch me, bitch. You're going to meet that kid. He's probably dead. Yeah, he's dead.

They killed him. They stoned him. He's probably somewhere. They put him in a burlap bag with a bunch of kittens and threw him in the river. Going viral is a carnal sin. Homer. Don't touch me, God. Quit watching the Indian kid.

Don't touch me, God. Don't touch me, bitch. Homer, I'm wet. Homie. Any regrets? Yeah. I didn't finish Ozark. You should be glad.

When did you stop? Because it kind of got worse and worse. How many seasons were there? Four? I stopped after episode two. Season one? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Good call. Oh, really? The first four or five are really good. And then it's just like, they're just treading water like you can't. I feel better then. I didn't beat Guitar Hero. Damn. You never did, like, great on a song?

I never played it. I played Ukulele Hero. That's fun you and daniel ate the sandwich it's just brother is and daniel ate the sandwich so many regrets i've never had pepperoni every time you guys saw me eating a pepperoni slice i never put the pepperoni in my mouth i just ate the cheese not even the dough were you nervous oh yeah super nervous it's just like salted cured meat it's good but it's like crispy yeah does it taste red a little bit a little red yeah a little like blood okay but in a good way like you you don't you don't hate it it's salty it's it's a little spicy, a little red. Pat's probably got one in his beard. Let me see if we...

There's an olive. Banana pepper. I never did a sick switch backside 50-50 on a snowboard. You ride Goofy? I did. You ride Goofy? I ride Goofy, yeah. I did.

It's pretty cool. You know what I'd rather ride? Minnie Mouse. Set up for that one he's the last of his energy to make a joke about fucking mini mouse yeah to ham it up for him you can go to heaven and fuck mini me where's my mom's up there fucking burn that'd be fucked she's just reverse giving birth with burn Troyer

they're trapped in the wheelchair part of heaven together burn Troyer's in my ass burn's going down on her she's blowing Scott Hall yeah yuck I'm too sick for this

that one was like what my mom blowing razor ramon merge sam's mom is blowing razor ramon how long i know how long would in heaven would it take you before you started fucking dudes? Well, it's heaven, right? So day one, no more wearing this mask. Right. You'd get bored. You'd have to start experimenting. There's no...

My heaven, there's no straight or gay. You just do whatever you want. It's all... Yeah, there's no fucking at all. You're just playing Yahtzee watching Ozark. I will say there is a particular episode

towards the end of Ozark that rules. But everything around it kind of is just annoying. I just wanted it to be over. Don't you just... It started so hot. Remember how good it was the first season? The first two episodes? Oh, yeah. Don't you agree? First season hot remember how good it was the first the first season first two episodes oh yeah don't you agree first season rule i mean the credits are fucking awesome it's just like watch rewatch breaking bad though you know just kind of like breaking bad yeah but but people hated skylar kind of unfairly in that i think think people fairly hate Laura Linney's character in Ozark.

She becomes pretty fucking insufferable. And yeah, you just kind of want it to. But there is one episode where, what's her nuts? I don't know. Fuck about shit. What's her name? Rose? Yeah, the one that looks like every girl from Elizabeth, Colorado.

She has a real cool kind of arc. Isn't she like a bad bitch who takes no gruff? Yeah, she gets pissed off and she gets fucking even. She gets mad and gets even. Laura Linney in that show is like, from what I've read online, I read the hot sheets about Ozark. I heard that she's like, it's like Skylar. First of all.

Sorry. Oh, no. What happened? It could have been so much worse. Did you step on his neck? No, it was kneecap. Knee to knee, dude. Knee to knee, but it just kind of.

Knee to knee violence. Yeah, I'm okay. Remember Skylar? And I think Skylar, if I remember correctly she like gets a woman's body on like season 2 she goes from like skinny mean bitch to like full figured I want em anyway and then Prager's

I think she was yeah she's Prago that's what it is that's what she blossomed for me but Skylar's whole thing in that show is like oh my god you're such a jerk you're making all this money and risking it all to save our family cause you're dying and he's like yeah and i think that laura linney is the same way in that other show where she's like oh my god you got us in this pickle and now you're doing anything you can to save us but then such a prick but eventually she could because skylar

even is like if we're still married, I can't. He tries to divorce her, and she's down with it eventually. Skylar is? Yeah. No, I thought that they didn't get divorced because she can't testify. Right. She's in on it, though. She kind of gets in on it. Yeah, because she's embezzling.

She's running the scene on him. It's good to be bad. Yeah. I fucked Ted, et cetera. I fucked Ted. Yeah, it's like she goes and fucks Ted while he's like in bed with the cartel making sure that their crippled son

is okay he mouth fucked Tortuga his head on that I'm dying I think Skyler he mouth fucked Tortuga Skyler was rightfully pissed with Walt

and then Wendy Bird kind of gets into being a bad bitch and it's annoying. So, there. So it's the same show? No, same...

There's some things in common, but you should be watching Treme instead of either of those, which I have not seen, but I've heard it's good. You heard it here first, folks. Treme. 09 to 2011. Not off the press. Oh, no.

Sam. Oh, I just passed out from that boring thing you were saying. Oh, yeah. I should have let you talk about skylar being a piece of shit more oh she sucked um she's one of the most unlikable people in all of television but here's something the reason you brought up treme is because we're in baltimore yes and you've been doing your patent is that in the wire bit up top and you were like nothing's like the wire pat took it from me oh it's too? Shit. No, he already had that joke.

He did it. And so I did not do that. Well, that guy yelled out, Treme. You were like, nothing at all could ever be like The Wire. That's you doing your stage voice. Nothing's like The Wire. I sound like Eugene Merman. The Joker.

Batman. Yeah, and that guy was like, Treme. And you were like, what the? Shut up. Get him out of here. Get his fucking ass out of here. Yeah. Matt said, you're right to an opinion

whether it's right or wrong, sir. He was wearing a full carnival kind of onesie bedazzled skirt with a feather boa. He was dressed like a trickster mage. And he had a bunch of shrimp in his pockets yeah and you're like that's my thing whoa he's he's going as treme for halloween oh god i see you spent all your talent points in trickster

i spent all my talent points in new York last week. I'm done. I'm done creating content for a while, guys. For a while? Yeah. So you have plans to come back from this? Yeah, yeah. Interesting. Yeah, well, this is all... I'm just saying goodbye to my mortal shell.

But my energy will live on because I'm going to take over Pat's body. We're both going to be... You said we could both be in here, right? Well, you're going to take over Pat's body. You said we could both be in here, right? Well, you're going to be renting from me. I'll be the landlord. You can have the butt. You will live in the butt, Pat.

And I'll live in the rest of the body. My consciousness will be in the butt? Your consciousness will be in the butt. So I'll get a talk when you fart? You'll have two thoughts. I need to fart and I farted. So I'm going to talk when you fart. You'll have two thoughts. I need to fart, and I farted. I don't get to handle poop. Poop is intestines and colon.

Right, I push through you. Our dung comes out of your, I guess, mouth in that situation. Can we carry your penis around in like a petrified amber cane? Yeah, you're going to have a necklace like a boy in Old Shreveport courting a gal. You're going to have a raccoon dick necklace. And when you go on dates with your girlfriend who you just told us about, I'm the one

doing the plowing. Unless she eats your ass. That's her giving you a kiss. That's the only time you'll smooch your girlfriend is when she's performing analingus on what she thinks is you but is actually me she will eat my ass because she is 22 years old i hope she has a long tongue i hope she's like a fucking giraffe otherwise she's not getting in there tongue you don't have a deep butt, though, so you're fine. I have a deep button.

I know that you are probably in a lot of pain. It's probably one of the worst feelings ever. But the worst actual feeling ever is sitting down after a long day and having to unstick your dick from your leg and untangle your balls from your boxers. Remember that? You'd probably pay good money to be able to go through that kind of worst feeling because you can't feel anything. My balls are all tangled up in my

boxers right now, but I don't have hands to dig them out. They're just in there. They're just in there forever. I could get them out, I guess, for a price. You could. How much do you want? For a smooch. For a night with Dr. T. My balls are always... Stop asking for a night with uh dr t my balls are always stop asking for a night with my wife you've been doing that ever since i got sick and i can't defend myself

that's why you come lay in this bed well and i'm gonna go fucking full flip-flop body attack listen yeah but yeah just bite the shit out of me god damn damn it. He's everywhere. You go to hit me and I'm like, not fair. Not fair. I'm dying. Teeth or nose. Yeah, I forgot what I was going to say. My guys stay all tangled

up in there. You're tangled. I'll get in there after I read this copy. It's like the Marx Brothers hiding behind a curtain. They're doing physical bits. That's my balls

and my undies. Slipping on a banana peel. Pat, what's up with your balls and your undies uh they're pretty good sometimes they get itchy and i want to go full on on them yeah dude i am wrecking the shit out of my balls dude we'll be over there in bed like the lights are off the tv's off and i just hear and it's not for 30 seconds either it's for a minute just digging around several minutes you were going at your nails in the green room pretty hard last night picking my nails yeah after i got stoned yeah yeah so thank you uh well yeah i used to bite my nails and then when covet hit it was like oh i can't chew my nails or else i'll die so i got that in my head like don't fucking chew your nails anymore and i'm i'm pretty good at it but the the replacement fidgety thing is cleaning them digging under them

i used to bite my nails too when i had arms yeah so that's one good thing wherever your nails are in some medical trash bag. Emmy had to lop a foot off, and I was like, can we get that? Like, I know you take the trash out at the end of the day. Why don't you just fucking wrap that thing up and bring it home, and yet again, encase it in amber. Free foot. Petrify it.

Well, I'll tell you that. I'll tell you this. With sheath, you'll never have that worst feeling ever again there's one pouch for your dick and one for your balls separate but equal things can't possibly get tangled that's the march I want to go on

as the guy who wants to desegregate your undies your dick and balls get them together they weren't supposed to touch that's why we have all the problems we do. But yeah, that way things can't possibly get tangled when everything is in its own pocket. I enjoy sheath underwear. They feel good.

I know you like them. Love them. Or you used to like them. I think the nurse that's been coming in, Rosemary, she noticed that there's a big difference in her day when you're wearing sheath versus when you're not well when i first came in here they had to cut mine off like a burn victim they had to cut my undies off with the big scissors because they were so wet yeah rosemary was like where's rosemary's baby at she's been calling you rosemary's baby yeah and i'm like uh i'm right here I haven't gone anywhere.

I don't have any arms or legs, Rosemary. Oh, sugar. Don't worry. You know what I want to do is, can you guys take me out in my wheelbarrow and put me on the trampoline and just bounce me around? Just put me in the middle. And just bounce me all over.

Double jump me. Yeah, crack the egg. We'll make sure that you don't go flying in the middle. Yeah. And just bounce me all over. Double jump the egg. Double jump me. Yeah, crack the egg. We'll make sure that you don't go flying off the side. Yeah. But yeah, sheath, man. Sheath is great. Hold on. We all love sheath.

No, we're moving on. Bouncing a nugget around on a trip. Best day of their life. The human nugget. That brings me joy. The fabric even wicks sweat away, so you'll be feeling comfortable and dry. Once you give sheath a try, you'll never want to wear anything else. This is that Hutburners company, right?

That's right. Yeah. You're saluting Uncle Sam when you buy a pair of sheath. Go to sheathunderwear.com and use code Chubby to get 20% off your first order. That's right. Listen to us because like him you're just following orders. Plus Sheath Underwear's 100% money back guarantee.

That's sheathunderwear.com. Promo code Chubby. Get Sheath Underwear. Support the show. Support your balls. Support us being global police. Someone's got to do it. Who would you rather have in control, though? I wish we were global firemen. I would like to travel the world putting out wildfires.

Yeah, I'd like to work once a week, maybe, and eat chili all the time. And have a little dog that we're all fucking. How about your friend Alex's... That's why they have the Dalmatian, because they all have sex with that. Your friend Alex's sister, JoJo, correctly pointed out, like a little baby genius, that Chili's was originally known for its chili. The chili restaurant.

Red bean chili. That's the Mandela effect, man. Yeah. That's not what happened, but she was able to find it, and now it's all rewritten, man. She went to liars.com. Yeah, she went to restaurantfactsyoujustmadeup.org. Hey, hey!

Dude, I can't defend myself. Quit drinking my medicine. Can I have some, please? Can you say, can I has cheeseburger? Say that, and then I'll give you a tip. Pat Richardson, Patrick answers the question, can I ask cheeseburger? Very good. Thank you.

That's not what I meant. Hey, the angle's wrong. Hold on. Sam, oftentimes when people are dying, they kind of get like a burst of energy to get the things done. And they kind of have a glow about them right before they pass. Have you had that? No, I have the opposite. I'm ready to go.

He has a glow because I've been microwaving stuff by his head. Well, hey, you almost fit me in there. That was pretty fun. Yeah, we got to get a big air fryer to finish the job on your ass god damn that'd be nice that's like kind of like a sauna but for chicken nuggets it's like a dry sauna you know they sit in there and they get crispy you have to rake them out yeah you do or they get stuck in there you know what i might get into that kind of shit i might get into like rock garden like raking a zen garden every day

god i didn't do enough with my life i love so much on the table i never made a sand mandala yeah i never saw seether live seether yeah dude and the skin is getting thick. My arms and legs are gone. I'm just a head and you are the enemy. Was that Seether? Time is my enemy. Was he in the Spider-Man song with Chad Kroger? No, that was the dude from Saliva. Oh, Saliva.

Someone told me love will save us. Yeah, I can't think of his name. Darby. I'm sorry for the way I am. Never meant to be so cold. Is that Saliva? Who is that? No. That's Cold.

No, Cold didn't do so cold. Is it Shinedown? I think Is it Shinedown? I think so. Shinedown's my go-to make-fun-of-them band. Make-fun-of-me band. Yeah, you mentioned them on stage. Did I tell you what Lunn said after I told him I did the Adam Freeland show?

What? Did you ask him about Chevelle? So Cold was Breaking Benjamin. Oh, yeah. To be so cold. That was so bad. It was Breaking Benjamin. Oh, yeah. That'd be so cold. I saw Breaking Benjamin in Godsmack once at the Budweiser Event Center, and the Godsmack bass player stared at me the whole show. I had the same thing happen to me when I saw X and their guitarist,

Billy Zoom, stared at me the whole show. And then after he came out with a Polaroid camera and took a bunch of pictures of me. How old were you? I was like 22. Why did he do that? It was Rollins Band, the Jerry Only Misfits, and X. Why did he do that?

I don't know, dude. But he was staring at me and I kept nudging Bonzo and Clay and being like, this guy's fucking gunning me. That's exactly what, he kept pointing at me too. But he didn't take pictures afterwards. Yeah, he came out with a Polaroid and took like four photographs from four different angles of the stage. You almost got trafficked.

I don't know what it was, dude. It was very strange. Yeah. What is it about guys who look like us? Were you in the front row? Yeah, it was right up front. Me and Clay loved X so much.

Clay was obsessed with X. Oh, wait, so Crossfade does the song that we were thinking of. What I really meant to say is I'm sorry that I'm gay. I'm Sam. That's right. I was singing

Cigarro last night. That was fun. You singing Cigaro last night That was fun Oh yeah Well you sang Cigaro While we were peeing My cock is much bigger Than yours That's right

And your cock Went right down Through the floor And kissed your ankle You're gonna have to pay For the new tile work Yep So that's on you brother

Sorry Magoobies Joke House You scared a pug With your camera It was like It made me think of a work. Yep. So that's on you brother. Sorry Magoobie's joke house. You scared a pug with your camera. It made me think of an indigenous person who doesn't want their picture taken because it steals their soul. Are you saying that an indigenous or as smart as dogs? I'm saying dogs know something we don't.

Is that what you're saying? No. It's not what I said at all. Suck it. I'm going to have some more coffee. Don't. That's literally my last drop then i'm gonna snap my fingers and tap my feet oh shit jealous yeah oh yeah when we got back last night where's the closest place to get coffee and she was like we have coffee in the lobby and you're like and i love it and i love it that was so perfect. You do, and I love it.

But I'm wondering about just like some other options for our second coffee of the day. Yeah. I talk like a homosexual between the hours of 1 and 2 a.m. Yes, and I love that for you. And I adore it. I love that you can have that coffee, but I need something a little more. Yes. A little bigger and a little blacker if you know what I mean. And I

sweat, so I need it. She didn't know what he meant. She didn't get the joke. I'm spinning. And I love it. Hopefully you guys are all watching Wide World on the YouTube page. Great feedback.

It's a fucking unheralded success. Great feedback so far. People love it. People shouting out the editing work. Yeah. In particular. That's our little secret weapon. Yes.

Man, I'm sick of that video. We were sitting on it for a while. I should have said this on the commentary. It would have been on earlier, but Pat crushed the video because he was sitting on it for a while i should have said this on the comment it would have been out earlier but pat crushed the video because he was sitting on it yeah sitting on it was one of those like orange like robust like hefty duty ones too it was the ones that are supposed to go 4 000 feet underwater yeah they recovered some from the submarine that exploded and they still hey wake me up when they recover a submarine sandwich. You just had a giant one.

I did. It's my last meal. Wegmans. Hey, do me a favor, everyone. Go subscribe to my YouTube because there's more listeners of this podcast than there are people subscribed to my YouTube. Oh, no. Nurse. Rosemary!

Please, doctor! I can't sit up, but I have a bubble right in the middle. He's choking. He's choking on a bubble. He's like a little baby. Come burp Rosemary's baby! Put me over your knee, Rosemary. Yeah, go subscribe to the YouTube. And also, why don't you come and see me in Phoenix

and Long Island and Traverse City, and Dallas-Fort Worth, and Vancouver, and Providence, Rhode Island. We have a lot more time left. I'm just saying, why don't we do plugs now? I don't have much more time left. I know.

This is how committed I am to these fucking people that on my deathbed, I'm still blasting them with a hot one. We're going to have to bring your rotting corpse to the next few dates so that you can honor them look he's here yeah he's dead he's here he'll be on stage i'll be in the sound booth working you know working the room yeah i know his jokes i'm not doing some of them they're a little risque not the closer not the closer what because i say a fun word yeah it's fun are you gonna do andrew dice they i will do your andrew dice they joke because i came up with the funny part no no i came up with the best part you had the the laugh but andrew dice you had the tag and. This pussy ain't gonna suck itself.

Oh! Burning his closer on the pod. My closer. Burning it, you can't say it. We heard it on episode 613. Chubby B, we want boys. Boys, more boys. Shout out to Sound Guy Julian.

Yeah. Maybe he'll figure out how to say behemoth by the Late Show tonight. And also not to play the intro music at 100,000 decibels. Yeah, they're going to have to buy new speakers. It's ear shattering, dude. He's blowing out the speakers. Yeah, he was doing the announcements at the beginning, Ear shattering, dude.

He's blowing out the speakers. Yeah, he was doing the announcements at the beginning, and he's like, Nathan Laund from Chubby Behemoth. And the multiple people in the crowd laughed really loud. Chubby Behemoth. And then he had to say it again. Chubby Bohoho. Bohemo.

Yeah, Julian's beautiful. Chubby Kokomo. He's beautiful. Not many wrinkles on that brain. He's a little star child. They're beautiful. The beautiful. I brought one pair of pants, and it's the plastic denim. Look at those.

They're made out of old trash bags. Ding, ding, ding. They're hard. Ding, ding. You know what's funny this weekend is me realizing what uh how difficult it must be to be patrick as an employee of mine because i have no empathy for his travel plight or any of the hardships he thinks he's he's perceived that he's suffering out there yeah i used to hop on the back of a train that was going 80 miles an hour yeah i would just take a jump into a freighter take

rocks to the face yeah i'm no longer a spry young man. Yeah, they would round up stray dogs when I'd come to town, and then they would stake them, and then I would fight them. And the winner got a headline. You were like Grizzly Smith. You'd stand outside of a factory. I wasn't exactly like him, though. No, you have a lot in common with Grizzly Smith.

You liked him a little younger than him, but... God damn! But you used to hang out outside of factories, and when the guys would get off of work, you would say for a nickel, they could punch you in the stomach. And if you reacted at all or doubled over, then they won their money back.

Yeah, I lost a lot of money on that one. Yeah, you were always fucking going to your knees and crying about it. I would just be weeping and throwing up bile. Just take it. Just take all of it. Just don't punch me. Don't hit me anymore. You won't be hurting us anymore.

Corey Helium. That's what that sounded like. Did you know that story, Pat? No. Oh my god. Kevin O'Brien was doing his act at his open mic at what's the name of that place, Len?

Matchbox. Matchbox there on Denver Street. Larimer. In Colorado Ave. I'm dying. Close enough. Take me to a different hospital. Denver Street. This one stinks. Take me to a different hospital. Denver Street. This one stinks. Take me to church.

This is a black hospital. You don't like the black hospital? What? It's a black hospital. Save it for your podcast. Unlistenable with Kobos. People love us. Giggles in the chode.

Yeah. Earthworm Jim. I've been calling people in the chode yeah earthworm Jim I've been calling people in the crowd earthworm Jim this weekend that's been fun oh yeah

a guy came up to me after the show last night he was like hey what's up man that was great I love the pod I love you guys

I was the one he was calling earthworm Jim and I was like very good I was not listening but that's fine. That goes in his bio on his LinkedIn.

Sam called me. Yeah, I'm the one known as Earthworm Jim. Data analysis, website building, Earthworm Jim. There's two guys that look like Banjo-Kazooie behind him. Yeah. Sitting on his shoulders. Kevin did crowd work with Reed Wolf wolves from speed wolf the thrash band reed wolf from speed wolf yeah denver band you're dying so you're kind of reed wolf from speed wolf

that's how i say it you always say wolf as wolf yeah like a doggy they're gonna they're gonna jump down your throat hey there's plenty of room no you, you're intubated. What's on the Rorsak? What's on the Rorsak? It's a wolf. Oh, yeah. We should have known earlier. We could have gotten you some help before they had to amputate everything. Yeah.

Including your little grundus. Because I didn't say a word right. Well, as a benzodiazepine addict. Yeah, you can say benzodiazepine right every time. Oh, yeah, because I got to call in the refill every two weeks. They keep giving me 90. Hey, everyone, it's me, Benzo Addict Sam Talent, everybody. I'm in my deathbed.

No, but Speed Wolf, Speed Wolf. At Matchbox. Kevin was like, and what's your deal? What are you, you suck or something? It's Kevin, you know. What's your deal, stupid? He's wearing a dashiki. Yeah, but Reed Wolf was going to jail the next day for like three weeks.

So he had nothing to lose. He had nothing to lose. He was just tying it on tight before he went away to the big house. So Reed like got up and like hit Kevin in the head. He had nothing to lose. He had nothing to lose. He was just tying it on tight before he went away to the big house. So Reed got up and hit Kevin in the head. I think he took a big swing. Right, but Kevin used to... And Kevin was able to duck. Yeah.

Kevin did that thing. I wish I could show you. Do you guys remember that device that you would compress the base of it and the doll would collapse? Yeah, that toy. He has like a horse. Yeah, that was like Kevin's superpower. Or a giraffe. I'm so spineless I can't get punched.

So Kevin ducks and jives and shucks and thrives. Reed hit the ground and like four comics jumped on him. I think John Papunayu. Vanderplug was there. Oh, Hiker. Hiker took his belt off. The guy's belt? No, Hiker took his own belt off and like made a lasso and handcuffed reed

wolf hiker tied himself off yeah and did a little horse yeah he felt like the horse falls it's a giraffe but uh oh yeah so then as they're as as three men are dragging reed out the door and he's like you know foaming at the mouth you know that's why he couldn't be outside because the moon was full uh cory healy who i don't think was actively engaged in the violence said you won't be hurting us anymore exactly like that too he was all fired up yeah but i mean dude what he went just full it's not ralph wiggum who's the little smart uh kid in this imprint he went martin prince on that is like a martin you won't be hurting us anymore it's like he wasn't hurting us he kind of hit kevin that makes it sound like you had a history with him yeah he'd been bullying you guys at the mic

every week. He just showed up and made everyone flinch for a while. Maybe he was well, it's funny if that was in response to Reed kind of heckling a couple people. Stop hurting us. He just wasn't laughing. He wasn't laughing because he was thinking

about being incarcerated and getting tanked. I think it was more than three weeks. I think he had to do a weeks. I don't know. I think he had to do a stretch. I don't know, but Kevin was like, Whoa, how are you not moved by my jokes about school bus drivers? And Reed was like, Hey, man, I love art, and I think you guys are great.

I'm just not in the mood to laugh. I'm sure he wasn't that pleasant. And Kevin was like, How about you suck my kiss? You won't be hurting us anymore. Shout out to Corey Healy. Come to Ratio Comedy every Wednesday at 8 p.m. Free show.

You get what you pay for. Their show gets ratioed. In the comments. Yeah. The comment that says, y'all suck. No, it's a good show. Sincerely. It is.

Y'all suck. No, it's a good show. Sincerely. It is. I have said it mockingly, but I mean it sincerely that it's in the same vein as too much fun. Weekly, free show, punk rock kind of comedy. Most of the guys are funny. Two of the three guys? Yeah.

66% are funny. No, the four of us were the best. You guys are like a wish.com version of the five gents. You guys are Teemu. Yeah. I prefer Timu Solani. And I was fucking forged by the psychic. I'm logged into Sam's YouTube. It's our YouTube now.

Free YouTube. No ads. Premium, yeah. And this video, it's all like wrestling shit in the algorithm. And it was like, I bought $500 worth of wish.com wrestling toys let's see what i got and i watched like all 30 minutes dude me and one watched so much deathmatch wrestling and west niac that yeah my youtube has been nuked it's wrecked this cactus cactus jack was wearing this shirt 95 japan iwa deathmatch tour and then I was wearing it watching him

grosser than he ever was and then you watched you wearing that while wearing it yes did the commentary for Wide World yeah join the Wide World Patreon damn it Sam Talent Wide World on Patreon

go over there all that money goes to Pat and Bonzo I still don't see a dollar from any of my successful endeavors, but as long as I can keep the lights on for the boys, that's what it's all about. As I'm dying. I'm dying. A lot of times the money is Vietnamese currency, so that's not super ideal, but

hey, that's what happens when you're over there for several years after the war was over. He actually tried to pay me in ears. He's trying to pay me in ears. He's trying to finish the job. He's like, I'm not done over here. Join the Patreon so I can get Chick-fil-A at the Miami airport during my nine-hour layover there. Now let's hear about this complaint.

You have the flight from hell. I saw some of the options for coming back. You got one where there's a kick in the nuts each time you get off the plane. And it's not even that much cheaper now because it's Frontier and I had to bring a carry-on. So I still had to pay like $200.

And what did I tell you? First of all, what's worse? A layover in Miami on an airplane and then straight to Denver or taking a Greyhound from Baltimore all the way to Denver? That's no fun. Okay, does that answer the question? Which one's worse?

The Greyhound by far. I took a Greyhound from New York City to Baltimore to Denver. How old were you? I was 22 years young. I'm 10 years older than that. Well, you should have been more successful more early. You've got a sheltered life, so it's like you're 22. Yeah, your life is soft.

You've never tied your own shoes. I did all that stuff. You're like one of those crabs, Patrick, that doesn't have a shell, so it has to crawl inside of a rusty tin can. I'm your rusty tin can. Can it be spotted dick? Yeah, for sure. That's actually what got me.

What's your itinerary? Your flight leaves Baltimore at 9 p.m. I'd have to look it up, but my phone. And okay and pat what are you doing until you go to the airport i'm staying in the hotel room that you extended right so you're not hanging out at the white castle across the street from the indianapolis greyhound station for 22 hours that's not what you're doing everybody that walks by you made you flinch. They punked you out. No one just showed that they had a pistol in their belt a couple times for one of your sliders. You didn't have to do that.

That sounds tough. Yeah, please. I took many a megabus around the Midwest when I lived in Chicago. Right, so you took a megabus from Chicago to Schaumburg once to get some head

and now you want to be in this conversation oh it's pill time oh yeah take one of my well butrin is this fun or no no it's well butrin and also pat i told you this whole carry-on thing that you're bitching about uh you know what you do when you're on spirit or frontier you don't want to pay for the carry-on you put on all of your clothes yeah but i had to bring a laptop and headphones so that's your free carry-on and then you have all your clothes on you just have three t-shirts on you have two sweatshirts on you have two pairs of pants a couple pairs of underwear various shoes it's insane but i did that multiple times when you were. No, this is when I was like 26, dude. When I was flying Spirit.

I used to fly from Oakland to Denver all the time. And I would wear all my clothes. I was sweaty in shorts. It must have been awful, right? Yeah. You couldn't move. It's called earning it. That's the thing about me.

All these stories, you're like, like oh my god i only got a ten dollar voucher and they didn't take it at mcdonald's so i had to get wendy's i'm like i ate a rock i ate a rock because i thought it was a turtle you had pika yeah you ate a lot of weird stuff i had right you what's that it's a pokemon it's Pika's ultimate evolution. I wish I had Pika. Pika's cute. Yeah, it's good. It's easy to monetize. I had Raichu. No one ever evolved their Pokemon into Raichu. Raichu was so

much better. He was ugly, though, compared to Pika. No! I want more time! He was supposed to Venmo me! The last thing he said was Raichu was underrated and he listed all the moves that he can learn but Pikachu can't learn

yeah he had thunder punch yeah it's funny I die and then you guys are just trying to face unlock even though I'm in like rigor mortis yeah we have to Venmo we finish the pod of course then you call emily he passed away something happened we don't know what yeah i think he's still in there hanging on but he's not responsive yeah he venmoed a bunch of people right before he said. What's his Robin Hood login? Did he have any money in his

fan duel? He did like a big bet right before he passed. Speaking of big bets, we haven't talked about it, but we biffed it on the Super Bowl. We were two for two. Last year's bet was Travis Kelsey touchdown

scorer. It hit. This year I say, hey, let's go. Christian McCaffrey and Kelsey anytime touchdown scorer. It hit. This year, I say, hey, let's go Christian McCaffrey and Kelsey anytime touchdown scorer. Of course, Christian found the end zone. He's a hound dog. And then Kelsey just dicked around, caught a few passes for a few yards.

Did not get into the end zone. Because he had that sweet, sweet Taylor Swift poonanny on his mind. He was screaming at Andy Reid, give me the fucking ball! zone. Because he had that sweet, sweet Taylor Swift poonanny on his mind. Screaming at Andy Reid. Give me the fucking ball! Yeah, I want to have sex with that light pole. She's asexual. Yeah, she's a lesbian, dog. Probably.

Follow the money, dog. You don't know that. Also, who cares? What I care about is Kelsey fucking me in the ass. We should have took juice check over.5 reception yards. Should have taken

Usher would have gotten on roller skates. That was minus $8,000. The payout wasn't worth it. These odds seem fucked. Yeah, so we lost. We lost our fucking Super Bowl bet. Becker couldn't get his operation.

I'll be seeing him soon. Yeah, so we lost. We lost our fucking Super Bowl bet. Becker couldn't get his operation. So I'll be seeing him soon. Yeah, it's going to be you're gone. Becker's gone. Let's do this thing. Me, Pat, and Kobos. Kobos Patrick Lund podcast. Let's go. Like and subscribe.

We're young. We're going to talk about how young we are Cobos are like the same age Cobos wishes no Cobos is almost 40. Oh, this is fucking old and gross 39. No, he's not. Yeah, he is No, he's not. He's 30. Yes. He is. Whoa. What the fuck? He's older than Sam Cobos, huh? He's been on the road with Frankie Keel in this. Is that right? Yeah. That's hilarious. Everyone hashtag bring back this fool.

Save this fool. Save this fool. Is the hashtag, I believe. But also, who cares? We're not going to save it. Exactly. People are tweeting that instead of hashtag ceasefire now. So that's not great.

Maybe go with that one. Neither one is going to do anything, though. No. Israel owns FX. So both shows aren't going to be around much longer. I know what that's like. Oh, Sam. I mailed some Palestinian.

Save this fool. Nice. Yeah, hell yeah I mailed some Palestinian kids I have to do Two hours tonight Yeah What do we got? We got a few more minutes

How much longer? Five more minutes We should do plugs again sing another country song lord oh balermo sicily how about that lady god you guys laugh so fucking hard when i'm trying to get off stage it was so distracting yeah you didn't get off off on a very good laugh was that because of their big laugh? Did it? Well, I mean, it was just like a huge fucking... God damn, what the hell was that? This lady came up to me in the merch area.

You had a good set. I just felt like you ended awkwardly. She had a good set. The dying thing. Oh, Grandpa Bob. It didn't get a good laugh. I think there were a lot of older people in the late show. It scared them.

And they were like, oh, God. That's what's around the corner for me. Yeah, what were you laughing at? Oh, this woman came up, this older Guido-esque woman. Guida. Guideta. Guida. And she said, hey, tell your buddy, Palermo's in Sicily.

And me and Umar were like, what? All right. God, it was such a huge reaction. Yeah. Everybody was like, what the fuck? What show are they at? Tell your buddy Palermo's in Sicily. They must be watching Everybody Loves Raymond.

Hey, Wazowski. Yeah, she really got our ass. God damn. Shout out Umar Khan. He's been hosting, doing a good job. Umar? Everyone told me these guys were going to be fucking weird. This Andrew guy who runs Magoobies is weird, but he's been fucking great to us.

Yeah, I like him a lot. He sounds and kind of looks like Phil Palisole, Denver Comedy Godfather. His dog looks like Nora Lynch. Phil P. I wish. He's into dog racism. He likes nothing. Good call. Shut up. Can do. Yeah, no, I've enjoyed my time. Great stuff. Julian's killing it sweet simple Julian

he came up to me and was like you said you wanted Ben Richter as your opening music is that right I was like I didn't say that you said Range Rover by Porches which is like the gayest song of all time which I like coming out to

it was funny that you came out to it it was interesting it was the only song that didn't clip on the speakers song of all time, which I like coming out to. It was funny that you came out to it. It was interesting. It was the only song that didn't clip on the speakers. Oh, you know why I might feel like shit? Besides that I'm dying and my arms and legs have been cut off? I've been drinking like two Pedialytes a day. That's like 220%

of the sodium you need. Oh no, you're clogged. I think I'm sodium poisoned. They add sugar to that. You need one of Pat's hydration pouches. That has more salt in it. I need my salt pellet.

Yeah, I'm like out of it today. I feel terrible. I'm not even high. Maybe I should get high. Okay. We're not allowed to get high until after the second show. Really? No, we can do whatever we want.

We're the kings of hell. I'm going to get drunk tonight. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah, because he gets to sleep in all day tomorrow on his awful travel day. I'm going to be editing episode two. Yeah, you better, soldier boy. My cock is much bigger than yours.

My cock can walk right through the door. Hold on, let's do our secret handshake. Right in the... I know, let's do it. Beep, beep. Oh, fuck. A little earlobe whisper. Thank you so much for listening.

Check out the Patreon. Watch Wide World. Watch Wide World on YouTube. There's a Patreon. Patreon.com slash Sam listening. Check out the Patreon. Watch Wide World. Watch Wide World on YouTube. There's a Patreon. Patreon.com slash SamTalentWideWorld. Yeah, but also, I mean, subscribe to our Patreon, too. It's really good. Patreon.com slash ChubbyBehemoth.

ChubbyBehemoth. SamTalent.com for upcoming road dates. Yeah, we're really stoked on Wide World. We're filming a whole new episode March 10th through the 14th. I'm not going to tell you where. Palermo. Sicily.

No, but we are going over there in August. Doing a week in Rome, baby. Jim Rome's burning. Alright, guys. Like and subscribe. Five-star rating. That'd be cool. Kov's Patrick podcast no edit it out

hey Lund can you grab this pillow real quick this one next to me no just grab the pillow real quick where do you want it I'll just grab it just do me one can you put it right on my face please goodbye face please. Goodbye!