History Hyenas with Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas - 54 - Ari Shaffir is WILD!

Episode Date: February 10, 2019

The boys are joined by Ari Shaffir to find out everything they have ever wanted about Jews! WildWant more Hyena content? Check out www.patreon.com/bayridgeboys where things get really WILD!Follow us!: 🙆🏼‍♂️🐕🙆🏻‍♂️🙆🏼‍♂️Chris Distefano on Instagram, Twitter, website🙆🏻‍♂️Yannis Pappas on Instagram, Twitter, website🐕History Hyenas on Instagram, Twitter, website Subscribe to the poddy woddy on YouTube, iTunes, Spotify, and HH Clips

what's up cuzzy wuzzies you're listening to the bay ridge boys history hyenas bad We made it. Yeah. That's the History Hyenas theme song. You know what it is. It's a little Whitney Houston beats, little hyena cackles. You know who it is. It'srissy d and yanni p we are the history hyenas and we're two in the closet gay fucking kids it's just what it is and you know what having our next uh guest this is our second two-a-week guest ari shafir just made me realize because he was marveling over our intro song

yeah we might be the first and only people to have used hyena cackles and put them to music. Oh, yeah. It's very possible. Yeah. It's very possible. Who else has done that? Do you think the second H

that you put into hyenas, do you think the second H is for homos? It's for homos. It's for homos, and it's just a marketing plan by me because a lot of people are like, you say hyenas, stupid. And I'm like, yeah, I know.

I'm doing it on purpose so you remember my fucking podcast. But you also notice that he has such a queen's accent, it's almost like a speech impediment yeah so it qualifies he would have to go to a speech therapist to not sound like Edith from Archie Bunker yeah like like I'm so queens and I'm so old school catholic queens like that you know I'm used to now I'm used to you know you know being in around the comedy scene or whatever I know and Jews and Jews I know so many Jewish people now.

Which is wild. They don't have horns. But if Debo was here, he'd be like, yo Ari, yeah, where's your horns? Or like, you're not going to steal my money, right? You know, they would say things like that. Because you don't meet any Jewish people deep in Queens. You don't meet any Jewish people in Queens? No, no, you do.

But Ridgewood is an insulated Catholic community. You have to understand Ridgewood. It's all Puerto Ricans and guys that work at the docks. Yeah. You know, that's what the neighborhood is. So it's all Catholic.

And it's kind of like, it's next to Bushwick. It's like the first neighborhood in Queens and it's tucked away against this railroad track. So it's kind of like, you wouldn't know. I didn't even know it was there, to be honest with you.

I'm from here. I didn't know it was there. It's very gentrified now. Yeah, but back when you were growing up, was no jews in sight and you didn't really leave ridgewood i never left ridgewood i met i went to uh catholic grammar school catholic high school catholic college i only want only what i got the college you go to saint joseph's college in downtown brooklyn sounds catholic sound yeah when you lose stuff do you say uh pray to saint anthony yeah yeah it was pray but. But I don't, I've now removed myself

from Catholicism. I've started taking CBD oil and it's kind of like made me, you know, be like, I don't need it, but I still do have Catholic tattoos all over my body. CBD oil.

Because CBD oil. It's going to get you high. Well, because CBD oil, it relaxed me enough for like all those sayings that I try to live by that like help me like stay in reality

that I have, that before CBD oil I just tattooed on my body. Yeah. Now CBD oil, I just like, I always feel it. try to live by that like helped me like stay in reality that i have that before cbdo i just tattooed on my body yeah now cbdo i just like i feel it i always feel it yes i'm always present yeah you know you guys got something in common in that me and ari do yeah well besides being comedians and cute kids yeah is you're a good looking kid ari is a good looking kid yeah i'm semantically good looking if you're not in a semitic looks yeah i'm a troll yeah if you are you're like yeah like you're yeah are you basically saying you're good looking for a jew for a jew yeah yeah but if you're in like like david taylor always says like

when he sees a girl flirt with me is like that she must be jewish right because like yeah i'm just gonna power over jewish chicks who do you think has a who do you think has like a like a wild jew look like you too who do you think's like who you think has is wild Jew look like you two? Who do you think is as wild Jewish looking as you? A wild Jewish look. I said a wild Jew look. Yeah. Like, I guess, Moshe Kasher. Louis Cats.

Louis Cats. Louis Cats. Louis Cats. Moshe Kasher. Yeah. In comedy, for sure. Sandler-ish, but not really, but a little bit. Seinfeld?

Seinfeld, but he's disgusting. Yeah. At one point, you were growing out the curls. I remember that in Montreal. I did for Edinburgh. Thanks. That was dope, man. I used to have them.

They grew up pretty long. My girlfriend fucking hated them. Yeah. I just kept cutting around it, and I would tell barbers, I'm like, don't cut that leg. Okay, I'm like, no, no, but seriously, I'm working on something.

Don't cut it. What I was going to say is what you have in common is that you, like Chris, he grew up extremely Catholic. Yeah. And then you grew up. Orthodox Jewish. Orthodox Jewish.

Heavily Orthodox Jewish. Yeah. But are you still practicing? Oh, for sure. Yeah. See, that's the difference. I'm not practicing, you fucking idiot. You had a pulled pork sandwich last night at South.

I don't know the fucking Jew rules. I work on Shabbos. Dude, I don't know the Jew rules. That's like a lot of things like I just don't. I don't know. Oh, you don't even know about it. I don't know. That's why we got to have Jews on here just to continue your education on what Jews are.

Yeah. I do this Q and a on my hours for like doing the check drops. I'm like anything you've ever wanted to know about Judaism at all. Ask me. And then things range from like, what is Yom Kippur about to like, how come you put like shrink wrap on your couches? Right.

Um, yeah. Oh, you know what I wanted to know? Is it true that, is it true? Or is it just like folklore that like when the rabbi circumcises you, he sucks the blood out of your dick and then spits it out in a bowl? Okay. You've heard of that before.

I've heard that rumor too. Yeah. Yeah. He does not suck the dick. Yeah. He doesn't want to swallow. He really just, it's for anesthetichetic Like not anesthetic Aniseptic Right

But he does put The kid's piece In his mouth For a couple pumps Yeah some of them do it And some of them just Like lick their fingers And like wipe it off

Right It comes from like From 2000 years ago When you're chopping a dick In the desert Just don't get sand in there So does Catholic priest Sucking little kids' dicks

That comes from 2000 years ago Yeah it's a little different That one's more sexual This is more like I got skull fucked By you know by the O'Shanahan brothers. You got skull fucked? I've sold her on a podcast before. I was 12, 13 years old.

I was sitting in the toilet taking a shit. I was like the runt of the group, the youngest guy in the group. And my friends just came in one day. One of the O'Shanahan brothers held my thighs down. The other one came in and just pumped his cock in my mouth a couple of times. Yeah, it's called Ridgewood discipline. Yeah. And then I couldn't,

I couldn't get raped is what he said. Yeah. And then for like years after that, I just didn't deal with it. Like, and I wouldn't like suck on a lollipop, like tootsie rolls. Like I just,

cause it would, it would bring me back to that thing. And I would sweat a lot, but it motivated me to get like as good at basketball as I could to like, want to get out of the neighborhood. Oh yeah. It was like a whole, a whole thing.

So it was like now, like those, my friends of those friends, they're still like insulated and all the catholic bullshit but they don't they're not happy with their lives they've never left the neighborhood so for me it's like looking back on it's like you know what i got skull fucked i got a thing that never happened to you i got a couple of pumps in the throat but i i have what my friends don't have and that's turned a real you turn a rape into a positive did he pour one down your throat or no i didn't pour one down my throat but you know he slapped it around in my mouth a little bit.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. I mean, listen, I mean, I guess I could have kept my mouth shut.

I didn't, I was, you know, so there's hold what? Oh, kept your mouth shut. No, no,

I mean, they beat you up until you opened your mouth. Exactly. Yeah. So, um, I mean, yeah,

I used to get destroyed. They used to take shits in my garbage can. They pushed my air condition out the window. Um, we had a rapist, an oral rapist in Maryland when I was there was there university of maryland right he raped like oral raped like three women and then the fourth one would just bit his dick sure and then they caught him that way he went to the hospital she bit it hard and the other three women are

like oh yeah why didn't we that's a that's a move that why don't we think that was there for that move was there for the taking there yeah taking it's a false but i mean i get it i get not but i don't even think about in the dick when it happened to me i mean you don't want think of that? That move was there for the taking. It was there for the taking. It's a falsehood. Yeah, but I mean, I get it. I get it now, but I didn't even think of biting the dick when it happened to me. I mean, you don't want to bite a dick, you know? Right. That's part of it. Right. Yeah, but it's a good move if you're getting assaulted. It is a good move.

And so you got big enough now you could mouth rape someone else. Yeah, I could now. Now I guess, but I have no desire. I have no desire at all, but I- Yeah, that's on you, man. That's cool. But we do speak about it on the podcast. I am a little strange in the sense

that, you know, I'm extremely sexually attracted to, I love women. I love thinking about sexual women, but I really get lost in men. Like I fall in love with men but have sex with women. How about Ari? Would you crawl in his lap? Well, yeah. Yesterday when we were talking at the South Super Bowl party, we were talking about stuff

and I would have rather done that than try to talk to a girl. I'm the same way, dude. If most of my guy friends had pussies, like, I'd be good. Yeah. I'm like, I have no interest in women. No, same with me.

Yeah. But sometimes I'll get into like a really deep conversation with like, say, Giannis, then I'll go try to bang a prostitute. So he's sexually attracted to women and he's moral, he's romantic. But a guy's conversation gets me in the mood to fuck the woman. Yeah. Right. So he's sexually attracted to women and he's romantic. But a guy's conversation gets me in the mood

to fuck the woman. Right. So it's a weird thing that probably got stuck in there when I got skull fucked. Right. What do you think about that? The skull fucking? No, what do you think about his sexuality? So he's romantically attracted to guys, sexually attracted to women. I mean, it's

not something you come across every day. It's unique. It's unique. Yeah. You not something you come across every day it's right unique it's unique yeah um you know to each his own that's cool i'm not gay i have no desire i don't want to disagree but that's um yeah well well i may sound it but in my head i've never thought about having sex with a guy maybe you should have you ever tried no no but it'd be weird though yeah because it is really a physical thing. Because even like the women you're into, you're not into every woman, right? No, he's into every woman.

Yeah, pretty much every woman. You're going anywhere. Some of the women that if I showed you if I had sex with you, you'd be like, that's a lot. You wouldn't believe it was possible. I have video evidence of it. Yeah. Wow.

Because I picture you as just into hot chicks. He gets a lot of those, too. No, I got it. Yeah. But I also, you know. He'll bang your mom. He'll bang anything. Yeah.

Well, it was. But recently, as of late, like recent,, it was, but recently as of late, like recent, recent, recent, the last couple of weeks, things have been changing in my mind. I've been,

I've been understanding that the energy that I'm using to talk to all these girls and do that is taking away. It's counterproductive. I want my career to last. It's, I can't use that energy on that. I have to use it on career stuff. Yeah.

It's crazy. Once you shift your energy and focus, you're just like into not, not getting laid all the time. Oh, I have all this free time. Exactly. And you stop even thinking about it. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. Once you shift your energy and focus, you're just like into not getting laid all the time. Oh, I have all this free time. Exactly. And you stop even thinking about it much. Yeah, like it's like every night, like a month ago, it's like every night I have shows

and I have to run home because I'm banging some girl and it's like once I take that away, it's like, oh, every night is just at my own pace. It's beautiful. Writing new jokes, coming up with new ideas. You got more time to fall in love with guys now. Exactly. Yeah. Free time to fall in love with guys now. Exactly. More free time to go to the movies, hold hands. Whatever you guys want to do. Get me a

Linz tart. I didn't want that Super Bowl party to end yesterday because it was mostly men. It's mostly men in there. Yeah. What are the questions you have about Judaism? What did you see of us when you grew up? What did you think of us? That's what I want to know. What did you think about Jews? Okay, so here's what I thought. This is all true. So what we used to think about jews this is what we used to this is

what used to happen so first of all we would never really see jews me and my family would never really see jews unless we were driving to this restaurant called bamanti's an old school italian restaurant but we'd have to drive into the acidic jewish part of brooklyn and anytime we drive to the so you did see a jew before you're 23 i saw them i didn't know them the first you ever met was dana strager the um um the banger no we didn't know them. The first you ever met was Dana Stregger. Did you bang her? No, we didn't. No, we were physical therapy students together.

Okay. But I wasn't sure. I did ask her because I was under the impression. May I bang you? No, I didn't say that. But when we were working together as physical therapy classmates, because I just didn't know the rules, I wasn't sure if I was legally allowed to touch a Jewish girl. Like, I didn't know. You want us to get you a dreidel?

Looks like you need a dreidel. I can't stop. ISIS, do we have the dreidel that we're supposed to get Ferrari? Because he spent, he wants, Jews just want to, yeah, they just, they want to spend. It's their natural thing. Yeah, the dreidel was just a replacement for that. So I remember we were driving in my grandfather's Saturn to go to Bomonti's, and when we get to the acidic Jewish neighborhoods, he would always put the windows up because he just,

he was like, oh, you know, and I. We don't rob. No, no. I think he just thought that there was there was a smell i think that's what he thought that's the jewish community no there's a smell it's not even them it's they don't shower those fucking that's what he says he was not a racist he was just like you know these people because of their religion they don't they my brother just sent me this article this guy got thrown off in some flight american united something like that because uh a bunch of pastors complained about his smell, him and his wife. Hasidic Jewish guy?

Orthodox, borderline Hasidic. And they're like, we don't smell, it's ridiculous. But they got him like a hotel room, money for meals that night, you know, and they got him on another flight the next day. Right. So it's like, if they're really just being anti-Semitic, why would they spend all this extra money? Yeah. It was like, no,

passengers complained. And he goes, we asked every other passengers the next day if we smelled and none of them said yes and it's like yeah idiot nobody's gonna tell you smell but i could look at those people and i'm like me and my brother i was like they for sure smell yeah yeah yeah now what's the difference between hasidism and orthodox okay it's the laws are about the same it's just the culture and the way they live so the curly fries you know yeah the side burns those are hasidic okay i had those for a couple years as what i was like rising up from orthodox but hasidic is like bigger okay and the ones that look like fiddle on the roof those are all hasidic those are acidic yeah but that's just cultural that's not a lot of weird shit like that

but do you have to be born into the hasidic or can you as an orthodox you can get it you can get hossed out yeah yeah you can get hossed out for sure oh they can grab you and like change your mind. But it's a little bit of inbreeding in there right because it's so close oh it's oh beyond just Jews fucking Jews just them yeah. Specifically that

community I'm not I'm just saying like because it's so close that you're going to fuck your sister or first cousin by accident you have to marry someone who's also Hasidic. Yeah, but there's enough Hasidic Jews that you wouldn't have to do that. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

It's not like you wouldn't have to do something from right in your neighborhood. It could be from one of the other Hasidic communities in Maryland or somewhere else. Why don't you ever really see any Hasidic Jews that are in really good shape? You never see a big jacked guy with a... How would you know with all those fucking... Well, you could just tell the way they're walking. They're not jacked kids. It's because their interest is really not in working out it's been an hour a day working out um i'm assuming like dumb guidos like you do that with a um yeah i used to take steroids yeah you did a cycle right i did a cycle of winchell

yeah one cycle yeah well yeah it was like well three months so i mean oh yeah but i did it illegally because i was in my senior year in college to play basketball I was trying to make it professionally overseas, so I took a little juice. Wow, yeah. That's just smart. But they wouldn't do it. They were like, you can use that time learning the Talmud. Right, I got it. Are you Ashkenazi? Ashkenazi. Now here's the deal.

Because Ashkenazi, sometimes they look like straight up Puerto Ricans, right? Or those Sephardic. Sephardic. Sephardic's a fucking smoking hot. Sephardic's Sephardic are the brownies. Sephardic's are fucking smoking hot. Sephardic's are the hotter ones. But would a Sephardic go with an Ashkenazi? It's no problem? Yeah.

Sort of. Is a Jew a Jew? Sort of. And that's more modern now. My dad, there's this story that his sister, when they moved to Israel, there was Ashkenazi and Sephardi Jews came together. His sister was dating a Sephardic kid. Okay.

And him and his buddy Aaron found that kid and put him in the hospital. They beat the shit out of him and put him in the hospital. Because according to him, no fucking Sephardi is going to date my fucking sister. I asked him about it now. But you're all Jews. He goes, no, now I understand how silly that was. Humans are shitty.

We need someone to hate. In a country where it was only Jews, we had just come out of the Holocaust. Still, though. We're tribal. It's all tribalism. Here's the thing about Ashkenazis. They found that Ashkenazis are like the smartest people on the planet.

You have that line that I love. I think it's the stuff you're doing now where people always wonder. It's like, because we're smarter than you guys. You want to know the truth why Jews are doing good? We're just smarter. We're just smarter. I don't know if we want to accept that or not. It's the truth. Yeah.

It's like when they say black guys got big dicks. It's like, okay. Everyone's like, sure, cool. So there's other physical... Our brains are just... I don't know. Part of it's like cultural. We value education, but we value education because we're smarter. They say Ashkenazi Jews have like the highest average IQ

of any group. Really? Yeah. I believe that. That's what they say. That's the Woody Allen Jews. So what is Ashkenazi Jews have like the highest average IQ of any group. Really? Yeah. I believe that. That's what Woody Allen Jews. So what is Ashkenazi? Where is Ashkenazia? My best friend Chet, he's Ashkenazi. Okay, so Jews get kicked out of Israel a lot over the years and sometimes we get kicked out just right outside the border and sometimes

they got really pushed us away and it was called diaspora and they had to go everywhere and some went north to like poland romania hungary czech republic uh even england and places like that france and they kind of and those are ashkenazi jews white areas of the white jews and some iraq iran jordan syria the sephardic those are the ones who are fucking pieces yeah yeah yeah i mean you'll get a cute ashkenazi jew here and there but the sephardics are sephardics are legit, breathtakingly gorgeous people. Well, it's like

Persians. It's like you get some of those Persian princes, but then you get some Iranian chicks who are fat plumpers, and you're like, okay, yeah, it's not all of them. Now, why do the people keep fucking Why are people always scapegoating the Jews? Why can't they? Why is it always the Jews? It always comes You're like, these people are, they're just crushing

it. They're sticking to themselves. And then everyone's, it's always fucking the Jews. Jews never bothered me. Even growing up, even though I never met them, I never, the Jews never pissed me off. Is it because of Jesus? Is it Jesus? Is it? It predates Jesus, right?

I think it does predate Jesus. I think it's really because we stick to ourselves. And then what do you think? You're better than us? Yeah. I think it's that. I think it's like, well, fucking join in or fucking get the fuck out of here yeah no you don't want to assimilate i get it yeah and so it's like and they don't even see you guys really as people

they're like they don't they don't hate you they don't like they just don't care a couple of the young ones might say hi and like talk and stuff right but like mostly like you have nothing to do with what we want like a hasidic jewish person sees me it's like not that he or she doesn't like me i just don't exist to them i not, they have nothing in common with me. They don't care. I say this is my special, but I'm like, to you, to Hasidic Jews, you guys, they see you the same way you see pigeons. Got it. Yeah.

Yeah. They just, they're not, they don't want to kill us. They acknowledge it's a living thing, but they're not going to talk to a pigeon. Right, they're here. Yeah. But who would be friends with one? That's ridiculous. A lot of the garb and a lot of those traditions, they just come from the past and they just

didn't change. Didn't change. It comes from the way they dress, the Hasidic Jews, the way they dress like that. It comes from 16th century Poland. It was the first time Jews had success financially. Okay. And so they were like, let's dress like that. It's kind of like rappers where they're like let's dress like rich now that we're rich we should dress up you know

right purple suits and all that shit is them trying to like what do rich people dress like so back then the polish noblemen dressed like that so you're saying in the 1600 1700 1800s the way they dress then is how they dress today. It's never really changed. Same shit. So a picture of a Hasidic Jew from 1805 looks the same as today. Almost exactly the same. Wow. You can get more machine-made stuff. You have more access to it, you know, to like those giant fucking fur caps.

Right. And so you could see like a Polish nobleman in 1600 and he would look like a Hasidic Jew. He would look exactly like a Hasidic Jew. Absolutely. And so why did they stop there? Because then they made their communities and like, this is how we dress in this community. Their styles changed and they just kind of stuck. They don't have any like, they're not looking for fashion.

Now, let me see if I got this right. When you get married, when you get married to a Hasidic Jew, you get married, the wife has to shave her head or the wife has to come out with a wig always because she can't ever show her real hair to anyone's not her husband after marriage is not during the wedding during the wedding you wear your real hair okay because once you're married it's it goes from the law of thou shalt not covet your neighbor's wife and they said one of the things that you would covet is hair hair is an attractive quality i love to smell hair women i love to smell women's hair and feet he. He likes feet. I'll put them in my mouth. Yeah, like a pacifier.

I like to bang with one just in my mouth. Yeah. His wife's going to have a long few years with him. Wait, you... I mean, I guess if you go like this and as you're like... He loves... He's like obsessive. He'll send me pictures about it. Look at her foot. Missionary, yeah. And then you're tagging it?

Yeah. Like some of the toots on Instagram that DM me. I'm like, you think this girl's hot? He can't make a judgment call unless he sees a pic of her feet. Do you want used feet or fresh feet? I like fresh, feminine feet. Like taking care of feet. Feminine feet. No, but he'll put his fiance's foot in his mouth right after work.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, my gosh. It's horrifying. There's a lot of femininity in the foot. I can't. Like, guys' feet. It's horrifying. There's a lot of femininity in the foot. I can't, like, guys' feet, it's gross. Masculinity and femininity, you can really see it in feet. My feet, look, my feet are repulsive.

Your feet are a fucking hate crime. They need to be put down. Yeah, your feet need to be fucking put down. Yeah. So, okay, so they, okay. First of all, did you know the Old Testament, that's the Jewish Bible. So you're fucking, you've been half Jew your whole life. Yeah.

So that's what it is. Yeah. That's why you got into show business. In the beginning of Christianity, when they're trying to convert a lot of people and get them in, they made them convert to Judaism first and then become a Christian. Right. Because at first they said only Jews become Christians, not Muslims. Not Muslims. So if a Muslim's not going to be Christian, you got to be Jewish.

Yeah. And then we can convert you to that. Now, can't the Christians and Jews just get together and just take down the Sandra Dees? Take them out. Yeah. Yeah. Because that'd be nuts. Yeah.

Because, yeah, that's Muzzy on the soundboard. He's Muzdow. Zach Isis, we call him. Yeah, he's Muzdow. Palestinian kid. So the shaving the hair so you don't get attracted. Really, you can just cover it. But they're like, let's look nice and let's get wigs

So a married Hasidic Jewish woman will have a shaved head For the most part a short haircut Or she just when they're out They can have regular long hair But when they're out they gotta put it under like a Fucking you know Or not even a wig you can put it under a hat And

Really cover it though Behind closed doors they're as sexual as everybody else they're giving blow jobs people everything they're going nuts they're watching porn everything no way they're watching porn they're not doing that no i don't understand i don't know they might give blow jobs but that's 50 50 on that one i don't really know but they definitely fuck and the commandment is go ahead fuck a lot fuck a lot make a lot of kids well because they all have so many kids but my my my Aunt Eileen who was a nurse at Wyckoff Heights Hospital and there's a lot there's a good amount

I don't know if it's a cynical orthodox Jews but it was definitely guys with the hats you know like Jew hats would come in she would say that you know like with the top I just like hearing it come out of your mouth no but I'm not trying to be a dick I'm just trying I didn't say you were I know it's the only way you know how to do it you just try your best

cause you met your first Jew at 23 this is new to you It's new to me She would come in My aunt would say they would come in often Like this would happen often With like horrifying STDs Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, Herpes Because they're paying top thousands of dollars

To prostitutes to have sex with them and no condom And they get these diseases And the wife is just sitting in the room with the kids because you can't divorce. And it's just like, this is what's happening. Don't, you know,

I have to say, I would go to like when I used to go to like those late night strip clubs, you'd see. Yeah. Here's the thing. Cause, cause it's strange because when they're dressed like that, your mind reads that as rabbi.

Yes. You know, but they're not rabbis just the same way. Like your priest dresses with that collar and everyone else, even if they're devout, they wear normal clothes. Right. But in Judaism and Hasidic Judaism,

it's like you, the dress is almost exactly the same. And so they're so different from us. You just picture them as these super devout people, but they're not. And they have the same urges we all have. Right. And they're fucking,

some of them are the gens and they have to fight it. And I saw the first one I ever saw in Montreal, this, this Hasidic Jew letting out of his car, one of the, a big black hooker right outside that training strip club, Cleopatra. And it was like,

what? And it's like, now they got the urge, man. Yeah. They go there and they don't, they don't, if you and me,

I could tell if I'm your buddy growing up, I'm like, I think I'm going to hook her. You can be like, Oh, you know, you gotta use a condom. Right. Right. But if you and me, I could tell, if I'm your buddy growing up, I'm like, I think I'm going to get a hooker. You can be like, oh, you know, you got to use a condom, right? Right. But if you're a Hasidic Jew, I can't go to anybody and ask.

So it's just like, let's see what happens. Could a Hasidic Jew. So it's, they added naive. Yeah, exactly. But like, what about jobs? Those are some of them that jerk off on subways. The Hasidic Jews, man, it's like, they're not all. Most are fucking normal, but the ones that are gross, man, it's like, they're not all. Most are fucking normal.

But the ones that are gross, they seem so much like, what the fuck? And just like with every religion, because the dogma says you can't do it. Then they want to. Makes them want to do it even more. What about jobs? What kind of jobs do they have? Any job. They can do anything.

Yeah. They all work at B&H. Diamonds. Electronics store. Diamonds, electronics, tailoring. They're very wealthy. It's a very wealthy group. We do. Diamonds. Electronics store. Diamonds, electronics, tailoring. They're very wealthy. It's a very wealthy group. We do well.

Yeah. We do well. A lot of those years and years ago, we weren't allowed to do certain jobs in America. We had to work on Saturdays. There were only a few jobs we couldn't work on Saturdays. And there's only a few jobs where we could get hired. So money lending was one of those, like, I guess we can just do this on our own. Right.

Being a tailor. Yeah. Banking. You know, shit like that. We just just do this on our own. Right. Being a tailor. Yeah. You know, shit like that. We just got into it. Selling jewelry. I don't know. Yeah. And then we just, like, kept going.

Since Jews are smarter and superior than the chosen, maybe we should all convert to. Maybe you guys figured it out. Maybe everyone else is wrong. You know, I also like it because, like, you guys don't have a hell. We got to get into this. We have purgatory. This is fucking get into this. We have purgatory. This is fucking fascinating. Everybody does purgatory.

11 months. That's the problem. And that's what I think that one of the key differences between Catholicism and Judaism is why my anxiety and guilt is through the roof. Because what I do here can place me in heaven. Like if I don't do well according to Catholicism and I don't abide by the rules, I'm going to go to hell. Whereas a Jew, it doesn't matter.

You're just in the dirt. You're going to purgatory regardless. It's just how hot is he going to make it to wash it clean? Got it. Yeah, because you got to get cleaned off. You're a Jew. Yeah. Yeah, you're going to have to have a power washer. Yeah. Because I'm a Jew. No, I'm kidding. Give me a Weishan Shian. Come on. Yeah, come on. What the fuck are you doing, Zach? You want to know

why he did it? Because he's a Muslim. He was a Jew joke and he liked it. He wanted it to stick. Yeah, he wanted it to stick. Because he's a he didn't he didn't read it as a joke he thought of it more of as a true statement yeah he was like yeah no true true yeah that's jerry roker's joke that is his uncle is too racist to get racist jokes yeah at the end of every he just goes i know right yeah yeah okay so it's 11 months in purgatory regardless regardless so it's easier it's hard there's honestly it's just like I got a power washer. How hard do I have to turn it up to get this crud off?

And then what happens after those 11 months? You have to sit with God. Okay. Nobody's going to hell then. No one's going to hell. Oh, there's 50 levels of good and bad. If you are at the lowest level of good or bad, highest level. So it's like a picture of a ladder.

Your main floor, 50 floors up, 50 floors down. If you go down that 50th floor down then you'd never go to heaven you get chased for eternity by demon dogs and they say like hitler they like to believe hitler went there but even that it's like 50th level is hard he might have only been like 42 really yeah like you know when people say that chick's hot she's a 10 and you're like then you get kind of offended you're like come on dude you can't just throw the word 10 out yeah yeah she yeah, she's an 8 look a Mike no 8 still really good Yeah, you walk around you see an 8 on the street in New York. Yeah, you're hot. Just Christ that girl's hot

Yeah, so the 47th level of of hell of negative is like pretty fucking bad. That's a hitler Well, I mean if Hitler yeah, but if Hitler's not 50 then nobody is he's got it right? I might be nobody being there. I don't know is that in the Torah or the Old Testament or is that Torah shit? It's not Old Testament. It's like deep, deep cuts. What comes together to make the... Okay, the Torah is the Bible itself, then the Talmud,

which is the oral tradition, which is now written down, but it was passed along orally for a long time. It wasn't allowed to be written down, but then they were afraid it was going to be forgotten, so they wrote it in Aramaic. But like, that's a Talmud or Gemara, and that's discussions of the Torah. So like, thou shalt not kill is the law, but they gotta have

like, getting more information. We're on self-defense. You know, what about accidental? Do I get put to death for all of them? No, no, no. The Talmud discusses why. Don't mix meat and milk. You know, it's like, what does that mean? So then the Talmud discusses how. What happens if I kill you and your wife's a widow? How much money do I owe her?

That's all Talmud stuff. And then the subsects of the Talmud and then the weird, like, mystical ones, too, that people don't really say. That's Kabbalah, which is like, it's just out there shit. Is that what the lights? Like, Friday, you can't put on the lights until Sunday, right? Okay, yeah. You want to know why? Well, what is Saturday night?

Saturday night, yeah. Because usually on Saturday nights, I would always see, you know, if you drive to that part of Brooklyn, you would just see, you know, a bunch of Jews running towards a bowling alley or something like that on Saturday night. Oh, a Saturday night. Yeah, yeah, because they could do some activity with lights on. We used to go to Blockbuster and get videos. You'd see all the same Jews with, like, khaki pants and button-down blue shirts, like, all

looking for videos. So what's behind that? Why can't you turn the lights on it's it comes from i mean i know more about this than probably any comedian maybe ilan or or uh moody lieberman yeah yeah maybe moody too yeah but um you can't work on the sabbath okay and instead of just saying don't work they also list specific jobs you can't do so even if it's not your job your job is comedian but you also can't write because scribe was one of the seven or eight jobs. I see.

So no touching a pen or pencil, not even touching one because it's like being a scribe. Another job was fire starter. And so electricity, the only reason it's not allowed is because there's a spark in like a light bulb and that spark is like fire. Do the Jews have crafty ways of getting around that? guys are good craftsmen absolutely we jews love loopholes yeah you fucking learn a lot of shit just by watching them absolutely jews love loopholes why we're good lawyers yeah so uh what about like timers so i'm not the one putting i on on friday daytime before it even started i set this to let go like if you have a candle and it burns and it

burns all the way down, it goes out on Saturday morning. You didn't do it. It went out on its own. Candle timer. I like it. Who were the first Jews? Who started it? Oh, they have another one for high-level ambassadors and stuff. They have a phone

that answers itself. Every 10 seconds, it picks up and then drops off. Wow. Picks up. So if it's picked up, well, you can then pick it up and then it won't drop off.

Um, they have Shabbos elevators for the Hasidic Jews that it just goes to every floor on Friday night and say, you don't touch it. It's just, it's going already. So you haven't done anything one way or the other. Wow.

Yeah. Loop holes. Loop holes. And what if I was just, I just said to everyone I was a Hasidic Jew and I just turned around and said, hey guys, this is fucking stupid. Would I be done? I was like, why don't I just press that button? It doesn't

really fucking matter. Culturally, yeah. I wanted to do it for a hidden prank show. I wanted to dress up and go to a real Orthodox Hasidic synagogue. Sit there with them all day for four hours on Shabbos, you know, and then everybody's out and then the front, you know, you see them all congregating outside the synagogue, you know, where they're like done and they're saying hi and talking. And they just have a big black hooker walk by and just start making out with her in front of everybody.

Just go for it. But like sit with them so they think I'm one of them. Yeah. Is it fun, you think, like through the Assyrians, are they having fun? And the Orthodox Jews? They are. When they celebrate something on Shabbos or Rosh Hashanah or New Year. They get they are when they celebrate something like shabbos or russian they get hammered and all oh yeah poor them they get hammered they get him for weddings they celebrate yeah but in their own way yeah yeah

the kids they have good lives like it's it's good like it's not like culty and weird nothing crazy's happening yeah the kids have fun we i mean we we watch sports and well it's like a hasidic jewish kid would like watch the Knicks. Yeah, for sure. Got it. Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely.

But they just weren't cursed when they're like, what the fuck was that? Right, right, right. Who were the... Back to that question. Who started it? Like, how did Jews... How did that religion get founded? Who was the first one?

It was God. God. I don't know if you know... Adam was the first Jew? No, Adam was not... He was not a Jew. Adam was the first human. No, Adam was not. I'm pretty sure it was. Adam was the first human. Moses.

I'm trying to think when the Jews started. So the laws all start with Moses. Moses went up, got the Ten Commandments, and with it, the whole rest of the Torah. And Christians believe that. Yeah, we believe that. Ten Commandments, yeah. Yeah. But Abraham, Isaac.

Abraham was, I guess, the first Jewe because god said i'm gonna make a great nation out of your out of your seed right and their numbers will be like the sands of the ocean and the stars and the in the heavens ibrahim ibrahim he was the first joe yeah and they have ibrahim and that was israel right is that what it's that was all in israel yeah yeah and it wasn't like we need this borders but it was like that's gonna be your land right um so him isaac jacob was and then it just spread out from there yeah really spread i used to i used to take i took a few classes of krav maga which is israeli jew street fighting yeah and it was not stop punching not ever stop and it's all about and i like it because you know they're surrounded by their enemies all over it's not about like i

mean it's an art but it's not about like submission hold it's like gouge and I like it because, you know, they're surrounded by their enemies all over. It's not about like, I mean, it's an art, but it's not about like submission hold. It's like gouge in the eyes, pull your nuts out. I'm destabilizing you. You're debilitated. I'm going to fucking ruin your life. So my dad served in the Israeli army in 56. So 49, 48, it started 56. It was like, I mean, they were trying to find weapons you know i mean like guns so that

everyone could have a gun so they had to get donations for guns and like intercept arms otherwise they had no army it wasn't like how much money should we put to the defense it wasn't like that it was like we just don't have access or money for it so it's like get what you can so they had to train them to like it's going to be a real possibility they're going to be out there alone separated from your troop um um, with no gun, no weapons, maybe a knife, maybe not.

And you're going to come across two Arabs, you know, who are also trying to kill you. Maybe they don't have, if they have a gun, you're dead, you know? Right.

Um, so my dad, what they taught him was you got two Arabs and you got you. So you're both coming together at him. You look at one and then you like, we get ready and you kick the other one in the balls as hard as you can. Right. So you're on the load, lift them off the ground with your fucking kick. Look at one, and then you kick the other one in the balls as hard as you can. Just unload. Lift him off the ground with your fucking kick.

And then he's debilitated. Kill the first one, and then get back to the second one that you kicked. And that's Krav Maga. Yeah, I mean, it's a lot of that. It's the beginning of it, Chris. Well, and also. The founding of it. Yeah.

He said any one-on-one, you can kill any Arab. It's basically a martial arts that started for just kill Arabs by any means necessary. But you're like you're like a Jewish guy. You're like a Jewish guy born and raised here in America. But could you join the Israeli army if you wanted to? They want that. I know you get to go there on a free trip. Oh, no.

But if you move there, you can't not go to the army unless you move after 35. Then they're like, all right, we don't want you. So you're now if we if this was Israel, we would all have done time in the army yeah you have to and if you don't if you're like i have flat feet and get out of it it's embarrassing you got to hide that fact people will look down on you really women like everybody yeah if you did yeah women they're like there's clerical work there's shit you got to do it's two it's three years or you're away from your family like three years you're gone, because it's such a small country. You can get anywhere in 10 hours with bus. I mean, anywhere from the very bottom to the very top.

So you go home every couple of weeks. You have leave. And they all carry their weapons. It's like going away to college. I've been to Haifa. I've been to Tel Aviv, Jerusalem. Do you see those army people with guns on them? They take the magazines out, but they're just there.

When did you go there, Yohannes? Well, my cousin is married to David Ben-Gurion's grandson. Whoa. Yeah. So he's the last one to carry the name. Jimmy Ben-Gurion? No, Alon Ben-Gurion.

Okay. Yeah. That's my cousin-in-law. So you would go there for like... When you fly in, you fly into Ben-Gurion Airport. My cousin's grandfather is like the George Washington of fucking Israel. Is it a beautiful country?

It's beautiful. It's gorgeous. It's gorgeous. And beautiful women, too, right? A lot of history there. Sick, right? Yeah, Masada. A lot of good history.

Roman history. Roman history. Jewish history. Will a Jewish woman, like an Israeli woman. She'll bang you out. Yeah, could I hook up? Oh, yeah. Very unlikely. No, you get a lot. She'll bang you out. Yeah, could I hook up? Oh, yeah. Very unlikely.

No, you get a lot. Because most Jews in Israel are not religious Jews. Secular. It's a secular country. Yeah. And that's why they're our ally. Build a wall. Yeah.

All right. Yeah. Because. Yeah, we have a lot of walls. Yeah. Because like in the American media, they'll make Israel, they'll make it seem like it's not safe. You're going to get blown up.

None of that is true. It's as safe. It's all likely to happen here as it is there kind of telling somebody this just now it's other interview i just did so i got back from like southeast asia i went to timor last day east timor and joe rogan was like is it safe i'm like well you tell me he's like all right give me the stats i wrote last year there were 562 not deaths 562 murders murders 562 and jo deaths, 562 murders. Murders. 562. And Richard was like, Jesus, that's a lot. I'm like, oh no, I'm sorry, I fucked up.

That's Chicago. And he goes, oh, okay. I'm like, no, no, but that same thing you just had for like, oh, it's so dangerous I'll never go there, you should put that on Chicago now. But he won't because you don't think of it that way. It's in America, yeah, yeah. There's stuff and it gets in the news for sure, but just like terrorism here. If you were a foreigner visiting America, if you were a

Vietnamese person visiting America for a month, then you went back to Vietnam and people were like, ask you about it. You know, your Vietnamese friends asked you like, how was it? Were they all, was terrorism like a huge thing in school shootings? Was that like a big thing everyone's talking about? And they're like, they'd be like, actually, no, mostly what they were talking about was men and females. Yeah.

Like the male female relationships at work and stuff. Yeah. What? Not the terrorism in the school shootings? Like, yeah, I would have thought so too. talking about was men and females. Yeah. Like the male-female relationships at work and stuff. Yeah. Like what? Not the terrorism and the school shootings? Yeah. Yeah, I would have thought so too. But it's like nobody

even gives a shit about that. Right. They only care about the... So when you go there, it's not an everyday thing with the terrorists. It's like... It's always in the back

of their heads, but like, nah. Well, they've taken a lot of precautions to limit it. Yeah. Effective precautions. You cannot leave your bag out.

Not over there. It's a scissors package. If you see it out, like package, who's is it? Move. Everyone move away from it right now. And they get the bomb squad in.

You can't leave your shit. My friends did that once. Uh, he was in the settlement, uh, was waiting for his friend to come out to like, go get the bus to, into Tel Aviv or something like that.

And I couldn't come. And then he was like, Hey, what are you doing? They were playing video games. And then he got locked up and like, and they started playing for an hour and they went outside and there was a whole cordoned off thing around his bag wow and uh yeah they were sending the robot on to blow it up

wow they do things uh and that's why the israelis have gotten so good at security consulting just necessity is the mother of invention they live yeah so they just have become really good at it and they do a lot of airport consulting. Oh, yeah. They're not very PC with it. They're just very practical. Yeah, you can actually get through security pretty fast, but they're not. TSA here, you saw the stats with it.

95% of fake bombs get right through with the testers. They don't really catch anything. This is how the Israelis do it. Ain't nothing getting through. They go, Yanis Pap is going through. They'll do a quick search. Sounds like a Greek name. Let's put him through. It's going's going through yeah you're getting pulled over yeah

well that's where it comes from yeah they just do it that way but they don't let you through with nothing they still ask you the question that make you go through the fucking x-ray thing due diligence but you know the arab's getting pulled over so what what made you walk away from it i didn't believe in god i finally like looked inwards and it just wasn't there. And then it was distressing for a long time. And then I was like, I'm out. I'm out. I'm done.

I got to talk about it. When did you come out? 23 years old. So your whole family is Orthodox. No, not 23. I lost my virginity at 23. 21. Whole family's Orthodox.

Whole family's Orthodox. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My brother's out now too wow he still does some stuff does your family like are they fine with it though you know it took a while but now it's like yeah whatever they got grand they got nine religious grandkids that would be like i guess for you like if you came out while your dad's still alive as trans yeah yeah that's how it happened your family feels like they have a trans kid trans what a giant which one's worse if you have a parent trans Trans kid or gay kid?

Trans. Trans. Gay kid. Trans. Because I think. I was talking about this the other day. I was talking about this the other day. I think somebody asked me, do you want your kid to be gay?

And it's like, do I want? No. No. If they are, fine. Same thing with trans. Do I want them? No, of course not. I don't want that.

But if it happens i will be fully supportive because i think as a parent all i want is my child to have the least the path of least resistance through her life yeah so i realized that being trans is going to make her a target for things and i don't want it but i'll support it and be her ally through anything yeah i i don't i wouldn't want my kid to be gay for that reason but also another reason is because i want my kid being the same kind of shit that i was into for the same reason i don't want my kid to be gay for that reason, but also another reason is because I want my kid being in the same kind of shit that I was into. For the same reason, I don't want my kid playing fucking soccer. Right.

Basketball. Right. You know? So I can be into this. You do juke shit. I don't know the fucking rules of plays of soccer. So obviously it's like, I'd be okay with it, but no, if I'd rather, or you can play soccer or basketball, play basketball.

I respect that. Yeah. But it's like, it's illogical to me, but somebody in today's world would say that you're fucking anti-soccer and you're a piece of shit yeah exactly yeah exactly so what else the question do you have about jews we're very tight community yeah very tight community we've noticed that one yeah yeah um what a question so i have about jews um the yarmulke what is it what's the point the point of a yarmulke? That's not a law. That's a cultural thing. It's to signify God's above you. God's above you.

So it's like a humility thing. Yeah. But then you don't, you'll see them take it off when they go to like baseball games. Well, you won't see them take it off. Because the fucking anthem's playing, take it off. Have respect for the troops. Support the troops. Yeah.

Yeah. It's convenient for bald spots. Yeah, it is. It covers it up. Yeah is yeah i know his soda was starting to get a ring yesterday i said if he could just throw yami on there and go jew while he's out in public he'll be all right yeah i mean that's the only way you get laid people trying to get a little thin up there yeah but everywhere else it looks totally thick so yeah just cover it up you don't even know yeah cover a bald patch on your fucking lawn by parking a car on there true yeah um yeah i um i'm fascinated i've always uh basketball with

it we keep the women's hair clips is how we keep them on right well yeshiva university we used to play yeshiva university was it really yeah well the women i went there women played in skirts yeah so but some of them are really good pants underneath the skirt yeah and some of them were so they couldn't dribble the ball between their legs so that was like you could prevent certain things like you can't hit the ball. So that was good. But, but the men, when we played the men, some of them were from Israel.

These guys were fucking jacked. They were such great, great, great athletes. We lost to Yeshiva one year and it was a big St. Joseph's college. It was all division three. So you were in the Yeshiva university league.

I played golf for Yeshiva university. Yeah. Well, they came to us. I don't know that we played them on neutral sites No but you were in the division is what he said They were in the division 3

One year they had a very good team because they had a player who was at Yeshiva University I'm forgetting his name, he was at Yeshiva University, devout Jew but was getting recruited by I think division 1 or high division 2 teams at Yeshiva University, a devout Jew, but was getting recruited by, I think, Division I or high Division II teams. Really?

At Yeshiva. Fucking kicked the shit out of us. We lost badly. I remember that kid. He was awesome. They called him the Jewish Jordan. No, it wasn't that kid. It wasn't that kid.

That kid was going to play for University of Maryland. This kid. He didn't even start at the end. He was overhyped. Yeah, he was overhyped. He was so good. But then he went on. He went to Israel and, and I believe played in the Israeli

Professional League, which is, I mean, Maccabeeb Tel Aviv beat the Toronto Raptors. No, they did not. Yeah, like 10 years ago, they beat the Toronto Raptors in a scrimmage game. It's a good league. Israeli league. Bullshit. That wasn't a full squad then for the Raptors. No fucking way.

No, they did. I mean, we could Google it, but they did. It was like a historic thing. ISIS, can you check that out? ISIS. Do you know how to use computers for good, not for sales? Yeah. Do you know how to, can it good and not for sales? Yeah.

Do you know how to, can it look up anything positive for Jews? Yeah, close the screen. Close the screen you currently have open that says all Jews die and Google. Yeah. Get to work. Yeah. Yeah, I, yeah, man, fucking Jews. Yeah, we're weird.

We're a tight-knit community. Well, you're not, but you're an atheist, so atheist So what do they look How do they look at you now You're a traitor It's weird Sort of The Hasidic Jews Look at me as a traitor Yeah

The Orthodox ones do too My friends are always trying Not traitor But it's like Trying to get me back Right So if it was a traitor They're like fuck you forever

They just feel like You've fallen out Yeah but they're like Hey can we learn A little Talmud They want me back in Yeah If it was a traitor

They'd be like Fuck you forever Right This isn't like that they're like damn he's swayed let's get him let's get him okay so you look at it's more like they look at me more like you guys would look at me if i became homeless right we're like we gotta help all right get him back to home full right right you know do you now do you look at them like uh because you're wasting their lives you're like you guys are wrong absolutely there's no god you're wrong for a while i was angry at them i was like what the fuck are you doing or trying to be real combative yeah and then it's like who gives a shit just do your stupid well it's it's it's to

a point like my cousin she's a firefighter now but she was an emt and she showed up one one day to this uh accident car accident she was a first responder and it was a jew orthodox or acidic jewish woman six seven months, bleeding out from her legs. And she said, let me get you on the stretcher, you know, like whatever. And she said,

Nope, I'm waiting for my ambulance. And my cousin was like, we need to get your baby is losing oxygen. There's a woman. So it's a woman. It's not a man. No,

don't touch me. Don't touch me. The ambulance comes. She said, what? Four or five minutes later, baby died. So, and she's like, you know, we could have saved that baby we really could have saved that

that's just bad education for her well that was my question is like would somebody else you know that's not most Jews won't do that even the Hasidic Jews would be like if it's life or death you can get help from anybody anybody can touch you absolutely life and death you can touch anybody, if it's life or death, you can get help from anybody. Anybody can touch you. What they would do. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Life and death. You can touch anybody. You can kill for life and death. Like if someone's coming in to shoot, I'm allowed to shoot that guy. Yeah. You know, normally you can't kill. So if like you have a Hasidic, I know like you're not allowed to touch. Like I can't just touch a Hasidic Jewish woman.

That'd be against the rules. But if the house is on fire, I can pull her out. Or if she's off a cliff falling and she's like, give me your hand. I can grab her. She would be like, yeah, for sure. Got it. Got it. And it wouldn't just because she's being a pussy know a pussy about it it becomes like no you're allowed

okay you know so this woman was just poorly educated poorly educated but you know how the crown heights riots started i lived through it right what how did it happen didn't somebody accidentally hit wow they hit a child yes it wasn't it wasn't no it wasn't jews who did it it was somebody hit these two kids yeah black kids Black kids or Jewish kids? One black kid, one Jewish kid. Okay. Called the ambulance. And you're familiar with 9-11. 9-11.

He didn't jerk off on that day out of respect for the country. I didn't. I actually didn't jerk off until Bush said we're sending in troops to Iraq. And then you're like, okay. Afghanistan, I meant to say. A lot of people did that. We felt like in solidarity. Like we felt it was wrong to touch ourselves while the towers were going down.

Wow. I said that wrong. I did not mean 9-11. I meant 9-1-1 is a joke by Public Enemy. Yeah. Yeah. When you look back on this shit now, by the way, when you're like, fuck the police and shit like that, I always thought it was funny.

But now I'm like, oh, they really weren't great to black people. Yeah. Oh, I'm starting to see why this song came. Well, we were saying about like everything's all the rage about Ted Bundy now. Yeah, he was a black kid. But if he was black and he would have been in jail and never killed anybody else

it was because he was white. He would have made it to Florida. And look, we're like fucking white guys so some of the things were like, oh, this is bullshit. But that was like, yeah. You got it. Yeah.

So anyway, 911's a joke. Getting there in time and the Jewish ambulance service that we paid extra for to make sure Jews were covered and travel around this little small ambulance service in the super Jewish parts of town. Like, we'll just like like we'll call them ourselves if but again if another one gets there

it gets there but this jewish ambulance service got there first black kid i think a little black girl and a and a jewish kid both bleeding out in the middle of the street both yeah and they picked up the jewish kid and left the black kid and the black kid died black kid died yeah survived yeah and they went fucking ape shit and the jews in defense i guess their defense is like look this has nothing to do with the black you're still just waiting if we didn't do this service they'd both be dead why shouldn't we save one and they were like yeah save the other one too yeah and they're like yeah okay looking back maybe but they just were like no and then in the crime rights riots how many people got killed? More people got killed, right?

It was wild. I lived 10 minutes from there. Really? Adjacent to Park Slope, yeah. How old are you? 43. Oh, so I'm 44. So I remember being a young kid and you were too.

Yeah. I was right there. What year was it? It was the Dinkins era. Late 80s? Early 90s. Early 90s, yeah. 90, maybe 90?

Right around 90, 80, 90. 91. 91. 91. Is there a good Crown Heights riots documentary? There's got to be. I mean, it was a big thing, man. I mean, it was a big thing.

I don't know. Did anyone else die in that, or it was just like there was violence? There was two deaths. Two deaths. So it wasn't... Was it a Jew's died, or did the blacks die? It doesn't say. We'll do an episode on we did we did the la riots a lot of people died now remember it was like 60 something there's only two deaths but a bigger l i mean israel while the la riots are going on and they were like what is this city of angels huh in their

accent like this is not so angelic i'm like i don't know man i don't live in la yeah i live in a so one of them was a Jew that was killed by a group of about 20 young black men. Can you say Jew with less fucking animus in your voice? Jesus, Jew. Fucking Jew. A Jew. Around three hours after the riots began.

20 black guys beat up a Jewish kid. Yeah, and then there was another related shooting murder two weeks after the riots had been controlled well here's the thing about Crown Heights we used to go there that's where we got our weed one side back then was all black and then the other side of Eastern Parkway

was all Hasidic so they live they both live there but they were they were it was separate it was segregated so it was like they had this thing where they kind of just were there on either side of Eastern Parkway, right? And this was just a powder keg. It happened and boom, it just exploded.

That might happen in Bay Ridge because one side is the Muslims and the other side is the Italians. No. It could happen. I think those days are over. Yeah, it's probably over. I think those days are over. All it needs is one thing to set it off. And those Muslims, they get emotional.

Yeah, they do. So you lived in a kibbutz for two months? Two months in Tveria. Now, you guys, what's a kibbutz? They're socialists. A utopian society. Everyone chips in however they can. We all get free food, free board.

Does it work, utopian society, do you think? A few people it works yeah it's small and small once you i've heard this about cities though the problem of all out of each other's throats is you're not supposed to be over a hundred people in your village or something like that whatever the number is it's small maybe if it's a few hundred and then after that you you stop knowing everyone so it doesn't work as a city so you're like get away from me don't touch me don't talk right right right um and new york obviously is so massive but it's like you can't talk to a stranger right here um so everyone chipped in so you gotta like somebody takes care of the kids works in the kindergarten someone else

uh fucking handles the turkey farm what was your job i picked avocados for a while i worked in the kitchen washing dishes for a while this is in israel in In Israel, yeah. But mostly I was a punk kid. I was just like claim sickness and try to get out of work. Right. So you became a comic. Yeah. Yeah. But this is when you already left the Orthodox community, right?

No, this is when I was still in. Okay. This is when I was still in. I was right before I went to Yeshiva, actually. So six months, my high school goes there for six months for the last semester of senior year. Chris is German. So he just said that he didn't

want to say it. Stefano is German? Yeah, he's mostly German. I have the Italian last name, but when I did the Ancestry.com, I found that I'm like 70% German. And he comes from a German neighborhood. I mean, Ridgewood's a German neighborhood. Whoa. Mostly German. German neighborhood, yeah. So we want to just clean

the place up sometimes. My mother always told me, because my mother was in Crete when the Nazis attacked, she said Germans just can't have, and my mother's law educated, forelawed, she says Germans just have it in them. She said they just like, there's a thing in them where they want to just clean up. They want to erase people. It's a German thing. Clean up.

They just want to clean up. They want to take the broom out and just get rid of all Romani people. Yeah, yeah. up. They just want to clean up. They want to take the broom out and just get rid of all Romani people. Yeah. But Chris said for you, he just wanted to give you thanks because you sterilize yourself and so that makes less Jews. And he thinks you did a service for the Reich. Me, myself. Yeah.

You really did a favor for the Reich. We appreciate that. That was one of the original plans of the Reich. It was like, let's just sterilize them. That's going to take too long to get rid of them. Let's get rid of them. That was a real plan., let's just sterilize them. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's going to take too long to get rid of them. Let's get rid of them. Yeah. That was a real plan. Like if we just sterilize every five-year-old woman. Yeah, that was my idea.

You would have been first in line and be like, hey, I just want to fuck for free. Yeah, sure. I don't want to hit kids anyway. Oh, those Jews, the STDs would have spread rampant if they were all sterilized. Like, that's fucked. No reason not to use a gun. I heard STDs go crazy in old age homes. Yes, they do.

They do. They're not afraid at all of pregnancy. Why would you be? Yeah. So then it's like, I'm like, he's like, I'm like 78.

You seem really at peace with that decision though. You just, you don't want kids. No, it took me, I was, years in my mind,

I'm like, I want to get a vasectomy and then finally like, did because I was like, what am I waiting for? It's been years and my opinion has not changed. I have no interest in kids.

Do you guys want them? My buddy, I have a kid. Yeah, I'm probably, I'm going to do it. I respect people who don't want them? My buddy, Chet. I have a kid, yeah. I'm probably, I'm going to do it. I respect people who don't want children. My buddy, Chet, has two.

Absolutely. He got a vasectomy, too. Yeah, Renesies got a vasectomy after two. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like it's, I don't, whatever you want to do. You still bust nuts. I love my kid. Yeah, still bust nuts.

Is it white or clear? Same shit. Same one. It's just you got no swimmers. No swimmers in there. It's kind of like a chicken egg. If there's no rooster, the chicken egg looks exactly the same as if there is a rooster. Got it.

But sometimes they'll sit on it and it'll eventually become a chicken. Right. If there's a rooster. Right, right, right. Wow. Do you feel like when you were single, because you couldn't get anybody pregnant, you would be less inclined to use condoms or you still scared of disease? Yeah, I wouldn't use condoms all the time.

It took so many chances. And you never got you never got anything you never got the clap you never got hurt you know i got chlamydia yeah i got chlamydia too yeah but you and warts everybody has warts yeah but you never got herp no i never that's good that's the only one now what if you die and you just open your eyes yeah you're on the fucking you're on the third ring of purgatory are you gonna go fuck i had it wrong no i've already done this math in my head yeah i would tell god i'm like hey man i didn't believe wait so god would be there was yarmulke and boo ari welcome you really you know you disappointed us there's a lot of us that were pulling for you the first half of the life you were on the kibbutz you did

good and then you started doing the comedy i understand what you're saying but you didn't put belief in god in me you didn't believe believe. You didn't put it in me. Ari, it was everywhere. Our people are chosen. Then why didn't I believe, God? I didn't believe that you didn't put that in me. If you had put it in me, I would have done it. If you just said in the heavens, oh, we, the Jews are chosen people.

If I saw that when I left every morning. But then that takes away the faith, Ari. Ari, there's no faith. You're supposed to have faith. I can't just tell you. But you didn't give me the faith to have. What really happened, Ari, is you started hanging out with the Schwartzes And then it went downhill

You shouldn't have hung out with the Schwartzes Schwartzes is one of my favorite derogatory words Cause Schwarzenegger that's a rough name Arnold Schwarzenegger has two slurs in it Yeah Look at these text messages You're texting the two I wasn't texting the two

I was looking up for our Patreon members. Prostitute. To circle back real quick, Maccabee Tel Aviv did beat the Raptors 105-103 in 2005. What was their squad? The Raptors. The full squad? Full squad from 2005.

You're inferring. You didn't realize. Whatever their team was in 2005, that's who was there. I told you. The Maccabee Tel Aviv won within the last 0.8 seconds. Yeah, they're legit. Wow, that's crazy.

Jews are fucking good. You know, they're not all... We play basketball, we play baseball. Well, Sandy Koufax... I mean, Edelman just won MVP. Yeah, but he's like a 10th Jewish. Nah, fully Jewish. Yeah, fully Jewish.

I'm taking him. Greeks do the fully Jewish. I'm taking him. Greeks do the same thing. I'm taking him. We're trading Alex Edelman for him. Yeah. You take the Greek freak. Good trade. You traded up there.

Yeah. So wait, you said you did the math. So you show up and you're in hell. I was like, I didn't believe. I would have loved to have believed, but I didn't. So now I know. I'll fucking do it now. So you got to just work. It's like it's too late. It's like, no, you, if you're

just God, and you know I didn't believe, then that's on you, man. Right. Give me the belief. You gave me fingers. Give me the belief. But doesn't that go against belief? Belief's supposed to be your submission to him. Blind faith. Catholics have blind faith.

But the blind faith doesn't make any sense because I've had these protestant friends in college and they're like you need to accept jesus to go to heaven and i finally got out of them if i don't i go to hell but i'm like do you think that's fair do you think god is fair like yes god's for sure fair i'm like okay but you had two protestant parents telling you protestant is the way and i had two jewish parents telling me protestant is completely wrong so you are way more likely to accept Jesus than I will. And that's not fair. So if you believe in a fair God, Native Americans didn't get God, didn't get Jesus. And they all go to burn in hell forever.

You out-Jewed your Jew. You're so smart as a Jew, you got rid of the Jew. I think I'd be fine with it. And then it's like, does God just apply to humans? Because we see in nature fucking lions pull zebras out of mothers' wombs and crack their heads in front of them. Where's God there? Is there a God regulating that world? What about that?

Is there a zebra God? A lion God? Yeah. Because that's horrifying. That's pretty shitty. So what do you think it is? What do you think? Do you think we're just a random creation that sprung from a microbe in the water and it's just chaos?

No different than a fucking cauliflower. Are we simulation? I don't think simulation, but I don't really know any of that shit, but I think it's just like, or just a chance. Yeah, it's just a chance. Just, it was,

but how was, for it to become a chance, there needed to be the possibility, the potential for that chance, which is wild to think. Yeah, I think electricity, I don't know how they just, how scientists do it.

That's the thing, my religious friends always try to like out think me into going back like how do you explain humanity then if there's no god and i was like okay well i can't like see i'm like no because but me not being able to explain something doesn't mean it's god yeah like i don't understand how the telephone works right but it's not god right i just have no clue you could ask me all day and i'm how do i send a text message to China so quick? Yeah. I don't know.

Yeah. But they'd be like, see God. I'm like, no, no God. Are you much happier now that you're out of it? So much happy. But also I have stand up. I have a passion, you know? Right, right, right.

Oh, you have money. Yeah. There's so much extra shit. Let's be honest. You're making real money right now. Let's just, let's just be fucking honest. You put that card to the table. You're selling tickets.

Cause you know, if you weren't selling tickets, you might be right back to the fucking kibbutz you might right be back to the utopian society but you're fucking moving tickets because let's call spade a spade i had a rabbi tell me like he was like do you have to work on the sabbath i'm like yeah friday night it's like a big day for yeah he goes can you do it in a shinoy a strangeness if you have to do something wrong you're doing a strangeness? If you have to do something wrong, you do it in a strangeness. What does that mean? So like, let's say I had to eat non-kosher. Okay. Don't use a fork.

If I have to, because I'm in a country where there's no kosher food, it's just monkey meat and that's it. Just use your hands then. Yeah. Just use my hands. Okay. Just do something where it's strange. So I don't, I'm not like being like normalized about it.

So he goes, can you hold the microphone with like your elbows or something? And I'm like, Rabbi, no, I can't. I really can't. That's where you tapped out. Yeah.

Yeah. And he's like, do you have to use lights on the Sabbath? I'm like, well, my job as a cover booth person at the comedy store was to turn the light on, like give people the light. Yeah.

Yes. I do have quite literally. And this is when you were 23 years old. This is at this point I was 25. Yeah. Wow. And he was like, can you do that with the elbow? I'm like, all right.

I did for a while. I'm like, I'll turn the light on. It's like a twister thing. So I'm like, I'll turn it on with my elbow. Yeah. Now, you're doing very well. You're very successful. You guys, you're like your own network.

I'm my own thing. It's amazing. It's great. So I got into a fight with a comic recently, and he was like, you should just be nice to people just because you don't know who's going to give you jobs and I was like oh yeah I come

from a different generation you're the giver of jobs I make my own work you're the giver of jobs it's the best isn't it I'll be nice to people if I feel I should be nice to them

yeah but what I'm saying is you don't come across you're a very humble kind of normal guy does that come from does that come from your religious background a little bit or does that come from you that come from your religious background a little bit or does that come from you making it

in your 70s like hopefully I do or else I'm done I think it's more because I struggled for so long because I was like an employee at the comedy store for so long and fucking poor so now that I have money I'm like I know what it's like to be poor you know who's the worst with that

people who like get rich when they're like 22 yeah just say what it is Pete Davidson yeah shit like that you know who's the worst with that people who get rich when they're like 22 yeah just say what it is Pete Davidson yeah shit like that child stars in general they have no idea my friend said they went to the Oscars or Golden Globes they got like a ticket and the valet was there

and one of those like American Pie ladies somebody pulled up and she goes oh who brought a Honda like looking so far down on it and it's like it's a fucking car shut the fuck up it's functional yeah did you unfollow fuck jerry i never followed fuck jerry in the first place but that's like the new thing you have to fire them right i don't know i just want to know what i just know that i'm getting i just know that i'm getting emails and dms from people. Hey, you still follow. Fuck Jerry. Why are you following them?

Yeah, every comic is saying like- Because it's just the fat Jew. Same shit. Yeah, same shit. Just stealing people's stuff and not giving them credit. But I'm saying, what are the rules though? Because those people, those aggregators of online content, now they credit people when they post stuff.

That's the rule. Credit people. We're banning those people, but the comics that we know in person who steal jokes from lesser comedians, we're just going to pretend like that's okay? No, we don't pretend that's okay. Yeah. But aren't there a few people like Gad Al-Malai or somebody who's like a known joke thief? You don't talk to those people. I'm just winding you up because I know you're going to. Yeah. No, I don't

have, here's my deal. Ari keeps it real. Which I fucking love about him. I don't always stick to it, but you make a moral code for yourself and you try your best to stick to it. You know? I don't want to to treat my wife, let's say. And then you fuck up and you do. So, but you have to take that pain in cause you fucked up.

But if it's like, uh, I don't want to share my wife, but then your wife divorces, you're like, well then I can now fuck. Yeah. That's okay. Yeah. I don't like to shit on comics who are just trying their best. Even if they're bad, it's not your fault. You're bad.

We're all just trying to do our best, make our own best dick jokes. But people who steal, it's like, no, that's fuck you. You're victimizing other people. So no, I don't have any sympathy for them. For those people, no, I don't talk to those people. But there's some people, yeah, there's some people who I see now just kind of trying to gang up on Fuck Jerry,

who's not even in our community, doesn't do live stand-up or whatever. But then I see them letting other people slide because they're fearful of how big they are. It's weird. Sometimes people let people slide until it's really obvious, evident to them.

They've done something wrong. And it's like, now I can't talk to him. We're like the rumors about Bill Cosby, you know, we all heard about it. And then when it was like, I guess maybe it's true.

Maybe it's not, no one's doing anything. And it's not my position to do anything. We all heard about it. Women also heard about it. It was like, I guess someone should take care. I don't know. But now when it's not my position to do anything we all heard about it women also heard about it was like i guess someone should take care i don't know uh but now when it's really really evident and then you gotta be like okay i would never talk to bill cosby anymore because like oh he's

for sure that instead of just like maybe so once you face it with like joke thieves and stuff like that once it's like let me show you the proofs then you're like yeah i guess i can't just kind of like half thinking what happened yeah once i know it does it is true then i'm like yeah you gotta get the fuck out of my life but isn't it right when you know someone you're friends with someone it makes it i could see how it could make it difficult like well lisa said that once about she was she's she tries her best with her thoughts but like um she wanted to say um why men don't turn on men who have like uh examples of like or accusations of this stuff and they always defend their friends I'm like well it's the same thing as like when someone

accused one of your friends of joke stealing you don't want to believe one of your friends can do that so you go no I think they thought of that on their own you want to defend that it's your friend you don't want to believe the worst in somebody you don't believe they're rapists joke thieves thieves in general you just don't want to believe that. But when you really, really see it, like, no, he actually had a dungeon. He was fucking torturing children. You're like, no. And they're like, let me show you the proof. You're like, alright, he's out of my life.

Yeah. But some comedians who steal jokes, like, people are just scared to say. There's a few people I'm thinking of, like, I'm beating around the bush right now. There's a few people who you just you well you're afraid of the backlash and nobody wants to be the one it's like it's not my fight I saw I saw uh uh Tom Papa talking about this on Rogan's about uh Louis CK and he

kept like Joe was like what do you think do you think it's too much of a punishment or do you do anything wrong and got and uh uh Tom Papa just kept like dodging it and Joe was like you don't want to answer this do you and he, it's not my mess, man. You got nothing to do with me. So why am I? Let's just talk about cooking like bread. Yeah. Why am I talking?

Yeah. Why get into this fight? Yeah. Right or wrong. It's not me. Yeah. So a lot of that's too. It's like, ah, they never saw anything from me. I don't know.

I've heard a lot of this. Yeah. You're not a victim of it. What if the person came to you? He goes, name me one joke I fucking stole. And if you couldn't. Yeah. If you're just like, I just heard a lot.

Yeah, yeah. You know, where there's smoke, there's fire is one thing. But when there's smoke, there's fire to tell everybody, it's like, I'm not really sure there was fire. Right. I probably think there was, but not enough to like go public about it. How important do you think, like Joe Rogan on the West Coast kind of does play that kind of moral cop for the community. With joke stealing. With joke stealing.

Yeah. With joke stealing, it's like you can't do that. This all operates on you being able to do a joke and not have somebody from the crowd go, oh, that was so-and-so's joke. No, that's fucking mine.

That guy saw me. Yeah. You know? And I mean, coincidences happen, but when you see like a clear pattern. When you know it's after

a bunch of times. Yeah. And we've all done this too where it's like you say a joke and as soon as you say it, you're like, ah, wait, that's somebody's. Yeah.

Or even you're like, that's fucking John Caparulo's. Right. You know? Right right you just don't do it again right right right you didn't do it in your special it's stop and it's kind of but it's kind of obvious when someone has a clear pattern you can kind of see like there's a difference between like someone like accidentally crossing the street bumping into someone who's crossing the other way and they fall yeah versus somebody pushing somebody over right on purpose right you accidentally take a joke you just stop doing it right the fall reference you'd be like oh my god i'm so sorry you'd help them up instead of like fuck off right yeah you see a clear pattern on certain people you know people are pushing you know those people are pushing people down yeah it's fucked up because a lot of the they always take lesser

known comedians jokes because that's the whole malice in it yeah it's like you can't well because they know they're not going to fight back or like MNC used to do that with like openers and if they complain like you're fired for the week right you know and it's like well now what position do I have to be able to like stop that guy right none I guess the gad thing is different because it's different cultures

right so he was doing like French he was taking in French he was taking like Seinfeld's huge so that kind of the way mike i don't know why seinfeld will talk to god i really don't the way the way uh mike ward says it is those french comedians yeah so let me back up and give context when des bishop kind of helped start english-speaking comedy in china in beijing um they come from a culture the comedy culture there was like it was more like laurel English speaking comedy in China and Beijing. They come from a culture that comedy culture there was like, it was more like Laurel and Hardy was like their style,

like one off each other, you know? And so when they started like, do your own stuff, do like now fresh new things, they would sometimes steal jokes and they were like, still Chris rocks jokes. And then they would just be like,

well, it's funny. It works. And he was in this position of like, do I tell this burgeoning community of like like like just monologist comedy do i tell them like you you can't do that they don't have copyright laws right so they don't understand the idea of why would you know it's a joke like but you didn't write it like yeah of course i didn't write it right but like in fourth grade, when you do a joke, no one's like, you didn't write that. You're like, yeah, none of us wrote our fucking fourth grade jokes.

So he's like, do I tell them to not do that and slow down the development? Or do I let them like get into like originality way later? Like let them get going. So in France, I don't know what the thing was back then, but the rumor was always all the big French comics were like, get rock you get seinfeld i'll take i'll take kaufman you take that and you just get all their shit translated to french and do whatever the fuck you want holy shit so that that was kind of the culture yeah so there's those french comics god was one of them that like he said like he's such a reputation about him that like mike ward said like afterwards some said he was like hey good good set that was funny he goes just so you know I did that on TV already

like immediately don't like take the compliment just like I know what you're getting at I've done it on TV don't take it from me wow yeah where it gets that bad so cause I was gonna say can you blame him less cause it was the culture of all French comedians right so I don't know I don't know but at some point when you're going to French Canada

where they don't have that culture it's like do some research I don't know or stay there i guess yeah so like right so it's a different culture i can't fully wrap my head around that right just like i said like in china it's it's different right but i don't know i don't want you around right we used to have messages when mencia came in we'd have like he'd pull up in the parking lot of the comedy store um it'd be like kind of like if they were up at the olive tree, whatever, like a known thief. And so he's going to go down. Someone downstairs, the equivalent, but parking lot.

Someone would come in and go, ah, ah, ah. And he'd be like, all right, you guys, that's it for me? Dude, that's like a fucking ghetto pigeon flipping a pigeon when the cops are coming. It's not worth it. It's not worth it to have him in there. But now I've heard that mencia like obviously doesn't steal anymore he can't but like rips with his own new stuff is that true i don't know i don't know you don't know yeah because my only question is people would do that too like

well that joke's not stolen i'm like how do you know that's not stolen you don't know all jokes yeah he would take from he would sit in the back with a pen and notepad yeah and he admitted as such yeah and he would sit and watch open mics fucking gross notepad. Yeah, and he admitted as such. Yeah. And he would sit and watch open mics. Fucking gross. With a notepad. It's actually gross. Yeah. I almost kind of feel like, too. He viewed it as,

I'm freeing these jokes from these people who don't know how to do them right. Yeah, because he's a fucking asshole. Yeah, he warps it. He warps it. That's like Nazi mentality right there. That's a rationalization.

It's a... Yeah, that's a German thing to do right there. Yeah. Yeah, right. Just fucking be like, we need to get rid of them because we're the superior race. Okay, on this podcast, History Hyenas, right now, who's the biggest offender who's sliding right now?

I'm just kidding. We don't have to say it. Yeah. All right. That's it. That was great. The problem is until you know, know, it's really tough to go public with something. Yeah.

Well, now, I mean, with YouTube and these compilations, it's like, you know. You're seeing them steal them. There's a new kid from New Orleans that I'm hearing a lot of bad shit about oh no and i'm like i gotta do my research but like yeah this one guy was like he stole the three sets for me that i've done on television i know what to do wow yeah and i'm like quinn whatever it's quinn's name i forget his last name but he was like yeah i'm not sure how to handle this and it's like i gotta i gotta look more into it but again it doesn't affect me so i'm not in the rush to go look it up right right but yeah it sucks man when you have your joke stolen right and you know it's not just a coincidence you're like you saw me do that now you're trying

to do it yeah yeah i think like that's why like you know i guess the more autobiographical you stay the less chance but even that they can steal it i remember paul talking about that after the mencia rogan stuff happened everyone was doing it and i I went to the UCB the big UCB show the big alt show and he goes yeah because you gotta don't just do jokes do something original and unique and it's like I think you're missing the point there man yeah just don't steal jokes I think you actually can take someone's stuff

yeah even if it's unique because like you can just make it your own yeah somehow yeah you can say this happened to me Mencia had one where he was like he took this joke from this guy Carloslos alice rocky oh yeah maybe it's carlos oscar i forget but it's rocky's from reno 911 yeah yeah it might have been carlos oscar though and he was about growing up in a uh in a surfer town with a mexican name and everyone was like hey carlos like they didn't know how to say his name right uh and and mencia would do that one and it was like but that

wasn't even your name until you started stand-up your name was ned right so it clearly wasn't the thing that happened to you yeah yeah um it's just it's just awful it's a fucking shitty feeling so they're right so those people i'm like do your best honestly fine i've messed up before and i've shit on comics publicly who are trying their honest best and i'm wrong to do that when somebody's stealing fuck off yeah some of them get you know so powerful that people just are scared

there's that too and it's not your fight so it's like I hate Ticketmaster and at some point my agent's like dude Pearl Jam didn't beat them you're not gonna beat them you can keep shitting on them publicly if you want but charging your fans 35 to 50% on top of your tickets that they don't right it's an evil corporation but at some point like do you want to fight them yeah you ain't gonna win i got a really interesting question i know we're running late but where does your moral code come from if you don't believe in god

like what what's what is compelling you what's that thing that's making you go this is wrong well it's like a good question yeah i think it's like we all kind of do this but someone more conscious of it than others you decide what kind of human you want to be and you like like have you ever talked shit to someone about someone around a booker or or like you're talking shit about a comic and then patrick let's say he'll come he's like who you're talking about like nobody man because i can't i don't want to be the guy who shits on someone gets some less spots right right so like you got to be the guy who shits on someone and gets them less spots right right so like you got to be careful yeah and then sometimes you fuck up but why because it's like you decide what kind of person you want to be right and you just want to be a good person yeah

or what you decide is a good person yeah some people like wall street remember the movie wall street yeah their moral code is make money yeah and it doesn't matter so you make your own moral code you make your own moral compass you want to be own moral compass. You want to be a good father, you know? Yeah, that's what it is. Yeah. You want to be a trans man that is accepted by your friends and community? Absolutely. That's what I want to.

I want to, but we'll see. Because if you want to crawl into someone's lap, nobody's going to judge you. I don't want to crawl into someone's lap. I don't judge you. But, like, for example, like, if we all slept over, like, I wouldn't mind i wouldn't mind you know going head to toe whatever sleeping on the beanbag and i told you i don't just it doesn't feel weird to me to be in close proximity to a man yeah i'll say that if a trans woman is hot enough i'm i'm a dick i'm a greek kid you're gonna get banged out what's your what's your quirk you got a something there's something i know there's something in there you're a fucking inbred jew brain i'm a choker yeah thank you zach if i just rest my hand on a thorn of a woman i'm

just like boom rock hard really oh yeah nice yeah you like to yeah slap across the face that i didn't even know about it san diego this chick was like hit me i'm like i'm not gonna hit you she just fucking hit me i'm like all right i kind of like did a little tap on her face. And she was like, oh, I'm sorry. Are you a fucking faggot? That's what she said. Oh, nice. Are you a fucking faggot?

I was like, what? She goes, hit me. And I fucking open hand slapped her. And I was like, yep, yep. That's what I'm into. Yeah. Wow. No idea until just then.

Wow. Interesting. Yeah. So I might be into it. I just haven't. I don't know it yet. Absolutely. Yeah.

Yeah. That's so the sexual. Well, how did you know you were into feet? Did you see a girl's feet in kindergarten? I haven't, I don't know it yet. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. That's so, the sexual. Well, how did you know you were into feet? Did you just see a girl's feet in kindergarten? I'm like, I want to put those in my mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where did that come from? My fetishes always started with some person who I was emotionally kind of in love with.

When he was a kid, he used to put stockings on and jerk off. I used to put stockings on. Yeah. First time I did. His dad caught him. I used to lay out the porno mags and then jerk off with them. What? Did you really put stockings on?

Yeah. What happened was I was attracted to the stockings for some reason. My mother had this bag of stockings. I got attracted to the stockings. And then at some point, they just went on. And then I had this fetish for stockings. And it's funny. When my dad caught me, he pushed the door open.

I was trying to hold it, and he caught me. And he was standing. He just goes. It's one of the first jokes I ever wrote, too. I did it in my second set. He goes. He just looks at me. He goes, does mom know

I was like yeah dad she helped me She helped me pick him out If there was a time I needed some fucking fatherly voice I was a confused nine year old kid I was wearing stockings Jerking off But then that fetish went away My fetish always kind of changes The brain is so fucking wild

My friend was like I'm really into chicks with big tits Because he was dating a chick with big tits And then later he did this really tiny girl and he goes i like eight cups and it's like oh yeah just because that's what you're getting yeah i guess i'm one of those it changes with whomever i'm with you know or whatever with the joke stealing you're talking about like a female comic um yeah i think it's around the corner with them you think so i think it's around the corner i'm coming out with everybody well you just need to like no no yeah because i just feel like i see a lot of people who she's helped a lot like going after fuck jerry i'm like well what about right exactly what's the rules here now okay so i heard i heard i actually heard something that's interesting on some speech of some lady who helped start black lives matter

movement and she said the issue they were like what about these bad men she's like louis and aziz and stuff she goes well here's the issue it's it's binarism when you make everything either black or white good or bad you're you're too it's it's not like it's not straight and gay there's lots of different other things you know so she's like it's like that with humans too you can be good in a lot of ways in your life and then also bad in a lot of ways and you don't have to be like that person's evil because what about all the charity right charity is not bad right what fucking the cyclist did was fucking great for cancer right you know right bad for the sport so you can be both at once everyone's living in this comic book justice yeah there's good guys and bad and you want to

even shitty comics who haven't done anything wrong you're like that guy sucks but like what about that one joke and you want to hate that joke too like, if they're getting one out of 10 jokes good, that's a really bad percentage. But that doesn't mean that one joke wasn't really good. Yeah. You know, when you put it in a binary world of either all sucky or all good. And it's the other way too. Like you get like a great comic like Burr or something like that or Louie or anybody where you're like, man, that joke was actually kind of lame.

You're allowed to think the one joke and they probably do too. Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah. That's a good call. So with the joke thieves also, it's like,

yeah, they can also be good for comedy in other ways. Right. Just stop doing this one thing. Right. And you can't ignore that one. You can't just pretend it's not there. Yeah.

I mean, because I think how important is that joke? Please. Cause it's like, it's the only thing we have really. It's like, cause no one's defending. Nobody will defend.

There's no courts or anything. And that's why all the fucking the social media was that now the defense for rape because like the cops weren't doing anything. Maybe because it's tough crime to prove and to prosecute maybe for whatever reason. But the fact is, women are like, hey, these chicks are getting raped and no one's going to jail over it. Or not at a high enough rate, so we gotta do something by ourselves. If it's stealing, we put up cameras and we try to punish them and that's the way people will stop stealing.

So with joke stealing, no one's gonna protect us so we're gonna take matters into our own hands. And that's when you get Paul Rodriguez holding fucking MnC up by his throat against the wall and slapping him, because the law ain't going to do this. So I'm doing it myself. Right.

Right. Here's my question though. I don't think anyone knows how to act. Like, how do you act when like, so are you just not supposed to, let's say someone has a reputation. Everyone kind of knows there's compilations or whatever, have you,

whatever evidence you want to say is out there. It's obvious. Let's just say that. How do people, how do you act? You ignore a person. Do you, if you were formerly friends,

if that person helped you a lot, put a lot of how do you act how did well let's say what are we supposed to get together and be like we're no longer talking to that person let's say one of your friends is something shitty yeah are you allowed to say to your friend like dude that was fucking shitty i'm still obviously i'm still friends with you but like why'd you do that to that guy right you know let's say you like beat somebody up like that's not enough for anybody like we're s communicating him but it is enough to be like dude what the fuck is wrong with you you're way stronger than him why'd you why'd you punch that guy right yeah that's not cool right and that's it yeah you're allowed to say things aren't cool so maybe it's that but what maybe it went further messiah was like banned like everyone

just shunned him he was already sort of shunned but he was that egregious was he's he was non-stop yeah yeah it was like it wasn't just a few joe it was just like he was looking to take jokes can you go to the comedy store even today or he's not two spots he tried when the new talent coordinator came and he was like i'd like to go up like just to bump on and talent corner was like i don't think so there's adam egan who changed everything invited open the doors to silverman and ron white and hannibal and all these people like hey you're a great comic you're in fuck the old system of showcasing. I know who you are. You're in. Here's the number to call in.

I respect that. That's a great fucking system. The old lady's gone. I hate when these fucking bookers pretend like they're some sort of genius. Can you send me a tape? Like Marcos? You want me to send you a fucking tape? You don't fucking know. I've had three specials. I'm not sending you a tape. Go fucking Google me and there's your tape.

Or ask around. People know. So he'd stop that and so i'm gonna see is like i want to go next because i don't think so man he goes and carlos according to the story i heard was like why and then adam was like dude you're not an idiot you know why you know what this is yeah you know what this is you you you victimize comp like you can't i get it you're a paid regular and there's rules i can't go over mitzi passed you a long time ago so you're not not a paid regular but like no you can't, I get it. You're a paid regular and there's rules I can't go over. Mitzi passed you a long time ago. So you're not, not a paid regular, but like, no, you don't just get to bump people anymore. You've intentionally looked at people to say, I'm bumping Chris.

He's doing well. What time is he on? I'll be there five minutes before I'm bumping. Like that shit's, you're not supposed to do that shit. You can't do that. Yeah. How about just like getting up in the middle of someone's set or whatever? Yeah.

There's that shit too. Is that bad? She yelled at me for that. Yeah. There's that shit too. Oh yeah. She yelled at me for that. Yeah. That's so wrong. It was so wrong. This kid's fucking headline. You can't interrupt the middle of his set. Who yelled at you for that?

Schumer. Oh, wow. That's what I didn't. I wasn't talking about that. I don't know. What are you guys talking about? I don't know.

I'm just letting Ari say it. The Colin Quinn thing? No, no, no. With, uh, with,

uh, so you had it out about that? No, she had it out. She's like, I made too many fat jokes, but it, no, no. So you had it out about that? No, she had it out. She said I made too many fat jokes. But it was like, wow. The whole focus of the topic was don't bump somebody in the middle of their fucking set. But she made it about

fat jokes. But I was like, I made more fat jokes about Big J. Wait, she was upset with you for making fat jokes? Yeah. We're on stage? No, Legion of Skanks oh bobby kelly has this line you know when you find somebody's line and they get like mad his line is stupid i called him dumb like three times in a row and we're in the airport going to denmark oh you're

saying you were saying it personally about her on legion of skanks and she got pissed about yeah bobby kelly was like gotcha you said it that's enough right and i was like and i half me wanted to be like i'm gonna say it again but the other half is like you seem too mad it's not worth it anymore yeah you triggered something yeah so that i think that's just her thing yeah right yeah but to me it's like now you're a comic say whatever you want yeah i'm kind of about me you can make fucking you know whatever jokes you want you can say whatever i might not find it funny but i ain't gonna try to stop you from saying it right yeah yeah you Right? You just might not elicit a laugh from me.

Right. Right. Especially, yeah. Well, that was a good fucking ep. That was a great ep. That was all about, that was the most, an hour and 20 minutes, I've never talked about Jews that much, and I feel good. Oh, nice.

I mean, I want to take a shower, but I feel good. Can you say, huh? Do you have that? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can you say ch? Do you have that? Let's see if you can guess how many bar mitzvahs I've been by how far I get. Okay.

That's so close. That's like, okay. That's the equivalent of you just doing that so it's not bad no no I knew you were getting that but it was off yeah

if that was in front of a synagogue the rabbi would be like hey let's get somebody else to do it right so make sure yeah yeah yeah yeah

you speak Hebrew yeah I understand a little bit it started to come back to me when I was there this year there's a lot of there's a lot of that sounds like a cat fight a little bit. It started to come back to me when I was there this year. There's a lot of that. It does sound like a cat fight a little bit.

All right, boys. Well, listen, boys and girls, others. Thank you, Ari. Thank you for having us. Oh, yeah, that's great. Listen to, of course, if you don't know Ari, he's got a great podcast. Yeah, of course they do know. They're podcast listeners.

They are. Skeptic Tank. Yeah, and Ari Shafiq please put us on Skeptic Tank so we can get to the next level in our career just about Bay Ridge I always cover one topic yeah let's do Bay Ridge

just about Bay Ridge yeah because that's the only chance we have right now is to get on guys like yours podcast nobody else is going to make our careers but you yeah

yeah seriously it's just the truth it's this thing of like before you could only put somebody as a writer on your show or a series regular or like an opener and those aren't many jobs to give out yeah now you're like oh yeah sure i'll tweet you're recording special hey guys and then i just sell tickets yeah yeah i think it's just an amazing time the comedians have

power like that you can look out for each other yeah it's beautiful it's a fucking amazing thing it's like i would rather i would rather have that career than have be picked by somebody in a network that like is a failed improv person you know i'd rather be like i think you're great like i don't really care about your yes i need your power but i don't care about your opinion i'll act like i care about your opinion but i don't right yeah your opinion. I'll act like I care about your opinion, but I don't. Right. Yeah. Right. But if Colin Quinn or Burr, I remember Burr once I was on stage making a joke about Asians saying they feed their, their babies, general so sauce in, in the bottles.

Right. And I remember him just going through and hearing his distinctive laugh and just going, fuck. Yeah. Yeah. It's all that matters is like, you want the approval of the people you respect because,

uh, it's, it is in our form and that you form and you respect the way somebody else does it. And if they like what you're doing, you're going like, maybe I'm doing this right. Yeah, exactly. But if somebody who's not, who's just some fucking bitch, you're going, exactly like you said, I'm just pretending. I feel like me being invited to Colin Quinn's wedding for me is better than being invited to the fucking oscars because it's like who cares about that but colin quinn respecting me is validation and at least gives me confidence i'm doing this thing right and now that we're coming at a time where like actually the power has swung to comedians like is there anyone more powerful right now than joe rogan in comedy i don't think i mean he's he's like you get on his show you'll

kill positive power yeah i don't think so i mean you have he's like the Tonight Show. You get on his show, you'll kill. Positive power. Yeah, I don't think so. I mean, you have to kill on his show. You can't just be there. Yeah. Like you and Bert Kreischer and Theo Vaughn and Tagore, you guys murder on that show and then your comedy. Theo's the best example. He finally went on once and murdered one time and his new credit was from Joe Rogan. Yeah.

And now he sells out wherever he goes. Yeah. He's had writers tell him to like real novel writers and be like oh i've gone on stern it it doesn't move the needle in terms of like sales like this does yeah rogan is it yeah but really not just rogan all your guys shows podcasts podcasts you know i'm getting a lot more calls you guys will too from publicists right saying can you have this person on oh yeah it yeah. It's weird. I hired a publicist for my special, and she got me on big podcasts. Who, Pam?

Pam, yeah. She got me on Bergkreischer, Theo Vaughn. It was all podcasting. Yeah. It's a great time where comedians can kind of help. I think it's the best. And also, we're all looking for guests. Yeah.

So if someone comes on, like, hey, sure, yeah, I want to have you on anyway. So that's a good excuse. Yeah, yeah. It's perfect. You think the industry's kind of floundering? what do we do we're losing i mean like it the central nervous system is fucking being attacked the industry i mean if joe wrote if you because we were talking about what you look at his numbers yeah he's got to be making by the numbers i mean like in money was yeah an insane amount like a like seinfeld month like yeah he's

yeah yeah you see yeah it's like he's like two million an episode for 22 episodes a year five at the last year i think five at the last year the year before that was two and the year before that was one yeah a few years just by the numbers you're going he's advertisers see that they're gonna give the same because the the the eyeballs, the, the, the ears, whatever you want to call them are there. Yeah. So it's like, he's making that.

Yeah. And like, I love people who are from the old world going like, that's not true. It's like, you're just a dumb person. You're a stupid human being. Here's what set it off for me.

When I saw Kamau Bell show on FX, FXX, I guess I moved to FXX when they split, you know, half all the comedy ones, FXX. And they said it got canceled and the last episode of his show had 11 000 viewers are you fucking serious yeah

i'm serious 11 000 viewers and this was me early in my podcast i'm like well i get 50 000 per episode now so then it was like why do i want to do tv yeah Yeah. To get less people. No, obviously if you're on something massive, then it's way more people, but like, but just TV, that's no longer better than what I'm doing on my own. Right.

Yeah. Even if a show is getting a hundred thousand, you're like, do better than that. Yeah. You're right. Rogan said that about sitcoms. Once he goes,

just in terms of the publicity you get, he goes on a sitcom, you've got six people. They're all on it in different scenes it's 22 minutes total you're probably on for seven minutes maybe if it's a sitcom with only a couple people in it like like will and grace or you know 13 minutes of the episode you're on 13 minutes once a week for 22 weeks and he goes i am playing a character he goes i am myself for three straight hours two to three times a week for 52 weeks yeah so like who's gonna be more into me or fucking the gay dude from will and grace right

right it's a good call it's a good point yeah it's what we've what we're all noticing now and we feel like yourself you don't have to be phony too yeah yeah it's like it's like when it's also just the digital sphere and the independent landscape is the way to go. And even with these late night shows, I wanted to try to get on late night shows to promote my special. And they wouldn't have my comedy the way I wanted it. They're like, oh, you can't do a Puerto Rican accent. You can't make fun of peanut allergies. It's like, so then why am I doing it?

I don't care. Because on Bert Kreischer's podcast or Theo Vaughn's podcast, I did. And I got a lot of followers from it. So it's like that was not going to happen on the Tonight Show. Yeah. Rogan talked about that. Moshe, when he had a show on Comedy Central. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they picked a topic, you know, kind of like I do on my podcast. And then he was hunting. It was guns. And they're like, would you be on? And he was like, and he thought about it. And he was like, no, because it's 30 minutes. Panel, a bunch of people interrupting me. So I'm going to be on for at best seven,

eight minutes of being able to make my point, or I can make my point in very nuanced form over three full hours and multiple episodes. Yeah. You know? So it's like, why would I, why would I,

and also by the way, for way less viewers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Nothing will get taken out of context. Yeah. Cause you can be like,

I, by the way, I did say this, but I should say that guy's a really great guy. Put that all that shit in. No editing editing it's yeah yeah do you think do you think the podcast format is just the now and the future because people's uh attention spans has changed and and the way life has changed so like with podcasts you can incorporate the podcast into what you're already doing whereas it used to be people tuned in for entertainment, but now there's so many options. People like, I want to do this while I'm jogging.

I want to do this while I'm cooking. I want to do this. Oh yeah, absolutely. And by the way, people shit on the idea that like, you could tune into now specials out now or there's too many podcasts and it's like, it's not special. It's like, it doesn't have to be special. That wasn't the joy of it. The joy of it was doing your own thing and having people have access.

So if people discover you now, you know, or discover you next time you put out a special they'll be like oh does he have anything else like yeah all his old stuff right it's completely accessible right yeah and instead of like now you missed it there's no misted it stays up on the land so why not have everyone have access all comics should have specials yeah the good ones will be passed around you know it almost feels too good to be true because for me, like doing this or doing a pot is like, this is what I want to do. I don't want anyone telling me what to do ever. And that now that you can actually monetize this to fruition is like, it almost seems

too good to be true. You're like, what's the catch? Yeah. Is ISIS going to do something? What's the fucking catch? Yeah, exactly. Is it going to do something? What's the fucking catch? Yeah, exactly. Is it going to go downhill? Some of it goes downhill when they start putting stuff like this into print and they take like

it out of like a context of an area. Yeah. Here's kind of ruining it. But as long as you just ignore that. Yeah. Because even still, you just keep going and it goes away. Keep going.

Exactly. Never, ever comment on backlash. That's my advice to any comic. When you get one of those e-rages, you just stay quiet even if you're wrong you say you're wrong to the person you hurt exactly that person that's good advice and then but no public don't eat because then more people find out about it and then your apologies

gets picked apart you said the wrong way just let it go away you caught a cold it sucks but you're gonna have a sniffly nose for a while you You're going to have to get canceled gigs. You want to change it, but you won't change it. So just ignore it and let it pass. Do you think Louis fucked himself by that apology? I thought it was one of the more honest ones. Yeah. But it still didn't work.

It didn't work. He didn't say the exact word sorry. It's like, gee, I'm trying to say I'm not going to fucking attack these women. I don't want to go into nuance. Like, yeah, it was a long time ago. And some of these women were into it. And some of the,

you're just like, nah, they're right. I'm wrong. I'd be like, fuck you. If anything, you didn't do it right.

That proved that apologies don't help you. Exactly. Well, thank you, Ari. I appreciate it. Skeptic tank. Fuck you.

If you were, no, you were right wrong. Yeah. If there was video of you knocking over a nun on that crosswalk. You have to apologize for that. Then you'd be like, oh, by the way, no, guys, I did not. That was an accident.

I am way sorry that happened. Yeah. Because you really are. Yeah. But not when they force you into it. Just keep quiet. Yeah. All right, boys.

Skeptic Tank, you got a special double negative on Netflix. Fuck yeah. Which is great. And then your new shit. I can't wait to see it because I've seen a lot of it. I really love it, man. I love your shit. Thanks yeah. Which is great. And then your new shit. I can't wait to see it because I've seen a lot of it. I really love it, man. I love your shit. Thanks for doing this.

Yeah. Patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys at History Ahinas on Instagram. Christy Comedy. Giannis Pappas on Instagram. You know what it is. I'm going to go suck some dicks. ស្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវាប់បានប់បានប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប� Bye.