Hollywood Handbook - Will Hines, Our Possible Halftime Show Friend

Episode Date: February 20, 2024

The Boys audition WILL HINES to perform at next year’s Super Bowl Halftime show. Get a Hat Pack Hat here!Watch the video of today’s episode at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes. Like the show? Rate Hollywood Handbook 5-Stars on Apple PodcastsAdvertise on Hollywood Handbook via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast we turn the the lights off yeah do we want to have them i mean just because because it's like so late outside is it weird to have the lights be like well to just do the show like it's normal. It's just going to absolutely fizz-nuck my body clock. I have an issue where this level of sunlight, I understand it's artificial, but for me it is interpreted as sunlight physiologically,

is going to make me feel like I'm very awake. And when I leave this room into the abject darkness the true black that exists outside these doors night country as true detective would say um i i will not be able to adjust and I may just pass out at the parking lot. I won't know whether I have or not. It'll take me so long to adjust my, I mean, you know, you can hear when I walked in here, my pupils kind of enlarging, like they, like, you know, they, it's like they're, they're taking very loud breaths your pubic or smallening smallening my pubic bone is like yeah it's not what it used to be

no it's no they deteriorate especially i mean at a certain age they begin to and don't believe what the supplements tell you it's going to happen because i've tried them all and i've injected them everywhere um but it just doesn't matter like your body's going to give way and i i think i could be up for three days after this or like i said i could just immediately shut down and um and just power down in the parking lot and that would be it for me i would be picked over by the vultures of silver lake and uh it's been nice knowing you if that's the case kevin what was the thinking you wanted to do so this show comes out in an hour and you wanted to record it at the last possible second and you wanted to

only ask people who couldn't do it last week yeah and then uh on day three of a holiday uh three day weekend um you wanted to do it at night which no offense severely limits the pool of people who would even be available and willing to do it untaken um but the experience for the listener of listening as they start the show i'm going p so they know like as soon because this is going right up. As soon as this is done, this is going right up. No, the immediacy of it is beautiful and irreplaceable, and I expect it to be actually an outstanding episode,

and if that's, you know, by design, I applaud you. I have a feeling that we fell bass-ackwards into it through more of Kevin's bumbling. Into Monsieur Webb's great connected plan. Senor Webb. Senor Webbislaus, right?

I mean, am I wrong? It is. Coming to Haggum at night, it is scary for sure. Expected it to be scary. It was very scary. Not as scary as it is during coming to hagumon night it is scary for sure expected it to be scary it was very scary not as scary as it is during the day well there's always people here during the day yes and at least there's a reason why there's no work happening right now yeah when i walk in there i'm like okay there's no work happening here that's understandable it's very late at night yes there there shouldn't be work happening here uh at this time when we are here normally there should be a lot more work and there are people here who could do the work

i think some of them introduced themselves to me once the reason i think we should do late night recordings i've been studying nocturnal secretions the blood flows south at night and maybe people will be interested psychologically and the show's not erotic enough for you not yet okay so it'll increase the eroticism and to that end we have a guest we We have Will Hines. So, Bill, it's always a pleasure to see you. Thanks so much. It's, yeah, it's Will normally, but you can call me whatever you'd like.

Will normally. Thanks, yeah. Will normally. I thought it was Bill Hines, but it's Will normally. It's Will normally. It's a pretty funny-ass comedy name most years. Will Normally. Because a lot of your behavior on stage is far from normally. It's actually abnormally.

I guess so, yeah. Some of the thoughts you have and everything. And people say, where's the ab, you say, right here. Da-dum, da-dum, da-dum. Yeah. Thunk, thunk, thunk. Pull up the tank. Yeah, I do a lot of- ab is yeah puns are puns are pretty fun yeah i know i know you you you've proven that time and time again and uh we're just we're

thrilled to be sitting down with you especially because we have a pretty massive opportunity potentially for all three of us certainly for hayes and i yeah we have a pretty massive opportunity, potentially for all three of us, certainly for Hayes and I. We have like a big, big, big job in front of us. Can I just address one thing that was said before I was introduced? And I'm not sure it's... Did you say headrest one thing? Maybe I did. What I meant to say was, is it okay if I ask one thing?

About something that happened already? Yes. Not what we're doing now no but something that you've gone past that you talked about before i was introduced you want to go back yeah even though it's done you you understand that it's done that it's done and it's a closed issue and i want to reopen that's why you're asking that's why i'm getting right because yeah because there's a world certainly where we say, hey, the whole idea of this show is we're constantly pressing forward. Constantly moving forward, yeah.

And if you were just about to say something on the topic that was already being discussed, you would just jump in with it. You wouldn't have to ask. I don't have to ask. There'd be no reason to bring it up. It is something of a headrest. I mean, I think that was maybe either me mishearing or you misspeaking, but it is a way to stop down and just lose the momentum.

I am asking permission to hard stop the momentum of the show and address something that's so far past it's almost silly because the show was kind of just getting cooking for me it was just i could feel it it was getting hot are the other like are the other listeners then going to get to do because we you know well normally here is effectively a listener right for the first part yes at that point he's the audience proxy or is every one of them gonna because they all have pitches notes they like stuff they want to do you can feel it yeah yeah um i guess i don't have to you You know what? Let's do this. Let's do it.

Let's go back. Okay. But not right now. Okay. Yeah. And I don't have to. That's why I asked you guys. It's your party.

Jesus. I don't know if I'm going to be able to focus. I'm wondering what you want to go back to. I'd love to say it, but I mean. Do it fast. Do it fast. No, no, no, no, no, no. Just go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, do it fast. No, no, no, no, no, no. Just go, go, go, go, go, go, go. How far down on the list was I to be asked to do this show?

I got asked today at four o'clock. Not a long time ago. I was doing nothing and said, it'd be great. For the record, I believe I thought you should have been asked earlier than four. I think it was something like 2.30. That might be right. Let me check the exact time.

So if it took until four, that does not reflect at all on the esteem we hold you in here as hosts. You know what? It was 11.20 a.m. Wow. I do want to be two gentlemen's four that was before i was ready to me it's four that was earlier than you wanted it to be i thought let's give it a couple more hours and see if anything else comes together take shape okay okay yeah well 11 20 the die was cast okay so but i i think it's important that since you asked it's important that you know that kevin did ask someone before you i which i that's that doesn't insult me at all and who owes us what i think they they phrased as a a mega favor yes like what like the

like the biggest favor and kevin said it's time to finally cash in. Yes. And so I guess rather than ask Will, to you would be someone doing you the biggest favor that they could possibly do is being on the show instead of Will. Right. Okay. I don't mind that I am I was super available really really excited to be on yeah clearly we but for me it's like it is actually exciting too because I think the other person whatever you are uniquely qualified to fill a role in this episode oh great yeah um because we have a massive responsibility uh something that is this ended up

being perfect stressful on a certain level but it's it's good stress it's it's forcing us to perform i think at a higher level good trouble um good trouble good the good kind of trouble yeah i love that that's you we're not there yet you should use that i should use if you end up being the choice yeah okay um our old friend jack louis said that i so i have uh a little bit of a you know friendly relationship with um one of the kind of premier minds today uh who is like investigating and shaping culture uh do you have any experience interaction with awareness of i mean how can you not be aware of uh jesse david fox jdf yes i know who jesse david fox this guy's like a fucking super genius he's a vulture writer yes he writes about how snl is like a sport it's baseball it's yeah it's baseball yeah it's basically which i think

that's an interesting theory that like people do relate to snl like a sport they're watching they they like it if it's good or bad they're curious about the stats of the people they get the jersey for the different you know what i mean, they get the jersey for the different, you know what I mean? They wear the shirt and they go out, you know. Yeah. And they like- Cards.

Cards. Really want one team from their town- Mm-hmm. Yeah. To like- Yeah. Yeah. Win the laugh.

Like it's- It's a great- I mean, it's like a one-to-one like yeah it's very close yeah um i really like it so yeah i remember reading but but but sports sorry so sports and comedy intersecting is actually what we're here to talk about because the the dude did it again uh and i like no sooner had i finished you know digesting the big game super bowl sunday yes-shaped chicken lunch. Then I opened up my news to see that Jesse... He issued an exclusive opinion. Had fixed it. Well, not only that, because I don't think there's a person alive who watched the Usher performance and didn't say,

this is broken. When is Jesse going gonna solve this like this is not working this system right at its core is defunct and i certainly was racking my brain all night of like how do i uh correct the sort of missteps that have been taken i guess i wasn't thinking of jesse consciously but i guess in retrospect he's the kind of person who i might expect to have an innovative solution to stuff and he does i don't know if he had this ready to go or if he was responding to some of the same problems that we all were i mean like i could feel when that halftime show was playing basically like a wartime mobilization across the country like everyone pitching in everyone doing their

part we have a common enemy this guy yes this guy's on roller skates he's like got doing these incredible movements and these hit songs and it's getting zero laughs yes right and he was really scared he was freaking out he said oh my god yeah a few times yes yeah a few times so i i you know i was uncomfortable i was was frightened. And then I was comforted, as I so often have been, by JDF's words. The pen, so mighty. That a comedic entity, a stand-up, could perform the Super Bowl halftime show. And before you even... Stand-up comedy. Before you even interrupt, because I can see you... I was just about to.

They don't sell big stadiums. They sell big stadiums. They sell big stadiums. They do this. They perform in these massive venues. Yeah. And so. Not that big though, right? And that's where it happens.

Like Radio City, they'll do Carnegie Hall. They'll do stadiums. They'll do sports arenas. They will. Yeah. They'll do sports arenas. They will. They'll do that and they can. And it is a sports arena where this is happening. And it's on TV sometimes too.

Yes, and they often have been on TV. Seinfeld was on TV. Seinfeld was on TV. Whitney. Right? Whitney Cummings had a show And was on TV Mr. Iglesias

Yes Wait who Mr. Iglesias Fluffy I'm not I'm not Not your Seinfeld and Whitney

Yes Mr. Iglesias Sorry Okay okay not your not my thing i guess seinfeld and whitney yes mr glacius i'm sorry no so that's what okay all right yeah sorry uh i if it's not necessarily something i would want to explore during the show yes but it should be yeah should be investigated probably on your own time I'll fix that yeah now I feel like I have to come up with somebody else who's been on TV

tater salad sorry? they call them tater salad I don't know I don't know who that is okay that's good for you honestly what? Gerard Tater Salad? I don't know who that is. Okay. Tater Nuts. So that, okay. Gerard. That's good for you, honestly.

What? Gerard. Yes. The Carmichael Show. Yes, Carmichael Show, right. Mm-hmm. Okay. So it's on TV.

It's in some of the biggest sports playing centers. But this single one we've decided we can't do this we can only which because no one and it's yes and it's why we're allowed to sing and dance we're only gonna sing and dance with these um i guess like massive artists, like, you know, with this body of work that is kind of tried and true and familiar that people want to see repeated. Yeah.

But then we're going to do that again. Yeah. And then again, like the next year, like done, it's a little done. Well, yeah. just like these

songs are they've been done they've been recorded if you want to hear them just put them on yeah yeah we know there's no surprises i mean you put on songs oh i do it all the time yeah yeah i guess so like when i'm saying it like be like nodding be into it yeah right yes okay yes right sorry enjoying like what i'm telling you because it's it's you know because it's also it's an energy thing yeah like it's gonna help me and then that's gonna help you like get your get your stuff in yeah okay i don't quite know what that means but i appreciate yeah i'm sorry. Yes. Well, I'm hoping that you have some stuff to get in

on the episode, too. And I don't want to set you up to fail or anything, but we gotta find the guy, the gal. Could be anyone. We're open to it being anyone.

I understand. You would not want it to be mr glacius but we would be fine with that would be fine with with you with another comedian and it's like guy gal like hayes said like it just like whoever is gonna step into that role so is this a done deal really happening so the the next super Bowl halftime show will be a stand-up comedian. Amazing. And now begins a nationwide, worldwide search. Incredible. Because there's foreign comedians as well.

Yeah. And the next Super Bowl halftime show will be packed with laughs. Yes, it's missing. Funny shit. Yes. Getting the crowd moving, enjoying it. People will be happy, finally. Stand-up shows, people are so happy at stand-up shows.

Well, they are, and the audience um for sports right yeah they're not really a music audience and the setup the the stage design is going to be the same there's going to be like younger people on the field like surrounding surrounding the stage on all sides. In a choreographed way or just sort of also just a select people? I think the artist will be involved in designing that, but I do think, yes, absolutely, in a choreographed way. And it'll be a question of like, what is the choreography? What is the shape?

Because it's not the same exact stage every year, but there's usually a couple of different wardrobe changes. It's a visual spectacle. There's a couple of different... Can I pitch something now to get your reaction to that? Yeah. I would love for you to contribute something like that. So you think that you should be the one to do this?

Oh, I wasn't saying that. I just was on the general topic of uh the show are you thinking what i'm thinking i mean if he wants to pitch something like he's pitching something this could be our guy oh let's hear what he has to well i didn't mean to i had i do not have anything i don't have anything prepared for the like of pitching it could be big bill i mean you know i don't think big bill i don't big bill can't do it i don't mind do you know i mean i do stand going away barely you know that i so barely do stand up brother i've seen you do stand up so i know that i know that you're underselling it i do

i've seen you steal a joke i think i've done that i've seen you steal a damn joke yeah i didn't realize you were doing it parallel thought this is the sign of a pro i guess but supply and demand if you've been sort of like choking off the like the supply for this long yeah they see you walk out there i dabble so barely in this i mean i do it to kind of work a muscle and for fun and well but here's the thing like you know somebody who does it all the time plays every city goes to do all these things and anybody who goes to see them goes like well i could see this anywhere but somebody who the second they step on stage it's like i didn't even know he fucking did this shit. Yeah, or who he is. Well, what I was going to pitch, and I do not think it's... We have a year, by the way, to up your...

Okay, that would be good. No, I would want to increase visibility, because we do probably need to announce it beforehand. The name-racking stuff will be... Yeah, that will be important for next year. Some different choices. When the musicians are announced, it's usually somebody pretty well known this is

what i'm saying we have a year and so like by the time of the announcement we're not like they don't announce it that far in advance yeah the game just happened we have a lot of time for you to like get the okay the name rack i mean it'd be pretty because i'm thinking about like other musicians that have done it and i don't even know if i agree with you like uh like bruce springsteen did it prince did it were people not pissed yeah they were they pissed i think people are dr dre do it last year people were pissed that their shit was not funny. Yeah. It's not that funny usually. No, it really is not. It was really loud.

Lady Gaga can be funny. Oh, sure. I wasn't laughing that much during her Super Bowl halftime show. Yeah. And, you know, Jesse, I hope he doesn't mind that we're talking about him so much, but JDF, he literally wrote the book on comedy. I mean, Hayes is in the damn book, you know? Yeah.

He doesn't mention, Hayes isn't mentioned as a comedic figure. Not as a comedian. Not for, like, doing stuff that's funny, but, like. As what? Not even really, doesn't even mention, doesn't give any context to who you are. Just your name in it? doesn't mention the podcast itself no but like even that

his name's in it the idea that I don't even need that extra context the book about comedy that's actually called comedy book and he's cracking my shit up I would be like almost more embarrassed if they were like hey

just so you know this guy's a comedian, and he has a podcast. Right. Well, he had to do that for some of the people that he mentioned. Yeah, he did. I'm not like, I don't want to start a feud or anything, but some of the comedians that he mentioned. He did have to explain who they were?

John Mulaney or who else. Yeah. Chappelle. He was going like, this is a comedian. Okay, wow. And with Hayes, it was just like, do I even have to say it, babe? Yeah.

Have you guys thought about pitching yourselves as performers? You know, we've got our producer hats on. That's really true. Sure. Cool. Wow. I think we need to do it the right way. Yes.

Obviously, there was the whole kind of witch hunt that happened when that Jeopardy producer put himself in the host. Yeah, I remember that. People really hated that. Just because he was the most kick-ass host. And what actually undid him was them finding out that he had a podcast. Yeah. And so if that happened to us you guys have so much evidence that could actually be a huge problem okay that's good thinking yeah that's probably the main reason we won't do it just because just because since

they don't people don't like when producers put themselves in the running yeah and it is a good gig for us to be you know kind of leading the hunt i think people trust our taste partially because we are so funny that we could do it ourselves um yeah you want like but i want to help shape it like i'd love to give somebody a platform okay especially a voice well that maybe people are less familiar with that i think deserves that i could tell you normally what i do in my stand-up routine maybe that would be a thrill that would be you had an idea for what the stage should look like really so unrelated it's so unrelated to what you're talking about now i was just saying like since you're going to be doing a hard pivot away from what people are used to it

might be nice to have a little taste of what happened before to smooth the transition. And so some people dancing or doing some kind of choreograph, because usually they have like fans around the field just watching the artist up close. And then also there's dancers. Are you picturing like a clockwork orange thing? Yeah, sort of like a bunch of people dressed the same,

kind of like a gang, kind of like they look like their friends. Bowler hat, eyeliner. And they're dancing on stage. And they're not quite rigidly dancing a fixture team but sort of doing similar movements the way those guys

did in Clockwork Orange. I think it's odd for them to be moving because the promise we're sort of making is there will be no music. Yeah. Okay. Good point. Maybe they could just be laughing demonstrably you know yeah that's that'll be your job okay yeah yeah maybe this is tell me something what the tell me something with the stand-up uh because i i've been looking at your material and some of it i think could actually work for the audience so little of it online i I mean, I want to emphasize again, I barely do it. I dabble. I mean, I do open mics

and maybe friends will invite me to do one level above. And then every now and then I'll float into some weird showcase show. Oh, this is friends inviting you to do one level above. Yes. Yeah, it's something like that but um normally i'll uh you know i'll come up on stage to try to be pretty authentic try to be myself i love that i love that because a lot of the super bowl show they're acting pretty phony in these halftime shows yeah okay they're being a little bit phony and it and you feel it it rings

false this isn't really that person so damn hard i'm like what are we hiding here like just be yourself so so how do you demonstrate authenticity like we're like we just got done seeing real things happening like yes the most like authentic thing you can possibly do i mean people didn't even know what was gonna happen who's gonna throw right uh kick it yeah yeah yes they're jumping be the coach right yep uh whistle yes uh uh block well it's not uh yeah we don't have to name everything that sure right yeah it's like yeah yeah um so right so i normally get up i start pretty authentic and uh big coat they have a big warm coat yes when it's cold yeah that's they have a lot of warming technology yeah eating better is easy with factors delicious ready to eat meals every fresh never frozen

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Okay, it shouldn't be. There are also more than 60 add-ons to help you stay fueled up and feeling good all day long. How many add-ons? And what are some of them? It's one big add-on, and it's you on your bed. You're so tired after you eat my meal. The promise is the meal makes us sleepy.

You've been pushing that so much you're saying that you will be added on to your bed yeah your bed plus one that's the opposite of what this is supposed to do it's supposed to help you stay a lot of these i know give you a ton of energy they have like smoothies and things like that reservation for two me walking in my bedroom what's the second it's you and your bed? The bed. I guess Clippy. Fuel up fast with Factor's restaurant-quality meals that are ready to heat and eat wherever you are. Pancake, smoothies, and more.

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Rules and restrictions may apply. With Babbel, we can't promise it'll always be easy, but you'll always be glad you did it. Kind of like this podcast, except it is easy for me. Hollywood Handbook. Kevin, where's this one going to be?

Can we find out? Because if it's going to be cold, this is going to inform what he's talking about. I might use it. If it's cold, I might use it. Shrinkage. I mean, he's stolen other jokes. I stole, I think, a joke once.

You can do the whole shrinkage thing. You're doing it for a little bit, yeah. New Orleans. Dane Cook, Mencia, Robin Williams. These are people who've stolen you know i'm in i'm in pretty good company new orleans nolans yeah baby you could do a little cajun i don't normally do that would be helpful to kind of establish you as like what's a like one of the new orleans guys Yeah. Like basically the face of the New Orleans comedy scene.

What channel too? Because if it's like, you know, if it's like, catch me in this, catch me in the new procedural coming out this fall on like, you know, whatever channel. Yeah. And I'm playing a, you're going like. Plugging my roles?

You're, well, I think there's sort of a funny kind of like tongue in cheek. Like you're describing the, you know, New Orleans based show. I feel like you'll be. People haven't. I don't think people respond well to accent work in general these days. And it's really not my thing, but I guess to, to connect with the local population,

that could be good. Can we try it? Knowledge. Yeah. Um, try to knowledge. Yeah. Can we,

here we are knowledge. Here we are. Here we are knowledge. Yeah. And it's, and I think because you want it, it's like, think how would you want it it's like because you don't want it to succeed because you kind of were the person who shut the door on it before we even started and i'm not sabotaging let's not explore it no i'm trying okay i want i i i want to i want

to think that's true um so maybe you said you said initially and we're getting further away from it so and i apologize it's maybe my fault because i had like a sort of a creative idea which i'll try to have less but the um the first thing you said was that you try to be pretty authentic i try to present a taste of myself so how so how are you doing that because that's obviously not going to be an accent right you said that are you authentic in the sense that like you say that you will not do things like you've been doing so far on this no no i will the type of i'll do things yeah because that to me like that's that's authentically me would be bringing nothing is what you're saying less than that no i would off the table i would yeah no no i would i would be bringing something okay I'm in act. Yeah, absolutely.

Yes, I love hearing that. You're going to need to. I got to know what this thing is. You could even, and speaking of authentic, it's like, I was checking out the city today. And you talk about some of the authentic flavors. I was on my way here. Gumbo. Got some beignets.

Stop by this gumbo spot. Yeah. You know? Gumbo, yeah. You could talk a little bit about that. Gumbo. Got some beignets. Stop by this gumbo spot. Yeah. You know? Gumbo, yeah. You can talk a little bit about that. I've had gumbo. It's good, yeah. So I could do that. This is like they're eating out of the palm of your hand, you're saying that.

Anybody here been to that gumbo spot? But it's televised as well. It's not just for the locals. Okay, so I want to make sure to not leave them out. And maybe you hold your tummy. Yeah. Ooh, I'm so full of beignets and gumbo you say you're in dragon ass yeah yeah you say uh oh he had nolans oh yeah yeah oh i had a little too much but on stage and a normal stage scenario we'll try to heighten it for this how would you okay how would you demonstrate your authentic just to set the stage normally i'm going up in the back of a bar where there's noise leaking in from another room

six or seven people are watching four of which have already performed right i get up there it's a hostile energy of people just mad that the thing isn't over and you got to say something a little self-deprecating to acknowledge that to win people back. So normally what I'll do, and also I want to present my natural energy, which is muted. And I will get up and I'll say something like greetings. Teenage muted Ninja Turtles. Whoa. Just something for.

Maybe I could use that. I don't know hang on would that be stealing if i did that no no no that's for you that's for you yes well i can use i'll have kevin draw up the paperwork just because i don't want to do that again i mean if it gets really big you have to give me something of course but hey but uh so what like? Like, I'm there. I'm there. I'm mad. Yeah. I'm like. You did your seven minutes. Yeah.

The football crowd is mad sometimes. Yes. Yeah. Well, half of them are mad, right? Because their team's down. Mm-hmm. Minimum. Yeah.

I don't know. Yeah. Well, yeah, that's a pretty reasonable. And it's really expensive. Oh, it's pretty reasonable that one team is down? There's no such thing as a tie score. I guess I don't know. I guess there could be a tie. There's no such thing as a tie score. I guess I don't know. I guess there could be a tie score.

Yeah, there could be a tie score. So I get up there at the shows I normally do, and I have to win over this vaguely, slightly hostile crowd, and I'll say something like, greetings, colleagues, and maybe someday friends. That is what I will do. And it goes over okay. It's kind of charming.

It's a little bit formal and stilted, which I am. And so that sets them up for that. They giggle a little bit. They're getting a feel for who I am. I'm just trying to picture it being said so at the Super Bowl I get on stage

I assume there's some kind of like millions of people band for you yeah well I think it could still work because it subverts expectations the colleagues

well to hear colleagues think about it think about it to hear colleagues from the person taking the stage at the Super Bowl you get to think about it

I come up I'll probably dress like this. I'll have a thick flannel shirt on. I don't see myself. I meant to say, you look like a million fucking bucks, man. Thank you. Thanks so much. You don't have to do this when you do the show.

I want to let you off the hook. I appreciate that. I appreciate that. Yeah. So I think it would work. I'd get up on stage. Hey, now presenting the halftime act, Will Hines. And I'd walk up and they're like, who is this?

Maybe there's been some visibility by that time doing TikTok videos. Maybe you're on the reg by then. I think we can get you some TikTok collabs. Okay, great. Some like mom fluencers. Yeah. So some people are probably a little. And I've been announced.

Some kids will know you as some mom. Like big game hunting videos sure yeah you're holding up like a rhino's disembodied fucking ass or something yeah I guess so you have to flay the ass yeah well sure I guess I could flay

yeah and you're going like flay honey or whatever you know flay clean yeah I don't mind doing that. And I get up on stage, and they announce to me, and I walk. Probably it's going to take a bit, because those are big stages usually. So I come, walk, and I go. So you're going to climb up the side.

No, no, I think I'll walk up steps. Okay. But I just assume. And say that. Yes. Because this all has to, we we got to start figuring this out now no okay we're actually responsible for details like that so it's just like you know yeah i can't just like wing it you don't want to clamor up the side i don't i want to walk upstairs okay

and then i'll walk to the center there'll be a mic and a spotlight could be i'm sorry and just it could be funny if he's walking around like how the fuck do i get up here like just like before we did and all the people are down there looking like i'm supposed to be up there people going like what are you doing well you're supposed to be up here don't let the stairs in no no and he needs a boost oh everyone has to like oh he comes tumbling down like 20 different people have their hands pushing on his butt pushing him up stage is very slippery he slides all the way

across on the other side I love this that's so funny I could do that let's say it's like that. That's how it starts. We're just first draft.

It is like that. It is. It be like that sometimes. I'm getting pushed on my ass up the stage and then I clamber up there, but I get eventually to a microphone in the middle of the stage with a spotlight, I assume. Yeah. Pick it up,

say, hey, everybody, and we'll... No, I will... Hang on. I'll say, hello, colleagues, and hopefully someday, friends. Was it hopefully the first time? No. It wasn't. I think we should nail it down.

I mean, I want it to feel loose. I want it to feel improvised but i i would like there i usually say greetings colleagues and perhaps someday friends that's exactly what i usually say great yeah that's what i would say so let's so let's say it's that let's just say it's that yeah and not like go like too loose where we're actually maybe it was pretty loose yeah i'm concerned i'm i'm picturing an outcome you're you're at the super bowl right you deliver that line and one person laughs that could be bet worse than zero right that that that's sort of the outcome that i've

tried to like i could see like what How many people are in a stadium? Numbers? Playing the statistical odds? Yeah. Like one person. There's a lot of people there. I feel like more than one person will laugh. Okay.

Even on the low estimate. Audibly? Yeah. What are we thinking? How many people in a typical Super Bowl stadium? If they pack the fields, all the boxes, no, I'm thinking like 50,000, 60,000. Okay, 50,000, 60,000 people can hear me? Yeah.

I think I'm going to get minimum 1,000 people are going to laugh at that. I think that's pretty fair. Okay. That could, like, yeah, we could make that sound like. I think that's pretty fair. Okay. That could, like, yeah, we could make that sound like. I think that would sound pretty good. I don't know. I think. We could sweeten that. Yeah.

That's pretty, yeah. That's pretty, that's pretty good. So, you know, I think we need to be aware of the fact that, and that'll be fine for this. this the audience is we don't want to alienate any one group absolutely and so like in terms of looking at a lot of your material that you've done and i know you have this big chunk that's sort of been the centerpiece of your act for a while that is like kind of the tagline of it i guess is um there's a reason that marriage and mirage are only one letter apart which crushes yes and i don't know if it's because that's not true but i i just don't get both you know it's the the genuine meaning of it makes people laugh

and then the wordplay of it being wrong gets other people yeah and then you go into these examples of how like tent you know marriage is a mirage etc yeah i can speak from my own experience there are married people watching the super bowl sure i don't want them to think that we are attacking their lifestyle. You don't want to get trapped into just playing to the audience that's in the crowd.

Yeah. Because most of them have lied to their spouses and stuff. So the people in the arena might dig it. They might be in marriages that are mirages. Then you get online after the show. No, I mean the perception at home, right, is like you go.

You see JDF. Yeah, that's true. He's been taking practice swings in the batter's box this whole time. This is a trap, basically. JDF, whoever is going to jump into this. Oh, my God. He has laid the trap. He'll be writing about it no matter what, right?

Oh, yeah. That's intimidating. to this oh my god he has laid the trap he'll be writing about it no matter what right oh yeah and it's gonna be it's gonna be written before you even start to clamor up on it will feel in the stadium like you are killing but at home even guys where i think some of that shit's funny that you talk about like you do officially no okay right because i can't laugh with my sweetie yeah to me yeah you know saying like what we have is a mirage like i can't you can't yeah no that makes i like it but i don't like that i like it and so like that i'm not laughing so you're thinking less of it or totally cut it out because right now that's a lot of my act. No, I know. That's a concern. I don't think you have to cut it out.

I would say there's no reason that marriage is one letter off from Mirage. Or it's just what's the difference between a marriage and a Mirage? Leave it open. What's the difference?

And then maybe you find some differences that don't really take a position. Right. What's the difference between marriage and a mirage? Yeah. Half of all mirages don't end in sweatpants. Yeah, it just really does. You already take jokes that other people do. Well, yeah, I think I did one time that I had forgotten about,

but you are reminding me. Yes. Okay, well, these are good. Those are pretty good. Do you want to hear another thing I actually do? I'd like to know what else we're going to do. So another thing I've been doing lately is I have a lab rat bit where I'll say

that I'll ask if people get jealous of others, people's accomplishments, kind of try to get the crowd to relate. Usually people will agree with that. Anybody here ever get jealous? You ever feel jealous? Yeah. You ever feel jealous of Instagram and you compare yourself to other people? You're talking to four failed standups.

Yeah. So they'll usually respond. Yeah. In the context of the shows. They're usually, that hooks them pretty good. And then I'll say, and this is something I have been doing, is I think about the guys who do lab rat experiments and how some lab rat experiments are big hits and some aren't.

And the ones who don't do the ones that are big hits, are they mad at the ones who have big hit lab rat experiments it's a lot of explaining which gets that part well and the and the phrase lab rat experiment it's not to be not it's i say it all the time yeah because you have to because it's not a phrase you have to establish it yeah because it's not a known but you get it it's not a phrase but i don't have a better no i can't say it any better yeah yeah that's what they are their lab rat experiment and then i'll name some lab rat experiments that everybody knows and what are some of those like there's a famous one that never happened but that people think happened which is where a lab rat is

given a bar food one bar gives it food. One bar gives it cocaine. I'm saying, anybody ever heard of the one where the- Don't point at me when you say cocaine. Oh, sorry. Yes. One bar gives it food.

One bar gives it cocaine. I didn't mean it like that. And now I'm cocaine? That's not what I meant. Just find someone- Kevin, alter the video. Okay. When you do that at the Super Bowl,

just find someone in the crowd who has to kind of like give it video. Okay. When you do that at the Super Bowl, just find someone in the crowd who has to kind of give it up. Okay. That they're doing. You got me. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Because you're going to want to do some crowd work.

That's what they, you know. You'll want to do some crowd work for sure. Okay. Yeah. So I'll do that. Because if we're going to have this like go viral afterwards, like if this is actually going to like do well on TikTok. This bit has been doing pretty well in the. Because if we're going to have this go viral afterwards, this is actually going to do well on TikTok. This bit has been doing pretty well in the rooms that I've been going to.

I'm talking about the crowd work. I'm not talking about this. Okay, the crowd work. I just want to make very clear I am not talking about this. The crowd work will probably replace a lot of what this is. But the famous experiment is that they do the cocaine. Yes, the rat has one bar that gives it food, one bar that gives it cocaine,

and it keeps hitting the cocaine until Yes, the rat has one bar that gives it food, one bar that gives it cocaine, and it keeps hitting the cocaine until it dies. And then a second half of the experiment is they give it a... That was the first half. That's the first half of the setup. And so... First half is dead. Wait, no, that was the first half of the experiment. Of the experiment, yes. Okay, so now

we're going to hear a second half that is, I mean it's the half, so it's the same length as the first half. That's correct, a little longer. It's okay hear a second half that is, I mean, it's the half. So it's the same length as the first half. That's correct. A little longer. It's okay. The second half of the experiment is they, then they have a rat with a bar of food, bar of cocaine, and they give it like a little play area where it can engage its mind and be active.

And then it goes for the food and not the cocaine. Have you guys ever heard of that experiment? I had heard of the first half. Are you asking? Sorry. Am I? You're asking experiment? I had heard of the first half. Are you asking? Sorry, you're asking me if I've heard? Yes. You say, like, have you guys heard of that experiment? Yes.

And you're just, okay. Hopefully. Do you talk about how it didn't happen? 20,000, 25,000 people. Then I say that didn't happen. Go along. And I said it must be frustrating to be a guy who's done a real lab rat experiment and to have a fake one be more famous than your actual work.

It doesn't seem to apply at all to career jealousy or anything in the initial premise of the idea. It's been working decently well in the rooms that I go in. Yeah. So that's something, I don't know. That's my newest thing. I'm still working it.

I'm wishing there were a more famous lab rat experiment me too yeah me too that you must be feeling that like you know because like that lab rat experiment i guess i've kind of i don't think of it as a famous lab rat experiment okay you know what i mean the only really famous one i could think of is flowers for aldrin and also how do you know that never happened yeah what yeah it's never happened how do you know that that also is sticking with me maybe you don't even need to say that it didn't happen although you have to but it's actually the entire premise the whole idea is that it didn't happen it didn't happen i don't i just i researched but there's been so many if It did not happen in any major documented way.

Okay. So maybe you have to say like, wouldn't you feel bad if that experiment is more famous, even though it maybe only happened in a small, less documented way? Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. I'll add that in. How about, oh, there is a more famous lab rat experiment, right? They grew an ear on one. Remember they grew an ear on them? They did do that. They grew an ear on the back of a rat.

I know that happened because I seen the fucking ear on this thing. And then maybe we just pivot to this entirely, to the ear. The breath, it just has to be. Okay, it doesn't have any. Can you imagine that breath? Bumping to his. Yeah. He must love bumping to music. Although, Hayes, if we do that at the Super Bowl,

it's going to make people think like, oh, yeah, I'd rather be bumping to music. Yeah, we don't want people to be thinking about music at all. We really don't. Okay, I got another one. Do you still want to unpack this more no no maybe no i think it's i think i'd like to hear another one i mean i think one thing i thought of when they forgot to invent the rat that had a q-tip sticking out of its oh so they could uh oh right yeah so the two of them could butthole or its tail yeah well

butthole buttholes i guess that's a funny punchline i don't know that's funny i was thinking about this when he said uh the lab rat experiments they i wonder if they're jealous of other lab rat experiments here i am jealous of all these la brat experiments it's know, that's who I'm jealous of. Right. Yeah. That is pretty good. Because I don't feel comfortable using it.

Or these LeBron tea experiments. Because these LeBron. LeBron? Are you doing LeBray at Tar Pits or LeBron? No, LeBron. Because, madam, LeBon is experimenting with my tea uh-huh yeah i'm just i'm not 100 sure what you mean like the bra when you see lebron this has been working pretty well for him your tea yes is like exploding. It increases your T.

When you are when a bra becomes visible. When you witness LeBron. Uh-huh. Your T skyrockets. And what's your T? Your T is your testosterone level

or is that? Yes. Okay. Yes. Yes. Ideally, yes. Okay. Yeah.

That's pretty good. Yeah. I'd say so. Yeah. That's going to be pretty good yeah i'd say so yeah that's gonna be pretty good yeah i don't know i'm selling on this i think i could make it work let's talk about the crowd work because we do need to replace a lot of what's in there already crowd work's my specialty i do better at it because i've done more improv than stand-up so if somebody in the crowd says something i do tend to do better that way. Okay, great. So there's somebody in the front row. Yeah.

They're painted the colors of the team or whatever. Minnesota Vikings. What do you ask usually? I usually don't ask something. I deal with pretty vocal crowds and they just volunteer information. Something about my presence on stage seems to provoke a lot of... It's safe for me to talk yeah yeah what kind of stuff do they usually

show up with um like they'll just i i had a bit about reading classic books and somebody just wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute and we okay so you're giving me this lab rat stuff there's a classic book bit that we could be seeing at the halftime show at the super bowl come on oh my god this is i mean i'm fired up my only fear now is that introducing an entirely new genre of entertainment will lead to the think pieces of like, why isn't a classic book doing the Super Bowl halftime show? But that's a 2025. And by the way, we get ahead of that and we can sit down with some classic books. And then people just will shout out the name of a book wait what's the bit that what's the

classic i'll say you can't tell somebody that you are enjoying a classic book because everyone already knows that it's good like you can't say to somebody hey you know what a good and they would shout out a book right they'll be and they'll just say like twilight oh they shout out books that maybe i wouldn't consider a classic they'll just shout whatever they're reading they'll just say a book harry potter yes i've had that happen wow so okay and then you and then you and your crowd work mode i will say so and you and you needed this to happen because, as you were saying, you don't do stand-up for the most part. I don't do stand-up that well.

So this is now I'm in my element. Okay. Yes. You're very glad this happened. Thank God. Someone said Harry Potter. Harry Potter. And I'll go, what are you, just naming books?

I said book and you're just naming a book? And that'll usually do pretty well. There you got him. Yeah, it does. It usually does pretty well. They don't respond, right? They can't. They can't.

You have them dead to rights. This particular example that did happen, it was a very drunk man who just shouted Harry Potter. And then I said, you're just going to shout out books? He goes, yes. And then I didn't say anything for a second. He went, I'm sorry. And I said, it's okay.

And I went back to finish the bit. And then he shouted out, I like you. And it was a pretty, it was a nice thing to enjoy. Here's my concern. I'm at the Super Bowl. Yeah.

I didn't hear what the person said. I'll repeat it. Okay. Did everybody hear what this man said? Yeah, he said Harry Potter. He said Harry Potter. Allow me to respond, please. Oh, now he just said he likes me.

He just said he likes me. Yeah. He said I'm sorry. He said he likes me. Yeah, that's... Well, you can do that even no matter what somebody says. I guess a lot of my crowd would do that. You know that did well, so...

Yeah, I could just pretend like it happened. That, yeah, I'd rather do that than leave it up to what the crowd actually says because I'm not certain they're going to tell you they like you. That makes sense. And this is not any judgment on you. I'm realizing you do this classic book thing and I'm remembering, of of course another joke of yours

that i've always enjoyed and um it is attacking the liberal media yes you've really zeroed in on parts of my routine that other people don't but yeah i go after the liberal media pretty i'll go after him pretty hard and i don't know that we want to be that divisive, although maybe for this crowd it would be okay. I'll perform the joke now. Okay. This is Will's joke. The New York Times slogan is

all the news that's fit to print. You know what I have to say to that? Relax, New York Times. That's a real joke. I can't believe you remember that. That is insane. Yes, I do. I think that's good.

I think that's a good joke. I think that's funny. I think it's funny to tell the New York Times to relax. Yeah, I've always enjoyed it. I just don't know if it's Super Bowl ready. I think it is. I think it's going to crush at the Super Bowl. I think it's going to get up there and change some minds.

If Hayes agrees, then we've got one. Maybe they're connecting it back to the other stuff. To the lab rats? Lab rats, yeah. Oh, what about, I'd rather see you, oh, really, it's all the news? I'd rather see you print LeBron. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, that could be good. I was thinking a Lib rat thing, but like, yeah, print LeBron. If you actually want to get me to read this. Yeah, print LeBron. Yeah, that's pretty newsworthy, according to my tea. Yeah, all LeBron that Yeah, that's pretty newsworthy, according to my tea. Yeah.

All LeBron that's fit to tea. Yeah. Yeah, just trying to. And so right around now, I think, in the routine, what we are going to want to do is have the game suddenly be starting again. Yes. The game. You're trapped on the field. You're trapped on the field. Okay starting again. Yes. The game. You're trapped on the field. You're trapped on the field.

Okay. They run straight into you. They kill you. You'll be watching it. Well, they kick the kickoff at you first. I see the kickoff. You, in spite of yourself, catch the ball. And then realize you've made a grave error

you try to put the ball down like no no no i don't have the ball but it's too late they vaporize you yes okay in like a visual effect sort of way or just no you become like just particular matter matter yes i get murdered blood mist right yeah just it'd be legendary oh my gosh the ratings would be fucking astronomical and the tiktoks the next day it wouldn't look fake it would look real mm-hmm and they like ideally they would they would like also be a legendary play on top of that like they score a touchdown or something like oh yeah that it's like a total momentum swing and like the team you know the team that most of the country's rooting for ends up winning the game based on the fact that you were vaporized i think that's actually how it's like getting like when your roommate dies

in college you get an a i do think if, if you touch the ball and then you die, you do get a touchdown. Okay. So you get it. You win the Superbowl. Yeah. That's interesting. So Bill Hines gets the game winning touchdown.

So the score would just be like team. What? Well, some team 35, another team, 23. Will Hines. Yeah.

Six. Yeah. You can't kick the extra point in the condition that you would be in yeah the the um memes of people going like you know like hey what what the heck i just found big bill hines in my spice cabinet or something and there's like a they have like a paprika or you know yeah some kind of red dust. Yeah. Yeah. Would be a pretty cool legacy. Well, with Dune, I guess Dune's coming out

and there's a lot of dust and sand in Dune. Yes, that's right. So that would probably work out. Timothy and Fallon are walking through the sand and they're like, wow, this is a pretty sandy planet here. It's like, oh no, this is just Big Bill Hines. We're just walking through Big Bill Hines.

That's amazing. That's in Dune? Oh god, no. It's a commercial. No, this would just be on Fallon. What a commercial. What's it for? This would not be a commercial. I think it'd be a bit or whatever. This would be like a sketch that fallon and oh no why i think till timothy chalamet should do it

but yeah timothy yeah no i think what did i say oh i think how about this uh just like to double back i guess it won't make sense because you haven't been exploded yet but you go like uh you guys have some pretty famous donuts here in nolans these beignets but i actually prefer a different uh uh uh uh delicacy uh do nuts uh yeah do do nut different special donut plant a different special donut for later a different a do when they see you get blown up yeah at the end they'll remember

they'll be like oh that's a callback oh like do well and Hayes comes comes out to sort of scurry up and gather up the mic and he goes uh don't worry guys

he had a uh do not resuscitate order or something and and we and then you guys do get involved

well I think he would have to say something I mean our talent was just, you know. Vaporized. Murdered. Yeah. Yeah.

And they're still going to play the game. They're going to finish the game, you know. It's the last game of the year. I was wondering how I was going to get off the stage. Yeah, somebody's got to win. There are no stairs. Yeah. So that's honestly the cleanest way to get you.

Yeah, that would solve that problem. These guys are pro athletes. They'll just launch stairs. Yeah. So that's honestly the cleanest way to get. Yeah. That would solve that problem. These guys are pro athletes. They'll just launch themselves. Yeah. I like that ending. Yeah. I mean, it would be great to. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Speaking of endings. Bye. Hollywood Hamburg. That was a hate gum podcast.