Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #25 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 6, 2020

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What's happening guys, it's Adam here. Just a quick word from our sponsors before we kick off today's episode. That is Beer52.com Beer52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. They're number one, baby! And they'll send you some amazing beers every month and you can rate and review them via their website to earn points and rewards. Now, every month's beers that you get sent will have a brand new theme.

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favour pause the pod here go and do that now and then enjoy the episode Nice one See you in a bit Fucking did it in one take bro Yeah man

Okie dokie Picking up okie Good morning Jump seekers Oh my god Ok it's happening Catch me outside How about that

Is that Dave No There's no uncle Dave here Ok Who the fuck is that guy Have you never seen me before Upset me Nasty bitch It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like podcasting. Two mics, two lids, and a lot of time on their hands. This is Have a Word. Shut down dailies.

Let's get through this mess together. That was the longest setup we've ever had. We've ever had. Ever. I'm in a bad mood. Yeah, it's just annoying. Tech stuff is annoying. And you're probably still on go over

from two days ago. Let's go. Everyone's like, you're right. It's like, Jesus Christ. I wasn't that fucking pissed i wasn't like slurring like oh my god i'm so fucking drunk i'd have like two beers and i've always been a bit of a lightweight but i'm not that lightweight i think what people were worried about is though that that was recorded at like two in the afternoon and i think they thought you carried

on drinking into the night did you stop or did you carry on? That was quite a late record though, wasn't it? We started, I think I had my first little beer at four o'clock. I think I had my last beer at sort of seven and went to bed about 8.30. So pretty crazy one. Such a nun. This guy, this guy. Didn't even finish the second Australia

did you know how many drinks did you have I had three halves basically in three hours you're such a fucking pussy we're sponsored by a beer company you can't be telling people you drink half a pint

every hour mate I wasn't well mate it was i wasn't drinking like it was my stag do i was just having some beverages on the pot as soon as i finished the pod i kind of lost the interest in in the boozing because then you just you're coming out and it's tea time in a family home like i i loved the daytime drinking i genuinely think it's one of my favorite drinkings but as long as you stay in the bubble of where you're drinking because i don't know if you've ever done this when you've done daytime drinking and then it's finished early and then all of a sudden you've got to get the bus home with like commuters and it's six and you're like

and everyone's got like briefcases and they look like they hate the live you're like all right you love music i fucking love music and uh yeah there's something quite sobering about like having to do bath time with your child like daddy why are you crying shut up shut up just do bath time it's just it's the bath water i'm not crying like i don't know so yeah i was loving the bubble i think next saturday we should make it end of our podcasting week we should make saturday our little let's have a little pint on the pod you want me to get drunk with you on the pod okay well i don't know if we'll be able to replicate the magic of me being a bit half cut but i mean people loved it

didn't they which is a bit offensive after a while when everyone's like oh my god dan you're so funny drunk i'm like what shit what am i like sober yeah you're fine sober you're fine sober defo get beer 52 did you ever did you ever used to go to the Matthew Street Festival in Liverpool did you ever come to that no so the Matthew Street Festival in Liverpool

is the only time I can relate to going home that drunk on the bus with commuters so it was a weekend long festival that was all over the city of lift bill but like focused on matthew streets and it would just be musicians like imagine the edinburgh festival but instead of comedy in every pub in the city there's musicians on all day from like noon until

four in the morning and you could they lift the street drinking laws so for that weekend it doesn't run anymore you could drink on the street legally, just all over the city centre. Fucking plastic everywhere. I started going to that when I was about 13, 14 and just getting fucking hammered. And I'd be just rotten drunk, 13-year-old kid getting the 10A bus back with some pensioners

being to Iceland. I'm like i'm fucking all right judith let's let's have a party on the bus you know you know you you know it's gone wrong when you're actually in iceland fucking pissed because your wife's like i will pick you up from your drinking because i'm finished at work at six and i'll come and get you at six but we do have to go to Sainsbury's. That's when the daytime drinking is really going to sting you. You're in there going, love, love, I've got fucking oven chips, two for one.

You've got to cook them first, dickhead. Cook them first. Come back here. Come on, me and the kids are going to go and play on the Postman Pat ride. We're not here with our children. Dickhead, come back. They're not your kids. You're stealing children

for an adventure. Come on. Yeah, that's a dangerous game to play, isn't it? But then again, it's dangerous when you're still fucking going at night and you're the guy that's out where everyone else got out at 7.30pm and you got out at midday because you've been

day drinking. You've got to call it at some point sensible, haven't you? You can't be like, and I'm still here at one in the morning because you'll die. Well, you say that but I'm not your age yet so I'm just a fucking nightmare. I just keep going. What was the youngest you ever drank?

Proper 14 maybe. Around 14. What? Yeah. proper 14 maybe for around 14 you flat yeah the game by then um he's retired actually he's just got a nice house in the cotswolds by 15 i've got a story for you right this this is true so um for any of our listeners who've not seen me before i've got quite a bad lazy eye now. I won't go into too much detail about it. If you want to find out the full details, there's some stand... So, for anyone listening,

the have a word sign that was on the wall just fell off and squatted me on the head. It's not funny. It's not funny. It's not funny. I'm laughing at, with you, not at you. I mean...

Are we going without the side, mate? Go on, can you get it back up? Oh, that looked good. Nailed it. Fucking nailed it, mate. One hand as well. Anyway, fuck me, I've got a headache. got a headache so honestly we heavier than it looks we need to get this podcast really growing and getting bigger and people are like why so you

can do more content well no we're already doing six episodes a week and i tell you for now we'll never do fucking this many it's too much because we've got a headache and we're 10 minutes into the podcast but oh to just have a producer let's be like guys what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna sit down and do all the fucking tech stuff you can sit down and tell your bullshit stories about matthew street day drinking iceland sainsbury's and i'll fucking screw the sign in what about that yeah i'll make sure the sign's not fucking health and safety i will pay someone 25 grand a year at this point to make sure that fucking

sign is screwed in. That's literally how Adam, you're back in your safe place now. Please go. So I've got a lazy eye and it was, it's essentially a lazy eyelid. My left eyelid droops too low or it certainly did when I was a kid and I had an operation to put a muscle

out of my leg, out of my thigh, into my eyelid, which led to the nickname thigh eye at school. Now, you can go and watch some stand-up about that if you're into that sort of stuff. But one of the side effects of doing that is my left eye stays open a bit when I go to sleep.

Now, when I was a kid, I was quite... You didn't know that? I didn't know that. You didn't know that? Yeah, oh, maybe for one night stands, it's fucking crazy getting rid of them. I've had girls try to leave their own homes. The beast, it doesn't sleep properly. Let me tell you this story.

So when I was a kid, I was really embarrassed by that. I didn't tell anyone about it at all. I knew it happened to me. I'd dry out a. So when I was a kid, I was really embarrassed by that. I didn't tell anyone about it at all. I knew it happened to me. I'd dry out a bit sometimes when I was asleep. It's one of the complications of the operation anyway, right? One night, I asked my mum, could me and some of me mates camp in the back garden? So we just put a four-man tent in our back garden

and had a little camping night, right? So it was me. We made Tom, we made Bernard, and we made another lad called Adam. And we got, there was a local smackhead. There was a fellow who was, who lived in our streets.

He had about 12 kids and him and his wife were smackheads. Just common knowledge. Dead sound people just had a smack problem, right? Like lovely for smack heads. He would go and get you anything from the off license. If you give him a quid, right?

How irresponsible was that off license? Like, here he is again. God, this cunt gets through a lot of hooch. So he'd put a one pound like levy or tax on each item but he'd go and

get it for you so what me and me mates did we said we'd camp in the back garden and we had like a every house on

our streets had like an entry you know like an alleyway right we all had our own one of them to keep our bins in and shit

and we went and seen Tony the smacker which is full title I'm laughing because I can see you looking at me like this is the most ridiculous thing

I haven't told you a single lie I swear on my mother's grave no wonder you were drinking before the age of 14 just to get through the fucking neighbours so we asked them to go and get us some Frosty Jack's white cider like a bottle each and we gave them an extra quid so it was like a five at a bottle

how old were you? 12, 13, 14 something like that not like too young but young young enough that you need the most cider the strongest alcohol content for the least money

that like oh it's a fucking two liter vat but it's okay it's 3.99 so tony was told go to shop get us our cider and uh leave it in the entry leave it in the alleyway and we'll come and get it from there that way my mom doesn't have to know that we've gone anywhere as far as she's concerned we're just in the garden. And one of us just has to nick into the entry, get the alcohol, she'll never know any difference. Mate, you invented the drop-off before social distancing was invented.

You fuckers invented contactless delivery. You're so ahead of your time. It was the original Just Eat. You weren't bothered about a virus. You didn't want to get squatted off your ma. Original justice. You weren't bothered about a virus. You didn't want to get squatted off your ma.

So we drank a lot of cider, like all of it, and were fucking hammered, and I passed out, right? Now, I've told you on the podcast before, once I'm asleep, I'm asleep, especially when I'm 13 years old and full of fucking 8% cider, right? So I'm gone. I'm passed out, gone to the world. And me mates had never seen me asleep before.

Now, when someone's asleep with one of their eyes open, it looks to the untrained person that they might be dead, right? So my mate Tom, who's... You've got to remember, all me mates are all the same age as me and they're all absolutely hammered as well Tom is crying his eyes out because he thinks I'm dead

so not like laughing he's like we fucking killed Adam what are we gonna win in this back garden we're fucking they're slapping me face and everything I'm not waking up

at all they're just beating the shit out of me and I'm just I'm gone so the boys have a little conversation I missed all of this obviously just beating the shit out of me and I'm just I'm gone so the boys have a little conversation, I missed all of this obviously because I'm passed out and

in the end Tom was like we've got to go and tell his mum, maybe if they get him to the hospital soon they'll be able to save him, maybe he's not dead, maybe he's just in a coma so he goes and he bangs on the back door, he's like Anne Anne, Anne Anne please come, so my mum! Anne! Anne, please come!

So my mum gets out of bed. This is late now. This is really, really late. And she comes down. So she's pleased. She's really pleased. Yeah. But, you know, like,

because I've got a bad eye, you get brought up and you're getting bullied for it because obviously kids are cunts. But your mum and your dad are all like, it's a special eye. It's an amazing eye.

We wouldn't change your eye for the world. We love your eye. This is the best eye on the planet. Why would you want two normal eyes? This means it's special. You know, the proper parent, she was great for that. But this is three o'clock in the morning

and she's just been awoken from her sleep. Okay. So Tom is panicked as fuck. While he's at the patio door, Bernard and the other Adam have managed to wake me up. So I'm now semi-conscious in the tent, right? And I hear Tom go to

my mum, and we're really sorry, right? We're really, really sorry. I've got to tell you, I told you that we were just going to, we told you we just wanted to camp in the back garden, but really, we wanted to have a bevy, right? We wanted to have a drink, so we got Tony the smackhead to go to the shop for us, he's got us some cider and he's

brought it, we picked it up from the entry and we drank it all and I really don't, there's no nice way for me to tell you this Anne but I'm pretty sure that Adam's dead right and my mum goes, what? what the fuck do you mean Adam's dead? and he goes, well he's in there

and he's passed out but his left eye is open and it's like Adam's dead? And he goes, well, he's in there and he's passed out, but his left eye's open and it's like he's dead. I mean, mum, I swear to God, this is a direct quote and I heard it from the tent. Oh, don't worry about that. That's just his stupid fucking eye. Anro, giving zero fucks at 3am. She's just pissed off off don't worry about that

it's a stupid fucking eye then you just hear a fucking French window bang this whole facade that my parents had painted for me just falling away you're special it's magic, it's a superpower it's a stupid eye and it, this is stupid.

And, you know, people listening to that will obviously, who didn't, you know, get brought up in Dovey in the early noughties, I think they'll be like, wow, the smack head bit, that's going to take you aback. And then just like how much you drank as a child, as a minor. And I think that's going to be a bit shocking to a lot of people. Your mum's disregard for your feelings when she's talking about what is essentially, you know as a child, as a minor, and I think that's going to be a bit shocking to a lot of people. Your mum's disregard for your feelings when she's talking about what is essentially a disability.

I think it's still going to be the most gobsmacking thing is that you had a childhood friend called Bernard. We've already spoken about this. I know. If you've not heard that episode, that is still going to be like, oh, shit, yeah, Adam's got a childhood friend called Bernard. He was, you're all drinking

fucking cheap cider and he just had a pint of mild on the go and a fucking pipe. Did I tell you on the last episode that the TV show Bernard's Watch was based on Bernard, my mate? Stop being silly. You're a silly person. Stop being a silly person.

I'm not drunk now, sir. I think that's a fucking great story we should uh we should i don't really look irresponsible but i'd love to do one of the saturday lock-in uh podcasts drinking the kind of shite that kids drink on the streets like diamond white and oh that's so funny let's do that this week you can select some white let's have some cider and black but like the nasty stuff that if you spill it on a car someone's gonna have to get a whole paint job redone look at my bonnet you dickhead frosty jacks is the one i remember and you put black currants in it that's what we drank you'd get a three liter bottle for like three or four quid, plus the extra

quid obviously for Tony the Smackhead. Carlsberg Special Brew is the one that I always remember. Specky Brew. Did you drink that as a child? No. I watched more manly children drink it. You know like when everyone was getting,

I'll get eight tinnies and then someone would be like, no, fuck that. I'm just going to get three specky brews. It works way better. And you're like, oh, my God. That was off limits for us. Was that too far? Even Tony the Smackhead was like, hey, lads, listen, I do smack and I've got 12 kids, but fuck, you know,

you don't want to put that shit in your system. That shit will fucking kill you have some self respect does anyone want some crack cocaine I mean I've got no teeth but I'm not a fucking not an idiot

yeah specky brew I mean Carlsberg special brew is something else and it's like 4 times the price of any other Carlsberg and 6 times stronger. Have you smelled it? Oh. It's like someone spilled turpentine and wine and lager all in. Oh, it's horrible.

It smells like, do you know when you have a house party and the next day you hung over so you're too tired and you don't clean anything up, and then there's the third day, right? And that's when you're going to tidy the house and you find a can of lager that's been open

for two and a half days and you smell it. That's what Carlsberg special brew smells like the second you open it. That's great. Have you ever seen, have you ever seen

now as an adult? Yeah, that's it. They just open a can of Carlsberg and leave it for tramps to piss in and then fucking seal it up again and charge an extra two quid. Carlsberg just going around every pub going, end of the night,

don't fucking throw that stuff out. We've got the Carlsberg special. Carlsberg drip tray. The special brew. Why is it special? Because anyone who drinks it's fucking special oh brutal i see when you see adults in shops like now buying it you're like oh sir are you okay what went wrong just get someone less for buying like a machine gun, a white nerdy kid from a high school in America

buying a machine gun gives me less worry than a fucking 25-year-old man ordering four special brews. Can we get a specky brew? Can we get a specky brew for Saturday? Just one each. I can't drink that shit, lad. No, I know I can't, but I think it'd be funny listening to you try and drink it i'll get one but then i know you don't have to get more than one i'm not like get four it'll be they'll be on offer

oh if everyone only ever buys one it's not a fucking, yeah, I've got nine. It's ten. I've got ten of them. So, yeah, maybe not. Maybe just a cheap cider then. We'll rename Saturdays instead of the shutdown daily. Saturday is the lockdown lock-in. The lockdown lock-in. Look at you with the brand. Oh, that's up there with Beaver Dam, that. The lockdown lock-in with Adam Rowan, Dan Nightingale.

Sponsored by BF52, Doc. I think we've got to drink some BF52. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck. I'm not sure BF52 do Carlsberg Special Brew. I'm just literally about five minutes ago going, we really need a producer to help stick the sign up and we need a producer. How are we going to do that?

We need sponsors. How are we going to piss them off? Drinking Carlsberg? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. Fucking idiots. And we're not expecting... Have a word. Podcast is sponsored by Carlsberg Special Brew.

Let's crack on with this fucking nonsense. Now it's time for Would You Rather with your favourite morons, Adam and Dan. Okay, have you got some curation? I have got some curation. We have had a tonne of would-you-rathers and I have got them on my email.

Just two seconds. Would you rather? Would you rather? Would you rather do this or rather do that? That's not a bad one, is it? It's terrible. Full credit must go to Jade. Jade, come on. Oh, it's terrible full credit must go to Jade Jade come on oh it's brilliant I like Jade

this um this seems pertinent this is just totally by this is just how this has happened Barry Parsons has emailed us would you rather if you had to lose one would you rather lose alcohol

or the internet and I think he means specifically during the shutdown. So say it's another month, two months, three months. What do you reckon? Would you rather lose alcohol or the internet? I'd rather lose alcohol. Yeah. I think because I haven't had that much alcohol since we've been shut down.

I've had a couple of beers like two or three nights. But that's it. alcohol since we've been shut down about a couple of beers like two or three nights um but that's it whereas like i'm on the internet fucking all day every day without the internet we can't do this we can't do this you can't watch netflix you can't use porn you knew it was going to be high up my priority list like i can't whatsapp my family oh shit i should have said that before porn i'm getting to the point now with porn, to be honest with you, where the porn can't match my depraved fantasies, so I'm having to use my imagination.

Oh, you're fully going imagination now, are you? Yeah, yeah, at the minute. Is your imagination in 5G? Because that's exciting, isn't it? If it's really sped up, like if it's as fast as internet porn, that's amazing. The clarity on the picture of my imagination is phenomenal. the picture of my imagination sometimes your imagination wangs buffer no i want i wander off that's that's worse than buffering dan's brains on dial-up dial-up imagination dan can't imagine porn porn if Laura's imagining something else in another room.

Babe, stop thinking about what you want for your birthday. I'm trying to crank one out. I honestly, I think your commitment to imagination wax is phenomenal. I just don't trust myself to not start thinking about like oh fuck i've got to do that in the garden and then it's just not as sexy is it so have you got adhd yeah who gets halfway through a wank and starts thinking about fucking bushes hey adam with an accidental shitbush joke. Everyone listening went,

turns out fucking that special bruise needed. We need a little bit of a kick for the fucking gags. Eh, bushes? No, the porn, losing the porn would be hard. The internet, it's a difficult one because a lot of people listening are going, it's easy to go, no, mate, you can't lose alcohol. But I mean, it literally pretty much goes air, internet, and then everything else, doesn't it?

Air, food, internet, and then I reckon everything else is just an option. Yeah, you can't lose the internet at the minute. And even in general, I think I'd lose booze before I lose the internet. Even if we weren't shut down. down like i could live without alcohol i hope that's that's most people otherwise you you got a problem motherfucker loads of my mates have been speaking to me going how you doing all right i'm like yeah yeah i'm like oh i am we're out we're drinking a little bit too much i'm like yeah because it's hard, isn't it? You're at home. I said to Jade, in my house,

so I told you ages ago, I sort of collect alcohol. I've got loads of rare whiskeys and some really good stuff. I said to Jade, the temptation at the minute to just go and crack that cabinet open and just get fucking hammered every night of the week is just, it's ridiculous. Because there's nothing else to do. All I do is play FIFA

have murder with Jade and make up. You add booze into that and no one's better for it really. People are like no I need booze but it's not going to make your arguments are going to get more dangerous your FIFA's going to get sloppy. I think I'm going to have a couple of beers tonight and play FIFA, and then I'm going to wait till the weekend

and then get fucked with you on the pod. I'm going to get drunk as well. Right. I'm doing spirits and shit. Okay. Right. But you can't start drinking before the pod. I don't want you to start like,

I'm just showing over to Tony the Smackhead. He's going to be our first guest. Come on, Tony. Yeah, I know, lads. Yeah'm just showing over to Tony the Smackhead. He's going to be our first guest. Come on, Tony. Y'all know lads, y'all know. Because of the syllables, Tony the Smackhead is so similar to Tony the Tiger and I can't keep that up my head.

Try this, kids. It's great. Does he think it's great or is he having a seizure? Smackheads do growl as well. It's one of the many things they have in common with tigers. That's how much of a pussy I am. Never mind talking about fucking heroin and Carlsberg special brew.

Honestly, for me to have Frosties is a real treat. That's when you're on holiday, isn't it? Cornflakes is like normal. Frosties is a real treat just i mean that that's when you're on holiday in it cornflakes is like normal frosties is like who am i i'm just so dangerous no i'm a crunchy nut man me that's a lot of sugar with your fucking cereal boy yeah i only have i have either crunchy nuts coho pops or cheerios all right cheerios is not so bad i was about to rinse you for fucking having the most diabetic ridden fucking breakfast.

Just snort a pop tart and off you go. Do you drink tea? No, I'm not a tea man. I'm not a tea or coffee man. You don't like hot drinks, do you? I was going to say, do you have sugar? That's where a lot of my sugar comes from, is me tea. I have two. I've tried so many times to

cut back but I just can't do it also I'm drinking uh a drink here a pepsi liar no we're trying to get them to fucking sponsor us you daft cunts it's pepsi isn't it what am I drinking Dan mate if they're at minute 27 of this fucking pod 29 of this podcast I'll be really impressed like pepsi really doing their due diligence on the Have A Word podcast. Guys, we're about to sponsor them and I'm not bothered about the continuous wanking references but I think he was drinking

a cherry coke at one point. It's disgusting. Hang on. Do you honestly drink alcohol and play FIFA? Is that not I mean, does that not hinder you? I don't normally do it. But I've got nothing else to do in the night at the minute. No, but I know you take

FIFA seriously, don't you? So is it not seen as a bit of a hindrance? No. I mean, it would if I got drunk. But I'm not... If I have two or three beers, you'd never know I'd had a drink. Yeah, same with me, mate. Same with not like if I have two or three beers you'd never know I'd had a drink yeah same with me mate same with me

if I have a beer and a half you'd never even know you'd never even know are you sure are you sure episode 24 seagulls are pedos goodnight

and I wasn't even trying to be funny I was like they're fucking mean when you called seagulls horrible cunts, I laughed about that for like three days, you know. Horrible cunts, aren't they? It's the first time you've said that word on a podcast, I think. We've got a Would You Rather from Sharni.

Ah, fucking Sharni. Okay. Siani. Can I read it, Scouse? Can I read it Scouse can I read it Scouse I mean I feel like you're going to do it anyway oh don't you pull that face when I listen to your fucking singing

you can listen do what you want Daniel talk in the accent that you want I don't mind you do you and I'll do me we do a podcast largely for free do what you want do what you want do what you want fairly fancy a special brew um this is from shani i'm not i'm refusing to to sing to read it scouse because i just feel like we have so many listeners from, you know, talky, dovey,

the noggy dogs. Don't want to piss them off. So, Sharni writes... I think we're well past that. I'm going to read it as a trained actor, but I'm going to read the words as they... Sharni, I are... Got to let yous know,

the pod is really keeping me up, my morale up during this lockdown with the stress of all this uncertainty. Anyway, would you rather be given £250,000, but if you take it, then the person you hate the most in the world would receive £300,000, or would you rather just not either of you get any money? I honestly love how Sharni's head works. That is the same.

I fucking love it because you know, I will never know, you'll never know, but she knows exactly which twat she's thinking about when she's writing that would you rather. She's like, I know the bell end in my life that pisses me right off. 250 grand for you you but you know that cunt's got 300 or fuck you you get nothing but i get nothing but i i'm pleased because you don't get 50 grand more than me would you rather adam um trying to think of who I hate the most. No, I'd take the money.

Yeah. Yeah? I'd take the money. Yeah. I would take the money because I think... I'm going to Dickinson's Real Deal you. Oh, shit. Here we go.

Go on. I had £300,000 down. All right. Bobby Dazzler. That's a good impression, isn't it? It is a really good impression. I have £300,000. That's all right.

Bobby Dazzler. That's right. impression, isn't it? It is a really good impression. I have 300,000... That's all right, Bobby Dazzler. That's right. I've got a little deal for you here. I'm David Dickinson, right? So, I offered you 250. You said you'd take it. Now, what if I take it down 200? No, no.

250. No, put their money up. You still get 250 grand, but your enemy gets 500,000. See, you're going in the wrong direction here. Right, because you just want 250 grand. I'm not arsed about them enough to turn 250 grand down. Or 10 grand, I'd go, fuck that.

Right. 50 grand I know exactly who it is in my head it took me about 0.5 seconds to think who it is and I'd still take I'd take 250 grand

like you I'd take it let them have 300 grand 100 grand to me 300 to them yeah 100 grand that's life-changing money like this isn't fucking about think of all the special bro you could get yeah i'd say yeah it's it's got to be lower hasn't it old david dickinson's got to do the evil thing and go lower with what he's offering. I think 20 grand I'd still take.

20 grand and they're getting 300? Yeah, because I'm not asked. I don't think you hate this person enough. Do I know the person you hate? Do I know? I do, don't I? I know exactly who it is. I do know, person you hate? Do I know? I do, don't I? I know exactly who it is. And do you know, don't I?

That's who you were thinking of? That's so fucking funny. I'm gutted we can't tell our listeners who that is. It's a really good one 50 grand to you Adam 50 grand to you and the person you don't like gets a million I couldn't do it I literally couldn't do it

I couldn't do it because if they bought a fucking comedy club and lorded it over me my 50 grand wouldn't be enough no 50 grand I't be enough. No, 50 grand I'd still take. And they can have as much as you want. Do you know what?

I think that speaks well to you because it means you don't hate someone enough. Yeah. I don't hate someone enough. And I'm thinking of someone. It's a comic as well. I can't really think of anyone I hate more than this person. Which means it's not a man. Oh, Shawnee.

I love how your mind works. I love how your fucking mind works, bro. I reckon 20 grand, my low ceiling. Anything over 20, I'd take. Anything below it, I'd be like, I'm not sure. 20 grand, my low ceiling. Anything over 20, I'd take. Anything below it, I'd be like, I'm not sure. 20 grand, change your life. 15, I'd get 50. But a million goes to them,

and they've got a chance to not just change their life, but fuck with yours. If they get a million, are they going to be... I can avoid them, can't I? I can delete them off Facebook. I can block them on Twitter and Instagram. I've done that with everyone anyway. I don't see them having that good life.

So in my head, they're still fucking begging for gigs. Do you know what's funny? And this is actually a semi-serious point. If you listen to the story of our life, mine is a bit milquetoast compared to yours of course we've got the we've can always play the dead mum cards you've got a dead mum i've got a dead mum so that makes us look i'm like we're better than yours though isn't she my mum's more dead than yours is oh yeah yeah mine's only three quarters dead she's really selfish like that. She's still a quarter alive. Like, it's not on a ventilator.

What? What do you mean? I don't know. I don't know. Your ma's not as dead as my ma. I just said it. Sorry, what? Just trying to stop you and your tracks

and it worked the fucking truth. I've seen your brain gone. What's he on about? I was like, I don't understand what you mean. My mum's better at being dead than your mum. Cancer counts. Cancer's still a good death.

Cancer's a fucking pussyhole's death, mate. Cancer can take anyone, though. My mum committed to it and killed herself with alcohol, okay? Your mum just waited for the disease to get her. My mum gave herself one. That was... That sort of sums up what I mean

your Jesus Christ I think even our most hardened listeners just went ooh that was fucking bleak even someone even someone drinking special brew would not right now be going I feel bad for that boy what happened in your head

I've got a bleak have a word that I forgot about because it got sent to instagram i'm gonna do that today right okay let's really lean into this darkness but i i really think my chat my childhood and upbringing was a little bit more vanilla than yours you've you sound like you've had fucking neighbors called tony the smack head we've got to essentially a similar point in life where we're making a decent living off comedy i mean you got there in about four and a half minutes mine mine took a wee bit longer but you you are quite you're quite i don't know you're one with the world more than me i don't know if that's the age thing like weirdly i'm an old man about certain things but the people that

piss me off have had longer to really dig the fucking annoying, like, fingernails under my... Do you know what I mean? Well, do you know what it is? Just to get serious for a minute. So, I know a lot of comedians listen to this, and specifically a lot of newer comedians listen to this. Now, one of the reasons I'm not really particularly bitter

is because for a while I really, really, really was. Now, you made a joke there and said I got where I am in comedy quite quick. Initially, it didn't feel like that. So I started stand-up in 2010. And when I first started, I was doing really well. You helped me out a lot at the start. You put me in touch with bookers of big clubs and stuff and was like, look, this guy's new, but he's going to be good.

Mate, I compared a night in Chester 8-9 years ago you're the only open spot and I've compared a lot you're the only new act I've ever seen nearly get an encore you got an encore doing a fucking 10 minute open spot yeah

I walked straight on I knew you were good straight from the off because I was like that's the first time I've ever seen that I'm not saying that was happening to you at every gig but that was fucking noteworthy yeah it was a really really really

good gig and you did a lot for me off the back of that but even after that there was a few people that I started at the same time as who were getting gigs that I went. And every time I gigged with them, I was at least as good as them.

So it was driving me fucking mad. And I was always like, why the fuck are they getting that? When I was better than him last week, why the fuck is that happening? Why is that happening? Why is that happening? And it was through listening to sort of the American podcasts and stuff where you hear people

like Kevin Hart and Bill Baird and people like that talk about a very similar thing at the start and they go, you just have to realise what other people are doing, especially in an art form as insular and personal as comedy. Someone else getting gigs before you doesn't fucking matter.

It sounds wanky but they're on a completely different journey and trajectory to you and you just have to get used to going, it doesn't fucking matter. It sounds wanky, but they're on a completely different journey and trajectory to you. And you just have to get used to going, it doesn't matter. And the people I'm talking about, I've overtaken them now. Because it's not about getting gigs within your first six months. It's about becoming as good a comic

as you can possibly be. And when I started to try and have that attitude, at first it felt so sort of jarring with who I actually am because I'm a very, very competitive person. So I was like, I want to compete with it, but it doesn't matter. And I had to sort of manually in my own brain go, it's nothing to do with you, just be happy for them.

And now it's second nature to me. It's first nature to me. If one of my mates tells me they've got it and I haven't got, I'm so happy for them. Yeah, because you've had some success and it's a healthy, it's just a healthy survival mechanism to go, oh, I'm running my own race. Look where you do.

On some things you'll get ahead. Someone will catch you up. Someone will come up from nowhere and like, look at you like four years ago, five years ago, you weren't headlining clubs. Some comics who I've been headlining clubs some comics who i've been headlining clubs for a while some comics feel very threatened by people coming up and like being too good to support and being headlined i'm all for not just you for anyone who's ready to headline

needs to be moved to headline because that was do you remember that gig two years ago about a year and a half two years ago the frog for some reason a half, two years ago. The Frog, for some reason, the sound tech at The Frog, Colin, just was like, I don't know what it was. He was like, Madam's not, ooh, I'm just not sure he's ready to headline. And I gigged with you that I had to follow you. Oh, my God. And I just literally, I got annoyed. And it wasn't because I was particularly trying to help your career.

I was like, why is this guy? I know, like, we're mates, but I was like, get him off the fucking middle spot. He's a headliner. He should be headlining. I don't feel threatened by anyone coming up because it means I've got to still be good. And anyone who's up there headlining

who's like, oh God, I don't want anyone being progressed to headliner because then maybe I'll not get work. It's because they know, secretly, they're not good enough. So they either have to work harder or just get with it. Work harder, you'll be fine. What I notice is comics at your

level, who are one of the best comics in the country and have headlined for a while, they don't get nervous about young comics like me coming through because the way I look at it, Ray, is if a comedy club has got 52 weeks a year, right, let's say 50

just so it's a round number and you take a week off for Christmas or whatever, right? There's 50 weekends a year where they need a headliner for three nights. So that means there's 50 headline spots available and let's say every headliner gets to do it twice, there's actually only 25, right? If a new guy

gets to start headlining, i. i.e me as long as you're not the 25th best headliner you're not going to lose any fucking work if you're in the top five you're not losing any work because you're still you're not bothered about a new headliner all it does is make your job easier because you're not following someone good enough to headline who's in the easiest spot in the bill which is the middle yeah and also all comedy clubs being great is in my interest it's in your interest like you want everyone to do well you want you you always want yourself to do slightly better but i want the best acts in the headline spot i want i want circuit comedy to flourish i've never felt threatened by that and that's because run your own race. Just run your own race.

Don't worry looking across. It's very easy to do when you're starting out in comedy because you're so obsessed. You're like, and this probably goes for every career. When you're insecure because you've not had the validation, it's very easy to get annoyed about someone else. Oh, God, they've got an agent. Oh, fuck, how did they get that big job?

Why have they got that promotion? I should be getting that promotion. You learn, especially when you get a bit of success yourself you go ah i just need to run my own race because i'm in my track i need to work hard because you're losing energy bitching about other people doing fucking long facebooks about why it's bullshit like all that energy could have been spent writing a fucking bit of material do you know what did more for my mental health on this sort of subject than anything else in the world was when bill bear told me that he picked me so when i opened for bill which i've mentioned a couple of times and i'll talk about it forever because i fucking love it um i got that gig

because bill Bear's UK tour promoter is Live Nation. At the time they were also my tour promoter. And what they do is, when he's not bringing one of his American mates over to do the tour support, they essentially send him five options and go, here's five of the acts we're also touring at a lower level

to you. We think these five would all be suitable to open for you. You choose which one you want. Now, I just assumed his agent would do that. His manager would go, we'll have that guy. Throw a dart at the ball. We're not asked. We know you think these guys are good. Whatever.

When I did the first night of the tour, I come off stage and I hadn't met him yet because he got there after I went on. I went in the dressing room and I said look Bill I listen to your podcast a lot Mason I know you don't take compliments particularly well and I don't want to do this at the end of it

I just want to let you know now big deal for me this you're literally my favourite comic and it's an honour to do these five shows with you and he went oh don't worry about it man I got them five options I watched all five and you were my favorite by a mile, so I just demanded that it was you that got it.

That, in my mind, the best comic alive at the minute and in the conversation for the best comic of all time telling me that he thinks I'm a great stand-up. I was like, no one else's opinions matter anymore. There's no reviewer who can go three stars and it gets me because I'm like, Bill Baer thinks I'm great, so you can shove your fucking media degree up your twat. I'm not arsed.

Do you know what I mean? That's the bit of validation that you've got to... To me, there's no higher authority than him and people like him. So I'm like, if he thinks I'm good, then I'm good. End of story. And you sold 1 sold 1300 tickets in Liverpool

at the Arena Auditorium yeah but the shit comics you sell a lot of tickets yeah that's true and I asked if you wanted to do a podcast together so that must have been that was a similar feeling very similar level one of the best in the world, one of the best from Preston

that's pretty much the same but someone who you think is great telling you they think you're great is that's a stamp in it and that that was enough for me so and i think i really sort of yeah sorry mate i was just i just really sort of from that moment on really it really sort of boosted my i do not give a fuck attitude more than it ever did with anything else I think it shows as well I remember when you were coming up and you were so earnest and trying and sometimes you can try and force it too much I think you give off the air of a man who knows he's good

and he's getting on with it and I think once you free yourself of that you don't like there's probably a way of being you need a bit of drive't you? You need targets to set and go for it. But you give off the air of a man who's, like, happy with where he's at and knows he's good, and that's, it's a positive. Well, it's about how you channel your drive, because, like, the way I try and look at it is, I want, my goal now is to do my own show

at the Royal Albert Hall, right? I want to to do my own show at the Royal Albert Hall. Right? I want to do my own headline show at the Royal Albert Hall, my show. Get back to where I opened for him and go, look, I've got here now. But if I don't get there, I might get somewhere else, which is still pretty amazing. And I've come to

recognise that if I do what I do now, apart from like during shutdown, but I mean, if my career plateaus and I stay exactly where I am, would I be happy? And the answer is absolutely yeah. I get to do some amazing shows. I get to do some small tour shows.

I adore comedy clubs. There's very, very few people who have a life as comfortable with a job they love as much as what I've got. So if I don't get anywhere else, I feel like I've already made it. But there is an element of like, if you don't have those targets i've i've it's a case study your career is a case study of the industry you're in i've watched loads of all the comics and gone what has gone wrong for you because you were top

dog on the circuit and i have i've got as good as you and then got better than you and now you're falling down you're out of the top 25 you're a championship you're not a headliner you're not in the headline premier league you're in the championship middle support headline smaller clubs and I watch them and I think it's because if you are not moving towards something it's like being a shark isn't it I remember Freddie Quinn once said that about you've got to be moving forward otherwise you die like a shark and i i think it's i think it's true if you just go oh i've got here now i'm at this level and i'm fine the lack of momentum means you stop you start dropping and whatever whatever you need to make i think people slag off older comics who've been going a while doing edinburgh like what's the point you're like because for them it gives them something to work towards

even if it's just generating momentum for yourself to keep being creative there's nothing wrong with that to just keep going to set yourself and i've set my sights i want to support you at the royal albert hall that's my goal you know so i've set my targets and i'm just i'm i'm gonna live that dream you'll be the shark and i'll be one of them little weird fish swimming next to you going shall we do an episode of the podcast adam you're like what's a no lad there's a bit on tom segura's new special uh sort of on the subject where he says he is very rare for tom segura to be earnest and honest on stage but he says, someone told me something a while ago which I think is bang on

which is as long as you accept that your dream might not end up exactly how you imagine it to be, you'll still be fulfilled by pursuing it it's the pursuit that fulfills you, not the actual getting there, and I think that's so

right, and I think a lot of those older comics who are really bitter and they've been relegated down a couple of leagues of where they are on the bill and stuff it's because they set a they set a target and they're fuming they've watched their mates become famous and they're like why wasn't that me

the way I let go of it they've never been able to do that they've never been able to go that. They've never been able to go, what? And they can't, their ego, comics have an ego, we have to, because we walk into a room full of 200 people and grab a mic and make, we're the only ones allowed to talk. You have to,

I think there's a Johnny Vegas quote, which is to be a comedian, what you're saying is I'm so funny, you should have to pay to listen to what I've got to say. That's every comedian. That's not abrasive comedians. That's not comedians who present a confident persona. Even the meek, oh, I don't know anything about women,

and oh, my dad's a man's man, but I'm not. Even those comics are making that statement by getting on stage in the first place. And I forgot where I've gone with it. But I tell you what, it was a great journey. Do you know what? We didn't get to the point, but I really enjoyed the journey. The older comics, they've still got that ego.

And they can't let it go. They're protecting that ego by going, I should have made it. It's like, well, what did you do? I've played the comedy clubs for years. Why haven't I been on Live at the Apollo? Because the guy who books it isn't going to Nottingham Jonglers. Yeah, because she didn't do anything different.

The absolute, the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So when those comics, and this is, again, any industry, whatever, if you're a musician, blah, blah, being like, well, I've been good for years. I've been doing Nottingham Jonglers.

I've been doing... Did you do anything else? As the internet sprung up around you, as Edinburgh was there, as different festivals was there, as people were writing one-man shows and using different parts of those, they were writing books, did you think about doing anything different or still just bashing out the same 25? No, just did the same 25.

Well, fuck off then, mate. What did you expect? Bore off. Bore off. That's my biggest book burn. No way. Come on, Spun. And if you'd like to see...

What's the whole comedy club? If you'd like to see someone dead behind the eyes, Nottingham Jonglers is closed, but if you'd like to see some upcoming talent and people who give a shit because they're swimming forwards like a shark, visit Vauxhall Comedy Club. What a great segue, Adam.

We're getting very professional. Adam, I think you're honestly, you're one of the best people. I think you're one of the best. We're so good, aren't we? Aren't we great? I think you're one of the top two people on this podcast't we aren't we great I think you're one of the top two people on this podcast

alright me too I reckon I am as well it's time to give some love to one of our sponsors the original gangster sponsor Voxhall Comedy Club is proud to present

bottomless booze comedy every Friday and Saturday night coming back some point soon hopefully possibly this frankly bonkers offer gives you 90 minutes of comedy from Top Circuit and TV Comics, as well as 90

minutes of bottomless booze from just £25. That's bottomless beer, wine, cider and hand sanitizer for just £25. Spirit and Mixer bottomless tickets start at £35 and entry only tickets for the straight laced purist start at £10. Vauxhall Comedy Club

is normally open Monday to Saturday and is also right next to Vauxhall Street Food Gardens. Loads of really good street food vendors. That's open Monday till Friday. Please, for the love of God, don't visit them for the foreseeable future. But instead, follow them on social media and sign up to the mailing list and then they'll announce their triumphant return. Hopefully fucking soon.

The mailing list is voxhallcomedyclub.com and the socials at voxhallcomedyclub on Instagram, is voxhallcomedyclub.com and the socials at voxhallcomedyclub on Instagram, at voxhallcomedy on Twitter, voxhallcomedyclub on Facebook. The show is 18+, no ID, no entry, and we operate a challenge 25-door policy. What up? For when you need a laugh post-apocalypse,

choose Voxhall Comedy. It's time for Have a Word with dan and adam oh fuck you i moved my name around um that's me getting competitive oh shit come on um it's it's the patreon episode we have to do the shout out today don't we so once we're done with the have a word bit i'll uh i'll have to do the shout out today don't we so once we're done with the have a word bit I'll have to get the list up and do it then because I haven't got it up yet the producer list oh yeah

so yeah this is the episode where we shout out our our Patreon £10 legends now if anyone hasn't signed up to the Patreon so far and you're waiting to do it never been a better time than right now £10 legends. Now, if anyone hasn't signed up to the Patreon so far and you're waiting to do it, never been a better time than right now.

If you don't know our Patreon, we actually basically give us a few quid every month to help us sort of get through the shutdown and to produce as much content as we are for you. And we're very, very grateful. You can sign up for £3, £5, £10. And if you sign up for £10, you're officially a producer of the podcast. And at the end of today's episode, every single Monday, we read a full list of our producers. But even if you can only afford the quid, you're officially a producer of the podcast. And at the end of today's episode, every single Monday, we do list,

we read a full list of our producers. Um, but even if you can only afford the three quid or the five quids, you just as important to us, it would just take us six fucking months to read everyone's name out. Everyone that signs up to the Patreon, uh, at this point,

and there will be a cutoff for this eventually, won't there? But everyone that signs up, uh, for the, uh, patron at this point is getting, uh, some everyone that signs up for the Patreon at this point is getting some form of free ticket

for the thank you show that we're going to put on post-shutdown. We're going to do a big thank you show at the end of the shutdown for all of our Patreons. That's going to probably be in Liverpool. We will add some other dates as well once we're allowed to do that. But big thank you show, and if you are one of our Patreons,

you'll get a free ticket for that if you sign up for three quid, and if if you are one of our patrons, you'll get a free ticket for that if you sign up for three quid. And if you sign up for five or 10, you'll get two free tickets. That's going to be an amazing show. We're probably going to cut that off, that offer off at the end of April, I think. Yeah, I think, yeah.

And I think we're going to have to rejig how we do things from that point because we can't have a permanent free ticket thank you offer. Because say the shutdown lasts till july it's impossible to do a thank you show with 2 000 free tickets it's just not possible like because the venue will be like yeah brilliant so what we do is we take this amount of the door and we'll be like there isn't a door it's the thank you show they'll be like all right well then fuck off morons alright, okay but once we do sort of

remove that offer, there will still be some massive benefits to being a patron, there's going to be we'll talk about this towards the end of the month but we're going to rejig the patron a bit and if you are a patron, you're going to be very happy with the extra content and the offers you get on merch and stuff like that

but that's all for slightly further down the line being a patron at this point anyone who's signed up so far I know it gets a bit tedious and tiresome when we say this so often it almost sounds redundant because we say it that often we're so grateful, we can't tell you

how much easier you're making our lives at the minute and if you want to join the team and become one of the lids a word as original then go to patreon.com slash have a word pod it's p-a-t-r-e-o-n dot com slash have a word pod and as i said that my sign has fell down again listen if you sign up to the patreon you're massively helping us out financially. If you can't afford it, we get it. Just tell a friend, spread the word, do a tweet, do a Facebook. If you can't afford the three, the five, the ten, it's

a lifeboat for us financially, but it also is the start of the ball rolling on this podcast, getting bigger, eventually becoming a YouTube channel, growing, and we're hoping to get to the point in the near future, we've not just got a producer but also a sign in Adam's studio

that actually stays on the fucking wall so it's the dream isn't it it's just the dream oh we got some plans for this motherfucker it's going to be big right should we have a word shall we have a word yes mate okay

so I've got to go to my instagram to get this first one up because i forgot about this um so there's just a little message for everyone i will forget about things if you send them directly to me on instagram and twitter get them into the email have a word pod at gmail.com but try your best to come through the email for everything it really is going to become important. This is going to have to stay anonymous, but apparently the guy who is the target

of the have a word does sometimes listen to this podcast. Oh, I like it. So, all right, lads. I need you to have a word with me, dad. Right? He's an absolute bellend. He left when I was a kid a million times.

He kept coming back, ruining me mum's life, breaking her heart and breaking mine and me brothers' and sisters' hearts. There's three of us. He was never really there for us. And now that we're adults and he doesn't have to pay any fucking money to keep us fucking alive

because we've all got jobs, he now wants to get in touch. He keeps making fake profiles to message me. I keep blocking every profile he makes on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram and he won't stop. Now, I've posted a few times and said that I listen to the

Have A Weird Podcast and as a result, he started listening to it as well. I don't want you to name him. He knows exactly who he is. There won't be anyone else on this, but I need you to tell him to fuck off. Have a word with him. I don't want anything to do with him. Please tell me dad to never message me again. He's an

absolute rat. Me mum was me dad. He needs to go fuck himself. Cha! Upset me! Nasty bitch! I told you it was dark, baby! Oh my god! upset me nasty bitch I told you it was dark baby oh my god I feel used but in the most

phenomenal way how amazing is a podcast that basically we've been used by a listener as a vessel to tell their dad to fuck off. We are the new Jeremy Kyle. There's a gap in the market.

Oh, my God. As someone who has suffered at the hands of a bit of a broken family and a bit of a ropey relationship with my dad, which is fine, which is all right now. I'm not really speaking to my step-mom. I haven't spoken to my step-mom for three years. there was a point in my childhood when it was ropey we did enough there back in the day to keep it going but i'll tell you what about dad my dad at the time financially he never missed a payment or any of that stuff and you know like when when we were young he did pay for stuff

that is so important. Like, we had a ropey relationship, but he wasn't like, oh, no, I've got fucking, I've got to spend money on Frosty Jack. Like, at least he did that. The sliminess of being like, oh, no, do I need child support? Fucking no, mate. And then as soon as everyone's 18, like, all right,

can we have a relationship? Happy birthday to you. Awful. Happy birthday to you that is char nasty bitch oh i don't like that yeah horrible isn't it if dad's listening swivel lad fucking swivel get gone no one wants to hear from you you're fucking're fucking begging i think family people get away with absolute murder don't they through your life for being like well we are blood and i and talking about the people that piss you off after sharni's would you rather and like you being very much like do you know what i just don't i've run my own race and i've i'm at one with that for me what

i'm finding is the worst thing you can do is keep people in your life that are bad for you. It doesn't matter. I'm not saying they're the worst person in the world or you genuinely hate them or anything, but if someone pisses you off, just like we went to school together, it's my cousin, blah-de-blah. There's so many good people in the world. You've got so much time to share. Just cut out the dickheads. Just delete the morons

even if it's your dad cousin old best friend if they're a cancer in your existence get rid free up the space to do things you want or spend time with people you like i think this shutdown is going to do that for a lot of people you know i think people coming out of the shutdown are going to get texts from like mates going oh my my God, shutdown's over. Should we go and do something? I'm going to be like, do you know what? I haven't missed you at all. Uh,

no, I'm just going to block your number. I would say who you remember to ring and who you remember to text. Some people are like, Oh God, yeah, we're going to be mates. Look,

I, I'm not a dad yet. I will be at some point. I want kids. Don't hide from that. Absolutely. You're all in on it. But look, people do break up. You can have a broken family. Parents should not stay together just for

the sake of the kids. It's actually negatively affects the kids long term. It's a really bad idea. You can break up and be like, you know what? I can't be with her anymore. We've got to be there for your kids and you can't just be fucking off until everything's free. So yeah, if you're listening to this, Anonymous is dad. You're a bellend. We don't like you. You're not welcome. If you're a patron, unsigned, you're not welcome at the live show. Mate, he's definitely not a patron, is he?

If you've not paid for your kids, you're not signing up for Patreon. How funny would that be if he's fucking dodged child support for 20 odd years and then he's like do you know what i really like this podcast i love the fact that they've used a podcast to tell someone to fuck off my uh my brother-in-law who's staying with us at the moment uh one of his mates got dumped by a guy absolutely out of

nowhere they were seeing each other for like two months, really intensely. And the lad just ghosted him instantly. No response. So Sam's mate was like, what? I thought I was in love with this guy. Started messaging him, trying to get through. He was blocked on everything, literally blocked on WhatsApp's that blocked his foot he couldn't get a message through to him do you know the only way he got a message through to say what the fuck is going on he bought his face he put no every blocked on everything he put a pound in his bank account and you know in the pound you can write a message as a reference from who the pounds come from so he backs on his online banking a pound into the guy's account and in the reference went what the fuck has happened like where are you literally oh god and you know what this guy did the guy got i mean how much

you've got to feel that when you get a pound, the saddest pound you can ever receive is someone going, please just give me some form of human contact. This is the only thing you can't block is me backs in a pound to you. Next day, he sent the pound back with no message. Of course he did. That's fucking bleak. He never sent a pound. Who was that?

Was that Sam's mate? Sam's mate was the one who sent the pound. He's a knobhead. He's a creep. Take the fucking hint, lad. No, I'm sorry. Sam's mate is a fucking worm. How creepy have you got to be

to be like, he's blocking on absolutely everything. I'm just wondering what's going on. What's the matter? I need to know what I've done. You fucking weird gobshite. What are you doing? I sent him a pound.

You know what? You're the one who's always on about closure. That's him trying to be... It's a really creative way of getting closure, isn't it? No. Do you know what closure is? Getting blocked on everything. That is a massive bit of closure. That's closure in itself. Go fuck yourself.

I don't want to talk to you. Oh, no wonder he got ghosted. I bet you he is a clingy, creepy, weird fuck. I'm telling you right now. He's someone texting a hundred times a day, multiple texts when he's not getting replies. He is a needy bellend. That's what he is.

That is one of the creepiest fucking things I've ever heard I think I'd say what I sent him a pound with a message wow wow do you know oh my god

this is me Christopher Walken wow too much no he can't be doing that no he doesn't want to talk to you wow This is me, Christopher Walken. Have I told you that I'm the Christopher Walken? Wow. Too much. No. You can't be doing that. No. He doesn't want to talk to you. Wow.

That's an amazing Christopher Walken. And this lad's gay. Who does that? You're actually camping Christopher Walken up quite well. Who does that? No. You can't be. This watch is your birthright.

Your father had his watch up his ass. You can't be sending pounds just to get a message through. Take the hint. He doesn't want to know you. He doesn't want to know you. What if the dad is a patron and he turns up to the thank you show not to see us? I'm well past talking about his dad. His dad's a bellend.

What if his dad turns up at the patron thank you live show? What if the patron and he turns up at the live show and he's like yeah i'm not really bothered i signed up just so i might see my son at the thank you show oh it's so tragic send him a quid lad send him a quid here's two quid back oh my god i think inadvertently we found a way for to solve this so dad if you're listening, add up how much you owe in child support, send that via a bank transfer, and put your message on that.

Sorry, lad. Here's 32 grand worth of 20 years in child support. Now, would you like to go to the wacky warehouse? I want to pick up where we left off. Happy meal? 27! Oh, he sent him a pound. You're disgusted with that, aren't you? I wish you told me that on Saturday

because I think I need a full 48 hours to comprehend that before we can do a podcast again. I think it's really creative stalking though, isn't it? It's noncy it is it's creepy it is weird it is weird you've convinced me that it's weird i felt sorry for him because because it was sam's mate he was like oh god isn't it bad the suffering i was like yeah as soon as you heard it went fuck off i was like what a waste of a quid i feel sorry for the guy who he's been messaging? Just trying to fucking...

Just trying to ghost. No, come on. You've dated people for a short amount of time and been like, this is not for me. Yeah. And they're a bit fucking mental. Yeah, but when I was dating,

it was a different era. You know, when I ghosted a girl, you know, they'd send a telegram. She'd send you a check. Send a check, telegram, agram. She'd send you a check. Send a check, telegram, a pigeon. She'd send you a check. The telegram rider would turn up on a horse and be like, Sir, sir, you have a telegram.

Like, ignore it. Send a parchment. Trying to fuck that bitch off. Send a very mean score. Dear sir. Dear sir or madam. Thou hast ghosted thee. Oh, you're funny.

I tell you what, lad, you're funny. I think I know why Bill Burr likes you. Should we call it a POD, mate? You probably should, shouldn't we? Do you want a song? That was a fun one. Okay. So today's song is the original Head It.

Original, spelled normally, and Head It is H-E-A-D-I-T-S. All one word. This is their song Super Beautiful. They're a funk band from Manchester. Facebook.com slash original Head It is no they, sorry. And this is their song Super Beautiful. We will see you all tomorrow. And please wait around until after the song if you're one of the producers of the podcast because you're

going to get your shout out soon, baby. See you tomorrow. Appreciate the fuck out of you. What do you want, man? Give me a chance What do you need, man? Hold out your hand What do you want me? Give me a chance Why do you need me?

Hold out your hand Ain't no that you are So beautiful Ain't I know that you are Super beautiful Ain't I know that you are Super beautiful What are you for, man? Give me a chance. What do you need, man? Hold up your hand. What do you want, man? Give me a chance. Give me a chance Why do you need that?

Hold it in Ain't I know that you are Super beautiful Ain't I know that you are Super beautiful Ain't I wrong that you are Super beautiful Ain't I wrong that you are

Super beautiful Ain't no girl like you are So beautiful So what do you want babe? Give me a chance What do you need babe? What do you need? What do you want, man? Give me a chance What do you need, man? Hold up your hand

What do you want, man? What do you want, man? Our list of Patreon producers are Jason Hopkins, Rebecca Thomas, Jamie Moores, Christian, Aaron Ledbetter, AJ Gregson, Alexis Bly, Anthony Doran, Anthony Jollies, Andy Wilkinson, Barney Wood, Barney Parsons, Benjamin, Jake Smith, Bunny Whitehead, Carmel, Chris Jones, Chris Townsend, Chris Watson, Kian O'Connell, Colette Hind, Damian Rock, Dan Thomas, Daniel Newman, Daniel Pugh, Daniel Gilligan, Dean Cochran, Donatello, Frank Hughes, the Frog and Booker team, George, whatever your surname is, Glenn Turner, Graham Cashel, Ian Pringle, Ian Chadwick, Jack Rush, Jack Scargill, James

Fuchs, Janet Roskell, Jennifer Ridding, Jess Yarwood, Jill Bushell, Joanne Parr, John White, Johnny Armstrong, Jordan, you haven't got a surname, Julie Smith, Kathleen Simon, Catherine Wells, Kiefer Gallagher, Kieran Gibson, Kirsty Leonard, Lee

Aitchinson, Lee Grant, Liam, whatever your surname is, Louise Grimes, Mark Hughes, Mark Cowan, Mark Hollenbach, Matt Delmaine, Matthew Rees, Michael Christopher, Mike Kivy, Mike Quirk, Mike Sullivan, Muttley, Nathan Sharricks, Owen Badman, Paul McDonald, Rachel Herron, Rachel Whiteley, Richard Palmer, Rob Bell, Rob Upton, Russell Waring, Sam Crow, Sam McGuire, Sammy Taylor, Saz Green, Scott, whatever your surname is, Stephen Theobald, Stephen D. Malone, Terry Burke, Tom Peterson, Tom Rowe, David Everson. They're our legends so far

for this week. If you do want to join this list, then please do sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod. We'll see you tomorrow, guys. Nice one for listening. See you later.