Hollywood Handbook - The Sloppy Boys, Our Close Friends

Episode Date: January 23, 2024

The Boys talk to THE SLOPPY BOYS (MIKE HANFORD, TIM KALPAKIS, AND JEFFERSON DUTTON) about their process making music. Make sure to check out their Patreon and new album Sonic Ranch.Get a Hat Pack Hat here!Watch the video of today’s episode at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes. Like the show? Rate Hollywood Handbook 5-Stars on Apple PodcastsAdvertise on Hollywood Handbook via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast we're keeping it pretty dry is that the thing sorry sorry sorry haze is starting keeping what is that no no no you're keeping what dry yeah i got one i guess What dry? Yeah. I guess I'm wondering, too. The vibe is dry? Why? We didn't even get to start. You just took a sip. You heard a little bit of the song. I didn't hear anything.

Are we even recording now? We can. No, we can record. We can record. It's fine. The Sloppy Boys are here. My point is. Now, see, now, are we starting the show? that's what i don't know the show started the show is very dry as per hand yes well i don't know i come on this show i've been on it a few times and it's like

what is the vibe here what are we doing yeah every time or just this time all all the times i've been on the show and okay all right this might be my what do you want the vibe to be because i feel like so i don't want to be this i don't want it to be this this combative you know i'm asking what we're doing who's combative who's combative i'm asking a question i'm engaging we're trying to accommodate you you're getting back exactly what you gave to me if you don't want it to be combative then don't be combative because i i'm i'm but a mirror i don't think i was combative and i will say too uh what did you just say hey i'm just trying to i'm trying to accommodate you accommodate yes thank you and that just feels like therapy talk and we don't need to do that here this is just some guys hanging out the concept of accommodating you feels like therapy talk, and we don't need to do that here. This is just some guys hanging out. The concept of accommodating you feels like therapy?

The talk. It's just that therapy language. Mike's boundaries are that he needs to be accommodated. I just feel like I'm being talked down to. I don't even know if we've started the show yet. This feels to me like toxic masculinity. It's like, hey, I want you to be comfortable. None of this therapy talk.

I'm not here to get my head shrunk. i get enough of that out in the real world i just want to be here on the pod with the guys all right he lives in a whole building of therapists okay well and that's and that's very interesting to me am i allowed to ask more about that like you're the only non-therapist in the building i'd rather you didn't okay all right that's a boundary well just because i'm i've got this um this pitch with hulu it hasn't gone anywhere yet but it's only therapist in the building yeah we're trying to work on that yeah only non-therapist in the building i guess it's just tough to work on it when uh you know i got no great ideas uh-huh right that sucks when that happens you know what you should

watch honestly and i'm not saying to borrow from it and it's and i don't think it steps on your idea at all but you know what you should watch shrinking i know i know i got apple plus shrinking well yeah the shrink king okay can i just say something? All hail the Shrin King. Damn, I stan a Shrin King. I'm bogarting the mic and I apologize. I'm going to stop now so you can properly see this. Pass that shit. It's the Sloppy Boys.

What is up? Hey! What is up? I love that. What is up, my good pimp are there guys that rock harder sure what the fuck but they can't funny how do you find but they can't funny are there are there guys that funny harder gotta be i mean gotta be at least a couple.

I mean, not that many. Not a lot. But can they rock? Thank you. But can they rock? But they can't rock. Probably not. And they are on Patreon as well, and we're enjoying the fruits of that. The juice is running down our chin as we speak.

Yes. The seeds in our teeth. This is Patreon? St this is stuck in your are we behind a paywall it's all this one it's this will be available outside the patreon for a small patreon like fee okay okay so it is it's in front of the paywall it is a separate a different paywall yeah yeah people like that when they have to pay different fees well just uh it's like got to be available everywhere you know what i mean like you know movies are available for rental on these streaming services it's not just available on voodoo right right you may primarily watch it on voodoo right but someone else might watch it on and name another

one jefferson you haven't said anything to be pluto yeah well you wouldn't rent from pluto pluto's that's that's fast that's the whole model is that that you don't rent on it yeah okay well see really you're helping to like monetize we don't know we guys we should monetize our show that we were just talking do you have a patreon yeah but we have a lot of you didn't monetize your patreon yeah we should do that you didn't monetize it it's just a wall it's not a paywall that's the that's the the the snap of the skin of the fruit like yeah we have we have a patreon with no tears that's the crispy cracklins there's not one tear of with no tears that's the crispy cracklins there's not one tear of the fruit yeah that's the crispy cracklins

you didn't do do we have to do that now we gotta monetize we have to monetize your picture i don't feel comfortable moving forward without that because then this comes out and then it just like then it just runs through your to have been running a patreon for this long and then say now we need to monetize it all right i do want to cut this joking off right now because we do want to make clear the audience yes we have a patreon and yes you can pay paying us is the best way to get money to us okay so it's just that's doesn't want to know that doesn't i't want to know. I just don't want to cloud the issue here. Yes, you can pay us money.

$5, $10, $100 if you want. Yeah. Wow. If you want to be a pay pig. Oh, wow. Yeah, we got people paying and getting no perks. $100 a month. $100 a month.

We have three of them. We have three people. Tim, they get off on it, though. Yeah, they get off. Well, that's the perk. These sickos. Just the first of the month hits, and they nod. They don't though. Yeah, they get off. Well, that's the perk. These sickos. Just the first of the month hits, and they not. They don't know why.

Or they do know. They know. Knowing why is a big part of it for people. I got to pay rent, but I get that nut. Kevin, let's write this down. We should think about doing this. Okay. We should think about punishing our disgusting fans.

How many fans, how many Patreons, how many Patreons do you guys have? Patrons, I guess. How many Patreons? Yeah, on Patreon. Let's see. You don't have to discuss. Top of my head, back of the napkin math.

Oh, okay, I'vekin math. Oh, okay. I've got it. More than you. Fuck you. Oh, that sucks. Don't worry about me. Eyes on your own paper. I don't feel accommodated.

Don't worry about how many Patrons I got. Don't. Yes. Do not look up ours. Mind your business. And then definitely do not look up how many we had the month before. No. And then the month before that.'s not don't even start looking that's not a representative let alone look back of how it's going yeah we don't have a documentary though we need a documentary it's winter people need to like heat their homes by wood in the summertime when people are out on

their front lawns when the homes are hot listening to yeah exactly what do you do like you can sell the wood now you got like there's wood money we do have people that uh you guys probably deal with us people they sign up for the patreon they listen to the whole catalog and then first of the month comes, they bail on us a lot. 80 people every month. They're like, got to go. Yeah. Got to get out of here. Yeah, they chunk the deuce. They tell their boss, like, hey, I'm just going to be,

I'm not going to show up to work for a month. I have this project. I have to listen. And the boss is like, say no more. Let's do the whole sloppy boys catalog. Yeah, you paid $5, go for it. Yeah. You got to make that $5 count.

Get your Fiver worth. The Sloppy Boys are on a little bit of an album promotional tour, right? Yep. Sure. Talk about some of these songs and some of what inspires you, because I'm so curious about where the music comes from. It's outside of my experience. I do this.

I guess I record on a mic, but we're not making music. Talk about where some of that comes from. Definitely from the music we listen to. We'll listen to music and sort of think like, oh, maybe we could do something a little bit like that. That is how I would do it. I thought you were doing something different. That is what I would do.

Just change a few things. It all is basically the same. It's all the same chords and notes. Yeah. I mean, I'll take out my phone and I'll write down a guitar chord. We should have one of those in my song. Yeah, we should have. Bass drum.

Oh, is that an F? Yeah. Oh, an F. That sounds good. What's an F say? James Corden. What. Oh, is that an F? Yeah. Oh, an F. That sounds good. What's an F say? James Corden. What's it sound like? An F.

Whoa! You can probably write it right here. No, here, here, here, here. F. Because with a chord, it's at least two to three strings. It's multiple strings. What would you call that one? Hey, one thing I'll do to my teachers

is I go, hmm, U. And it's F U. They don't, you know, I can't get in trouble for that. Well, if you went to a music teacher. I was just saying, hmm, U. Juilliard. Yeah, come on.

What, there's something so wrong with that it's a perfect f this that to me this one that's the mommy that's what i'm feeling that one is the mommy am i correct about that the mommy note sorry of all the notes i wanted it sounds like the mommy to me if there was a i wanted it sounds like the mommy to me if there was a mommy note it would be middle c do you guys think this is middle c middle that sounds a lot like this is middle you say but hey is you think the f is the mommy yeah i guess that makes you a mother effer okay yeah come on we gotta be allowed now i'm starting to understand where the teachers are coming from because like ultimately it's like insanely rude doesn't pays i haven't seen you in a long time

you've got the long hair i like it you look cool yeah imagine me up there like on stage whipping it around come on oh my god no my gosh. No shirt, just skin-tight leather. Yes. Doing a big circle. I'm not headbanging up and down. Big circle around. Right, right, right. Like Will Smith's kid.

It takes a long time to do it around. They jump at the top of the circle, make it even bigger. People in the front row with their drinks, they're not, yeah, get this out of my drink. I'm soaking up the drink as I go. I'm absorbing it like a spong. Stitching his hair in his mouth and sucking the drink out of his own hair. Spitting it back into their cup.

This is real punk rock stuff. Jeff, when your hair was longer I remember you doing some like Head banging with long hair Flinging sweat into the crowd No Yeah I mean that's not the intention

It just happens fine It's a rock and roll show But sweat Like a good show like our Oakland show There's sweat flopping on people's faces They're just taking it But they like it That's part of the charm of the front row It's like seeing Shamu Like a good show like our Oakland show, there's sweat flopping on people's faces. They're just taking it. But they like it.

That's part of the charm of the front row. It's like seeing Shamu. You're in the splash zone. Think about that. I mean, if I was in the front row of Matchbox 20's show, I'd be like, yeah, I don't care how well I get. This is what I paid for. I'm here to get spritzed.

Can I hear middle C again? C. So F was. Middle C is. See, Tim is not mentioning. So you think middle C is mommy? I don't have perfect pitch, but I'm saying if there were a note you would call mommy, middle C is the middle of the piano.

And it's like the big, that's like the mama note. That's music 101. Mommy in the, so you're, you associate mommy with just being in the middle of the piano and it's like the big that's like the mama. That's music 101. Mommy in the, so you're you associate mommy with just being in the middle? Yeah, like my mom lives. My mom lives in the middle of my house. So I kind of think of her as the central figure in my

life. Your mom, mommy lives in one part of the house and it's in the very middle. Well, Tim lived in a circle house. Okay. So, alright, then what's f father okay i guess that kind of makes yeah the rest of them are just they begin with the other letters b is brother okay c is a much more literal relationship to it than oh right c's mommy again then i thought s is sister a is the team now tim you haven't mentioned your missing note you have a missing note somewhere in there oh yeah i something

happened either i have a node on my larynx or i talked too much ganja but listen to there's a very, a note that I use a lot in my vocal range that I've lost. And it's like, do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti, do, do. That one feels like it's lost. Yeah, if you're not a musician, that one is not a really clear note. And a lot of our songs are like, two, three, four, do. Oh, man. Good luck ever becoming Homer Simpson. Best of luck with your next job application for Homer Simpson.

Yeah, I've been waiting on Dan Castellaneta to step down, and then they just look at it. He is stepping down. They go to LinkedIn and they look at profiles. He is stepping down. Hollywood handbook be a better you in 2024 with babble the science-backed language learning app that actually works don't pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors or waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language and

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The promise is the meal makes us sleepy. You've been pushing that so much. You're saying that you will be added on to your bed. Yeah. Your bed plus one. That's the opposite of what this is supposed to do. It's supposed to help you stay fueled up and feel good all day long. A lot of these, I know, give you a ton of energy.

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delicious head to factor meals.com slash the boys 50 and use code the boys 50 to get 50 off that's code the boys 50 at factor meals.com slash the boys 50 to get 50 off hollywood handbook what's another one what's another note let's go through the notes because we we do have a little bit of time to fill out the show today and we've only talked about a few of the notes i know that they all have i mean because they all have their own little like personalities right i have a like uh i have a little and and you know is it worth it is it not worth it i don't know but we're here um as tim was uh telling that um story about his voice problems and inspired uh quick johnny carson impression for me and uh here it

sounds very good i uh i did not know that I did not know to that. Johnny was king of late night at the time. Yeah, he was king of late night. When he was doing it, I thought he was one of the best. One of the big, I thought it was him and Corden were neck and neck in my mind. What's Corden up to now? Did he retire? I think he's still at Balthazar.

Just waiting on that. Yeah, where'd they land on that is he back in or not back in back in balthazar is he allowed back in uh i think they did work it out yes yeah they kept it offline yeah it's nice but you're in new york i mean like you you don't follow this stuff? I walked past, well, there's so much stuff going on, I can't follow all of it. I walked past Balthazar the other day. I can't remember what neighborhood I was in, but I was like, oh, that's the...

They pulled up lines, they put a freaking gone fishing sign on the door. When Hanford walks by. They don't want them to know that they're open. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't make food in here. You just missed the food. You just missed it.

Corden was just here. He was so nice to everyone and he ate it all up. What's this one? What's that? Which one's that? It sounds like a punk. Which one is it? I go hungry.

I'm going hungry. That's the Alice in Chains note. Which one is that? That's probably D. Every band has their own signature note. Well, I'm going hungry is Temple of the Dog. No, I know, but they got a lot of their influence from Alice in Chains. That's the Alice in Chains. They use the Alice in Chains. Yeah. That's the Alice in Chains.

They use the Alice in Chains. Really? So it's a guy from Soundgarden. It was a guy from... Temple of the Dog. Yeah. They were a combination band. And they were inspired by Alice in Chains?

Yeah. That's what I'm to understand. Well, I'm not a music historian. This is why we wanted you on the show. No, no. Sean, either or my. Either or my. Who are your...

I'm not an artist. Either what's your what's your family tree me yeah let's let's trace the i got the bo hanford mom dad started we did this last time and yours both start with d hey yeah yeah mom and dad chicken dick yeah yeah but like who like who are we were drawing influence from whoever um who's an inspiration to for you um liza manelli was certainly big for me and uh okay yeah as my mother and my father uh bateman jason bateman so i get a lot of the acting bugs so there's the comedy and the inspiring yeah okay that's right can I tell a Jason Bateman

anecdote? yeah that would be amazing that's the best we can do because David Cross has a show here now and of course he's like hitting the Bateman button like you know we're trying to get this thing off the ground you know the take off takes like the most energy once you're up there it kind of flies itself but like we're trying to watch this thing so bateman was in here i think he sat in that yeah very cherry i can still

feel nice i can still feel the energy the smartless buzz yes oh yeah no this chair is still vibrating it was it was really cool just knowing like oh i'm in the presence of podcast royalties yeah right wise yeah and uh obviously there have been big stars in here before you know um the women's soccer team right me and ham yeah not i don't think i don't think so yeah oh i don't think so yeah john ham no i don't think he was as necessarily you get those two around you know if i if i walk into a party i see those two i say well now i'm starting to get a little hungry a little hungry yeah yeah i'll go hungry yeah yeah john ham bringing richard cheese and now i'm halfway

to a sandwich you know what i mean so yeah abatement story would be incredible because we are never ever ever ever going to get him on the show tim is this is this uh anecdote gonna be less than 40 minutes because i see we got about 20 minutes in so far uh this is gonna be and this runs for an hour it's gonna be 23 seconds uh you know it was whatever we feel i i call it right now. I'm good here. I'm good here. Yeah. Before the anecdote. Maybe we do the story and then just pop out. Let's do the anecdote and then we'll check back in on whether we're going to keep the show going.

Yeah, it's just so the listener knows it's Saturday. Saturday morning, no less. Cartoon time. Tim, what do you got? Is this a birthday party where we're like um i mean i jumped out of a cake is this one of your no i heard well this is more of like a sean hayes anecdote i guess but he uh i guess sean hayes was like some kids birthday sean hayes have you talked about that that's that that's new for us yeah so so what would we say just uh i guess that's what we've been struggling with yeah

it's it's it's a lot of something there it's so sure around it and you don't want to use it and have it not be worth the sweet the juice not we can only do it once so i'm just scheduling this out real quick so we're going to talk about the sean hayes thing for a second and then we're going to go to tim's tim's tim's baby anecdote is locked and loaded unless it overlaps with the sean hayes thing hayes seems to think it's the same i like it my anecdote to be like in like the the 10 to 1 slot like it's kind of alt yeah yeah that one's that that's like for the writers yeah right you know it's for the comics comic the audience is like what the f this is weird but half of them fell asleep anyway okay or they're fucking places for the llama comic the audience is like what the f this is weird but half of them fell asleep anyway

okay or they're fucking places places for the llama sketch the writers like yes check this out it eats shit uh okay yeah the one i sean hayes is like a birthday party he's like trying to get a phone from like being at a kid's birthday party. Oh, the commercial, yeah. Yeah, and Bateman is following him there. They did end up filming it for a commercial. Yes.

I guess Bateman didn't know where he was, and he finds him at the birthday party, and he's like, you okay, buddy? Like that type of voice. Yeah. Guns hot. But that's not what it was? Nope. Okay.

All right. What is it? You sure about that? This is more than 10 years ago. I was a production assistant at Gracie Films working for James L. Brooks. They were making a movie called How Do You Know, which was a huge giant flop of a film. But because it's james o brooks gracie films yes yes yes um that was my job at gracie was to shush everybody

at the end of every episode i just had a reception um the first couple times you're so nervous and you go like sit it's a little so sit stuber sit sorry let me take it again you you stuber sit stuber sit that's what it would be now no that's what they did it now. No, that's what- Did they get it now? No, they did it now. That was before Stuber. How does it feel, Tim, to be in a room with those guys? Jeff and I are on Zoom. It feels-

It's cool. I feel kind of like I'm the main guy, which is fun. Yeah, it was cool in there. I'm here. And then also, you mentioned Stuber. I used to live right next to Kumail, so I was close to him, too. So I'm sort of the sloppy boy who has proximity to the people we're talking about.

Do you not consider yourself, who do you consider the main guy in the band, like in the group? That's interesting. Because now you're like adapting to being the main guy. I would say in the band, Mike's the main guy, and I think Mike's the funniest. Everyone likes him.

But on our podcast, I talk the whole time. Okay. I've been trying to talk 33% of the time, but i would say i've never gone under 50 got it i feel like i'm hearing maybe kevin kevin are you on the mic uh yeah can you hear me mike yeah okay so okay 10 10 years ago right um so uh celebrities typically don't have to audition. Sorry, I have a story for when Tim's done. Oh, okay. Who is that?

It's about Jason Bayman. What's the timing on that? What's the timing on that? Because we could bump my story. Yeah, we could bump it. On SNL, the bump. He wants the 10 to 1. Sometimes the digital short gets bumped because.

But then it just goes up online and you go, they cut this? Cut sketches are like its own cool thing. Oh, yeah. Well, it's like it was too edgy maybe sometimes but i'm interested in the fact that when kevin was non-verbal he just sort of did a big breath and hanford went is that kevin on the mic and then kevin talked later and said he had a story seconds later and mike went who is that talking now? Well, I don't see him. I don't see him on the, I want to see, he's got his thing on the Zoom blacked out. He's wearing a bowling shirt.

He's wearing a Charlie from Two and a Half Men bowling shirt. And he's. Looks like freaking Chris Isaac. Mike, I'm flesh against the webcam, so you can't see me. I'm against the wall. Okay. Yeah. He's'm against the wall. Yeah. He's pressed against the wall. They're both accurate.

Both flesh or flushes. I'm flesh against the wall, Mike. What was I was going to tell you guys an anecdote about? No, Tim was going to talk about Jason Bateman. Tim, yes. I thought you were going to say you were talking about Jay-Z. We're scheduling that now. Yes, let's figure that out.

Tim was maybe hoping to wait until the kids are in bed before he does this. You know what I mean? See, it's an after hours type of thing. Yeah, so we could get second musical performances taking place. We could get Kevin's off. But what kind of – is this a Bateman anecdote? It could be yes i was just thinking we could help the sloppy boys make a new documentary that's not a new one

what are you talking he's mentioned the documentary twice i just told me about the old one we're trying to plug it yeah i didn't see the old one yet well you guys sloppy boys did a documentary and i was thinking we could help them. Is it a mockumentary? No, doc. No, sincere. What if we help them make a mockumentary? Spinal tap stylies. That's your story?

Is it like a Harmontown type? Ooh. It's not an anecdote. This isn't an anecdote. No, it's not an anecdote. What are you asking for? It's a brainstorm. What's the Bateman version of this? You came in and pitched a whole new area where he's trying to... Should It's a brainstorm. What's the Bateman version of this?

You came in and pitched a whole new area where he's trying to... Should we have a mockumentary? We all floppy hair like Jason Bateman? Is there a song about the documentary? So this should have been scheduled for after the anecdote or not even brought up around the anecdote. He did say after, but... I know, but then he can just continue to talk. This should be just like a little pod buster.

Like, you know, you see the stage and Lauren is out there pointing around, but it's not its own segment. It's just a commercial break. Who paid for the documentary? Kevin, apparently. He's talking about it so damn much. You guys, somebody wanted to make it? The taxpayer.

You think they made it against their will? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes i suspect they did uh we're like we're in demand and people love us and there's a market for us in the uh media landscape yeah yeah didn't you go to Marfo or something? Yeah. And that's what it's about? Torneo, yeah. Yeah, but kind of.

Yeah. Okay. It's very fun. Probably say Marfo. Yeah. A little more juice there now, then. They still have that Gucci store in Marfo, you know, the one that's way out in the middle of nowhere.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. You wouldn't know. You should act like you know in the middle of nowhere? Oh, yeah. Yeah. You wouldn't know. You should act like you know. Should we? I had a sketch idea. Okay. Oh, that's fucking sick.

Mighty Marfa Power Rangers. Yeah. This could be a documentary. Yeah. Or... Big hat. Say Power Rangers, but they have a big flat hat.

Mm-hmm. I'm sorry. I know the whole thing on this show is like you're kind of mean to Kevin or whatever, but Kevin, if you're going to talk, be on a microphone because it just sounds like

mumbling something off camera. Well, he's pressing against the wall. I'm flush against the wall, Mike. I said the Mighty Morphin should be in the documentary. And Smartless did one. Smartless did a whole series.

They did one as well. They had a whole show grayscale they got grayscale it was there was no the the images were beautiful it's amazing because i experienced them on their podcast it's audio so then the movie you're saying it really took advantage of the new medium for them yes the uh visual piece of it uh really added new dimension to the smartless experience i had the same thought because i was so used to listening and i and i found that when i was watching it, I couldn't hear a thing.

Can you speak up? I couldn't hear anything. Yeah. You couldn't hear anything? When I was watching it. Oh, you couldn't hear anything. Because I was so used to. Because the visuals are so powerful.

Yes. It's like a sensory overload where like only sense is working overtime one function could work at a time that's david cross's new podcast he's yes that's why bayman was in this chair right he had bob on too i've met david yeah i don't you don't have to just give me bob in order to know who david is i know david is it weird then that like we were talking that you didn't offer up any anecdotes about him it's a close friend of mine i would never uh spill the uh okay have you had bob on sloppy boys no we haven't no but i'll tell you what bob drinks we have good guests if they have a signature drink

okay you know like gabrus did long island iced tea or something so it makes what have you oh okay i guess that's gabrus's drink now news to me he has a long island tattoo on his arm so we figured that should go to him yeah i think he lived there at one point it's not just the tattoo but bob if you go to a bar with bob he says gin and tonic light on the gin oh you ever it's bartenders love that they're never told to go light on the gin they love that they're so tired from the heavy gin alcohol is heavier than other liquids. Because it's the tonics and then the gun. Tonics and the bottle. They all get gin elbow from the fucking having to hold the gin the whole time.

Just the fact that you're considering their precious tendons. No, that bartenders go fucking ape shit for that. Who else has David had on? Joe Firestone. Okay.stone okay we've had her there might be a one-way crossover in the works he just had gene groblo one way meaning he he he only does our show yeah yeah you guys yeah we're not allowed anywhere near the building when he's doing his show. Okay, go ahead. Bateman story.

So I'm working in reception. Ten years ago. I'm in reception while we're auditioning people to be in this film. And you guys are industry guys, so you know. We didn't know what we had, did we? No. You know what I mean? No, you look at the industry now and they would never even just the idea of like auditioning someone to be in i mean it's like that doesn't happen anymore but in a

way now they literally just open tiktok and whoever they see they go that's the movie now yeah and you go out yeah where's the audition and like they're like we don't we aren't even doing those it sucks we don't have that we had no idea how good it was yeah at the time we're like annoying these movies we had no idea it was so precious and we squandered it and now I look back and it's a fucking wasteland out there now you know the three most popular movie stars in the past year who have come out in movies now that we don't audition anymore who the three most popular and the names will be familiar chalamet the rock chalamet no it's not even that it's like not not even like that. That would be a relief to me.

What the only actor on there is Harrison Ford from Shrinking. Yeah, he's he's on it. And then the other two are spin doctors and Spongebob. Yeah, Spongebob. I don't know Spongebob. Well, you you're alone there third most popular movie star in the industry today currently because they just don't make they just don't audition anymore there's no actors anymore sponge man sponge pan is his full name i don't know if you sponge man sponge is his full name. I don't know. Spongebob. Spongebob. Right, right, right, right.

He, I don't, yeah, I know him. But you were talking, you were saying they used to audition. No, it just got me off on this rant here because. Well, because the media landscape changed. But back in those days, you auditioned people, but you didn't have a big celebrity wouldn't audition. They would be offer only. But if it's a huge famous director like James L. Brooks, he had the power to be like hey a-list celeb you got to come in and audition for me so i

couch it you couch it as a chemistry test and they'll do anything right celebrity yeah but then you have to have test tubes and beakers and stuff all set up so they believe you can get those i mean if you're working on a holly lot, you can get that stuff from props. They have that stuff all over the place. That's true, the prop department. Especially if you're at Universal with all the monster movies they used to make. They've got old test tubes.

Yeah, you can do that. Just about anywhere you look. The actors are easy to trick. Okay, best lot. Let's do this. I wanted to do this anyway. Rank best lot for finding test tubes. Universal's my number one.

I say, of course, Universal. And then it gets a little like, where do you go from there? Then they're all tied at two for me. Yeah. So, Tim, you were saying you were auditioning. You were waiting for an audition with Peyton. I was working reception. All these different celebs would be coming to

audition for this role. What was the role? It eventually went to Paul Rudd like the sweet guy okay paul roll they should call him i bet he doesn't audition much anymore how do you know the movie yeah it wasn't called things you know just by looking at her i wish i would give anything to be a pa on that so they're always a list 10 things I know about how. What about this for a movie?

How about just the way the way the light attaches to a girl and it's a Adam Durowitz. Adam Durowitz. Conan Crows. He's in it. The way the light attaches to girls. Sure. Sure. And it begins. And it begins. We open on

everything. Go ahead, Tim. It was my job to make sure these celebrities didn't see each other because that would be very rude for an a-list celebrity to see normal actors you let them sit in in the holding area all together but you can't i know when i come into work and if there's other writers around i have the pa's get writers away from me so i can get to my office and right because you're like well well, I mean, if Brooks Allison saw you in the office, he'd be like, but we're both writers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How'd they hire both of us?

And I'll write stuff during the day that won't get on and say, well, I guess we're not doing a show today. Okay, and I go home. I've got Tobey Maguire walking in. Tobey MacGyver almost. Almost. Almost. Tobey MacGruber.

Yeah. right. That's even funnier. He's even funnier than MacGyver. We're talking about that. The 10 to one spot for SNL. They should do that. It's a parody of MacGruber. Toby MacGruber.

It's like, hey, everyone, you know, MacGruber, that thing. Hey, wait a second. everyone you know mcgruber that thing hey wait a second uh toby mcguy um spider-man who and the spider house rules as well yeah i'm doing refills i'm doing refills does anyone need a refill i'm good of what you name it it's so difficult because you want anything i don't want anything but we had a a really good flow going here. We finally felt like we were doing a Shire of Rules thing. Two people who you certainly can't get

liquid to. I feel like you're at my throat tonight. Well, I'll tell you this. It's daytime. This is why I'm so uncomfortable. It's a Saturday daytime. And I've been trying so much to sort of push down the rage I feel feel you wanted to

do an adam durrett's thing and then i said anna begins and i feel like you didn't react at all do you know i didn't know what that meant i didn't i didn't know that i know what that meant oh it's one of his tunes every time she sneezes i believe it's love i mean isn't that beautiful yeah i like that you know it's these little moments that we share it's he really no he can capture these foibles yeah these most human elements of us yeah these most flawed these foibles the sneeze you know this the big sneeze that a woman does right has he ever looked someone you didn't love would be a huge would be a complete boner killer to see a sneeze you know what i mean when it's someone you care about

right was that jennifer aniston was he singing about her yeah aniston begins you know i think she had a nose job so maybe i know that's why I'm thinking maybe that's the big secret you're saying that she sneezed the tip of her nose off it shot off no I'm saying that maybe she sneezed so hard that it was a medical emergency that required a nose job it was not a

and yes it happened over the summer an elective but she was great on Friends. I loved her on Friends. She had the Rachel do. One of her best roles. I like her other stuff. Who else came in? Jason Schwartzman. And he biffed it.

On the rebound. Not on the rebound, but coming back, Jason Schwartzman. He's been in some stuff. I like to see that. We love him. But I would say- Not for this. Not for this movie.

Here are your audition sides. Now, here, go sit in this little room over here so that the next guy doesn't see. I had to keep all these people separate. Then one day, guess who walks in? Da Bateman. Right. This was a Jason Bateman story. We should have jumped on that.

Jason Batman. He walks in. I say, hey, Jason. Jason Batman. Here's the script. say, hey, Jason. Jason Batman. Here's the script. Let me lead you to this little room. I go. Better say Jason than Mr. Bateman.

Sounds like, almost sounds like masturbate, man. Yeah. Again. He, all the time when people talk to him, he's always like, did you say masturbate, man? Did you say masturbate, man? He has to say that so much because his voice is so raspy yeah i did but not to you yeah i well uh you know because sometimes people be asking like hey what should i do after i watch a porno masturbate man yeah afterwards and it's after you're finished watching it you watch the entire porno after

when the credit when the final credit rolls and you're ready that's a fucking song man that's a song for y'alls you you have a rick rubin vibe you might not be a musician but you know what makes no i just like to be around creatives and kind of foster the right energy and i have a similar flaw like when we start a podcast i'm like we should try to finish that podcast in the same day because it's very hard to re-access that same creative space that you were in you know yeah you're like play me some reference i don't get back into that yeah voice but we try to finish and this one obviously has been we've been recording over

the course of multiple weeks but in general when it's not when schedules permit i try to finish it. This one obviously has been, we've been recording over the course of multiple weeks, but in general, when it's not, when schedules permit, I try to do it all at once. Bateman rolls in. I say, Mr. Bateman,

I say, Jason Bateman, um, here's your script. Yeah. Um, and here's a little room to go sit in. He's like,

thanks. He takes the script and it's just like a little office. He sits on the couch and he's looking at his sides. What was he, what was he, um um pushing around town at that time is that a car what kind of wheels we got this is i was you joe you got to talk to the the valet at the madison gate of the sony lot i was up in the building you weren't writing the the the drive on yeah but i would just know his name and i would say like masturbate man okay uh let this jerk off guy on the lot if you see him okay uh but no i didn't know that you're kidding i one time

saw uh uh he's kidding guys i i was certainly it's a comedy podcast and i thought i'd give the listeners a laugh so that's why he was joking around like that. But go ahead. You one time saw. That was a tangent. I put Bateman in the little room and typically I would go to. Well, who'd you see?

Steven Spielberg. You just saw him? He was a Rolls Royce. What a whopper. He was driving a Rolls Royce. Wow. Wow. No, sorry. He was driving? Bentley. He was a Rolls Royce he was driving driving a Rolls Royce wow wow no

sorry he was driving Bentley he was a Bentley Bentley and he was driving it yeah himself

in the front seat yep Kevin it sounds like what Tim do you have any more of your story left well Bayman got put in a little room last I heard

if he doesn't get out of there I'm gonna get scared I'm just thinking Kevin if Kevin, this might be a nice time for you. I'm done. I'm never going to talk again. Okay. I would typically, after putting someone in a little room, go over to James L. Brooks' assistant and say, you know, Jason Bateman's in that little room and he's ready to audition when you're ready for him.

You got to use the L when you just talk to him. Hold this L. You have to always use the L. Hold this L. That's. Hold this. Yeah. That's what he says. Yeah. What? Yeah. You say James L.

Brooks. Every time you refer to him, when you're just hanging with him, you got to use the L. There was another guy in the office named James Brooks. Oh, okay. Yeah. Is he the L?

You know, that song that's like, we get it out tonight. And there's that part where he's like, yo, L. Yo, L.

What up? Is that who he's talking to? I hit say word. Yeah, he's talking to James L. Brooks. James L. Brooks. At the end of the song, it goes back. Then 65-year-old James L. Brooks.

I put so Tim in the room. How many rooms are you juggling, by the way? Like when you bring him down, you're like, hey, Bateman, here's your little room. Don't look in any of these

other little rooms. I try not to. You forget here's your little room. Don't look in any of these other little rooms. I try not to. You forget who's in which room. It's like a crazy. Oh, it's kind of like a, it's almost like a. That's probably how we develop a signature curiosity. That's why they did the show. They don't need to do, they're famous actors.

They don't need to do a podcast. They're curious guys. What's in that room? Jason Schwartzman. Yeah, Brie Larson. I'll tell you, you get Brie Larson and Jon Hamm in the same room. I'm halfway to be getting a fucking sandwich. Right.

Is that it? I mean, now I am wondering. Now what happened? I put him in the room and i was about to go tell jim brooks you can call him jim okay yeah yeah for the canyon jim what's that about he lives in uh benedict canyon oh all right that helps distinguish him even more i mean now we all these, there's the L there's the, there's the Canyon. Now I can listen to the rest of the story. I was about to tell Jim's assistant,

uh, the J uh, Bateman was in the little room, but a different person said, Hey Tim, can you go on a run for me? Bring this to the accountant's Jim's accounts office in century city. So I leave the office from where,

uh, from, from Culver city to century city damn i i go and i i'm getting the ick i specifically didn't want to give you the ick i uh i i do all the stuff with the accountant i come back sorry it's been a whole process like last time he got the ick it's like oh really yeah so it's really hard to you're trying to make it through a whole process. Like last time he got the ick. Oh, really? Yeah. It's really hard to... You're trying to make it through a whole episode just without getting it. It's really hard to get it out.

I keep getting the ick. It's PT. It's like weeks of PT. So you left the whole lot and he was in the room? He was just stuck in the room. Nobody knows he's in there. And it's little. It was just stuck in the room. Nobody knows he's in there. And it's little. It's like a, just like a.

Yep. Did you get an update on like the B side of it? Like how long before he walked out? I am full on picturing like custodian's closet. Is this at all? You have an imaginative mind. Mop bucket. I mean, God, just to.

One foot in each bucket. Right, right, right right sloshing around inside the sudsy water fucking like fucking turning on the light like just fucking like pulling like a string in the one light bulb goes right he thinks bug flies around the bulb no flap flap bitch yeah i thought i was more alice than this he might think to himself. Go ahead, Tim. He thinks the tendrils of the mop are the lady he's doing his scene partner. Right, right, right, right. No.

That didn't happen. He starts to think they have a little bit of a chemistry. Tell me. Chemistry, yeah, yeah, yeah. They needed chemistry with whom? Whom was the Paramore? Reese Witherspoon.

Reese with her spoon. And she's there too? She's in with Jim and I'm bringing these guys in one at a time. They're kind of coming up. Well, you're not bringing them in. In the case of Bateman, you are straight up not doing it. I come back from the couch. You're going to them in. This is like the whole thing. You are straight up not doing it. I come back from the couch.

You're going to a different town. Yeah. Hey, who opened up all this ice cream? Who opened up all this ice cream and how are they going to eat it? Is how probably you would talk about her. Reese with her spoon. Mike, you joke, but while I worked there, they came out with a Simpsons ice cream and it was Homer,

Ben and Jerry's beer and donuts ice cream. That's Homer, Ben and Jerry's beer and donuts ice cream. That's Homer Jerry's beer and donuts ice cream. Ben and Jerry's Homer's beer and ice cream. I'm just saying you're joking about ice cream but that literally happened while I was working there. You think it's a joke but this is his actual

life experience. I don't mean to joke around. There's nothing funny about it when it was Homer beer and donuts, Jim and Brooks and ice cream. Jim and Pam ice cream. Yo, L, what up? I hit plus dome. Plus dome. No one says

that anymore. Plus dome. We didn't know what we had. How was date night with the wife? Pretty good. We went to a movie. Plus dome. I'm sorry. You saw they reopened the dome? no no no no on the ride home and at home i got a blow job for my wife my wife sucketh sucketh thou remember it yes yes my lady got i hate that when guys are always saying that to women yeah what you see these

you see these little simp dudes with girls out on the street you know on like a date and they'll put their coat down over some mud puddle of mud or something when you say you're joking but that's his actual like lived experience so they made an ice cream out of it right homer simpson yeah yeah it's mud is coated mud. And obviously it's chocolate and fudge and that type of stuff. Coated. Pieces of coat. Pieces of edible coat. Coated coat. So you are now in a totally different city.

And then upon my return, it's sort of a tale of two cities in a way. It was the... One of the best. It was the Brooks of the best it was the Brooks of times it was the Jerry Maguire of times we also produced Jerry Maguire at Gracie Films before my time

I loved him in Seabiscuit I know he did Spider-Man but yeah Jerry Maguire Jerry Maguire was amazing in Seabass. He was. Yeah. He stole the movie.

I come back in and the PA supervisor says, Tim, can I talk to you? There's a decaying skeleton in the little room. He's got floppy hair. It was. I got yelled at and I was very embarrassed. He sat there by himself in a little room for what was, they said 45 minutes to an hour. Yeah.

And then he came out kind of sad and mad. And that was a whole thing. I wasn't there for it to be like, Oh, the PA, he put you in there, but he didn't tell you. We're so sorry.

And then he, and he sees the other people around and the whole fucking thing is, and Jason Bateman was lonely in the room. I bet he was. Not unlike Brie Larson yeah yeah nice about it dang so did you ever did you get reprimanded for it was just hey don't yell that i got reamed james yell real reamed reamed actually i missed that part so why is it why is his whereabouts why is that fall that to you the pa i wonder because the casting that that would have been a good question for james that's the sole the sole responsibility comes down to tim

kalpakas yeah you got you got shoes jimmy they're very for walking honestly these days you amble over like uh my friend i mean brooks is the bedley he's amblin you know i saw steven spielberg oh you did oh that's so crazy from amblin oh wow you know i i gotta say it's so nice having the sloppy boys here et never really did phone home i think i'm on a lag here with you guys sorry et never got on the phone actually but you i think you were about to say something uh somebody was saying something i see i just i see how you end up cresting 33 on those episodes the guy's got a million stories he's got a lot of stories within stories because he remembers them i do things i don't remember

anything right i hate to cut off but good i promised mike i would never talk again but this hard drive is gonna run out of storage in 90 seconds so just giving everyone a heads up great real quick i just make it count i just want to cover when do we get those hats i really like those hats you guys got oh we'd love to see you in one of those hats. Yeah, send one out. Great stage hat. Yeah, that is a... Because of the mish in the back.

There's plenty of room for all the little droplets and air to come out. Yeah, sorry it took me 50 minutes in to ask about the hat. I meant to do that right at the top. No, it's great. It's great because we're about to run out of time anyway yeah that's what i'm saying yeah duds you want one too yeah man awesome you can all have he didn't ask the url sorry we have to draw a line somewhere duds nice guy he didn't ask it just feels like he has to say yes i don't sound so excited you bullied him into it hampered like came in on a mission he wants the hat that's all i

wanted yeah yeah i don't need a hat. I have a stack in my car and nobody's even talked to Tim. I don't want those in the car. Those brims are going to be melted. I want mine that's been kept in a box in a climate control area. Is it these wax brim or sugar brim hats? What's going on?

Kevin, send it with dry ice. Sugar brim. No, water would melt sugar, not sitting in the car. Six, five, four. Thanks. Bye. Bye, folks. Check out the Hollywood Handbook.

That was a Hate Gum podcast.