I Don't Know About That - The Best of IDKAT

Episode Date: June 28, 2022

With Jim still being on tour in Australia, we take a look back at some of the best moments of IDKAT as chosen by you, the audience! Our merch store is now live! Go to idontknowaboutthat.com for shirts, hoodies, mugs, and more! Subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/IDKAT for ad free episodes, bonus episodes, and more exclusive perks! Tiers start at just $2! Go to JimJefferies.com to buy tickets to Jim's upcoming tour, The Moist Tour.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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And you're about to find out why on this episode of, I don't know about that with Jim Jeffries. Yes, it is true. It is just me in here, but that's because Jim is still on tour in Australia. So what we decided to do in the meantime was to put together a best of episode

with moments chosen by you, the audience. Now, Jim, Forrest, and Kelly don't know I'm filming this intro and they don't know I'm wearing this hat. So I might get fired. Before I do, please enjoy the best of I Don't Know About That with Jim Jeffries. You really like this subject. Yeah, right.

So some people say it's porn. I'm going to say it. Because you said some people say it. I'm going to say that you're an expert in sexual health. No, no. Is that your guess? That would be awesome. I love how every time we tell him that he loves the category,

it's always porn. Okay, now wait a minute. If it's something I love, you invented pinball machines. You birthed my cat. Close second, yeah. Okay, you are wrong, Jim, as usual. I don't think you're ever going to get that right, but it's fun to play.

Liz Thorpe is an expert in cheese. In cheese. Cheese. I love cheese. I know. I love cheese. Cheese. Yeah. I love cheese. I know. I love cheese. Cheese porn isn't like real porn, but. Look, it is.

Why do you think they put the holes in the Swiss cheese? Biggest cheese there is, so. I'm lactose intolerant and I still eat it. I just muscle through. I eat cheese with the full. On the toilet. With the full knowledge that I'll shit myself an hour and a half later. No problem.

We're going to talk about you being lactose intolerant, Jim, but we'll get to that. I was going to say, you're going to blow your mind today. You're going to say that the cheese doesn't affect me. Well, hold on. No, I'm going to say it doesn't have lactose. Then why does the cheese make me shit? No, no, no. I have a theory, even though I don't know you that well.

I have a theory. Jim's not allowed to get any answers yet. Forrest, I'm sure, will like, you know. Because what happens is, what happens is, I drink like 10 lagers, right? And then I have a curry, and then I eat some ice cream afterwards, and I shit myself.

It's gotta be the ice cream. It's gotta be that ice cream. It's the ice cream. I don't know if you can see it in the shot now, but we have a plate of cheese in front of you too. We have gherkins here, little tiny gherkins. There's cheese, but there's also, I picked up the cheese.

No, we got some father beans there. No, no, no, those are almonds. Almonds. Those are Marconi almonds. I've never had this. Have one, they're really good. And then there's fig jam. How it got involved with cheese.

Oh my God, no, jam's so good with cheese. I like it, jam. How it got involved with cheese. Oh my God. Jam. Jam's so good with cheese. I like it. But how did it jump on the cheese bandwagon? Another one. Grapes. Who invited you?

Who invited grapes? I still eat them. And then walnuts are like this. Oh, I'm hanging out with grape. Every charcuterie board is just high. People figuring out all the food in their apartment. How those combos were invented is beyond me. I can tell you all day what this one is.

Okay, so you want me to give you multiple choice on that one? No, don't eat it for this one. Yeah, you got it? Yeah, yeah. What is it? Are you starting with number one? Number one, number one, number one. Mozzarella.

Yeah, but it's not just any mozzarella. I thought if we were going to do mozzarella we should make it count so it's a buffalo mozzarella so buffalo mozzarella is like the classic mozzarella di buffalo made in southern Italy and it's got twice as much fat as cow milk so make it count

I didn't know that that was actually from buffalo I had always heard it's buffalo mozzarella did you know it was from buffalo Jim or did you just think I'll get into that? I'll get in a little bit later, man. I don't want to touch my computer. It'll all go.

It'll all go. Now, we got more cheese over there. We got plenty over there. Number one mozzarella. Get the fuck out of here. Okay, number... No.

Number two. All right. Number two is... White and creamy. Give me brie. Give me brie. It's your white... It's your white creamy or all white creamy girl that's a lovely

cheese that lovely i'll give you all the names jim so you can get them like another time so okay number mozzarella as dessert jim is lactose intolerant okay we'll get that uh number three is um this is a cheese made from cow i know what this is all right okay wait so we we had some notes back and forth about how there are some... Jim, Jim. I'm getting a note. I'm sorry. One second.

I'm getting a note. Can you please hold the cheese up before you eat it for the camera? Oh, fuck. It's just shoving food into his face. It's fun to watch you shove it all in. Okay, I'm sorry, Liz. So this cheese is... No, no.

There are some cheeses that really smell like ass, and this is one of them. Oh, smell it, in. Okay, I'm sorry, Liz. So this cheese is... No, no, there are some cheeses that really smell like ass, and this is one of them. Oh, smell it, Kim. Give it a good smell, Jim. You've got to smell the cheeses. Yeah, you should smell them before you taste them. Hey, girls, just so you know, I'm not afraid of it. All right, so number five now.

I've heard of this kind. Like number five. This is from, this is a sheep milk one. Oh, yes. Hold it up for the camera, Jim. This is one of my gateway cheeses. This is the cheese that most Americans, this is one of the only sheep milk cheeses

that most Americans have heard of. And it's called manchego. And everyone wants to call it manchango. I'll guess it in a second. But it's manchego. And it's Spanish. She already said it. It's Manchego.

Like Che Guevara, not like Chang. So did you eat the rind? Because you're not supposed to. A little too late. I ate all of it. You ate the rind? Yeah. What should I expect?

Don't blame me for your gastrointestinal distress after this. Oh, my God. No, the rind is actually, it's not intended to be eaten. It's not going to hurt you, but it is made of wax. So when you get into a harder, more aged cheeses. I'm going to shit a candle. No, it's not. Well, yeah, I was going to say it'll all be like that.

Okay. Moving on. Number six. Just in general, Jim, hard aged cheeses, you probably don't want to eat the rind because the rind is like sitting on the outside of the cheese for three or four or six months or 12 months and it's generally just like... You do what you do, I do i'll do what i do how would a murder relate to a bee it's a male bee and it fucks the

queen okay i think we're done um i don't i don't know anything about bees yeah well you know i know okay i know okay so i know that they sting and they die i know that i always have like four of them in my swimming pool that i have to scoop out i know that i always have four of them like why is it we sent the pictures i don't i don't see other other bugs don't get in there but bees fuck me that's actually it's funny because i was at scott's this weekend we were in the pool and he's like what the fuck is with bees why did why are they always in water? I keep trying to save this guy. It's like cicadas and shit and fucking daddy long legs and spider. You never see a spider floating around. Fucking bees can't get enough of swimming pools.

Love swimming. I keep finding dead bees on my balcony. I don't know what to do about that. Okay, well, that's not swimming pool. I've been trying. Psycho, stop collecting dead bees. I've been trying to send you a message, Jack. My son swims around and he sees a bee and he's like, oh, dad, there's a bee in the pool.

The bee's very clearly dead. It's a very clearly drowned bee, but I have to go and scoop it out because I'm going to say, oh, no, dad, there's a bee. Why would they be in a swimming pool? Since we were talking about the balcony, is that a thing? People seem to think that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, actually, that's evidence that people might be urinating in that swimming pool. The bees love it. The bees are urinated in. Just fucking told on himself. There's like a hundred dead bees. That's sad. I have a small son. I'll urinate on it.

Wait, so they're attracted to urine? Yeah, well, I mean, they're attracted to water sources anyway. so it's possible they could just be going for it. But, yeah, they particularly love pools that are peed in. I also found 10 in my underwear. That's awesome. I didn't think there would be an actual answer to that. I thought the chlorine would kill that though they've got the well they kill the bees i said that that was all right you can do anything in

there the chlorine will now as we said we're doing something on alcohol we're already drunk there's no judging a book by its cover but we know what we don't we have no specialists we're going to do the history of alcohol how it's made, what it does. Kelly and I have looked up stuff. What we're going to start doing now is we're going to start drinking some more. We got a list here of all these different liquors. I must be drunk. I just said Kelly Bear.

At least it wasn't Brian. I've never had a nickname for you ever. Hey, Kelly Bear. Jim, you have this piece of paper? This piece of paper? piece of paper okay so these are all the liquors and beers and wine everything that's on this table in front of you in these mini solo cups okay so we have about 20 30 different things now what i want to do is i forgot we were doing this i'm gonna i want to see if you can if you can and we'll talk about

your answers to all the different liquors as we're doing them but i want to see if you can, if you can, and we'll talk about your answers to all the different liquors as we're doing them, but I want to see if you can tell what you're drinking, uh, just without us telling you what it is. So I'm going to say, say a number to Jack and you're going to, I'm going to pull, I'm going to pull my earphones off and plug my ears so that Jack can sit down the microphone. No, no, no. They're going to turn down your headphones. Okay. Yeah.

No, no, this is just the type of alcohol. I don't have to tell. Oh yeah. Taking the headphones off. All right, Jack, get him. The first one we're going to do is number seven. Number seven. You're not listening, Jim?

This is Bacardi. Number seven. Am I allowed to know the top of alcohol? Both whispering, Kelly. Am I allowed to know the top of alcohol? No no you got to tell us what type of alcohol it is yep it's good that's tequila okay that is rum that was wrong yeah rum yeah that was bacardi rum oh rum you were right about rum rum is sugar based

West Indies it is very popular in the West Indies because there's a lot of sugar cane grown there that's white rum that's Bacardi yeah we just said that did you drink the whole thing by the way I did drink the whole thing he took a shot of it next

the next one is number 6 are his headphones down yeah next okay the next one is number six is it are his headphones down yeah sailor jerry rum you gotta say the type rum

what do you got there that was um oh crushy oh god yeah what kind of alcohol was that that was a whiskey-based alcohol. I'm going to say that was bourbon.

That was rum, again. That was Sailor Jerry. One of your best rums. Sailor Jerry. Okay. It declines already. Do you think think you're gonna get any of these right no are you okay i'm okay okay okay what we're gonna do now we're gonna try different uh vodkas do you just say vodka is your favorite liquor vodka is the the drink of champions

we're gonna do wine yeah but 21 first i have a lot of opinions on wine okay we only we only have one wine and another thing you don't know me you know you know the problem with wine is i'm not a wine drinker it's like these people these people who buy expensive wine women drink more wine than men i don't know if that's a stat, but I feel like it's a thing. It sounds right. Anecdotally, that's true. It feels like it's a thing. But men are always the ones sniffing the cork and all that type of stuff.

Fuck off, you condescending little fuck. Okay. Women do it so they can sleep with people like me. And men do it just to be dickheads. All right. So drink the one in your left hand first. 21. 21.

21. So this is either going to be Wheatley or Tito's. Try that. And. 21. 21. So this is either going to be Wheatley or Tito's. Try that. And then try number 22. It's either Wheatley or Tito's. And is this vodka? Oh, don't fucking. All right.

There you go. And that's 22. Which one is Tito's? 21 or 22? 21 is the better one. Yep. And so that's Tito's? or 22 21 is a better one yep and so that's Tito's yeah that is wrong that is Wheatley that's a brand we've never heard of

well I guess we're not going to have Tito's as a sponsor but Wheatley give us a call we love you Jack now you have to do it sit here come and sit here why does he have to sit there come on sit on my lap.

Sit on my lap. Now, Jack, Jack, it's your birthday. You taste them. I'm not going to tell you. Close your eyes. Corona. Now, you tell me which one's better. Now, taste that one.

Don't open your eyes. All right. You remember what that one is? Yeah, I got it. Now, taste that one. Which't open your eyes. Alright. You remember what that one is? Yeah, I got it. Now tell us that one. Which one was better? Just pick one. Second one. That's Tito's. Jack's got a better

palate than you. More refined. Jack's got a more refined palate. Okay. Tequila. Unsolicited sponsor. Do you want to go tequila or whiskey gin next? Which one do you want? I don't more refined palate. Tito will give you my email. Okay. Tequila. Tito's is our unsolicited sponsor. Do you want to go tequila or whiskey gin next? Which one do you want? I don't give a fuck. Okay, we'll go whiskey.

This will bring us to what is the difference between whiskey, bourbon, and scotch. So we're going to do, get the two whiskeys out there right there. We've got, if you can hold up those bottles too. We've got Jack Daniels. I've already embarrassed myself. And we've got Evan, what's the other one called? Evan Williams. They look the exact same. Yeah. They clearly were like Evan Williams. They've already embarrassed myself. And we've got Evan. What's the other one called? Evan Williams. They look the exact same.

Like they clearly were like, they're not even trying. Evan Williams was like, yeah. Hey, what are you talking about? We're not the same bottle. Like this.

One's intolerable. One's intolerant. You've drank plenty of, of, of Jack Daniels before. I don't know if you've had Evan Williams before, so we're going to, Jack Daniels,

my jam. We're going to need number 14 and 10. Okay. And while we're doing that, I'll know this. I've drank gonna Jack Daniels my jam we're gonna need number 14 and 10 okay and why we're doing I know this I've drank enough Jack Daniels to have enough okay um so which one did you drink first what number number 14 okay then give it another sip of number 10 there. I don't. We should have brought a blood alcohol.

Oh, we should have brought a blood breathalyzer. Fuck. Number 14 went down easier. Yeah. I don't know if that means it's right. I'm going to say number 14 was Jack Daniels. That's correct. You got one right.

Great work. Now, blow in the Jack's face and I'll tell you how drunk you are. No, I'm going to say number 14 was Jack Daniels. That's correct. You got one right. Great work. Now, blow in the Jack's face, and I'll tell you how drunk you are. No, I'm kidding. Don't do that. Jack, I just want to hold off somewhere. For all the people out here who think I'm a pussy, Jack just offered me water, and what did I... I gave you go-fuck-yourself eyes, didn't I? Yeah.

Go-fuck-yourself, Jack. I'm not going gonna fucking drink your water about the puddle that your brain's in yeah it's dehydrated it's turning into a raisin but just pour it on his head i don't i don't i don't cross my legs this way because it feels good on my vagina jack you have a vagina that's a joke okay shut up yeah that was a joke tip just to all my fans i want you to know that these are regular-sized bottles, but I'm a giant. I literally said that yesterday at bed mo.

I go, let's get the little bottles, and Jim couldn't talk about how he's a giant. There's very few joys in this life than holding a little tiny bottle and acting like you're a giant. Tequila, you said, comes from the agave plant, which is correct. Mezcal is also made from agave. You said middle mexico i mean jalisco sort of yeah jalisco is the state

that all tequila has to be produced in for an order to be called tequila i don't know about that no it's true mezcal can actually be produced in other regions of mexico and still be called mezcal but it's still specific to certain regions and And you are right. It has a smokier flavor. I do not like mezcal. For some reason, when I drink it, my taste buds perceive it as a medical taste. How I envision plastic band-aids would taste,

that's what mezcal tastes like to me. That's what they're going to give you when you give birth. I am not going to be giving birth. Okay, so one and two are tequilas. One of these... If I have enough of to be giving birth. Okay, so one and two are tequilas. One of these is... If I have enough of these shots, Kelly. One of these...

Kelly Bear. One of these is... Kelly Bear. Come here, Kelly Bear. Let me put a baby inside you. Funny because it's true. Do you know who owns Casamigos or is one of the owners? George Clooney.

There you go. Which leads me to our next thing. We have a list of celebrities that there's a lot of celebrities that have ownership or branding of liquors. Too many celebrities. Way too many. Pitbull has a vodka. Yep. It's called Volley 305.

And it's a vodka made in Miami. So it can't be good. Yeah. At this stage, I would like to advertise. Get one of that vodka. Oh, we should make that.

Oh yeah. You could make it. New merch idea. There's no problem with making that. Yeah. I mean, well, there's a problem.

We don't have a distillery, but other than that, we got it. We're smearing off into tiny bottles and sell them on the internet so pitbull's uh pitbull's vodka is called voli 305 and it's said to be distilled 17 times and filtered through a freeze filter a gravity filter a coconut filter and maybe a filter oh this is a joke made of reflective sunglasses yeah he's he's from fucking flor. He gets refined over bath salts. The number one ranked celebrity alcohol is Marilyn Manson's Absinthe. Yeah.

And we must try that. Couldn't find it yesterday. Couldn't find it at Bethel. Shocking. But we're going to need to find that. It's called Mansinthe. And it's, he's. We can all drink it and try to suck our own dicks. I always like Jodi Ari's vodka swimming pool.

No, is that Casey Anthony? Fuck that joke up. I've been drinking. Feel free to grab another liquor and tell us what number it is and see if you can guess what it is. Give me a liquor. Here's one. Here, I got one.

This is just a regular bottle of wine. Okay, here I am. Here I am. Piss break. here's one here i got one this is just a regular bottle of wine okay everyone you're one yeah piss break wait wait just guess the bottle of wine before your piss break hold on because it'll be we'll stop there get back on put the headphones on four million no no no this is it's called it's an 1811 chateau de wiquim. The slope. What is the price? I mean, he's a fucking sloth. I mean. He's a sloth.

It's $130,000. Nah, I could get that. If you guys want to watch this extended footage, we'll put it on Patreon. This would be a good week to watch this on YouTube. Okay. And he's back. So let's give you one more liquor,

and then we'll start wrapping this up. I think we're good here. What is he not? Oh, here you go. Here's one you should more liquor and then we'll start wrapping this up. I think we're good here. What is he not? Oh, here you go. Here's one you should enjoy. Number 26. Give that to Jim there, Jack. Number 26.

This is a liqueur. This is easy. Yeah, you should get this one. No problem. No problems. 26. There you go. This is one that you should definitely get sick off of if you drink too much.

Barbel. Nope. Goldschlager if you drink too much. It's Bible. Nope, Goldschlager. It's got the cinnamon shit in it. Yeah, but it's got the little gold flakes in there. You didn't see them? Ah. Ah. Quick, quick, Jack.

Get him number 35. Wash that down. Number 35 is one of our only wines that we have here. It's from a great vineyard called Barefoot. Now, if you know anything about barefoot what is it about three dollars a bottle uh that was about eight dollars it's a white wine i don't drink wine it's a white wine barefoot's a shitty wine right yeah barefoot's definitely like the the value brand um but it also you you remember the awards for us. Oh, yeah.

It won 2016 at the Indianapolis International Wine Festival. So you know it's pretty good. It's called Barefoot. Yeah. Even when you mix it with something, it's just called Barefoot and Pregnant. Yeah. All right. So grab a drink, whatever you want, Jim.

We'll tell you what it is. We're going to wrap this up. Just give me a fun one, Jake. They're all fun oh wait 15 is the gold bar give them that one oh yeah gold bar 15 gold bar whiskey 25 is old smoky moonshine

did you know that was a moonshine guys watch this episode on YouTube do not fuck this up so I have a couple of fun facts dinner party party facts that I try to find. Oh, my God. Give it back to me, Jack. I don't want it again.

I'm joking. Here's the two. Fifteen. Yeah, the gold one is the gold bar. It looks like a gold bar. There it is right there. You sure you want to have a barbecue at your house after this? All right.

So our dinner party facts. One of the facts that I thought was interesting is during Prohibition, the U.S. government poisoned alcohol to discourage alcoholism, killing as many as 10,000 people. Jim's dead. Yeah. We may have poisoned Jim. What have we done to this beautiful home?

Are you okay, Jim? You don't know me. Here's another dinner party back. The melody that Francis Scott Key assigned accompanied the lyrics of the Star Spangled Banner was a popular English drinking song called To Ancrian in Heaven. Did you know that?

Yep. Oh, you did? Sure, sure. I sent Heaven. Did you know that? Yep. Oh, you did? Sure, sure. I sent that to you. You did? Yeah. It was in one of the things I sent. Here's the drinking song.

Sing along, Jim. It sounds like a... Drinking and fun. What are you doing? It's a drinking song Wait, so what's based off of this? The Star Spangled Banner? It doesn't even sound like the Star Spangled Banner

Listen to it, listen The stars were so there That's how you got the national anthem That's what he said, he took the same key Yeah, there you go, hear it Got drunk in the day That's what he said. He took the same key. Yeah, there you go. Hear it? Got drunk in the day. And we watched. Oh, I am so wasted.

I don't care if my wife's home. You don't care if your wife's home? For the land of the wee. What's going on? You don't care if your wife's home. For the land of the wee! What's going on? There you go. All right. I think that's it.

I think we're good. We're a top 100 podcast. Okay, so today's subject is... We've got Jay here. We could have done the life and times of Jay Leno, which would have been interesting, but we're going to do cars. Alright. No one knows more about cars than Jay Leno. I have been to Jay Leno's garage. You have how

many cars? There's about 190 cars, about 169 motorcycles. Holy shit 190 cars. Yeah it gets a little crazy. Do you drive each one at least once a year? Oh more than that. There's not enough days in the fucking year to do them all twice.

Okay, I don't know how many days there are in Australia. Least here there's 365. Maybe in Australia it's 180 because it's halfway around the world. I don't know. But it's 365 where I come from. That leaves me. How many days extra that leaves me? I got 190.

Look how many extra days I got. Yeah, but you can only drive all of them 1.8 times. There you go. That's math. No, no. You can drive as much as you want. It's America. You're not in Perth now.

That's true. In Perth, we have five cars that we all share. That's right. Exactly. That's why the traffic is delightful over there. So on Jay's show, Jay Leno's Garage on CNBC, you drove an electric Corvette. I did.

I almost had a car accident and killed Jay. They told us to do a U-turn and I didn't look and I was driving and the follow truck that was filming us were there and I just swished around and we almost got T-boned. I don't think it made the episode but i i i can't apologize enough it was it was terrifying and now he's doing this podcast haven't you been punished enough one of those things is if they t-boners i'm not going to make the news for my death it's just going to be all about him i'll just be the arsehole who killed him right leno as a

leno who walked away an unknown man was leno who walked away, an unknown man was... Lennon who walked away from the crash. We dedicated the episode to him. And then also like Jeff Jeffries. And one day I was doing a show, a corporate show for McDonald's. The guy goes, hey, JL, thanks for doing it. He gives me a bunch of these Happy Meal coupons. You should... Fuck his coupons. You should.

Fuck his car collection. You should see his little toy collection from McDonald's. No, no, but you know as a comic, you're always broke. So free food is like a psychological thing. You just, somebody's giving you food. Before you got money, you got food, right? That's right. That was the first paycheck I ever got was a free food. So anyway, so I did this show at McDonald's, you know, a big thing.

And the guy goes, hey, here's a money. I go, okay, thanks. So I got in my bag. So I pull into McDonald's in the SLR Mercedes. Now, that's a half-million-dollar car, and it's got the doors that come up. You know, I go in. So I pull in, and I says to the guy, did you have me? The guy goes, what's that?

He goes, I said, yeah, let me have two happy meals. He goes, you know, we only have, we're only allowed one happy meal. So I said to him, I said, well, that's fine. He goes, no, no, I recognize you, Ms. Nott. Wait here, let me get the manager. I go, well, don't get the manager. No, just wait here.

So now the manager comes out and he goes, what is it? He said, oh, Ms. Leno, please pull up here. Please pull off to the side. Now, beep, beep, people are honking because they're waiting, people are waiting. So, okay, so I pull off to the side. Now the door comes up.

Now a crowd comes out. I go, what's that with the door up? And the guy's saying, Mr. Leno, normally we don't allow more than one Happy Meal. And I hear people going, that's fucking Jay Leno arguing about a Happy Meal. I'm not arguing. I'll just take the one Happy Meal and come back.

No, we're going to do it this one time. Normally, it's like this whole big deal. It's one time. No, I mean like. You better enjoy this. I knew he'd be back if he got it this one time. So stupid. Just an idiot.

The, whoops, this thing just reset. Sorry. It's the poor workman who blames his tool. Look, I didn't say I was good at this. You don't have to convince me. Um, let's introduce our guest. Guest time. Guest time. Get your guests here. That's my our guest. Guest time. Guest time.

Get your guests here. That's my new thing. I'm going to act like a paper boy from the 1950s every now and again. We got guests. We got papers. I think it's going to be a big hit. I wanted to be like a German soldier that was like when he asked for papers, was like, papers, you got your papers.

German. You know when the Germans, papers, have you got your papers? Like all the the german papers have you got your papers like all the nazis whenever they went through papers papers i'm glad you look up to these guys yeah but i would i would have one that was like a newsie for the 1950s hey all you uh prisoners of war papers you got your papers they think they're just getting a newspaper but really they're being arrested that's how they catch them okay all right so let's try this again let's introduce our guest um please welcome to the i don't know about that podcast josh willis um hello josh hello i'm looking i'm looking at you is it josh or is that the name that elvis took when he didn't die okay so if uh you're not old enough but i do have a question about elvis impersonators

hold on if you're listening why are they all older than when elvis died there's no young elvis impersonators why don't we have a young elvis he's dressed like elvis presley that's what i wanted the people to know you just started talking about elvis like a crazy person and everyone everyone impersonates elvis is fat old elvis no one goes i'm gonna do young elvis i'm gonna do the one where he just wore a nice shirt and pants and shaked his dick around you know he used to have like a

he used to have because they called him Elvis the pelvis and they had to film him from the waist up he used to tie a bit of string with a cork

on the end of his dick right so that when he swang it looked like he had a big ass dick swinging around right and so they called him

Elvis the pelvis and then the Ed Sullivan show they said no more from the waist down the American youth are getting too sexually whatever so they just they just did him Elvis the Pelvis. And then the Ed Sullivan show, they said, no more from the waist down. The American youth are getting too sexually whatever. So they just did him from the top and he went like that. So our guest is dressed like Elvis.

Dressed like Elvis. And this is a part of the podcast, Judging a Book by Its Cover, where you try to guess what our guest is an expert in based on just looking at them. You can ask yes or no questions. Are you an expert in um based on just looking at them you can ask yes or no questions are you an expert in elvis i am not you have quantum physics have just have just appeared when i say quantum physics quantum physics you have math equations and i'm like quantum physics just appeared in the background you look like you look like what they put behind stephen hawking's

to flash him up a bit when he was giving a speech. When they were like, oh God, Stephen doesn't look very intelligent. Put some mathematical equations whizzing past him. So when I was a kid, you guys were obsessed, environmentalists were obsessed with,

oh, the Amazon, the Amazon, we're losing a football field a day. I haven't heard about the fucking Amazon for years. And then came the ozone layer. Oh, the Amazon, the Amazon. We're losing a football field a day. I haven't heard about the fucking Amazon for years. And then came the ozone layer. Oh, the ozone layer, the ozone. Oh, fuck off. The Amazon's fine. Anyway, so the ozone layer happens.

Oh, my God, the ozone layer. And then global warming happens. And I stopped hearing about the fucking ozone layer. You are this close to having a whole bunch of gorillas coming and killing us where we don't have to hear about global warming. Gorilla stampede. You're a gorilla stampede away from being away from a job, my friend. So why don't we hear about the ozone layer?

Because you just said it wasn't that bad. Or the Amazon. Amazon. Was the Amazon fine? Well, sure. Yeah, no, no. The Amazon's definitely not fine. And it's contributing to global warming because they're cutting down trees and burning them.

They keep on saying a football field a day. A football field a day. Yeah. Right? Yeah, how many fucking football fields are there? Oh, that was the 1980s. It should be done by now. A football field a fucking day.

How small do you think the Amazon is? How many days do you think there are in a year? 365. That's 322 football fields a year. Oh, yeah. Australian calendar. You know what I'm saying? That's at least one acre, right?

A year. And we still have Amazon. Yeah, it's big. In fact, Amazon's more profitable than it's ever been. Amazon's in its prime right now. If it's so bad, why would you name a company after it? Let him explain.

Let him explain. Shut up. Buy all your needs at Holocaust.com. Global warming is definitely worse. Jim doesn't normally heckle the experts. He's wearing an Elvis come and say, hey, he's wearing an Elvis outfit. How dare anyone come on the show dressed like Elvis

and go, they didn't take me seriously. He can handle it. You at the beginning said you believe climate change is happening, you like science, and everything you've said since then has been anti-science. Devil's advocate. Okay. That's okay, Joe.

I appreciate it. We need the devil's advocate because we're not the real problem with science is a newspaper explaining it the real problem is what is we're not very good at explaining it okay explain explain i'm gonna shut up explain it yeah because often you're not gonna shut up you know you're not gonna shut up often in the comments people go like this they go jim doesn't let the expert because you know you haven't let him speak i I'm about to do it. I'm introducing a time.

You've interrupted him 10 times. I'm introducing a time. You've interrupted him 10 times, and I guarantee you're going to interrupt him again. Your math's no good. 10 times. 15 or 16 or something. All right, Josh. Go ahead.

10 times, you fucking idiot. I have to start off by saying I dislike Thanksgiving. I think it's stupid, and I've tried to do it several times because I have an American child. I chip in, and it's not a good meal, and it's just the fucking amount of washing up afterwards. It's just dish after dish after dish, and it's just like nothing really compliments each other

than these random things that are thrown in there. And, oh, fuck me. What's random? I put a lobster bisque out because I bought a fucking terrine. I bought a terrine that had turkeys on it. I thought I was drunk or something. What's a terrine? It's like a big bowl you put in the middle and it looks like all turkey and autumny.

By the way, okay, American seasons. Everything's wrong. Australia's got it, right? The world should live in the southern hemisphere or flip there because our school year goes from January to December. Makes fucking sense. Our tax year goes from January to December. All these things.

When you get a gift at Christmas when you're in Australia and you get a skateboard, you know what you do? You go outside and fucking ride on it. You don't go in a few months when dad shovels the snow, we'll get the skateboard out. Do you know how many people haven't been able to get home for Christmas in Australia? None.

There is no movie of people going, oh, we're all stuck. Every year, every fucking year, you don't learn. I watch American News and it's Thanksgiving, and it's like, and these people won't be getting home for Thanksgiving. And they're all sitting around the airport fucking miserable you you want to all travel during the higher snow days mental mental also it's too close to fucking christmas it's too close you fucking you have thanksgiving and then it's christmas like if you're a student and you're living in some university

you've got to come home for thanksgiving then you fly back for a couple of days. Then you come back again. Or what? You stay a fucking month with your parents? That sucks, dicks. He did this whole rant to a 17-year-old on a golf course the other day. Always on his mind. Jack has a segment for us, a new segment. What's it called, Jack? Forrest is going to introduce it today. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. How was I going to introduce it today. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. How was I going to introduce it? I don't know. Wow.

The prep here is incredible. It was something, you know, people last week in Comment World, people had commented and sent tweets saying that we were bullying you. And I said, you should get back at us. You should have a roast of the I Don't Know About That podcast. I'm going to name it. It's called You Don't Know Jack Shit. Yeah, there you go.

I dressed up for the occasion. Yeah, yeah, put a blazer on. That'll stop you getting bullied. I'm going to stand up like they do in the other roast. I've got my podium. You're hunched over now. Well, this is how they do it. I feel like everyone's hunched over at the podium.

Yeah, terrible posture is always the best way to start a roast. I am. We tested it out. You did a hunch? Oh, you came in early for this. No wonder you were standing like that when I watched it. He's written jokes down. He's got a lot of clipboard.

So Jack's going to roast us, which is a form of bullying. I'm the only person who employs you in the room, by the way. I understand. That's why yours is the longest. I try to get you laid, laid though so keep that in mind hey how hard have you tried have you fucked him there's an extra step you could go yeah you got us almost kicked out of uh what was jones on third or whatever ah okay i try to get laid on jones on third third? I was helping him flirt with a girl, and then it got really messed up. You were like, hey, you tried the roast beef sandwich?

I like spicy mustard. What do you like? Hold on, I'm supposed to be doing the roast beef. Do you want a song for the roast? Hey, welcome to the first annual I Don't Know About That roast. Don't do that. Here's your host, Jack Hockett. Hey, everybody. It's me.

Oh, well, Kelly's here tonight with all of her tattoos on display. I mean, geez. Kelly's got more ink than a fountain pen. I feel like I could kill an afternoon with just one of your arms and a ball of silly putty. Oh.

Wait, explain. You got something to drink like newspapers and silly putty. You can pick the ink up. Damn, I'm never going to live that down. Just kidding. Thanks for coming out. You're a good sport. Kelly's got more tattoos than a cave.

What's his voice? It's my roast voice. I'm from a fryer's roast. Hey, Forrest is also here. You know, he just rescued a dog, and he has to teach it how to be less aggressive towards people, which can't be going very well. Forrest teaching how to be nice?

What's next? Force teaching portion control? That's a good one. I can hear you're down some pounds giving those vegan candy bars. You had a vegan candy bar when you played golf. It was a protein bar. It was that good.

It's pretty good. Pretty good. It's not great. It's not as good as a real candy bar, and it's pretty good. It's dense. Yeah. And finally, the man of the hour, Jim.

One joke each? You got to get two in there. Okay. Okay. That was a good one. It was better than Kelly's. You know, it's been great getting to know you over the past few years,

but Jim, I got to say it. You're a baby. And I mean that in the technical sense, because like a baby, you spill food on yourself. You throw tantrums. And every time someone shows me a picture of you, I have to pretend you're cute

and not a whiny blob that shits itself. That's a good one. I will be honest, Jim. It was hard coming up with a roast for you because I didn't want to offend you. You got such thin skin. And to be honest, I don't know what's thinner. Your skin or your hair.

Oh, wow. That was really mean. That was very hurtful. Took it too far. That was very hurtful. I'm kidding. Whatever you're doing is working. You're a bald, thin-skinned person. That really hurt. Someone needs to bully Jack.

Let's read an ad. Jeez. That really hurt. Someone needs to bully Jack. Oh, my God. Let's read an ad. Do you need to pick me up this Valentine's Day? It's me birthday. Free stuff is the best. Oh, fuck me. So we have this segment of our show called Dinner Party Facts, where like our guest gives our listeners, viewers, like some sort of interesting or obscure fact that they can or it can be multiple ones, too, if you have more than one to, you know, impress people if the subject ever comes up at some sort of function or something. So do you have anything for us for that?

Me? Yes, I do. But this is very tricky. So I'm going to do my best. I hope I don't get us all canceled. But this is something I just learned. This is just something I learned. This is, I learned it during Black History Month, which was last month.

And that is of the 12 million slaves that were brought out of Africa and brought to the new world. I can already tell this is going to be very funny. It's just a fact. It's just a fact. Is Mark Twain coming back into this? Suddenly break. How many came to the United States of the 12 million?

Wait, is this have to do with comedy? No, it's just something he's passionate about. Out of the 12 million slaves, I'm going to say 3 million? Is everyone else going to guess? All 12 million. All 12? No, some of them went to Holland. Some of them like prices right. Some of them went to Holland. Some of them went to Britain.

Some of them went to... I'm going to go six. Million or six? Six million. Okay. I'm going to go six. 380,000. Well, so you... I don't know if you know what to do with that fact. I thought it was going to be like half of fact. I thought it was going to be like half of them. I thought it was going to be half and the rest went to like Brazil or

something like that. Okay. Well, the dinner party facts, we usually keep it on the same topic. I'm sorry. I didn't know that. Sorry.

I was so intrigued though. How is this going to relate to comedy? Anyway, by the way, this is why I don't get invited to dinner. Out of those 380,000, there was four stand-up comedians. I don't know what that's going to be. I swear I don't know that. Something from your book. I'll give you a crazy stand-up comedy fact, all right?

I'll give you a crazy stand-up comedy fact, right? In 1978, when David Letterman did his first set on The Tonight Show, he was guest hosting the show a little over two months later. Oh, really? That's pretty crazy. That's pretty crazy. So wait, so he did this set and then he liked him so much, he was like, come back and host. Well, Carson, yeah. Well, don back and host. Well, Carson. Yeah.

Well, I don't forget. I mean, Carson loved Letterman because they were both like Midwest comedians. Like they're both ones from Indiana. He's from Nebraska. So it was like he just loved him right out of the gate. And that was like the same thing with Letterman and Gaffigan. You're just talking about because Letterman was a huge fan of Gaffigan. Same thing like Midwest, Indiana.

I know that he had him on the show a lot. Yes, yeah. Yeah, I do think he, I mean, he liked it a lot. I mean, you know. Of course. Did Carson ever have any stand-up specials, like records or anything? Nope.

I mean, they did, they put out an album of just like audio tracks off the, first of all, I'm shaking that I made that mistake with the dinner party thing. Honestly, it's going to go down in history as the best one we've ever had. I literally thought it had nothing to do with the topic.

Oh my God, you idiot. Give us another one. Give us another one from the book. That's all the Black History stuff. I meant another one from the book. I started laughing, no. That's all the Black History stuff. No, no. I meant another one from the book. I started laughing so hard. He's like, so I learned this during Black History Month. I'm like, where are we going?

You got anything on the Holocaust? The train is leaving. Am I good at this? Am I good at this? If a train is leaving Auschwitz, that's who we are. So, no, that's my fact's my fact that that is very impressive that is very impressive that's the one that everyone will remember all right well the book is called the history of stand-up literally okay just so you know

this was pitched to me this was pitched like we're having a dinner conversation after the podcast. We're all going to have fun facts. That's fun? Let's have your fun facts. I guess we could have made it more clear on the call yesterday. $380,000. I'm looking forward to your dinner this is a lovely meal

February's just passed oh no what did you learn this time hey Leroy you might like this can you pass the potatoes please I have an incredible story. Oh, fuck. The worst. Good news, arse fans.

Are you into arse? Do you like arses? The CDC previously declared arse eating as not COVID safe. What? Is this an ad? Yes, it's real. This is exactly how it came in. When Luis read it to me earlier, I was like, wait, what?

This is a prank, right? Arse eating is not safe. You're not meant to eat arse. But thanks to the aggressive vaccine rollout, we're approaching herd immunity and our goal of 69% vaccination rate. Nice. Nice. What's wrong? 69. 69%. Nice. Nice. Oh, yeah. Is that what you said vaccination rate. Nice. What's wrong? 69%.

69%. Nice. Is that what you said? According to canweeatass.com we're just weeks away from eating ass season. I always take an antihistamine. Ladies and gentlemen

this is what they've sent us. It's the NC-17. We can eat ass. You can tongue punch someone's butthole very soon because of the vaccine. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to clean your ass. And there's no better way to get your ass into gear than with the Hello Tushy bidet. See, I didn't know what the ad was for.

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Get arse-eating season ready. Get it ready because the seasons are coming. The tongues are out. Your ass wants to be clean. Alright. How do I turn on my camera? There's a should be on the bottom. Alright, here we go.

Here we go. How's it going? I'm sorry. We've already figured out who you are well we already knew you and Jim didn't but you have a still photo there as your screensaver of I guess you on a BMX bike yeah

alright please welcome our guest today TJ Lavin and now it's time to play yes no yes no yes no our guest today, TJ Lavin. And now it's time to play Yes, No. Yes, No. Yes, No. Yes, No.

Judging a book by its cover. TJ's a BMX guy. Okay, for everybody listening at home, we always have our guests come in on Zoom before we start, obviously. And TJ's Zoom came up and before the image of him came up

it was just a still photo of him on a bmx and jim goes oh bmx the easiest one you've ever had it looks very comfortable you're up against the wall you look like you're in the back of a service station you're probably in a bunker or something if it's the challenge. I wish, like, so I had a head injury, right, in 2010. We know. Well, obviously, right? So in 2010, I had a head injury.

And so now my short-term memory is shite. And every single thing that somebody tells me, this goes in one ear and out the other it's like it's not a matter of disrespect like i i love you guys and i really appreciate you being so forthcoming like really doing it kelly because i i dropped the ball how many times and and like today i got home from work and i'm riding i'm running i'm currently running and then all of a sudden I look at my phone it's like oh shoot they're waiting for me and I just set up in the ice cream shop

I'm like yo I was like I gotta use the wi-fi I gotta get on here I gotta do this thing real quick is it okay can you please turn down the radio? Can you just make this my studio? And she said, yes. This really sweet girl. She's like, yes, no problem. There she is. She's so sweet. She said, yeah, no problem. You don't mind customers coming in?

I said, no, I don't mind. We'll talk to the customers. Is it ice cream or frozen yogurt? That makes a big difference to me. It's frozen yogurt. Oh, okay. In Croatia. I can't trust this bloke, Dan. I like frozen yogurt.

No, but he said it was ice cream. Tim is leading. It's the first place I saw it, and they're sweet enough to let me in here. Like, yeah, that's awesome. I was a terrible skateboarder, but I used to have this small street philip street in sonos right and it was it was a little street that

had a nice little hill and it used the asphalt used to be that crackly asphalt right and i used to ride down there and that crackly asphalt made it go a speed that i could handle going down there anyway i was the hill that i run and one time i go to get on the hill and then re-tarmac that with that smooth asphalt. Oh, I was going fast, faster than I'd ever gone. And I was there going, oh, fuck. And then the board starts doing the death wobbly thing. And then you're like, I got to run.

You jump off and run, but you're moving faster than you can run. So you do the first few steps. I've got this. I've got this. And then your body's moving faster than your legs. And then bang, he's out of the ice cream store. He's on the move. Yeah, yeah.

And now he's just out. He's in Croatia. He's walked into a pierogi store, ladies and gentlemen. Did they kick you out of the frozen yogurt? Yeah, the lady at the frozen yogurt shop is like, that guy says cunt a lot. Can you leave? I shouldn't say that.

They're actually closing because it's 10 o'clock here. We're closed. We gotta go. And I was like, of course you do. No problem. She said fro-go. Fro-go. In Croatia, is it popular

BMXing? Are you there for that? It's just everywhere. No, I'm here for the show. We don't want you to hang out on the street. What's the show? The Challenge. One of my favorite shows. We don't want you to have to hang out on the street here.

I do. I think it's a good look. There's a backpacker. Hello, mate. Do you want to be on the podcast? How are you? Hey. I love his hat. We've never had a guest out on the streets like this.

I was like, just do it, dude. Whatever. It's like a walking mall. It's not a street. No cars are going to hit you. There's traffic going by. It's lovely. We're getting a tour of Croatia. I'll fight with street. You know, no cars are going to hit. You know, there's traffic going by. It's lovely. We're getting a tour of Croatia.

I'm fine with it. We get to see a bit of Croatia. Oh, look at those ladies behind you. Look at that. Look at that. All right, let's go talk to some women. All right, big celebrity from Australia, Jim Jefferies. All right, well, if you're listening, TJ's walking through the streets.

I don't even know what city you're in, Croatia. I don't know any city in Croatia. What's the city? What's the city? What's the city? I don't know. Beautiful city. No, we're going to lose you now.

No Wi-Fi in the streets of Croatia. You got your Wi-Fi from the frozen yogurt place. You even said that. You can't go too far away from the frozen yogurt. He's frozen. Oh, wait. Okay. You know what, TJ?

Let's just ask you one more question. I have to go back to the frozen yogurt. Where you at, Jim? I'll show you around quarantine Jim is in Sydney quarantining here we go hold on how do I reverse that camera

there we go now you have a reverse there we go oh that's pretty. Yeah. It's a motorway. I can look at all day. It's an exercise bike.

Your fingers in front of the camera fingers in front of the cat. A bit more of a curtain here. Oh, wow. Why do you have so many trinkets in the window? Oh, he's shirtless. Have you used the exercise bike yet? I have used it. I've tripped over it more

than I've used it. A couple of plants. It's an Australian Kelly. Air humidifier. It's quite good. We get a 12 rating. Well, that might be 12% left. I don't know. I won't show my wife because she doesn't want to get shown on camera because it's early in the morning. But we have another bit.

That's a nice hotel. There's a tip of my wife's head. And then that's – we're not allowed to leave this room for two weeks. You're almost done, right? There's some plants in there. Yeah, we bought plants. That's nice. We bought plants for clean air Extra oxygen

Air for oxygen And uh I'll get back into bed Jim's doing this episode from bed Yes if you're just an audio listener What's the other options I'm going to steal or wish you were in bed as well I do

I can do it from the exercise bike Oh, there we go Wow I'm feeling stronger today I was weaker yesterday He's on the exercise bike there For those of you listening at home I'm feeling stronger today than I was weak yesterday. He's on the exercise bike there. For those of you listening at home,

it's worth YouTube. Yes, definitely. Jack, you got something for us? We're going to do Comment World today. Yeah. Jim has just woken up. It's 8 a.m. in Australia. 8 a.m. Tuesday and we're doing this whatever 3pm

no theme song today because Jim will not be able to hear it so we'll start off with 88 liters a lot of people were shocked and some people were going I don't think it's that much what are you setting on fire? why are you lighting a match?

did you shit your pants on the bike? you're lighting a candle. This is how I keep things smelling good. You didn't blow it out? Blow the match out. I thought he threw the match after he thought he blew it. I was like, your room will be on fire. That's one way to leave it.

That's how you get out of quarantine. Burn the place. We're in the comment world now. What did you say? 88 liters a week. People were commenting on the 88 liters. That's like two bottles a week. That doesn't seem that bad to me.

What? Two bottles of whiskey a week? It is a lot, right? That's a lot of whiskey. That's a lot. That's just the average. That wasn't the heavy drinkers. That was just the heavy drinkers. That was just the social

drinkers doing the idea. Yeah, that was the casuals. Yeah, doctors were okay with that. And also, if you go, that's two bottles. That's not that bad. A week. You got a drinking problem. Yeah. You're doing the bike.

Yeah, he's really doing it. Or you're just walking back and forth. One of the two. Those fucking pajamas. Did you get those pajamas from Dr. Seuss? I was going to say, he's a group of them. You borrowed those from your son. All right, let's start.

What is a manatee? It's an American dolphin That's the only difference When you get the lovely Dolphins in other countries, they're slim And they're sleek and they can swim And the diet over here is terrible An American dolphin

They're like a fat They're the fat fuck of the sea They're Like, they're like a fat fuck of the sea. They look like they should be in smaller bodies, but they're overeat. And they sort of, they'd be related to walruses and seals would be what they're close. It's like if a walrus fucked the seal and then there was like, then there was like some Marvel comic sort of radioactive thing that

happened buying manatee. This is a question for you, Forrest. Being an expert in manatees ever get you any pussy? Was there, was there manatee fans? Were there girls in the bars in Miami where you're like, I deal with manatees, man. And they were like, yeah, this guy's cool. I don't know. I bet you there was.

Marine biologist, people always seem more impressed that you're a marine biologist than you are a comic. Definitely. I think definitely people are more impressed that I was a marine biologist. But I don't know if there was a direct like i've worked with manatees and then i'm hooking up but i i i think that women it was a good end to talk to women like and first i would think i was bullshitting and then you know i'd have a picture of me with a manatee on my phone like if i was lying what the heck you know that kind of that's good as well and it's always good to have a picture with someone fatter than you.

Did you, did you have a choice to work with other mammals of the sea and you chose that just for the photo ops? Of course. Yeah. Everyone looks slimmer next to a manatee. This is online dating profile. It's like, I'm on the right. I once went to the great barrier reef with Forrest and he, profile. He's like, I'm on the right. I always went to the Great Barrier Reef with Forrest and he got on a

wetsuit and everything. He goes, I'll take you out scuba diving. And he was like a fucking graceful dolphin, he was. All the Japanese and Chinese tourists were losing their fucking shit looking at him. He got more photos than the fish.

That was the most sincere you've ever been to this point in our entire relationship. When I got out of the water, you were like, you were like an angel. You were very sincere. You were like, wow. I was like, yeah, I've done it for many years in the water. I knew how to swim at the same time when I know how to walk. At first, I'd be swimming tentatively with the oxygen oxygen just breathing just don't die don't die you know

swimming along trying to try to breathe i always like in i like in scuba diving to anal sex i i can see why other people enjoy it and when i remembered to breathe it wasn't that bad it's receiving more receiving yeah yeah anyway so i was scuba diving and i was watching forest and forest wouldn't just he was like a little mermaid you'd go he'd go he'd be like doing signals to you there's fish over here fish over here and then forest would wave at me like come come, come to this fish. And I would sort of moonwalk over there. Very, very gentle. Very, very gentle.

And Forrest, if he got to the spot where I was meant to be early to keep himself occupied, he'd swim around in figure eights and do backflips and shit. Hey, Jim. Watch this. It's like a child. It's fun. Could a female manatee use Jim as a dildo?

Sure, but I You know, I don't know They're close to elephants And we've already decided that Jim is an elephant dildo Not as big as elephants though Jim couldn't crawl into the womb of a manatee You would get stuck halfway How big is a manatee's dick?

I don't... I know I've seen them, and so... Just on your internet searches. Two foot? Why don't you put a ruler in your mouth and then go away? Pretty girthy.

Pretty girthy. That was a good one. What is the... I feel like this is not How you treat other guests I think you're a lot more Considerate What is more nature Tree or sand

You said sand forever Yeah I'm a sand guy Why again Cause you can make Glass out of it But you can make Tables out Why again? Because you can make glass out of it. But you can make tables out of trees. Yeah, but you can also, with sand's heat, it's the, look, look, what do you put your best bit next?

Okay, everyone in the world lives next to the water because that's the best bit, right? That's where all the rich people live, next to the water, right? So only the rich people live. Yeah, yeah. Where's the sand? Prime real estate. So it's more nature?

It's more nature because rich people live on it. We'll get back to it. We'll get back to it. The sand joins us to the ocean. It is the handshake that we have with the sea. Okay. It's like, am I on land? Am I on water?

No, you're on fucking sand. You don't know. It's the, am I on land? Am I on water? No, you're on fucking sand. Okay. You don't know. It's the good go between. It's the great equalizer, sand. All right. Absolutely wrong. Claris is finally vindicated.

The handshake of the ocean. What does that mean? The handshake of the ocean. You have to admit his answer for that was poetic and beautiful. That was pretty good, the hand of the shank. The sand is the handshake we have with the sea, the great equalizer. The great equalizer. With that sand, what are we doing?

Isn't sand just like ground up rocks and coral? It is. Ground up rocks and coral. Got it. Sand is actually just the particle size of minerals. It's just that it's large minerals, like there's sand, silt, and clay. All that refers to are the sizes of mineral particles. And so it has nothing to do with life itself.

However, sand, you know, is you can have life on it. Bacteria and fungi and viruses can cling to sand and give it kind of a life or start to break it down could break it down into silk particles or clay particles um but you know a tree already has like photosynthesis and all these other organisms they're like microbiomes already um and so they're definitely more nature i'll put I'll put it this way. No one holidays to see a tree. Yeah, they do. Yeah, maybe if it's near sand. You mean national forests?

Yeah, Sequoia National Forest. People have gone there. Big Sur. Everyone goes to Big Sur. Sure. This is just in California. Redwood. Joshua Tree.

Okay. Well, I'll give you there is sand there yeah there is sand there but people people go more for the tree than the sand what was illegally

injected into the butts of some women in Miami what was illegally injected into the butts of some women in Miami

I'm gonna say Bulldog the Rapper Pitbull Pitbull Bulldog the Rapper. Pitbull? Pitbull. Bulldog. I thought he was just making stuff up. I know he's from Miami and they're women and all that stuff. Maybe he hasn't been me too.

We probably should change his name to Bulldog. Okay. I like Bulldog. It's a cool name. Pitbull. I meant Pitbull. Bulldog the Rapper. Why would I say the rapper anyways? You don't have to say

Pitbull the rapper. I don't know much about Pitbull. Is he rap? He seems to do some dance songs. I wouldn't really call him a rapper. He's an entertainer. He's Mr. Worldwide. He's Mr. Worldwide. He's everything. I wouldn't be able to hum a single Pitbull song. Yeah, you know some.

You just know him by accident. I'm yelling timber. Yeah, you know some. You just know them by accident. You definitely know them. You know them by accident. Yeah, this is ubiquitous. I'm young in timber. You're young in timber? Never mind. You gotta sing the song, Jack. I don't know if we're allowed to sing the song. Oh yeah, true. You'll be fine. I'm young in timber. Bulldog.

Do you know what suitcasing is, Jim? I do not, no. I'm hesitant to ask. Oh yes, I've suit've suitcase plenty of things. Okay, so with the diamonds, you stole diamonds. I've been through the process. I've just gotten married, so I had to buy my first big diamond I've ever purchased. You should have known me.

I got your nice freak. No, my wife didn't want any blood diamonds. I assume your ones have got anal blood all over them. Now, when you said you work with children, do you do that like scared straight stuff where you take kids into the prison and people come and go, I'm going to be your bitch and all that type of stuff? I always feel when I watch those shows, the prisoners are having fun.

It breaks up their day. They've had a long week. They've just been in the hole. They've been eating their fucking sail crackers. Their acting reel is incredible. And they're like, am I what I get to yell at a 13-year-old who smoked pot? That'll be a good day. It's a great question.

And no, first of all, it's been proven many times, scared straight doesn't work. If I yelled at you, you have two reactions, either fight or flight. If you don't think you can beat me, you're looking to get out of the situation. So they don't see you. They don't even you they don't even hear you they're just they put up a block it's proven many years since the 70s if i told you the story that i was in atlanta when this kid got his ass cut from the top of his anus until his

scrotum with a razor blade and two guys raped him and they found seminal fluid you i get kids that come up to me years later and say, Mr. Lawton, I'll never forget that story about the kid who... Stop, stop, stop, stop. Just cut out. I pay this money for audio people. What did you say? There we go. There we go. No, just cut out. For some reason, the sound cut out again. There was a boy whose ass was cut with a razor blade. Someone came up to you and said,

I never forgot that story because it helps me masturbate. Go from that point there. You would make it in prison, Jim. I just think with your comedy you'd make it because everybody needs

to fucking laugh. I think it's because of my fucking horrendous hemorrhoids that people would go to rape me and they'd go, you and then and then like i know i know i mean my feelings would be hurt i'd be like why tell me my asshole's pretty um how do machines learn jim said by us inputting information into them then the computers start teaching each other and then we're fucked correct um yeah i mean the start of the answer i was so hopeful for you it sounded so good and then the computers start teaching each other and then we're fucked. Is that correct? Yeah. I mean, the start of the answer, I was so hopeful for you. It sounded so good. And then it went a bit pear-shaped,

but like the simplest methods are often based on statistics. So like spam detection and email, you count how many emails have the word Viagra in them and how many of those are spam. And then you do that for every single word in every single email in your training data set. And then when you get a new email that has the word Viagra and some other words as well, you can use the probabilities to say whether it's... We've lost you. We've lost you.

One second. Can you hear us? Just nod your head. We can't hear you right now we can't hear you we have a thing a computer program in our podcast

if Viagra is mentioned four times wait talk it has to shut down is it plugged back in? we can hear you now yeah

I'm not you cut out right after spam and Viagra a few moments later Catherine what's a neural network? Well, the nervous system is kind of on the right track. It's loosely inspired by

the biological Fuck. One second. I blame Louise, man. What's going on? I think you can hear us, right, Catherine? Yeah, it just cut out. It's something on our end with a wire. They're fixing it.

Hold on. One second. Sorry about that. It's like we've got two of the three stooges butting around with each other. We need some AI in here. This is why I'm not close to you, man. We just changed the wire out.

Shouldn't happen again. Sorry about that. Five minutes later. What is the Turing test? And Jim just said, Alan Turing. Ah, yes. He made the first computer. He was arrested for homosexuality.

It cracks me up every time you say homosexual because you say homosexual. He's a homosexual. I say it like old people. And Jim, I said, do you think you could pass it? He goes, I don't know what it is, but I think I could pass it. He thinks he could pass the Turing test. So what's going on there? Explain to us, please. Yeah, I said, do you think you could pass it? He goes, I don't know what it is, but I think I could pass it. He thinks he could pass the Turing test. So what's going on there?

Explain to us, please. Yeah, I think Jim probably could. So basically, yeah, Alan Turing, you know, he's a famous mathematician, codebreaker, computer scientist. And the Turing test was basically a thought experiment. So to try and devise a way to determine if the machine is intelligent. And the idea is like you have a human interrogator who is interrogating another person. Ah, Luis. What are you going to do for your next job?

Sorry. It just cut out again. Sorry. Sorry, Catherine. What's going on? Why does it have to be so complicated as well? It's just a recording. I don't understand.

I don't understand. I don't understand. Sorry, Gavin. I'll get a fax. All these cables to make his fucking talk. I'd be happy if we just put an iPhone in the middle and we all yelled at it. This is meant to make it better. Leave all this in.

I want this all left in the podcast. I want you to listen to your failure while you're editing. I want you to have to sit through every minute of this and go, fuck me, it wasn't the wire, it was something else. Do you want this to be like the promo clip too? I like how you two are walking around like mechanics kicking a couple of tires. That you go, oh, it's probably the fucking Johnson rods or whatever they said in Seinfeld.

You know what I mean? No, you're not touching anything. Neither of you are touching anything. Let them work it out, Tim. They're just pointing at each other. Oh, you moved the chair. That'll do it. It's a shorter cable.

It's because the chair is too far away. Oh, this will show us the way. Have you tried turning it on and off? Do control alt delete. Oh, yeah. This is going to be fun to edit. No, I don't want you to edit it. Jim's going to check it.

I want the comments underneath you to be pure abuse, Luis. It's so much fun when it's not you being berated, you know? How many times did I berate you? Never. Yeah, exactly. That's why it's always so much fun. Exactly, because I haven't put you in charge of a simple task. Well, it seems complicated, to be fair.

Are we ready? We're plugged in. Catherine, can you hear us? We hope this doesn't happen again. Can you talk real quick? Yes. Yes, Justin. Hey, we're back in.

Okay, we were talking about Alan. All right, Louise, you're doing a good job. I was just teasing. We were talking about Alan. I'm glad I get no blame. Do you want to leave that in there, Jim? Yeah. Sure.

That was fun. How are the eggs removed? I'm probably wrong here, but I'm going to assume it's the same vacuum they use for an abortion, but they turn it on low. I don't think that's it. I mean, they don't reverse vasectomies very much anymore. What they do is they put a needle in the nut and they pull the nut. That doesn't sound fun.

They pull the nut juice out. I don't know if that's real. Nut juice. I'm a thesaurus. Nut juice? I've never heard that one. They pull the nut juice out, the baby batter, if you will. And they pull that out into a syringe,

and then they nut juice the egg. Boom. You think anyone's ever said baby batter, if you will? Like, before my life? I don't think so. Baby batter. I tell you, me and the Nugent men, which is my real name, we produce a hell of a lot of sperm.

You're probably one of those patients that I process the sample and I always feel extra sorry for the woman. Why? Why? A high volume that's like the most aggressive off-putting thing it could be.

No, they love it. Their head kicks back like a giant pain. No, what are you talking about? Buddy, I'm like Peter North, mate. Peter North. Yeah. I tell you, I used to watch these people go,

you seen this Peter North guy? He had big cum loads right when I was a kid. And I was like, that's nothing. I get distance as well. I get a shit ton of distance. Several times, and I used to talk about this on stage, several times I have masturbated and then, you know, you open your mouth and you're like, oh, you're coming.

And I fucking shot myself right in the mouth just from the back. I have had a big watermelon come shoot my mouth more times than I can count and I can count past seven, right? I have my headboard. My headboard always has come on it. Any hotel room I'm in, it's got come on it. And that's not because I've been going up against the fucking headboard. It's because it shot over me fucking head.

I'm telling you. Never staying in a hotel. I think you can make a lot of money probably just based on this. That's our new Patreon tier. Jim comes hard. Jim North. I can do a June North. I can any direction you want.

June North? June North. The hard thing is though, if you have a high volume like that, oftentimes the sample is very, very diluted. So you can potentially have a low sperm count and not realize it. I should so much cum that a lot of the eggs have drowned.

Yeah, maybe that's the problem. If I don't cum for ages, I get that first little bit that's like jelly. You know, that like gelatin bit? Yeah. Is that some powerful ass cum or is that an infection? No, it's like old and dried. You know how like rubber's in that and you put it on something? It feels like silicon.

It's like silicon. It's not biodegradable. I just imagine Jim sitting there playing with his own case. I love that jelly cum, man. I'll tell you what, if you haven't cummed for a few days and you have that bit and it really has to work its way through to the end of your cock and then when it shoots out, you're like,

jelly cum. I'm telling you that's a good ass wank that is. I've not experienced this. You wank too much. It's not like everyone does. If you haven't had it, it's okay. But you know that little bit that comes out like a small worm?

It's like a gummy worm coming out. I know exactly what you're talking about. It's fantastic. Gives the woman something to play with after you go to the bathroom. Do you have this? Some episodes, I feel like Louise is like, I don't know what I'm going to use here.

There's not enough clips for me to use to promote the show. This one, I feel like there's going to be a lot. All clips. You get me talking about cum, you got to have yourself a hell of a conversation. Okay, please welcome our guest today, Lexi Luna. G'day, Lexi. Now it's time to play yes no yes no yes no yes no judging a book by its cover we're gonna talk about porn what okay how did you know that it's her name's lexi lunar and i know who she is big fan of your work okay i cracked it i thought maybe you might have the first time ever you've

got it right away i do know about that what are some costs slash expenses associated with being a porn star um other expenses would be that throat numbing spray i'm sure that that runs up a bit lube doesn't buy itself i thought they'd be provided by the producer or something yeah uh that uh but then hair and makeup and all the different outfits and stuff like that i'm sure it's all tax deductible. It's their tax deduction. Their tax must be awesome to look at. You put seven dildos on this. I love working with Anna Claire clouds.

Cherie DeVille is awesome. Oh man. So hard. So hard to pick the girls. It can be throughout history. Jaden Cole is great. I don't know that one. She's so hard to pick the girls. It can be throughout history. Jayden Cole. Jayden Cole is great. I don't know that one. She's a girl, girl, girl performer.

I don't watch that. I need to see a dick in there. I'm not on board. Okay, that's an interesting question because men seem to watch porn for what the guy is doing. It's so interesting to me. You can imagine yourself in that situation. Okay, that's what it is. When I see female, female scene,

I imagine if I walked in the room, I'd be bothering them. Okay, all right. They'd be like, can you shut the door? I'm sorry, ladies. You know what I mean? I'm not going to be welcome in that space. Get the fuck out of here.

That's why I like to see a gangbang. I could just slip in there and people go, who's this bloke? Oh, don't worry I'm happy here's a question you might get what is deforestation it's what a lot of people request for this podcast

yeah you're not wrong I wouldn't say a lot some people want me some people want me off the podcast that was brilliant. Sorry, mate. It hurt to say

that joke, but it was too good. You were so excited. I feel bad now. I feel bad now. Wow, that last joke really got me. I hope you enjoyed this episode as much as I did. Remember, if you're ever at a party

and they ask you, do you know when another IDCAT episode is coming out? Say, I don't know about that. Good night, Australia. I'm so fired.