Hollywood Handbook - Arden Myrin, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: April 23, 2024

The Boys welcome back ARDEN MYRIN to fix The Bachelor. See Hollywood Handbook live and livestreamed with special guest John Early this Weds at the Dynasty Typewriter in LA! Click for ticketsGet a Hat Pack Hat here!Watch the video of today’s episode at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes. Like the show? Rate Hollywood Handbook 5-Stars on Apple PodcastsAdvertise on Hollywood Handbook via Gumball.fm Go to MackWeldon.com and get 20% off your first order with promo code THEBOYSSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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So it's universal and it's like big studio production. Yeah, it's fucking the major player. And the big league. And the numbers like we're not filming as much stuff anymore. And so I don't take that for granted at all. The industry has contracted and you do have to get in where you fit in. You're crazy busy.

But I'm struggling, I guess aspects of this production... Sorry, no. Not busy. It's less busy. Oh, okay. I thought you were crazy busy. Well, and I don't take that for granted at all. No, no, no.

I thought you wanted to let us know. He's busy with the project. Yes. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, this town is not busy. Yes. Town's dead. It's doing really bad.

The town is really like, you know what? We had a good run. It's a fucking ghost town. You wanna take a break from us last year for A-mas? Go fuck yourself, we're out, you know? Yes, everyone is just like, we're done. I always say you can kinda chart the business by the activity at Gower Gulch.

That's, oh, the Gulch. Yeah, and I don't know if you know the big Walgreens at Gower Gulch. At the Gower Gulch? It's empty. What? It's gone. What are you talking about? Like it's actually gone?

It's gone. It's fucking gone, Doug. What are you talking about? And you would think this would be great news for the apothecary wagon that sits in the parking lot. I've been worried about that wagon for years. No, that people would be more likely to go

and try some of the tonics and elixirs that have been created by the magnificent, colorful character who drives that wagon in, but that's also gone. So the wagon is gone. The essay are gone. The essay are gone. The essay are gone. So if I wanted to go get potions, lotions,

or like a leaf, I gotta go all the way to Glendale Boulevard. I gotta go up to Hollywood Boulevard. I gotta go to Rock and Roll Ralphs. Yes, you have to go to Riverside County, basically. I have to go to Emmett? Any of those things, to get anything essay shade, you have to go out there. Yes.

It's really grim. And so that's why we do not take for granted at all that we have any big studio interest in a project that is not traditionally maybe what we've, you know, hung our hats on. They want us to, and I would really love your input on this. They want us to go shoot a would really love your input on this, they want us to go shoot a new version of the title card

with the big unit, with the earth and stuff, and so we do have to go into space. Whoa, wow, so you're filming the actual title card. We came to them and we were like, this looks busted, it's fake, it sucks. It felt very red short, we saw it in Jaws. It's bullshit, it's phony. And we're trying to present authenticity. Like it's so much of, I guess,

what Hayes and I feel like we have to offer. But you, you know, we were just chatting, you kept saying, we're very real. You kept saying. Yes, I told you that. No, no. Every turn. I said, I'm telling the truth.

So the amount of times you said it, honestly, I sort of assumed you were telling the truth until you kept reading it But now I am It just felt like you kind of happy. No, I'm being honest I mean, we've you said it so many times sincerely. I mean it. Okay, you're you haven't blinked since I've gotten There's like a dead eye and you're looking, oh. No need for it, you know? The weather today. I feel like I'm put in the middle

to sort of distract, like these things are happening behind my back. Straight up. Okay, so have either of you been to space before? So they pick you two of anyone, like they said. I said I didn't wanna go to space. I said I can make something better out of Play-Doh. Okay.

Hey, we'll just shoot that. We'll tell them we went to space. I figure we pocket some of the budget. I mean, I'm an honest guy, but I'm not above you. We also low ball the budget a lot. And I think that is- How much did you put your bid in? Well, it's-

You did you. It's non-union. Well, I'm thinking, what did they give us we're gonna save? Oh, okay, you're not in the union? Well, we are, but no one else is allowed to be on the- No. Okay, cool. On the production.

And that was like part of the pitch. It's like, this is not like a collective bargaining. It's not a freaking movie. Every man for himself. There's not gonna be a lot of people the pitch. It's like this is not like a collective bargaining. It's not a freaking movie. Every man for himself. It's not a commercial. It's just like, it's the title card. And so that means we do not have costume designers, which means that we do not have spacesuits.

Right, so you're going without a spacesuit into space? We have to go into like basically the top of space is what I've, we've talked to scientists about like Like where we're gonna have to get the image You know we're like all the earth and also get the letters coming from over and around the earth that say universal Though you hate I wanted to go a little bit. Yeah, did you go out to like JPL and Pasadena? Where did you go? Who did you talk to I went to? JP pennies

Was that near the Gower Gulch? That's a new... JP Pennies. Is it JC Pennies? It's definitely not JC Pennies. And they'll set you straight when you would go. No, you even mentioned it there. You actually get served.

You get served paper? Yes. You just get served, or is it like a dance off? Like you got served. No, you get served by a dancing subpoena server. Wow, honestly, I kind of want to go piss somebody off just to get served. Well, it's a thrill, but then you do deal

with the repercussions. So the aftermath, in my experience, is not worth it. To double back, they were out of blue at the Play-Doh store. Okay. So we were unable, because we had promised that the logo would be in color. Right. So we then decided-

You can't make blue. We decided we had to go to space. I can't make blue. No, no, no, you can make green. You can do a blue and a yellow if they've had blue. If they had blue, I bet you can't just make blue. Yeah, believe me, we tried. It is so hard. Some of the other colors are so easy. I just make blue. You can't just make blue. Yeah, believe me, we tried. It is so hard.

Some of the other colors are so easy. I can make brown. I can make brown. Yes, but. No, no, you also kept saying that earlier. You kept saying, I'm telling the truth that I can make brown. I'm being honored. And I actually didn't know what you were talking about

when you kept saying I can make brown, but it was just like, you just kept saying it. Like it was just doing you. All roads lead to brown. You know what I mean? Like ultimately that's where you're headed. It's so true. So is the logo gonna be in brown or you know what I mean? Ultimately, that's where you're headed. It's so true. So is the logo gonna be in brown, or is it gonna be blue?

We'll figure it out when we get out there. Yeah, we're gonna have to, now we're just going up. We have to actually go up. We have someone who's really strong, who says that he can kind of throw the letters away from Earth, that they'll just be coming around, shooting up into space in front of the camera. But wouldn't that be as big as a continent?

Like, can't figure these out. Well, it's like, it's the camera. If they can throw them so hard that they get really close to the camera, they actually end up looking huge. Yeah, it's forced perspective. They did it in an elf. Is it John Cena?

This is JP Penney as well. Oh, JP Penney? Yes, yeah. So it was like from hanging out in his store and like looking at some of his stuff that he's got there and just being like, hey, this guy's actually pretty strong. JP Penny needed Jenner. Jenner.

A Jenner. Jenner. One of the Jenners. Yes, yeah, Kremble. Chris Jenner. Oh, Chris, yes. Kremble Jenner, Kremble. Kremble Jenner. Kremble Jenner. I don't wanna brag, but because it's been so busy lately, and I've had a lot, I've been so busy, but I like to relax at night

that I did just take the opportunity. What's the brag? I watched the first episode of The Kardashians that has ever been made. I've never seen any other episode. I just was speaking of Kris Jenner. Yeah. And I watched the very first episode

of Keeping Up With The Kardashians that was ever made. Okay, I like to relax at night too. What do you do at night? You just mentioned that you like to relax at night. What do I do? Yeah. Relax, I curl up under a blanket. Get it all the way over my head every once in a while I

peek out because I'm having trouble breathing right here a noise is it like a weighted blanket mmm like a cozy blanket. Like a fleece. It's maybe easier if you don't try to nail down the blanket, like, specifically, because it's like, it's my blanket. You can't have it. Okay. It's, you're not.

Can I have your blanket? You're not- Can I really, can I have your blanket? Well, no. I'm being real with you. I'm being honest. I'm being truthful. Can I borrow it while you're in space?

Can I borrow it while you're in space? We're definitely gonna need it. It's coming to space. And no, it's not a space blanket either, because I know that's your next question. So the two of you are going to space. You found it. JP Penny's gonna toss the letter. JP Penny's gonna toss the letter.

JP Penny's gonna throw the letters. When is this launch happening? Saturday at four. AM or? God damn it. It's space time. The time difference is genuinely really, really confusing. Yeah, no, the time zone thing, like if you think it's fucked up here,

like think about in space. But actually you're so fucked. It's fucking distressing, like I'm having a lot of trouble with it. Because when we try to schedule this thing, which by the way, we're on a very tight budget for it, so we don't have people that we necessarily trust even telling us.

But I thought you were pocketing most of the budget. That was the initial plan. I was like, because I kind of agreed to a number that Hayes was saying I think we need more, and this is on me, I'm owning my mistake. You're the bad cop. Well, it was because, well, there were sort of big promises

about being able to make blue, you know. They set a number, I said like, I said, oh yeah, we could totally do it for that. I'm winking at Hayes, he's going, I think it's gonna cost more, that's not enough for spacesuits and stuff. I was like, oh, I'll make them, but I'm thinking, I'm gonna do the whole thing with Play-Doh.

Yes, and so what they don't tell, when you lowball like this, like what you get in terms, is very untrustworthy partners. Just fiends and scoundrels all the way down the line. Every aspect of everyone we're working with. You would think they would all have their individual wagon wheel pharmacies, like that they would be, like a snake oil salesman.

It is just down the line. Well, and in terms of like what's going on with the money, I was trying to pull a fast one, and You Leave Him Like You Found Him, Honey, because this is ill-gotten gains. You Leave Him Like You Found Him, Honey's your second book. I loved that book. I just wanted to say I got nervous coming to meet you today,

but I did love You Leave Him Like You Found Him, Honey. Yeah, well, these are harder life lessons. And if anyone can learn from my mistakes, so they don't have to make the same ones, that's good. And when you get filthy money, filthy hands tend to come in and strip it away from you. And we've been falling into a pattern where you need to, you know, you got a mouse,

you bring in the cat to catch the mouse, now you gotta bring in the dog to catch the cat. And now we're basically into the Kong versus Godzilla stage. Wow. Like in terms of the fiendishness of some of the partners that were. Well and similar to the latest Kong Godzilla movie, they are actually working together now.

Wow. Against us. Wow, so you guys are, no wonder you go under your blanket at night. You need a little self-soothe, oh, you just got sad when I brought that up. I just feel like when you start to kind of dig in on the blanket that you have an angle. Look, I'm just saying, things I,

I lied, I haven't been very busy lately. Is it weighted? Not to do an unflattering impression, but like, is it weighted? It's just like. Okay, that feels slightly unflattering. And so then you lied about. That feels like not to do it, but it just seems like you did do a,

that seems like you did try to do an unflattering impression. I'd like to see a flattering impression. I need to find it. Okay. Oh, nice. Hang on. I have to find it. Okay.

Oh, he did a little shoulder shrug. I liked it. Does it have to be of you? It could really be of anyone. Now I've really got to find it. Okay. I like it. He's got complimentary color with the sweater and the pillow.

Mm-hmm. Now wait till you see the blanket covering the entire thing. It's incredible. I wish I could see the fucking blanket. What do I have to do to see that fucking blanket? You know, I'm having a lot of trouble finding it. The blanket or the flattering impression? The flattering impression.

I understand that. Of anyone. You know what? That's what makes this town tick. Flattering impression? No, not being able to find it. It is tough to find it. You know what I mean?

The whole town's been having issues. That's why we don't take this up to the planet at all. The town's in trouble. We're just not able to find it right now. Guys, no one, that's it. We're taking a beat. We all went into. It's sad. The town's in trouble. We're just not able to find it right now. As a town. No one, that's it. We're taking a beat. We can't find it.

We all went into New Year's Eve. It might not be here. No, literally, New Year's Eve, we're like, you know what? Yes. This is gonna be my year. This is goodbye 2023, we're back. This is it.

And then how many optimistic weeks did you have before you realized that that was not happening this year? I had a very optimistic brunch on January 1st. Wow. And that was, but after that. Early brunch as well. Yes, yes, very early.

I remember thinking this should just be called breakfast. Particularly after a New Year's day. It was like a 6 a.m. brunch. Wow, were you out all night or you just went to bed that early? No, yeah, I had to go, to be able to wake up in time for brunch and just like wait. Brunch at 6 a.m. brunch.

Yes, but since then it's just been curdling downhill. And picking up speed, you know how like, when you're running downhill, you really can't stop yourself. You gotta go faster to not just pit forward and start rolling. It has been a snowball. I'm gonna say it's been a chode of a year.

Sure. It's the year, I feel like this year, I'm like. That's not, yeah, but somehow one that's so big. Like a tuna can. You know what I mean? It's just getting, like a pizza. Like it's like getting bigger and bigger. Like a pizza chode.

A pizza chode. You know what I mean? Like a thick crust pizza chode. Thick crust pizza chode. That's what this year is. Stuffed crust. It's a stuffed crust pizza chode. It's a pizza hut stuffed crust pizza chode.

This year has been for everyone. For hummatoes. Yeah. Pizza chode nugs, you can get a little, you know, mini it for a party, party platter. You may be able to. I think I finally stumbled on an impression. Tell me if you like this.

Okay, I love it. Whoa. Who's that? Whoa. Is that you? I don't think so. Whoa. Is that me? It don't think so. Is that me?

So whatever you want, you know, that's the beauty of impressions. All I knew was it felt very loving. So whoever was reading. Yeah, no, it was really nice. It was very flattering. I'm interested in getting to know more about that person. Yeah, you got excited about it. You stopped the process.

Well, I felt like I finally was near something. You felt alive. Yeah. Ooh. What a source of inspiration for the whole town. Yes. Now we're ready. To find it like that.

Can we fix it? Can we take that spirit of optimism when we move something forward this year? We need a little leader. It's Arden's year. Yes. Arden. Hi. It's her second time. Oh my God the end of the pizza show. It's Arden's here. Yes! Arden.

Hi! It's her second time. Oh my God. Arden, I don't wanna create drama, but I had a thought on the way in, which is our most recent episode. Great. We had a guest.

Yes. Darcy Carden. Yes. You friendly with her? You know her? I know her, but I don't know her well. Yeah, no one does, trust me. But, and I don't, I'm not inside her house. I don't know what her relationship is, but I'm just thinking, God forbid, if anything should happen, separates her from her husband.

And then you two hit it off. Arden Carden. Arden Carden. Arden Carden. Arden Carden. Arden Carden. Arden Carden. A merger of some kinds.

The branding. Do you know what I mean? Arden Carden is a really good, Arden Carden is a really good, Arden Carden is a really good, Arden Carden is a really good, Hardin-Cardin, Hardin-Cardin. Hardin-Cardin. A merger of some kinds. The branding. Do you know what I mean? Hardin-Cardin is a really good. Hardin-Cardin.

That's, now that's what this year needs. Right? Look, whoa, whoa, whoa. That felt good, that felt right. I do feel like I know who it is. I do too, whoa. Wait a minute, I do too, I do too. It's a little like Joey Lawrence. I was going with Joey, I was going. Whoa. Wait a minute. I do too. I do too. It's a little like Joey Lawrence

But it's not A little like him. It's a little like Joey, but it's not I felt really I got excited about Arden Carden Well, that's what's nice you could say like a sort of a cartoon animal. Welcome to, will you see my rose? Yes, will you see my rose? This is Arden Kardon. Arden Kardon, will you see my rose? Get a load of this rose. Get a load of Arden Kardon.

Arden Kardon, well. And it's The Bachelor, we're talking about The Bachelor, yes. We're talking about The Bachelor and Artie Carden. Yeah, guys, you know. It just feels right. It feels right! What's in store for the show this year? Thank you for asking. Big moves.

I'll tell you, I thought finally, for years, they've been dingle dangling this Senior Bachelor, bullshit for us, and they finally. What, not Senior is golden. Well now, they've been dingle dangling this senior bachelor bullshit for us. And they finally- Well, not seniors, golden. Well, now they finally brought it. They were like, are you a senior looking for love? But they never gave it to us.

For years, they've been casting it. To me, that's where it's at. That's the future. Then they're just gonna keep getting older and older. I heard a rumor. That does seem to be what the town is doing is it's just like, their only relevant people are older and older and older. I heard a rumor. That does seem to be what the town is doing, is it's just like the only relevant people are older and older and older.

Older and older, because also, I'd be curious to see. But what's great about that is, so am I. But you could be like the portrait of Dorian Gray. Yeah. And have an aging headshot somewhere. Yes. Deep in the valley. Don't be like the picture. No, portrait.

It's the portrait. He fancy? I forgot. Who wrote that? Okay, wait. I heard, well, two things. I'd be curious to see, now that it was such a hit, if even the Dorian Gray book.

It's a smash. It's flying off the shelves. It is. It is flying off the shelves. It is, it is flying off the shelves. It's both of you. I wonder if even the oldies will come in thirsty for like influencer status, like, cause, cause I don't know if anybody.

Oh yeah. Like if even. They're looking for the, you know what I mean? Depends sponsorship. Like I literally wonder if everyone got so famous that like you'll find find later age thirsty. There's gotta be some of that.

What a beautiful idea. Isn't that fun? But here's a little rumor, and I'm not gonna say where I heard it. Allegedly, they're having trouble casting the Golden Bachelorette, not because there's not guys. There's not guys that can pass the STD tests. When you've, look.

They can't. That's fun. We all know, like, it's just a matter of time. At a certain age, you have STD. But I think a lot of these guys are like. And the older you are, the more likely you are to have. Isn't that fun? Sure. At least one, probably multiple STDs.

For sure. And that's just the way it all goes. You get old enough and like. There's a part of me that's like who cares, let them, if they all have it, who cares. I have a solution for this. Yeah. That's connected to the whole franchise,

which is on life support, you know. Sure. Pretty much literally at this point. Sure. For you, as a part of the franchise, we need to like inject some new life in this thing. What's new, what's now, what's next? Okay.

A permanent bachelor. There we are, on that end of this, something we can track from season to season. It's just every year I gotta get used to it. Who is this now? Is Bobby finally gonna find love? Yes. I like that. It's something we can track from season to season. Not where like- Every year I gotta get you a new fucking guy. Is Bobby finally gonna find love? Yes. I like that.

It's the same bachelor every time. I like that. If you like that, you're gonna love this. Okay. It's Chef Kevin. Oh! Forget the golden bachelor, right? This is the platinum bachelor.

The platinum, this- We found him. Ladies and gentlemen, we got him. We got him. We got, he's under the blanket over there. Yes. He's hiding under the blanket. Yes. I'm sorry to brought up a sore spot.

No, it's a big, no, no, no, we are gonna introduce not the same blanket, it won't be the same one, but we are gonna introduce the blanket concept. Yes. There is gonna be a big like, oh, like what's going on under there? What's going on? Yeah, that is like. I do like opening on

just a blanket that you could tell somebody's moving underneath it, but you don't see them for a while. And then maybe fantasy suites is like one, like two people going, you just see bodies moving. Oh, at long last, someone has joined him under the blanket. Somebody's gonna go greet this person under the blanket.

It's like love is blind, but they couldn't afford the room. They just have a blanket. They just have a blanket. Love is warm. Love is warm, love is toasty but they couldn't afford the room. They just have a blanket. Love is warm. Love is warm, love is toasty. Have you watched Love is Blind? No. Yeah, I've seen it.

Did you watch this year? Yeah. It was fun, right? Yeah, I'm always having fun. What is... I'm like a fun guy, I have a lot of good energy. No, no, I see that. So when I'm watching it, it's like, yeah,

there's like a great time, there's a lot of laughs happening. So when I'm watching it, it's like, yeah, there's a great time. There's a lot of laughs happening. Have you ever had a moment, did you ever have a dip in fun? In fun, ever in my life? Yeah. Sure, I take a break sometimes. I take some time for me.

What do you do when you're on your fun break? When I'm not having fun anymore? Yeah. This show. I feel like he just took it straight down the barrel. That's the sacrifice that he makes for all of us and for the world. That is quite a sacrifice.

He's a giver. How did this friendship happen? How did this, who fell in love, who fell in friendship love, who courted who first in the friendship dance? We would go for a jog every day at the same place, and we just happened, our pace is exactly the same, and our schedules were the same.

At a certain point, we just had to talk about it. So we would be starting at the same point, going the same route at exactly the same pace. Six or seven years, we ran in silence, you know what I mean? Just you guys hanging out in Dalton Shores. I stopped bringing the headphones. He knew there was nothing playing in my headphones.

He would have been able to hear it, you know. You hate music. Yeah. And the show replicates that energy in a way. You've made it very clear you hate music. People, two people running the same route every single time. Well, and every time, sometimes I go, you know what?

Fuck it, he wins, I'm gonna change my route, but son of a gun. He's like a magnet, he's your Trinur. This little rascal wasn't having the same thought at the same time. Well, and in my mind, you're the rascal, you understand. Oh yeah, no, it's all a matter of perspective. And the big rascal scheme, who's more of a rascal?

Again, it's, we do everything the same. To him, it's me, but to me it's him. Yes, yes, that's the whole idea. Whoa. Hollywood handbook. Guys tend to think looking sharp means starchy Oxford's and stiff chinos rather than effortless comfort, but it is possible to have it both ways.

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Use code THEBOYS at checkout to save. Oh, and terms and conditions? Yeah, they apply. Whoa. Hollywood hamper. Jeff Kevin just got married. Congratulations. So we know someone would do it.

Flash it. Flash the hardware. Oh, it's gorgeous. It's dead gorgeous. I say hardware, it's actually not like. I wish it was just covered in huge rubies and stuff. Just really ornate. Where did you get married?

In Los Angeles. When did you get married? Last Saturday. That's not even true. Did you get married, we just heard that you lied. Did you get married under a blanket? In a sense. When was the first time she saw under your blanket?

Or he, they? She saw like six years ago. That's nice. Thanks. That's exciting. Did you go on a honeymoon? Is this it? You're looking at it, yeah.

This is the honeymoon. Wow, this is so gorgeous. She does costume stuff, which like, oh, that seems like it would be really nice to make a space suit for your friend's freaking main boss. Yes, yes. I think you could probably carve out time

to make a spacesuit just so they actually survive. And they don't say, I said friend, cause that's the, you know how people like, some people don't wanna say like husband and wife and stuff anymore. They say, this is my friend. This is my friend. It's really unsettling.

It's like, this is my friend. I want you to meet my friend. This is my friend. It's really unsettling. It's like this is my friend. This is my friend. I want you to meet my friend. Yeah. This is my friend. Do you like his hat, Arden? I've been eyeing it and I almost said it a few times. I love the hat. She made it.

She's really talented. Do we have any extras? I got a stack in my car, would you like one? Yeah, can I put one on? Yep. But have him do it inside, like have him bring the hat inside. Okay, will you bring the hat?

Don't go out to the car. I have to drive the car in here. Okay, great, drive the car right into the studio. I love the hat, and I will wear it all the time. I'm gonna die in that hat tomorrow. The hat is free, you need to post in the hat. Oh. It doesn't have to be a grid post.

Not that it hurts. Or if you do post that it hurts, then post later, be like just kidding or something. It's so good. Ego from SNL posted saying that the hat hurts. Immediately posted and said that she's had a headache for three days and then just didn't make it clear that the hat wasn't connected.

I'm not gonna do that. I have to say it goes well, it gets nice with our complexion. Thank you. It goes nice with our complexion. Yes, thank you for those things. That was not the idea, but it does, it's just a happy, just a happy accent. The hat is for everyone, it actually looks good on everyone.

It probably seems like the color scheme is complimenting his complexion. I bet it would look nice on you as well. Yeah, well, yeah, it does. Okay, I mean, I believe you. So now that he's out of the room. I'm so glad, he's really bad vibes. Yes.

He was really bringing bad vibes. But I think that could be good for the show. Like I think the Bachelor, the Platinum Bachelor. Yes, yes. Having the Platular. Having unconscionable vibes. Thank you, oh my God, it's so cute. Yes.

It's gonna feel so. What button are we? I feel like I'm in a good time. What. Thank you, oh my God, it's so cute. It's gonna feel so. What button are we? Like, what's your numbers? I feel like it might be the full, oh, that's too small. I need one from the hat. Not too small, your head is too big. Okay.

The hat is actually perfect, and then. Does it look so cute? Oh my God. It looks really, really good. Looks so cute, right? Arted! Come on! Look, she can pull anything off, So cute. Oh my god. It looks really, really good. It's so cute, right? Come on. Look, she can pull anything off,

but the hat is actually doing a whole other level. Whoa, god bless you. I don't know if I was insulted or complimented, but I'll take it. Thank you. No, no, no, it's both. Thanks. Yeah.

It's an insult-ment. Yes, yes. I liked it. So we're talking, I mean, like, he's here, but we can talk about it. It's such insult to men. Yes, yes. I liked it. So we're talking, I mean, like he's here, but we can talk about it. It's such a good hat. Unconscionable vibes.

Kevin's vibes are actually like inhumane. Yes. But to put that on the show and like to have so many different women season after season and then expanded to just like everyone is like trying to fix Kevin. I like this. Trying to-

Well the challenge, you know, that they're encountering and all the different solutions, cause everyone who meets Kevin thinks that they're gonna be the one to kind of solve him. I mean, when I met, when I walked in here, I was like, whoa, this, there's a lot of potential. But there's some very weird energy coming my way, you know, but I can get in there.

If there- The ultimate fixer-upper. The ultimate fixer, the Chip and Joanna, just here we go. If there were, yes, an analogy in the home, it would be like a garage that like is not really fixable. What are we gonna do with this thing? We have to burn it down for the insurance money. And our family works at insurance.

Was there any scandals in your hometown for like a family that did something shady? Were there any like small town rumors whether or not they were true? Like was there a family that did something shady? Were there any like small town rumors whether or not they were true or like, was there a scandal that happened? Gotta be nice to have a hometown, you know? I mean, you're just a random girl, a rambler. I'm happy, I'm not like-

Oh, okay. Attacking your privilege or anything. Oh, sorry, I'm having a hometown. Just like the idea of having a hometown is like so beautiful to me. Did you grow up like, was your family in the military or did you move around a lot? Famously, yes.

Okay. How many times did you move around? How many you got? How many times? How many numbers? If you have to ask, you can't afford it. So like you, instead of just asking questions, just like at least offer some time.

37 times? That's close. That would have been nice. That would have been nice, yeah. Higher? 42? Wow, that would have been a dream. That would have been even better. Wow. Yeah, that would have been great. So you move like, you're saying like over 50 times.

Yeah, you are the one that said that actually. My dad made me. And I'm not disagreeing with you. Okay, wow, that's a lot. It was fucking nuts, man. But it toughens you up, I'll tell you what. Boy, you get a thick skin. No, you just, when you said that, I felt like you were like.

Basically, you hit town, you get into town. You know what they say. What was your tactic, how did you crack? You have so little time to just show people your thing. Okay, so you would get to town. How would you show people that? I'd try like show people your thing. Okay, so you would get to town. How would you show people that? I try a new thing every time. Okay, so you were just like.

I go, okay, that didn't work. You know they say like your first day in prison, you should like kind of try to beat up the biggest guy in there. The first day you move to a new town, the biggest guy in there beats you up. Yes. Like, and so like, so I would try different ways to react.

Yeah. Thinking it was funny. Liking it. Having a yo-yo, like having a couple of yo-yo tricks. You were a yo-yo guy, yeah, yeah, yeah. I tried it. While you're getting beaten up, it's basically impossible to do a good yo-yo trick.

So you can do kind of a bad yo-yo trick. I'll be sincere, I wasn't great at them anyway. Sure, so you're trying to walk the dog as you're having the shit beat out of you? Yeah. That's hard, wow, wow. Trying to walk the dog while you're getting dog walked, right?

I like that book of yours too. You're for a different writer. That's a long title. Try to. Yeah. This is long. No, it's a. But some of them are long now. It's no portrait of Dorian Gray.

Mm, yeah, it's longer. It is longer. Try to walk the dog while you're getting dog walked. And so we put together this whole like wedding situation for Kevin. Okay. So Kevin is married now so we can prove like, hey, this could actually work. That's a proof of concept.

Someone has done it. Somebody did it. That's the pitch deck is the wedding. That's when you go to sharks. You go to sharks. Well, we're just, we're arming ourselves against the criticism. Sharks, Mr. Wonderful.

Yes. Yes. The sharks, because the first thing the sharks are gonna say is like, we walked Kevin out there, they're gonna go like, no, no one would marry him. This can't work. They never- I think Barbara Corcoran would be in on it, no?

They never really do that as people are walking out. A shabbing young stud. Well, I like what I see. I make my husband sleep in the garage. Well, Barbara, she's got it. She's fucking raw. She's fucking got it. I'll tell you what, when she's not on the show at this point, I'm skipping it.

You know what? Because there's no one bringing me anything unexpected when Barbara's not there. I love Barbara. I'm in love with Barbara. But she's not going to respond well. When we come to them to pitch the show, they are just gonna be like, the doors are gonna swing open and they're gonna be like, no. Yeah.

Just by the visual? Just the visual alone? Yeah. Are you guys gonna be in your space suits? Are you gonna be? We do not know. You wish. There is no your space suits.

I know, sorry, I feel like I was just rubbing it in. After all we have done for Kevin's family, all they made us. For his friend, for Kevin and his friend? Kevin and his friend, yes. You've done so much for Kevin and his friend. His friend made a great hat. All we got is how many hats?

2,000. You have 2,000 hats? 2,000 to an a thousand. 2 have 2000 hats? 2000 to an a thousand. 2000 hats. How many? Visors? Yes. I got another one.

Okay. In the hot 2000. In the hot 2000. Right? Yep, Conan, old school. Old Conan episodes. Old Conan episodes. Old Conan episodes. And that, if I'd been around for that time,

I would have killed him. You were born in 2010? I would have killed on old Conan episodes. Oh my. He would have been loving my shit. He would have been loving. He had his chance. Yes.

You had your chance. You know what we're talking about, Conan. You know what you did, Conan. You know what we're talking about, Coney. You know what you did, Coney. You know what you did last summer, Coney, Conesy. Yes. And instead, he did take our spot on Earwulf. We don't really talk about that.

But they said that they ran out of room. Yeah. He basically threw his bag on top of my bunk and said, I sleep here now. I was like, oh. Wow. Wool, butt, and he's like, woo, butt. Wow.

Woo, butt. And then he said, why are you hitting yourself? Are you hitting yourself? He did ask me that. And then he spit down and sucked it back up, right? Yeah. And to not even know you're about to get, like to try and like get your yo-yo out

while you're already being beat up is even harder. Hold on, wait a second, I gotta run and get my yo-yo. Yeah, I don't know exactly where it is. I gotta find it, I was expecting this. Well, I had so many pockets in my fanny pack. There's all these zippers. How many pockets did you have? Many as I could fit, you know what I mean?

How many do I got? It kinda unfolds like an accordion. That must've brought all the girls to the yard. Don't shake that yellow. And it makes sort of an accordioning sound. Wow. Like a, uh, uh. Yeah.

Well, that must've won people over at the school. Well, it was a part of a previous attempt where I was like, I'm gonna be the polka guy. That is a hit. Yeah. Sub I'm gonna be the polka guy. That is a hit. Yeah. Suburban America loves the polka. Weird Al, friend of the show, you know, that kind of stomped all over that one,

he pissed all over that one, right? That's so true. His territory. Yes. So we have to figure out a device wherein, none of it, it never works out at the end of any season, you know, cause we need to keep this going. He's a keeper.

He's a keeper, he's never gonna find a friend. So, we need. And he wants to stay in his thing with his friends. Sometimes I just wonder, I just wonder what you think you're saying. Like, or like what, like you say he's a keeper. When you say he's a keeper. He's a keeper from season to season.

We need to keep him. He's a keeper for the show. As the permanent bachelor. He's a keeper when you say he's a keeper keeper from season to season We need to keep a keeper for the show as the permanent bachelor. Oh Yes, normally if you say he's a keeper No, nobody wants him. Yeah. No, okay. So how I think of a keeper he's our keeper as the lead This is similar to what happened with the busy thing You know what I mean where I was thinking the town wasn't busy right and then you were saying it was busy But I just did your experience. It was like he's a keeper. You're gonna keep him You know I came in I came in I wanted you guys to think I was busy because it's a Hollywood handbook Yeah, so and you said you didn't want to brag, but you I don't want to you did want to I did want to brag

But I was really just posturing I I did wanna brag, but I was really just posturing. I actually- You've been lying so much. There's nothing I've said is true in 2024. I've been so honest with you. I've been so vulnerable this entire episode. I've been so vorible with you. That's what people say on The Bachelor.

I wanna be vorible and open with you. That's funny, some of the words that are still just like, nobody can get the word. Frustrating is like, it is alive and well. It is fucking out there. I never heard that. It's back. What?

Fustrating. People are frustrated on these shows. That's like a busty, frustrating. Okay, okay, we have vulnerable. We have, there's another one. There's one more. Vulnerable is amazing. Fustrating, wow.

There's another one that they always get wrong, which I get really excited about. Like the grammar is really exciting. Well any idiom is just upper, like it's never gonna end where it started. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell me how you think this will play, because like, Kevin's gonna be the permanent bachelor,

but he does not, like he wants to stay in his thing with his friend, he calls it. Right, his friendship. So in the first episode, like when he meets everyone, he's gonna be like, just so you know, like I got this other thing going, and like that log is staying on the fire. Right.

Like, is that gonna be a problem? Like, are we gonna let everyone know before they show up or is this gonna be dropped on them every season that like Kevin has, he's got this other little, you know, the action. And there's no other bachelor that you could find in a holiday. It's gotta be Kevin.

Well, he's our, you know, we need to be a part of this. I don't really have access to a lot of these other guys. This is the only person you know? This is the only person that we have, let's put it that way. Well, Kevin, how do you feel about this? I'm down. I'll try, hey, I'll try anything once.

You were on- He's camera ready. Yeah, he's camera ready, he's got full, he's got full face on. He only needs two or three runs at a single sentence. He's got full, he's wearing full face, he's contoured, he's got his lashes on, he's got full, he's got full face. He only needs two or three runs at a single sentence. He's got full, he's wearing full face, he's contoured, he's got his lashes on, he's ready. You were on After Midnight recently, right?

I was. I wonder about incorporating that competition into the Bachelor franchise. That's fun. They're giving answers to the prompts. You watch the show and every other week they're playing flag football or they've got a, you know. Oh, they have a fake wedding dress photo shoot.

Learn a choreographed dance routine. I'm going, why aren't they playing after midnight? Everybody's wondering it. We've all been thinking it for years. And Kevin is amazing at it. Watch this. and Kevin is amazing at it, watch this. When a woman recently lost her precious emerald ring, it was discovered to be found in her chihuahua's stomach.

What's another valuable thing that you might find in a dog's belly? Very good. Am I supposed to answer it? Yes. So we usually get like, is that, am I supposed to answer it? Yes. So we usually get like, is that, am I supposed to answer? But then after he says that,

it's like he absolutely crashes. It's on. Like once he knows that it is his turn to answer. Okay, okay. Don't use the computer. I know, my computer's off. Okay, it's on, it's absolutely on. He's lying.

And I know that because I've been lying. Oh, it's me? The's absolutely on, he's lying. And I know that because I've been lying. Oh, it's me? The thing in the Chihuahua stomach is probably second chances. Well, that is very valuable. It's one of the most valuable things in life. What's more precious? Than a second chance.

Than second chances. I actually heard this was like a Christian worship podcast before I came on and I'm glad we finally got this was like a Christian worship podcast before I came on and I'm glad we finally got to that. Christian warship. Christian warship. People say, yes. The word sounds similar.

We're doing battle on the high seas in the name of. Of scripture. Yes. No, no. This is not a Christian warship. This is a Christian warship. No. Yes, yes, yes, Christian warship. This is a Christian warship. No. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

No, so wait a minute. Take to the ocean and if it's so help you if you have not heard the good word, we are going to blast it at you with a cannon. Wow, wow. You've got a chance to be saved. So you're gonna blast everyone with a cannon of Christianity from your giant, like,

where are you going with, like, just up and down the Eastern seaboard or? In the ocean of... So this is actually, hang on one second. Can you hang on just for one second, please? I sure can. Just hang on one second. Can you hang on just for one second please? Just give him a second. Recently in the news, there was a big ship

where the entire crew was, they were all, they all had a church on the ship. What's the interesting place for a ship like that to have a war? At sea. So true. So the ocean of at sea is what we found. It's so true.

Is what we found. Wow. So like if he could just like pop off, I don't know, like 20 or 30 of those, like every episode. Yeah, that'd be great. I think the Heartland would love it. Both coasts would love it.

Yes, thank you. You definitely, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, the mountains would not be down necessarily. Well, the coast would love it because you're on the ocean. The mountains would be pissed. It's not gonna get there. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

And that's only a problem if they do decide to come down. That it's an issue. But as long as they just stay up there. They do their thing up there, we do our thing down here. The coasts have the beach, so they're gonna like the ocean. The middle of the country's gonna like the content. And so we've got basically everybody, and the mountains can like,

just eat my ass. Oh no, no, no, sorry, sorry. We just wanna stay out there. Yeah, I'd rather not. Because like the higher ground thing, like our weapons are not gonna do well from higher ground. They could just basically. Just what I've learned recently about trying to get up high,

like go to space and stuff like that. It's just like, there are a lot of challenges involved. The fact that they're already up that high, I'm kind of fucked if we get into a. So you guys had never, like, how do you, are you just circling back to you going to space on Saturday? Well, we're hoping to circle back after we do it.

Then you might get stuck up there. And we're forced, the smart people we talked to told us that everyone is gonna be very old when we come back. Yeah. Oh, you're gonna be up there for a long time. Yeah. Are you gonna bring a lot of supplies?

It won't feel like a long time for us. We're gonna be the same. Okay, that's kinda fun. Yeah, I guess so. We'll be the only two smoke shows on Earth and everyone else will be on. Finally, that's a little. I mean, that's a reality show, right? That's the two smoke shows that went to space.

But it's like you're saying, though, all the, everyone is gonna be, like the older people are gonna be the new influencers. Yes. And like, that's gonna be hot. You got fired up. It's eye of the beholder, the older people are gonna be the new influencers. Yes. And like, that's gonna be hot. You got fired up. Well, it's eye of the beholder, and I'll tell you what. You feel good.

But it's pissing me off. No, I can tell. Because here I am like, You're fired up. It's almost like a Twilight Zone. Finally, I'm the only person who's hot in the world. Yes. But now it's not hot anymore.

It's the eye of the beholder. It's the eye of the beholder. And what's more, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And what's more, I'm the only one without STDs. Which is a status I'm desperately trying to maintain and protect. He has tons of STDs.

That's why you can't use them under the bus. Hey, I was saying, like, you go around the block enough times, like, you are gonna start to. Hang out at the barbershop, you're gonna get a haircut. Develop a portfolio. Yes. A little bit of a CV, a resume. A CV.

You spend enough time at the barber shop, you're gonna get a haircut. A CV, a VD. Well, you wanna show up to your job and they're just like. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no. What's your work experience? Like here's a blank piece of paper.

I like your snakes. Thank you. You can go read enough books at the mechanic, you're gonna get your car fixed. No doy. Do it. Oh. That, that, that.

Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? Is this the flattering impression? What time is your podcast on? Yeah, what time does it come on? And when can I listen? You can listen anytime you want.

It comes out on Tuesdays. Comes out Tuesday morning. Because usually the show, no, on my Wednesday morning. Gotta be Wednesday, because the show goes Monday and Tuesday. The show goes Monday, so it's Wednesday morning. It was doing two weeks. We record it on Wednesday morning. Gotta be Wednesday, because the show goes Monday. The show goes Monday, so it's Wednesday morning. It was doing two weeks. We record it on Tuesdays.

And then it comes out on Wednesday morning. Is it like a midnight drop or like when are we usually? I would say it's usually up, I don't know exactly when it's first thing in the morning. Okay. Yeah. Ours has been getting later and later. Kevin says his rooster's busted.

Oh. Yeah. We gotta get him another rooster. He said lately my rooster cockadoodle won't. And it should be, I've tried to explain this. Cockadoodle doesn't. It really should be doesn't. Yeah, I said maybe cockadoodle doesn't.

Cockadoodle don't? He said the day it just cockadoodle won't. Don't is also much better than don't. Cockadoodle doesn't. He said the don't. Or don't is also much better than don't. Cockadoodle don't feels better to me than what, but he says wasn't. It's gotta be don't. Cockadoodle don't. Cockadoodle don't.

Cockadoodle won't. All right, and here's a segment I'm gonna introduce on after midnight. It's called. Ask for midnight. It's called. Ask for Midnight? It's AFT. AFT. Say it right, Kevin.

AFT-er. AFT-er, no. AFT-er. Sag-at-ftra. Okay. It's called interesting, to say the least. Oh, okay. I tell a long story.

Yes, I'm here for this. And the contestants have to say if it's interesting, the least. Okay. Or interesting to say the least. Okay, let's try it. The day after my wedding, I have a housewarming party. Not everyone attend, no offense taken.

The wedding was long as before. As long as you RSVP that you're coming, you're like, that should be enough. So you didn't go, you said you were gonna go and you didn't go. No, there was enough food if you made it. Yes. So you made them pay for food but you didn't go eat it. I knew he was gonna skimp on everyone else.

Okay, okay, so you were trying to do a, be of service, you're being selfless with the other guests. He's providing for the guests, yes. Okay, so you had a housewarming party. Have a housewarming party. Okay, the day after your wedding. The day after the wedding. So if it's been a big month,

you're the only person who's had a good 2024. So far. Okay. He's planning on it. Okay. I'm hoping it is for my friend as well. Oh, his friend, that's his lover. And he's gonna try to ruin it for someone else.

That's his lover. Chef Kevin needs a friend, it's my new podcast. Oh, okay. I have a housewarming party. Yes? It's packed. I'm still running on adrenaline from the wedding. Oh, okay.

Eli come up to me, he officiate the wedding. Did a good job. He officially ate the wedding. Oh, okay. Whoa. Eli come up to me, he officiate the wedding. Did a good job. He officially ate the wedding. Okay, he officially ate the wedding. He ate that. He officially ate that wedding. Yes. Okay, Eli.

He come up to me. Hey, Kev. Any chance you'd make me one of those famous espresso martinis you do this is a wild story. I Will I wait till the end say interesting the least or interesting to say the least? Okay, I? Look around it's a madhouse there are so many people here panicking right now Okay, I grid my teeth. Yeah, I'm sort of, I'm also kind of getting, I've also kind of freaked out a little bit.

Okay, yeah. I get out one of my coupe classes. Your what? One of my coupe classes. Okay. That's where the rooster used to live. Cockle doodle, don't. I get the beans.

Cockle doodle wasn't. Okay. I get the Tito's. Few-doodle wasn't. Okay. I get the Tito's. A few other, my cousin come up to me. Wait, what? Kev. A few other, my cousin come up to me. A few other, my cousin come up to me. Kev, we doing espresso martinis.

I can't. I gotta do another take. Kev, we doing espresso martinis? I'm panicking. I can see why you needed to do that again. The inflection was totally wrong. You had to do it again. Okay, okay, okay.

I say, yeah. Do you want one? Oh my God. They all say yes, peace. Okay, four espresso martinis coming right up. That's like the SBA award. SBA award, yeah. These are the yes, peace.

Am I at the SBAs right now? Should have dressed up, put on a skirt for you. That's where I got into situations, really stressful situations. I just closed my eyes like I'm at the ESPYs, everything's fine. Just take me to the ESPYs, it's my gun. Four espresso martinis for you four.

They all, thank you very, ooh, so good. I make good espresso martini. No, doy. Few other people walk up. Kevin make espresso martinis, Can I have, sorry. Kev make espresso martinis? Can I have one? Oh my God.

Arden, I have to make 11 espresso martinis. That's a lot of espresso martinis. That's stressful. On the 11th, it start to hit me. Not the alcohol, not the food, not the cake, not my treat. Your treat? Cake.

Uh-huh, okay. Oh, I'm getting so tired. The last espresso martini I make, I go, did I put alcohol in this? Might as well. I put, I don't know if I'm doubling the amount of alcohol in this. I just hand it to my friend.

Bye. Whoa. Hollywood handbook. That was a hate gum podcast.