Hollywood Handbook - Joe Mande, Our Stand-Up Friend

Episode Date: January 30, 2024

The Boys talk to JOE MANDE about his new stand-up special. Get a Hat Pack Hat here!Watch the video of today’s episode at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes. Like the show? Rate Hollywood Handbook 5-Stars on Apple PodcastsAdvertise on Hollywood Handbook via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. please may I have permission? Yeah, go ahead. Y'all not ready. You're not ready for what I got for your shit. For me to talk my shit. Spinach is nasty. Whoa. Spinach is nasty. In every four?

I eat it. I eat it because I want to be strong like Popeye. in every four i eat it i eat it because i want to be strong like popeye sure but facts spinach is nasty as hell can i talk my shit real quick if you think that's wise i just finished talking my shit I'm going to talk my shit real quick Kevin I'm going to try

I'm going to try to keep my emotions in check while I say this but it is not going to be easy Kevin yeah let me ride my bike in the studio now let me do it right now.

Want me to get it? I want to get it. Okay. There's enough space in here. Don't just let me do it. You have to be excited about it. You have to like it, Kevin. I'd love for you to ride it.

I'm getting so good. Hayes has earned the right to have a little bit of enthusiasm out of you when he offers to do us the favor of riding his bike in the studio. You wouldn't let me do it in the small studio, and you said when we were in the big studio, I could ride my bike.

You said that, Kevin. I did. Well, rules are rules. Go ahead, Joe. Can I talk my shit? Joe, please talk your shit. Please talk your shit. It's great to be back okay all right well that ain't nasty like spinach that's actually really sweet thanks it's so good to have you back joe i'm always so excited when you're here because

it means i'm gonna get to see and hear comedy yes and i love to laugh and i love to have fun with my friends the worst part about doing the show about producing comedy is it's less time to be able to actually just be consuming just to be an audience member it's like why i got into this so often but all of a sudden i have no time to actually watch my comedy haze is being funny doing comedy on the show and i don't know i think sometimes i do it too and and and and and kevin did something last week that i liked but you know it's rare that someone comes and really just says don't even don't even talk to me right let's watch my comedy exactly and i mean because i that's it's great that you guys enjoy it because similarly i'm putting in the work so this it is

work for me but yeah in the hopes that you know specifically you three enjoy it right and that you get to watch your own comedy exactly yeah and you know and i've this has been a labor of love i've i've been waiting to shoot a special since i mean the pandemic we taught we talked about this yeah we talked about this we you know i remember you talking to me and saying um i want to shoot a special i'm scared yeah you know am i even allowed to shoot a special i remember you wondering if you were allowed i know i mean the the current climate obviously can you say anything anymore that's where i was at it's very dangerous comedy is the most dangerous job you can have if they made a new season of deadliest catch they wouldn't be trying to catch

crabs they'd be trying to catch laughs because that is actually far more deadly at this point because of what the woke pc police yeah we're the last time for people to step up pat toman step up and stand up get over there it's time to to walk tall yes yeah right yeah el camino yeah cry macho and so you said you saw what was out there you said this shit ain't doing it for me let me try something real quick exactly that's a let me hit you with this instead uh-huh that's a that's a uh-uh. Let me hit you with this instead. Uh-huh. That's a uh-uh. Let me hit you with the huh. Check this out.

I'm trying to see something. Let me see something. That's you, Sae. That was me. Sorry, that was confusing. I was lost. I was talking. I was talking.

I was speaking, but that was you saying it. Yeah. But I can see how it was going. But he does this to me. I was kind of shocked. I felt like I was looking into a mirror or something. Yeah, no, no. That was you talking. Yeah. But I can see how it was. But he does this to me. I was kind of shocked. I felt like I was looking into a mirror or something. Yeah, no, no. That was you talking, but it was me.

Hayes is a master mimic. And he will do this where he will suddenly embody with no warning. You know, it's seamless. He embodies, you know, another person in the room. And you just, you don't even know how to respond. You know what I love? I could see that on a damn bike. Oh,

is that occur with you, Kevin? I love for you to have your bike. Oh, this is Kevin setting himself up. Such a fake. Why? It's this fake thing.

And it's all this setup for him where he goes speaking of safety first. And then he like talks about how he wears a condom all the time like soft yeah well i don't honestly i haven't asked that question soft has to he is but the condom is is very rigid yes okay it's like a hard call here like a urethane it's like a hard polyurethane it's like a composite plastic composite um and i guess in his defense it's like it does kind of make sense that like why is the condom so soft when like dd's supposed to be hard yeah right it doesn't seem fair it's a whole oh okay pick a lane right yeah it's oh oh i'm too soft it's like dress for the job you want i guess oh i'm too soft why don't you fucking hold yourself accountable right right you know what i mean clean your side of the street first condom before you come knocking on my door right right like that's that's been my i thought you're here to help it's been one

of my issues i have a few issues. But one of them is the audacity of the condom. I've been 3D printing condoms for friends. Ghost condoms. Yeah. Yeah. You can walk right through a metal detector. Dude, Kevin, if you go to the airport, I'll hook you up. You can get on the plane.

You can get on the plane. No serial number. With a full condom. You have to assemble it inside the in parts yeah well i'd love to get into some of this content you you shot this a couple weeks ago yeah talking about the process with the special because you said you were you were scared to do it you didn't know if you could now then finally you just said i've just been i've been i've been fuck it and then i went on the road let me talk my shit let me talk my shit i've been touring non-stop for you know what a year i read something that even having your phone out even if

it's face down diminishes the quality of conversation so i just realized this was here oh i apologize you're saying your thing yeah no me too and yeah just shot the special i'm currently editing it uh it's not out yet obviously i don't even have a buyer but uh you know this is the new way of of producing stand-up well yeah i mean because they're just as scared as we are right yeah you know i mean you think about trying to find a buyer for um the crabs they would catch on Deadliest Catch, you know, like that. It's similar where it's like they have to catch them first. The grocery store is scared at this point. Oh, yeah.

King crabs are scary. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. The original King crab comedy. Go off King. Yeah. Right. Crab.

So, yeah, I'm I'm so proud of you just for even doing it no matter what it is and i know it's gonna be funny and i know it's gonna be in your face uh one thing i love about where you put your phone is like right next to my drink it makes me think you want me to like drink your phone or something oh i'm so sorry you know um here i'll put it yeah uh should do we want to bury him i also don't want to diminish my drink my shoe sorry do we want to bury him do we want to dig a hole and bury him outside I also don't want to diminish my drink do we want to dig a hole and bury the phone I said I wanted to get it

oh my I said I wanted to get my bike it's feeling like cause I do want to get into the comedy special too and like something I love about Joe's voice, in terms of just like pulling punches, he doesn't do that.

No. It's true. I mean, that is true. You know, he does the full entire punch. And he like takes his gloves off, but not like that he's not going to do the fight anymore. You know what I mean? Because you might think someone takes their gloves off because they decided not to do it. Oh, no.

I'm like, I want bare knuckles to face contact. Yeah. I love and I admire that. And it's a way that you could get your hands hurt yeah but that's part of what makes it so that's the that's the craft and they have to do it too i mean if you're taking yours off then they they should have to oh it goes both ways and i yeah so like i'm willing to get hurt for my craft and yeah and i think the audience knows that they're at risk yeah what happens is probably like you both punch each other's like fists in the air that's gonna hurt so bad like that's basically

night night at this point i'm done if that happens i like i think the whole shit is done if y'all ever played if anything happens to me at all basically it's over white knuckles bloody bloody knuckles okay um i used to play and what's the name of it the slap game yeah uh-huh yeah i think i mean honestly it's sort of an inspiration for your comedy comedy how i ended up here to the slap game i played a game that was like they like they didn't tell me what the name was, but I think it was Bloody Knuckles. Uh-huh. Based on... Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh. Oh, yes.

Yeah. I have... Oh, I have played it. I played some game that was like... Yeah, I think that's... I think that must have been... That would... If that's not what it's called, it should be.

That would be a great name for it. Did you end up with Bloody Knuckles? No. Oh, no. Not in the one I played, no. It was like you had different colored dice. Yeah. And there were different colored snails on a board.

And if your color snail got rolled on the dice, you got to move forward. Sounds intense. And there was like a draw pile and like a button you could press. Like a thing you pushed. Yeah. And there was the definitions of

some unusual words okay so it sounds like four board games kind of mixed stacked on top yeah no didn't work so i uh um uh so i guess i just like I'm sick of talking and I just actually want to relax and like just like shut off my brain and just like we are going in Mimi's mode in here right now somebody did the work and like why don't I just let them

carry me home so okay yeah let's laugh you know you said it since you shot it recently it hasn't come out yet nobody's seen it no one's seen it so if we do find something and i don't expect to but if we find something that maybe could get plussed up sure with a little adr okay yeah i mean you know hayes sometimes will think of a real amy he could do you he could do your voice you think i mean i saw really funny yeah think of a really funny but on something it will make me just die and laugh do you want me to do that i i mean i'm not i'm not against i would love to see like how you could improve well let's plus up the uh the special

if possible you're never gonna be you have the special we have footage i don't know if it's fully edited kevin you've been working on well yeah it would be raw i mean it which is what kevin yeah that's one thing kevin never opposite of raw he is he is fully fully steamed and cooked yeah i am noticing as you see me release here that that my microphone is suffering from ED. Joe's is having that issue, too. Yeah. I'm sort of wondering if you have appropriated some components for the mechanism.

Substructural elements of the microphone have been removed and placed somewhere else, perhaps in the walls of the rigid condom. I mean, I didn't want to say anything, but you're rock hard. Yeah. And I'm also sort of wondering, we talked about getting the thing on the plane. The missing bolts of the Alaska Airlines panel, did they ever find those? Yeah, right?

Right. They came off from the inside, it seemed. Yes. Yes. Yes. Huh. They haven't found him. Kevin has been jangling. They haven't found him.

Kevin, you might be better at this than I am. Kevin's been asking me for a setup to what he says is a perfect punchline, which is why don't they make the whole plane out of the 3D printed condom? All right, let's watch some of this. My New Year's resolution for 2024 is to finish Oppenheimer in 2025. Like seriously, I'm almost there. I love Oppenheimer, especially the first season. Okay, okay, okay, let's talk about it oh yeah so guys it happened again this isn't

this isn't this isn't edited the way that you were expecting oh yeah okay uh no this is it this is it just trust me just trust me it's gonna be helpful for you this will be very helpful for you a lot of eyeballs and also a lot of the shit you talk about

when I watch your stand up which by the way I love but you're talking about like going to the bathroom having sex with animals like things that I think people don't really want

the one we actually watched did not even mention Oppenheimer it didn't Oppenheimer well there were no there were no movies there was no oppenheimer

there was it it really was to me very alienating yeah um and especially as someone who wants to work in entertainment ideally i think you should i should be talking about oppenheimer and things that you know and and it's i okay okay i can i'll do it again um yeah so i guess i was thinking yeah what was the genesis of this because i love the joke yeah i think you know i just don't understand i remember watching oppenheimer and thinking this is a long one i'm loving it but i i am with you a little bit it was remember that long-ish movie. And then I was thinking, you know, what if I said season one?

Sort of implying that I had binge watched. The defining quality of TV is this longness. Yes. And the seasons are even longer sometimes than a movie. Yeah. I mean, am I wrong? Yeah. does it bump you at

all and i i don't that um killers of the flower moon is like a full hour longer uh-huh i never mind no i i i just went with op at homer and i just because that's sort of more in the zeitgeist yeah no i mean oppenheiser's nominated for so many more awards and it's like um you know i there's probably better people to cut to absolutely yeah and i mean like the no by the way congratulations on getting chris nolan and all all these other people to check out your shit. You said I recorded a specialized picture of you in a theater with a bunch of the kind of scum that come to our lives.

I will admit, I pulled every single favor I could, and I thought it would be fun to just sort of arrange them into tables, numbered tables, with bouquets and such. And people were into it. It paid off huge. chris is loving this yeah like he actually gets it because he made oppenheimer's well and he thought it was long yeah he was like why the fuck am i not cutting i mean he's cracking up yeah and i and you know and

i don't need most of this he would say yeah this is all just filler yeah studio wanted it longer um so yeah i think i think ultimately i was just sort of poking fun at the at the length of the movie i i love that idea and and now i really get it yeah yeah and you know because like thematically i didn't want to go there yeah there's a lot of stuff that is is just not funny no there are concepts inside it that i don't think really would lead to anything juicy comedically but the but the movie runtime of of open holer is is actually something that like it's fair game it is and it's just fun and it's like i feel like i'm ready for i'm settled in uh-huh you know what i mean that's my open yeah i know i'm in good hands yeah that's your opener homework

by openheimer openheimer answered a lifelong question that's been on my mind for years yes scientists do get laid As long as they look like Cillian Murphy. Oppenheimer and Barbie are competing for cinematic box office achievement. Okay, alright, alright. Oppenheimer is based

on a 721 page Pulitzer Prize winning book about the Manhattan Project. And Barbie is on a plastic doll with big boobies. Stop it. Well, first, can we just say how good my teeth look? Yeah, they look worn in. Yeah.

They've been around for a bit yeah yeah yeah yeah you seem comfortable with them which is like such a big part of having teeth well it's all about confidence yeah really yeah no it's it just feels like confidence is the biggest part of having teeth in your mouth yeah um but yeah no that's that's that's sort of you can't think about it too much no yeah you just if you're like futzing with them all the time you know yeah then uh it just doesn't it makes other people uncomfortable and like that's not what you want to show i mean you can make them uncomfortable with some of your content sure no but i just just teeth wise i just want to mention i crushed it and i think uh a lot of the credit goes to um my crew for just sort of

emphasizing that no i mean there's obviously a lighting crew right i mean like you yeah yeah people think of a crew like you're like your team you're like your hair makeup whatever but they have the same equipment yeah as a pair a lot of wrenches and people talk about a stand-up special like you just like it's like just a man and a mic and you walk out there it's like no there's a whole team supporting you right every time they cut away they're coming in right yeah every go yeah commercial break i had a lot of commercial breaks in my special weirdly but yeah every commercial break it was just a lot of work done as fast as possible but it's like clockwork but it looked i mean i i never saw them on stage and uh i never stopped thinking about the teeth

thank you well thank you me neither so i do want to um did you want to talk about this joke at all oh i mean i have no issues with it. I thought it landed. I thought it like, I guess it was a good, I know that was a good observation. Well, it was brand new, which was cool. But I think what I was curious because this is, oh my God, you see her and she is like, You see her and she is like, knows exactly what to do with her face because you've put her in such a comfortable position. Right, right. And that's the thing is like, you're just, you're cared for when you go to a Joe and Andy show.

Right. But I think this could be educational for our audience in terms of, there are all these micro decisions that go into making a joke into crafting a joke for sure and like word choice yes can seem obvious in retrospect but you could have said you know what the setup the first half we know it's a 700 page book right and you know that's the for the literary elite but on the second half you could have said based on a toy right based on a plastic doll right based on a buxom plastic doll based on a plastic doll with big honking taters you know because that's your association and I think for almost all of us, when we see...

When we see a Barbie. A Barbie. We're like, look at them boobies. She's packing firepower. You know, there's no way around it. In terms of the upstairs section. You know, I had an an all there's so much more yes i mean i just i just kept it simple i was like big plastic boobies big big boobies yeah

but you know i you seem comfortable saying it i loved it i i you know that ultimately it's just like it rolls off the tongue it's my style um i remember in the room someone made the point that like you as as to your observation about firepower i i was like it's like it's like look at her sweater she's got two up yeah i agree yeah i agree to yeah like talk about bombs right yes yes i thought oppenheimer had bombs it's a it's a show for like you know it's a we want a four quadrant thing you want to be like making again like the bomb stuff but that's for inside the room like you know the green room of a of a comedy show like this some of the most depraved uh freakish ideas ever stuff like this bomb stuff you're doing yeah I know again and that lives

there and you don't you don't want to get into the actual story of the movies you're you're describing you creatures of the night yeah yeah and and and so they don't necessarily all see the movie

and like yeah the story or what it's saying or the themes is like we know how long it is and we know the measurements of a fucking certain plastic doll and the main guy hunky fuck machine

dolly big boob oh yeah that hunky sort of odd looking frail uh very ashen yeah that guy fucks right and so yeah uh yeah compare that to uh barbie the big boobies i mean it just it's right there no yeah that i i know i i like it but it's like we all know it works but then i do think it's important to talk about sometimes why it works and all the kind of landmines you avoided in ways

that you could have worded it that wouldn't have had the same impact right i created this face from gretta yes and i just want to say to be able to step up and to make that kind of observation it like because honestly right now you really cannot say that and it starts in schools yeah like i remember like i remember education reform pointing at it saying big boobies yeah yeah big boobies on them and being told hey hey you can't say that you cannot i cannot be you know what i remember what? I have the same memory, and I remember thinking, just wait. Hollywood Handbook. Eating better is easy with factors. Delicious, ready-to-eat meals.

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Your bed plus one. That's the opposite of what this is supposed to do. It's supposed to help you stay fueled up and feel good all day long. A lot of these, I know, give you a ton of energy. They have smoothies and things like that. This is wrong. Reservation for two, me walking in my bedroom. What's the second?

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Does their finger hurt? I wonder if they spotted a spider web or something. They're trying to pull down the spider web. Yeah. But I've seen this too after a lot of dates. And I need and have needed something like Babel to figure out what the heck is this person doing with their finger? Because it looks like a it looks like an emergency i know i was supposed to do something or how about those people that stand in the street

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I watched Barbie. I loved it. I really did love it. I don't want you guys to think that I'm a creep, but it was kind of weird being attracted to a plastic doll. Oh, man. It's just something about your eyes, Ryan. Oh, yeah.

So let's stop for a second. So you had me in the first half. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You knew what i was you thought not gonna lie yeah i i actually was like and i liked it even then uh-huh you know um being attracted to a plastic doll okay yeah that is a little strange right but it's also having sex with a doll universal yeah but every it's a little strange but everyone is like okay i get this like we're just on a normal tip right now exactly right before that this idea of big plastic you showed your math you showed your math yeah right you know i mean you established the doll

with the riot i'm talking about a ken doll you get dragged into a male doll a man imagine yeah and his eyes like you're looking at his eyes and wanting to have sex and i was proud that i didn't mention the big plastic uh bump where a penis would be because that to me that's just grotesque and not worth bringing up we talk about boobies well it would have been i think for me a big turn off exactly yeah to hear you talk about the penis bump uh and and instead what i got was a turn on yeah and i told the room i was like i'm i see why this is funny but i'm not like i don't want i don't want people watching to think i'm gay that or a creep like you just said like you know well like and it's like not gay like i'm looking at your eyes right now i'm looking at your eyes right now it's fine you know i don't appreciate and enjoy the beauty of

of someone's eyes but what what i love about the joke is it does live in this perfect center of the Venn diagram where it is funny to imagine you liking a guy. Because that would be gay. That's what they said. That's what they said. But you're not saying anything about sex parts, which would be a little too gay. A little gay. That's what I told the room.

I was like, they finally convinced me. I was like, eyes. I look at eyes all day. So I will. I'll meet you. I'll meet you eyes. I look at eyes all day. So I will. I'll meet you. I'll meet you there because I understand the rhythm of the joke. Once we get into body parts, now we're actually exploring something where it's like. Yeah, I don't want to get there.

Yeah. Yeah. And he's loving it. The whole show, just close your eyes wide. Everyone just looks into your eyes. And Margo, it's not always about you. Got it. looks into your eyes. And Margo, it's not always about you.

Got it. The key moment in Barbie is when she goes from perfect beauty to bad breath, cellulite, and flat feet. Or what casting directors call character actor. Bad breath. I mean, you see these actors

on screen with that stanky breath. No, I said bad breasts oh okay really sounded like you said really living in that same yeah yeah i said bad breasts is that a teeth it did say it was hard to hear what you said yeah no the teeth sometimes get in the way uh but i did say bad breasts um just to sort of you know we already established that barbie has perfect boobies so a character actor thus bad breasts what i like is a lot of it is for everyone everyone knows how long the movie is everyone knows what fucking titties look like the the thing that maybe people don't always know

is what a character actor is, which is someone with bad breath, or whatever you said. And their feet. Their feet are flat feet. Oh my God. Have you ever watched an audition? I see some of these movies with these freak shows,

and I just imagine being waited on by someone whose feet are against the bottom of their shoe you can hear do it like a paul giamatti type actor like you can hear when he walks across the even like the frame even if you can't see his feet they're just slapping the ground right yeah yeah right no it's it's full surface contact every inch of the soul is against the linoleum so i yeah i mean i think that's sort of most people even if you don't work in hollywood i think most people recognize that just when you watch a movie most nobody's watching how that's what i mean is it's for the room and the room loves it but me out here i'm learning something you know not me but someone right i'm learning

something and it's like seeing them enjoy it and feeling like i'm inside of this special club it is okay to go you know a little niche not talking about the it's inside but like movies but but i mean think about this room even if you didn't know that everyone's leaving the theater tonight no way oh yeah flat yeah like i now alfred molina has cellulitis yes he's a great actor but yeah but he has cellulitis cellulitis is a flesh-eating disease but maybe actually i should have used that i should have used that okay i thought you did again it was kind of hard to write that might be i couldn't totally i said bad breast cellulite yeah in flat feet some i wrote some other people wrote robert de niro's

here okay okay that yeah let's talk about like i guess the process you seem to want everyone to be aware of the collaborative environment yes through which like all of like a lot of our comedy comes from like the idea that we just get up here we just like do this by ourselves and i hate that and you know i i gave no credit to the writers for my first special for my sec the second yeah and discuss and by the way that's industry standard i mean most people act like everything you know sprung from their twisted mind yeah no and so i just wanted to make it clear like i wrote some other people wrote i've said some shit on this episode that's not that funny that that was written for me you know what i mean like and it's we all use other but we don't we don't spend every episode right going through and going like some of this is mine right right and to take

your special on this big stage in front of all these people and say like hey i can't take all the credit exactly exactly and you're not saying that like like the good stuff was mine and the bad shit was for now for now you like that that you're you're not it was not a blame game it was just yes i felt in that moment yeah exactly and and give even any amount of time at all for people to not know that your shit's the good stuff is like it i'm a man no just to let them yeah let them draw their own conclusions from like when you said that and why and it is fun and once you sort of let people peek behind the curtain then it is sort of a guessing game. Which one was written by him?

Which one was the room? Well, it's interesting because it was said after character actor. Yeah. Right. But it wasn't said after Big Boobies. I'll let you in on a little secret. I wrote Big Boobies. Okay, yeah.

Based on what you were talking earlier, that really did seem like that. Boobies. Because I put a little English on it. I was wrote big boobies okay yeah basically you were talking earlier that really did seem like that boobies because i put a little english on it i was like boobies playing with my teeth i wrote some other people wrote robert de niro's here yo i got the gig 10 days ago you want a perfect monologue yo shut up you got you're kidding me right so this the character actor joke really seems to have it made me spiral out a little yeah turn a corner yeah your entire bearing on stage seems to transform and the teeth almost seem to start rebelling yeah yeah trying to escape yes i mean that is true uh i i just lost my cool little let's watch this whole section well i just watched that whole look i freaked out i didn't know robert de niro was going to be there

that seems to be part of it and i needed him to know exactly how long i had been preparing for this moment and just just this was more of an aside to robert de niro this could this could be and this could be an editing thing where i want to see because as hayes pointed out at first certainly you are not um you know differentiating between who's who wrote what or whose jokes are good acknowledging the content that other people contributed i just want to watch this whole like 45 second section and see how slow down i wrote some of these and they're the ones you're laughing at look okay okay so how so so go back and i just want to see how long from the first mention to that we allowed yes that we allow people to draw their own conclusion Go back, and I just want to see how long from the first mention to clarifying.

That we allow people to draw their own conclusion. Some I wrote, some other people wrote. Robert De Niro's here! Yo, I got the gig 10 days ago. You want a perfect monologue? Yo, shut up. You're kidding me, right? Slow down.

I wrote some of these, and they're the ones you're laughing at. Okay, it was 14 seconds. You can't just let it hang out there forever, let people think that the ones they're laughing at, which I'm not 100% certain which ones you were thinking of. Yeah. You've done, I think, four jokes. And by the way, you only had 10 days.

Exactly. You had 10 days to write four jokes. You've already had to do four. And presumably there might be more. Yeah. But also presumably you're leading with the strongest stuff. Yes. Sure.

Sure. My Oppenheimers. And we're getting pretty quickly into even using ones that other people wrote at the top of it is already a noble gesture. Thank you. Yeah. It seems like I'm angry here. I'm not angry. I'm just...

Why do you think? Just because you say shut up to everyone and go like give me a break? Are you kidding me? Yeah. Well I thought that was going to be a catchphrase for the show are you kidding me yeah okay that's cool to kind of layer that through your special you call the special are you kidding me that was or i am kidding you i am kidding i am kidding you that's good it's mostly about about movies yeah i don't know does that connect with am i kidding you uh look i know it's you said is this movies is it is this movies kidding me well movies are kidding you right i mean they're

they're presenting you with uh you know something that is not real and asking you to invest in it i mean that's that's kidding I mean, that's kidding. Movies, I am kidding. I'm the movie kid. Are you movies kidding me? Kidding. Movies kid. Shut up.

Just shut the fuck up. Okay. Shut up, okay? I know. 14 seconds. That made me just so comfortable. Like, I just remember, like i i just remember like right before you did that going like what do i do am i supposed to talk and most people most people already are being very quiet yeah in the room yeah so to that

almost seemed like your issue yes and so the kind of bravery to respond to be like just be please be more quiet i thought that was funny that a dead an awkward deadly silent room to yell shut up was just acknowledging i mean it's like it's it's sort of acknowledging what's humorous in that moment yeah no it's totally it's like a big guy named tiny or something you know what i mean exactly like shut up but it's not but it's a big guy and you yell big guy you know what i mean yeah he's already big yeah yeah no i thought it was funny um and you know you said it was 14 seconds before i really blamed anyone but for like you have to imagine in that moment that's that's an eternity for me 14 for me as well no i yeah i i totally believe you yeah it felt way longer yeah if you had asked me before we yeah before we started that was why i wanted to

kind of see the entire thing because i thought i thought from an editing perspective we may want to give that more room to breathe but then seeing it no it's perfect and i could see how it would have felt even longer if you if you have realized the mistake you may have made where people are potentially thinking that the shit that they are loving uh-huh wasn't your shit no i know some i wrote some other people wrote that's kind of soft and by the way there's a tradition of that right i mean monologue jokes from you know letterman although i knew that one wouldn't work or something you kind of know okay he didn't write that one but to go some i wrote some other people wrote you are leaving this space for them to go like oh right he wrote the bad ones and the ones that i'm dying laughing at

and i could up in how merling that i'm laughing longer than up and that's honestly in the like on stage i was seeing people make those calculations in their head and i needed i just shut up yeah let me get there let me tell you shut up this next part's important i wrote i wrote the funny shit i had never seen that and it's where you always talk about in comedy right you know nothing new under the sun like who's really innovating who's doing something kaufman-esque uh and this was to me completely new i had never seen anything like it yeah i had seen people sort of blame their writers for a joke they didn't like but i hadn't seen them clarify and i am writing things you do like it was thrilling like in the moment

i felt like i was flying you know what i mean like i was like i'm do i'm breaking i felt i was like i'm breaking the sound barrier or something like this is no one's done this and every performer out there is like yes that's exactly how it is yes the shit i did was good the shit that other people did for me is busted yeah like yeah and that's why they're not the ones doing it right yes i mean that's a thing that's how you earn your tea writers pathetic losers robert de niro's here i'm sorry i'm a fan i'm a hey can i just just what they talk about professionalism can we go back to the shot of jim gaffigan registering that the light has gone on yeah on his camera yeah it this is yeah he's a pro he gave me a lot of tips actually

camera on gaffigan sees the light go on you can actually see him look at the camera and see the light go on and does a big huh yeah and that's uh that's a colleague that's brotherhood that's a comedian when you see the light go on you do a yeah end of the day we're a family and margo did the same i'm sorry i'm a fan i'm a fan i'm fanning out i love you robert okay if it's awkward i'm sorry i'm sorry people didn't catch that i had to do that in front of me. I know. I was saying I'm a fan. I'm a fan. Because of the movie, The Fan. Because he's in the movie, The Fan.

And no one got it. And I wanted to be like, I wrote that. He is The Fan. People also didn't seem to pick up that you were doing a Robert De Niro impression as well. I'm a fan. I'm a fan. I'm sorry. The famous line, right? From the movie.

From The Fan. Yeah, I'm a fan. He goes, I'm a fan. I'm a fan. I'm sorry. The famous line, right? Yeah. From the movie. From the fan. Yeah, I'm a fan. I'm a fan. I'm a fan. And when you say, sorry, I had to do that in front of you, people seem to kind of be thinking like, what did you do?

Like, was something done here? I didn't, I just didn't really register it. That was frustrating. And I was like, I thought I'm performing for cinephiles. I thought. No, they don't actually like know.

So that was frustrating after yelling that i wrote all the good stuff to write something i really thought would land with a room full of to have done something that couldn't possibly have been written for you to immediately go into something that no one could possibly have ever written for you which is to say i'm a fan and then go into an impression that you have crafted and time. And yet, couldn't possibly, and yet, it was not written. Obviously, people are not enjoying it. No, I know. I was kidding.

I didn't write that. They said like. That's what I mean. I remember even saying, what's the fan? Well, it's a hall of mirrors, you know? Yeah. I'm a bit awestruck. This guy's amazing.

Decade after decade. He just killed it. Decade amazing decade after decade decade after decade decade after decade man I gotta blame the teeth decade after decade well that was I realized we were live and I was gonna say decade after

dickhead and I thought that would be funny I kinda like that and uh yeah but i realized i'm gonna i'm gonna get bleeped well time i don't know how you do it man swear to god your last performance it's got to be your greatest performance ever how'd you get her pregnant at 80 cgi cgi yeah is he looking is he looking is he looking you're talking to me by the way killers of the flower moon is so great i just want to say like you're kind of you're kind of back

yeah like we are so back right now yeah like and it's and now i feel like okay now i do know which ones he wrote your last performance was your best performance everyone's thinking it's a movie it is actually it's an explosive nut yeah and nutting an 80 year old nut yeah into a woman's uh and then and then i go canal i go well great joke but there's no tag on it yes especially i want to talk about this started with the with the movie idea so i was like but now we're in this world of we're talking about sex and it's a little crass but then c g g i yes talk about that can i tell you what it stands for come goes inside people thought it was okay i didn't know that that's what you were

you did know i didn't know i did not know that i didn't know that but i could tell something was going yeah because you know and then you know that was a fun one for me i wrote that because it was sort of i think you know it's one of those 10 percenters where like 90 of the room thought i was referring to uh computer rated generated you know computer generated graphics yeah um but cgi computer generated graphics yes i what is the i you're asking me it's inside as far as i'm concerned exactly dude man yeah i mean i like to me it was like i don't even know what these words actually stand for but i know it's movie related so i can yell it but we the 10 knows what what this is really kevin's screaming at us right now images images see i mean to me

it's cum goes inside kevin's screaming at his screen it's images hey killers of the flower moon the cast is here robert de niro leonardo dicaprio li Glassman, you guys crushed it. Crushed it. The one thing I learned about that movie is that white people stole everything. You guys stole everything. Not like 97%. You guys stole 100% of everything. You took the land. You took the oil.

You took the premise of the movie. What? That was your premise that's hilarious i don't care it's just that the room is really white okay pause it so so like you did end up talking about killers of the flower moon it did yeah i can i say something just but my first adr suggestion of course maybe go back and see like season one oh a callback just just quick just before you get in i don't want to lose any of that yeah no no but there is some there is some room there to squeeze that. Because there's that shot on the table. We can just plop that in. I mean, it's time to own up, I guess.

Me watching that as a white man, you're talking about white people stole the land, they stole the premise of the movie. Even the premise of the movie, they stole the oil, yes. But my first reaction, especially prep the premise of the movie even the premise of the movie and my oil yes but my first reaction especially on the premise of the movie was no we did not i got into this defensive place i thought no we didn't steal the premise of the movie i had a really visceral reaction to that yeah and i was not even really knowing like i think in my defensiveness i i didn't really

understand what you were even talking about i didn't know what it meant because i i know that it is a like true historical event that has been dramatized yes and so yeah the premise i suppose the experience of the people within the movie that's the premise belongs to them and in that sense any like biopic or anything the premise has been stolen yeah no i i which which by the which now i don't disagree with at the time that i watched it just a second ago i was livid i was fuming but but then when I said that is funny I don't care that must have relaxed you

it made me oh damn that is funny it made me just take a step back well he said I don't care that's hilarious I don't care when you said that man I just went like what am I all wound up exactly that's just yeah i don't care when you said that man i just went like what am i all wound exactly that's it was that's just releasing a pressure valve in the room no like i don't care

shut up all the air out of my time that is funny and i'm revving up my monster truck about to run you over you white devil the fucking it was a you said yeah you said there's a lot of white people in the room guilty and i go and i go man why am i sweating the small stuff and it's all small stuff exactly exactly and then i have to look back at the other ones like were those also funny you know oh totally oh totally i i really didn't know what you meant when you said the premise of the movie. I just didn't know what it meant. That's my baggage. And I knew it was at me. And I think my reaction was going, no, we didn't.

And then you going, come on, that was your premise? And I have to then also kind of throw my hands up and go, well, no, I guess I can't defend that. I can't say it was mine. You know, have you ever said a word so many times it, like, loses all meaning? Yeah. That's how it was right in that joke. I was just saying the word premise. Premise.

Premise. Premise. Premise. Okay. That's not your premise. Premise. Premise. And then that got me into a funny place where I was like, this word means nothing.

Well, it made me also like take a look at some other movie as we're talking about where i'm like that i maybe gave a pass and i'm thinking here of sully that's not your premise that's not your premise that that premise belongs come on come on that was your premise give me a break i'm sorry that's hilarious that is i mean i'm laughing that's funny i don't care i don't care i don't care solly not solly solly not solly yeah yeah i love that man that might be adr i don't know where it goes solly not solly you could go right there right there Can we go back can we try that Can we go to the shot of the table

Let's lay in that ADR right now The thing I learned about that movie is that White people You know what as we do pause this I like this phrasing that I wouldn't have expected One thing I learned about that movie I would think of it as Something you learned from the movie But it's like one thing i learned about that movie i would i would think of it as something you learned from it no dude but it's like one thing i learned about that movie which is probably more accurate

is someone explained the movie to you so that they could explain the joke i can't watch all i only got this job 10 days ago i gotta watch season one of killers of our movie yes season one yes love this crushed it it's only not something i learned about that perfect of our movie? Yes. Season one. Yes. Love this. Crushed it. Crushed it. One thing I learned about that movie. Perfect. Got it. You're recording, right? Okay. Yep. That's gonna work. We got it. The room's like, yeah, we did take

it. And? I was being like that. I want salt burn. I want salt burn. I want salt burn. Did you watch salt burn? You know what i loved about salt burn the writers did yeah i kind of i kind of was not buying that yeah yeah i didn't want i mean would be something even just that was kind of gay yeah i was wondering i didn't want people to actually think i watched it yeah this is a moment

where you were walking such a tight rope. You know, I wanted, I was like, if I say watch Salt Burnt, I just watched the eyes of Salt Burnt. Well, it's a tonnage issue too, where it's like, if you're going to say, if you're going to really watch Salt Burnt, then you do have to cut the Gosling joke.

Which like, Barbie's a bigger movie, you can't do that. I was convinced to just say i saw it yeah okay are you watching satanic families have feelings too is barry keoghan here is very good where's barry keoghan seated you busted yourself up with that one i was saying where's your penis seated down front that was the real star of the show that was the real star of the penis where's your penis seated talk to me about that um and how does this i haven't i haven't seen

salt burn this theme in your in your comedy just like watching a movie and pointing at the screen and saying boobies boobies yes yeah yes penis boobies i mean i was mostly looking at his eyes but there is a scene where he's got a big floppy dick he's just got a big floppy dick you know and uh so big that it's like because that was confusing because he was like where's your penis seated so it's not that it's like detached and it's like no no if you watch the movie it's attached okay um i didn't watch it yeah and that's sort of that is sort of the joke i'm married can you like uh like it is funny to imagine that it's detached and in in a different or that it could i guess that it could reach all the way to the front row yeah i don't even think of it yeah yeah and he said well

well not just front row he said down in front down in front which i guess is what you could say to a penis that was so big and tall yeah uh-huh i can't see i can't see the screen hey down in front penis what's good well that's something i learned uh about that movie is that uh the penis and what's what makes a joke good is if it's open to interpretation yes you know that everyone's sort of visualizing i'm picturing so many different seating arrangements for the penis what i had liked you know in the moment too is that i have heard some like discourse around the movie salt burn yeah it's a discussion yeah and i didn't know anything about dude's penis yeah and so that made me go like oh i guess that's part of the right if if the zeitgeist if the meme bring the zeitgeist to you yeah the memes are about him drinking cum i'm like i don't care

let's talk about the penis in front down in front down in front the tall penis yeah yeah it would have been too easy to make a joke about drinking cum and i'm not gonna do that no no if you haven't seen sulfur you probably have no idea what i'm talking about so watch it then you'll understand what i was talking about and then right after that watch barbie and then you're gonna be like something something's missing and then watch maestro and you'll be like oh there it is it's on bradley cooper space what okay so yeah i i thank you for taking me on that journey i just want to say many points now that i now that i have been like carried and walked to you know to the exact idea of so many different things i'm ready to be a little bit uncomfortable and lost yeah people say might say there must be a shorter way

to get there did we need to like go back to barbie which by the way i did see barbie i'm married but i watched it could you yeah and and i and i did um they don't really explicitly explore uh like him saying something's missing like they're not showing like a nude no this is again lack of imagination just talking about your joke

which I love he you're saying you go watch the movie I like how many times you said go watch the movie then you'll know what I'm talking about and then you could feel I didn't know what the fuck you were talking about you could have just come right off of the previous joke

where's your penis sitting today and just gone to like I haven't seen an appendage that big on screen since Maestro but why not tell people to see three different movies? Well, first of all, we're celebrating the movies. But here's my thing.

Of course. You say, where's your penis seated? Oh, it's on Bradley Cooper's face. Yes. No, that's... But he doesn't have it because he's not in Maestro right now. But he doesn't have it because he's not in maestro right now but he doesn't have it that is one way to go but for me the magic is sort of in visualizing a penis then the absence of that penis but in bed which again is not shown which is not shown in the

movie barbie no then go watch barbie and you'll say something's missing right but you yeah no i think you won't i think to me but you could kind of gay to be like this big penis and then to go and then talk about another like penis you need to break that up you need to make it well when it becomes a nose it's not it's not gay at all yes as a married guy, I did need just like a little palate cleanser of no penis. Can we please just have no penis in between? For half a second. And by then I was ready to be like, okay, I'm ready for another penis. Like I'm ready to see.

But it's in maestro on his face. Yeah, that big Jewish knot is a penis. That's what I was thinking. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's hilarious. I was watching Maestro. I was like, that thing was dancing in Salt Burn.

See? Is that the scene? Is that the penis? It dances in it? Yeah, he's dancing. He's dancing? Or the penis is dancing? I mean, it's sort of like chicken or the egg really

like which which yeah i just feel like are you watching and saying that nose was dancing but it was actually a guy dancing who just had a penis yes so that's what it is a guy dancing you know what i like the joke i just don't yeah i i've been able to my wife this is so frustrating because i told the room we need to talk about barbie in between those like right yeah it's such a big movie we should have big movies on the way on the way back from so maybe we could put in yeah actually adr yes yes i think it would be that on the way back from maestro salt burn what what if there wasn't one on ken and salt burn dance great great i love that okay let's see see a little daniel brooks is daniel brooks where's daniel brooks daniel brooks is here

fantasia is here rich fantasia coleman domingo is here. Fantasia's here. Rich Fantasia. Coleman Domingo. All in the color purple. By the way, the color purple is also what happens to your butt when you take Ozempic. Let it run.

Half the room is cringing and the other half is like, I gotta get home and grab my selfie stick. Just going to be home after the globes. Man, he was lying. It's more of a magenta. Let it run. I love this year's nominated TV show. Stop it.

It's like... Yeah, you got to kind of like feel... i needed a break from movies i mean is anybody else sick of movies and tv and shit i mean we're gonna talk about tv now but i need a fucking break dude and you really brought me there and i'm going oh he's gonna talk about the color purple he's gonna talk about this movie again but then it really just became about a joke about the actual literal no it was good i thought it was good to acknowledge uh the few black actors in the room all sort of segregated from the rest of my monologue but then immediately transitioned into talking about a swollen asshole yeah yeah yes like a pussy swollen asshole that's colorful oh okay so that's what you were referring

to i thought you were just for some reason like lying because then you say that you're lying and that you want to you want people to go home and check and see if but they're lying but it was more of a magenta so it was actually and i also thought osepik just made you like not eat as much i didn't think it made you like i didn't know about that i think he may i think i i kept saying let it run because i thought he's like go home and google the side effects or something like that no no no no no look not all premise just said to go home and watch three movies oh yes you can't everyone who's there you probably like i should watch this before i came you can't everyone who's there you probably like i should watch this before i came you can't steal a premise if you make it up right okay that was the point i

was making it was like hey deniro scorsese watch the master i'm making up a premise right now premise like the color purple your butthole turns purple okay from not wanting to eat as much i don't know i don't know i don't know you know is it a side effect yeah medicine has side effects is it from wiping the way it was presented i get to you know within the context of your special which i'm enjoying thank you was that everyone knows about this one famous side effect right that your asshole turns purple oh it's more of a magenta but that's the thing but but that's eventually because the movie's not called the color magenta no but well then people would just be like oh i know exactly where he's going with this that's right but yeah um it feels like none of us knew that.

No one did. Yeah. And that's why it's funny. I mean, there's so much more. Yeah. Let's just let some run and we'll just do one quick recap. Yeah, let's let the whole thing run. Because obviously, it's really good, Joe. Thank you.

And congratulations again. We could even do it at 2x speed or perhaps, I don't know. Yeah, might want let the whole thing run. Because we obviously, it's really good, Joe. Thank you. And congratulations again. We could even do it at 2x speed or perhaps, I don't know. Yeah, might want to get it kind of cruising. Succession is coming to an end after four beautiful seasons. I loved it. I loved everything about it. The one thing that this show taught me is if you're a billionaire, pull out. None of them are going to be like you.

They're going to be a bad version of you just pull out that was the problem they weren't enough like him yeah that's what the show said you know another maybe some ADR is do not CGI right

do not CGI there's one thing I learned about secession. Do not CGI. Do you hear me say CGO? Oh. That's even better. Yeah. CGO.

CGO. CGOB. On butt? I think on back, but they're all good. Yeah. It's like whatever you want. Wait. CGO boobies wow yes come on but that's a that's a we have to do that that's a set ender

come but you you have another you have another three minutes yeah that move that that show did teach me uh i'm not a billionaire but it said you know pull out because your kids won't be enough like you yeah because that was the issue is that they just weren't they yeah bad they're not gonna be like you yeah yeah the system itself works but the kids were you got more it was like clapping like nine really just a great series about a rich white dysfunctional family all scheming oh no that's the crown that's the crown i'm sorry how great was amelda stanton in the crown wasn't she amazing the portrayal of the queen was so good prince harry called herford and asked her for money like i said i didn't write all these yeah i was wondering because it felt like you i was like i don't know this british shit yeah i felt like you um you would abandon the catchphrase

you thought about doing before of are you kidding me are you kidding and i thought well is there gonna be anything that ties this back to the beginning when i was really feeling it and um saying again that you didn't write all of these and now i can fill in the rest you only wrote the funny ones right that i'm loving right and we're training off of what we all know about prince harry which is that he is like always calling the queen and being like can i have some money i get yeah i didn't write that i don't even know what that shit's about yeah i think prince harry i just i already picture the phone in his hand yes hello mom yeah he's in one of those dumb red phone boxes spot the quid mom, mom. You know, he's doing the...

You could do that. I mean, I should have had you guys in the room, not these fucking losers. Yeah. Dumbass fucking duds. I mean, yeah. Parker will still get paid millions of dollars for doing absolutely nothing. And that's just by Netflix.

Ted. I have a deal, too. I have a deal too. I have a deal. Yeah, see. You guys are acting like only murderers are in the building. I can make that joke.

Five nominations tonight. You have a deal too. On that show, you don't know whose side to be on. That's how I feel about Daryl Hall and John Oates.

Which one is Oates? Is it the one with the thick hair? This was fun. This was good. Yeah. What? this was fun this was good this yeah does anyone know fuck you shit oh you motherfucker very disorienting yeah i've been waiting look i'll say this I've been waiting

look I'll say this I've been waiting 30 years to make that joke now's the time I wrote that one this is not okay with me I was like

where is he going who signed to be on yeah what yeah this motherfucker yeah i wrote that very strange very strange no it wasn't i hadn't been thinking about them at all yeah i mean a lot of people don't even know what i'm talking about no you don't even have to be in hollywood for that one no you have to be anywhere you don't have to do anything ever again that's right that's how i feel i mean just i sometimes you just have to say how you feel i needed that oh play it.

Speaking of blondes, Meryl Streep. Yeah, famous blonde. My mom's favorite right there. Meryl Streep is nominated for a Golden Globe tonight. What's he going to say? You can't go up to Meryl Streep. Tonight, in this show. Duh.

She's not coming to an award show unless you give her a nomination. She's got 34 nominations. This woman, there's nothing she can't do. This is the greatest of all time. That's the goat right there. It doesn't matter what she plays, she kills it. My mom loves you. Everybody loves you, Meryl.

You know my favorite line from you? Legendary. This one I hold in my heart. I say it all over. Like, every time. The way you said it, it just stuck with me. The way you said, Wakanda forever. It's really, do it again.

You better cross, cross, cross. Wakanda forever. Yes yes that's it speaking of wakanda forever here's some hints about our first presenter i'm gonna give you some hints you ready sorry why did you do that that wasn't scripted i i was just flying so high from the hollow notes thing that i just kind of ripped um i think in the moment i thought it was funny like i knew my mom would like this my mom loves her i just i wanted to end on a confusing note yeah well they got some crowd i love crowd participation what i love is because you do take these breaks and so like I'm at this special

and I go, I can't wait for him to come back out because I wonder if he's going to explain what I just was here for. Nope. And it's sort of-

Especially if I'm sitting somewhere where I can't see her. Uh-huh. It's an acknowledgement too. Like she came out and I appreciated it. She didn't have to be there. 36 nominations.

Mm-hmm. And you're thinking about someone who died as well. I mean, that's like something that's good. nominations uh and you're thinking about someone who died as well i mean that's like something that's good you know we're thinking of an actor who passed away when we talk about that yeah but it's better if a white lady does it sort of in a mocking fashion i thought that was that would be sort of a fun way to when your mom loves her my mom loves her. Her favorite. So yeah, that's the special and I can't wait for people to see it

when it comes out. Where did you even... I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know either, man. i don't know either man seek help no wait don't i want to keep being able to laugh uh of all the ones stay sick that you've that you've come on this show to to run through with us this was um this felt like the longest. Yeah. Weirdly, it's the shortest. For sure, even though I think it is actually.

And I think that means I'm growing. Right. As a performer. Yeah. As a writer. Yes, it's so much more substantive what you're doing because it really is hardier and it does feel like it takes forever to, I don't want to say endure. Certain types of soups that have like so much in them

that you like look down at the bowl and you're like I feel like I've been eating this for so long it's like a soup full of spinach yeah can I talk about my shit real quick bye Hollywood Hamburg that was a

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