Cox n' Crendor Show - Episode 411 - Santa is Gandalf

Episode Date: December 26, 2023

The boys are back and it's Christmas time at the Cox n' Cren studios. Of course the boys have a lot to say about the music of the holidays - after all, it's pretty crazy. Also is Santa like Gandalf? How do elves work!? Meanwhile Jesse sees the two highest men on planet earth, so holiday cheer in full effect. And then just cause it's that time of year, let's look at more fun wacky world traditions! Go to http://factormeals.com/cox50 and use code cox50 to get 50% off. Grab the exclusive NordVPN deal ➼ https://nordvpn.com/cox and get extra subscription time. Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guarantee. Thanks to NordVPN for sponsoring our show. Go to http://meundies.com/cox to get 20% off your first order and free shipping.

Today's episode is brought to you by Factor. Factor has the good meals delivered right to your home. Also today we're brought to you by NordVPN. NordVPN's here to keep you real safe online. And also today we're brought to you by MeUndies. MeUndies are the undies that I have on me. Let's jump to this podcast. Hello everybody, it's time for Ghost on Trend Dog. This is Trend Dog in the morning. In the morning. In the morning! We're broadcasting live, live, live, live, live!

In 4-hour recording studios! Recording! Wake your ass up! It's Gags and Crendog in the morning! Hello everybody, welcome to another episode of Gags and Crandor in the morning! It's a Christmas morning episode. It's Christmas morning episode. Do-do-do. Episode Christmas. I thought you were going to do like a Christmas song, but you did like, uh, The Farmer and the A.S.

No, I wasn't. The Dog and the Glen. i wasn't doing the christmas tree they're like oh christmas tree oh christmas i just thought you were going and then you faded away i mean i wasn't trying to i think i'm just bad at singing there was a today while we were making cookies my uh parents and i there was whatever the hell my mom decided to pick for music. There was a considerable amount of Jiminy Cricket songs. I didn't know such a thing existed. We got Jiminy Cricket doing like,

was the night before Christmas singing a Christmas song. And then after the song, Mickey Mouse shows up and he's like, Merry Christmas. And I was like, what the hell? And then they did one where it was all of the shows up and he's like, ha ha, Merry Christmas. And I was like, what the hell? And then they did one where it was all of the Jiminy Crane's like, with my Disney family. And then Goofy shows up and Donald and the kids.

And then for some reason, Scrooge is there singing about Christmas. I was like, hold up. The whole point is he's not into Christmas. Anyway, it was lovely. I don't know why there were so many songs. And what's crazy is one of them repeated twice. And I was like, what is this playlist? Why is this on?

Not a fan. Not a fan of it. Usually we have like, it's Christmas time and we're all drunk. We're all kind of bad. Every smell likes gum. And if you want to drink with us, come on down. It's 1955. Right?

Like that's the music we usually have. No, it was like, Merry Christmas. It's me. My name is Goofy. We were like, what the hell? I was like, what is happening? Mom, where is this music from? It was Rockin' Baby Jesus.

Yeah, we didn't have any Rockin' Zero. Rockin' Baby Jesus. Rockin' Baby Jesus? Yeah, we didn't have any Rockin' Zero Rockin' Baby Jesus. Rockin' Baby Jesus. For 20 some years we've had the exact same playlist. And this is the year that you're like I'm gonna switch it up and get crazy. Like, okay. Where'd she even find it? I don't know. I couldn't

tell you. Usually she plays it all from her phone and it's just the same thing she's always had. This year, she played it from her phone and the music that came out was like wah-wah- and the music came out was like i'm a little kid and i'm thinking about christmas like what is this you know there were no old crooners drinking the entire time i was listening to like christmas songs for a couple weeks now and i've hit the point where i'm just truly tired of them there's like some where I'm like nice but like I'm I'm all Christmased out especially now that it is Christmas but I will say there are some songs that are like just worse than others at least in my mind like they kept playing uh so worse yes like that one is it the

Michael Jackson as a kid where he's like, Santa Claus is coming to town. I hate that song. Maybe it's because they played it so much. But I just, I can't stand it anymore. Oh, the one where he's like, hey, look who's getting Santa Claus. Yeah, that one. And then he's like, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. He sings that too.

That's the other one. But objectively, those are good songs compared kissing Santa Claus. He sings that too. That's the other one. But when you think about that. But objectively, those are good songs compared to some of the other ones that exist. You might have heard them too much, but those are objectively good. They are objectively good songs. It's just, I think, yeah, hearing them so much, it just started getting on my nerves. Let me tell you, the difference between on this playlist, there was one song was like,

Santa is a coming.anta is a coming and then immediately afterwards was mariah carey and the difference in the quality of the songs is so dramatic that i would rather listen to mariah carey sing 15 times in a row than whatever the hell that like santa's coming you You better watch out. Santa's coming. I was like, this is so bad. My parents have, you know, baby, it's cold outside. They have that song. And, you know, I always have been just like, all right. I don't know why people are so upset.

Like, everyone's kind of pissed. Like, oh, that song. Oh, that's not a good song. Right? Like, the message in that song's bad. I've never seen that until tonight when I was there with my mom and dad and the song comes on,

my dad's like, oh, I love this song. It's so sexy. And I was like, okay, it's a creepy song. You know what? It's a creepy song. That's all you need. My head goes, it's so sexy. And I was like, what?

I was like, yeah, this is a creepy song there's like when you really read some christmas song like i was reading the the song right and it's just like i saw mommy kissing santa claus under the mistletoe last night she didn't see me creep down the stairs to have a peep right she thought i was asleep i saw mommy saw mommy tickle Santa Claus underneath his beard. What? And then they're like, my dad would have got really mad. So it's like she's just cheating on her husband with Santa. But the idea is that it's the dad. The son or daughter just doesn't know that it's the dad.

Wait, what? Yes. I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. The goof is that the dad is dressed up like Santa. That's supposed to be the goof? I didn't even know that. I thought she was just cheating on him with Santa. I used to be like, that mom's banging Santa.

Yeah. Well, that's what it made it out to be. I mean, she still could be. They could be like it's a goof, but maybe not. There is no definite. Yeah, you're right. There is no definite answer there. Yeah.

But I think the goof is the dad is dressed like Santa so he could, you know, if the kids saw him. It makes no sense if the kids are asleep, mind you. It makes no sense. Yeah. But, yeah. I guess that would, would you know it's like oh yeah we see dads but at the same time could you imagine right dude santa's just like all right i'm just showing up for these presents then the mom's just waiting for him there and he's like where's your husband and she's like who cares i'm gonna tickle your beard santa baby and and Mommy Kisses Santa Claus are a back-to-back. That is one through line. The Santa Baby is literally just like, Santa Baby, I'll give you lots of smooches and stuff.

Yeah, she just wants to bang Santa. She's just like, she went out to the bar hoping to find Santa there. Santa Baby, she literally is literally like bring me a car I think is that song she wants stuff from Tiffany's she wants like Fur coat a yacht like oh yeah. Oh, yeah, he's not making yachts. Just make well That's that's when Santa's banging you he's made like He's like yelling at the elves, like, make a yacht. And they're like, we don't know how to do that.

We just know how to make toys. He's like, I don't give a shit. Make a yacht. You guys figured out the personal computer. You can figure out a yacht. All right. Which, by the way, when you think about it, Santa's like old as shit, right?

Yeah, that's why that one song is about getting a sugar daddy santa's the sugar daddy this thing says santa's 1741 years old yeah i mean that's probably for an elf dude that's like 17 yeah but, then he's like, how do you age, right? He aged up to like an old man, but then he just stopped? Unless he's like using magic to pretend he's an old man. Dude, the reindeer fly. I'm pretty sure it's a magical thing. That's true.

It could just be magical. They're elves. He's a man who hangs out with elves. So I assume he's already an elf. He's just an older, wiser elf. Yeah assume he's already an elf He's just an older wiser elf Yeah That actually checks out he is an elf Or he's like Gandalf and that he's a type of special wizard guy

Who You know like the blue wizards And he traveled off from middle earth And he's just old as shit And he can be old And they arrived old I'm pretty sure the wizards just showed up as old men, right? I don't think there's ever like a young Adventures of Gandalf.

So what if he's like that and then all the elves hang out with him and they all live for like a long time? Because you never see any elves that are like, my name's Oldo. I'm just 5,000 years old. It's ironic they called me Oldo, but here we are. Yeah, and then you don't see those. All the elves are like, sure thing, Santa. And they smoke, too, for some reason.

Oh, they definitely. I mean, you've been making toys all day. Yeah. That's why they had to move away from wood toys. Too many fires. Yeah. I mean, do you think they even sleep? Do they have to sleep?

I don't know. I don't know what the rules with elves, especially tiny elves. Like tall elves, like video game elves, no clue. Tiny elves? I don't know. I don't know how that works. I don't know how that works. Do you think because they're smaller, they expend less energy? They have to sleep less?

Or is that what Santa tells them? I think that's what Santa tells them. I'm running a business here. How do the elves procreate? Do they just get, are they like Uruk-hai? Does Santa just like form them like the Uruk-hai? I feel like it's a very Uruk-hai thing, but it's instead of mud and goop, it's whenever they have too much candy and puke, a little elf comes out.

I'm a candy child, right? He has to give them the Santa handprint. Instead, it's like And he's like And he like puts the hand on their face He's been marked He's ready for toy making The elf just comes out

He's like It's like T-Rex arms Wiggling around And they get born with like a hat on already They already got their elf hat It's part T-Rex arms are like wiggling around. And they get born with like a hat on already. They already got their elf hats. It's part of their body. It grows with them like a turtle shell. Yeah.

You gotta have that hat. I also just tried to go to the website that tracks Santa and it's down. He's not done yet. That man's still got work to do. Yeah, but Santa and it's down. What the? He's not done yet. That man's still got work to do. Yeah, but it says it's tracking him. That's why I was like, okay, I will try to go there. This says it's still up. Some lady on Twitter said he's still going.

He's over Albany, New York right now, and he's delivered 5.8 billion GIFs. That's too many GIFs. That's too many GIFs. That's too many GIFs. Yeah, I'm looking at the NORAD Santa tracker and it says it's loading. It says he's headed toward Piwanuk, Ontario, Canada. In 34 seconds, you better go to bed, kids. You gotta go to bed.

He's gonna be there soon. He's last seen in Timmins. Timmins? Timmins, Ontario. Oh. He's spending a lot of time in. Timmins? Timmins, Ontario. Oh. He's spending a lot of time in Canada. I'm going to be real with you. Yeah, he's spending a little too much time in Canada, I think. Like, how many kids actually live in

Pewanuk, Ontario? Like, six kids probably. Yeah, there's like nobody there. Plus, nobody there. When you think about these reindeer, like, do they prepare for this all year? Like, what's their training regimen? Like, they got to go through, like, they work out. You got to stay in shape.

These are some old-ass reindeer, too. This is like the 90s bulls. It really is. Yeah. Like, they've been here for years. You know what? I bet, like, a dog on TV, he's replaced him and just not told anybody. Yeah.

This says Rudolph's 84, right? Rudolph retired 60 years ago. Yeah, he's retired. That means everyone else is probably around that age. Yeah, they're all, you know, just old reindeer. Yeah. I mean, what if we had a point where everyone's like, listen, like Comet, Cupid, and Blitzen, they can't do it anymore. They have arthritis.

Their legs are giving out. We got to bring in some new ones. Yeah, so we have Rainy Reindeer and Riz Master 5000. Yeah, all the new ones. Yeah, you need Riz Master 5000 leading that sleigh. Yeah, you got gotta have them all yeah skibbity skibbity toilet deers there ready to go it's a new generation of toilets and it doesn't matter no not toilets reindeers generation of toilets and they got uh he's got like a toilet lid or seat just around his head.

Yeah, that checks out. Yeah. What's weird is that according to the NORAD radar, the way he travels isn't east to west or west to east. He travels north to south. So the way he goes around it is by, which ironically is also by time zone and just very quickly from North to South. So the reason why he's making his way through Ontario now is because he's got to hit all the Ontario places before hitting Ohio, Michigan, Wisconsin, Illinois. So he's basically just like trying to make his way. All right.

You know, who might've judged? He's been doing it for thousands of years. He's been doing it for thousands of years. Well, 1700 ish, but you're right. You know who might have judged? He's been doing it for thousands of years. Yeah, he's been doing it for thousands of years. Well, 1700-ish. But still. You're right. You're actually correct. Yeah, you're right.

You're right. 1,000 plus a few hundred. Yeah. I mean, just think back then, back prior to 1,700, 1,800 years ago, no Santa. Yeah. What was he up to? Probably wasn't born yet. I don't know. or maybe he was formed

yeah did he have to like battle a balrog he probably did i am sent to the gray but now i'm sent to the red he's just he probably had to like fight someone in the afterlife or not even the afterlife some other dimension yeah and then he came here as our guardian yeah we could have had one of the other guardians we could have got like gunther gunther will arrive and instead of milk and cookies he wanted like water and celery or some shit i mean that's why that's why Gunther is the official spokesperson for Whole Foods. That's where you get water celery. Yeah. And that's really the meaning of Christmas.

I think so. I think so. Can I tell you something incredible? Earlier this week, I went to my favorite taco place down the street. Yeah. And I called in an order because I was like, well, I'm on my way home. I'm going to go pick it up, take it, go home, eat that taco. I was ready to go.

I was so excited. I got the two Taco Dorado combo potato tacos. Oh, yeah. I love the potato tacos. Very excited. Yeah. So I roll up into the place. As I park my car, I see these two guys going in in front of me

i cannot express to you on i'm gonna try to describe them there are druggies and then there are these two dudes i don't know what they were on i'm not sure they will ever come off of what they were on because they one guy was this like really thin black dude with long like almost immaculate dreads right but the rest of him he was like leaning i'm gonna say 85 degrees one way right he looked he looked he was dressed amazingly but he looked like he was slanted and he was like trying to keep upright. And the guy next to him really buff jacked white dude. The other day we were talking about velour track suits. Yep. This guy was in a velour track suit that definitely should have been thrown away.

I'm going to say 12 years ago. It had rips in it and he was just sitting there. And it was also like a bright teal velour track suit. Right. And this guy, he had a hat and the hat used to say something on it, but it faded off. And he's like, man, this place, you're going to love it, man. And the one guy with the dress is like, what do you mean? And the guy was like, this place has the best burgers, man.

The best. Here's the thing. There is a Mexican place in the area that does have incredible burgers, like the best in the city. Right. But not this place. This place only serves Mexican food. This dude was like, it is the best burgers, man.

And the guy was like, I don't even see it on the menu. He's like, oh, man, you got to eat the burgers, man. So one guy is going off on how they have to order burgers. The other guy is half alive, almost falling over the entire conversation. Meanwhile, I see my order on the counter just sitting there. I'm like, do I move past these guys? Ask for my order. Do I wait patiently for them to order food and the

more they talked and the more i realized there was no burgers i was like jesse we are waiting patiently because this is a story for cox and crendor oh 100 and so he keeps saying like you gotta get the burger man it's so good And the sad thing was the poor woman behind the counter. I don't think she understands English at all. And she kept saying to them, yes, yes. Delicious, delicious, delicious. And I assume they took that to mean the burgers are good. Yeah.

So the one who's swaying and cannot figure out what the hell he wants to do with his feet, the guy who's just back and forth, he walks up to the counter and he asks for a burger. And the guy cooking the food goes, no burger, no burger, burrito. And then the guy looked at them like, wait, but I thought you had burgers. My friend says you have burgers. The guy next to him, the dude who was just like super high, the Jack guy goes, what the hell have I been eating for six years? I honestly, God, think he just didn't know where he was.

What the hell have I been eating for six years? That is. So he's just, he thought he have I been eating for six years? That is. So he's just, he thought he was at his favorite burger place, but he's at a place that literally just serves burritos. I think he just, yeah, I don't know. Again, maybe he, I, in my mind, originally I was like, oh, he's thinking of the other Mexican place down the street that has burgers. And there he's just confused and he's hot. But at that point I was like, maybe he he's thinking of the other Mexican place down the street that has burgers. And there he's just confused and he's hot. But at that point, I was like, maybe he just thinks he's at a burger restaurant and he just doesn't know. I have no idea what's going on in his head.

So his friend's like, well, I have to figure out what I want then. And so the big Jack dude goes up to the counter. He's like, all right, this is what I'm here for. And he orders like 16 things off the menu. What the shit? And then when the woman is like, all right, that'll be like $42. The man pulls out a roll of ones. He's like, I'm going to get rid of these.

He starts counting ones. And I'm just sitting there like, stop. All right, this is a mistake. All I wanted was my food. Now you gotta wait. He's counting the ones. He's like one, two, three. He's like leaning over the counter trying to hold on so he doesn't fall over. Meanwhile,

the entire time he's doing this, it's also a little bit disgusting because I've seen him at this point scratch the crack of his ass like seven times. Yep. Sounds about right. And when he finally is done paying, he looks at this woman and,

but she's taken all of his money that has been handled by his ass crack hands. Not even like through his pants. I'm talking like behind the pants, actual ass crack. Yep. And I was his pants. I'm talking like behind the pants, actual ass crack. Yep. And I was like, okay, so note to self, look and see what hand she grabs my food with and do not.

I was like, I'm not taking that crap that. So anyway, he gives her the money and then he finally says, excuse me. Um, well, my friend orders, you guys have like a bathroom. I need to wash my hands. And I was like, okay, all right. First off, good on him. Second off, how deep was he in his ass? That's all I want to know.

And the woman's like, no public bathroom. And the guy goes, you got nowhere I can pee? And she's like, I thought you needed to wash your hands. He's like, wash my hands? And he's like, what about that sink right there? She's like, you're not going to pee in the sink. He's like, no, I need to wash my hands. She's like, I'm not going to let you in the sink the cooks use.

The guy's like, well, what am I supposed to do? She goes, we have hand sanitizer right here. And the guy's like, oh, hand sanitizer ruins my skin. This is the crustiest looking man I've ever seen. He needed hand sanitizer and he wouldn't do it. So finally his friend orders. This guy's like, I need to find someplace to wash my hands.

So I grabbed my food. I'm walking out the door. This guy's in front of me now leaving to go to the restaurant next door, which is this, I want to say Mediterranean, but I think it's just like a meat and kebab place. I don't think there's any Mediterranean, right? And he opens

the door and this guy's, I swear to you, this guy goes, you can't keep coming in here asking to use the bathroom. So apparently he'd done it before Bro I have no answers On any of this I think maybe that dude really just thought that

He was eating burgers when he was eating burritos the entire time Or maybe He thought the word burger was burrito Because he was so out of his mind Los Angeles baby Los Angeles Because he clearly has been there Yes he's clearly been Because he clearly has been there.

Yes, he's clearly been there because the dude next door was like, you've got to stop coming in here. Ask him to wash your hands. That is what a person. Yeah. Meanwhile, his friend, 70, 80 degree angle. He was almost just completely sideways. He was leaning so his feet perfectly flat on the ground. The rest of his body leaning to the side at a drastic level.

It was crazy looking. That is man. Well, at least you know that that man washes his hands sometimes i mean yeah yeah i also know that he doesn't he probably doesn't he's never showered but he won't use hand sanitizer because it ruins his skin maybe you know what maybe he's like one of those people that's like i don't water and and soap products that's what kills you i only clean myself with mint leaves mania you always know the power of mint truly is unremarkable i only use eucalyptus on my skin? I was going to mention, because you referenced the suit.

I was going to bring up how we watched Madea's Christmas. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. I've seen clips of Madea, but I've never sat through an entire Madea movie. And honestly, I wasn't disappointed. I'm going to let you know the secret. Madea movies are terrible, but they are an incredibly fun watch. Yes.

They're not good. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone unless they're in the mood to sit through a Madea movie. But if you can do it, you will have a great time because it's like insane. It's truly, it is insane on a level that, a great example

is, for those who missed the movie, there's a moment of great reveal where an hour and 20 minutes into an hour and 30 minutes of film, the mother who's like, I don't want you dating this boy. I don't like him. The reveal from the daughter is, Mama, I know.

Ever since a white man killed father. And then they double the reveal and pull a reverse uno when Medea's like, no white man killed your daddy. He just left for a white woman. And then the mom who says that she's been having heart attacks. Actually, that's just gas. And all that is said in 30 seconds. Yeah, like they just unload. It was a roller coaster.

Yeah, it was a roller coaster. But honestly, if you're just any type of intoxicated, just pick your poison. It's a great time. Sober, probably terrible. pick your poison it's a great time uh sober probably terrible but yeah it's i will say it was so bad that larry the cable guy incredible actor compared to 90 of what was happening probably one of the top two three actors in the movie yeah yeah it was great and most of his lines of dialogue were like i got four skin the size of that. You're like, okay.

Okay. Well, color me red and call me a biscuit because I just got my dingle dangled. Like, you just say shit like that. And you're just like, what? Yeah. And the entire time we were like, this movie has to be all just like made up on the spot. Yeah. And then they show you the post credits.

And it really is. It's all just ad lib. Yeah. No, it's definitely improv. There is. Yeah. And then they show you the post credits and it really is. It's all just ad lib. Yeah. No, it's definitely improv. There was certain points where it just felt like a Hallmark movie and then there were certain points where you could just tell that it was like Tyler Perry, Larry the Cable Guy, and

all of them just improv-ing. They said it was based on a play, so there clearly was a written down script. They just ignored it. Oh, yeah. And this movie had $25 million to work with. $25 million. And what's insane is the home they lived in was the exact same set as the school that the main female character taught in.

Yeah. Yeah, it's and it's also the same school that all the Christmas jamboree people like go into one big room to be like, I want the Christmas jamboree. And then apparently they couldn't afford another. They couldn't rent one place for like a couple days to like. Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy. But then for some reason, because the rest of it was so insane, when Madea would show up, Madea, obviously voice of reason, but was funny in a way that I can't, like, again,

it must have been the alcohol. Because I enjoyed the shit out of this movie, and it's not a good movie. Yeah. At all. I agree. I also enjoyed it, and it was a terrible movie. It legit felt like a Hallmark movie blended together with

a weird stand-up comedy act. The crazy thing is, I guarantee if we got drunk again and watched Madea Goes to Jail or whatever that one's called, you would love that too. Oh, I 100% love it. You would love it too. 100%. It was something. In fact,

Madea crucified a child in the spirit of christmas yeah a child stole her purse and so she crucified a child on a cross by the way that was in the classroom a cross in the classroom that she then crucified a little girl too because the girl stole her purse as a joke yeah that was not on my bingo card did not again things happen in this movie that you were like what the yep but then at the same time you predicted like the entire movie from like 20 minutes in yeah i felt well the plot was very predictable the plot was essentially a hallmark christmas movie but in reverse the idea was that the main girl, she lived in this country.

I want to say small town Georgia, but it looked like just someone's house the entire time. Small house Georgia. And she had married this guy. So it was like a black woman and a white guy. And you're like, okay, I get it. The town is going to be like, we don't like you here. But in fact, the town was totally fine it was her mother that was the problem she was like well there's one guy one racist guy yes but he was racist just because he's like i'm losing my farm and and the story there was that the son was like she's a good

woman pa you suck right yeah and then the wife's like you you really do suck. Yeah, it's true. The wife, the redheaded wife, who definitely was a woman who in 2013, I would have been like, I love her. But the minute I knew what the story was is when she had an instant connection with the guy she lived with on the farm. Right. But then her ex-boyfriend from way back when calls and is like, hey, babe, I'm coming to town. I can get you a crazy deal and we can help you fund your Christmas Jubilee. And I was like, that's the bad guy. Because in Christmas movie form, the dude from the city is always the bad guy. Always.

Always. And they just started this one out. Instead of her being with the bad guy and then finding the guy in town. It was she was with the guy in town already. And the bad guy was like, I haven't seen you forever. But don't worry. I'm still a good guy. Right.

And so from that point on, I was like, okay, we're just doing reverse Christmas tropes. And then from that point on, the movie was just what it was. I was like, I was calling shots moments before they happened the entire time yeah i was like what quentin what if the company he got to fund the jubilee is the same company that built the dam that ruined the town and then minutes later that was revealed and i was like oh yeah and then you called something else too where the guy was like but we we gotta say that and then you were like it's in the contract and the guy's like, but we got to say that. And then you were like, it's in the contract. And the guy's like, it's in the contract. Yes. Yeah.

I could tell that they were going to do something dumb because the lawyer was like the bumbling old fat guy. And the mayor was like this goofy dude. And I was like, oh, they just want the $100,000. Yeah. And he's like, well, it looks okay to me, Mr. Mayor. And I was like, we're going to come back to the scene. He's like, I thought you read it.

Yeah. This is fine print, Mr. Mayor all right yeah but all in all fantastic movie i really enjoyed it and i give it a six out of ten i would give it a five out of ten it's not good in any way but you will get a five's worth of entertainment. Because I will say 90% of the improv jokes do not land at all. No. At all. It's just like Tyler Perry doing a riff on. One of the bits was about how the son was so bad at farming that the dad and Tyler Perry,

Larry the Cable Guy and Tyler Perry are mocking him. Cause he tried to milk a bull and it goes on so long. It's such a long joke. And you're just like, this isn't funny, but because it's like one of those things you would see on adult swim late at night because it's so unfunny, it becomes funny.

Suddenly. Yeah. That's where it was. That's the whole movie. And that's really why alcohol or weed just amplifies the experience yeah i think it did the heavy lifting for that i'll be honest i think without that it's probably like a two or three out of ten but with that six out of ten yeah yeah yeah i actually want to do like we've watched a lot of nick cage movies yeah i'd go down the ty the Tyler Perry rabbit hole with you.

Yeah, I'd watch the Tyler Perry. There's some wacky plots. They got some really crazy. Like, that was pretty light comparatively. They got some wacky-ass stories. Yeah, I'm curious now. I would watch Madea again. Well, you know the best way to watch Madea movies? That's right.

This is what we're doing. By using a secure internet connection with NordVPN. Let's say you're at the coffee shop, you're on some public Wi-Fi, maybe you're at the airport, and you're saying to yourself, man, Jesse and Crennor have been hyping up Madea's Christmas. I want to watch it. Well, with NordVPN, you can watch it without anyone else knowing you're watching it, unless other people are in the room with you.

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Try it risk-free right now with a 30-day money-back guarantee. Once again, nordvpn, N-O-R-D-V-P-N dot C-O-M slash Cox to get that 30-day free money-back guarantee and extra subscription time. Thanks, NordVPN, for sponsoring this podcast. Also this happy holiday, we're brought to you by MeUndies. MeUndies are not only a great gift for yourself, but the great gift for the whole family from undies to bralettes to socks to loungewear. Me undies is the perfect gift, especially for those hard to gift people. Me undies has a holiday gift guide that makes it super easy. And right now, if you're like, man, the holidays are done, Jesse, what you're talking about?

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That's code cox50 at factormeals.com slash cox50 to get 50% off. All right, creditless go-to-chops, guys. Oh, boy. All right, Crandor, let's go to the truck. Let's get some of the guys. Let's go to the truck. Oh, boy. Traffic is, oh, my God. Is that Santa? I think he's right next to us.

Oh, my God. Oh. What? That's him. Hey, what's going on, Santa? I've got to get these tires to my favorite two boys, Crandor and Jesse. Oh, alright. Well, I'll let them get back to that.

Aside from that, it's pretty cloudy up here. I think we're flying pretty high. I can barely see. Oh, no! Oh, no! I'm hitting the rudder. Watch out! I think Blitzen gave out arthritis. Back to you. Thanks, Crandor.

Wow, that was a close call. That was close, yeah. That was rough. Yeah, especially for Santa. Yeah, well, I'm glad he's okay, hopefully. Fingers crossed. He's got magic. Yeah, the man's got magic.

All right, well, let's go to weather. Weather. We have a weather request for Davao City, Philippines, pronounced like the vow. Hey, guys. Been listening to your podcast since the start of the month while baking Christmas orders. Requested my hometown, the capital of Durians, and recently cacao. Just curious to hear your thoughts about the city. So far, I like it.

Okay. Good. I just realized that was a nothing statement. You know what? I looked at it and was like, so far, I like it. I like it. It's good to know. Currently, it is 84 degrees. it feels like 84 degrees uh thunderstorms are likely to end around 10 30 or no 1 30 p.m uh scattered thunderstorms 50 chance of rain up until then and tuesday 88

with p.m thunderstorms wednesday 88 with thunderstorms thursday with PM thunderstorms. Wednesday, 88 with thunderstorms. Thursday, 89 with thunderstorms. Friday's 90 with thunderstorms. Really just a lot of 90s with thunderstorms. Oh, I even do the old pressure. 29.84 humidity, 75%. Nine mile visibility, 546 AM sunrise, 529 PM sunset. Nine mile an hour winds, 76 on the dew point.

Four out of 11 on the UV index and a waxing gibbous moon. Okay, I have a question. If you're listening right now, and you are our DeVal listener, I have a lot of questions. Most of the places that pop up immediately when you look for food in Deval are Why Chicken. That's one. I see that. Bay Bistro and David's Snack Bar. Those are the places that pop up immediately.

Oh, yeah. That's like on the city view. Those are the ones. How popular are those three places? And more importantly, why? Yeah, I don't know. Wait, they got San Antonio. There's a neighborhood called San Antonio.

Do you think that's like where all the US expats go? They're like just a bunch of white dudes looking for like their Filipino bride. And then they got a white chicken. Yeah. Also, there's a place called Japanese Tunnel, which is a weird name for Japanese Tunnel. That's where I went to go eat. Japanese Tunnel.

Why chicken is a 3.7. Oh, no. I mean, I guess, yeah, I'd say, why chicken? It looks okay. I did find Mommy's Food Hub. I love the honesty of these names. It looks like a shack. That's because it's the food hub.

You can't call it a restaurant if it's a shack. That's a food hub. Yeah, this is just a tent, and they're selling food out of the tent. Yep, this place is called JoJo's Take Home Food Counter, and it is literally a food counter. This isn't even, this doesn't even qualify as a restaurant. This is just a food counter. I feel like they got a lot of those.

Here's the thing, JoJo's Food Counter looks like it's a window in someone's house. That's got a 4.6. That's doing better than Why Chicken. Why would you go to Why Chicken? Why Chicken? Why Chicken? When you can go to Why Chicken? This place here has a 5.0, although it only has three reviews, and it literally looks like a gated house.

Someone's gated home. Malagos Chocolate Museum? Oh, shit. Also, Malagos sounds like the name of a villain. It does. Malagos, Malagos sounds like the name of a villain. It does. Malagos. Malagos has returned. But he's got a cool museum.

I'm pretty sure that's a guy from World of Warcraft. I think it is. Yeah, Malagos. But instead of Mal-E-Gos, it's Mal-A-Gos. Oh, well, all right, good. Yeah, we don't want to get it confused. Yeah, you don't want to get confused there. You know how, like, tourism spots look touristy?

Yeah. This just looks like houses, just like normal homes. It clearly has the ocean, right? Right. But it just looks like houses. It doesn't look like there's anything crazy touristy here. I mean, yeah, zooming out, I feel like most coastal cities are somewhat touristy. I'm looking at this now.

It says rising investment hotspot, which means a bunch of rich people are trying to make it something, but it's not something yet. Okay. All right. That makes sense. Yep. Everything I'm seeing is why you should invest in. Right. Okay.

All right. Okay. I get it. Yeah. Although apparently it has a huge metal scene oh i would not have guessed that yeah like a huge death metal scene oh shit okay they got the learn something new but they got the bears cafe uh it looks kind of like another shack but it might be good i'm telling you i think it's all little small shacks that are like connected to someone's home. And I'm here for it.

It's just they're all so fun named because it's like, all right, well, I have to let people know that it's mine. So I'm going to call it Jim's food stuff. Marge meat products. There really are a lot of those. It's just like Becca's. That's what I'm saying. Becca's Canaan. Allen Bake Shop.

It really is just like name thing. Yeah, it's just all named after someone. Yeah. That's kind of crazy. Mona Eatery. I love that. Yeah. Yeah.

Let's go down to Jim's Old Shack. Like, I want to go to Raphael's Bistro. I have a feeling that the night markets in this city would be delicious. Like, with, like, all the food stalls and stuff. Yeah. I bet that would slap. I don't know what would be there, but I bet it would

be good. Overall, it's a pretty cool place. Yeah, I like it. Yeah. Alright. Let's go to sports. Sports. Oh, boy. Here at the sports desk, we've got sports.

Started with football. We had Falcons beat the Colts. Seahawks beat the Titans. Lions beat the Vikings. Jets beat the Commanders. Packers beat the Panthers. Browns beat the Texans. Buccaneers beat the Jaguars.

Bears beat the Cardinals. Dolphins beat the Cowboys. Patriots beat the Broncos. Rams beat the Panthers. Browns beat the Texans. Buccaneers beat the Jaguars. Bears beat the Cardinals. Dolphins beat the Cowboys. Patriots beat the Broncos. Rams beat the Saints. Steelers beat the Bengals. And the Bills beat the Chargers. My dad was so happy the Bengals lost to the Steelers. He was like, yeah, they won. I was like, well, I guess they're

allowing them to win now, huh? And he's like, even the bad teams gotta win once in a while. Nice, man. He's just happy they beat those Bengals. Yep. In the NBA, we have the

Boston Celtics in first with the Bucs a half game behind. And then in the Western Conference, we got the Timberwolves in first with the Nuggets two and a half behind. And in hockey, if we take a look at the conferences, we got the Rangers at the top with the Nuggets two and a half behind. And in hockey, if we take a look at the conferences, we got the Rangers at the top with the Bruins

right behind them and the Canucks at the top with the Golden Knights right behind them. And that is sports. Okay. What is our fact of the day? Fact of the day.

I actually got a few Christmas facts. Yes. I was waiting for them. I see. People have been sending Christmas cards since 1843. Yeah, that checks out. I'm sure they were doing it before, but it wasn't like exactly the same.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I guarantee they were giving notes to each other and like, this is an image of the baby Jesus I drew for you. Spiders are a traditional Eastern European Christmas decoration. What? Why? Finding a spider or a spider's web in your Christmas tree is a symbol of good luck. That's because these countries

have the legend of the Christmas spider, which tells that a poor widow lived in a small hut with her children. They found a pine cone in summer and cared for it diligently until it became a pretty tree. Unfortunately, they couldn't afford to decorate the tree, but when they walked in, it was covered

in elegant cobwebs that shone gold and silver in the sunlight. Since that day, they never lived in poverty again. I don't know what that means. That's the... What? Yeah.

So the spider gave them silver and gold on their tree or whatever. All right, cool. I'm not going to complain about the spider. It's just, out of all the insects, a Christmas spider. Yeah, the Christmas spider spins webs of silver and gold.

Yeah, look, I mean, you said the story. I understand it. I just think out of all of them, that's the wackiest one. Well, so if Rudolph was a marketing creation, who would have guessed? Yep, nope, That's true.

The word Xmas isn't actually new. It dates back to the 1500s. In the Greek alphabet, the X is the Greek character of Chi, C-H-I, which is the first letter of the Greek name for Christmas or Christ, Christos. So it's been common abbreviation of Christ being Xmas. Okay, I mean, I never quite understood Xmas

in general, just because it always seemed weird to me, but like, yeah, it's cool. Whatever. Whatever makes you happy. And the original Christmas pudding recipe had meat in it. That's British.

Yeah, it's one of those like meat pie things. Yeah, the old meat pies. The old meat pie. The Christmas pudding was a type of porridge made using mutton and beef with spices, wine, raisins, currants, and more. Yeah, it's one of those like, we'll mix nuts and fruit in with the meat. Yeah. Like a mincemeat pie or something like that. Yeah. And Jingle Bells was the first Christmas song in space.

Well, yeah, we wanted a non-denominational space song, of course. Yeah. We don't want to offend any of the space religious people. space song, of course. We don't want to offend any of the space religious people. And Santa wasn't always dressed in red.

The common myth is that Santa Claus was green before Coca-Cola used their colors red for the marketing campaigns. Nope, he was gray. We all know this. Santa the gray and then he died after fighting the Balrog and came back as Santa the red. We talked about this. That's lore. That is definitely lore.

Yeah. This says, Wilson, it's true to an extent Santa was shown in red as early as the 1870s by American cartoonist Thomas Nast. Modern day depiction of Santa with his red cheeks and large stomach, his little glasses and a beaming smile is what we can genuinely thank

Coca-Cola for. Well, I mean, that's, yeah. And then the Coca-Cola, after they made Santa, then they made these bears like Coke for some reason. I mean, here's the thing. Imagine if Coca-Cola, instead

of Santa, funneled all that money into the Christmas cat or the Yule Lads. Right? Or the Christmas spider. We could have had that. Yes. Instead, we got Santa. We were one bad day away from having the Christmas spider.

The Coca-Cola Christmas spider, and that would have been it for us. Yeah. It was all over. That's your fact of the day. Alright, what is our big news story of the day? Big news story of the day. Yep.

So for this big news story i found a news article of unusual christmas traditions from around the world okay first up we have bad santa austria british kids are well acquainted with father christmas santa claus or saint nick but we'll find something a little more sinister in Austria. That's because here, there's a ghoulish creature called Krampus. We know about Krampus. Everyone loves Krampus. Yeah, the evil accomplice of Saint Nick, and is said to wander the streets in search of badly behaved children. Wander the streets. Is said to wander the streets.

Krampus will get you. You can expect to see terrifying masked figures out and about, scaring kids and adults with ghastly pranks. If this holiday tradition sounds like your kind of thing, be sure to check out the Krampus Parade in Vienna. Well, now I'm looking up

Krampus Parade. Yep, look up that Krampus Parade. It is a bunch of dudes dressed up as Krampus walking down the street and I'll be honest kind of looks like one of those 80s movies with puppets like a lot of the evil puppets. Yeah, it does.

Like Labyrinth or something. It just looks like that. It really does. And I'm here for it. I love it. I thought of Labyrinth too. These guys are definitely chasing a young Jennifer Connelly through a swamp. Yep. Then we have

Cobweb, the Christmas spider. We just talked about this. Look at this. Then we have Colonel Santa, Japan. Back in 1974, KFC released a festive marketing campaign in Japan. The seemingly simple slogan, Kentucky for Christmas, or Kurisumasu Niwa Kentucky,

spawned a national tradition that still thrives to this day. Although Christmas isn't a national holiday in Japan, families from all over head to their local KFC for the special Christmas Eve meal. You know what? That makes sense to me. I saw on Reddit someone post one of those your Thanksgiving versus my Thanksgiving in Japan. It was just KFC. My assumption was like, oh, well, okay. He's trying to say like we don't celebrate, right?

Yeah. But now I know that was the celebration. Yeah. They go to KFC. Yeah yeah that's it i love that i like that as i want that you know for a fact they have like much better kfc than we do oh i'm yes i'm positive of that percent uh we have pickle in the tree germany that's when christmas tree tradition embraced around the world today is believed to have started in germany in the 16th century uh let's take a pickle in the tree one of their customs is to hide a pickle somewhere within the branches of the tree and give a gift to whichever child in

the household finds it some claim this may not be german one legend said it was Spain when two boys were held prisoners inside a pickle barrel and the heroic St. Nicholas rescued them and brought them back to life. You know, I don't. That's a weird story, be it Spanish or German or whoever. It's a weird story. Definitely is. I want to know what the moral of the kids trapped in the pickle barrel saved by Santa is. Yeah, I don't know.

I guess they were just saved and they were like, cool, there's a pickle. From now on, you must hide a pickle. Like, okay. Rollerskate Mass, Caracas. In Venezuelan capital of Caracas, swathes of city dwellers make their way to mass

on roller skates every year on christmas morning it's now well established enough that many of the city streets are closed to traffic from 8 a.m so that skating can get the church safely sure yeah sure it's even said that children will sleep with one lace from their skates tied around their toe. Just in case they need to get up. They gotta get up fast. Gotta go. Yeah.

Festive sauna, Finland. Many homes in Finland come equipped with their own sauna, and at Christmas time, this cozy spot becomes a sacred space associated with long-dead ancestors. Christmas Eve's customary to strip naked and take a long, respectful stint in the sauna, which is also believed to be home to the legendary sauna elf.

That elf either got the best job or the worst job out of all the elves. The sauna... Dude, I just looked up the sauna elf. He's just like a rock. He's literally a rock. What? Look it looked up the sauna elf. He's just like a rock. He's literally a rock. What? Look it up. Sauna elf.

Yep. He's just a rock. You can actually buy several sauna elves. Although, hold on. Hold on. Yeah, holding. I found what I think is the real version of him. Okay.

Never mind. Upon further inspection, it is just a version of him. Okay. Never mind. Upon further inspection, it is just a stuffed doll in a sauna. All right. Yep. Now, I figured the rock would be more realistic. Yeah, the rock works. Plus, he can stay in the sauna.

A stuffed doll would get all weird. Yeah. Dude, I want a sauna. Me too. Shoes, by the way. With a sauna elf. With a sauna. Me too. Shoes by the fire. With a sauna elf. With a sauna elf, 100%. We have Netherlands, shoes by the fire.

Every year in the days leading up to the 25th of December, Dutch children place their shoes by the fire and hope that Sinterklaas will fill them with small gifts and treats. Carrots are typically. Oh, is that like stockings? Yeah, but now they have carrots that go in the shoes. Sure. You know what? Sure. Who am I?

We got pickles and carrots. We got spiders. Hold on. Christmas can be anything. Naughty children would get potatoes. Dude, I'd be naughty just to get a potato. You kidding me? I love potatoes. You can take a potato over a carrot. Any day.

Carrots, whatever. Carrots. Yeah. Just orange and stupid. Potatoes? You can make a baked potato out of that? Oh, my God. You, like, salt that bad boy up?

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's me. Sign me up. Yeah. Belfana the Witch, Italy. Forget Santa. It's the 25th of December in Italy. All the action takes place on the eve of the 5th of January over here. According to folklore, an old woman named Belfana visits all children of Italy to fill their stockings with candy and leave them presents if they've been good.

Just like Father Christmas, Belfana enters through the chimney and is left treats by children who live there, typically wine and local delicacies. Dude, Belfana's gonna be blasted by that night. Yeah, I wanna see what Belfana looks like, and she just looks like a normal-ass witch. Yeah, she does. Like, just like a normal, I thought

for sure she'd be, you know, it's Italy, so I thought she'd be like a sexy, dark-haired lady who'd be like, hello, children. Nope, it's just an so i thought she'd be like a sexy dark-haired lady who'd be like hello children nope it's just an old woman she throws candy off of her broom yeah i figured you would be hoping for the the sexy witch yeah i was hoping sexy witch and it's just normal witch although any witch can be sexy if someone's into them i I guess. There you go. Yeah, there's the lesson. There's the lesson.

We have the Yule Cat, which we already know about. The Iceland Yule Cat. We love the Yule Cat. Yep. Go watch the Cox and Crandor animation of the Yule Cat. And the Yule Lads, of course. Love the Yule Lads. Big time, cool guys.

We have fried caterpillars, South Africa cool guys we have fried caterpillars south africa apparently they that's just food yeah that's i thought if it was like a fried caterpillar came to life and every year delivers fried gifts to the boys and girls like that'd be crazy yeah no this is just like fried caterpillars. Okay, all right. Wait, hold on. These aren't run-of-the-mill caterpillars you find in the garden. The pine tree emperor moth or Christmas caterpillars covered in very festive hues, giving all who swallow a little extra luck every year. All right, so that's what they just tell people in order to get them to eat caterpillars.

Gotcha. Okay. Right. Sure. We have flying witches in Norway. Love a good flying witch. Witches use their brooms as their preferred method. They throw candy.

Yeah, yeah. We know. Oh, don't worry. We know. And it's tradition for Norwegian families to hide away any sweeping sticks where the witches won't be able to find them. You stole my sticks. Right. We't be able to find them. You stole my sticks! Right.

We have the Swedish Yule Goat. We talked about the Yule Goat in years past. Love the Yule Goat. Yep, great stuff. And then last two we have are Donald Duck Sweden, which is... Donald Duck? Yo, Swedes, what's up with that? The Donald Duck just is, like, delivering gifts.

Donald Duck and his friends wish you a Merry Christmas. Oh my god. They got Jiminy Cricket like me. My entire Christmas is Jiminy Cricket and they got Donald Duck. Wait, what the? Hold on. This video above is a 1958

Christmas special called Kaleanka Oksan Hanvervanser Hanskar Godjul or Donald Duck and his friends wish you a Merry Christmas. Every Christmas families around Sweden gather around 3pm to watch Donald deliver his raspy message. Everything on

Christmas is planned around the TV special and more than 40% of Sweden's population still tune in like clockwork. It's back to the 60s when they'd show new commodities in sweden they only aired two channels one of which played disney cartoons and i guess they just still do it disney owns a country i guess is what we're finding out now yep they own a lot of the world and apparently a full-ass now. Yeah, and Christmas. Yep. And

finally, the alternative Christmas tree, New Zealand. Though you thought all Christmas trees were created equal, think again. The Kiwis are all about Potukawa, a beautiful tree that is native to New Zealand with gnarled roots and bright crimson flowers.

The first mention of the tree came from Austrian geologist Ferdinand von Hochstetter in 1867. Described locals decorating their churches and homes with brightly colored branches at Christmas. Today, the trees recognize the symbol of Christmas around New Zealand and is featured on Christmas cards, decorations, and even in Christmas carols that children sing at school. And even in Christmas carols.

And number one is the alternative Christmas tree. So there you go. A little bit of festive holiday news and lore of countries. Yep, we learned so, so much. Yeah.

And that's it. Alright, well that's it for us. Thanks so much for listening and watching. I've enjoyed this podcast. Crandor, hit up with the socials. We've got socials, youtube.com slash coxandcrandorpodcast. All one word is where you can find all these podcasts on YouTube. You can also go to youtube.com slash coxandcrandor to find all the animations. Also, we're on Spotify site. I have SoundCloud.

I don't even know. Spotify, we're everywhere typically. Just Google it. SoundCloud. I don't even know. Spotify. We're everywhere, typically. Just Google it. Also, you can find us on our main things. YouTube.com slash Jess Cox. YouTube.com slash Crendor. Twitter, Jess Cox. Twitter, Crendor. Twitch TV, Jess Cox. Twitch TV, Crendor. Facebook, Jess Cox. Facebook, Crendor.

TikTok, Jess Cox. TikTok, Crendor. Yeah, TikTok, Crendor. Instagram, Crendor is taken. That's why I can't use Instagram. Notorious Cox. Crensloth.com. Buy my new Crensloth sweatpants. And yeehaw. Yeehaw.

All right. That's it. We'll see y'all next time. And as always, shake the rhino. Soop continued.