Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #31 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 13, 2020

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What's happening guys, it's Adam here. Just a quick word from our sponsors before we kick off today's episode. That is Beer52.com. Beer52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. They're number one, baby! And they'll send you some amazing beers every month and you can rate and review them via their website to earn points and rewards. Now, every month's beers that you get sent will have a brand new theme.

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See you in a bit Fucking did it in one take bro Yeah man Pokey Pokey Picking a Pokey Good morning job seekers Oh my god Okay it's happening

Catch me outside How about that Have you never seen me before Upset me Nasty bitch I'm big boned I'm heavy structured I'm hung low. If I pull

my shit out this whole room, get dark. Disgusting! It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like podcasting. Two mics, two lids, and a lot of time on their hands. This is Have A Word. Shut down dailies. Let's get through this mess together. Welcome back, motherfucker. Did you enjoy our day off? I needed it. I'm not going to say I particularly enjoyed it because it wasn't my greatest day. You know?

Do you ever feel like that with a hangover? You know when you get there like, I nearly died and my life flashed before my eyes? If it's the hangover days that flash, it's basically feeling sorry, feeling sorry for yourself, carbohydrates, Netflix. That was it. It was pretty, it was low maintenance yesterday. How was your day off? I had the biggest hangover I've had in about a year. It was fucking awful. So I drank with you on the pod,

and then once the podcast was done, I stopped for a bit. But then I had a little group chat night in with Paul Blair, Paul Smith, and who the fuck is that guy? Freddie Quinn. And we've got to talk about him in a minute. Yeah, we had a drink all night,

and then Rob Thomas joined us for a bit later on, another comedian and I drank till about 3 o'clock in the morning a combination of beer rhubarb and ginger gin and some Lagavulin 16 whiskey that's a heady combo isn't it

and then yeah so yesterday was tough I had a little break in between though I mean I got shit faced Yeah, so yesterday was tough. I had a little break in between, though. I mean, I got shit-faced twice, but I did have a break. If you'd have told me yesterday, look, right, we'll get rid of your hangover. Got a magic wand here.

But there's a caveat to it. So you'll get rid of your hangover, but you'll get coronavirus. You won't die, but you'll get it. I'd have gone, Sam, as long as you take this away from me and I have 24 hours to prepare for the coronavirus. COVID me up, baby. I was so fucked yesterday.

It was such a bad day. I moved from, like when I'm hungover, I can't get comfy in a normal spot. So like when I woke up in the morning, I just swapped ends of the bed. So like my feet were by the headboard and then later on i just went and got on the couch for a bit then i went back from the

then i i had a nap on the living room floor at one point it'd be so funny if that was how bad your hangover was was like you could work it out from where you tried to nap like fucking adam must have been really bad yesterday why because he had a nap on the front porch just outside. He needed the fresh air. People kept throwing money at him. That was the, you know,

that was the, I mean, he was hung over his foot, but he made about two pound 80, which is a bonus. I made a mistake as well. So like I ordered Chinese food. Cause when I'm hung over Chinese foods,

like a nuclear weapon to fight the hangover. And I fucking love a Chinese on a hangover. Um, so I was a hard shoulder from this place, but on the just eat thing, for some reason, Chinese food's like a nuclear weapon to fight a hangover, isn't it? I fucking love a Chinese on a hangover. So I was like, I'll just order from this place. But on the Just Eat thing, for some reason, I'd clicked collect and not deliver. Now, luckily, the place I ordered from is about 200 yards away. It's round the corner, so I was like, not a problem.

I'll just walk around and get it. I didn't really want to leave the house yesterday at all, but I was like, fuck it, I'll go. But because I was hungover and I was expecting to get something delivered to the house, I had what can best be described as only acceptable inside clothes on. Right? So,

me shorts have got like gravy stains on. There was toothpaste on me hoodie and there was a bit of toothpaste still in me beard because I'd hangover brushed my teeth and not looked at me. You know when you can't look at yourself in the mirror so you just look into the sink

as you're brushing your teeth? You're like, I can't, I just need to... Turn the lights off! I was just staring into the sink brushing my teeth and I'd left a load of toothpaste in my beard but then I hadn't looked in the mirror all fucking day so when I went round to the Chinese place I've got toothpaste on my top, gravy

on my shorts, flip flops on toothpaste in my beard and they looked at me really weird and the way they're doing it at the minute is you've got a queue outside the chibi and they shout your order like order for that nightingale coming only one person's allowed in the shop at a time

but the queue of people are looking at me like what the fuck and in my head this is how stupid because I'm hungover and occasionally I get recognised

but I thought people are like oh there's that comedian Adam Rowe that's absolutely not what they were doing they were going who's this scruffy toothpaste cunt here

who's that homeless guy that's jizzed on himself oh that's awful how he managed to shit on the front of his shorts because toothpaste and gravy is unfortunately really like not that far off from jizz and shit it's like the worst things you can spill on yourself oh dear oh dear and you know what i know i've been in i've been that hung over you like i have so the only emotion you've got is like fuck you can't do like shame of that like embarrassment doesn't come into it like that's gone all of those senses are just numb to the

fact that anyone's like going that's disgusting sort your life right like don't care need prawn toast i got prawn toast yeah because it's fucking it's chinese fish bread it's fucking greasy and it makes you feel so much better takes it takes about two months off your life every time you eat it be like it's worth it i got some chinese fish bread i got got some chicken and sweet corn hot water. I got some crispy chili beef and some noodles. Yeah. No one has ever, have you ever under-ordered when you're hungover? You're like, you're just, when you're on Just Eat, you're on Just Eat and you're like, everything you see.

They should just literally have an algorithm where they just keep showing you fatty food. Like, yeah, chips. Well, I need chips each. Like, yeah, obviously, lads. Stop looking at me. Yeah, onion rings. Yeah, bread. Yeah, fuck, I do want a curry and a kebab.

And then it just comes. And you can do damage, but you can never, you're never under order when you're hungover. That's how I order when I'm sober as well, to be honest with you. And that's how i order when i'm sober as well to be honest and that's wednesdays jade always hasn't got jade gave me a rule recently which is and i'm bad for that when i'm cooking as well like cooking too much stuff she's like from now on however much stuff you think you should cook cook exactly half of that and that'll be enough for us to have our dinner

i guarantee you every time you're a bit in the back of your head you're like but what if she's wrong and i've got half the food i need like you'll never you'll never get over that you're like it's not worth it i'd rather waste the food to not have that really disappointing me while i'm looking at her going well i'm still hungry yeah i got really pissed off yesterday because all I wanted was a proper roast dinner I forgot it was Easter Sunday and like about 10 of our fucking listeners tweeted me a picture

of a leg of lamb yesterday it was so upsetting to see them all and they look good as well like camera phones are on point at the moment it looks like you've had a professional like photo shoot for your fucking leg of lamb. Getting Andy Hollingworth into coming

with his fucking studio shots with lights and everything. Has his leg of lamb just signed with a comedy agency? He's just got his fucking... There's a leg of lamb with an off-the-curb suit jacket on. Looks like John Bishop sweating. Yeah. Get off a ladder to take a photo from above to hide your chin on your leg of lamb.

See, I don't follow any cunts that post food, but I like it that it's a callback to something in the podcast. Like when we did the sandwich challenge, I'm all in for it. When people are like messaging their leg of lamb, I'm like, absolutely fine. But when people are like,

and I made this meal, I'm like, I could give a fuck what you made. I don't want to see pictures of it. But when I know it's tormenting you, that's amazing. Could you get, I mean, this might be a stupid question. I'm not a roast guy. Are we at the point now with Just Eat where you can get a roast delivered?

You can get one from Toby Carvery. Toby Carvery's on Just Eat. Right. But you have to collect it. But you can get it delivered. Wow. But you have to collect it. But you can get it delivered. Wow. You can.

And there's a couple of other places in Liverpool as well that do like a roast dinner takeaway but like 20 minutes after a roast dinner

has been cooked and set out it's over. Right. Yeah. So it's really a bad way to have a roast dinner.

If you're going to have a roast dinner you just need to accept the fact you've got to cook it yourself from scratch. Right. Is it just me? This sounds a little bit, like, weirdly post-Brexit xenophobic, but I think if you do deliver, like, roasts,

I don't think it should be someone who isn't... I think it should be, like, from an old woman called Bev or something. I really don't think it should be a girl going old woman called bev or something i really don't think it should be a google hello here's your uh the rust of fucking i don't want that there's nothing wrong with that they can deliver every other type of food but a roast dinner a sunday roast should delivered like from an angry working class woman who's from two streets from where you're from like yeah right i made the grain myself thank you sandra you grumpy bitch

i'm doing contactless delivery i'll leave it on the end of the fucking road meet me halfway i'd want that i'd really want it i don't i don't want to sound edl but i want i want my roast dinner delivered by a big fat white woman and you just if you order one and like I don't know pick a name turns up and he's like no I deliver for all I've just did this is I pick from restaurants I not belong to any restaurant

no thank you Imran bag it up bag it up on you go take it back I'd like Janine to deliver I don't want it from deliver it I'm sure you make a perfectly good roast but I want the annoyed look

of a dinner lady as she passes me over just take it touch my hand contactless you fucking wuss imagine if you could be that compartmentalised racist

yeah if it worked like that but they can live here I don't care if they do come and steal the jobs. They can have as many benefits as they like. They can have all the kids. They can take over the schools. I'm happy to live under Sharia law. I don't give a fuck, mate.

But they're not bringing me my Sunday roast. But a Yorkshire pudding will be made by someone from Yorkshire. What about the Asian community in Bradford? No, fuck that. That's not what I mean. You knew what I mean. No fucking twist words. Yeah.

Is it just me or would that be a niche where, you know, like a lot of hipster restaurants have gone so cool and everything's on slate and everything. Could it go full circle and it would be actually appealing to buy shit off like angry dinner ladies all your mum's age and above like it like instead of like oh my god yeah we do it ironically do it

like ironic ironically so it's like it is just bev phyllis sandra janine all in fucking tabards with stains on and they treat you like shit oh i, I'd love it. Dinner ladies. I think what you're asking for there is a pub, innit? I think I've just described. Weatherspoons, haven't I? Yeah, you have. I think I've just described. A local, non-affiliated pub. So it's a non-chain.

It's just a fat old landlady who bought a pub in the 70s when it was a good idea and now she's pissed off because the pub industry is on its ass. That's what you've described. She's like, yeah, fuck. There's an amazing pub like that

in Liverpool, you know. It's called the Old Post Office. It's behind Primark in the city centre. Right. It's just run by like an old Scouse woman. She's got like loads

of young Scouse staff. They do the best mixed grill you will ever have in your fucking life, mate. Put on a little sizzler plate. Will hot water be pissed off if we do another live date there? Can we do a live show of our podcast? Fucking pod what, mate?

You can have half a mild and fuck off. By the way, I'm watching the Patreon just keep tickle people are supporting us and I'm very very grateful for it obviously today's the episode where at the end we give a shout out

to all of our £10 legends by the time comedy comes back if the Patreon keeps going up the rate it is and people get more and more involved and we're going to announce some new incentives for the Patreon soon

we're not going to be able to do that thank you show of hot water because there's going to be too many people yeah we we are we are going to have to discuss a change of the there's going to have to be a cut off point because it can't just be like oh because someone could be like right i'm not signing up not signing up not signing up and then just on the last day be like i signed up where's my ticket so i think there is going to have to be a plan because we can't you can't go to a 2 000 seat venue and be like can we have it for free as a favor because we're starting a podcast like there's gonna we're gonna have to work something out should we just say thank you to the patreon like personally before adam says his bit the patreon is the

difference between the only comic the only comedian i know and obviously me and adam talk like like every fucking day through this but one of my best friends barry has got some online stuff as well and nearly every other comic i know is having a nightmare like emotionally financially they're looking into the future and it and i think it's scaring a lot of comics because yeah okay social distancing is not just going to get lifted you might be allowed out of the shutdown but they're not i'm starting to come around to what adam's been thinking i don't think they're going to be like clubs bars just straight back in and this patreon and the support everyone on this podcast is giving us is the difference between me

having a fucking midlife crisis like on on air and me feeling like yeah i'm getting to put all my energy into something i love getting to talk to you getting to keep everyone like laughing or whatever however you're enjoying it and and i can't say thank you big enough basically yeah so i appreciate everyone mental health wise and financial health wise it's a it's it saved our lives the fact that people are supporting us in this shit and we're getting so many thank you messages and stuff and i think we'll start reading some of the thank yous out just like one day a week maybe because we're getting quite a lot of them and i want to give people a shout out when they're when they're enjoying the stuff um yeah i think they deserve it but but just patreon wise if you're listening and you think oh mate lads i

know you keep saying this i I can't afford it, we understand we're in the same boat, times are tight. The people who can afford it and have put a little forward with the pledge, it's at patreon.com slash haveawordpod. And, yeah, we're going to do a live thank you show when we're all released and social distancing is eased. But it's been a massive thing for all of us and if you can if you can do it we appreciate it and going forward don't be like all right are you fine like we'd

like to build it even more because beyond where we're at now we'd like to build this pod into a different type because right now it's the it's basically audio with a few little clips on social media we want to build a YouTube channel. We want to just basically grow it so we can increase the quality of the content. Even if social distancing is only sort of eased a little bit, let's forget comedy clubs coming back, but let's say they say you can have 10 people in a room or whatever. We can then start looking at getting the studio

we want to put together at that point and take this to the next level with a proper studio we're going to get a producer involved there's going to be full episodes in video because we get a lot of people messaging us going can you not put a full episode on YouTube? We literally haven't got the facilities to do that at the minute, we haven't got the computers

or the editing skills to be able to put that together. All the time it's so time-consuming there's so much going on. We basically need to get to the point where we've got production help. Yeah, and that's on its way. People who have signed up to the Patreon so far,

you've massively helped us, and long term, you're going to get some really, really, really good benefits to be a part of the Patreon. You're going to get a lot more for your money than you currently get, so do stay on it. I know people are going to stay on anyway. People are very proud to be signing up. Like people sending us their screenshots going,

I'm in, lads, I've signed up. And that level of support is just amazing. Anyway, that's enough for now, innit? We'll give them their shout-outs at the end, innit? Yeah. Shall we do a few features? Yeah, why not? Let's do some features, pal.

Let's crack a lack on. What am I fucking... What's this crack a lack? What's happened? I'm trying to think where this has fucking come from. I've just said it. What's crack a lack in? Where the fuck is that from?

Dreadful. I'm going to stop that. Say it right now. I've charred. Char! Upset me, nasty bitch! Didn't like it. Day two of a hangover, innit?

You're feeling a bit weird. Look at mud. Mate, I just washed my neighbours car as I was doing it I was like what is going on with me what have you done why

because my wives car I did mine the other day Laura was at the shop and I was like oh fuck I'm gonna have to go and I can't have one car not clean

the other clean and then my neighbours she's called Marty she's 22 she's dead nice and she was just sat right next to Laura's car I was like Marty she's 22 she's dead nice and she was just sat right next to laura's car i was like marty do you want me to do it and she was like uh yeah and i was like as i'm asking i'm like it does seem weird like can i clean your car like everyone else

in the fucking country's like stay indoors don't don't meet anyone and i'm like anyone wants a car wash fucking idiot you know straight away she's gone in her whatsapp groups if she's a young girl and she's gone Dan the next door neighbour's cleaning me car

and every one of her mates is like he's trying to fuck you and do you know your dirty Dan from next door who tries to clean

women's cars so that he can get some puss puss do you know how sad it is that I'm at the age where that's probably

my best move game-wise? How do you get a woman nearly 40? You clean the car. Now, pay the TV licence. And it's one of these. Women love these things being ticked off a to-do list. Is that right? No.

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it's the best finish I've ever seen on a set of wheels. Their attention to detail is commendable. We add value to your car at low cost with specialist trained technicians and the latest tech and experience using the same factory manufacturing techniques as the biggest car companies. We can repair the wheels as new finish.

If you can't afford a new car because of the rona, We'll see you next time. Tire fitting and removal, well-crafted repairs and buckles, car body repairs, pickup delivery service, and insurance work. We've got a 4.7 on the old Google review. We've got five-star Facebook reviews. Find us on Facebook, Insta, or online. That is Trans Alloy Wheels Limited. Ah, thank you. Okay, boys, let's do another feature already. Right, we've got a submission for ledge of the week

this was going to be ledge of the day that was ambitious wasn't it because we only get like one of these every fucking two weeks oh what's she called i've just bloody it's uh lomax you threw fucking paper away again yeah sarah lomax i'm so sorry sarah i've literally just written your surname and not your fucking name. Like, Lomax! Like, she's just someone we went to school with. Oh, fucking Lomax! Sarah Lomax sent this in. There's a very active follower of ours on Instagram.

She doesn't really use Twitter much, Sarah, but she's constantly messaging me on Instagram, like, her favourite bits of the podcast. And my favourite thing is she's, like, I think she's caught up now, but she didn't start listening until, like, we released, like, episode 20 bits of the podcast. And my favourite thing is she's, like, I think she's caught up now, but she didn't start listening until, like, we released, like, episode 20 or something. Right, okay. So she had, like, 23 hours of stuff to catch

up on. And she was just messages going, oh my god, with then a quote that one of us said. And because I haven't listened back to them, I've got no idea what she was talking about half the time. Also, episode 20 genuinely feels like about 1995 at this point like it just feels like when people take pictures of stuff and put them on twitter like

fucking hell i can't believe you did this you're like uh that was about 40 hours of podcasting ago you gotta keep up you gotta keep up like what's gonna happen in five years when someone listens to all the shutdown dailies it's gonna going to be like a time capsule podcast-wise. Like, yeah, this is what we're all going through. And they're trying to sign up to beer52.com. By the way, that no context have a word account, the one that they picked out from you the other day. This was the entire soundbite.

And on its own, I think it might be the best sentence out of context of all time. It said, all I remember was shaving a fanny, weeing on a foot, and then watching a psycho's bumhole go out the window and thinking that bitch is going to Newcastle if that's the first thing you've heard from this podcast can you imagine how hard it is

to get your head around what could possibly be being talked about I also think if you are not a fan of my work, like as a everyone's ruffled some fucking feathers in their career. I've been going a long time 18 years of stand-up and I've pissed some people off in my

time. Not been a twat, you just can't help it. There's big characters and you end up having a few, not enemies you just rubbed up a few people. If they see that and they're like, damn, fucking Adam doing a podcast, going well, is it? Going well. And then that pops up in their Twitter.

They already don't like me. That's not going to win them over, is it? It's not going to be the one where they're like, actually, I think he is a nice guy. I say, I shaved it for me. Best of the four. What's the psycho's bumhole I say I shaved the funny pissed on the floor watch the psycho's bum hole disappear out of the window

see you at Green Man Festival everyone I have a submission for Ledge of the Week she's called Andrea Taylor Burke she runs my mental health group I've been attending since December live support group in Little Lever Bolton I was in a horrible place in december and was suicidal and i found this group and it helped me so much andrea set it up herself with no funding and held weekly meetings to help other people even though she suffers mentally herself she's just been granted lottery funding

after so long and she's putting it all into making new groups around bolton including one specifically to help children suffering with mental health conditions she's amazing and even though she suffers with severe health anxiety this is a bad time for her especially but she's still holding weekly zoom calls to help us all out so that's andrea taylor burke she is our ledge of the week if that's all right um it's not only okay but i've got a our Ledge of the Week, if that's alright. It's not only okay, but I've got a song for Ledge of the Week. Oh my god. Ready? He's been creating. Ready? What's her name?

Oh, you're actually going to... Oh my god, it's amazing. Andrea Taylor Burke. Andrea Taylor Burke. You are our Ledge of the Week. We love you. You of the week we love you you help the week that's why you are ledge of the week and adam that that rogue clap towards the start of that was one of my favorite bits of percussion i thought you were gonna start giving yourself a beat and then you just went...

And then never clapped again. The old little-known trick in music, the old one-beat song. How many beats per minute? Just one beat per song. That does... Well, there's the theme tune anyway, so... Yeah, thank you.

It's funny talking to mental health is the last few years a lot of people are way more clued into it but I'm having conversations with members of my family and like the phrase mental health is coming up with old people and you can like I've said it because I think it's important

everyone's just got to look after their mental health and my grandad basically told me to fuck off no what a lot of rubbish what a lot of mental you just get on with it you feel blue you feel blue you get on with it all right thanks granddad mental health is important isn't it and sort of being understanding of um when someone's having a bad mental health episode and accepting that their behaviour might be slightly more erratic during that time. It's very

important. But there is also some people who are just being a cunt and are trying to get out of it by saying they're having a bad time. That happens, doesn't it? Defo happens. Yeah. Yeah, totally. And I think you've got to be very careful about who you decide to be a cunt and who's not being a cunt.

Smack me car up with a hammer? The thing is, I was having a really bad day, okay? I got fired from work and it really affected my mental health and then you left your toothbrush in the sink and it triggered something in me and you can't expect me to be able to not smash your car up.

You're a fucking twat is what you are. Darren really does have anxiety problems. Well, he just punched a stranger on a Saturday night in the middle of town, so it doesn't really change the fact that he is a twat, any. Yeah, but he only broke the jaw because of his mental health issues. Couldn't give a shit. He's still a cunt. It's like how people think disabled people can't be assholes.

Okay, and now I'm going to get in the passenger seat and let Adam drive from here. Like, some disabled people are also pricks. Do you know what I mean? Like, people act as if they're holier-than-thou people who could never possibly be in the wrong because their life is harder than ours. It's not true. My mum worked with people who were mental and be in the wrong because their life is harder than ours. It's not true.

My mum worked with people who were mental and physically disabled, right? She used to be like a care worker before she, well, before she became a full-blown alcoholic and they didn't really trust us and look after anyone anymore. One time, this is true and it's funny. My mum's sister, my auntie Sue was scared of the people my mum had to care for, like I know that's very old fashioned and non PC

but this was like the 80s my auntie Sue was scared to go to the mental home that my mum worked in and my mum was like just come with me I've got to go and collect my wages and they were going out for like a meal or something to drink afterwards and she was like I don't want to go near there. I really don't like it. My mum was like, you're being

stupid. You're being crazy. Okay? They're just normal people. They've got some health problems, some mental health problems, and you're going to be absolutely fine. As soon as they walked through the door, there was a woman who ran at me auntie Sue fingering herself and went,

oh, i like you so literally these people are gonna do to her my mom's gone you're the dickhead calm the fuck down there's nothing wrong with these people and this old woman's frigging herself off in the fucking hallway oh i like you she's very affectionate she's very affectionate it's a compliment in many ways oh that's unlucky though in it that's super unlucky that the one time yeah it's funny though and another time this is the god's honest truth according to my mother okay and i've got no reason to believe him i'm lying there was a fella who would never eat his dinner.

He always was just like, I'm not eating it, I'm not eating it. And at one time, he was like, eat your dinner now or you're not going to get whatever the treat was for them later in the day. And he went, I'll fucking do exactly what I want to do and I know you've got to deal with it. And my mum swears, black and blue, that he purposefully shit himself on the spot because he knew she'd have to wipe it up. This old man just

pushed the shit out of him and was like, I'm your problem now. There were so many similarities between old people and very young children. You've been really naughty there and I know exactly what you've done and you can see their eyes like, yeah, I've been really naughty and I know exactly what you've done and you can see their eyes like

yeah I've been naughty fucking deal with that then what about that oh Jesus what an interesting tack to take after we've just done Andrew Taylor Burke as ledger of the week who helps people with mental health

basically we meandered our way to going yeah but some people are just dickheads though, aren't they? She's doing great work and I'm sure she's helping a lot of people with health anxiety and mental health issues. However, it's almost like we can't just let it lie. Like, on Have a Word, you

can't be like, Ledge of the Week and she's doing great work, but I tell you, some of them twats. They are just twats. Am I wrong? Am I wrong? I bet one of them twats they are just swats am i wrong i'm not am i wrong i bet one of them's tactically shit themselves just to prove a point you got some more stuff we got more kieran woodall now i i don't know i think this is almost like i've done this on purpose like i knew i was it, but there was a couple of questions about standup and I sort of miss standup. And what I've noticed in the last few weeks,

again, talking about mental health is comics have stopped talking to each other quite as much. There's been less phone calls at first in the first couple of weeks as the gig got canceled. And then the shutdown happened. Loads of standups were ringing each other going, Oh,

what do you think is going to happen? What do you think is going to happen what do you think is going to happen and we were basically talking shop which all comics like to do i think that shows you like your job if you like talking about not like endlessly but just chatting a bit of shop and in the last week or two i found that the the phone calls i've still spoken to some comics but it's just not happening quite as much and i asked a couple of comics and they were like, yeah, yeah. I haven't heard from as many people. I think as people are- I'm in two WhatsApp groups that I talk to on a pretty much daily basis about certain stuff.

But other than that and talking to you, I haven't really spoke to any of the comics in the past week or two. I wonder what the mood is like. Has it sort of like hit? This has been a month or so since I've gigged. It's just made me go fuck I want to talk about a shop

Kieran Woodall's it's the longest I've ever gone in 10 years without a gig this yep snap erm Kieran Woodall says

so what made both of you want to be comedians and what gave you that push oh sorry er what gave you that push man

I'm in the shop so what made you both want to be comedians and what gave you the push my mate has said for me to give it a go since I was around 13 that would have been a fucking early start I'm 22 now and still sometimes consider it as I live in a pub and work behind the bar and banter with the locals

we're shut at the minute obviously but I hope the doors open again I wrote a best man speech for my brother and after i did it i thought that i could maybe do stand up so i want to know where your influences and drive came from to get going and that that's from kieran woodall so okay you were young weren't you were you 19 18 i was 20 so we're So we're two of the younger starters. You okay? Yeah, me laptop just brought up Siri. I thought I was trying to call the police for some reason.

Where did your drive come from? Siri's like, I can help with that, Adam. I was always obsessed by stand-up as a kid. I always watched it. I was a big fan of Richard Pryor from a young age. I watched quite a bit of Peter Kay and the two acts that made me think, oh, I could maybe give this a go,

which is not the insult it sounds like, were Jason Manfred and Kevin Bridges. It wasn't like I was watching them going, they can do it. Well, fuck them. I can be funnier than that. It was just I identified with them, you know, two proper working class lads who were talking about, like,

normal life that I could proper relate to. Yeah, not Cambridge or Oxford graduates. Not, you know, it looked normal, didn't it? I was like, hang on, this is fucking normal life. And then in sixth form, I was tempted to do it because we did like a sixth form

talent showcase that we were doing to raise money for a local children's hospice. And I was involved in putting the event together. And one of the teachers was like, if you're going to run it, you've got to do something. Surely you can do something. The first time I ever got on stage

was in year five, and I did magic as part of the school talent show. I just learned a load of tricks from a magic book. Amazing. I would love to see that. So I was like, okay, well, I think I'll give stand-up a go. I've always wanted to maybe do it.

So I'll give stand-up a go. And my mate talked me out of it. He was like, look, everyone from the school's going to be there. If you're shit, which you might well be, your social life's fucking done, innit? It's over. High-risk first gig. Yeah. So he was like, don't

do that, lad. It's just like the reward is so small compared to the fucking what you could lose here. Don't do that. And he got in my head, like, the reward is so small compared to the fucking what you could lose here. Don't do that. And he got in my head and I didn't do it. And then a couple of years later, I was working in McDonald's and one of the shift managers in McDonald's

his name was Dave Airy. Do you remember Dave? Dave started about the same time I did. He didn't last very long, to be fair. But Dave was a really good mate of mine in Mackey's and he was just as obsessed by stand-up as I was so we would always try and time it so that when he went on his break, I went on my break

as well and we'd watch stand-up on the staff computer in the staff room we'd just put like stand-up on for like 40 minutes or whatever and in the end he goes, one day he goes to me, I'm going to give it a go you know, we should both do it, let's both do it and he was leaving shift earlier than me that day goes to me, I'm going to give it a go, you know, we should both do it, let's both do it. And he was leaving shift earlier than me that day,

and he went, we're going to do it. And I was like, all right, yeah, I'll give it a go, why not? And he rang me about an hour later. I had to go into the toilet at Mach-E's because I was on shift. I said, just excuse me, I'm going to go to the toilet. He's like, what's up, lad? I'm still at work. He was like, we've got a gig sorted, 11th of July. It's happening in, what was it called, the Metropolitan it's now called Red Door, it's been turned into a nightclub

now but there used to be a pub on Berry Street in Liverpool called the Metropolitan, he was like I know the lads who work there, I've come for a pint after work, I've said we're giving it a go they've said we can have the function room for free on this date, so I was like Jesus Christ, alright Dave Sand

so then what happened was about two or three weeks before that was meant to happen the Metropolitan shut for good business went bust it's gone out of business but we'd sold 120 tickets right

to a combination of my friends his friends and we booked like 8 other acts to do the bill with us, right? Just local new acts from Liverpool. I thought you were going to say McDonald's customers then. And with your Happy Meal, it's a ticket to...

There was some regular customers from our Maccies though, because we were at a local McDonald's and it was on the docks in Liverpool, but a lot of people from Toxteth used to come. So the regular customers who knew me and Dave we'd go talk to them and go we're going to give stand up and they'd go how do I get tickets

for that so we had sold some customers actually but the venue had shut now Lewis Calvert who's another comedian who started about the same time as me who doesn't do it anymore he was like why don't you ask the Casa there's a place in Liverpool called the Casa and it's got a great little back room now the legal capacity of that back room,

seated, is 85. We'd sold 120 tickets. They were like, look, just don't tell anyone. Just, you can fill it. We're not asked, right? So we literally had to have the fire exit open on the night that we did this gig.

And people were stood in the fire exit, like looking in. But because I'd sold, because we'd sold so many tickets for that and all my family and friends were coming, I was like, I need to do like a warm-up one. Yeah, because if I don't want to do my first one in front of all my family

and friends. Good thinking. So I'd heard about Hot Water Comedy Club in Envy. So I asked them, could I do a gig? And they said yeah. So it was a Sunday Sunday night that was where my first gig was and my second ever gig was at Beat the Frog Preston with me

no Jonathan Mayer was the compere was it Manchester that we did together after this we did Manchester about a week after I did the one in the castle that we organised but I won the Beat the Frog press and I came joint with Pete Otway, me and Pete Otway

shared the spoils So you basically did two gigs before the one that you put on yourself how did it go, the one with Lewis and Dave? Oh it was amazing, like reaction wise still probably one of the top ten gigs

I've ever had because everyone was just so stupidly supportive I could have just gone on and gone good to be here where he's having a go isn't he and your expectation

is so low because you're like oh I don't know if I can do it when you get a laugh it's everything is escalated the high you feel when you first gig is like nothing

you can replicate like it's so hard to replicate you're like it's like hard to replicate you're like it's like the first time you have sex without a condom you're like what is this it's amazing and i look back on like those gigs now i've got some record i've got a recording of my first ever gig and it gives me nightmares it's awful to watch like the material is terrible and i'm so bad at it but it went well i think that that that helped me a lot that my first few like four five

six gigs all went fairly well so i thought straight away i can do this shit and it i just got bitten by the bug and i'm so competitive once i once i'm doing something that i'm good at i want to be the best at it and i perceived myself to be good at it even though looking back i wasn't um but you need that because it's there that because there's a lot of difficult times in stand-up early doors. When you're working it out, you have some gigs where you're like, oh, that felt crap and that didn't work. And then someone shouted something.

If you've had those first few wins early doors, you're like, oh yeah, shit, that was crap. But I know it can be good because I've done it. I bet some great comedians have stumbled at the first hurdle and just gone, that can't do it. I tell you what. I'll put the video of my first ever gig on the Patreon for like a month and then we'll take it off but if people really want to watch it

if that's something people want tweet us and let us know but yeah you can watch me first every gig if you want it's so fucking bad it's really really really bad i've got a i've got a carl's phone i've got a tape of vhs hidden away somewhere where I was the middle act and Russell Howard was the opening act from 2004 at the Frog which was within a year and a half two years two years of me starting I think that's the but I've never had it like you know you've got to get it transferred but that's how long ago Russell Howard was also a new lad. He was like one of the up-and-coming lads. Who was the headliner? I'd love to remember.

I just remember Russell being someone that's not cracked on. Because otherwise I'd be mentioning them as well. I did the same thing with college. At school, I had a French teacher who, you know, one of those classes at the end of term where everyone's dicking around. He got me up at the front of the class and told me to, because he'd heard me doing impressions of teachers. I think my first ever gig was doing impressions of the teachers in front of one of the teachers at the end of a French class

and him just like smirking at the back and obviously some kids laughing as well and i look back and i never sort of remember i was like you don't remember it as a gig you're like that's kind of my first gig in like whatever it would have been what it would have been like year 10 or something college i did like a leave in speech but i wanted to work in radio I was obsessed with working radio I did loads of what's it called work experiences I did the coolest work experiences my mum would was amazing and she set up really good work experiences because I was banging on about Mark and Lard Mark Radcliffe used to be on uh Radio One as a like when I was doing GCSEs like they were like doing the breakfast show on Radio One and in my head I was like, I'd love to do radio,

because I sort of didn't know you could do stand-up. And those work experiences, I think I did three in about a year and a half. By the end of it, I was like, I never want to work in radio. It was the most depressing shit. You could tell that these people had something about them. On Rock FM in Preston and Radio Wave in Blackpool. These guys had personality, but they just had it ground out of them

by commercial radio station where you're like, could you just say so-and-so has won a competition, say the name of the station, and then play that song that was played about 40 minutes ago? And you could see they hated the life. So I just packed packed it off fucked off to newcastle to do uni and uh i was doing politics to try and prove a point and i was seeing a girl and she took me down to the height were you trying to prove that i was clever i was like you should do performing arts for a great performer i was like no no like just such a fucking difficult little shit like oh

yeah is that is that what everyone thinks i should do well i'm doing politics pow and uh i lasted i lasted nine months didn't get the degree so should have just gone to performing arts but uh this girl took me down to a comedy club in newcastle called the hyena and it's a prop it's gone now but it was a real like basement new New York comedy club. And I think the first night Dave Johns was on, who's a bit of a Geordie legend. I'd seen Peter Kay on tour for my mate's 18th. If no one knows who Dave Johns is, you might know the film I, Daniel Blake,

which was about government cuts to benefits and stuff and what it's like to be an old guy who needs benefits for the first time. He's also a stand-up comic that's Dave Jones. Yeah Ken Loach the British filmmaker's got like a penchant for casting British stand-ups working class comedians in his films he did

Finding Eric didn't he and loads of comics that we know are in Finding Eric on the sly probably not a film that a lot of our Liverpool listeners have watched but Eric Canton are biopic watched one of the ones all about united fans and um and i i remember watching dave johns who is basically he's the guy that i think ross noble first saw and was a massive influence on ross noble really weird flights of fancy and i watched him and it was like

watching fucking messy do keep ups i was like and and we got being like 19 years old i want to sit at the front i got ripped by the compare i got i went to the toilet at one point and what did he say i remember because i went really embarrassed he was like run forrest run and at the time i was like oh fucking hell got absolutely rinsed but i watched dave johns up close and the magic of an audience behind you like especially if you know you like performing and if there's something inside you like a lot of people hate being at the front of a comedy club it's the worst thing ever because their biggest fear is like oh my god if they ask me a question i'll be embarrassed i'd die. But I had that thing of like, really, I'd like to be involved.

I just didn't know what to do with it. And I remember being at the front the three times we went, I went at the front because we all wanted to like, oh, they're taking the piss out of us. And you felt embarrassed. You felt that flush of excitement

and you can feel the people laughing at you, but it was all part of the fun. Yeah. I watched Dave Johns up close and I was totally besotted by stand-up and club comedy because theater in a big con like when we saw peter k we were way at the back it was my mate's 18th it was about a year before and he was amazing but it was like it was a bit like watching a dvd really it wasn't real when you're within touching distance of a comedian you can feel the

electricity in the room of a small 140 seater it was a corner stage the bright lights and you're within touching distance of a comedian, you can feel the electricity in the room of a small 140 seater. It was a corner stage, the bright lights, and you're sort of in some of the lights. You've had four beers. Oh, my God. I fell in love and fell so hard in love with stand up at that point. We went back in the space of like sort of six or seven weeks. We went back. And when you're that young, like we were scrapping around around for money but i always like wanted to go on the weekend when it was bouncing and then on the third time when i was really starting to get the sort of i want to do this i saw an act do a 10 minute spot and i didn't know what it was he i thought it was just another act

and it and it and now i know it was a new act trying to try out to get paid work so it was what we call in comedy an open spot. But he was basically a new comedian. And he was so fucking average. I sat and I remember going, I'm going to do this. Because if you let this cunt on stage, you're definitely going to give me a go. That is the reality of stand-up. Even now, nearly 20 years later,

there's guys who you watch and you're like, I'm mesmerized by you. And even though I've been doing this like a short amount, like even longer than you, I'm still like blown away. And then you see guys like Bill Burr. I've seen you on tour when you're absolutely amazing. It's great. I love stand-up like that.

And also the reality is you watch some guys, you're like, oh, will you stop doing stand-up like that and also the reality is you watch some guys you're like oh will you stop doing stand-up you fucking ball bag and even at three live circuit gigs in that was the thing that gave me the push i was like if this club which is clearly great will let this fucking moron do 10 shit minutes i'm at least gonna get a crack on it and it was that it was that that made it almost like realistic because i was like well that's it that's the encouragement i needed because otherwise you're just looking at these demigods perform magic so yeah i was bitten by the bug straight away i reckon within like three four five gigs i even if i hadn't sort of admitted it to myself yet,

I knew I was going to do it for the rest of my life or at least wanted to. I went to university for a week. That's how long I lasted. I was studying maths and I was like, I'm not going to enjoy any job that I could possibly get with this degree as much as I'm enjoying doing stand-up.

And I remember having a conversation with my uncle because from a young age, I'd been good at maths and I'm sure I've touched on this before on the pod but he was always like you're going to earn a lot of money you lads if you've got a maths brain you're going to earn a lot of fucking money and he's a married in uncle as well it's my auntie Sue

I mentioned before and every time you mention Auntie Sue I'll remember that woman how are you that woman that was frigging herself off was still funnier than that guy I saw do 10 minutes that third

gig she would have got a better response. Sorry, go on. He went to me, I just don't understand why you'd take such a risk on throwing away a fucking degree. And I went, well, here's my thinking behind it.

I was 19 by the time I dropped out of uni, right? I said, I'd rather make a mistake at 19 that I can fix at 29 than get to 29 and hate me life. And he went, what do you mean? I went, well, if I can earn 30 grand a year from stand-up and love me job and me life,

I'd rather do that than earn 70 grand as an actuary or a high-level accountant and hate every day of me life. Like, happiness is more important to me than vast, vast amounts of money. And obviously, the ceiling with stand-up is a lot higher financially. If you get to a big, big level and you fill in big, big rooms,

you can earn a lot of money, more than any accountant has ever fucking earned. Yeah, yeah. But I even took it as, if I could be a low-level circuit comic but enjoy what I do, that was more important to me than earning a lot of money.

And he was like, but what about your family and stuff? You've got to look after your family. I was like, well, I'm not going to make a life decision

based on a hypothetical family at 19 years of age. Yeah, also, like, you're not choosing between 80 grand a year and being impoverished. You're choosing between a decent fucking living. and being impoverished you you're choosing between

a decent fucking living that don't get me wrong you have to travel you have to graph for you have to commit to it but yeah 30 grand compared to 70 i don't know these are hypothetical but it's not like your family's like uh what will we eat tonight dad we haven't got anything in like it's still a decent fucking life isn't it but who wants a 70 grand a year dad with a bigger TV? Oh, yeah, I've got more shit. And dad's fucking miserable, drinks, and then goes and shouts at the back of the garden. No one does not.

That's not what any family wants. So not at all. And I always said, like, I said, I'd give it 10 years. That was me. That was the rule I gave myself. So at 19, I said, I've got to the age of 29. And if I get to 29 and I can justify staying as a comedian I won't go back to uni

and if it hasn't worked out then I will and I'm still one year shy of that and I think you're there I think you're there in next episode Adam's applying to Edge Hill University yeah so I think it's you know to Edge Hill University. Yeah, so I think it's, you know,

this is what I'd say to Kieran. He's been thinking about it for a while. He's now 22. And the way that will go is it will eat away at you. And then at 32, you'll be like, oh, fuck, I'm try it and if it's if you've had a miserable 10 years doing jobs that you fucking hate and then you try it at 32 and it turns out that you loved it why didn't you just give it a crack at 22 because we both there's loads of comic who start there we both started my i did my first gig when i was 20 adam was 18 and i was making a living from stand-up when i was 24

and it's it was quite a fun fucking life probably 22 before i was making i was making a surviving 22 and i was probably making a living by like 25 no not like yeah but what's a living at that age because i turned professional before john bishop but that's because i needed 280 quid gigs a week and i was fucking rolling he had an eight he had an 85 grand a year job that he had to give up at ici so what he had to earn to turn pro was slightly more than me living in a flat in fallowfield with my mate you know so yeah so Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally like I was still living at home with my dad for a while so all I needed was to pay him 30 quid a week fucking shut your mouth and

put food in the fridge money, do you know what I mean? Um Yeah, and it was different back in my day because you know, 2016 I was making a decent living, like a passable one, but what I'd say to Kieran is, the fact you've written in, you're going to

try this. People don't ever not try it when they want to do it as much as you do. From my experience, you're going to end up doing it. With regards to how to get started, if you sort of, if you DM me on Twitter or something,

and if I don't get back to you straight away, give it a few days and give me a nudge, I'll send you some emails for new act nights. I'll tell you how to sign up for Beat the Frog. I'll tell you how to sign up for Hot Water. It's going to be a few months before you can do this anyway, but just do it. Just get on stage and do it.

Don't be doing it. You don't need to do a comedy course unless you're really low on confidence, which I can tell from your email that you're not. Also on the comedy course unless you're really low on confidence which i can tell from your email that you're not um also on the comedy course they're gonna they're gonna reiterate some really simple things like how to hold a mic how to take a mic out of a mic stand like they're not they can't teach you how to do stand-up they can just help with some basic stuff like yeah doing it and you're laying that within like 10 gigs anyway just get on stage and be as original as you possibly can. Don't steal any jokes from comedians that you like,

because that's the worst thing you can be in comedy is a, is a known joke thief. Um, so do not do that. Just get on stage, have some jokes or some stories or some opinions, do whatever you want and just give it a go. And if it doesn't go well,

give it another go. And if it doesn't go well, give it another go and do it for as long as you want until you're getting better at it. But if you start and you're getting laughed straight away, you're going to get bitten by the bug. And if you, you clearly like performing because it was the,

the kick up the ass you got was by doing a best man speech. Um, so yeah, just give it a go that's basically the same as me doing that thing in french class it's the same if you get if you go through one of those experiences and you kind of enjoy it it's not a million miles away really and you've got time now to instead of going well maybe i'll do it start sketching some ideas down don't copy anyone but watch how your favorite comics do stand up what makes you laugh and try and do your

version of that your use your voice your life your experience and try and do it like that if you don't like uh like if you watch sort of gary delaney or tim vine and and it's not really your favorite stand-up then don't write puns write the stand-up that you like without copying and then just you've got time now, because you can't rush this, because there's not going to be any gigs available, because we're in a shutdown. So while we're fucking doing nothing,

start sketching some stuff down in a notebook, and, like, noodle it around. And then when you're allowed, get yourself down to a comedy club, like Voxel Comedy Club. Hello. Now then, everyone, let's have a quick word about Vauxhall Comedy Club in that there London town.

Now, obviously, there is a fucking pandemic going on. No one's going comedy for a while. But as soon as they are, if you live anywhere near London, if you're down visiting in London and you fancy some stand-up, some of the best comics in the world will be playing Vauxhall Comedy Club, which is, surprise the fucking prize, in Vauxauxhall. So basically they've helped the podcast out massively by sponsoring it in our time of need. And when we're out of the fucking bunker, when we do our first live tour of this podcast, the Have A Word Show for London will be at the Vauxhall Comedy Club. If you're down there and you fancy seeing some stand-up after the apocalypse,

give Vauxhall Comedy Club a try. In the meantime, give them a follow on Instagram at Vauxhall Comedy Club, on Twitter at Vauxhall Comedy, and on Facebook, they're just Vauxhall Comedy Club. Join the mailing list so they can tell you when they're reopening and what they're doing. It's VauxhallComedyClub.com. Adam's already played this room. I'm really looking forward to playing it.

They do a bottomless booze ticket on a Friday and Saturday night. You get 90 minutes of stand-up, excellent TV comedians, up-and-coming talent, and also bottomless beer and wine. There's a spirit of mixer ticket for 35 quid. There's just entry for 10. Be a good egg. Give them a little follow and we'll see you there after

all this shit has blown over. Voxel Comedy Club. That's it. You are listening to the funniest podcast in the game. It's Have a Word with Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale. It's time for Have a Word with Adam and Dan. Send us those problems you've got with your friends. That's it? Great.

No, don't. No. Too many claps. It's weird. Fucking hell, we took that seriously, didn't we? You can tell we're pining for it. I thought that was just going to be like, oh my God. I was like,

God, this podcast might run a little bit short because that first section, God, we got to the patron stuff quite quick. Nevermind. It's fine. You know,

we're doing six a week and then all of a sudden, like, how did you start in stand-up? Well, sit down, young man. Let me tell you,

2010, long time ago. Oh, Jesus. So, 2010 long time ago oh Jesus so gotta have a word for you hi Adam and David I like it

spelled D-A-V-E-E-D that's your new name I like it David 19 year hi Adam and David we've been listening from the very E-E-D. That's your new name. I like it. David 19 year. Hi, Adam and David. We've been listening from the very first pod. Think it's brilliant.

Thanks for doing such a great job, especially during lockdown. You're very welcome, sir. Thank you. So we've got to have a word for you about our neighbor. Would name and shame her, but don't actually know what her name is. I don't want to sound like we're just ranting, but we've got a three-fold

reason for having a word. So here we go. This is the first layered one we've had. So this is one person. Three problems, Daniel. I like it. She wears the most horrendously see-through clothes that don't leave much to the imagination.

And not one to fat shame, there are shapes that no one needs to see, and she's every one of them. Not one to fat shame, but I will. Number two. Literally, any time she drives down her road, the second she's behind her steering wheel, she's right there with her phone in her hand texting away. Even where she has her toddler in the backseat,

she's a driving texter. Number three, she's been breaking every fucking social distancing rule there is. Every day she's got someone different around her house or she's going to another neighbour's with her kid. To top it off this morning, her mate and kid were getting into a taxi having stayed over for the night. I know we want to see our family and mates, but she's being the most selfish bellend out there. Thanks

for everything you're doing. Keep up the good work, Lids, from Adam and Lid. What? From Adam and Lid? I imagine that's Lydia, but... It sounded like they were trying to do it from us. From Adam... Time to have a word with Adam and Lid!

Well, I mean, it's a big three, isn't it? Skimpy clothes, driving like a dick, and then fucking COVID fucking misbehaviour. Should we deal with one by one? Yeah. What's your opinion on, like... The clothing. Fassies dressing badly, do you know what I mean?

Do you believe that, like, it's your body, if you feel like you can wear a crop top it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks because it's your you are beautiful and it's time for some body positivity okay or are you like put your fucking handles away right it depends what you're doing if you're wearing a mankini down at the primary school drop-off then sort your fucking life out but if you just look like if you look like a beach whale in a bikini in your backyard i honestly think you can wear what the fuck you want if you're on your property you can look like the nastiest skankiest beach whale i don't give a fuck jam it all in what you want all

the clothes you like god that's not fit for about five years. Mum, I'm getting in it tonight. What's that old Chris Rock bit about fat girls don't give a fuck? Like they've got pumps on and the fat's coming out of the pump. Look like they're baking bread in their shoe. Because if you're on your property, do what the fuck you want, sister. No problem with that. I'm with you on that

and as exemplified by the fact that yesterday i had gravy and toothpaste all over me clones and i went the chippy in this motherfucker what happened to him why why are you coming in for food he need medical attention what scam was down i don't know if you caught it wow you know what's really funny do you know the first time I ever did a scrupulous Skemersdale accent was when I worked in McDonald's and one of the shift

managers was from Skemersdale and she got really angry one day and was shouting at everyone so I did an impression of her right but like she was there so she'd like kicked off but she was just in a mood. You know when a manager's just having a bad day. And in McDonald's,

there's the staff workers, there's staff trainers, which is the next level up, and then there's shift managers, which is the next level up. But then there's the store manager, and the shift managers, they've got a bit of respect, but they haven't got the authority of the store manager. So you still take the piss out of them a bit and she was kicking off she was like what's everybody doing

you you know things take longer than this you need to the fries they come up too soon this is really bad so i was doing that taking the piss out of it and most of the store is dying laughing like the staff are crying like oh my god he's fucking nailed it there and i got called in for a meeting the next day with the store manager and he was like you're being racist and i was like what the fuck you're on about racist he went you were doing it accent that's racist and i went if i was doing a birmingham accent would that be racist and he went no and i went what's the difference he went because it's from a different country i went no she isn't she's born and raised in England I'm just taking the piss out of her accent

and she then got brought into the meeting and we went look we've brought Adam in today because he owes you an apology for being racist yesterday and she goes he wasn't being racist he was just taking the piss out of my voice someone else in the staff had complained about me saying Adam was being racist to her

and when she got brought in she was like he wasn't being racist he was just taking a piss out of my voice. Very funny. Everyone was laughing at the guy. I was having a really bad day. I was really kicking off and he took a piss out of me. Very funny. I love it when people you get that at gigs where young white

sort of graduates are like looking around. Middle class white women are the worst people in the world when when the fucking when one we were the frog and a a woman a woman was from china and race came up and she heckled and she ended up defining herself as chinglish and oh it's just one of those moments where it was so funny because it is funny

a really overconfident Chinese heritage woman who lives in England basically dominating a comedy club banter and the comedians can handle it and most of the people her mates were loving it

she was like I'm not Chinese I'm Chinglish right she called herself Chinglish and watching the woke little snowflakes at the front just sort of decide if they were allowed to laugh or not.

Like, well, I don't know. Is this allowed? I mean, can she be? Oh, my God. Like, you can't. It's very difficult to call someone racist when they're being racist to themselves. Do you know what I mean? Like, I don't really think that's a tricky one. You can't even say that. No, no, no, no, no. I have got a 2-1 in diversity ethics.

I did. Politics and social policy at the University of York. And can I stop this hip hop gig and say that word, that word that you keep using, sir, on stage is offensive. Like, get the fuck out,

little rat. Did you see that article that went round last week? It was, I watched an episode of Bottom for the first time yesterday and I found it really offensive. Now, I just took a screenshot of that

and put it on Twitter and said, I guarantee without checking, and I swear to God I didn't check, that this was written by a middle-class white woman in her 20s who's never been involved in comedy and then people found her profile and sent me it and I was exactly fucking right. But who fucking cares? Do you know what I mean? people found her profile and sent me and I was exactly fucking right.

But who fucking cares? Do you know what I mean? It's not on. Who are you angry with? The past? I think, now I've gone on, I've done some research into American history and I think lynchings were really bad. Oh, great insight. Thanks for that.

Fucking moron. Who cares? It's done. You can't get, bottom's. Thanks for that. Fucking moron. Who cares? It's done. You can't get... Bottom's not being made anymore. No, I just want to say that even if slavery was an option today, I wouldn't have... Well, I wouldn't have many.

I'd limit myself to like one or two. Guys, I think slavery was wrong. Anyone? Anyone, guys? Any likes? Any retweets, guys? Racism's bad. Am I right?

Anyone? The drive-in with a toddler in the back and you're straight on your phone. Oh, me not like that. Upset me, nasty bitch! Oh, I fucking hate that shit. It's bad, innit? I mean, we've all done it.

Don't get me wrong. No one is a fucking saint on this. And it winds me up. And the thing that annoys me most is I know I've been guilty of it when you're like, oh, you see someone on the phone and you're like, oh, you absolute bellend. And then in your head you're like, yeah, two days ago it was on the seat and it did vibrate and I was waiting for that email about that thing.

I've been guilty of it. But as soon as I catch myself doing it i'll throw it in the boot i'll just get pissed off with myself people who just don't give a shit oh god it's not going to be a tree you hit i wish it fucking was every time every selfish dickhead who drives with their fucking phone like oh my god i was on northern motorway but i needed to check facebook and i've done an update earlier It's never just a tree that they hit. It's some other poor dickhead, isn't it? And you've got your fucking toddler in the back.

Oh, you better learn. There's a lad I know who puts porn on on the motorway and has like a big massive 70 mile an hour danger wank. Now, that's too much. Even for me, that's too much. I mean, I've had a wank in transit, but I wasn't driving. And the distancing. We can't really even make that too funny

because it's just fucking bang out of order, isn't it? Get your phone out of your fucking face. And having people around right now, don't know man we're just talking about how we're missing gigs if this virus is prolonged if everything is made worse by the fact that some people most people are playing by the rules some people just can't be fucked playing by the rules and it keeps it it makes it worse for longer it's everyone suffers we we can't do comedy right now because this shit's horrific just make a note to put at a point in here you're just gonna have to

sit there by yourself for a second because i need a shit please let me keep it in five minutes and either i'm gonna go into the toilet and shit or I'm going to shit in this chair so I'm going for a shit I'll be back in a couple of moments feel free to do whatever you want with this time either edit it out

or you know you can just sing for a bit or you know you can just sing for a bit I'm so tempted to just keep it in what do you reckon everyone I reckon you're like no fuck it let's time it he's off

I'll start the stopwatch how long do you reckon Ro shit's for 3 minutes 50 oh I wouldn't go in there for 20 minutes I've seen him Friday nobody go in the bathroom for about

35 45 minutes what were we talking about social distancing which in your house just got a lot fucking easier I knew you weren't your head wasn't in the game because you tried to move on from that

have a word before we'd actually finished it I could see sometimes being on the zoom it finished it. I could see, I was like, I'm like, sometimes being on the Zoom, it's weird because I can see what you're thinking to an extent, and then also there's something that's lost in the video, almost like video translation. And I was like,

am I not on point with what I'm saying here? Adam usually just flat out disagrees with me when he doesn't agree with me. But it was like, you were like, a bit bored of it. Now I know it's because was like, you were like, a bit bored of it. Now I know it's because in your head you were like, oh, fuck, I need a shit.

IBS is no joke, motherfucker. But just the social distancing thing. Don't have all your fucking mates around your dickhead. He's trying to go straight back into that. I just want to underline, like, there's a lot of people paying. You don't have to be a fucking angel. Don't be a bellend.

I mean, we've done a pod. We've done a pod. I know we've done a poo as well, but we've done a pod. Have we? I can't believe people, like, she's had her kids have an inmate stay over like I understand do you know what I understand

I understand the odd person going like to their like to drop something off at their relatives house and have a quick two minute conversation in the garden a few metres apart because that's no different from when you go on your exercise

and you see someone across the street that you know I get that that's going to happen occasionally you should avoid it at all costs but I get that it's going to happen but to have someone fucking come and stay over some little jam ball of a child invite them into your house why would you want to do that at the minute

because they don't give a fuck, do they? But they should give a fuck, don't they? I know, that's what I'm saying. I'd grass them in. How's your feelings about that? Where do you stand on that? Because I know this goes against everything. I can't be a grass, but I am becoming more

open to the fact that Jade is one. So, you can't be the grass, but you don't necessarily disagree with the grass in because i'd grass i'd be like five oh five oh you feel like such a pussy doing it like hello miss officer um someone's being naughty next door i don't want to give my name bye-bye me and jade the other day took the dog for a walk and as we're walking towards the park that we walk her in there was was, in the front garden, there was like six old people all

just sat around drinking cans of lager. And I was like, there's absolutely no fucking way you all live together in a two bedroom house in West Derby. Did you say it out loud? No, I said it under my breath to Jade and Jade was like, you should grass. And I was like, why don't you do it? She was like, I don't want to do it. You do it.

Why don't you be the grass for once? And I was like, don't you do it and she was like I don't want to do it you do it why don't you be the grass for once and I was like because I can't it goes against everything I believe in I wanted to though there should be an

anonymous grass line in Liverpool where you just get to tell a mate and they get to tell a mate and then they put it on Twitter and then someone grasses for them

out of Merseyside I'm not fucking grassing on you but I'm going to ring my mate who lives in fucking Runcorn and he's going to fucking grass on you. No one in

Liverpool will grass. You have to ring someone in Lancashire or fucking Cheshire to grass for you. My nana in Southport's grassing you the fuck up. Pod? Is that a pod, my friend? I think it is, isn't it?

Sorry that I had to go for a poo right at the end there, but you know, needs must and all that. It's going to happen, isn't it? At least you didn't freak yourself off. Well, that was a good one today. I really enjoyed that little chat about our comedy origin stories. Yeah.

I mean, if you're at episode 31, you sort of do want a little bit of backstory, don't you? Yeah. This isn't going to be the first, if this is the first episode that you try and listen to,

I really feel like you've started the book way too far in. Yeah. I'm going to start at chapter seven. Probably backtrack a bit. Thanks to everyone listening as always we've got a song coming up and then after the song we'll have our list

of Patreon legends, these are the people who are our top tier patrons, they sign up for a £10 each per month, we're so so grateful to those guys, also to people who are on the 3 and 5 anything you can send our way at the minute is very, very much appreciated. If you do want to join the Patreon club,

go to patreon.com slash have a word pod. That's P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com slash have a word pod. We're very grateful for that. And also very grateful for everyone who's been supporting our sponsors along the way.

Our sponsors are beer52.com, Trans Alloy Wheels from Yorkshire and Vauxhall Comedy Club in London. Please go and find their social medias and give them a follow and a like. Let them know that we sent you. We're very grateful for that. Today, why have you got a ukulele? I'm going to just strum

along to you doing the £10 patrons. Alright, okay. Cool. Should we have an actual musician first though? Oh, hey. All right, go on. Today's artist is called Sophie G. Her song is called See the Sun. Now, Sophie's only 15 years old.

This is her original song, and it was submitted to us by her mum. Aww. So playing us out today is Sophie G from Tyneside, and her song is See the Sun. Listen for the end of the podcast for our Patreon legends and we will see you all tomorrow. See you tomorrow Z

Everybody's jaded, not while the speakers faded Dancing, sing my melody, yeah Keep it going all night, right till we see the sunlight This is where we're meant to be, yeah The beat inside, it makes me feel alive Grab a cup, fill it up in an up, but don't kill my vibe My baby, let's go crazy We just wanna have some fun

Let's party till we see the sun My baby, let's go crazy We just wanna have a little fun Till we see the sun Till we see the sun Till we see the sun We just wanna have a little fun Till we see the sun Come on baby, let go Just keep it on the D-low

Let's go local, sing with me, yeah I've been thinking lately This world's got me hazy Forget it, let's be free, yeah The feeling inside It makes me feel alive Grab a cup, fill it up In and out, but don't kill my vibe

My baby Let's go crazy We just wanna have some fun Let's party till we see the sun My baby, let's go crazy We just wanna have a little fun Till we see the sun Till we see the sun Till we see the sun We just wanna have a little fun I don't know who's blowing up my phone Can't nobody tell us to go home

We're up all night until we see the light Can't nobody tell us it ain't right My baby, let's go crazy We just wanna have some fun Let's party till we see the sun My baby, let's go crazy We just wanna have a little fun Till we see the sun Till we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun

until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun

until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun

until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun

until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun

until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun

until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun

until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see the sun until we see Kill, you ready? Yeah, I am. Yeah, you could have your ad. I'm not going to do it. Yeah. So, as always on our Monday episode, ladies and gentlemen, this is our list of producers. You are officially a producer of our podcast if you are on this list. We're very, very grateful.

These are the people who sign up to the Patreon for £10 a month. And today, this list will be accompanied by music from our very own david nightingale so we have got jason hopkins rebecca thomas jamie moore's christian don't know your surname lad sorry aaron aaron ledbetter adam go lightly aj gregson alexis bly andy i'm gonna say a name for you lad anth, Anthony Doran, Anthony Jollies, Anthony Wilkinson, Barney Wood, Barry Parsons, Benjamin Jake Smith, Bunny Whitehead, Carmel, Chris Chubbs, Chris Jones, Chris Townsend, Chris Watson,

Keanu O'Connell, Colette Hinn, Damian Rock, Dan Thomas, Daniel Newman, Daniel Pugh, Danny Gilligan, David Everson, Dean Cochran, Donna Tillo, Donna McCauley, Emma Green, Frank Hughes, the Frog and Bucket team, George Mush, Glenn Turner, Graham Cashel, Ian Pringle, Ian Chadwick, Jack Rush, Jack Scargill, James

Fuchs, Janet Roskell, Jay Kyle, Jennifer Ridding, Jess Yarwood, Jill Bushell, Joanne Barr, Joanne Parr that is, John White, Johnny Armstrong, Johnny Edwards, Jordan something, Joseph Moore, Julie Smith,

Cade Bidwell, Kathleen Simon, Catherine Wells, Kiefer Gallagher, Kieran Woodall, Kieran Gibson, Kirstie Leonard, Lee H. Son, Lee Grant, Liam something, Louise Grimes, Mark Hughes, Mark Cowan, Mark Hollenbach, Matt Delmaine, Matt Flannery, Matthew Rees, Maxine A, Michael Christopher, Mike Kivy, Mike Quirk, Mike Sullivan, Muttley, Nathan Sharracks, Owen Badman, Paul McDonald, Pete Graves, Rachel Heron, Rachel Whiteley, Richard Palmer, Rob Bell,

Rob Upton, Russell Waring, Sam Crow, Sam McGuire, Sammy Taylor, Saz Green, Scott Brickcliffe, Simon Martin,

Stephen Theobald, Steve Baurus, Steve Green, Steve D Malone, Terry Burke, Tom Chadwick, Tom Peterson, and my cousin,

Tom Rowe. That's our list of Patreon legends, our producers for this week. We'll see you tomorrow, guys. Thanks as always for listening. In a bit.