Chubby Behemoth - Stop Hitting Me And I’ll Suck It

Episode Date: April 29, 2024

BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week the boys discuss fear based push-ups, a real life lesser King Of The Hill character, and why mayo baths won’t work. Sam gets shut down on his ideal new slime plan. Oh, you said 4 cheeseburgers. Is Nathan haunted by a Ukrainian ghost? He’s not sure but he knows where to park. Sam decides he wants the boys to eat him when he dies, found out a cool PJ feature, and shares a text exchange with Pat.     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

we ready to ride yeah all right yeah so hey everybody we just checked into our hotel here the comfort in extended stay suites in airport indianapolis indiana and it's funny because london is flying home in about three hours so i'll be putting you know i looked it up it's only a 50 minute walk to the airport from here got plenty of time eight minute drive 50 minute walk it's not that humid yeah it's a little windy it's windy but you like that then you can when you get to the airport you can be like it's windy huh look what a cat dragged in you can just do your old opener about rolling down a hill i got here via steep hill yeah but it's funny because there's only one bed in this room because only I need to sleep here. So we checked in and the guy behind the counter just saw me and Lund, one queen suite.

You're carrying a grocery bag full of what are long microphone cords, but to the uneducated eye, just looked like some kind of like leather rope you know oh yeah yeah i didn't think about that yeah you were clocking you were clocking what we looked like and then these microphones are also in that bag but again through the opaque bag they look like nothing but very heavy butt plugs that are on some kind of rope as if you're gonna like you know lasso and try and drop it in like cornhole in my cornhole you know as if i just get on all fours spread them and then you throw this black ice cream cone into my gaping ma and i was and we got here it was like hey we gotta get in that room hey we need that room we're in a hurry god there's a fucking school shooter on the loose can you hear that yeah it's becker can you hear

that but can you hear it through the microphones or can you hear it through there becker becker is watching us i'm hearing in our bed computer but okay it might no more talking microphones it sounds nuts is it a spaceship now becker what how is this going to work? Can we do this? Can we talk? Yeah, we can talk I'll have separate audio files for me and you He's being recorded He's being recorded as well God, we're really through the looking glass here

This is the peak of technology for Chubby Behemoth Industries My laptop that costs $70 in yen Becker watching from his undisclosed location Somewhere in southeastern colorado lund here and that guy at the desk thinks we're just pounding each other in this room right now we're gonna be in here for like an hour and a half and they'll be like thank you so much yeah it was a pleasure thanks uh we put the sheets in the trash yeah uh you know that little table throw the cords away yeah and the little microphone size butt plugs i hit him with a code breaker through the table so and that is not actually code we did

have gay sex in there but on our way we did some cool wrestling moves to each other i hit you with the code switcher i hit you with the chode taker chode slam chode slam uh so yeah we're we've had a nice weekend if you want to hear all the highlights from bloomington indiana go on over to the patreon because we already spit that shit yeah that was fun we did that last night after our last two shows at the comedy attic where we were well taken care of where we had a real good time rocking and rolling and losing control i was coked i was blasted yeah yeah lund did a bunch of blow yesterday becker listen to the patreon you'll find out no i didn't but what i what i said was that somebody blew cocaine into my face and it got in my eyes and i got coked that way. Because I was jazzed, because both shows were good,

and so I was pretty amped. I was disappointed, because Lund bombed on all four of them. No, no, no, no. No, he didn't. He did great. You were a bit scared you were going to get buried by Mark Norman. I was not scared. And it turned out you had nothing to worry about. I wasn't scared, but yeah, it was fine.

You were doing triangle push-ups in the green room. I've never seen you do that before. You dropped to all fours and you said, they're about to get broken. I was about to do some Kurt Angle push-ups. Yeah, which is where you do a push-up and every time you go down, you get to eat a Percocet off the floor.

You just do a hundred of those. Oh, yeah. And you don't get up. Now, how do you kill time when you're waiting for your extended stay comfort and suite to become available so you can go in and be accused of having just the smelliest, angriest, hairiest butt sex anyone's ever perpetrated on another man's hole? We went to White Castle. Because when in Rome... Five guys last night.

Well, hold on. White Castle today. They don't need to know my wife might listen knights in white castle yeah we were the knights of the round castle table and we had five sliders uh each of course not two and a half yeah not two and a half we didn't go dutch on the fifth 10 of every burger went into me and then you had the other one. It was good, but a guy came stumbling in there. Local yokel.

He can only be described as a lesser King of the Hill character. Like one of the guys who would hang out with Lucky, but never got any speaking lines because he wouldn't join the union. Because of what the Pinkertons did to his paw out there on the rail line. because of what the Pinkertons did to his paw out there on the rail line. And he came in. He had a sleeveless blue shirt on, trucker hat, sunglasses inside, blue jeans. His belly was out. He just had his gut out when he came in.

Which means probably he didn't have a shirt on in the truck. Or he was airing it out on the way. Okay, yeah. Because my grandpa and his kin used to air their guts out when they were overheated. They would just show their belly. It's like when people bleach their buttholes and show it to the moon. Yanni. Sorry, there's a bunch of tumbleweeds coming in the window right now. That's a whistling.

What the fuck is going on over there? It's not going to pick up on the mics, right? That's impossible. It's for sure picking up on the mics. Well, okay. Well, we're in a desolate location. We're in a lighthouse, actually, everyone. We're in Tornado Alley. I don't know what to do because the AC is off

and the windows are allegedly closed. But I don't think that they have a real commitment to structural integrity here at the Extended Stay, Suites, Comfort Inn, Meats, Marriott, Delta Plus. So if it's windy, you know... What are you if it's windy you know what are you gonna do yeah what are you gonna do what are you supposed to do what you want me to do go in the bathroom what what did we did the pot in the bathroom in the in the oh in the tub paints feeling yeah there's ants becker you want to watch us in the tub for a while, buddy? Yes. Yeah, I bet you do, Becker, because you must have just some of the craziest kinks after the quiet life of deprivation that you've lived.

You probably just want to watch us in the tub. Fill that tub up with some kind of like butterscotch or mayo. Dude, I would hate to get in a mayo tub because the aioli would break. Then you'd just be in there sitting in broken oil and egg whites. Now Miracle Whip, that's made by a machine. Frothy.

I sent Emily a video because we're looking to get a house. I sent her a video. No, no. Did it say the state? Indiana. I'm so swept away by this beautiful place for wayne here we come tara hote i'm coming in my pants on the drive out of town because i'm so stoked to be leaving uh we're looking for a home and i sent her a video of a woman who had a gallon

thing of elmer's glue and a bunch of context lens solution. And then like a whole stack, like a three foot stack of like modeling clay. Cause she's making butter slime. This lady, this hot, sweet lady who understands my calling. And she did it on the floor of her kitchen. And I said, Emmy, this is our new house. Me making slime on the ground. And she called me and she said, you know, that's not going to happen, right? I was like, okay okay it's clearly a joke in this house we believe that all no not that all lives matter that black lives matter that's right that science is king that kindness is key there's infinite genders and none of them have to make sense to you you can come and go as you please. Stick it, grip it. Casey's Pizza is all you need.

And slime is to be looked at in a museum or a gallery, not in your own home. If it was up to Emmy, you know in the movie Outbreak, where when they handle the virus, they do it in a box with gloves on, and the gloves are built into the glass box, and that's where they have to handle it, because it breaks out it'll kill all of uh detroit well that's how emmy wants me to make slime she'd like to have one of those boxes installed so i can't get any slime in her hair well how am i supposed to show you a new hat stupid you know why did i work all day and making you this fucking butter slime hat her Her whole thing at work is slime.

Amniotic fluid is slime. It's human slime. And I say, hey, can you bring a bucket home for us so I can quit wasting money on glue? Yeah, free slime. Yeah, let me put my hands in that placental sack. God, that must feel so cool. She doesn't want to take her work home with her. She has slime enough at the hospital.

She doesn't also want to see it at home when she's trying to relax. Understandable. I get it. But guess what? I'm slime and I'm waiting. All right? She's married to slime. That's why I like slime because it reminds me of touching my own body.

Watch this, Becker. Are we done telling us about our Indiana friend, our White Castle buddy? Oh, yeah. What was he telling you about? So he comes in. His gut is showing, you know, because I need my goddamn vitamin D. The VA hospital quit prescribing it. Mayonis in my belly.

Mayonis in my belly. So he comes in, man, and he looks around. He's doing the weird, like, kind of arms backward strut, you know, with his gut out. He's really pushing it out. And there's two people who look like they're 17 hours sober you know they're just waiting for the clinic to open so they can get right so they can get wrong again they uh they're standing there just two hawkish very ugly people and i know that you look at this and you think these guys are gross what do they know at least my face is symmetrical symmetrical i don't have like a hawk-billed nose and uh they're in there we're making eye contact when belly boy shows up and he walks up to the counter and he says let me get four cheeseburgers and the lady's like okay 819 he says 819 for four cheeseburgers where the hell am i this is all i'm taking it yeah you're dumping you've been in there

for 17 minutes i don't know if you're alive or dead i'm about to call atf to come get you out we need a hostage negotiator taking a dump so i miss the gut i miss the yeah i miss all of this i come out after he's a little more put together yeah he's more established his guts been hidden away where the hell am i 819 for four cheeseburgers hell i can get a whole meal for that amount of money and the lady's like oh you said four cheeseburgers and he says uh-huh uh-huh and she says oh it's 517 and he says that's more like it you got that zesty and she she you know reaches behind the counter gives him one zesty he's like this isn't enough for the cheeseburgers he was a fun guy zing was

it zing sauce uh no it was just zesty i think white castle's doing a lot of cool stuff in there that no one talks about because their burgers are wet it's the thing about a burger it's like it was pre-chewed or it was actually held in a man's mouth before he served it to you if you look there's not a grill at white castle there's a guy with a huge mouth and he served it to you. If you look, there's not a grill at White Castle. There's a guy with a huge mouth, and they make the burgers, and then he puts it in there. And then he rolls his tongue out, and there you go. Your slider's ready.

It is zesty zing sauce. Oh, thank God. There's some horseradish in there. Yeah. It was pretty good. But yeah, then he approached me at the Coke machine and said, the Pacers are going to win by 20 tonight. That's for sure. 20 points tonight.

You could understand them. Because I heard that. When I came out. Oh, I know swamp tongue. I went to the. No one speaks rural Creole like Sam T. I went to the soda machine first, and he was talking. I prayed that it was to you so that i could ignore

him and i could just hear like a honk honk honk oh no i heard every word of it oh yeah my ears keenly tuned into the way these people talk i couldn't make out a single fucking word and so i just and i kept moving i went well yeah you't going to sell your good name by dealing with Augie. I'm just taking a shit at White Castle. You think I have time to deal with the lesser bloods? Well, it was so funny about the White Castle shit. Well, yeah. Well, anyway, the guy says to me, Pacers are going to win by 20.

That's for damn sure. You can bet on that. Hell, you know what? I don't care about LeBron, but I want AD to get a ring. I was like, all right. Yeah, this is very progressive coming from you. He cares about young Anthony Davis. And then there was a black fella sitting in the back corner there.

And then he just like walked. And as I left, I said, all right now, which works with all black guys and rural trash. Hill folk. Yeah, hill folk. They love it all right now because it is all right now. 20 minutes before this, I was hopping out of a goddamn boxcar, and now I'm in a white castle eating four burgers for $5? God, should have killed Kennedy twice.

Getting off the damn silver standard, the worst thing this country ever did besides allowing rock and roll in church. They call it gospel. And look, uh-oh, can you hear that whistle approaching? There's my train. I got to get to getting. Go Pacers. God bless.

Go Pacers. God is real. AD needs a ring. Hey, hold up. I went to Duke. Yeah. I'm Coach K. Did he say something to the black dude well he i said all right now and that you know

that stopped his progression right there black dude perked up no yeah and then he went over and he just walked over to the guy and i saw him hitting him with more basketball bullshit is this man fresh from church just wants to eat his sliders in the corner white castle really brings everyone together we had a behemoth of a man dude real big top top 10 maybe as far as size or height and weight and width because he was probably what six seven he was taller than me he was more than a little bit taller than you and he was fucking thick he was built up and he had like the weird i wish his gut had been airing out because it would have been a sight to see yeah i would have loved to see the sublime logo writ large all over that man's pale belly you know he had the sun on there yeah he was a bad fish uh yeah he was impressive yeah and his kids were unimpressive Rosemary and little Dougie

quiet barely spoke didn't speak all he did was ask for napkins he went to the counter and said y'all got napkins and they said sir you've eaten enough and he said well you don't have mints so if you want me to get that food out my mouth I need my nappies

god damn this fucking window yeah that's gonna be your white noise machine tonight i think there's a couple of white noise machines staying across the hall you know what i mean stop hitting me and I'll suck it. I'd suck it if you'd stop smacking me around. Look, I came here to suck it. Goddamn. Hey, you paid me to get it sucked, not to be a dick.

When my grandfather sold me to you for that $100 bill, I thought that I'd be in for some sucking, not some slapping. Maybe a little bit of slapping. Sure, you got to raise me, right? I'm just a girl. But hell, let me put that fucking weenie in my mouth. Get it hard first, damn it. We're not loading up a surprise Pringle can with spring snakes, now are we?

This is a mouth. That's a dick. Put it in here. in here hell oh damn you hit me again i got scared in tara hode at the hotel because that she did i got some water and turned around and there was i think uh it was a housekeeper staff but she looked like a fucking ukrainian. She was so white and pale. And, like, her face just looked haunted as hell. She'd seen some shit. And I was just like, ah. And she just, like, nodded.

And then after the show, Chad textbook was dropping me off. And we were pulling up to the front. And she was sitting on the curb. And, again, she just, and again, the headlights hit her and it was like, gah! She's very pretty, but just quiet and just looked shook, like she had just

forever changed by whatever she saw as a girl. Well, the news doesn't get to Terre Haute real quick, so she just heard about the war. The war just started. She's trying to text and call family, babushkas. Babushka, ishkamishk, kumushkushk, gagorshkashkish.

I must find my grandmother, Haigui. She has no arms or legs. She travels in a bushel. Hide her in the turnips. That's how she got out of the gulags. She sold her chin for rock and roll. For beats. B-E-A-T-S. For a spot on a boat. She sold her chin for rock and roll. For beats.

B-E-A-T-S. For a spot on a boat. She's the number one DJ in Kiev. Grandma, babushka's beats. The strippers must thrive to her music. Yeah, she was scary. How did you make a move? You tried to offer her a ride?

No. You guys didn't double team this refugee? I also was um was sassy to an old lady oh yeah back at the counter to an old woman it wasn't really rude but after the show uh where i had a prime rib and some potatoes and broccolini yeah he said keep the check horseradish back up the truck zesty zing sauce. I got chopped off and I thought. Hey, do you have a zing sauce marinated steak back there? I thought, I'm going to be hungry again. I'm going to be smoking weed.

I'm going to watch the Nuggets game. So I get in the little market, a little bullshit $20 for two things and a little pizza. I grab some snacks. This is after a huge 24-ounce steak. It wasn't 24 ounces. It was 28? Probably 15. I thought you got the Gravedigger.

I got the prime rib. It was great. It wasn't gigantic. It wasn't massive. Hey, can I get a side of beef over here? I got some stuff, some snacks. I'm standing behind this woman who's just asking the front desk woman every question you can imagine.

I'll be the front desk woman. No. You be the woman. No, let's just do it. Okay, that's what I'm saying. Just let me talk. It's not that interesting. Let's not improvise. No, I'll just tell the story. I don't need you to get in there

and be like, hi, I'm Horatius. Hi, I'm Levitatious Jones. I'm Sandy Sandy. I'm allergic to sunlight. Check out the Patreon for Sam's gold from 14 years ago in my high school reunion Facebook group. But no, this woman was just taking forever,

and I'm holding these snacks thinking, God, just let me please pay for these. But no, she has to ask about points, and did you get my member number, and how do I sign this thing there's one's the toilet which one's the dresser how many pillows are up there like just my refrigerator is hot and also very small and black she's taking so long and then the microwave man ah and i'm just like come on god damn it please and then finally she's done she She signs the thing.

She's good to go. She's going to come back later, whatever. She goes, what about parking? And I just go, oh, you park out there where the other cars are. There's a bunch of lines. Those are spaces for your car. And you just park out there. Everyone else seemed to have figured it out.

You're not in your car now, so where is it? Did you just leave it somewhere? Oh like oh shit i parked in the lake yeah you already figured it out yeah you're indoors now this isn't a car is there a specific parking space that i'm allotted that's that's better than the other ones because i'm a member i have a blue car is there am i allowed to park that amongst the white and black cars? Is there a senior discount as far as parking spaces? Because in two months, I'll be 65. I just want to know if I should come back,

and do I collect then? She just got a little bit of sass. Yeah. How did she respond? Shoot her away. You be you. I'll be her. Oh, yeah.

No, you just park out there where the cars are. Oh no. Get out of here. She falls asleep in your lap. You're seated. She hits her life alert. You're in a rascal scooter. She hits her life alert.

That's funny. Help, I was burned. Yeah. And I can't get over it. I've been zinged to death. I got blasted. The devil came for me early. And he's holding up a French bread pizza.

I had to do it. The game was about to start. You're already eating the French bread pizza cold. Yeah. It's half frozen. Soggy as hell. Like a slider. Yeah.

You're like, i gotta get to work tomorrow it's not sliding i loved french bread pizzas but hey remember those little circular french bread pizzas they could have just been called pizzas but they were called french bread circles the red baron made them i don't remember those becker of course does he was raised on them becker had six for breakfast. He would do an Uncrustable and then one of those circle pizzas and then another Uncrustable, like a sandwich. Right. And then he would, instead of eating it with his hands, he would shovel it into his mouth with a Pop-Tart.

Covered in Nutella. And he would say, Mommy, I swallowed my fork again. I need another one. And then he would look in the mirror and go they'll never know they'll never know how smart you are stay winning you're gonna run this town yeah you'll be the man hunter one day oh jay confirm or deny that an episode of uh sweet meat garage was two and a half hours long is this real it's real what the hell did you guys have to talk about for two and a half hours? Cars.

What? What, is there a car with five wheels now? No, that would have been very quick. This is just in. Brett doesn't know a lot about cars, so it's a lot of us going over rudimentary shit. Yeah, I bet. I bet he doesn't know anything about shit. Becker, I'm sending you a picture that I just took live on the street.

Nice. Yeah, and you guys could hear it ding right there. Speaking of cars. Or is your crave case of Pop-Tarts just fresh out the toaster? Becker has a reminder set on his phone To quote take your pill And it's set for every two hours But his pill is a six pack of chicken nuggets I have to take my pill

Yeah I know you didn't need your pills Becker is reeling from the photograph he just received That is a Becker And you know I know a little more about cars than Brent Gill That is a 1942 Mercury Dollop And it's the original paint and the fender has been replaced with a fender bender stratocaster yes that's right nice hey with a prs i think it's a

66 lamans yeah i couldn't tell if it was a 71 Giancarlo. Or a 42 Hitler. Yeah. It looked like a 38 Goebbels to me before it was cool. So, yeah, Becker, that's out here in Indiana right now. If you and your dad want to fucking swoop in and buy up that man's calamity. No, that thing's fucked. Yeah. Well, we all are.

It's Indiana, The worst state. Yeah, you called it and got support from the... Well, I guess a Bloomington crowd at a comedy show is maybe not... They're not going to all be from it. Well, yeah. All of them are in school. They grew up in Grosse Pointe or Humble Park. They're all from rich places and they come down here to slum it with the real ones.

Yeah, but Indiana, man. I'll go on record. The people? Fine people. Not for the most part. But the ones I know, I like them. I'm going local style. Yeah, locals only, baby. Let it breathe.

We're not supposed to wear underwear. We're not supposed to wear shirts. I told her I'd quit hitting you if you'd just start sucking. That's chicken or egg situation there were two homos two wads across the hall and i heard them in there they were listening to a podcast as they savaged each other's rumps it's like hill i like a rump roast i've been to a fucking picnic i raise money for the lions club but shit i said if i gotta hear you bumping your grumps you're gonna hear me slapping my old lady around because she won't put it in oh shit i tuckered myself out so i had to hit the white castle there were these two cool dudes in there who look kind of like the homos from across the hall but

i said no way not these rock and rollers so i went up i hit him i said hey you like def leopard of course you do you got. I see them on your fat heads. And shit, five bucks for four sliders? God damn. We lost the war. We didn't even know we were in it. Anyway, I went back, got some calories

in me, tuned her up a little more. Couldn't get hard. That's on her. That's on her mama. Put it on my mama. Oh, shit. Yeah, first time in Indiana. Oh, I think we have a guest on the pod. Oh, yeah?

Corbin? The people want Corbin. Come on. I got to fly with that. Come fly with me. You should just carry these like nunchaka when you're on the plane. Just be swirling them. 25 foot cord.

One of them stinks like a belly button. Did you guys have a guest on your podcast? Yeah, no. Indiana, this is your first time. That surprises me. Yeah, the whole time I was in Illinois, we didn't do a lot of traveling. We didn't do a lot of vacationing.

We went up to Paw Paw Lake once, which is in Michigan. Yeah, that's where your granddad lives. That's where that old man got into bed with me in the night on the pullout and he did not pull out no he came in after like banging out by the fire and i just watched him get into bed and then because i was pretending to sleep i just like watched him and i was like what the fuck why would he just get into this bed? This sucks. Yeah.

So I'm up for like two hours, and finally I sleep a little bit. Then the next day, my dad was like, hey, it's his place. He didn't want to go in and wake up his wife. I was like, so he gets into bed with a child. All right. It's a different time. But you guys didn't come down to Indiana on your... No, Indiana.

We didn't go east. Yeah, we went up to Paw Paw once. I kept hoping we'd see commercials for Wisconsin Dells, but that was a pipe dream. My parents would have never... Yeah, you were dreaming of being able to fit in the pipe. You were too fat for

the water slides. I was just a boy. Get them in the deal. We'll uncork them if we got to. Get the boy. Get old Sebastian in here. Tell him to quit tuning up his old lady at the Extended State. Get his ass in here because we got to get this fat boy out of this big tube.

See, I never made it up there to the dills. Yeah, I mean, I just assumed that as an old road dog as you are, you know, you would have probably driven through Indiana at some point. It's the highway of America. No, Indiana was one of a dozen states. That's probably what I haven't done. Welcome.

Bucket list. Coming to old Indy. Almost all of them are east of the Mississippi. I did an album here in Indiana. I recorded an album here. Indiana. No, you didn't. Yeah, I recorded an album here. It was called Indiana Jones. Jeez.

It was all... Oh, when you were trying to kick. That's when I was doing my architect. You were trying to get off pills. Yeah. Yeah. Those were the days. I was dancing for a bronzing.

This is nice. I like an extended stay. You know the people that live here for an extended amount of time have figured it out. Yeah. $70 a damn night? Shit. Where the hell am I? You better get your ass on that track.

And you know what? Don't go ahead and waste your time knocking on the door across the hall. Because those boys, they're not interested in what you have to provide. They found each other. They found quiet desperation. And they gave it a name and that's what they're doing in there how about you almost dying twice god we would have never even been able to share white castle and five guys in indiana let's leave the five guys out of the conversation

we have five guys that's what the guy across the hall thinks we're eating in here right now there's at least five guys over there and they're hungry one of them sounds like he's throwing up though uh so i was turning i when i arrived at the airport i rented my car which is a becker what kind of car do you think i have a chrysler pacifica whoa holy shit oh yeah holy fucking shit how did you do that it's the most popular rental car this year so far I look at car shit

more often than you'd think research for your other pod probably not more often I gotta fill two and a half hours with Brent Gill he keeps putting all the gas in the glove box he doesn't know anything about cars damn yeah could you tell that He keeps putting all the gas in the glove box. He doesn't know anything about cars. Damn, yeah.

It's a Pacifica. Could you tell that because of, like, I sent you a photograph out of the window of the van. Could you tell based on how the window hole is shaped? He just said, Yeah, I know, but I don't believe his... It's like he could have made that up. He's like a mentalist. There's some trick to it.

I could have identified it a little bit maybe subconsciously because that is a chrysler door handle but no i just knew wow well yes i am driving in a chrysler pacifica and i turned in to get my starbucks the other day as i was driving down to bloomington to rescue lund and um we fucking i it was me alone and i was going to turn left onto a busy roadway from like a strip mall starbucks and as i get the green light and then two cars come right through the intersection going very fast and i'm like damn those guys were late as i'm pushing on the gas and then i before i pull out another one going 70 miles per hour on like a 45. It had to be four seconds after I got the green.

Because there was time for me to like pause and marvel at the first two that were coming through. Being like, wow, thank God I wasn't eager to get out. Oh my God, there's another one. And I was turning left and the car was coming towards me. So if I would have just got out into traffic, I would have gotten T-boned. Hard. As T-boned as a man can be it would have been like the steak that lund had in tarahote you would have been prime rib yeah you would have been pink you would have had to eat me

that's you know that's how i want to go i hope that when i die i'm close enough for you and i want you to hit me like a swarm of cats and just start with my eyes and tongue all just the soft porous openings but sure testicle yeah i want you to eat me no thanks yeah becker if i put that in my will that i would uh allow you to have the impala would you turn me into burgers and eat me with lunch no burgers yeah not raw i thought you meant off of your body yeah i'll cut you up you wouldn't Would you turn me into burgers and eat me with lunch? No. Oh, burgers? Yeah. Not raw. I thought you meant off of your body. Yeah, I'll cut you up.

You wouldn't eat your... Would that be weird? And I know I'm... Look, I know we're on a comedic podcast, but is it sincerely weird? I would rather my body be used, so I'd like to be roasted and then also cooked. That's what I want. I want you guys to do a roast of my corpse. Make fun of you while eating. No, no, no.

Before you eat me, I want it to be on a day as an upright coffin, vampire style. And also, as everyone's there mourning, you also don't tell people I'm dead. What? Yeah, you just be like, hey, we're having an impromptu roast of Sam Talent. Yeah, get down here quick. Guess what? Sam lived somewhere for two seconds, and now he's leaving, so we're having an impromptu roast of sam talent time yeah get down here quick guess what sam uh lives somewhere for two seconds and now he's leaving so we're gonna roast him very good so so i'm uh i'm in the box and the lights come up and we're like hey it's the guest of honor and that's how you break the news that i've passed on and everyone's like crying and you're like all right shut up yourist is about to live stream in from the asylum.

And now, Brian Simpson. You know, we have to like, everyone's not available. Becker. Becker, get up here. And now, Noah, everybody. People boo him. And then you guys put me on a spit and you fucking cook me. Wouldn't be bad.

Think about how it would marble. Oh yeah, it would look great. Bunch of Wagyu. Chris Pierce would eat me. Chris and Buddy would eat me for sure. Because they're real friends. No bun. No bun, yeah. Keto.

They do a vinegar sauce. they like pronouncing half the word um so outside we have just windy as fuck yes it's very windy out there fucking you know tornado watch it's not a warning yet yes but it is a watch oh my god for real i have to i have to fly in this yeah in this malarkey i'm gonna be like you on the pj struggling yes human toilet doing the sign of the cross so here's something how dumb i am we're on this pj the first time and i go into what i thought was the bathroom i'm filming it with my little camera i can't find a toilet and i'm like weird they don't have a toilet on a pj these things aren't that fancy can't even dump can't even dump on here so i go out you know we almost

die the next pj we're on i'm like well there's that little nice room back there and there's like a there's like a little seat with like a padded uh leather uh it's like a padded leather uh ottoman in there and i sit down on it and tim says you shitting right now and i said what he says why are you sitting on the toilet and i was like toilet stand up and lift up the hood of that little ottoman there's a fucking toilet in there and i was like dude i didn't know there was a toilet on here. And he went, you know, he probably said something very mean about God. Look at Betsy's baby boy. You can take the pig out of the manger, but you can't make him God.

You know? But yeah, because I was sitting and I was looking around the corner with the door open and to everyone, he's like, everyone on the plane thinks you're shitting right now. You're seated on the toilet, your head's poking out. Shut the door. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry, dude. I didn't know there was a toilet. Didn't know there was

a toilet. Well, I should have offered to serve you soup. That could have been your bowl. Why did you sit? Because I just wanted to get away from Tim for a second, I guess. I don't know. It looked comfortable because it was plush and leather and I was like, ooh, this is nice. It's a little

private Idaho. I thought it was like, know the vip section it was the toilet was there room in there for you or was it very i was laid back it was the pj chairs are weird because they're on swivels so you can swivel all around so as soon as me and tim figured that out we just unlatched them and then we were just sliding we were just plane surfing in there like on a track i don't know dude i think it was like a uniball the same thing that's in like a segway you know because you could go like 360 degrees we're bumping off each other that's fun it was very cool damn yeah that's crazy i feel like i've been talking too much because you had all those sodas. I'm trying to keep the ball in the air.

I'm looking at my phone. I'm taking that dude's advice and taking Indiana. Minus 20. Yeah. Hey, guys, weigh in, listeners. Send Len some messages telling him, delete Twitter off your phone, buddy. You don't need it anymore.

No, it keeps me connected to the youth. Keeps you disconnected from the people around you. The people who are in bed with you. I've had enough of you. This is the first weekend back, and I'm over it. Oh, wow. God, I'm going to get blown over to the airport. Yeah, if you run into that guy's girlfriend,

you'll be like, I won't hit you. Just suck it. She's like, all right, hell, that's a pretty good deal. What's in it for you? Well, I get my dick sucked. Oh, shit. I forgot about that part. You know, you get the stick so much you forget about the carrot.

Jeez. Oh, no. This might be our best pot ever. Last night was pretty good. Yeah, but I mean, shit. No one cooks like us. It was a good trip. We got several weekends coming up, so that's exciting.

Yeah, Providence next weekend. I can't wait to take you to New York system. That's another state that I haven't been in. Rhode Island. Rhode Island. The Little Devil. I'm crossing them off. Where else have I not been?

North Carolina. We went to South Carolina. You've been to North Carolina? I haven't been. Oh, no. Yes, I have. Asheville. Yeah. Sorry. I haven't been to Hawaii, Alaska, Vermont, New Hampshire. What? Delaware.

Delaware. We were in Maryland, crossed off Baltimore. So, shit. I might. i've been in all the west coast ones everywhere where there's an in and out you've been no i've just i've driven more across the west yeah than i have uh up into the east shit i haven't been to new jersey but the new jersey have you been to the you haven't been to new jersey you haven't been to seaton hall You haven't been to New Jersey? Have you been to the... You haven't been to New Jersey? You haven't been to Seton Hall? You haven't been to the Newark Airport? No.

What? Oh, I don't think so. I don't think so. Maybe, but that doesn't count either. You haven't been to the Garden State? You love that movie. Manic Picture Dream Girl. She gets me.

She's like me, but in girl form. Hot and in a helmet. That's what I like. Yeah. Listening to Bjork. Hot in a... They Listening to Bjork. Hot in a... They all love Bjork. Chirping like a bird

instead of using words. That's my girl. Yeah, we can go to Ruby Tuesday. Paying in precious stones. Paying in Petoskey stones. Arrowheads. She says that her drink's too cold.

Haven't been to Maine. Well, you know what we should do? Haven't been to Connecticut. We should just book a big old fucking loop up there and cross all those northeastern states off. Yeah, fuck yeah. Also, who cares? Oh, look at my journey to go to all 50 states i don't give a fuck those are just really pretty states all the states you just listed i would love

to spend some time on small ones little guys big men take a couple a hop skip and a jump bring this bag over her let them know yeah oh is someone knocking stop sucking let me out of here go back to the hitting Oh, is someone knocking? Stop sucking. Let me out of here. Go back to the hitting. That's funny. Shit. Jesus Christ.

Shit, man. Hopefully no one was flying a small plane because they just thought that the engine died. Shit. Becker, how long have we been doing this? We got 15. We got 20 more minutes. We've been cranking over here, man.

We got 20 more minutos. I just don't want you to miss your flight. We're good. Indianapolis is international, but it's not a very large port, I don't think. Last time I was here, I was at the Indy 500. Becker was so jealous because he said, he'll never watch me drive a car, but he'll go see strangers do it.

Why won't you watch me drive in circles, man? That's like my whole thing. You were there with Are You Garbage? Yeah, the Garbage Boys. That was a blast. Were there other comics there that they brought? Or was it just the three of them? They brought their buddy, New Guy Luke, and Garbage Boys. That was a blast. Were there other comics there that they brought? Or was it just the three of them? They brought their buddy, New Guy Luke, and Toby was there.

Me and Toby were getting... Australian Toes? No, Toby McMullen. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Yeah. Yeah, we were getting... Who's the Australian guy? That was kind of like me putting my toes back into getting high, because I flew from Ecuador.

I flew from Ecuador to the Indy 500 and hadn't smoked weed the whole time I was down there. And you had kind of chilled on it before that because it was giving you panic attacks. Right, yeah. But then Toby was like, Hey man, why'd you hit this weed pen? You know how he talks. No, I can't do it, Toby. He talks kind of like an excited dog.

No, I can't do it. What's the Australian dude's name? Who? McCann. Oh, uh... James McCann? James. Yeah, yeah.

James Donald McCann? I heard Toby, and I thought, come play with us. Oh, yeah, last night... Yeah, you had a cool idea last night. I said to Lund

at the beginning of the first show, I was like, hey, man, let's each do Tobias Livingston jokes tonight. Just throw one in. And Lund was like, no, I want to dound at the beginning of the first show, I was like, hey, man, let's each do Tobias Livingston jokes tonight. Just throw one in. And Lund was like, no, I want to do a good job. Also, do you remember anything that he used to say on stage?

Well, I just remember, of course, I said a thousand times on here, the Texas Roadhouse more like Rex's Toad House. That was him? That's the joke, yeah. I thought that was Hicks. Me and yeah. I thought that was Hicks. I thought that was Pryor. Remember Carlin's special, Rex's Toad House? No.

The Toad's Roadhouse. I've been laughing so much this weekend that my throat hurts. God, I haven't seen you in so long. I know. Sorry, throat hurts. God. Sorry. I haven't seen you in so long. I know. Sorry, I rule. Yeah. But yeah, no, I put the kibosh on the Tobes Memorial Show. I was like, let's just maybe crush.

And then I was like, oh, yeah, come play with us. And you were like, say come play with us as much as you can. And I was like, no. How about no? Okay, Scott. I think the first thing I said this morning was smoking a pancake, pong in a blintz. That was last night.

Oh, was it? Yeah. God, time just disappears when you're with Lund. It's a sweaty blur. On the hour drive here, Lund walked me through his entire high school sexual history. You wish. That was fun.

I did hit pretty much all of the highlights. Yeah, he was crying. No, no. Yeah, and then we had to listen to Third Eye Blind in silence. No, how's it going to be? Just fine. I wish I could tell 16-year-old idiot Nathan it's going to be okay. I just thought about Lund leaning in for a kiss.

old idiot Nathan. I just thought about it's gonna be okay. Lund leaning in for a kiss. Little 16 year old spike tips basketball lump Lund with his huge wet lips. Lund has huge wet lips. That's why he has that mustache. Big lips. Yeah, because they're always soaked. There's glistening lips and he's

just leaning in to kiss some terrified 15 year old. No. He's like, if I don't kiss him, he won't drive me back to the pool. Nobody was scared. Everybody was cool. He said we were just going to go get Jimmy Johns, but now here we are.

Oh, you know what I did? We parked behind this Army recruitment station for a while. I didn't remember. I don't know if I ever talked about a young lady in college by the name of Ada. Ada. But she was a tiny Mexicanican girl oh no who saw she would know her name wasn't ada she was yelling iuda she you're like yeah i get it your name's ada may ada ada yeah uh cool ada is what we called her But no she I think I was at a rugby house

Party And like my friends had left But I was like ah there's kegs still Hitting I don't know So I was like there like kind of alone You're like well let's get out of here The keg's still full the Bloodhound gang is bumping out the speakers What are you talking about

You guys gotta go play GoldenEye Awful Awful's open 24 hours, so we can go whenever we want. This keg is not tapped, and neither is that ass. No, so I was there, and this pretty little young lady asks if I want to dance. And I was like, what? You know, like almost literally like look behind me. And I was like, yeah. And so we like danced a little bit, and that was cool.

And then we like kissed a little bit, and I was like, this is crazy. And she lived on, we were in the same dorm. You kissed at the party? I think so, yeah. In public? I think we kissed a little bit at the party, yeah. On the dance floor? I think while we were grinding.

Holy shit. You reached around, and she saw those huge wet lips. She said, Ada! I was doing this. That was the big one. I was waving my hand like I just didn't care. Bouncing the ball that is her head. That's her flat ass is grinding on your rock hard my hand. I just didn't care. Bouncing the ball that is her head. Yeah.

It's her flat ass is grinding on your rock hard cock. No, it wasn't flat. No, I'm just saying. I remember middle school dances being like, yeah. So yeah, she lived. It's like hitting your dick between fence posts. She was on the fifth floor. Or no, she was on the sixth floor.

I was on the fourth. And so I ended up going up to her room next night or a couple nights later. I show up, and I'm like, oh, yeah. Her roommate's gone. I'm like, I'm going to get laid. But she just wants to make out, and she's obsessed with this two-day-old 40 of Cobra. Like, old, flat. So bad.

Like, the little dorm fridges don't make it cold enough all of just the and she's obsessed with it she wants to finish that thing she's offering it to me i'm like i'm good you know i want to get hard i want to i want to have to hit you i want to bang come on i want to bang but uh that's not on the table so then it's's like, we're just going to kiss and then finish this Cobra? This sucks. She was very pretty, which was nice. But yeah,

that was unfortunate. You know, I realized that freshman year, I like made out more than I plowed. Because your lips, man. They saw those things

from across the room. My lips were so wet that their lips were dry. That's right's right damn you were just smooching you were freshman well just a several hookups were just uh second base second base rocks bury me on second base i'm not complaining it's just kind of funny where it's like yeah in college you kind of think that most uh of the ladies are ready to like you know bang somebody for like the third or fourth time you know they had one or two boyfriends in high school yeah that they maybe let in well you weren't used to the new power dynamic college it's

like hey yeah hey now but yeah i had several times it was like let's just kiss a little bit it's like all right fuck i'll honk them'll squeeze them. I can jerk off while we kiss, right? I can come up with things. You paid for the hour. But yeah, there's a lot of smooching. And that's nice, isn't it? I mean, hey, I'm not mad at you. Isn't that nice, I guess? I made out with a lot of chicks when I was in the band and rarely sealed the deal.

So a lot of kissing. I mean, we were wolves, man. We were like starved jackals let loose on a world of kissing i mean we were wolves man we were like we were like starved jackals let loose on a on a world of meat you know a bunch of big flies in here this sucks yeah this room is there's a body somewhere on this floor so there's like just more and more flies are gonna come in damn it's also muggy in here of, because the AC's been off for ten minutes. Shit. Oh, yeah. Hey, join the Patreon so we can take one of our friends to a legal brothel in Nevada. When we get to a thousand, we're very close to a thousand, we're going to take our little buddy, and we're going to have the curse of his non-dipped wick.

We're going to light the fucking wick on his little candle over there in a brothel. He's me in college. He's just making out. Yeah, he's making out. When you were 13, you were involved in all those gang bangs. That guy crawled

into your bed. That was pretty cool. We fucked a stray dog. And you went full baby reindeer and just froze yeah hello darkness my old friend so yeah join the patreon so we can get uh well how i don't want to say his name i want to say their name but uh who cares yeah we're gonna we're gonna bring him over there and also pat's gonna get in the mix allegedly well pat was like i don't want to pay to go. And it's like, oh yeah, I should just fucking fly you around the world and then we'll pop over to Reno

and I'll get you sucked. Greedy pig. Also, if you need some coffee, mail to your door. Hit up Creech. The email address is mutinyonmainstreet at gmail.com and they have a few different options

of whole bean or uh ground up coffee uh they in-house roasting uh by our man tegan actually and megan's taking over so she'll be uh she'll be roasting the beans herself oh man in the near future but yeah hit her up. Send her an email. It's beanbitch at she's got them dot org. I already said the email address. Tim, sorry. Somebody did ask if she had them. Don't do that.

She doesn't know any of the podcast lingo. But she does. Intentionally. She's got them. Yes. I know she had a face for the first three years you were dating she'll send just some uh some information on your options so you can on sobriety you can go from there yeah just do it so this was me and pat um i said pat for the purpose of this text exchange i'm not going to use the kid's name that we're taking over there we'll just call him uh we'll call him load hey we're taking you

and load whoring he says okay but i'm not double teaming a girl with load i said you don't have to he said oh come on i guess if i have to i really don't want to but if i have to double team a girl with load and see his penis i guess that's how goes. His first time has to be with Pat in there. Fucking freestyle rapping. I said, you seem like you want to do it. He said, whoa, whoa, whoa, this isn't about me. It's about Load. And if you want me in that room with him getting sucked while he loses his virginity, I'll play ball.

So come on, join the old Patreon so we can get you that content. Imagine the post game of load and pat after double penning a girl just running the pick and roll on some terrified sex worker in the nevada desert that's an episode of fucking coast to coast i want to hear i want art bell to answer the phone on pat it's too bad because in college there were a few times where the crew, you know. The goo crew, as you guys call them. Yeah, we would always talk about going out there to the Bunny Ranch.

And we never did. I never did. I don't know if anybody ever made it out there that I knew. But it was always, like, almost a thing. But it's also, like, 45 minutes away, and we'd all be drinking and smoking weed. And not hard. And scared. Having just made out with a bunch of girls. a thing but it's also like 45 minutes away and we'd all be drinking and smoking weed and so and not hard and scared having just made out with a bunch of girls i just want to smooch yeah lying about how you had sex to impress some guy named terry um there was a like a guy that

was older than all of us that lived in the dorms named carl and we called him daddy hands what when he would get real drunk he would get handsy with anybody really you know just start rubbing your back and it's like all right daddy knock it off carl what he lived in the dorms yeah and he was like 26 or something he cracked the code was he an ra no wow he's just the smartest man alive that's right our our ra was like a fucking boy scout like literal eagle scout i think his name was pete and he busted us once when we god we pitched on so much liquor you know like the big you know one big like trip to costco you know so everything

was cheaper and we all fucking got our shit and my buddies uh thought they were brilliant because they brought in all these bottles and shit in like a big computer box and it was like oh yeah my mom bought me a gateway and it's the bottles are clinking around and shit you were like gateway and beats like what he's like let me see what's in there let me check out your computer and my buddy rob is like uh no and then he's like come in the bathroom with me check out your computer. And my buddy Rob is like, no. And then he's like, come in the bathroom with me. And so you're like, dude, you're getting a Dell. He made Rob pour out all the liquor. But as you know, in the process, Rob is just chugging whatever he can before he dumps.

Whoa, in front of the RA? Well, the RA is like handing him stuff and then going back to grab another bottle so rob's just like good good good and then downing 151 yeah and and malibu and jaeger he's wasted and you guys are high life oh yeah he got his shit in and he got like a little taste of you know some one me, one for you. The Everything Bagel. Yeah. And, yeah, so he got to party that night while we were playing, like, Madden 95 or whatever. Yeah, that was your freshman year, 95.

No. Yep. No. That makes sense. We were playing an older Madden, but it was 2000. Towers were still up. Yeah, you can still believe in something.

Yeah, still had my innocence. I was just making out. Yeah, as soon as the tower fell. Cool Ada, man. Tiny Ada. As soon as the tower fell. Yeah, you're Bush King. No, that's when you're like, we have to fuck. Yeah, life is short.

Nothing is guaranteed. I don't have time to make out. ISIS is here. Al-Qaeda is everywhere. ISIS is here. I'm queer. Ada might not be Mexican after all. Get the bomb-sniffing dog.

What did we say? Oh, when we were in Bloomington, you know, Indiana University is there. The Hoosiers are there. And man, you know, everybody's jogging and doing chin-ups, you know, on a fucking tree branch. Everybody's young and hot. And what did we say? Oh, you saw somebody with like a head scarf and you're like, can she wear that? And then we liked the idea of yelling out, where are you from?

You know what I mean. Yeah. Yeah, just like the code for racist, just going right to, you know what I mean. Where are your parents from? Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, you know what I mean.

Where are they from? From where does your blood run? Not Hammond. You know what I mean. You know what I mean. Tell me where they're from. I don't mean Terre Haute. Call the cops. You know what I mean. You know what I mean. Tell me where they're from. I don't mean Terre Haute. Call the cops.

You know what I mean. Just cutting to the chase. But yeah, there was a lot of support for both sides, you know, over there. Both sides of the thing we can't give a name to. I read that there were snipers on some of the buildings at Indiana University because there was a protest going on.

The snipers were there to make sure that everybody was clothed. Well, I thought that nobody had a cool butt in tight shorts. I thought they were protesting the fact that four damn burgers are $8.19. It's that guy with his gut out just being like, what we want reasonably priced burgers when do we want them pretty quick pretty damn quick i'm in a hurry right quick sooner than later damn it wapner's coming on yeah old wapner if we can't watch wapner we're all eating whoppers judge judy's a bitch i watch wapner yeah wapner's cool he gets it man if a slut starts lying he puts her in her place now hey let's give this thing a name g e n

e r a t i o n x is the best mutant franchise it's a Generation X merch. What is that, a comic book? Yeah, yeah. That was like the new X-Men that came out. Skin, Husk, Mondo. There was a guy named Mondo. Mondo.

Yeah, Mondo was like, he was Hawaiian and his whole thing was he just like became clay. He like became the earth. Clay to haunt. Yeah. I think he killed himself by turning into a volcano. But yeah, I was way into Generation X. Yeah, Mondo.

He was pretty much like Moana. He was like Maui before Maui happened. The rocks character. Backer, remember Mondo? Did you listen to Generation X? Did you listen? Yeah, you read the audiobook. Yeah, I i read generation x i didn't like it i remember mondo i don't remember how he died i had a i had a full run of generation x with alternate art covers because and honestly

because i thought i was buying gen 13 which was the horny comic of like they were superhero kids but all the chicks were wearing like shirts that showed the bottom of their boob. Yeah. And it was like specifically to make kids horny. One of the characters had AIDS. It turned out that was his weakness. That was his kryptonite was AIDS.

Not so different. Also a Denver author. Gen 13. Yeah. It's J. Scott Campbell. Oh, he's from Denver.

Yeah. Dude. Guess who followed me on instagram becker who brian k vaughn whoa yeah he's a fan that's nuts yeah i hit him up and i was like bro uh i just want to say i've been a fan of yours since pride of Baghdad. X Machine is a masterpiece. And he's like, dude, I watched your special twice. Whoa. That's a good one. Yeah, I was sick. I was stoked. Whoa. Him and Brad Leone are my two big follows this year that I'm stoked on.

Who's that? He's the guy from the Vanity Fair cooking show that I fell in love with during the pandemic. And he pickles things. And he's like a hunk. And he's fun. And he has a funny Philadelphia accentiladelphia accent he's the man nice and he's coming to the providence shows oh perfect oh yeah fuck that providence green room's gonna be crazy brad leone nick rochefort sam hide it's gonna be fucking wacky in there and you can see it at the comedy connection uh the day after

my birthday may 3rd and 4th, coming up. Eugene, Oregon. Tickets have been added to those shows, so come out to those. That's May 9th. May 9th in Eugene. 10th and 11th in Seattle. Yeah, it laughs. Winnipeg. Yeah. My first trip to Canada is to the...

The peg. Sixth biggest city. The one that nobody mentions when somebody says name Canadian cities. Yeah, Calgary, Vancouver, Medicine Hat. Toronto, Montreal. 20 minutes later. Yeah. Nova Scotia Junior.

Winnipeg. They start naming provinces. Yum-took-a-talk. Yeah, we're going to the peg, man. Come get pegged with us. A city in Canada that couldn't keep a hockey team. They have the Jets still, don't they? Oh, maybe they do.

I'm thinking of Hartford. The Whalers went away. The Nordiques went away. Yeah, a city in Canada. Hartford, Connecticut. The Jets are still kicking. I think they're still up there. What else is there?

Oh, yeah. Fucking Rochester, New York. Come to those shows. And I'm going to swing by Ithaca the night before with Lund and show my old stomping grounds. Yeah. Chubby Behemoth is on Patreon too. Patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth.

They're all heaters. No more audio issues because me and Lund are going to be together moving forward every weekend until the end of July. So, ready yet? Get set. It's all that. He's Dan Schneider. I'm Amanda Bynes. No. Oh.

Don't tell. Alright, I better start sucking so you don't start hitting. Bye.