Chubby Behemoth - Took The Chevelle Route

Episode Date: March 5, 2024

SPONSOR: Support the show and get 20% off at https://www.manscapped.com with the code Chubby  BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week the boys are joined by sams childhood friend Nick Salazar. They talk about Elizabeth CO and how much Sam enjoys nicks child’s name. The fellas share concert stories. Nick tells us about bad kids camp, his silly outfits, and his night of notables experience. Some responding officers have game. A new bathtub move is revealed.     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

Hello, everybody. It's America's most slept on podcast, Chubby Behemoth. Recently ousted from a tournament in the first round. Yeah, we lost to the bonfire in the tournament of podcasts. A podcast that no longer exists. And also is not as good. I was about to say very bad ever since Dan Soder walked away. It was just nice to be included, honestly.

And then people defended us. That felt good. Yeah, I like that. Thanks, Chubby Chasers. We were invited to the table, and I appreciate that. We are here in an undisclosed location in the Arizona desert. An air bed and breakfast is the most information you're going to get out of us. The air was good.

The beds were fine. The breakfast, not that great. Just bananas to get out of us. The air was good. The beds were fine. The breakfast, not that great. Just bananas. A lot of bananas. There was a gentleman staying here who ate an entire gallon of yogurt right away upon waking up. And that upset us. But I just want to say real quick, I used to have a podcast Lund it's called Shining

people liked it people loved it they were freaks and Shining ended and we will not be releasing those tapes anytime soon because David and I both have budding careers in show business but one of our favorite beloved guests

on that show was an old childhood friend of mine a bit of a drifter a bit of a cad he's been all over upside down torn out the frame and put back in my old buddy nick salazar how you guys doing good man thanks for joining us yeah thanks for having me uh are you ready to take the chubby behemoth challenge you have have to fuck a pig, shit in a bowl, make the pig eat the shit in under two minutes. I mean, I'm from Elizabeth, Colorado

and so we call that breakfast. Emmy listened to the episode accidentally. She listened to the Sophie episode and then it kept going and the next episode was the one where one of us i don't want to say uh might have abused himself into a sink uh at the spurs arena where wimba nyama washes his little face that's right and she was like is this what you do on the pod you just talk

about jerking off into sinks you this is disgusting and i was like well as we always say turn it off bitch why were you listening in the first place what is the matter with it's not for you yeah you knew what this was the whole time baby it's for guys who jack in their trucks i actually had a dream about a former classmate of ours uh and it motivated me to uh commit the sin of Onan. I don't want to give it away. I'll try and blind item it to you. Her name started with an A and her last name was a direction.

Don't say the name if you do the math. In our grade. Our grade. Had huge ones. I know who you're talking about. Had frog crushers. Last name if you're talking about. Had frog crushers. Last name, if you're from Denver, is the Mountain. Easy.

All right. Okay. Trying to do it as a blind item. Yes. But yeah, Salazar's here. Also, we're joined to the left by Spencer DeMolke, the pride of Cincinnati. Cincinnati comics, they're bullies.

They're tyrants. And he was nervous about ordering a sandwich without tomatoes because we were going to make fun of him. So glad to have you here, Spencer. But we didn't. We supported him. I get it. Not everyone loves Deadly Nightshade.

It's not a big deal. But you're over there in that midget rodeo that you guys run. You're just whipping each other. It's tough. But Salazar, we're glad to have you on the pod. You've come a long way. I've known you since you were a wee boy. My father liked you.

I love your father. Dave T., big fan of you. He's still alive. You're still alive, so I feel like those feelings are still valid. He always liked you before he passed away. No, he's still valid. He always liked you before he passed away. No, he's still around. He's still thriving.

He liked you when you all lived in Elizabeth, is what you're saying. But he loved Sally. I love Sally. We had several good hangs when you were still in Colorado. I feel like it's not just Colorado. i'm i'm a gypsy

as sam was saying and i would never say that i would say zygonist and you guys have been on the road for your 10 years or something so i feel like we just meet each other in random places in random cities and so that's that's the best part i think about our hangs we're a lot like bull riders in that way. Something that I know very much about as well. We're very similar to bull riders. And then we're out there chasing this crazy dream despite it abbreviating our lives due to all the travel and physical violence.

Ours is more brain trauma. Who did we hang out with that you grew up with? Brad Lewis. No, we hung out with Clay Rader in Oklahoma. Oh, you did? Yeah, we did a show on a comic book and clay and his mom jonna joanna yeah i think it's jonna i think it's yeah oh jonna came and uh and clay and his friends his bull rider friends just hung out and we drank a million three two beers and we just talked about how our lives are like very similar to rodeo dudes

because you're always on the road yeah always on the road the travel the buckle bunnies the the the fraternity yes the chuckle chuckle fuckers in the comedy world yeah the what did you what do you call them buckle buddies buckle bunnies yeah it's all about the seconds i want to be the rodeo clown in the corner. Yeah, you want to be in the barrel. This way. This way. Kill me. Not the star.

That's their whole job. I know. It's crazy. Kill me instead. We had a friend whose older brother was a rodeo clown. Yeah. Bullfighter. He was good too.

He was really good. And then he made a decision. Yeah. And it was in the moment it made sense. And we lost him. Yeah, sad day. I was in a bad kid's camp when that happened. Oh, yeah. I didn't get to attend any of the services or any of that stuff.

Yeah. I went, dude, it was at the Kiowa Fairgrounds. Really? Yeah. And we got there and they had a big like uh what's the bagpipe guy yeah yeah yeah because they were into that kind of shit and my grandpa goes up to jeff and like holds him and i see my grandpa's crying and jeff is crying and my dad goes up he's crying too gives him a big hug and i walk up to jeff and i go how you doing jeff yeah i know your son died yeah that was sad why didn't you hug him

I don't I don't know he was a man you know I didn't know he was a little boy gotcha one of my best friends

older brother just passed away and it was my grandpa was crying there was a bagpipe guy on the horizon there was no room in my brain

to wire it all together yeah yeah also I can't imagine hugging I can becker i don't know the last name i know i know you did i know you did because he like he was there for you you were i mean you had you had quite the early situation and you rose out of it well i

put myself back into it a few times too yeah you Yeah. You've told us a lot of stories today, just offhandedly, about you crashing into Long John Silver's and eating too much molly to quit giving away pizzas at music festivals. Yeah, for sure. I've lived a very full life. Yeah. Yeah. It's just nice to see you. Yeah, man. It's nice to be doing well.

It's different. You know what I mean? Yeah. A little stability. Because I'm still stability heathen at heart you know what i mean oh yeah you're a wild wild side you're a fucking pirate dude yeah i can burn it all down right now start over go east yeah you just have a bunch of passports and a gun safe different names you guys are reading my mind yeah that's funny how uh so many people like i am grateful for my ability to embrace or enjoy boredom because it's stability but there is some part of a lot of people's brains where you just it feels like you're fucking up when things are going well because if it's if it's steady it can be boring it can feel like you could be getting more

excitement if you switched it up you know and some people do that constantly and so i hope that you are able to enjoy like slowing down i try to man but honestly like i live in the chaos and so i just like even when we're doing well i'm pushing us on the point of doing well like i'm in the craziest situations all the time like as a business owner or whatever it well. I'm in the craziest situations all the time, like as a business owner or whatever it is. I'm in the jungles with my three-year-old, and there's an AT&T terror attack, and we have no service and have no idea where the fuck we are.

It's like, whatever. And your son, your name is Nick, and your son's name is? Nixon. Your son is named Nick's son, which really tickles me whenever I think about it. I told my dad and he went, no fucking way. It's so funny because so many people don't pick up on that. And you heard it and it's right away gone.

I think they're giving you the benefit of the doubt that you're not such a psychopath that you would name your son Nick's son, just in case he forgot. Is it with an X? Yeah, it's with an X. My wife wouldn't let me do the S-O-N. There's no way. Thank God for her.

An apostrophe. She keeps me in check. Also, you guys did a great job in the green room last night because I wanted to kill most of the people who came in there. Yeah, there were some odd ones in there last night. It was tough, man. I like the dudes, but it's just like after two shows. It's been a bit of

a weekend, all right? We're sharing a room the first night with Pat Richardson, my beloved. He's my Nick's son. His name should be Pat, Sam's son. Because, you know, I make sure I flip him over on his belly, I change his diaper, keep the rashes away.

Help him with his shapes. He's tough with the shapes. Make sure you put a CPAP on him. Dude, I would. If there's anyone out there who has an old CPAP because your husband died, please. P.O. Box 1466, Elizabeth, Colorado. I'll pay for shipping because this guy needs to be saved. He doesn't snore.

He wanted me to make sure that you didn't talk about him snoring because it's not true yeah well it isn't snoring it's uh the death rattle of a demigod fallen from valhalla it's really bad dude i know he hates me talking about it but i don't see i'm the snorer in my family so i don't get woken up by snorers ever because it's usually me who's there's no way that you snore as loud as allegedly pat richardson does no no no i definitely because he has this cavernous tum tum that it reverberates like a timpani drum and then i wake up screaming pat shut the fuck up shut the fuck up pat pat pillow angle pat angle and it's not fair to him because he's coaching him i am in his sleep even i'm trying to impart wisdom but uh i did not sleep sleep at all that night and then I had to wake up at 7.30 to go to radio.

Your favorite. I used all your talking points that you've taught me about Chevelle and I fit in. Nine albums. I code switched nine albums, big guitars, what's not to like? Did you talk about them being brothers?

They're all brothers. Chevelle? Yeah. Wait, you know about Chevelle? So check this. When I was in the seventh grade, Mark Toll took me and and zach toll to a concert uh to see the guys who filter right and the very first mark told my lawyer was like boys

we're going to see filter hey man nice shot and you don't have to tell him yeah and so yeah he took us there and the very first band that played, everybody moved to the back of the room at the Ogden Theater because it was so loud. And their equipment was turned way up. And the lead singer is the youngest brother, and he screamed, I just dropped out of high school. You all should fucking do it. Follow your fucking dreams.

And Mark Toll looked at us and said, don't fucking do that. Don't listen to Chevelle. That's funny.'s funny lo and behold i dropped out of high school he went the chevelle route yeah he listened yeah i listened i took their advice i wonder so that was like early 2000s yeah 90s late 90s late yeah they were real new then yeah that's cool one of their first tours i I love that Ogden Theater. I saw the Used, their first show on the road in the Ogden opening up for Real Big Fish. And that guy Bart did the thing where he threw up to start the first song. Sick. The lead singer.

He threw up all over the stage. And then, Bert. Bert McCracken. Yeah, the Used. Yeah. And I was like, this band rules. And they kind of buried Goldfinger. As impossible as that sounds

dearly used better than goldfinger they went hard yeah the use went hard i never saw him but uh burt would climb stuff and yeah hurt cut himself i think he was pretty hardcore yeah ex-mormon i think so he had some shit to work through kind of like they were screamo before anyone else was screamo oh man that was my shit dude punk rock and screamo yeah did you like blood brothers not as much as you i loved blood not as much as you i used to if you guys don't know this sam is an excellent drummer and i used to just make sam play the drums for me i would just sit and listen like a like a three-year-old kid astounded as daddy or something well yeah man you would like drift in and out of our lives you know like you were around we played football together on my dad's team number one guys yeah

fucking kodiaks undefeated for three years in a row except for that elbert debacle wow i don't want to talk that was some home cooking you ever when jordan berry got in trouble yeah i do when was jordan berry not getting in trouble on the football field yeah dude there was there was one black kid who played in the entire uh optimist league football and jordan he had a very awkward stance which was like crouched with like one hand but like kind of like a catcher on the defensive line not the forward and jordan berry said that kid had you guys he looks like a monkey out there. Oh, I thought you weren't going to drop the animal.

Well, and the referee's like, what the fuck? Get out of here. And they didn't want to. You're lucky the green team's not here. I mean, the green team. You remember the coach? Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. the green team you remember the coach of course yeah yeah uh so yeah jordan berry but yeah you

would like be around and then you'd be gone then you'd be back then you'd be around because you were being sent away to fucking outward bound camps yeah it was called the last resort last resort yeah papa roach summer camp yeah i was I wish, dude. I fucking wish. I was actually the only kid to ever be in this camp who didn't have a court order. I was a single-handedly. Why was that? Because I moved in with a really old woman who was career military. And she wanted me to call her major cartwright or mom after my mom had passed and i refused to

right right so i so i ended up in a bad kids camp over it uh with a bunch of like you know people who tried to kill their mothers or you know got caught selling that's where you draw the line yeah yeah got caught selling crack at school or some dumb shit right and so i i fucking was like top of the camp right and so i was the eagle scout of the last resort well there's that documentary on netflix about that camp and i watched it the whole time i was like wait was this the one sally went to i was like pausing it to see if you were in the background but that wasn't the one no it's crazy though i actually had a friend visit me zach Zach Toll came and saw me. His mom drove him all the way up there.

Zach Toll, who directed both my comedy specials. Yeah, your lawyer's son. That's right. Came up and saw me at the Bad Kids camp, and it was cool. I came back from that a lot angrier. You know what I mean? Yeah, and you weren't angry before that.

Well, I mean, you know what? You were furious. I was furious,rier you know what i mean yeah you weren't angry before that yeah well i mean you know what you were furious i was furious but you know what spending all this time with these kids who were trying me and then you realized all these kids who you thought were tough aren't tough right yeah then i came back with this mentality like i'm gonna fucking dominate elizabeth colorado yeah that same experience you wait till they get a load of me. I got these scars. Damn. Yeah. Yeah.

And you always had, you had like money. So you would like buy hilarious Hollister outfits and have like a flag, a bandana flag coming out of one of your pockets. I mean, I was selling weed early dude. And I was, I was, I had got a job at 13 washing dishes and golf carts.

And I sold weed on the side. So I always had some money. I got like 500 bucks social security for my mom's death. And that was like it. And I would use that to pay for a room once I ran away. But yeah, the clothes I was always stealing. I was stealing the clothes for sure. You were a little Latino American Eagle model in Elizabeth and you had like you had the fucking hair and

everything that's why i'm so whitewashed you know what i mean like uh i grew up believing i was white because of elizabeth albert county yeah it'll fuck you up isn't it nicholas alejandro salazar yeah how did i how could I believe that? Nas. Nas. Nas, dude. He was the greatest rapper alive. Pretty cool. In white jeans and flip-flops. Did you have a car real early?

I got one at 18. I bought one when I was 18. I couldn't get a license until I was 18 because I was out on my own. You would often drive us around. Yeah, I mean, I also used to drive other people's cars without a license all the time i drove to california when i was 15 you were not a license that's insane were you trying to find dan lancaster i went to go see reed hollandsby you remember when they found dan lan he was on the beach on the beach tore out the whole ceiling

of his car and his car was just like you couldn't it was like grains of sand like four inches deep of cigarette butts it was so weird because like in a night a switch flipped and weed and he uh dude that switch just flipped in him and he could have a normal conversation to where he would be the only thing he could ask you for was 50 cents for a donut. 35 cents or whatever they were. And he was an all-state athlete, basketball, great family. And then that weed broke his brain, and he went from being like... I don't know if it was the weed, man. Don't put it on the weed. No, the weed unlocked his latent schizophrenia is what Katie told me.

There's nothing wrong with weed, guys. It's for you. But I think I have heard about that. It can accelerate or bring on something that maybe would have happened later. Right. Because I think most people with schizophrenia maybe experience it in their 20s, but you can have it happen sooner if you mess around with drugs. It brought out the opposite in me, man.

I started smoking in the sixth grade. Night of the Notables was my first night. Really? Tell sixth grade night of the notables was my first night tell them what night of those was i'm sure everyone had a school experience where they had did this no not the weed part but they had like they did the costume do you remember who i was for night of the notable i remember jr because he won he was like king louis or something he won best costume yeah i won best speech and i know that because I traded with Jordan Berry. I had Charlie Chaplin. Night of the Notables was this thing where you were assigned

a famous person in history. Then you had to do a presentation as that person in full costume. Write a speech about their life. We did the whole quarter. Every subject about your character. I had Charlie Chaplin initially but Jordan Berry wanted it. Jordan was like, will you trade with me? Jordan Berry had Bill Cosby. So I was Cosbyplin initially, but Jordan Berry wanted it. And Jordan was like, well, you trade with me.

And Jordan Berry had Bill Cosby. So I was Cosby. Jello thing. Joe Daco. Joe Daco. Joe Daco, yeah. We talked about that, I think, at some point. I think so, yeah.

But there was a big debate whether or not I should do blackface or not in the kitchen of my parental home. My dad was like holding shoe polish. My mom was like, absolutely not. My mom was like, absolutely not. My dad was like, come on, we want him to win. He's put so much work into it. You got high that night?

Yeah, that was the first night I ever got high. With who? Jordan Berry. Yeah, that's the first person I got high with too.

Jordan and Reed in that car that was parked in front of the house. Yeah. The Jimmy or the, it was some kind of SUV that they had. I just remember the truck that his dad drove,

and he drove everyone to the mountains and got in trouble. Nobody's kids are allowed to go over there anymore. After he drove 200 miles with everyone's kids in the back of the truck to the top of the Rocky Mountains. Yeah, I remember Chris Berry would come out and be like, Reed, I know what you guys are doing in

the truck i know what you're doing i'm not it's not all a stone joke and reed would be like shut the fuck up you old bitch i was like sick in sixth grade like ah you can't talk to your dad that way i love reed berry he has the whitest teeth i have ever seen in my entire life they're white though dude like it's amazing bonzo walked in on reed banging his then girlfriend that's right and i remember response was brutal yeah that's when you guys all incorporated brutal into the lexicon i'm sure that's so perfect oh man what a nice guy dude i forgot about bonzo trying to hump matt kobos until you you mentioned it a few days ago and i was at your house in fort collins after a big party

yeah that was yeah pat has a podcast with this kid matt kobos yeah and kobos was asleep in a chair and somehow bonzo had been asleep in a different part of the house but he woke up to Bonzo on him, humping him aggressively and he was like, whoa Bonzo, it's me Kobos and Bonzo was like, shut up. He was sleep humping. Sleep humping. He's horny in his sleep.

That was like last year. It was a couple years ago. It was pretty oven. It was a couple years ago. Make yourself at home. Yeah, definitely move some more chairs around. Yeah, the Barry boys. They're okay now.

London's always like, he can't fathom Elizabeth because of all the people that have passed away you know is it the past away or the stories because like i constantly being told like that's not real and i'm like you want me to call six people right now to tell you and they'll tell you the story from their point of view and it will be exactly like this right it was all of it yeah just the the number of crazy stories characters how many of them died young and how you know because it wasn't all just like od or suicide the amount of teenage drug abuse just crazy crazy shit like small town stuff but not every small town has that amount of like tragedy or crazy shit going on so it was just a lot yeah there's mushrooms in other

people's high school it was a lot like yeah things it happened to albert county kids when they're on mushrooms compared to the denver east kids are completely different you know what i mean well you had that like in high school you had a house in like albert or something yeah it was i throw parties that's what i was thinking of you didn't have a car. You had a place. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like my mom passed when I was like eight. Do you ever discuss that? Yeah, all the time. I mean, I talk about it every day of my life. I don't want to bring up anything bad.

No, no, no. It's actually all out. So my stepdad killed my mom when I was an eight-year-old. And my real dad wasn't in play because my stepdad was a cop. Yeah. And my mom was on the run from my drug dealer father who has like 30 kids, right? Whoa. And he found us in this small town.

We were held up in this house. Was it Kiowa? Yeah, Kiowa. And the task force saved us. And one of the responding officers ended up asking my mom you know in her moment of weakness you know with all this shit she's got going on on a date and she went with him um yikes yeah she had a he was way old that was the weird part he had already had a family two of his daughters were on the police force with him and he had like a son his other daughter he had four kids already and his his other daughter was married to the

county coroner's parents and he had a another baby with my mom and it was like one years old when she died and like i went into foster care all the kids got separated that were my mom's except for me and one for a little bit i ran away from the foster place when i was like 15 I ran away from the foster place when I was like 15. And then when I was like 18 or 17, I met this guy in a quick lube. And I used to sell weed to all my friends at the quick lube. Was this like a massage parlor? No, the quick lube was like the Jiffy Lube.

You know, the Jiffy Lube. I'm trying to bring a little levity to this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, for sure. I was getting jerked off with this dude. Yeah, so I meet this dude, and he says something about he thinks that his dad killed his second wife. And I realized he was my stepbrother, right? And so I start hanging around the quick lube. And this guy, we'd get him high, trying to get him information.

He would just cry all the time about his wife that was leaving him and not talk about any of that shit and he ended up hanging himself oh geez man funeral was on my name was mr cooper which was his funeral was on my 18th birthday and i'd been looking for my little brother for 10 years you know and so on my 18th birthday i went to the this dude's funeral and found my little brother at the funeral and yeah it was crazy and then didn't your didn't your stepdad get away with it too because he was a cop yeah so like all his daughters all handled the evidence and all the evidence was inadmissible by court you know what i mean the other daughter was married to the county corner son so he got her to sign off fraudulently on some insurance paperwork and took all the funds and took my little brother and dipped my little brother he got married a second

time another third time after my mom and that wife left in the middle of the night and my little brother thought until he had met me that that was his real mom that just walked out in the middle of the night and he said hey i never told you this but your real mother died you have three other brothers i know this is a weird day and you just lost gary but here is your brother i want to introduce you because i ran into the stepdad at the funeral and he was like i know why you're here he's like do you want me to take you to see him and i was like yes he's like just don't cause a scene or anything and so for the next seven years i had to call that guy's phone to talk to my little brother because he's

only 11 years old at the time yeah so he was 18 so i spent seven years calling the guy that was accused of killing my mother you know to talk to my little brother not optimal yeah and so like i i was kind of weird about sharing the story around that time when i had reconnected with my brother yeah because i didn't want him to find out well any of the information bro i didn't know about it and then remember when you fucking broke my knee in sixth grade yeah yes we're playing like touch football and salazar like got me from behind and i tore out some shit in my knee and i remember being like you know all upset because i had to wear a cast and whatever and i I told my dad one time, we were driving to some doctor's appointment. I was like, fucking Nick, dude.

He's such a dickhead. And my dad was like, you have no idea what that young man has endured. I didn't know. We didn't know. In my defense, I remember that day very clearly. I cried because I hurt you. I didn't think I was going to hurt you that bad. No, we were homies.

I was mad hurt you. I didn't think I was going to hurt you that bad. No, we were homies. I was mad at you. You were bouncing a football in the air saying, get it, and you had your other hand on my forehead because I was like five foot tall. You were 6'3", in like the sixth grade. No, my move when we would play touch football, my move would be. I'm not down. I would throw the ball in the air. Yeah, I would throw the ball in the air when people went to touch me, and I would keep running and catching.

Yeah, we were arguing about how you did that. Yeah, because I don't have the ball. How can I be touched? So you're a cheater and a bully. Yeah, he would throw the ball in the air when people went to touch me, and I would keep running and catching. Yeah, we were arguing about how you did that. Yeah, because I don't have the ball. How can I be touched? So you're a cheater and a bully, and Nick was a dickhead for taking you out. Everybody cheered, I'm sure. Nick, Nick, Nick. The king is dead. Yeah, they had free Nick candles held up the next day.

The king is dead. Finally, we can be free. That wasn't even the worst touch football scam that people would run. Zach Toll would run the fake kick. Oh, it was so good. Yeah, where it would be a kickoff, and he would run up and onside do himself. It's like, it went 10 yards. I remember that pissing me off. Oh, yeah.

I remember a little bit of that squabbling. I think we ended up having some shit put in place, rules so that you couldn't do dumb shit. Because the alternative was like, if you say you're going to punt, you'd have to have some people up for trickery. And it's like, this is bullshit. There's like five of us.

So we can't. It's not as fun. So just fucking actually punt it. Well, what else are we going to do, too, during this time period? Go play soccer? No remember who we're straight and white well just you you don't know this sam's actually hispanic oh he loves to tell everybody don't let them know yeah i'm a quarter mexican um yeah you actually used to send me in when the soccer guys were

playing and say nick go kick their ball over the fence so we can get the field and nobody wanted to do it and i said all right i'll fucking do it you were fast you get away i couldn't get away from the soccer boys yeah do you remember when i got in trouble in high school i don't know if you're still in school but i did morning announcements and i got in trouble for like saying uh it was pretty much uh oh there's a boy's soccer game tonight who cares i was like i think i said it was for girl i don't know but mr blackham sat me down and he's like you can no longer be trusted to do morning announcements and i was so pissed yeah that was it i was gone by that time i was gone by that time i was in my own little home because i ran away at like 15 and then i lived with my friend one of our one i was more my friend

than yours uh and his family fell apart during that time who was it brad brock brock yeah yeah and uh his one of the like he had an old he got caught cheating on his wife. They broke the neighbor's back, him and his oldest son. They just beat the shit out of him and all this crazy shit. So I was like, I got to get out of here. And I found a bunch of bull riders who were like, there's a room open at this old lady's house. And she was the director of the biological resources department at the Jewish Medical Center at the time.

And she was 52. She wanted me to bang her. I was like eye candy to her. She used to tell nobody can pass this red tape except Nick. It was like in this house. She would let me have parties, have friends over. But she was real weird and protective of me. She would tell me about the dreams she had of me.

She would kiss the back of my neck and stuff. Damn. I thought you were banging her for sure no i mean i might have let her on because i needed a place to live and i was like 16 and i was like this sleazy old bitch but well you know what the key to banging an old woman is it's being properly groomed downstairs now there's one great or her just in general groom her up get rid of that tumbleweed. She was grooming you. You could have been grooming yourself with Manscaped. Let's check in on those resolutions you made back in January. You may not have lost those 10 pounds yet, and you never will.

But you can at least keep your balls trimmed, you son of a bitch. I think you back off it a little bit. You don't know. I don't know. It's never too late to level up your grooming and manscaped is here to help they have a brand new lawnmower 5.0 ultra it has two skin safe blade heads one for taking a little off the top and a new foil blade for a super smooth shave it's like having a personal stylist at your fingertips that was hypnotized to not know that they were being kept as a shave slave.

Yeah. So I was there. I assume that you've haven't had a pube since you got your first one. I'm a hairy dude. Have you seen how hairy my ass is? I know how hairy you are, but I always thought I just imagine you standing in front of the mirror, like dancing around,

shaving your pube. I mean, my dick shaved, my dick shaved for sure. That's good. That's good. So it matches your head. Oh yeah. You know, put your pubes. I mean, my dick's shaved. I'm so smooth. For sure. That's good. That's good. It matches your head. Oh, yeah.

You know, it all fell out. Ah, put it back on. I got married and had a kid, and it all fell out. You had such good hair, too. I use the Manscaped device. I've never shorn my batch. Why not? Because I don't want Emmy to get fucking used to anything.

So it's just full on? Oh yeah. That's not what Manscaped wants to hear. I'm just saying that I use it on my face. I love to use their trimming products on my face because it gives me a nice shade with a little bit of stubble. You know? A little grizzle. A little bit of grizzle, yeah. I look like George Clooney.

That's what my wife says. No she doesn't. She says I look like George Wendt. But yeah, I love Manscaped products because they're not just for your balls anymore. Manscaped's the shit. Manscaped's great. If you're looking for the full experience, grab Manscaped's Performance Package 5.0. You'll get the lawnmower, an ear and nose hair trimmer, and essential aftercare products to keep you looking and smelling incredible. I feel like aftercare is not the best thing to call those products because it's

something you'd use on a severe burn. Yeah, but it's not a severe burn. It's a nice smooth shave. And then you get some balm or some nice smelling lotion to keep everything less of a mess down there. To use after it's all smooth. Right, to care for it afterwards. I get it now. I spoke too soon. Aftercare, Sam. I'm a fool. I'm not a mess down there. To use after it's all smooth. Right, to care for it afterward. I get it now.

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No, you don't. Everything down there is a nightmare. You should check it out. I feel bad for Emily. It's nuts. You don't touch it. You just leave it alone. One time I did, and I got very itchy.

God forbid. So I tried to use a lighter after that. I just burnt off my pubes for a while. Manscaped lighters. And, yeah. It looked like a creme brulee. It did. What's up, Pat?

Checking in. Pat's hard in the lab working on Wide World. Episode 2. Are we 30-something minutes? I can't read it. Yeah, we're 35. Salazar was actually the wheel man for a night where someone destroyed one of our friend's houses. Yeah, it're 35. Salazar was actually the wheel man for a night where someone destroyed one of our friend's houses.

Yeah, it was crazy. Allegedly. Allegedly destroyed someone's house. I believe somebody broke in. I think that it was a team of ninjas. For real. I think there was a smear campaign to keep me from going on to Harvard.

Yeah, Sam did not fall asleep in a bathtub. No, he did not. And destroy an entire house. No. Oh, God. From the second floor. You're doing the inch of water and farting into the tub.

On the second floor. I don't remember it, dude. I was completely blackout drunk. Damn. It was graduation night, I think. No. Yeah. No.

We were at Chase Stover's house. It was close to graduation, but it wasn't graduation night. We were at Chase Stover's house. It was close to graduation, but it wasn't graduation night. We were at Chase's house, and I started the night by drinking an entire bottle of Jack Daniels. We went to Arapahoe at some point. We were trying to get into these hotels.

You said there was a hotel party, and there wasn't. It's all very murky. You lied. I don't know. Maybe when we show up, there will be one. That's the kind of thinking you have to deal with with him. I something to be true so maybe it'll just happen i just saw sam banging on people's hotel windows like where's the party we're all black no lights on like you know trying to get into a party that was not like they're gonna call the cops dude we gotta get out of here yeah get in the car i think i was covered in vomit somebody projectile vomited in in my car

actually well that wasn't allegedly i saw that i saw it because you weren't in the front seat you were in the back seat and i watched it spew all around the guy's head in the front seat all over the my it hit my dash in my front windshield and i was like we got like mcdonald's i think and you guys gave me double cheeseburgers and i ate two of them without chewing and then just right by Jance's head. Yeah, and we took my car to the cleaners and they said, fuck no, we're not cleaning this. Whoever did this has

to do this. Jancecock got schizophrenia because of your vomiting on him. That was his trigger. You were his, yeah. His triggering event. It was me, Jancecock, and Pat Sutton. And you. I've Sikot, and Pat Sutton, and you. I've got a good story about Pat Sutton. Just a weird crew.

What's the story? Well, remember earlier I was talking about how crazy things happen when Elbert County people eat drugs. One time, all of our friends bought mushrooms, and we all bought quarters. And Pat ate these, and we were all having a good trip, and Pat was not. He kept telling everyone, I think I'm dying.

And it's the only words he would say is, I think I'm dying for like four hours. He stressed us the fuck out. We told him he was stressing us out, and he left for like three hours. We didn't know where he was. But when he came back, he was still saying, I think I'm dying.

And so another one of our friends came over and bought a quarter of mushrooms off of us and her name is jackie gill and we asked her to take pat with her and she we told her not to eat the mushrooms though before she left and she because they were strong and she didn't believe us and she did and she hit an ambulance head on uh while her and Pat were tripping. And in that time period where Pat was gone for those three hours when we told him he was fucking our high up, we found out that Pat went out the front door to smoke and thought he came back into our apartment. And one of the neighbors said, this kid came into our house and said, I think I'm dying.

Do you know him? He wouldn't leave our house we actually had to physically push him out the door after like an hour of him being there yeah fuck yeah pat pat grew up next door to clay to han who was my best friend growing up and we got him in trouble early and often it wasn't fair uh one night he was our son i was his mother and you were his father that's right yeah remember the knolls yeah yeah so they had a party and uh waymire was there and he jumped off the porch when the cops came in like that is all in the kitchen he hurt his foot no but i jumped off the porch too like followed him and then went from what is that on 21 yeah i walked all the way i ran into the woods and i walked all the way from there to my parents house all the way to yeah

but that night jan sicoc and pat also got away but they were scared they didn't know what to do because if they went back to pat's house all late stoned and drunk they get in trouble so they stayed in clay to hon's greenhouse overnight when they woke up they were hugging each other and they're covered in frost because they oh yeah they were they were they were renegades those kids and they were smoking fake weed all night too that fake weed was around i'm so glad that is not a thing anymore. That spice shit. It was called like wizard's pouch back in the day. And you ordered it from like the back of high times. Yeah,

exactly. Yeah. There is still a lot of weird synthetic weed, but you're saying that particular one was real harsh. Yeah. All the spice and all that shit. They still do synthetic weeds. They do.

It's big in jail. Really? No, but like, don't we've heard about like, I thought that was dying out now to now but like more recently there's like where is this like mississippi or some th or thn or something yeah there's other or cba right there's the hca right is the thing and that's not as crazy i don't

think no because that's not just sprayed with research chemicals like spice was it would just be like lawn clippings later buddy um yeah so wait after i was in high school and i would call you and your little sister would answer and be like what the fuck do you want who the fuck is this i'd be like hey jesse it's sam like oh hey sam where's nick where were you like because you were back in elizabeth we were smoking a lot of schwag out of your gigantic fucking what's the name of that no i think you had moved downtown i stayed on your couch for a little bit at the grove in her arms apartments right yeah the oldest apartment building in denver uh you jan siccock justin anderson just us smoking bongs my landlord did not know what to do um yeah where the hell were you for a while oh so i always sold weed and then i realized that

you know i could do more with it and so i got really heavily invested into selling weed i guess you were an entrepreneur yeah i was an entrepreneur and entrepreneur. And so, you know, I used to move, you know, a hundred pounds at a time. I had a personal cab driver, um, until I got caught with 95 pounds in 2010. Yeah. And it was after I was 21. Yeah. In 2010, I got caught. Homeland Security held me for a while on the seventh floor of what was then the Lon Gardner building. They named a building after our friend's dad was also named Lon Gardner, and he was the head of the Secret Service. I didn't know that. And so it was really weird being in that building because I, you know what I mean, for me. Lon's dad was the head of the secret service of the West coast. Whoa.

Yeah. That's why Lon wanted to be a Navy SEAL and was the way he was. That's why his dad was this ripped dude on a tractor all the time. Like it looked like a CIA fucking. His name was Lon Gardner. His name was Lon Gardner. L-O-N. Okay.

Lon. Okay. So it's, it's still fun. It's ridiculous. It's not perfect, but it's fun. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So you could never bring it up to Lon though, because he was a scary man capable of violence. It's ridiculous. It's not perfect, but it's fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could never bring it up to Lon, though, because he was a scary man capable of violence. Yes, yeah. And so I sat in this custody with them, but ultimately I got let go because they didn't read me my Miranda rights, and I thought forever it was going to come back on me, and I got into roofing at that time.

Roofing saved my life. I I thought forever it was going to come back on me. And I got into roofing at that time, you know, roofing saved my life. I still doing it. Um, but I, I started roofing when they let me out thinking that charges were going to come, still going to come, going to come. And I just, they never came and I kind of never got out of roofing, you know what I mean? And so like, uh, that wasn't my first raid, you know, they almost got me a thousand times, like from when I was young and still in You know, they almost got me a thousand times like from when I was young and still in Elizabeth

to when they finally got me. I would just hear stories would funnel through Elizabeth about what you and the boys were up to and it was always so exciting and oh yeah, they found him with a gun

and it's like, oh, that classic, the boys, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to bring up the other two boys

because one of them passed away and the man it's hard other one's very powerful ah i know you could say i know i'm just saying he's he's up the ranks and i don't want to do anything to besmirch don't roll your eyes i know i know you do well we'll leave it yeah we'll leave leave it. We'll move on from that one. I would just hear stories about what the fuck you guys were up to. And I'd be like, I'm in college. Yeah. I'm majoring in poetry. Yeah.

I'm majoring in rhetoric and public address. You're like, when do we do night of notables? Yeah. That was just on my transcript. One night of the notables. No blackables. Yeah. That was just on my transcript. One night of the Notables. No blackface. Yeah, your mom was on top of it. Because I feel like that could have been fine because you were a kid.

In Elizabeth, Colorado. Like, not the worst because you're a kid. But then, yeah, for your mom to just be like, no, no, it's not. It's weird. Thank God she was from Cleveland. Because she knew that that was not okay. My dad had no idea that Blackface was out in 1996. Elizabeth was weird too because there were separate elementary schools.

So you went to Running Creek. Running Creek. I went to Singing Hills. In sixth grade, we all came together. It was just like, okay, we got our hot girls at Singing Hills. You got the hot girls at Running Creek. These are the new power groups. We were just like okay we got our hot girls at singing hills you got the hot girls at running creek and then we were just these are the new power groups we were just like horny chimps just like running circles around them yeah it was so crazy it was fucking nuts dude

yeah we unleashed nicole talent upon you guys oh man oh yeah and i don't know the food was the food was different we got chocolate and donuts and pizza slices in middle school like oh fuck it was so cool middle school was probably one of my favorite times even though like i had a bad home life yeah looking back middle school is one of my favorite periods of time living like you know what i mean like home life was bad but like that was my normal so like i was still always kind of happy you know what i mean yeah you were still playing sports too yeah for sure it's saggy pants laughs right yeah i used to smoke so much weed in high school that i would forget to put my pads in yeah into my football pants so i'd show up with these like they look like golf like golf

shorts you know like 1920s golf shorts my coach would like take his hat off throw it on the ground stomp on it. Salazar! And he just named it. The play would be going to me, so it was just saggy pants left. It's just like that became the thing. Do you remember when Clay Rader and Andy Quinn were getting fired up in ninth grade football? And Andy lost his tooth? No, Clay lost his tooth. Clay lost his tooth, yeah.

Yeah, because Andy had a helmet on. They were headbutting each other? They were just headbutting each other dude some of the capers those boys got up to you remember in fucking eighth grade when quinn and clay got in trouble the last day of school poop all over the school yeah yeah i do remember all over the bathroom or something poop everywhere was in the boy's room with his pants around his ankles dumping into the sink and Clay Rader was riding on the mirror in deodorant like school sucks

surfs up or whatever they were cowboys riding surfs up these were the kids who would like they drove snow plows when they were like 13 they got jobs with the county to excavate but yeah our vice principal came in

and andy told me he was like yeah he came in and he saw me dumping and he was like andy what are you doing and andy points and he says it was clay and i remember his expulsion slip said defecating in the wash basin oh shit andy came out of the c-sap test one time and defecating in the wash basin. Andy came out of the CSAP test one time and lit a cigarette in the lobby of the high school and said, what the fuck is sin and cos? He also got a Cosby. Yeah, exactly.

I think he got a DUI on his 16th birthday for crashing his truck into the Elizabeth High School sign. Like, in the morning. No shit. Yeah, dude. Andy was the man. I love Andy.

We're going to try and get him in the Wide World episodes. Are you? Yeah, when we go out to eastern Colorado, we're going to try and get Quinn on one. Because that guy, dude. Yeah, I saw him not too long ago. I went and inspected their roof. Yeah. Didn't you inspect

my dad's roof yeah i did yeah i think steep i know dude it's fucking steep yeah did you uh you want to tell the pod about the the the funny story about somebody finding your dad's house oh i've told that on here already oh man that's so crazy you came up to me travis shout out travis was like this is your parents house yeah that's so crazy. The guy who came up to me, Travis, shout out Travis, was like, this is your parents' house. Yeah, there wasn't a lot of information given. I am so impressed that he was able to find that. That's impressive, dude. He's a good guy.

He's come through. He's not a psycho, it turns out. They just like to show that they can get you if they wanted. Yeah, exactly. Not that they care. That bread is good enough. I can be if you want me to just saying maybe it'd just be so funny if there's like comedy tourists out there and they

go to my dad's house and my dad's just like listening to deep purple like making some kind of terrible soup with spaghetti in it like can i help you is this sam talent's house is that frank Is this Sam Talens' house? Is that Frank Zappa playing? Yeah, exactly. My dad brings them in. You want to see his yearbooks? He'd be hospitable to them. Yeah, man. Shit. Is there anything we didn't cover?

I mean, your life is just so... It's everywhere at once. It's been everywhere i mean now it's a lot different right i'm i i don't i don't sell drugs or doing this i still smoke a fuck ton of weed but uh dude when you were a kid weren't you guys like smoking crystal meth and going to school yeah yeah for sure i i did coke for the first time when i was like 14 years old probably with the berries there i mean i was hanging with this group of kids. We were like driving stolen cars. So I did drive a lot. But like we were driving stolen cars.

I mean, one of my friends, he stole this car, right? And he had it for like a year, this Jetta. He loved it so fucking much. And then the cops finally found it and took it from him. And we're like, oh, shit, what are you going to do? And he's like, I'm going to get my fucking car. I'm going to get my fucking car i'm gonna get my car back right it's not your car you get your car back seeing him the next day he fucking broke into the impound and stole that car back he did that two more times after that he had that car for like four years um brandon uh-huh yep brandon

the legend i knew who it was yes there was something about those jetas they were they were zippy they're fast yeah yeah they were clean looking affordable like cool fast car yeah yeah not just for chicks not just for girls weren't they like a part of the fast and furious franchise didn't i don't think like soup up a jet in one of those oh maybe i don't know i don't remember what cars weren't Fast and the Furious. I saw Fast and Furious 2 with Ludacris, and then I stopped. So I'm not up to date on it. You've got to have a marathon with your son.

You've got to watch 14 hours of Fast and the Furious. That kid's an animal. He'll get so riled up if I do that. I don't know if I can handle it, man. Fuck, I don't think so. That shit will pump him up, dude. I'm telling you. He loves cars.

He's a cars dude. Yeah, seriously. What? He learns to count. He's in gymnastics. He's learning. He can count right now to like 20. That's good.

Yeah. Yeah, he's three. He's not six months old, Sam. Well, I don't know. You'll know one day. Yeah. I hope not months old, Sam. Well, I don't know. You'll know one day. Yeah. I hope not. Yeah, no, life's different now.

You know, like I own a roofing business. I have one of the fastest growing roofing startups in the country. Yeah, it wouldn't be a fun story unless it all worked out. Yeah, right? I'm actually homeless right now. I came on because they bought free lunch. There's free pizza. I'm looking homeless right now. I came on because they bought free lunch. There's free pizza. I'm looking for a miracle.

If anyone can give me a ride to Memphis tomorrow. Got a big shipment coming in. In a couple days. I'm running from the cartel. I got to get out of the desert. This undisclosed house I think has been fucking... We've been here for too long. It's all compromised.

It's time to move what is the name of your roofing business uh notorious roofing notorious notorious that's right that's right you just hire a bunch of like men looking for opportunities yeah no that was the last one that was our old friend who had the roofing company so i was the last one. That was our old friend who had the roofing company. You're hiring actual reputable human beings. Yeah, I was the chief of operations. So I got into roofing. Like I said, it saved my life. My buddy had just acquired a roofing company from our hometown pastor.

And he said, hey, I'll sell them. You install them. We'll split the profits. And we were doing like, in 2017, we were doing $30 year average um you know we skyrocketed to the moon with it we did like not installed like 900 chick fillets together and then i went to get a pay my my quarterly payout um and it wasn't there and this guy had relapsed he left his wife in the middle of a planned pregnancy started doing drugs bought a million dollar house for a 20 year old girl brought a porsche all this dumb shit and we just parted ways and so the business that i built i didn't have any equity in bought a jet it was all in

his souped up jet oh dude come on he bought a hollister yeah and so i i left that business with no equity and then uh kind of rebuilt from there uh spent went and worked for one other company and kind of developed what became the foundation of what my business does now and so we have some different angles in the way we approach doing things trying to you know better the industry been in it for so long before i leave it i'd like to you know see some things change you want to live in a world without roofs right that's what you were saying yeah no i want to live in a free energy world that's right yeah yeah yeah so uh me and dave talent are over here looking for disclosure right now right and so my dad are watching the skies yeah we're just waiting for for everyone

trying to storm area 51 and you know we just want to know if lockheed's reverse engineering projects are going well and they're going to share that with us rooting for you boys yeah come on share that shit with us give us some shit yeah dude you gotta call my dad because that's just all he does he just texts me like look at this ancient mayan painting is that a reptile in a space suit and then my dad will just the capture his his text would say proof question mark just that non-stop from old dave t oh man yeah i love that shit link up yeah i'm gonna start sitting he's about to get fucking blasted with some stuff from me he's gonna reciprocate with some shit that you might

be unaware of maybe i'm deep into this you gotta remember i still have the adhd stay up till three in the morning up at fucking 6 37 in the morning oh yeah i know you have adhd you've just been in here pacing around the table since you arrived i spoke too blunt so i'm uh just walking around the table all right keep it up nick do you have you heard anything from that dude that partner that ghosted you did he like yeah i talked to him a couple days ago i stay in touch man like sam knows this like if if i if i love you i love you like i'll put loyal to a side and like uh yeah loyal to a fault and so like i check up on everyone make sure they love to make phone calls yeah i like to call people for sure i hate phone calls i fucking hate texting man and so i can say so much in a short period of time check on you move on to the next thing

you know what i mean so it's like is dude doing okay no he is uh believe it or not well nick's doing great so i thought maybe he's not there was a nine news article that was recently uh you know posted in colorado where police raided you know an abandoned camper in the warehouse district in commerce city uh which he was living in and there was also an escaped fugitive living in there as well so So if any of you guys know about the escaped fugitive they caught in the camper up there, it was my ex-partner's camper. So that's kind of where he's at right now. You know what I mean?

Okay, don't spike the football, Nick. You scored the damn touchdown. Act like you've been there before. Hand it to the ref. I'm like Ocho Cinco, dude. You know what I mean? I just pulled the fucking Sharpie out of Ocho Cinco, dude. You know what I mean? I just pulled the fucking Sharpie out of my sock. Oh, dude, yeah.

Borey would keep me abreast of the goings on over there. And I'd be like, dude, what the absolute fuck is happening? Every story I would hear would be worse and worse. And I don't think we need to, you know. I mean, not all of them. Some of them were good or just crazy, right? Like, I think we had one of the craziest christmases ever together and i wasn't doing bad at that time it was just like i wasn't living like i am now like i was not not in

prison making good money still this young dumb kid you know like woke up christmas morning with two strippers in my bed um they're upstairs making breakfast half naked a family member comes over you know hold on that christmas weren't certain people engaging in crack cocaine no that was the next christmas dude okay so this story tell this story this one right here one about when someone came over to your house yeah so so you know it started off like any other christmas there's two half-naked strippers cooking me cooking me breakfast that flew in on their stripper tour um to spend christmas with me david's in awe on the couch you know just

like this is the best day ever right and then this crazy family member you know that i have had showed up and was going through it with their spouse asked me to go get a gun so i could shoot the spouse shouted that from the window because they were sitting on the street parked for like 45 minutes and then i opened the door they they rolled down the window and shouted nick get your gun and i see the spouse in the fucking thing and his and that and the partners son was running up to the door crying to my front doorstep I'm like I'm not gonna shoot shoot your parents yeah my my relatives stays at the house the little boy

and the other parent leave and that relative starts saying that I'm telling him to calm down, you're ruining my Christmas and then they were like, oh you care about your fucking friends and everyone else and I'm like, no, this is fucking Christmas

and yeah, I do care about my friends, they're not fucking doing this shit right and so they're not asking me to get a gun they they slit their wrists in david's face and said you think i'm not fucking crazy and doing that and then came over to where i was prepping in the kitchen i told the strippers to go downstairs because strippers be gone i said this person's hostile away put some clothes on damn it this person's hostile and they'll attack you for no reason right and so like um and so then they came at me and said and tried to touch like strippers hide yeah they came over there wrist bleeding and like i'm like oh and the blood was getting on the counter and i was like get the fuck out of here the shrimp's gonna get blood on it you know what i mean take that shit somewhere else I mean? Think of the scampi. Take that shit somewhere else. Won't anyone think of the scampi?

This prime rib cost me $700 fucking dollars. And they went to the art room where we had like this $1,000 drafting table. Made of glass. And Jason went in there to try and calm that person down. And they put their head through the $1,000 drafting table. And at that point, I threw the relative out. Put their head through the glass table yeah yeah don't tell me to calm down bam and then it was like all right that's it you've

done enough damage that's a wrap officially ruined threw him out on the doorstep don't like didn't talk to him for a couple months you know what i mean um and then went just like got got the mood back together and then after that like i came upstairs and i was like david do you want to go out and david's like what david says that i opened up my coat and i had i pulled out a gun and an eight ball and said we're going to the club and i put my arm around the two strippers and he said dog it's christmas and then I guess I just left. Dog, it's Christmas.

Yeah. So, woo. That one. Dude, I remember when you told me that. I was like, hold on.

Start from the top. How many strippers? Fuck. Do you talk to that person anymore? Yeah. I mean do and i don't uh yeah yeah i try like right now i'm very concerned about how good of a father like my dream's always been to be to have a family of my own right from the circumstances the way that i grew up yeah i now i'm married with a kid so even though i have a successful business that's not my my like dream right my dream was always like being a husband being a dad and like having that having stability yeah having stability so i'm super hyper focused on like how people talk about me in front of my son how they act in

front of my son so the interactions are limited that person is also very hostile with my wife and hasn't and has you know i mean put themselves into kind of a corner with that. Y'all have always had a contentious relationship. Yeah, for sure. For sure. It was hard growing up with that one, for sure. I love him to death, but it's like the circumstances of our life. You take two people, and I turned out happy,

and it wrecked that person's life. You know what would have been fun is if I would have married Jesse. You know? That would have been fun. if I would have married Jesse. You know? That would have been fun. Yeah. You'd be living in Grandma's house right now. No, we'd have our own spot. No, she won't leave there ever.

She's going to stay there forever. She wants to die in that house, just like my grandma. Is that New Mexico? No, it's in Aurora, Colorado. Okay. Yeah, yeah. New Mexico is where my real dad lives. Christmas is ruined.

Christmas wasn't ruined. Daddy saved Christmas. I've been calling myself daddy since middle school. With the help of a little bit of snow and two women who did not have parental figures themselves. Oh, come on. They had daddy.

They had daddy. That was their main issue. Sally, tell them where they can find out more about Notorious Roofing. Yeah, I'm online. I wish I could say that our listeners had homes, but there's a lot of renters and caravans. Well, tell your landlords, man, if you guys get smacked by some big hail, that you need a new roof, right? Yeah, you're such a hail.

I'll give you a referral. Dude, you roofers are, I mean, I love you, but you guys are, you guys just follow around the storms, praying for the worst. you guys just follow around the storms i mean praying for the worst it's crazy that it's like that but also my business is actually not i that's yes it's cool when that shit happens but like when that doesn't happen entire neighborhoods are destroyed by hay yeah i actually love it i've taken to partnering with with solar companies and they actually sell the roofs for me and so whenever somebody needs a new roof but you know and they're trying to get solar i'm usually the guy that gets the does the roofing for the solar industry and so like i've kind of partnered to that side of things so i'm not chasing storms all the time on the road also

like twister it's like it's not like the roofing people are causing the hail they're not on they're not on the roof with a hammer late at night. Some of them are. Well, okay. But Nick's doing it right. Storm chasers have got a pretty bad reputation when things dry up. Okay, right. Because a lot of them are fresh out of jail. Yeah, that's when it's gross. But really, yeah, if a storm hits somewhere, those people are going to need roofs.

Yeah, the insurance company calls it acts of God, actually. So yeah, that's not not completely uh predatory no no i didn't say predatory i just uh tried to think of other words to say i mean they're aggressive right and so for you you're used to getting sold by ads on your fucking facebook or instagram not some guy knocking on your door in 2020 right and so that's what's alarming to people and so It's also alarming that you think it's 2020. Nick, it's 2024. It's Christmas every day up here.

So yeah, Notorious Roofing is available where? North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Illinois, Colorado, Arizona, moving into California and Nevada this year. Very good. So if you live anywhere there, you need a roof. Talk to Nicholas Alejandro Salazar, who's not white. Help of minority business, everybody.

And if you want to help us, you can go to patreon.com slash Chevy Behemoth and join our Patreon. It's great. Five bucks a month. Probably 500 episodes on there at this point a lot of the best ones are patreon ones not by design just the way that it has shaken out some of the some of my favorites are in there uh prayers up for becker yeah i think he's all right he's gonna have a nice relaxing weekend uh that's good going to hot springs somewhere good uh for a couple days.

So I think this episode may come out a little late, but it'll be worth it. We had to do it a little late because we wanted to get Salazar on because he is one of the best raconteurs of a generation. If you want to see us wax poetic live on stage, come to Governors in Long Island next weekend.

On Long Island. On Long Island, excuse me. They always say on. You wait online, you're On Long Island. On Long Island. Excuse me. They always say on. You wait online. You're on Long Island. They're all on. They're not in. They're on.

I don't get it. You can also see me. It's a New York thing. Oh, just added a show March 16th at the Independent Comedy Club in Detroit. That's probably sold out already. And then come see us at Hyena's in Dallas, Fort Worth. Traverse City, Michigan. SamTalent.com has all the dates. Watch Wide World.

Subscribe to Wide World. Do me a favor. Go to Sam Talent on YouTube. Just hit subscribe. All right? Because we're building that thing. We're so fucking fired up. Pat's at the work in the lab just giving you some of the best content ever.

And it's fucking free on YouTube. All you got to do is subscribe and that helps me be able to then sell ads to get pat a little bit of money so we can buy him a c-pat machine or a big enough casket that i can put him inside c-pat yeah also get uh some coffee from my wife megan with an h uh the email address is mutiny on main street at gmail there's a few different coffee options available they roast their own beans uh so you got a few different choices it's very good coffee i i got some recently and i'm loving it hit her up yeah don't ask her if she's got them you know she do so don't bug her just ask about the coffee keep it profesh she won't dump them out for you oh no she's very anti-dumping uh nick we

didn't even get to most of you told us two stories just hanging out that i was like we don't have a long enough podcast to facilitate i'll come back yeah you guys see i'm around i'm a gypsy you know you'll see me again yeah i know you've surfaced in some weird places remember in atlanta when we ate when we ate all that crawfish yeah and then we slept on the floor of some girl's apartment. Well, who knows? All right. I think you knew this long before I knew. All right.

He cheated on his wife. No, he didn't cheat on his wife. They both cheated on their wives. No, no, no. These guys are bad guys. Don't be like them. Oh, shit. No, definitely not.

But I don't know if she was aware that we were actually in that apartment. That's my main issue. Oh. Yeah. All right, guys. Love y'all. Suck it. Later.