Cox n' Crendor Show - Cox N' Crendor Beta: Monday, January 21st 2013

Episode Date: January 21, 2013

Today, we learn about Jesse's strange package, as well as things guys say to their girlfriends. Also Crendor tells you why Hockey is the best and why it's always colder in Russia. All this and a story about donkey porn, on this episode of Cox n' Crendor in the morning!

Hey there guys, it's Jesse. It's Monday. Unfortunately, Crendor and I are away today. We are recording something pretty awesome. We'll talk about it later this week, but we can't right now. So, that's a thing. However, because of problems with SoundCloud, we do have Friday's episode for you. So, I guess it all works out. Just pretend like it's Friday, even though it's Monday. It'll make the week go by faster. Or depress you. Enjoy.

Even though it's Monday, it'll make the week go by faster or depress you enjoy Studio Orange, recording! Hit me! Wake your ass up! It's up next Friday morning! Hit me! Hit me! Hit me! It's Friday! It's Friday! Hello everybody, welcome back. It is Friday. Yeah, it's the day of the fry. Mmm, fry.

Anything really, anything. In America, we think of French fries. In Norway, they think of fish fries because they like fish. Uh-huh. And? And. Go on. And then in New England, they think of frying eggs because they like eggs. New England specifically? Yeah.

Is that a thing? Is that a real thing, or are you just making that up? I don't know. You're the one that's, like, from New York. That's kind of by New England specifically? Yeah. Is that a thing? Is that a real thing, or are you just making that up? I don't know. You're the one that's, like, from New York. That's kind of by New England. No, that is not New England, though. Well, you're closer than I am. Well, I'm not there now. I'm in the exact opposite part of the country. Yeah, but you were there. Yeah, but look, things change in a year.

Yeah. Yeah. Things change. Maybe now they're into kimchi and eating day-old pizza. I don't know. Actually, everyone's eating. Everyone likes day-old pizza. That's just a thing. You make a valid point.

That might be an international thing. We can all sit down at the table of brotherhood and work out all of our problems with just a bunch of day-old pizzas. Everyone. I'd rather have fresh pizzas, but day-old pizzas would work. But that's one thing people can agree on, right? If everyone got pizza, it would be like, okay, meh, all right, we'll fight over toppings. But if you have day-old pizza, it really doesn't matter because everyone's like, you know what? It tastes the same.

It goes down the same. We get everyone drunk the night before. At that point, they don't care. Day-old pizza, cold pizza. I think we've just had a David Lynch breakthrough. We have solved all the world's problems, really. We really have. I think.

That's how we solve all the world's problems in two minutes. You're welcome, world. So speaking of problems, I have one. I have a minor problem. So today I go to my PO box, there's only one thing in there, and it's a note that says, Long package. I'm like, okay.

So I go up to the postal clerk, and I'm like, Yeah, I have a long package. And the guy looks at me and, like, stutters. He's like, hee-hee. And he walks away. All right, sir, I'll go get your package. He comes back with this giant, giant box. And it's long and slim.

And he's like, by the way, all the innuendo is right there. But he brings this thing back. And he's like, here you go. So I take it home. And I open this thing up. And inside, it's like this carefully wrapped. I can't even see what it is. I have to cut it open.

There's like foam and everything. And I open it up. And it's a giant carefully wrapped, I can't even see what it is, I have to cut it open, there's like foam and everything, and I open it up, and it's a giant katana. Massive. Huge katana. And on the front of it, it doesn't say who it's from, it doesn't say,

I'm looking like, who is this from? What is, who would send me this? And I pop it open, right, I look at like the, I don't even know what you would call 90% of the stuff on this katana, the scabbard, the holster, whatever that thing is.

I open that up and inside it looks like amazing looking, but it also looks like rustic. And I was like, wait, is this a real weapon? Like did someone send me a real weapon? So I went on, I went to Twitter and was like, Hey, uh, how can can I tell this is a legit katana and they're like take a magnet stick it to it if it's if it sticks You know it's at least steel so you know it's not a cheapo So I put a magnet near it and it sticks right to it. It's like damn, so now we know it's not cheap But is it made in a factory or is it made wherever else so I go to look at the package again to see where it Came from and on the package again to see where it came from. And on the package it says

it doesn't say where it's from, it just says an address but it doesn't say who sent it. But then I finally, for the first time, eight hours after receiving the package, see it say it's addressed to my PO box put to someone with a totally different name. So I think what happened is that they just sent it to the wrong

address and that was never meant for me. So I have some guy's katana just sitting in my living room and I don't know what to, I clearly am going to have to repackage it and send it back. Like, I would feel bad because I, you know, I hate when my stuff gets lost and the people keep it. And it's like, I have to fight with the company.

They're like, we'll arrive, sir. Right? So I'm like, alright. Dammit, I'm going to go back and be like, look, they sent it to the wrong address. But at the same time, it's so cool looking. It's so cool looking. It's really depressing. So now I have to find a way to, like, repackage all of it. And the best part was it's so cryptic.

Until I saw that name, I mean, I could be wrong. That could be who sent it. Right? Because the address slip is so wonky. It's, like, in Japanese. And I can't read could be wrong. That could be who sent it, right? Because the address slip is so wonky. It's like in Japanese, and I can't read any of it. But there's a name above my address. So I assume that's who they thought they were sending it to. I assume. I don't know.

Well, what's the name? Does it say, like, Japanese letters? No, it's like Marcus something. But it's to my P.O. box. Address, everything's correct, but it's just to some dude named, like, Marcus. Are you sure your name isn't Marcus? David Lynch, not now. So, I mean, inside there was a note.

It was a handwritten note. A dude, like, thumb printed it, like a master blacksmith probably, like, made this thing. Thumb printed it. That's like a wax seal. Wrote a note. Seriously, it's like a legit note in Japanese made this thing, thumb printed it, wrote a note, seriously it's like a legit note in Japanese, I have no clue what it says, and it was wrapped up around the sword.

And I pull it off and I'm looking at it, and today I had Josh IndyStatic, he runs a YouTube channel called IndyStatic, he came over and when he was over here, we were looking at it and he couldn't figure it out. He's like, I don't know what this is, dude. I cannot read any of this. He's like, do you even know what this is, dude. I cannot read any of this. He's like, do you even know Japanese?

He's like, no. I was like, why would you try? Did you take a picture of the note and then put it on Twitter for people to translate? No, I didn't. I should do that. But at the same time, it doesn't matter because I have a feeling it isn't meant for me. That's true. So, you know, I probably need to rewrap everything.

But I was so excited. For like eight hours, I had a weapon. What if it's meant for the Japanese government? What if it's meant for some dude in the Yakuza? What if it's an Yakuza assassin blade? Look, if we don't have a podcast Monday, it is because

the Yakuza got me. Not because I'm lazy. I want to make that very clear. I want to make that very clear. The Yakuza came to get me. Until I had this, if you've asked me, how do you feel about people who own samurai swords and things like that? I would be like, posers. Now that I have one, I'm like, yes!

Bring on all the zombies! What if? Uh-huh. Okay, what if? I'm what-iffing. What if Uh huh Okay What if I'm what if-ing What if this samurai sword Yeah Was sent to you

Uh huh By Marcus That's what I would think But if you look at it like an American address It's clearly addressed to Marcus No but this is an American I know She's clearly not American

But with a name like Marcus, you better be an American. I don't know very many, like, Japanese dudes named Marcus. That's racist. I'm sorry. There's, look, I'm willing to look into, I will go find, like, the Tokyo directory and be like, Marcus, and then I will go talk

to each of them personally, and I guarantee they will be, like, transplantees to Japan. There's no one there named Marcus. I'm gonna go out on a limb. I'm gonna hedge my bets on this one. I feel like we should now have everyone go look up how many Japanese people are named Marcus.

I'm letting you know right now. If one exists, it's a rarity, and he's shunned. He just wanted to be a member of their society. Yeah, well tough. Tough ta-tas. There. Done. Deal with it. You went there.

You went there. I didn't think you were gonna but then you did. That's how we are on this show. It's Friday, man. Our gloves are off. We go all the places you don't think we're gonna go on Friday. Because we've already been there. Wow.

Wow. It's Friday. We stopped trying. Oh, we stopped trying earlier this week. That's for sure. We stopped trying a long time ago. So, yeah, that was it. That was my special day, and I was kind of disappointed by it.

But what are you going to do? What are you going to do? So, although, after receiving it, shortly after receiving it, I received a note on my door from a place called Japan Best Free Delivery. Apparently they have superb Japanese cuisine.

Coincidence? I know! They're going to come back tomorrow. I probably should put this back on my front door because they're going to come back tomorrow and be like, he's inside. He took the bait. But, I mean, come on. I get free fried banana with a purchase of $20 or more.

The katana is going to start glowing blue like the orc sword. If Japanese people are nearby. There are Asians nearby. There are Asians nearby. Whoop, whoop, whoop. That is the most racist sword. I didn't make it up. Yeah, so I can get a free fried banana with a purchase of $20 or more.

That's a really good deal if I love bananas and frying them. I like how even at Japanese restaurants, like, hey, we're going to fry some bananas. Look, our entire day came full circle. It did. It really did. First 10 minutes of this thing, boom, we put it all together. Wait, when you fry a banana,

I assume they do it like plantains where they no, no, no, like they take the banana and they mash it down. Like they take the banana, cut it into pieces, mash those pieces Down, and then fry them so it looks Kind of like a chip, I would assume Look, I don't know how, I don't know how they do it Now I'm interested, what if they just

Fried the whole banana, and then you peeled The fried banana Well, next time you're out here, we'll specifically Order $20 worth of food from this Japanese place Fight them off with this sword, because Now I'm going to keep it, because it glows. And then we'll steal off their corpses the fried banana, and we'll see what it's like. Sounds magical.

It does sound magical. We just admitted to wanting to pay for food and then murder the people who delivered it. I didn't. You did. You're there. You're an accomplice. If anything, when the cops come cops come I'm pointing finger at you I'll be the first to talk. He did it officer. I'll be like listen. You're looking for Marcus. It's not me

Marcus was the one they'll go back and look at all the mailing records and we'll see that Marcus had it shipped to him Yep, holy crap. We have crime and then samurai, a ghost samurai will appear out of nowhere. And he'll be like, I am Marcus. And then he takes the sword and walks out. Through the wall. And the sword vaporizes with him. And then the ghost adventure people run in. They're like, dude, saw a ghost in here, man.

He's like, this is where Marcus walked through the wall. I'm going to now attempt to walk through the wall just like Marcus did. He starts screaming at the wall. What the hell at the wall get out of that wall Marcus we know you're here I'm like no I'm not coming out that is the single best TV show. The other day I was watching some of that. They're on, like, an island, and it's in Italy or somewhere. I don't remember where it is, but they're on an island. It's like an insane asylum on an island. And the one douchey guy out of the three, the douchiest of the three douchey guys,

gets, like, possessed. And it's the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. He's like, I can't control that. It's like, whoa. This is the part of the episode where I was possessed by a ghost. Watch closely as my anger takes over my body. That's just roid rage. Yeah.

All right, that's it for that. We need to move on. We're running out of time. It's a Friday show. We're running out of time. We got to move on. Now let's go to chapter 7 of the sky We're running out of time. It's the Friday show. We're running out of time. We gotta move on. Now let's go to chapter seven of the sky for Crendor and traffic.

How's that traffic out there, buddy? It's a Friday show. Everybody's going downtown for Friday. Is that it? Yeah. Great. I'm glad you brought him back. It's Friday.

I don't like working the air on Friday. No shit. Now let's go over to Crendor at the weather desk. Crendor, what's going on in the weather? Well, in the weather today, I thought we'd go overseas again. Ooh, nice. We haven't been there for a while. We're going to go to Russia.

Russia? I think it's cold where you are today. How about Zablacki, Russia, where right now it's negative. Zablacki, Russia. It's negative 36 degrees Fahrenheit. Negative 36 degrees Fahrenheit. Which would mean Celsius, it's like negative 1,000. It's like Uranus over there. It's frozen as Uranus

It has a negative 43 degree dew point I don't know what that means But it sounds really bad It sounds like if you take a piss You'll have icicles That's probably what would happen That is amazing I don't even know where this is

This is just like in the middle of Russia. Zablaki, Russia sounds like it's somewhere really good. This is like where Napoleon died. Polish sausage. I've been working on it. This is where Napoleon died because he didn't have Polish sausage. Napoleon was like, oh, oh, oh, give me the Polish sausage. They're like, no, Napoleon, it's pronounced Polish sausage.

Sausage. And he died. He died of being unable to pronounce it. It's Polish sausage. I'm sorry. Whatever. Sausage. Polish sausage.

You'll get it right one day. One day. All right. And? We'll be like three months later. You're just like, Polish sausage. And I'll be like right one day. One day. All right. And? We'll be like three months later. You're just like, I'll never get it right. We'll see.

She'll be like, damn it. It's been three months. That's weather. All right. Now let's talk some sports with Crendor at the sports desk. Well, we got some exciting news.

This weekend, hockey returns. Finally, after the longest, like, strike, lockout, whatever, in the world. Yep. Pretty the longest, like, strike, lockout, whatever, in the world.

Yep. Pretty much the NHL and the players, people, were all like, hey, we finally can come to an agreement. And by the NHL, it was, like, three owners out of, like, the 30 teams that were just like, we own all of our cities. And we have, apparently it's, like, the hockey teams in the south because nobody watches hockey down there. So they were all going bankrupt. And because of that, they wanted to take more money from all the teams. And then the teams making money were like, no. So they were like, why don't you just move the southern teams to Canada or something?

Man, those Canadians love that hockey. I'm not gonna hate them for it when the canadians i believe they won during the last olympics i'm not gonna hate them for that they deserve they deserve that win i used to not like hockey and then the blackhawks got good and i was like oh it's actually pretty fun to watch hockey because it's like soccer except everyone's on ice skates and they hit each other it's really enjoyable to watch simply because it's just sort of fast-paced and violent.

And I like how they're like, we have to tone down the violence. Like, bitch please! That's why I watch. That's why everyone watches. They're just like, oh, he got hit. And then they just fight each other. I mean, especially here now in LA, which you'd think would be really weird. The driest place in like the freaking

world. LA is huge into hockey now because of the Kings. Since they won, it's all about that. Last year during E3, which is the Electronics Entertainment Expo, the big sort of video game awesome show, that was when the Kings were playing, I believe. And it was the Stanley Cup, or maybe it was just the playoffs, I don't know. But the combination of E3 and the Kings game was ludicrous. There was nowhere to move. The entire downtown LA was just a mass of people.

It was a sight to behold. And since they won, now LA is all on board. It's basically the replacement for the awful lakers makes sense yeah that's what happened with chicago like everybody in chicago had awful sports teams and then the blackhawks finally won and then everyone's like yeah hockey it was an awesome thing though when they won the stanley cup there's one guy who he blocked a shot with his face like a slap shot and he lost seven teeth i saw that he came back in and played i was like wow that is amazing that's hockey yeah my my dad is a huge fan of all pittsburgh sports so he is i'm sure excited about the penguins playing again

although they haven't been good since lemieux. Yep. Since Lemieux and Yager. Yama Yager. Crosby can't win. Crosby's good. Crosby's good. I like how right now there's some dude who's never heard of hockey and doesn't know what. Crosby's good, but he's no Lemieux.

He's no Mario. Super Mario. If you don't like sports, if there's one sport you watch, it would probably be hockey just because it's the most exciting. It's very fun. Yeah. It's very, yeah. It's not like basketball where they got fouls and whatever, like football where they take 30 seconds or baseball where they like take forever. It's just like constantly moving, constant like hitting and bashing. And if there's a penalty or whatever, they just like yank a guy and they're like, all right, now you got four people, which is an amazing concept.

I love that idea look you screwed up so now instead of five you get four deal with a dick okay and then everyone just like bashes the glass at the guy sitting in the box and they're just like oh you suck yeah that's sports all right yeah i'm excited about that now let's get to the big news story of the day what What's up, bro? Well, I got two cuz one is short. Okay. Well, you might not say it's short. Well, you could Well, it deals with measurement subway footlongs coming up short Subways 12 inch sandwich is measured at only 11 inches So a guy took a picture of it, put it on the internet. I guess it's shrewd marketing or at least what most companies do where after a certain period of time, they always reduce the quantities.

example, in bags of cereal, the box will be the same size as it always was, but they'll shrink the amount of actual cereal in it by, I don't know how much, by like, let's say like an eighth. But because the box looks the same, you'll just be like, oh, okay. But it's all air in a bag. Uh, if you buy bags of chips, it's the exact same thing. Yeah, it happens a lot with chips. You're like, oh, look at this bag! And then you open it and they're like buried a fourth of the way down. Yeah, it's that kind of... Pretzels, I think, are the only thing where I believe the bag size. Because pretzels are never like that. You open a bag and they're like up to the top.

Pretzels. Pretzel Companies of America, you're doing it right. Yeah, Pretzel Companies, send us pretzels. Send us pretzels. I love pretzels. All pretzels. Chip Companies, you have let me down. Chips are for squares, man. Yeah, chips are for squares.

It's chip to be square. Like that one. Like that. I made it up on my own. That was wonderful. All right. Well, that doesn't surprise me. I'm not going to say that I'm surprised by that.

Subway is a company that prides itself on being fresh, yet everything that it has there is produced in a factory. Now, mind you, it's better fast food than, say, McDonald's, but it's still fast food. You're better off going to the grocery store, buying lettuce, buying

meat from the deli, buying cheese and bread and making your own damn sandwich. If you want to eat for a week at the same price, sure. Then that's probably what you want to do. But if you want a quick sandwich with like, they do have a creamy sriracha sauce now. So I can't hate them for that. It is spicy and tangy and delicious.

They say it's fresh because they have all their packaged stuff in the back and then then they load up all the bins, and then it looks fresh because you're picking it out. I mean, I'm sure it's fresh by the United States government standards of what fresh means. Yeah. Like lawyer standards. The United States government also says that meat can have a certain amount of pig anus in it. Oh, speaking of pig anus, whoa, whoa. Did you see this article? Whoa, did you see this article?

It's amazing. Okay, so this guy who has a pig farm, right? He is loading his pigs off at the place where they slaughter pigs so that, you know, they can be eaten as bacon or ham or whatever. Whatever pork chops, whatever millions of glorious things come from a pig. Turns out there's a million in one because he goes to the back, right? Because while they're unloading, he's got free time, so he just starts wandering around. He goes to the back and finds a box, right? More like a bin labeled calamari, and it's where they put pig anuses.

He inquires about it. He actually filed a report with the federal government. He inquired about it, and the guy who ran the factory said we ship those to uh frozen food manufacturers because it's cheaper than actual calamari so they take pig rectum cut it into calamari shapes and then deep fry it if you like frozen food calamari and it may even be like restaurants buca de pepa or. I'm not saying they have it, but I know the last time I was there, the people I was with, we got fried calamari. And it was delicious, but now I can't help but wonder, like, was that pig rectum?

Well, if it was cow rectum, it would be cow-lamari. I'm not even gonna justify it. Ah! So yeah, that was actually, it's a legit thing. Apparently this guy discovered that they're using pig rectum for calamari. Well, we all learned something today. Here's the thing though, I really don't care.

I've eaten some strange things to come off a pig. When you've had pig's feet, it really doesn't matter at that point. I mean, if it tastes good, it's not going to kill you. If you've eaten hot dogs, you've eaten the ass of some kind of animal. Mm-hmm. Hot dog is ass and hooves. Ass and hooves. That's a hot dog.

The other story I had is from one of our greatest sites, Cosmo. Yes. And it's an article called Shit My Guy Says. So basically, it's the article called Shit My Guy Says. So basically it's the internet YouTube meme, but like five months too late. Yeah. Here's one. My man and I were out for a romantic brunch at this nice restaurant. My man and I.

Uh-huh. We're out for a romantic brunch at this nice restaurant when he ordered a fruit parfait. When he was finished, he said, it would have been better without the cantaloupe and antelope. Turns out he meant honeydew. It doesn't sound like that's stuff a man would say. It sounds like you dated an idiot. He was probably

really good looking because that's the only way he can get away with something that stupid. Who would call a melon an antelope? An idiot. Yeah. Yeah, an idiot. An idiot would do that. Like, if I was eating with someone and they were like, oh, man, this cantaloupe and antelope taste awful, I'd be like, are you stupid?

If I had said that, my immediate reaction afterwards would be like, get it? It's a joke. Like, try to cover up the fact that I'm a dumbass. Yeah. Like, I know it's a honeydew. I'm just playing. It rhymes. I make, like, a little like, get it? I'm trying to be silly. And then she'd be like, oh know it's a honeydew. I'm just playing. It just rhymes. I make like a little like, get it? I'm trying to be silly.

And then she'd be like, oh, Jesse, you're an idiot. And then we move on and I never have to address it again and it wouldn't end up in a stupid Cosmo article. Here's another one. We were in bed hooking up. I was shirtless, but with my bra still on. I was shirtless, but with my bra still on.

Instead of taking my bra off, my boyfriend folded down the cup, revealing my nipple, and exclaimed, Peek-a-boob. What a mood killer. Okay, the guys they're dating have to be, like, 16. I know. This, you know, I wonder if these are all women who dated the guys from the Ghost Adventure. That seems like something that guy would do, like, peek a boob. He calls my boobs beerbs because when I gain weight, I get bigger boobs instead of a beer belly.

That's also dumb. My ex asked, did you know that glass is made out of water? Jesus. No wonder women think men are idiots. Because the ones they date are dumb as shit. These guys, oh my God. He said, baby, I want to try something. Can I dump oatmeal on you and eat it off your boobs?

Now, okay, that sounds pretty reasonable. Look, I'm not going to fault the guy for that. That sounds like, I mean, you know, you just cup those things together and just eat it like a bowl. Here's another stupid one. I told my guy I was coloring my hair a plum color and he thought it would make my hair smell like a plum.

Well, she did say plum color. I mean, I'm not going to fault the guy for that one. When it's food related, when it's color. I mean, I'm not going to fault the guy for that one. When it's food related, when it's food and body related, I'm not going to fault the guy. Just say purple. I would imagine she's using plum shampoo as well. But, with that said, we can no longer then call it orange drink or purple drink.

It is grape drink from now on. Whoa, whoa. Just to solve any confusion, no, we have to concede that. We as men must concede that it's called grape drink. If women must call, they have to say, look, I'm dyeing my hair purple rather than plum. I'm just saying, look, it's compromise. It's compromise. Might as well just give up a whole part of me.

Sorry, man. You have to give up that grape drink. See? See what I'm doing? I'm not even calling it purple drink. He once told me my eyes were beautiful green like the Exorcist. I imagine that movie really turns him on.

Yeah. Look at her head spin. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's pea soup flying everywhere. He says, I hear circus music in my head during and after sex. Okay.

Okay. I have an amazing story. Okay. And I'm not sure. So back in college, Friday at like 4 a.m., after you got back from just like drinking heavily, all the guys on my floor, because our floor was like an open, like everyone was friends with everyone. This one dude had a computer hooked up to a TV. And so we'd always go over there. And there was a special file server system for the entire university where people could load in anything people at our school would

Put videos on there, and it was always like just dirty dirty porn like not just porn But the kind of porn that you scars you for life porn right and so one time after heavily drinking We end up in this guy's dorm room, and he's like hey And so one time after heavily drinking, we end up in this guy's dorm room, and he's like, Hey, let's look at this server and check some stuff out. So we're all sitting around, beers in hand, like half-passed out, watching the raunchiest things I've ever seen in my life. And it was so weird, because I never really... I don't get how a bunch of dudes can sit around watching porn together, especially weird porn. And they're like, oh my my God, it's nasty.

In my mind, it was going, we are family. And I don't know why. To this day, it was still a weird situation. And I just would drink and I'd just be like, that's definitely a thing. But in my mind, it would be like, we are family. I feel like it was me trying to cope with the situation, but it just happened. That is a great story. And it's the perfect way to end, really.

It really is. It really is. All right, guys, that's it for Friday. We will be back Monday with another amazing show. Thank you all for listening. Thank you. And as always, to be continued.