Cox n' Crendor Show - Cox N' Crendor Beta: Tuesday, January 1st

Episode Date: January 1, 2013

Do you like Jimmy Buffet? You won't after this show! Also Jesse and Crendor make English and then proceed to tell you how NOT to get sold into sex slavery! It's a new year, with the same non content.

Hello everybody, it's time for Ghost on Trend Dog! This is Trend Dog in the morning. In the morning! Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live! In 4-hour recording studios! Recorded! Wake your ass up! It's the next Trend Dog in the morning! Hello, it's in the morning! Up and up, next friend in the morning!

Hello, it's the new year. Happy new year, where the fiscal cliff has done something. I think it was averted. Although I'm not sure that it was. They agreed to agree to not go over the cliff, yet I think we did. Oh. I don't know how, look, I don't know how government works. I assume something happened. They were just like, you know what, what if we

just don't have it? That sounds like a really good idea. Good work, Mr. President, you saved the day. That's how you do it. That is how government works. Then they all shake each other's hands and walk out on vacation. Oh, government.

You are a mockery. I was going to sing a New Year's song, but you ruined it. Oh, you can sing it now. I don't remember the lyrics. It was going to sing a New Year's song, but you ruined it. Oh, you can sing it now. I don't remember the lyrics. It was going to be good. It was going to be like, New Year's is a time for life or something. It's a time for life. It's a time for life.

That's life. Any New Year's resolutions? I thought we'd be dead from the Mayan robots, so I did not make any resolutions. Oh, that is a shame. Well, make one now. Make a New Year's resolution right now. It's something that has to be important enough for you not to stick to three months down the road. That's a good point.

I plan to create high-quality content. Good, good. You cannot stick to that. I think you won't. I always tell people that because of my editing style, which is like a really bad editing style, people are like, wow, I love your style. I'm like, really?

It's just because one day I was like, I really like writing WoW videos and stuff, but I don't really like editing, so I'm just going to do what I want. And I just like crappily throw things together. Like, oh, the screen the kind of looks good and then people like wow this style is amazing then if I try to do anything better they're like why are you changing your style I'm like I don't I guess I'll just keep doing what I do so avant-garde it's truly magnificent the way his style

just radiates from the painting it's like people who look at art but have no idea what they're looking at. It's like, listen, I was just kind of lazy and just threw it together. So, this year, my resolution this year is to, I gave this advice on

Tumblr, but I'll do it again. I'm just going to better myself. I'm going to become a Superman. It's what I'm going to become a Superman. Is what I'm going to become. But this time next year, I will be an Uberman. Some sort of man slash demigod. And just, you know, world, brace yourself. I'm not saying I'll rule you with the Mayan robots.

But I will. The Mayan robots have a thing for artistic people. Right? The Mayans are all about art and Ubermen. Mm-hmm. Ubermen. Ubermen! Oh,

God. But I was also listening to Coast to Coast AM where they were making their predictions. Yes, I heard some of that. I actually listened last night as well. Apparently, they did two nights of it because there's so many predictions. So for those of you who didn't listen yesterday, we were going to listen to Coast to Coast AM's crazy 2013 predictions. Did you hear any good ones? Well, I heard one lady say the bees are coming back.

Now, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Well, she talked about how the bees have gone away and without bees, life is not possible. I understand that, but when you say the bees are coming back, that sounds like a warning. But she was like, but since the bees are coming back,

I'm allergic to bees. So I got to have my Benadryl ready. That was like her big thing. Okay. Then there was the lady who said, we will know the nature of God in 2013 because of the growing amounts of library books on quantum physics, which will create harmony. Libraries. Libraries and God. They are connected.

I've always said that. Yep. Then there was this crazy lady that called in. He was like, hey, how you doing? And she's like, George, I'm telling you, the forests are going to emit radioactive waves that send the calls to the other forests that will raise up the ceilings of the sky

that will send back down the radioactive waves underground while the forest will rise up. Yes. And he was like, he was like, oh, that's true. That's very true. He's like, next caller. That's so amazing.

Oh my god. There was also this guy who was like, Nezra will be announced. And he was like, what's Nezra? And he said, the American people are heirs to the 148,000 estates and will get millions from trust funds that people have left money for. What the hell does that mean?

Nezra? He said it's N-E-S-A-R-A. Nezra. And apparently... N-E-S-A-R-A, NESRA. And apparently... N-E-S-A-R-A? Yeah, he says the American people are... I'm looking this up right now. We are heirs to states that will give us millions of dollars.

N-E-S-A-R-A. Yes. NESARA? I guess so. The National Economic Stabilization and Recovery Act? I don't know. But then he's like, well, who knows about this? He's like, the government does, but they don't tell you.

They're forced to not tell you until 2013. Here you go. Immediately, when you type in NESRA, the first things that come up are NESRA Ron Paul, NESRA Conspiracy Theory, Nezra Scam, or Nezra 2013? Well, there you go. Yep, that explains everything you need to know. Oh, no. So, the White House has a petition. Holy shit.

I've clicked a link that I don't know what is going on here. It's like the government going to come find you now. It's something called the Galactic Federation of Light Messages from our Space Family 2012 A New Beginning. And it says here, the Galactic Federation of Light is having a Nezra victory party for the St. Germain World Trust Fund. Thank you for occupying Wall Street to raise your voices for freedom. Oh, okay. Okay, this is what it does. All right, now I figured.

Oh, my God, it does a lot. All right. Forgives all credit card, mortgage, and other bank debt instantly. What? I should take out a bunch of. Take out every loan right now. Abolishes income tax. Abolishes the IRS.

Creates 14% flat... Oh, this isn't a real thing. Stop it. Damn it, crazy people. You suck. For a minute, I almost believed something existed until I started reading it. That's...

There's a great quote. I almost believed something existed until I started reading it. That works for a lot, actually. Yeah. Pretty much all aspects of life. All aspects of life. I started believing it, and then I started reading about it. I was like, nope, nope.

That's a great quote for the tombstone. Great quote. Oh my god that's awesome. I heard a few yesterday. In May of this year there's going to be a huge earthquake and the

guy who said it, the host Ian Punnett last night goes didn't you call last year and say there's going to be an earthquake in May? And the guy's like, there's got to be an earthquake some May. Well, he's gotten good luck. Yeah, eventually he will be right. And then he can say I predicted an earthquake. There was also talk about a lot of end of the world talk.

Apparently that didn't happen. Robots would gain artificial intelligence. That didn't happen robots would gain artificial intelligence that didn't happen there's just so many there's so many good ones like it was just crazy people like the aliens gonna reveal themselves to be angels what is it not good enough for their aliens they have to be angels too that's like if we said the Mayan robots would transform into like transformers the Mayan robots would transform into, like, transformers. The Mayan robots also transform into Cadillacs. Like, that's an unnecessary thing. And then they cruise around in the Cadillacs.

They just drive down the road. Oh, my God. Yeah, so I was ecstatic about that. I love the prediction show. I'm sure there's got to be. There's one guy called in and said there's strange red-orange fireballs from Alabama, Florida, and Idaho. And if you see them, you should sit down and write a written report and send it to them. And someone saw 13 at once.

Okay. That's what he said. I love that. I love that. That's what he said. I love that that's a thing. I saw fireballs. Did you? What were those states again? Alabama, Florida, and Idaho. None of those places have large usages of crystal meth,

so I can trust the reports coming from there. I apologize if you're from any of those, but come on. Florida is Florida. It's Florida. And Alabama is no better, and Idaho, no one lives there. Florida is just NASCAR and, like, alligator hunting. And I feel bad for judging Florida, but people in Florida, just like when I make fun of Detroit, the people who live in Detroit know exactly what I'm talking about.

Florida, you know you're bad when per capita, this is a true fact, last year, 2012, there are more cases of public masturbation in Florida than anywhere else in the United States combined. There you go. I mean, that says it all about Florida. Like, look, I just can't get, I can't wait to get home. I gotta do this right now. And I'm gonna spoil it for you. They probably aren't women. So just, you know, that.

Florida. Florida. Come visit our state. I'll do your advertisements, Florida. It's just a bunch of dudes beaten off. It's a cheeseburger in paradise. Cheeseburger in paradise. Oh, my God.

Oh, shit. That's funny. Jeez. Jeez. There's a bunch of dudes on a beach beating it in this cheeseburger in paradise can't breathe oh my gosh oh my gosh well Oh my god Well

Happy New Year We started off the new year on a great note Holy crap That was amazing That is the best single Thing I've ever thought up in my entire life If that isn't An ad for Florida you are missing out.

Now it drives so much traffic to Florida. And it can pan through various Florida celebrities. And the last one's Mickey Mouse. Just beating it. That's what Florida's all about. And then there's just the dude in the background tweaking on meth.

No, eating someone because he's a zombie because of the background tweaking on Beth. No, eating someone, because he's a zombie, because of bath salts. Watching NASCAR. He's eating a man, watching, he's just watching NASCAR. No, the man's watching NASCAR and being eaten, but he doesn't care because he's watching NASCAR. Exactly. He's like, just make it slow so I can finish this race, damn. Alright,

well, then I guess it's time to go to, uh, Crendor in the sky in chapter chapter 7. Crendor, how's that traffic out there on this brand new year? It's a new year! Replacement guy. Great. Because it's New Year's. I don't want to work on New Year's.

He wasn't even using the helicopter. He was floating, apparently. He was. He was so ecstatic that he just floats. That's amazing. He's got real talent. He might be a permanent fixture. He was so ecstatic that he just floats. That's amazing. He's got real talent. He might be a permanent fixture. He could be, but that would then make his appearances far less fun.

I don't think they were ever fun. Well, what's your opinion? What's less than zero? Can we go to negative fun? Whoa. He sucks the fun away. I failed algebra multiple Whoa. He sucks the fun away. I failed algebra like multiple times. He's a fun vampire.

A funpire. A funpire? A funpire. And he sucks out the fun. That's when baseball should change all their umpires' names to umpires. I'm a funpire. Strike one. They all have clown suits on.

Oh, all right. Well, then what's going on over in the weather? In weather, we're going to go on down to Gunnison, Mississippi. One of the good states. Yeah. One of the real American states. Yeah. They have a lot of rain, 45 degrees with 6 mile per hour winds, 95% humidity.

It's pretty humid out there. Let's see some local tweets. Boozy Group says, be breezy. Is that a comment on the weather? Or is that, like, that is amazing. Be breezy. Is he saying chill out? Like, that is some Confucius shit right there.

They said B Breezy. Like what? Not even B. It's the letter B. Maybe that's his rap name. B Breezy. I mean their name is Boozy Group. Oh wait. Group E? Boozy Group E? It is a

somewhat large black woman. They say I'm a Boozy groupie? It is a somewhat large black woman. And they say, I'm a boozy groupie, MVSU alumni, BSW grad student. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is a grad student? This is a hashtag grad student. And I do me. Hashtag that's all.

None ya. Business, fool. Be breezy. Be breezy, everybody. Be breezy. Be breezy, everybody. Be breezy. Congratulations, Mississippi. You've done it again. That's the only tweet they have.

That's the only weather-related treat. Be breezy. Did I just say it's a weather-related treat? It is. It is a weather-related treat. It was a treat. That was a treat, yes. Alright, then what about sports? We're approaching the countdown to the Super Bowl. How many weeks?

The February 3rd or something like that? Well, the playoffs haven't started yet. What's the countdown to the Super Bowl? Because we're counting down to it. Well, I don't... I'm not counting down to it. I'm just wanting to watch Packer games. I just want the Packers to keep winning so I can keep watching them.

Well, what if they lose? What will you do? Well, then I'll be disappointed. Will you be as disappointed as... Because Greg Jennings will have failed me, and he'll probably go to free agency and go to other teams to carry them on their back. There's got to be a horrible team

that he will single-handedly win them the Super Bowl. Well, speaking of horrible teams, here are some coaches that got fired today. Arizona Cardinals fired their coach, Ken Wisenhunt. Yep. Buffalo Bills fired their coach, Chan Gailey. Yep. Bears fired their coach, Love Wisenhunt. Buffalo Bills fired their coach, Chan Gailey. Bears fired their coach, Lovey Smith.

No. Cleveland Browns. Lovey's gone. Lovey's gone. Cleveland Browns fired their coach, whoever that is. Kansas City Chiefs. The coach is also the mascot. Get out there, fellas, and knock them down.

Kansas City Chiefs fired Romeo Cornell. Eagles fired Andy Reid. And the Chargers fired North Turner. Wow. So they're all gone because their team sucked. Yeah, but I guess because they've sucked for so long. And then the Jets just never used Tebow because they're stupid. They were like, hey, Tim Tebow doesn't practice well. It's like, that's not the point. Everyone knows he

sucks. You gotta put him in the game because he wins. Yeah, because he has god power. Like, everybody was just like, oh my god, Tim Tebow's so bad. And then he'd play games and people would be like, whoa, they won! It was just like... I don't get it. I don't get it. But the Jets are dumb. They're inherently stupid. Yeah.

I'm hoping there's some listening because I... Leave your feedback. Leave your feedback. We appreciate stupid. Yeah. I'm hoping there's some listening because leave your feedback. Leave your feedback. We appreciate it. Okay. Then I guess that's it for sports. What is our big news story of 20-odd-three? Five phrases a traveler should never use. Because everybody's traveling, right?

Or getting back from traveling. Okay. Well, I mean, well, this may have been useful before the holidays. Well, yeah. But we're going to do it anyway. You'll travel again. It's good to know this. Yeah, this is for the future.

Yeah. This is stuff. Yeah. Number one, do you speak English? That's bad to ask? Yes. Okay, why? Never say that.

There are basic foreign language expressions that every international traveler should learn before crossing borders, and this is one of them. Even if you're light years away from fluency, a rudimentary grasp of simple phrases in the regional tongue like, please, hello, thank you, no thank you, and where is the bathroom will work wonders. Add to this list, do you speak English, to be stated in the applicable language. It's a show of respect, and the locals will likely be more responsive and helpful to anyone who doesn't behave as if all citizens of the world ought to speak his or her native language. But they should. You should speak English. I mean, all countries pretty much do speak English, except for... And the ones that don't, they aren't trying. China!

Yeah, China. Yeah, China. Why don't you get to work on making an English sweatshop? I don't know how that would work. Quote for the tombstone. Why don't you get to work on making an English sweatshop, China? What would that even consist of? I assume a bunch of, like, poorly paid Chinese making English.

Making English. Look, look. They're, like, working in the factory, and the factory's just, like, shooting out letters. They'll learn something. They form words. But do they know English? I don't think, I think they know Mandarin

or whatever. There's different dialects. I don't know. It's too confusing. Number two. Do you have change for a 20? This phrase shouldn't be spoken to your bellman,

tour guide, airport shuttle driver, hotel housekeeper, or any other service person not stationed behind a cash register. Travel and tipping go together like Lewis and Clark. Thus, road warriors should make a point of obtaining small bills in the local currency at the beginning of every trip. Don't put your service person in the position of awkwardly fumbling through his or her wallet in order to receive due recompense.

Why would you give them a compass? That doesn't make any sense. I don't know. Especially a re-compass. Maybe they're lost. LOL. That's a good tip. I always feel bad if I don't have change to give someone. And I feel even worse if someone gives me...

Because I'm not going to. I know a lot of people when you go to places and you're going to give them a tip, they give you change and huge bills like you're going to have to give me that big bill. No, I just won't give you a tip. If I have to ask you to come back over and be like, can you give me 5-1 instead of a 5? They're like,

I don't have it. Well then, tough. You did really great but life's not on your side today. I'm sorry. What if somebody's waiting for you to tip them, and they're just like, do you have change for a five? And they're like, oh, yeah. And then you, like, give them $4.

Sometimes I would do that. I feel like I would do that. Depends on their service. Yeah, depends on their service. If they don't give me enough coffee, says old man Crandor. We went to French Toast Place. They had good French toast. Guy didn't refill my coffee.

He did, but it was after. After you got mad at him for not refilling your coffee. After I got mad at him. I was like, hey, I could use some more coffee. And he was like, oh, yeah. And then he was on it. But until then, he wasn't. Good story.

And I wanted my coffee. This is why you don't do post-New Year's Eve shows. So far, we've talked about masturbating Floridians. Tipping $4 out of $5. And Chinese sweatshops that make English. And Mississippi tweets. So far, so good. We're doing just fine.

I mean, it's not far off from our other shows. But that was 2012. This is 20-odd-three. We need to improve. Yeah, that's true. I feel like we are. I feel like we're doing better. We are a little bit.

Anyway, that guy, he was okay at waitering. He just needs to learn how to refill coffee faster. Get on your game, guy. Yeah, guy. Next. Can you help me? I'm lost and I'm staying at name of hotel. Have you seen the movie Taken?

It's about a girl who gets kidnapped in Paris after human traffickers have found out where she is staying. Yes, it's Hollywood. But, to some degree, art imitates life. Are you kidding me? Is this guy really like, look, you will get taken? Apparently. Yo, watch out. Many criminals target unsuspecting travelers, especially in popular tourist destinations, and it's not a smart idea to tell a stranger that you're from out of town

or to publicize where you're bunking down for the night. You might not get sold into sex slavery, but you could get robbed, especially if your hotel lacks top-notch security. What the balls. All right, sure, okay, yeah. That seems like a crazy balls. All right. Sure. Okay. Yeah. That is, that seems like a crazy thing. It does. Before that movie, that was never really a big issue for people.

Like you could be a sex slave. Where's all this sex slavery taking place at? Maybe not if you go, it's probably if you go to like China. That's why they need to make English. It is. Next one. I don't want to go there. There aren't any reviews.

While we appreciate the power and practicality of user-generated reviews, they have their limits. New establishments, local joints, tiny B&Bs, and less-traveled hideaways often get left off the reviews grid. Developing a dependence on the aggregated opinions of faceless masses will prevent you from discovering anything remotely well undiscovered. God, this person is such a hipster. Like, you want to go to places people have been to before because you know they aren't going to tell you to sex slavery. This person, just one thing that goes like, be careful, you could become a sex slave. And now it's like, you should definitely travel out into the wilderness in the middle of nowhere and look for things. That cabin's supposed to have great

food. This little known restaurant that just popped up that you never heard of before, trust me, you should definitely go off the beaten path to go there. You will not become a sex slave. I imagine like, oh my god, we need to make that into a movie. It'll be like, uh, what's that? The, shh, caterpillar,

what's the one with the caterpillar thing? The human centipede? The human centipede. It'll be like, what's that? The caterpillar. What's the one with the caterpillar thing? The human centipede? The human centipede. It'll be like that, except we'll just make it about a sweatshop. That makes English. That makes English. You make English. I see it.

What? They just reach this just like big forest, and you gotta walk into the forest. And then there's just this one cabin. And they're like, whoa, the cabin you gotta walk into the forest, and then there's just this one cabin. And they're like, whoa, the cabin. And then they go inside. No, well, first off, you have to say, the one guy's like, shouldn't be here, there's no reviews. And the girl's like, that's what makes it

exciting, James. And he's like, alright, baby, I'll do it for you. And then they get there, and... And they walk inside, and the doors lock. And they're like, why'd the doors lock? And he's like, doors lock it's like oh no it's probably just part of the atmosphere and then they just walk around and then the floors just give out and the mayan robots come down and take them and drop them into their sweatshop chairs and there's

just like millions of people working in the sweatshop chairs making the English. They're making English. They're making English. And then they're just like, how'd you guys get here? And they're just like, we wanted to try something different. Lesson learned. That's the entire movie. It just ends there. It's like a 1950s

instructional tape. Don't try different things. And scene. Oh, yeah. And finally, geez, it's not like I have a bomb. What? Airport security can often seem like a joke, especially when young children get pat-downs or transportation security administration agents steal from passengers.

But that doesn't mean you should play part of the comedian when going through the metal detector. Travelers have been arrested for making jokes about terrorism in the airport. According to the TSA, belligerence, inappropriate jokes, and threats are not tolerated. Jokes and or comments about threats to passengers and or aircrafts will be taken seriously and can result in criminal or civil penalties for passenger. Be on the safe side and save the jokes for after you've left the airport. What if you made jokes, but it wasn't about, like, having a bomb? What if you were like, damn, these churros are the bomb.

Or, my diarrhea is so explosive. Did you get away with that? Like, you go to the metal detector like, I'm sorry, I have explosive diarrhea. I'm not saying you do that. You will be arrested. Online at that point. They're gonna be, like, standing next to you, watching you. Get out the latex gloves.

It reminds me of high school where, like, we used to go to the computer lab and we'd be, people would always go to non-educational things, such as their social networking sites or games or whatever. And we'd always have the admin guy come in and he'd be like, hmm, what you doing there? And he'd just look over your shoulder and people would be like,

oh, I was going to just go to something school-related. And he was like, yeah, that'd be a pretty good idea. What? How does that remind you of it at all? That's not even remotely similar. Because he's trying to give you a little hint, like, maybe you shouldn't be doing that. Uh-huh. But then sometimes he would just be like, all right, you're going to have to leave the computer lab now. Uh-huh.

That is the stupidest fucking thing. I'm just reliving my high school days. Is that it? Are we done? I think we're done. All right days Is that it? Are we done? I think we're done Alright, that's it for January 1 20 odd 3's we're gonna call it from now on And thank you all for tuning in

I may go pass out right now Yeah And we will see you tomorrow Woo And we will see you tomorrow. Woo!