Goes Without Saying - lost, unsure, & insecure: nobody's coming, harry

Episode Date: March 28, 2024

podmothers sephy & wing enter the chat: spiralling on feeling stuck, bitching and complaining, insecurities and self-esteem, life advice, and jennette mccurdy. ✷shop ✷ www.sephyandwing.co.ukhear more ✷ www.instagram.com/sephyandwingwatch more ✷ www.tiktok.com/@sephyandwing Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The animal kingdom is queer and we are a part. Find a field guide to gay animals on Spotify, Apple. Or wherever you get your podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Goes Without Saying. You're listening to Goes Without Saying with Sefi and Wing. I'm Wing. And I'm Sefi.

I think this episode would have really hit for me if I, I mean, cut to, I mean, anytime that I'm not feeling great. Like, I'm lost. I'm alone. I am really going through something. I'm walking through life with a big question mark over my head and I'm looking around like, can somebody help me? And I've, for whatever reason, I found this podcast. Don't know if it's necessarily going to help, but it will be there for the ride. Enjoy.

Okay. Okay. Bright and early. Bright and early bright and early 8 58 on the dot we're late we're late i'm so sorry no this is the reason why yeah go on 13 reasons why this happened 13 reasons and truly there are um one thing is there's only actually one oh god are you ill no god what a nightmare i've been poisoned she's joking jesus carry on no no no i'm not gonna carry on through that imagine jesus are you all right yeah i guess horrible god throat and l really pleasant episode yeah go on sorry the reason why this is late is because I was traveling back home from Portugal to England from I've never had a travel day quite like this quite extreme seven in the morning I was arosen from awakened from my bed I rose such a clatter

I arose such a clatter at which I don't really know what that means but you always say yeah at seven in the morning I didn't get home until it's not even that late 9 30 but there was no moment in that that I wasn't traveling like I was moving moving moving moving moving and oh my god and there were so many stages to my journey yesterday you know when it's just like because I had to get an early the farm that my dad lives in the middle of nowhere like absolute middle middle middle of nowhere in portugal so you have to like get a i had to get a lift like 45 minute lift to the station so grateful to have that even and then it's like a three hour train to lisbon then it was like the airport then load

of trains back back it was just one of those things where i also had to get to the airport really early because there's like one train every four hours from this town i'd rather get there really early though so i did oh my god i will not rush i will not rush i'd rather kick about in an airport for for weeks to be honest so i pretty much was kicking about in an airport for weeks yeah no that's nice i like that oh god but there was nothing to eat like it was just one of those oh that's places yeah it was actually not a God. But there was nothing to eat. Like, it was just one of those places. Oh, that's sad. Yeah, that's sad.

It was actually not a bad day, but there was not a moment to record. No, which is understandable. Never, never, never. So we're doing this really early because then I've got my final writing class in a bit. Final. I know. I'm really sad to leave it, but God, what a time it's been. Are you going to keep in touch with the other middle-aged women?

Yeah, I think so. You should. Yeah, I've learned a lot from them yeah i bet yeah my writing definitely will have improved from this the best people to learn from yeah maybe in life is just great so well that's kind of the middle-aged woman iconic pretty iconic can't wait hopefully one day we'll grow up to be middle-aged women fingers crossed fingers crossed even old age would be nice yeah i'm so sorry how are you in your throat i'm fine but as soon as i sat down to speak to you it's like all of a sudden my throat is like closing over but it's fine but there's really you know when you're talking and it's like there's something ongoing like yeah this i'm talking but in here there's something's happening kind of when you have something in your eye and it's like everything's

fine but my day is ruined but i'm completely like i'm not here i'm not present no i i'm just literally i'm just touching my eye yeah i'm good i'm excited to speak about this we were kind of like going over what we were going to speak about just now do you want to kind of go into it we're talking about feeling a little bit unsure a little bit lost a little bit where am i going directionless we know the drill we really do know that drill also one of the most normal feelings to feel in the world but also i feel like the inherent in the idea that you are lost is the idea that everybody else is not. Everyone is found. Everyone knows where they are.

Everyone's on track and you kind of alone are lost. So why do we forget that it's like the most universal thing? Like I'll be clicking on this like I'm sure I'm lost. Click, click, click, click, click straight away. Yeah. So why do I feel like I'm lost click click click click click straight away yeah so why do I feel like I'm the only one I think as well sometimes when you're not necessarily feeling lost you forget it's like you've how many times you felt lost in life it's just sometimes we shine more of a light on it do

you know what I mean it's like you felt like this a few months ago sometimes it's romantic oh I think it should be yeah it should be ideally that's the easiest way through I think it should be. Yeah, it should be. Ideally. That's the easiest way through, I think. Spice it up. A bit of romance. Oh, 100%. Just give it a story. Give it a story. Uh-huh.

You're a girl in her 20s, in her 30s, whatever. Teenage girl who is lost. She's struggling. She's going through the trials and tribulations of navigating her life. Is it almost a bit like Justice for Main Character syndrome vibes it's a bit was that syndrome is that what they called it uh main character you're thinking lucky girl syndrome syndrome i am yes which is a not a nice thing to syndrome syndrome what were the incredibles syndrome god yeah it's a bit crazy it's like if i came up with a new thing i probably wouldn't reach for the word syndrome i wouldn't i really would personally but then i do like when people

make things an illness like you know mention itis it's like that is fun to make it but itis is so we're on different levels itis is you know fun and games yeah syndrome is like god we need to have a sit down conversation about this yeah but why did you do that anyway yeah it's a bit main character it's almost ideology but it's not it's like main character phenomenon main character mindset yeah it's something mine character my oh what sorry what am i saying germany mine camp what the hell should we just start let's start fresh okay so i think most often i feel lost and then occasionally i don't necessarily feel like oh i'm found now i just don't even with her

yeah i'm just not even conscious of the absence of feeling lost it's kind of what is that thing like positive reinforcement or whatever it's like taking a paracetamol to take away your headache the effect you don't notice that it's worked yeah you don't notice the benefit the benefit isn't something is added it's something negative is taken away and i feel like how often in life do you sit back kick back and relax and go you know what i think i'm just found these days i think i'm just right on track probably not enough no not enough or it just doesn't come as naturally doesn't come as easily or you wouldn't put those words on it even i think no because it would be insane to be like i think i'm just found i'm but we've definitely been like i'm going through a phase where i feel aligned right now i feel aligned to like i mean we do

put weird we probably would say we would say found yeah no i think i might we sort of do i think there are um periods of that where it's like okay i, I feel aligned right now. But they almost don't hit as much as the negative does. When you feel lost, oh my God. World ending. Yes. World ending. And I think... Is it attached to like...

Oh, sorry, go on. No, no, no, go. Well, no, it's just attached to huge things like I'm a failure. I'm not good enough. Yeah. I've let myself down. All that sort of oh my god quite scary stuff it's really not good yeah we also kind of touched on just before we started recording the idea of like or something that i've been thinking about is that when something good or bad or just when you're feeling a certain kind of way in your life you're feeling

some sort of phenomenon some sort of syndrome is happening yeah you're in it and it was say for example it's something good like you just had a big achievement at work or whatever something's going on something good happened to you you'll get you know some praise but it's really if you're lucky it's your responsibility no one's going to sit you down and be like seven wing you did so good with the blah blah blah it's like it's really your responsibility to hold yourself down and be like i am going to feel good tonight i'm going to do this let's i'm arranging a drinks to celebrate how good i am i'm gonna do it like give yourself the praise because waiting around for someone else to like recognize and validate your feelings is not gonna happen not gonna happen and if it does happen you're still not gonna be happy about it like it just it's never gonna feel like enough nobody's coming harry also even if they do come even if

james potter come work his way out of the woodwork oh my god somebody's come to say to you um you oh you did a good job there yeah that'd be nice nothing hits nothing hits no i talk can't penetrate your shit your fucking arm everything i once desired from others i give to myself now now if your teacher says to you, or your boss, whatever the hell, says your parents... You'll feel good for half a fucking hour

and then by tomorrow you'll be grinding on to the next thing. Yeah, but sometimes it's like, oh, it won't even... I won't even feel it because if you don't feel the pride in yourself... I was having a thought the other day. This was probably about six months ago and I don't know if I... I actually think I disagree with myself on this thought but I was sort of thinking like I don't

know I couldn't think of a time where I felt proud of myself I was like god I actually could I I think I you know I think of so many now yeah at the time I was like god I don't think I know that emotion of really being like I feel so proud of myself and it was one of those things where I was like god I don't think I know that emotion of really being like I feel so proud of myself and it was one of those things where I was like that's a fucking issue like I don't think we are told really like it's not a thing that you almost are told to value your own pride in yourself you're told to value steps up in this way or um someone else giving you pat on the back gold star yes you did a good job there but the feeling of like feeling inside yourself oh I am proud of that thing and what's what I sort of came to was like I think the thing I that I can't access is that I'm not

necessarily proud of the things that are the quote-unquote best things I've done yeah in my life like I've done cool things in my life I'll be the first to say it of course yeah and I'm not necessarily most proud of those things but the things that I really do feel I like I find pride at a difficult emotion to access on those things but when I think like when I'm proud of myself when I really feel that it will be like when I've reassured someone when I've like looked after someone that's crying or when I have said the um said the thing that led to something or you know it will be something that like no one else could praise me for that yes and kind of the thing of like generally I think we have an issue with most of us or a lot of us feeling really comfortable in our own like mediocrity or like lack of success so when something tangibly impressive or good an achievement whatever when

something good happens to us there's such a discomfort that comes with that because you don't know how to act when you're doing well in life like you're so comfortable with being shit with things going wrong so comfortable in not feeling so great not doing so well feeling like you're behind feeling like you're falling short that when things actually go right for you you actually don't know how to act you don't know how to feel and you don't know how to process that so then feeling proud of something you've done is like a whole other ball game it's like i can barely process the fact that this thing has gone well for me let alone like feel tangibly proud almost because the blueprint of how to act when something's gone well is maybe you get 30 seconds of an email goes around that said you did a good job and you get a few messages well well done well done you did a good thing or yeah you just get a

few moments of it and then it's that's over now like that is the blueprint is and never ever speak of it again if you bring it up again bragging get over it yeah that's what you did one good thing yeah boring only be good in these like small margins of like it can it can be good it can be maybe great but it can't ever be like excellent it can always wendy's small frosty is the ultimate summer refreshment and not because it's cool and creamy and made with fresh canadian dairy it's also refreshingly cheap just 99 cents until july 14th it's a treat for you and your wallet acas powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Owen Ever. I'm Lane Kaplan-Levinson. And this is a field guide to gay animals.

A podcast about queerness in the natural world. The animal kingdom is queer and we are a part. Find a field guide to gay animals on Spotify, Apple. Or wherever you get your podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere a cast.com is be like it has to be in these small things of of good well also that makes sense yeah because it has to fit into almost the boundary that other people will place on you of how much your success makes them feel uncomfortable or frustrated or um threatened like everyone loves to kind of give a

pat on the back for yeah 30 seconds for something good for something good oh good for you i can handle that cut to tomorrow back in squalor you go back in your fucking box and no one else is going to encourage you to own the good things that you've done and i think taking like if you get ever a chance to celebrate yourself something you've done something you believe in something you've achieved fucking take it otherwise it's all for fucking nothing it will come and it will go and you'll be moving on and before you know it it will be on to the next fucking thing and you haven't felt it you haven't felt a thing i also think with feeling it something we've spoken about so many fucking times like when something good would happen we

would say can you feel that or like are you feeling that like can you feel that or like how are you feeling in that and i think something i've learned over the years is like when something good happens it doesn't necessarily feel how you thought it might feel it doesn't feel like yeah there's a big tick there's a big check mark over your life now and everything's fixed and shiny and you're in lover era and everything's beautiful and like pink and blue skies it's like your life is still how it was five seconds ago yeah and you're in a feeling that is probably quite surreal like i feel like the word that i attach to it now is surreal because i don't have a good enough perspective or a good enough awareness or a good enough sense of processing something good happening to me it doesn't feel like one thing it just feels surreal it feels slightly out of reach it feels

slightly kind of no blueprint there's no blueprint for that but that doesn't mean that it's wrong or that there's something wrong with you or that it's meaningless sometimes it just doesn't feel how you thought it was gonna feel i think that's been a huge lesson for us throughout the podcast that was one of the first things that we really learned i think like that we couldn't have really learned from anything else other than it got it going well really yes is that i we i think we almost both had this weird idea that yeah oh to be people that have a podcast with however many downloads we had at the time about to hit four mil by the way thanks about to hit four million probably this month or maybe next yeah next month oh no what no yeah not this month

because like the 28th of march but it will be april i think april depending on how um how much you guys have got going on i don't know because we've not got a busy few weeks ahead yeah no we really really want to get okay should i maybe source that do you remember that one that i sent you yes should i try and find who that was and see if should we do that i would love that you know i mean i should pull my finger out and actually like organize a cake it should be well i mean it's a bit of a it's a whole thing to organize isn't it cake i've never organized a cake other than asking my housemate to bake that last one that we got yeah but that was iconic that was it was so good it was that was just for life yeah no that was

because we didn't get any awards oh that was because we lost that was really bitter that was a bitter move for us we didn't even get nominated yeah because we paid like 100 quid or something to enter it so i don't have that kind of money lying we paid like 100 quid or something to enter it. So I don't have that kind of money lying around at that point. It's 30 quid per category. And what did we enter? I thought we were a shoo-in. Yeah, no.

Oh God, it was bad. I thought we had it in the bag and then we didn't get any. So we were just like, fuck this, we'll have a cake. And eat it. Yeah, go on. What were you going to say? And eat it. Yeah.

I think like even from the very beginning when it was like, okay, we've hit, say, what did we hit fucking a hundred hundred thousand downloads great number beautiful number i think almost we had an image before we started of like oh okay so once we have a hundred like when we're on 10 downloads okay say we had a hundred thousand downloads yeah we you'll be a different person yeah god it's a yeah you picture i'll be different i won't be me getting that like you picture yourself as all these girls that you've seen with that before or like you know you just suddenly oh i'm a star i won't be me anymore yeah everything about me

will be fixed and i will be different yeah but you're not you're the same old shitty old you yeah and then when you're going everywhere old shitty old you yeah and you're going everywhere with yourself it's like i'm not going anywhere it's always me like you move to california but it's just a state of mind everywhere you go you take yourself that's not a lie what's that the word for like when there's a goal and it's like a false goal and it keeps moving like the goalpost keeps moving but it's that thing oh it's like a carrot on a stick but i don't know what the word is we've said it a hundred times before but it's that thing it's like a bit of a paradox where it's like there's this goal arrival fallacy arrival fallacy you think when you get there things will be different if i just had this then everything would be okay

or if i just got that one thing then things would be so i would be so happy and i could never complain about x y and z again no no no no catch you tomorrow complaining as you should by the way but things will not be different just because one thing is fixed oh my god do you know what i heard yeah my absolute queen of this moment she's been queen of my mind for quite a while now ever since her book came out but jeanette mccurdy jeanette mccurdy how did i know you were gonna say jeanette mccurdy before you said about the book even when you said queen of my life at the moment yeah i know but who isn't i don't know i don't i do not hear enough people talking about jeanette mccurdy no neither go on she had her moment when the book came out i'm glad my mom died amazing incredible incredible book yeah um but i'm not seeing her girl you know i'm

not seeing james potter come out of the fucking woodwork and ride for her like so jeanette mccurdy yeah let's talk about it she's yes she's incredible she is actually she her podcast she's got a podcast called hard feelings um which is actually over now um but it was just like a short sort of thing that she did where she's just like monologuing into the microphone so good and she was saying i just thought i said oh my god and i've just been thinking about this since i listen to every episode on a car journey the other day 15 minute things but it was a real like god i cannot get enough of her yeah and she said she's allowed to complain as long as she's not complaining about the same thing she was complaining about a year ago oh okay i was like okay okay that's interesting an interesting thing

because she was like i need to know that i am growing and changing and moving and i was really thinking about it um and i think i complained about loads of the same things that i complained about 20 years ago okay but what if things are lifelong problems then what well i think that's not complaining that's like you're unpacking your trauma your life yeah but like you're allowed to have like a moan and like oh my god i hate hate of course this thing blah blah as long as it's not the thing that you were kind of bitching about a year ago and i kind of have been thinking about things that i would be like complaining about a year ago and it's like yeah different issues actually so such different issues i also think i would even add to jeanette mccurdy hope she doesn't mind. I would say, or not even add,

but like I think my angle, my thing with that complaining, a real legitimate complain. I just, I think so much in life. I know it's so annoying. I just think like if you're moaning, so valid and I would never invalidate someone for being annoyed about something X, Y and Z.

But I think have an intentional moan, have an intentional complain because i think when you get into to be honest the habit of moaning and complaining about bitching about i'm bitching which is sexist word but you know let's use it becoming like a bitter and jaded and honestly bleak and miserable person who just their kind of go-to um behavior a go-to habit is just to complain and i think you reinforce something really damaging like in yourself in your sense of self in your relationships in the way that you view your own life that it's because i think i don't know i just feel like that was one of my things like growing up i feel like i watched

like as a child i definitely grew up in an environment where adults around me were just bitching because that's all they knew what to do like they just they would just moan about things just that's that's almost and i think it's the british way it's yeah i'll show you this is the way yeah it is this is the way you just moan about things and i think anyone i think sometimes you can stick out like a sore thumb like especially in england like if you say like oh my god this x y and z is so nice or like i'm really just giving positive feedback to something is a bit like jarring i think for a lot of people in england or just it's just it can be a lot i think to get your head around i think definitely in our generation of like english or

like british people you're in the uk there's such a culture of speaking really negatively almost by accident it's like before you know it you've just said like the craziest bond almost it's totally how you bond and it's just kind of what you do when you're not doing anything else like oh americans come twiddle their thumbs and we slag off the neighbors like it's just genuinely it's so inherent in the culture and that's not like i i just think it's it can be really sad and horrible and i think growing out of that is something that i think a lot of people in our generation doing but i think when you're kind of complaining or moaning and without intention and you're just kind of doing it by accident and just kind of before you know it you've said like the most hurtful thing

about somebody or yourself for your own life yeah yeah I think it's something to be aware of no I completely agree with that because there is a there are so many reasons to complain like there's so many reasons to as we said it's bonding it is often funny as long as it's not really at somebody's expense it is venting it's processing it's kind of talking about your life working things out looking for solutions blah blah blah until it's not so until it becomes cruel sort of self um hating what's the word almost like you're self-telling like you're telling self-report yeah you're reporting to everyone that you're an arsehole your innards your innards are showing you're careful i can see you're in careful there and they're not pretty

yeah they're not looking good they're not pure right now it's bad faith no it is bad faith you're not in alignment you're lost you're looking lost actually which is okay it so is okay it so is okay oh i just want everyone to be like you're not that bad i promise absolutely not you're good in fact yeah you're good in fact but don't take it from us. Take it from yourself. So true. So true. But if you can't get there, then we will be hit. Then we'll get there and it might hit for like a few minutes. Yeah, just for a second or two. Yeah.

All right. Look, there's something in there. Yeah, I think that's good. Okay, good. Good. Definitely like a wake up with us. Genuinely. I have woken up through the course of this.

Good, good, good. Have fun at your writing. Huh? Have fun at your writing. have fun at your writing oh thank you of course I'm excited to see how it's gonna end because also I was supposed to in Portugal write my 1500 word uh thing for my assessment and I haven't done it so so what are you gonna do write it in the next few days it's due on the 5th oh no it's not due today oh no yeah i thought it was due like in half an hour i was like jesus you're living i'd be absolutely screwed yeah you would literally be fucked okay perfect um lots of love everybody lots of love i suddenly can't hear you lots of love lots of love lots of love and um see you around maybe let us know like what you want to hear from

us next yeah it'd be good to use that little box on spotify i love i check it so often so do i maybe should i change the default question to what should we talk about next yeah i do love getting the praise so i love getting praise but almost let's maybe let's mix it up praise us as well maybe praise us on Spotify and then go over to Instagram and TikTok and that's where you should tell us what to talk about next that probably makes more sense right okay yeah I'm up for whatever in any format that you want to praise us all right cool bye kids right see you later if you don't hear from us I see you later if you don't hear from us assume the worst you wendy's small frosty is the ultimate summer refreshment. And not because it's cool and creamy and made with fresh Canadian dairy.

It's also refreshingly cheap. Just 99 cents until July 14th. It's a treat for you and your wallet.