Fairy Tale Fix - 44: The Story Is Not Yet Finished

Episode Date: May 24, 2022

In this very special episode, Kelsey reads Prince Loaf as written by Ruth Manning-Sanders and Abbie reads a fairy tale written by one of our very own listeners and Patrons–Sarah! Enjoy listening to our newest favorite fairy tale of all time, Abbie and Kelsey and The Boss Ass Dragon.

That's why he's called Prince Loaf because he tried to make him into bread, grinding his bones. Right. And then it's a play on words because he's also a loafer. Yeah. I love it. Okay. I love it. I love your face. Oh my goodness. Hello, Kelsey. I love your face so much. I love your face. Every time I get to see it, it fills me with joy.

Right back at you. Thank you. We are here, in case you are unaware somehow, to do Fairy Tale Fix, which is our podcast. Yeah, where we read fairy tales to each other with commentary so much commentary so don't it's not for kids we curse a lot and it is for adults and gay people i I'm Kelsey. I'm Abby. Did we already say that?

I can't remember. No, I called you by name and then you called me nothing. You just said you liked me, which is good. I'm really good at introductions, as you can tell. So are we. So am I. I'm so excited to be recording this because we have postponed this episode at least like twice, maybe three times. Yeah, I know. We almost postponed it today, but we're going to get through it. Y'all, we're tired. Life stuff just kept happening. While we're, I guess,

sort of on that subject, Kelsey and I have a little announcement. We have been doing this podcast for about a year and a half at this point. Yep, nonstop, baby. It has been the highlight of the past couple of years. It's been amazing. It's been a thrill. We've had a really good time. We are taking a little break. Yeah, we are going on summer vacation.

Hell yes. It's vacation time like you ever wanted. Yeah, so it's not going to be long, so don't panic. Hell yes. Vacation all I ever wanted. Yeah. So we're it's not going to be long. So don't panic. The show is definitely not going away. We are taking a quick break.

We're going to be not releasing new episodes in June or July. Instead, we will be releasing a couple of our favorite Patreon bonus episodes. And I'm so excited for everybody to hear some of the most batshit crazy fairy tales that we've read so far. They always end up being on our Patreon. Yeah, I mean, no joke. They always end up being some of our favorite episodes. They are completely bonkers. So we're going to be releasing our two favorites. You will be hearing

John and His Brothers, Roland, because we referenced that one so much. Also known as Sweetheart Roland. Sweetheart Roland, neither of which is an appropriate title for that story.

But for those of you who don't subscribe to our Patreon, we felt it was a little unfair to keep referencing a story that you were never going to hear. I'm so excited for everyone to be able to hear Roland and why it's just the worst fairy tale. It's just why is it called Roland? I need everyone to listen to this. Yeah. We're also the other episode we're releasing features Doppelgrim, which is a Norse fairy tale and Fletcher's Bird. And Doppelgrim is one of my personal favorites. Doppelgrim is so fun. I'm going to avoid any spoilers, but it made me cry laugh so hard.

It was a bunker story. I almost never remember what happens in Fletcher's Bird because you told me that story after I read Dappelgram. And I just, I think Dappelgram just got in my head and I couldn't think about anything else. Well, you can re-listen to the episode to remember what a Fletcher's Bird is. And patrons, don't worry. We are releasing our bonus episode in June, I think. Yes. Our June bonus episode will be coming out as regularly as scheduled. So don't worry, you'll still be getting that piece of content. And then for the main feed, it'll be one bonus episode release in June and then another bonus episode in July. And then we will resume our two episode a month fresh episodes in August. Yeah, and we have some really exciting fairy tales planned and some really fun guests that

are going to come on. So yeah, absolutely. Just taking a little time to refresh and recharge. And then we will be back better than ever in the fall. And we are so proud and so thankful to have like formed this community with all of you over the past year and a half. This has been one of the most rewarding things that I've ever done. Certainly. Yeah, it's so much fun. And it's bananas to me that anybody listens. So thank you. It's weird, we have to make an announcement warning people we're not going to be putting on new episodes because my first thought was like, oh, does anybody care? But you do.

And we love you. That's announcement time. I know Abby did something really fun this weekend and I want to hear all about it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I did something super fun this weekend that I've been wanting. I've been dying to tell Kelsey and by extension, all of you about uh it happened yes it no two days ago friday so i went to new york on friday this is a sunday by the way that we're recording this uh i went to

new york on friday and i saw a show called sleep no more which is macb, but make it interpretive dance. I love it so much. Oh my gosh. It was a wild ass experience. So basically the whole show, the production company bought out the McKittrick Hotel in Chelsea, which is a neighborhood in New York, if you don't know. in Chelsea, which is a neighborhood in New York, if you don't know. Uh, and it's a, so it's a,

this massive 1920s hotel. Mm-hmm. And they, they just, they just bulldozed several floors to make room for these huge sets. These like really impressive sets. So they actually, they have like a forest in there,

like a spooky forest. And they have an, an like a forest in there, like a spooky forest. And they have an insane asylum set in there. And they have a misty cemetery with lots of crying angels in there. And then they also have like a bunch, they have an entire like little village in there, like a village square set, set up in there. And then like this giant ballroom,

uh, down in the basement. It, it is, it was like just, just production value alone. It was fucking crazy. Ah,

that sounds amazing. That sounds so cool. It was really cool. And like the, the general premise is that you follow like every character in the play has their loop that they do and they do their loop three times. So it's kind of like watching like a time loop movie. And so you pick a character to follow and then you follow them through the hotel while they do their loop and then interact with other characters and then separate and then go do something else that's on their sort of general plot line.

Did you just follow one character? You're supposed to pick one per loop. Okay. Or alternatively, you can sit, you can pick a room and just sit in that room and see who comes in and out of that room, which is what I did for my final loop because I was so tired.

Yeah. No, so I followed Macbeth for the first loop, obviously, because he is the main character. And it was just so cool. Like the dancing was incredible. All of these actors slash dancers were so strong because they were literally picking each other up and hurling them into things really dramatically. Oh, my gosh and you know and so like in mc in mcbeth um for those of you who who aren't familiar like uh mcbeth the is like a a thane in scotland he's

like a scottish lord and he encounters these witches who prophesize that he will become king of scotland and then he basically self-fulfilling prophecies his way into becoming king of Scotland by assassinating the current king all prompted by his very like cunning and ambitious wife and like so the so the scene with the witches in this show was like a fucking crazy strobe light orgy hell yes of course oh my god Kelsey I wish you'd been there like I think I think you would genuinely have loved that part so much well I we I had like an English project where we had to do like sort of like a film and it was Macbeth so and Caroline was in this Caroline's one of our good friends and patrons shout out to Caroline we love you, Caroline. And she'll love this. It was so cool. We decided to do the witch scene as like a 70s trip, like a drug trip. And it was so bad. We

had like a tie dye blanket in the background and we just took the camera and kept spinning it. That is... Like he was on a bad drug trip instead. So yeah, I particularly remember that part of the book and i just loved it so that sounds like so much fun i mean it's one of the best parts of the play is any scene any scene involving the witches there's like yeah because witches are just the best witches are the best it was just it was a wild experience um speaking of patrons i actually went with one of our one of our other friends and patrons elizabeth i love you elizabeth oh hi elizabeth is so awesome elizabeth uh elizabeth followed one of the witches for a loop and she was on that woman's ass yeah that's what

i would have done i would have gone with you elizabeth I was wondering what characters you followed. I did Macbeth for the first loop. My second loop, I just wandered the set because it was so cool and they actually encourage you to interact with all of it. So you're supposed to go through drawers and open books and

I found everybody's office and so I went through all of their correspondence and the the letter, the characters have written letters to each other that help you piece together the larger plot. That sounds like it could be just an all day thing. How long were you there for? It's a three hour show.

You honestly, you can go probably 12 times and still not see everything in the show. Cause also if like, there are times like if you're lucky enough to like catch an actor alone because like you're you're with all the other people who bought tickets following people yeah so if you catch an actor alone by any chance then they'll usually do like a one-on-one scene with you oh i love it yeah and there's no dialogue there's no dialogue so it's all dancing um and and so like i i read that there's this one scene

where you follow a witch and you catch her alone she'll haul you into a secret room and dance with you and then shove you into a cupboard and lock you in there that's what i want did that happen to elizabeth no no um that's the my my i have two i have have two major complaints about this show. One of them is they let way too many people in there. Yeah. It sounds so amazing. I could imagine it would be crazy popular. And maybe it was just like we went on like a Friday night at 7.30. That was the show time that we picked. So it was crazy busy. It was actually really like, one of the reasons I did the second loop as just wandering around, like looking at the set was because by then the crowd had gotten so big that like I was

trying to follow Lady Macbeth for the second loop. And the crowd was so big following her that it took a minute to clear the staircases. So by the time I got to where she had been, she had already moved on. Yeah. Like, so, you know, so I gave up on following her. I think if we, I think like if I ever go again, I would go, I would go like on a Tuesday or something when there's just like people. Yeah, that makes sense. I would go. Oh shit, that sounds like so much fun i would absolutely go again um i would have because it's also it's so eerie and it's so spooky and they it's honestly like being in a haunted house because they make you they make you like you have to wear like a k95 like

mask over your mouth and nose but they also give you like a phantom of the opera half mask that's just this pale white mask so that when you are walking around with the other people who have come to see the show they all they look like ghosts to you you all are just anonymous ghosts wandering the hotel that kind of takes

care of the whole vibe and keeping it exactly yeah so smart exactly it's really spooky especially because like i was pretty much alone wandering the insane asylum because all of the main characters were elsewhere so the crowds were following them and so like i would be wandering through like a really creepy insane asylum set like a 1920s one where like they actually like fucking tortured people yeah and and then someone else would round the corner and

it's genuinely really eerie and super creepy because you're also you've been instructed not to talk um so you just pass each other by as like two silent creepy ghosts in the it's it was a really fun experience the other thing against it is like I would not recommend this to anybody that has a mobility challenge. Mm-hmm. Because you are like, I like following Macbeth, he runs up and down several flights of stairs. Yeah. At various points during his loop. So you and you have to keep up with him to be able to watch what he's doing.

So you have to you have to be able to run up and down stairs. Yeah. It sounds like a haunted house. It's exactly a haunted house with some crazy dancing and some like witch orgies. Amazing. And it's very loosely based on Macbeth. That sounds very fun to me. It was so fun.

I would absolutely go see it again. 100%. Because I would do, I would follow other people. Did you do anything else while you were in New York? Kind of. I, like this,

God, this is going to mean nothing to you. But, but if someone, if someone else is also a star trek discovery nerd i bumped into wilson cruz in the cocktail bar of my hotel where i was staying nice i don't know who that is but i'm gonna say i am gonna find you a picture of this man because he is cute as fuck and he plays one of my favorite characters on star trek discovery uh he plays

the he plays the doctor on the ship oh i see him i googled it he is so fucking cute and then like he's also he his character is married to anthony rapp's character so they're also like the they're also like one of the first like canon out gay couples uh in entire history of Star Trek at all. And he, we, I, I saw him in the cocktail lounge of my hotel and I was trying really hard to be cool.

I was just like, Oh my God, that's Wilson Cruz over there, but I'm not going to say anything. I'm going to leave him alone. Yeah. And, and I was eating a bag of chips cause I was really hungry cause I'd forgotten

to eat that day. It was after the show was over. And he actually approached me and told me. He was like, I think it's so cool how you're just in here eating a bag of chips. Like, you do you, girl. That's so funny. Did you mention that you're a fan? Yeah, because he held his hand out and said, like, hi, I'm Wilson.

And I was like, I know. Do you think you saw that you recognized him and were like... I was trying not to look at him. Yeah. I wonder if he was like, I bet she's a Star Trek fan. Maybe. Because I think I was doing a

bad job of not staring at him because I was like, oh my God, it's Wilson Cruz. He's right over there. That's so cute. Oh, I love that he came up and talked to you. How exciting. Yeah, he was adorable. He took some of my potato chips.

Nice. He hugged me. It was really sweet. Aw. He's a very nice man. And it's the first time I've ever met a celebrity ever. first time I've ever met like a it's the first time I've ever met like a celebrity ever um I've heard that happens in New York and I uh experienced it firsthand for the very first time it was very cool it's like that wasn't your first time in New York was it my second time yeah yeah the first

time the first time I did like Times Square but he was he was out on the town with his friends for the night um and the hotel where I was staying has a pretty famous like rooftop bar. Nice. Situation. So that's where he was. Well, how fun. I'm so excited for you. That's awesome.

It was the best. Thank you. I had a really good trip. Sorry, I gushed a really long time about that. Was that something – was there something you wanted to talk about? Like how are you doing? I'm great. I'm totally good. No, that was was awesome that sounds like so much fun it was really fun oh i'm so excited you got to be a star

trek character or you know actor oh my god it's the cutest it's the dream i want to collect them all i want to meet them all because they all seem like really lovely, like really lovely people. Anyway. That's fun. I love it. All right. Well, I guess I will say I did have a pretty exciting weekend last weekend. I got to go to a mermaid bar in Sacramento. That's right. It's not nearly as exciting as New York. And the bar was actually just okay. It's funny because like on their website, they have like a, you know, they're like dressed to impress and they don't allow you to wear hoodies or sportswear. So, um, I went for Caroline's birthday and we like both got dressed up and went and it was just like the most like casual bar. I, um, I asked the bartender if he could make a French 75 and he was like, we're not like, he's like,

I could look it up. And then he did. And he's like, yeah, we don't have champagne. We're not that fancy. And I'm like, okay, okay.

That's fine. So the draw is really like the mermaids, like nothing else was mermaid themed. They didn't have a themed cocktail list. Like the bathrooms were just really plain and there was, And there was no mermaid or ocean theme anywhere else. It was just the tank over the bar. Wow. So there's this big saltwater tank above a bar.

And they have fish in there and everything, which was really cool. And then mermaids come out for a half-hour show where they just swim around and do cute stuff. I have a video on my Instagram of a mermaid um, blew a kiss at us. It was a really cute, but that was pretty much the draw. Everything else about it was very, uh, it was okay. Yeah. I, that surprises me that they don't do more with that theme. As someone in marketing, that made me a little crazy. I might have gotten a little bit more upset than I should have because I was just like, how are they not capitalizing on this? This is so cool. You could be doing so much better in the smallest ways. Like just have a mermaid themed cocktail list.

Call it like the tail splash or I don't know. It is just really weird. Absolutely. You could have like an entire line of like a mermaid themed rum drinks. Or I don't know, put up some decorations in the bathroom. I guess maybe it's not in the best spot in Sacramento. So maybe they get vandalized if people, I don't know. Anyway.

I mean, but if that's the case, then having like a giant saltwater tank over the bar would be dangerous and expensive to like replace or repair if they get vandalized. Because I mean, if I'm a vandal, the first thing I want to do is smash the saltwater tank. Yeah, it was super weird. But I loved the mermaid. She was so fucking cute. I loved her. I may have gotten a little, like, drunk and kept screaming, you're so hot. Even though I know she can't hear me because she's literally like in a saltwater tank,

but I was just so excited. She was so cute. It was really fun. The kiss that she blew you was very cute and like just super, super adorable. And she is. She is really hot. Yeah. Like watching her swim in that table, in in that tank was very like wow yeah if you guys want to check them out they are on tiktok that's

how i discovered that sacramento even had a mermaid bar i think it's like mermaids of the dive bar it's just called the dive bar which is really cute but it's kind of disappointing that it turned out that you know aside from the mermaids, it is just kind of a dive bar. Yeah, it really is. I mean, the bartenders were all super nice and really cute. I loved them all. They were just the sweetest.

They should make them dress up like pirates. I know, right? Well, they were just wearing like all black. It seemed like it was a nice bar, but it kind of wasn't, which I like and I didn't. I kind of expected it to be nicer because they had like such a weird dress code on their website. And then when we got there, it was really casual. And like, so I felt very comfortable, but it was, I don't know. It was just, it was really weird. So if the owners of the Dye Bar are listening to this podcast, I have a few marketing suggestions for you. Feel free to email me and I will help you make your bar more popular.

I promise. You know what? I think that's exactly the niche for you. You should just start doing – you should be like a bar marketing consultant. I don't know about that, but I do love bars. You'd be so good at it though, of helping people discover their niche. Oh, my dream is to open a pirate themed bar. I really want to do that. I feel like that would be so much fun. I want that for you. Me too. Anyway.

So I think we are ready to tell some stories. Yes, it's time. It's definitely time. Let's get to it. I'm really excited because I actually, so I'm not doing a total randomized reading. I picked, I took a page out of your book and I picked three stories that I want you to choose based on the name. Oh God, I'm so excited. You might have read some of these and if that's the case, I would like you to let me know.

Okay. So I want you to choose between Prince Loaf, Stan Bolivin, or Lazy Hans. And I chose these three because they all sounded really boring. They do sound really boring. I'm not interested in any of them. Yeah, exactly. Whenever it's like someone's name, I feel like we never expect the story to be good, but it usually is. And these are all Ruth Manning Sanders stories.

Of course. Yeah. And I mean, the thing is, I remember looking at the titles. Yeah. I recognize all three of those titles and my eyes glossed right over them. Yes. That's why I chose them. Perfect. I love it. Tell me Prince Loaf. Okay. Well, I'm really excited to tell you that one. And it is from a book of giants. Excellent. So that's the only hint you get, although I am going to be reading it from

A Choice of Magic. Good choice. Oh, and I have also not read it. So this is, that's how it's also randomized. I have no idea what the story is about. And I never probably, I probably never would have chosen Prince Loaf. That sounds. I'm honestly curious. I don't know what that means. Is that his name? We'll find out, won't we? Oh, I guess I will let you know. It's from Romania. his name we'll find out won't we oh i guess i will let you know it's from romania romania so prince loaf my prediction is that prince loaf is actually a i can't decide if i want loaf to mean bread or if i want loaf to mean like he loafs about like a lazy person but there's oh maybe that's a really good point

yeah god which which one which one okay no you know what i'm doing it um prince loaf is a peasant baker i love that he's a loaf of bread the protagonist is an actual loaf of bread or becomes a loaf of bread at some point i remember it's from a book of giants that that that doesn't tell i feel like that never tells us anything oh yeah um there's a giant in it probably maybe probably thank you for that reminder um i got really distracted by loaf prince loaf prince loaf is going to defeat the giant by being lazy and And the giant will be a lady giant. This is my prediction. Nice.

Okay. So Prince loaf is a peasant baker. He defeats the giant by being lazy and the giant will be a lady giant. I love it. All right. I'm going to predict that I'm going to go the opposite. I think I like what you said about Prince Loaf being like a loaf like he's lazy. Okay, cool.

And I want to predict – I always want the giants and the people to be friends, so I'm going to predict they become friends. Great. Excellent. I don't actually think that's going to happen at all, but that's what I want. Not at all. The giant's going to predict they become friends. Great. Excellent. I don't actually think that's going to happen at all but that's what I want. Not at all. The giant's going to try to eat him. Yeah. Oh, okay. Actually, can I predict that they become

friends but can I also predict that the giant tries to turn the prince into a loaf of bread? Yes. Okay. You should absolutely predict that. Alright. And without further ado, Okay. You should absolutely predict that. All right. And without further ado, Prince Loaf. Once upon a time, there was an orphan boy who looked after the king's sheep.

He slept where he could and ate what he could, and his bed was hard and his food was scanty. Nobody thought anything of him at all, except the king's young daughter, who had the kindest heart in all the world. And she, when she walked in her father's fields and passed the place where the shepherd boy was, she would smile and say, how are the sheep today, shepherd? All is well with them, your royal highness, he would answer. And that is all he ever said to her. That's very Princess it's very like oh my god it's it's such an as you wish right but she was to him as the morning star that wakes the singing birds before dawn and he loved her dearly that's really sweet i know it's so cute now one summer evening when he was lying on the grass beside the sheep, thinking to sleep there, as the night was warm, he heard the sound of someone crying.

It was a very big sound and a very mournful one, like the wind sobbing among forest trees. But it was certainly someone crying. Almost the boy thought he could hear the tears falling. tears falling. He got up and searched about, and the sound of crying led him to the edge of a forest. And there under a tree lay a giant with the tears rolling down his face. Damn it!

Maybe there will be another giant. Maybe. The boy was very frightened and started to run away. But the giant called after him. Don't run away! I won't hurt you. But I am in such terrible pain from a wound in my foot. I can't walk. I can't even you. But I am in such terrible pain from a wound in my foot. I can't walk.

I can't even stand. And if you won't help me, I must lie here and die. Oh, my God. Is this going to be like a mouse pulling the thorn out of a lion's paw situation? Is this how they become friends? It has a promising start. Very. The boy thought it was rather babyish of the giant to cry like that. Wow.

Judgmental. Oh, geez. Okay. But he remembered having heard that giants have childish minds. So he came back and looked at the giant's foot, which was two yards long. And there, stuck on the underside of it, was the broken head of a pitchfork. Aww. No wonder you couldn't walk, said he. And he pulled the

pitchfork out of the giant's foot and fetched water in his drinking can and washed away the blood and took off his shirt and bound up the foot. That's sweet. See if you can walk now. The giant got up and found that he could walk, though a bit lamely. And he grinned all over his kind stupid face and said, Come with me and I will reward you. The giants are having a feast tonight and i was on my way there oh you shall see some fun i can promise you though of course my brothers might take it into their heads to eat you then i won't come said the boy stop good boundaries yeah

boundaries are important we've talked about this before. Stop a bit, said the giant. Stop a bit. Let me think. I know. I'll make you invisible. Here, take this little belt and put it around your waist. The boy took the belt and put it around his waist, and he became invisible.

He couldn't even see his own hands and feet. This is so fun so far. I know, right? Where did this giant get this magic belt? Mm-hmm. throwing up jets of colored water. And round about the fountain, hundreds of giants and giantesses with paper caps on their heads were dancing and singing and playing Ring of Roses and Nuts in May

and other such games. Oh my gosh. I've never heard of Nuts in May. Nuts in May is a singing game played by children with the aim of pairing a boy and a girl from within two teams of participants. Okay. So there's two teams of kids who face each other in a line and then the first team skips forward and sings a verse and then they skip back to their original position the second team

skips forward repeating the same verse and then like the end of the verse is like who will who will you have for nuts in may and then the first team chooses who they want from the other team. Interesting. Okay. Yeah. I don't know. So it looks like it basically it essentially like ends. It essentially ends in like a little fight where you're trying each child is trying to tug each other towards their side.

Nice. I can see why I didn't play that game as a child. Yeah, it's like a nice, inclusive game. It's very physical. I can see why our teachers wouldn't have wanted us to play that game with each other. All right. So they're playing cute children's games. This is adorable.

I agree. Adorable Giants ball. Finally, finally, we get some cute children's games. This is adorable. I agree. Adorable Giants ball. Finally, finally we get some cute Giants story. You've been hoping. You've been wanting. The boy had to keep a sharp lookout not to be trodden under their great feet. The wounded Giant couldn't dance nor play nuts and may, so he stood on one side and watched and giggled. And every now and then he whispered, are you there, boy?

And the boy answered, yes, I'm here. Keep near me, whispered the giant after a bit. Something's going to happen. And what happened was that one of the giants tore up a weed by the roots and under the weed was a small hole going down into the earth. Then all of the giants and giantesses turned themselves into wisps of smoke and sank one after another down into the hole. These are magic giants. Okay. Are you there, a boy? Said the last wisp of smoke, which was the wounded giant.

Yes, I'm here, said the boy. Then touch me, said the wisp of smoke. The boy put out his hand and touched the smoke and sank with it down the hole into the earth. He was seeing things that he didn't usually see, was that shepherd boy. The boy put out his hand and touched the smoke and sank with it down the hole into the earth. He was seeing things that he didn't usually see, was that shepherd boy. Now he was in a great hall, and the walls of it were gold, and so was the ceiling. And down the middle of the hall was a long table, and that was gold too. The table was spread for a feast, and the giants and giantesses sat around and ate like children at a Christmas party.

The boy in his invisible belt stood on the wounded giant's knee and reached up and helped himself and never in his life had he eaten so much. When he could eat no more, he saw a crusty roll on the table near him and it was a tiny little roll to the giants, but a big loaf to the boy. Okay, the loaf, what's happening? Coming in. Why shouldn't I take that loaf, thought he. I shall be thankful to have something to eat tomorrow. So he took the loaf off the table. By this time, the giants and giantesses, I think I'm just going to say giants. The giants. We get it. There's it's a, it's a co-ed ball. We get it.

Yeah. By this time, the giants had eaten up everything. They looked up the sweet crumbs from their plates and they sucked their sticky fingers and they turned their gold cups upside down over their noses to get the last drops of wine. They had no manners at all. And when there was left neither a crumb nor drop, they began turning into wisps of smoke again and drifting one after the other through the hole in the earth. Are you there, boy? Said the last wisp of smoke. That was the wounded giant. Yes, I'm

here, said the boy. Then touch me that I may take you up with me. The boy put his hand out and touched the wisp of smoke and there he was standing on the earth again with the loaf under his arm. But the giant was nowhere to be seen so the boy went back to his sheep. He put the invisible belt and the loaf of bread into his wallet.

Into a wallet. Yeah, hell yeah. And he left the wallet lying on the grass and he took the wallet for his pillow, stretched himself out, and slept soundly. When he woke in the morning, he said to himself, Today I shall have some breakfast. And he took the loaf out of his wallet and cut it with his knife, but try as he would, he couldn't cut a single slice off that loaf. He was so disappointed that he felt like crying.

That's like fey food. Yeah, a little bit. Like you can only eat it under certain circumstances in certain places. I will have some breakfast. I will, he said. And he bit at the loaf with all his might. Crack. He thought he had broken a tooth.

But when he spat out what he thought was a tooth, he found it was a gold coin. Oh my God. Yes. He bit at the loaf again and again and crack. Every time he bit, there was a gold coin in his mouth, but the loaf remained whole. This is the best loaf of bread I ever had in my life. Yeah. No fucking shit, dude.

I shall never go hungry again. He put on his invisible belt and ran to the nearest town and went into a pie shop. So he still has the invisible belt too, which is pretty cool. Why would it need to be invisible to go to the pie shop if he's got money?

You know what? This reminds me of the 10th Kingdom where being invisible is just like highly addictive. Like being invisible is just. Yes. Okay. Sure. Crave it all the time.

I don't know. By the way, the 10th kingdom is a mini series fairy tales, and you should definitely go watch it right now. Absolutely. Well, after this story. It's adorable. So he put on his invisible belt and ran to the nearest town and went into a pie shop. There he helped himself to a good breakfast, laid down a gold coin in payment, and went back to his sheep. In the pie shop, he had heard two cooks, who were brothers, talking together.

One was the king's head cook, and the other was the owner of the pie shop, he had heard two cooks, who were brothers, talking together. One was the king's head cook, and the other was the owner of the pie shop. The king's cook was telling his brother about a fine ice cake he was making for the princess, whose birthday it was the next day. How I would like to give her something, thought the shepherd boy. Well, but I can give her

something, he thought next. Yeah, right? He got a sack and bit into his loaf until he had a pile of gold coins and he filled the sack with them that night he put on his invisible belt again because he's addicted because he's addicted and went to the room where the princess was sleeping oh no i hate that oh dude oh and he laid the sack of gold down beside her bed. And he did this for the next seven nights. Still creepy. She's already rich. Yeah, right?

She's a princess. She doesn't need that gold. Come on. The king and the queen and the princess were delighted because, of course, the rich get richer. The king and the queen and the princess were delighted because, of course, the rich get richer. They thought a good fairy must be bringing the princess sacks of gold. You are a lucky girl, said the king. But oughtn't we thank the good fairy, said the queen.

I don't think fairies like being thanked or watched, said the princess. She's so smart. She's very smart. But I do like that the queen is you know yeah polite she's great has good manners uh-huh no no of course they don't said the king but the king was very inquisitive he had never seen a fairy and now was his chance oh my god i like this king too so without saying anything to the queen or the princess, he decided on the next night to hide behind a curtain in the princess's bedroom and watch.

That night, the rain was pelting down and the wind was howling. The boy took shelter in a ruined hut to wait till it was time to go back with a sack of gold to the princess's bedside. In the middle of the night, when he thought everyone would be asleep, he took up the sack of gold and ran through the wind and ran to the palace. When he got there, he found he had left the invisible belt behind. He was already wet though and didn't want to go back through the rain to fetch it. Never mind, thought he. No one will see me. They'll all be asleep. Oh no. So he got in through a little window in the pantry, tiptoed up to the princess's bedroom, and opened the door without a sound. He had just put the sack of gold by the bed and was about to tiptoe out again when a lamp flashed in his face and someone seized him roughly by the arm.

Ah, you thief, cried the king. So you were going to steal the gold and the good fairy rings, were you? The poor boy was so astonished and frightened that he couldn't get out a single word. He was leaving. Yeah, he is the fairy. He is the fairy. Come on, man.

He just stood there and trembled and heard the king say he would throw him into a dungeon that very night. The king spoke so loudly and roughly that he woke the princess. And when she heard about the dungeon, she got out of bed and fell on her knees and begged and prayed her father do not do such a cruel thing. I like her. I do, too.

And she already likes him, which is cute. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's right. Because I actually totally forgot the beginning. Yeah, right. It was like, huh, I wonder what does she think is going on here? But it's like, oh, no, she knows this kid. Yeah, she likes That she, like, it was like, huh, I wonder, like, what he, like, what does she think is going on here? But it's like, oh, no, she knows this kid.

Yeah, she likes him. Yeah. Aw. Very well, said the king at last. I won't throw him in the dungeon. Dungeon happy kids. But will remember instead that he has served me faithfully up to now. Like, get out of my sight, he said to the boy.

And if I ever see your face again, I will have you hanged. It's a good thing I've got an invisibility belt. Very well, said the boy. And he went away very sadly. He crept into the ruined hut and sat there wet and shivering till morning. Then he looked at his invisible belt and his loaf and took heart. I know what I'll do, he said. So he bit into the loaf until he had a pocket full of money

and then he walked to the nearest town and bought himself a decent suit of clothes and an old horse. And after that he rode off to another town. And there, having made himself invisible and bitten into his loaf until his pockets bulged with money, he took off the belt and

had himself fitted with a much better suit and bought a much better horse. And in this much better suit he rode off on his much Why? I like how this is written. Why not just get... I know that this horse was much better than the old nag he had before. I know. And he put up at the best inn and summoned a tailor and had a suit of clothes made fit for a prince. Now, oh my gosh, this is so Aladdin.

This is absolutely. We're having a Prince Ali moment right here. Also, what is all of this new influx of gold doing for the inflation rates in this kingdom? Rich people don't have to worry about that stuff. Now he called himself Prince Loaf and he walked out of the town looking so grand. And though the people thought it was a funny name, they knew he must be a prince from his gracious manners and the way he handed money out to anyone who asked for it. So he had a splendid coach made specially for him and bought a team of

magnificent horses and hired a coachman and a footman to put them in a smart livery. Absolutely. Did he also hire a bard to run up and down the street, proclaiming all of his deeds? Prince love. He's got some bread. He's got cool bread.

And then, and all this fine array, he drove off to the king's palace. The news of Prince Loaf's coming went before him, for everyone was talking about him. The king received him as an honored guest, although he had no idea whose guest really was. But the princess recognized her little shepherd boy immediately. He told her about the giant and the belt and the loaf. And as they found they were in love with each other, they were very soon married. The giant's loaf supplied them with all the gold they needed.

And sometimes they amuse themselves by putting on the invisible belt and playing hide and seek. Sexy. Cause you have to find each other by feel you know okay okay wow that is cute they never stopped loving each other and so they lived happily ever after and that's all the end okay that's fucking adorable that was the cutest story oh my gosh. I'm so glad you suggested that one. I never would have guessed that was Prince Love.

No. Oh, I love that. And the giant, they became friends. I finally got a point for that. You finally got a point for that guess. Oh, that makes me so happy. It was bound to happen eventually. I think I got no points. Well, you said the giant will be a lady giant and there were lady giants.

There were lady giants, but the lady giant was not, there was no like lady giant character, but I'll take it. Yeah, just take it. I feel like I should get, I get half a point for that. And I get half a point for saying that like Prince Loaf, that loaf refers to being bread. Yes. Okay, perfect. And that all adds up to one point because I made neither prediction specifically.

I love it. We both got one point. Oh my gosh. And I just, I got giants, a nice, like cute giant party. Yeah. Fills my whole heart. When they play children's games and then go have a feast and they can turn into smoke. Apparently.

I know. I'm so excited. It's amazing. Do you have a fix for that? No, no. Do I have a fix? No, I don't think I have a fix. That was amazing. That was so cute.

I have one fix. What is it? You have unlimited gold that you are just kind of giving to the royal family of this kingdom. Yeah. I get that you wanted to woo your lady love and you needed like capital to be a prince so you could marry her. Totally get it aladdin i'm on board um after that you should redistribute some of that shit well it did say he was giving it to anyone who asked oh that's true so i feel like they kind of already established that he was really generous and it was just okay all right then i went to the streets i withdraw my fix but if you have like a magical loaf that is just unlimited money forever, there had better be absolutely no poor people in your kingdom. I guess my fix is just that he would visit the giant every now and then.

I don't know why I love giants so much. I just think it's like the cutest. I love that idea. Yes. And they can go on more adventures together. Yay. Awesome. Thank you for picking that one.

That makes me so happy. That's such a good note to end on for not going to be recording for a little while. I think so too. That's such a happy story. It warms the soul. As will our next one. Okay. Okay. happy story. Like it just, it warms, it warms the soul as well. Our next one. Okay.

Okay. So to introduce this next story, it's, it's honestly like we debated about whether or not this should be a listener's tale offering, or if we should include it as part of the main podcast, but it is a fairy tale. So we're going to do it as part of the main podcast. One of our Patreon supporters, Sarah, actually wrote Kelsey and I a fairy tale. I'm so excited. It is so good. It makes me so happy. We were not supposed to read

it until we had both made predictions. Funny story. So I read Sarah's email and I didn't read the fairy tale because I was like, oh, we'll just read it together and, you know, make predictions beforehand. And then Abby messaged me like later that day and was like, the story is so good. And I'm like, you read it already? Yeah. Sorry, Sarah. I got too excited. I saw that you'd written as a fairy tale and I immediately opened it without reading any of the bits where you requested that we wait to make predictions before reading it. So I've already read it. I love it so much. And I am now going to read it to Kelsey who will make predictions on it.

So Kelsey, this story is by Sarah and it is called Abby and Kelsey and the boss ass dragon. Oh my gosh. I love it so much. Oh my God. I'm so excited to hear this okay it's the best thing ever just thank you so much this is so exciting okay i predict i want to predict oh the name is just so cute okay so we get jobs from a dragon can i predict that we either get a witch apprentice or we become a witch apprentice amazing okay because we just talk about it so often um and the other thing we talk about kind of often that happens in fairy tales is horse murder so i'm gonna predict that

that comes up i don't know if a horse actually gets murdered but just that it comes up i don't think sarah would be like murdering horses but we'll see i i mean that's so that's so fucking funny we do talk about horse murder a lot it just it happens in fairy tales i don't know why fairy tale writers from like the 1800s hate horses so much they just do though okay excellent predictions here we go this is abby and kelsey and the boss-ass dragon once upon a time there were two beautiful peasants named abby and kelsey who loved nothing so much as they loved a good story the two girls it's so true we're very beautiful and we love stories we are also peasants yeah

the two girls lived in a small village where new stories were hard to come by so they spent every night at the nearby inn asking travelers to tell them tales of adventure and heroism the girls gobbled up every story and on the nights when no new travelers came to the village they retold their favorites to each other one, a very interesting traveler arrived at the inn. He had silver hair and emerald eyes, and he looked like the kind of person who would have a great many stories to tell. When the girls asked about his adventures, he told them something very interesting indeed. Oh, ho, said the traveler. Have I got a story for you? Very nice, Sarah. Uh-huh. I love it. While out on my travels,

I heard tell of a powerful dragon that lives in a crystal castle at the top of a glass mountain. It is said that anyone who gains the favor of this dragon will be blessed with wealth and good fortune for the remainder of their days. A dragon, the girls gasped. Especially Abby. Wait, hang on. I've got a line. Okay. Could we go meet this dragon ourselves?

Asked Abby. Yes, on brand. Going to meet the dragon is no great trouble, said the traveler. But you will need to be very clever if you wish to leave its castle alive, for this dragon is very hard to please and it will want to eat you up for intruding on its home. How are we supposed to outsmart a dragon? Asked Kelsey. When you arrive, the dragon will ask you if you have brought any gifts for it. You must answer that you have brought the gift of story.

Then tell the dragon the story of your lives and insist at the end of each night that you must stay to continue it tomorrow. When you wish to depart, tell the dragon the story is not finished and you must leave to gather the rest of it. This is the only way to ensure your safety. That's so smart. Yeah, it's super smart. It's also like I

love all of the different fairy tale references that Sarah weaved into this. This is like a very Scheherazade and the Arabian Nights. Yeah. Yeah. Sarah, if you could see my face, I'm smiling so big right now. This is amazing. Oh, my God.

Sarah, Kelsey has been clutching her face the entire time and smiling so wide. Abby and Kelsey were in awe at the prospect of this adventure, and they thanked the traveler profusely for his help. They raced home to pack for travel, and at the first crow of the cock in the morning, they set off to find the dragon. Sarah has liberally sprinkled this story with the word cock. Oh, my God, Sarah. I love you so much. I am probably going to have to stop saying it at some point and say rooster because, girl, you put it in there a lot. Just for you.

I'm so glad you're reading it. The two girls traveled for three days and three nights climbing hills and valleys and crossing rivers and streams until finally they arrived at the glass mountain with the beautiful crystal castle glittering in the sun at its top. Abby and Kelsey climbed up the mountain, took a deep breath, and knocked on the door of the crystal castle. Knock, knock, knock. After a moment, a great thundering noise came from the other side of the door. Boom, boom, boom, boom. and kelsey looked at each other nervously boom boom boom boom the ground began to shake as the noise got closer and louder and closer and louder boom boom boom boom then suddenly the door was flung open and standing before them was an enormous dragon i fucking love this story amazing you're reading it so well, too.

Thank you. I'm really into it. I am mega jazzed about it. It stood thrice as tall as any man with long teeth and sharp claws and shimmery black scales, and it bellowed when it spoke. Yes. This dragon is indeed a boss. Mm-hmm. this dragon is indeed a boss who has come knocking at my door demanded the dragon i'm abby and this is kelsey said abby we have come to meet the great dragon who lives in this castle kelsey explained

we have heard it is awesome and powerful and we wish to experience its wonder for ourselves. The dragon preened at the praise, but then narrowed its eyes. Have you brought a gift to compensate for this intrusion? If you are only here to disturb me and offer nothing in return, I shall eat you up. That's fair. Totally fair. Remembering the traveler's instructions kelsey replied we have brought a story as our gift so that our presence might bring entertainment instead of intrusion that is well said the dragon come inside and tell me the story but be warned if your story

does not please me i will have you for supper so good that sounds perfectly reasonable abby agreed we will do our best to tell a good tale but if you are unsatisfied at the end of our story you may eat us yeah i like how we're both yep that's totally fair totally fair i don't care um i have always said i don't care if a dragon eats me as long if i ever get to meet Yeah, I mean, that's kind of the dream. That's the perfect way to die. It's the... It's perfection. It's the way we want. It's the way I want to go.

So the girls followed the dragon inside and settled in front of the crystal castle's great hearth to tell their tale. They told the dragon all about their childhood, spent playing games and trading stories. They talked and talked until the night grew long and their voices grew hoarse, and at last they were too tired to continue. Your story is well told, but not very exciting, mused the dragon. The story is not yet finished, Kelsey assured. We must rest for now and continue it tomorrow. That is well, said the dragon, for if that were the entire story, I should eat you up.

But for now, what? I'm just funny. It's cute. But for now, you may have rooms to rest in free reign of my castle. Tomorrow at supper, you will continue your tale. The dragon led Abby and Kelsey to rooms where they could sleep and bid them good night. The next morning, there was breakfast waiting for them in the kitchen and a whole castle for them to explore. And when the day came to a close, the girls once again settled in

in front of the crystal castle's great hearth to continue their tale. They told the dragon all about their adolescence spent searching for jobs and learning a trade. They talked and talked until the night grew long and their voices grew hoarse, and at last they were too tired to continue. Your story is well told, but it's still not very exciting, mused the dragon. The story is not yet finished, Abby assured. We must rest for now and continue it tomorrow. And so it went for many days and nights.

Abby and Kelsey explored the castle and spun the tale of their lives until eventually the itch for adventure began to crawl under their skin and the girls decided it was time to depart. That night, when they settled in front of the crystal castle's great hearth, they told the dragon about the traveler with silver hair and emerald eyes and about traveling for three days and three nights to reach the crystal castle. The dragon listened eagerly as they spoke until finally they reached the end. Your story is well told, but it is just starting to get exciting, mused the dragon. The story is not yet finished, Kelsey assured. We must leave to gather the rest of it.

You must promise to return once you've gathered it, said the dragon, for I very much wish to hear the rest. Then the dragon extended a giant, sharp claw and pried a single, shiny, black scale from its belly. Take this with you, that you may travel in safety and one day return. If you come across trouble, hold the scale in your hands and say, Glimmering, shimmering dragon scale, help me now so i do not fail abby and kelsey thanked the dragon for this gift and promised to one day return to finish telling their story then they set off in search of an adventure worth telling about after wandering a ways they came across a farmhouse where doleful farmer ivan sat on the stoop looking as sorrowful as you can imagine.

Oh, Ivan. Oh, Ivan, what did you do? Or not do? What troubles you, friend? Kelsey asked as they approached. Farmer Ivan sighed heavily and cradled his head in his hands. Woe is me. I work all day to harvest the fields, but I have to sell every crop I pick in order to pay my landlord, and there's never enough left for me to eat. If I had help in the fields,

I could pick enough each day to get by, but I can't afford to pay anyone to help me. We can help you, Kelsey offered. The only payment we'd ask is that you let us share your meal at the end of the day. Farmer Ivan thanked the girls for their generosity, and the three of them got to work harvesting the fields. At the end of the day, Farmer Ivan had more than enough food to sell at the market and a good deal left over to cook up for dinner. The next day, Farmer Ivan took his crops to the market and brought his full purse to pay the landlord.

But when he returned to the farm, he once again looked sad. What troubles you, my friend? Abby asked when he returned. What was, he once again looked sad. What troubles you, my friend? Abby asked when he returned. What was me? Said Farmer Ivan. I was so focused on the crops that I neglected the chickens. If I don't collect the eggs, they will get cracked or smashed. But the cock has become aggressive of late and he won't let me near the hen house.

Sarah, you're the best. You're a bitch. We can help you, Abby offered. If you keep the cock distracted, we could sneak into the hen house and collect all the eggs. Okay, hang on. Incredible. Oh my gosh.

Farmer Ivan thanked the girls for their assistance once again he walked toward the hen house and i'm gonna say it it's fine i can do it you got this i believe in you he walked toward the hen house and grabbed the cock's attention. So Abby and Kelsey could slip inside and tend to the hens. That night, they had another wonderful dinner. And the next day, Farmer Ivan brought the fresh eggs they'd gathered to the market. But when he returned to the farm, he once again looked sad.

Woe is me, cried Farmer Ivan. My landlord saw my recent success at the market, and now he is charging me even more. I'm afraid the only way to meet his new price is to sell all my horses for slaughter. Yes, amazing. Point for Kelsey. This is the best story ever.'m so excited i mean that's horrible so funny though also the evil landlord yes yes excellent use of the evil chef's kiss beautiful no cried abby that's terrible what else can i do farmer? Oh, if only I had enough money to pay the landlord, then my horses would be safe. If only you didn't have to pay the landlord, Kelsey replied.

If you owned the farm yourself, then your horses would be safe. Then Abby remembered the scale the dragon had given them. She held the scale in her hands and said, Glimmering, shimmering dragon scale, help me now so I do not fail. And hey presto, a deed to the farm appeared in her hands. Excellent use of hey presto.

Beautiful. And what do you know? Ivan's name was on the deed, giving him full ownership of the farm. Kelsey handed the deed to Far him full ownership of the farm. Kelsey handed the deed to Farmer Ivan. Show this to your landlord and he can never take money from you again. Farmer Ivan took the deed gratefully and thanked Abby and Kelsey for all they had done for him.

He offered them jobs in his farm, for if he didn't need to pay the landlord, he would have enough to pay for their help. But the girls still felt the pull of adventure. They declined Farmer Ivan's offer and they wished him well, explaining that they needed to continue their journey. So Abby and Kelsey set off once more, this time wandering into the nearby woods. They walked through the trees, under branches and over leaves until they came to a peculiar little hut

that stood on a pair of chicken legs in a clearing. Ah! I know! Baba Yaga! Baba Yaga! The hut was small and weathered, and it stood stoically with its back to the girls and its front facing deeper into the forest. Curious, Abby and Kelsey approached the hut and tried to walk around to its entrance,

but no sooner had they started to move around it than the chicken legs began hopping about, keeping the huts back to them. They tried going around the left side. Hop, hop, hop. The little hut turned. They tried going around the right side. Hop, hop, hop. The little hut turned again. Then they tried to split up and go around both sides at once because damn,

we smart in this story. Which sent the hut spinning in stubborn circles, trying to avoid them from both directions. I love it. Finally, Abby grew frustrated and demanded, Hut, hut, turn your back to the forest and your front to me. Probably with a, God damn it.

And the hut promptly obeyed, turning to face the girls and settling still so they could enter. But before they could approach the hut's door, it flew open and there stood Baba Yaga scowling furiously. I know.

You terrible girls, Baba Yaga scowling furiously. I know. You terrible girls, Baba Yaga scolded. You have spun my hut like a whirlwind and now everything inside is shaken up and smashed. The girls felt very sorry for the damage they had caused. They hadn't realized that their efforts to enter the hut would shake up the inside and they certainly hadn't intended to anger Baba Yaga. That's for sure. Yeah. Would never do on purpose. Come inside at once and put things to rights, Baba Yaga demanded and Abby and Kelsey readily agreed. Baba Yaga led them inside and put them to work tidying and cleaning the mess they had made. First, she took them to the kitchen and bade them clean up all the ingredients that had spilled from her cupboards. What are these ingredients used for? Kelsey asked as they set to work on the task.

Foolish girl, replied Baba Yaga. You don't need to know that to be able to clean. Understanding their use will help us put them away in an orderly fashion kelsey reasoned very well baba yaga agreed i use these ingredients to make tinctures and potions i'll explain their properties so you may do a better job cleaning yes exactly exactly so abby and kelsey listened carefully as baba yaga taught them the art of potion brewing while they carefully replaced each ingredient when the cabinets were once more full of their proper contents baba yaga led the girls to a bookcase and bade them pick up all the tomes that had scattered about the room what are these books used for abby asked as they gathered up the books

foolish girl replied baba yaga you don't need to know that to be able to clean. Understanding their use will help us sort them on the shelves, Abby reasoned. Very well, Baba Yaga agreed. I use these tomes to cast spells and enchantments. I'll explain their contents so you may do a better job cleaning. So Abby and Kelsey listened carefully as Baba Yaga taught them the art of spell casting while they diligently sorted books onto the shelves. When all the books had been tidied away, Baba Yaga gestured to the smashed pieces of crockery that littered the floors. Which, by the way, Kelsey, point for you. Uh-huh.

Yes. I was hoping that would happen. Because we are witches' apprentices. I'll be it. Accidental witch apprentices. Accidental. But we're still like tricking Baba Yaga into teaching us spellcraft. Fuck yes.

Amazing. That's so good. Now assemble and repair all my broken cookware, Baba Yaga demanded. Surely you don't need an explanation on the uses of plates and bowls.

Which is just as well, for I must be off to church to convene with the vampires and frighten the local villagers. That is what she would be up to, huh? Hell yeah! That's perfect. That's exactly why Baba Yaga goes to church.

Or any witch, for that matter. It's to fuck with the locals. Obviously. And go meet her hellish cabal for wine and snacks. that's a little nod to buttercup remember because the witch was like trying to eat him and then she's like okay now i'm off to church that's right i forgot that's part of the story it was just so random that's so good that's great excellent excellent references so with that Baba Yaga

grabbed her pestle hopped into her mortar and flew off through the trees leaving Abby and Kelsey to their task the girls looked at the mosaic of broken pottery that covered the hut's floor and they got to work gathering up every last shard from the large chunks near the center of the room to the tiny bits that is scattered into corners. But when they began fitting the pieces together to reassemble the dishes, they realized there was a problem. How are they supposed to make the broken dishes whole again? They searched the hut for glue or clay

or a magical adhesive, but they found none. When they could think of no more options, Kelsey pulled out the dragon scale. She stood over the broken pieces and she held the scale in her hands and said, glimmering, shimmering dragon scale, help me now so I do not fail. And hey presto, all the plates and pots and bowls fused back together so perfectly that you couldn't tell they'd ever been broken. With the task completed, the little hut looked good as new, better even. The cabinets and the bookshelves had never been so organized, and the pottery had never been so pristine.

That had nothing to do with me, probably. It was all Kelsey. It was all the dragon scales. It was all that dragon scale. Abby and Kelsey admired their work with pride and wisely decided to depart before Baba Yaga could return. Smart. We're very smart. We're very clever in this story. They waved goodbye to the little hut and wandered once more into the wood.

The girls walked along through the forest until they came upon a prince who was returning from a hunt. The prince was dashing and handsome but no amount of good looks could overshadow his arrogance he i know it's the wood it's the woods that are full of horny princes and kings that are out to scoop up maidens that's what they do that's's what they do. That's just what they do. He took one look at the girls, proclaimed that they were the most beautiful maidens he had ever seen. And decided right then and there that one or the other of them must be his

wife. Abby and Kelsey tried to decline the proposal, but the arrogant prince was insistent and they knew it was unwise to upset royalty. So they agreed. I love how smart we are

in this story. We're really clever. We know all the tropes. We are well aware. We know exactly what to do. We've heard so many stories. Heck yeah. Heck yeah. We know exactly what to do. We've heard so many stories. Heck yeah.

Heck yeah. We've collected all of them. So they agreed to go to the prince's palace, determined that they would find a way to evade this marriage. When they arrived at the palace, the arrogant prince brought them to the throne room and presented them to his father, the king. Father, I have found a bride, the prince declared. and presented them to his father, the king. Father, I have found a bride, the prince declared. It appears you have found two brides.

Which of these maidens do you intend to marry? The arrogant prince sighed dramatically. I find I cannot choose between them, so I leave it to you as king to decide which maiden I should marry. Nice. You and I are both so irresistible that this prince cannot decide. He would marry us both if he could.

Probably. Unfortunately, there are rules. The king examined Abby and Kelsey from head to toe, taking in their travel clothes muddy boots and unhappy expressions very well said the king leave us now so i may speak with them as the prince bowed and stirred out of the throne room the king turned to abby and kelsey with a gentle smile he could sense their discomfort and wanted to put them at ease what troubles you my

dears asked the king the girls wished to trust in the king's kindness but feared the consequences of insulting the prince with an honest reply cautiously abby offered an evasive answer nothing we can speak of i'm afraid tut tut said the king it doesn't do to keep worries bottled up. If you cannot tell me your concerns, come with me to the garden where there is an auspicious wishing well. Toss pebbles into the well and tell the well your troubles. I love it. Yeah, Klaus, call back to, it was the goose girl, right? Yeah, where they like tell the fireplace. Yeah, like, oh, if you can't talk to me, talk to the fireplace.

I'm totally not, you know, behind the curtain over there. Toss the pebbles into the well and tell it your troubles. In this way, you can unburden your minds and perhaps the well's good luck will provide a solution. The king led Abby and Kelsey through the palace's gardens to a little stone well at its center, surrounded by tall bushes of hydrangeas and lavenders and roses, with benches to sit upon and pebbles to toss. He guided them to sit on a bench, and once they

were settled, he departed. Or did he? Yeah. Hit behind the bushes. Kelsey sighed deeply and tossed a pebble into the well. I don't want to marry that arrogant prince. I want to continue our adventures.

He knows nothing about us apart from our beauty, and I would rather be gobbled up by a dragon than be married to one so shallow. Abby tossed a pebble as well. If only we could return to the dragon at the top of the glass mountain, the prince certainly wouldn't have the courage to follow us there. Then we'd be free from his attention and able to choose our own fates. Kelsey took out the dragon scale, hoping it could help them out of this conundrum. She held it in her hand and said, glimmering, shimmering dragon scale, help me now so I do not fail. But when she finished the recitation,

nothing seemed to happen the girls looked at the dragon scale forlornly believing it had lost its magic but at that very moment the king was hiding behind a nearby rosebush crazy the king was hiding behind a nearby rosebush listening as they spoke and hey presto when kelsey spoke the magic words an idea came into the king's head that would help solve all their problems. A short while later, the king summoned the girls and the prince back to his throne rooms. I've decided that the proper way to select your bride is to set the maidens a challenge, the king declared. Far from here, there is a glass mountain with a dragon living at its top.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. far from here, there is a glass mountain with a dragon living at its top. Abby and Kelsey knew immediately that the king had heard their earlier conversation. They held their breath, nervous about whether the king's plan would help them or hurt them. These maidens should go on a perilous quest to the glass mountain. Whichever of them can successfully slay the dragon is fit to be your wife. The king looked at Abby andsey intently as he continued if neither maiden returns that will surely mean the dragon has killed them and you will have to choose a different bride oh no Oh. Super clever. Tricky kings. Tricky kings are the best. I, ah, so many good tropes in this.

Yep. Oh my gosh. Clever, tricky kings. Because it also kind of reminds me a little bit of Prince Loaf, sort of, with like the king hiding behind the curtain. Except that king is more of a dungeon happy. Yeah. King.

Little less clever. Anyway. The arrogant prince. Little less clever. Anyway. The arrogant prince seemed to consider this. An impressive challenge indeed, father. I look forward to the glory of a slain dragon and a new bride. Nice. Though the prince's arrogance prevented him from understanding the king's intent, Abby and Kelsey recognized the king was offering them permission to leave and never return yes definitely thank you thank you

winking and whispering and okay uh-huh yes lots of winking up at him on his throne the girls thanked the king for his hospitality and kindness, winking steadily. And then they left the palace immediately, eager to leave the arrogant prince. Abby and Kelsey decided it was time they returned to the dragon. Though they had no intention of slaying the beast, they had missed it during their travels, and they had seen and done so much, and they had a wonderful story to tell. So the girls retraced their steps away from the arrogant prince's palace, through the woods of Baba Yaga's hut, over the rolling hills of Ivan's farm, and finally back up the slopes of the glass mountain to the crystal castle at its top. Then they took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Knock, knock, knock.

Soon they could hear the dragon's thundering steps approach. Boom, boom, boom, boom. And in no time at all, the door was flung open and they once more beheld the enormous shimmering black dragon. You have finally returned, declared the dragon. We have gathered enough story to continue our tale, Kelsey replied. That is well, said the dragon. Come in and tell it to me. The girls followed the dragon inside and settled in front of the crystal castle's great hearth to

tell their tale. They told the dragon about meeting Farmer Ivan and freeing him from his selfish landlord. They told about encountering a little hut in the woods and learning witchcraft while they cleaned up their mess. And finally, they spoke of being taken by an arrogant prince and freed by his kindly father. Oh, your story is wonderfully exciting, said the dragon when they had finished. It's the best gift a visitor has ever brought me. You will forever be welcome guests in my castle. If you choose to leave, just promise to return from time to time with more delightful stories. And so Abby and Kelsey made themselves at home in the dragon's crystal castle, where they lived comfortably until they once more began to feel the itch for adventure. Then they went on even more great adventures, meeting giants and dwarves and fairies and mermaids, and always returning to the crystal castle at the end to give the dragon updates on their tale.

And they all lived happily ever at the end to give the dragon updates on their tale and they all lived happily ever after the end holy shit sarah that was so good i know i am just like just amazed and speechless that was so fucking awesome i. It's kind of hard to keep up our usual banter reading it because it's just perfect. It's everything we want in a story forever. We love this so much. Thank you so much for taking all of the different themes that we encounter and weaving them into the story. especially for using the word cock so much that's my one fix for it i wouldn't it's perfect oh that was so good thank you so much what a like what a wildly good note to end on yeah since we're gonna take just just a just a little break, but that's, yeah, a wildly good

note to go for a summer break on. It's absolutely perfect. Thank you so much, Sarah. What an honor. What an honor. Wow. Yeah, I am just so thankful and words aren't even working. I can't like express how how happy that makes me. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. We highly encourage anybody who would like to follow suit and write fairy tale fix-based fairy tales. Please, please, please do that. We will totally read them on the air. Oh, that was so great. That was so beautifully written, too.

I know. Sarah really nailed the vibe of a Ruth Ruth Manning Sanders style fairy tale. Yeah. In her email, Sarah mentioned that she hadn't been like super into fairy tales. And I would have never guessed because that was written so perfectly. Perfect. Note perfect. And I got two points.

You did. You got two points. What was your third prediction? I can't remember. Well, I predicted that we get jobs from the dragon. did you got two points um what was your third prediction i can't remember well i i predicted that we get jobs from the dragon we kind of do i guess well i mean he tells us to go out and uh get more stories exactly and then i also guessed uh that we would be witch apprentices and that there'd be horse murder mentioned that was so so good. A mention of horse murder. I like that you changed it to a mention of horse murder and

not actual horse murder because then you wouldn't have gotten the point. I know. That's what I was thinking. I was like, would Sarah actually kill off a bunch of horses? Probably not. Or just maybe bring it up somehow. And you did it perfectly. That was awesome. That was great. Oh my gosh. So total of three points for Kelsey this episode. One point for me. This was so, so good. Just incredible. Thank you so much, Sarah. Thank you, Sarah. Just I guess kind of like a quick, a quick like repeat of our announcement from the beginning, just in case like, you know, anybody missed any details uh we are this is our last episode for

two months our last our last um like new episode for two months we are going to be taking a two month break for june and july but we will release one episode per month that is a our favorite patreon bonus episodes uh onto our general feed and for Patreon listeners, your June bonus episode will come your way just like always right on schedule. Yep. And we're so excited for all of you

to listen to these previously Patreon exclusive episodes. They're so much fun. They're delightful. You're going to love them. All right. Well, I think that's going

to do it for us today. As always, thank you so much for listening to Fairytale Fix. If you do enjoy the show, please subscribe. Leave us a review on Apple or give us a rating on Spotify. If you

love and want to support us, as we mentioned, you can get extra episodes on our Patreon at FairytaleFix.cash and you can find us on Twitter and Instagram at FairytaleF fix pod and please oh my gosh i can't imagine anyone topping sarah's story but send us your favorite fairy tales uh email us dm us we want to hear from you you can email us at info at fairy tale fix pod dot com

and prince loaf every now and then stopped in to see his friend the giant and give him an update on life and thank him for all of his, I don't know, good fortune. Yeah. Yep. Sounds good to me. And Abby and Kelsey continued to do what they do, rocking it hard, being super smart and going out and collecting a lot of fantastic adventures. And they all lived happily ever after. The end.