Cox n' Crendor Show - Cox N' Crendor Beta: Wednesday, January 9th 2013

Episode Date: January 9, 2013

It's Wednesday and in honor of a a horribly misspelled day, they spend far too long talking about Wendy's. Also RG4 returns and Crendor actually start writing his book. In other news, the guys discover foods they used to love no longer exist and worse, Jesse is trying to win an award :P http://shortyawards.com/jessecox

Hello everybody, it's time for Ghost on Trend Dog! This is Trend Dog in the morning. In the morning! Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live! In 4-hour recording studios! Recorded! Wake your ass up! It's the next Trend Dog in the morning! Hello everybody, it's Wednesday. Up and up, next Wednesday in the morning. Up and up, next Wednesday in the morning.

Hello there, everybody. It's Wednesday. It is the day of Weds. Wednesday. Wednesday. That's how I always say it. Then you know how to spell it when you have to spell it. No, I agree because for years I would always spell it W-E-N-D, which is not correct. It's not. But that's how people say it.

When did they say it that way then? Like Wendy. Wendy's Day. Oh, Wendy's. Which is not correct. It's not. But that's how people say it. Why do they say it that way then? Like Wendy. Wendy's Day. Oh, Wendy's. Whenever I see Wendy's commercial, it has that girl who's like... The girl who they want you to think is Wendy but really isn't. Real Wendy. Yeah, because real Wendy got a little chunky. Real Wendy has had a bit too much Wendy's.

So they went and found like L.A. Wendy. Yeah. And it drives me crazy because there's something, like, a little too perky about her. Like, she's really happy to eat Wendy's. She's borderline Disney Channel. She's like, get yourself a sandwich. Mozzarella la la la la la. I hope.

Somebody came into my office there just like that I was just like, are you okay? Do you need help? I would hope that someone else in that office Maybe a woman with dignity Would just run across the room and tackle her Like, dude Like, no!

You do not ruin this for us Stiff arms are after catching the football Yes That's how we start our Wednesday. I feel like, at the top of the show today, we should announce our campaign for victory. We should. So for those of you who are not aware,

there's this thing called the Shorty Awards. I guess they're like the Twitter awards, but basically, it's for social media stuff. And today, somehow, I don't even know, people started nominating myself as a podcaster. I said, look, that's the best I'm going to do. And it blew up.

I think it's because Crendor did it as well. I did. We were like, we actually stand a chance. And I went to go, look, and as of right now, we're first. Which means I'm going to demand that they give us a Cox and Crandor award. Yes. We're actually ahead of, like, legit people. Real legit people.

But there's, like, 33 days left of voting. So every so often we're going to hammer it into your brain pulp. Yeah. Your brain pulp. And we need to get ahead of the competition so that they all lose hope. You're going to go to shortyawards.com slash jessicox all one word.

shortyawards.com slash jessicox and then once you're there you can sign in with Twitter. There's like a button at the top. And there's a thing that says like I nominate jessicox for the shorty awards or whatever. It like fills it in by itself and then you just tweet it and it does all the work for you and then that's how it counts you towards the vote for us and that's how we're gonna win uh you can do Jesse Cox and you can do like at Jesse Cox and

at wow Crandor the problem is it only registers one I'm already up there so screw it if Crandor was up there we would have done Crandor but we're already in the lead. We ain't losing now. Yeah, even I voted for you. Take that, nerdist. Yeah, take that, nerdist. You suck. This is it. This is our big time to shine. This is where we're going to have Hollywood know us. Yes, this is how we get big.

This is it. They're going to be like, why is this terrible show winning? We're going to be like, we don't even know. Our commentary about Wendy's's that's why yeah then when then when wendy comes on our show fake wendy oh she probably would did you know the wendy's story having lived in ohio especially in columbus ohio which is near dublin ohio which is where wendy's was founded i know the wendy's story very well. I figure we should, since we're giving Wendy's the time it deserves here. By the way, go to shortyawards.com slash jessicox.

Keep that in mind. But anyway, once upon a time in a Thomas hole lived a Dave Thomas. And he worked for one they call the Colonel, a white-bearded fool of sorts who would travel the countryside dispensing chicken justice. Chicken justice. Chicken justice. And so Dave Thomas used to work for Colonel Sanders. It turns out Dave Thomas quit and was like, I want to open my own restaurant.

Who gave him the money to open his first restaurant? Colonel Sanders. Colonel Sanders first restaurant? Colonel Sanders. Colonel Sanders was real? Colonel Sanders, yes, gave Dave Thomas the money to open the first Wendy's. And he did in Dublin, Ohio. Oh, my God. He is real. I told you.

That's amazing. Right? Colonel Sanders was a dude, a real guy. And he helped Dave Thomas. Also, he was in his own commercials for a while. I remember those commercials. I do too. It's disappointing.

He was in all the ones. He died from eating too much Wendy's. Yeah, yeah. So that's kind of disappointing. I like to think that he died from McDonald's-induced heart attacks. Oh, that's true. He was cheating on his own company. He's like, I can't help it.

The fries are so good. They had to have an intermission. No, not intermission. Intermission! It's like a basketball game. Now presenting the Wendy Wendats. And they just dance for him. And he's like, oh, heart attack.

They just bring him out in the chair. He's just like, why am I here? And they're just like like this is an intervention. And like the entire crowd is part of it. They're all eating Frosties and judging him. Start eating Wendy's Dave. I haven't actually eaten at

Wendy's in a long time. Since I moved to the West Coast I haven't seen a Wendy's. Really? Yeah I haven't seen one. I know of where one is but I haven't seen a wendy's really and about it yeah i haven't seen one i know of where one is but i haven't actually seen it oh like i i said you didn't see burger kings then you were driving and yeah then we saw burger king you just need to be with me because you'll be more observant than i am i notice all these things i try not to die in la traffic that That's my job. But, Wendy's,

if you want to sponsor us... We'll take your money. We will. And then we can have the Wendy girl on. I will only hit on her in the most polite ways. I will hit on her in all the ways. We have our bases covered.

RG4 runs all bases. RG4, you're not supposed to be playing baseball. Oh, RG4 is sad. No matter what, all RG4 jokes go back to his misunderstanding of emotion. No, you're not programmed to do that, RG4 jokes go back to his misunderstanding of emotion. No, you're not programmed to do that, RG4. I wish I programmed to love. By the way, I started writing Guy Hero Egins. Uh-huh.

Guy Hero Egins. And how's that working out for you? Let me read the first paragraph that I've written. Oh, God. Okay. Aliana sat on the edge of her bed, made of ancient tree bark and lost dreams, contemplating why her father had been cruel enough to ban

Why is it made of lost dreams? Is that like a tangible good in your world? You can build things out of lost dreams in my world. Oh, okay. I thought it made sense when I wrote it. Contemplating why her father had been cruel enough to ban her from the

outside world. All she had done was suggest they change the recipe for the savory star cookies. Granted, these cookies used a recipe that had been passed down through centuries of Keebler elves, not to be confused with another type of elf for copyright reasons, so part of her understood.

That's all I got so far. That's very good. That's very good. Here's my problem. If you are one of those people who's like, I'll tune into this podcast to determine whether I should vote for them. So far you've heard us shamelessly plug

voting for it. Why Wendy's is awesome and where it came from. A really bad riff on RG4 and Crandor's Book. Ten minutes, well worth it. Well, if you don't understand what we're talking about, you gotta go back and listen to the other ones. Yeah, listen to all the other podcasts.

That's all we do is reference old podcasts. We make one funny joke once, and then we just roll with it for like eight episodes. That's how I got to where I am. Doing the same joke over and over again? Exactly. And once people start to realize it, then it's like, damn, I gotta get a new one.

Then we break out RG5. Start talking like robots. Eventually that's all the show's gonna be. Crandor 3 welcomes you to the morning show. I feel like we need someone to make us, like, a super intro. That's just robots? We have a really good intro, though. That may be the best part of our show.

It is good, but I want it to be even better. Like, if that guy could take it and make it even better and add, like, robot voices and, like, sirens and, like, other morning show things we need an aruga aruga did you eat your aruga today timmy i don't want them more i'm gonna go watch rg4 play the foosball hey damn it timmy the arugas filled with vitamin c rg4 does not understand vitamins. RG4 consumes oil. He's just sitting back there.

They're like, RG4, you have an oil problem. RG4 can quit whatever he wants. He gets tackled on the field. It's just like his oil springs a leak, and it's just like, is he bleeding? It's like RG4 is bleeding his natural state of blood, which is oil. Wait, so he drinks oil? RG4 is like a vampire for oil. He's an oil vampire. What he is is the mascot of the future.

Nike, in like 20 years, when all people are cyborgs, will look up to RG4 because he'll be one of the first people to promote oil. It'll be like got milk. We have literally crossed the line to fool. It'll be like got milk, but it'll be got oil because everyone will be cyborgs. We've crossed that line to stupid town. I think we did that a long time ago. Well, I'm going to bring us back.

I'm going to bring us back. I was watching the news. This is what they discovered. gonna bring us back i'm gonna bring us back i was watching the news this is what they discovered drinkers of diet soda are over three times more likely to be depressed than people who don't drink diet soda and here's the thing they went to this whole reason why it's the chemicals and stuff like that but it hit me wouldn't it just be simpler to say the reason why people are drinking diet soda is because they fear calories why would they feel calories because they don't think they look attractive why don't they they look attractive because they have a problem with themselves why do they have a problem

themselves because they're probably depressed about something yeah it's not the chemicals yeah the chemicals just give you cancer yeah i mean maybe you're depressed about that but the depression just because you're depressed doesn't mean there's a link between something. They should look at the depression, why, like, okay, if they're hurt about their body image, they're more likely to drink diet soda if they're drinking soda. That's why I took statistics my senior year of high school, and I got a D in it, but I learned some stuff. And, for example, in the summer are there's a higher crime rate And so what you can do with studies is be like well Let's do a study on crime rate with ice cream in the summer So it's like oh well

There's a higher crime rate in the summer people are eating more ice cream in the summer therefore ice cream or increases the crime rate So you can just make like like, random-ass things, like, relate to things they don't actually relate to by doing that. But another study suggests that people buy more ice cream in the winter than they do in the summer. Whoa. Exactly. So maybe the inference there

is that the lack of summer ice cream equals more crime. Because people are pissed they aren't getting their ice cream. The thing actually said in the book was like there's a higher crime rate in the summer because there's more parties and people going out and doing things like drinking or

partying or whatever. I think that, yeah, it's because it's light more at night. Like there's, that was a horrible use of English. It light more at night. There is more sun. It make bright.

It's daylight longer, and so people can stay out more. Like, you know, it's 9, almost 10 o'clock, and people are still outside. Meanwhile, during the winter, it's not only cold, but it also gets dark at, like, 6. And so people go inside, and they stay out of trouble i think that makes more sense than like ice cream causes gun violence well that's just like what they do they're like hey you want to like do some studies because like we get paid for doing studies they're like yeah let's do them now that we're on the subject of like legit news i think it's time we go to chapter seven of the sky with Crandor.

Crandor, how's that traffic out there? Oh, right now I'm competing with the other traffic copter from some other news station. Arrival 98.3, the light FM. This is Johnny Cash in the sky with lightning and three FM. I'm coming in live. Actually, Johnny Cash is a zombie because he came back to life and now they hired him. That's why I sound this way. They hired him to increase the ratings.

I mean, he's really bad at crafting. I am slapping myself something silly, so just keep going. But yeah, they're trying to increase the ratings with zombie Johnny Cash. It's not working. People are just still tuning in here. And praise! It's just, it's stupid. I'm just, back to you. Alright, thanks

Creditor. It sounds terrible out there. It does, it's a war. Let's see what's going on in the war zone with the weather. How's that weather looking? The war zone? Shut up. Look, look. We hyped ourselves up too much.

We were like, vote for us in the Shorty Awards. We're the best there ever was. Best. Total shit fest. Let's just go to some place called Garfield. Yep, why not? Garfield, Australia. Wow, have we done Australia yet?

No. I don't think so. Oh, this is good. I'm glad we're covering Garfield. Sweet. Today in Garfield, Australia, it is 63 degrees with 21 mile per hour winds, 55% humidity, 46 degree dew point. Are there any tweets

there? Are we that lucky? We got the frosted mini-wheats again. Or wait, no. Kelly Kelly Sevens tweeting at Rep Paul Brown MD and said, why did you vote against Hurricane Sandy relief? She sounds very informed. She does sound very informed.

We will have none of that on this podcast. That sounds like actual news. That's what you get for choosing something named after a lazy cat and a president all right and that is the weather now let's go over to sports crendor well i covered nfl stuff a lot lately so i figured why not change it up and we can cover uh basketball steve nash records,000th assist and loss. What? Steve Nash has lost 10,000 times?

Well, he has 10,000 assists. Oh, so he got his 10,000th assist while losing the game. Yes. Okay, I thought you were saying he had 10,000 losses. I was like... He broke the record. That's not something you want to brag about.

I don't even know if it's possible to play 10,000 games. Steve Nash has been playing since 1962. Back in my day, an assist was worth five assists. No wonder his team keeps losing. He's putting the dude in. He's like,

I'll get the ball. He just calls over. Nash joined an elite group of magic johnson john stockton jason kidd mark jackson that that is an elite group of of all right jason kidd i know i was about to say that's the elite group of people i don't know but magic johnson and jason kidd i know well john stockton played against the bulls in the 90s all i know is all i know is the people who played on the bulls in the 90s. All I know is the people who played on the Bulls in the 90s. Well, they played against the Jazz who had John Stockton. They didn't win.

The Bulls won. I was about to say, no one cares about the Jazz. No one. We almost won. There was a time when we were almost good. Oh, Utah Jazz. All right, well, that's it for sports. What is our big story of the day?

Big story of the day, beloved snacks you'll never be able to eat again. What? Are these all about Twinkies things, like Hostess cupcakes and things? I don't know. I haven't read it yet. Isn't that your job? Yeah, well, it sounded cool. Son of a bitch.

All right, hit me with this article. These foods and drinks used to grace the pantry shelves of many American households, but their glory days have passed, and now these items are discontinued. Some soda varieties just didn't click. There are also lost food and snack items. A certain discontinued flavor of Doritos has people especially upset. Number one is Altoid Tangerine Sours. I do remember those.

Everyone knows the Altoids. They're the little, like, mints that make you sneeze whenever you suck on them for some reason. Because they're ultra minty. And they have cinnamon ones. I think they have, like, there's a green mint and then a red mint and then the cinnamon. And then for a little bit they had these tangerine sours that were supposed to freshen your breath, but were really just candy. Like, that's all they were. And so people who buy Altoids have no reason for that.

And kids who want to buy candy aren't going to fork over money for, like, fancier-looking candy. So I can understand why they sucked in sales and why they discontinued them. Yeah. Next up is Butterfinger BBs. I'm sorry, what? Butterfinger BBs were mini peanut butter and chocolate candy balls. Oh, yeah. I remember that because Bart Simpson would sell them.

Yes. He's like, nobody better let a finger on my Butterfinger BB. I remember that. That was my Bart Simpson. Yeah, see? It's me, Bart Simpson. Butterfinger BBs, see book. Yeah, see? Bart, it's me, Bart Simpson. Butterfinger baby, see? Bart Simpson, see?

So they got discontinued in 2006. Interesting. I do remember those. Black Pepper Jack Doritos. I never had those, but I had a friend who swore by them. He was like, they are the single best things in the world. Like, he was like, they're spicy, but not spicy. And they're like the good Doritos. Whatever the not spicy. And they're like the good Doritos.

Whatever the hell that means. They're like the good Doritos. Yeah, you know. Well, now I want to try them. You can't! That's what this is saying. They're gone. Somewhere, some guy has a bag, and he's like, one day, it'll be worth millions. I'm bringing in a Pawn Stars.

Pawn my bag of Black Pepper Jack Doritos. Be like like what do you want from well? We're gonna have to like go to our Dorito guy and some like 14 year old kid comes in like And then the kid buys me just like listen guys These are worth a lot of money. I bought them because I ripped that guy off. And so Stoner runs by, kicks the kid in the balls, and takes the bag. And he's like, oh, man, I'm so hungry, man. Doritos.

And he just starts eating them. And the kid's like, no. He's part of a website. And that's how the story ends. He's part of a website that's, like, tracking down black pepper jack Doritos, just like they track McRibs He finally found them I wonder if that's a real thing

If there's a real cabal of people who are like I must have all the Black Pepper Jack Did you just say a cabal? A cabal Is that like a Middle Eastern thing? No, it's a close I've never heard that Continue please

Planters cheese balls were discontinued in 2006. Oh, yeah. Cheese balls have, like, a lot of cheese balls have disappeared. It's all cheese doodles and stuff now. Yeah, like Cheetos. Because I remember Planter's cheese balls were in the can. Yep. Oh, I totally forgot those existed.

My grandmother would get those all the time. Cheese balls in a can was so much better than anything else. It came in a can. The picture says, new family size. In a can. In a can. Next up's a Wonder Ball. Nestle stopped manufacturing them in 97.

What was the Wonder Ball? The Wonder Ball is a ball of chocolate with a prize inside. I remember I got some. See, I would never waste my time on that. Anything that had a prize, I always knew was less candy than actual what you would pay. They stopped making them in 97

after some children choked on the toys. I shouldn't laugh at that, but I had a feeling that would be why. That's really depressing. It is really depressing, actually. Good work, Nestle. I remember the ads for them because I'd be watching cartoons and it was like, Wonder, wonder, what's in a Wonderball?

Who knows what surprises a Wonderball could hide? I remember eating Kix watching that commercial. Speaking of which, Kix. Those are wonderful and I'm glad they still exist. Well, next up is a cereal. Choosy moms choose kicks Yeah Keep going please

French toast crunch I remember french toast crunch it tasted like shit I remember getting french toast And it would cut your gums It would cut the roof of your mouth It was shaped like little french toast pieces It's true but it suffered from Captain Crunch-itis where the cereal was just way too hard.

And when you bit into it, it cut the roof of your mouth. That's why you let it sit in the milk for a while. Soggy cereal is disgusting. No, it's not. Yes, it is. Why not just eat oatmeal? Cold oatmeal. I like oatmeal.

Cold oatmeal? No. You communist, of course you do. Maybe. Exactly. Don't be like, no. Try to save yourself. Cold oatmeal? No You communist, of course you do Maybe Exactly Don't be like, no Try to save yourself You love it

You love it I can't help that I'm old I can't swallow it whole or my poops will come out too hard Tim Stone quote I can't swallow it whole I can't swallow it too hard I don't even know all. I can't swallow it too hard. I don't even know what I said.

You said something. Keebler Magic Medals. They were beloved in the 90s. Beloved. Were those the one that had, it was like a Keebler Elf on the outside and it was like basically a Keebler Elf Oreo? They were vanilla shortbread with chocolate middle. It was a reverse Oreo. All right, yeah.

I remember those. Then there's crispy M&M's. What the hell is a crispy M&M? It was literally just an M&M, but it was like kind of crispy. I don't even know what that would be. Like imagine eating an M&M, but then imagine eating, it's like eating two M&M's or something. Why not just eat two M&Ms?

I remember seeing crispy M&Ms and being like, oh my god, they're now crispy! Yeah. Well, that sounds like an interesting idea. Surge was released by Coca-Cola to compete with Mountain Dew. Surge, yes. I remember Surge, that

tasted horrible. Jolt, I think, still exists some places. I'm trying to remember what the other ones were that were like, before energy drinks, it was like caffeine sodas. Next up, Oreo-O's. Cookie-themed cereal launched by Post in 97. That sounds horrible. Was it actually little Oreosos or was it something different? It was like Cheerios that were just like chocolate with little white Oreo middle bits around them.

That doesn't sound appetizing at all. I think I tried it once and I never bought it again, so I don't think I liked it. There are cereals that look awesome but disappoint. Like Cookie Crisp. I always thought it looked awesome. When I finally had Cookie Crisp, I was disappointed by Cookie Crisp. I remember I wanted to like it.

I was like, it's cookies! Right? And you're like, yes, it's gonna taste delicious. And it just doesn't. It just doesn't. Tastes like stale cookies. They had one that was peanut butter cup cereal. And I was like, oh my god, I want to try this! It wasn't very good.

I remember that. I had that too. Tic Tac recently confirmed on its website that it has discontinued its cinnamon and spearmint flavors. How many flavors are there? How many people still get Tic Tacs, though? Besides your grandmother. How many people actually get Tic Tacs?

Very few people still buy Tic Tacs as far as I can tell. I remember the orange Tic Tacs. I like those. I remember when they used to sell it as, if you're a woman, you should eat Tic Tacs instead of food. Do you remember those commercials? It's only five calories, Pop.

I'm like, shouldn't you eat a sandwich or something? It's only five calories. That was that weird period during the 90s where it was like, do you want to be a model? Eat Tic Tacs and ice. Exactly. Burger King chicken fries.

What the hell is a chicken fry? It's, I don't even. Is it a chicken nugget just in the shape of a french fry? They were replaced with chicken strips. They just look like chicken, yeah, they look like chicken strips. Why would they just call them chicken strips? Because they're shaped like fries. They're really lengthy and like.

What? Like a fry. No piece of chicken looks like that. So it's chicken nuggets, chicken mash. They McRibbed it. Formed into a fry. They McRibbed it. All right. Okay., formed into a fry. They McRibbed it. Alright, okay. That's a term now. They McRibbed it. They McRibbed it.

Uh, the Snapple Elements drink. The hell's that? I remember Snapple, and I remember the Snapple Lady, but I don't know Snapple Elements. I don't remember these either. They had Diet Air Voltage. Diet Air, huh? Velocity these either they had diet air voltage diet air huh velocity volcano voltage and spark when you have to name your drink something that doesn't exist drink form we've got a problem it's true

although i guess as i sit here looking at my monster energy Zero, that's not really a drink either. Well, there's Cherry Vanilla Coke. I remember Cherry Coke. I remember Vanilla Coke. I don't remember Cherry Vanilla Coke. I don't either. Did they combine those?

It was launched in 06, but discontinued a year later. That's because it's a horrible idea. It is. What did you think of vanilla Coke? Vanilla Coke I thought tasted nasty. Here's the thing. Coke, in general, always tastes better out of a fountain drink stand or like a parlor.

Like a parlor. You know what I mean? At the old parlor. Right? Like one of those old old timey places like if you say i want a vanilla coke they're like all right i'll get it it's like coke with a shot of vanilla in it that tastes legit vanilla coke in a can tastes like the most manufactured crap ever yeah it was very unappealing like they still have it like it if you go to like something like the

movie theater has like the coke machine where like you can they have like a billion flavors of coke and i tried lime coke i actually like lime coke it's like coke but with a hint of lime a lot of people like coke with like a actual wedge of lime in their coke which is the thing it's probably tastes a little better but for those that can't have that you can have have the chemical version. Yeah, it's just as good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Jell-O Pudding Pops. What? Are they really gone?

They were popsicle advertised by Bill Cosby, disappeared in the early 90s. I think for everyone out there, we need to hear your Bill Cosby real quick. This is the Jell-O Pudding Pops. I'm sorry, what was that? Jello Puddin' Pops. Rudy.

I don't know if that is the best or worst thing I've ever heard. It walks a very fine line. I think that's what it does, is's so good it walks the fine line. It's like an artist, a trapeze artist. Of bad? It's art. It's not good or bad. It's all up to perception and interpretation.

Uh-huh. All right, sure. Sure. And then finally, Snapple's Mint Iced Tea. Snapple, man. They fired that Snapple lady and no one knew what they made anymore. I didn't know that was even a thing. That's because Snapple...

I never actually liked Snapple. Snapple hasn't been a thing in a long time. I guess there are some people who still drink Snapple, but I don't... Snapple used to be everywhere. Yeah, that's true. And now no one cares. Our G4 cares. It has the same consistency as oil.

Someone said Smurfberry Crunch. Ooh, Smurfberry Crunch. They said, I still remember how that crazy shit smells. Cap'n Crunch. Oops, all berries was similar. Oh, God. Alright, guys, that's it. Thank you for listening. We will be back

tomorrow with another show. Be sure to go to shortywards.com slash jessicox. Vote and let's destroy everyone. RG4 votes for Jesse Cox on Shorty Awards. Thank you, RG4. You're welcome. I think. Alright, guys, we will see you Awards. Thank you, RG4. You're welcome.

I think. All right, guys. We will see you tomorrow. Thank you for listening. And as always, I want some hot chocolate.