Hollywood Handbook - Greta Titelman, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: February 27, 2024

GRETA TITELMAN returns to help The Boys apply for Fringe Festival.Get a Hat Pack Hat here!Watch the video of today’s episode at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes. Like the show? Rate Hollywood Handbook 5-Stars on Apple PodcastsAdvertise on Hollywood Handbook via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I want you to feel relaxed. I want you to do whatever you want. Right before we record, we'll tell them to put the mics closer. But let's go through everything if you have other questions. And it does feel extremely gendered to the pebbles. Fake pebbles. I just think that maybe it's you. See this dirt? Yeah. This is fake.

And you don't say why either. I think it would help them to know why. Yeah. Especially. Kevin's beard also fake. Especially because they're. you don't say why either. I think it would help them to know why. Yeah. Especially. Kevin's beard also fake. Especially because they're. Same material as the pebbles. Women.

Uh-huh. You're saying it's sexist? The way he asked you to move the mic closer. Yeah. I don't see him do that to a lot of men. Wait. Why are we in headphones and you're not? Oh.

Again. We want you to feel relaxed and to be able to make your own choices and to have like the freedom to record the podcast however you want we also want that for ourselves i but i i didn't say that you had to put them on you kind of insinuated i said you can do whatever you want i said we want you to feel comfortable but we actually want that too we actually want that for ourselves yeah i want to feel comfortable i want you to want you to feel comfortable. But we actually want that too. We actually want that for ourselves. Yeah, I want to feel comfortable. I want you to want me to feel comfortable.

Is that insane? Why are you wearing them? I like to hear myself. Yes. I like to hear the dude. You know what I mean? The dude is talking. That's what I like to know when it's happening.

Yeah, I feel that. you know what i mean the dude is talking yeah that's what i like to know when it's happening yeah because the way my head is set up is that the mouth is like going like shooting out straight ahead and it's not like yeah like the ears are back here my ears are really far back yeah yeah you know i don't know if you can i notice that um you're probably gonna have to imagine it okay or what you may want to do is then i'd have to have your phone maybe like pictures yeah yeah that's google hayes ear distance from mouth yeah they're almost google it because google doesn't work anymore they're almost they're almost completely doesn't work anymore tell me why kidding me these the search results now it's the and shitification of all of our major internet resources go to amazon for instance i have to sleep on my face so my ears kind of drift back towards my towards the front he's trying to get the weight

to pull yeah yeah because his his he has a lot of extra i don't know if you mind me talking about this a lot of extra flesh on the side of his head so there is room for them to sink down yeah have you guys um you guys have seen did you watch how to with john wilson i don't i mean this kind of like weird stuff i don't really go for that weird stuff it's like weirdo stuff yeah yeah we uh we're a little more down the middle yeah sure bob hart's abishola stuff that bob hart's abishola is uhola is just a television program that gets watched by, I don't know, 12 times more people than How To with John Wilson. So I don't know that I need to be shamed for being familiar with it. Like, it's a massive runaway train. I think that How To stuff sounds...

A massive runaway train? Yeah. Imagine a runaway train. Now make it bigger. Now make it bigger. Now it's massive. How are we going to stop this train? We're not.

Well, not with the weirdo stuff. You know what I mean? Babatola. Babatola. What did you say it was called? So disrespectful to both of them. Yes. What did you say it was called?

Bob and Abishola. Yes. Bob, I don't know what this show is. That's clear. Well, are you making it up? Why did you bring up your niche sort of little tiny show? What do you want me to know about it? The John Wilson fellow.

Notice I could learn his name. Because you present very normal. I just want to say. I thought we were getting a normal person to finally have a normal conversation on this show. And we've done the show with you. And every time it's like you just seem like

a normal person, but then you're introducing this stuff. Like a stone cold chiller, but then you're all of a sudden bringing up this freaky weirdo stuff that I'm going like, okay, still waters run deep with this one yeah yeah you know well sorry to disappoint um it's not disappointing it's not disappointing it's surprising it's surprising we want you to be comfortable and what's disappointing is when

you try to use whatever i don't give a shit now give me something you might type in and i'll give you one. Okay. Hang on. Can you give him something? Nike socks. Nike socks. Okay. So let's say you type in Nike socks. You would think that among the top 50 search results, you might see a pair of Nike socks.

But what do you see now instead? Not Nike socks. Givibily socks. Givib Nike socks. But what do you see now instead? Not Nike socks. Givibili socks. Givibili socks. Like socks for Zuby Bar. I mean, you know. What's a Zuby Bar? Yeah, that's what I'm asking.

You don't know Zuby Bar? That's what I'm asking when I'm on this thing. What happened to the Nike socks? And it's all pushed down by by these these amazon in brand companies and it's gone away and google's doing the same thing and at some point we gotta stand up oh my god well what's something you might google hayes davenport ear distance yeah you're gonna uh before you know it you're gonna be uh getting sold zoobie bar headphones or something why don't i google that we'll do it and see yeah no let's look at what the top result is okay we'll turn

your location off at least if you're gonna google yeah they will find i don't want people to think that i'm googling my own ear distance okay because i basically have to google at this point because they're so far back that's the only way I can actually find how far it is is by Googling it. I got to say, what's the top result? Something sponsored, no doubt. And when they're being talked about,

they actually move farther back. So this is not helping me. It's not helping anyone. It's not helping the show. It's kind of like shrinkage, isn't it's not like that well guess what because that when you talk about it it's kind of crazy who me it's kind of crazy because when i um google you oh my god uh literally nothing comes up. So this is what we've been saying.

Google is like so completely fucked up and insane now that anything that's actually real and is actually doing good shit, actually putting out good content into the world, they're like, oh, we don't see that anymore. We only see Zuby Bar. Yeah. Zuby Bar headphones. And Gaviboli. Can I ask a question to you guys if you could

pitch a product on Shark Tank yeah didn't you ask us this last time I would pitch I didn't I know I didn't I would say Sharks

I'm here with uh a product i'm seeking 200 000 dollars for 20 and the product is being peaceful oh how much healing could happen yes the sharks would give a mere 200 000 for 20 being peaceful. And what is, is it an app? Is it like a Headspace app? It's kind of like an app. It has many functions. And it's free for everyone. Wow.

Just like an app. And you can subscribe to it. Yes. And for extra, if you pay extra you can get other features well you can be peaceful in different scenarios different contexts you know what I mean you can extend it

and you can like get little like extra like whatever like a peace bomb that you can set up or something like a bath bomb yeah like a bath bomb or something so you'd receive a peace bomb that you can set up or something like a peace bomb yeah like a bath bomb or something so you'd receive a that you'd receive a physical bomb of swords of peace not of swords no swords are swords are well sometimes used to keep the peace but ultimately they're for fighting

yeah of sorts of sorts you know what's yours when yeah everyone has their questions they're like i want to do mine now so go ahead i just told you the name it's being peaceful it's the name is being peaceful that's the product and that's what it is well you want to hear mine yeah because it's quick i'll go sharks let's stop beating around the fucking bush you know what i'm here to sell nudes of you let's talk about it this is a negotiation is it a finite number of nudes is it an only fans like is it just one well i mean it's yeah if you want to talk numbers i would probably yeah we're gonna need to see money before we give details on this. It's in a shoebox.

It fits in a shoebox. Yeah. You don't know how big the actual images are. I basically go, here's a closet. In this closet, I have 16 different shoeboxes. Your contribution, let's say $200,000, you'll get 20% of these shoeboxes your contribution let's say two hundred thousand dollars you'll get 20 of these shoeboxes now if you want the whole damn closet that's another conversation but this is a negotiation this is how we engage and i've got to see some upside and now how do you mr wonderful probably

wants a royalty right how do you get 20 of 16 shoeboxes and that's like this is why these are business experts yeah right no this is why, these are business experts. Yeah. This is how they figure this out. No, this is why they have, I don't know if you know, they have a whole team of like numbers people just off to the side

like running all this to be like, this is a good deal. That's actually good news. Especially if like Robert and Mark are like going in on it together so they each get 10% of 16 shoeboxes.

Well, Mark's off the show. Mark's leaving. Yeah, he's gone. My dream is that I do my pitch and everyone's like no thanks we don't want this and then the other guy who used to be there who I think was also named

Kevin the original infomercial guy yes no not Kevin O'Leary there was a different that's Mr. Wonderful that's why he said the other guy also named Kevin I'm just getting kind of yeah I'm just getting a little

bit frustrated yeah there's another Kevin his name was like it's not Kevin Heffernan he's from Super Troopers but it was like it was something like Kevin Heffernan but it was something like that it was like Kevin something with an H and he was like an infomercial guy and like never wanted to participate in anything. The only thing he ever bought was like a broom that basically was like something you had already seen in an infomercial.

Because he was waiting for like something that could actually change the world and like actually be huge for the world. Yeah, so being peaceful. Yeah. actually be huge for the world. Yeah, so being peaceful. And I similarly would like to leave and then immediately get a phone call from the Copa Divino guy who had gone on,

not gotten a deal because he would not separate the packaging from the actual wine that was inside there. And that he ended up making a buttload of fucking dough off of his product. And he would easily be able to afford these nudes and he and I could probably hang out at his winery and just kind of like

cook up some more schemes. You think he has a winery? Yeah, I know he does. He was making his own wine. What do you think was in the copa? I thought it was like from like a big distributor and he just like put it in those. The whole

issue was that they said you have this revolutionary packaging let us put any wine we want and he said it's my wine or no wine oh i didn't realize that it was from his vineyard wow you want to know hayes's favorite wine what i want to go to miami always wants to go on vacation to Miami and whines about it non-fucking-stop. The second we finished recording, he's like, can we do a live show in Miami? I want to go there. It's his favorite wine.

And I'm sick of it, frankly. Have you... It's daytime or nighttime. It's a completely different experience. Like, this is my understanding. When night falls, you're like a completely different experience. This is my understanding. When night falls, you're in a different city. You know what I mean?

About Miami? Yeah. Yes. Have you ever been there? No! This is the whole problem. I want to go! Right.

Why don't you just go? Just let me go! Just let him go to Miami. Just let me go for one second. Kevin says that the numbers don't you just go just let me go just let him go to miami just let me go for one second kevin says that it just like the numbers don't work that's all he keeps telling us oh right it's like you can't afford it this is his way of saying kevin kevin on shark tank and then this kevin here and they're always telling us the numbers don't work for them you guys can't afford to go for the podcast. Kevin likes to say the numbers aren't really working for me.

The number that might make it work is two. It's basically like if Kevin can come as well then he'll let me go to Miami. I don't want to go with Kevin. Who do you want to go with? I want to go by myself. I want to do it myself.

That makes sense. He's big enough now. He. I want to do it myself. That makes sense. He's big enough now. He's old enough to do it. When is your birthday? Greta, just say your Shark Tank. I think it's March. I think it's March 22nd.

Oh, that's so good. The person who came in with the prompt had put more thought into it than me. Just do your Shark Tank idea. Just do your Shark Tank. So you can win the episode again. You're so aggressive. You know what? The last time you were here,

we talked a lot about what we were going to do when we did your show, and then you ended your show instead of having us on. That was one of the most disrespectful pieces of rudeness that's ever been done's so that's what you invited back on the show to haze me don't go to huh you invited me back on this show to haze me no i haze him i think he's hazed because he's he's haze yeah i'm as haze as you can't haze a haze uh i do it all day long yeah i gotta say i'm doing it right now i disagree okay so my product i think would be are you talking to the sharks right now yeah okay then

don't say i think you need to we i have to embody the role of like a barbara corcoran ask mogul which means that i do have to find someone who projects confidence okay i would obviously prefer you were a strapping young man but this will they should i don't actually think they should do this my mic closer i mean kevin are you getting anything at all that will help i don't think this is a good idea but at some point i think they should at least consider calling barbara a business mo girl i don't think they necessarily should do it but i do think they should have the conversation i don't think they should have to a mogul i don't think they should have to mo girl spelled m-o-g-u-r-l uh now that you mentioned i was thinking gi but now that you mentioned it i't think they should have to. Smogirl spelled M-O-G-U-R-L?

Now that you mentioned, I was thinking G-I, but now that you mentioned it, I do think they should consider. Again, I'm not pitching this. Can you look at me in my face when you talk to me? I do think they should consider. I'm looking into the camera. This is who I'm talking to. This is the audience. I need everyone to know.

I'm not actually pitching this. That's not. I am pitching a discussion about it. No know i'm not saying do it or don't i'm saying they should have if you were in the meeting discussion about it yes if i was in the meeting if i was in the discussion absolutely not but let's talk about it get out let's make a list get out so we can talk about this yes what would i wear to the meeting i mean kind of like those boots yeah i probably got a nice pair of boots can we just cow how am i touching the ground now oh yeah i remember when we started you were um i was effectively like on a swing yeah yeah the couch was sort of a swing for you

where your legs were dangling your legs were dangling in the air and now your feet are comfortably on the ground what happened it just became a very big girl very big girl yes a mo girl you grew up are you still talking to the sharks yeah because the sharks are kind of this conversational tone with the sharks is impressive okay do you have your dream team ahead of time or do you want to say your product i know who i want i i know i know who i think is right for my product. Yeah. Emma from Good American and the Kind Bar guy. Daniel.

Daniel Lubitsky. And the Buy Soda. The Buy, yes. He knows a lot about branding. He knows a lot. Buy. Buy Soda. Buy visibility.

Buy Soda. Okay. My product are socks yes that if you have a shedding dog okay think about this you have a shedding dog your dog's shedding shedding everywhere there's gotta be a better way shedding constantly and you're thinking to yourself i don't want to get on my hands and knees with a dust pan i don't want to go get the dyson that's gonna blow out a battery after two uses i've got this you're using the dust pan and it's like falling apart you go like time to take these old tools

out behind the woodshed exactly right yeah shoot them kill them yeah put them out of their misery right fuck this yeah yeah yeah the wooden the wooden shed the wood the wooden shed and also like dog shed we're in a time of multitasking you know i need to be drinking my coffee answering emails listening to stuff you know to our show you could say to our show. Yeah, listening to this show. Listening to Hollywood Handbook. Yeah, name it. Listening to Hollywood Handbook. Say it to them, yeah. Listening to Hollywood Handbook. Ooh, back up for a second. So what do I do when I want to clean all of the hair off my floor?

I put on these gorgeous socks that effectively are static socks that as I sashay throughout my home collect the hair are they going to zap me what I'm Robert static socks are they going to zap me and he's asking that about almost everything almost every product that comes in

he is he's going to ask if it will zap him how do I not get zapped hold on let me bring out a sample for you to try on. So then I go and I get the socks. And hopefully the sample zaps it hard enough. It just kind of like takes him out of the picture

for a little bit. And then you guys have to take off your shoes and socks. My cowboy boots are, yeah. And then I invite you up to the demonstration zone, which is filled with hair okay and then we watch as the socks magically collect it's a carpet filled with hair carpet hardwood it collects from do i need to do any particular kind of movement in order to help

you don't have to sashay you can sashay or drag your feet. Okay. I wouldn't mind if there was an app with a designated series of movements, perhaps a popular TikTok dance or something. Sure. Learn and practice. Like an exercise. Like a subscription along with the socks so that it's like, oh, because as you said, it's an age where multitasking is kind of necessary. Yeah. I'm listening to the podcast but i'm also drinking coffee yes you said yes but how do we film the tiktok demonstration with like let's be honest

like everyone is getting zapped everyone who like there's so much lays eyes on this issue i know we're we're not talking to the sharks anymore yeah okay but you and i can admit to each other that these things are going to zap the fuck out of you. And then if you tried to film something, it would probably short out the phone. We try and get some D'Amelio or whatever to promote this product. They put the socks on. We have them do the running man on this carpet. And you're thinking that there's so much electricity. They do one drag.

They're out. And they'll find themselves in next week. They will be zapped into next week. Well. Which is almost my birthday. March 22nd. So that's very close.

Am I right? No, you're not. March We can't do this. 17th? You think my birthday is on St. Patrick's Day? My cousin's is. You honestly? So that makes sense to me.

Honey, this ain't your cousin. Sorry. Do I look like the type of person who would have their birthday be on St. Patrick's Day? Wow. I mean, kind kind of oh my gosh and it's and she just keeps digging hollywood eating better is easy with factors delicious ready to eat meals every fresh never frozen meal is chef crafted dietitved, ready to go in just two minutes. Speaking of ready to go in just two minutes, Chef Kevin is here with his new show, The Chef Kevin Factor, where he creates fresh, never frozen meals. Now, this is different, Kevin.

I just want to establish. It's none of this, like, here's a pile of ingredients. Like, this is different, Kevin. I just want to establish. It's none of this, like, here's a pile of ingredients. Like, this is the meal. The meal has to be ready. It's not a recipe. Okay? This is the meal. You cook the full meal for us now, Kevin.

You don't just send us a bunch of stuff you had laying around in your cabinet. You're actually doing the cooking. And there are 35 different options to choose from every week including calorie smart protein plus and keto which is this it's a little bit of all of them okay okay it shouldn't be there are also more than 60 add-ons to help you stay fueled up and feeling good all day long how many add-ons and what are some of them it's one big add-on and it's you on your bed. You're so tired after you eat my meal.

The promises the meal makes us sleepy. You've been pushing that so much. You're saying that you will be added on to your bed. Yeah. Your bed plus one. That's the opposite of what this is supposed to do. It's supposed to help you stay a lot of these. I know give you a ton of energy.

They have like smoothies and things like that. for two me walking in my bedroom what's the second it's you and your bed bad i guess clippy fuel up fast with factors restaurant quality meals that are ready to heat and eat wherever you are pancake smoothies and more discover a wide variety of easy options for the entire day like breakfast midday bites and more no we didn't even this is absolutely this is not even up for consideration so let's just hear what the actual meal what was the food i don't want to go to bed it's very simple it's one huge chicken nugget sign up and save we've done the math factor is less expensive than takeout every meal is dietitian approved to be nutritious and delicious head Head to factormeals.com slash theboys50 and use code theboys50 to get 50% off.

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but you'll always be glad you did it. Kind of like this podcast, except it is easy for me. Hollywood Hamburg. Can I pitch you my thing, Greta? Yes. There's a bunch of hair on this floor. That keeps happening. See, we need the socks.

Now I'm shrinking again because I'm sitting upright. Think about how many times you go to the bathroom a day. Four, five, 11. Once. One. Wipe, wipe, 11 once wipe wipe wipe wipe wipe all clear over here is this a different use for the static socks

end of the day you put on your pajamas pajamas strip nude what the heck? Wait, do I strip nude? No, you put on your pajamas. Then you're like, ugh.

Something about this. These don't fit. It's nasty. What's the product? Get this off of me. We're not there yet, but you're right to ask. You look at your undies. It's nude.

It's being nude. It's not your it's news it's being nude it's not it's themselves it's being okay so when they ask me are there any competitors i will have to say yes chef kevin is there are other uh people in this space you know uh and but i think we have first mover advantage. We've been nude far earlier than Kevin. So Kevin, continue. He waits until pajama time. You're being nude. You look down at your undies. Skids everywhere. Oh my God, Kevin.

Jesus Christ. But I wipe all day. Oh my God, Kevin. My product. This has never been the show. This could be good. Oh, Greta. Skid-free underwear.

Oh my God. So the shit just stays in your ass? We're still working on the science. Or it just goes into your pants, I guess. Like it can't stay on the underwear. So you just have poop cheeks. Oh God. We're still working on the science,

but no matter what. This is the most engaged Greta's been the entire fucking episode. She's been stiff-arming us the whole time. I'm concerned about the problems that face America. And then Kevin just like... Duty-free. Steers us off. So, hold on.

You're getting intimate on Valentine's Day. Oh, no. Time is stripped nude. You look down. Boxers? Undies? Clean as a whistle. You look over at your lover.

Big nod of approval. I'm so proud of you. So your lover inspects your undies before you guys make love? That's what we're learning. Well, before it was kind of hard to not acknowledge. Now, thanks to duty free. It's called duty free. It's going to be tough to promote at the airport.

Duty free. Yeah. This is primarily an airport play. Duty free. Yeah. This is primarily an airport play. Well, I really don't want to stay. It's not for sale. It's not for sale.

But which shark would you work with? Jeff Foxworthy? Yes. Gotta be, right? Me and JF. If you are in Kevin's underwear at the end of the day, you might be a skid mark.

Oh my god. And this unfortunately is what the show has become. It's very unfortunate. I got a collab lineup with Jeff. We got tour dates. Sorry, Hayes, we're going to Miami. If no matter how much Kevinvin wipes you don't seem to leave you might be a good mark

if kevin's lover is inspecting his underwear and looking you square in the face i think jeff Jeff Axworthy told Kevin that he was taking this underwear to my hammies. How? What? Are they boxers or briefs? They could be both. And do you make them?

I'm going to rock your world. Do you know they've made those combined those into a single product a boxer brief yes yeah it's amazing just happened wow yeah so it's like when you ask that question now it's like you should know there's a third category a boxer brief yeah yeah kevin thinks that's why it's called a briefcase because it you hold your briefs when when like when last time we went on tour quite a while ago i was like what like what why do you have so many briefcases like what's in there it's like what do you what do you mean yeah it's a briefcase like what do you mean what's in it well people were

noticing my underwear on that tour too because the way i used to go to the bathroom oh my god and well again kevin would become entirely nude what do you mean the way that you used to go to the bathroom he's telling us he's adjusted to be nude and or the urinal in the airport kevin brings a coat hanger to hang into the bathroom to hang up his pants and underwear. Shoes on. He takes off his shoes, takes off his socks,

puts the socks in the shoes, leaves his t-shirt on. He'll put his wallet in the toe of the shoe as well and put the sock behind it and go, no one's going to see this. Yeah, that's good to do, I'd say. I guess, but I don't know why. Stands at the urinal, holds his t-shirt under his chin.

I guess you don't want to fall off your pants on the hanger. So he holds his t-shirt up. He's pulling his t-shirt up and holding it down. Pulling it under his chin so it doesn't fall down and get pee all over it. No, it's not going to fall in. He's still wearing it. How long is the shirt?

It's long enough. Yeah. Yeah. It's a really, really long Rasta Bart Simpson shirt. What Bart Simpson shirt? Bart Simpson, but with like a Rasta wig. Oh. That's what he would wear for travel.

Traveling. That's like Kevin's travel shirt. The issue I have is I try to put my hand on the wall to hold. I see you guys do that. That would look cool. But whenever I put my hand on the wall. You have not seen me do that. It says don't have a cow mon.

It says what? Don't have a cow mon. The shirt. Yeah. It's Rasta. Go ahead. You don't know Bob Hart's Abishola you don't know rasta bart simpson you don't even know what he says i don't even um i still do not know what the first

show is why did you bring up how to with john wilson again because hayes's ears are so far back and his are far back yours are far back but his are far back as well i can't imagine why else you would bring it up because you're using gravity to pull them forward and it made me think about the guy that wanted to regrow his foreskin and he connects little clamps to the skin around the head of his penis and pulls them down with little weights to regrow it back. Yeah, those clamps. I never thought I would miss Kevin Skidmark conversation, but here we are. This is how you wanted to start the show. This was early.

I can't believe I doubled back for it. My multitasking issue is when I put my hands on the urinal, I forget. Both hands. You're using both hands, Talene. So you're peeing like this. Holding down your really long Bart Simpson Rasta. With his chin. With your chin.

But I'm a bad multitasker. So when I get both hands up, I look up. Why do you look up? I forget. You're staring down? That's like bad urinal. Don't you look up? I forget. You're staring down? That's like bad urinal. Don't you need to watch where your feet go?

So he kind of loses balance. You're not supposed to. Also, he's barefoot and he has no traction, really. This guy's never done a day of work in his life. So he's got this very smooth feet over here. Baby soft, yeah, palms of his feet. So he's kind of slipping around. And so, well, especially both. Well, and he's lotioned to the gills.

I mean, the amount of creams and stuff this guy applies. Barely get through the airport. And so both hands on the urinal wall, he ends up kind of accidentally pushing himself out. So his feet completely slip out from the back. This is what happens to him 100% of the time on his way through security. They find a big, giant bottle of lotion, like a gallon of lotion. They go like, oh, should we just throw this out?

Because you can't bring this on the plane. He goes, no, no, no, I'll use it right now. What kind of lotion? Kevin, I mean, it's got a moon and a unicorn on the label. And then it's got some kind of symbols that I have not seen. They're not any kind of alphanumeric symbols I'm familiar with. But it says something. I don't know.

He says that he orders it special. Do you want to talk about the lotion at all? The branding is live long, laughugh Long, Life is Short. What? That's the name of the lotion? Is Live Long, Life Long? Live Long, Laugh Long. No, not Life Long.

Life is Short. Life is Short. Live Long, Laugh Long, Life is Short lotion. Where do you buy it? I make it. That's amazing. So anyway, he pushes himself out. His face hits the flusher.

Which is lucky because its next destination is the urinal itself. On its way to the floor. And it slides out. We're not reaching. Like wherever we were going to go to the floor. And then it slides out. We're not reaching, like wherever we were going to go on the plane. Miami. No. Yeah, well, they're not actually going to Miami.

Right. Yeah, I mean, it may be why he was so eager to find a play on like the duty-free shop. That's so often where he comes to when they're finally able to revive him. They're like pouring like tax-free whiskey on his face or something to try to get him to come to. To get him like smelling salts or.

Can I tell you a real story that happened to me at the airport last week, Greta? Yeah. I got these new contacts. They're way thicker than I used to. I rub my eye in the Uber. Uh-oh. I think my contacts fall out. Uber driver says, we're here.

Just a second, I can't find my contact. I said, we're here. Okay, maybe it's still in my eye somewhere. I leave. Go to the bathroom, can't find it. Scared, I go through the terminal line. Security says, what are you doing, sir? I realize I didn't check my bag.

I had to go all the way back through the line like this. For our listeners at home, Kevin is squinting one eye. Humiliated. And putting his index finger in his mouth for some reason. So that's, then what happened? Or is that it? And his pinky's in his nose. Yeah, I had to, I put my other contact,

basically threw it out. Useless to me. So now both of your eyes are bad. Both my eyes are bad. Scrummage through. Had a scrummage through my bag. Go through all my clothes. You had a scrummage.

I had a scrimmage through my bag. We all know what a scrimmage means. Come on. Get out my glasses. And then wear my glasses to my bae's bridal shower. Humiliating. Look like a doofus. Your bae.

Oh, your bae. Your fiancé. My fiancé's bridal shower. I had no context. So you call your fiancé your bae? He just did? Should I not? No, that's really nice.

I like that. And he also has another term that he uses for a certain part of it that's related to his aunties that he calls his bae area. And what is the bae area? I don't, I mean, you think I'd be like, what is that? I haven't asked him to get super specific because I'm afraid he'll offer to show me or something

and be like, you want to take a tour? Take a tour of his Bay Area. Because it's just for, the Bay Area is just for his Bay Area. So direct flight. There's a lot of great tech coming out of the Bay Area, I'll say. Yes.

Yeah. That's good. The cost of living is getting Bay Area, I'll say. Yes. Yeah. That's good. The cost of living is getting- Out of control. Out of control. Yeah. Yeah. And the sourdough.

I don't know what that's- The sourdough. The sourdough. I don't know what that's about. I have no idea what that's- They're famous for it up there. That's what he says. Yeah.

Yeah. Remember me a boat tour of the rock? Did you go? No. I'm always trying to change the subject, and he's always doubling and tripling down about the Bay Area. Oh, you're saying Kevin offered you a boat tour of the rock. This is Kevin said, yes. Of his rock.

He said, as long as you're so close to the Bay Area, you wouldn't want to miss out on a little boat tour of the rock, which I'm like i don't like we were here yeah so have you seen that movie yeah okay no sorry what sorry what was that i what just happened this was asking if you've ever seen the movie The Rock, Nicolas Cage. Why? Did you think I had or think I hadn't? I don't know. It's just weird.

I'm starting to piece some things together here. You used to have a HeadGum podcast. Okay, yeah. some things together here you used to have a head gum podcast okay yeah and the whole story is like i'm no longer associated with head gum right like like like this is like this is the story that we have been sold this is the narrative by you not having a head gun on podcast anymore but i wonder if this is a sort of spy who came in from the cold type thing where you're like, oh no, it's okay. I'm not a head gum emissary. I'm a defector.

And then you come on our show, because they're looking for a reason to pull the plug on this thing. Oh, and you think I'm going to be the reason? I think they sent you in here to make me feel bad about my ears make them move even farther back than they already are get kevin all all like hot and bothered make me

question whether i've ever seen the rock about his aunties in his bay area make kevin make make make sean not even be sure whether or not he's seen The Rock or not. At first I thought yes, but then you said Nicolas Cage and I went, I don't know who that is. Nicolas Cage is in The Rock, right? Does he play Bob? I think I should go. Does he part of a show? This feels like a hostile

environment for me to stay in. No, this is what it is, right? And then we're like no please stay we'll tell you more of our secrets right and then it gets all fed straight back to head gum by the way finally sent jake back from new york i wonder why must be a big decision coming down right need all of leadership in lockstep for this one. And it's just like so obvious, this whole fucking dog and pony show. And the fact that I didn't sniff it out. It was all building towards getting Kevin thinking

about all this different stuff, getting him to say eventually, it's kangaroo court. Do you wanna hear a sea lion bark at my area? it's kangaroo court do you want to hear a sea lion bark at my area well and by the way obviously it's like i don't want to say this but he's asking if i want to check out the gear deli factory so i mean oh god it's not supposed to no the show that is not what the show was ever intended to be i thought having you here we were excited i thought you wanted to talk to me about fringe yeah the fringe yes the fringe we know you're into this outsidery weirdo this

stuff and you know everyone over there we want to get our show into that conversation right yeah because we're doing it here and this is not gonna be sustainable yes right yes you go to fringe it's it's and it's like very freaky and crazy there yes and everyone but it's like very free right like everyone is like feeding off the artistic vibes and like and juggling and like wearing like crazy makeup and stuff like that this is actually reminding me just really quickly keep going but kevin uh can you go back through and erase the 88 instances in past episodes where i called it the cringe festival because i'm realizing that's going to negatively impact our chances of getting in i'm going to cut that out and i'm going to cut out me asking greta if

she can add me to close friends on instagram i heard changing the subject and can you also edit out where i called it it the fringe worst of all because I thought I guess I thought someone said best of all I guess I misheard it as the best of all and I called it the fringe worst of all

but we really do have to get in this thing do you want anything to cook Greta I think I from a past episode yeah I think this one's gold i think i should leave no mention that you've mentioned that you said that already you don't remember what you just said that oh you know what she's talking about another one of these quirky comedy shows i think i should leave i get a kick out of that one

i haven't seen it but i've seen uh still images from it so what's the application you have to you have to take a test no i do not test well you need yeah that's good news for us do you have like a do you have like i called it the sat worst a video or a tape of your show? I called it the SAT worst. A video or a tape of the show? Yeah, that you'd want to do live. We're making one now. Would they enjoy this episode? Anything's possible.

Sure. Yeah. Why rule it out? So then you'd need to submit your show and the description and find producers. I need to be there to kind of like explain it while they watch it or listen to it you want to walk them through like i just need to be able to like be like i like stuff that i thought about later yeah that i wanted to say so they know like this will be better prepared like when you come to do it with us in scotland or whatever oh that will be better prepared when you come to do it with us in Scotland or whatever. Oh.

It'll be a little tighter and we'll have more. Even this moment is something where I wish that I could really sit down and prepare. But then later he can be like, wouldn't it be funny if I had said whatever the other thing is. We'll have more and then I'll have the rest of that sentence. Yeah. Well, no. While they're listening to it. So it's like the same.

We're punching it up. This is the process. You're folding the sword. I mean, you talk about that. And I'm coming with you in this scenario. To do the show and to show it to them. Right. To just like have somebody they're comfortable with

because we kind of clam up around. Did you see that? Big yawn. It was a big yawn. Yeah, are you sick? because we kind of clam up around. Did you see that? Big yawn. It was a big yawn. Are you sick? Don't come do the show if you're sick. I'm not sick. If you're yawning like that,

you should really have a mask on. Did we learn nothing? Did we learn nothing? You're right. People are very sick and they're still coming and doing the show. I should not have yawned. I should not have yawned. I should not have yawned.

Yeah. The blue plague because. Why is it the blue plague? Sonic started it. If you really look at the timeline. Sonic the Hedgehog set off COVID. Well, what was the biggest like communal event happening immediately before we declared like a state of emergency in this country due to the virus

what was packing multiple people and families into like but she doesn't know because she's like this sort of an indie sensibility here She might not have seen one of the best performing comedies of the last decade. Which is why it had such a... Was it the play Hurley Burley? And it's like, no, it wasn't the play Hurley Burley. It was a big tentpole film. Which is why the body count was so high. And that's why you're here with us today.

Yeah, I guess it pays to be sort of a freaky artist, huh? I guess so. So what did they say? When you sent them your show, was it a video? How did it go explaining it to them?

I thankfully had a producer that wanted to bring my show out there, so I didn't. What'd they say? Kevin. They were really excited about it. Come on, Chris. Producers do that?

What, Kevin? Okay, I have something to confess to you guys. I forgot to ask Fringe if we could do this show. Unbelievable. Okay, the producer. So the show actually is good. Hear that, Greta? I do.

Someone just forgot to submit it. Yes. So. What would you do if your producer had forgotten to submit it who's that producer i would be really upset but thankfully i would never work with someone who forgot who's your producer who's the producer i I think I'll just keep that to myself. Okay. Okay.

You can find it on my Instagram. Where? In bio? Well, on like the flyers. You got a link tree? I don't. Okay. Good luck. Kevin, can you go back and cut? Thanks. I don't okay good luck

Kevin can you go back and cut thanks when I called it the eatingberg fridge festival I don't know exactly what I met when you said eatingberg eatingberg fridge festival

eatingberg fridge yeah because i guess that they have like have food there yeah yeah can you cut when i called the bjorn borg fudge festival because that has nothing to do yeah he's a tennis fudge yes bjorn borg is a tennis player. I know. He was, yeah. Fire and ice, huh? I don't think he really plays much anymore. No, you don't. I do.

It's my favorite sport. I've never seen you out there. And he would have mentioned it to me. He has not even mentioned even once that he saw you out there. Ever. At tennis. Has not seen you at tennis even one time yeah i don't know look if you haven't seen me must be true maybe you're so fast out there now i'm sort of wondering if you're so fast that they can't even see you can't even spot me i'm. Sonic style. Like Sonic. Yeah.

Gotta go fast. Well, it's been so great having you here. I know you want to stick around, but we should probably wrap it up soon. Is there any other products you want to pitch to the Sharks while we have you? When is this coming out?

That affects... It's a time dependent... That affects what product you want to pitch? Is it like seasonal? Yeah, when... Because immediately like... When is this coming out?

We have a producer who forgets to tell anyone anything, but that is who decides. We don't really make those calls. Right i think tuesday okay um is the product not the product's me okay okay people should come and see me live oh where do you see what i did there wow yeah it did i was what i was thinking but you're talking you're aware? Wow What I was thinking was that you were aware Of some disaster that was going to occur Between now and a specific date

And you were going to be selling relief To the sharks On March 3rd Sharks, on March 3rd I'm going to be doing two shows at Largo In Los Angeles And you should come and invest in me By coming to the show.

Both on the 3rd. Two on March 3rd? Yeah. You accidentally booked two shows at the same time? An early show and a late show. At the same theater? Yeah. Wow.

Early show. Give me one teeny taste of the show. Just even a sentence from the show. Yeah, what's one part? just even a sentence from the show yeah what's one part and i'm like okay i gotta i gotta see what she's like what's the show called wait what's the show called show's called i'm gonna i'm gonna be it's it's for this movie that i'm in called problemista what's the show's called? I'm going to be, it's for this movie that I'm in called Problemista.

What's the show name? Problemista. I've just seen a post about this. Yeah. I've just seen it. Someone posted. Julio Torres? It's his movie.

No, it was someone else posted. Me? No, it was someone else. And that lets you know, this thing's getting out there. Yeah. And the show's the same name as the movie but it's not

but it's different it's not the movie or it is the movie. It's people from the movie performing on this show. And they use the same name again? Yeah. I have a small problem

with that. That's why you're the title man. Bye. Bye. Hollywood Handbook. That was a HeadGum Podcast.