Hollywood Handbook - Zach Woods, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: March 19, 2024

The Boys talk to ZACH WOODS about all his famous roles.Get a Hat Pack Hat here!Watch the video of today’s episode at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes. Like the show? Rate Hollywood Handbook 5-Stars on Apple PodcastsAdvertise on Hollywood Handbook via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast okay so it is something occurred to me the other day where i just and i my brain just thinks about this stuff but uh i'd like to i'd like to meet getting like i'm so hungry for it i'd like to meet slash shake the hand of slash allow him to explain himself the first guy who figured out and sorry to go there wait one more time the first guy who figured out um how to have sex like like okay like all right so this guy i mean think about this this was you know some uh caveman or something going uh probably okay let me just put this stuff over here on this thing until uh that goes all over there you know and it gets on they gets on these gets on these yeah i mean the first guy who figured that out it's like wow it must have been pretty bold do you know about it sure you know

are you sure that's what we do and uh so you know thank you i guess i would even be here if he hadn't done it but i've been thinking about i'd like to meet that guy. That was a whole move. And I'd like to talk to him and ask him, like, how would thou tell me? What made you think, oh, let me just put this stuff over here and until these get all over it. Do you guys know, because you keep talking about it getting all over it.

You keep talking about that, actually. No, I'm talking about the whole concept of it you know and so focused on that one part which is like yes it's a huge part of it okay yeah it's one of the main parts and you said teach me sensei i guess what i'm wondering is like are you guys having a are you guys having trouble with the mechanics of sex and mentor me uh do you guys understand the engineering of well let's introduce, let's introduce the show. Yeah, you've never been here before. You've been asked

half a dozen times. And the ladies say, Woods. I don't understand that. Woods. And the ladies say, Woods. You guys have a lot of energy about sexuality, but then I don't actually think you know. It's weird it's still

woods hadn't seen zach in a while but i still woods oh like they would have sex they woods have guys are you are you have you guys had sex that felt good to you guys the show's hollywood handbook you know it's uh it's an insider's guide to kicking butt, dropping names in the red carpet, live back always in this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? But it's not really like a sex, it's not a show where we like,

talk about having sex off like the entire show. Great. Yeah. So. No, sometimes one of us will have a funny little thought or observation of like, okay, who invented this? You know, this move where it's like going. Going where?

On it. Yeah. So like who came up with that? But that's just sort of like a fun, almost thought experiment. And it's meant to be humorous. But we have, of course, speaking of humorous, one of the funniest guys, Zach Woods. And if you haven't seen Zach in a little while, trust me, you're still Woods.

And he's here, and we're going to talk to him on the show. Have you done a HeadGum show before? HeadGum? Any HeadGum shows? I did, yeah. What's it called? We're Here to Help. Here to it called? We're Here to Help. Here to Help.

Did We're Here to Help. So that's how we got you. Okay. What does that mean? No, I wanted to do it because I just like you guys, and I, what does that mean? Kevin has been taking the Rolodex into the bathroom. Mm-hmm.

Sometimes when he gets contact, we're here to help us manage to get some decent guests. He will excuse himself to the bathroom. He'll make up a story about what he needs to do in there. I've been telling him, just say I need to use the restroom, but he gives a lot of detail about what's going to happen. He'll really have to do

it for real. He needs to prepare in that way, so he'll really have to do it for real. Both. The thing that he has to get it all over it whatever he says yeah no oh that's something no no he's in there by himself yeah yeah but um but he'll take he'll take the email or whatever the secret email he'll bring it in there and then sometimes you know we get some of the runoff email he'll bring it in there and then sometimes you know we get some of the runoff oh i i independently decided to do your show because i value what you guys do well we were told we were told yes on multiple occasions that no you did it who told you that well i guess twice over the past 10 years i've asked you and been told no thank you and then the you have a show now of course in the no on peacock please do if you like the way

zach sounds on the mic here talking on a sort of radio type format in the yes yeah yeah you're gonna love the show because he's doing because he's also uh talking on the mic in a radio type format but as character there's something about the you guys and it's like the more you smile the more anxious i feel you know what i mean like the bigger the us too if Us too. Yeah. If that's helpful. Yeah. That is true for us as well. Yeah. It does somehow make me just so anxious to like keep doing the show.

You've heard of like monkey stress phase. Do you know what that is? It's sort of. Talk about monkey stress phase because you said beforehand this is going to be kind of your main thing on the show. I did. I'm trying to get the word out. If you see a monkey, it looks like the monkey's smiling. It might not be a smile.

It might be an indication of severe, severe stress as a kind of precursor to aggression. And that's the feeling. When I look at you guys, I'm like, you know. Here it comes. Here it comes. Are these monkeys going to rip my buttocks off? Don't know about the stress face.

I do know about the wire mother. You're familiar with this? Yes, the Harlow monkey. It's actually fine. Yeah. The wire mother's actually fine. It's so so overblown that's been totally debunked wire mother's fine i mean you have to you know sort of position yourself carefully when you're going to sleep on her wire bosom but used to it to be clear guys it's all it's all bosom it's it's like it's whatever bosom bosom i mean we said that do you say you're saying bosom bosom's

bosom at the end of the day is that the end i just just for clarity i don't want to harp on this too much when you say get it all over are you talking about bosom okay for those for the listeners he just shrugged meaningfully but unspecifically uh so'm sorry that when you were here, when did you do the other show? Yeah, we were here to help. When? I guess it was a couple weeks ago. I don't know, Kevin, is that right?

That's right. A couple weeks ago. A couple weeks. I'm sorry. I bet there have not been any improvements to the facility since then, really. Certainly nothing meaningful. Certainly nothing from the curb appeal perspective.

A concept completely alien to leadership and rank and file here. Is it? You're much louder all of a sudden. Have you played an alien in a movie? I played an alien in a kid's television show once called Welcome to the wreck with andrew wk okay yeah i had a big bulbous head a big gray head the wreck welcome to the wreck i think it was called and i had a big bulbous head a big gray alien head imagine this okay the sidewalk

outside headgum studio i'm licking my chops. Hayes has something good. Podcast Walk of Fame. Wait. The podcast. Talk of Fame. Yes. Talk of Fame. That's better than the podcast Here of Fame.

The podcast Talk of Fame. Podcast was Here. Lips. Instead of hands. Lips. I feel like I'm in one of the worst Allen Ginsberg poems kiss the sidewalk it's like you're like it's like you're talking but yeah this is one of the most abstract episodes of the show that I've ever heard because at this point it just feels like sort of associative imagery it's like I'm talking to leadership and rank and file here honestly i got the same reaction from them to me it's a fairly straightforward concept the podcast talk of fame which i concede is better than the podcast here

of fave yes and and i appreciate that because it's it's not always easy to back you off of something like that. It does feel like we're talking to leadership rank and file a little bit. It feels like an agent for the status quo has infiltrated the episode. And we can sort through it. What I wanted to say about the show is, of course, you have this show. They put their lips in the cement. I created it.

Oh, yeah. We do. I created it. Oh yeah. Like we can come back to it. Yeah. They put their lips in the cement instead of like their handprints for the, like, like, like they do for the walk of fame. They put their handprints in instead it's podcasters.

Yeah. And so they're talking. That's why it's the talk of fame. Right. And they're putting their lips in the cement instead of their hands that part a lot of that they got to fill up a lot of cement you know like hands are bigger that's the big thing so they have to do it a bunch of times kiss it a bunch i think they should put chapstick in the concrete like what do you mean by that i i believe that in the blend concrete of course there's no it's

not a single substance it's a blend of multiple elements. Okay, yes. I think they should have some sort of balm in there. Okay. Because people are going to be kissing it a lot. Like a mix-in, like Stone Cold Creamery. Like how they have mix-ins there. Okay. I was like, Stone Cold Steve Austin does not mix chapstick into anything.

Here's what I'm curious about, guys. You keep talking about the rank and file and the leadership. Have you guys taken kind of a shift shift a hard shift towards libertarianism or it feels like i feel like you're about to go off like rant about bohemian grove or something or the there's a cue kind of vibe that i'm picking up from you guys that are quite the opposite okay no i am very much into now i would never rant about that anarchic horizontal structures i am fucking done with having a boss here i've just realized that like everyone who thinks they're in charge is actually like i should be like in charge instead there is so uh zach one thing you need to understand about human development is that there are sort of two modalities, right? Okay.

Power and connection. Wow. Okay. Yeah. And Hayes and I, for too long in this show, have been so much in our connection, right? Trying to collaborate with these fuckers. And it's finally time to live in our power. Okay.

And this is an omnipotence phase, right? And we don't need the interconnectivity that has been stifling us and forcing us to do episodes that I guess you deem more coherent than this what we need actually is just to like fucking vibe out and like be allowed to like sean yeah can i can i ask you guys a question sorry when i went i know exactly what you're going to ask.

I doubt it. I peed before the show, and in the bathroom, in the basket, the waste paper basket, there were two goatskin- You peed in the waste paper? No, no, I peed in the toilet, but in the waste paper- You just said you peed in the waste paper basket. Okay, I want to be clear. I did not pee in the waste paper basket. That would be insane.

And that basket is also not for waste paper. Okay, well then it's it's poorly named but anyway there were two goes in the toilet guys i know you're trying to obfuscate what's actually happening here but there were two goat skin condoms full of what looked like cocaine and i just want to note that i'm starting to put two and two together this guy can see cocaine through goat skin now i i it was pretty clear i'm sorry i i just i reject the premise goatskin famously obscures are you penis high presentation of are you boys penis eye on cocaine because there's a feeling of aggression a kind of incoherent prattle are you penis eye on cooking that's what i want to know oh my god this guy is so we got uh uh uh rfk is a

running mate over here with the theories you know what i mean no i don't know what you mean did you snort cocaine into your ether is boys because there's a weird energy a rangy weird monkey energy and i hate it what happened is the the in the know peacock booker person said we could not have you okay they told us we couldn't have zach and now you're here we could have something changed we were allowed to have brandon and carl and carl we had already carl and no disrespect to carl we had him and we'd been having him. You'd been having him? We had been having Carl for quite some time.

And frankly, we'd had Brandon. When you say had, I assume you just mean on the show, or is there a second meaning? He's in the Lugo. In the Lugo? Yes. Guys, I can see there's blood. What looks like a small blood stain near the zipper of your pants does your goat does your penis have a deviated septum right now you know it's like i start the show i have the normal amount of sex conversation that we're supposed to have during

the show where we talk about sex organs you know in this sort of general way that everyone can listen to where we say who came up with this thing and then we put it to bed and we said to you that's not the bulk of the show like most of it is not going to be that and yet condoms penis stains you know waste paper in the bathroom like you just keep bringing it back to these hyper sexual topics i just want to understand what i'm walking into because i was told that this was going to be a conversation about the business i thought we were talking about john you don't have to you don't have to dumb it down on this show i and then i know what it's like moving through all these spaces for you people think they people look at guys like me and zach and sean out here yeah and guys that are kind of like smarter and everybody of us smarter and everybody and kind of above it all and they think that must be really nice that must be nice it's actually

painful as kind of just float above everybody and just be kind of like just yeah looking down be smarter be able to see every angle exactly like yeah and it's just like it's actually insanely painful it'd actually be nice to have a real conversation every once in a while i would love that yes i would really love that to really get in there people think oh it must be nice being the fucking zookeeper all day do you throwing little like kippers to the armadillo and the dog that would kill an armadillo and there shouldn't be a dog this is the type of zoo that has a dog in it it's it's true though i mean that is the zoo our chosen zoo that's the level of the dog in an armadillo that's the level of this zoo that we're dealing with yes there's a dog in an armadillo? That's the level of this zoo that we're dealing with, yes. There's a dog in an armadillo. And they're kipper starved.

They're mad for kippers. And it's not ideal, but we've made the most of it. I don't think anyone can argue that we haven't thrived. But goddamn, I know it looks fun, but it hurts. Can I say something, guys? I feel like language here maybe is a little bit of an obstacle, I feel like language here maybe is a little bit of an obstacle that it that language is being used as a way of keeping me at bay and keeping you at bay from each other. Maybe we could just go into because you were talking about different modalities and the modality of power and the modality of connection.

Maybe we could go to a kind of vibrational modality where you just make the sound of how you're feeling because I feel that the words you're using are actually masking more than they're revealing so if you were to make a sound about how you're feeling today i was to say penis like you did before yeah this guy oh don't use the words you're using use the word i'm using penis and septum two of the most foul words in the english language again i feel like this is a defense tactic like if i were to make this sound yeah okay yeah make a sound please show me what a sound is we go oh that's how i feel right now that's your feeling being on the show that's the sound at this moment kevin turn the tiktok camera on don't do that kevin turn the tiktok camera on on. This will be a clip. Cousin Kevin. Cousin Kevin.

Turn the TikTok camera on. Turn the TikTok camera on because this is going to be isolated. So, Zach, great. We've introduced this. So, you'd like to make a sound that represents how you feel on the show. Can we get the sound one more time? I already did it and it's now a different sound. Can I hear it one more time? It's different now.

It's probably changed a little bit. Another sound? Okay, I'll try. I can do it. Is the TikTok camera on? Okay, I'll do a sound for how I feel about the show. Yeah. Fuck this.

Fuck this. That is language. Those are words. Okay, let me try again. Fuck this. I'm sorry. I'm trying to be... I'm making a joke and it's stupid.

Let me just... I'll make a real sound. Yeah. Ugh. Ugh. Yeah. Oh, oh, okay. Okay. Okay.

My turn. Here's my sound for how I feel right now. Is the TikTok camera on? Yes. Stop asking that. Okay. Hmm. Can we go back to words?

I immediately regret this idea. Well, I guess I'm going to have to make a sound too. For you didn't. And now I've got to make a sound. Baba Booey. Am I right, guys? That's how you're feeling is Baba Booey? Baba Booey, yeah.

Listen, before we got on the show and if anyone if we get in trouble for having a tiktok camera you hear like what is a tiktok camera it's coming down on the camera off because while we talk about this yeah i do not want to get in trouble what is it is it a chinese is it because of chinese jesus christ that's thank god we had the camera off what are you talking this is the whole issue that it's an intelligence risk they just passed a bill in congress because they said they they were worried about chinese intelligence what are you talking about don't make me feel like i'm on cocaine you're on penis cocaine okay wait a minute i'm no longer talking to leadership rank and file i am now talking to i don't know what rfk's damn running mate over here about rfk's

running mate i'm not rfk's running mate that's aaron rogers or whoever i don't remember who he chose i mean geez louise it's out of context some of what you're saying is not going to make the greatest presentation we'll keep it in context and the tiktok camera is for taking things out of context that's why we have it well we turned it off what is that what is it actually i kept it on yeah kevin i thought you were a lighthouse in the storm of penis cocaine. And it turns out that you were just more penis cocaine. Let's just say hypothetically, okay? Just so we can kind of close this avenue of discussion. Let's say hypothetically that someone was doing cocaine in their penis.

It would still just be normal cocaine. Well, that's bad news for you because you'd want it you'd want to find a finer grind sure would but we can't have everything in this world can we intelligentsia is right across the street you could have they have very sophisticated coffee grinds you could theoretically i take it into the trader joe's thing so it's mixed with coffee yeah yeah i go well i go to the you know where you can like make your own like nut butter uh-huh yeah i run it through like the cashew butter grinder just at a farm no no no just a grocery store like a safeway or something yeah they don't all have those but

the good ones do so guys uh are we in the promo phase for the show still like with streaming the calendar's a little longer isn't it it's a longer tail on the promo phase to be honest I'm less on to promote the show and more just to have an experience with two

you know luminaries in the field and that's why I'm here. Well, that's more like it. We started there. Yeah. Instead of all the accusations and all the like. Yeah. Is the network happy that you're not interested in doing promo for the show?

I haven't talked to them about it. It's not that I'm active. Are they happy about that? Yeah. Are they happy that you haven't talked to them about doing promo for the show? Are you happy about it? Seems like they should be talking with you. I feel fine about the level of communication I have with the network.

Which is none. Not a lot at the moment, but there's not a lot to talk about. I got a bone to pick with the Peacock app. Okay, yeah. I'm not a spokesperson for the Peacock app, but go ahead. So if you get these apps on your TV, Smart TV or Roku, something like this. Okay.

Those are different, but yeah. Or maybe they're not. They don't have to be, but anyway. So I'm just creating an image. Yeah. Sorry. So you can get like an app for NBC. Right.

The NBC app has the logo. It has a peacock, a multicolored feather design. Right. Or you can get an app for NBC Sports separately. It has the word sports in like sort of a script writing, and then it's got a multicolored peacock design. Then there's a third app they have this one's called peacock it has the word peacock no fucking logo does not use because has

has four or whatever uh multi-colored dots on the side so it's like can we re-evaluate this like who came up with this the same guy who decided to put the thing in that stuff and have it get all over those i mean really and with worse results by the way because i actually uh uh do like some of uh how that can be but i saw the background on your ipad was alex jones it was just a picture of alex jones holding a stag's head and i thought well that's i must be ironic don't look at his ipad yeah just because he carries it around loose that was weird already when he's outside i don't know how to turn the screen off and i can't find a case that fits it. They're standard size. Obviously, people are going to see. Not in my experience.

So people are going to see the background. By the way, you can't pick the background. You can't change the background. It came from the store with that? I didn't get it from a store. Do you get it from a friend? Maybe he's my friend it's like we don't like think about it that way right we just trade stuff i just meet him and we trade what did you have to give to get that ipad cow skin rug I guess that's probably a reasonable

trade financially cow skin rug how do you guys make a living well we don't if the interviews keep going like this I mean people really rely on this show what peacock category are you in on the menu

looks like Ralph but it's actually pronounced Ralph People really rely on this show. What peacock category are you in? On the menu. I assume we're in comedy. Ralph Fiennes. Looks like Ralph, but it's actually pronounced Ralph. I think it's Ralph, right? Ralph Fiennes or Ralph Fiennes? It's Ralph Fiennes. Which category are you under? I think we're just under comedy. To the nights you can't remember and the friends will never forget.

There is no comedy one. It might be that then. Okay. To the nights we'll never remember and the friends we'll never forget. There is no comedy one. It might be that then. Okay. To the nights we'll never remember and the friends we can't forget. Yeah. That's a nice one. It might be under that. That's a fun one. Yeah. That one's really good. The office is in that one. Oh good. Rather have a

bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. That's a good category yeah yeah i'd rather that is a good that's on the peacock app that's on the peacock that's one of the categories yeah that's one of the categories for sure uh-huh yeah you guys are probably on that yeah parks and recs should we help you do a little promo i mean like should we like get the thing out let's just get it like while we're here. That's great. Get a couple quick hits.

Talk about some of your famous characters. Turn the TikTok camera on. I only play one character on the show, and that's Lorne Caspian, and he's the third most popular host at NPR, interview host. Think it might be helpful. Not to C.S. Lewis.

C.S. Lewis. What? A small nod to C.S.wis and our influences are everywhere yes they bleed into oh because of caspian like prince caspian from people think it's fun to like be be this smart uncover these stuff out there in the world and people are like incredibly painful it's incredibly painful to be as smart as you guys are caspy and the friendly ghost oh god you fucking idiot you idiot go eat dog food for dinner you know what i mean just let's just go like just go eat dog food say that's your dinner already like that's really what we're dealing with in terms of our listeners he met me in the parking

lot before i came in and he said hey man hey man what happened before i just want your listeners to understand what i'm walking into all this stuff he goes hey man hey man you want to go tell some hot hot hot babes the truth and i was like i don't know what that he goes come on let's go tell him the truth let's tell some pretty ladies the truth and well that is what we want to lie to them no i don't want to lie to them but i just didn't know what this man there's no context no hello he pushed me gently against my passenger door so what you want him to push you hard no i don't like everything is a criticism it's not a criticism i just feel that your listeners should know how endangered you are by your own next time you're here we'll freaking hip check you into the door that go wide as some hot babes.

That's not what I'm asking for. And unless this is on the TikTok camera that is deliberately removing context, I think people will understand that that's not what I'm asking for. Okay, well, yeah, I do have to acknowledge that the purpose of the show in some ways was to remove some of the mystification and obfuscation that happens around some of these concepts that we explore and in a sense that was you know in the shows for everyone it's not just for men um so like yes we we are intentionally telling the truth to hot babes i don't think i used that language, but I also probably did. Hollywood handbook. Be a better you in 2024 with Babbel,

the science-backed language learning app that actually works. Don't pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors or waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language and the question that i always get people stop me and they say like hey i like i i trust you i know like you when you endorse a product it's something that you really use and care about but there's one language i'm trying to learn and that's body language so can babble teach me body language? Yes. Babbel now has visual in-person lessons. Part of their quick 10-minute lessons that they do for other languages,

handcrafted by over 200 language experts to help you start speaking a new language in as little as three weeks. Babbel is designed by real people for real real conversations and that includes body-based conversations what does it mean when you drop someone off after a nice date and they turn around at the door and they take their little index finger and they kind of like draw it towards them they're pulling it what does that mean does their whole finger hurt i wonder if they spotted a spider web or something they're trying it what does that mean does their finger hurt i wonder if they spotted a spider web or something they're trying to pull down the spider down yeah but i've seen this too after a lot of dates and i need i need and have needed something like babble to figure out what the heck is this person doing with their finger because it looks like a it looks

like an emergency i know i was supposed to do something or how about those people that stand in the street they're kind of like they've got like almost like police clothes on it may be almost yeah and they're standing in the middle and as i'm driving and i'm cruising they're holding their hand up for like a high five almost and they're really aggressively like pushing it out i'm like am i supposed to drive get out of the car yes or just do it out the window as i'm going that's what i've been doing dangerous yeah but some of these very subtle body language cues have escaped me and many listeners, I'm sure. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations, which I have all the time, and delivered with conversation-based teaching so you're ready

to practice what you've learned in the real world. Studies from Yale, Michigan State University, and others, can't feel good to be others there, continue to prove Babbel is better. One study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college. Babbel has over 60 million subscriptions sold. All of their 14 award-winning language courses are backed by their 20-day money-back guarantee. Here's a special limited-time deal for our listeners right now. Get 55% off your Babbel subscription,

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Your bed plus one. That's the opposite of what this is supposed to do. It's supposed to help you stay fueled up and feel good all day long. A lot of lot of these i know give you a ton of energy they have like smoothies and things like that reservation for two me walking in my bedroom what's the second it's you and your bed bad i guess clippy fuel up fast with factors restaurant quality meals that are ready to heat and eat wherever you are pancake smoothies and more discover a wide variety of easy options for the entire day like breakfast mid, midday bites, and more. No, we didn't even...

This is not even up for consideration. So let's just hear what the actual meal was. What was the food? I don't want to go to bed. It's very simple. It's one huge chicken nugget. Sign up and save. We've done the math.

The fact is less expensive than takeout. Every meal is dietitian approved to be nutritious and delicious head to factor meals.com slash the boys 50 and use code the boys 50 to get 50 off that's code the boys 50 at factor meals.com slash the boys 50 to get 50 off well you know did you talk about some of your famous characters already i don't have famous kevin pull up the imdb and let's dig in you know let's let's get into some of zach's um that's not oh i guess that is mine oh my wife's a ghost is this your did somebody um did it is has anonymous been through here is this not not yours? No, that is mine. I was confused because I didn't recognize some of the credits.

Why can't I read the name under my wife the ghost? Geetz Wilson. Geetz Wilson, my wife the ghost. I don't remember. 2005. One episode. Can we talk to Geetz? No, because I don't remember who geats is or ever shooting it

or what this show is but i would look at the it was only one episode what's the second credit coke junkie i've never done anything junkie in a short called coke that's a biopic and yet you come to my show and lob wild accusations at everyone else that's your capote and the swans coke the tv short people think it's fun to be this smart you know i think you keep saying horrible for him i think you might what are you talking about capote the friendly ghost oh my god damn it get a big scoop of dog food and say that's your dinner just do it already look go up a little bit because this guy can't remember this far back a lot of this i remember now yeah some of it used to be torco the series you know it's kind of a fucking stretch don't we think all right douglas douglas douglas from the other oh i had one line in that so oh okay so you

had a line in that too like a line just like the short coke where you played the junkie this guy's got a lot of lines uh can i talk can i talk to you about Douglas? Sure. Yeah. What kind of whips this guy pushing around town? You mean like his car? What kind of wheels he got. Well, it was in New York, so he might be like a kind of like four, five, six train guy because he seemed like he would live on the Upper East Side. But again, it was one line, so I don't want to get too carried away with the backstory. What's his smoothie?

Everybody's got a smoothie. What's his order? Even if they don't want to get too carried away with the backstory what's his smoothie everybody's got a smoothie even if they don't drink it everyone has one i had one line where i just said my wife is dead i think that was my only line and so whatever you improvise that smoothie no that was in the script was she uh sort of a hot babe type the fictional wife sure i mean it's really in the imagination of the audience what her measurements Sort of a hot babe type? Mm-hmm. The fictional wife? Mm-hmm. Sure. I mean, it's really in the imagination of the audience. What? Her measurements? I didn't think about that. I didn't think about what my dead wife's measurements were.

That must have been a hell of a performance. I don't know if it was a hell of a performance. I see you played a character named Zach. That must have been tough. Funny or die presents? That. Funny or die presents. That's funny or die presents. Some Christmas this is. It's funny or die presents. Every box I open is either somebody trying to be funny,

some kind of dead goose or something, dead bug in the thing. What's your present this year? Funny or die? Sucks. Damsels in distress. Your character's Stuart in Funny or Die. The good enough, smart enough,

and people like me guy. You're talking about the Al Franken character. The affirmations, yeah. I'll tell you this guy's- Or the one who dances around and his mommy says, cut that out. The guy who says, look what I can do. No, that's a different one.

Stewie's mommy does not say cut that out. Stewie says cut that out to his mommy when he tries to actually commit matricide. People think that it's fun to be this smart. It's not. I sometimes, guys, when there's, as a kid, something would scare me sometimes, which is if I saw a balloon floating away into the sky and it got higher and higher and smaller and smaller i would almost get like a vertigo feeling like a fear of heights for the balloon you empathize with the balloon i could

imagine what it would be like oh my god i'm separated the pressure is changing i'm going higher and higher and i'm all by myself and you guys i'm are giving me that feeling do you find it easier to connect to inanimate objects than people? Depends on the people, but at the moment, yes. I feel like I have a better rapport with the physical microphone. Dandles in distress. Did you meet Mr. Whitney himself? Yes.

Whit Stillman? Whit Stillman. Whit Stillman. Yeah, I did. I'm surprised that you guys are. Did he happen to mention the time that his manager invited a young man into his office because he was a fan of his work and his writing? And then 10 minutes into the meeting realized he had intended to be meeting with hayes hargrove weirdly he brought it up he did mention that came up on the set of dambles

the manager then said but hey let's let's have this meeting let's continue the meeting what are you uh what are you up to what are you working on and the kid crushed it they did mention it they have a slightly you know all i guess all stories are subjective so they had a slightly different spin on the whole thing but sure sure his version his version and the truth right that's right that's right yeah rashy man rashy man what did he say uh he said you're he was like because i was like what does this have to do he came up and he was like hey i had this meeting once i thought i was meeting with the different haze and there was the wrong haze and then he just said you're not going to be like that right and i said i don't know i never like who he just said it was confusing he goes you're not gonna be like that guy and i was like i don't

manager the manager he's he all i know is there was someone he didn't want me to be like fuck up pretty good yeah ultimately it was for the best it sounds like he crushed it absolutely barreled it barreled it good like his yeah The character's name in that? Rick DeWolf? Yeah. Not bad. Thank you. DeWolf.

And a lot of damsels around? Ow. Ow. Mm-hmm. All those damsels around. DeWolf. Ow. Ow. Ooh. All those damsels around. The wolf. That sound feels more accurate to how you guys actually are.

A kind of anemic, but still sexually troubling wolf. I'm starting to wonder if it was a mistake, actually, to pull up your IMDB. I'd say undeniably. Yes. To pull up a boring website on a podcast that people can't see. I'm so over Hollywood.

Oh my god. I moved my entire life to Los Angeles to pursue this as my career. It's my whole It's so boring to me i heard a rumor that you guys were phony below you guys totally get arrested and released i think all this stuff is stupid and i'm smarter than it i heard i heard have i heard a rumor that you guys were arrested and releases for for bullying the old people at the motion picture turn the camera off turn the. Turn the TikTok camera off. No. Turn the TikTok camera off.

For people who don't know, outside of Los Angeles, there's an old age home for people who have been actors who worked in the industry. The motion picture. Some of them were actors. Yeah. Well, that's what they said. They said, let's see your-

Some of them were actors. Right, that you were asking to see people's IMDbs. They weren't all on camera talent. And some of them also were what they were doing in those movies was not acting so you were going to you were sort of doing a little bit of a check i'm just saying like it's very competitive to get in there and when something is competitive then every once in a while someone needs to get in there and fucking trim the fat because i want to make sure there's enough space for the people who really need that service,

which is it is a very nice home, which provides excellent care. Well, what I heard is that they said they found a woman. It's a kind of racism if you think about it. It's not a kind of racism. A guy who had, they said, they told me that if you don't think about it, then you, yeah, then you just dismiss it.

Okay, let me think about it for a second. Thank you. Yeah, I'm even more confident that it's not racism when they let the wrong people into the motion picture hall for the elderly and what i was told is that there was a woman with type 2 diabetes and dementia who they found at a tied to the back of a 7-eleven and then and that you because you which by the way not easy very tricky you need a lot of row surface yeah kind of poking out no well 7-Eleven's very wide you know what I mean just to tie someone as a board you know tied to the back of it is, ultimately, it is accurate, but you really have to tie them to the whole thing. You wrap them around. It's just not, yeah, it's not as simple.

No, it's the kind of job that once you start doing it and you go, like, I shouldn't even have started, you know, but then you're committed. Now that I've started, yeah. But you want to just clear space for the deserving. That's the idea. Yeah, I'm sorry. I mean, like, is that like, and without necessarily having anything to do with anything at 7-Eleven, the criminal act that's being described is wanting to make sure that the excellent care

which is provided at this facility is being given to the people who actually need it. Which you're saying is based on whether or not they were a good actor or not. What other criteria do I have to go off of? Do you think they should go off race? No. Well, it feels like you do because it's like... I just want to be really clear to your listeners.

I'm not advocating for a race-based admission criteria for the motion picture call for the LA race report. I never said that. He did say one before. Yeah, he did. I remember. He had concerns about Chinese intelligence. I didn't.

When you say it like that, it sounds like I had concerns about... I'm I didn't. When you say it like that, it sounds like I had concerns about... I'm saying it how you said it. I'm saying it how you said it. The TikTok camera got it right. It got it. Kevin. Scroll down, Kevin.

Scroll all the way down. We missed some. High Road, probably another one of these cocaine pictures. The third floor, that's the second screen experience maybe kind of mr glasses yeah who is who is your normal listener guys uh it's a low-income dog food eating zoo residents uh who you know hopefully is a zach woods fan because otherwise we got mr glasses the tv series yeah yeah and again you try to do and notice that one only lasted for one episode as well you try to do something smart this business you know you're just assuming it's smart because it's called

mr glasses you try to actually put something in front of people that's like a little bit elevated and something that like actually draws from erudite source material like mr glasses and this guy's playing architect one implying that there are multiple architects in this show and they say no thanks we'll take this movie two up that has a picture of freaking boobies in it can i ask you guys a question who was that whose boobies are those yeah boosoms uh i don't know i don't even know i've actually never seen that is the thing that gets you most sexually excited is is the stats are you a numbers guy doesn't hurt doesn't Doesn't hurt. Sorry if I'm intellectually aroused. That's not intellectual.

Except it does hurt. Certain stats can hurt you. He says it doesn't hurt, but some of the really big ones can hurt you. Can I try an experiment? Her measurements were 38. Something could fall on you or hurt you. 20, 14. She's sort of conical. Oh heard you. 20. 14.

She's sort of conical. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Okay, Rick the Wolf in the building. Okay, her measurements were 48, 39, 48. 50, 10, 50. 50 10 50 sexual intercourse american style the tv series so that's a straight up porno no all these tv series guys you seem so tired i i am getting actually worn out i had you have

one guest today it was so you have to do that sometimes well how can i let's let's shake the edges one for one for you one for them one porno that's not a bad approach to a career in hollywood one for you one for them one porno that's what jason schwartzman did to get his start one porno another porno well then you're just a porn actor i think but guys you reverse the order yeah can we just can we start fresh and just how can i help you make the best possible show let's start yeah what i mean you you said something earlier on that really caught my ear, which was that you felt that this was the most disjointed episode of the show that we had done, which means that you've heard other episodes

that you thought were, if not successful, at least coherent. I've heard you talk right here. That got me. Right in the breastplate, the bosom. I've heard you guys talk a lot about lizard brain at various points, and I thought that was pretty interesting. At various points. I mean, you're referring to 2015, but go on.

That's true. I just remember that part in particular because it was such an obsession, the lizard brain, and I just found it perplexing and interesting and i it's it's kind of a big takeaway for me well i mean this episode really has activated my lizard brain in many ways you know we've gotten into this you know animal sort of fear like because it it has been like we've been threatening each other basically you're trying to get me uh prosecuted for something that may or may not have happened at the hollywood old folks home and uh you know i'm turning on the tiktok camera and yeah this man swallowed a cricket

what you just swallowed a cricket yeah you know my siblings went to a quaker camp in vermont and on visiting day they would serve crickets or it fell in my mouth but i did swallow it fell from your hand into your mouth it fell from the ceiling into my hand into my mouth but you had had it was i was cupping my hands and it that it I could see that it was going to fall. And he had lassoed it with a piece of dental floss when he spotted it on the ceiling. And then you yanked it down and ate it. But you had like a Prairie Home Companion story or something.

No, it wasn't a Prairie Home Companion story. It was just about people would eat cricket at the visiting day of this camp. That was the story? Yeah, that was the whole story. That's the same as my story almost. Were we about to tell the same story? I was trying to connect with you.

I was like, oh, I know other people have eaten crickets. I was trying to dissipate the hostility. Oh, he started the story because of your story. That's awesome. Do you guys have kids? I feel like a mother. You know what? I just want to know how many people you've disappointed.

Pull up my IMDb. I'm kidding around with you. Bye. Hollywood Handbook. That was a HeadGum Podcast. I'm kidding around with you Bye