Chubby Behemoth - Schrödinger’s Lund

Episode Date: January 9, 2024

BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week Sam and Nathan debate who is the bigger wad. Sam tells us about moving back to Colorado. Nathan updates the boys on his crazy travel day yesterday. Becker got food poisoning. Sam thinks about giving the people what they want,  does some chicken consumption math, and remembers the smelliest person alive.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth    Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

Hey, everybody. Listen to America's most dangerous podcast, Chubby Behemoth. That's what they call us. Mm-hmm. Yep. We're raising them right. It's because we're the only sane men left in America. Teach them how to use a switchblade. Yeah, exactly. How to build a bomb.

How to tell your teacher to suck it. How to secret a bomb. How to pick your face. Yeah, how to pick. How to build. You just picked. How to secret. You. How to pick your face. Yeah, how to pick, how to build. You just picked. How to secret. You pick too sometimes.

We are joined today by Nathan Lund and Jake Becker, everybody. Becker's back. I picked this way too much. Yeah, you dug a hole in your face in Chicago. It was great. It festered. I meant to open the sets with the... I wish this thing on my face was grosser and bigger looking.

Bigger and grosser looking, but a bunch of people wouldn't have been able to see it. Hopefully the mic kind of covered it for a lot of the folks in the crowd. There's just so much gross shit when you're on stage that that one little thing is not noticeable. Yeah, thanks. Of course. Do 15 push-ups right now uh why i'll bet you can't i bet you can't either i could i'm sure you sure can't no you can't i do i do other stuff you're a wilting little daisy you don't do anything dude it's crazy shit all the time you're an artist i'm a hard working man i'm blue collar no you're a prissy little paint you haven't had a real job in your life and that's true yeah because i've worked so hard to be free from the capitalist system

oh yeah meanwhile you're sucking the dick of anybody who has a couple coins in their pocket so that you can get a taste. Never sucked dick, never sold my body. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. I literally just set the fifth highest score on the Yak Challenge, and you want to accuse me of not being an athlete? Oh, yeah, that took a lot of strength and physical prowess. You don't have any legs sometimes in photos because your gut eats your shins. But you want to say I'm

the one who's out of shape. That's nuts. It's crazy for either of us to point any fingers. Clear your throat. I can't. I'm very sick. It's very dry here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It sounds good. I can't believe you came in here casting aspersions about who of us is more of a wad.

That's insane. No, it's not. You came in swinging, and I gave it back. I didn't come in swinging. I said you looked gross. Yes, you did. I didn't say, wow, I'm sure you can't do anything at all. That's totally fine.

No, it is fine. It's good. Becker, why don't you weigh in? If you had to pick one of us first on a sporting team, who would you pick? On a sporting team. I was very impressed. And also, remember, Becker, the role on the team is not ball.

Because I feel like if you wanted a ball, it would be Lunt. But no, I'm saying competitor on your team. Active participant. Man, after Sam's clip, I think I'd have to go with Sam of course I would have done a good job on that I think I think you would have cracked under the pressure in spaz

for sure if you would have I don't know if I would have done as well you would have been like amazing it was still incredible but you would have been top tier competitor with the three-pointer it took me 12 attempts to make two three-pointers which honestly not bad first time shooting in a couple of minutes i mean because you guys know when i

wake up i hit the court i'm just out there uh from the crack of dawn until about noon when I come inside and throw hay in the barn. That's how I live. I'm a rural warrior. You didn't warm up, right? You didn't take any practice shots of any of that stuff, right? I warmed up by watching a magician say racial slurs. That was my warm up. I didn't know there was another guy. I met the one dude, but then I just watched a video of a different guy who did the... He gave that dude Mitski or Mitzi some markers and a picture of a person and told him to use a marker to color in the left sock,

a marker to color in the right sock. Did you see that? That was a whole other guy. I guess they brought in a few. Yeah, they did. It was Magic Week, so they marker to color in the right sock. Did you see that? That was like a whole other guy. I guess they brought in a few. Yeah, it was Magic Week, so they had a magician in there all day. Yeah. Gotcha.

This was the finale of Magic Week, which was bringing on a man dressed like Larry the Lounge Lizard who made a pretty bold wordplay joke involving the word spade, which, look, I'm not trying to get a comedian canceled but i will cancel every fucking magician there is they're the lowest form they're a bunch of parlor deviants they should just be hanging out in like the lobby of different hotels trying to trick people into giving over their key cards that's their only legitimate use

in real life that marker thing was nuts, though. I don't know how some of that shit gets pulled off. I don't either. It's crazy. He did a trick where everything added up to 79. I do. I love the mysticism. You know that.

As a follower of Shambhala, I pray to Madonna just like every other hardworking man in show business. I like to be mystified. I like the wool to be pulled away and realize it's not wool at all. It's been corduroy the whole time. How's that house? Dude, I don't know. Have you ever had this situation where you land at an airport and then you say,

Hey, by the way, wife, what's our address now for the next six months? And then you put the address in and you drive on a highway you didn't know existed until you were pounding the pavement. And you pull up to a place that is a town that exists, kind of. I've heard the name of this town, Rocky Ford, because that's where the melons come from. But I literally pulled up to a house and was like, oh, I guess I live here for six months. All right. And what's the first thing I did? Get my car stuck in the snow.

That was the very first thing I did. I pulled up. Oh, right in front? Yeah, there's like parking in front of our house because it's like a bunch of row homes so i just pulled in and i was like wow there she is and then i was like oh shit i'm really deep in the snow and then i tried to reverse the car and the first thing that our neighbors saw was me swearing into my steering wheel burning burning rubber. Yeah. And me just with the windows up going. Screaming how stupid I am to myself.

My car's packed with shit too because I only loaded it up. So I look like I'm there to finish some job. I literally, this is the closest I've ever looked to a hitman. I'm just a mysterious stranger who. I literally, this is the closest I've ever looked to a hitman. I'm just a mysterious stranger who rolls up in a jet black Impala and now I'm screaming swears inside the cabin and burning rubber.

It's like I announced myself. It's like, try me! Gerald's in there, you send him out. I don't care. Neither of us own this property. No one owns this land. Intimidating your ex-wife and her new guy. Uh-huh. Oh, well, surely on this property. No one owns this land. Intimidating your ex-wife and her new guy.

Oh, well, surely this isn't the doctor's husband. This isn't over. It's over when I say it's over. We're all over. I gotta tell you my side. You walked in,

you saw what you saw, and you walked out and you didn't let me say a goddamn word. She was helping me tie my shoes. My pants fell down. She was helping me pick them back up. My lower back hurt. I couldn't do it myself. The cum was from earlier. I had previously came before she came in.

And you know that I always come on the dog. That's my thing. Gordy wasn't white originally. So anyway, sorry about the... It's just a really strange feeling to show up somewhere and be like, oh, this is my address for six months.

Is this my beautiful house? Is this my beautiful wife? you touch your face i did is it really you uh-huh she was like sammy and i was like emmy the general lie those letters were a forgery i've been in a pow camp for for a year and a half i would have what's crumbled so hard in a pow camp i would have given up every state secret they would would have been like, all right, if you tell us the truth, you get a Slim Jim. I'd be like, he's the one.

I'd just start pointing fingers, naming names. Give me a marker and a big piece of paper, and I'll do the chart from the top down. I'm going to circle the most important ones, the ones that are the most public. We haven't even begun to torture you yet yeah but i've been standing for like eight minutes what do you want what do you want a man has his limits there's all these chairs in this room why suffer you know even one brutal smack to the face when

i can just get this over with the sooner i tell you what you want to know the sooner i'm home playing spider-man 2 getting stuck in the snow again like i like and what you want to know, the sooner I'm home playing Spider-Man 2, getting stuck in the snow again, like I like. And I do want to tell everyone, I am dedicated to this pod because I am making a huge sacrifice right now. Yeah, we had two very different days yesterday. You got on your quick little flight to the Springs. You had a short drive home. You got stuck in the snow but right outside of

your place and then you go in i got stuck in the snow and then i opened the door and grabbed a playstation 5 out of the back seat and left everything else in the car and emily was at the front door she's like baby i missed you i face shoved her out of the way stiff arm yeah and i went right to the basement and said, men at work, leave me alone. Yeah. Meanwhile, my flight was supposed to leave 45 minutes before yours. I was at the airport for like eight hours. I just sat there.

Luckily, I slept. Thank God for Noah and his Xanax because I spent a lot of the time that I would have been just like punching walls and shoving people that weren't my wife out of my way uh unconscious and it helped obviously but man what a day what a difference a day makes those chill pills go so far well and fucking we every well everybody else i don't count myself because i was unconscious but we were on that plane for like two and a half hours before they made us get off. They were trying to figure out some navigation system that wasn't working. And so, and I took the Xanax when they started boarding. I was a little worried that it was going to hit like when I'm standing in line and I'm just going to like wander off.

But I got into my seat and fell asleep after a few minutes and i woke up and i was like what we're home we did it we're in the yeah we yeah we landed no we haven't even done uh we haven't left the gate and yeah it was so weird and then we had to get off and then i slept in the at the gate you know for another whatever a couple hours on and off and still suck though you know took forever to get home oh yeah i mean i get it man too for me i ate my xanax and then i couldn't even drink the orange juice the flight attendant brought me in first class because i was so sleepy so yeah i mean it was tough all around yeah i mean if you would have bought your flight for this show we've known

about for 11 months a little earlier maybe it wouldn't have been such a big deal you know i think you could yeah no shit yeah definitely bring that up definitely i'm helping you learn i'm not blaming you it's a learning experience yeah well it just as easily could have been you that could have gotten effed in the A. Yeah, it could have been me, but it wasn't because I'm the best. You know, part of your confusion with your home is probably that you didn't know where it was. You thought it was La Junta until three weeks ago. It's a different place.

How far away is it? Also, Emily told me before the pod did not say we lived in Rocky Ford. So I blew it right away. I thought about that, too. me before the pod to not say we lived in Rocky Ford. So I blew it right away. I thought about that, too. Keep up the lie. You live in La Hanta so that they look for you there, those Colombian assassins. Or no, Ecuadorian, I guess. That's where you were causing trouble. Yeah, because of my terrorist suit.

That's where you spilled the beans. Yeah, I did. I spilled some in that toilet, and now the village can't dump inside. I was like, what's the point of me was like put a bunch of wipes in there why would i eat them first oh i could just dump them right in the bowl and i lose weight feel great all right yeah no i live uh it's like i think it's 12 minutes from la junta emmy's over there right now showing her little ass for fucking ducats. She's dancing over there. Igby's gone right. Emmy got a job showing her tits at Chondo's every morning on Mondays. Are there any other weird little picadillos about that place?

Because the funny thing that we found out together was that in the master, because it's an Airbnb most of the time, and like a lot of stupid ass, oh, we can fit 72 people in there. 72 virgins for your Muslim ass. Yeah. There's bunk beds in your master bedroom. But it's weird because there's no Muslims allowed. That's in the Airbnb bylaws. And that's Rocky Forge.

Wow. and that's rocky ford but yeah no there's there's a fucking bunk bed in our room which will be great for when you guys come over and do the pod because then we can all just it's always what i've always wanted i've always wanted my buddies and my wife all in one room yeah yeah that's the dream listening to you fuck yeah you guys one of you has to have your head under the covers and the other one has to wear a blindfold i wouldn't make both of you but you guys are going to be on the top bunk and then the bottom will just be down there pounding and you can stare at the bed and think god that could be us so close and yet so far there's there's so many bedrooms in this house i mean it's really pretty

it's a craftsman style home i'm gonna get a lot of work done in here uh i can't wait i can't wait to just 100 complete on spider-man 2 well so i i got spider-man 2 that came for free with the playstation 5 but then also i had to download gta 5 again i had to get ghost of shishima again i had to get horizon the the horizon the sequel the horizon zero dawn so i just have a lot of work i have to do so this pod moving forward will be 20 minutes long per episode um so yeah you know little micro tastes of our lives will they'll come out bi-weekly, 20 minutes a nap. And then for the Patreon subscribers, you know, we had a good run. We're shutting down the Patreon.

Because I have to figure out if Miles Morales can fly or if it's just a spider webbing. I don't know. Becker? I haven't turned mine on in a month no answer you know his question probably i i never got to that one i'm still playing the miles morales game i lose i don't what about the lore the canon oh the games are totally different canon miles has like electric powers and can disappear yeah and miles and peter

parker have teamed up to be two spider-mans in one city that happens and now it's like now that miles morales is spider-man i understand jay jonah jameson's complaints it's like he is dangerous you know it isn't safe to have him out there. It's funny that they always do that. Well, I guess part of it is that there's bad evil mutants. But it's funny, like, so in New York, when Spider-Man shows up, there aren't other freaks or superheroes you know so when a guy shows up and starts saving people it's crazy to to think that he's a bad guy right like why would you well it's even crazier because there were already even like in any timeline the Fantastic Four already

existed and were public superheroes right okay so people knew what a superhero was and still thought like that's spider-man's the devil jay jonah jameson says so what god does he pray to right yeah what the spider all spider-man does is protect cockfights what the hell he's just he always if he's not frying plantains he's protecting cockfights and racing for pinks. It's like, this guy's the worst. Turn the music down. Spider-Man's reign of terror continues until the city admits that every day is the Puerto Rican Day Parade. So yeah, we're all sacrificing you know lund had a big day yesterday and uh i had to watch football

on the tv until i switched over to watching on my phone so spider-man downloaded finally i mean it was a tough day oh god it was rough uh after a perfect weekend, too. Everything in Chicago, everything about the shows, before, during, after, was wonderful. Great food, great friends. Yep. A little bit of very pretty snow falling for the better part of a couple of days while we were there. Oh, yeah. Long walk in the park. Beautiful.

I found a meatball. I found a meatball by Lake Michigan. Did you eat it? Just kidding. No, I did have a little slap on the wrist, on my toe's wrist, as opposed to, last time was a fucking, it was so bad. It took forever. It sucked.

It went from my big toe to my right ankle. It was just like this whole fucking, so hopefully this is just a little one and I can go back. Because I was pretty good. You and I both were good. We had a big salad. You got at that MFK, that very nice restaurant that the owner told us to come in and he'd take care of us. Yeah, Scotty.

You were curious about a dish that involved pork belly. But you said you mostly wanted to know about the leeks and the beet. I wanted to try the leeks. I love leeks. Puree. And they brought that out, so that was a little bit less meat. I don't know. I only had one Wagyu double cheeseburger instead of several.

You know what it was, though? Didn't you guys have McDonald's after the Thursday show? Yeah, I had fries. I just had fries. Only had fries. Wow. Because you were adorable. The hardest thing I've ever had to do was go into a McDonald's hungry and say,

one large fry, please. I couldn't believe it. I wanted four double cheeseburgers real bad yeah i mean i had two and that was my sacrifice i ate them cold so that was nice of me my sacrifice yeah it was like you were prescient because the mcdonald's was hat was on the across the street essentially and when noah and i left you still had another show to go that roast battle show um and so you asked for two double cheeseburgers and i was like man yeah i mean i'll come back in here and bring them to and you're like no no just uh go back to the hotel i'll eat them when i get there and i was like you would rather us get you two double cheeseburgers and have them sit in the hotel room than go over there yourself.

But you said that there was a lot of police activity there when you walked by, so you might not have been able to get in there. Something told you. Yeah. It's my spider sense. That you needed to have them ordered sooner than later. Yeah. I've been tuning in to Spider-Verse. It's real.

Yeah. I knew. Yeah, it's real. It's real, yeah, I knew. And also, look, the roast battle show was fun, but I did not want to be there. And I was pretty clear about that with everyone who asked me to do it, that I hate roast battles and I hate judging them. So I think an even bigger fuck you to everyone assembled when I was the special guest they advertised to sell tickets was to sit up there and just eat McDonald's. That would have been even worse. That would have been like, oh, look at Sam T.

He's completely clocked out. He does not give a shit. He is on his, oh, third spicy McChicken. Okay, he's setting the record here at Sani's tonight. Yeah, no. But when I left the roast battle battle there was a situation where me and a woman were crossing at a light and you could tell that she was like afraid of me because i had my uh i have a portable hood that my dad got me it's like a balaclava and you know just in

general i give off lady killer vibes and i mean that in the traditional sense i don't mean that in the traditional sense. I don't mean that in the new cool guy sense. I mean a man who hunts women and gets off. Yeah, exactly. Gacy, but for girls. Gacy, not Patrick Dempsey, but for girls, yeah. It's funny that Gacy, there was a hint in his name the whole time. Gacy. Interesting. How deep does this thing go?

I wonder if any of the other true crime podcasts have figured that out yet. Gay C. Wow. Still got it, Sam. What happened with the woman? Oh, so she was scared. So I crossed the street the other way so she could cross at the light. But then I looked down the street, and there were just two street people having a real midnight carnival out there.

Screaming. One guy was slapping his chest, and another guy was head down and laugh giggling. So then I have to recross the street, and now it looks like I'm just an apex predator following the movement. Slow playing it. Now I know. It's like, oh, he knows what he's doing. He's done this before. Throw her off the scent.

You're just a guy. You're going a different direction. And she also sees the street people, but then she sees me, and she looks behind her and she sees me and now i'm walking really slow like i'm walking like michael myers now you know yeah like i look like right yeah game of it there's no way that is yeah that is a tough one do you speed up so that you can walk past them and and end it you know have it be and and have that be very scary until you walk by without grabbing her and saying you're coming with me yeah or do you yeah if you stay back there which is even i think worse because like you said you have to slow down your gait and so now she thinks

that you're like matching her or whatever and slow playing it and it's fucking it's fucked you have to yell out friend friend, I'm married. You're not my type. Yeah, look at you. You don't even have them. My wife's jugged up. Don't worry. I am not semi-hard right now.

Hey, I don't have any board wax so I'm not going surfing, flatty. So keep it moving. Keep moving those cheekless pants. Flatty. So keep it moving. Keep moving those cheekless pants. Flatty. Your pants are cheekless. I don't want any of that.

Look at me. I like to dig deep. I like to barely even... I don't even want to be able to hit the hole through all the cheek meat. I think that would be a tough part of being a buttfuck guy. Like a guy who likes buttfucking. It's how deep. You got to split them.

You don't even get the good. Anyway, this is not good for the YouTube algorithm. But I will say this. I would never do that tool. Say it. I would never do that. What, buttfuck? No, no. Attack a woman on the street oh of course

of course yeah now Becker was telling me a fun story about his last 24 hours Becker let's catch up with you it's been a while I got food poisoning last night from

I believe a breakfast pizza from Walmart. You sure you didn't get dude poisoning? How? Which is the HIV virus. How? It was a frozen pizza with food that's not real. It's in my belly, and it's eggs. Oh, okay.

Okay. Sorry. I was going to blast you. I don't like when people get food poisoning, and it's really just that their stomach is a pussy. Yeah, that's definitely not what's going on yeah it is he gets food poisoning a lot he's uh well fourth kid your dad didn't have any strong semen left that's why your sinuses are small you need glasses yeah things make you sick yeah food makes you sick when it should give you life yeah i do also you got the recessive genes but yeah this was a bad one this was one of those ones where like the math didn't

add up like i had four slices of pizza and then puked for six hours right which doesn't make any sense nothing i hadn't eaten anything all day yeah and then you put a bunch of microwaved poison into your body and you're like why am i ill that's like baked in the oven no it's it's breakfast pizza which is strike one and it's from walmart which is strike two yeah and you ate it at what 1 a.m off the hood of your car so you're out i ate it at like 6 30 p.m and then i had like four slices i didn't even overeat i didn't have any dessert because i was like oh i'm gonna try because you weren't a good boy you didn't i was trying to stay awake till you didn't got back to town and then i sat on the couch and got sleepy anyway and fell asleep on the couch with like

my arms crossed and then when nathan knocked on the door i woke up but i felt pretty fine then i had like kind of a upset stomach but i just thought like oh i was already asleep and my body thinks it's time to shit so i like went to bed because i didn't need to shit yet and then i woke up at three howling vomit and people always ask why don't you guys let becker talk more and this is why because this is this is what he's up to lund has airport antics i'm becoming cuban spider-man becker is scream vomiting in his empty house that he won from a church raffle so yeah dude it's just different we read the room yeah and then i finally fell asleep at like nine or no i fell asleep at like 7 30 and slept till 9 30 so i got three to 7 30 you were awake barfing. I was barfing until probably about 7.

And then I had like 30 minutes of calming down. And got kind of... Yeah, dude. It was bad. So I think those eggs got me. I'm so sorry. It's okay. It sucks because that was like...

One of the things I like to have, you know, once every couple of months is like a treat. Because it's terrible for you. But it was always good. And I don't think i'll ever eat it again it was so fucking gross in most parts of the world a treat is a ripe pear uh but in your twisted manacled brain a treat is half of a breakfast pizza from walmart that's what i'm understanding it's biscuit with country gravy and then scrambled eggs and cheese crust is biscuit yeah it's like a nice biscuit consistency they're not lying that sounds good i I'm going to get one. I'd wait a couple of days. Yeah, the batch is bad right now. Your treat is the contents of a murdered lot lizard stomach.

That's what you think a treat is. When they do the autopsy on a 17-year-old runaway, they find out, find a Rio Rancho. That's what you want as a, oh, I earned it. I've been good. God. Yeah, it's country. It's gravy, but vertical it's great and then you got vertical gravy on top no the biscuits and gravy is just served in a in a vertical stack instead of on a plate damn i like to imagine whoever made

it uh is like their butt itches and they have gloves on and they can't decide if they should take the gloves off or just say fuck it they're like low on gloves man my manager yelled at me because i've been going through a box of gloves every two shifts and a couple pairs of underwear and then four minutes later beggarcker walks up, one breakfast pizza, please. And the guy just sneezes on him. Yucks. It sucks. The guy's bleeding from a wound in his head.

He's like, you want me to put this in a box? And Becker's like, it's not going to make it out of the store. Don't worry. Just put it on a hot cap. Feed him, Seymour. It's a nice thing to have when it's gonna be like a really cold night you don't have anything to do becker was there on the it's a monthly promotion it's the sunday eat it directly out of the hands out of the guy who cooked it promotion what's going bad first what's discounted? Because it's been here a while. Wait, wait.

Don't get out the price gun yet. We've been watching the tape, and it looks like Becker just pulled in. So, if anything, raise the price on it, because he'll pay whatever he needs to. And I also broke down on I-25 on saturday or friday coming crying from pueblo i wasn't crying but it was very cold it was like as the sun went down so it went from like 50 to 30 real quick oh your car broke down i thought you meant you had a complete mental breakdown. I tried to die at 25. Why am I driving back here? I hate it here. Yeah, my car died.

And that was a nightmare getting it towed. And I was like trying to be a good little boy. And I didn't stop at the Italian deli in Pueblo because I was trying to eat better. And I was like, I'll have a salad when I get home from the deli. Because I had a punch on my card. And I was like, I'll have a salad when I get home from the deli because I had a free punch on my card. And I was like, I'll be good. And then broke down and had to get a tow and then had no options other than fast food

by the time I got back to town. And you were like, so it's not all bad. No, I was pretty mad about it because I could have gone to that really nice Italian deli. That Italian deli in Pueblo is like you'll see it's so good

you'll see everyone will see you'll all see you'll all hep see speaking of getting it towed shout out to the legendary Toad's family came out to the shows.

I know. That's okay. Long time listeners. They're listening. They're like, oh, they made such a good time. We should probably listen to them. All the surviving toad mates. All the, you know,

the battle toads, as we call them. All of Noah's family came to the show on Saturday, the middle show. And he was so nervous all weekend, but he did a good job on that one. The other five, it's a toss-up, but he brought it for his family. It's like when you're sick. It's like when you're sick and you get on stage and are able to have the best set of your life. Right, yep. He made himself sick with fear,

and then his body was able to carry him through the set that mattered most. No, yeah, he did well. I went down and lurked, you know, because I was up after him for the last three to five minutes of his set each night and he was, he was doing better and better,

I think. The first set was a little rocky, but after that, uh, first set, heinous bomb, truly terrible.

I don't know if, I don't know if that's true, but it was, um, rocky. It was rocky Ford and then got better and better.

I definitely, I know he did well most of the shows. Yeah, I was happy to see it. He slept on the ground like a dog. I'm thinking for the last half of this podcast, what if we really just gave the fans what they want, which is a half hour of Toad Talk

plus me eating pistachios while gaming. You're gaming? No, I'm just saying I could be gaming right now i'd rather be gaming what if i just ate munch pistachios uh with a controller in my hand while blasting noah's lost cousin that's what the people want and i think we should give it to them they only want a third of that what they only want one third of that yeah they love the pistachios yeah i want to say too that uh uh i jake and or myself probably would have uh driven up to see you today if it weren't

for the storm it's it's not a bunch there it's not a bunch here so yeah uh i want to see your place i we would have fucking recorded yesterday if it weren't for my plane shenanigans. I was going to go from Denver to your place and check it out and do a pod. And I threw it out there that you could give me a haircut. But all of those things did not happen. I was going to watch you play Spider-Man 2. You were going to watch. I wasn't going to ask if I could play. I just going to watch you play Spider-Man 2. You were going to watch. I wasn't going to ask if I could play.

I just wanted to watch. Correct, yes. Like a little brother. An older little brother. That's a funny dynamic when the younger one is the alpha. That's such a funny... I feel bad for the older brother who gets cucked by the superstar. Yeah.

No, I mean... By the chosen one? I know what you mean, yes. I would not have let you play. Name names. Oh, I thought you were thinking of someone. No, I'm glad you know that your role in here is to cheer me on and say, nice swing. Yeah.

that you're rolling here is to cheer me on and say nice swing yeah yeah i i played the i finished the first almost maybe 97 98 i got all the skins all the outfits i played the fuck out of it so uh i know exactly how cool it is but it doesn't mean i would have needed a turn. I would have liked to have seen the graphics on the 5, and yeah, the mechanics. You could have talked me through it. I could have said, look at this. You would have had to go to the bathroom at some point, and then I would have picked up the controller, played for like 45 seconds before you came in.

I would have brought the controller into the bathroom. I know. I know where I'm vulnerable, and I wouldn't want to let you strike or exploit me. Yeah, I really wanted you guys to come over today, but the snow is bad down here. Complete blizzard warning for Huerfano County. And, yeah, it would have been nice to see you guys, but we'll get into the swing of things. This is completely when it thaws. All the fucking trees down here are dead.

They all look like a ganglion brain system. It looks like a cross-section of nerves. I don't know how you guys live with that. They're not all dead down here. We have live trees. It's winter, so I'm guessing... Yeah, you're barren. I'm guessing you mean they're actually dead.

You're saying they're actually dead, or they just don't have leaves? Did you expect them to have leaves? Are you expecting more pine trees? More coniferous? I didn't expect to have a bunch of skeleton fingers growing out of the ground. That's not what I thought. I didn't think it would be bone trees for the

goblin lord. You're scared. I am scared. I have not what I thought. I didn't think it would be bone trees for the goblin lord. You're scared. I am scared. I have not been outside since I got here. We've got to figure out what we're going to do this weekend because we'll be together for Lucha Libre and Laughs. And so maybe I come up to you Friday, we drive up together and then spend the night and then saturday we have our special day at your new home that we should have had sunday i think that would be great i would really like oh and football fucking football dog Playoff football. I know. Get some Walmart breakfast pizza for Jakey.

Make him learn to trust again. It'll be a while. It won't be, though. That's the thing. As you say it right now. It tasted the exact same both ways, dude. It ruined it. It was like a booze puke that ruins the flavor of booze forever i could have

told you it was going to taste like vomit but no one ever calls me no one ever me legendary gourmand one of the world's best eaters no one calls me and says hey is this going to taste like vomit and i could tell you yes or no it's not what he said he said it tasted the same going in which doesn't mean it tasted like vomit going in. If it tasted like the same thing and at one point it was vomit, then it tasted like vomit the first time, too. That's not what that saying means. Literally, that's the logic of that statement. No, it's not.

It was like such a social deal. If A, then B. The flavor's held up. Oh, God. This morning, I was unaware, but Emily had a little toilet problem here on her second night. Yes. You knew about it, Lund, because she called me and she said, hey, there's a gas leak in the house. So the cops are on their way. It was like 1 a.m.

And I was like, oh, no. Well, keep me posted. I have to go back to listening to Lund. It's so funny. She was like, oh, there's a gas leak. The fire department's coming. I'm so afraid. And I was like, okay, okay, cool.

Keep me posted. And then back to playing MTG Arena on my phone as me and Lund watch SportsCenter for the third time. It's like, look, Toots, I loved you the whole time you were alive, and I'll miss you if you're gone. I can't help you now. Yeah, I'm gone. I'm in Chicago. I'm in Chi-town. We gotta figure out

new things to say to Noah. So anyway, the cops come, they test it. She smelled the rotten odor of eggs, which they put in, like monoxide, you know. And they're like, there's no gas in here. So she slept across the street at the owner's house. It says there in Papua New Guinea. So she comes back in in the morning.

Doesn't smell like gas. So she's like, well, I don't know what it is. She keeps hammering that toilet downstairs with her legendary bombs. So this morning, unbeknownst to either of us, allegedly, she didn't tell me this was happening, a plumber came at 8 a.m. So I wake up in a room that I've never slept in before. I wake up immediately pissed that I'm not playing Spider-Man in my sleep. They don't have some device that allows a man to game when he's unconscious.

And I wake up to plumber, plumber. And I'm like, what the fuck's going on? And then this house has an alarm. So the dude tried to open the door and the alarm goes off. So it's just, what? Why would he do that? I don't know. So I come out there just in my undies, shirtless, and open the door on a very handsome 50-year-old man and his three sons, who are all the plumbers.

The plumber brigade is here. And they see me. Yeah. And I don't know how to turn the alarm off either. I haven't had time to put my wig on. So it's just me, just shirtless in my undies, screaming over the alarm. What?

What? I don't know how to turn it off. So they're like, hey, we're here because the owner said the toilet was malfunctioning. And I was like, all right, likely story. That adds up for sure. Okay. You are in the right place. And we think we know what the problem is

put your hands behind your back sir put your hands behind your back the problem's right in front of us we're gonna need a bigger toilet who me couldn't be we're gonna have to do a special order this is not a prefab situation so they go in the basement they put her around down there for an hour and a half We're going to have to do a special order. This is not a prefab situation. So they go in the basement. They put her around down there for an hour and a half. I sit on the couch. I put a shirt on.

I sit on the couch. And I'm like, all right, guys, let's wait this out. I don't know what the fuck's going on. I wake up to one of the teenage sons standing over me going, sir, sir, sir. And I come out. I'm like, oh, am I dead? Like, is there an angel here now to spirit me away? Because I woke up in the living room. I don't know where I am.

There's a boy standing over me calling me sir. And he brings me downstairs and he's like, here's the problem. Like, the groundings are cracked. And I was like, well, what, what could do that? And they're like,

the guy's like, well, usually what happens is this house is empty for a long time. And then someone comes in and uses the toilet three times in the one day. Like they come in and they just are flushing it. He didn't say feeding it, but you know, that's overfeeding the toilet after a long period of fast. So, Emily, we have evidence now that Emmy plus abandoned toilet means four plumbers are necessary and the fire department comes.

So, yeah, that was my morning. Why is everything in the basement you put the tv down there the toilets down there why is everything basement oriented down there well i mean there's an upstairs with the kitchen and this big beautiful dining room in the living room and then our bedroom is up here in another bedroom and there's a toilet upstairs but emmy has put me back into my uh she took me back to my roots I've gone subterranean so my toilet is downstairs and it's in the snooker room where that's where my TV and my gaming station is set up so I've been relegated

and she gets to be upstairs above the dirt she's training me for death, is what she's doing. And guess what? If hell has Spider-Man 2, let's ride. If I can pop Zinn and vape cool weed, I don't need to be alive. Being alive's tough. Oh, man. I'm jealous. I'm jealous of you guys. You guys are over there in Snowtown. I'm sure it's beautiful.

I was just glad to... I was glad I didn't have to drive in any snow. After all that shit, I was... Like I said, I slept a bunch, but I was still... It was still like a long day, whatever. Had to get... Like I said, I slept a bunch, but it was still like a long day, whatever. I blasted two big Red Bulls because I was still feeling kind of tired when I had to start driving south. I'm glad that the roads were fine. It hadn't snowed at all, so I didn't have to worry about that on top of everything else.

Yeah. That would have been rough. I was worried about you. I was scared you weren't going to make it down, but I also couldn't check my phone because, you know, Spider-Man. You just kept saying out loud, make it home safe, please, please. God, the devil, Kabbalah, look over my friend. You were kind of like Schrodinger's Lund. Because if I don't check my phone, you're not alive or dead. But as soon as I check that phone, Lund's dead.

Crap, now I can't play Spider-Man? How long can I leave that message on read before people do the math on it. Creech keeps calling. He's dead. He's dead. I'm like, no, no. You have infinite lives. You just go back to the save spot that you had before.

So I'm good. I don't know the controls yet, so I am dying a little more than I want to. But yeah, no, everything's cool, Creech. Don't worry. trolls yet, so I am dying a little more than I want to. But yeah, no, everything's cool, Creech, don't worry. Yeah.

It's a crazy world out there. But I was... What? I was just going to ask if you've played those other games, or if you were just... If you downloaded them while you played Spider-Man, you know know setting yourself up for future success yeah okay i did download load them as i was playing spider-man and then emily but when she went to bed she said you know video games are

the gayest thing you can do and i said i'm well aware i know i need i need four days i'm just taking four days off emmy and she's like okay i okay, I know. I'm just saying. This is lame. And I'm like, okay. Thank you. Go upstairs, please. Put the bell around your neck so I can hear you coming. That's not fair because there's all kinds of dumb ways you can waste. What kind of stupid games are on her phone that she doesn't think count she does she still plays candy crush 20 years later right because she makes adorable

that's not adorable it's concerning it was adorable she that's the thing is i think that my big gift as an adult man in america is i can see how adorable my friends are i can see the innocence in the ones i love. You know, you this weekend being like, I gotta be careful. I don't want my toesies to hurt. That was adorable. And like, I think you did do a good job. I was very... Not really.

Well, I didn't see how much chicken you ate from Henry. I'm sure that when I was not in that room, I bet you crushed a bunch of that delicious Chinese meal. I would have had... room. I bet you crushed a bunch of that delicious Chinese meal. I would have had... So when I got up there after my set, I ate what was left in there, and it wasn't much. And I can't say that I would have left...

If there was twice as much as what I had, if I would have left... There would have been no survivors, yeah. Probably not. I don't know. I was trying. I was trying to do a good job i could have had half of one of those wagyu burgers instead i had a a whole one well the matthew the host uh offered me his he had taken a bite and was too full and i was like yeah i'll eat that one uh so

i could leave there were two that i don't think had been touched and i was like yeah maybe a couple randos will come up there were some randos that fucking heard the dinner bell oh yeah so yeah i did not have uh as much of the chicken as i as i could have well i'll say what happened to the chicken and i don't feel good about yeah we know why but there was a... You don't have to... Blind item. Blind item. There allegedly was a gigantic tray of chicken thighs that were done in nugget form, but there was probably 15 pounds of available chicken mass in that room. Oh, no. I think...

At least 10. I wouldn't be surprised if it was 15, because Henry knew who he was bringing food to. It was the WOD squad. Yeah. It was a big aluminum tray, a deep aluminum tray of delicious fried chicken bites. Right. It was a lot of it. So anyway, Jason Melton doesn't eat meat.

Alex Luchin. I saw what he had. Luchin is a man that respects the needs of others. But there was one young culprit in there, a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed young thing. Let's just say this. It was Eli and Cooper's brother, okay? And he was a funny guy he was friends with matthew i was like hang out all weekend buddy i like him i like him a lot i'm glad i'm glad he was there i do one of those one of the one of the few people where i met him and wanted more

you know like instead of like all all right, that'll do. I have to like not. His name was Peyton. Yeah, I'm a fan. He's 23. He is cherubic. You know, I don't want to say a big fat guy, but I bet when he hits puberty, he'll skinny out, you know? But a guiguo in training, okay?

And Peyton, I saw him serve himself a plate, and there was a little bit of rice, a little bit of fried rice on the plate, and then a shitload of chicken is the only way I can put it. A little decoy amount of fried rice to be like, oh, maybe it wasn't that insane. There was some rice on there. Maybe it was more than that. Right.

Yeah. Well, now it's not like everyone's going to think, oh, Peyton only ate chicken. No, I have some rice on there. I'm clean. No one can be mad at me. chicken. No, I have some rice on there. I'm clean. No one can be mad at me. So the first helping of chicken that he had

could have served all of Miles Morales' family when they came over on that raft made of a door. I mean, if the guys in the Andes had it, they wouldn't have had to eat each other for an extra week. That's how much chicken was on this first plate and i was like you know what good for you kid this is really good chicken

you don't have a show your face must have gotten hot we both looked at each other when the food first showed up and then the vultures descended we looked at each other because it was like all right are we gonna be pissed are we gonna have to bite our tongues as they bite our chicken? And it could have been worse. But I missed out on this because I went downstairs and then did my set. So I didn't see a lot of this fucking horse shit. I'm just saying it was more than a pound of chicken is what his initial serving was. I thought that maybe he was gonna

go take some downstairs and give it to his friends who were not allowed in the green room that's how much chicken was on his plate initially i was like okay well this is no way he's gonna he how can this could have the balls to dome an eighth of the chicken in our green room that he's a guest in anyway so i go downstairs i watch a little bit of Noah. I ask for some more water. I come back up. Something has happened to the chicken on Peyton's plate. It's gone.

I don't know where it all could have gone. But anyway, okay, well, I'm glad he ate it. Maybe he ate it. I'm glad he got a lot of chicken. I bet it was good. What a treat for him to be in the green room for the Legend Sam talent. So I sit there. Yoni from Kill Tony shows up with some omakase sushi, which is awesome.

I wish we could shout out his lady's restaurant because that burger was incredible. The two pieces of sushi I got were wonderful. Yeah, it was great. Great sushi. Also, he shows up with 15 Wagyu sliders. So I'm like, man, there's a bunch of food here. So many options for everyone. And I sit in my chair and

all my friends are there and all these chefs are there and just all these exciting creative people that are gathered to celebrate my sold-out six shows at Zany's. And then, so I'm floating. I'm just the happiest a man can be. And then I notice a certain person pick up an empty plate and make a move towards the chicken.

empty plate and make a move towards the chicken. And I think, no fucking way, Peyton. Are you fucking kidding me? You're going back for more chicken. And back for more chicken he did. His second plate was half of his first plate. No rice to get in the way. No smoke screen on this one.

He just went full raw dog. The mask is off. Yes. He has tasted blood, and now he will not end until he's eating a beating heart out of the palm of his hand. And he ate a bunch more chicken. The kid must have eaten two and a half pounds of chicken and it wasn't like i did my set came back up he you know he's hungry again oh there's a bunch of chicken left i'll have some more some people came through and had some and this is probably just gonna sit there and get cold the first kill off his fingers and before the body was even cold he was back for more on his next victim i've

never seen anyone eat so much chicken and that wasn't even the most upsetting thing that we experienced this weekend because becker i think i interacted with the smelliest person alive. Oh, shit. Where? There was, they're at Zaney's. And look, I'm not going to make a deal. It wasn't a random sewer person. He didn't come out of a manhole and say, hey, your book kept me warm last winter. Oh, yeah. He's like, oh, me and all my mole friends ate your book and it made us survive.

No. So I'm there sweet guy big fan uh listening right now i don't want to reveal too much about the guy because there was plenty of smelly people there was plenty of smelly people who were there this weekend i was smelly as lun knows i had one pair of underwear and i rocked those until the wheels fell off all right so i was smelly as lun knows i had one pair of underwear and i rocked those until the wheels fell off all right so i was probably guilty of reekability certain certain moments in there but man this guy just had either either somebody shit his pants some i don't want to say who but somebody for sure put a bunch of shit in his pants and And I don't know if it was in the britches or if the pockets were stuffed. But there was human shit somewhere on his person.

And I had to stand there and pose for various pictures. And at the end of it, he was like, can I get a hug? And I was like, this is what you've been training for all those years all those years of living in group homes and eating out of dumpsters and yourself wearing nothing but overalls without any undies no socks in your old secondhand shoes i gave him a big hug and i held him and then i reported reported back to Nathan at the hotel. I hugged a man with shit in his pants. I didn't go down there for the first shows.

First couple shows. And then... Because I thought... I know that it can get chaotic down there when everybody's leaving and the staff are trying to turn the room. You definitely feel in the way. Last year when we were there, Sam had shirts and i helped him sell them and it was hard because there's not a good

there was a good place for us to set up so we're like right by the stage and trying to like you know find people's sizes and they want to you know some people get it and just you know kind of say hi and and do the couple minutes and go. And some people lurk. And you know the staff is not stoked to have to work around all these fucks. Whether they're fast and efficient, hey, thanks for the shirt, I'm out of here. Whether they linger for three minutes and tell me about a show they saw me do in Springfield, I love you, I'm so grateful, sincerely. Of course.

It's just the condition. But if you have shit in your pants. Aren't ideal. maybe move it along because he sat in that room for 90 minutes at this point and it was it was active it wasn't a secret flare-up the volcano had erupted and i didn't know what to do uh but i grinned and I bared it, and now I'm telling the assembled thousands who are here to listen that one of you is guilty of pants shitting, and you know who I'm talking about because you're the one who's guilty, and I have not revealed your true identity. But good God, if you have just a big old dump in your handmade pants, please scrape it out before you come to the meet and greet. That's all I'm going to say.

And I'm saying that as someone who I'm sure, when Lund went on his date with his longtime girlfriend, Chella, I had some shit in my pants. All right? And he called me up for it. He said, get out of here. You reek like shit. And I did.

That was on me. me no you didn't you didn't act literally because your smell was feet cigarettes armpit it wasn't uh literal feces but i smell like a castaway on a moroccan pirate ship it was like uh it was there was actually that's right smell yeah frankincense i think uh or i liked i liked the idea because you know i want to i want to believe in people that they're good i i came up with a scenario that the guy stepped in dog shit on his way in notices when he's at his seat doesn't want to track dog shit all over the place so you know he freaked and he and he you know he doesn't think it through you know he cleans it off with his hand right and now he's got dog shit on his hand he doesn't want to you know

go into the bathroom open the door you got shit on the door you got shit on the handle so he wipes it on his pants. But I don't think that's what happened. I think he pooped. He pooped and he still wanted to meet his hero. And he did. And I hugged him. And I put my arm around him.

I posed for a picture with him. And he said it's going to be okay. He said everything's going to be fine. Look, I was once you. And now I have moved beyond that. It gets better. Yeah, there's hope for you. It gets wetter when you go in the shower. And hey, it gets spreader.

Spread your cheeks. If you have a deep, fat dumper, don't let the walls get caked. Anyway, Becker, do we have an ad read? We do not. That's probably for the best. I wish we were... I wish we had an ad read for Tushy. Yeah, I know. Hey, Becker, did you

hear? We could send one to that guy, to your fan. I just saw it this morning. They're sending them all to Lund's house, I think. Hey, guys. This was another great episode of Charity Behemoth. Get on that Patreon. We are almost at 1,000 patrons, and we will come up with some kind of goof and gag to do,

and we've assembled 1,000 of you people. We said something, but I can't remember what it is. We said Becker would relapse, but Emily said that she would be really mad if we allowed that to happen. Damn. What if me and you try heroin for the first time? I've snorted heroin before. Becker babysits. Yeah, Becker, you have to watch.

That's even in worse punishment for Becker. He has to watch us use heroin. Watch us blast off. There's a guy who can get it for us. I know. I met him at the gas station over here in Huerfano County so yeah join our Patreon please patreon.com slash showybohemoth

five bucks a month gets you so many great episodes where we really let it blast and also come see me I have so many fucking tour dates and I'm bringing Lund as I always do my older son Nathan Lund but come see us in Hilarities in Cleveland last week of January.

West Nyack, New York. What the fuck's going on over there? I'm taking a chance on you people. Baltimore, I'm at McGuby's. Phoenix, I'm coming. Levittown, New York. Traverse City, Fort Worth, Vancouver. I'm all over the goddamn road,

and I'm bringing the dump truck-bodied behemoth himself, Nathan. Yeah. Oh, and hey, if you can do this guys if you have a social media account just go ahead and share my special just share a link to it that's a really helpful thing you can do because I want to get it over a million views before I do any promo on it and I love you guys thank you so much for supporting that special it's been great

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