If I Were You - 278: Street Fighter Sex

Episode Date: June 12, 2017

In this episode we discuss class clowns, mad dads, and bad tats. Questions compiled by our new awesome summer interns!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. This guy says, plug my Instagram and it's fucking private. Well, you can add him. No. Too proud to request. You are 15 after all.

You're getting mad at a ninth grader. Yeah, not the first time. In Jackass videos, there's people that do scary things. There's people that do painful things. Then there's people that do exciting things. And then there's just weird pranks. Like dressing up as like a little, a tidy whitey boy. I was the, I was the Chris Pontius of my group.

So you were down to embarrass yourself. Yeah. And my buddy Ian, he was the stevo. He was down to hurt himself. Yeah. Who else, what else is there? There's like scary stuff, like jumping off stuff or. Well, that was, isn't that sort of, that's stevo.

What about the skill stuff, like the skateboarding? That was my buddy, Eli. He was, he was more of the Bam Margera of the crew. Yeah. And my buddy Kevin was the Ryan Dunn because he's dead now. Jesus Christ. Also, I would taze him on purpose, all tazes nuts. I was more of the Johnny Knoxville, actually.

And you were the, you were the Dave England. I was the uncle. What's the uncle? Oh, Don Vito. Yeah, I was Don Vito. He's dead too. Oh, really? Damn.

So my friends would sort of slap me and run away or they'll shave my head. You were often antiqued as a child. God, even as a 15 year old, I was like, man, Bam Margera is kind of a dick. Yeah, Bam Margera is a seemingly a true asshole. Yeah. And then they would throw him in a pit of snakes every once in a while. And I was like, all right, I guess he got what was coming to him. Yeah.

Which is funny because he would be like, get me out of here. I swear I hate snakes. And didn't he like also, it was, wasn't it him that like really came up with everything? Oh, was it? I think so. Maybe it was Johnny Knoxville. He was a skateboarder too, right? Yeah, yeah.

He was very good. It seems like if you had friends like that, you should not tell them what your biggest fear is. That seems like a dangerous game. I would love to watch a Jackass documentary, but like not produced by the Jackass guys. Uh-huh. Like just a really somber, serious like look and interview with, you know, what they, what they created, what they did, who they were. Yeah.

Almost like a 30 for 30, but it's not really about sports. Yeah. That'd be cool. I wonder, maybe we can produce that. Let's pitch him. Okay. Hold on. Let me tweet at Knoxville right now.

Shit. He's dead too. Oh my God. God, they live such fast and furious lives. It would be funny if Steve-o outlived them all. It seems indestructible. He is clean now. Yeah.

All right. Anyway, this is a fire review. Only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me and Jake. I'm Amir Blumenfeld. I'm Amir Schwell Blumenfeld. And I am Penn Cooper. Whoa. I'm going to drop the Jewish parts of my name.

So. Just Anglo. So I got my 23 and me back. Did you know that? Oh, your DNA test. Yeah. And I am 100% Jewish. Technically, I'm more British and Irish and French and German.

I'm more like European than... So I'm like 48% all those European things and then 47% Ashkenazi Jew. Wow. So it's straight right down the middle, basically. So if Ashkenazi Jew is a 47% chunk, it seems like the rest is made out of smaller portions. Yeah. I think those go further back. Like on my mom's side, it's like kind of mixed.

They were in England and Ireland for a long time. But then I guess like it concentrates... On my dad's side, they're just 100%. They're from like Belarus or something. So did you learn anything? Did they tell you anything about like diseases and stuff or just like... Yeah. They tell you what you're a carrier for and if you're like susceptible to Alzheimer's and

stuff. And? No. I'm not going to... At risk for Alzheimer's or Parkinson's. Alzheimer's and I forget the other one. No, I am very high at risk. Of course.

That's why I make those jokes. I'm already displaying very serious symptoms of early onset dementia, diabetes, and I have a new disease. You're also completely incontinent. I'm pissing myself. Would you rather get a disease that is curable but bad, say a cancer, or a disease so rare that they call it Jake Hurwitz disease? Curable.

All right. Hey. What kind of legacy is it to have like the worst thing happen to you? But it's kind of cool you have a disease named after you. Yeah, I don't think so. So what I want, a mere Blumenfeld's disease or ABD to be. That's when your eyes, your eyes fall out, dick falls off. This is when you have diarrhea and lice at the same damn time.

Damn time. Can you believe that? Sufferers from ABD have an itchy scalp and wet shit trickling down their thighs literally at all times. Hot shit too. So you have like sort of fecal matter on your hands a lot but then you're also itching your scalp. That's right.

Yeah. And there's only one cure for it. And the feces in your hair gets more lice. And the lice get more shit somehow. It's a nervous cycle. And there's only one cure. And that's to kiss me on the cheek. Insane.

Which is why you can't cure it. Because I'm the biggest carrier of all. Anyway, think about it. Let me know if you want it. That's also a way to catch it. The cure is the disease. How fucked up is that? So for this episode, we had a new crop of interns join us, right?

Correct. So there are questions that the interns found for us this first batch. We gave them access, carte blanche access to the emails. And this is the first couple of questions that came up. Shout out to our interns. You know all their names? There's a girly McGee, guy guy, girl two. And then there's guy, the other guy.

Oh yeah. First guy, then guy guy, girly McGee and girl two. Who's your favorite so far? I like girly McGee. I think guy guy's pretty good. Mine's a tie between guy guy and guy two. I only like the guys. Guy two is new.

Did you read these questions? I haven't read them yet. Do you have them? Yeah. Oh, you know what? We'll give them a name from, we'll name them after each of the interns. So these are, oh, that's a good idea. These are, these are questions that are kid tested and mother approved.

You're the mother. And I get a kicks out of them. Come on, mommy, read the questions. Oh, this is funny. You're teasing me by calling me a woman. Like that's a bad thing to be. I was just saying that you're doing games. Like being a mother is a bad thing.

Like that's the negative. I don't think so. I think mothers are very strong, protective. I think that's just funny to call you mommy. Been through it all. You're amazing women. Okay. So I'll call you mommy.

So we'll take the position of I think women are strong and capable and you think it's fun to belittle them. Don't call me mommy. What? It makes me sound gay. All right. So this one comes from guy guy, AKA John George. Oh, that's good.

All right. John George writes, hi guys. So I've always been the class clown. I was a youngster because I enjoy making people laugh. Sorry. Never mind. Here we go. This is the real question.

Hi guys. I've been the class clown since I was a youngster because I enjoy making people laugh. The problem is I quickly realized nobody takes you seriously when you're the funny one. I started a new job recently where I would actually like to progress within, but I have quickly gone back to the old loop of me making them laugh and then quickly laughing at my expense. I'm never going to get a promotion if everybody thinks I'm the village idiot, but I'm not sure how else to socialize.

Please advise John George. So he's a class clown and he fears that that's not giving him respect. In the office. I like to imagine that this guy has a very, very serious job in counterintelligence and then he's putting his dick through a donut hole in the kitchen. Whoa. Hey. Anyway, I am a criminal justice attorney and a social worker.

None of my little fart jokes are getting him all out play in the office. If anything, they're putting a whoopee cushion on Comey's chair during the hearing. Who heard that? Have you ever suffered this? The problem is we're class clowns, but our jobs were at comedy websites. Yeah. So it helped that we had to be funny. Yeah.

Can you imagine a job so serious that it would hurt to be funny? Yeah. I feel like there were times at College Humor where I would get nervous that I hadn't been funny enough. Yeah. You're taking it too seriously. People didn't laugh at any of my jokes today. I have to step it up.

I have to be funny. Yeah. Y'all want to play Quiplash? That's a Quiplash. So how can you, you don't want to be less funny. That doesn't seem like it's good. I feel like there, I'm inferring that he's doing a lot of like slapstick. You know, this guy's like an actuary and he's walking into a boardroom and pushing a pie

in his face. Yeah. Like that kind of humor. Can you imagine 1950s Jerry Lewis walking around sort of yelling at people. Holding pets while they're being put down. I feel like you could still be funny. You can have a good sense of humor, especially if your job is sort of like a dry kind of job.

You know, if you have even a little sense of humor, you might be able to use, like that's also called charm. You could be charming and funny and quirky and a little silly, but you don't have to be like big hand bone piss your pants to make people laugh. They don't have to be laughing at you. Can you be charming without being funny? You're just nice and British. Yeah.

I think you could, well, you could be charming and you could, I think you could be funny in lots of different ways without like cracking jokes. You could just like be nervous and have an interesting vocabulary and that's like funny to people. That's like what Hugh Grant is. Yeah. He's a little bumbling, but charming, but he's also funny. But he's not, yeah, I guess so, but I think he's not, he's not like outwardly funny.

He sort of finds himself in funny situations and his choices, his word choices are different. Yeah. You could also be charming by just being really polite, I think. You know, it'd be cool if as a human you could trade in some stuff for other stuff. So for example, I would trade in some comedy and I would add, sprinkle a little bit of like, yeah, abs and dick. So you would, would you be 10% less funny to have 10% more dick and more abs? Let's see, what's 10% of a foot and a half?

I really have an 18 inch cock. That's a problem. It is. I'll sacrifice comedy to make it smaller. It's way too long and it's always soft. It won't get hard. It's a soft little fucking straw wrapper. It's a burn it.

Wait, so it's a straw wrapper? Mm-hmm. You said it was 18 inches. It is 18 inches, but it's a straw wrapper. So it's an 18 inch. So it's very thin. And a thin little paper cock, 18 inches long. It's a noodle.

It is a little noodle. It's a fucking noodle. Mm-hmm. It's a word spaghetti. Overcooked and under delivered. It is not al dente. It is al bunde. I don't know what that means.

Anyway, sacrifice some of that classic joke. Al bunde. That could be a cool short film. It's like everybody has like Xbox stats, like comedy, vertical leap, impressability, introversion, outroversion, and then you can trade and adjust accordingly. Oh yeah, that's cool. I mean, that's like when you're setting up a video game character. There's only a certain amount of boxes that you can go and sometimes people will be like

all strength. Yeah. And none of the agility or speed. Right. Yeah. What do you say? I guess that's like the future. That's cool.

I'm trying to think, what are you high in? What am I high in? What am I low in? I guess I'm high in comedy, low in math numbers, being smart at math. Being good at math. Yeah. But would you trade it? Do you necessarily wish you were better at math or it doesn't really come up that often?

I mean, I think I was better at something. I feel like that's all strength things. I would like to be able to run fast and jump high. Oh, athletics. Yeah. Oh, you know what? I have like sort of bad coordination. I'd rather have good coordination.

Hand-eye. Yeah. Or hand-cock. Hand-eye. Of course. Amazing coordination between my hand and my cock. You jerk off with your left hand to your right. Left.

Nice. Yeah. But I dribble with my right. Interesting. Well, do you watch porn? Do you use a computer to watch porn or a phone to watch porn? Yeah. Or do you use your imagination?

I would say it's a healthy mix between those three. Those three? Yeah. I can use my imagination. I've been jerked off with my imagination in 10 years. Why? I save that for when I'm fucking. There's only a certain amount of imagination points I get every lifetime.

And if I waste it when I'm alone, what I do is I use my computer when I'm fucking. That way I can use my imagination when I'm alone. And I use my tablet when I'm jerking off. My iPad. I'll use the back of both of my heels, too. So I'm hands-free. Really? Yeah.

I have a Bluetooth. Oh, aren't you in like, you're, so you're doing a headstand on your forearms against a wall. A plank of sorts. Yeah. Heels around your 18-inch noodle. Dick. I'm sitting Indian style.

Yeah. Yeah. Indian style upside down. Uh-huh. And you're watching TV like your phone is on the floor. I'm using, I'm looking like Dalsam, right? Okay. So I'm using yoga dick.

And then it's like coming out of there as fire. So that's sort of a Hadouken. Yeah. It's also, it can be interpreted as a Hadouken or a lit spot Hadouken. I think I'm going to start saying Hadouken when I orgasm. That's nice. Hadouken. That's really good.

I'm close. I'm close. Oh, oh. Hadouken. Yeah. And I feel like if the lady appreciates a good street fighter two reference, then she'll stick around. Do you imagine it's Ryu or Ken?

Ken. Because they both do Hadouken. Yeah. That is weird. I picture myself as Ken as well. Yeah. And then if you can make your lady go all the way, she can be like spinning side click. And then she just starts rotating like, you know.

Wow. 360 degrees over and over. Chun Lee. Is that who that is? Yeah. We should, on our Twitch, we should play Street Fighter. Can we do that? Oh.

I imagine you're just a dull seam you in the corner punching with long arms. Not even punching. I'm just getting up and throwing you unblockable, cheesing all the way down to zero energy. You're bad at video games, but you have like, there's one thing you can do in each game that's endlessly annoying that you always win. Like in GoldenEye, I'll use proximity mines to my advantage. Yeah. That was, oh man.

It's on the podcast, but that trip that we took where I was running the table. I beat everybody at GoldenEye. And then, but the one thing I couldn't do is beat you with proximity mines. What's that level call or it's like two floors? Not the temple? Not the temple. The facility? It was, it's two floors, but like the floors are like almost translucent so you can put

a proximity mine underneath. Oh. And it would like hit you. I think that's the facility. Yeah. Anyway, we should play this on our Twitch. Shout out to our Twitch. Twitch.tv slash head gum.

We've been playing games. We've been having fun. We've been chatting. We've been interacting with fans. If you don't know really know about Twitch, we didn't really know about Twitch before we got started, but it's fairly easy to watch along. You don't necessarily need a Twitch account. You need a Twitch account to subscribe, but I think you can watch when it's happening

live and we usually post about it on our Twitter or our Facebook. So check out the Twitch.tv slash head gum trying to do it every Friday. And for advice to this guy, I think you can continue making people laugh. That's a great quality, but try not, you don't have to be the clown. You can be the comic. There's a difference between a clown and a comic. There sure is. All right.

Next question. This one also comes from a guy, but let's give him a lady's name. Oh, you know what? Riley, that sort of can be interpreted either way. Yeah. A female intern, but it could be also a male's name. Okay. Hello boys.

I'm a high school junior dude in the U S and I have a weird predicament. So the other day I was with my dad at the high school because he plays pickup basketball with some other dads in town and I thought I'd join in to shoot some hoops while talking to some of the other dads. One of them jokingly asked about the inside scoop on his son who's in my grade. I don't really like to lie. So I was just bluntly honest. I flat out told the dad in grave detail how much of a dickling his son was.

Looking back, I basically berated the father and went on about how his son is a wicked roach and how he's actually a really big idiot. I wouldn't have been so candid, but in the past years of high school, the kid has been really mean to me and my friends. Having the dad there, I saw the opportunity to go off. I don't really regret what I did because the bitch kind of deserves it for raising the spawn of Satan. But now my dad's mad at me for being a coy boy of himself.

He also told me that I can't come with him to basketball anymore. Anyway, what should I do? Do I really apologize because I don't want to? Loving kisses from yours bitchly. Riley. I like the question. Oh, there's a PS here. Oh?

PS, I was a little nervous to go back to the school the Monday after because I thought that the son of my dad I yelled at was going to beat me up or beat mad at me because I basically tattled. Of course. Of course, the dad must have been pretty upset about it and yelled at the kid or something because ever since then, whenever I'm around, the diva roach averts his eyes and gays and honestly looks scared of me. And what can I do a.k.a. tell on him until he's yelled at?

Should I tell on him until he's yelled at? I like the idea of like, do I have to apologize like as if it like actually does anything? Like I really don't mean it. I don't want to say I'm sorry. Fine. I will. I'm sorry. Oh, it hurts me.

It changes everything. It hurts so much to say it. Fuck. Uh, this is funny. He told on a friend, he told on a bully to his dad. What a weird thing. Would you rather raise a bully or a nerd? Nerd.

Loser. I'm raising a bully. You're a nerd. Exactly. I want to raise my kid to be such an asshole. He would beat the shit out of me if given the chance. Wow. Yeah, that's right.

A nerd would also be the shit out of you. Uh, it seems like it worked. This guy is seemingly scared slash nicer to him. Yeah. I mean, I don't think they're at first. I just don't like that this guy hid behind the guys of like, I had to be honest. Like, don't pretend to be a no, like you did. You went off.

Yeah. You don't have to like really throw this kid under the bus. That's not being honest. That's like being, you're being opportunistic. So at least own the fact, which I guess he does by the end admit that he straight up wanted to ruin this kid's life. But you never have really carte blanche access. I keep saying that, but you never have free reign to tell on a kid to their father.

Like when the opportunity arose, especially because the dad asked them, he can. It's weird that this would be opportunity though. Like I would never have done this. Somebody's like, how's my kid? If he's a piece of shit, I would just be like, I don't really know him. Oh, really? Yeah. But if this kid's been tormenting you, it'd be kind of fun to be like, you know what?

Funny you should ask. He's a, he's a pretty big asshole and nobody likes him. Yeah. I mean, it's, it's got a lot of cajones to do that. Yeah. Other proper channels would have been to talk to your dad and then that, that could have talked to the other dad. Dads talk to dads.

Kids don't talk to dads. Oh, that question had a funny email subject, isn't it? It's like some weird rhyme that doesn't quite make sense. Made us laugh. Really? Yeah. Don't recall. It's like I yelled dad and now mine thinks I'm bad or something like that.

One second. All right. I archived it. Of course. Because I thought we were. Naturally. Yeah. With the segment.

Actually as I archived it, I was like. You deleted it permanently. Yeah. I yelled one dad and now mine is mad. I yelled one dad. So you must say I yelled at one dad and now mine is mad. I guess like as a dad, I would be mad if my kid was like rude to another dad. You'd be a mad dad.

I would be a mad dad. You got to respect your parents. So like you went off on one dad, your dad's mad. You got to be like, I'm sorry, dad. My bad dad. Yeah. I didn't make to make my dad. I don't think that's your place.

So he shouldn't have done it. And now going forward, what can he do? I mean, you might as well like you've gotten what you wanted. You wanted this kid to get in trouble and have it get back to. Yeah. He just wanted him to have a little nasty time at home. I don't think that his intention was to make the dad upset. So you should do your best to make the dad not upset.

Otherwise you're the bully. You just bullied a dad. How is that fair? So your bully is in trouble. Yeah. That's good. But the dad feels upset and bad. So you should apologize for that.

And then that's fine. The net outcome is still positive. It's still pro you. And if the dad is that mad, ask the grandfather what he thinks. Let him know that his dad didn't do anything. Granddad is the ultimate dad. You don't want to make grand mad. That would be the worst type of mad.

All right. Let's take a break. Let's thank some more sponsors. Let's be back after that. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist,

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Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data.

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Thank you, Squarespace. Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back. I know you like us. Our show in San Francisco coming up is sold out. What? The next day we have a show in Portland that still has some tickets available. On June 20th. Wow.

Our show the next night in LA is sold out. Then in July, we have a if I were you show in Montreal as part of the comedy festival on July 26th. Now that one's worth taking a vacation for. And then the following day, there's a whole headgum showcase with Twin Innovation Boys, Black Man, Can't Jump, me and you are hosting. You're hosting Twin Innovation. Oh yeah.

I'm going to guest host Twin Innovation. How's that? I'm very excited. So you're going to take over Carnel seat. Oh yeah. Does he trust you to do so? I'm a little worried this whole thing is an elaborate ruse or something or a prank, a public winking of myself.

But I've got nothing but love and respect for the mama bear. You have to show her deference. Oh wait. So our show in Montreal is July 25th, which is a Tuesday. My headgum live, which we're hosting is Wednesday, July 26th. And those are, I think they're both in the same theater? The Maison? Yes.

Yes. Both of the same theater. I'll put the link up on jakeandamere.com. So you guys can buy tickets. Check those out. Buy your tickets now. Because I think at some point they go to just like festival pass holders or something. I don't know how it works, but buy tickets.

Cool. Great. Awesome. Fun. Friendly. Oh, this poster looks nice. My headgum live. Go check out the poster.

What else we got coming up? You're going camping next week, so we have to pre-record a podcast. Oh yeah, baby. Where are you headed? I'm going to go to, I'm flying from, my cousin's getting married this weekend. Actually, we don't have time for this. Let's read another. What do you have?

Going to Connecticut. Cousin's wedding. Cousin's wedding. Then from there, me and my bro, flying to Seattle. I think it's really cool. You didn't say gay wedding, by the way. Really? Very progressive of you.

He's married a woman, but that's. Got it. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. But it would be fine if it was gay wedding. Totally. I probably wouldn't have said he's married.

It's almost really, it's really woke that you didn't say straight wedding. Oh yeah. Just like, well actually, I meant to say straight wedding as they all should be. Got it. Okay. Uh huh. Back to sleep with me. Uh huh.

I won't even stir. Nice. Then I'm going to Seattle with my bro. Renting a van. A Volkswagen Westphalia. A Nissan Quest. And then we're going to drive to Olympic National Park. Which is in western Washington.

Yep. Right near by the Pacific Ocean. Okay. And from there, in camp two days, and then we're going to North Cascades National Park, which is one of the, the most under visited national parks in America. I believe it gets around 27,000 visitors per year. Yeah. I see it right now on Google and search.

Yeah. I can tell why. It is just black, rocky terrain that's too, too cold and slippery to navigate. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Look at this park. That is a.

It is just a slick, wet rock. It's unwelcoming is what it is. Everybody should Google it. It's they, they call it the American Alps. Oh yeah. It does kind of look like Switzerland a little bit. Yeah. Are you going to get a cool hiking stick?

Um, I guess maybe I should. I'm actually worried because we booked these like all of our campsites and we're like planning on swimming in all these lakes. And then I looked at the weather for the next week and it's like 50 degrees during the day, 29 at night. Yeah. Saturday's weather is high of 43, low of 30 with sleet. Yeah.

That's crazy. Well, thankfully I'll be in Connecticut on Saturday. Right. We got to start looking at Monday. Yeah. Monday's actually worse. High of nine, low of negative 27. And look at this.

Tuesday is just, uh, yeah. Frozen tundra. The weather icon is just these frozen little bricks that appear to be falling out of a black, black cloud. Yeah. The icon for Thursday is just you and your brother's dead body frozen inside a van. Weird. Uh, what's that movie?

Into the wild style. Oh yeah. So yeah. Are you, what's, are you going to Northern California? Yeah. This week I'm going to Northern California. I have one niece in a play, uh, one niece in a dance show, which should be very cute. Nice.

Yeah. Two nieces for the price of fun. Which one? Older one dance, younger one play. Older one play, younger one dance. And it is a hip hop dance. Is it really hip hop? I've gotten some sneak previews and it's to the Missy Elliott song.

My midway. My dude in the fun. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. It's crazy. No elaborate. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. That'd be really, really funny. They were just doing the, uh, uh, the Missy Elliott, like the, uh, put my thing down

a little bit and revert. Is it worth it? Uh, unedited. Unedited. Oh my God. This is so progressive. Uh, and if they're lucky, Uncle Amir might join both performances. Oh, no.

I'll get a little brandy drunk and, uh, if the situation strikes me or if the courage arises in me, they'll want me as part of the show and I will be very happy to oblige. Interesting. I feel like the inspiration and courage will both arise and strike because I've heard you practicing up here in the studio late night. Yeah. So you're preparing. It's not just like going to be on a whim.

Right. And they'll want me on part of the show because I am after all a cel-webriety. Wow, loser. That reminds me of, I used to watch my sister's, uh, play softball and I would like pitch, I would like have catch with my dad behind the, behind like the backstop. Yeah. And I would always imagine that, that the coach would like see me throwing and be like, you have to play.

And the little kid fantasizing about being on a girl's softball. A younger girl's softball. They were older. They were older. They were older. There was a lot of talent on that team. They were the warriors of softball. I can do the, what's it called, the underhand fast pitch.

The wind up. Yeah. The wind up and the strike, throwing high heat. God, I would love to throw some chin music, sort of scare some of the girls. Brush them back. Yeah. Off the plate. Let them know what's what.

Man, Cascade National Park. I'm just looking at photos. It looks like a, it looks extremely epic. High, high altitude. Yeah. Plus a lake. If it's Monday, it's Monday when this comes out right now, right? Yeah.

So I am arriving. Well, actually I'm going to be in an Olympic national park for Monday. So, but follow my ass on Instagram at Jake Hurwitz. There's going to be some really beautiful grams and stories. Of course. All right. Should we get back to the questions and answers? Yeah.

Let's give the people what they want. Oh, this one's from a lady. Let's call her Lauren Lauren. Dear the podcast. I'm a lady. I've got a sticky situation. This guy I knew from kindergarten through high school contacted me out of the blue. He was a jock type and I stuck to the art world.

We were more like acquaintances than friends. He actually dated a few of my friends and confided in me a bit, but we haven't had any contact since high school and we're 26, 27 now. He lives in Chicago and I'm in Philly. He contacted me to ask for a tattoo designed and applied by me. The problem, I'm not a tattoo artist. Hmm. I bought a tattoo machine a couple of years ago and gave myself a few shitty tattoos.

Jesus. I told him all this, showed him pictures, et cetera. He doesn't care. He even offered to fly me out to Chicago to do it. Whoa. Thinking this would never happen and out of the hilarity, I agreed to do it if he ever visited Philly. Well, he's coming. What should I do?

He has tribal tattoos. So like, I know I could give him a decent small design tattoo on a thigh or something. Also, the dude's a smoke show despite the tribal and there was quite a bit of sexual innuendo and flirting in our messaging. Should I just avoid him entirely? Meet up with the intention of tattooing, but bang instead, or give him a friggin' tattoo and then bang him. Appreciate your thoughts.

Oh, that sounds painful. Giving someone a tattoo. I've always thought about receiving a tattoo, but the idea of giving someone a tattoo, like wiping the blood away. Yeah. How do you get a tattoo machine? Anybody can just get that? I think they're just for sale.

A tattoo machine? Yeah. Like the little gun? Yeah. Like the little gun. Isn't it attached to something? Or is it a portable little gun that you can bring anywhere? Let's see.

I mean, it's portable. I don't think it's like, I think it's attached to a nitrogen oxygen tank, right? And then you pump it with your foot like a Wawa pedal. And as you're pumping it, it's piercing the skin. I'll give this guy a fucking tat. Like what's the shame? How hard can it be? And then how do you do colors and shading and shit?

Interesting. If it's like a pen, how do you do it so that it's shaded? It comes with little ink cartridges, just like a computer. Yeah, but like with a pencil, you sort of lighten up. Tattoo machines are like kind of cheap. Really? $100? That seems, that's cheaper than a tattoo.

That's too cheap. And what about the ink? Is this the high end shit? I want that good shit. It looks like, it's like a little briefcase with lots of, with lots of colors. Cartridges. Oh, that seems painful. All right.

Why not give him a tattoo? What's the, what's the downside that you fuck up? You already don't have a relationship with this guy. He wants it. You've given him all of this pre like everything. He's all out on the table. Like I don't really know what I'm doing. Here are pictures of what I've done before.

Yeah. And he's like, yeah, I like it. Just make sure to clean the needles. Don't give them a mere Blumenfeld disease because I have used those. It sounds like she bought one that I was selling off Craigslist. Really? Yeah. I was selling a used tattoo kit.

That you used to tattoo your scalp so it's covered in lice. Do you think that there's a used tattoo? What's it called? Tattoo machine. Uh-huh. I'm Craigslist right now. Yes. Used tattoo machine.

You don't have to specify used. I think Craigslist is an old thing. Yeah. Yeah. Look at that. How many, how much are they? It's called a Neo tattoo machine foot pedal. So there is a little foot pedaling going on.

Interesting. I also, I mean, if you put it on his thigh or somewhere, then that's like a little sexy and he can also cover it up easily. I will say if you really don't want to tattoo him, he is 100% taking this trip to bang you. So you can just like meet up, pre-tattoo, say, hey, like let's get a drink. We do the tattoo tomorrow. You guys fuck. You talk.

You like whatever. And then you could playfully like, do you really want to tattoo or do you want to just like keep on hanging the fucking for the weekend? You're saying you don't trust that this guy is flying to Philly just to see her to get an amateur tattoo? Yeah. I think he could get a tattoo anywhere. For cheaper than the price of Philly.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you, I know people like choose specific tattoo artists, but that's usually based on like a really specific idea they have for a tattoo. They're not like, I'm desperate to get tattooed by this amateur tattoo artist that I knew when I was in high school. He's just trying to fuck.

I wonder if you can buy a tattoo removal machine. I guess you can buy them, but it'd be probably pretty dangerous because it's a straight up laser. Yeah. Those are, I think, much more expensive. Laser. Let's read the next question. I wasn't done answering this one.

And I'll finish it for $1 million. Oh my God. Minimi. Minimi wouldn't fly today. He wasn't very woke. Absolutely not. I'm trying to think if I had something to say. Oh yeah.

A jock and art lady is a pretty cool duo. Yeah. I like that. It's like a sitcom. Yeah. Jock and art lady. Or the other way around, artistic guy and jock girl. Yeah.

It's like Dharma and Greg. Was Greg an athlete? I bet he was in high school. At the very least, a math elite. And you know Jenna Elfman was tattooing people on the side. She was a field hockey star, actually. All right. Give him a tattoo or not have sex with him for sure.

Oh yeah. What if he's like, for the tat, I want to do like hash marks for every time we fuck. Then I guess tattoo is dick really hard. The first one. And then every time you fuck. See how much he wants to do it the next time. That's right. All right.

Oh yeah. This one is from George. We have a John George and just a George. That's correct. Got it. All right. Hey dudes. Love the show.

Here's my sticky situation. I have a customer that comes into my store about once a month. This lady is a nightmare. She's at least 80 years old, weighs over 350 pounds, has horrific body odor and a fuzzy white mustache that you would not believe. Fuzzy white. Yep. On top of all that, she has a very bossy and overall rude personality.

She's the old lady version of Batman's villain, the penguin. I could handle the once a month visits, but now she's discovered the bar I go to every Monday with my friends and goes out of her way to go there every week. She even joined a shuffleboard league at the bar. She knows me by name and will call out for me to come give her a hug as soon as she notices me. I try to ignore her as she waddles up to our table and actually invites herself to sit down.

She has a disturbingly creepy, flirty vibe about her. She will often mention how unhappy her husband makes her and jokes about how she wishes she was younger so I could see her wild side. When she drinks a lot, she will even pull me in and try to kiss my neck. Gah. My friends have absolutely had enough of her. They refuse to move our bar night to a different day and insist I should tell her to kindly fuck off.

I can't help but feel a little sorry for her since she is an older lady with obvious health issues, and as much as she drives me crazy, I can't convince myself to tell her to hit the road whether in a civilized manner or yelling at her like my friends want. What would you do if you were me? Thanks for the advice, love, joy. This guy's fucked. He can't do anything. I think you should tattoo the old lady.

You're thinking of the last question. Okay. Every once in a while, life hands you a little checkmate where you can't move in any direction without being fucked. Yeah. So you have to fuck the old lady? No. You're thinking again of the last question.

He's a kisser. She's already kissing his neck. I'm saying she's in Philly. Oh, God. A weirdo just has a crush on you and then you can't tell her anything because if you do, you're an asshole. You really, you cannot, first, your friends are being assholes if they're like, we don't want to move the bar.

We want you to scream in an old woman. Change the bar. Change the night. You guys don't have to go. It's a Monday night. Yeah. You guys can do something different. I want to ask for a bit just to throw her off, just move it three weeks in a row.

Is it ever fine to just sit someone down and nicely tell them to leave you alone? Maybe if they're not an old person. So if they're an old person, you can't do that? Game over. If it's an old person, you're not, I think you're not allowed to be mean to old people. They have it the worst because their life sucks and they're still alive. Or do they have it the best because they've lived the whole life. That's the worst.

To be done? Nobody wants to be done. Yeah, but if you're offending an old person, they're going to be dead soon. If you offend a young man, you have to live with that. So the last thing she hears before she dies is like, is her crush. It's telling her to go fuck off and nobody likes her. She's disgusting. Well, he doesn't have to say it like that.

His friend wanted him to yell at her. Oh yeah, but can't you be like, I'm saying, is it rude to sit her down and be like, listen, you're very frustrating to me. I don't like you. Yeah, of course you can't do that. You're just stuck? Well, I think you can easily on the day be polite and just be like, it's great to see you have a shuffleboard.

Enjoy your time. I got to go see my friends. I think that's like polite. Can you be a little rude to her? Yeah. So maybe if your friends are going to be this aggressive about it, you got to go to her, keep her away from your friends. You just run interference.

She's not going to be alive that much longer. Just say hi, bye, the end. Or you just move the fucking night of the bar. Yeah, but she'll find him. She'll find him. He's only putting a bandaid over the problem. He's not getting to the root of the issue. Just go to a different bar on Mondays.

You have to do something mean to her or she won't. She'll keep liking you. No, you don't. I would do a little, I would be a little rude to her. You would be a little rude to her? Yeah. You're a bad person. So I'd be like, hey, hi, I got to go like not like entertain her.

I would be like, I would not give her what she wants. But would that make her just hungrier? Potentially. It seems that does happen. He's tried to ignore her and then she sits down at the table. Yeah. There are some people that don't read social cues. This is why I advocate moving every three years.

Yeah. Switch it up, new life, new year. You take the good with the bad. You won't see your friends again. You can drastically change your appearance, get a nose job, dye your hair, shave your head, tattoos, the works. Change your body, change your face. How do you change your face?

Yeah, you can get dental work or a nose job. Dental work to look different. Dye your eyebrows. So what's the dental work to be different? You could have teeth pulled or added. Added. Yeah. You can get dental work to add teeth.

You could get veneers so your teeth will be bigger and different. That's an interesting idea. That's disgusting. Okay. Big fake white teeth. Or gray. They don't have to, they could be any color if they're fake. Big fake grays.

So move to Denver or Dover depending on where you're from and going to. Change your teeth. Two sleeves of tattoos, mostly white supremacy and then one like a Disney reference just to be a little coy. And then big gray teeth, buzz the head, dye your eyebrows, light, light blonde. Yeah. And do like mutton chops. Gel.

A lot of gel too. Gel in the beard. Yeah. That's so gross. So bad for you. Though I guess if you're graying your teeth, what's the diff? Right. Then you could put on 25 pounds like an actor trying to gain weight for a role.

Yeah. And your role is a guy that's getting the fuck away from this woman. Get out of dodge, dude. All right. Thanks to you guys for listening. Thanks to our interns for coming up with those questions. Or at least finding them, I should say. The email address for everything, if you have your own questions, is ifireushow at gmail.com.

We now have more than just one or two people reading it. So the odds of you getting found are greater. Yep. Shout out to the interns. Thanks, folks. Opening theme song was written by Seth Dyer. Remember him? And this closing one is a, let me find out who wrote it, but it's a parody of that song,

Africa, which is a really hard song to sing. And this guy tried his damnedest actually. Let me search Africa, Toto. Oh yeah. It's David Warner. David Warner made a parody of Africa by Toto. So thanks to David. Davey and Josh, as I should say, who wrote this theme song.

Thanks to Seth, who wrote the opening. Thanks to the interns for finding the questions. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back if Jake survives his camping trip and reads it out in one week. Later, guys. I hear my brother cry out in the night as he and his girlfriend climax in the loft of our family's condo. I'm not quite sure if this is right since my dad is downstairs sleeping on the fold out

couch of our living room. I think that I would like to move. What would you do if you were me? I can really use a bit of common sense. There'll probably be a hundred jokes or more in my expense. If I were you is a podcast show. If I were you. Well, I can teach you how to be a shadow.

Gonna need your help because my life is really sad. That was a hate gun podcast.