Chubby Behemoth - Wad, Smusho, Spy: Triple Threat

Episode Date: February 5, 2024

SPONSORS: Manscaped - Support the show and get 20% off and free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com with the code CHUBBY Sheath - Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order at https://www.sheathunderwear.com with promo code CHUBBY BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week Sam tells us about our friend Stroup’s favorite kind of magician, his ideal place to die, and showing the guys on the bus cool hand tricks. Sam also talks about the coat he wants and the gentleman that currently owns it. Someone put on for their city. Nathan debuts his hit new country single, does a pants investigation that leads to a backwards butt, and shows the camera his plans for the night.      Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth    Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

can you hear me you sound like a little guy i am a little guy look how little i am you sound like you're trapped in this window in my computer i got a virus man you would be the worst virus to get like whenever i go to use my computer it's just your face and your voice just like in there that would suck i'm writing you're like tap dancing on the words i'm clippy i can give you some some hints on better writing tips yeah you're like make it make it sound quieter and smaller that'd be my tip make everybody a little guy dude writing a novel where everyone's just small, but it's like a serious novel about literary themes,

but it's just like the twist is that people are tiny. At the end, you reveal that the world's been small the whole time, and people are like, I've read 500 pages of this bullshit, and the people are just fucking little. That's the whole thing. Everybody's four-four. Yeah, or they're not even that small. They're like, everyone's five-three in this world. That's the whole thing? Everybody's 4'4". Yeah. Or they're not even that small.

They're like, everyone's 5'3". In this world. People are like, oh, well, who killed the mother? You didn't reveal that? You didn't solve that mystery? You just said everyone's tiny? I'd read it. No, you wouldn't.

I'll tell you what. I was, after going through all this audio bullshit, I realized, I was like, why have I not been pissed? And it's because I was very stoned. And so I was just like, fucking, I was you at the football game. I was just like, disassociating and trying to like, be like, it'll work and then we'll have fun. Well, I don't want to break it to you, but if you noticed, I didn't get pissed either. You're not allowed. For very similar reasons, because last night Becker showed up to the old show in Colorado Springs

and I was able to show him backstage that we received four gigantic gift boxes from Blazy Susan and Bert told me and Stroop, you guys take whatever you want and man, we went in like pigs last night, dude. We were on that bus. Dude, at one point, this guy

Pete, who's on the bus with us, he's Bert's assistant and the main go-to dude. He made a funny Photoshop because the merch guy, Reagan, has been sending me pictures of him and Cher, which is an inside joke. Dude, let me tell you the whole story. We're eating dinner night one in Casper, Wyoming. And Reagan's sitting at a different table. And someone asked Derek Stroop, what are you, a shareholder? Because we were talking about something.

And fucking Reagan popped around the corner and said, Sonny was. Did I tell you guys this story already? No. So no one heard Son sunny was the first time so he like literally like grabs derek on the shoulder and taps into the conversation and repeats it sunny was so we couldn't get enough because it's like the perfect joke and also he went back to the well when no one heard it and like like, yeah, yeah. Awesome. But then he followed up by just sending me like pictures of him and Cher.

So I passed that on to the people in the bus. We had a big laugh about it after about 100 milligrams for me and Stroop and like 15 for everyone else on the bus. Blanford and Kyle. So we're fucking zooted. We're honking these new sphere x's we're having a nice time and then uh pete like was photoshopping like like uh reagan and share into like leninist marches and black and white and like he covered katherine blandford's jumpsuit in fucking reagan and share made it look like that's all she was wearing and katherine said wow pete you're like magic and stroop went oh pizza magician and then stroop goes

whoa pizza magician and then we laughed at pizza magician for a a good, I don't know, dude, six minutes straight. Just droop. Whoa, Pizza Magician. You've heard of Professor Pizza, but what if you could make the pizza disappear? And then reappear. That's the move. Eat it all and it's back in the box

yeah all last night we were so fucking stoned dude and now it's just continued today we went on like a hike and now we're just we're letting it ride-minute sets, it's like you can't fuck it up. It's impossible to blow it. Becker was there last night. He saw what it's like. Yeah. Two-thirds of the openers were home runs. Oh, Becker.

No, everybody killed it. He's never been a Stroop guy. No, I love Stroop. What's he saying? I didn't do well? Nope. You also did extremely well sam i heard you struggled there's a pair of pink boots up there struggling a little bit oh becker just a little bit oh no

becker well we told her to say pueblo yeah she did good she just uh i don't think she crushed like you and stripped and it was weird that she was in between the two of you yeah well you know dude we just bring it what do you have to say about this you haven't talked in a while uh oh I'm curious about the ride Becker and Carlos were you guys

scared was I-25 bad the whole way it was bad all the way to Pueblo going north. Like, really fucking bad all the way to Pueblo going north. And then it was pretty fine from there to the springs. We had a little bit of, like, sleep, but nothing insane. But it took us three and a half hours to get to Colorado Springs. And then the drive home. The tour bus we were in

was going sideways for like 50 miles, dude. We were all over the goddamn ice before we hit Raton. Yeah, the drive home... How funny would it have been if my bus crashed in Trinidad and I died in Trinidad? And you guys were just asleep in your beds.

like asleep in your beds i wake up and i let the dogs out and the dogs are barking and then i they're just like swarming something i'm like get away from that and it's your body my eyes have been pecked out by crows but I made it to your house based on smell and sense memory somehow I have a coyote's head in my mouth but otherwise I'm clearing ice off of my car I'm just like god damn it really came down last night it's just your bloated face it's like true detective so like it looks like I'm screaming even though I'm frozen I'm like

fuck It looks like I'm screaming even though I'm frozen. I'm like... Fuck. I'd be so pissed if I died in Trinidad after bashing it for the last fucking four years. And that's where my soul ascends. There's a fucking... There's an article out now in the Colorado Sun about Trinidad basically blowing it. it was a downer

what did it say did it quote me almost yeah no it just it mentioned like just all the things that almost happened or a bunch of the money that has been, that is supposed to go, you know, is supposed to help in various ways, different grants and different funds that, I don't know, disappeared, I guess. Yeah, it's like as if two people tricked a bunch of losers into moving to a stink town. Two people tricked a bunch of losers into moving to a stink town. And then once all the dumbasses showed up, those two people tucked tail and bailed after cashing in. That's crazy.

No, no. Yeah, it's almost like some of the dumbest people I've ever met were like, I'm going to go make my fortune in Trinidad. I'll tell you what, I got savings in the bank because of living in Trinidad. I'll tell you what, I got savings in the bank because of living in Trinidad. Yeah. So suck it. Hey, I've been sucking it. I live in fucking

another part of Colorado, alright? You live in rat fuck. Yeah, I live in fucking butt wound Colorado. Dildanus. Yeah. I live in dick lesion co oh dude another big one get hit last night i can't i forgot we were on the bus little kyle who's the man uh he was uh allegedly high,

and me and Stroop went for a high five, you know my classic high five, and then they put their hand up, and then you point at them and say, who's gay? Yeah, it's the worst thing in the world. So I got Stroop with a who's gay, and Kyle went, oh my God, oh my God! Life-changing? Life-changing, dude. I've seen him do it three times today he did it in a casino he got burnt with it oh shit yeah he went oh he went oh my god oh my god and he said i'm gonna

start hammering that all the time and hammer he has he's been hammering away with the who's gaze less is more kyle oh it's been fun to watch him uh learn and adapt in real time and there's this dude here at the rio rancho event center who like drove us you know uh on our missions today the runner he's a sweet guy a simple guy he's one of those guys like no robert that's mud not chocolate one of these types you know he was a spy at the wheel and a smush so he's the rare little guy yeah he's he's a wad smusho spy he's a triple threat the best stories are about a little guy coming to town figuring some shit out yeah he had to sit on my lap so i could work the pedals but he's like you know like let's say let's say this is like a normal human being

all right this represents a normal human being this can of liquid death this is how he's shaped This is how he's shaped. And of course, I'm shaped like this bag, you know, so it's okay. But anyway, he's got a jacket. University of New Mexico Lobos. I posted it on my Instagram. It is a pitcher's jacket from the baseball team here, and it was a gift. It's a one-of-one because he works security at the baseball field.

And I offered him $200 because Bert gave us each $100 today and took us to the casino. I turned my $100 into $400. So I have free money, And I offered sweet simple Robert 200 American dollars. And he said he has to ask his boss if it's okay. Yeah. I think he's blowing it.

He's gonna get back to you? No one gives a shit if he sells the jacket or not he's not gonna get called into hr for selling a comedian his jacket that he got for free from the baseball team yeah we're all very confused as to why i'm not currently wearing the jacket i saw a picture of you uh uh, of Bert with, uh, Emmy, right?

Emily was back there. Where'd you see that? Insta. Who posted that? I don't know. You? Uh, Carlos.

No. Maybe Carlos. Oh, Carlos. A bunch of photos. Carlos got a picture of my wife from last night. She's barely in it, but, well,

she's, there's two parts of her that are very in it. She was dumping. Not in this picture. She was the only one dumping. She was full thwomp last night. Well, let's get some pictures up online. It was like the world was made of glass and she was putting them on it. and she was putting them on it.

It was funny to imagine very pragmatic, often serious or logical Emily just having to say, being unable to bite her tongue any longer by the end of the night and saying to Bert, put a fucking shirt on. Hey, why do you still not have a shirt on?

It's been an hour and a half. Everybody that's here is like friends and family and like staff. So why? How about put a shirt on? Is that insane? Hey, man, you're off the clock. Everybody's gone. Just us.

You've been quietly reading for 20 minutes. You're freezing. Yeah. My favorite part of the night was when Bert asked Emily if Zinn were good for your heart. Oh yeah, that was big. That was big. He did not like her opinion.

No, he did not. Did a doctor really tell you guys Zinn are good for your heart? Dude, the surfer's husband from Casper, we hung out with a surfer lady. Her husband was a vascular surgeon. He said that Zinn's were fine and he often rocks three or four of them during a seven hour fucking surgery and when we heard that we were like awesome he's like yeah they're fine dude they're not bad for

your blood pressure they don't give lead to strokes or heart attacks like these are the future bruh and this doctor was married to a surfer and he talked like this because he's from los angeles so he'd be like oh yeah like uh here's how you amputate a leg right like you got to go like five centimeters below the knee bone dude and then you make two flaps and you're gonna stitch them together and that's gonna be your stump you need to make a stump aperture and like he just hammered me i was stuck next to him for an hour and a half as, like, surfs up cities over there talking about being nude and fucking Belize. And meanwhile, I've got fucking, you know, Dr. Radical over here being like, well, yeah, that's the thing about, like, the aorta is a lot of people think it's big. But it's kind of like the width of, like, a pencil lead, dude.

So, like, you got to think about how easy it is to get a bunch of plaque in there. And, like, I fucking scraped that plaque, dude. And I'll save to think about how easy it is to get a bunch of plaque in there. I fucking scrape that plaque, dude. And I'll save it and I'll show it to people and I'll be like, dude, look at these drifts that were up in your fucking valves, bud. It was way too much. And of course me and Stroop were also high.

Me and Stroop have just been fucking blasted for four days. I thank you for staying good and high with you oh dude i was staying freaky and geeky over there you got separate rooms uh we're on the bus we're on the bus yeah so is it possible like is it a uh lights out at 10 situation are you partying are you in stroop giggling until 4 a.m what's up with the yeah i mean i just told you how we giggled until late into the night last night due to our cannabis usage we were fucking giggling and wiggling i mean people go to bed in waves you

know yeah yeah that's what we'll like go to bed and be like we love you you know night daddy and then kisses kiss his belly button yeah go over there suck the lint out make a sweater he put the shirt on to go to sleep oh fuck we didn't even tell lund who the super speak secret guest was in the green room last night dude we had becker we had carlos we had em, we had, I guess, Mel's younger brother, and then some white guy I never met, there and there. And then there's actually two super secret guests, Judy Marmel,

who's like one of the most powerful managers in the world, and I guess my manager, kind of, I'm with her company, she's there with her whole family, and then also, presidential hopeful Tulsi Gabbard was in the green room whoa dumping them out oh she had them it was like they were under fucking bulletproof glass there's a couple of state secrets she was she was the opposite of emmy emmy was like hey count every fucking divot on my nipple and meanwhile tulsi it was like she had a bulletproof vest on that's unfortunate was she it was like emmy's fucking

top has been a saran wrap it was crazy whoa yeah i can confirm that i gotta go to carlos's house easy becker get that hard drive i didn't because we were all wearing jackets for the whole time I can confirm that. I gotta go to Carlos' house. Easy, Becker. Get that hard drive. No, I didn't, because we were all wearing jackets for the whole time before the show, and I didn't see her once we came in, because she waited for two people and sat down during Stroop. And then you saw her. I did clock, like, Jesus Christ, you're trying to make everybody else feel bad. I think she was putting on for her city.

Yeah, dude. Rocky Ford, y'all. She rips rocky ford yeah man i mean it was i introduced her to that merch guy reagan who sent me all the share photographs and his fucking eyes didn't make it above her chin it was just full-on deer in headlights she She was in Colorado Springs dumping them Colorado thangs. Yeah. I mean, there was part of me

that was like, what if you wore Burt's shirt? That'd be cool. You guys both can't be topless back here, honey. That's his thing. Yeah. both can't be topless back here, honey. That's his thing. Yeah, she was free willy. Man.

Weed, huh? Weed rules. The cause of and solution to all of life's problems. So, to the listener, by the way, I want to pull back the curtain a little bit we can barely hear one due to us not having any of this locked in

after four years of remote podcasting it's still every day's a fucking miracle we're just we're just lifting up stumps and hoping it's not full of spiders every time so if it seems like we're having uh communication issues we're not we're just listening actively hoping it's not full of spiders every time so if it seems like we're having uh communication issues we're not we're just listening actively and it's only enhancing the podcast we're making it better i have to really try to hear him and it's funny that you sound great because you've been in these weird cavernous arena corners of like a training room or a fucking whatever. The referee locker room shower.

Yeah. I'm not in a room that's made of fucking ceramics, which is good for sound. And I'm at home with the setup that normally is fine, and I don't know what's going on. I blame Megan. Yeah, probably Megan was probably podcasting before you got home. She probably downloads shit on here.

Well, I'll tell you about the room I'm in. This is kind of fun. This is the shower for all the comedians. But I came in here, and there's like a little room, and then there's a toilet and a shower. And I used the toilet recklessly. Mass and no survivors war crime type stuff just total tokyo mudslide and then i came out here and i sat down and it's 81 degrees in this room and i can't turn it down i just see it on the wall and it reeks like one of my nasty mounds so i'm just like i'm in like a sauna with my own stink and it's really it sucks i gotta tell you it stinks and katherine blanford like came in here and

she's like this is where your podcast thing and she went oh what's that smell and i went shut the door drop it, we want boys. Oh, damn. Yeah, so it stinks in here. Remember when I said that guy was this shaped? Yeah, it showed. You better sell me that jacket, dude. 300 bucks?

I offered him $200. It's fucking... He got it for free. You said it was New Mexico State or what? No. UNM? Dude, the front of it says Lobos. It's red letters on gray. And the back says UNM. But it's badass.

It's for baseball guys. Yeah, I could see that being pretty solid. Dude, UNM, great colors, colors great team name great basketball court the pit it's recessed it's like you're on top of them it's fun where i wish it wasn't around they should be able to play while they're spinning well i like a country music superstar yeah that guy got got a jersey from the basketball team because they used him as the ball. Turn me up, man. Hey, turn me up, Becker. Oh, Rio Rancho.

Wait, so the show starts at 7? Is that when the show starts and you get up there? Shake a stanky leg? 7 p.m.? Oh, Rio Rancho. Where are those? Let's shake a stanky leg. 7 p.m. Over your rancho, where those lobos ate my son. The work just ain't been finished until the dishes have been done. I can't be heard by my best friends and the devil's

lurking close but if you ever come to my headstone leave the thing I love most leave me wet pussy leave me dry ass leave me big tits pushed up

against glass give me champagne give me my mother ass. Leave me big tits pushed up against glass. Give me champagne. Give me my mother's um. Give me non-alcoholic beer so I don't have to lie

when my wife comes near. And she'll pray on the mountain that my name stays clean. That was great. I'm up against it, man. I'm up against it. I gotta be loud, so I gotta come up with some shit. Oh my god.

Rio Rancho, take me home. Hold me up, Rio. Oh. Jelly Roll's fucked. Hey, Rio, hold me up. What oh jelly rolls hey rio hold me up what a treat that was oh shit well good thing we're 24 minutes in hey all right hey that took up a good 90 seconds holy shit oh what if it sounds real bad because i'm fucking it up on this end being up against the microphone yeah what if it's like a total waste of time what if we can't put out this episode with so

many great stories and so many great like physical and song gags it's it's gonna be fine oh man i'm up against it becker's Becker's up against it He told me last night That he was able to eat noodles And he had the fucking Just the biggest smile on his face I threw them all up When?

This morning How did you have anything Left in you by this morning? It didn't turn to turds? I don't know That's part of the issue Is how the fuck am I Throwing up food

Twelve hours after I eat it Hey don't get in attitude with me I'm not the one who's very sick No that's But that's like part of what issue is how the fuck am I throwing up food 12 hours after I eat it? Hey, don't get mad at you with me. I'm not the one who's very sick. No, but that's like part of what's been freaking me out the whole time. And the doctors don't seem as concerned as I am about that detail of like, hey, if I'm eating once a day, I'm not mistaken about when the last time I ate was. How the fuck am I puking food up so much long, so much time after I've eaten? Like, it doesn't make sense. Have you considered bringing a gun with you next time you go to the doctor

and not leaving until you have answers? If they're like, hey, I can't keep food down, and you're not going to be able to keep food down too. All right? I'll shoot you right in the stomach. Now tell me what's wrong with me. Or you say, hey, if you don't tell me what's wrong with me I'm going to have my last meal and it's a bullet and then put the gun in your mouth

uh no it'd be them before me uh now Becker you seem to have gotten quieter somehow are you using your microphone yes did I really get quieter yes he put it in his mouth what the fuck you got the wondering voice you weren't staying on the mic because you were

fucking bragging so much about puking oh yeah sorry i get mad it sucks so bad you know what people should do to help you is probably join the Patreon. That'd be great, everyone. Go to patreon.com slash chubby behemoth and sign up so we can keep Becker in his house. He's losing his job. He's losing his mind. Please, somebody, tell him he's fine. Go ahead and join the Chubby Behemoth Patreon because we have to line Becker's pockets with dough. Yeah. I was pretty

I thought I was in the green on the drive home last night. I was like, oh, it's been a long time. I still feel okay. Well, also, we've set up a certain tier on the Patreon where for a hundred bucks Becker will have sex with you twice a month.

But only girls are allowed to sign up for it. And he has to have access to a toilet where he can't be heard from the bedroom. Yes. Because Becker wants his last meal to be your pussy. So please, join the Patreon. Because he can't throw that up because he's not swallowing it. That's like

an old Chinese riddle. It's like, what do you eat but you don't swallow? Pussy. Have you offered to go down on the doctors, Becker? I have not. I've had mostly old male doctors. Yeah yeah well they really

need to win they want it the most yeah the good old days you know are behind them where they were getting laid left and right and so now it's just kind of a any port in a storm i'll try i'll try anything at this point the doctor double d won't be able to help the gift of laughter made you feel better until uh the the next the dawn of a new day and then your belly was like oh the laughter is gone pretty much now there's only pain but i did fit my jeans last night lund oh so you yeah you looked good i haven't fit those jeans since japan you looked good between becker and carlos coming into the green room and my wife just having them exposed the conversations last night were were a lot becker would look to me and

he said look at my jeans. I fit in them. And they're like weird, like stonewashed denim for some reason. It's like he's wearing his dead mom's jeans. It's like the sisterhood of the Beckerhood pants. Yeah, I like light denim. Dude, you know what would be cool? Is if... Sorry, I stepped on that. Sorry, I stepped on that. Light denim.

Someone please clip that and let's make that into an audio meme. I like white denim. Light denim. Light. Oh, nice. Light denim. White is definitely also a choice. Mm-hmm.

But slightly less insane is light denim. But still nuts, of course. I'm wearing my Comedy Works sweatshirt because you wore yours last night. Right. Solidarity. And, yeah. But you still had the weird pattern on your pants. What was that from?

What? It looks like basketball net. Weird pattern on my pants? Yeah, remember, I mentioned it a while back, where it's like a basketball net pattern when you're on that big screen. It's like you had a weird quilt on you and somebody sat on your lap what like i was like caught in like fish netting yeah your pants look all fucked up they look weird and i can't remember if you gave an explanation last time i don't think they look weird i think i'm just wearing those are like my gray show pants. Those are one of the two pairs of pants that I have for the

stage. They look fucked up. No, they don't. They look crazy to me. They look like you got in a tussle with somebody and they were trying to kidnap you in a net and you struggled and struggled and eventually kicked your way free and your pants look

they look crazy. They don't look like it's just little you're away free and your pants look they look crazy they don't look uh they don't look uh like it's just little uh creases you would think for all the photos i received from mean people online zooming in on the way that my knees look on big screens and on stage i would know exactly how these pants look but i'm looking at them right now and these are just creases and wrinkles. In the shape of a fucking basketball net? I don't

get it. It's the way that the pants are built. It is fucking weird looking though. They look crazy. They look crazy in person. Oh my god. Go to Carlos' page and

zoom my crotch. only does not only do the pants look weird it looks like my legs are on backwards well when when we talked about this before it looks like my legs are on backwards bro you've you mentioned the knees and i have not noticed anything with your knees i'm seeing the pants. I'm seeing crazy basketball in that pants. It looks like my butt is in the front. It's wild that that didn't stand out to me while I was staring at you on a giant screen. That's all I see. I saw Commie Works and I was like, oh, no, the pants are back.

It looks like someone twisted my torso around. And I'm talking to the tech guys and not the audience. It's terrible. It's like you're doing the Uber driver, no one knows what I do, the turnaround. Yeah, I'm human course root. Becker's transfixed. Just the head. Is there a stitch on the outside around your pocket

uh yeah there's a stitch around the pocket on the outside that's giving you the front butt look that's probably if you're looking on the right side of these pants yeah oh my god it looks like so i was like built in a build-a-bear warehouse that outside stitch on the front's probably something to avoid in the future i bought these pants at a mire in northern michigan because i needed a pair of pants at a cookout for lunch a week yeah this is what i've been looking i've worn these on stage countless times i wear these in my special? No. No. No.

No. They're black. I think you were wearing black in the special. I'm checking it out. Special is black pants. I'm drinking. Okay, those are black pants. Oh, thank God.

Yeah, I have pictures of you and your... to make sure your fit didn't change, even though you had several of the same sweater freshly wrapped up in plastic crap yeah well they're going to the spithsonian now yeah oh my god i look so orange in this comedy special i look like a pumpkin man no it looks like i'm fucking wearing fake tanner or bronzer no this isn't how you should watch your comedy specials when you're very high huh all right hey 670 000 views one month ago hey everyone do me a favor go ahead and watch and or share that great comedy special the toad's morale the people are talking about it

go out there give it a like give it a follow go to our youtube for the love of god we have almost we have maybe that's what i'll do maybe now that i have this excess footage if first we feast pass on it maybe we'll just put it on the old chubby behemoth that's where we'll go but i'd like it to be on first we feast so then i can do the hot wings challenge with the bald man. Oh, shit. Yeah. That'd be nuts. That'd be nuts. There's no reason I would ever be on there. That makes no sense. Regionally acknowledged comedian, same talent.

He had a season of regionally acknowledged rappers. Well, I mean, I'm one of those as well. True. You're gonna get on as a rapper. Yeah, I have to go on as Thoracic Cavity. As seen on Danny Brown's podcast. Yeah.

Uh-huh. Just. What up with it, ball man? Yeah, one's for seeing and one's for viewing, if you know what I mean. Oh, he cool? Hip-hop voice. Yeah, hip-hop voice. Well, I was doing scraggly voice earlier.

Now I do hip-hop voice. Scraggly voice, yeah. Scraggly voice. What race are you? Scraggly. Scraggly voice. Scragsklelvania, man. You go to the DMV. What race are you? I'm Scragly. Next question. Put an S for Scragly. This is a crazy look. Look at this. Now imagine if I was wearing a simple man's jacket I bought off his wet body.

What's on the hat? Yeah. What's on the hat? This is the hat I bought in Tokyo. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But what the hell was I going to say? Oh, yeah, when I put on that guy's jacket. What do you have on? I'm put on that guy's jacket. What do you have on? I'm sorry.

Wet guy's jacket. No. I forget that those hats are supposed to be cool. I don't know if you make them look cool. And that's why I didn't get one is I didn't think I would make it look cool. It wouldn't make me look cool. We would drag each other down into the mud. Yeah, I mean, you would have just eaten ramen out of it and ruined it.

It would have been your to-go bucket. Oh, dude. You needed a huge one. You should have gotten a XXXL for your dome. My head, it fits fine. Creasy came to the show in Loveland. Oh, yeah. And there was a whiskey sponsor up there who gave us all whiskey bottles with like

the show on it i have it right here actually it's like it was made for the show and has the date on it whoa so that was cool but then he also had these bucket hats for his company and i was wearing one like looking like a dumbass on purpose you know was a hilarious bucket hat. It made no sense. I had it flipped up. It was nuts. Creasy comes backstage. Before he even says hello to Bert Kreischer, he says, I really like that hat.

And I was like, all right. Do you want the hat? And he's like, are you serious? And I was like, yeah. And I gave him the hat, and then he wore it all night while hanging out with Kreischer, which was insane. Creasy in a bucket hat, flipped up.

That was a lot of fun. It literally looked like he was a Make-A-Wish kid. Like, Bert talked real slow when they spoke with each other. And what's your name? Creasy. That's great, buddy. Why do they call you that? Because you obviously are wet? Did you remind Bert of the time he thought Creasy was him?

No, of course not. What was that? I don't want to bum anyone out. I saw a video of Creasy getting popcorn greased at Chirito. He posted it back then and was like, I thought this was me for a moment. No way. Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah way back in the day. What? Yeah.

Creasy had viral greased up fame? I don't think it went viral I think it was just like Burt fans at that time because that was like right around when Burt was starting like that was when the Machine Story hit. Oh my god. Creasy would have fucking had an around when Burt was starting. That was when the machine story hit. Oh my god.

Creasy would have fucking had an in instead of being the simpleton in the upturned brim bucket hat. That's why I was wondering if anybody thought to give him that in. He forgot. Creasy forgot. He lives such a crazy life that he forgot about this

very specific highlight that he could have shared a story. He could have shared. Do the people that I've introduced Bert Kreischer to have been Creasy, Carlos Becker, a woman I said was my wife. It was actually a sex worker. And then two dudes. I don't really know.

Those are the people I brought in the green room. He must think I have the I brought in the green room. He must think I have the weirdest crew in the world. You said Mel's brother's friend. Mel's brother and his brother's friend. Yeah. But one of Mel's youngest brothers that I don't really know. I think his name is like Raekwon.

Yeah. What did they do? They played it cool. And then he kept being like, if I take my shirt off, will you take his shirt off so I can take a picture with him with our shirts off and I was like don't do that just stay over here drink this Bud Light inspect the deck alright let's just play it cool yeah good call

that's alright oh yeah the jacket hold on everybody shut up so when I went to put on that guy's jacket. You know when you get like a leather jacket and it has like the cuffs that are kind of like a spongy fabric? Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? When you get like a jacket and the cuffs are tighter to your wrist and the rest is just a jacket? Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? When you get like a jacket and the cuffs are tighter to your wrist and the rest is just a jacket?

Yeah. Well, when I put his jacket on to see if it fit, the cuffs were fucking soaked. I don't know what they were soaked with either, but they were just like, like, that was like, oh, God. I said aloud in my head. I didn't say it to him, but I was like, ugh. Yeah. And I just like had it on for like five minutes with my hands in the pockets just getting my wrist wet i don't know what wet stuff he was up to that he went up to past his wrist both of them were just drenched sweating he was sweating i used to wonder how so many people

guys could wear layers in like you know hot uh or crowded bars or whatever and it's just they're not dripping sweat like i would be but they're hot as fuck they're sweating they're hot everybody not everybody can tell because they're dancing or grinding or whatever grinding their teeth because they're on club drugs but they're sweating and yeah i mean it's the classic situation of the fat guy wearing a hoodie all the time fat guy in july with the hoodie with the sleeves pushed up it's like bro we know the we know what you're doing just own it you're so wet under there i think i had uh oh yeah you saw the couple where the guy was in the middle there's a man and a

woman tiny woman she's in the aisle the guy in the middle is wearing like a beanie and a jacket or he took the jacket off but he had a hoodie on and it's like you thought you're gonna wear a hoodie and a jacket and a beanie the middle seat of a fucking plane but uh but him and the other guy that didn't sit right next to me but it was another oh the couple that knew us the fucking couple that saw't sit right next to me, but it was another. Oh, the couple that knew us. The fucking couple that saw us. I sat next to them and they didn't notice it was me. It was hilarious. Classic Cleveland couple.

They were all skiing or snowboarding and they all reeked of booze because they were partying. They were tying it on tight. And then it's the same as the fat people. They think that they can just contain it within their hoodie. It's like no it comes out it comes out it makes it seep out slowly instead of just getting it over with and then maybe uh you know it it goes away you know it gets recycled into the the plane uh it's like a stove pipe on a chimney it's like it's all coming out right here of your neck so everyone just smells it right

out the top yeah it was uh yeah it was gross especially with guy in the middle the couple that uh sat next to me were not gross but i think they definitely had been partying which is fine you're in cleveland uh it's fucking gray the whole time you gotta have some have some fucking cosmos yeah but pound them yeah it was funny because the way that they i forgot about that the way that they looked at you or reacted to you standing up i was like either they're fans of of pointing out giant dudes or they saw the show and uh yeah so i asked them i was like are you trying to figure out who that is what if that was their thing what if they're just like whoa there's one and then she like

pulls out like a checklist and like just marks it off yeah i'm like oh are you you guys wondering who that is and they're like well no we're just marveling wondering what that is. How many seats was he taking up? Yeah. Now, yeah. Yeah, they have a calendar, and she just, like, crosses off that day, and then they high-five. Oh, shit. Wadspotting. Maybe they'll be at Rio Rancho, because they were Albuquerque people.

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dude last night last night stroop was like talking about how he worked at big lots and i said how you think that's bad god i worked at a place that made toupees for kids it It was called Wigged Tots. In the bunk? Oh, that was like... Shout out to Blazy Susan. But hey, actually shout out to our real sponsor, Manscaped. Whose ad we're reading.

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What'd you say? He was in the army or something? This isn't good pod, man. That's what happens when I don't get copy. I got to make up my own. And I knew that we had talked about sheath, and now the edge that it has over other underwear companies is that dude held a gun for a little bit in the desert. So next thing you know,

bing bang boom oh, boxers that rule. You know, bing bang boom oh, boxers that rule. That's all he had to think about over there. That's all he had to think about. Man. Dude, last night when Burt pulled out the airborne patch after he sang the Pledge of Allegiance. Or no, Star Spangled Banner.

They went nuts. That was the biggest pop that's ever gotten is that the beginning? no, it's like 5 minutes before he closes he does God Bless America followed by the Star Spangled Banner and they were fucking going nuts last night for it that's insane

it is an insanely beautiful moment Robert Patton would love it right after he shouts out It is an insanely beautiful moment. Robert Patton would love it. Right after he shouts out, White Rifle Coffee Company. God bless. And the Star Spangled Banner. Oh, God.

He sings it. Is there music? No, he just sings it a cappella. And then the whole crowd sings it, too. Of course. And then he lays out for a line here and there. It's a church service. It's not a comedy show.

It's a goddamn call to arms. We got to get down to Texas. Take your shirts off and grab your guns. And go down to Texas and protect states' rights. Rio Rancho. They need you. what the fuck derrick's troop goes down there he he answers the call i have no opinion on it yeah no but i do and i'll tell you what uh as soon as i get off of the pod i'm hanging my own dick that's right i've been threatening to blow it off with a gun for years a white rifle

preferably but at this point i'm gonna hang my dick like it was an old outlaw billy the kid's penis billy the dick I'm going to hang my dick like it was an old outlaw. Billy the Kid's penis. Billy the Dick. This is a sling that a dude gave me that he makes him. He's this rando named Roger who almost forced me to take the sling. And this is one of the... And he showed me a video. You know, you can whip shit like a small rock, like 200 miles

an hour with a little sling. You whip it around a couple times and... So I took it. You know, maybe it'll be fun. But yeah, in the meantime, I can auto-erotic asphyxiation my own ass. Yeah, you should ask Creech if she wants to play hangman.

I'm going to hang my gland. Hang gland. I choke it off while I'm choking. And then maybe Creech is choking me. Dude, we bought a lasso today at Big R. So we've been lassoing Kyle. That's been fun. I wish he could have lassoed Creasy.

Oh, we can't. He's too greasy. Tied him down and neutered him. Just burn his balls off. Creasy told me he asked Sarah if he had a good dick, and she said yes. And he was like, awesome. He has a good dick. We've never seen it, haven't we?

Yeah. Well, Danny Maupin saw it and then reported back. That's right. So he had a piece. Oh, hell. Creasy's got a piece on him. Shit. What, in the Sam Hill?

Creasy, who's your friend don't be rude introduce us he's got a half gallon instead of a pint i'll tell you then i didn't know you were bringing your own supper i can't remember did i see his dick or did i not see his dick yet? Remember that story? Yeah, of course. Man, I'm fucking done. I've been laughing so much for the last two days. We had some laughs. Yeah, I miss Stroop, man.

I'd just drive him to Big Lots and then get a puzzle. He'd pat me on the head and say, I'll see you at 5.30 p.m. And I said, you're're gonna be a star one day i just i just hope that you remember me when you're a big star we could do a puzzle at madison square garden one day i would what was i gonna say i'm done i'm fucking stupid i'm sorry you have to perform in 20 minutes yeah our way are you first or is it strew blanford you tonight i'm first because we rotate is blanford always in between no that's good yeah no no sometimes she goes up after the two of yous yeah sometimes she rides the wave

oh hey speaking of riding the wave guys why don't you come out and see old sam t would typically with old nathan lund do stand-up comedy out there on the road everyone huh how's that sound you fucking idiots come on out out. West Nyack, New York. Timonia, Maryland. Phoenix, Arizona. Levittown, New York. Traverse City, Michigan. Fort Worth, Texas.

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Join that damn Patreon. And also, I'm going to have some fucking tour posters that some guy made for me. I'm going to be selling them on the old website there, samtalent.com. Watch the special, share it with your friends. Join the Patreon to make sure Becker keeps alive as long as we got him. We need four stomachs for Becker. He's like a sick cow. That's right.

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