Dumb People Town - John Early & Kate Berlant - It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Sconce

Episode Date: January 16, 2018

This week, comedians John Early & Kate Berlant (The Characters, Search Party, 555) join the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk in Dumb People Town! In Story #1, a West Virginia man torches a strip club to keep his girlfriend from stripping. Story #2 features a...

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan. And Dirk, don't be a jerk, cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, punk your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population new. Yes. Population double threat

on this show. Two of our favorite comedians. Are you both comedians? We're both comedians. Both comedians. John and Kate. Kate, John. Kate Berlant, John Early.

You guys. Although I want to reverse it. I don't know why I want it to be Kate Early and John Berlant. I think that... You can do... That actually sounds great. That almost sounds better. I don't know why, but it to be Kate Early and John Berlant. I think that almost sounds better. I don't know why, but I like what you guys have.

I love John Berlant. John Berlant is huge. To me, John Berlant is someone who wrote a paper about the industry. And it's like, have you read the Berlant papers? Yeah. The John Berlant. I don't know why Kate could have been it. This could be our version of Call Me By Your Name.

Kate Early John Berlin. Call Me By Your Last Name. Call Me By Your Last Name. That's the way it would have become. Great. I will get into this later as we talk about projects

that you've done that we love, but I just watched both of your characters Thank you. episodes on Phenomenal. She thanked you

before you gave your judgment on it that's how confident she was well off screen he did say he did say he loved them yes off book which I'm never off book

but in our conversations I was off book first time I was in just a regular conversation and I love them both so much just what you guys created first of all run don't walk

to your nearest Netflix theater watch them they are truly wonderful and I mean so much just what you guys created. First of all, run, don't walk to your nearest Netflix theater. Watch them. They are truly wonderful. And I mean, they sort of, in my opinion, are a culmination of all the stuff that you guys have been doing over the last couple of years. And I love seeing both of you in each other's.

Yes. That was so fun. I was like, of course that was going to happen. But I don't know, just brilliant and beautiful and sort of very evolved character stuff. And I just, did you guys have a hand in saying, I want this to be the way that it is? I want this story to end right here and then come back later? Completely.

I mean, that was like, I think the only sort of rule of the entire series was just like, do whatever you want. I love it yeah that's what I figured but just beautiful and we can we'll talk more about it later I've already spoken

too much about it hey I love praise honestly go on please well you guys are perfect for this because we encounter in this world

as we have all Dan Van Kirk welcome dude hi how are you buddy we encounter some of the craziest and worst people

and just craziest characters that exist as real people in our country. And to have you guys here, because I do believe that you guys are distinct and certainly terrible people in your characters. Terrible and wonderful people. We're going to be able to dig into this, and I know we have stories.

And I think one of the fun things like having you guys on too is when we're doing a character, you're always like, what is this person all about? Like, what is like the thing that they keep getting,

the nail that they keep getting hung up on? What drives her? When we do these stories, to me, that's what's like, what put this person in this scenario?

We try and understand it. You want to do one? Yeah. Before we do, I just want to mention this Friday, this drops on Tuesday, and then this Friday is the release of our first mini-sode.

Yeah, guys, look out for that. So look out for that. We're starting to do it. Kyle Ayers. It'll be super funny. We air the Ayers papers. All right. This was sent in by JB at don't step on a duck.

Just a good rule for life. And why be rude to a duck? Yeah. Here we go. That's a farting reference. Oh. Well, don't try to be kind about that, too. Someone's got nothing.

My dad used to always say, like, when he would fart as he was, like, reading the newspaper, he'd go, did you step on a barking frog? I already was. Barking spider. Yeah, barking spider was a... Did you step on a barking frog? Did you step on a barking frog? Yeah.

Yeah, Dad, I did. A West Virginia man charged with torching a strip club. He's already... You're going to find out how much of a dick he is. Place was lit. Told police that... Jason, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Told police that he set the blaze because he did not want his girlfriend to continue working at the establishment. That is one way to keep that from happening. Yeah, because you're a dick, dude. How about you communicate with the person that you're dating and you're like, I'll just burn it down. I'm going to show you a picture of this guy and when you look at him, you're like,

yeah, that guy sets fires. He is the fire starter. That's been modified. There's no way that guy sets fires. He is the fire starter. That's been modified. There's no way that hasn't been. Is that a wig? I mean, you guys have definitely worked some great wigs before, but his wig wasn't. That's the guy at Comic-Con who someone goes,

he's been standing over there for too long. That is who I fear most on Earth. That guy? No, absolutely. Why that guy? If I were profiling. Because that's the face of all mass shootings. Yeah, it's the face of the mass shooter.

I would walk up to him if I ever worked at any establishment, and I'd be like, how you doing over here? That'd be my, and from a distance. No, Dan, you would say, how are we doing over here? How are we doing over here? How are we doing? Everything good? He hasn't even answered yet, and I'm third and fourth. Everything good? You doing all right? How we doing here? How are we doing? He hasn't even answered yet and I'm third and

fourth. Everything good? You doing alright? How we doing here? So he started dating a stripper so part of him has to understand that this is what she did. Unless she was like an accountant and became a stripper. You don't burn down there. Talk to somebody and be like I don't know if this works. You're allowed to do whatever you want with your life.

This wasn't the woman he started dating perhaps. That's all I'm saying. Am I wrong to say that? He's a dumb person. According to police, ready for this name? He was born for greatness, guys. Creo Chance Bishop. That's his full name. C-R-E-I-O.

Is that Creo? Please don't come after me. I know. Chance the Bishop. He's very passive. I guess he's aggressively passive about the way he deals with things, right? If you're setting a door to a strip club on fire. Yesterday, I attempted to burn down-

Wait, he set the door on fire? Guys, I don't always read these super well in details. He attempted to burn down JB's Gentleman Club in Huntington. For people who are playing along, the person who sent this in is JB at Don't Step on a Duck. So this could be his actual

strip club. And he was like, oh, I have my own dumb person. He never says that. He didn't tell me anything in the tweet. The 3.30 a.m. fire damaged the club's front door, air conditioner, and surveillance camera sliding, siding, and exterior wall. Investigators allege that Bishop watched the fire burn from across the street and even yelled at a passerby to mind his own business

when the witness attempted to be dialing 911. So the guy goes across the street to Walmart. To watch it go. To watch it go up to a wall. That I get. That you get. You want to see your work. Yeah.

Your handy work. I was a pyro were you really when I was younger not like never to a really dangerous point you like burn a cup but I would

I would set fires oh I just remembered I had a big trip trick in college I would set like start small fires at parties really

yeah like in the house so okay so here's all my pyros out there. Coffee mate is flammable. Oh. So I would go ahead

and buy some powdered coffee, the powdered coffee mate. And what you do is you, it's an expert thing, you drizzle it through your hand and then you have a lighter underneath it and and it creates a real

You're like an amateur magician. Yeah, yeah. And so I would go like at a party in Brooklyn where I was living. I would go out on the balcony or the roof and then set fireballs off from the roof. For like an audience? Yeah, and the party below would go, whoa.

I love this. And then I also did it in the stairwell at my dorm because similarly the shaft of the stairwell. But how long does the fireball last? They can get pretty, I mean, it's brief. It's like whoosh and then it's gone. How did you hope to, after you performed that? Get a boyfriend. Okay.

Yeah. Because dudes love two things. Chicks that love, magicians and chicks that can burn stuff down. I love this, Kate. My house burned down when I was eight years old. This is true. Really? Did someone try and burn a barking frog?

No. Okay. Honestly, we'll never know, but no, it was an electrical fire. Wow. On Christmas, and normally the- The tree? No, but that's so common.

Isn't that so scary? But it wasn't the tree. So your house burned down on Christmas. So Christmas Eve into Christmas or Christmas night? Everyone's fine. No one was hurt. Honey, I already got my presents. It was Christmas night,

and they're all gone now. Whoa. Was everybody asleep? Honey, I already got my presents. Yeah, my mom. You're like, my whole family died. Yeah, yeah.

But I got my presents. By the way, Honey, I Already Got My Presents was the movie that Rick Moranis wanted to make. And maybe that's the thing that drove him out for so many years.

That is crazy that your own house, that's terrible. So you got out for so many years that is that is crazy that your own house that's terrible so you got like woken up and like get out everybody run away my dad

my sister and my mom were out of town thank god like we opened presents and then they went to go see my grandmother and then my dad and I stayed back

I went to bed and then yeah he woke me up at like 2 in the morning and was like we gotta go well and he also like he didn't even say anything

he just like got me out of bed and I wasn't wearing underwear okay and that's why you're gay that was the first that was that turned you yes that moment um i'm not gonna make a flaming joke when there's fire yeah below the knee it has to be below the knee I miss wearing night shirts I wear night shirts as you know you're still rocking the night shirt game

my kids do were you wearing one of those night cat like to me the night cat with the ball regalia no I was wearing

a night shirt no underwear and then he like yeah he picked me up and like put my head under his bathrobe because there was smoke and we like ran out and then he like yeah he picked me up and like put my head under his bathrobe because there was smoke yeah and we like ran out oh and then he like and then yeah that's an unbelievable it's amazing and then he like and then he knocked on our neighbor's door because

it was an electrical fire the phones weren't working and then he and it was like please call 911 our house is burning down and then i had this terrible fear of being kidnapped for like the next year it's so sad but i was like but, and I never put two and two together, obviously because I was eight. Yeah. But I just had this like paralyzing of ever being kidnapped by, literally I would have dreams

where I was being kidnapped by members of my family. Wow. Well, because when you, when you got scooped up and ran out, you were still waking up and processing what was happening.

So the trauma. Yeah. Have you woken up very quickly recently? Yes. Just like literally alarm goes off for whatever reason and you get up really quickly. That to me, I guess the older I get, the more I am disoriented for longer. Totally. It'll be like 20 minutes and I'm like, where am I?

What am I doing right now? Yeah. I get so, I was realizing this, I get so scared. Well, like the other night, because it's raining in Los Angeles here, which is very unusual. And I woke up to the sound of rain on the skylight in my bathroom, not to brag. So you were on your bathroom floor passed out.

Not to brag. But I woke up and I was like, in a pool of my own vomit, not to brag. To the sound of the pitter pattering. And I got out of bed. I like rose and like tiptoed and i was like and i was like and i was it's an animal it's like it has to be an animal and i was like what the fuck and it was rain yeah so you know you've been having a drought

yeah when you hear rain and you think they're home invasion somebody's coming for me yeah if If you've ever gotten out of bed, you might be in a drought. I sleep with the windows open. And I heard a bird in the morning. I like to pretend like our whole house is a sleeping porch. And I heard a bird in the morning just making a bunch of noise. And I was in a half sleep, half awake, I said, please turn that cell phone off.

Really? Ah, you knew you were saying it. All right, so this guy watches a strip club door burn from a Walmart parking lot. Yeah,

and then yells at a person walking by who calls 911. So imagine that. Mind your own damn business. He's like, no, let it go.

This is not your fight. It's supposed to be happening. Sir, there's a fire I'm calling. It ain't for you, though. Like, he's yelling at a person trying to do good. I imagine that he's, like, in the doorway of, like, a cricket wireless. And he's yelling at people.

Right? Totally. I mean, and that's normal for a cricket wireless. Yeah. He works there, or used to work there. Investigators allege that Creo Chance Bishop CCB, if you're nasty, watched the fire burn from across the street and even yelled at the passerby. He was subsequently apprehended in the parking lot of the Walmart across from the strip club.

He never left the Walmart. He watched it. If you have created a crime scene and responders are called to that crime scene and you're there, leave. We're not telling people to do crime. No, but if you do, get out. I'd say

if you wait in a Walmart parking lot long enough, you're going to get caught for something. I actually think that's the way to not get caught, is to stay there. Stay close by and act. What's going on? That's the way you do it. Cup of coffee. What's going on here? Go try to help. Go up to the cop. What's going on here, buddy? Is there anything

I can do? They say in a lot of arsons like Cousins of Firemen they say in a lot of arsons that the person who did it is almost always there because they want to see it burn and then they want to see the guys try to put it out

I know this wasn't in the movie Backdraft but I just in my brain assumed that Donald Sutherland is around every fire and he's like what's going on here with like a toothpick

in his mouth I never saw Backdraft I've also never seen We're very young. We just turned 16. It's still available. But I do love Donald Sutherland. It's okay.

It's available on Laserdisc. Okay. I accidentally bought Laserdiscs. Okay. Cue the gifs. All right. Pew, pew.

Pew, pew, pew. I accidentally bought laser discs in high school thinking they were records oh me too I bought I was like

Beauty and the Beast okay this thing looks that record looks dope and then put it on the record player and ruin the needle and the disc yeah yeah

oh my god I won't side trail this too much but since it was mentioned did anybody watch Donald Sutherland in 60 minutes no oh it is

amazing recent he talks so vulnerably and openly about his career and his life and how it's hard watched Donald Sutherland on 60 Minutes? No. Oh, it is amazing. He talks so vulnerably and openly about his career and his life and how it's hard to go through life as an unattractive person

is what he says. But he's so hot. I agree. He said when he was a young boy, he went and told his, he asked his mother, he goes, Mother, am I ugly?

And she looked at him and walked out of the room and he ran to his bedroom and cried his eyes out. And that'll... What a bitch. No, that's good. She did not say no. It's good restraint of the room. And he ran to his bedroom and cried his eyes out. And that'll... What a bitch. No, she did not say no. It's good restraint on the pair.

That interview is so amazing. I just... I don't want to sidetrack to it, but everybody should go watch it. We see his ass in Animal House. Oh, it's wonderful. He gets that serum. Donald Summerlin?

Yeah. When he starts dating, what's his name? You guys got to get on LaserDick. 24, right? That's who we're talking about. Yeah, we're talking about 24. Yes.

Talking about Lost Boys? I don't know a lot. That's Kiefer. That's Kiefer. That's who we're talking about. Yeah, we're talking about 24. Yes. Talking about Lost Boys? I don't know a lot. That's Kiefer. That's Kiefer. That's his son. Here's Kiefer. Of course, apologies to the group. Here's my question.

Back to the story. You got a strip club across the street from Walmart. You're from the South. Which came first? Did the Walmart go up around the strip club thinking like we could get some of this business? Or did the strip club go up just so that dudes had something to do while their wives were at Walmart? It is the latter. Right.

The Walmart. Wait, wait, wait. No, I'm confused. Yeah, the Walmart came after. The Walmart came after. The Walmart came up after the strip club. No. Well, oh, interesting.

Yeah. I think the Walmart came after the strip club. It's like the Staples Center comes downtown and then all these restaurants kind of come around it. The bistros follow. It's like, oh, we're now going to build this whole village around this whole area that's right here. Strip club came up and was like, well, there are people coming by here.

Might as well. They need like, they're going to need toilet paper. They're going to need golf balls. Just put in the old Walmart. They're going to need a place to watch the strip club burn from. They're going to need lighter fluid and they're going to need sunglasses. No injuries occurred in the fire, which did minimal damage to the strip club's exterior. So Chance Bishop can't even get that right.

So he can't communicate and he can't burn anything. Let me say this. If you own a strip club, you know the mental state of most of the people working there. From the top down, you know there will be people connected to those people who are there who may try will you try and build the strip club

to understand that this will probably be someone's going to try and burn this place down eventually do you sort of factor that in as you're building

a strip club did that happen in the Sopranos I haven't seen it yet Sopranos I don't think so and I'm about to Sopranos

do you call it Sopranos oh my god you don't call it Sopranos did I say Sopranos Sopranos. I don't think so. And I'm about to. Sopranos? You call it Sopranos? Oh my God. You don't call it Sopranos. Did I say Sopranos? No. You just did. Originally? I don't think so.

Sopranos. He said Sopranos. We'll run it back. Rewind the tape. We'll run it back. We'll run it back. Upon his arrest, Bishop reportedly revealed that a personal motive for the blaze was he wanted it to force the closure

of jb's as a way of keeping his girlfriend michaela from continuing to perform there it's the only strip club in town michaela you don't need this jerk after being detained bishop quote excitedly stated that he was tired of his girlfriend working at jb's so he set it on fire that's twice they've mentioned in the article which means i think he also wanted to get caught because he wouldn't leave wal Walmart and then wouldn't shut up about it. Like, we get it, man. You set it on fire. Well, it's already of, it's fundamentally a very dramatic

move. Like, it's very theatrical. It's not so, so of course he stuck around. Of course. I don't think it really came from a real practical place. He also thinks he's right. He thinks he's right. He's like, I'm keeping her from doing this, guys. Who's got my back here? You know who I don't like in this

story? Jim Reed. Jim Reed, the club's manager, told WSAZ, a reporter for them, that if the guy makes bail, that'd be Bishop, he could not risk keeping Michaela as a dancer because he might do this again and it could be worse next time.

Don't punish her because she has an idiot boyfriend who can't. Wait, how did he punish her? He's saying he's going to let her go. She can't dance there anymore

because it's a liability. What if Bishop comes back and tries to set on fire? I'm like, can we not cater to people who have not You just rewarded the guy. You rewarded that he won.

Yeah, I'd be like, screw off. We're going to build this out of brick and you're never going to burn it down. She's never going to not be dancing. As Gail's girlfriend said on the Golden Globes.

Oh! Time's up. Yeah. Yes. Time's up. Time is up for that behavior. Yeah. Charge her second degree arson.

That's the way I referred her. Bishop is being held in lieu of a $10,000 bail. So he only has to come up with $1,000? Isn't it 10% of that? If you get a bail bondsman I wouldn't give it to him though I would say no go in you're a jerk he's a threat to society and he scares Kate

very much wish him the best I mean she likes him do not come anywhere near her not on my watch alright that's story one guys Jesus Christ I'm a little terrified by that behavior. Don't be.

Wait till you hear story two. It's all going to be fun and laughs. What's story two? Give me a tease, something tiny. I could read you the headline. Yes.

Let's hear it. Woman gets engaged to 90-year-old chandelier. I'm in. I'm so in. Oh, yeah. You know what? I think I've seen this.

I love objectum sexualis. There you go. Yes, that's what it is. We're going to hear all about it I can't wait I get it well let's take a break should we take a break

yeah take a break and then we'll come back and we'll hear about this where are we gonna go we're just well that's the magic pasta corner the magic

sugarfish sugarfish I saw a parmesan wheel up front you want us to grade off of it let's grade it yeah alright we'll be back with more Dumpy with Tom

right after this hey guys welcome back to the show wasn't that great, you guys? That was fun. We did so much. I'm so full. Don't eat on the mic. Don't eat on the mic. I wanted to tell the two of you, I think it's from 555,

the so simple, perfect scene of, I believe you guys are like laying in a bed trying to exchange phone numbers. Yeah. Oh my God, that is perfect. She's trying to give me the number of a Molly dealer. You're playing that out is phenomenal.

It's one of those things where you're like, this is so simply done and so good. I loved that show. I love what you guys did with it. Still available for download on Vimeo.com forward slash 555. Spelled out, not the numbers. It's 399. Look at that. Do it, everybody. for download on Vimeo.com forward slash five five five spelled out not the numbers it's $3.99

look at that do it everybody it's great sketch show when you guys put together a sketch like that is that one of those things where you're just like

what if we just play out this beat and see where that goes yeah it came out of an improv and that was improvised yeah yeah

I loved it most of that series is improvised nice that's so fun is. I loved it. Most of that series is improvised. Yes. Nice. That's so fun. Is that how you guys write? Or does somebody come with an idea?

We now write. We now properly write and we are loving it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, if someone comes with a germ of an idea and then you both start riffing or you're like, this is what- We wrote the idea. Yeah.

Or we'll be like, oh, this is going to be funny. And then we just riff. Yeah. Yeah. 555, we could have been more scripted. it's like riff but yeah 555 we could have been more scripted oh honey yeah

we really definitely could have but it was that was the goal originally was for it to be an improvised series but I think we realized

what we were doing we're like would have helped and nailed some stuff down and that thought the crazy thing is that that thought was improvised

exactly could have helped came out of an improv this is that that thought was improvised. Yeah. Exactly. It could have helped. It came out of an improv. Are you guys going to do a second story? This is heavily scripted. No, I'm tired. This show that we're doing right now, we're all, thank you guys for taking the scripts, internalizing them, making them.

Thank you guys for being there at the table read, which again was not required. To do an episode. Yeah. All right. Here we go. Ready? Yeah. Sent in by Mark Dunlap, at Mark Dunlap, M-A-R-C, like the fashion designer. Malk. D-lap m-a-r-c like the fashion designer

a british woman plans to marry a chandelier she bought online and admits she's hooked on quote kisses and cuddles with the dusty antique amanda objectification and his discount is online yes that's how they met she walked like What happened in the olden days when you walked into an antique store, saw a chandelier that you loved, and then married it? Yeah.

Like now you got to look online. It's like, how big is First of all, the chandelier makes it seem like it's much bigger online. And then you get it

and you're like, eh, it's really. Amanda Liberty, that's her name, isn't fazed by the whopping 57-year-old age gap between her and the tarnished light fitting. That's so sweet. Who she's dubbed Lumiere.

Oh. Yes. I hate the Lumiere. Oh, no, I'm sorry. I read it wrong. Lumiere. Lumiere. Lumiere.

So she actually thinks- Sleep medication? Yes. Yeah. This is extra. Lumiere. Speaking- Symptoms range.

Yeah. Ask your doctor. If Lumiere is right for you. Speaking of her wife-to-be She spent money Okay, now I'm on board Shipping over from Europe in 2016 The chandelier

And as soon as she saw Lumiere on eBay I knew immediately that she was the one for me And it was love at first sight Lumiere is the name of the candle In Beauty and the Beast Sometimes in Dumb People Town We we're just glorifying our characters. And today we're meeting a great one. I'm going to ask you guys, how much money do you think she spent on Lumiere?

$5,700. $5,700. You didn't even flinch. $5,700. You have a chance. Johnny, you can pick any place you want to go. You can go last. You can go in between.

You can make us guess first. Whatever you want to do. I'm going to. You can go in between. You can make us guess first. Whatever you want to do. I'm going to guess now. Okay. Of course you are. In five, four, three, two. $197. Oh, okay.

And you said $5,700. I'm going to show you guys a picture if you want to change Kate. Okay. I want everybody to be fair. Okay. Look at her. Loving her chandelier. Like Patricia Clarkson

plays her in the movie. She's one of my new favorite characters in Dumb People Time. You guys are going to find out why soon. Do you want to change your guess at all? Or does that still look possibly like a 1500 from Kate? Still 197? Yes. Okay. Alright. Jason or Randy? I'm going to say 750.

750. That was exactly what I was going to say. Wow. Okay. All right. Jason or Randy? I'm going to say $750. $750. $750. And that was exactly what I was going to say. Oh, shit. Wow. That's not true. You can stick with it if you want. I'm going to really make this hard on myself and say $749.

Okay. Here we go. But you don't have to go over. I mean, I'm just... In order to buy the chandelier off eBay and have it shipped to her. Oh. Yeah. I wasn't including shipping.

Yo, you weren't including shipping. Do you want to bump yourself a little? Including shipping. Yes. Yeah. Yo, you weren't including Do you want to bump yours up a little? Including shipping. Yes. What, you got it from London? Yeah. $450. $450.

So the shipping more than the chandelier. One of you in this room is within $50. Oh. So what did she spend? Why did you? She spent $500. Oh. Look at that shipping cost.

Whoa. Yeah. You better work. She was based in Germany, and although I knew it would be tricky to get her home, I knew I needed to find a way to make her mine. Is it bad that... I feel like Casey Kasem reading a letter.

Whoa. Wait, to make her mine. Did he die? Coming in at number four. I think he died. Coming in at number four. It's wind beneath my wings. To make her die.

I think he disappeared after 9 9-11 i mean you know he literally disappeared yeah no he passed away there was a long battle with the state and his wife the estate battle with his children was terrible someone they all thought they read it they read the letter it was like coming in number one getting a bulk of my estate uh quote i couldn't stop thinking about her and how beautiful she was says Amanda Liberty she's such a beautiful shape and I could I could really I could feel really amazing energy coming from her it's great Amanda Liberty does sound like a drag queen like a good drag queen oh great one like maybe all like dressed like the Statue of Liberty and singing patriotic stuff. I would have called,

and we have a friend, Suzanne Weber, who did poetry and comedy under the name Anita Liberty. But if Anita Liberty was a drag, you just sang Anita Baker songs. Why wouldn't you? Well, I have an announcement.

I think I saw this article and I think her last name is Liberty because she married the Statue of Liberty. Here we go. We're going to get into it. After winning the online auction for Lumiere, you guys just acted like a Maury audience. Yeah.

Like someone just revealed the contents of the Manila envelope. You are not the father. Liberty patiently waited for her to turn up at her lead's home, turning to her other chandeliers. Do you guys want to guess how many chandeliers she has? Four.

Four from Kate. Anybody else? That's some Salt Lake City shit. Turning to her other chandeliers, it's got to be at least seven. Seven? She's got, you said four?

I think she's got 10. 10 from Randy? 22. 22? No. Turning to her 24 other chandeliers. John! It's two

for two. You're a wizard. Thank you. You're a wizard. Lord. Listen to this. Turning to her 24 other chandeliers

who she claims she was in a quote, open relationship with before meeting Lumiere. Sure, sure. That is a

baby, baby, baby, you don't understand. It was open. No, it's all you now. That is a lighting orgy. Baby, you don't understand. It was open. No, it's all you now. That is a lighting orgy. Anytime someone comes to another person and says, would you be into having an open relationship, and they've already been having others,

that person's involved with someone else. You're trying to sell that to your partner. You're post-selling a pre-sale thing. She said, after buying the chandelier, I patiently waited for her to be imported to the UK and after six days of waiting, she was finally in my arms. She has been disassembled

for her own safety, but once I put all her pieces together and she settled into her new home, our relationship just went from strength to strength. I've never heard that expression in my life. We're going strength to strength.

We're going strength to strength. We're going strength to strength. By the way, that is how Angela Bassett lives her life. Oh, hell yeah. Strength to strength. A friend of, that is how Angela Bassett lives her life. Oh, hell yeah. Strength to strength. A friend of mine actually named her Lumiere because of the film Beauty and the Beast.

I have an issue with that because Lumiere- Was a male character. I know, and I'm not trying to gender assign anything. Candle. I've been told I look like the candle. What? You look like the candle in- Oh, wait a minute.

That was actually really good. Yeah, when you- You can't see what she's doing right now, but your head is literally on fire. That's unbelievable. The Beauty and the Beast where this candlestick comes alive. Last Valentine's Day,

I proposed to her to signify our long-lasting love. I hope at some point we will have a commitment ceremony. I haven't been engaged before, so it's new and exciting. So she's bumping it up a notch. Perhaps due to Lumiere's

age, Amanda doesn't take her to bed every night, preferring to snuggle up with another of her fancy light shades called Jewel under the covers. Not former homeless singer. Do you think if you took this woman to Lamps Plus, her head would explode? For the article,

she got into bed with Jewel and showed how they coddled to sleep at night. Wow. I see nothing wrong with what's going on right now. Hey, we just love her. I love that she's in town. It's a victimless crime as far as I'm concerned. There's no crime. I feel like also it's like, oh, maybe she's intensely psychic and like the spirits of

the people who had the chandeliers in their homes. What if? They're like horcruxes. She's got horcruxes in her house. She is like looking at life through the dimension of some object that had been in other people's lives. Liberty said, none of my chandeliers are jealous of each other. They understand that I love them all for different personalities. She sounds very controlling.

I will say this, a chandelier don't talk back. She said, for example, I love kissing and cuddling Lumiere, but I sleep with Jewel every night as she is portable and very nice to cuddle. I've always loved the look of chandeliers. And when I saw my first chandelier, Luna, it was love at first sight. You can't control who you fall in love with. And things just went from there. Kudos to her. I spend my spare time restoring old and broken chandeliers to their former glory, which I really enjoy.

As I can tell, they enjoy the attention that they receive. My dream job would be to work in public buildings such as Buckingham Palace, looking after the grand chandeliers that they have there. I don't know if that's good because- Keep dreaming, sweetheart. Yeah, exactly. Old and broken are two words I'd use to describe you. No.

Yes. Oh, I'm kidding. I love this. No. At Sklar Brothers. No. Oh, come on. But I love this show. At Sklar Brothers. No. Oh, come on. But there's only one of us.

But it hasn't always been a light touch that Liberty has craved. As an, and you called this Kate, objectum sexual, someone who is sexually attracted to inanimate objects, all sorts of bits and bobs have caught her eye. Her first relationship was with a drum kit when she was just 14. You get that. Following along at home, John is now on board. But she grew older.

That was the first time he perked up. Her taste developed, and she soon had her eyes on bigger sights. Liberty fell in love with the Statue of Liberty, who she affectionately calls Libby, and has traveled to the U.S. six times to gaze longingly at the 305-foot-tall monument. In 2010, she changed her surname by deed poll to Liberty to show her commitment to the 142-year-old statue. You're on this, Kate Berlant.

There's a great, you can YouTube, there's a BBC series on objective homosexuality. Oh, really? Yeah, and it's pretty amazing. And there's one woman, she's in love with the Eiffel Tower, and the camera crews follow her to the Eiffel Tower, and she takes off her underwear and sits on one of the beams. Girl. Is it like seeing a child who can't hear and then hears for the first time?

Yeah, yeah. Like one of those videos? I thought you were going to say she takes off her underwear and then John's dad comes in and swoops in. And carries her to the monument next door. Call the police. She's John Fultower. John Fultower is me.

I love that we're laughing about the most traumatic event in his life. I was fine. It's why he turned to comedy. Exactly. Look, we make like a house on fire. However, Liberty struggled to have a long-distance relationship. I think it's hard. And also, we're not underestimating the fact that the Statue of Liberty is a French woman.

They're difficult people. A lot of barriers. She has an eight-foot-long face, and then she turned to chandeliers for conversation. So do I. Hell, we make it work. It does. You do get to say why the eight foot long face whenever things

are not going well also I think more people have been inside the Statue of Liberty than you I'm just gonna say that and guess not me

I can be whoever I want to be with we've been inside the Statue of Liberty I remember we went I've never been inside first time we were in New York

because we grew up in St. Louis first time we were in New York was we were 21 right 18 18 because we grew up in St. Louis, first time we were in New York was, we were 21, right? 18. 18, maybe. I can't remember.

But we climbed up. The elevator was not working, so we climbed up the steps of the Statue of Liberty. Oh, my God. All of the flights of stairs. It was a bit of a spiral staircase as you go up. You are going up for so long. You are just going up and going up and going up and going up. And then you get to the top in the crown and literally,

because there's people behind you, there is nowhere to stand. You just get up to the top and as you're at the top, you just start going back down. No. There was no time to enjoy it. It was a nightmare.

It was a nightmare. And now they don't let people in. No, they don't. Yeah, I think that sucks. I really, really want to go inside. I kind of want to too. Yeah. I think that sucks. I really, really want to go inside. I kind of want to, too. Yeah. I would do that.

Being inside was cool. Just the way that we had to experience it was not. But being inside of it was actually awesome. Let me ask the scores. Is it actually, do you see the shape of it? Yeah, you see the robe, all of it. It's really fun. Let me ask the scores.

Let them open it. Can we get them to open it, you guys? Let me ask the scores this. We'll call. Do you think that I would be able to make it? Because we tried to go inside another monument. No, no. So we went to, we were in St. Louis recently.

I'm not afraid to admit this about myself. In December. You can make fun of me. This was great. We went up to the Arch. St. Louis Arch has the 630 feet tall. And I thought it was like an elevator. 630 feet tall, 635 on Tinder.

You know, you always got to lie just a little bit taller. And so- The woman who was taking us in said that it was a gateway monument. I don't think she meant to say that. She meant that it was the gateway to the West. But we're like, it's a gateway monument. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Once you-

You're naked, waking up like in the Space Needle. Like, how did I get here? But you get into this tiny egg. I thought it was an elevator. I thought we were getting into an elevator. I'm like, I can handle an elevator. It's an egg with seats, maybe five seats around. So one in the center and then two on the other side.

It is a capsule. It is a capsule. No, but it's a serenade. It was designed by S.O. Serenade. Aero Serenade. And so you kind of go up the side of the arch. Let me say this. Dan got in the elevator. We get tickets. It was designed by S.O. Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros Aros like mini movies that are projected on screens and people are taking pictures of movies it's a drama process then we wait down another aisle and you stand in front of your designated capsule place where you're supposed to go i'm still thinking this is an elevator i get claustrophobic but an elevator i've seen enough i've watched die hard enough like i can get out the top if i have

to get out and so we get in they open up these little deals. We walk in. And you are inside a marshmallow. It is like a white little egg thing. And we sit down. And I look all over. I'll tell you exactly what you said. I know my limits. And he just walked right out. I go, I'm up.

And they're like, Dan, come back. I'm like, guys. I know who I am. I know who I am. Knowing that I would just. It became a Helen Reddy song. If it was like, I could have forced myself to do that

but I would have spent the entire thing talking myself out of a panic attack and be like well I did it and I avoided a panic attack that I didn't even need

to try to engage with and so I just I've done that numerous times your panic about it made me panicky throughout the whole thing

I'm sorry and then when I was up there I was like very acutely aware I Very acutely aware of- I was acutely aware that there was nothing underneath me. So we're in the middle of the arch, like at the top, 630 feet high. And I'm like, I like- You know.

You just know that there's nothing under- In a building, you're like, there's a bunch of- And there's no way out. So if it malfunctioned, until they get up there to then lower you back down, you're not getting out of the thing. And so I was like, I just, I can't. Yes, I could do it if I needed to do it. Your anxiety rubbed off on us. So then I went and watched the old movie again, and it was great.

The Eiffel Tower scares the shit out of me. I watched a little four-year-old kid get stuck in a chair. It was beautiful. I haven't done that. Monuments for me, who cares? You know, I just don't. It's not my... Is that your thing? No.

I like national parks. And I know that falls under national parks, but I'll go to Monument Valley. Oh, of course. Oh, look at the Eiffel Tower. Statue of Liberty I just think is fun. As far as monuments go, it's got a lot of character. Statue of Liberty.

It's not so like... It it's just it's feminine woman yeah it's a woman can i go back a little bit and ask you kate if the the bbc sorry guys yeah the bbc thing is like the tlc one like is it oh no it's much better really my secret obsession by that like that i like to eat this a laundry detergent. Yes. Or the guy who had sex with his car. Oh, yeah. He's that. I was so ready for that, and it was very disappointing.

The BBC one is better. Okay. But maybe only because they have an accent that somehow projects something. It's more legitimate. More newsworthy. If I heard this woman talking about her relationships with her 24 chandeliers, I'd probably be like, maybe there's something to that. And a British accent.

Quaint. It feels quaint. And then if you heard in like a southern accent, like with like, you know, like, I get in that bed

every night with that chandelier we roll around. Get all of you. Nope. Well, her living room, Liberty's living room

is adorned with memorabilia dedicated to the monuments who she still, she says she still loves Libby but the long distance was too hard I get it I get it too no matter what the relationship

I get it I get it me too have you ever been in a long distance relationship yes it's hard two years I did it

I did it for two years I was like I can't sorry Liberty said one year people I mean now you can Skype

the Statue of Liberty I mean there is a FaceTime scenario but still. In the torch. It's not the same. In the torch. Liberty said people. Are you talking to me from Ellis Island right now?

What is happening? Liberty said people often can't understand that this is just a natural orientation for me and that I find beauty in objects and can sense their energy. I hope it is like a horcrux. Quote, I want people to see how happy the chandeliers make me and how much they've enriched my life. I'm not hurting anyone by entering into a relationship with them. I'm simply, this is what I love too.

And like I said, not everybody in Dumb People Town is bad, but there are always characters. I'm not hurting anyone by entering a relationship with these things. I'm just simply following my heart. I just don't like that the chandelier is a woman. I don't either. That's where I draw the line. You can do what you want.

Why you got to do that? Why you got to make it that? I mean, you called it a man's name. Lumi-air. That's what they did in the new Beauty and the Beast. I agree. All right, that's story two. Story two, down in the books.

That was actually a really sweet story. What are we looking at in story two? God invented Adam and Eve, not Adam and Eve menthols. Like, that would be a shirt that someone who fights, like, objected. I want to read you. I'm going to read you this headline. It's not Adam and Sconce. I was trying to think of one.

Okay, that's delightful. I knew I would start. Wait, it isn't? I'll be honest. I haven't been listening this entire time because I've literally been trying to think of an Adam and Eve joke. That's fine. That was related. It's not Adam and Eve.

It's Adam and... And then like chandelier related. And then you just did it. Adam and Scott. Oh, yeah. I'm going to read you guys the headline for our third story. But you have to... Everyone has to promise me we have to go straight to break because you're going to want to run with this.

There's nothing on it. Okay. Okay. Here we go. We're going to go straight to break. Yep're going to want to run with this. There's nothing on it. Okay. Okay. Here we go. We're going to go straight to break. Yep. Straight to break after you say this. Can we quickly decide where we're going to eat during the break?

Yes. Yes, of course. During the break. I was thinking Lowry's Steakhouse. Okay. Okay, good. All right. Grieving daughter to sprinkle mother's ashes on turkey and pudding for Christmas dinner.

We'll be right back. We'll be right back. Welcome back, guys. This is, we are in segment three of Dumb People Town. We have a live Dumb People Town that is happening this weekend. Yes, this Sunday. At the San Francisco Sketch Comedy Festival. Oh, very fun. Who are your guests?

It's our guests. No, our guest is Scott Thompson. What better place? Kids in the hall That's so cool It's gonna be so much fun And the night before You guys are doing a headlining show And I'm doing a Wahlberg solution

You're doing your Wahlberg solution With Scott Adsit Kevin Pollack Beautiful Cole Stratton And Kenny Stevenson What is a Wahlberg solution? So the character that I do

Mark Wahlberg Little peek behind the curtain For anybody who doesn't know I just come out And I talk like this dude And we treat it So good We treat it like politically incorrect.

I do a panel discussion with real fucking news topics and me and my famous friends figure this fucking shit out, dude. He's in the room. I love it. You fucking kidding me right now? Oh my God.

That's all we do. And the only person that will never be on my show ever? Mark Wahlberg. Donnie. Donnie Wahlberg. Donnie is his brother.

You don't want to let him on because he's going to talk about burgers. For me, that's like just pure departed. I've given him the fucking house. What else do I need to give this kid? Don't put a fucking rat on because he's going to talk about burgers for me that's like just pure departed I've given him the fucking house what else do I need

to give this kid don't put a fucking rat on the thing it's so good it's so great at Sketchfest because Scott Atzit is being himself

and Kevin Pollak if he wants to can be anybody he wants to be himself but then other people like Kenny Stevenson is going to be Nicholas Cage

so we have other people be celebrities and it's real news topics and we just fucking smug love it. That's so fun. Super fun. That's quite an impression.

I might fly out. Do it. Fly out. Oh, crash it. Yeah. Fly out. And then we'll be in at the

Want to? Do it. We'll get sushi. We'll be at the Bell House in New York doing shows with our guests our Christina and Corinne from Guys We Fucked.

So those guys are our guests on this live. Don't people tell that we're doing it on the 25th. I think that's almost sold out. So we might have to add a second show. Add a second show. Let's fly out for that, John. You guys want to fly out for that? Yeah.

Do that. I have a lot of miles. Yes. No, we want you to pay for it. By the way, weird thing to brag about. So many miles. On just one airline? No, in fact rather you don't brag about so many miles on just all just one airline no in fact i truly don't have so many miles which is so embarrassing because i for years

didn't have the programs because i was like i can't fucking me too i can't figure it out it's too stressful too much to sign up yeah sign up yeah i was like so i have to have a username and a password that's too much and i was like was like, I can't. And then just years of wasting, just burning, just hemorrhaging money. All right, you guys ready to do this? Yes.

I'm feeling all the people who are like, please get into this headline. John, how do we get you in the head to do this? I don't know. We just follow along.

You jump in if you want, buddy. Okay, he's in, he's in, he's in. This was sent in by Eric James Hiltner.

What a name. The Edward James Almost of Hiltners. At E-J-H. Just call him Edward James Hiltner. What a name. The Edward James Almost of Hiltners. At EJH. Just call him Edward James Almost. Almost. Yeah, why not?

At EJH underscore I almost got it right. 3K. You almost got it right. Grieving Deborah Parsons will have her mom Doreen for Christmas dinner this year

by scattering her ashes on the turkey. Grieving Deborah Parsons sounds like a like a rom-com. That's a huge indie. Yeah. Sundance 2021.

They met at a funeral. Pieces of April. Katie Holmes? Yes. From the people who brought you Nebraska, it's Grieving Debra Parsons. We'll have her mom dream for Christmas dinner this year by scattering her ashes on the turkey and then tucking in. And for dessert, she'll enjoy Christmas pudding

with a dusting of her mom's last remains as well. Okay, first of all, did the mother want this? Because it sounds like... That's a great question. I kept wondering. Yeah, yeah. I want you to consume me post-death. Yeah, I mean, that is...

It is a very primal thing, right? get it i i don't i don't crave it personally but i i can see how the brain could actually want that in a real we'll get there deborah it's 41 has felt the urge to eat doreen's ashes since she died in may and has had a small spoonful most days to quote feel as feel as close as possible to her. This is a TLC show. What was that? A Spoonful of Mother Makes the Medicine go down? Yes, that's exactly what it was. No, that's it.

Eating her won't take away your pain, sweetheart. By the way, I'm going to say that she dreamed of eating her mother's ashes before her mother died. This is dated way back. As she faces Christmas without her, the craving becomes even stronger. Quote,

it's the only thing that will get me through my first Christmas without my mom, says Debra. People might think I'm mad or that it's not a very respectful thing to do, but I just can't stop myself. So she's not arguing with anybody who says you shouldn't be doing it.

She's like, I just can't stop. I can't stop. I just can't stop myself is, that is an admission of addiction. Yeah. Like, you should be able to stop yourself from everything. But then she spins it. What are you going to say, Randall?

Well, John, what were you going to say? Well, I was just going to say this, like, what is the thing about this story that's any different from what's her face? Chandelier head? Chandelier girl. You know what I mean? It's like if we knew her sexual practices with the chandeliers, if it was like, you know, and every night I, you know. Numped the, yeah. Every night I.

Then maybe we'd be like, okay, okay. But this, because this involves like the eating of the ashes. The consuming of another human being. But I think this actually might be just another thing where it's like, do what you got to do. I know, but part of it, but I feel like,

it never works. But would your mom be like, yeah, do it? Because I, if I, if my energy exists beyond this body form,

I'd be like, please guys, don't eat my ashes. Please don't eat my ashes. Does it taste good? It can't taste good. No. A little chalky.

You'd be surprised. A little chalky. Really? You'd be surprised. Okay. I've never tried it. So I'm like, literally asking, does it taste good? If it does not taste good, Good. No. A little chalky. You'd be surprised. A little chalky. Really? You'd be surprised. Okay. I've never tried it, so I'm literally asking, does it taste good? If it does not taste good, yes, you have to sprinkle it over turkey and whatnot.

Deborah says, quote, I see it as a positive thing. Hang on a second. Why is someone in England celebrating Thanksgiving? Oh, is it Christmas Day? Yes. It's Christmas. I thought it was Thanksgiving. She says, quote, I see it as a positive thing, allowing her to be close to me and also involving her in the family day.

There's a million ways to do that. Put the urn on the table. Call it a day. Do a toast. I feel like she can clink with the urn and there you go. I feel like she can live on by being inside of me because she's a part of me and she can breathe through my body. My breath is her breath. You're her daughter.

She's already living on through you. Yeah, that is so hot. Oh, my God. In an edible way, that's hot. you're her daughter she's already living on through yeah that is so hot oh my god in an edible way that's quote it'll be my first christmas without her and i want her to be involved and this is the only way that feels right to me i i'd say take a poll like ask around ask your friends like what are some other ways this might feel right leftover mom on boxing day that's true i'm gonna show you guys a picture of her did you put put that leftover mom in the... Her expression is more like, what the fuck do you want? She's eating the ashes.

She's mixing it in. What is that, a cup with ashes? Like a little dish that she's poured some of her mom's ashes into. It's like a mise en place dish. This kind of picture, though, is like she got a chunk of change for this article. Yeah. Definitely. Look at her expression.

Her expression is like, what? Yeah. What? Excuse me. By the way, she does have, what is she, this Yorkshire pudding right there. Oh, yeah, she's got it all. So it's like a traditional English Christmas. Is that pudding, is that like the one that's made out of?

Bread, so it's fat. It's really good. It's the fat from the turkey. It's so good. It is so good. Oh, my God. Salty pudding. Amazing. Is it savory? It's bread. It's like puffed up bread. So it's fat. It's the fat from the turkey. It's so good. It is so good. My mom makes salty pudding. Is it savory? It's bread.

It's like puffed up bread. It's like a puffed up, like a beautiful roll. It's gorgeous. So to speak. But it's a little eggy too. Let's all talk about food for Kate who's starving right now.

She's fading away. Like a Dutchman. I've literally only had a tangerine. What? And like two inches of coffee. What? Are we going to get job after this? After the funeral and cremation,

Debra began to think what she would do with Doreen's ashes, but rejected the traditional idea of scattering them at a beauty spot that her mom loved. So she knows somewhere her mom would love to have this. Honor her wishes. That's the best way to do it. This is making me so sad. I know. It wasn't something I ever thought about, she said. Give some placebo ashes to her. to have honor her wishes that's the best way to that's the best this is making me so sad i'm like

it wasn't something i ever thought about she said give some placebo ashes to her here you go i decided i want to do something with her ashes that would make a difference in how we would remember her i just don't want to scatter her because that'd feel like throwing her away you know i've heard about there's a jeweler here in la who makes jewelry from loved ones bones oh really and my mother was at a dinner party and was like admiring this woman's necklace and was like, Netflix. I'm having a stroke.

You have some great laser nails. Your cue is... And I love what Netflix is suggesting for you. Yeah. It says so many great things. I'm sorry. You recently watched? Just half.

Just really admiring your necklace. There's so many great things. I'm sorry. You recently watched? Just half. Just really admiring your necklace. But she was admiring the necklace. And this woman was like, it's my mother's collarbone. What? Wait, but what was the collarbone? They take the bones and either gold plate the bones or something. And then it's like a chunky piece of jewelry.

That is a statement necklace. I mean, I definitely get it. And then it's like a chunky piece of jewelry. That is a statement necklace. I mean, I definitely get it. And it is weird. That would have been a totally acceptable thing. I would wear your bones. That's like the most beautiful thing. By the way, I would absolutely wear your bones.

But my fear is just like losing the jewelry. I know, because I do that shit all the time. Me on a plane from Milan to JFK. I left John in the hotel bidet. Oh, God. So she didn't want to throw her mom away. I would love to find out that all the chunky jewelry at Chico's is just people's dead bones.

Women who used to shop here five years ago. Yeah, it's just now we've got them all. Got them all. Two months later, one of Debra's two sisters, who are, not were, are unaware of her unorthodox ritual, delivered her share of the ashes to her home. At first, I kept them in a plastic sandwich bag. That's also not cool. No.

Yeah. That seems way too casual. Well, for someone who's so desperate to try and do something meaningful with their mother's ashes, to keep it in a Ziploc bag. Ziploc bag. What I put in a Ziploc bag is when I make mac and cheese at the house and there's leftover powdered cheese from on top, I put that in a Ziploc bag. I don't put someone's, a human being doesn't go into a sandwich bag.

Well, is it traditional top or is it the? The actual zip top. Yep. Zip top plastic bags. Because that I trust. I mean, you always trust the tab. You can put pasta sauce

in a Ziploc and turn it upside down and then clip it. You can throw it around the house. Nothing's going to happen to that. Imagine these sisters. She's like, did you read that article

about me yet? No, I haven't. Why? Just go check it out. Just check it out. Just wondering. Call me after you check it out. I love that we were giving her

a southern accent. Why not? Then I got a little box from them. I'm an expatriate. Just check it out. Just wondering. Call me after you check it out. I love that we were giving her a southern accent. Why not? Then I got a little box from them. I'm an expatriate. I live in London. So I can have them on display. It don't matter what I did. Oh, what?

I can't be from Georgia and live in London? Why? Get that feeling of closeness. I like just the feeling of soot. It's so fun out here. All right. But one day, when she was missing her mom more than usual, Debra had a moment of inspiration.

That's one way to put it. A spoonful every day. I don't know what made me do it the first time. It was just an urge. I can't describe it. Then all they wrote in the next line of this article, salty. Then they wrote another line. What?

I opened the box and licked my fingers and just dipped them into the powder. Before I knew what I was doing, they were in my mouth, and the chalky, salty taste was comforting. I'm sorry if anybody's eating lunch while listening to this or wanting to eat lunch like Kate and listening to it. Chalky salty taste. The hunger's still there, folks. I felt confused.

I just imagined like bits of her mom around her mouth. But it gave me solace. A little bit of your mom's. Each day the urge became harder and harder to resist.

As Christmas nears, she's planning to take her secret to the next level. Not a secret anymore. No. She added, I've been having a little taste most days,

sometimes a finger on a spoon. You just take the... On my finger on a anymore. She added, I've been having a little taste most days, sometimes a finger on a spoon. You just take things. On my finger on a spoon. On Christmas gets closer, I feel the urge even more. Christmas is a special

time of year and I want to be close to the ones you love. I get a finger and a spoon in there. It's terrible. But I'd like my mom to be a part of the celebration

this year, so I'll have her with my Christmas dinner. We will have a place laid for her and a picture of her on the table so she can be with us on that very special day. Stop there. Yeah, that's enough. Here's what I would suggest as a compromise. Sprinkle a little

bit, like truly just a little bit in the champagne. There you go. A little bubbly. A little bubbly. A little Christmas champagne. Or snort like a little of your mom with some Coke. Yeah, that happens. Like a little, yeah. Or snort like a little of your mom with some Coke. Yeah, that happens. Like a little, yeah. Cut her with some

cheese powder. With the cheese powder from my mac and cheese and a little bit of your mom. Just a little bit of Molly. Just a tiny little bit. You're going to be seeing your mom. You're going to have a great night. You're going to have a great night. You're going to connect with your mom in a way that... You can't do this. I'm sorry. I would actually be on board with this for this woman if she was an only

child see that's why i'm i'm an only child and i'm kind of like i get it you get it yeah but with two sisters who don't know you're doing this you got to get the sign off from them before you start eating your mom you got to get like a good little for life even just like a like a group like a group text chain hey i'm doing this if i don't hear back from you, I'm doing this. And then if you don't respond, then it's kind of on you. I'm going to eat mom. But like, you know, you got to jump in on this text chain or I'm going to send an email to the three of us. You know, she didn't do that.

No. It's a surprise to them. She definitely has the text. Well, you didn't want to keep her ashes like in the chamber. She's ready to go. Like ready to go like ready to fire that one i'm the one who da da da we'll get out of here on this deborah's fiancee who we have agreed not to name okay has supported her through her grief and they plan to marry next

year i'm lucky that my loved ones understand what i'm doing not your sisters because you haven't told them said deborah and i know my mom would have been happy for me to do whatever I needed to get over no longer having her in my life. I mean, everything? That's a little bit everything. Yeah. I just realized I have an amazing way to bring this all full circle. Let's do it. Please.

So when my house burned down. Oh, God. Me, me, me, me, me. My house burned down. But I have. Me, me, me, me, me. My house burned down. But I have never realized how funny this story is. This woman, this sweet woman from my church, took me out to buy. She took me and my sister out separately

to buy gifts for people in the family. To replace the Christmas tree. Super cool. So sweet. And I bought my mom. This is insane. Because she was reading this at the time tree. Super cool. So sweet. And I bought my mom. This is insane. Because she was reading this at the time the house burned down.

I bought my mom that book, Angela's Ashes. No! And I was like eight years old. That'll make anybody feel better. And I remember there being some level of like, this is hilarious. Our house has burned down. You're buying me Angela's Ashes.

And I never understood how funny it was me my mom also read angel angel's ashes was huge on my mother's nightstand for so long yes oh my god our mom had that and clan of the cave bear yeah that was the other book i don't know that old i remember yeah frank mccourt's appearance on Oprah. That show was so good. Oh, right. Because was that one of the first Oprah book club shows? Yes, I think it was. And the Poisonous Bible by Barbara Kingsolver.

Yes. Also, Barbarians at the Gate. Yes. The Bonfire of the Vanity. You guys are high. My mom, it was just Danielle Steele novels. Yeah. That was like all throughout.

A Barbara Kingsolver novel is like, here I am. I'm in New Mexico. I'm in love with this Indian man throughout the book. A Barbara Kingsolver novel is like, here I am. I'm in New Mexico. I'm in love with this Indian man from the reservation. And he's showing me places in my town that I've never seen before. Let's be in this Pueblo in this home that's made up. Let's be in this Pueblo together, all of us, guys. Can we be in this? You can't burn this Pueblo down.

No. It's made of adobe. That is amazing. That's an amazing story. Isn't that crazy? That is crazy. I love that. And I never realized

it was funny until now I should talk to her and be like did you guys think it was so funny yeah did you know

that that was the moment I was going to go into comedy no not you did you know at that moment that Randy was going to go into comedy yes

when you bought Angela's house no when he told this story now I've made the decision to go into comedy I think you guys should both go into comedy I'm not just saying that. I don't know.

Just based on what you guys did in here today. Really? Think about it and you don't have to. Either go into comedy or go to Nozawa. Okay. Guys. All right. We have one more little special thing here before we get out of here.

We have a voicemail. I mean, I do think I am a lover of like sort of the chaotic. Me too. And you are. You love a good chaos theory. I've always said there's actually a pattern. I can't hear you. Can you speak up just a little bit?

I can't. What? There's actually a mechanism even behind chaos. People, you can hear people looking at their phone. It's too loud. Can you tone it down? Yeah, if we can take it back at their phone. It's too loud. Can you tone it down? Yeah, just if we can take it back just a notch.

Chaos is a ladder. You think there's a mechanism behind chaos? A mechanism behind chaos? I think that even where we don't see design, that chaos is in itself design. So wait,

so you're saying that chaos itself is a structure? We're over here trying to talk and you guys could just I'm just trying to understand that there's a structure I know, but we're trying to have our own conversation chaos itself is a structure? Shh, shh, shh. We're over here trying to talk, and you guys could just... I'm just trying to understand. I know, but we're trying to have our own conversation.

I understand. There's a structure behind the chaos. Yeah, exactly. Is that a chaotic structure? Just a little bit lower. It's a chaotic structure. Just a structure. Would you call it a chaotic structure, even though there's...

I would, and I have in my book. Okay. What was your book called? Why Now? Okay. Pick up the book, Why Now? Why Not? up the book Why Now? Why Not? Along with Angela's Ashes.

Along with Angela's Ashes. Clan of the Cave Bear. Clan of the Cave Bear, Bonfire of the Vanities, all that stuff. No, but I do like a good, and we received a chaotic voicemail recently from Chris Christopherson, which for him, again, is like normal. This is everyday life for him. That's his baseline. And we wanted to play that.

We'll play that right now. Great. You have one new voice message. Hey, boys. It's me, Chris Kershafferson. And, you know, I've been listening to your little radio show that you do on my phone, my phone radio. And I think, like, I have a story for you

that I think would be very perfect for your show about a dumb person just doing some dumb stuff. So the story goes like this. The year is 1975, and a young man by the name of Chris Christopherson has decided to go down to Mexico to find Jesus. Well, this man, not me, Chris Christopherson, but the person from the story, Chris Christopherson, has decided to go into a large church to find Jesus. But I'll tell you what he did find was a large shipment of bananas.

was a large shipment of bananas. And these bananas had been eaten because an alligator had gotten loose from a zoo, and that alligator's name was Chris Christopherson. And so when the alligator, Chris Christopherson, ate all those banana peels, all those bananas, the peels went everywhere, and then the person from the story, Chris Christopherson, walked into that church,

and he slipped and he fell on about 100 different banana peels. The man from the story, Chris Christopherson, fell on the banana peels that the crocodile, Chris Christopherson, had eaten. And that's me, Chris Christopherson, telling you this story for your show. You're welcome. All right, I got to get back to knitting this sweater that I'm making for my dog. Wait a second. There's actually nothing chaotic about that one. No, it seemed to follow suit.

It made a lot of sense. It always makes a lot of sense. Guys, thank you for coming on and doing the show. It was so fun. A lot of laughs. What a joy. You revealed so much, John. Oh, yeah.

I now know so much about you. And Peter, too, with her fires. Thank you. And I'm an only child. An only child who lit fires in stairways. That's just, oh, my God. In New York. Boom.

That's, I think, why we were so drawn to each other. Can I have a new name for your book, your cast book? Yeah. The Stairway Arsonist. That's good. The Rooftop Arsonist or the Stairwell Arsonist? Right after I said, why now? I thought, Daddy bought a Roomba.

I want to start doing Roomba erotic fan fiction. Erotic fan fiction? Like, the Roomba erotic fan fiction. Roomba? Erotic fan fiction? Like the Roomba came in. Yeah, and you're like, and then it gets up on the bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It rolls up the side.

You let it happen. What's it doing? What's it doing? Just let it do it. And the woman says to the Roomba, or the man says to the Roomba, I think you missed a spot. And that's when it all goes.

It's self-docking. You can get in all the corners, even though it's round. See you in the next go-round. It's digitally mapping the terrain. Daddy bought a Roomba. Caperland, John Early. Again, for our fans,

go check out their Netflix character. Thank you. Their character specials are great. And then go to Vimeo. Check out 555. Honey, go to Vimeo. Check out 555. Honey, go to Vimeo. For dollars. Honey.

And your Tonight Show spot. Oh, yeah. It's so funny. Oh, my God. It's so good. And Pieces of April is available for streaming. Pieces of April

available on LaserDisc. I'm streaming it straight from a LaserDisc. You have to call Oliver Platt and he will send you a copy. I do want to watch it. I've never seen Pieces of April. I've seen it. I've seen it.

I've seen it. Five easy pieces of April. All right, guys, that's it. And shit, we got to get back to work. Good night. Bye, guys. Thanks.