Dumb People Town - Dan Ahdoot - Red Bull Was The Case That They Gave Me

Episode Date: August 8, 2023

Comedian and author Dan Ahdoot sits in as Daniel describes a couple that blames their robbery spree on their Red Bull addiction, Jason ponders why thieves in Florida called the cops to help them move stolen goods, and Randy explains how a man ended his years long airport sign prank and more importantly how much it cost, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsor: Babbel! Get started RIGHT NOW, with 55% off your Babbel subscription for our listeners.  Go to Babbel.com/DPT

Thank you. So listen to our podcast jam With co-hosts Armand and Dan And Dirk, don't be a jerk We spread the music, it's the funny hits And we are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound, punk it down It's Dump People Town Thank you to our sponsor Babbel Maybe you have some travel plans this summer

Where you can learn to speak like a local with Babbel Because with Babbel you can start speaking a new language in just three weeks get started right now with 55 off your babbel subscription for our listeners go to babbel.com slash dpt that's 55 off at babbel.com slash dpt spelled b-a-b-b-e-l dot com slash dpt rules and restrictions may apply. They may. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. Population A-Doot. Ooh, Jay, your voice sounds great. Dan A-Doot in a boot.

Dan A-Boot. Dan A-Boot is with us. Skiing accident. What's this all about? Skiing accident. He kicked the crap out of everybody at the Met Gala. No, he's suing Gwyneth Paltrow. I can't believe you're suing her. I am. Because it happened on the same mountain. It did happen on the same exact mountain, and I had the same ski patrol person wheel me off the mountain.

Oh, my God. Really? Are you joking? Is it the same? Yeah, it was. In Deer Valley, Utah. That mountain done got us good. Broke ankle mountain.

Was it a tree or just a fall? That was actually really funny. What did you say? We can't gloss over what you said. I don't want to. I said that mountain done got us good. Broke ankle mountain. uh, just a fall. That was actually really funny. We can't gloss over what I don't want to. What's that? That mountain done. Got us good.

Broke ankle mountain. Broke ankle mountain. It done. God is good. Broke ankle mountain is just hand stuff. Dan, Dan, a dude has like a,

has like a Gwyneth Paltrow flannel just hanging. And we already talked about this for a listener. I'll be Daniel as I usually in some contexts always are. Dan, you be Daniel. Dan, you be Dan. How about that? I will be Dan. Wait, did you hit a tree or did you just fell weird? No, I didn't hit a tree. Actually, what I did hit, I skied over, you know those little water

bottles that you get in an Uber, the tiny ones? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was one of those, litter, without the label on it, so you couldn't see it. Of course. And I was skiing with my brother and i was trying to show him you can be controlled because he skis very wild and i was like you can be controlled while on something steep and i hit this stupid thing and i broke my ankle oh my god last question and then we got dumb stories beginning or end of the trip or day three-day

trip 90 minutes in. Oh, no. No. I'm sorry, buddy. And your brother's like, no, I'm going to be reckless. And you didn't teach me anything, Dan. It's like, Dan, you... And you're like, I got a book. How many books do you have?

We'll get into that. We'll get into that book. It's sitting over Daniel's shoulder. Shoulder. Dan, why don't we go to the first story? Here, I have a dumb story. Ready? Let's do it.

Sent in by Ace of Finance at Dragon ILM. Let's do it sent in by ace of finance at dragon ilm let's do it here's the headline red bull bandit who the red bull bandit gives you wings leads vegas police on chase there's so much of that are there police in vega to me the most surprising thing is that there are police in vegas oh my god it never ends for them i mean they look they solve the uh tupac shooting in a second they that's a different deal i imagine this is just like i'm not commenting on that i actually feel like they i the vegas police were very much uh highlighted in the show cops yeah i feel like vegas were always there because there's fun things happening in vegas sure sure um and then they canceled the show.

And now. What are the Vegas police doing? Their police work? They are. I don't know. They're on strike with the WGA. No. Solidarity.

Here we go. Las Vegas. K-L-A-S. A self-described Red Bull addict. I mean. Come on. You don't get to determine what you are. Yeah. You get an intervention. We'll. Yeah, you get an intervention.

We'll tell you if you're an addict. What's the first thing you, when you introduce yourself to someone, Dan, a dude, what do you say about yourself? Dan, a dude, espresso addict. Thank you. That's what you say. Dan, Daniel Van Kirk, what do you say? Rochelle, Illinois addict. That's what you say?

I say Randy Sklar, monster energy drink addict is what I say. I mean, what's, I don't know why. What do you say, say randy sclar monster energy drink addict is what i say is that i mean what's i don't know why what do you say jay i say jason sclar i have a twin brother we do comedy and i also have a parent i don't know why anyone would start by saying they're a red self-described red five hour energy who are you let's do much information you're leading with too much information led police on a chase which reads speeds of exactly what you would say if you were riding this out. How many miles per hour? This isn't even a guess.

You just know. 130. Of course. 100. Wow. After officers said, she. She? Oh.

I don't want to sound sexist, but I did not see that coming. Pepper sprayed an employee during a robbery. Police arrested. Good for her. Eugene Davis. White guy probably deserved it. Police arrested Eugene Davis and Angela Sharp on Thursday,

July 21st. Record showed on July 20th. Angie Sharp. Two employees at the Costco on Martin Luther King Boulevard near Alta Drive. Just put on the walking tour. Witnessed a woman later identified as Sharp stealing a shopping cart full of

Red Bull cases. She needs that. She's an addict, guys. Estimated to be worth how much money? A shopping cart full of Red Bull. Also, you're at Costco. I'm going to say $100. Okay. I'm going to say like $48.

A shopping cart full of Red Bull? That's like several cases of red bull yes uh two hundred dollars okay one of you is exactly right oh snap now we get to play who do you think is right you're gonna stick it with yourself or take one of their guests you have confidence dan this is like the price is right where i get double the money double the money if you get and you get the other person's showcase. Here's the thing. I'm a celebrity and I get everything for free. So I have zero concept. You don't even know what things cost.

It could be $10,000. We don't even know. No, but one of our answers is right. What did you say? 49, 48. 48. I'm sticking to 100. Okay.

I'm sticking to 200. I'll stick at 48. I did a couple of jobs for Red Bull and now I'm on there like you're one of our people lists. This happens with like liquid death. I get Red Bull sent to me all the time what no more than you could healthily drink you have angie sharp well remember i hosted those red bull uh rapid races and all that other stuff oh yeah i love they get i bring me back red bull bring me back i loved it oh my god i got to do the rafting races and i got to do

the box car called those races uh soapbox races all right ready yep estimated to be worth a hundred dollars oh there he is right on the money omg and a play attempted to intervene when sharp threatened to pepper spray her that's right now remember sharp does pepper sprayer guys somebody goes on my pepper spray you stop just walk away walk away i'm gonna pepper spray you is usually your cue. You're cute to be like, okay, yeah, just follow you to your car and get your license plate. And then you can, you got pepper spray and you know, Costco is going to go. Um, we were glad that you love working here, but do not follow people into the parking lot.

We don't care. You got pepper spray. Has anyone here ever been pepper sprayed? Uh, no, no no have you but no speaking of a segment now let's do it how does it feel to get pepper yeah i don't want to go rogue speaking of vegas i'm sitting at the blackjack table nearest to the exit at the harris casino which you could it's just big open area walking it out dan always knows where the exit aaron molaring and i sitting there one of my oldest friends we're playing blackjack and the dealer like stops dealing and like looks to our

left and we look over and this guy sits down or has sat down we didn't see him and his every part of his face looks like it's dripping eyes nose sweat mouth no he had just gotten pepper sprayed oh my god he's just like just disoriented and and uh they had to come in and be like hey man you okay and of course he didn't respond no they came out there and i don't know if that happens to everybody who gets pepper spray or how much of the can he got he got a lot that's enough for me i got bear sprayed yeah maybe he was a self-described pepper spray ey. Yes. Pepper spray-y. Panic. Or he just vaped, guys, and that's why you don't vape.

That's why you don't vape. Take that cherry sweet cherry wood. A man later identified as Davis, that'd be Eugene, then got out of the car and dragged the full cart of Red Bull closer to the vehicle. The woman then pepper sprayed the employee. The two suspects drove off. This is how you get banned at. You got to be successful.

I mean, you got pepper spray, load it up, and go. Police obtained surveillance video of the incident which showed the man was wearing a Pittsburgh Steelers jersey. I'm Brent. Yep. Very, very. Steel Curtain Joe Green. Yep. An employee then told police the same suspects had stolen Red Bull from the store the

week before. Oh, God. This is the second time. Now we know. Steal Red Bull from the store once. Shame on me. Shame on God. All right. This is the second time. Now we know. Steal Red Bull from the store once. Shame on me. Shame on you. In that case, even more Red Bull had been stolen on their first attempt, estimated to be worth, now, how much more in dollars? You know the first one, they had one cart for $100. $100.

Give me the money and the value of Red Bull you think they got the first time they hit this Costco up. $140. $140. $180. $200. Oh, my God, boys. Estimated to be worth $2,500. What?

That is $25 shopping carts worth of Red Bull. Come on. Listen, this person is an addict. They own a stake in the company at this point. You're reselling, right? You're a board member. You're black marketing your Red Bull. If you're stealing $2,500 worth of Red Bull, you better have gotten the Mini Cooper.

You're outside of stadium, like, you know, you're outside of whatever where the unlv play you're jumping in one of those flying squirrel suits for red yes yeah wow car appeared to be the same in both instances this is where i'm kind of like guys try harder a little bit appeared to be they saw you coming you were there a week before you sold two thousand five hundred dollars worth of red bull and got away with it yes go to a different Costco. Who has the balls to go back? Who needs more? Did you go through all of it in a week? Yeah. Were they already out? They gotta be

selling it to like bars who don't care, right? And then why did they just take one? I don't understand. Get ready for this. By the way, how do you approach, like pull up to the back of a bar during the day when someone's entering something? Hey man, you guys want some Red Bull? You guys want to buy some?

You guys haven't been white van speaker stereo system offered? I've been, recently I was, hey, man, I noticed you got a little bump on the side of your car. You know, I do body work. I've seen that guy, too. I'm like, get out of here. I had the guys try to sell me stereo. Get the fuck away from me.

He's trying to have an honest living. I'm like, thank you so much. I really hope you drive right into a tree. Well, that's harsh. Get out of here. I had the guys try to sell me stereo. He's trying to have an honest living. I'm like, thank you so much. I really hope you drive right into a tree. Well, that's harsh. Get out of here. Get out of my face. Randy Jay goes too hard. I know.

It's too hard. Okay. Get out of my face. I said, I hope you drive into a tree so that you can then put your skills to use. Then you know, because you know how to fix your car. That's what I said. Okay. Okay.

You survived. That's fine. Put your skills to use. Police later learned about a third case. No. The third case of Red Bull that got stolen? On July 14th at another Costco. In that case,

a man matching the same description as the other two incidents. Stealers jersey. Yep. Was acting suspiciously with a cart full of Red Bull cases, a Dell laptop computer. If you're going to steal a Dell. Dude, you stole a Dell. Dude, you stole a Dell. Is you stole is it the pittsburgh

s-t-e-a-l-e-r-s literally a dell laptop computer and a security camera i love that he's stealing one of the things that's probably also used to convince him for stealing that's so poetic yeah the man attempted to leave that costco with the merchandise through a side door come on i mean you know how everyone's like hey where there's one way to get in and one way to get out of Costco. If you see anyone taking a card to a side door. And they are hardcore about the ins and outs of Costco. I feel like in Costco, they'll run you down and shoot you. Well, we found out they'll get pepper sprayed for Red Bull.

That's right. The man attempted to leave the Costco with the merchandise to the side door. When an employee approached him, the man said, quote, you want some of this? And then hit the employee's face with his elbow. What? Okay. No one should get hit, but the employee is way too close. If you're taking an elbow. Come on, guys.

You've watched so much UFC in the last year. His elbow is very. You're too close. Yeah. I mean. What are you in the post? Also, what did he think he was gonna get do you want some of this do you want some of this red bull yeah i don't know why he keeps going to

costco as well i don't know why he doesn't diversify there are other stores that sell red bull distribution is fantastic probably a bigger case they're everywhere you get a palette smart and fine he had to be palance final smart and final if i were gonna steal they don't care final they'd let you go they'd let me our friend eric friedman when he was dating uh very funny Palette. Smart and final. He had to be palette and final. Smart and final. If I were going to steal, smart and final. They'd let you go. They'd let me go. Our friend Eric Friedman, when he was dating a very funny writer, when he was dating women, you put a little descriptive thing about you in the profile thing,

and it said cute and smart, to which he referred to her as when he went out with her once and then ended it cute and smart and final. Regional joke. Cute and smart and final. Regional joke. Cute and smart and final. At one point during the altercation, the suspect reportedly flashed a bit of something black saying, I will blast you guys.

The suspect ran away without stealing anything in that incident. I will blast you guys, and then I'm going to leave everything here that I was going to tell you. In a fourth incident, what? Police learned that on July 13th, this is the day before the one i just talked about a man with the same description same jersey entered a jersey business on charleston and valley view boulevard so they said business at least we're not at costco right not a costco good good they're learning

stole how many cases of red bull in that one this isn't money just now we're back to just now we're at case comp. This is a compulsion. This is not even about that. Would you say an addiction? Yes. It's not about the Red Bull anymore. No. It's about the rush.

It's about the journey. It's about the journey. It's about the rush before you drink Red Bull, which gives you a rush. Red Bull gives you priors. It's the friends you make along the way. It really is. That's what it's about. It's the process.

Trust the process. It's a process. I'm going to go. I mean, how big is the case? How many things are in a process. I'm going to go. I mean, how big is the case? How many things are in a case? I'm going to go. Eight. Eight cases.

15 cases. Okay. 10 cases. All right. He stole 20 cases. Whoa, dudes. Randy. Red Bull is the case that they gave me.

If we added this up. So far, one time he didn't get away we tried to also get adele but the other time he's we know he stole 20 cases stole 2,500 dollars worth of cases and then stole a hundred dollars worth of cases he's this is like in the matter of days he's got that security camera though now so he goes and i think he's filling orders no he didn't get away with that one oh he didn't get away dan i think he's filling orders. No, he didn't get away with that one. Oh, he didn't get away with that one. Dan, I think he's filling orders. When an employee confronted the suspect, he responded and said, don't approach me.

I have a weapon and I'll use it if you approach me. That's a good line. That'll work. Last Thursday. That's from Die Hard, right? You know what I would say? I'd be like, you said me too many times. Don't approach me. Yeah.

Yeah. I have a weapon and I'll use it if you approach me yeah me redundant at one point oh in a fourth incident we're already there last thursday an officer noted that a car matched the description of the one used in the robberies near arville and blue diamond road i remember that that's right when you come into town the driver failed to stop for police and a chase ensued the driver later identified as sharp that would be angela reached speeds of around 100 miles per hour on the highway she later stopped the car after about 15 minutes and parked it and both she and davis got out so they were in the car together she was the one

driving yeah she's also the one who pepper sprayed the employee is she wearing the stealer's jersey no i think he is no he is he's wearing While in custody, Angela Sharp told police that she was the suspect in one of the robberies. She said, quote, I did it because I'm addicted to Red Bull. So blame Red Bull. Well, she doesn't want them to find out who she's selling to because they're going to go out and they'll run down that too. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Davis faces charges of attempted robbery, burglary, and robbery. Put those two together. He's being held Tuesday without bail due to a prior, believe it. Wait, attempted robbery, burglary, and robbery. Aren't those all the same thing? I think once you do attempted robbery. Oh, that's because he didn't take any. He failed.

He failed. That was the day he ran out before the thing. Sharp faces a charge of a driver disobeying a police officer and robbery. So she always got away with it. She's being held Tuesday on a $25,000 bail. Wow. That's a lot of Red Bull. Oh, yeah.

How old? 48 cases. Is Angela Sharp the Red Bull addict who pepper sprayed an employee? I'm going to say she's been around the block. There you go. Good things, bad things have happened to her. Sure. Where she's come to this point.

Sure. Are you talking about the Red Bull addiction or the crime? All of it. of it together okay all of it together she's not a teenager no she is she's 43 43 47 47 39 39 angela sharp is 27 wow do you want to guess how old eugene davis is sure are stealers, I need a Dell computer and a security camera? Yeah. You want to go last? I'll go last. Okay. 41.

41. Oh, you think it's a 27 and a 41-year-old? I do. 32. 32 for Randy. He's her mentor. I think he's... 41 and 32 so far, Dan.

I think maybe he's 18 and he's trying to impress me. Wow. Whoa. Wow. Yeah. Here's to and he's trying to impress me. Wow. Here's to you, Mrs. Red Bull Robinson. She's 27 and Eugene Davis is 35. That's not a bad age range.

No. Eight years. There you go. Jay's got story two. And when we come back from the break, Undercooked, Dan Aduit's new book. We're going to talk all about it. We did his wonderful podcast where we talked about what was in our fridge. I'm assuming this is somewhat building on that.

We'll get to that after the break. It's Dan Aduit in a boot on Dumb People Toot. We'll be right back. I like that. Hey, now. Hey, guys. Welcome. And we're back.

Welcome. Hey, everybody. What's going on? We're going to do the show right now. before we get to dana dude's book undercooked let's overcook some of our dates and let people know we have coming up i don't know overcooked also a game that will make you realize you and your family have communication issues have any of you guys played over should me be gray no what is overcooked oh have you played no i'm not it's just a very simple kitchen game. You're in a restaurant. Oh boy. Everybody has their own little character.

Okay. And you constantly have to like, vegetables need to be chopped, need to be put in, dishes need to be done, things need to get out. It's a board game, Dan? No, it's a video game.

It's very simple. It's very fun. Your kids would love it. You would love playing it with it, but also understand going into it. Overcooked. You are going to realize where your communication issues are in

your family it's so much fun already stressing me out dan it is stressful but it's very fun very overcooked all right so hey we've got uh comedy dates coming up yeah we're doing i don't know when this episode is dropping we never know that because we're very far out ahead but i'll say this if this drops before may 18th 19th 20th we're going to be at the acme comedy company in minneapolis great place to be first time we've been there in like maybe four years. Five. Five years. Great club.

One of the best comedy cities in the world. So I'm super excited to go there. Hopefully we can sell out their shows. And then we're going to be in San Francisco. Just announced at the end of July. July 21st and 22nd. June 14th we're going to be at. June 14th at the Comedy Store doing Tag It,

which is our show where our friends do their stand-up and we're writing tags off to the side and then we pitch them the tags. We did it at Moon Tower and it was so much fun. Supersclarers.com for all that stuff. DanielVanKirk.com if you want to find out where Dan's doing his stuff. Yeah, every other week, Irene Tu and I have a show at the Cat's Crawl. It's right where Melrose meets the 101.

Every other Monday, the Sclarers did it back on May 8th. You should come do it if you haven't. Other than that, you can check me around town. Sets at the Comedy Store. And I'm announcing some dates. Pen Pals. Your podcast, Pen Pals, is one of my favorite podcasts out there. Go check it out.

And also, if you haven't, check out our Patreon right here for Dumb People. Join our Patreon. If you like the three of us hanging and goofing, you like this, it's just more of that. Friendship porn. I got Greenlees I'm doing over there. Oh, I love it. Only there.

Only there. Only there. Only there. Only there. Only there. Dan. Dan. Undercooked.

Tell me about the book, and was it somewhat born out of the podcast, or I know you love food stuff. You're a foodie. It was born out of all the food stuff. The podcast, obviously, you guys were on. You taught me about Emo's Pizza. Emo's Pizza. Did you try it?

Did you try it? So then you can slide under the locked door during a hostage crisis. I have not tried it yet, but I am so fascinated by Provel. Yes. What is it? What is that cheese? No one knows. Is it Provolone?

No. No. It's got some sort of a vel. No. There's a vel. There's no vel. It's very good. I love it.

Wildsdale Jizz is the binding agent. I don't know. Emo's Pizza is just something you eat while waiting for your t-raps to cool off thank god i need to try this goddamn pizza are they on gold belly yes are they yes what are you serious i that they were i'm imagining i get it and i would and let me recommend they can send it to you hamburger get hamburger they also do a thing you know where they hamburger pizza emails will also ship it to you directly. What?

Yeah. It's like comes flash frozen and you got to heat it up. Oh, man. Get the hamburger pizza. Okay. That's the one you should get. So let's talk about Undercook. It doesn't really make a difference.

I want to know what this is and what are people getting because people are going to buy this book. So, okay. It's a lot of standalone essays, comedic essays about food. Sort of like, I'm being compared to David Sedaris. Oh, hey, now. David Sedaris of food. You're like the Amy Sedaris of David Sedaris's.

I am the Amy Sedaris of David Sedaris. I'm the Dan, yeah. And just like I'm the Dan to Danny. Yeah. And yeah, it's, the people are liking it. Great. Best seller on Amazon. Yeah.

Yes. It's, if you like food, if you like comedy, it's got heart. It's got all those wonderful things. It is a labor of love. It's the worst thing I've ever had to do. It's hard. It's very hard. How long did it take?

Year? Year to write this. So people, I mean, I love food too. I love going, whenever we go to a town, I'm always like, where should we be eating? Like, talk to the locals who know their know their stuff. Yeah. We were just in Austin, Texas for the Moon Tower Comedy Festival. And our buddy Matt Bearden, who's a he should be a James Beard award winning comic.

That's I'm going to call him a James Beard award winning comic because he knows his food specifically in Austin. He gave us like three suggestions of places. All of them were great. All of them were so top shelf. And I can't tell you how happy it made me. So I feel like there's a deep fascination. Ours is, you know, because we travel around and do that. But people are that passionate about that.

Yeah. To then read a book that's like funny and talking about essays, essays that are kind of about food. I love it. Dan, hold it up. It is. Yeah, it's fun. We got blurbs. I got blurbs. I love the blurbs love the yoga i got blurbs from oh you got great blurbs for days i'm phil rosenthal minaj

great hell yeah a lot of the comics are co-signing so yeah i mean i love this artwork yeah the artwork is very fun very cool i have i did it myself beautiful did you no not at all and but yeah the kids are like and it's always weird because you know we do comedy we don't do book right that's right we don't do bookity so it's very strange because we're used to getting instinct feedback right right right away is it good imagine just writing a set for a year never having practiced it and then just sending it out into the world the universe well you're getting undercooked how i let food become my life navigator and how maybe that's a dumb way to live oh great perfect for dumb people perfect for dumb people first of all those people who have seen you on bajillion dollar properties it's one of my favorite shows

of all time if you aren't a fan you will watch this show and become a huge fan of yours and then you'll want to get this book undercooked available anywhere amazon is probably the place to get it right amazon's the easy place to get it i'm supposed to tell you to go to your local bookstore go do it but they're dicks man i've been going to them to sign my books they're never nice you go to barnes and noble nicest people wow really trying to stay afloat because they're starting to stay Well, it's also a Father's Day gift. You know what? I'm going to say something controversial. I like Barnes.

Noble's kind of a dick. Noble's a dick. Noble is a dick. Barnes is kind of known, though. It's Matt Barnes from the Lakers. All right, here we go. Another story. We're going to give dicks.

Let's do it. Get the book. We'll remind you later. Thank you. Sent in by Sean Anderson, at Sean, S-H-A-W-N-E-70. Polk suspects call 911 to ask deputies for help moving items from a home they were burglarizing, officials say. Oh, my gosh. I mean, this is when you're calling for backup.

That's top tier dumb. Genius. So these guys. What kind of drugs are you on? I don't know. Red Bull. But it is. that's right so these guys are the masters of admitting their wrongdoing and then trying to like once i admit

it we're all good right i'm fine yeah i'm telling you that any just the idea that even if it was your own stuff you're like i'm gonna call the cops to have them come help us move this couch yeah exactly even that's stupid maybe call a mover right you're supposed to call a mover and say oh yeah my stuff and then 9-1-1 is easier it's like you don't have to look at anything you guys move between the window of 1 a.m and 3 a.m and can you be very quiet when you're doing it poinsettia florida two never i don't we've never done a story poinsettia two people in poinsettia were arrested it's royal poinsettia there's like a tree royal poinsettia it's florida to never i don't we've never done a story point sienna two people in point sienna were arrested it's royal ponciana there's like a tree royal ponciana it's beautiful look at this guy look at this tour guide over here over here geez he's the arborist that by the way a show on cbs

the arbor remember the mentalist on cbs yes he solves crimes using his brain you mean like every other investigator every detective on this planet he uses his brain. You mean like every other investigator? Every detective on this planet? He uses his brain to solve crime? He uses his brain to solve crime. He's a mentalist. He thinks about shit. All right. Two people in Ponceana, Florida, were arrested after one of them made a 911 call to get help

moving their belongings from a home they were burglarizing, according to the sheriff's office. That's right. Wildly dumb. Officials said no one spoke on the other end of the call. Polk County Deputy... Wait, the dispatcher? I don't know. That's a very confusingly dumb. Officials said no one spoke on the other end of the call. Polk County Deputy. Wait, the dispatcher? I don't know. That's a very confusing.

This is bad journalism. No one spoke on which end of the call. Which end of the call? Did they call and say we need help burglarizing? And then the cops were like. Because you have to assume the dispatcher did their job. What do we say? What do we say?

I don't know. Just find out where they are. Just be quiet. Be quiet. Or did they call and not say anything, and the 911 operator was just guessing? Do you guys need help? What's going on over there? What's going on?

I can tell you're moving something. Are you moving stuff? I can hear you. You need our help. Hang up. Are you burglarizing? It's like the conversation with Lassie. You're burglarizing a house?

He's dicks? Just hang up. There's kids who are sick just hang up but it doesn't count who is that Steven Seagal I need help here we go officials said no one spoke in the call Polk County deputies

responded to the house at first thought no one was inside they found an unlocked sliding glass door in the back and entered yeah they then sliding glass doors people well these guys don't Yeah. They then found. Lock your sliding glass doors, people. Not always. Well, these guys don't. They then found a male and female suspect identified as.

Well, they wouldn't lock it. It's not their house. Right. Yeah, well. They don't care. Identified as, and we're not going to, I'll tell you their ages at the end. Okay. Martin Gonzalez Garcia.

MGG? MGG. Achilles Roldan Ocasio. Cortez. I want to say Cortez. Cortez. It turned out deputies were searching for gonzalez garcia okay who is the new rizzoli and i'll stop after identifying him from a security video as a burglary suspect at a dollar general store in kiss me okay they said far they said he took several items. Kiss me. Is it far from?

Kiss me is in Florida. They must have fun novelty t-shirts. Yeah, sure. Kiss me. I'm kissing you. Sure, dude. Kiss me once. Kiss me twice.

Come on, pretty baby. Kiss me deadly. What is this? Kiss me deadly? You remember that song? No. Who was that? No.

Who is it? Lita Ford. Thank you. One of the runaways. Thank you, Aaron. Thanks for being there for me, bud. They said he took several items earlier another day. Earlier in that day. How many cases of Red Bull?

According to the deputies, the couples were staying in the residence. My reporter knew what they were doing. This reporter is all over the place. Couples said they were staying in the residence because they needed to find a place to stay for the residence. My reporter knew what they were doing. This reporter is all over the place. This guy has no idea. A couple said they were staying in the residence because they needed to find a place to stay for the night. That's all. It's not a lie. You stayed in the residence. That is a seven-year-old's

excuse. Why are you staying here? Because we needed a place to stay for the night. Great story. They both say it at the same time. Because we need a place to stay for the night. Post. Great story. Like they both say it at the same time. Because we need a place to stay for the night. For the night. For the night.

It's like Kaiser Soze. Putting it together. Post Miranda, Martin stated on a recorded statement that he did commit the burglary at the Dollar General. This guy doesn't lie about anything. No. I committed the burglary at the Dollar General store because he needed to get items to sell to make money. He's just saying what he's doing.

I appreciate the honesty. What if I was just totally honest? Yeah. He's going to get out of jail. He's going to write a book, and it's going to be like a self-help book called Totally Honest. How honesty helped me get in and out of crime. And he's going to be a bestseller. And he's going to come on your podcast.

It's going to be called Meth Cooked. Meth Cooked. Martin stated he knew what he did was wrong, but he needed the money. That's right. He needed the money. I'm just being honest. I'm stealing this because I need the money. What?

I need the money. Martin stated he knew that the residence was not his and did not have permission to be in it, but he had to get inside to get out of the cold. That's all he's doing. That's fair to him. I don't. If your voice doesn't make it right.

I don't understand what you don't get about why I stole the things. You've got to get out of the cold. That's all he's doing. That's fair to him. I don't... If your voice doesn't get... It doesn't make it right. I don't understand what you don't get about why I stole the things. You've got to get out of the cold. I stole the things because I need the money and I'm in the house because I need the money.

Listen, Gonzalez, I'm going to teach you to be the best criminal ever, but here's the thing. You've got to be honest, no matter what. Just 100% honest all the way through?

All the way. All the way through. And be shocked that they don't know why you're doing it. I am surprised. So I should pretend that I... No, you be honest. Be. And be shocked that they don't know why you're doing it. I am surprised. So I should pretend that I. No, you be honest.

Be honest. And then when they don't, when they're shocked that I'm being so honest, how do I handle it? You double down on the honesty. You double down on the honesty. And you've been a criminal coach for how long? You know, I went to University of Phoenix. Oh, criminal coaching. Were you a criminology major or a criminal coaching major?

I was a CCM. CCM. Fair enough. I or a criminal coaching major? I was a CCM. CCM. All right, fair enough. Criminal coaching major. You know. And you minored in what? I minored in lying. You minored in lying?

Lying. How do I know if you're telling the truth right there? He's that good. He's that good. He actually minored in it. He actually minored in Asian studies. But again, that's how good he is. That's how good he is.

He took that as a side course. All right, here we go. The home is located, this is it, along Cardinal Court. Deputy said they spoke with the realtor agent who said he didn't give the suspects permission to be inside the residence. Of course he didn't. No. And he didn't. They could have told you that.

So this house is empty. It's for sale. He didn't know either of them. Also, is it realtor or realtor? Realtor. Realtor. Okay. Realtor agent. I didn't know either of them. Also, is it realtor or realtor? Realtor. Okay. Realtor agent. I just think you said realtor.

I probably did. While talking to deputies, Roldan Ocasio told them that she called... A jillion dollar properties. You don't mess with this guy. I'm not messing with him. He knows what a realtor is. Realtor.

Told them that she called 911. Is it skeletor or skeletor? It's regional. It depends where you're from. Thank you. Skeletor. Thank you. Appreciate that.

While talking to the deputies, here we go again. Roldan Ocasio told them that she had called 911 for the purpose... depends where you're from. Thank you. Skeletor. Thank you. Appreciate that. Well, I'll talk to the deputies. Here we go again. Roldan Ocasio told them that she had called 911 for the purpose. This is the scene from Goonies. He's essentially chunk. Right. And then in the second grade. Right.

Damn. I'm starting to like this kid. I love this kid. Purpose of having law enforcement help them move their belongings from the house they burglarize, according to the agency. We could just call the cops because we needed help moving our belongings that we were trying to steal like they're just laying out everything they did wrong this guy's really bad again because most people lie in that instance we're gonna go so straightforward and pretend like why aren't you getting what we're saying

they also wanted to get a ride to the airport so they can spend the weekend in new york come on you made that up yeah no's true. That's in the article. They also want to get a ride to the airport so they can spend the weekend in New York. The reason why we called you guys over here is to help us move the stuff we stole and then take us to the airport so we can fly to New York. Why is that

such a bad thing? Can you guys just do that? Wait, but you said you wanted to get into the house to get away from the cold. We are for the night and then tomorrow we're going to go to New York. But you're in Florida. New York's colder than Florida. Your story's not lining up. They go to New York for the winter.

All right. Deputies did help them with their belongings and did give them a ride, but it wasn't to the airport. It was to the Polk Pokey. Uh-oh. Did it say Polkie? Polkie. P-O-K. Okay, this person needs to retire.

I hate this. I hate them. Polk Pokey. The sheriff's office said in a facebook post you can hear that yeah and they are welcome to stay there all weekend long the poke pokey is much better than new york anyway this guy's throwing jabs in new york shots fired up from the uh from the gold hey new york take us. Yeah, our jails are better than you. Yeah, DeSantis 2024. Yeah. Take that, Disney. Gonzalez Garcia was charged with burglary theft related to the store, also burglary of a residence. Roldan Ocasio was charged with burglary of a residence.

They are also facing charges of possession of cannabis. At this stage? At this stage? Come on. Drug paraphernalia. Deputy said neither have medical marijuana cards. Well, what about like calling 911 with a false? We only don't have medical marijuana cards because we didn't get them.

Because we don't have an ailment that needs it medically. That's all we're saying. So why is that a bad thing? That's the reason we don't have it. Why is that wrong? We're taking these people's stuff because we need the money. Somebody told these guys, if you confess too much, they're going to be like, arrest you. We have no anxiety whatsoever or back pain.

You going to figure out how old they are? Let's figure out how old they are. They're one year apart. So let's guess the age in between. There it is. No, because then you get it right. Something and a half. So let's go around and guess the ages of these.

33 and a half. 33 and a half is in between? What's in between? I'm going to Price is Right you and say 34 and a half. 34 and a half. I'm going to go 26 and a half. All right, get your answers in. Shout out your ham radios.

Okay. The age that is right in between these two is 22 and a half oh daniel they're young wow tell the truth that's honest oh you know that could have been a giveaway like young enough to be like just like there's yeah they're police you can't lie to the police yeah exactly yeah can't lie to them talking so much maybe feel like they were older, but you guys had that pinned down. All right. I've got my third story. It's just about a man who did a, a very long play, a practical joke.

And then he had to stop doing it like that. Run on sense. All of that. The other dude is our guest. He's got a new book called undercooked. Go get it at Amazon or at a small bookstore. If you like dealing with the attitude and that'll be right back back with more uh dumb people town right after this stick around look us down there's more dumb people town

arrivederci hey is that italian ciao that's nice yes italian i want to learn italian what's what's amazing is i went to italy last and I, while I was there, I thought, man, I wish I knew this better. I know Spanish and a little bit of French, but like I said, I want to learn Italian because I know I'm going to be back in Italy. I just had such a wonderful time. So I started with the Babbel program and I was like trying to, it's amazing on my phone. And I was just walking up to my friend Peter's house, who's in my neighborhood. And I said, I wonder if I can do a lesson while I'm walking. Sure. And I'm walking through my neighborhood.

And the lessons are so easy. They're like little games and multiple choice questions. And then they do a good job of reviewing it too. That's right. You know what makes me mad when I get too wrong? Like I got too wrong on one. So then I went back and they let you redo them again to get that perfect score.

I'm a very complete. Yeah, them again to get that perfect score. I'm a very complete. Yeah. You want to get the perfect score. But what I was saying is it just was, I felt so, it was so fun to just be walking my neighborhood and like hearing the Italian and like, I would speak it at the top of my lungs. It was so much. That's awesome. A mille grazie.

So you feel like you're coming along? Yeah, I do feel it's coming along. I definitely feel like I'm more comfortable and it's a very easy way to learn a language. I love how they lay it out. Yeah, I love that Babbel is real language learning for real conversations. That's one of their points that I love about them. Studies from Yale, the best university in Michigan, Michigan State University, and others continue to prove Babbel is better.

For instance, one study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at better. For instance, one study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college. It's unbelievable. So guys, we have a special limited time deal for our listeners. You can get started right now. Get 55% off your Babbel subscription. That's 55%. But only for

our listeners. Go to Babbel.com slash DPT. Get 55% off Babbel.com slash TPT spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash T-P-T. Rules and restrictions may apply. Child Reborn Energy! Stick around, make a sound,

there's more about people town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. I'm going to take us home. Dan and dude, again, one more time. Undercooked. Undercooked this thing. You're undercooked. You're under time. And I'm out of my head brain home dana dude again one more time undercooked undercooked this thing i'm gonna also you know in uh was it you got mail where meg ryan runs a little bookstore um was that you got mail was it i don't know which one is the one where she breaks up because he has like sleep apnea probably sleepless in Seattle. Sleepless in Seattle.

Yeah. I hate that one. But she was snotty and mean in You Got Mail, wasn't she? Was she snotty and mean? Yeah, she was on that bookstore. She was mean to Tom Hanks. All he wanted to do was bring more capitalism into the neighborhood.

That's all he wanted to do. How much mail could she have? You guys ready? It's so much mail. Who's ready for a final story? We are. Sent in by our good friend, Carleen McDermott at she be Carleen.

We love her. You ready for this? Here is, and I had to adjust this. Dan's teaching me well. Why? So Daniel's Daniel teaching me well. So Dan and dude,

we used to do it where Dan did all. Daniel did all three stories. Now each of us do a story. So we're learning the tricks of the trade. How to hold back information to let people guess. He's a master. He's a Jedi. Students are becoming the teacher. Here we go. Here is the headline that I had to alter. Man ends

several years long Langdigley airport sign joke that cost a lot of money. So he's in on this gag for years and years and years for a long time a billboard for lang digley international has been a landmark near near poe's village this is in england got it looks like an ordinary road sign but actually signposts to an

airport that only exists in people's imagination. Wait, so there's a sign for an airport that doesn't exist? Airport this way, but is it an airport? No, it's only an airport of the mind. Did you know they do this at the Austin airport? What? There's that weird gate that says you can time travel. It has all these fake departures for things that aren't real,

like going off to the something system. Oh, the Dagobah system? That would work. Anyway, which I think is a little, right? It goes after Italians, right? Oh, stop. Anyway, it looks like an ordinary road sign. Hey, I got a problem with it.

I don't like what you say. That's not a nice. No, no, no. That's not a nice. An airport only exists in people's imagination. After spending many, many pounds to erect and maintain the sign, the owner decided it's time to take it down. Okay, so this guy, a very long time ago, based on the vague headline you created,

spent some amount of money over, well, maybe years. Could be days. I assume years. I don't know. I said years long in the title. Oh, you did. did okay so to upkeep a sign to a fake airport yep and now he's now decided i need time for me to move on i can't care i can't be doing the same joke that no one laughed at and he laughed loudly to cover the fact that when he would tell people he's doing this no one's laughing gotcha so since and i'm not going to say the year if you travel eastwards

toward the a44 between raiadar and kington you will see a sign directing drivers to terminals one and three of langdigley in uh which is langdigley international airport but drive the two and a half miles as instructed and you will will end up not in an airport, not even in an airfield, but just a field on the outskirts of the village of Langley Powis. Got him. Got him. Got him. And you're not even there when they get pranked. That's it.

It looks like a real sign. Actually, the specificity of the sign itself. One and three. Gates one and three. Terminals one and three is really good. As far as this isn't illegal. In all these years, I haven't had a...

Not that I think it should be enforced. In all these years, I haven't had a single complaint said Nicholas Whitehead. Yeah, you know why? Because no one wants to go to the airport.

Yeah. So no one cares about this. Also, in all these years, you haven't had a complaint because people have Google Maps. Yeah. And it shows them that there's no such place as the airport.

Nor would they be going to that airport. And there's probably no airport near there. So I kind of love this guy. Listen to this. The man behind it, Nicholas Whitehead, is a journalist who used to edit the Radnor edition of the Brecon in Radnor Express and once wrote with Monty Python's Terry Jones. Oh, wow. He said, quote, it started off as a wild conversation with friends one evening in Landigley.

We thought of renting a sign for something that wasn't really there, possibly a project that didn't exist. And we settled on the airport. It started off as a bit of a joke. Then we realized it was actually possible. It was made by Rexham Signs. Rexham. We know them. Welcome to Rexham.

Given the OK, one thing led to another. And there it is. Mr. Whitehead added as a journalist, whatever you do, someone somewhere is going to getrexham. Given the okay, one thing led to another, and there it is. Mr. Whitehead added, as a journalist, whatever you do, someone somewhere is going to get upset about it. So this guy's like, I don't want to hear it. Even if I did nothing, they'd be mad at me. This is also perfect for Dunville Town, because in Dunville Town, there would be signs for an airport that does not exist.

However, this particular joke has seemingly been popular among the locals and tourists alike. Former farmer Neil Richards said the fictitious airport. Former farmer. Former farmer, but he's a farmer former. Neil Richards says that the fictitious airport draws tourists to the area. In all the years, I haven't had a single complaint about Lang DeGlee internationally said. Loads of people love it.

Some people might not get it. But as far as I know, nobody's upset or angry about it. There's also nothing to get. That's a first for me. Well, two of the planes from 9-11 started there, originated's yeah that's true it has cost that's a fact how much in pounds per year to maintain this bill what do you gotta do wipe it down many pounds that's what we do you gotta have that i don't know i don't know why they cost pounds what do you it's true what is the year i think you have to rent the billboard space oh maybe

oh that could be then i'll go 100 pounds a year 100 pounds a year what do you 50 what do you think i'm gonna say a thousand pounds okay get your answers in town is because 1500 pounds wow for this joke this dumb joke i mean like that's so to, like, dig your heels in and be like, I'm going to keep doing this joke right here. Mr. Whitehead decided. We don't even know how many years he's been doing it. Hey, it's time to call it a day. Right.

So we're going to figure out how much money has gone into this thing. I think the airport is established now, and I think the establishment should take it on. It's not an established airport. It's not an established airport. It's not. The joke might be. It's not exactly a national monument, but it's a national treasure. You don't get to say that.

Yeah. Right. Other people get to say that. He hopes that Welsh government heritage bodies. If it were a national treasure, they wouldn't let him just stop. That's right. They'd say we're keeping it. C-A-D-W may be interested in taking over.

Nicholas Cain would make a movie about it. It became an item of Welsh heritage. It wouldn't cost them anything like as much as it costs me in terms of value of money. It's unbeatable. So he's basically run out of money to pay for this thing. Also, what a weird flex to tell everybody you have an extra $1,500. Hey, well, I got news to you. Holly Richards, who lives in Langdon, said this sign's part of our community.

You don't mess with Holly Richards. Well, literally speaking, yes. At a nearby service station, she fell face down in front of a pub. A nearby service station in Crossgates, a cafe popular with bikers locals said they were sad to see landmark oh holly richards then added i lived in langdely all my life this is part of our community it's a bit of a running gag people joke like they've just flown into langdely and they're flying back out tomorrow it's a wonderful feature why can't you just say

that anyway with the sign goes down you can't also if the whole town likes it you get together george bailey and get together like 1,500 rounds. Every time we see it, me and my mates have a giggle. I asked my mom all about it when I was young, and I'd like to be able to tell my own kids about it. You can't tell your kids about it? What? It's a memory. Wait, when I was young.

That means this thing has probably been there for over a decade. Oh, she said it. I've been there a decade. All right, so here's my thing. Farmer Neil Richards. Take the sign and put it on your lawn. Former forearm farmer. this thing is probably oh she said i've been there all right so here's my thing farmer neil richard sign on your lawn former forearm farmer former farmer forearm neil richards said that he helped foreman it helped put the village on the map there's no end of people who've seen it was already on the map who stopped it you know what isn't on the map the airport at our farm at the

edge of the radnor forest asking how to find the airport he said apparently two american air force planes landed nearby as part of a military mission in world war ii the airport has also taken off big way on social media thousands of followers across across facebook and twitter enjoy updates about langdon lee's impressible so that's like 800 and 750 and engage in flights of fancy about their top secret terminal two fuck terminal one and three there's the top secret how have they squeezed so many words out of this article i'm just telling you this is amazingly long article this could have been a guy can't afford to pay for a dumps how long we get out of here on this and then we'll sort of like a okay now how by the way it's 1500 pounds a year now you're gonna do it 1500 pounds a year now but obviously that all the time so so factor that in when you talk about a how long it's been up let's figure

out what the average price would be once we know the years so how long has it been up i'm gonna go long okay what do you think he's been maintaining this for i'll go walter payton i'm gonna go long okay what do you think he's been maintaining this for i'll go walter payton i'm gonna go 34 years what do you think 41 years what do you think 20 years one of you is exactly right no shit now do you want to stay at 34 i'm the only one with a weird number what do you think mine's 40 i'm never gonna knock you think i'm not gonna stick with walter you like to stick with 41 i'm sticking with 40 sticking with 34. Are you sticking with 34? Oh, you did. I'm sorry. I thought you did 44. 41. I'll go 34. I'm staying with it.

You're going to stay? I'm sticking with 20 based on what the font of the sign was. No. It looked like a youngish. Oh, a newish font. That's very good. I like that you have a story about it. All right.

Get your answers in, Townies. Okay. Because that sign has been up. Remember that woman said I've lived in town my whole life. So does she mean I've always been here and I love that or it's been here for as long as i move there you don't know yeah she might have okay so it's been in town and it's been up for 20 years right dana dude i'm talking about author dana dude of the book undercooked so let's figure out this thing really quickly 1500 it's not always been that. 20 years. How many pounds? I bet 900 bucks if you average it out over 20 years,

because it probably was way under. Right. So you're saying. Somewhere around 1,000. No, you're saying 19,000 pounds. Yeah. But I'm saying. Or 18,000 pounds.

Almost 1,000 a year, yeah. Right. So you're saying 18,000 pounds. What do you say? 25,000. 25,000. What do you say? 19,000.

What's the conversion on that? One of you is exactly right. Shut up. Okay. Wait, who said what? I didn't even know we were guessing. 18, 19, 25. Because you said 900 is about the average.

I'm sticking with 18. I'm sticking with 19. I'm getting my calculator out. And I'm staying because of the font of the song. He was right before. All right, you ready? You ready? Come on. Get was right before. All right. You ready? You ready?

Come on. Get your answers in, townies. Shout them at your ham radios because this sign, as a joke, cost Nicholas Whitehead for 20 years $25,000. What's up? All right. The book is called Undercooked. Pick it up wherever you pick up books. Go see us live. Go see Dan's show with Irene, too, at the Cat Scrawl.

Go see our Tag It show at the Comedy Store. Supersclars.com is what it is. And come see us live if we're in a town near you. We'll let you know about other stuff that's going on with us. Can I plug some extra things? Go for it. Do it. Please follow me on the socials, at StandUpDan.

And listen to my podcast, Green Eggs and Dan. Which we were on, which we loved. Which we loved. Love it. Very fun. And yeah, undercooked, baby. I love it.

There you go. Boom, boom. Dan and Doot, you're wonderful. I love that you were here with us. I see you recovered. We got to get back to work, guys. Stick around.

Make a sound. There's more Don't People Town.