Cox n' Crendor Show - Cox N' Crendor Beta: Friday, January 25th 2013

Episode Date: January 25, 2013

The gift that keeps on giving, gives us one more thing. And it's most likely herpes. Yes, of course we're talking about Florida. Also Crendor shows us all the beauty don'ts that make you go from geek to chic...or whatever the hell people think Cosmo does.

Hello everybody, it's time for Ghost on Trend Dog! Ghost on Trend Dog in the morning. In the morning! Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live! In 4-hour recording studios. Recording! Hit me! Wake your ass up! It's the next Trend Dog in the morning!

Hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me! Ghost on Trend Dog in the morning! Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy stuttering? Speaking of which, it sounded like you were stuttering. That was it. I know you were trying to go for a song. Hello. If anything, I feel like you were maybe the first five minutes of a basketball game. Hello, hello, hello. Hello, hello. Like that. And out of North Carolina,

6'6", something, something, Michael Jordan. I'd like to dedicate today to Coach Ditka for inspiring me. Hello, hello there. Hello there and welcome to Chicago's sports channel. We are going to be talking today about the Bears. The Bears.

You got it down. If I ever show in Chicago. If I ever go to Chicago, if I ever go to Chicago All it's gonna be is me like I like a Polish He like hey hey Johnny this guy wants the Polish sausage. Well, why didn't he say I don't know he said see see I don't know what see see cheese This is like the new RG4. RG4 does not understand sausage.

RG4 just wants to know what it is like to consume human edibles. Oh my god. So speaking of things that will never get old, we return to Florida again today, just when you thought Florida couldn't get any better. Yesterday, we had a good story. But then, I saw this. Naked Florida man jumps off roof onto homeowner, knocks television over,

empties vacuum cleaner, masturbates. For those who missed that headline, again, naked Florida man jumps off roof onto homeowner, comma, knocks television over, comma, empties vacuum cleaner, comma, masturbates. That makes no sense. That can't

only in Florida. That can't be real. So I love this article. It's amazing. It goes, it's never a dull day in Florida, our country's most fantastic state. Of course.

Let's set the scene. It's Monday, January 21st, and an unnamed Fort Myers resident is lying in bed relaxing after a hard day's work. Just after 7 p.m., he hears a noise coming from his roof. He thinks it sounds like thunder. He goes outside to investigate the disturbance when he sees 21-year-old Gregory Matthew Bruni

running on his house. Okay, hold on. I want to picture being in that guy's shoes. Just walking outside. You just see a naked guy running on your roof. He's just running. I imagine he's running in place trying to get, like, a workout. Or in circles. Like, waving his hands in the air. If he's running in circles, that's just running. I imagine he's running in place trying to get a workout. Or in circles.

Like waving his hands in the air. If he's running in circles, that's just as funny. Bruni leaps from the roof, tackling the man. Bruni is naked. From there, Bruni runs into the house, hellbound on destruction. He sees a large television minding his own business and knocks it off the stand. He then spies the vacuum cleaner. How do you terrorize the vacuum cleaner? You don't.

You just empty its contents back onto the floor. And that's what Bruni does. From there, things finally start to get weird. Bruni then headed... Finally. Bruni then headed towards the couple's son's bedroom, where several guns were stored.

So the man's wife fired three warning shots from a.38 revolver at Bruni. The arrest reports say after the shots were fired, Bruni fell to the floor where he then began pleasuring himself. He got up from the floor, ran into the son's bedroom, and began rubbing clothing on his face. Police are called, and they apprehend the flailing, babbling Bruni only after tasering him. Tase him, bro, a cop said. No, he didn't. Bruni is taken to a hospital, but doctors there say they can't identify what drug he's on. The answer is either all of them

or one they've never heard of. Or bath salts. Probably bath salts. Or life. Police charge Bruni with two counts of criminal mischief, battery, occupied burglary, and resisting arrest without violence.

Everyone else in Florida goes to sleep that night, awaiting their turn. Oh my god. I think you had a bad day. I don't know, that guy sounds like he had a really good... Wait, holy crap, this is actually someone named Honey Badger. Thank you, Honey Badger. I imagine he would be the one to point this out,

because he doesn't give a damn. He says, and I quote, the couple's son's bedroom, comma, where several guns were stored? What? If this is a true story, let me guess. These people think they're responsible gun owners. I mean, it is Florida. That actually is a very valid point.

The one room where they store the guns is their baby son's room? Cletus? Where where they store the guns is their baby son's room. Cletus? Where do you store the guns at? Store them in the kid's room. I put them in the crib with the baby. How else is he going to defend himself? He ain't big enough yet.

He can't fight. He's got to use them guns. Holy crap. I like how they also said, they also said when he ran into the house, the TV was minding his own business, like the TV has feelings. The TV's just like,

oh, over here, just minding my own business. And then the vacuum, the vacuum cleaner, like, what's the point? Did he, like, bash some dishes on the ground as well? Like, did he have something against vacuum cleaners? No, he just, he was naked on the roof.

He ran in, said, what can I destroy? Knocked the TV over and then saw a vacuum cleaner and then just emptied it and then went to the son's room again every comment on this article is literally along the lines of the couple's son's bedroom where they keep guns apparently everyone no one cares that a naked man rampaged the house. Everyone's like, I said something a little bit more odd than a rampaging masturbator. Like, this family kept guns where they keep their son. And how did he get on the roof? I don't know.

I don't know. Was he naked before he got on the roof? And then when he jumped off the roof, how did he not hurt himself? He jumped on a man! Just walk outside. Look, look, look. I don't know these things. He just jumped on a man.

A naked man was running on a roof. And that's it. I mean, that's the story. That may be the best story we've ever covered. I feel like we need an entire... We need to find more Florida stories. I feel like Florida is an untapped resource for us to cover. I feel like there's a lot there.

When I get done here, I'm going to go on sort of like a story hunt for Florida. I feel like we're missing out. Good idea. If this is the stuff that gets reported, what doesn't get reported? Exactly. Exactly. Good idea. If this is the stuff that gets reported, what doesn't get reported? Exactly. Exactly. Damn it. I just went to the SoundCloud page and saw freaking Carlos staring at me.

He's like, oh, I should have been naked on the roof. Oh, that was my plan B. Oh, my God. All right. Well, that is an amazing story that I found. But I feel like it's time for us to go to chapter 7 of the Skive with Grendor. Grendor, how's that traffic out there? Traffic today is pretty crazy.

There's a jaguar running down the street. He's chasing a cheetah. And the cheetah's chasing a gazelle. And the gazelle is chasing a naked man who's running down the street. It's pretty amazing. All the traffic has stopped to watch this, and I'm watching it too. It's been apparently going on for 45 minutes,

and the mind robots have just invaded. You know what's funny about that? That actually explains the story of why he's naked on the roof. Because the gazelle was chasing him. Oh, that does make sense. Also, I heard on the radio today that they have a number here in LA that if you call it, they'll text message you every time there's a police chase and tell you what channel to turn on to watch it.

I'm like, yeah, we have that many here that apparently it's now a thing to just sit and watch police chases here in LA. It's great to know. It is. I figured everyone would want to know. You don't even chases here in LA. It's great to know. It is. I figured everyone would want to know. You don't even have to be from LA. You can just, if you want to know what's happening here, just text them, whatever that number is.

I don't remember. All right. Go look it up. Yeah, go look it up. Let's go now to Crendor at the weather desk. Crendor, how's that weather? We're going to be checking out some weather from Swedesburg. I thought you were going to say Sweden for a minute.

I really did. Should we go to Sweden instead? No, Swedesburg is American Sweden, so it's just as good. Oh, that's true. Well, Swedesburg's weather is 10 degrees Fahrenheit. Feels like negative 7. They got some north-northwest winds, 14 miles an hour, gusting to 18. So you got to watch out there.

And 58% humidity. And the pressure's 30.48. Thank God it's not 30.5, because that's really, really when it gets pressuring. That's when the pressure's really on. Yeah. It is. And... Wait, where's Swedesburg again?

Swedesburg is in Iowa. Oh, okay. I didn't hear that part, because I immediately thought of Sweden, and I was like, where is Swedesburg is in Iowa. Oh, okay. I didn't hear that part because I immediately thought of Sweden. I was like, where is Swedesburg? And some trending keywords are snow, overcast, and wind in the Swedesburg area. There are no tweets. Of course not. In this location.

Of course not. Shh. But should I start the conversation? It's telling me to. I think you should tweet something like, Man, tweets... Tweetsburg. Whatever.

Tweetsburg. That's what will happen when you start tweeting. It'll become Tweetsburg because everyone will start tweeting too. Everybody go tweet Swedesburg. Tweet Swedesburg and Earth, Wind, and Fire and see if that gets on there. Be like, Earth, Wind, and Fire is the best. Swedesburg and Earth, Wind, and Fire and see if that gets on there. Be like, Earth, Wind, and Fire is the best. Swedesburg loves them. And then we'll check back tomorrow.

Yeah, do that. Do that. Also, I just want to see you promote Earth, Wind, and Fire and have your parents be like, they're the best. That's it. And then we will control the weather. I feel like we should manipulate the weather. We should use our powers for evil is what I'm saying. And then we will control the weather. I feel like we should manipulate the weather. We should use our powers for evil, is what I'm saying.

The, like, 20 Swedesburg people that live there will go to check the weather, and it's, like, trending earth, wind, and fire. And they're like, oh, minus the apocalypse. So many naked people on rooftops. Crazy. Yelling at the cornfields. All right, now let's talk sports. Sports.

Dwight Howard got injured. It's not very serious, so luckily for him, he can keep being shitty with the Lakers. Ew. And the Cubs signed Scott Hairston. I don't know who that is, but he'll help them continue to lose. He's the fake girlfriend. He's Tao's fake girlfriend. Oh. Yep. So he may not be real. That's why you don't know. He may not be real. He's the fake girlfriend of He's Tao's fake girlfriend Oh Yep

So he may not be real That's why you don't know He may not be real Yeah Here's my favorite part If you're not into sports What I just said was gibberish to you Well the media has played it up enough

That's true That I think most people know If anything That story is nothing more than that kid Who always said he had a girlfriend in Canada In high school Really you should just leave him alone Look he just wanted to be popular I don't know why he couldn't go out He's nothing more than that kid who always said he had a girlfriend in Canada in high school. Really, you should just leave him alone.

Look, he just wanted to be popular. I don't know why he couldn't go out and just find a girl. Because he is a football player and, like, semi-famous. So, why he wasn't, like, face first and vagina, I don't know. But, whatever. Good points. Good points. Thank you.

Also, the Jets are exploring the Revis trade market. Just thought everyone should know that. Good, because that's important. And what if the fake girlfriend is the real girlfriend? It's not. But she is in a different dimension than Tao. Damn it, David Lynch. Not now. This is sports.

Because Tao's last name is so odd. It is true. His last name seems like a character in a Michael Jackson music video. It does. Tao, Moonwalker. Tao, Tao. I said Tao. As a fake girlfriend and she don't exist.

But maybe. David Lynch! Clown party! Oh, amazing. David Lynch, you are a masterful creator of nonsense. Masterful. Alright, well let's move

on to our big news story of the day. Big news story. Uh, today I decided that we should have some fun and go to Cosmo again. That is the gift that keeps on giving. It is. And we got some weird beauty trends we won't be trying. Well, how do they know if it's bad if they don't try it? I don't know. We're going to find out. Yes, it is Cosmo. They judge everything without even having it. Look, we don't really know about it, but we're judging it. Yeah.

Yeah. Uh, number one, crystallized lips. I'm sorry, what? Crystallized lips. That sounds very painful. We're all for glittery gloss, but when the crystals are big enough to resemble ice chips, it just makes you look

really, really cold. Weird. Also, how would making out work? Okay, okay, hold up. A long time ago, I might have to find this picture. If I can't find it, just use your mind. If I can't find it, we'll put it as the image for this episode. There is, I was like going through, oh god like just it was a news article and

it's talking about like the top oh my god so you have to forgive me for being immediately attracted to this but it's like the top 10 most seductive ads or whatever and i don't know what the ad was for and i don't even remember but it was this woman with like sugar crystals on her lips like licking her lips and And I was like, hello. That was like, it combined two of my favorite things, sweets and lips. But you don't remember what it was for. No, not really. So the advertisement was completely useless.

A lot of advertisements are, but that one, it could have been for like kitten murders. And I would have bought it. I would have bought a kitten murder machine. That's what the sugar company should have used as their commercial. I think it was for, like, one of those fake sweeteners or something. But I don't remember. I don't remember. So, yeah.

But it's like sugar lips. Like, hey there, sugar lips. No cereal coming this fall. Sugar lips. That creepiest cereal ever. They're like little lips that have sugar all over them. They're just like, well, I might want some sugar lips. Well, we have come up with a horrible idea.

I think we do that every day. That's true. This podcast was one of them. Ayo. Ayo. Ayo. All right, let's continue, please. Number two is demon eyes. Oh, yeah, these are a little weird.

I can agree with that. It's where you go way overboard on the eyeliner, and you just have a bunch of, like, black eyeliner all around your eyes. I was way off on what I thought that was. I thought demon eyes was one, like, you put in the contacts that make you look like a crazy demon. I didn't think it was just like outlining your eyes in black. Like, look,

sometimes a little dark on the eyes is a little sexy there, ladies. I'm just saying. Well, it looks like she's a raccoon. Well, you know what? After yesterday, I have a feeling some people want to bang raccoons, so do whatever makes you happy. Valid point. But what if she puts demon eye contacts in while she has that? Well, then she's nuts.

She's clearly crazy. Okay. There we go. We found her. There's the line. There's the line. Number three is Groucho Brows. What?

Groucho Brows. Look at this woman. She has Groucho Brows. Wow. Holy crap. That woman has massive eyebrows. Okay, she also looks like she is some kind of caveman. Like, she has that caveman look to her. Alright, for people who can't see this, her eyebrows are ginormous.

Just huge. And I guess, ladies, there's a, ladies, there's a fine line between letting them grow, like, naturally and ending up like this and the ones where you pick them all out and you have to draw them back on. Just, there's a nice middle ground there. Don't go overboard.

It's the equivalent of the guy that just let his beard go. He wants to be Santa, but it's not quite there and it just makes him look like he's homeless. Yes, yes. There to be Santa, but it's not quite there, and it just makes him look like he's homeless. Yes, yes. There's that fine line where it's like,

okay, look, the beard's a little too much. Time to trim it down a bit. That's this woman. She's definitely taking care of her face and body and everything. She's just like, F it. I'm proud of my eyebrows. Dear, dear sweet princess, of all the things in your life, that is the least you should be proud of anything.

Those eyebrows are horrifying. They are quite horrifying. But she's a model. Like, she's a legit model. That's true. She is. I don't under... That's so weird. Like, you figure somewhere in her life someone would...

Like, one of those model agency people who has no soul would have told her like, shave your eyebrows, sweetheart. Being in LA. You would have thought. You would think that. I guess she's, she's like, my eyebrows are big and I'm bold

and proud of it. I guess, I don't know. You should have your own advice column. I should. I should. I'm a catty bitch. Holy crap. You should have a 15 second segment

where it's just called the Jesse Cox advice segment of the day. All it is is just, like, really mean-spirited stuff. Just, like, listen. I don't even know. Ear hair is not sexy, boys. So buy some tweezers and yank that crap out. All right, continuing on, please.

Number four is hairstyle overload. Top knots are adorable. Accent braids rock. Side swept bangs are irresistible. Altogether, it's downright distracting. Pick a style. Look, the fact that women are allowed to do stuff with their hair is good. Guys, we get two options.

You're a long hippie or you cut it down to the point where there's no hair. That's it. Those are your options. That's it. You want long or short. Really, that's it. You go to a barber, and they're like,

you want it long or you want it short? And then you can get a mohawk if you want. Yeah, but even then, that's like, you know, do you want it long or short? It's like, well, I want it long, but like spiked up in a way. It's like, all right, long. Yeah, no, so it's like, you want it long on the top, and you want it long or short? It's like, well, I want it long, but like spiked up in a way. It's like, all right, long.

Yeah, no, so it's like you want it long on the top and you want it short on the sides. Gotcha. You can't do like the super knot or something. Yeah, guys don't do that. If you do, you know, you're most likely a samurai. And then your sword starts glowing. They're here. Did you return that sword?

Not yet. I'm lazy. It's still downstairs. They just keep coming every day. Just keep fighting them off. The Yakuza forces shall keep returning. Is that your Yakuza voice? Your Yakuza voice is very similar to your Polish sausage voice.

The Yakuza forces will keep attacking your house. You don't give that sword back. Right there. Holy see. Or if the bears don't win the Super Bowl. Oh, my God. Okay. Itty bitty bangs.

We're mad about bangs right now, but these ridiculously short, choppy ones just look silly. It's just this woman with, like, really short bangs, and it looks kind of weird, because she has a big forehead. So it's really not about the bangs, it's about it's the bang-to-forehead ratio. Ladies. Yeah. It is. Like, if you,

like, yeah, like, I put my finger over her forehead, and then it's kind of like it looks normal. Right? It's that forehead-to-bang ratio. She just needs really longer bangs. Yeah. I like how we're giving fashion advice and, like, hairstyle advice. Like I said, we're...

Like, listen, we know everything. We know everything. That's why we can read Cosmo and judge it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we're experts. We can say that with some certainty, I think. Mm-hmm.

Number six is oil overload. Dewy is sexy. Greased up locks and oil slick skin is gross. Vaseline is fab in small doses, ladies. All right, first off, I would not even agree with that. Like, cover yourself in Vaseline, ladies. No, no, no. Oily is never good

unless it's like you have a tarp on the ground and you're like, hey, oil me up. Oh, speaking of oiling me up, so I went down a dark path the other day. After our discussion about the cuddle cafes in Japan, I looked up, I typed that in because I was like,

I need to know more about this. This is nuts. And I ended up on a Wikipedia page for Japanese sex culture. Check this out. I learned something that I did not know. Prostitution is illegal in Japan. But prostitution is only defined as intercourse. We're getting a little technical here, folks. So apparently doing it is illegal.

But everything else is perfectly okay. So, in order to circumvent the illegality, Japanese, like, brothels are insane! Apparently, there are several different types for

several different things, and one of them is it's like a something bowl, like a soap bowl, soap barn, soap something, where women oil themselves up or lather themselves with soap and just rub all over you. So men lay down, men lay down on, like, a tarp, and beautiful women, like, soap themselves up and just rub on you and that's it. Like that's, it's not, it is crazy. That sounds like something that would be in Japan. Apparently it like runs the gambit. Everything, if you can think of something insane, they'll do it, but you can't have sex. Like look, look, I can't have sex with you, but we'll do everything else so

Yeah Rub your soapy. I'm gonna rub your soapy. I just thought I thought one that's insane and two I need to go to Japan Experience that kind of a thing like I'm gonna rub my soapy body on you like what if after a while I just be like look look, you can stop. Nothing can happen. You can't do anything. You just sit there and they rub their soapy bodies on you and then they're like, alright, thanks. See you later. Do you have to take a shower afterwards

to be clean? I don't know how it works. It doesn't make any sense, but I feel like it's something that at least once in your life at least there needs to be a video of such a thing, right? I just need to see it. See it. I don't understand why. Like, you don't, I don't get you.

I don't get you, Japan. That's on the tombstone. I don't get you, Japan. Great quote. Jesse Cox, 2013. Number seven is Silver Strands. It was a mod chic on Andy and Eddie in the 60s, but these days silvery gray hairspray only looks old.

It wants to be prematurely gray. Like, like, rogue? Or are they talking about, like, gray? I guess she has white hair. Yeah. So. I don't know. Well, it's like silver.

It's like whitish grayish silver. It's like a combo. How crazy is that that with women they're like whitish, grayish silver. It's like a combo. How crazy is that that with women, they're like, ugh, gray, disgusting. With men, if you have a little streak of gray, you're refined and really, you have that weird old sexy. Women, it's like, ew, gray. Men, you have like, mm, yes, I've made it in the world.

My little streak of gray. They even have stuff They even have hair like dye for men That gives you streaks of grey Is that gonna be Your book you write The two shades of grey Brown and grey

The two shades of grey The least sexy book ever written. It's just like two pages, or like one page. It's just like, he had brown hair and a streak of grey to show that he had been through life. It was attractive, and he

made reasonably well. He made love to me reasonably well. But that was about it. Then we went our separate ways. The end. The end. Yep, that's it. That's the book.

Wonderful. That'd sell billions. Mm-hmm. Finally, the V part. Uh-huh. This totally bizarre Triangled shaped part Gets points for In

Ingenuity Ingenuity Wow that's a Scarce word It is a very Scarce word Uh But we wouldn't be

Caught dead wearing Wearing it It looks like she's From Star Trek Hold on I need to See a picture of this Hold on there you go What does this girl Look like Oh my god She does look's from Star Trek Hold on, I need to see a picture of this What does this girl look like?

Oh my god, she does look like from Star Trek Alright, so I'm trying to imagine, if you will You part your hair, one side goes left One side goes right, and then in the middle You part that part back So it forms like you have two parts in your hair That go back like a V

It's very bizarre Why is it all the crazy hairstyles and crazy outfits and crazy things are given to the models who look like normal girls, but all the super stick figure creepy models are the ones who wear the normal clothes? What is happening here? Well, that's because they're the trends.

They won't be trying. Oh, so I'm mocking them. Like, ah, she's normal. Yeah. Exactly. That's what LA does. Yeah, that's what LA does. All right, ah, she's normal. Yeah. Exactly. That's what L.A. does. That's what L.A. does. All right.

I guess that's it. Ladies and gentlemen, we will be back Monday for our amazing Monday show. Hope to see you then. And as always, to be continued. We'll see you next time.