If I Were You - 276: Sweet Boys

Episode Date: May 29, 2017

In this episode we discuss eskimo brothers, real brothers, and Duke Men's Basketball Coach, Mike Krzyzewski.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Listen up every Monday. Listen up. They will teach you how to play. Just write into the pinching of me. The advice may not be very clear. Toda. If I was you, I'd email if I were you.

I'd email if I were you. I'd email if I were you. If I was you, I'd email if I were you. I'd email if I were you. I'd email if I were you. Oh, a little sassy. Ooh, I loved it. It's a little sass.

But not too much ass. And just enough from that laugh. It actually was from a man named Nolan. Love it. Thanks Nolan. Nolan Muchow says, would you just shout out my friends, Teddy and Shay. Just say that I love them and I miss them. They'll know what that means.

Wow. That would be really mean if this guy killed these guys' parents. Say that I love them and I miss them. They'll know what it means. As we praise his song. That dude's the man. That would be fun if you were a murderer and then you got away with it

and then to torment your victims. Sorry, that'd be fun. That's fun in your mind. Well, you didn't let me finish. You made a theme song for their favorite podcast. Oh, that is awesome. They're one little escape. And then you're like,

I'm going to do a Megan Trainor parody. And then it's like, say it's from Nolan and that I love them and that I miss them and they'll know what it means. So thanks Nolan. It's Megan Trainor's Me Too. If I were you. Did she say if I were you?

I'd want to be Me Too. I'd want to be Me Too. Megan Trainor kind of has like an attitude problem. Yeah, dude. I'm sorry, but my name is No. It's like, dude, tell him your name. What? I'm sorry.

Hi, or my name is Megan. My name is Megan. Oh yeah. My sign is Leo. Oh, that's good. Did I do that? My name, it would work if it was Leo. My name is Leo.

My sign is Leo. You got to let it go. You got to let it go. I should really like that song. If you're looking for a Megan Trainor song to get into like that intro to Trainor shit. I hate that song. I just like it.

I think it's just called No. Anyway, thanks to Megan Trainor. Thanks to Nolan Mucho. Thanks to Teddy and Che. For bringing us back to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet. Correct. We still host.

Yes. We're still hosting it. As of now. There was talks a little bit. I don't know if you guys know this, but Coach K was going to maybe take over like 10 or 15 episodes. That'd be so nuts, because he doesn't do anything like that.

He doesn't usually do podcasts. Yeah, he's the. More comedy. Duke Men's basketball coach. The Team USA Olympic coach. Yeah. He's basically been coaching for 40 years. So he does.

He is smart and wise. But the idea that he would host this podcast was kind of a pipe dream that we had and we entertained it for a little bit. Surprised having Rick Fox have been on this podcast many times that you would go out to coach K. Yeah. Or yeah. Or maybe a Roy Williams type could host the show.

But so far. They're nemesis. They're nemesis. It's still just me and you. There we go. I wonder if we can get away with not hosting the show anymore. So like I would host it with someone else for a few episodes. Then you'd come back.

Then you'd host it with someone else for a few episodes. Oh, like we're never on the same show at the same time. Yeah. And then like suddenly. That's good. That's smart in case the studio blows up or burns down. We can like start to transition away from us. But someone either similar sounding voice or sense

sensibility or maybe like coach K and Roy Williams. So you're obsessed with coach K. I'm just saying he could probably. Why would he? He's so boring. What? Yeah. It's weird that that would.

What what guest would be the hardest to get and for no reason? Coach K is a pretty good example because it would be like we'd have to beg, borrow, steal. Yeah. I mean really, really, really prime away from this obligation. Call in a lot of favors and then it would be bad. Yeah. Well, maybe it wouldn't be.

Who knows? It would be fine. It would be like confusing. It'd be interesting. Yeah. It would be a high. It would not be a highly popular episode. I don't need about it.

I don't think. Yeah. Let's start the show, man. All right. Mike Shyshevsky, if you're listening or at the very least someone close to the Shyshevsky family, let us know if you want to co-host or just take over the show. Three hour episode with coach K. And I'd be down to coach Duke if you needed the time.

Oh, like a wife swap situation, but a job swap. Yeah. Well, also I would sleep with his wife. I feel like I'm well within the rights there. No way. If I'm coaching that fucking basketball team, I better go home to a loving wife. Let me go full K. I want to run a five K.

That's coaching the Duke team, fucking your wife and having a home cooked meal. And then there's two more Ks that I get to name later. Two Ks to be named later. All right. What is this podcast? It's an advice show. Jake and I will receive emails from around the globe all the way from Raleigh to Chapel Hill to Durham itself all over that research triangle.

And people are confused. They're scared. They want to know our advice. We do our best to offer it to them. So this episode seems to have a certain theme because I searched for Tinder and there's a lot of Tinder slash Bumble slash dating app related questions that I thought was pretty interesting. Maybe we can get to that.

First one is written from a lady. Ooh. Why don't we call this lady Elena Beard who played at Duke. Perfect. Hey guys. I've gotten into a bit of a stickler. About a year ago I matched with this cute guy on Tinder. We were talking for a while before we went on a date.

We kissed but nothing else happened. I was going on vacation a few days later and he was traveling for over a month so no surprise nothing blossomed. I ran into him a few months later and we had a friendly chat but nothing else. In the meantime I noticed this other cute guy around college that I'd seen around the gym and stuff and one day I saw him on Tinder and decided to swipe right. Turns out it was a match and we messaged back and forth and he asked me to go on a date later this week.

The only thing is I realized that these two Tinder guys are brothers. They look and seem really different but I think they're quite close. To my knowledge neither of them knows about the sticky situation. Do I go out on the date? Do I play dumb? Or do I bring it up to clear the air and see how he feels? I really appreciate your advice and perspective. As guys, thanks.

Love. Elena Beard. If somebody made out with your brother and then went on a date with you would you want to know? That they made out with my brother? Yeah. I feel like my brother might tell me. But he wouldn't know. Yeah, he would tell you if he found out.

But odds are he would never know. Yeah, I would rather just let it naturally happen. So you'd be like, hi, do you have any family? Oh, I kissed that guy. I kissed that guy. It feels like you've done too much digging though. If you go forward and you're like, hey, before we go on another date, you should know. I made out with your brother.

You might not ever go on a third date. So there's no need in putting the uncomfortable stuff up front. The odds of meeting the brother is very slim. Yeah. And so would you tell him before you met the brother? Let's say things progress well and you finally see the family. And then you've been hiding something this whole time. It's like, oh, shit, I actually did know.

You did know that you made out with my brother. You didn't tell me for six months and now you're meeting him? Well, you're bringing this up right now. You never knew the brother. What is wrong with you, Elena? We're about to fucking meet my dad. Hi, Mom and Dad. Elena just dropped a pretty big mom show on me.

Oh, so you're not hiding? No. You put on the, oh, hey, I didn't see you there. She's a whore. This is you meeting her parents? So mean. So would you want to know as the guy? Would you tell as the guy?

Because then there's the opposite. What if you hooked up with a girl's sister? Would you say anything? I never want to know the bad news. And I never want to tell the bad news. And I only want to hear the good news. And I think- And I only want to tell the good news.

That one's pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things. You all remember the World War II? That's a bad one. The World War II? There's only one, brother. What? That's a bad one. The World War II.

Yeah, World War II. That wasn't good. Yeah. Or did you like the nukes? Did you think that was fine? No. Did you like D-Day? No.

Was that fine for you? No. Yeah, so World War II is pretty negative. So the fact that I hooked up with your sister, why are you not putting FDR on blast? You were so petty. He put Hiroshima on blast. Why are you doing that to me?

I didn't deserve that. I don't deserve that same treatment. So you're saying you don't want to know? You're not going to say? Yeah. I think there's no need to- like any other reasonable person wouldn't necessarily have this knowledge at this time. Yes.

So you could portend that you don't have it and let it come out naturally in the future if that future progresses. Got it. And you said portend. Yes. Is that the same word as pretend? But you said it in a kind of interesting way? Yeah, portend is actually- I'm trying to think what it actually means.

I think it's like what you would put forward or imagine, I believe. So it sounds very much like pretend. Yeah. But it's a different word. It is. So portend, it's like a portable pretend. So you can pretend on the go. Let's see what it means.

Okay. It's weird that two words that means such similar things are spelled so similarly. Yeah. Is there a word for that? Oh, this is- I didn't really use it right. To be a sign of or warning that something is likely to happen. Oh, like a sign or warning. So you could, I guess you could say like, does this rain portend a flood?

I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm just ordering a sandwich at a deli and it made me think, do you think that this rain portends a flood? Oh, to signify or to mean. So that's almost like pretending. Yeah. How did I use it in a sentence? Almost like pretend.

Like you should portend that it doesn't affect you or something. Oh, pretend is a synonym. Synonym. Of portend. Fortell, forecast. Promise, forebode. Fortell, portend. Pretend.

Freetend. Freetell. Is Freetell a word? No. Okay. Maybe, I don't know. So the question is, do I go on the date? You definitely still go on the date.

Yeah. And then the follow up is, do I play dumb or do I bring it up and clear the air and see how he feels? I don't think you have to bring it up this early. Yeah. No air to clear. Because odds are, I would say most first dates don't end in a second date. And if they do, then you don't even have to tell them yet.

Yeah. If you date your date with his brother, that didn't end in a second date. Yeah. But would you, it would be hard to marry somebody that ended up, that you know your brother made out with. No, it wouldn't. Okay. Actually, that brings us to another question from a guy.

Ooh. Let's call this man Christian Leitner. Very nice. I'm an 18 year old male and my girlfriend is a 18 year old female. We've been dating for three months and I love her about three years ago. My brother had a one day stand with her where he received a blow job. I knew this going into the relationship and thought it wouldn't bother me. But as feelings have developed, it has been eating at me.

If not for the situation, I would consider my girlfriend the most ideal girl I've ever come across. What do I do? My brother, a few of his friends and I are the only one who know of this. Much love and thanks in advance. Looks like your brother came across her too. Nice. What?

Sorry. I apologize. I like the idea of a one day stand. Have you ever had sex with a woman for the first and only time when it was sunny out? Ooh. I very much don't think so. Yeah. If I were you, I'd want it to be sunny too.

This podcast is going to be cut off short today, everybody, and you all understand why. Opening theme song was, yeah, that's right. Oh my gosh. I've never seen someone pull a cord at the 16 minute mark at the very least pull a civic. Why pull a cord? Oh my God. Yeah. The email is, if I were you show at gmail.com.

I am still not only a guest, but a ghost. Subscribe and rate us on iTunes if you have questions or theme songs. I would say this is out saying, but it's clearly the opposite. It's 100% insane. All right. I'm back in. Yeah. Yeah.

I had them out. Oh. Wax on, wax philosophical. You suck. You suck, man. Well, you suck too. Sorry, you suck shoe. Thanks for everything, Julie Neumar.

Wow. Keep it coming. Wow. Keep it coming. Oh no. If I were you, I'd want to have sex in the sun too. Full circle. So this guy had a one day stand, or this girlfriend had one day stand with her brother.

Correct? His brother. Not her own brother. Yeah, yeah. Oh, the funny thing is about this email is that the subject line is, my girlfriend blew my brother question mark. Three sad face emojis. Three sad?

So could you marry a lady knowing full well that she blew your brother at one point in time? Yeah, sure. You could be Eskimo brothers with your own brother? That wouldn't be full Eskimo brothers. What do you mean? Oh, because it was sex. It's not sex.

It's such a weird thing that like you'd have to have a baby at one point and then read it to sleep one night and be like, your mommy blew your uncle. There's no reason. And when the bell breaks, the cradle will fall or whatever the fuck. You wanted to be during a lullaby? Ideally during a lullaby. Your mother blew your uncle. Cradle will rock.

And down will come uncle blowjob and all. I just, I don't know if I could ever get over that. I really don't. Well, didn't you used to blow your ear? Yeah, I blew my brother, but that's like, I don't want to see like my future wife deal with that shit. Right. So when you, would your, if you, I guess you just sort of put it into this context

because you spent so much time blowing your older brother. Yeah. If you were dating somebody, would you like feel like you needed to tell them and would they be like, oh, that's all right, but like I'm your bluest brother? Yeah. I'd be like, I'm Eskimo and regular brothers with one of my brothers because he is an Eskimo. Yeah. I don't know if this, if it really matters, it's three years ago.

Yeah. Just a kind of weird thing to get over. I mean, you won't get over it. You'll, you'll always know it as a weird thing, but you just have to be a little bit better about thinking about it. Yeah. She, what does she fucking slurps a spaghetti noodle up? And all you can see is your brother's spaghetti ass dick going into her mouth like that.

Yeah. Sauce all over her shirt. She's not even being careful about the sauce. She didn't even tuck a napkin on her chest. I think people really get branded though, like by the people they hook up with and you like can't shake it. And for whatever reason, it like matters to people who, who know those facts, but doesn't really matter to the people that did the hooking up.

So like, I mean, the lighter example of this is like a friend hooked up with a girl that you're going to marry. Yeah. You're going to be able to sort of brush your side like, Hey, it happens. Friends hook up. Maybe we won't see this person anymore, but this person is your brother. So you're definitely going to see them a lot until you die. If anything, it's, it's nice that she knows your family so intimately or that she, you

know, had a, had a time where she blew your brother and she prefers your dick. Way to go. It's pretty neat. I don't really prefer your dick. It's just that your brother wouldn't call me back. Awesome. Till death do we part, baby. You really shouldn't have waited to tell me that on the wedding day.

For sure. For sure. Is this where you always sound like? I want to look up with your brother. It feels like your voice is getting nasally. Way to lock myself into. And then that's a few of his friends now. I guess it's, it really depends on you.

Some people wouldn't care. You sound like you wouldn't care. For some people, it would be hard to get over, but if this is the most ideal girl you've ever come across, it might be worth sweeping that under the emotional rug and getting over it. Or maybe you can get her back by eating out her mom's box. I'm fucking serious, man. I'm a dolphin's hunt.

The hunt is back and the hunt is on. The dolphin-dolphin zone, brother. I'm going to blow my fucking brains out in the bathroom and then we'll be back with some more questions and answers after this. I'm really going to fucking do it too. Man, fucking go for it dude. No, I wouldn't do that to you. I'll be back after the rake, man.

I wouldn't fucking subject you to that. Why'd you sign with him? No, you wouldn't do that. No way, man. You wouldn't want to. No quick ad, but you can absolutely do it. I don't want to just because I'm scared to do it. I want you to.

I don't want you to. I don't think you do. I would love it if you do. I don't think you do. I really don't think so. Because if you do think so, I'd be sad. I've never been sad. I want to do it myself, but I know I'd get in trouble.

I know. So I'm trying to convince you to do it. Juevos rancheros. The fucking do it to me. It was like an offensive Asian accent over a Spanish dish. How do you think I feel? I'm choking on gum. I'm just choking.

I'm just choking. I got to go. I got to go. And we'll be back with more questions and answers after this. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult

place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years.

So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today. You can get 10% off your first month.

So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. You can do an online store.

They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy. Amir Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. Maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website?

So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com. If I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code IfIWereYou to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com. If I were you free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code IfIWereYou to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace.

Los Angeles, San Francisco, Portland and Montreal. Montreal? Oh, yeah. End of July in Montreal. Tickets available. Perhaps not to the LA or San Francisco shows. We're going to sell those out soon, but there should be tickets still available to those four shows to the San Francisco, Portland, LA in June and then Montreal at the end of July. Yeah, if you live near Montreal, take a road trip because that's what we're doing.

Montreal. We're not taking a road trip. Well, I mean, we're driving or we're flying far away. It's a trip. I see. Yeah, take a trip. So even if you live in LA, you should come to Montreal. I think if you live anywhere, it's just like a nice destination show. Montreal in July, if you're thinking about a vacation, plan it around us. And it's part of a just for laughs comedy festival. So a bunch of funny comedians and friends are going to be there.

We're actually going to be hosting a head gum show in addition to our live podcast. What's up? Called Head Gum Live. Twin Innovation Twins will be there. Jeff and Dave will. And then Black Rankine Jump is going to be there. Gabris is going to be there. That'll be fun.

I should also want to mention that we were on Ian Carmel's All Fantasy Everything podcast drafting holidays last week. Yeah, I don't know if you saw the Twitter poll, but I was leading as of earlier. What? I saw that Ian was leading out as of earlier. But the website you can or you can go to headgum.com and check out the latest All Fantasy Everything. It's a really funny website where like four comedians get together and draft things. So our episode, the first episode we did was sandwiches.

We tried to draft the best sandwich team. And then this episode that we did is holidays. We tried to draft the best holidays and you will not believe the teams we ended up with. Jake, no spoilers, but drafted a holiday I've never heard of. Yep. Oh, shit. No, I'm losing. Yeah.

So check that out. Oh, there's only 32 votes. Everybody go vote for me. Wait, why not vote for me? Because your team sucked, dude. What are you talking about, man? Well, everybody should listen and then... Decide for themselves.

But if you're on the fence, I would say vote for me just because I'm secretly very sad. I am not a crook. Good Lord. What? You wear your emotions way too much on your sleeve. Yeah. No, that's true too. If I were you, that's actually true too.

Do you want to try to answer some more questions? Yeesh. What? That's the way of saying yes. Yeesh. I don't like that. Yeesh. Gross.

All right. That's fine. You don't have to love it and just... Not yet. I don't love it. I don't like it at all. All right. Well, we've been doing a lot of episodes of the podcast, so it's important to try different

like bits and chips. I agree. But yeesh. Yeesh. I don't like it. Well, all right. It's fine. It's like making me...

You don't have to say it. You don't have to say it. It's just going to be my thing and maybe it'll catch up. I've got a nauseous hearing. All right. All right. Well, I apologize for that. Didn't mean to make you sick.

Fuck, it's fine. Let's just take... Give me 30 seconds, because I really feel so... Are you asking my permission to take 30 seconds? Yeah. Can you just talk about something else? Oh, my God. Oh.

Are you talking about anything you want? I'm afraid of asking you yes or no questions. I think... Well, sometimes I'll say no. It's like I'm getting... Yeesh. I'm getting like car sick. It's a spell.

It's a fucking... Yeesh. It's a fucking... Yeesh. What are you doing? It's a fucking TILTER WORL. Oh, man, project alphabets everywhere. I'm curing you.

All right. This one is written by a... Ooh, gal. It's another female Duke basketball player. I wish I knew. I wish I knew. Female Duke basketball player named... Well, let me just think.

I'm not Googling or anything. I just needed this name to pop into my mind is all. And now that I remember, the name is... Faith Suggs. Perfect. That's a cool name. Faith Suggs writes... I'm a 20-year-old sophomore gal in college.

And it's been two years since my last relationship. And let's just say the dating scene has been pretty damn uneventful and non-existent. Despite being on campus pretty much Monday through Friday and then some, I have had no luck in the dating slash hookup realm. I mean, I don't have a problem being alone. In fact, I enjoy it. But oh sheesh, y'all. A girl has gotten...

Sorry, a girl has got both emotional and physical needs. Would you say that's correct? Excuse me? A girl has both emotional and physical needs. If that's what she says. Anyways, it's as if I can't seem to meet someone at school. So I guess this is the problem. I don't really like online dating.

Nearly everyone is on Tinder or Bumble or OKCupid or some type of app. But it just doesn't appeal to me. I don't think there is anything wrong with the concept of the apps itself. And I know many people have had great success with it. But it's just not my cup of tea. I'd rather meet a guy in person. It's just my most likely irrational but personal preference. I guess I don't knock it till I try it, but I digress.

Maybe at the core, I'm just a dumbass hopeless romantic, but my questions are this. Is it possible to still meet people in real life or has Tinder taken over, making it the only slash best way of meeting slash dating people? As long as I am not on these online apps, am I destined to be single for life? Should I just suck it up and download Tinder even though I'm not at all into it? Do you think that these dating apps have taken away the significance of relationships in dating or made it better? Sorry for the convoluted email.

I'm just really curious to hear what y'all have to say about this, especially Jake, because I know he's a real pimp when it comes to Tinder. Thank you so much in advance for any advice. Tota, love, faith sucks. Sugs. Because you gotta have faith, faith, faith. Is there anything to it? Has Tinder in any way ruined dating in real life?

I mean, I don't think it's ruined dating. It's changed the game. I think it's not just Tinder though. Being such a connected society, I think, has changed the dating game. I don't think it's a bad thing, but I think not embracing it. You can either reject it and be like, I'm going to meet people traditionally, and that might work and it might not, but you're not really living in the modern world. You could be apathetic.

You could say, hey, fine, maybe I'll download Tinder. I hate this, but I gotta try. Or you could be proactive, and you could do everything. And I think that you gotta be firing on all cylinders here. Just because you're on Tinder doesn't mean you're closing yourself off to the chance encounter of perhaps meeting someone IRL. Yeah, you might go on a shitty Tinder date and that person leaves, and then all of a sudden you catch the eye of somebody at a bar, and you're like, oh, hello.

Yeah, it's whatever gets you out and about. And it's weird because some people are against online dating. They want to meet people IRL, but you are meeting them in real life as well. It's not like your entire relationship is online and that you're texting and chatting and you're never actually meeting these people. It's just like a little life hack to meet more people IRL. Yeah, Tinder is kind of like any app. Like email is also the same way.

You don't have to have email. You can write letters to people, but it's much less efficient. You can meet people IRL too, but it's going to be much less efficient. You can't meet as many people as you could on Tinder. And on Tinder you can kind of vet people beforehand. So you get to know a little bit about them before you waste your time and money going out to meet and date people. So when she says it's Tinder the only slash best way of meeting people,

I wouldn't say it's the only. Would you say it's the best? Maybe not Tinder specifically, but I think that dating apps and like at least communicating electronically before you go meet somebody is helpful to like get a sense of if you'll get along with that person. You know it's starting to happen and maybe we've talked about this on the show before, but maybe we haven't. We've only talked about it offline is the idea that every app is kind of

turning into a dating app. Yeah. Like with Instagram DMs and Facebook and Twitter DMs. I honestly think Instagram DMs are probably that's like the forefront of dating now. Yeah. Slide into a DM. It's like. Twitter DMs have been around for a long time.

It's the Instagram DMs. You can really like find total. I went on a date with somebody based on an Instagram comment section once. Really? Yeah. It's not even a DM. There's like a straight up public comment on like a mutual friends photo. Wow.

And then it got to the point where she wrote her number. I copied it. Then she deleted it and then we just like deleted her comments. Yeah. Instagram is like Tinder, but much more open-ended. So people and relationships can be on there. You don't even have to put selfies on there. Is there a good way to find out if someone is single or in a relationship on Instagram?

I guess just like looking through their photos. I guess people, you can attach your Instagram to Tinder now, but one nice thing about Instagram is that like if you think you like somebody, you can go pretty far like deep into that. You can like really get into the stocking. Yeah. And Tinder, you only ever have like five photos unless they have their Instagram. And you know what I've noticed recently is that Instagram is now like six, seven, eight years old.

Like you can go through people's photos and it goes so far back. Yeah. Instagram feels newer than like Facebook and Twitter and it is, but it's still kind of old. Like people have had it for so long. Yeah. It is interesting. They really keep it fresh, man.

Like there's a photo of me as a 10-year-old on Instagram. Well, that's because you did that activity. Yeah, last week. It was me. That'd be interesting if Instagram would do like a little like a dating thing. Like you could make it something in your profile. Yeah. Instead of just literally bit by bit copying Snapchat, they should just do that with Tinder.

Yeah. So it's like, if you like this person, let them know. That's what it would be. You know what they should do is like a private thing where they're like, are you single? Are you looking for people? And it's like yes or no. Oh, and then if you are, it just like puts you in a bucket with other single people. So there's like a little page you could go to.

So you're scrolling through Instagram and then it's like, oh, this person is single in your area. Yeah. So you know what? It would be like instead of you could, you could like the photo. Yeah. Of course. Or you can super like it. Yeah.

But that's like, you can heart it. You can comment and that's like sort of the way you flirt now. Yeah. Or you can like swipe it to the right and that's a little, and that's like a poke or something. That's like a nudge. That's like, this person likes you. Oh, that's good. Like a poke or a nudge or like, and that like opens up a DM.

If that other person maybe does the same to one of your photos or something. I don't know. Yeah. There's got to be a way to do it. It opens up like an optional DM for the person who you liked. Right. And that way. So how can I use it?

Like if I want to sleep with 10,000 people this year. Look, I've said it before, we should make a dating app. I don't know what we're waiting for. We fucking single-handedly launched Tinder for them. You think that was us? No, but. We didn't hurt. I think it helped.

I think we helped. We gave them a lot of free promo. You know who can help us build this Tinder app is Armin, the guy who built our website. Oh, yes. In fact, this is a perfect segue to talk about the Tinder related online dating app that Armin did build, which is called Pickbot, P-I-C-B-O-T, which helps you find the best photos with anonymous feedback from potential matches. So if you are on Tinder Bumble and you don't know which picture to use, I default into just asking my friends. Maybe there's a female out there that could give me quality feedbacks.

So Pickbot, which is this app that Armin made, helps you make the right first impression. And it works for Tinder, Bumble, OKCube, any other app. You upload a bunch of photos and people will tell you which ones are the best one of you. I've had people tell me that they swiped me in one direction or another based on what photo I had. Yeah. Because you can vary wildly. And the first photo is so important. So if you use Pickbot, which is Armin's app, you can upload photos from basically any photo you have.

And you can even hide it from your Facebook friends to prevent awkwardness. And it's available both in the App Store and on Google Play for iOS and Android. The app again is Pickbot, P-I-C-B-O-T. And it basically helps you choose the best, most flattering photo of yourself. I should also say, there's also two Pickbots in the App Store when I went to download it. So it's the one with the rainbow heart emoji as the icon. That's right. I wish I had Pickbot back in my Tinder in days.

Yeah, we used to, I used to just like help you with your pictures. Yeah, and the problem is I used to, I chose that really unflattering shot of like lasagna all over my ass and like that other one where I looked like really just disgust. I was greasy. It was like the kind where I... You photoshopped your face into the goat's-y guy's hole. Yeah, and I didn't get any matches because it was so... And I got kicked off Tinder because it like violated their privacy rules.

And it was just, it was what's it called when it's... On the real though, Armin, if you're listening, I want to develop a dating app. Hit me up and yell my ass. Would it be any different from Tinder? Yeah, because it would be from me. So it'd be like a little more chill. It'd be from Minder. Minder, yeah.

That's what I would call it. From Minder. From Minder. And you would say either no or yay. That's right. Yay. All right, let's answer one last Tinder question just because we're on a Tinder roll. Ooh, from another lady.

What's up? Shit. And you don't have a basketball player. Look at the roster open. Good man. Kendall Cooper. Oh. That's a good name too.

Kendall Cooper writes, I'm a 24-year-old woman and I've been out of college for two years. Since graduation, I've moved to three different cities. And the third one, I'm currently still in. And it's feeling pretty long-term, so now I'd like to focus on meeting people. Primarily, guys. I've downloaded Tinder, Bumble, and whatever the one with the bagel is. But I need some kind of advice on how to interpret profiles. I'd like to give the app slash online dating thing a shot, and I don't have any issues with it.

But I'm having trouble telling if a guy is on the app to hook up or to genuinely meet someone. Or am I a fool and they're all just looking to hook up. No judgment if that's true. That's just not why I'm on here. Flipside, are there cliches slash taboos that girl put on their profiles that I should avoid doing? Thanks. Love. Cooper, Connor.

Kendall Cooper. Okay. I got it. My least favorite thing to see is somebody being snarky and mean in their profile. Like if you're under six feet, swipe left. Yeah. Or I'm only going to be on the set for a few days, so get it while you can. Yeah.

I just don't like when people have a list of rules in their bio. No rules. No mirror selfies. Yeah. No shirtless pics. Yeah. You can just swipe right. Just swipe left.

Huh? Oh, no. I'm getting lots of matches with shitty guys because I also swipe them right. It's also fun. You don't have to tell people what not to have and to swipe left. Like if you swipe them left for not having those things, there's no need. Yeah. You don't have to be mean about that.

It's just like a PSA. Anyway, that's my profile note. And is there any way to tell if a guy's in it to hook up or to date? I think everybody's in there to hook up. Well, usually the different apps, I feel like mean different things. I think Tinder is really, it's a hookup app, but how often do people that hook up and like hooking up start dating? That happens.

Yeah. So you can hook up and date. I think there's some sweet boys on Tinder. There's sweet boys everywhere, but I don't think Tinder has like the, I don't think people download it to meet their soulmate. What about the putting in the bio, hey, not looking for a hookup? I think that like, that's fine, but like even if you say I'm not looking for a hookup, you'll still match with guys that are.

And if you're not looking for a hookup, you're just looking to date and you go on a date and the guy is awesome. What does that mean? Does that mean you won't hook up with them? You want to take it slow or does that mean that you will hook up with them, but then you want to hook up with them again? Yeah. I think it's, I guess I don't know, but in my head it's like, if you're not just looking

for a hookup, you can still hook up, but like you want it to mean something. You don't want that person to like ghost your ass. Yeah. It seems like that can come up in the actual date. You'll see if the guy is just interested in hooking up, but then you can get annoyed like, oh, every guy I want to go out with just wants to fuck and not want to be in a relationship. The problem is that they can lie to you really at any point.

Yeah. Like in the app, you could like, they could see your profile and like they can lie to you then you could be chatting and they can lie to you then you could be about to fuck them and they could lie to you right there and they could date you for a year, say they love you and be lying and then vanish. You know, everything, everything's on the table here. But can you kind of tell who the sweet boys are versus the regular boys? Yeah.

You just got to use your best judgment. There's, you can tell what the, who the sweet boys are. I feel like you should be able to tell even not maybe in the photos, maybe in the chat, maybe on the date, but at a certain point you'll be able to tell. Yeah. You can deduce the sweet boys. That's actually a pretty good name for our dating app. The sweet boys.

The sweet boys. And we'll only accept sweet boys. So you can't even kiss on the first date. Nope. That's one of the rules because actually part of the dating app is that I am a chaperone on every single date. So you're personally liaisoning, liaising between the two parties. Yes.

And let's say a sweet boys on a date with a cute girl and you're there and you happen to want to be with a cute girl. Do you have the option to tap in for the sweet boy? Yeah. You can always tap in if the sweet boys. I mean, you can always tap in. I can always tap in. Can anybody else be a chaperone?

No. This is my app. The app is for you to be a date liaison. Chaperone. Interlocutor. Yeah. And then at any point during the date, if you should like the girl, you get to tap in. Yeah.

And then if I change my mind, I can tap out. So the guy has to really sit there if I tap in. Idly by. Idly by. That can be the name of it actually. Idly by. You know what else would be a cool app if like just for me, everybody submits their dating profile to me, all the girls, and then all the sweet boys submit their dating profile

to me. And then I just match them up together. Oh, so you choose which girls go with which sweet boys. Yeah. I am the matchmaker. So it's just a matchmaking app. That's hard to scale though because if we can't get thousands of people a day, you'd be too busy.

Yeah, that's true. But I like the idea. We basically have to choose who you want to attract, the males or the females. It seems like Tinder attracts males, Bumble attracts females because they have to make their first move. Like your idea of an app where you can't hook up on the first date might attract some pretty great females and some sweet boys. Yeah.

I feel like I'm more often getting asked by great women if I know any sweet boys. Yeah. So I think I should have a pocket full of sweet boys. This is my dating app. Okay. So you know five sweet boys. Yeah. So like John Grimm would be a sweet boy.

Exactly. He's like, oh, can you set my friend up with somebody? And then I'm like, oh, here's one. Here's a sweet boy. Here's a sweet boy. Yeah. And I could like, it'd be like, bump. I could bump my phone and then she's got John Grimm's contact info and then she's off

to the sweet boy races. Yeah. And then she doesn't have to worry about like this guy was just down to fuck her and leave her. Yeah. But I didn't really have to vent the sweet boys. I'd have to go on a date with each sweet boy. So you have to.

So the app is any girl can join, but then you have to go on a date with a bunch of sweet boys to actually see if they're sweet boys. I would honestly like to go on the dates with the girls too. So you have to go on a date with the male and the female and then you can see which girl belongs to which sweet boy. I don't know if I need to like date the guy. I could probably just go out with the girl. Got it.

And how many sweet boys would you say you know right now? I don't, I'm not worried about like introducing them to anybody. Okay. So you want to just, so this is an app where you match with girls and nobody else does or you're all the guys on it and then girls can join? I don't want to pretend that I like that. No, we still got to think about this app. I don't want to do too much work.

We got to just get people all, it's the new age Tinder. What's the next iteration of Tinder? Bumble had a nice spin. Yeah, the girls, only the girls can message. Yeah. What about the opposite? Only dudes convention. Finally.

Guys get a leg up. Actually, there's so many dudes on our app. It's only dudes. Sweet dudes. It's hot little sweet boys matching with each other. Winner gets the girl. And there isn't one. Absolutely not.

Of course. This is a dolphin's hunt. For you in the zone, the hunt zone. All right, cool. We tried our best to help people. What can you say? What can you do? Thanks again for writing in.

If you have a theme song or a question of your own, it's iffireyoushow at gmail.com. If you want some more, me and Jake, reminder, we're on the latest All Fantasy Everything podcast hosted by Ian Carmel. We fantasy draft our holidays. That one's a two hour long episode, so if you need some more, me and Jake in your life, check out that episode. It was a fun time. See which holidays we value the most.

Spoiler alert, I dislike Christmas. Spoiler alert, I don't like gifts. Spoiler alert, nobody likes me. There, there, there. Anyway, I think I said this already, but the email for everything is iffireyoushowatgmail.com. Check out Armin's Pickbot app if you're looking to get the best photo for your application, and we'll be back next week on a Monday. The opening theme song was written by Nolan, and this closing one was written by, I believe

his name is, Mike Simons, shout out to his band, Sex Cauldron, and his gram, Big Mike 8750. So yeah, you don't even need Tinder, you can just follow Mike on Instagram, Big Mike 8750. Toad off for listening, we'll be back next week, goodbye, ciao, Arrivederci, shalom, good night, good fight, goodbye, good eve, good morrow, ni, howl to you, yours, and everyone around you, just know we're thinking about you, we love you, and we appreciate it. Thanks for listening, this is Amir Blumenfeld signing off for the 276th time.

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