Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 48 - Distressed Damsel (w/ Laci Mosley)

Episode Date: July 6, 2020

A beautiful voice coming from a high tower sets off a complicated rescue plan.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungRapunsale: Laci MoselyMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Tim JoyceSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Well, look who's come crawling back after running out of old episodes of Pod Save America. Sure you didn't strain anything from all the back padding? Don't worry, you're always welcome back here. Because if we've taught you anything, it's that we are not proud. Do you find yourself missing that extra 15 minutes of sleep and extraordinary mattress would give you? Really? With everything going on you're thinking about mattresses? Not even mattresses, the amount of sleep you're not getting because of one?

That's, uh, wow. That's what I call a scarcity-based mindset. Anyway, if you're not too busy rending your garments over the mattress that got away, how about we pay a visit to an alternate dimension, a fake one? Sit back, ready your mind for some haphazard argumentative world building, and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, remote edition. A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host Arnie Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Many years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King

in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast, chronicling our quest to defeat the Dark Lord. Even though there has been a magical event that has trapped everyone into small fragmented shards of the world of fune, but we're still you know what? Podcasts always find a way so we are still making the podcast happen using the magical technology of rune Let me call up my co-host. He's a shape shifter. His shape shifting ability seemed to be out of control. It's John, it's John the talking Badgerhead.

Stickbip. Hey, I'm still a Badgerhead on a stick. So I probably look a little, a little horse for wear. All the St. Beach Nards did take away all of my other sticks, except for this one. But now that I'm just a badger head on a stick, Arnie, what's happened is because I'm on the beach and I can't really move, all the other animals on the beach and creatures, they think that I'm some sort of message, like I'm some sort of head on a stick, sending

a message to the rest of the island So what I did was I carved into the sand. I've made up this story about a surf king That put my head on the spike and I put into the sand everybody fears surf king Surf king USA and that's kept everyone at bay. Oh wow You are a warning. I'm a warning and now the dogs are leaving me alone and so is everyone else. So I feel, I feel pretty good. I hope so.

Well, you know what, but you're not gonna ask what USA is? USA, oh, you're right, there's a USA on earth. I said everybody for your surf king, surf king USA. Mm-hmm. I have not been doing a good job as a straight man in this situation. What, well, let me chunt.

Yeah. What is a USA on food? Well, of course, Arnie, I am the surf king. You know, I made him up. So, USA is a, I've shortened unstable sociopath. Ah! And that's, I've made that USA. So, you've created like a like a scarier identity for yourself.

You're kind of like it's your Kaiser So-so. Who? Kaiser So-so, you know what I'm saying? Oh, now I'm hungry for his hand, which... Well, John, I have some kind of big news for myself, but I want to bring in my other co-hosts first. Let me calm so we can see him on the run. You don't have to talk to me like that.

You're so clinical. I have to bring in my other co-hosts. Just say you're bringing him used to them. Oh, well, everything okay with these things. As soon as I say his name, he's gonna like come. He's just gonna start, you know what I mean? Yeah. But also am I doing okay?

It's a crazy time. It's a crazy time. I mean, I feel like, and when people ask me am I doing okay? It's a crazy time. It's a crazy time. I mean, I feel like, and when people ask me am I doing okay, I'm like, I'm a little too forthcoming these days, like more than I usually am, and I have to be like, I don't know. I mean, comparatively? Mm-hmm.

No. I could be, but hey, you know what, some people are trapped underwater. I'm, you know, it could be worse. Well what some people are trapped under water. I'm you know, it could be worse Well, if people are trapped under water, it's not for long usually That's true for me. That's a very absolutely anyway My other co-host used it or the wizard. I am you said oh a wizard of that 12th realm of a fesious master of light and shadow Minipulator of matchled lights, devour,

devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Turokus, the elves no me is fying Alec, the dwarves no me is zoning in hook stangies, and I am known in the North East as guessmwayneus me star, and there may be other secret names. Names that if they were heir uttered aloud, would most assuredly turn lead into gold. That would be useful.

But it's a secret name. Hmm, and I shunned air, speak it. You sir, can I ask if you were to turn lead into gold for us? Would that be pal for me? An unstable sociopath, ah! Oh, I should take this seashell off my head. I know, I'm not the surf king, I am. It's me, chunt.

Oh, what, huh. Oh, what a relief. Oh, how I love an acronym with an exclamation in it. I'm a bit of an acronym for maniac. I'm sorry, chant, you asked me a question. I was so distracted. I was saying if you turn lead into gold for someone else, it's alchemy, but if it was for Arnie or I,

who are your good buds, would it be palchemy? It would be palchemy. User is kind of a pun-torical question. Well, I answered that. I answered that. I did. And if thou just desired to have gold, I shall create some for thee. Oh, that's pretty good.

I mean, right now I don't have any use for it, but eventually. And I don't have any lead. Lead is one of the rarest materials in all the food. Oh, yeah, famously you got the lead out, right? Yeah, you got the lead out. Was that another pantoracle one? No, I think some, I think, I don't know. Oh, I've never asked this before. And I should ask you this.

You're one of my best friends. I've heard a rumor that all wizards are born with some amount of lead inside of them. Is that true? Yes, all wizards are born with some amount of lead inside of them. Is that true? Yes, all wizards are born with some amount of lead in them, but we found out it caused a lot of bank damage. Sorry, are you unlettered? Oh, okay. Now, thankfully. Too late, though. Too late.

Oh, okay, you said or... I have a question for you. No reason. Why do you laugh like that? Hey, you said or I have a question for you. No reason. Why do you laugh like that? Yeah, hey, that laugh funny. Hey, I love progress. How is it going?

I know you have this challenge to figure out a solution for the fracturing, the fragmenting. How's it going? Have you solved that whole thing yet? Well, no, I have not solved the whole thing yet, but I have been commuting and projecting myself into the astral plane and meeting with all the greatest minds in food through rune and through, uh, and through other means of long distance communication and soon. of long distance communication and soon. We will have enough information to formally print a study about what might be possibly starting what happened here. We believe

it has something to do with Bruce the Skygod. Well, oh shit, you're gonna be published? No, yeah, that's huge. Congrats. Thank you. Well, it's funny you should bring that up. You said or because well it's funny you should talk with such a shitty ding-grin but just spit it out. Well, I don't know if you've noticed around me from the room. This isn't a fake room background. I am not in the schoolhouse that I am usually in week after week. I have moved to another fragment of food. What? Things are opening up but it's

too early. Is school out? Here's the thing. A lot of people have emailed me saying, like, suggestions of how we could solve this thing, and I kind of mostly don't pay attention. But several people have suggested, you know, I have this obsidian sword that I was stabbed with, which, you know, people, I feel like people

don't give me enough sympathy for that. I'm like, I got a sword through me. Oh, yeah, yeah, it is head. But it's a magic, it like I feel like people don't give me enough sympathy for that. Like, I got a sword through me. Oh, yeah, yeah, it is. But it's a magic, it like kind of like absorbs magic. So they were like, why don't you try seeing if that does anything. So I tried scratching the sword back into like the barrier. And I was able to cut some of the wall out and move into another section, which I am still trapped in, but I have and I have

slightly solved the problem. Arnie, you need to be careful. I've heard that if you get out of a ruin that you need to complete half a dozen acts of bravery, okay? Six feats of strength and you should be safe, but otherwise you could be you could be refractured. Sorry, reshadow. What a subtle knife. So anyway, I think I might be winning the battle to figure out who can solve this thing first. Okay, we're on the same side. You, it's not a challenge between you and I.

It's a challenge between you and myself and Baron Ragoom and the forces of evil. You should or it is on. If I solve this before you, you owe me lunch. Fine. What's that behind you? Is that some sort of building or structure or something? You said or it is on if I solve this before you you owe me lunch fine What's up behind you's that some sort of building or structure something? There's this giant tower. I cannot I have not been able to find a door or anything Wait, they're still towers and food. I thought they all went out of business. There's a tower. Oh, shit

I love towers. You're right. I have not seen many towers or billboard. Yeah. They all want to business maybe down 10, 12, 15 years ago. How I would love to spend hours and hours inside of a tower, going through each and every one of that records learning of scrolls and ancient texts. Oh, all of that recorded material there was such a delight for me. Or you should you should check it out. Go inside the tower. Or at least go knock on the grass. Well, I can go outside, but I'll sort of walk around the outside and sort of inspect it a little bit.

Okay. This is a weirdly narrow tall tower. Can you point the rune at it a little bit so we can see maybe there's a entrance. It looks like there's a window way. Hey, I mean, hey, I don't know, They're probably, maybe we need to be in there. There's no door. Can you whistle?

Can you whistle? Wait, wait, I heard something. Oh, is that it? Help. Someone's saying, help. Orgas, maybe. Is someone doing runs? Help me.

Wow. Help me. Help me. Well, the words are saying, help me. Why? Help me. Help me. The words are saying help me, but the quality of singing is saying she's doing fine. Yeah. No, no, I'm doing bad. I'm definitely doing bad. Any someone is in distress, you must help this person. You must save them.

You must call for the bird that can fly up to that window or find some way to get up there. Or use it or it could just be the lyrics to the song and I would be very embarrassed. Well, definitely not a song, definitely not a song. This is a craft for hair. Oh, okay. They literally set a cry for help. Wouldn't it be wild if those were still the lyrics? And use it or I don't have magic. I just had this obsidian sword stuck through me. I can't create a bird.

It's all you were bragging about a second ago was your damn sword. Oh, God, damn it. All right, I'm gonna, I'll, I'll, someone needs my help. All right. You, sir. Yeah, me.

No only man. Yes, yes you. The only man outside. That, that, that would be me. That's you. Uh, do, do you need help? help Arnie sing it to her? No God Hey, it sounds like you need help I can't hear you could you perhaps sing a little louder. Oh, okay

You could you perhaps sing a louder. Oh, okay That's it out Louise help wait, and now I'm just yeah, you don't need somebody Don't say no, I got confused. I got in my head And now I think other people if they hear me they're gonna think I need help I'm gonna be waiting if you need help get out of here You're gunking up the gears Arnie you need to sing back and say how can I help you? Okay, uh, hey, how can I help you? Nice. I'm trapped in this tower. Hey, I just do the singing to get people over here. Oh, okay, it worked. Yeah, yeah, people don't respond to women's scream and help as much as you think that they will. Oh, that's a shame, but yeah, I feel like the statistics back that up. Yeah, the song.

If you're trapped in an entire, you're supposed to yell fire. Oh, by the way, I am down here. If you hear more voices than just me, I'm on a rune call with my co-hosts. So you can talk to them as well if you want. I thought you were supposed to yell fire if you were bored of the theater. If you're bored of the theater you should shoot whoever the highest ranking person is in the back of the head. Ah. I can hear all the little voices coming from your hand. Oh.

All right. Ah. So Arnie introduce us. Don't be rude. Hold on. I'll sing this and can you automatically tune this? Sure. Arnie introduce us. Don't be rude. That's, let me, I'll sing this and can you automatically tune this? Sure. Arnie, introduce us, don't be rude.

That's the part you wanted to sing. You didn't want to sing an introduction. You just wanted to sing, telling me to, okay, this is a chunt. He's the surf king and used it or the wizard. He's a powerful wizard, so he might so he might be some help in saving you. Wonderful. It sounds like you're all going to be very helpful. And what is your name? Oh, my name. Oh, I don't normally share that.

But since you are a Greek to help me, you are a Greek to help me. To our lemon capabilities. To our lemon capabilities, yeah. Yeah, yes, I agree to help. You, I mean, I'm certainly trying. Wonderful. My name is Rapunzel. And let me know. And seriously, let me be honest.

Do not hesitate to correct me if I say this wrong. Rapunzel? Rapunzel, yes, you said it exactly right. Oh, good. Thank you. People in this pronounce my name all the time. I know it's a bummer. Rapunzel, please! I owe you a bag of thee. What could assist thee for all we wish is to be at thine service? Oh, I like him. Is that the wizard?

That's the way he's got a wizard voice, right? I am a great wizard. I am known as Yusudor, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Minipulator of Magical Delights, Devour of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Turokus, The Heddles Nomi is Fienyalak, The Dwarves Nomi is Zunin and Huk Stenges, and I am known of the Rautist's Gasp Winnie's Mastar, and you, Fair Lady, shall be yet another person who I have saved from the clutches of evil for I have to assume that some evil force did place the in this tower Yeah, how'd you get up there? Oh I had a little business disagreement with the dark Lord. Oh

I don't like the dark Lord in fact I've been trying to defeat him for many years Oh, I don't like the Dark Lord. In fact, I've been trying to defeat him for many years. This is tough because obviously the Dark Lord put her in this tower in a very upsetting situation, but also she said she was doing business with him. So what was your business with the Dark Lord? Or is that too personal?

Oh, no, it's fine. I don't have many people to talk to up here, let us all to sing at. The Dark Lord and I had a bartering agreement that went wrong Well, he is very tricky. You must be wary of his evil ways So I don't blame you for one moment and I hope that we can assist the Any climb the tower and pull her out of there. I feel like she'd really just rephrase the words to smash the tower down with a giant hammer. I hear something, I'm sure it into a giant bird

and fly up there and save her. I don't have a lot of upper body strength, but I'll look for purchase on here. I was gonna say be careful because smash tower, tower fall, and that, not good. Yeah, that wouldn't be good. Can I say, oh, and I'm, tower fall, and that, that not good. Yeah, that wouldn't be good. Can I say, oh, and I'm, oh boy, Rapunzel. Yes, Rapunzel.

Rapunzel, I am so sorry. Just through the, through what I can see, I'm sorry to do this. I never do this. Your hair is beautiful. Oh, thank you. It's my crown. That's your crown? Yes. Wow that is stunning. We can see just a little bit of it peeking out of the window up there. There's so much of it I can't keep it all inside

all the time. Actually that's what I was just getting to. If I let down my hair and you tie something valuable in it you can help me escape. Oh, I got oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, that's gonna be letting your hair down. Probably don't have that kind of time. What? We might have to go a more literal route this time. Okay. I'm basically gonna to finish straight my hair from the window. Oh. Oh, watch as these beautiful locks cascade down the tower.

Oh, what a glorious sight to behold. Wow. Okay. Okay, Rapunzel. So, you want to put something valuable in there, like she said. Would it make sense? I'm, you know, I don't want to like,

I don't want to like modify your plan. Who am I to do that? Would it make sense for me to climb up your hair? Aren't. I have a very weak scalp. Do you want to pull a scalp right off? You know, you're right. I'm always thinking, I'm sorry.

Arnie, you think someone's head can hold up to 300 pounds? What the fuck is wrong with you? Oh, I wish I could say 300 pounds, but. Now, you must have something valuable upon yourself. Certainly you have some gold coins, or. Well, I don't like to talk about it, but I do have this small satchel of gold coins

and it's sort of all that I have to sort of get food and board while traveling around food, but it makes it so hell. And I'll get it back. I hate to ask this. I will get it back after you get out, right? What a ghost question. You will get back many a thing. out, right? What a ghost question. You will get back many a thing.

Oh, good, that settles it. Yeah, okay. Nice. All right. Many a thing. Your satchels are things. Sure. It's a fact though, you'll get back your satchel.

Sounds like you might come out ahead. Let me tie this. Gotta say, not as easy to tie hair as I would've thought. You're telling me. All right. All right, I think I've attached it. Oh, I did you have. Oh, I was here.

Back up into the tower. All right. Wow, she got a real process to that. Interesting. It's interesting. It's interesting. It's interesting. She folds her hair around her hand, because that's what I do. But I've talked to other people, and they rip off the hair, and then fold it, and then

they'll bring it up. Huh. But I'm definitely like, I just wrapped around my hand, and then rip, you know. Do you roll your hair over a runder? Um, usually over, right? I heard both. Do you know what just occurred to me? I don't know how those gold coins are gonna help get her out of that tower.

Use it or... Don't spoil this. I gotta say, I'm just basking in the good deed. It's like, we did something really good here. Yeah, I'm proud of you. You did something good. You did something good. I'm proud of you.

I am proud of you. Well, thank you. If you was gonna rip her head off, so let's all take partial credit. It takes to pay. Okay, fair enough. There were some bumps along the way, but eventually I got to the place

of being like a really good person. All right, well, Arnie, ask for your sexual back and be on your way and we'll go back to it. Yeah, I don't wanna put a timetable on this, but excuse me, Rapunzel uh is help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help Oh! The bag of coins didn't work! We have to find another bag of coins. Or maybe it's a new problem. Let's ask her is it a new problem? Oh yeah!

Alright. Hello? Hey, it's still us. We assume the sexual of coins solve the first problem. Is there a new problem we can help with? Oh no! The problem is still very current. But your donation has definitely taken a long way towards my freedom. Thank you.

Ah, yeah, this donation has taken us a step forward on the path of righteousness. And now we must work together to find something even more valuable to tie into the hair. Arnie. I think you gotta say, what's that? Most? Most? Wow. Look, I'm still a good person. Is there a mine nearby?

Could you go like, find a diamond in a mine nearby? I'm a diamond in a mine. How long am I going to take? See if there are any dwarves mining around you. Look, remember, I'm the guy that sat in a bar for four years without doing anything. Do I have to? Hey, dwarves.

Any dwarves around? I don't think there are any dwarves around. I do have a little more money and I'm hesitate to give all of my money, but I feel like I'm pot committed at this point. Yeah, I'm sure she'll get you back. Just put it, just tell her you have more money. Rapunzel, you, we have some more money for you. Oh, more money that could save my life. Oh, God, save her life. You have to put that money in that life. Oh, God, it's gonna save her life. You have to put that money in that hair. Okay, so Rapunzel, Rapunzel,

uh, Lille, I guess let down your hair and I'll do it the same way as last time. Of course. Why'd you say her name twice? Just... Oh, there it comes. Here it is. All right.

Okay. Okay, yes. All right. Okay. Okay. And also don't be afraid to tie anything else of value to the hair like maybe a horse is saddled or a cutlery. If you have any silver cutlery, you could tie that in his will. Arnie, do you have that silver knife in fork, right? Oh. They usually eat with?

Yeah, I mean, I guess it is made of silver, so it's somewhat valuable, but like, that's what I eat with, but no, no, you're right. Okay, let's see, I'll tie the remaining money and my silver knife and fork and okay, it's all right, it's okay to pull it up. It's surely dish up enough to to set Rapunzel free. That's right, so much that happens.

And first of all, it's a good deep no matter what. And I'm feeling really good about that, but I gotta say the sound she makes when she's pulling it up, I think she's a princess. I think we got a princess on her hands. Is that true? Wow, wow, wow. And I don't wanna say that makes it a better good deed.

I don't wanna say that makes it more good, but I would feel, I would be exciting. Let's see what happens. Oh, any, wow. And I don't wanna say that makes it a better, good deed. I don't wanna say that makes it more good, but I would feel, I would be exciting. Let's see what happens. Oh, any second now. This is gonna show. So come out of the tower. We certainly donated enough at this point. Yeah.

These are gonna do great on Yeti's on Dad Ball. Yeah, he, he, he, he, he's on Dad Ball. You know that crystal ball service where you can order just about anything. Wait, is that? Just look at your crystal ball. You decide what you want and they send it to you if you have yet he's on prime in two days or less.

I don't, can I get your secret name for that? Eroffo, a-kawla-lal-bap. I won't remember that, send it to me. Yes. Rapunzel, Rapunzel. Can you come back to her? Hey, it to me. Rapunzel. Rapunzel, can you come back to her? Hey, it's me. Chunk, the surf king.

Can I ask how exactly our money and valuable items are helping? Yes, as I said before, I have a very weak scalp. That's why your girthy friend could not clam up my hair. Fair. But... Each contribution that you give goes towards my scalp potion... ...which will strengthen my scalp so that I can escape.

It's called Roganium. Roganium? So that makes sense you can go now? We're talking about million gold. Oh. Oh, we can go? But you haven't been saved yet. We still want to help. Oh, you have more money?

I mean, you have more ways to help me? It's possible. Let's take a quick break. And figure out what else is valuable on Arnie. If this turns into me like tying my kidney to her hair, I'm not going to be happy about it. All right. So during the break, Yusudor sent me a lot of valuable stuff.

Some things which, and is this right, correct me, Yusudor? You said some of these things were antiquities that were so valuable that they really only belong in the greatest museums. that were so valuable that they really only belong in the greatest museums. Items of unknowable value and each one belongs in a museum, but I would give up anything to save this sweet lady. Oh yeah, you should all shall triumph over able today by making sure that Rapunzel is freed from this tower, and I have you as my agent to make sure that happened. But to save, stress, and wear on a beautiful long hair, I shall use Borgham's floating disc to lift you up to the window. Oh, thanks. I gotta say not to be a funky Freddy, but you said the items are of unknowable value. That's not super helpful. I mean unknowable value. Yes

Some of them are so valuable that they'll be worth millions of pieces of gold and Still it'll be wrong. Can't we get them assessed by a local owl or something? Oh, yeah If you want to if you want to spend the money on an owl, I guess I don't You saw are you idiot? Maybe we're not hitting the value total because it's, since it's not quantifiable how much it's worth, we can't get to the amount to kind of get her out. You have to call me an idiot.

I'm sorry. Oh, I know what's going on. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I one of his minions is in the tower with her, making her ask everyone for help, right? So yeah Arnie, uh, uh, use her to make that disc, send Arnie up and we'll kill the minion and set her free. This is a concentration spell. Borgum's floating bells! Well, I wish this was a video because this looks crazy! Maybe I floated up. Ugh.

Someone's blood gushing out of you, the door's nose. It's still kind of slow though. It's not moving as fast up to the top as I would have thought. Okay. I got the window. Hello? Rupun sale. It's me.

Arnie. The guy that sent all the valuables up. Oh, how did you get up here? Borgon Borgon? I don't know some magic spell. You said you had to send me up here. Borgon's floating disc. One of those.

Oh wow, I have had not near a company in Eons. Forgive me, the place is a bit messy. Here, let me just move some of this gold. No. It's a lot of gold. Yeah. I never heard somebody refer to gold as mess. Come in, come in.

Never buy that. Hey, you're a fun sale, wow. That's a lot. Wow, that's, you're not... Do you know how close you are to hitting your milestone amount to get out? Oh, uh, any day now, any day. Aren't you killed a minion or whoever's up there making her do this?

Uh, oh, yeah. Rapunzel, is there... Is the dark Lord's minion or whoever is keeping you here? Are they around? Oh, it's crazy that you should ask that. Actually, no one's here, and there's no need to whisper. Oh, um, okay. Just trying to keep closer to my fundraising goal. As you can see, I have several sails and saddles and a few animals and a gold plate and many many spoons. It looks like a dragon's layer in there. There's so many riches. There's so

many riches. Can I ask and I hate to do this and normally I wouldn't. Can I use your bathroom? I wouldn't normally. I wouldn't normally, but I just. I seem spare. Okay, just follow my hair. Follow my hair to the left. Right, right. Why didn't he just use Borgham's floating disc? What?

It's a floating toilet disc. Oh, here, you know what? I don't wanna be, I'm not gonna take this ruin into the bathroom with me. I'll leave it here and you guys can continue the conversation. I will follow this hair to the bathroom. I will be back in 15 to 20 minutes. Please, please don't use my hair to wipe. That's all I ask. Please don't use my hair to wipe, okay? I promise. I- I will know. I will know if you do. Oh yeah, you will know. You sure about 15, 20 bud?

That's an estimate. Okay, great. Thanks, host. Ooh, hey, Rapunzel. Yes. I'm surprised there's nobody sort of keeping you hostage here or threatening you. So, wow, that's just looking out of the room. That looks like a lot of stuff here. What's, how much do you owe to set things right?

Oh, as a nine-beat-give. Oh, I don't- Oh, anyone! It's a curse! There's no minion at all! Ah, but instead, she can't in-see the riches she has gathered to try to buy her way out of here. At every time, so when gives her a new bit of gold or silver, a diamond, to her, it looks like not but rock and stone. Is that close? It's closer. You're right about people giving me things and me wanting more things. Okay.

Hmm. Huh, are you some crafty? Some crafty seed. Horde or... Ah, no! Oh, more of a collector. And look, I'll just be straight with you guys. Okay, no one's ever come up here. I just sing help.

And then people help me. And then they go about their way, feeling good. This is a new experience for me. Wait a minute. Do you mean to tell me that you're doing this on purpose? And no one's putting you up to it? I don't mean to tell you that but since you found out, yes. We've been had. Shunt, we are the victims of a conviction artist. We have been convinced that we should have helped when we should have not helped.

Is that what... Is that what Khan stands for in Con artist, Confiction? Sure. He's actually correct. Oh. I am an artist, just like the painters in the fair, and just like the dancers with the flames. I too am an artist of conviction. Well I doff my hat to thee, for thou art truly skilled in thy deceptive ways.

But as a force for goodness, I must wag my finger at this nefarious deed. Oh, ow, I'm a woman. How dare you wag your finger at me! Ow! Oh, sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Well, wait, guys, what's going on in here? Are you hurt? Sorry, I just ran into my fingers. I just ran into my fingers. Are you a Siddharth?

Or an orange? What did you do? Oh, sorry. As I was saying, what did I miss? Well, it turns out that our friend Rapunzel here is a conviction artist. You sit, or I don't know what that means, but how dare you with that tone.

How dare you, how dare you? I'm sorry to change the subject. When I was in the bathroom and I'm so sorry, Rapunzel, I didn't mean to look for your stuff, but there were just some papers out. And you know, my eyes couldn't miss them. It seems like there were a lot of great investment opportunities that maybe we should consider.

No, no, no, no, no, no, are kind of like a not- the can't miss sort of thing. Yes, and you didn't wipe with those papers, did you? Arnie. Did you wipe with those papers? You didn't say that. You didn't say that. You just said the hair.

Did you not wipe with the hair? I also wipe. Oh, really? The disrespect. But like you were saying, the papers you saw that happened to be laid about? Yeah. Something you're interested in?

Oh well, I mean, I'm not a really an investment guy. I don't know, but it just seemed like this was like practically free gold. Yes, it is. All you have to do is get 12 of your closest mates. Guys, you should only shut up. We know at least 12 people, right? Ah, like, awning.

It's a scam. It's a scam. You don't have 12 friends. I can't tell. Is this scene too good to be true? Pizza skull. A man with 12 friends, yes. Most men do not have many friends. But if you do, then you could be rich, rich beyond belief like me.

The upline. The upline, that sounds very appealing. What does that mean? A blinnyer is a magical way to get yourself to great heights. Yes, and all you have to do is amass your mates. This sounds pretty great. Hey Rapunzel, this is awkward. My friends and I, we want to discuss some of these opportunities, but the problem is, we don't have a ton of time to share all this information.

Is there some way to, is there some sort of spell or some sort of way to buy more time to share all this information. Is there some way to, is there some sort of spell or some sort of way to buy more time to share all this? Unfortunately time moves like the wind and this offer will be gone, gone, gone, gone, gone. Wait, is this the opportunity? I was hesitant, but now we don't have time to really think about it. Or you don't fuck this up.

I'll pretend that I'm 11 other people, and you said it will be one, that's 12. Let's go, we gotta jump on this. Oh, I have to duplicate myself. God, you're right, little 12 friends, what am I, Jesus? Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, Shit, now we have 24, because I said I'd play 11.

Ah, fuck. Oh wait, I thought you said I was going to play 11. No, I said I was going to play 11. I thought you said I was going to play 11. I thought you said I was going to play 11. I thought you said I was going to play 11. I thought you said I was going to play 11. I thought you said I was going to play a lot of stuff. I thought you said I was going to play a lot of stuff. I thought you said I was going to play a lot of stuff. I thought you said I was going to play a lot of stuff. I thought you said I was going to play a lot of stuff. I thought you said I was going to play a lot of stuff.

All the users are talking, Ernie quick, jump on it. We can't miss this deal. Jump on it. Say yes. I'm in. What do I sign? What do we, yeah? 12 friends? Wonderful. Now all I need from you is a kidney from your back. God damn it, man. Arnie, you gotta do it. Come on, get back in that bathroom,

get in some, put some ice in there and be, you know, brave up. Go on, you're stuck in that, I thought you were gonna tell me to go in that bathroom and shit out of a kidney. Why? I nominate Yusodor number eight. Yeah, hey, yeah, not my kidney.

Yusodor can die die any comes back to life. You said, or can give a kidney. I'll do it. I'm used to doing number eight. And I'm going into that cold, cold bath. Where I show to move my own kidney. Wait, you said, or number eight, before we do this, we should clarify if this is a kidney or a kidney.

Did we get clarification? Yes, which is it? Honestly, it could be either. We better do both. We better... Can you D.H. one of the use-dores? A use-dore number 8? Can you D.H. yourself? Of course. I am a great wizard.

Capable of anything! What? We're putting so much of this on use-dore number 8 specifically. I'm gonna go and take my knee off. Alright, see you guys later. He's gonna go masturbate. Clearly, you're from me. We will not take that. We will not take the product of masturbation.

I can't do anything with that. No, but take it. Okay, so we'll give you sir number eight a few minutes. Gonna cut off his knee, gonna give a kidney. So we're in. Ropun's Hail, is there anything else we need? Or, uh, what, what, what do we, do we do it? Congratulations! All you need to do now is get out there and sail, sail, sail!

We're part of it now. This is such a wonderful opportunity for us. But it seems like there's something I discovered just a few moments ago that would make me worry of this that I can't quite recall. Hmm, well, if you can't recall recall it then it must have never happened. You're right. I got the only thing is I know we've given so much money so far so I can't. I feel like I can't get out of this. Not really a sales guy. Like is that me? Is that who I am?

I don't know. Right now you're selling me how unconfident you are. And you're doing very well at that so perhaps you are a salesman Oh, you get it right Here's a knee and a kidney Thank you guys this will go a long way to my scalp treatments and also to your new business Are we gonna be selling tuppensware? Actually, you're going to be selling ideas. So here, this is a pyramid.

I want you to think of yourself like this pyramid. Right now you and all 12 or 24 of your friends who may be adults or may be clones of wizards are all at the bottom of the pyramid. But you can be at the top like I am. Oh shit, we're at the bottom of the pyramid, but you can be at the top like I am. Oh shit, we're at the bottom of that pyramid. Oh, I was thinking of myself as the entire pyramid and I was like, yeah, because I'm a little bottom heavy.

I was thinking I get pointier towards the top. Yeah, with your hat, that makes sense. So we can be at the top. How do we get to the top? More friends, more kneecaps. Of course. Here I go. Wait, did you see kneecaps. Of course. Here I go. Wait till she see me.

My kneecaps, my name is kneecamp. Maybe we have to get my family involved in this. We need more kneecaps. Ah, already ask your family, please. Ah, I do have a lot of uncles and some of this stuff feels like the kind of stuff they would definitely get involved in. All you need to do is take this pyramid with you and do demonstrations for your friends and family.

And once they're on board, get them to sign here in blood and you will move up the pyramid yourself. What is it I'm trying to remember? There's something I desperately need to remember. Well you know guys I hate to say this you saw in show we've been doing this podcast for about five years I feel like to a certain extent now, we're kind of pillars of the community. And that's the kind of thing we can kind of leverage. People want to hear,

we can get our foot in the door and people want to hear our sales pitch. So I feel like we're going to be at the top of this pyramid in no time. Yeah, you're right. I mean, we're always posting about, you know, by our merch. So we're always pushing our wares anyway. This is just a bit of a pivot. That's right. I mean we're always posting about you know by our merch so we're always pushing our wares anyway this is just a bit of a pivot. That's right and that is

sold at upwards of a dozen pieces of merch. This is all good. You're all so inspiring. Are you ready to make the jump from my window? We are. Wait what's this now? Arnie she said are we ready to make the jump for her window? Here I'm gonna wait. Oh shit I'm trapped in my little section. Arnie, she said, are we ready to make the jump for her window? Here, I'm gonna wait. Oh shit, I'm trapped in my own little section. Arnie, do you have to represent us? So hold on, the next part is I'm supposed to jump out of your window? How else would you get down? Yeah, Arnie, how else would you get down, idiot?

I could, I think it's easy for you to say that I'm one that has to do it. I might head on a stick, Arnie, nothing's easy for me, okay? Now, do us all a service and jump out the window. Can I? Oh, hold on a second. I have one question or a pun sale. So the money and the valuables you're collecting to help with the scalp treatment, you know, good luck with that. How does that help you get out? Because you can't necessarily climb your own hair down. Oh, I never said I wanted to leave.

Not once in this whole exchange, have I ever said that I wanted to leave? I said, help! Help? Okay, so the scalp is just like a vanity project. Yes. And the help means you just want help getting richer. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Oh, shit, that is on us. But imagine if kings and queens were more honest like I am,

they want help getting richer. I want help getting richer too. And I've offered you a great opportunity to sell something to your 12 friends, even though you don't know what it is. Yeah, that is fair. I mean, Arnie, I don't know if you've ever told you about Richard the Lionhearted. There's a guy who his name was Richard, he's trying to get more and more money, accumulate more wealth, and he got so egotistical and got such a big head about it that he literally transplanted a lion's heart into his chest and died, surrounded

by money. Oh, what a weird story. Jump out the window. Think of the moral of that story. Which is? Which is? Don't put a line-hot in your chest. Fucking idiots. Guys, I'm so sorry. This is starting to resonate with me in not the right way. I feel like, oh, I feel like this is me getting involved with cut-co all over again, like... Arnie pants. What is a cut-co? I'm back on my world, you know, you could sell knives.

And look, I'm not saying it's a totally illegitimate organization, I'm sure for legal reasons, I shouldn't say that, but I didn't leave that, that brief job with a great taste in my mouth. Also, I wish I could reword that. I don't know what you were doing with your mouth while you were selling these swords, but it sounds like an honest way to make a living, like me. Well, I better start absorbing the rest of these Yusardos.

Look, I... You absorbing them through your behind? Ooh. It's either that or I have to eat them. Yeah, they're all suckups. They just get to wish stuff is as well. So to get to the top of the pointy part of the pyramid, the more we sell the the so it's called Rapunzel. That's what's on the pyramid. You see right there Rapunzel. Rapunzel. So to get to the top of the the pointy part of the pyramid, the more we sail, the higher we climb, can you, I guess I can't really visualize. Yes, the more that you sail, the higher you sail up the line.

How is sail spelled? SAI-L. Oh, so it's just like a fun boating expedition. No, it has nothing to do with bunting. I am. Oh, so it's just like a fun boating expedition. No, it has nothing to do with boating. Damn, no nothing to do with water. I'm starting to feel like I've been had, and I'm feeling this kind of combination of like embarrassment

and regret, and I really feel like it could break in either direction, but I just, I don't. You know shame can be a real motivator in sales. Oh, don't I know? Because is this a scam if you manage to sell it to all of your friends and family and get them involved? No, then it is a busyness. I do feel like I'm at a crossroads.

Like I feel, I definitely know I've made a horrible mistake. But can I like redefine the situation so I can walk out of here like feeling good about myself or am I going to have to confront like a nasty reality of what's going on. One of those sounds better than the other. I want to be in busyness and I want busyness to be good. So Arnie, I feel like we should stay stay the course right. We're already invested. You mentioned earlier, we're pot committed. If we back at now, we're fucking country rooms, radios. We can't let anybody know about this. We got to keep placing a path forward and get to the top of that pyramid. Wait a second. What you said

gave me a plan. I think I figured out a way to re-contextualize this. Look, everything is just a story to tell yourself. This is the story we can tell ourselves. We made an investment in content. Also, maybe then we can deduct it on our fancy taxes. So, look, let's be honest, Rapunzel. I think this is a total scam, which now that I think about it,

like I don't know why I'm saying that, like it's a revelation, you literally said it was a scam at some point. We've given you a lot of money. I'm not asking for it back. But let's just say that we sort of paid you an appearance fee for the podcast. I like that. I like the sound of that. Also, where will this be airing? Nowhere near where people walk near my castle, right?

I would hate for people to hear this instead of my singing. That's the great thing. This is like Harrison Ford doing commercials in Japan. This is being sent to a whole different world. Like no one here in this world listens to it. Oh great wonderful wonderful. And I thought I wouldn't want them to. So can I ask you and you know I think we're actually running out of time and I will jump out the window in a minute here. Since we gave you so much money, is there, do you got any like good Is there, do you got any like good scam stories or any kind of like jobs you've pulled or like details that would surprise us about being a fantasy conviction artist? One I can think of is actually the reason that I started

living in this very tiny, thin, uh, phallic castle. Uh-huh. Uh, and that is because of the scam I ran on the Dark Lord. Well, I was scared the Dark Lord. I am. I sold the Dark Lord Darkness, which he did not realize was just the absence of light. Oh, you're welcome. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, just because she happened to tell a story that we really enjoy that almost feels like exactly what we would want to hear. It's not like you're all text and no subtext. It's not like someone couldn't look at you and say, oh this is what this person wants to hear.

Exactly, I would never know how to do that. It's not in my nature. Oh, but I guess it's about that time for you to be jumping out the window, isn't it? Yeah, well, a deal is a deal. Well? How about this? Before you jump out that window, what if I would have sell you something that could break your fall? Oh, Arnie, you'd be dumb not to buy that. That's an opportunity. Oh, exactly. Sure. Yeah, especially because if I look I'm looking out here. Ha, I would hate to fall right there because there are so many bones down there.

And of course we all know why you should or can't make another disc. Yeah, we do. We all do. It's not even worth saying. We feel stupid for saying it. It's so stupid. Why are we even talking about it? Here, this is what we call a stepping utensil. Oh, she pulled out a ladder. The only thing I have is this magical dagger of Vasco Halon. Is that Vasco Halon? Vasco Halon. It's like a magic wizard killing, not a bunch, but we need it. I don't need two wizard killing swords. My I've got the subject.

Oh, I don't need two wizard killing swords. My obsidian sword can do that. I don't need to. Fine, fine. This will do just fine. This will. That's gotta be worth a lot. There are almost no implements on food

that can kill a wizard. And don't look, I know it seems weird that I had two, but that's just like an outlier situation. Little odd, are you a wizard murderer? It's okay if you are. I won't tell. I have no one to tell up here. I have accidentally murdered a few people but I'm trying to remember if any of them were wizards. No. Now I'm feeling a lot of shame about admitting that I murdered some people. I feel like it's not something I should have shared. Anyway I'm gonna take this ladder. I'm

gonna go I'm gonna go really fast because I feel real bad. not something I should have shared. Anyway, I'm gonna take this ladder. I'm gonna go really fast, because I feel real bad. I'm never gonna talk to anyone about this. And that's perfect. You're gonna go really fast down the ladder with this, I gotta see. I mean, reasonably fast. You should about a shoot.

Oh shit. Well, if you hear some music, it's not for you, okay? But it was lovely meeting you. It was, you know what, I'm gonna say, it was an emotional roller coaster, but on the whole, I enjoyed it. Thank you very much. So nice to meet you, Arnie, you're a hero. Buddy, you did it. And I think we need to let the world know about this.

I think today, for the rest of time, today is going to be known as Latter Day. And you are a Latter Day saint, Arnie Yudide. Oh, thank you. You know what? I'm going to choose to remember this as a positive experience. And never tell anyone in specific details. Not even this sucker who looks like he's walking up to the tower.

I mean, I should probably tell him something like that. I would just feel like I'd have to admit something about myself to do that. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, You have the memory of a fish. You've successfully listened to another episode of Hello from the Magic Tavern, a fake podcast originating from your own planet Earth, hosted by three desperate actors whose collective dream is a cameo on Chicago Fire as a river dredged corpse or the neighbor of a teen arsonist. Watch your email for our questionnaire about your viewing experience. With such questions as, at what minute did you lose interest, keeping in mind that before I started listening is an

acceptable answer. Also, would you rate the amount of butt-wiping humor as, A, just right. B, way too much. C, I'm off to watch German porn and the jigsaw movies to cleanse my palette. Usero the blue wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the I've Lost track was played by Adolfi. Rapunzel, the conviction artist, was played by special guest Lacey Mosley. Check out Lacey's podcast, Scam Goddess, and follow her on social media at Diva Lacey. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacant, Matt Young and Adel Ruffiah, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Eer will producer Kimmy Lucas, this episode edited

by Tim Joyce, special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Warning. This fake podcast was recorded in a facility where nuts are processed, and not just processed. Scattered all over the floor, raked into crude mounds and then jumped in, mashed into a fine powder, and well that was just that one new year's eve. There's even this one room. I guess it's more of an abandoned public pool, just filled with nuts. You can climb up onto the ventilation pipes and dive right in.

They say the little Myerson kids snuck in here once while her father was working late. And dove in so deep she couldn't get back to the surface. They never did find her. Some nights, if you really listen. Anyway, that's a little something about our recording facility. I'm sure there's a new Potsave America out by now. Go on, you've earned it. You know