Cox n' Crendor Show - Cox N' Crendor: Tuesday, June 24th 2014

Episode Date: June 24, 2014

Cox n' Crendor are back! Now with more kid parties, sexualized potatoes, ridiculous hats, movie reviews (GODZILLA SPOILERS), and the return of FLORIDA MAAAAAAAN!!!!...

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Hello everybody and welcome back to Cox and Crandon's It's the next Grendor in the morning! Puppet, Puppet, Puppet, Puppet! Grendor in the morning! Hello everybody and welcome back to Cox and Grendor in the morning. Hey. It's the morning. It's the morning right now, unless it's not. Yeah, in which case, what are you doing? Being on the other side of the world. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:00:38 Yeah. What's your problem? What is your problem? I'll tell you your problem. You aren't donating to our new patreon yeah which apparently is a thing now i uh even though i was skeptical crendor and all of you out there convinced me that we probably should do it so it will be happening very soon and we will probably do another podcast to let you know and from that point on, once it starts, really, we're doing bare minimum 15 episodes a month.
Starting point is 00:01:06 Bare minimum. Bare minimum. We'll probably do more. So that's good news for all of us, especially Crandor and I, because now we'll earn money for it. Yeah. I mean, you know, you don't get money. You give us money, but you get this show. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:01:23 Really? Someone thinks that's fair. I don't. Someone does. I don't. I think it's insane still. But for some reason, the internet has spoken, and we're going to go through with it. So that's what's happening.
Starting point is 00:01:34 So that is coming down the pipeline. Yep. Also, in case you weren't aware, apparently now there's a Cox and Crandor Wikia out there. What? It's like coxandcrandor.wikia.com or something, and I guess it just started, so go contribute to that. I don't know what you're going to write there. Don't write anything bad.
Starting point is 00:01:53 Yeah, or the internet police might come get you. And they're rough. They're rough. They do not play by the rules. They're all dirty Harrys and Robocops. Robocops are the worst. I know. I ran into one the other day at the grocery store, and he cut me in line.
Starting point is 00:02:10 What? I know, right? Wait, what? It's pretty rude. No, no. All right, is this a real story? No. I thought for a minute, like, some dude dressed as Robocop just cut you off in line.
Starting point is 00:02:22 Look, I'm just saying, Chicago is very close to Detroit. I don't know what goes on over there. It's been a long time since I've been to the Midwest. Chicago, it's like L.A., except with less wannabe actors. And more wannabe politicians. More wannabe politicians. It's a lot nicer because there's the changing seasons, and that means that the homeless people get killed off in the winter.
Starting point is 00:02:47 Wow. So we have like... Wow. It's true. So the actual homeless people we have, those are like the top tier homeless people because they've survived. They've survived.
Starting point is 00:03:03 Oh, shit. Winter came and they survived. They've survived. Winter came and they survived. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. I'm just saying. Ignore everything you just heard and let's move on
Starting point is 00:03:16 to something less disturbing. So today, I made a baked potato. I know. I went out and found a potato, the biggest, most luscious looking potato I could find. Are you positive? Positive. And I brought it home and I scrubbed it down with water to get all the dirt off of it.
Starting point is 00:03:39 And then I preheated my oven and I followed all the directions I saw online With that Italian, that crazy Italian guy That we know He's like, I'm making a baked potato It's so good And so I was very excited for this And the tip I learned Was that before you put salt or anything on it
Starting point is 00:04:00 Before you just bake it Or you don't put salt I guess on it But he said, rub it down with olive oil whoa and so i did i took olive oil and he said use your hands and i was like sure i'll use my hands so i rubbed down this potato with olive oil this picture like rubbing it down like yeah you like that potato here's the thing i think I spent ten minutes rubbing that potato. There was a moment when it crossed over from a man rubbing down a potato to a man sensualizing an earthen vegetable, a starch, in his hands with oil as I rubbed every nook and cranny. There's just something natural about it. And I realized, I'm kind of in love with this potato right now.
Starting point is 00:04:52 My hands were covered with oil. And so, like any smart person, I just wiped it on myself. Yep. It's like any smart person would do. I had no towels. I had no towels. I had no towels. And I figured, I'll just go take a shower after this. So I just wiped it on myself.
Starting point is 00:05:14 Which, spoiler, felt pretty great. It's like you're at the spa. It's the olive oil potato spa. It's getting a nice rub down. And then I put salt on it. And then I baked it. And then it came out and it was delicious And the best part was the skin on the outside That was the best part
Starting point is 00:05:31 The inside was nothing to write home about But the outside was so good It was so good I can taste it right now It was so good I was like I should make potatoes more often Why don't you? Because it took me It takes 60 minutes to bake a potato. That's a long time to bake a potato.
Starting point is 00:05:49 I know, right? I could have gone to like one Wendy's that's in L.A. somewhere and bought a baked potato. It wouldn't have been nearly as good, but it would have taken 10 minutes. Let me lay down some Dr. Oz on you. I thought Dr. Oz was crazy. Well, he is, but he knows. So he's perfect for you. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:06:08 All right, great, great. You got to buy the organic potatoes because regular potatoes are the most pesticide-sprayed-like thing, like out of all the things. Well, I wiped it down heavily, so I don't know what I got. It was big and luscious, and it looked like it needed to be. Well, I wiped it down heavily. So I don't know what I got. It was big and luscious. And it looked like it needed to be eaten. So I got it. And then I rubbed it down. Well, actually, I scrubbed it.
Starting point is 00:06:33 Then I rubbed it. And then I salted it. That sounds, again, like something you get in a spa. And it felt great for the potato, I'm sure. It felt great for me, too. It was liberating. It was liberating to rub oil on something. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:06:46 Yeah. I don't blame you, but I felt good about the whole thing. Probably pumped full of pesticides. Well, you know what? It hasn't killed me yet. So we're good.
Starting point is 00:06:55 That should be your motto. Hasn't killed me yet. So we're good. So we're good. So, uh, we promised people last time before we took an indeterminately long break. We were talking about movies.
Starting point is 00:07:12 Summer blockbusters. We were? Remember? We were. And we were going to talk about Godzilla. Oh, yeah. And then we were going to talk about probably X-Men. Yeah. And all sorts of different movies that came out this summer. And then we were going to talk about probably X-Men. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:07:25 And all sorts of different movies that came out this summer. I'm curious. So far this summer, what has been your favorite movie? My favorite movie so far this summer. Let's see. What have I seen? Saw Godzilla. Saw X-Men.
Starting point is 00:07:36 Saw, uh... Oh, what's that other movie? You know what I'm talking about. I do not know. The, uh... Can you describe it for me? Yeah. That, uh, guy...
Starting point is 00:07:51 Is like, uh... A. Yeah. That guy. I don't... That is the worst movie description I have ever heard of. Oh, Spider-Man. Spider-Man.
Starting point is 00:08:11 Uh-huh, uh-huh. Is there another Marvel movie? Can I ask you a question? All right. If you could describe one characteristic of every Marvel character, what would it be? So Spider-Man is A. All right, what is Iron Man? So Spider-Man is A. Alright, what is Iron Man? Iron Man is... Come on.
Starting point is 00:08:31 Okay. What is Thor? Thor is O. That's not... Okay, what about the Hulk? The Hulk is... The Hulk's always like... That's always... that's just the Hulk.
Starting point is 00:08:47 You are entirely stupid. You just don't understand. I don't. I don't understand. I'm the Hulk. Okay, so we were going to talk about Godzilla, and I want to know what you thought. So now that I've seen it, what are your thoughts on Godzilla? I'll tell you what I think.
Starting point is 00:09:08 Okay. I thought... It is... Uh-oh. I'm going to go first. Oh, fine. Because I want to see if my thoughts match your thoughts. Oh, that's probably not ever going to be accurate.
Starting point is 00:09:17 Ever. That's never going to happen. I thought Godzilla was average. I thought it needed more Godzilla. And I didn't really like the bug villain. And I thought it focused too much on that military guy. Yes, agreed. Too much military guy that no one cared about.
Starting point is 00:09:40 Not enough Bryan Cranston. Done. Agreed. They killed him off halfway through. Agreed. By the way, spoilers. Spo Agreed. They killed him off halfway through. Agreed. By the way, spoilers. Spoilers. They killed him off halfway through.
Starting point is 00:09:50 They probably paid him a bunch of money just to kill him off halfway through. Really? You know what it reminded me of? When I was a kid, there was a movie. I don't remember what it was called. It was a movie about terrorists taking over an airplane. And in order to save the airplane, Steven Seagal and some other dude, I don't remember who the other dude was, probably like Michael Douglas or something silly,
Starting point is 00:10:12 had to board the plane and save the president, right? And Steven Seagal, this is when Steven Seagal was big. This is when he was huge. This is when he was the biggest, baddest MF-er on the planet. And Steven Seagal, right, they get in a stealth fighter, and they fly up, and he's like, we're going to latch on to the bottom of the plane. And then we're going to get in the plane.
Starting point is 00:10:33 So they fly up in the thing, and they latch on, and they get Michael Douglas and one other guy inside. And then, oh no, there's turbulence! And he's like, you've got to go! And then he unhooks the thing, and the stealth fighter explodes, and Steven Seagal dies. In the first like 25 minutes. Oh, shit.
Starting point is 00:10:48 That's the only reason why I came to see this movie. I know. Same thing with Bryan Cranston. Same damn thing. What about X-Men? I love that movie. That was really good. I loved X-Men as well.
Starting point is 00:11:00 I saw X-Men twice because I liked it so much. I liked it because it gave me back the X-Men that I love. Look, I don't care that it was fan service. It was fan service. I don't care that it destroyed three previous other films. I don't care. What I do care about is that it gave me hope that they can turn it around
Starting point is 00:11:18 and make better X-Men movies in the future. That's all I care about. That was a really good X-Men movie. It was. Plus, what it did do is it lets us have 80s X-Men, which I want so badly. That way we can have, like, 80s Jubilee, right? Yeah. Like, I have firework powers and, like, 80s, I don't know. Cyclops.
Starting point is 00:11:44 He wears that 80s visor glasses? Yeah. Yes, I want that. I was thinking of like, what's Remy Lebeau's name? What's his thing? Oh. And he throws the cards. Gambit.
Starting point is 00:11:57 Oh my god, Gambit. Thank you. I like how I know his real name, not his. I know. I was like, wait, what? Unless, yes, that Remy Lebeau. Remy Lebeau. Remy Lebeau. I'm a huge fan of Logan.
Starting point is 00:12:09 Logan's my favorite. Yeah. And that. What was that? What was that? Did you just like. I said a boom, boom, clap. Oh, I'm trying to figure out what that was.
Starting point is 00:12:21 You were just slapping all over the place. That's what I do. I slap all over. Speaking of slapping, I'm thinking about that potato again. God, that was such a good potato. God, my keyboard. Hold on. For all you young podcasters out there, if you're ever trying to record, it's not going to help you if your keyboard breaks.
Starting point is 00:12:42 So get a good keyboard and don't spill coke into it. It's not gonna help you if your keyboard breaks. So get a good keyboard and don't spill coke into it. This kind of great information is what you can hear on the Patreon paid for... Yep. Cox and Crandor in the morning. Mm-hmm. There we go. All right, so any other movies?
Starting point is 00:12:57 I'm gonna say that from now on, for all you young podcasters out there. That's really stupid. There's a guy in hockey and he's like, for all you young hockey players out there. That's really stupid. There's a guy in hockey and he's like, for all you young hockey players out there. So I'm going to say for all you young podcasters out there. Spider-Man was garbage. I didn't like Spider-Man even though everyone else was like, it's great. It was stupid.
Starting point is 00:13:16 I mean, I didn't think it was bad. Where are you at right now? I'm plugging it in. Oh, there we go. We're trying to insult Spider-Man, not mess with your keyboard. So, uh... Hey, I'm Spider-Man! So...
Starting point is 00:13:34 Wait, where was I? Oh, yeah. So, Spider-Man is alright. Like, I didn't think it was bad. But, I mean, I never read the comic books. There is, like, a bit too much... What am I trying to say? what are you trying to say okay first off I didn't like when they're in
Starting point is 00:13:49 New York City and they're all just like sitting around like watching them fight like I'd be like I'd be running away oh alright I was like that's like 90% of the movie there's like what's all sit around and watch the fight like it's a container like a boxing match or so yeah they're always like barriers and
Starting point is 00:14:03 everyone all the crowd of people are like, it's Spider-Man. They're just watching this battle go on. It's like, hold up. If people in New York ever saw that go down in real life, they'd be like, oh, hell no. They would get out of there real quick. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:14:16 I'd give it a solid C+. I mean, what would you give a talking cat? Oh, I'd give a talking cat a solid three. A talking cat is better than Spider-Man 2. He at least said talking cat in it. Yeah. One of those movies had a premise I bought, and the other one was Spider-Man.
Starting point is 00:14:40 Yep. All right. Well, those are the movies. I would bring up things like Maleficent Which I don't care about Which you know I haven't seen yet so Maleficent let me tell you something about Maleficent Was it as awful as I imagined it to be
Starting point is 00:14:55 It is a really really really average movie What Angelina Jolie in a really average movie What I'd give it that movie I'd give a solid like D plus What? Angelina Jolie in a really average movie? What? I'd give it, that movie I'd give a solid D+. Wow. Solid D+. Wow, even worse than Spider-Man?
Starting point is 00:15:11 So it's two ratings lower than a talking cat. Yeah. Poor Angelina Jolie. Beat up by a talking cat. At the Jesse Oscars. I handed an award to a cat before I handed an award to Angelina Jolie. That's the kind of Oscars Leonardo DiCaprio wants to be at. Oh yeah, I saw Wolf on Wall Street. Oh, how was that?
Starting point is 00:15:37 There's a lot of vulgar things. A lot of crack, or not crack, cocaine. And whores. And whores. And whores. And coke whores. There's also, spoiler, he snorts cocaine off of whores. Now that's the kind of movie I can get behind. Here's the thing.
Starting point is 00:15:56 If the whore was a talking cat, then that's like the post-Oscar award winning role the cat takes. Because the cat won for Talking Cat, which is like the post-Oscar award-winning role the cat takes. Because the cat won for Talking Cat, which is like the breakthrough role, right? That's like Tom Hanks playing Forrest Gump, right? A cat that can talk, that's breakthrough. Then the next role is dangerous, and it's a whore that gets Coke sniffed off its butt fur. Yeah. That's the one.
Starting point is 00:16:22 Right off the butt fur. Right off the butt fur. Right off the butt fur. That's why at your Oscars, Leonardo DiCaprio would be a winner. He's always a winner in my book. Yep. Except for when he drowns. Yep. I think now, because we did that, we should get to the normal state of affairs. Yes.
Starting point is 00:16:43 Get back on track here. That's why it's time to go to Chaptercaptor's Den with this guy, Grendor. Grendor, how's that traffic out there? Traffic today is pretty good. Chaptercaptor's a little rusty from not being used in a while. But you know what? Just oil it up. A little bit of W40 or whatever that's called.
Starting point is 00:17:01 It's good as new. We got people heading back to work. We got school is out so a lot of kids running around. I do see a pack of kids trying to fight the ice cream man. He is now running away and the
Starting point is 00:17:16 kids are starting to flip that truck over. So if you're taking the I-45, just be careful. There's a flipped over ice cream truck with a bunch of kids stealing ice cream off it. Back to you in the studio. Thanks, Grendor. So, question. Answer.
Starting point is 00:17:31 Why are kids running on the highway to get an ice cream truck? That's what happens when they're out of school. Damn kids, that's why we should have year-round school. Yeah, I know. We should have year-round school. I don't like it. I don't like going out in the summer and there's kids places. I want quiet and
Starting point is 00:17:48 coffee. Damn kids, I tried to walk down to the beach the other day. You know who was down there? Kids. Wow. Kids. Everywhere. Kids. Walking around. Showing off their bikinis. I don't got time for that. Stop being too young for me to hit on you.
Starting point is 00:18:04 Yeah. Assholes. I don't want time for that. Stop being too young for me to hit on you. Yeah. Asshole. I don't want to go to jail for you, you asshole. Yeah, you asshole. Yeah, asshole. Asshole. And then I go to buy some groceries. There's kids all over.
Starting point is 00:18:15 Go out to breakfast. Kids all over. Go to Home Depot. There's some kids there. Damn kids. Come on. I want to buy my aunt traps in peace. What are they going to do?
Starting point is 00:18:26 Build a kid party? Build a kid party? Don't watch the kid party? What's a kid system? I don't know! It's like a bunch of sticks. Like a blanket. Like, welcome to the kid party.
Starting point is 00:19:06 That sounds horrifying. Warning. That's like an episode of Hannibal. Welcome to the kid party. Now we put you in the blanket and beat you with sticks. That's how you build a kid party. That's horrifying. I know.
Starting point is 00:19:24 All right. That's why we should just keep them in school. That's horrifying. I know. All right. That's why we should just keep them in school. That's why. And they're learning. Year-round school. They're learning in school. Yep. Everyone who's ever graduated from high school always believes in year-round school after they're out of school.
Starting point is 00:19:35 I know. Damn kids. Go back to school year-round. Yeah. Now it's time for sports. All right. Time for sports. Or wait.
Starting point is 00:19:43 Don't we do weather first? Oh, we probably should. But you know what? The weather's always sunny in Florida, and that's where we're headed next. So let's do sports. Okay. So sports got some exciting news today. First off, Padres relief pitcher Alex Torres is the first pitcher to wear protective cap.
Starting point is 00:20:00 What? First pitcher to wear the new protective cap. And you got to see this. It sounds like you're talking about a condom. Just look at his hat. Yep. It's the new protective hat. That's the thumbnail for this episode.
Starting point is 00:20:18 That's the most ludicrous thing I've ever seen. It looks like he's wearing a hat that's like five sizes too big. It looks like when you give a kid, like a little kid, a fitted hat. And you're like, you'll grow into it. Or he's like a cabbie, like, get in my car. Also, the USA... Football? What?
Starting point is 00:20:40 Football? Football. USA tied Portugal. You see that? I did. I did see that. Which I'm not sure what that means. Do we have. You see that? I did. I did see that, which I'm not sure what that means. Do we have to fight Germany now? Is that what's next?
Starting point is 00:20:50 I mean, we had to fight Germany anyway, but we have to either tie or beat Germany. In order to go on to the next one? I don't actually know, but that's what the... That doesn't make any sense, because right now we're tied. Because I looked up the scores earlier, and we have four points, and Germany has four points, and Portugal has two, and whatever that other one, Ghana, I think, has one, which means we're way ahead.
Starting point is 00:21:17 And if Ghana and Portugal play and Portugal wins, which they probably will, then even that – I don't understand how any of it works. Look, I don't get how it works. Soccer is too confusing. Just when America is starting to get the hype, we're starting to get the soccer hype, and everyone's like, oh, football, football, we're all excited about it. You know what?
Starting point is 00:21:33 We're just going to lose, and then we'll go back next week to not carry. The British announcer guy was all like, and in comes Chimichanga. And I was like, did he just say Chimichanga's replacing him? I could have. I swore. I tweeted it. It had 35 favorites. And people were like, yeah, I thought he said that too.
Starting point is 00:21:52 It seriously sounded like the guy's name is Chimichanga. He's like, and in comes the caper. The caper's being replaced by Chimichanga. Hold on. What team was this? We're looking this up right now. What team was this? Hold on. What team was this? We're looking this up right now. What team was this? Hold on.
Starting point is 00:22:06 Maybe somebody else. If a World Cup, we'll go back to yesterday matches. This was United States versus Portugal, right? Yeah. All right. The lineups. The lineups for the teams. Do you know what team they were talking about?
Starting point is 00:22:23 I mean, just look through the names. He's a substitute, right? So he had to have come in. He had to have come in. There's Viharina, Eduardo, Varela, Amarim, Edir, William, Luis Neto, Rafael, J. Green, Yedlin, Brooks, Johans, Disker, Gonzalez, Chandle, Wondolo, Guzon, Davis, and Rimnando. There's not a chimichanga there.
Starting point is 00:22:52 There's no chimichanga. I feel like you're an insane person. No, someone tweeted at me. Justin Tailboom said, dude, that's what I heard. I'm not alone. Maybe that's one of their nicknames. Like, here comes little chimichanga. Maybe it is.
Starting point is 00:23:07 It must be. Known for the 1996 bout against Spain in which he ate a chimichanga while defending the gold. It's called chimichanga. I heard it. I heard it well enough that I tweeted about it. I was like, that dude just said chimichanga. You were probably very hungry. Uh-huh.
Starting point is 00:23:27 I was reading a statistic about viewership, and they were saying that World Cup watching in the United States has gone up, and it's like 15 million people in the United States are watching it or something like that. And then it said, compared to the Super Bowl, which 140-some million Americans watch. I was like, oh, yeah, we're getting there. We're really getting into the, uh, we'll definitely catch it up. Oh, yeah, America, we definitely liking football. It's like, you just, you can't beat football here in America.
Starting point is 00:23:56 Like, true football, not the nerd cup. Which is interesting because I think at Subway right now, Pele is all over the place. Our man, Pele, who's looking very good for a guy who's like 70-something, he's promoting Subway subs. Oh, yes, Pele. Everyone's tweeting me like, Pele. I am all about it.
Starting point is 00:24:17 I love him. I love that man. I love that man too, Pele. We still don't know very much about him, but I know he's famous, and so I love him. Maybe he played in a World Cup and did really well. Well, I think he did more than that. I think he inspired generations of soccer players. Oh.
Starting point is 00:24:33 I mean, that's pretty good, too. Sports. Like I had mentioned, we are going to go to Florida. It's been a while since we've gone to Florida and visited Florida Man. The shitty tie into weather is that it's always sunny there. Florida man offered salad in return for sex. Did he take it? No, no.
Starting point is 00:24:56 He, he's the one who offered the salad. Someone offered him salad. No, no. All right. Alonzo Liverman, which is an amazing name. Alonzo Liverman. Short on cash, the 29-year-old Florida man allegedly offered to provide a salad to a prostitute in exchange for oral sex. Can you imagine all the amazing things he's probably like,
Starting point is 00:25:27 damn, girl, I got that dressing for your salad. Like, the things this guy was saying, I imagine, were hilarious. Oh, man. Or he was just a Florida man who was like, yo, I got salad, you want to do it? Here's the best part. He was arrested Monday morning during a reverse sting that netted nine other men for soliciting a prostitute.
Starting point is 00:25:47 The hookers in question were actually undercover Daytona Beach Police Department officers. Oh. While negotiating with the liaison, Liverman, who was operating a bicycle. He just rode up on a bicycle with a salad. It was like, hey, girl. Oh, my God. This is amazing. Wait, wait.
Starting point is 00:26:12 So he rolls up on this bicycle, and he reveals to the prostitute, a.k.a. police officer, that he has no money. And so the police officer says, well, I'm hungry. Do you have any food? And he says, I got a salad. officer says, well, I'm hungry. Do you have any food? And he says, I got a salad. And then he offers the salad to her for sex. Yep. That is amazing. That's an amazing story. That is an amazing story. That guy, he knew, he knew. Look, this lady, she's hard up on food. Maybe I can get a BJ or a salad.
Starting point is 00:26:46 That's all he wanted. That's all he wanted? Really? He wasn't there for the prostitution. He was there to give a woman on the street a salad, help her get her veg on. Yep. And all he wanted was a little pinch and squeal. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:27:00 A little poke and tickle. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with that. If anything, he was doing a service. That money could have been used for drugs. He brought her food instead. That's helping a woman of the street out. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. She's a cop. That's doing what the government isn't doing. Feeding the needy.
Starting point is 00:27:14 Exactly. Exactly. Go Florida man. He's doing it. We have another amazing story. Florida man drives naked, masturbates in an attempt to entice trucker. How do you do that? Corey Evans, a 20-year-old from Boca Raton, Florida,
Starting point is 00:27:35 was arrested in April by Florida Highway Patrol troopers. They received a call at about 12.49 a.m. reporting that Evans was masturbating while driving down Interstate 95. What did I tell you guys? The capital of masturbation in public, Florida. Yep. The caller who called in to the police was a semi-truck driver, said that Evans was completely naked behind the wheel.
Starting point is 00:28:01 It seemed to be matching the speed of the rig. wheel it seemed to be matching the speed of the rig the semi semi truck driver told police evans seemed to be enticing him he was in charge with indecent exposure might have just been uh forgot to zip it up from peeing and last april former vice mayor of a Tennessee town was accused of masturbating with his penis out the car window whilst driving 90 miles an hour. What? How do you even
Starting point is 00:28:34 do that? How is that possible? Either that guy is the best driver ever or he has a giant penis. Because how do you imagine how you would how would you maneuver? How would you do that in the car?
Starting point is 00:28:51 I have no idea. You'd have to like How do you do that? I don't know. He must like use maybe he's really flexible. Maybe he has a driver.
Starting point is 00:29:01 He was like James drive the car 90 miles per hour whilst I masturbate out this window. Yes, sir. He just starts driving, and then he rolls down the window, and he's just jerking out the back seat while his driver's like, here we go again, sir. Yep. Cheeseburger in paradise. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:29:23 Cheeseburger in paradise. Speaking of my God. Cheeseburger in Paradise. Speaking of which, Florida man hits pregnant woman with cheeseburger. Why? Why would that happen? Well, a man was arrested after hitting a pregnant family member with a cheeseburger and then shoving her. and then shoving her. According to the arrest reports, the victim told sheriff's deputies that Taylor Allen Stevens of Crestview hit her in the face with a cheeseburger during an argument and then shoved her to the floor.
Starting point is 00:29:53 How do you get so mad at someone that you whack them with food? I don't know. You just get so angry you hit them with food. Like, I'm done. Cheeseburger. Cheeseburger. Cheeseburger of vengeance. I wish she called her shot.
Starting point is 00:30:15 She, like, yelled out, cheeseburger, and just whacked her with it. There's also this Florida man who used a welder to try and remove his tattoos. Wait, he's a welder and he used a grinder to remove tattoos. So basically, he was going to grind down the tattoo and so he just burnt off his skin? Yes. Well, that's stupid stupid That man's stupid He is stupid And then there's paramedics find squirrel parts in Florida man's butt
Starting point is 00:30:50 Oh, after he shoots himself with shotgun What? Wait, what? Yep Why were they looking up his butt? I mean He shot himself with a shotgun That doesn't mean like Alright, look up his butt I mean he shot himself with a shotgun that doesn't mean like all right look up his ass Department of Emergency Medicine University of Florida gunshot wound
Starting point is 00:31:16 contamination with squirrel tissue what wait did he try to shoot a squirrel off of him or something and then it ended up up his butt? Wound on posterior buttock. Oh, it wasn't up his butt. It was like shot up into his butt. Wait, so a squirrel was like on his ass and he tried to shoot the squirrel off? This is like an actual medical report. I can't read this.
Starting point is 00:31:43 This doesn't make any sense. The patient underwent six days of bed rest with a wound vacuum system in place before taking to the operating room for possible closure. The wound exhibited dusky edges further into the hospital stay. Also required removing birdshot pellets
Starting point is 00:32:00 and more pieces of squirrel tissue and fur. He shot himself in the ass trying to kill a squirrel. He did. Only Florida Man would be so dumb. Oh, no, Squirrely! Oh, no! Florida Man killed Squirrely.
Starting point is 00:32:15 Squirrely was just trying to get the noose. Oh, no. Oh, no. It's not Florida Man and Squirrely. Now it's just not Florida Man and Squirrely. Now it's just like Florida Man and Squirrely. Who's dead? All right, guys. I think that's it for today.
Starting point is 00:32:36 We will be back very shortly with some all-new episodes, and we will have a lot of fun, and hopefully you'll be there to join us. And as always always to be continued

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