Chubby Behemoth - The Cannoli Are To Go

Episode Date: April 22, 2024

SPONSOR: Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order at https://www.sheathunderwear.com with promo code CHUBBY BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week Sam questions his collaboration skills, his plans for a hairy corpse, and a petting zoo he started in Oregon. Nathan tells the boys about Baby Reindeer, found out Sasquatch’s preferred name, and had no time to grump. Sam got picked on in a pizzeria. Somebody woke up hard on a plane. The boys ponder biker gang IP.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

What if we all became our own god? Mine's just a god. What if we all had to reckon with each other's creation? I think, you know what? I've decided I'm not a good collaborator. What do you guys think? I think historically I'm not the easiest to collaborate with because I trust my value. Do you guys think I collaborate well?

I feel like a worm. I think that I'm not the best collaborator. I don't listen to other people. I ask them questions to make them think like they're part of my process. And then I already have the answers in my head. So, but I mean, I'm willing to listen to feedback. What do you guys think? Do I collaborate well? I mean, I'm, you know, you're good with everything but time. You know, you're good with everything but time. I agree.

I agree. I am a good collaborator for the most part. So thank you, Becker. That is a good note. Everything but time. You're perfect. You're a good boss. You're a hell of a boss. Yeah, sorry that I called you Greg the Hammer Valentine, Lund,

but you are him in my head. That's what you look like to me. You're just this smush- faced kind of like swedish ox driver you know like you sleep in a cart full of apples and you wake up and you eat the apples and sometimes you're happy when you get a worm that's why i posted this he looks like he looks like one of the when bart does one of his faces that he makes, he pulls his jaw down. Yeah, exactly. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Man, yeah, it hurt me. That guy smushed. Because that's why I asked if you were watching the Brutus Beefcake Dark Side of the Ring. I watched all of them. I watched all of them this weekend. That's him.

Yeah. That's him now or recently, and he looks so bad. He looked bad in 1985. Yeah, he looks so bad. He looked bad in 1985. Yeah, he never looked good. He looked fucked up. He was never a sweet, tasty morsel. Yeah, so I said in the group chat to one, you're Greg the Hammer Valentine. And he said, you know how much that hurts, right?

You're being nasty. That's the worst thing you could say, practically. Yeah, you called me Happy Humphrey, and I was like, yeah, yeah, I get it. But this is you. You're Greg the Hammer Valentine. Yeah, I watched all of the... He's got a real frying pan face. Oh, it's bad.

It's flat and not deep. There's no depth. It's like all of his facial pedantches were glued to his face that morning instead of smushed down from above it's uh just the face got smushed yeah god took his hands and just put him on the front and back of his head and just concrete yeah concrete whipped cream pot that's right uh i just had some chocolate lasagna. So I woke up. I ate some chocolate lasagna.

So I'm in a good place emotionally. What do you mean? Are you trying in the box from the 90s? No. I think you're thinking of that delicious frozen treat that they advertised on Channel 2, Becker. You remember. Between Chippendale Rescue Rangers

and Pinky and the Brain, the Vianetta ice cream cake. Vianetta. Oh, man. Yes. Now, Becker, interesting you brought this up because when I was out with Tim Dillon, he would not shut up about delicious

former novelties of his childhood, and the Vianetta is ever on the forefront of his brain. Well, it's back. If he... Is it back? it's back. If he... Is it back? It's back. They've reintroduced it. It's in Canadian stores already.

And it'll be here soon. Okay. Now, I feel like you're just saying that because you didn't remember the name of it. And now you know where it's on sale and which markets. No, that's why I was excited. Greg, what do you think? That's why I was excited you might have had one. What do you think down there, Greg?

I thought they were available. Yeah, we got along just fine. I'm not the best collaborator, it turns out. I'm writing this opinion piece for this new magazine. I'm the editorial of this new magazine launching called Denverse. And the guy sent me notes on the thing I wrote. And I read the first four sentences of his notes and I just responded,

hi, I understand why you made these edits, but if you want to run this, I can't have my name on it. It'll have to be published as anonymous because these are some of the worst. How many commas do you need? I've heard of the Oxford comma, but you put

in the Harvard hyphen. You've added the Dartmouth umlaut. I don't think any of this is necessary. And he just responded with, well, when I got my MFA from Yale, this was the stuff we learned. And I responded, I don't have an MFA, but I read a lot of books. So please see my previous message. That's me collaborating, is me throwing down a gauntlet and asking, I'll take my ball home. You can keep the sandlot, but you can't call it the game that we were playing. And yeah, that's me, man. So I understand that I'm not always the most open-minded when you guys have your crazy ideas. Hey, you know, you guys have said some crazy shit.

Let's have a girl on. You know, I've said, look, you guys can do that, but you can't call it Chubby Behemoth. You have to call it Nathan Lund's Untitled Podcast Joint featuring Becker and another guy whose camera isn't on and is using a voice modulating software. What episode was that? I'm just saying in general. See, what I was doing there was I was trying to lay prostrate in front of the listenership who was saying, yeah, Sam is a tyrant. Sam is nasty to better.

You're thinking out loud. Lund always flinches whenever Sam raises his hand to reach for his glasses. And I don't want to be a reign of terror type situation, a culture of fear, as I've been accused of. I think you would... You can collaborate because we're helping you and then bringing whatever... That's what you guys think. And I appreciate that. Yeah.

Yeah, that it's helpful. No, it's real. But... You know what I can do? With One World... I can stop. I can collaborate. But I can't listen.

You know what I mean? Right. You got two out of three. Which is good. Yeah. It's almost good. Yeah. But the listening one is important.

No, I was going to say you don't have to take like top down kind of uh boss type boss employee uh feedback like that ever right because you've been self-employed since you had an ice cream truck right well and you reported to clay when i you guys were co-owners when i hotwired that ice cream truck, I never thought that it would lead to a career in show business 15 years later. But yeah, you don't have to hear that from anyone, really, because you self-published. You do stand up and don't have to run that by anybody.

Oh, you know what? This is fun, Lund. You'll love this. Oh, you know what? This is fun, Lund saying what where did these yeah let me get a pen the pen i'm gonna pull over right now please let me hear me hear what Dakota and Shanice have to say about my art that I do. Please let me hear. So, yeah, my agent laughed and said, hey, good point. I'll take a look at this.

Because I just can't. I haven't had a real job since I was 19. And by real job, I mean driving around, getting high in an ice cream truck, and embezzling between $30 and $50 and quarters every night. That was my real job. Hey, Creech, can it. He'll be done in 50 minutes.

God forbid I got the door open for a little air. Yeah. So so i just want to say i'm coming clean right now i'm not the best collaborator wide world uh i collaborate with pat i collaborate with you guys you know i'm good at notes on that i mean pat that's pat's vision for the most part i just gave him the raw material and he built this little house that we can live in. Or the clay. He's the sculptor. Yeah. I only collaborate with people who look like me. So that's why you're lucky, Lund, Becker.

Yeah, up top, we're getting similar, more and more similar every day. Because your hair is growing back like mine is, which I have to believe in, or else I'm just going to eat all the pills in that bottle all at once. And then guess what? I'll have the hairiest corpse there is. My hair will keep growing after I'm dead. You get to keep it after you're dead. Yeah.

You know, I can't take hymns because it's not, you know, as open-minded. I have to take theys. Didn't I say that? I'm just saying that my boy pussy's never been furrier. Did I tell you guys about what I said on stage? No, we haven't talked last night at the show. This was the show after I became an enemy of God. And there was some, the city council was there last night in Hood River. And they were all sitting to the left of the stage

and I was riffing with them, blah, blah, blah. And then one guy would like laugh and then he'd go, oh, okay. You know, like, and about 20 minutes in, he did it, and I went, why don't you shut the fuck up, buddy? Yeah. But shout out to the Chubby Chasers. Shout out to all the fans of Sam T. Nation who descended on the small palatial village of Hood River. They came in from Oregon. They came in from Bend. Yeah, they were just walking around ruining

taffy stands making everybody flinch yeah taking big lollipops away from children and hitting them over the head with it i mean dude these shows you know this was like a fundraiser for the elks the the button bridge comedy jamboree uh was taken over by a dangerous sect of American terrorists known as the Chubby Behemoth subreddit. It was nuts, dude. Because the opening comics were great. They were very funny. But then, all right, you guys ready for your headliner?

Just barking toad. Ribbit, ribbit. Like, it turned into a petting zoo in there as soon as the host went to bring me on. And the energy changes. And then when I walk in, I didn't walk up to fucking Pantera, but it had the exact vibe of when RVD

came into the Philadelphia arena. Because it was just... I mean, I'm surprised no one gave anyone a stunner through a table. I know that's impossible, Lund. All right. A diamond cutter for you. Doesn't make sense.

All right. I'm sorry. But yeah, I mean, it was funny because Zach Toscani featured last night, who's very funny. But, you know, a couple people came up and they're like, oh, we're so happy. You guys are both from AFE, All Fantasy Everything. This is great. And Zach's like, it's nice when people are here that like you. And I'm like, buddy, just wait.

And then after the show, I get off and he's like, you were right. A lot of these people were here specifically for you. And I'm like, yeah, it's nice of you to call them people. Because it was nuts, dude. I had such a great weekend of shows. But fuck, today I'm so out of it done oh sure yeah yeah no sleep and i almost died on the drive this morning multiple times what the fuck yeah uh you know you thought you could hang like me you thought you were

more beast than man like lund yeah and you tried to oh i just won't sleep like lond right no you're not me i'm not you i'm not greg the hammer valentine you're a little boy yeah i'm a man i am i am a boy because emily my understanding of love is that we both have to just like lay on the bed and she has her head on my chest and says this moment could be forever uh and that's not how it works in adult relationships it's not just a bunch of like you know being cozy and talking about your favorite old degrassi episodes uh so yeah i just want everyone to feel loved because i'm i'm a collaborator that's what i do

well and i was gonna say you i would say the the big issue the big difference between us and uh this these examples you've said is that when you know and respect somebody and a fellow comic or a talented person you're going to listen way more but when it's when you know it's randos and maybe the denver's thing you know dude went to yale whatever that's cool good guy maybe you shouldn't have blasted them sure but that is you're going to be a response when you don't know who's saying these things and so you take them as fighting them's fighting 100 what you probably responded to it's a gauntlet yeah i just responded with a selfie of me going like this gauntlet yeah i just responded and i said hey i got five words for you and they make one sentence all right yeah anyway so that i'm not the best at listening to

people when i don't automatically respect their opinion. That's why I keep you guys close. You would, I think, acknowledge if we're right about stuff. Correct. Which most people can't do if they're a big timer or a perfectionist or a real driven person that trusts their instincts more. I think that maybe because they're right most of the time my greatest strength is that i don't i'm not precious with the material i'm not uh i'm not like we need to work on this thing for a thousand hours before anyone lays their eyes on it when it comes to my writing i you know i sweat over that keyboard

before anyone puts their eyes on it but yeah you know it's like you got to put it out because we think like oh i'm going to work on this special for two years and then you know people are going to sit and they're going to watch it and they're going to be completely involved in it and they're going to understand the camera angles and they're going to understand what the lighting meant no they're on their phones they're playing mtga arena you know they look up every now and then and they go yeah yeah, Toad. And that's how they experience the things that people think matter. And they fall asleep with their dick in their hand. Yeah.

At least it's theirs this time. That's a victory. Oh, dude. I forgot to bring it up yesterday because we hit the ground running. But Baby Reindeer. do you know about this? Is it a rapper from Scandinavia? No, it's a Netflix show about a British comic, and he has the most crazy story to tell.

And it was a play. He did it at Fringe, but now it's this uh net netflix series but it's wild dude phew you talk about it's tough being a comic this fucking guy what happened in the biz what happened he got stretched dude he got like drugged and abused by this dude and uh and then stalked by this woman and she fucks him up because he hadn't dealt with the earlier shit just like damn just funny because because he's going through like the worst things you could go through but he's also a comic like trying just trying to like win contests and shit damn and he's got a goofy um high energy show so that

no no no no when he's not dealing with it we can't use those words he's not dealing with it he uh he but his act is all absurd and ridiculous and so it's just so crazy to think about him

backstage whatever just whoo it's a wild ride and I was glad I watched without knowing much about it. Because, phew. Yeah. I mean, I could watch that or I could watch Michael Clayton again, which I think I would rather do than watch anyone stand up ever. Oh, dude.

I've watched Moneyball. I just watched Sexy Beast again today on the drive home. That movie bangs so hard. On the drive home where you almost fell asleep a bunch of times no no this was the drive for this is the two and a half okay this is my travel day i do the show you know my god he's the best we love you sam come on back yeah yeah dude literally sign my back yeah i'm drunk sign my catheter my hat yeah it's intense i signed a bunch of zentens and then the kids are like uh uh you know when randy Yeah. Some drunk guy. Sign my catheter. Sign my hat. Yeah. It's Zintins. I sign a bunch of Zintins, and then the kids are like, ah, you know, when Randy said you

were coming to town, we said, no way, not the toad. And then I go, yeah, the toad's here. The toad is, the toad's here. It's a lot of that. But then I do the show, and then I'm pretty sure the bartender and her husband wanted to fuck me and Zach Toscani. Whoa. They were letting it be known. Do you think they wanted either or both?

Or was it Zach, the most handsome man on the West Coast? Zach is a sweet piece of meat. And then the rest of the lineup last night was just WOD prototype C, WOD prototype F. You know? It was dudes in shirts prototype C, WAD prototype F. You know? It was dudes in shirts that don't fit. And so Zach stood out. But the night previous, I was hanging out afterwards with the organizers of the festival, Bo, and the staff at the Elks Lodge.

I kept calling them all the Grand Wizard. That wore off pretty quick. Whatever charm I thought was in that disappeared. But there's this woman named Shannon. She's behind the bar. She's probably 46 years old, maybe early 50s. And she has a long face and gray hair and glasses. But there was something about her.

I just like a sassy broad, you know. And I said to this guy, Tyler, who runs the lodge, and to Bo, I said, there's something about that Shannon woman. There's something that just speaks to me. And Bo says, that's Tyler's wife. And I went, well, hey, Tyler, congratulations. She's got a luster to her. And then I think he went and told her. And then she came in with a big tray of shots and a whole bottle of tequila and tried to pour them for us all.

And I was like, well, I don't want to drink or anything. And she says, what about a body shot? And I was like, oh, Shannon, you rascal. So then they proceed to tell us about how they went on a 10-person party to Mexico and how one of the people there had a live-in prostitute. And you should have seen the movies they made. And I'm like, LOL. Well, last night, Shannon looked like she went up to Macy's and just said,

Hey, can you give me the pretty woman? Because her and Tyler were. Cut circles in the front of her shirt. Where her nipples should be, yeah. Just wide open. Yeah, and you could just tell that there was a lot of buildings in this room. You guys want to go see them? You know, a lot of hand-holding.

I was like, you know what? This is flattering. I like both of you guys. Take Tuscany. Let Tuscany pipe you guys, all right? So we do the show, and then I fall. Yeah, you would have had to pipe both. I would have had to pipe both.

I get back to the room. You had to get slurped. And it was 420, so I was very high, as ones want to be. And they had a basket of treats, and I emptied the basket of treats. I ate a Reese's. I ate a Twix. I ate some kind of puppy chow mix. And then I came to, and as Buff Bagwell's father was talking about the time

that he almost beat Buff's mother to death, so Buff had to turn a gun on him and shoot him. I come out, check the clock clock my flight's at five it's an hour and a half away it's 2 15 i get in the car and i am just nodding off the whole ah rumble strips bringing me back to life so jesus yeah so i just start screaming i screamed myself awake for about an hour. As soon as I felt my eyes getting heavy, I'd go, I was listening to the locust as loud as the rental car. Becker, you'll like this. I had one of those Jeeps. It's a Jeep, but then there's a pickup truck attached to the back.

Because the Prius that I wanted wasn't available, so I had to drive around in a fucking cyber truck for some reason. It was impossible to park so yeah i'm just in a cyber truck listening to the locust on maybe 80 i think 80 was the highest that it went just windows down on both sides just it was insanity and then get to the plane return the car fly home sleep on the plane of course and then drive back i watch sexy beast and uh screaming for an hour and a half yeah just right along the sexy beast yeah get home collapse into a puddle wake up hey let's pod so that's me damn wow you guys want to hear a fun story that happened yesterday? Yeah.

Oh. I know we don't really do that on this podcast. This is more about catching up on people's political views and where they land on the spectrum. But yesterday, I walked- I know where you land on the spectrum. Oh, yeah. I'm full spectrum. Vladimir Putin. I'm full spectrum.

Can't collaborate. He can't collaborate either. Yeah, and he's like the goat. So, you know, say what you will. But the man has an entire continent on edge. Nay, the world. I haven't had an adult job since I was 19, you know. I'm just a guy.

Yesterday, I walk into Anthony's Pizza across the street, and I'm going to get a little slice, you know, after I wake up from my nap. Go in, grab a slice, and they have cannolis they have fresh made cannolis right so uh i order the slice and then there's a woman behind the counter and i walk over and i say hey can i get six of these cannolis she says sure puts them on a plate hands me the plate i say oh can i get them in a box, oh, I thought you were going to eat them here. How big were they? They were huge cannolis. They can be pretty big.

Yeah, they can be small. They were a Red Bull can of cannoli, each of them. And she said, oh, I thought you were going to eat them here. Now I know I'm a fat guy, and I know that I'm not in touch with how fat maybe I am sometimes. But I don't think dome six cannolis standing at four in the afternoon is how fat I am.

Well you only got one slice. So that probably confused her. But I ordered the slice from a different person. I ordered the slice from the slice counter. So she didn't know that I already put in. Doesn't know what's coming out. Yeah. Oh I thought you were going to eat put in. Doesn't know what's coming out. Yeah.

Yeah. So, oh, I thought you were going to eat them here. And that really bummed me out. Because they weren't all for me. They were for the green room. I was going to go back across the street and deliver them to the comedian. Six cannolis. What a nice thing for the headliner to do.

And it was just sullied by how fat, I guess, I present. How many did you eat? I had one and everyone else had one. Okay. Yeah. Becker, you're nodding like you don't believe me. All right? I don't care for that.

I went to a food hall and saw some wild shit in line last night. I saw this lady being very passively racist, but it was a korean hall and i went to go throw my shit away and i see this like young like maybe 30 year old white lady standing i don't know like this far away from the asian chef's face who's speaking clear english oh no and she just keeps going yum yum sauce and he goes yeah we don't have that she goes yum sauce. Like he's responding in a foreign language. And she did it over and over until she's finally like visibly aggravated in his face going, I don't know. Yum sauce, yum sauce.

Yum, yum. Oh, it's just one, one. And the guys in English and I'm like fucking 10 feet away and I can hear him saying to her like, yeah, we don't have that,

ma'am. No, ma'am, we don't, ma'am, we don't have that, ma'am. No, ma'am, we don't. Ma'am, we don't carry that. But I don't have that. And she just kept repeating it like he didn't understand her. And it was very funny.

She's like, he's like, ma'am, would you like hoisin or maybe duck sauce or I could make you some kind of chili paste? And she's like, yum, yum. Yeah, that was the energy, dude. It was hysterical sauce thick water thick water it's like a Japanese spicy mayo

that they offer in like American restaurants that was the other part that was funny to me she was demanding it from a Korean restaurant and acting like oh it was so good you would have wanted to kill her, Lund. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.

Yeah, she wouldn't have lasted. Yum, yum. Yum, yum. I would have said, I have yum, yum sauce, and she would have followed me, and I would have pushed her in front of a train or something. Rubbed my belly yum yum I'm the cook

I'm full you should go up and do Savage Henry because I think you'll turn a nice little profit yeah last time it was fun I could record a special in that room. I don't think I would have sold out two shows in one night like you.

No, but you'd sell out one. You do four shows, you sell out one. Four shows, 20 people each show. It's $250, fine, it's $560. Yeah, I can't wait. Well, it's just like I was saying some of the wildest shit that I've ever said on stage at that late show. And they were like, yes! You know?

I had a ton of fun with my sets. I did like almost an hour both nights. And it was very fun. But mostly because there were, you know, a lot of comics came, which was cool. And the people that were there were fun. It was a good time i kept talking about family annihilation and how you know i bet it feels pretty bad afterward but when you're in it my god you get when you become god you know when you smash those two tiny mirrors

in your wife's skull i mean i bet that feels pretty good in the moment and that's the point at most shows where i would say something like, how am I losing you on this? But the people were like, yeah, smash them. That's why they're up there. They smashed them. They did. They have to go by Dusty or whatever. No last name.

Yeah, they smashed a couple. I'm just Dusty. I ate my wife's eyeball in Fresno, and now I'm up here, and I work at the Ace Hardware, and things are fine. Yeah, Dusty and Twig and fucking Speedo. Hedgy B. What about, did you watch, shit, what's the newest one? Oh, Chris Adams is hanging out with uh...

What's his name? Booyah. It's not Booyah, but it's something. What's the fucking guy's name? You're talking about the dark side of the ring, the Chris Adams episode. Yeah, the guy that killed Chris Adams at the end. He's got like a wig.

He looks hilarious. Adams like gouged out his eyes and tried to choke him to death. And so he shot him. But yeah, his name's like, they call him, his name's like Jeff, but they call him like. It's like, it's like Bango. Yeah. Yeah. I know.

Yeah. And he's just like a simpleton in Missouri that Chris Adams like met at like a signing event. And then all of a sudden was living in the master bedroom. He like moved into the guy's house and was like all right you sleep on the couch now and the guy was like you got it chris and then and then they're partying and the man had to shoot him to death yeah his name was like uh like bongo or bimbis it's something we would use to describe someone with, like, you know, encephalus or something. Anyway, I did.

I enjoyed. I thought I could find it. I'll say that I enjoyed the Dark Side of the Ring episodes, season five. I'm with Moolah. I'll say that. Shut up. How'd you get a hold of the new ones it was uh streaming they put me in the suite at the hood river hotel which was very nice and they didn't have to do that but in the suite i had a

variety of streaming catalog and uh yeah i had actually a beautiful day until the lady canoli shamed me because i was just walking around in oregon and it's uh this is where they grow all the apples and pears for uh for the world i guess and there's just these this sea of apple orchards at the top of the hill and i walked up there and then i walked down and i just like i i literally laid on the ground in a bed of fallen petals and I told someone that night and they were like gross and I was like what it was transcendent and they were like yeah but

a bunch of mice probably ran all over you or you laid down in like a bed of rat droppings beneath a bunch of petals and I was like alright well thanks thank you thanks for letting me know I thought I had a beautiful moment but no i was laying in rat shit as per you you're covered in fox piss

that's life man when you when you go out and you live life and you tell people you're living they just try and put you right back in the grave you know what did you did you fall asleep was were you there for 45 minutes looking at the sky uh i was and i tried to film up as the petals were falling on me and then i was like man if i show this to anyone they're gonna think that i've totally lost it and i'm up my own ass so i just laid there and i let the the pedals cascade on me for about a half an hour as i listened to uh louis ck on opie anthony clips with your mouse friends yeah yeah just laying in the dung listening to louis talk about hiring prostitutes in the 90s in New York.

Yeah. Wow. And now. God, I got to get back to you. I got to save you from you. Dude, I need you. I need you real bad because the road is so many curves and I don't know how to navigate them. And sometimes I drive too fast and sometimes I drive too slow.

So, yeah, I need my Lund back, man. Fuck. You're watching movies while you're fucking driving. Well, I put it behind the steering wheel in front of the odometer, and then I drive. So you don't know how fast you're going. Yeah, cover that up. Right.

Yeah. And I just. Ah! Right. Yeah. And I just watch, I watch mid- I guess you slept on the plane, so that wasn't as scary of a drive, right? Well, it's not really sleep. It's one of those things where you get on, and then you put your sunglasses on, and you put your hoodie over, and then you cinch it down. And then the next thing you know, the wheels are hitting the ground and you're like you come to just you know it's a lot of thrashing i thrash or wake a lot on planes if you don't remember waking up that's better oh yeah no but it's time travel it's like i go

into a portal and then i come out and i'm in the next place. That's how deep I sleep on planes sometimes. Oh, dude, how about this? I woke up super hard today on the plane in my sweatpants. Yeah, yeah. Tent pitch. And then I look over and next to me there's like a beautiful 22-year-old who I didn't notice sit down because I was asleep already because I bored early. And I was just like, oh, she thinks I've just been over here

with my sunglasses on staring myself hard. It was like visible through the sweats. It was a good one, huh? What was your color combo top and bottom? It's what I'm wearing right now. Black Carhartt hoodie, gray sweatpants, Colorado State sweatpants,

gray pants, of course, pretty much just wearing saran wrap on your dick. Yeah, and I had a good one. And I wanted her to be like, hey, you know what? This isn't from you. You didn't give this to me. I did this all myself.

So I don't care that you have the Eve paw prints on the top of your breasts. I didn't notice that until right now. So pump the brakes, little lady. I'm hard on my own accord. Your dream mind. Yeah. Well, I think when you go that deep and you're finally that restful, it just becomes a primal thing and you're like a bear. You know, like you're in hibernation and bears never know if when they wake up if they're gonna have to fuck as soon as they wake up they just come out of their

dormancy they don't hibernate they go dormant because they wake up and they shit throughout that that period yeah well we've talked about this we have to know that four years ago but but why would we were just raised on lies uh well because i think that there wasn't a gradient of dormancy hibernation uh deep sleep it was just bears hibernate and i think that they a bunch of like bear scientists got together and you know they they not they nailed their 99 theses to the doors of bear weekly and they said no they wake up and they shit we've devoted our lives to finding this out they don't actually sleep the whole time they get up and they said no they wake up and they shit we've devoted our lives to finding this out they don't actually sleep the whole time they get up and they shit and then they eat a bunch

of berries and yes they create a dung cork that blocks them up but they still wake and they shit bear scientists not good collaborators somebody finally was able to to get in there as a bear yeah that was actually george went last job as they sent him in as a bear oh wait so go ahead uh when i when i was in raton this dude that lives in Taos now, he's been friends with Billy Wayne and Matt Davis for a long time. Lives out in Taos. He's been hanging out with these people, like hippie type people in Taos. And hearing about the, well, he said Sasquatch a couple times. And then he said that people that have talked to the Sasquatches out there said that they like to be called the Ancient Ones.

Okay. And you could have gotten some of this shit in Eureka or Hood River. But the Ancient Ones control portals between dimensions. Right. And that's why we don't find their bodies, whatever. And they're just like security guards. They just check know, they just like check in now and then. But they're cosmic doormen. All over the place.

Yeah. Yes. They bounce. They'll bounce you out of here if you keep acting up, if you keep setting fire. That is like the new cool thing in Sasquatch, Wendigo, Ancient Ones. That's what they all say is that they're actually like from space. Because it's not cool enough to just have an ancient,

forgotten race of hominids in the woods. Now they have to be David Bowie, too. Now they're also in Labyrinth. Just let us have Sasquatches. Quit trying to fucking tart up Sasquatches. I mean, that's why we don't find their bodies. Perfect.

We don't find bear bodies either because they die in the deepest parts of the woods. I found a bear body. Yeah, it's yours, Greg. Oh, I figured the thing out.

You should watch the hibernation. You should watch the Chris Colt dark side of the ring because that guy's like pretty much just like you okay yeah it's like looking at a mirror for you i don't know god that was that was that was a fucked up one because he was never even a thing like a big deal right so he didn't even have the trappings of fame he was just like a gutter punk slut. Yeah. He was like a fucking oogle in the 60s who was a homosexual whose tag team partner was a man named Dupree who had like a giant like pompadour and mustache. And they dressed as Hell's Angels in leather. And everyone was like, these guys are tough.

You better watch out. They're just dressed like a Tom of Finland painting. But everyone's like, whoa, these are the baddest guys there is. These guys must love all the pussy. that's why they dress like that but yeah they looked like each other which is always funny yeah yeah it was similar to one another and they were way ahead of their time dude that guy was born in 1946 and he was like i'm a homosexual that was his his angle. He was a gay guy. They did the Nazi thing. Yeah, they would come out as Nazis, Becker.

Everyone would be like, these are the scariest, straightest men alive. Honey, honey, don't look. I don't want them to steal you away from me. Yeah, they could have gotten torn apart if the Hells Angels found out that they were getting used as a wrestling gimmick. I wanted to know more about the IP lawyers of the Hells Angels finding out that there's two pompadoured homos running across the Pacific Northwest. Being like, we'll stretch you and we'll plug you and we'll make you bleed. We'll get every juice out of your body, whether you like it or not. We won't use our hands.

We'll juice you with our mouths or our butts and the hell's angels are like you know we got bigger fish to fry than these tiddlywinks out there uh yeah and no i would imagine if you see a flyer with hell's angels on it you're gonna want to beat the shit out of those two you'd think those two hombres but like the hell's angels that was like a thing they did they would like weaponize uh you know homosexuality they would kiss each other in public like that was like a cool thing to do but no no they didn't they did too i've read a bunch of hell's angels books that you wrote the fan nice one greg that you collaborated on.

Sam Talent's next novel is a collaborative experience between him and Chris Colt's... I should write Chris Colt's book. Yeah. Sorry. Hold on, I have a hiccup. Sorry.

Hold on, I have a hiccup. It's not all fun and games, is it, boys? But you know what is fun and games? You know what's fun, guys? Underwear. Yeah. You know? Having your undies on.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, if I had underwear on today, I wouldn't have had my visible cock through my sweatpants you had no underwear i burnt through them because i wasn't wearing just sweatpants yeah just sweats yep and you know that i'm farting you know i'm farting you should have you should have woken up to being in cuffs yeah Yeah, I should have been. You should have been. Incarcerated. You should have been in a wheelchair, handcuffed, legs shackled, penis shackled with a hood

on it. Yeah. Like a falconry hood, like a little bird would wear. And I'm like, to me, cock. And it like rests on my lip. That's a fun bit. To me, cock! And then it rests on my lip.

That's a fun bit. See, if we were more evolved, we would be able to do stuff like cock falconry with our friends. Where, you know, like, Lund, you leave the room to get me a cup of coffee, and I come back, and the next thing you know, I say, to me, Excelsior! And there's just a little cock with a hood on on my wrist.

And I'm like, give it a kiss. You know? That's the kind of fun we should be having. we can't oh no this couple that supposedly wanted to bang you has turned you on to a whole new scene and you know what i would have been honored to serve cock play cock pranks with the boys huh here is here we go pranks and life is like a hurricane here in cock why don't you drain my vein here in I died it brown Dog breaks. Spin my dick like a helicopter blade here in Cockprank.

Look, if I know one thing about our listenerships, it's that they already know about work shirts and air vents and breathable shorts. But what about your dick and balls? What about your dick and or balls? What about if you're in the small, forgotten minority that is just the ones with dicks and no balls? One or the other. Well, there's guys. We're out there. I mean, they're out there.

Oh, yeah. All balls, no dick. Some people had to choose because there was a fire. Some people, you know, came up short on rent. What are you going to do? Pawn my necklace again? No, give him that dick. That's right. You have a big gambling debt. Which digit?

Well, are we talking fingers, toes and everything in between or what? Because I could lose a ball. Look, I'm a piano player. Still place a bet or two. Don't take away my money makers. Take away my little falcon. Also, I pull into town today. I finally make it down to this town that I live in,

and I turn right, and the feed store is up in flames. It's just there's a five-alarm fire. The street's all blocked off. There's five-alarm chili. Yeah, there's five five alarm fire the streets all blocked off there's five alarm chili there's five guys burgers and fries someone had a peanut allergy so they had to come down and hit him with the ephedrine so I just returned to a world of flame

and you know what that's what it's like when you don't wear sheath brand underwear your balls live in a world of flame you can't call the fire marshal because they'll take away your kids. If they have to come to the house again because your balls are on fire, guess what? Kids are going to CPS. Everybody seems to be forgetting about their comfort.

I know I am. That's why I only wear chaps because I worry more about what I present to the world than how comfortable I am. Everyone forgot about comfort except for sheath underwear. They make underwear with two pouches. Put your dick in one pouch and your balls in the other, and everybody will live. But if you don't, I swear to God. Put your dick in one pouch and your balls in the other,

and nobody gets hurt and that was robert just walk away yeah when uh you know uh when a former army general or whatever robert patton decided to make sheath brand underwear it's because he wanted an easier way to take someone's package hostage and uh and that's what he did, because these things, I mean, the Lindbergh baby had it easier. My guys are all tied up. I like to call them Gypsy Rose, you know, because they wear a little pink hat. Hey, baby, why don't you come back to my place,

and I'll introduce you to Gypsy Rose Blanchard. She dumped that hose beast that she was married to. Yeah, that guy who was ten toes down for her as she was in prison. And then she gets out and Maxim's like, why don't you do a spread of this season's hats? And she's like you know uh shit so yeah uh it's a total game changer whether you're working in the office or hitting the track on a sunny day we know how much you guys love hitting the track you know when the sun's out you guys are like oh time for a 5k you guys don't think man maybe i can set the new fucking time challenge on Diablo.

So, yeah. I love sheath underwear. I wear them typically on the plane to keep me humble. So, I don't have to divert the thing and land it in the Grand Canyon to fit my cock in somewhere. Yeah, except for today. cocking somewhere it'll fit except for today yeah typically you're rocking sheath and you're doesn't matter that you're above uh most laws you know because you're keeping it in your pants it's a secret what's going on in there right it's no one's business between me and allah and uh this plane's not gonna land because I believe in one more.

So, yeah, whether you're a Muslim extremist or just a good old fashioned Christian guy, your dick and balls will probably fit in these pouches. But remember, if you are a Muslim extremist, Robert Patton doesn't want you wearing these things because a lot of his buddies died to keep you from wearing them. And so, yeah. That's the thing. If you're a moderate Muslim, that's fine. Robert doesn't care, okay? But if you're praying more than four times a day, you better keep your uncut cock out of these undie pouches, all right?

Because that's not why BlackRock gave him the money to develop this undie. They've got their own pouch, the uncut. They do. I don't know if they would double pouch, but it's there. My falcon wears two hoods. They're stretching fabric that scopes your body. What?

Since when? Spanx? Spanx for dudes? Yeah. they're called hanks they're called chad hanks and spandex fabric blend to keep you cool sheath will have you both looking and feeling amazing go to sheathunderwear.com and use code chubby to get 20 off your first order plus sheath underwear is 100 money back guarantee that sheathunderwear.com promo code C-H-U-B-B-Y. Get sheath underwear. Support the show. Support your balls. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Hey, are your balls cold? Suck it. Why don't you put them in your own mouth and keep them warm that way? Like a robin hiding her eggs. So yeah, I'm home for a little bit and then I'll see you in Indianapolis, huh, Becker? Or I mean London. You're flying out Friday.

Yeah, well, I might fly up to fucking Detroit on Thursday and try and buy a house. We'll see. That was already bought for you. No, dude, We put the offer in. Oh, yeah. We didn't talk. I went to bed. Is that what happened? We did the pod and then we didn't talk. Okay, yeah.

We put the offer in and someone else got the house because they decided they would waive the inspection. That's dangerous. Look, we already haven't seen this house in person, so we're not going to waive the inspection. All right. We'll play it as loose as we can. But I want to know if the pipes are made of chalk or if there's any, you know, indigenous burial mounds underneath the home.

Because I never live here so that I can charge money for people to come in and hang out. Right. Yeah. The Chet Hanks get conceived in this house? Did Joan Cusack suck her brother off for a roll in gross point blank in this house? Come on. Did she? It's what?

That really happened? No. Yeah, that's what happened back here. God. It's crazy. You don't want to know what Patricia Arquette did. What? I don't want to know. Yeah Arquette did I don't want to know don't tell me thank you

so we have you know I'm excited for your big show in Terre Haute that'll be huge yeah hopefully hopefully it's cool to sell I might pop in come down maybe i'll feature for you wouldn't that be fun don't come come on just let me have let me have a night you know i'm gonna have a night to myself without you bursting in you show up halfway through my set

loudly all eyes on you it's lun yeah you have some bit that you decide to do whoa Lund's up there does that mean I'm going on next it doesn't involve me at all you didn't clear it with me you just do it like you think you're acting like on your phone you have a reserved like a specific seat so you're trying to find this particular

seat and you're just crowd working yeah farting my sweatpants are on but there's no hood on the falcon if you know what i mean he's not asleep he's he's waiting to feed he's trying to find his seat oh fuck but yeah it'll, it'll be a time. It'll be fun. Yeah, when worlds collide.

Why wouldn't it be? And then, yeah, being together. Comedy Attic, one of the few places that I haven't been with you that's in the top whatever. I don't know where it would land. Some people's favorite. So I'm sure it's overall in the top 10, 12 places in the u.s i bet it's great they would never book to have a time until i sent in the team you know yeah and now here we are

i gotta say i am really on the edge of a toilet calamity right now so this next this next nine minutes is going to be a race against my butt. I only have to take a whiz. That's good. Because I drank my fishbowl of soda water and

some regular water as well. What is that? Looks like whiskey and soda water? That's good. Yeah, no, I came home and I ate a big can of beans. I hit the ground running at home and I ate some beans with some chili oil in it. Went to bed. Went to bed, woke up, talked to you guys. And now, my God, there is a fissure breaking underneath me. And I want to feed the devil, you know? I got scared after i told becker before you got in yesterday that uh when we were at kvon's church i was talking we made sure that nobody had left behind empty cans and then all of a sudden i'm just like oh boy you have to shit soon like you have to get get going you know No handshakes and hugs. I had to say, I have to leave now.

And I hustled to the car, and it was fucking scary. And it was one of those, it's because I had only eaten like once earlier in the day, and I had drank whatever, some water and stuff. So it was just like time. There was no timeout. There was no rain delay it was fucking no time to pull the tarp over the field you gotta get right to the dugout i understand and that's where i'm at right now but hey you know what good if i were to

accidentally dump my pants on this pod that would be what it's all been leading to you know take us into the bathroom that's the butterfly effect of the podcast. Finish on the toilet. That's what I do. Yeah, that's what you do because you've linked masturbation and pooping. You're disgusting. Not me, though. I keep them separate.

What if I wake up on the plane next time and I'm just jerking off? And there's an air marshal with a gun to my head. And he's like, stop or I'll pull the trigger. And I'm like, if you pull the trigger, I'm going to pull mine. You know? No, you know what? He has the gun to my head and then I just put my head down to my dick

and I'm like, I'll do it! I'll do it! I hold my dick right beneath my mouth and I'm like, I'll do it! I'll do it! You can do that kind of thing on a fucking plane. Especially in first class. In a dream. God, oh yeah.

This is... Don't move. Freeze. Play it safe. Uh-uh. No, no. I'm going to ride this out, man, because I'm dedicated. I'm dedicated to these people who spend their time with us.

You know, the pod right now, I don't know if you saw this, if you checked the Chartable, Becker, but we are the 73rd most popular podcast in Russia as of right now. I didn't check Russia, but that's pretty awesome. I don't know what that means, but hey, we welcome you. Yep. Okay? I'll be the dancing bear for oligarchs. I don't give a shit.

The only flag that I salute is the one called Wells Fargo, because they keep my money safe. All right? You almost went over there. That would have been crazy. Yeah, I know. I think that's probably why. Somebody knows who you are over there. Uh-huh. You are... We get a lot of downloads there. That would have been crazy. Yeah, I know. I think that's probably why. Somebody knows who you are over there. Uh-huh.

You are. We get a lot of downloads there. Excuse me. Yeah. You are some talent, no? From Chubby Behemoth. It's like third or fourth highest. The Behemoth.

Yeah, I don't know why. I think it's because Snowden and I are pen pals. I probably shouldn't say that. But I've been writing to Eddie. Yeah. I probably shouldn't say that, but I've been writing to Eddie. I actually send him Archie comics because that's all it keeps him saying. I would never commit treason unless you gave me a good reason.

Unless Wells Fargo was in the mix. Yeah, WF, protect them at all costs. Becker, what do you know about hash pills? Have you heard of these? I do know about hash pills. What kind of hash? I don't know, but some guy dropped me four of these little hash pills. And they're blue, not because they're fentanyl, but because they were in my blueberry ice cream snooze container here.

But yeah, I don't know. I want to eat one, but I'm scared that I'm being poisoned. No, it's just heat activated already, and they're good to go. It's just like easier than an edible because you don't have to consume calories with it. I am worried about that. You don't have to fatten your system for it to work. I don't want to go full Greg the Hammer Valentine. But I prefer the hash suppositories.

I'll bet you do. I bet you do. Because it's sit on it, Potsy. Yeah, if you want to be real high, sit on it, Potsy, for sure. You're shoving weed up your ass. Yeah. That's how far you've fallen? Yeah.

He's our own little baby reindeer. I don't do it all the time or recreationally, but if you're really sick and just want to sleep the day away, a weed suppository is a quick way to fucking just call it a day. And is this because your mouth is full of Pop-Tarts and gravy so you can't fit any more weed in there? So you have to use your forbidden mouth. Yeah, dude. God's

secret tongue, as you call it. Yeah, and you don't it doesn't go through the liver, you don't process it the same, so it's just smacking your system high. So if you're having Goes through your butt. Yeah, they invented them for people with like cancer and then they do like a lighter version. Their mouths

were sewn shut. Yeah. Yeah, I know. People. They give them vaginal suppositories. That's what you use. I have used a vaginal one. It's the same thing. It's just not as strong.

Man. You're saying women aren't strong enough to get high like men? No, the dose is just 40 milligrams lower for some reason. I think it's so like a woman with ph balance like still go to work whereas like the butt pills like see you tomorrow yeah they're like i gotta get to the fucking roller rink i gotta i gotta eat i gotta fucking shove my pussy packer so i can get out there remember when they tried to bring back roller derby in like the late 90s oh it's it's bad no no it was on spike tv spike tv yeah yeah and they would do back body drops and shit they were doing like gorilla press slams and probably canadian

destroyers too because that was just the time everybody was was. That's right. I'm going to do a Colorado Destroyer on my toilet in exactly two minutes and ten seconds. How far away are you from a toilet? Well, that's the thing. I like to think I'm an optimist, so I'm just surrounded by toilets. Optimus. So I'm just surrounded by toilets. You're in the basement, which is the toilet of the house.

That's right. So that's, you got that working for you. I've been calling the anus, the foot of the butt. That's been, yeah, cause it stinks. Like the ninjas?

It's the foot of the butt. Shout out to Jordan Rust and the rest of the Funky Bunch who came out this weekend. You know what I want to do? And I'm sure that you guys are going to roll your eyes and, Lund, you're going to throw up all over your dog. I think it's November now. Whenever we're in Philadelphia, I want to do a little we're in Philadelphia I want to do a little chub fest, I want to do a little meetup somewhere, I want to do a full on chubby behemoth festival

but I think we gotta start slow and Lund, I'm gonna let you plan the whole thing yeah I'll bet that's a cool collab you think of a thing that's gonna take a bunch of work and then dust your hands off and go lay down in some apples and worms.

How much work do you think it's going to be to say, hey, we're going to be at this place. This is where you're all staying. These are the hours you're allowed to see Becker. He'll be in the cage until sunset. Anyway. Just picking a place is is most of it i would suppose your house hosting so that's cool your house lund yeah come on down to trinidad yeah y'all take the train oh that'd be fun if we did a train meetup. You know where you guys can see us every week is on patreon.com slash showybehemoth. Go on over there. Join

up. You've been conscripted into the army of the undead. And also you can see me and Lund in Bloomington, Indiana this weekend. And then in Providence next weekend. And then, hey, Eugene. Shout out to Seth Milstein up there in Eugene. We had

two shows sold out on Thursday, May 9th. And instead of just being happy with that, they've decided to, quote, unquote, open up the big room. So now neither of the shows are sold out, and we've got another 100 tickets to sell. There we go. Hey, come on. Let's do it. Eugene, come see us. Descend.

And then Seattle. Descend from the hill. We'll be in Seattle. SamTalent.com has all the dates you need. And I have a date with destiny right now. With the devil. Yeah, so you guys wrap it up. Bye, everybody.

I have to do it. We're good. Adios. So long, friend. Bye.