Chubby Behemoth - Sock Puppet From Hell

Episode Date: March 18, 2024

SPONSOR: Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order at https://www.sheathunderwear.com with promo code CHUBBY BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week the Sam and Jake start by talking about a new song they love. Sam gave his niece the greatest gift, tells us his reincarnation plan, and remembers a Jay Leno joke. Nathan created the perfect dog perfume, checks on Sams haircut schedule, and has had bacon in the house. Nathan also gives a HFZ update.    Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

so gay no way yep just so many moments where that's popped in my head it just makes me giggle so goddamn hard sitting around dreaming about kissing all the fellas Only thing stopping you is your yellow. I'm gay. He's gay. No way. He's gay. Yeah, it's funny to think of, I like the no way being the drummer, and he's like kind of pissed.

And everyone else is just being super supportive of the lead singer in the western swing band being out nobody warned the drummer yeah no way he's gay he's gay yeah that's getting me so good and then i forgot about one of our filming locations where we uh we joked that the cameramen were going to jail and that i was filming bori on my camera oh yeah i like scream laughed watching that this morning wait are you talking about when we were at high school very much so yes oh yeah dude that was sketch like i didn't know this was happening so i started recording him and then turned it around on myself and was like me and david didn't know this was happening and he was like are you recording this shit

yeah and joe was just filming all the children getting out of school yeah it's funny to think of like joe getting in trouble and then somehow the hard drive deletes everything except for him filming the high school and it's just like okay it was pretty damning evidence the only file on this computer is a bunch of kids getting out of school and then you show them that you show them like you have to do like witness testimony and it's you with your camera on david lun did i tell you that we went to elizabeth high school anyway even though they said we couldn't come on the premises no we didn't get we didn't get to that man uh hi well yeah so welcome to chubby behemoth it's a podcast about uh best friends he's gay oh yeah you went in the van for that damn it he missed all that yeah oh one man we had some fun so there's a there's an old school like 50s country western band kind of like hank williams

one and he's up leading the band you know and he's like a awful lot of fighting down at the saloon i just want to lick on the knot of your balloon he's gay he's gay no way he's gay and the drummer is upset to find out live on stage that the band leader is gay. That was a fun bit. Yeah, that's good. Can we turn up Lund? Yeah, I meant to turn you down. Let's turn up Lund in the headphones.

I'm turned. I'm turnt. Lund, do you remember your bit that you and David came up with in the back of the van? No. Fat Black High School? your bit that you and david came up with in the back of the van uh no fat black high school oh shit yeah the the the gauntlet the uh the absolute toughest place to come from because because they would dominate you blast blast you into just dust. Uh-huh. Because they're the best. If you're the only white kid at Fat Black High School, it's going to be tough.

Yeah, a white kid coming from Fat Black High school and being uh unstoppable like nobody can yeah nobody can touch him uh yeah he's he's fucking unfazeable he's bulletproof because he's been in training he's just been in the fucking furnace for four years yeah forged in fire and then comes out barely but uh but as strong as he could possibly be yeah superhero type but he gets so into the culture that he then goes to a historically fat black college well yeah he shows up and just he's just surrounded by clumps. That's the second season. Yeah. I don't know. I can't hear myself, so that's annoying.

Becker, what do you think about Lund? Hold on. Yeah. I don't know why he can't hear himself. That's odd because he's... I often can't hear myself in this. That's why I talk so much. I think I can hear myself more this. That's why I have to talk so much. I think I sound... I can hear myself more now.

Can I get a little more Lund in my headphones? That's as loud as I can make Lund. I turned you and I down to equal it out. I don't know why his mic's been coming in quiet for a couple of episodes. What's that? I'm going to do laundry tomorrow. I'm coming to you live from my sister-in-law's basement,

and I am staring at a deflated bounce castle that she has for little Susu in the basement. And it's a real metaphor for how things are going around here. Is it a two-person bounce house? Like, is it small? Yeah, I mean, I think it's pretty much just for Susu. I'm pretty sure the weight limit on it is probably 85 pounds so if i were to go in there i would be killing her toy on a grand scale uh so where were you that you i figured you were at hannah's like watching susu

get tired no we were over it we were over at suz's house, my mother-in-law's house. Yeah. And I gave Susu the gift of a lifetime. Because we were playing Mexican Train. You know, it's like a dominoes game. And I just whispered over to Susu, Emily's wearing a diaper. And she wouldn't shut up about it for 45 minutes until we left.

We would have left probably a half hour earlier if I didn't inform Susu that Emily was wearing a diaper and that there was poo-poo and pee-pee in it. Oh, yeah. It brought everything to a halt. It was the same thing as, like, doing, like, a worker's strike is you tell a four-year-old that her aunt has a diaper on, and just... It's over. So I had Susu on my team in Mexican Train, and it just devolved into us whispering and giggling and pointing at Emily,

until Emily was like, all right, fine, what's going on? Tell me what's going on. And Susu said, you're wearing a diaper. It was awesome. Damn. And then, yeah, you won the game. The game was over.

Well, I won the game within the game. I dominated the metagame challenge. Yeah, dude. Emmy has a diaper and it's full of pee-pee and poo just atomic bomb i nuked her it's before and after she was like turned to dust and then reborn as diaper accuser suzanna yeah and then she would like go up and like check and like pull her pull her pants out and look in and look at me and give me a thumbs up like confirmed and of course

you know Suzanne Emily's mom was like okay it's not that funny and I'd be like hold on it's pretty funny Susanna what's in Emily's diaper yeah give it a chance I'm like fanning I'm just fanning the coals

of the diaper fire and then it burnt dearborn to the ground fuck man i'm on board the mexican train to fucking diaperville well and it doesn't get better it's funny that you go back to the well after after putting me in a diaper and uh like having any any you could do anything in the world with my phone and you go diaper yeah and i posted it did you see that becker oh man lun was like lun's phone was out of my house and uh i took his phone andund was like, Lund's phone was out at my house and I took his phone and I was like, all right, I'm either going to horny react to one of AJ's green circle stories, AJ Splendor, shout out, or I'm going to post a story about you wearing a diaper and being okay with it. And he was like, all right, do the diaper thing. And I did the diaper thing.

I didn't know it was going to be diaper. You just said, or post a story about whatever you wanted. Like, get a picture from my phone and then post something. And I was like, that's fine, because then I don't have to hope. All right, we lost Becker. That's perfect. I was wishing that, and it came true. Becker, come back.

He's feeling ugly. God, he's not used to all the attention that he got for the last episode. People are stoked that Becker's alive. Yeah, they're pretending to be stoked that Becker's doing all right. Is he on? Oh, he's fine. Becker, did you just kill your uh camera but you're there becker did you just bud dwyer on the pod

uh all right are you the mayor of pittsburgh what's going on buddy i guess we can keep we can hear you you sound great he saw a flash of light and then an angel back and then yeah on the angel's back was colton burpo he's like come with me anna nicole and the fucking i can't think of the guy that made the fucking lamborghini or just like come on dude the other night on stage i was talking about reincarnation because this kid was tripping on mushrooms and i kept telling him he was gonna die and then come back and i was like yeah we all come back we gotta come back as whatever we want. I want to come back as the guy who found Anna Nicole.

I mean, if you get to come back as anything, you know, I'd rather serve in hell. Be the old guy, the old rich guy. No, no. Be the guy that found it. I want to be his wheelchair. I want to be Anna Nicole's last husband's wheelchair. Oh, yeah, so... Go ahead.

I was just going to say, we had the diaper thing up. And at first, I guess I didn't think about you sharing it as well. So, I was like, eight people will see it on my account. But no, everybody saw it. I screenshot it and then sent it to myself and posted it and said, like, solidarity with Lund. Because the post said, Becker, that Lund wears a diaper and he's been wearing a diaper for the last three years. And he's tired of hiding it. Yeah, right.

We all know that. And then I pretty much did the live version of that tonight at Suzanne's house. Well, yeah, I'm sure it hit a lot harder with a three-year-old than it did me and Emily at your house. Yeah. And then, like, seeing how stoked Susu was on the diaper thing really got me going. I mean, it was just, that's what being an uncle's all about. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good one. But Lund. Good uncle move. They said, Elizabeth High School, I had my manager reach out to Elizabeth High School to get me on the field for filming. And said uh hey we're all fans but uh we've been dealing with some controversy at the school and we don't want this to reflect poorly on us because we watched episode one of tokyo riffs we don't want this to be the nail in the coffin well yeah it's like oh what

do you get in trouble for because uh one of your teachers banged one of my friend's younger brothers in 2005 oh yeah you got in trouble for that uh was it that one of my friend's moms was the treasurer of the county school district and she embezzled 150 000 and went to jail for it no it wasn't that well then what could it be because you guys are tarnished there's no clean record here at EHS. The Cardinals are cockfighting behind the school. So we just drove on to the campus. Dead kids. The tacos are kids. Just nonstop.

Yeah. The Frito Pie is children. The third bridge killer is hitting all three bridges nobody is safe on any bridge oh no yeah but we just drove on and we happened to drive on to the school at like 320 when school was getting out so we just drove through the packed parking lot as joe was filming out the window with the eight of us in that van just eight of the weirdest dudes literally driving through slowly and filming children what did you didn't end up doing the you had some plan for going at night and getting in uh from like what off of a trail there was like a trail that you could take to the back of the football

field or something right from the elizabeth glenn where bonzo lived and we pulled up and we found the hole in the fence and we figured out that we could still get on that way but we had to alter our plans to sneak on under the cover of nightfall because the storm came and we had to go to denver instead oh yeah that's right so now we just have frantic i don't know very slowly moving footage of just every kid leaving the school and what was most remarkable to me was that no one was wearing a letter jacket nobody not one single kid had a letter jacket on but becker pointed out, why Becker? Yeah, all the cool kids were probably in the weight room where we're snapping at each other with towels. Pissing on each other's feet.

Yeah, exactly, trying to kill the ringworm. Nothing new. But it was just, either that or it was like dork day at EHS and it was only dorks were allowed. Oh, Becker. Either that or it was like dork day at EHS, and it was only dorks were allowed. It's funny to imagine you trying to talk to the kids and then being like, what the fuck? When did you go here? And you're like, 20 years ago.

And they're like, get out of here. They start rocking. They rock the van. And you guys get all scared. Yeah. They rock the van, and you guys get all scared. Yeah. Someone throws in a smoke grenade into the van. Joe starts having flashbacks. I was going to say, you joke about Joe's generation not being bullied, and the opposite is true.

They're really good at it. They're the best at it. They're tactical. Yeah. Well, and you've got the internet. You've got either impersonating someone or ordering things from Amazon or the dark web. Yeah, they've got every advantage. And they just unleash it on you.

They just dress you down for your lack of riz. Yeah, like the dorks somehow have like... They magnetize our pants and they just de-pants all of us in unison we have to get out of the van because of the smoke bomb and as we do all of our pants come down and then we're just out there with our wanguses dangling on the school grounds they're like haha now you're all sex offenders gotcha they film it send it to the cops and the news you're ruined in like eight minutes it's just everywhere and you're you're finished it's over yep so we have that footage we got them it's over you didn't

you didn't you didn't talk to anybody right you just filmed them and then left god no no no we did not we were ready but i was behind the wheel yeah the best part was about honking the horn get out of the way dorks and then two minutes into it sam just started telling joe he was going to jail yeah yeah i was like well joe you're the only one with footage of that on your phone or on your camera so he was going to jail yeah yeah i was like well joe you're the only one with footage of that on your phone or on your camera so you're going to jail for sure i kept referring to it as all that footage joe got of the kids the cop from the cop from the bridge encounter shows up and he's like what the fuck you guys again

what i thought you guys were cool i mean when i pulled you guys over on that haunted bridge with your trombone i thought you guys were upstanding citizens yeah i didn't picture you'd try to hit the fucking parking lot at let out oh yeah dude it was that was the worst time we could have been there just slowly circling in a sprinter van with eight adult men. Most of those kids weren't born when I graduated high school in 2005. Yeah, you... None of them. The door is open.

The malfunctioning door on the van is wide open, so everybody's just... Are you going to try to grab somebody? No, we haven't figured out the door yet. It's not our van. They're borrowing this van from some other people. There's no license plate on the front for a reason. Yes, there are two cameras and a trombone.

Don't worry, this van can't be traced back to us. Oh, shit. It's all coming together. it's all coming together wait so i thought maybe you had uh googled elizabeth high school to see what this controversy is but you didn't you didn't do that oh i don't give a shit i didn't give a shit back then i want to know at least uh at least little kendall. got some poo nanny out of the deal. Dude. Who's that?

One of our friends, a friend of ours that you guys know. Well, he did stand up for a long time, and he's from Elizabeth, and it's not me or David Borey. His little brother banged a teacher during playoff football away game, and I believe that not only was the teacher in the room with him also her daughter and the cheerleader she was paying to babysit were in the next bed yeah david said that and i didn't know if he meant if he didn't say different room or different bed it seems insane that they'd be in the same room then why would you think they were in the same room as she was stealing that child's v card and then jay leno made a joke about it

yep damn yeah he said that uh what was it it was like a 14 year old boy had sex with his uh teacher at a football game uh in response his teammates carried him off the field. And we were all like, that's cool, we're on the news. And then meanwhile, this family was torn apart by a sex scandal. By Jay Leno. Yeah, like no one gave a shit that he was just a boy. We were all like, damn, I would have. I totally would have.

Yeah, that conundrum. With the teacher. I think she got a couple other kids that i knew too but yeah they were already out of high school yeah that weird thing that it's cool if it's a boy with a female teacher then it rules oh yeah then it's the best thing you can imagine yeah but if it's a fucking adult man with one of his students then it's the ultimate crime come on let's pick a side here wait so it either rocks or it doesn't you didn't this glass ceiling is not enforceable you didn't have your letter jacket on in the

at the high school right i may have i didn't get out but i don't think i know i had it in the van with me i only wore it on two shoots i wore it at the uh the skate park and then i think i wore it at the at the cemetery yeah dave took it away yeah he's gonna try and sell it take it back to the shrine yeah my dad has it on fucking grail it's a sam talent one of one that guy big william soul like flies out to elizabeth he comes in his escalade and he picks it up i'll be taking that d man i already have your home address uh oh yeah i. Because you guys reacted so strongly to my story about not showering, I forgot the best part, which I just talked about.

Well, catch the people up, because some of these people aren't Patreon subscribers. If you want to know the whole story, go to the Patreon. That's patreon.com slash ChevyBahemoth to get the whole London shower for four days story. Yeah, except I'm going to give it away for free right now. I didn't shower for four days, I think. I just wasn't doing much of anything.

After being in the van with us. I was in the van for one day, and then home Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. You let it ride all the way. Yeah, just never got around to getting into the shower and you're a round by the end uh when i finally took my shorts and underwear off they were on the ground by the hamper and george ate them george michael no george michael roll around in my underwear as if it was, like, goose shit or, like, cat vomit. Like, anything. I think it's instinctual to cover up their scent with anything strong and pungent.

With rotting meat or skunk odor. Yeah, your dog thought your fucking wrecked undies were carrying and he rolled around in them like it was a carcass yeah jesus dude so that he could hunt more effectively you should sell those undies along with my letter jacket that's a one of one so what you just wore the same basketball shorts and undies for four days? Yeah. I washed them, so they're not soiled anymore. Oh, too bad. They will be again. Yeah, they'll be wrecked.

When it just made me think about how, like, it was four days. I was in control the whole time. I'm not spiraling. And then you think about, like, somebody who doesn't shower for four weeks because they are the luckiest man alive single swinging cock out there against the world just poncho poncho and like spam or just like doordash oh yeah for sure as they're like coding they're just sitting in some kind of elaborate chair coding code switching yeah gaming becker we missed you yeah becker's going through it

i'm back now yeah i think my router must be cycling because the power went down for a split second damn well you probably know who to call, right? Yeah. I know what to do. I just don't want to do it right now because I don't want to unplug everything for fucking 10 minutes. Do you want to pretend like I'm you and we'll do the call? Ready? Hello, US West Internet Service. This is Leticia. Hi, Leticia. My router keeps crashing and it's affecting my work now you said router yeah oh damn that sucks man what are you gonna do about it uh nothing i'm hoping it's stable now it's it seems. It seemed like it was good last time, and then it blipped on my ass again. So hopefully I'm good. It's just going to make editing take longer.

Well, hey, would you mind filling out this survey after the call? Not at all. All right. Thank you. Hello. We're calling you back about a survey for your uh service you just received from us west internet hi my name is glenn hi glenn hey did you enjoy your time with leticia was she helpful uh yeah leticia was as helpful as anyone ever has been there five stars how many out of four out of five stars where would you put it five five stars all right well leticia can you come in here

leticia this man over here i don't know that man all right hold on leticia uh he says that you were excellent so you actually just won fifty thousand dollars for being the best at service here oh shit now here's the thing though if you want to get it you have to spend 24 hours in a room with the man in the middle screen here this is nathan lunn he's been wearing that poncho in those basketball shorts without bathing for five days oh hell no that is not what i'm here for all right and that's been some chubby behemoth i'll shower with the 25 grand that we that i get out of the deal i'll get hosed down that should be shorts so we've hit a thousand subscribers i think that we should give them um a victory lap you know we should have a goal and i really think it should be power washing lund

how about we do power washing lund when we hit a thousand paid subscribers okay you heard that here first folks um go to patreon.com slash show behemoth and when we hit a thousand paid subscribers we're going to take lun to a truck wash and we're going to hit him with the high heat we're talking yes no i'm not back i got a tattoo which is his greatest fear your greatest fear is clearly being cleaned and my greatest joy in life is either shaving becker's head or hitting you with some really high powered water so i think we should do this yeah i'm sure you do you you think that that's a good idea yeah i don't so do you agree no i don't want to get blasted in the face with a car wash fucking hose because you can wear you can wear one of the bulletproof masks that they use in dragged across

concrete. Yeah, I didn't want to hit you with car wash level pressure washer. I figured we'd just use my hose nozzle. No, you fool. I'm talking the thing they use to clean grout out of the concrete. Yeah, I don't want to use

that on him. He'll lose his skin. He does. He wants to take a layer of skin off of me. Oh. Is it worth it? Isn't it worth five grand a month? Come on. One time, power wash? No, because we can do whatever we want.

So maybe we don't do that, because that was the first thing that you thought of, and you barely thought about it. No, I have a list. I've made a long list of patreon reward tiers and that's at the top of it it's power wash lawn but here's the thing we'll start the timer now and from now until we get a thousand you don't have to shower it's not a bar it's not like i typically avoid bathing. This was special. Well, yeah. I didn't want to do shit. I've been smoking weed and partying.

Megan's watching True Blood. Rewatch. She's getting horny and you can't deliver because you smell like fucking roadkill? No, no. We're fucking partying. I smell good. She's not showering as much as she should. We're being bad.

Oh, the bears are fucking awake, Becker. The bears are up. Oh, really? Uh-uh. Yeah. Shit. Yeah, be careful with your garbage. at dark yeah that's why george michael had to cover himself in your musk one because he's afraid of the bears yeah yeah he wants to smell like an alpha uh but yeah they got into fucking neighbor garbage last night damn so it's no good man all right prayers up for lund

if you becker if you have any favorite outdoor cats say goodbye oh no that little the neighbor's retard cat is like my favorite thing while i've been stuck at home he can't walk good he got attacked by a hawk and then the hawk gave up in the air and dropped him shit so he walks like he's the drunkest man alive and it's the cutest thing you've ever seen and all the other cats take care of him and like push him up the stairs to get to the food it's so fucking horrible if he gets eaten by a bear i'm gonna lose it so lund't showering, and Becker made friends with a cat. That's what you guys are up to down there, huh?

Hey, you platformed it. You shone a light on it. You're like, look at my friends. Look what they're up to. Look at my outsider freak friends. This podcast is just like a fucking table read of gummo sometimes. People start flocking to Trinidad like Austin with edgy, edgy, edgy comics. But it's just like crow people, puzzle people.

People who want to stink. Old car people. Yeah. Smoking indoors guys. Gundam enthusiasts. Poncho guys Oh yeah a lot of ponchos I flipped it so that people knew

That it was a new episode This is new land You tell time in poncho flips That's your hourglass It's been 24 hours better flip the pawn show uh shit what do you have something i thought maybe i would but the main thing that i wanted to get out was the uh george michael rooting around in my in my bad bad shorts

reminded me i had a nice moment where i was like man david's really grown as a person because one time when we were doing whiskey and cigarettes i said i had to go home because i was out of clothes and he was was like, so what? And then really made me like second guess whether or not wearing underwear once was the right decision. Because he was like, you turn it inside out, then turn it around.

And then turn it upside down. And I was high and he was David confident. Yeah, so he was like, you get four wears out of every underwear. And I was like, okay. Oh, God. And then he left the house and I was like, how did that man's magic convince me that was okay for 30 minutes i'm going home i'm gonna go get

clean clothes yeah and then uh when we were hiking he had to shit really bad yes he did like i don't know what i'm gonna do and i was like go behind that rock and lose a sock dude yeah he was like i'm not gonna shit into a sock and i was like no use a sock to wipe your ass and he was like yeah you make a sock puppet from hell as we call it yeah so if mankind was in a fucking japanese death match that's how he would do socko that's how he delivered the mandible claws after wiping with it only terry funk can take that bump. Cactus, I'm here to put you over. I want to give you a career.

Terry, we're going to have to do the shit-soaked Socko. Oh, Cactus, you dirty dog. All right. I wouldn't do this job for any man, but I believe in you, Cactus. Oh, Cactus is reaching for the sock. Oh, it was not in the front. It was in the back. Oh, Cacatus is reaching for the sock. Oh, it was not in the front. It was in the back. Oh, God.

It's not good. He's doing a final death match, and I don't know how to feel about it. I know, with Cody Rhodes. I don't think it's with Cody Rhodes. I think it's with Duke the Dumpster Drosey. It's with somebody that you said you didn't know who they were. Yeah, I looked it up.

It was some dude I've never heard of before. Yeah, that's crazy. Oh, listen to this. Listen to how dumb I am. Nice. Last night, we're down here podcasting, and I open up my little travel bag, which has a variety of edible treats in it that have thc in them including just a bag of loose 50 milligram treats like you know like hard candies and then a chocolate bar

we do the pod last night i'm all high emmy comes home from gucci maine uh you know one thing led to another so i don't come back down to the basement. And then I wake up this morning to Emily being like, Jesus Christ, you just left a whole big bag of pot candy right in front of the bounce house. What's the matter with you? So I don't know if that's why Susu liked the Emmy has a diaper on thing so much. I don't know if she sampled her uh chunky unkeys uh supply of pot candy but she wouldn't call yeah she wouldn't have been down there without anybody

oh yeah she she has the full run of this house oh yeah emmy and what is he doing moving why did he move uh well let me say this you know you were out there cold but warm weather is on its way spring is going to uh spring and before the warm weather arrives and things get extra sweaty below the belt you're gonna want to stock up on sheath underwear here's the deal this underwear has a pouch for your dick and a separate pouch for your balls all right separate but equal so things don't turn into a moist mess down there you know how gross your genitals are you know how you're a real piece of shit as soon as it's above 50 degrees. That's how smooth I am. I'm smooth, baby. If I could be smooth down there, that would be preferable.

I'd rather have nothing than the moist mess, the jungle gym of dick and balls down there, the concrete jungle. Just the fucking, speaking of little Chechnya, every time I have to, oh, you you know i took a shower today for the first time since the the shoot so i probably oh yeah i probably showered i probably showered tuesday before we left uh the airbnb home for three days yeah not showering, not bathing. Wearing a poncho. No poncho. I was wearing the same boxers and shorts. What? Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.

What the fuck? And I reeked so bad. It's not even spring. It doesn't have to be hot out to be gross as hell but you know i look when you do that i don't know i was like a little kid who didn't want to uh take a bath because you know i liked the freedom i liked the control you were pushing it that's right i was on e i was on e yeah you were on fumes i was uh i was popping the clutch holy shit did creech say anything no but uh did you go near your wife in the last four days yeah i'm sure she noticed i told her i was like i'm i keep not showering and she

was like get in there and i was like no i don't wanna you had to talk about it and you still didn't shower i don't wanna he said to his wife i didn't feel like it but uh yeah the one-year-old said to his wife these sheath underwear are tops I like them they're comfortable and you know the guy that made them was a US Army Sergeant so you know they love their underwear

there's a tracking device where do you get them on? you get them online there's a website involved I'll get to that Where do you get them, Lund? You get them online. There's a website involved. I'll get to that. Yeah, the underwear. Each pair of underwear comes with a free camel spider.

You were walking around, too? I was mostly at home. I wasn't going to meetings or anything Okay so you shower If you're just at home you're just stewing in your own muck Yeah I was stewing You're just sitting cross legged you're fucking stumped Legless You're legless

You can't wash yourself because you can't get Your fucking wagon's broken you can't get to the bathroom Greach Yeah the pulley system was down. But yeah, sheath underwear. It's great. Everybody loves it. President Biden wears them all the time.

And he's not my president, but... I'm a sovereign citizen, so nobody can tell me shit in Elbert County or elsewhere. But, yeah, go to sheathunderwear.com and use code CHUBBY to get 20% off your first order. Plus, Sheath Underwear's 100% money-back guarantee first order plus sheath underwear is 100 money back guarantee that's sheathunderwear.com promo code chubby get sheath underwear support the show support your balls support your kids why don't you pay your fucking child support you loser

oh the check didn't come fucking get get a job. I'm back. Oh no. It says a new recording track started due to changes in your devices. Is that right? Did I just fuck us? I don't think so. Because I moved? Because I sat up? You know you're not supposed to do that. I know. Becker, what's the move here? Yeah. Becker can't hear you.

Oh, good. That's perfect. I heard that there's rumors going around the Mexican train table that Becker is, in fact, also wearing a diaper. Isn't that nuts? That's what Susie's talking about. Oh, shit. I guess that's the buzz around the juice box is that Becker, in fact, walks around and sits in poo-poo and pee-pee all day one diaper a day yeah one diaper a day yeah like a real fool like a real cowboy he's scared of new diapers so it's almost three dumps per dipe

oh can you imagine his legs are caked that's like something you would do when you're in one of your bathing strikes what's the longest you think you could go i was gonna say i i've never done the four four wears of of some underwear that sounds like something that you were into before ditching them all together yeah i mean i definitely was flipping undies or also just not flipping undies just letting it ride letting it ride letting it yeah yeah and then you reek and also you got to remember i was smoking cigarettes a lot back in the day. So not only was it inverted diaper style, flip them up, it was also just like nonstop Winston's.

It was terrible. Yeah, I remember the extra level of stank that you or Bobby or Chris could attain was due to, um, throwing a bunch of six on top of whatever else was going on. I mean, pound for pound, Chris Sharpentier is the smelliest guy we've ever met.

Remember when his feet were so bad that, uh, what's her name? Threw up. She was like, I'm sorry. What's that smell? And we were like,

what do you mean? We were just hanging out in Chris's house and we're're used to it smelling like someone just napalmed a zoo. I mean, it reeked in there, dude. It was like someone carpet bombed the fucking San Diego Zoo, and we lived in a tree house above the smoke. I mean, it reeked in there. What was her fucking name? I can't remember. above the smoke i mean it reeked in there what was her fucking name i can't remember remember she was super hot and her and chris broke up but she tried to throw it at me and

brent gill to get back at him the two grossest pigs she knew she tried to break it wide open for a couple of real ones to get back at chris after she like faked being pregnant and chris was like all scared for two months and then she was like oh that was just being pregnant and Chris was like all scared for two months. And then she was like, oh, that was just a joke. And he was like, what? Anyway, she was like, what's that smell? Do you remember her? I think I know who you're talking about now. Yeah.

Yeah. She had them, but she was small. So she didn't have a lot of them. But on her body, they were there. Yeah. I gotcha. Yeah. She puked.

Oh, yeah. She was like, what's that smell and we were like we don't what do you mean it's just just fucking shut up we're playing uh try and get the ball in the chiminea all right why don't you sit on the ground the stools are for boys we're singing and wrestling yeah uh but yeah then she was like oh my god i think it's your shoes chris and he was like oh they probably is then she picked one up and was like oh my god and threw up like near the shoe and then dropped the shoe into the puddle of vomit do you remember that and then george michael roll around in it yeah uh no i don't know if i was there for that one i think it was the day that pete holmes came over

to buy mushrooms and then like didn't look up from his phone or talk to one of us. Oh, yeah. You remember that? Yeah, I think I might have showed up right after that or something. Yeah. Because I think I missed it. He had to step over a puddle of vomit when he came in. Ow, what is that smell?

That's pretty good whoa uh-oh did i just call pete holmes okay i had turned this shit on airplane mode god becker's going through it he's having a cardiac event i really wanted him in here too he's having a cardiac event i really wanted him in here too yes people love becker now it's just like me and you were talking while one of us is playing video games who's playing video games not you oh you know what are you doing nothing where where's the other hand it's uh texting becker yeah no it's in there i can tell from your posture when you're trying to act like you're not itching your nads i've seen you fake not itch your nads so many times that i can tell when you're nad fibbing uh well yeah and i was gonna say it's nice when becker's in here to potentially distract you from what i'm doing

yeah i'm just staring at you in a little box in my computer it's very bizarre i thought maybe It's nice when Becker's in here to potentially distract you from what I'm doing. Yeah, I'm just staring at you in a little box in my computer. It's very bizarre. I thought maybe you'd be looking around. No. In your surroundings. No. All I see is deflated bounce house, and it's giving me bad vibes.

Oh, yeah. Is there a theme to it? Is it a frozen bounce house? No, it's just an affordable baseline bounce house. But what I keep thinking of is there's a scene, I don't know if there's a scene in a movie or I just wrote it in my head, where there's a bunch of kids, they're at a carnival, they're at a fun fair, and then a guy gets out of his car and he has a gun, and then all you hear is a woman scream like,

No! And then it cuts to the aftermath and it's just a deflated bounce house that's what i'm thinking of i probably wrote that in my head because i'm so so good at that yeah it made me think of happiness but i don't think there's a bounce house at the park. I love happiness. Great movie. Yeah, it's a lot. Oh, it's a lot, baby.

That's okay, because I'm a lot, too. It's a whole thing. I tell you that you see Kristen Stewart's boobs in Love Lies Bleeding. Yes, and that's uh that's cool yeah very like like uh eraser-esque nipples very exciting long time admirer uh what is that on or did you rent it i went saw it in theaters man i went by myself to the pavilions and saw a movie oh that's what by myself to the pavilions and saw a movie oh that's what you watched at the pavilions okay yeah love the pavilions i tried to sneak in but the door is locked oh yeah yeah because it was just like me i was alone down there and there's

that very broad man he's just like wide he's as wide as he is deep who works the door he's got like the red rosy cheeks and he's been there since 2003 and he has you know like he played with a bag when he was a baby and he got trapped in there for a while his head was trapped it's like one of those situations sometimes he still thinks the bag is sometimes he still thinks the bag is he's trying to get back on yeah uh-huh it was just me and him and i was like yeah me and fucking quirky romano i'm gonna win this battle of wits but the door was locked becker uh was it a good movie oh yeah i mean it's more style than substance but it's still an exciting film man becker's freaking out it's horny i bet he's not having a good time right now i bet he's pissed i bet he's mad he wants to hang out with us now he's not

fuck this is like practice for when he passes away he better not it's like he's here with us I don't want him to pass away I want him to be there for me power wash you man Emily won't shut up about your butt crack it's still

god it's like Susu with the diaper thing oh yeah she's a dog with a bone she's a three susu with a diaper thing. Oh, yeah. She's a dog with a bone. She's a three-year-old with a diaper rumor. And Emily was over it. She was like, okay, yeah, I'm wearing a diaper. Okay, LOL. And then after 45 minutes, I got the stern wrist grab, like, shut up about the diaper.

Over susu's head, shut up about the diaper over susu's head shut up about the diaper she was she was concerned that susu was gonna go to school and say my aunt wears a diaper it's full of pv and poopoo it's like who cares what are they gonna stop the presses Toddler today is going to do an expose God forbid she's the coolest girl In her class for a few minutes Before a disinterested adult just says Susanna shut up Yeah let her fly disinterested adult just says, Susanna, shut up!

Yeah, let her fly. Right. Emmy was, like, worried that it was gonna spread around the halls. Fuck. We, uh, we're going to some kind of bounce-around ball pit room tomorrow.

It's not a trampoline park? It's something like that, but I guess there's a big foam pit, and you can jump in there. Okay. I want to chuck her in that foam pit. If it's a trampoline thing, she's probably too small, unless there's a little kid area. Yeah, but if there's a foam pit, I'm going to double underhook DDT or into it. Power bomb, probably. For sure a razor's edge.

That's what I'm calling it. That or a dominator. It'll probably start as a razor's edge and end as a dominator. Because I'm not going to commit all the way through. Ugh, fuck. I can't wait. She was playing a fun game today at the park where I would go down the slide first, and then she would come down the slide and just kick me in the back.

That was the game. Yeah, that's a good one. We, of course, had to play it 20 times. Yeah, yeah. A lot of resale value on bits when you're a little kid and you just you want them done to death every time oh yeah yeah sammy sammy down the slide again all right you're gonna kick me in the back again yeah okay come on susu whatever you want, kid.

Are you going to get another haircut soon? Seems like that's your new thing. Yeah, I need to get a haircut every six days. This haircut sucks. Yuck. Did you eat any corned beef and cabbage today no just corned beef no

Megan said she made I don't know if she said we were gone or I was gone last year or the year before and she made corned beef and cabbage and I think I might have had some when I got back from wherever I was, but not this year. We've had some bacon in the house for the last week or so.

Pre-cooked? That's been good. No, no, cook it up in the air fryer. So you've just had a bunch of uncooked bacon? Not uncooked. Well, yeah, uncooked until it's time to eat some. I haven't had too much. Well, you brought it up.

You said we've had a lot of bacon in the house. The way a drug dealer will be like, hey, man, we got some opium out of nowhere. Somehow you got a bunch of bacon. You lucked into it. We've been buying bacon. I guess it just wasn't a thing we were doing. Yeah, you have bacon with intent. We weren't baking people.

And now, God, once it gets in, it's in the walls. It's in the fucking studs. What, bacon or becker? Bacon. Oh, no. I spilled my bubble water again. Don't unplug. I'm not unplugging.

I'm not moving again for the next 13 minutes. Oh, did you guys blast any of the Blue Dream pre-rolls that James from Governors gave us? Dude, they were dipped in wax and rolled in keef. What? Yeah, did you open them up yeah but i didn't pull any out i just smelled them and they smelled incredible oh dude we smoked one of those at casey jones park and then another one at the skate park and that's why i was so fucking freaked out when we went to third bridge because i was like scared and also high on wax and oil and keef and grass i was blasted i blew a hit of weed into my dad's ear and he was not stoked

because it hurt because it was thick i don't yeah i don't know he just was like he went uh very good that's what he does he's very passive-aggressive oh that's great shows as mad as he gets oh dude emmy had a ear like you're one of those like things where you look in someone's ear or nose with it like they have at a doctor's office sure she had one today she looked in my ear she pulled out a fucking brick of wax like that long just black like red blackish speaking of opium it looked like you know the chinese dilemma it was gnarly had you felt anything weird going on in there no but after she pulled it out there was a a whole barometric pressure realignment. It was nuts.

I got dizzy. I thought she popped my drum. I heard an uncorking. It was like my head was a fucking bottle of champagne. Just the one. The other one was fine. The other one, not notable. I think it's because I sleep on my right side, you know, so I'm impacting a lot.

Also, I never fuck with Q-tips because those are for girls. Oh, that's dumb. I'm not listening to you on any bits of grooming advice. Oh, because I didn't. You, what do you think your average amount of time in between showers is four days? So you judging me is nuts. Over the course of my lifetime, yes. Oh, but yeah, you just want to count the last three months.

Yeah. So that you can be considered the cleanest boy in the world. Oh, yeah. But no. Yeah, you average. Used to be like, showers are for girls. They'd be like, oh, and baths are for boys? And you're like, no. Baths are for girls.

Rolling around in dirt is for boys. Just kicking up sand. Yeah, that's the move. Come here. Who is it? Is it Becker? Will he drive over to your house? Yeah, he's outside. Come on, Becker.

Ah, the fucking bears, man bears man yeah it's a weird reality justin fields oh dude i i don't know what is going on with the bears or the broncos and uh yeah i thought they were gonna to hold on to fields, build around them a little bit more. No. Cut bait. Broncos, so much money on Russ. Cut bait.

Well, yeah, but Russ signed with the Steelers, and they were the ones who traded for fields. So what's Russ going to do? Yeah, they're both on the Steelers. It's interesting. It sucks. Justin maybe is like a third-down quarterback. I mean, that's the next move, right?

Hybridizing the quarterback position? Specializing it? Yeah, maybe. I don't know if it's ever been considered because it's so much to ask of someone is to learn it, and you have to learn it by being in there. So the less you're in there so the less you're in there the less you're learning it but crazier things have happened what two quarterbacks on the field two footballs make it more exciting have the competition be in the game not in practice

the game is when the coaches decide. Yeah. There should be, like, you know how they have, like, the challenge flag and they only get two of them a game? They should have three other flags in there. Like, one is exploding ball. So, you know, they throw the flag and the refs secret in, you know, the explosive ball.

Maybe I'm like a punt. Yeah, I'm talking about exploding football. That could be one. That's a classic prank. What's going on? Bear? Bear attack? Who knows?

Did he find another pair of your underwear? The guy in the hater-free zone is over there doing God knows what in his little shed, and the bears are back and i'm down here what's the hater free zone the dude uh this guy lived across the way uh in this because like we're in a little cul-de-sac and there's like a ravine so there's not a bunch of houses near us there's an old guy who lives across the creek. No, he's on the same side of the creek. But he's not directly across the street from us.

He's like catty corner. He's a little ways away, tucked away. But the hater-free zone is right, is like facing our front yard. Why do you call it the hater free zone he spray painted that on the door of like the garage what you don't listen to me i've definitely brought this up i don't think so man i think you brought it up in the van but not on the pod. No, no. This was like, because we've lived here for a year. And when we first moved in here, he was in jail because he was selling drugs.

And he got in trouble because his mom was over there and being neglected. I think he was mostly in the hater-free zone and not in the main house. Where his mom is like, I don don't know in need of help and so the hater free zone is inside the garage yeah i think it's the garage have you ever gotten a peek have you ever been in the hater free zone no i don't go over there there was like nobody over there for most of last year and then uh yeah i think he got out of prison or jail and so when he became unincarcerated was his first stop the spray paint can store and then he came home before he like put his bag down and just tagged hater free zone no it's that's been there so it's not new but him being around

and people coming and going over there him occupying the zone he's in the zone yeah and sometimes there's smoke coming out of the fucking top of the zone and I don't know what he's working what he's doing but

maybe the bears will get into the hater free zone hey no haters allowed bear a bear on meth we could have a sequel to cocaine bear i will be sure to hit up elizabeth banks could we if it goes down like a lavalier on you and send you into the hater-free zone? I'm not going over there. Why? Are you kidding me? We'll get Carlos in the zone.

Carlos is a good undercover agent. I haven't seen people. The lady that owns this house said that there used to be people coming and going, sketchy folks. And the cover, I told you this this the cover was that he fixed small electronics so you had these very very sketched out looking uh stragglers and and wanderers and flower children just holding a digital alarm clock yeah like lined up outside of the hater free zone the toaster a little alarm clock in web tv becker's out there with a router i actually needed help hey man you can come in here but

there's only one question are you a hater uh no all right enter the zone yeah dude uh it's so funny to think of a guy who thinks that's badass it's like oh yeah when i got off work i go to the fucking liquor store i get a couple tall boys a bush light and then i go to the hfz and i just chill in there does this thing yeah it's my zone as long as you're not a hater you're welcome to come chill but if you hate bro you need to save that shit for the door because there's only one rule in here and it's we celebrate we don't play or hate he thinks that's tough fixing electronics and yeah getting people what they need to go about their day a little energy a little pick me up sometimes yeah you gotta fix your not hate playstation one controller yeah hey i've got a i've got a fucking george foreman grill that's on the fritz do you

want any crystal meth or not read the zone stupid well yeah i just thought i could actually like do both like get this thing fixed i'm not gonna be hungry for a while thanks to your other business but which we all appreciate hey as a member of the community thank you eventually i'm gonna want a grilled cheese yeah when i come down off this peanut butter crank when i finally leave the hater freefree zone, I'm going to need a panini. So, yeah, that's... We may end up...

Oh, and I mentioned the Confederate flag people, right? My other neighbors? No. We shouldn't have shown Trinidad to be so fun and there's a cool bar in town and everybody's everybody's enjoying things without yeah the other side of yeah this uh this house is like a street and a half you know a street away from us we have to drive by it every day and uh they had a bunch of dogs so i think they might be breeding dogs and then all of a sudden there's just a giant confederate flag hanging from the porch and uh i can't see exactly which sign they have like sassy uh no trespassing sign but it's something it's one of those ones

that says like come on up and i'll show you i'll show you my friend or something and it's a gun like one of those like just ridiculous it's not at hot topic but it's at big r right black rifle yes it's at big r right black rifle yes it's that hard r it's that yeah it's that big r in the sassy fucking i know my rights area damn they got the flag going confederate flag in southern colorado and powerful symbol the funny like oh i think it's i think it might say something about uh touch my touch my doorbell and i'll help you see god but then it's just like a picture of a gun wow it's something like that i'll try to find it i mean it's right there touch my doorbell and i'll send you to hell it rhymes it's right there It's like iambic pentameter.

Rhyming is for girls, though. Taylor Swift rhymes. They should have said a poet. Rhyming is for girls or badass rappers. Right, yeah, it doesn't hold up to scrutiny, but... That guy loves rappers. Yeah, so... God, this fucking... I have like six neighbors and those are two of them

yeah it sucks and a third one is becker so at least i at least i can keep tabs on him yeah we don't have to put that bell around his neck once hey guys quoting nincha then i'll know that i have to watch out for him too But once a bear Once a bear eats that Spy cat That lives next to him Then you know I know that I have to go over there

And take all of his knives Yeah you have to go over there And put a pillow over his face Until he falls asleep Hey thank you for joining us on this free episode of Chubby Behemoth. You can see me all over, including Traverse City, Michigan, this next weekend, Arcata, California, Bloomington,

Indiana, Dallas-Fort Worth, Providence, Rhode Island. Please check out SamTalent.com, watch Wide World, and support our Patreon. That'd be a nice thing to do. Yeah, go to the SamTalent's Wide World on YouTube. Like, subscribe. on that'd be a nice thing to do yeah go to the the sam talents wide world on youtube like check subscribe comment yeah fuck yeah if you guys could just all subscribe that'd be tight you know we

have a bunch of listeners i only have like 8 000 subscribers on my youtube get over there be a part of the first 10 000 man be a part of the uh the uh los caballeros as we're calling them oh yeah you know what you know what i decided is that if when when you hit how many you said you have eight thousand subscribers yeah i'll look right now when you hit ten thousand subscribers uh i'm going to push you in front of a train like a a slow-moving train. Okay. And so that's pretty cool. That's very nice, yeah.

Subscribe on YouTube. Flatten me like a penny. Stay tuned for a better health update. Yeah, I hope he's not just dead on the line right now uh but yeah i'll be in fort worth at hyenas and i'll be in uh bloomington at the comedy attic i'm excited to get the band back together me too i'm not gonna see you for a long time yeah because i'm going over to europe to open for tim d i don't know if i told you guys that, but I'm going over to Europe to open for Tim Dill in the first two weeks of April, dear listeners.

Sorry, but I gots to go. You have to be the little guy like me. Yeah, I have to be the worm. You have to be the Lund. The worm wrangler. I'm going full Lund.

Let's get out of here I gotta get high yeah no I mean I'm trying but I think Becker has to stop it we can walk away though we're out of here