If I Were You - 268: Sex Diary

Episode Date: April 6, 2017

The Gameboy invites us to his house to play a round of his sick game. We discuss sex diaries, walking with your mom, and the most illegal things we've done.This episode brought to you by Article.com. Head to http://www.article.com/ifiwereyou for $50 off your purchase of $100 or more.Watch this episode at http://www.youtube.com/ifiwereyouSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Thank you to Articles for sponsoring this bonus video Thursday episode. And they also sponsored this table being in my house. Which is even more important than if I were you. I would say so. Yeah, because you get to eat on this table. I eat off the table. And you don't necessarily get to eat off an ad.

No, I don't think so. So Article, if you've been able to ascertain so far, is a furniture online store. Yes. They save money by not having a real store. Correct. There's no showrooms that they have to pay rent for. There's no salespeople that they have to pay wages. And all those savings are passed directly to you and you.

Article sent us some furniture, for example, this bench that I'm sitting on. Yes. And this table that we're recording on. Article has more than just benches and tables, though. They have sofas. They have beds. They've indoor furniture, outdoor furniture, dressers. I don't know if you guys saw the episode at my house, chairs, couches, rugs.

Every cool thing you need to outfit your home, Article has. And if you go to article.com slash if I were you, it's $50 off. Correcto Mundo. So these prices are already low. And they're even lower if you go to article.com slash if I were you. It's kind of a fun little branded episode. You get to showcase the furniture while also producing comedy content. And that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Okay. Because I really think we can do this more often. Oh, let go of my wrist. You unpacked a suitcase in my room. I don't think that was cool. Is all. So check them out. They were nice enough to sponsor this here program.

So at the very least, you can go check out article.com slash if I were you. I don't know if you're in the market, but they got something for everybody I would think. That's true. So thanks, Article, for sponsoring this episode. Why don't we get right into it? I got a theme song for you that'll blow your eyeballs into your brain. I wouldn't want that to happen. All right.

So it's slightly worse than that. All right. Good. I bonked my head when I dabbed. What happened? I hit my elbow. Oh, you think someone on earth has died while dabbing? They've dabbed to their death?

Yeah. I think so. I think someone has dabbed to their death. Dabbed so hard they died. That was written by Nolan, but he just wants to shout out his friends, Teddy and Shay. Say that I love them and that I miss them. They'll know what that means. This song is an apology.

For what? It was a dog whistle. He obviously wronged Teddy and Shay, decided to write a song, get on the podcast and use us to say I love you to Teddy and Shay, who I don't know what he's done to them, but he's stolen from them, robbed them in some way. We're implicated in this crime. I absolutely won't stand for it. In fact, shout out, rescindage.

Shoot the messenger. We are the messenger. Shoot the fucking messenger. I don't think so. Thanks Nolan for writing that. Thanks for having us in your lovely home. Yeah, you're welcome. And just remember, as soon as we wrap this, you're out of here.

I can get pretty darn comfortable here. You wouldn't. I'd hate for you to. I can see a world where this is our home. I would hate that, frankly. Would you say your Casa is Su's Casa? I saw your roommate Sue in the bathroom. Yeah, well, me and Su's Casa is not Sue Casa.

Oh, so you have Smee's Casa. Me Casa is Su's Casa, but your Casa is not Su's Casa. Su's Casa is. Su's Casa, Su's Casa, but not Su Casa. Got it. So Su's Casa, because it's. Que pasa? Very good.

Thank you. Very good. Thank you. This is a politics podcast now. All right. So let's talk about this, this, this fucking craziness. Yeah, we have to, because we're recording this a little bit in advance, so we just have to assume.

Right. In a month. Can you believe he said that? I can't believe he said that. I can't believe he did that. And I can't believe the media reported it in the way they did. Yeah. Now he's getting all mad at them.

It is just, what a shit show. It's too much. What a shit show it's been. And we're talking about President Pence because. Of course. Trump was impeached. Yes. Of course.

And then we all know that. All right. Good. Oh yeah. This is a video podcast, I should say. Yes. We're recording this on cameras, as well as microphones. If you're listening, that's fine.

You can hear it just like a regular program. But then if you want a little more action, if you're at your computer and you're curious as to what we look like while we're talking. Sound like. Or what are, oh, I guess sound like they know. But they could be inside our homes. That's right. We're actually shooting the third installment of this video podcast in my bathroom.

You taking a shit, me taking a bath. In the room. Oh, in the room. Oh, it is the bathroom. Of course. And the shit room. The room where shit happens. Nice, dude.

We cannot have enough Hamilton records. I know. Oh yeah. We're going to put it on our YouTube channel. So odds are, you can watch it there, youtube.com, if I reassure you, I believe that is. And thanks to article for making this happen. Mucho appreciated. Yes.

So we usually begin the show by saying that these are real emails from real people. They're emails that came to us. People seeking our guidance, our advice, our wisdom. Naturally. We are smart. Oh shoot. Sorry. I have relish on my, my butt.

I sat on a pickle a week ago. Now it's a relish. Anyway, so people write us and they're seeking our wisdom. We usually have the questions in advance, but we thought, you know what, we're on video. Why don't we do the video debut of, do you happen to live with the Game Boy? I, let me see if he's here. Okay. Is that, I'm just going to check under the table.

All right. He might be here. He might not be. I'm going to just see if he's here. Okay. One second. Right. Wait.

It doesn't have to be, we'll, yeah, we'll cut. So it's just, however long as you want to take, it really shouldn't even be this long. Just come up right now. Sorry. What'd you say? I never mind. Did you want me to? I was going to see if he's here.

No. Yeah. It just takes a minute to find him. All right. So. Okay. It really, yeah. It's just down and up would be how it looked.

Oh. Is that it? I can't tell you. No. Not yet. That was impersonating him. Oh. Oh, okay.

He's here. Yeah. Oh. And to think he looks just like you. The game, he's usually in a sideways hat, but you don't have him with you right now. Not this second. At the very least, we could try the voice. The Game Boy, the way the Game Boy works is that we have about 15,000 emails in our inbox.

We do our best to find the best questions, but we can't read all these emails. So the Game Boy allows us, you know, to leave it up to the email gods to hopefully find a question we wouldn't otherwise find. We search a specific word and ideally to win the game, we only have one question with that word in it. Those are the rules. Those are the rules. Those are the rules of the game.

If there's more, maybe we'll pick at random or pick a number, but we'll get to that river bridge. River. We'll get to that river. We'll cross that river when we come to the bridge. So we're going to get to a river. Hopefully there's a ridge there. Otherwise...

If there's not, there's a ridge. We'll cross that ridge when we get to the river. The ridge is just the sort of the edge along the river and you want to cross the ridge. I want to cross the ridge down to the river. And then once we get to the river, forward it. What if I can't afford a forward? Maybe we can go to a fjord instead. All right.

So do you have a name or a, sorry, a word to search? Treacherous. Wow. I don't even know how to spell that. T-R-E-A-C-H-E-R-E-R-U-S. Treacherous. Ooh. Pretty good.

There's 12 emails. And it's not that good. It's pretty good because a lot of them are... The Gameboy has lost. I'm just giving you the benefit of the doubt because some of them is like an ad for Miami.com. I don't know what that is. A Google plus invitation. How many questions?

I would say one, two, three, four. One that we answered. So five total. One that we answered. That's pretty good. Yeah. I would say it's not a win, but maybe you got in second place. There's two unopened emails with the word treacherous.

What are the subjects? Perhaps the most dire situation ever. That's going to be hard not to choose that one. Okay. And then the second one is the most dire situation ever for sure. No way. Oh, sorry. The second one is my mom is ruining my morning walk.

I choose that one. Absolutely. I choose my mom is ruining my morning walk. Which sounds like the most treacherous situation ever. All right. Let's call this guy. I'll name him Alan Divinia-Corch. Alan Divinia-Corch.

So you said the whole last name is three different words, but it is Divinia-Corch. No, Alan. And then his middle name is Dale. So we call him Alan D. Dale. Yeah. Dale.

Nice. And then his last name is. He said, he said, he said, Dale. Dale coming and Dale wants to go home. So we're almost out of time. Dale. He said, he said, he said. Dale.

You said, how do you say that middle part? You said, Dale. You said, Dale. You said, Dale. All right. That's it. All right. Alan D.

Divinia-Corch writes, recently I've come to the conclusion that I'm unhealthy and I've started walking five miles every morning. It's been great so far. I've lost some weight and I have more energy these days. This is where my silver lining spouts an ugly treacherous cloud of relatively minor annoyance. My mom wants to come with me every single time I go. I can't English. People get it right.

It's mom. Mom. Yeah. M-O-M. M-U-M is the reason we won the war. That was a goddamn program. Jesus. All right.

I understand that this doesn't sound like a big deal, but she walks way too quickly. We can't walk as far since her hip starts hurting or whatever. And since she's there, I can't listen to music or your podcast. If I ask her not to come, I think she'll be crushed. Not only is she spending more time with me, she's losing weight as well. What should I do? I encourage you to think outside the bun as well as inside. As well as inside the bun?

All right. T-L-D-N-R, how do I ditch this stinky witch to improve my walking stitch? Yours truly, Alan D. Wow, that's a good email that we wouldn't have read otherwise. My mom is ruining it. It's funny because in the email it says my mom, but in the subject it says my mom. They knew I wasn't going to answer that mom in the email shit on the subject. Why is that?

I'm small minded. I'm racist against British people. I'm culturally insensitive. I was on the side of the mom until I found out that it was fucking with our money, our cash. He's not listening to as much of our show as he should be. So now I'm going to say next time you're on the walk with the bitch. This is really cool. Keep rolling.

Stick out your foot. Oh my God. Tripper smart ass. I love this. She's already got a bad hip. Watch her hit the pavement hard. Watch that hip shatter. And then you are madder at her like the mad hatter.

Call 911. That's thinking outside the bun. There's been a mistake. I have to listen to more podcast ads. What happened? A bottle fell. I took this over. I apologize.

It's live TV. That's going to happen. You remember the Oscars? The whole Moonlight shit. How they fucking won. Who ended up winning? It ended up being the most obscure one. The River Hatch.

Hatch saw rich. That's right. Gibson walked away with it. Insane. Yeah. You feel bad to tell your mom you can't walk with you. But at the same time, it's your special moment of the day. But at the same time, she carried you inside her for nine months.

And you're the real healthy. You have to love your mom as much as you love yourself. I say more. So if I were in your position, I'd walk to the end of the earth with my mother if I'm being totally honest. I would walk through the doors of hell and I'd say, Satan, you take me before you lay a finger on this woman. She's an angel and she blogs in heaven.

What the heck am I doing here, devil? We went on a walk all of a sudden. I'm at the gates of hell. Yeah. You're telling me, come in. I'm like, no. You're in here because you told somebody else to trip their mother. Okay.

Well, why is she here? Satan. She walked here for no reason. God, she's amazing. Thank you, mother. And you burned her. Not cool, devil. Lucifer, you ass.

No wonder you get a bad rap. You're a real meanie. You're worse than anyone. You're a douchebag, Satan. You've been a dickling since I got here. Yeah. Who's to say what you've done to bedevil people in the past? The temperature here is way less than comfortable.

It's warm. What is it, 88? But humid. Yeah. Indoor. Horned, tailed demon. Man. You're a demon man, man.

So what would you do? I think you go on a short, quick walk with Ma until the old hip starts to hurt. You drop her off at home and then you continue on the walk. You take two walks. You're losing more weight and your mom's losing weight. You can look at the second walk as your time to catch up on the podcast. First walk as the time to get to know your mother. Two walks, two loops, one mega exercise.

One short one, one second, medium sized one. Easy. Lemon squeezy. Ain't nothing wrong with that. That seems like the best of both worlds. You get to walk with mommy. You get to walk with yourself and then maybe she'll pick up the hint and be like, oh, you, you don't want to walk with me at all and be like, no, it's not about that.

I just want to listen to a podcast and I'd hate to ignore you, mommy. I want to learn everything about you, mother. In fact, why don't we split this earbud, mother? You and one and I and the other mother. Actually, my hip's pretty sore. I'm gonna go lie down. What a second, mother. Get away from me.

The bud is dead. Oh, mother. Why, mother? She had a knife. She had a knife the whole time. Got it. All right. Let me search a word.

Let me search a word. Seat belt. Ooh, nice. Is that one word? Let's do it as one word. Because I think it is. No. Nothing.

No one's ever said seat belt? Oh, what? Yes. There is one. You've won the game. Blumenfeld. Oh, I didn't know I had it in you. Wow.

It starts with a typo. So thank God he spelled seat belt correctly. Hey guys, call me Antoine. Antoine. Faster your seat belts. All right. And prepare your anuses. Because this is going to be a long one.

Hold on. I haven't prepared my anus yet. Is your anus prepared? I need another minute. All right. Now I'm good. So here's La Problema in high school. I'm in high school and I just got out for summer break about a week ago.

During finals I was at a study hall when I noticed someone left their notebook in the library. I figured I can guess whose notebook it is if I looked at the first couple of pages for a name. Eventually I figured out who the notebook was. She was a girl I had a few classes with who, to be honest, seemed pretty chill. But for the first couple of pages she became almost half, sorry. But for the first couple pages became almost half the notebook when I started reading what seemed to be a girl writing some sort of extremely detailed sexual fantasy about a few guys I knew as well as me. Extremely disturbed I decided to give the notebook to one of her friends to pass on to her because I couldn't bear to face her after that. Summer break started and it seemed like all the days were filled with, sorry, all my days were filled with was her Facebook messaging me to hang out.

She seemed like a perfectly normal girl up until this discovery and I don't want to tip it off that I know about the literatica. But I also don't want to hang out because I'm pretty creeped out by this to say the least. So what would you do? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Interesting conundrum. P.S. obviously it was a girl. Sorry I do my best proof reading after I hit send. And that's, wow. Yeah. No.

He still even then didn't do a lot of, didn't he say girl? Yeah, he did say girl. Some other sentences weren't great but I think we got the gist which is basically somebody found a secret porn diary and now he feels weird facing this lady in public or private. He wants to hang out with him and he doesn't want to do it. Yeah. I'm surprised. I'm taking it back. Because you thought he'd be turned on by the literatica? Yeah.

And want to hang out? Yeah. Have you ever read something you weren't supposed to? And it changed you? It's been a long time but yes. It's hard to unread. Yeah. You snoop, you find something out, you want to pretend like it didn't affect you but it does.

Yeah. You don't know what to say. Yeah, I don't want to do that. Because you found it in a way that's not good. So you can't implicate yourself. Right. So I would think the easy way to do it is to just not tell her anything. Definitely don't tell her that you read the journal.

That's horrifying. You don't have to hang out with her. Yeah. You don't have to tell her I don't want to hang out with you because I read the journal. There's a billion reasons that you can say I don't want to hang out with somebody. Yeah. I don't publish the journal. Well that would be rude.

Well that would be rude on the table. I'm saying like to do it as a blog, revealing one chapter at a time. Yeah. Releasing it and then... It sounds like you're secretly on the sly giving him some sort of evil advice. If she ever found out that it was being leaked slowly but surely she would pay top dollar and I would hate for her to be in a situation where she's saying blackmail. I'm saying I wouldn't want to blackmail her.

He doesn't even have the journal. Imagine a world how mortified she would be if he stole the journal. What you're doing is... Published it and had her pay him to stop. That would be... You're an impish child. I was saying never do that. You have a job.

You can make money. You don't need to blackmail people. Yeah. And that's why I don't think he should blackmail people either. He's in high school. Which is disgusting. Don't set him off on this path of treachery for lack of a better word. What's the most illegal thing you did in high school?

I sold large amounts of marijuana. Next question. Can I get a pound or a kilo of that sticky green? I think I still have my connects. Oh my God. Yeah. You're calling the FBI. Swordfish.

Was that his name? No. That's the code word. You just get swordfish delivered? His name is monkfish. That's great. Now he's just delivering seafood to people. We used to have the codes like...

You would call her? Yeah, I had a beeper. Cool. Oh yeah, I had a beeper dude. I also had a burner cell phone, but back then it was... They were all burners, so I had a really cheap cell phone. When you're that rich, they're all burners. The code was, you'd call and say, like, can you burn me a CD?

And then I would make a CD and bring it to one of my friends. Oh, that's good. And would you put the marijuana inside the CD? No, it would just be in a bag. That's cool. And then what if you actually wanted someone to burn a CD? Would you be like, hey, can I get like an 8th of weed? Yeah.

I genuinely want the CD. I need 3rd eye blind. I know it's a code, but in addition to that... Santeria by Sublime. This is the track list? Those are different strains of pot, dude. You've got to get with it. Sorry, now I'm really confused.

The saddest was that I used to go... On these deliveries, when I bring my friend's weed, I would tell my mom that I was going to the gym. So I spent months going to the gym a couple times a week, and I never ever went to the gym once. So you sign up for a gym? We were like members of like a country club gym that I was allowed to go to. That's really nice.

It was a good gym. I go there now with my brother sometimes. That's really nice. And then sometimes we're in New Haven Hawking Beach. Yeah, of course. What's the most illegal thing you did in high school? I think I beat up a crippled tweenager. So it was a 12-year-old lady who had a speech impediment.

She was in high school, and that was like two weeks ago. Not the most illegal thing you've ever done to a high schooler. Yeah, the most illegal thing that I did in high school. In high school, because I know you often go to high schools and do a lot of fun things. So yeah, all that now. But I mean, when you were a freshman to senior, what's the most illegal thing that you did? I set off... Oh, but this was again last week.

I was going to say I set off a lot of fire alarms in my old high school. But again, that's when I was a 34-year-old. When I was 18, I was wondering if I did anything. I did some pretty fucked up shit last week, but that's all. You mean like when I was in the high... Not when I was at a high school, because I spent a lot of time at high school. I feel like, yeah, we have to... This has to be clear by this point.

You're saying like between the years of 97 and 2001, when I was like 14 to 18. What were the illegal things you did? Yeah, because like I set off a fire, but again, this was like days ago. I know. But I did it in a high school. You're on the lam right now, right? I saw a wanted poster of you by the 365 in Silver Lake. It's crazy.

It was a raccoon with sunglasses on. Yeah, but I saw it right through the police. What did I do? I once... Did I tell the story on the podcast once where we were chasing a group of girls with a video camera? Oh, God. That sounds very fucked up. So we were making like Jackass style videos.

Like fake pranks where like I would be the host and my friend would be a contestant against a stranger contestant. And then like I'd be like, all right, who wins $20? And then I'd give the $20 to my friend and then another friend would come run and like steal the money out of my friend's hand. Be like, oh, that robber stole the money and let's see how the stranger react. Stuff like that. Very avant-garde. It was mostly visual art.

And then like there was... Gotcha journalism. Yeah, a lot of gotcha journalism. And then there was at one point we're in high school and like videotaping like people driving. And so we were in a car and I forget like we were trying to get people to say things or do something. But like we're... To them we were just like, you know, chasing after them with a video camera. Of course.

Illegal. They go to a house. You didn't even know? Yeah, I did not know them. Jesus. They go to a house. We're like, oh, that was a silly old weird time. Then somebody came out of the house with a gun.

And I was like, hey, were you chasing those girls? And then my friend pedaled to the metal, skid away. And we're like, holy shit, we were so scared that we all slept in my friend's like one room. Because we were afraid to like leave his house for like 18 straight hours. Because we were afraid somebody had a gun. Jesus Christ. Yeah. If you're listening out there, ladies, we didn't want to do anything bad.

And we're sorry that it was actually pretty dangerous and kind of messed up for a group of teenage boys to be chasing people with a video camera. Especially when their parents and guardians have guns. Yeah. Or at the very least, boyfriends or something. Wow. If you're listening and you happen to be in that story on the other side, I'd love to hear what it sounded like from your, your angle. Greasy, acne-ridden shoe boys. By himself, I think.

Came into my house. We knew it was a joke. My boyfriend just wanted to put him out of his goddamn misery. Oh, sorry. He ended up shooting three of my four friends. I was the lone survivor. All right, let's take a break to thank Article again for not only bringing us here, but for supplying us with some awesome furniture. Yeah.

What can we say about Article that we haven't already? You know what I wanted to bring up? The fact that when we moved to LA, we, we Airbnb'd for nine months, 12 months. Two years, I think. Right. Well, yeah, there was an Airbnb. Then we moved into a more permanent holiday rental. Yeah.

And then we moved to another Airbnb, another Airbnb. Finally landing at a partially furnished place that we leased for a bit. Sure. Basically, we never, ever had to make an adult decision. We never bought a single piece of furniture. We went from like crummy apartments in New York to Airbnb. And now is the first time that we have houses. And this is the first time we've ever started like actually buying real furniture.

Yeah. And the problem with buying real furniture, especially online, is that you don't really know the quality because you can't see and feel the quality. You're like, I want to go to a showroom. Then you go to a showroom and it's $2,500. And you're like, I don't want to be here. I'm just going to order everything at Overstock and say, fuck it. If my house burns down, that's fine. Yeah.

Who gives a crap? Fortunately with article, it's high quality stuff because you can believe us because we're actually sitting. We're actually feeling the furniture. This is a table that I wanted from my house. You can see how stylish it is. If you go to article.com, you can see the chairs that they have. They look great. And we're here to tell you that they actually are well made.

Yes. And the way they save money and pass along the savings to you is that they don't have showrooms. They don't have stores. They don't have employees that are there to sell you the stuff. Correct. And you don't have to mark it up. $49 flat rate shipping. So you don't have to worry about paying an arm and a leg for that.

And the delivery people assemble the furniture in your home. Yeah. So they bring it to you, assemble it and leave. The ideal delivery man. Usually they come here, kick a box around and then stay for a couple hours. Weeks even. Yeah. So if you're in the need for something for your bedroom or something for your dining room

like the table, something for your living room like the sofas that I have. They even have outdoor furniture now, storage furniture, decor, something as simple as baskets, vases, pillows, poofs, rugs, lighting, anything. You better believe I bought a poof. It's up in the loft, brother. It's a good poof. That's a solid poof. So go to article.com slash if I were you.

That'll give you an additional $50 off your order if your order is more than 100 bucks. Hell yeah. So you get 50 bucks off. They're already low prices, high quality stuff. You don't have to break the bank. You're not spending five grand for a sofa. Some of these sofas are less than $1,000. Yeah, dude.

Inexpensive. No more going to like the goodwill and salvation army for couches. I did that for a very long time. And I was hoping to gosh, they don't have some sort of skin disease on them. And they all did. They all do. They even have like some mod velvet stuff. They got a velvet pink sofa and a velvet blue sofa.

I was going to get one for my bedroom instead of a bed. That's actually pretty dope. Yeah. I thought you were going to say that's actually pretty dumb. That's actually not good. Corpse. This is a giant blue leather sectional. They have something for everything.

So go to article.com slash if I were you, check them out, support the program. They brought us here on a Thursday. On a Thursday. They allowed us to make this video podcast, which is pretty fun. Yep. So we wanted to say thank you to article and thank you to you guys for checking out article. I think the coupon code will expire in a month. So you want to make sure that you get something soon enough to an ASAP Fergie.

Very good. It's nice. Really? Congrats, man. ASAP Fergie. That was, that was good to say. And Hurlitz gets the joke of the fucking podcast. Oh, come on.

It's not like that. It honestly wasn't exactly like that. Truly. It's ASAP Fergie. I miss it. I don't know. How long did it take you to come up with that? What?

You relate to here today. Were you coming up with a fucking golden joke that you didn't want to? I wish I could take it back. I hate the joke. It'll actually be delivered ASAP Fergie. And that's the blue itself. It was fucking good when you said it. It's the delivery.

And much like these delivery men, I do assemble. Get out of my house. What? Absolutely out of my house. One last time, article.com slash if I were you. Thanks, article. Should we answer some more questions? Yes, please.

I mean, we're already here. We got the mics. We got the cameras. It's only fair. And if the Game Boy is still here. Oh, he's here. Oh, do you have a word to say? Beehive.

So fast. Beehive. Let's see. Beehive. Another compound noun. Now, only fake ones where people include a lot of words at the end. Fuck. Another word?

Please. I got a good one, actually, if you want to pass. I did, but go ahead. Guarantee. That's not bad. Ooh, a lot of them. Too many. I'll go unread, Guarantee, because a lot of them are spam.

I see. Well, do you have another word while I search for this? You broke my train of thought. Oh, that's pretty good. Train of thought. No. Oh. Just locomotive.

Just Facebook. Locomotive? Yeah. No. Zero. Are you okay? Secum. Ooh.

Only 16. It's not great. It's not bad. Three in a row. Let me get... Or actually, these two. All right. I'll give you two options.

Okay. Poop, squat, tattoo, or will two. Beautiful bastards help a boy in need. Poop, squat, tattoo. Perfect. Oh, wow. This has attachments of photos. This is perfect.

It's a visual question. Oh, my God. Visual medium. I need friendship advice. I have a birthmark on my back. It's the brown kind. Kind of like a freckle. I've always had it.

And now I think I want to customize it. I think I want to customize it. It's kind of like a freckle. I've always had it. And now I think I want to customize it. I had this idea to get a tattoo of a man... I'm going to get it rims. And a fucking spoiler.

Spinners. I think I had... Sorry. I had this idea... Dice in the mirror. If anything I thought. All right. I want you to customize this freckle.

I had this idea to get a tattoo of a man squatting and pooping just over the mark. That way it looks like the man had just pooped it out. I think this is a hilarious novelty tattoo. I think it's subtle. I think it's tasteful. I doubt it. I doubt I'd regret it. But when I presented the idea to my friends, they were coiled and discussed.

They even just mentioning the idea changed their opinion of me. However, my cousin said it would be funny. And my uncle volunteered to do it. So my question is, should I follow my dream or succumb to peer pressure? P.S. I've attached some pictures I found on the internet. So you can get some idea about what I want. All right. We got to open these for sure.

How big is this tattoo? Like a mole the size of a tattooed duty? Well... All right. Here's what we got. Ready? The first one is not... Is that just the color of the mole?

All right. This is the first. All right. This one makes sense. So... This is clip art. It still says stock photo of it. Yeah.

And he's sad on a toilet. It's funny that that stock photo says can stock. Yeah. It's a pun. All right. So the poop I think would be right here or something. Sure. Right under the butt.

As if the toilet was clear. Gotcha. The second photo kind of makes no sense whatsoever. I mean, how is this... How... How does the poop be? I guess an old man with a walking stick. It's an old man holding the small gear back.

Imagine that there's no cane, that the pants are down and it's sort of like squeezing. That's like the face that he wants. Yeah. I cannot believe how much effort he's put into finding samples of this. I can't believe how much little effort he did. I mean, this is just an old man walking. I mean, he found... This is pretty...

It's pretty effortful for an awful idea. I don't hate it. Jesus. I think it's unique. I mean, you're... There's a good chance that you have to get the mole tattoo removed or the... Like the mole itself removed. And then you just tattooed the duty.

Of course you tattooed the duty. No. A tattooed. No way. A tattooed duty. Brother, this is a really dumb idea, man. I'm with cousin, which is why I have that shirt that says I'm with cousin. You...

I think peer pressure is sometimes a good thing. Yeah. Like if everyone is right and you're wrong. Yeah. Peer pressure around like, oh, you know, don't... Recycle. Huh? Like how you should recycle.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Good. Of course. Or to vote. Yes. Like, I don't know if I would vote today if I didn't see everyone else voting. Yeah.

That's true. That's good peer pressure. And then the peer pressure... Yeah. So similarly, when you're going to get a really dumb tattoo and all your friends say it's bad, I think it's smart to listen to them. Sure. Have you ever seen a body, for lack of a better word, deformity, worked into a tattoo?

Yeah. I think there's some tattoos that are like, you know, people who are... who like lost limbs or something, like do something cool at the... on the nub or the stub. Right. That's neat. That's pretty... Yeah. But I mean like, moles and birthmarks often are cancerous and need to be removed.

So I think the point remains, like there might not be a little natural... But why not turn that cancer into an answer? And the question is, how do you like your duty? It wouldn't be the question. Me? Medium rare with a slice of apple on the side. And that apple is American pie because this idea is as good as gold. Let me work back real quick.

I want to try to work back through that. The slice of the apple on the side is American pie. 100%. So it's on an apple on the side. It's pie on the side. That's apple pie. As American. All right.

And because there's apple pie there, that's to show how the idea itself is gold. I guess because apple pie and that's fully American, fully approved certified beef. So America, you're adding stuff. Sorry. So yeah. You take away the beef because I don't... That I said at the end. Yeah.

It's just as a throw away. So this idea is gold. It's gold. This is all to say. It's a good idea. Turn can't. Yeah. I'd started with turning cancer into the answer.

And also... Yeah. But real quick, because in the middle you said, how do you like your duty? Yeah. How do you like your duty? Because I don't know. Medium rare. I think that's where I got the beef thing from.

Because earlier I mentioned... You like poop? No. Medium rare? I was just saying that. Does that imply that some people like it cooked further? Medium well or well done. And some people like it raw.

And I'm talking about a well done tattoo. You're actually talking about a medium, or for a medium rare tattoo. It is rare. It is rare to have a tattoo this unique. I think... There's a lot of pictures of awful tattoos. I don't think you want to ever be up for consideration for one of those. I think it's one of a kind.

I think it's unique. I think it's cool. I think it's turning something negative into something positive. I think when you show it to people... A negative? About a birthmark? That's pretty silly and fun. He already told people about it, and they recoiled at the idea, and treated him differently

as a guy. And they think... But if he follows through with it, they'll be like, that would be impressed. That was a test, dude. Bravo! You failed. The joke of if I took your wallet and threw it so far, it hit the sun, you'd be kind of impressed.

Yeah. So this is like that. If I said, what if I took your wallet through it towards the sun, you'd be like, that's annoying. What if he fucking did it? What if he actually got the tattoo? I think they'd be like, wow, now I've gone beyond mad. I'm now impressed.

If you took my wallet and threw it into the sun, I would be annoyed for a second, but then I would be like, you're amazing. You're Superman. I'm going to cancel my cards and get a new shit, but that's crazy, throw something else. But because that's a feat of superhuman strength that would blow me away, this isn't something I don't believe he'll do because it's so impossible. It's like something he wouldn't do because it's so dumb. Do you know what I'm saying?

Yeah. I guess we can just agree to disagree. You like this tattoo. Not on me, but I would say if somebody showed it to me, I'd be like, oh, that's funny. You do the, the mole is on his, it's on his face. It's on his face. It's a McGill Gorbachev. The size of a diamond.

It's on his back, right? Yeah. A guy taking a shit and then the shit is the mole. That's funny. Like I don't care who you are. I think everyone finds that funny. I mean, it's fine. I don't find it that funny.

I think everyone finds it hilarious. I mean, you know that they don't because his friends all- I think you're cracking up at the thought and I am too a little bit. You have this tattoo. I have it. Of course. Mine is the other way around though. It's the tattoo of a mole and then on top of it is a birthmark I have.

That's a photorealistic depiction of this man taking a shit. You guys, you are soulmates with this dude. We are equal but opposite. All right. Should we answer another question? Yeah. We got room for... Time for one more.

All right. What do we got? Corner. Corner. That's such a common word. All right. There's a bunch. A lot of them are...

A lot of them once again. We should really just unsubscribe to shit. We are just... These are all touch of modern emails. Yeah, exactly. Everyone's on touch of modern. All right. Thanksgiving.

How do you feel about the big... They got me. It's spam. Fuck it. I'm ordering a turkey. This is insane. I got a follow through. Again?

I can't freaking find. Oh, here we go. I need help. We'll call this guy Steven Stanley Stone Stanger. Whoa. Those all start with S. I don't do that. I guess I don't even think about that.

And they even have a second letter in common. Actually, let's call her Nev Campbell. Oh, neat. Party of five. I'm a rising high school senior, says Nev Campbell, who recently, about a month ago, came out of a two and a half year relationship with my first ever boyfriend. The breakup was a mutual decision between the both of us. So there are no hard feelings or any romantic feeling towards him anymore.

As a result, I've recently noticed that my mind has been going a little boy crazy, and it's trying to figure out a way to put all these romantic feelings towards someone else. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not looking for any kind of committed relationship at the moment, especially with school and college applications around the corner. But I would love to find some nice, cool guys to have something casual with. The biggest problem is I'm stuck at the same high school with the same people since freshman year, and I've got a brand shout a little and find guys that I haven't known since I was 14.

I've been thinking a lot about joining Tinder when I turn 18 in a few months. But would that be weird for me to join while I'm still in high school? I would love to know if A, it's even worthwhile to join, and B, how else I could find some new romantic interest. Thanks a lot for your help. Nev Campbell. What an honor. I mean, it's so cool that you wrote to us.

This is actually kind of cool. P.S., will you come to Atlanta so we can meet you? We have a show in Atlanta very soon. Hell yeah. May 1st, we're in Atlanta. That's right. Then Raleigh. Then DC.

Then Philly. Then New York. That's right. May 1st through the 5th. Tickets may still be available. So snatch them now while you can. Nev, and anybody else that wants. That's on Star Wars Day.

May the 1st be with you. May the 2nd be with you. Cool. No, it's May the 3rd be with you. May the 1st. May the 5th be with you. Jeff is shaking his head at me like I'm fucking wrong. It's got to be June the 4th.

Sorry, like June 4th? Oh, June 4th? Because it's the 4th. June the 4th be with you. So June the 4th be with you. Yeah. Yeah. If only there was a holiday called May.

Oh, that'd be good. Named after the month. It should be 1st. It's basically the same pun. May the 1st be with you. 1st and 4th and 4th and 4th. Oh, 4th is closer to 4th. They're 1st.

They're kind of equal. You would have a case if 1st didn't have a T at the end. May the 1st. May the 1st be with you. 1st is as close as 4th. May the 1st be with you. May the 1st. May the 1st.

May the 4th be with you. Yeah. I guess it's good because it's sort of like a lisp. Yeah, 4th. May the 4th be with you. Anywho. How do you meet people outside of high school? I would say high school is too young for Tinder.

Because then you're only meeting creepos in college and you're still in high school. I don't know. High school would be such a weird experience if I had Tinder. If you had a smartphone at all. Yeah, that's true. That would be my crazy shit that I wouldn't want to deal with. But here we are in that world. Tinder too young?

High school too young for Tinder? I don't know. Your radius is set to 18. That's a high schooler. Yeah, but my maximum is set to 19. Oh, that's true. That's a freshman. Yeah.

But my radius is set to 70 to 80 miles away. So there's a thin ring around where I live. I call it the ring of 18 to 19 year olds. Yeah. And it's an illegal ring. You are under arrest. Of course. Yeah.

Makes sense. You're done here. Absolutely. You're absolutely done. No, I would say 18 is too young. Wait till you're at least in college to join these apps. That way I don't seem like a creep anymore. But how do you meet people in high school?

I think you... Well, the way I did was I didn't go to summer camp, but a lot of my friends did. So like it's a lot of friends of a friend. So you either have to do shit like youth groups, like camp, like whatever, fucking model UN, or be friends. You gotta do model UN. There's a lot of fucking ass to be had in model UN. Yeah.

I did mock trial and the entire thing was a goddamn orgy. It was a cock heil. It really was a cock heil. What's a cock heil? So like, you know, when you hail things? Sure. So that's like hailing a cock. You could have said cock pile.

Like a pile of cock. You shot me in the face. Ow, man. That's crazy. So I would say either do this stuff or be friend, have your best friend do it. Then she goes to the events. She invites you. Yeah.

That's a good idea. Two options. How did you meet people that weren't in your high school? Having like friends in other towns. It was helpful that I like moved around a little bit. Yeah. I was like, I moved to a new town when I was in high school. So like my friends still hung out with their friends from my old school and like I can

meet girls through them and actions and connections. Back in my high school in my town, I was a loser and nobody would talk to me. So I didn't introduce them to anybody, but that could have been the case if I was cool. So whether if you're cool, just need other people from other schools and if you're a loser, then you have to have a friend in another town introduce you. There's always like out of town kids that like go to a party or go to some event like a fair or a carnival. Yeah.

You got it. Yeah. That's so fair. Yeah. There were a couple of fairs in my town. I had a couple of unfairs. You had, your parents had an affair. Yeah.

I had an affair. Yeah. And your dad had a mistress and your mom had a mistress. Yeah. And my dad had a mistrial. And then I had an actress. That's actually, that was at my mock trial. It was.

Wasn't that a cockpile? He perjured himself. Yeah. On top of the pile. On purpose. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So do we answer Neve's question? Do other shit or meet other people that do other shit? Yeah. I mean, it's hard to, she's like, she's worried that she's two-boy crazy. That's fine. You're a senior.

Hook up with some underclassmen. Suit's up. Oh, underclassmen. Yeah. There should be a tinder for underage people. Oh. I'm getting arrested. Immediately.

I'm arrested myself. Yeah. This makes sense actually. This is Minority Report. You're committing a future crime. As soon as you have that idea. So basically. I created a company that did illegal stuff.

I created Silk Road for underage tinder. Oh. Slamming my own head. The Miranda rights. That's fair. That's good. We done did it. We done did it.

Thank you again to Article for the Furniture. article.com. Thank you to you. If you want to get your own stuff. Shout out to Jeff and Marissa for helping out. Yes. Thank you guys for video shooting it. Who knows the countless hours of post production.

You're going to do. Yeah. Because the first cut won't be okay. Oh. The second one will have many. Marissa, this won't do it at all. Third one. We're off the grid.

Take a pass on your own time. Fourth one. Let's scrap it. Let's see something from scratch. Fifth, we just upload the raw uncut GoPro footage. We say thanks for your time. Put a throw up subtitles. We'll ask you to do subtitles.

Do you realize how time consuming? And not just subtitles. We want to do like a graphic word video. Oh, that's all the shit coming in different size. Yeah. Cock-hyle with a little Hitler gift. Hitler with a little with a penis for a mustache. That's a good one.

That's a good one. Somebody get that tattooed on there. What about a shirt that says cock-hyle. And it's Hitler with a dick on it. They'd have to have been there for the mock trial joke. They'd have to understand that it was a pun on something I said. For everyone to really get it. Don't you think?

That's true. Don't act cool, man. No, you're true. I did make, I printed close to 1200 shirts. And they won't make sense or read to any. Nah. That sounds like a pretty big investment for you to make. Oh, yeah.

No, it was like 20 grand. So you're like, you're like in the hole for that. You're not going to be able to hawk your shirt. No, that's a stunk cost. Is that a problem for you? No, yeah. That's a big problem. All right.

Well, you're acting really cool. I got no money. That's a problem, problem. I got no cash. That's a fucking problem. I mean, this sounds really bad, right? Do you need to borrow money? I might need to borrow money.

Yes. All right. The opening theme song. Nah, you're true. The opening theme song was written by Nolan. That was the Meghan Trainor parody. Did we ever give him credit? Yes.

He gave a shout out to his friends. Yep. Closing one is Tony Spalding. It's a Vance. Tony Soprano? Tony Spalding. It's a Vance Joy parody. Thanks, Nolan.

Thanks, Tony. Thanks, article. Thanks to you guys. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. Email address for all your questions is ifirishow at gmail.com. .com. We got the .com.

Very good. Nailed it. I'm going to press play now. It's going to play and we're going to get the heck out of here. I thought you were going to sleep over. I was scared and I needed advice. I was scared. So I emailed if I were.

You show these two court Jews know where it's at. Sometimes they're joined by dupes or carrots. If I were you. If I were you show a gmail.com. I was in a sticky situation and I needed help. So I emailed taking the meal. These dudes helped me with my problem. They made fun of my mom and then they put me on blast.